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00:00:21,084 --> 00:00:24,055
He said, "I don't bother with
the Grand National any more."
2
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"Last year, my horse started at
33-1 at Aintree and ended up as"
3
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,024
"two for one at ASDA!"
4
00:00:32,076 --> 00:00:36,047
Excuse me. Could we get the bill,
please? Of course.
5
00:00:36,048 --> 00:00:40,999
Anyway, like I was saying, we
were at Lingfield... '89, was it?
6
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,063
No, it was later than that. Eh?
Yes, it was after Diana had died.
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What's she got to do with it?
I just remember.
8
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All right, well, '99, whatever.
9
00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:52,039
And the Professor here had worked
out if we put this
10
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,331
accumulator on seven races,
we could have made...
11
00:00:54,357 --> 00:00:56,027
What was it, Archie?
Half a million.
12
00:00:56,028 --> 00:00:59,043
Half a million. Well, it wasn't
half a million. It was 469,000.
13
00:00:59,044 --> 00:01:02,039
All right. Fucking hell. We're
not to the nearest quid, are we?
14
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,023
Kevin, will you stop interrupting
my flow? Yeah, sorry.
15
00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:07,075
So, we all had to pick
seven horses and put
16
00:01:07,076 --> 00:01:09,075
a tenner each in the diddlum.
17
00:01:09,076 --> 00:01:11,039
The what?
18
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,051
The diddlum.
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00:01:13,052 --> 00:01:14,542
What's a diddlum? The diddlum!
It's
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00:01:14,555 --> 00:01:16,055
a wotsit where you all chip in.
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00:01:16,056 --> 00:01:19,027
It's the diddlum.
You never heard of a diddlum? No.
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00:01:19,028 --> 00:01:22,051
It's where you pay in a bit each
week. It's a savings scheme.
23
00:01:22,052 --> 00:01:25,054
Like a northern thing? You
know, "Put tha' money in't
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00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:28,079
diddlum and buy some whippets
and barm cakes and..."
25
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,047
Sorry, go on.
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00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,056
So, anyway, we'd all put
in our diddlum money
27
00:01:32,069 --> 00:01:34,087
and chose a horse each
for the first round.
28
00:01:34,088 --> 00:01:36,070
You had, what was it?
Hoof Hearted?
29
00:01:36,083 --> 00:01:38,075
Hoof Hearted, 3-1,
second favourite.
30
00:01:38,076 --> 00:01:41,047
Prof chose some fancy
writer thing. Outrageous...
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00:01:41,048 --> 00:01:44,015
Outrageous Fortune. That's it,
after the Bette Midler film.
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00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:47,083
Shakespeare.
And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-1.
33
00:01:47,084 --> 00:01:50,055
See? Clever boy,
back the outsider. Exactly!
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00:01:50,056 --> 00:01:51,091
To push the winnings up.
35
00:01:51,092 --> 00:01:55,023
Life is either a daring adventure
or it is nothing at all.
36
00:01:55,024 --> 00:01:59,075
Do you know who said that?
Helen Keller. Going for Gold.
37
00:01:59,076 --> 00:02:01,999
That's Henry Kelly!
38
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,011
Yeah, sorry.
39
00:02:03,012 --> 00:02:04,998
So, anyway, what happened
next, I gave the
40
00:02:05,011 --> 00:02:07,007
diddlum money to Archie...
He didn't.
41
00:02:07,008 --> 00:02:09,095
I did! He says he did, but he was
found... No, let me finish!
42
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,538
He was found in the
hospitality area... Rubbish!
43
00:02:11,551 --> 00:02:14,003
..with two dolly birds and
a full English breakfast.
44
00:02:14,004 --> 00:02:16,020
Slightly the worse for wear.
Well, I was upset
45
00:02:16,033 --> 00:02:18,059
that Diana had died! And
he'd spent the lot. No!
46
00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:20,526
Yeah, kerching. What?
Diddled the diddlum? He
47
00:02:20,539 --> 00:02:23,015
did indeed. Malcolm! So,
just be warned, Craig,
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00:02:23,016 --> 00:02:25,019
you can't trust him as far
as you can throw him.
49
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:28,059
Excuse me, Archie!
People in glass houses!
50
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,036
What?
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00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,004
Shouldn't throw stones.
52
00:02:37,008 --> 00:02:40,019
No, they should throw sex parties
with strippers. LAUGHTER.
53
00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:42,039
So, come on, then.
What happened then?
54
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,079
No, don't tell me. All the horses
came in, right? Yeah, exactly.
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00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,051
Half a million down the drain.
Well, 469,000.
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00:02:48,052 --> 00:02:50,036
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
It's only money
57
00:02:50,049 --> 00:02:52,043
in't it, Craig? Not
worth falling out over.
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00:02:52,044 --> 00:02:54,075
Here you go, gentlemen.
59
00:02:54,076 --> 00:02:56,532
I hope you enjoy your meal.
It was lovely, thanks.
60
00:02:56,545 --> 00:02:59,011
Excuse me, darling. Can we
get some mints? Please?
61
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,014
You know, the mints
in the bowl by the
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00:03:01,027 --> 00:03:03,039
till, just to
cleanse the palate.
63
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:07,047
Oh, no, the kitchen boy
will cleanse the palate.
64
00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:08,075
No, no. Not plates.
65
00:03:08,076 --> 00:03:11,071
The palate. You know? The palate.
66
00:03:11,072 --> 00:03:15,035
I mean the mints. In the mouth.
Sucky-sucky.
67
00:03:15,036 --> 00:03:18,060
Oh, sorry. Yes. I'll get you
some. It's my first day. So...
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00:03:20,036 --> 00:03:24,003
Well, she's not getting a tip. I
wouldn't mind giving her MY tip.
69
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:27,007
What are you doing,
asking for piss-mints? Eh?
70
00:03:27,008 --> 00:03:29,055
Piss-mints by the till.
Why are they piss-mints?
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00:03:29,056 --> 00:03:32,007
Because people come out the bogs,
they don't wash their hands
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00:03:32,008 --> 00:03:34,055
and then they dip in for
a mint on the way past. No!
73
00:03:34,056 --> 00:03:35,534
People aren't animals.
They are,
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00:03:35,547 --> 00:03:37,035
actually. They did a test.
Exactly.
75
00:03:37,036 --> 00:03:39,091
They tested a bowl, they
found 15 different types of piss.
76
00:03:39,092 --> 00:03:41,083
What do you mean - different
types of piss?!
77
00:03:41,084 --> 00:03:44,079
There aren't different types of
piss! There are! Like fine wines!
78
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,011
Jesus Christ! I can't wait to get
back to Chiswick.
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00:03:47,012 --> 00:03:49,047
Yeah, because London piss is like
sparkling water,
80
00:03:49,048 --> 00:03:51,087
you just drink it straight back
down again. Pretty much, yeah.
81
00:03:51,088 --> 00:03:54,071
Well, I'm just telling you,
mints in northern restaurants,
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00:03:54,072 --> 00:03:56,524
they're all drenched in piss.
And faecal
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00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,999
matter. There you go, I
give you big handful.
84
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,000
Look at them, Craig!
You not going
85
00:04:01,013 --> 00:04:03,023
to cleanse your palate, then?
Er...
86
00:04:03,024 --> 00:04:05,091
No, I think I'll take them
for the kids.
87
00:04:05,092 --> 00:04:08,019
How many kids do you have, Craig?
I've got two.
88
00:04:08,020 --> 00:04:10,035
It's half-term,
so they come up with the au pair.
89
00:04:10,036 --> 00:04:12,091
I told them it was a safari,
but with poor people. Hey!
90
00:04:12,092 --> 00:04:14,080
There's plenty of lolly
swilling around up here, you
91
00:04:14,093 --> 00:04:16,091
know. As long as you know
where to look for it.
92
00:04:16,092 --> 00:04:19,027
And your wife, is she...?
Divorced.
93
00:04:19,028 --> 00:04:22,079
Best three-quarter of
a million pound I ever spent.
94
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,059
Really? Yeah.
95
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:26,087
Why is a wife like
a hand grenade?
96
00:04:26,088 --> 00:04:30,067
Remove the ring and boom, your
house has gone. LAUGHTER.
97
00:04:30,068 --> 00:04:32,063
That's a terribly expensive
business.
98
00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:35,039
Do you know why it's
so expensive, Kevin?
99
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,043
Because it's worth it.
100
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:41,019
Talking of unseemly
squabbles about money,
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00:04:41,020 --> 00:04:44,000
let's have a little
look at this bill.
102
00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:47,500
Well, there's my contribution,
103
00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:50,003
including a 10% service charge.
10?
104
00:04:50,004 --> 00:04:53,031
You tight bastard! Give her 15,
like a normal human being!
105
00:04:53,032 --> 00:04:56,063
10 is industry standard. What
industry? She's slopping plates
106
00:04:56,064 --> 00:04:59,003
round for a room
full of fat pigs!
107
00:04:59,004 --> 00:05:02,083
Honestly, Kevin! Give it here,
Craig. I'm going to get this.
108
00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:06,027
No, Malcolm. No way, that's not
right. Shut up, I am. It's on me.
109
00:05:06,028 --> 00:05:08,023
You got it last time,
let me get this one.
110
00:05:08,024 --> 00:05:10,048
Get off, I'm paying it.
How much is
111
00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:12,095
it? Ooh, Jesus Christ!
Go on, then!
112
00:05:12,096 --> 00:05:14,078
Joking! I'm joking!
I don't mind,
113
00:05:14,091 --> 00:05:16,083
honestly. No, I'm
not having that.
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00:05:16,084 --> 00:05:18,030
I invited Craig along.
I was going
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00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:19,999
to pay for him anyway. So what?
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00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,004
Craig's my friend. You
can't play with him! Don't
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00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:24,031
be so childish, Archie.
I'm not being childish.
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00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,042
You're the one who's being
childish. Hey, it doesn't
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00:05:26,055 --> 00:05:28,075
matter. It does. You're
messing it up. It's not fair.
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00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:31,003
Guys, listen, I'm getting it.
No! No! Yes!
121
00:05:31,004 --> 00:05:32,532
I'm going back to
civilisation soon. I know
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00:05:32,545 --> 00:05:34,083
that all you northerners
are very poor,
123
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:37,083
what with your Christmas clubs
and your diddums... Diddlums.
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00:05:37,084 --> 00:05:40,999
So, I'd like to treat you all,
please. No arguments!
125
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,015
Well, thank you, Craig.
That's very kind of you.
126
00:05:43,016 --> 00:05:44,506
Bloody hell, Kevin!
That was quick. You
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00:05:44,519 --> 00:05:46,019
thanked him before
he'd even offered!
128
00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:48,063
Doesn't miss a trick, does he?
No, I offered to pay my way.
129
00:05:48,064 --> 00:05:49,534
Yeah, like the time
you offered me petrol
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00:05:49,547 --> 00:05:51,027
money for that league
game in Otley!
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00:05:51,028 --> 00:05:53,042
That was based on mileage
as the crow flies, divided
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00:05:53,055 --> 00:05:55,079
by the four of us. £2! It
was mathematically sound!
133
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,063
Yeah, all in coppers!
134
00:05:57,064 --> 00:06:00,047
Right, shall I split
you four ways? No.
135
00:06:00,048 --> 00:06:02,087
No, but I wouldn't mind
splitting you four ways.
136
00:06:02,088 --> 00:06:05,095
No, I'm getting this. It's been
very nice to meet you, Craig.
137
00:06:05,096 --> 00:06:08,075
You played very well tonight,
the pair of you beat Kevin and I
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00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,534
fair and square, so Victoribus
139
00:06:10,547 --> 00:06:13,015
Spolia, to the
victor, the spoils.
140
00:06:13,016 --> 00:06:15,095
Well, I won't argue with you,
Malcs. I'm sorry, Malcolm.
141
00:06:15,096 --> 00:06:18,095
That is bullshit! Eh? We've never
played that before, loser pays!
142
00:06:18,096 --> 00:06:22,023
It's a very dangerous precedent
to set. It's not a precedent.
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00:06:22,024 --> 00:06:23,500
I would like to pay for your
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00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:24,999
meals. Put it all
on this, please.
145
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,023
No, put on this, please.
I insist.
146
00:06:27,024 --> 00:06:29,040
All right, calm down. You'll
give yourself a heart
147
00:06:29,053 --> 00:06:31,079
attack. Why are you making
such a big deal out of it?
148
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,039
It's just important to me,
all right? Thank you, Archie.
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00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,039
That's very kind. Bloody hell!
150
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,538
Never realised that
badminton was so
151
00:06:39,551 --> 00:06:41,059
competitive. It's
not competitive.
152
00:06:41,060 --> 00:06:43,542
It's just that Malcolm is
overgenerous at times,
153
00:06:43,555 --> 00:06:46,047
aren't you, Malc? This
is my treat, everybody.
154
00:06:46,048 --> 00:06:48,024
You can get the next one.
Sorry,
155
00:06:48,037 --> 00:06:50,024
it's run out of paper.
I'll be back.
156
00:06:53,056 --> 00:06:55,075
I'll be back!
157
00:06:55,076 --> 00:06:57,048
Terminator.
158
00:06:59,008 --> 00:07:00,520
Very clever, Archie.
Very clever
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00:07:00,533 --> 00:07:02,055
trick. I can see
what you're doing.
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00:07:02,056 --> 00:07:04,022
What do you mean?
Letting me get the
161
00:07:04,035 --> 00:07:06,011
next one, which is,
oh, let me think,
162
00:07:06,012 --> 00:07:08,000
wives and girlfriends
night at Browns. So?
163
00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:10,011
So, it'll be double
the price, won't it?
164
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:12,043
Even more, if your Susie puts it
away like she did at the
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00:07:12,044 --> 00:07:14,087
Christmas do! Malcolm!
All those mojitos!
166
00:07:14,088 --> 00:07:18,048
You shouldn't bring Susie into
it, Malcolm. That's wrong.
167
00:07:20,044 --> 00:07:22,043
I like the sound of Susie!
168
00:07:22,044 --> 00:07:24,043
Has she got a sister?
169
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:27,007
Anyway, it's fine.
You just get this little starter.
170
00:07:27,008 --> 00:07:29,047
I'll pay for the proper grown-up
meal next time. Well done.
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00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,554
Fine, I'll get the
next one as well, if
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00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:32,083
you're keeping track.
No-one's keeping track.
173
00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:34,060
You clearly are, if you're
thinking one ahead.
174
00:07:34,073 --> 00:07:36,059
It hadn't occurred to me
what the next one was.
175
00:07:36,060 --> 00:07:39,015
Why don't you just
split it, then?
176
00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:43,023
Eh? Why don't you just split it
two ways? Then no-one loses face.
177
00:07:43,024 --> 00:07:46,027
Who's losing face? I'm not losing
face. Why two ways anyway?
178
00:07:46,028 --> 00:07:48,031
Why not three ways?
179
00:07:48,032 --> 00:07:51,023
Fine, fine. If Craig wants...
I meant with you!
180
00:07:51,024 --> 00:07:54,015
Jesus! What a blue cock! What's a
blue cock? A tight-fisted wanker.
181
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,039
Ha! That's good!
I'm having that! No, no.
182
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,047
Listen, I'm happy to pay my way.
I've already demonstrated that.
183
00:07:59,048 --> 00:08:01,035
Oh, put your little purse away,
Ebenezer.
184
00:08:01,036 --> 00:08:02,075
We don't need your shrapnel.
185
00:08:02,076 --> 00:08:03,568
Do you want me to pay or not?
Yeah,
186
00:08:03,581 --> 00:08:05,083
three ways! So we
can treat Craig!
187
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:07,532
It's not necessary. Fine!
Well, I don't drink
188
00:08:07,545 --> 00:08:10,003
and I didn't have a
starter, so... So what?
189
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:12,091
You contributed to the evening,
to the company provided,
190
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:15,015
not what's in your belly!
He always does this!
191
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:18,027
No, it's just that I know all
these menus... Kids' menus!
192
00:08:18,028 --> 00:08:19,536
That is not the point
and I know exactly
193
00:08:19,549 --> 00:08:21,067
what I'm going to have
before I come out.
194
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:24,039
And I like to have the requisite
funds about my person.
195
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,012
I don't have the
same resources as
196
00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:28,007
you, do I? I have
to be careful.
197
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,039
Careful?!
He's got two houses in Clitheroe!
198
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,022
Well, they're flats and one
of them's got my mother
199
00:08:32,035 --> 00:08:34,027
in it, so... And how much
rent do you charge her?
200
00:08:34,028 --> 00:08:36,095
None of your business!
Bloody hell! I was joking!
201
00:08:36,096 --> 00:08:38,536
He's that mean, when he
takes a tenner out of
202
00:08:38,549 --> 00:08:40,999
his wallet, the Queen
blinks in the light!
203
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,589
No, it's that I don't
think it's fair that
204
00:08:42,602 --> 00:08:44,201
I end up subsidising
other people's...
205
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,091
What?
206
00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:50,035
Gluttony!
207
00:08:50,036 --> 00:08:52,083
Are you directing
that at me, Kevin?
208
00:08:52,084 --> 00:08:55,047
Are you directing that at me?
Cos this is glandular!
209
00:08:55,048 --> 00:08:58,015
Right. So, it was, Mr Simkins...?
Yes.
210
00:08:58,016 --> 00:08:59,067
No, no, guys, honest.
211
00:08:59,068 --> 00:09:02,087
I've got this. Now, put it away.
No. Please! I'd really like to!
212
00:09:02,088 --> 00:09:04,060
I'll pay.
213
00:09:09,096 --> 00:09:12,016
I'd like to pay the whole bill,
please.
214
00:09:14,016 --> 00:09:16,091
Kevin, that is...
so generous of you.
215
00:09:16,092 --> 00:09:18,059
Are you sure?
216
00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:20,000
It's fine.
217
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,051
Perhaps you could all put
in for the tip.
218
00:09:27,052 --> 00:09:29,554
Well, wonders never cease.
Oh, and
219
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:32,079
I have these vouchers
for 50% off.
220
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,075
What?! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
50% off?!
221
00:09:34,076 --> 00:09:36,056
Yes, I got them from
a coupon website.
222
00:09:36,069 --> 00:09:38,059
You were going to
let ME pay for it?
223
00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:40,038
Well, I was saving them
for another time. What
224
00:09:40,051 --> 00:09:42,039
other time? You never go out!
I'm sorry, Kevin.
225
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,546
If you're paying for
dinner, you're paying
226
00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:45,075
for dinner. None of
this coupon shit!
227
00:09:45,076 --> 00:09:49,051
They are out of date anyway.
I'm sorry. LAUGHTER.
228
00:09:49,052 --> 00:09:52,019
They're like your condoms, Kevin!
Use by January 2000!
229
00:09:52,020 --> 00:09:55,095
Get your pound notes out with
Isaac Newton on the back!
230
00:09:55,096 --> 00:09:59,071
I'm sorry about that. I
was just... Let me...
231
00:09:59,072 --> 00:10:02,020
Oh... Ah...
232
00:10:04,072 --> 00:10:06,055
I come back in a minute.
233
00:10:06,056 --> 00:10:09,999
Um... Can I offer you guys
to be shot, or something?
234
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,035
Sorry? She means a free drink.
235
00:10:12,036 --> 00:10:14,999
Oh, yes. Thank you. Oh, that
made his eyes light up, look.
236
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,075
Got any Limoncello? Please?
237
00:10:16,076 --> 00:10:18,071
It's a liqueur.
238
00:10:18,072 --> 00:10:20,095
Lick your what? Sorry?
239
00:10:20,096 --> 00:10:22,051
It's a drink.
240
00:10:22,052 --> 00:10:25,043
Um, I will check. I'll be back.
241
00:10:25,044 --> 00:10:28,055
You wait, she'll come back
with a lemon and a cello!
242
00:10:30,084 --> 00:10:34,055
I was dreading this week.
One boring seminar after another.
243
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:36,032
If I hadn't met Archie,
it would have been one
244
00:10:36,045 --> 00:10:38,031
long round of business
lunches and hotel porn.
245
00:10:38,032 --> 00:10:39,059
Don't sound too bad!
246
00:10:39,060 --> 00:10:44,039
You guys, you made it bearable.
So, please, let me get this. No.
247
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,071
I'm getting it, I'm just...
Leave it, Kevin! I'll get it!
248
00:10:47,072 --> 00:10:51,023
You're not getting it! I've told
you! Don't point at me, Malcolm.
249
00:10:51,024 --> 00:10:53,051
Honestly, let me.
It's no skin off my nose.
250
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,024
We all know you're really rich.
What's that supposed
251
00:10:55,037 --> 00:10:57,019
to mean? Hey, I don't
care if he's Bill Gates.
252
00:10:57,020 --> 00:11:00,007
He played at our club, I'm club
sec, I'm paying for his meal.
253
00:11:00,008 --> 00:11:01,492
And there it is in a nutshell,
254
00:11:01,505 --> 00:11:02,999
Craig. You've been bought.
Kerching.
255
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,023
Not this again. I'm afraid
so, Malcolm. This again.
256
00:11:05,024 --> 00:11:07,019
How many votes was it? Tell him.
I don't remember.
257
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:10,035
17-5 and he's club secretary. I'd
been there five years before him.
258
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:12,059
Don't dredge up old graves,
Archie. It's unseemly.
259
00:11:12,060 --> 00:11:14,024
There was no funny business.
Who did you vote
260
00:11:14,037 --> 00:11:16,011
for, then? You don't
have to tell him, Kevin.
261
00:11:16,012 --> 00:11:18,014
It was anonymous. You
were seen, Kevin, a
262
00:11:18,027 --> 00:11:20,039
Garfunkel's lunch every
day for a fortnight.
263
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,055
That's not true! Were you
spying on us? Bloody hell!
264
00:11:23,056 --> 00:11:25,032
If you're that desperate,
put your name up next
265
00:11:25,045 --> 00:11:27,031
time. I won't stand again.
Don't worry, I will!
266
00:11:27,032 --> 00:11:29,040
If that's all you've got
to worry about, I'm happy
267
00:11:29,053 --> 00:11:31,071
for you, Archie. You must
have a very nice life.
268
00:11:31,072 --> 00:11:33,046
Get off my back, Malcolm!
You've got
269
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:35,043
no idea about my life!
Guys, don't.
270
00:11:35,044 --> 00:11:37,522
It's just a couple of hundred
quid. It's literally
271
00:11:37,535 --> 00:11:40,023
nothing. Oh, it's nothing,
is it, Mr Monopoly?
272
00:11:40,024 --> 00:11:41,532
Archie, what's got into you?
Besides, the
273
00:11:41,545 --> 00:11:43,063
club would never have
allowed somebody with
274
00:11:43,064 --> 00:11:44,566
a criminal record
to become club
275
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,091
secretary. Nobody
cares about that!
276
00:11:46,092 --> 00:11:49,027
That was me utilising a clause
in a mortgage contract!
277
00:11:49,028 --> 00:11:51,012
Also known as fraud.
You're the fraud, pal!
278
00:11:51,025 --> 00:11:53,019
You bought every single
one of those votes!
279
00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,047
Because I treated Kevin to
a foot long from Subway?! Yes!
280
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,520
And this is what
he's doing now,
281
00:11:56,533 --> 00:11:58,015
Craig, so just be aware.
Bull crap!
282
00:11:58,016 --> 00:11:59,502
He's putting you
in his pocket, in
283
00:11:59,515 --> 00:12:01,011
case he needs you
at a later date!
284
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,012
I'm offering to buy
everyone's meal!
285
00:12:03,025 --> 00:12:05,036
Yes, because you're
a selfish prick!
286
00:12:11,068 --> 00:12:13,023
He isn't, Archie.
287
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,047
Just calm down.
288
00:12:14,048 --> 00:12:16,016
He isn't.
289
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:20,020
Because I am paying
for this meal.
290
00:12:22,004 --> 00:12:25,059
Yes, I live in London!
Yes, I'm very rich!
291
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:28,063
But that is my prerogative,
as your guest, all right?
292
00:12:28,064 --> 00:12:30,534
Here we go. Some
Limoncello for you, and
293
00:12:30,547 --> 00:12:33,027
have you decide yet
who pay the bill?
294
00:12:33,028 --> 00:12:36,059
Yeah, put it all on this.
And put on 25% for yourself.
295
00:12:36,060 --> 00:12:38,520
Right, gentlemen,
I'd like to thank
296
00:12:38,533 --> 00:12:41,003
you for your company
this evening.
297
00:12:41,004 --> 00:12:43,008
And for a good game of badminton.
And if any of
298
00:12:43,021 --> 00:12:45,035
you happen to find yourself
in the Chiswick area,
299
00:12:45,036 --> 00:12:48,003
please don't hesitate to
NOT ring me! Cheers!
300
00:12:48,004 --> 00:12:49,060
Cheers.
301
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,004
Ah!
302
00:13:01,088 --> 00:13:03,064
Don't envy you going
back to London,
303
00:13:03,077 --> 00:13:05,063
Craig. All those pickpockets.
304
00:13:05,064 --> 00:13:08,019
Yeah, well,
it's not what it was, Kevin.
305
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:11,059
I mean, I'd be happy to move on,
to be honest with you.
306
00:13:11,060 --> 00:13:13,534
I crave a bit of excitement.
Last
307
00:13:13,547 --> 00:13:16,031
year, I went climbing
in Canada...
308
00:13:16,032 --> 00:13:20,027
Excuse me, sir.
But your card is not welcome.
309
00:13:20,028 --> 00:13:25,075
What? It is reject. Bad.
Do you have perhaps other card?
310
00:13:25,076 --> 00:13:27,008
Um...
311
00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:30,063
No, not on me.
312
00:13:30,064 --> 00:13:34,011
I don't understand. There's at
least 250 in that account.
313
00:13:34,012 --> 00:13:36,059
That settles it, then. I'll pay.
Hang on, hang on.
314
00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:38,067
I've got an AMEX card back
at the hotel.
315
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,064
I'll phone the au pair and
get her to give me the
316
00:13:40,077 --> 00:13:42,083
number. I'm not sure...
Craig, there's no need.
317
00:13:42,084 --> 00:13:44,032
Sshh!
318
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:51,067
Anoushka? Yeah, it's me.
Can you go up to my room, please?
319
00:13:51,068 --> 00:13:54,530
Yeah, it was very nice,
thank you. Yeah, go into my
320
00:13:54,543 --> 00:13:58,015
room and go over to the
bedside cabinet and open
321
00:13:58,016 --> 00:14:00,055
the second drawer down.
322
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:03,999
No, no. Not the top one.
323
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,088
Do not open the top one!
324
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:10,027
Yeah, the second one.
325
00:14:10,028 --> 00:14:13,007
Right. And in there
is my AMEX card.
326
00:14:13,008 --> 00:14:14,059
Yes, the gold one.
327
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,046
Now, I need the
long number on the
328
00:14:16,059 --> 00:14:18,055
front and the four digits just
329
00:14:18,056 --> 00:14:20,079
above that in the
right-hand corner.
330
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,008
Digits.
331
00:14:23,064 --> 00:14:25,031
Digits!
332
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,522
I tell you what,
why don't you just
333
00:14:26,535 --> 00:14:28,035
bring the card down to me?
No, no.
334
00:14:28,036 --> 00:14:30,051
It's fine, it's fine.
335
00:14:30,052 --> 00:14:32,022
No, they're fine.
They'll be fine.
336
00:14:32,035 --> 00:14:34,015
They're asleep, aren't they?
337
00:14:34,016 --> 00:14:36,055
Well, just leave quietly!
338
00:14:36,056 --> 00:14:37,552
Well, if you're
that worried, just
339
00:14:37,565 --> 00:14:39,071
unplug everything!
No, Craig! No!
340
00:14:39,072 --> 00:14:43,015
Don't worry, Baboushka! It's
fine! You don't have to come.
341
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,067
Look, I appreciate what you're
trying to do,
342
00:14:45,068 --> 00:14:46,554
but it's daft you
putting your kids'
343
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:48,063
lives in danger when I've got
344
00:14:48,064 --> 00:14:52,047
a good card right here.
We can split it. No.
345
00:14:52,048 --> 00:14:55,075
I'm getting this.
No more arguments.
346
00:14:55,076 --> 00:14:58,016
That is the absolute end
of the matter.
347
00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:02,055
Well, under these circumstances,
348
00:15:02,056 --> 00:15:05,007
I'd be very happy to accept
your very kind offer.
349
00:15:05,008 --> 00:15:07,075
Thank you, Malcolm.
Not a problem at all.
350
00:15:07,076 --> 00:15:09,040
Yes, thank you.
351
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:15,024
All right, fine. Will you just
give us a minute, please, love?
352
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:21,071
This is not the way
I wanted to do this.
353
00:15:21,072 --> 00:15:25,083
But I've...
I've got something to tell you.
354
00:15:25,084 --> 00:15:27,071
What? You've got a voucher?
355
00:15:27,072 --> 00:15:29,091
No.
356
00:15:29,092 --> 00:15:32,032
No, I've not got a voucher.
357
00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:35,084
I've got a brain tumour.
358
00:15:38,092 --> 00:15:40,075
You're joking.
359
00:15:40,076 --> 00:15:43,008
No, I'm not, Malcolm.
And I wish I was.
360
00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:47,524
It's er... inoperable
and I've got
361
00:15:47,537 --> 00:15:50,051
three months at
best, I'm afraid.
362
00:15:50,052 --> 00:15:52,071
Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry.
363
00:15:52,072 --> 00:15:55,039
Thanks, Kevin.
364
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,048
That is why I wanted
to pay this meal.
365
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,048
Sorry, Malcolm.
I should have told you sooner.
366
00:16:04,036 --> 00:16:05,096
Will you excuse me?
367
00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:19,007
Listen, Archie, um...
368
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:22,044
We had someone in my office who
had something very similar.
369
00:16:23,044 --> 00:16:25,028
And we took him over
to Switzerland.
370
00:16:25,041 --> 00:16:27,036
Dignitas. No, it was Geneva.
371
00:16:29,036 --> 00:16:31,091
We got him one of the top
surgeons over there.
372
00:16:31,092 --> 00:16:34,095
He had the best
possible treatment.
373
00:16:34,096 --> 00:16:37,075
Did he survive?
374
00:16:37,076 --> 00:16:39,999
No.
375
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,091
But he had a private room,
52-inch plasma,
376
00:16:43,092 --> 00:16:46,035
and all the channels.
377
00:16:46,036 --> 00:16:47,079
It's a nice touch.
378
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:51,063
Thanks, Craig, but I've talked it
over with Susie and we want
379
00:16:51,064 --> 00:16:55,047
to try and make it as normal as
possible for the kids' sakes.
380
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:59,015
So, if you could do me the
honour, the very great honour,
381
00:16:59,016 --> 00:17:04,007
of allowing me to pay that bill,
probably for the last time...
382
00:17:04,008 --> 00:17:06,027
Don't say that, Archie.
383
00:17:06,028 --> 00:17:08,000
Just... in case, Kevin.
384
00:17:09,064 --> 00:17:12,012
It really would mean the
world to me.
385
00:17:13,028 --> 00:17:14,067
Or course, Archie.
386
00:17:14,068 --> 00:17:16,064
Thank you.
387
00:17:21,024 --> 00:17:23,080
If you want, we can pay the tip.
388
00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:28,091
It's fine, Kevin.
I'll get all of it.
389
00:17:28,092 --> 00:17:34,039
It's just nice to spend what time
I've got left amongst friends.
390
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,067
You lying fucking monster! Eh?
391
00:17:36,068 --> 00:17:37,564
I've just texted Susie.
She doesn't
392
00:17:37,577 --> 00:17:39,083
know anything about a tumour!
393
00:17:39,084 --> 00:17:42,091
He's lying! He's a liar!
Is this true, Archie?
394
00:17:42,092 --> 00:17:44,052
I haven't told her yet.
I wanted to tell
395
00:17:44,065 --> 00:17:46,035
you first. You said
you'd talked it over.
396
00:17:46,036 --> 00:17:47,544
I can't believe you'd
pretend to be dying,
397
00:17:47,557 --> 00:17:49,075
just so you can pay
for a tapas meal!
398
00:17:49,076 --> 00:17:51,048
I can't believe you'd
ring up to check! Texting
399
00:17:51,061 --> 00:17:53,043
a dying man's wife to
confirm his story?!
400
00:17:53,044 --> 00:17:56,043
You're not dying though, are you?
I can't take much more of this.
401
00:17:56,044 --> 00:17:59,083
How dare you try and swindle your
way into paying for this meal!
402
00:17:59,084 --> 00:18:02,011
You've driven me to it, Malcolm!
You're a control freak!
403
00:18:02,012 --> 00:18:03,038
Why can't I have a
pat on the back?
404
00:18:03,051 --> 00:18:04,087
Good old Archie, for a change?
405
00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:07,047
Swooping in and claiming every
act of generosity!
406
00:18:07,048 --> 00:18:09,011
You're both unbelievable!
407
00:18:09,012 --> 00:18:11,034
The pair of you! It's
ridiculous behaviour! Strutting
408
00:18:11,047 --> 00:18:13,079
around, point scoring,
I mean, it's pathetic!
409
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,019
You're the one who was happy for
his kids to be burnt to death,
410
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:18,010
just so he could flash
his gold card! What?!
411
00:18:18,023 --> 00:18:20,023
Right, where's that bill?
I am paying this! Right?
412
00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:22,510
You're not! Yes, I am!
I'm getting this!
413
00:18:22,523 --> 00:18:25,020
Let him go! I'm getting this!
Argh!
414
00:18:28,004 --> 00:18:30,004
Stop this now!
415
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,063
Stop it or I call the police!
416
00:18:33,064 --> 00:18:36,051
Sorry.
There is no-one else here now.
417
00:18:36,052 --> 00:18:38,039
I need to close the restaurant.
418
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,059
My manager says this meal
can be at the home.
419
00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:45,071
She means on the house.
Yes. Please.
420
00:18:45,072 --> 00:18:50,088
Let me take the bill
and we all go home.
421
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,056
No!
422
00:18:58,016 --> 00:19:01,007
We're going to sort this,
once and for all.
423
00:19:01,008 --> 00:19:03,012
It's not about the bill.
424
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:06,087
It's gone beyond that now.
425
00:19:06,088 --> 00:19:09,027
Look,
can't we just split it four ways?
426
00:19:09,028 --> 00:19:11,018
I'm happy to put in for
the drink, even though I
427
00:19:11,031 --> 00:19:13,031
never had any, although I
did have that Limoncello.
428
00:19:13,032 --> 00:19:16,024
Mind you, that was free. Miss?
Will you bring us
429
00:19:16,037 --> 00:19:19,039
the sharpest knife in
your kitchen, please? No!
430
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:23,091
The matter is closed! There is
no bill! There's always a bill!
431
00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:26,051
Somebody has to pay!
432
00:19:26,052 --> 00:19:28,059
No!
433
00:19:28,060 --> 00:19:31,063
Fellas, whatever you're
thinking about doing,
434
00:19:31,064 --> 00:19:33,079
I would probably
advise against it.
435
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,576
I'm sure there must
be an alternative.
436
00:19:34,589 --> 00:19:36,096
What is he doing, Archie?
437
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,091
I know.
438
00:19:40,092 --> 00:19:45,000
Stab Scotch. Also known
as Pin Finger. Nerve...
439
00:19:46,004 --> 00:19:47,072
Or Five Finger Fillet.
440
00:19:50,024 --> 00:19:52,075
Archie and I have played
this since school.
441
00:19:52,076 --> 00:19:54,051
We used a compass back then.
442
00:19:54,052 --> 00:19:56,031
Or the sharp end of a 2B pencil.
443
00:19:56,032 --> 00:19:58,067
The rules are very simple.
444
00:19:58,068 --> 00:20:02,011
You pass the knife between each
finger and back again ten times,
445
00:20:02,012 --> 00:20:05,023
fastest time wins, winner pays
the bill. Agreed, Archie?
446
00:20:05,024 --> 00:20:06,055
If you wish, yes.
447
00:20:06,056 --> 00:20:08,087
Kevin, will you
time this, please?
448
00:20:08,088 --> 00:20:10,564
Malcolm, wait! Think
what you're doing! We've
449
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,063
got the county semis
coming up in Doncaster.
450
00:20:13,064 --> 00:20:15,558
You don't want to be
butchering yourself like
451
00:20:15,571 --> 00:20:18,075
this! I'll be fine. I
know what I'm doing.
452
00:20:18,076 --> 00:20:22,027
Ahem. I'm not sure I want to go
through with this.
453
00:20:22,028 --> 00:20:24,043
Well, you don't have to.
454
00:20:24,044 --> 00:20:26,088
It's between me and Malcolm now.
455
00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:30,052
Tell me when.
456
00:20:50,064 --> 00:20:53,023
Sorry. I'm just waiting for it
to get to the top.
457
00:20:53,024 --> 00:20:55,038
Look, come here, I'll do
it on my phone. I cannot
458
00:20:55,051 --> 00:20:57,076
allow this! Don't watch, then!
Sshh, sshh, sshh!
459
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,003
Right, are you ready?
460
00:21:03,004 --> 00:21:06,063
Three, two, one.
461
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,036
Go.
462
00:21:10,052 --> 00:21:12,027
One.
463
00:21:12,028 --> 00:21:14,091
Two.
464
00:21:14,092 --> 00:21:16,028
Three.
465
00:21:17,072 --> 00:21:19,063
Four.
466
00:21:19,064 --> 00:21:21,075
Five.
467
00:21:21,076 --> 00:21:24,015
Six.
468
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:26,051
Seven.
469
00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:28,067
Eight.
470
00:21:28,068 --> 00:21:29,072
Nine.
471
00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,084
Done!
472
00:21:34,092 --> 00:21:36,083
23 seconds.
473
00:21:36,084 --> 00:21:38,055
Very good.
474
00:21:38,056 --> 00:21:40,028
Not bad.
475
00:21:43,096 --> 00:21:45,064
Well done.
476
00:21:47,096 --> 00:21:49,075
No, this isn't fair.
477
00:21:49,076 --> 00:21:52,055
He might have double vision
because of his brain tumour.
478
00:21:52,056 --> 00:21:54,071
He hasn't got a tumour, remember?
479
00:21:54,072 --> 00:21:56,004
Oh, yeah. No, carry on.
480
00:21:57,072 --> 00:21:59,091
I'm happy to pay the bill now.
481
00:21:59,092 --> 00:22:02,087
And we can all go home.
No, thank you, Malcolm.
482
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:05,020
I'm fine.
483
00:22:06,052 --> 00:22:09,004
When you're ready, Craig.
484
00:22:11,044 --> 00:22:17,999
Three, two, one.
485
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,084
Go.
486
00:22:22,084 --> 00:22:25,003
One.
487
00:22:25,004 --> 00:22:26,080
Two.
488
00:22:28,088 --> 00:22:30,079
Three.
489
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,019
Four.
490
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:34,027
Five.
491
00:22:34,028 --> 00:22:36,031
How long? 15 seconds.
492
00:22:36,032 --> 00:22:37,999
Six.
493
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,040
Argh!
494
00:22:40,064 --> 00:22:43,043
Seven. Argh! Stop it now, Archie!
You're bleeding!
495
00:22:43,044 --> 00:22:45,023
Make him stop!
496
00:22:45,024 --> 00:22:46,060
Stop it!
497
00:23:11,008 --> 00:23:14,063
What did you do that for?
I didn't do anything!
498
00:23:14,064 --> 00:23:18,095
It wasn't his fault. It was an
accident. Get me some napkins!
499
00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:20,076
Quick!
500
00:23:22,032 --> 00:23:24,006
What shall we do?
Shall we call for
501
00:23:24,019 --> 00:23:26,003
an ambulance? The police? What?
502
00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:27,087
I don't know. Is she alive?
503
00:23:27,088 --> 00:23:30,095
Only just.
Her windpipe's been severed.
504
00:23:30,096 --> 00:23:32,080
Give me that knife.
505
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:38,047
Archie, what should I do?
Shall I call the police?
506
00:23:38,048 --> 00:23:40,079
Give me your phone.
507
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,079
I haven't got much credit
left on it.
508
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,044
Fine. Use it.
509
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:54,999
She's dead.
510
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,071
Oh, God, no!
511
00:23:56,072 --> 00:23:59,015
We've got to get our
story straight, OK?
512
00:23:59,016 --> 00:24:00,514
It was Archie that did
it and you were trying
513
00:24:00,527 --> 00:24:02,035
to stop him. I was
trying to stop him!
514
00:24:02,036 --> 00:24:03,544
Yeah, and that's what we'll say.
Do
515
00:24:03,557 --> 00:24:05,075
we mention the stab cock?
What?!
516
00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:08,095
The game, the fish finger.
No! It's irrelevant.
517
00:24:08,096 --> 00:24:11,015
We'll just say we were
arguing about the bill.
518
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:12,502
All of a sudden, he
grabbed a knife,
519
00:24:12,515 --> 00:24:14,011
he's got cuts on
his hand anyway...
520
00:24:14,012 --> 00:24:15,071
Yes! Right, it's been sorted.
521
00:24:15,072 --> 00:24:16,546
Now, all we have
to do is disappear
522
00:24:16,559 --> 00:24:18,043
and this will be dealt with.
523
00:24:18,044 --> 00:24:22,039
What do you mean? The less you
know about it, the better.
524
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:25,011
Don't let your wives and your
girlfriends see you.
525
00:24:25,012 --> 00:24:28,063
Get rid of your clothes.
Get clean. Have showers.
526
00:24:28,064 --> 00:24:30,030
Clean your showers. Sounds
like you do this on
527
00:24:30,043 --> 00:24:32,019
a weekly basis. You don't
spend time in prison
528
00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:33,534
without making contacts.
People who'll watch
529
00:24:33,547 --> 00:24:35,071
your back. What, when
they're trying to bum you?
530
00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:37,040
Fine, I'll cancel it, then.
We'll call the
531
00:24:37,053 --> 00:24:39,031
police instead! Guys,
look, I can't be here.
532
00:24:39,032 --> 00:24:42,015
This was supposed to be a tapas
meal with the badminton people.
533
00:24:42,016 --> 00:24:43,520
I need to be back in
London tomorrow. What
534
00:24:43,533 --> 00:24:45,047
about the girl? Surely,
she'll be missed.
535
00:24:45,048 --> 00:24:46,554
You heard what she said.
She's only just
536
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:48,083
come here. She's
probably illegal anyway.
537
00:24:48,084 --> 00:24:50,087
It's a risk we'll have to take!
538
00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:52,036
Malcolm?
539
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,056
Do it.
540
00:24:58,032 --> 00:25:01,051
Right, before we go,
we need to sort out the money.
541
00:25:01,052 --> 00:25:03,039
You can pay it, Archie!
I'm not bothered now!
542
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,011
I'm not talking about the bill!
I mean this!
543
00:25:05,012 --> 00:25:06,530
The clean up! It's not
a free service, you
544
00:25:06,543 --> 00:25:08,071
know? I've not got a
couple of coupons!
545
00:25:08,072 --> 00:25:09,999
How much does he want?
546
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:13,999
200. Oh, that's actually very
reasonable. Thousand.
547
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,028
I haven't got that. It's
all right. We'll split
548
00:25:16,041 --> 00:25:18,079
it four ways. What?
50 grand each? Yeah.
549
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,556
Like a diddlum. I
can get it wired
550
00:25:19,569 --> 00:25:21,055
tomorrow morning, first thing.
551
00:25:21,056 --> 00:25:23,075
Has to be cash and
he wants it tonight.
552
00:25:23,076 --> 00:25:27,027
That's just unrealistic! It's
half 11! Archie, one question.
553
00:25:27,028 --> 00:25:29,051
It's just that I didn't actually
touch the knife,
554
00:25:29,052 --> 00:25:30,518
so technically, I
think I probably
555
00:25:30,531 --> 00:25:32,007
owe less. Oh, here we go!
556
00:25:32,008 --> 00:25:34,027
I'm just saying that my...
Shut up, Kevin!
557
00:25:34,028 --> 00:25:36,071
We're all paying the same!
Oh, you've changed your tune!
558
00:25:36,072 --> 00:25:38,067
You were going to pay the whole
bill a minute ago!
559
00:25:38,068 --> 00:25:40,071
Yeah, when it was 200 quid,
not 200 grand!
560
00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:42,046
Stop it! We're running
out of time! It's
561
00:25:42,059 --> 00:25:44,043
just that I haven't got
that kind of money!
562
00:25:44,044 --> 00:25:46,027
I have!
563
00:25:46,028 --> 00:25:47,091
Anoushka.
564
00:25:47,092 --> 00:25:51,011
It's me again. Right, I want you
to go back into my room.
565
00:25:51,012 --> 00:25:54,052
Go into the right-hand wardrobe.
No, not the left one!
566
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,011
Do NOT go in the left!
567
00:25:58,012 --> 00:26:01,027
Right, inside,
you'll see a grey safe.
568
00:26:01,028 --> 00:26:03,091
I need you to open it.
569
00:26:03,092 --> 00:26:06,024
The number is six.. Ow!
570
00:26:12,048 --> 00:26:15,080
Oh... Good... She's still alive.
571
00:26:16,096 --> 00:26:20,035
But we'll still need the money to
clean everything up, won't we?
572
00:26:20,036 --> 00:26:22,027
Forget it. It's over.
573
00:26:22,028 --> 00:26:23,075
She's blown it.
574
00:26:23,076 --> 00:26:26,055
He stood on my hand!
575
00:26:26,056 --> 00:26:28,052
Don't blame me! So close!
We'd have had
576
00:26:28,065 --> 00:26:30,071
him if you'd have
kept your mouth shut!
577
00:26:30,072 --> 00:26:34,039
Anoushka... I'll call you back.
What's going on?
578
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,032
I'd have thought that was
obvious. Have you really
579
00:26:36,045 --> 00:26:38,047
got 200 grand in your
right-hand side wardrobe?
580
00:26:38,048 --> 00:26:41,011
Never mind that. I want to know
what's in the left-hand side.
581
00:26:41,012 --> 00:26:42,087
Archie? What is this?
582
00:26:42,088 --> 00:26:44,035
It's a washout.
583
00:26:44,036 --> 00:26:47,051
I told you it was too elaborate.
It was going fine.
584
00:26:47,052 --> 00:26:50,079
It was just geography. He stood
on her hand. I'm sorry, Prof.
585
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,999
But she's going way over the top
with that accent!
586
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,059
It's barely believable now.
587
00:26:54,060 --> 00:26:57,043
"Can I offer you guys to be
shot?" Oh, piss off, Jerry!
588
00:26:57,044 --> 00:27:00,007
You couldn't do it! And you were
the one who mentioned Susie!
589
00:27:00,008 --> 00:27:01,063
No names, remember?
590
00:27:01,064 --> 00:27:04,047
All this was a set up?
Well, the restaurant's real.
591
00:27:04,048 --> 00:27:07,051
We just had to pay the manager
to take the night off.
592
00:27:07,052 --> 00:27:09,071
And they put their prices up.
They want 1,500 now.
593
00:27:09,072 --> 00:27:11,039
People are such greedy bastards.
594
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,003
You've been scamming me.
I thought we were friends.
595
00:27:15,004 --> 00:27:18,052
Well, see it as a holiday
bromance. And you ARE very rich.
596
00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:22,051
I don't know what to say.
597
00:27:22,052 --> 00:27:25,091
Speechless. Well, I wish she was!
He crushed my fingers!
598
00:27:25,092 --> 00:27:29,007
What about my fucking fingers?
All right! That's enough!
599
00:27:29,008 --> 00:27:31,056
Stop squabbling and abort.
Sorry, Prof.
600
00:27:33,044 --> 00:27:35,063
Karen?
601
00:27:35,064 --> 00:27:37,008
Go and clean yourself up.
602
00:27:41,044 --> 00:27:45,043
I'm afraid you're going to have
to give us that phone.
603
00:27:45,044 --> 00:27:47,019
You what? Why?
604
00:27:47,020 --> 00:27:49,095
Well, we can't have you going
to the police, can we?
605
00:27:49,096 --> 00:27:51,083
You just tried to rob me
of 200 grand!
606
00:27:51,084 --> 00:27:53,067
You got a free meal out of it.
607
00:27:53,068 --> 00:27:55,040
Hand it over.
608
00:27:59,024 --> 00:28:02,036
Sorry... No.
609
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,016
I'm not going to do that.
610
00:28:17,016 --> 00:28:21,056
All right. Well, we've got
a bit of problem, haven't we?
611
00:28:30,020 --> 00:28:33,007
Anyway, we were at Lingfield...
'89, was it?
612
00:28:33,008 --> 00:28:35,087
No, it was later than that. Eh?
It was after Diana had died.
613
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:38,039
What's she got to do with it?
I just remember. All right.
614
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,999
Well, '99, whatever.
615
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,011
And the Professor here had worked
out if we put this
616
00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:44,015
accumulator on seven races,
we could have won...
617
00:28:44,016 --> 00:28:45,522
How much was it, Jack?
Half a million. Half
618
00:28:45,535 --> 00:28:47,051
a million. Well, it
wasn't half a million.
619
00:28:47,052 --> 00:28:51,088
It was 469,000. Excuse me.
Can we get the bill, please?
620
00:28:54,084 --> 00:28:56,067
Certainly, sir.
621
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:58,024
I won't be a second.
48700
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