All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - S02E02 (EN)

This programme contains some
strong language.

Come on, put it in! I can't. I can't! I
can't do it. Don't, you're dropping me!

I've got it, I've got it.

Is that a proper fireman's lift?

I dunno, I'm not a proper fireman.

Uh,
have you got something to drink?

Probably,
have a look in the fridge.

Oh, don't touch anything
with Fung on it! What?

She's my flatmate.
She labels everything.

Fung? What's that, it's Chinese?

Shh, don't say her name,
she might appear.

She's been in bed since 9 o'clock.

Oh, well, they have a different
New Year to us, don't they?

Yeah,
she won't be out till February.

Is that when it is? Yeah, I'm a dog,
apparently. Oh, I've seen worse. Oi!

Sorry.

I thought you were going home
with John Lennon, anyway.

He wasn't John Lennon,
he was Harry Potter.

Mm, Harry Potter, was he?

Yeah, well, I think so.

It was just a pair of round
glasses though, weren't it?

Did he show you his wand?

No, because I told him
I wanted to see the fireman's pole.

I'm... My name's Adam, by the way.

If you're interested. Sorry. I'm Eve.

Really?
No, I just wanted to say that.

I'm Chrissie, Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. Where's your toilet?
It's down the corridor. Right.

I'm going to go and...

Ah!..unravel my hosepipe.

Oh, ho-ho.
Don't have it on sprinkle.

Hello? 'Hi, sexy.
Did you get my valentine's card?'

No, not yet, but the post hasn't
been. Did you get mine?

'Yes, probably somewhere
in this pile here.'

What time are you picking me up?

'Erm, 7-ish? Do you want sex then
meal or meal then sex?'

Erm, how about sex, meal, sex?

'That depends,
is The Grudge going to be in?'

Er, I'm not sure. I'll get
back to you with that information.

'Is she there?' Yes. 'All right,
I'll call you later.' 'Bye-bye.'

Hey, Fung. Good morning.

What have you got on today?

I have a seminar this morning
and another seminar this afternoon.

More maths? Mm.
Continuous quantity, yes.

Sounds complicated. Not necessarily.

Well, it depends on your approach
to measurable magnitudes. Right.

Like you have been going out with
Adam for 13 months...

Mm...which is one year and one
month.

Now, this is referred
to as a portable vector.

Oh, my God, how weird.

Well, not really, it's number theory.
No, I...

I've been, I've been sent a
valentine's card from my ex-boyfriend.

Well, maybe he still likes you?

I haven't seen him since I was 12,
I barely remember him.

"Roses are red, violets are blue
What is that smell? I need a poo."

His sense of humour hasn't changed much.
I wonder how he got my address?

Right, I need to go to my seminar.

I won't be back until 7.30
if you want to have sex with Adam.

Thank you.

Do you remember your teddy, Christine?
I'll bring it along next time.

Oh, she had a lovely peachy bottom,
Adam.

Look at that.
Ah... Her lovely peachy bottom.

Yeah. Mum, stop now.
You're embarrassing Adam.

No, love, I'm embarrassing you.
Right, well, shall I be Mother?

Yes, why not. It is Mother's Day.

Who's that?

Yes, that, that was...Christine's
first boyfriend.

Such a shame he...he died
when he was just 16.

Did he? Yes!

He got...

Leukaemia.

She's got a memory like a sieve,
but she's done well with you, Adam.

You're smashing, though you
could do with getting a haircut.

Mum! So when are you going to marry her?

Oh, my God. Well,
you've been courting for two years.

I was married with a daughter by then.
Yeah, so we're not all like you, Mum.

I have my career to think about.
Career? Huh, measuring feet in Clarks

is hardly a career, Christine.
Thank you very much, Mum.

All I'm saying is your father would
like to walk you down the aisle...

..while he still can.

Would anybody like a biscuit?
Yes, please. No, thanks. OK. Oh.

Mum, just stop it, all right!

Look, there's nothing wrong with
getting married.

Sh, sh! Your generation seems
to think it's old-fashioned.

It's not. It's a commitment.
We don't even live together yet.

Exactly! That would be a start.

Look, it's not going to happen,
so stop going on about it, OK?

I don't even know if Adam's
really... Chrissie?

Where shall I put my CDs? Er, here?

My... So much stuff.
Yeah, there's plenty more.

You're not regretting it, are you?
No. Sure?

Fung's moved out now
so someone's got to pay the rent.

Ah. So... So.

Right. Don't be long.

I've got a surprise for you
when you get back. Oh!

Well...

Shit! Adam?

Adam, what are you doing?

This isn't funny, Adam.

I'm sorry.

What? What? No. Oh!

Horrible dream. Ah.

Oh, get the alarm, would you? Yeah.

Oh, come on, darling.
You're going to be late for work.

It's a bank holiday, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.

But I'll have a cup of tea
now you're up. Oh, OK.

Oh, what shall we do today?

Erm...insert groove
dowel pins into B1 and B2.

I thoug...I dunno what they are.

They look like that, they look
like little maggots. Right, erm...

OK.

Er... And then what?

Er...align sliding panel AB
alongside bar EF.

We've already done that. OK.

Insert rod into top pole until base
connects.

Isn't that what got us
into this mess in the first place?

Oh, hey, hey, don't cry.

What... What are you worried about?

I don't know, I just... What?

I don't want the baby to spoil
everything.

Well, it's not going to do that.

How would it do that?

No. Ah!

'Hey, hey, hey, hey. Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, what's this noise?

'Shh, shh, what's all this noise?

# 'Time to say goodbye

♪ 'Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do... ♪

'Come on, little man,
let's get you out of there.'

Jack! Jack.

Jack?

Adam?

Adam! Someone's taken Jack!
What are you doing?

Wha...? I heard somebody talking.

Yeah. Yeah, it was me.

I know... I'm trying to get him to
sleep. It wasn't you. I...

Shh, calm down, calm down. You'll
set him off again. Hey, come on.

Hey, oh, there we go.

All right? You're just overtired.
Come with me.

Open your eyes! Surprise!

One big puff.

Ah! Happy birthday! Ah, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Dad! Oh, he's been so excited
all week, haven't you, Ernie?

Well, he...he did know he was
coming, but I think it's gone again.

I shouldn't have brought him, really.
No, I'm glad he's here.

He wouldn't want you to
remember him like this.

Happy birthday, dear.
Bet you can't guess what these are.

But they didn't have them
in my size.

Well, someone rang Ipswich
and got them DHL'd.

Oh, my God, you shouldn't have!
Ah, thank you so much!

Two words - staff discount.
Where's Adam?

I don't know, actually.
Mum, where's Adam?

I'm not sure, he said he'd be here.

Hi, darling, happy birthday!

Ah... Hi, Zara.

Happy birthday, Chrissie.
You look...fab.

Ah, I don't, but thanks anyway.

No, I'm sure you've lost a bit.
Yeah, turn round.

Yeah, you...you definitely have.

It's only baby fat,
it'll be gone soon enough.

Well, he's hardly a baby, he's two now.
Where is he?

Erm, he's just having a nap,
how was your work do?

Yeah. We, well, we popped our heads
in, didn't we? Yeah.

Just to schmooze a few clients.

Hi, Bobby. Hi, Adam. Um...

Ah, this is Zara. She's just
started under me. Mm, has she?

Adam.

My dad's here. Yeah. Go and say hello.
Yeah, I'll just get some drinks first.

Right then, come on, Chrissie.
It's THAT time.

No, Mum, please. No, no, it's tradition.

No, I...
Every birthday since she was six,

we've played blind man's buff.
No, not every birthday. Yes, we have.

Though last year it was more
blind drunk buff.

Excuse me, I wasn't there.
She said 'buff', not 'poof'.

Oh, she's always enjoyed party
games, haven't you, love?

Now, the first person you catch can
give you your main present.

Now, you come and spin her, Bobby.
Oh, my pleasure.

One, two, three and...off you go.

Dad, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Sorry, sorry.

I can't get the case to close. You're
going to have to take something out.

Well, you always pack the cases.

Erm, look,
you don't need these shoes, do you?

No, they're my birthday shoes
Bobby got me last year.

I've barely warn those. Well...

We can't take all of these toys then.
No, no, he won't sleep without them.

Well, just make him choose one.
You're too soft on him.

It's his holiday too.

It wasn't meant to be. Don't start.

It was supposed to be
just me and you.

A chance to get away from this
miserable flat for a while.

Yes, well, I'm very sorry
that my dad died. Oh...

I couldn't get my mum to take him
now, could I?

I'm not saying that. Then what are you
saying?! I just wanted it to be fun...

..like it used to be.

Well, that's just life, Adam.
We're doing what other people do.

We're going on holiday as a family.

Yeah? Well, I can't fucking wait.
Get the passports.

What day is it today, Jack?
The first of September.

And what's happening today?
I've got school.

Right. Come on then.
Grandma's going to walk you down.

I want you to take me.

Erm, I can't, darling,
Mummy's got to work.

But I'll be there when you finish, OK?
You are going to have a brilliant day.

I am so, so proud of you.

Ah, right. Now, come on, don't
let's be late for our first day.

All right. Come on.
You're going to show me the way.

Now, you, come on, then let's go
and find this lovely new school.

This is going to be fun. Yes.

Come on, Chrissie,
don't upset yourself.

I just didn't...I didn't think
it would turn out like this.

Well, I never thought I'd end up
walking into the garden centre

and peeing on the hydrangeas,
but there you go.

But you weren't well,
it wasn't your fault.

And this isn't yours, darling girl.

Isn't it?
Adam's left me, Jack's left me.

Only till 3 o'clock. I know but I'm...

I'm 32, divorced and working in a
shoe shop with my gay best friend.

It's hardly the Cinderella story,
is it?

Hey, come on,
enough of that nonsense.

It's Jack's first day at school.
This is meant to be a happy memory.

I'm sorry, Dad,
it just doesn't feel like that.

Bobby, can you get that?
I can't, I'm putting my contacts in.

Hi. 'It's me, can you buzz me in?'
And you're late. 'Thanks.'

Come on, Bobby. Come on, Adam's arrived.
You ready?

What'd you think? Are those the
contacts or just your eyes? Contacts.

Oh, it's good.
What are you, a zombie waiter?

Oh, piss off, Chrissie,
I'm meant to be a vampire! Oh, right!

Right, well, I'm turning it into a
werewolf. I've got teeth here somewhere.

So, erm, is your new fella
going to be there?

He's not me new fella, be quiet.

You want him to be though,
don't you?

I've...only seen his picture
on a website.

It's fancy dress,
how are you going to know it's him?

He's going to have an alien
bursting out of his chest.

And er, did you just
say you're going as yourself?

Jack's in his bedroom.

You got some explaining to do.

Do I look hairy enough?

You look like Tony the Tiger. Oh...
Come here.

I'll turn it into a cobweb.

Mm, do you remember when I first
moved in here ten years ago? Uh-huh.

And I was living with that,
what was her name, Fung?

Oh, my God, The Grudge,
that would have been a good one.

Do you remember we said that
if neither of us

met someone in ten years,
we'd get married to each other?

Ah, you're not that desperate,
are you, babe?

No, I was thinking, you know,
it's funny how things turn out.

Oh, trick or treaters.
Go on, give 'em a scare.

You could have told me
the lift was broken. I'm knackered!

Jack? Jack!

I've got him, I've got him.
I've got him, got...

No, just get back here as quickly
as you can, will you?

OK, thanks. Here you go, darling. Here.

Keep it there. OK,
it's going to sting a little bit,

but just keep it under there.
I'm just going to ring Daddy.

'Hello?'
Jack's had an accident.

'What?' He's...he's all right, but
he's burnt his hand on a sparkler.

'Ah, OK, OK. Erm... Well...' Can you
just come round please? I need you.

'OK, I'm on my way.' Thanks.
He's probably fine, I'm just...

I'm overreacting. I've seen too
many public information films.

Oh, Christine. He's in the bathroom.
My mum's here now anyway so...

'I'll be there in five minutes, OK?'
OK. 'Hang on. I love you.'

Mum! Mum, is he all right?

Yes, yes, he's fine.

There's not a mark on him. Look.

But no, he was crying.

Well, you probably frightened him.

Jack, Jack, go and watch the fireworks.
You can see them out of your window.

I saw him pick up a sparkler,
he burnt his hand. I...saw it.

But he can't have.
There's nothing wrong with him.

You did, when you were his age...

Burnt right through your mittens.
Do you remember?

Well,
maybe you were thinking of that?

Let me get you a cup of tea.

I don't know what's wrong with me,
Mum?

I'm getting everything jumbled up.

Well, put your hat on then.

What? Put your hat on.

That's better.

Right, why are Christmas trees
so bad at sewing?

Oh. They always drop their needles.
Terrible.

Well, you never did have a
sense of humour, did you, Ernie?

Oh, I don't know,
I married you, didn't I?

Dad, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm tickety-boo.
I had to be here for this, didn't I?

I wouldn't have missed
it for the world.

Are you all right, love? Well done
on all this, it looks gorgeous.

Just like you.

Well, I did the Brussels sprouts.

Yes, and we'll be hearing
from them later. Oh, dear.

Wha... Where's Jack? Er, he's just
getting his outfit on for the Nativity.

Aw, bless him.
Adam, are...are we back together?

Yeah. Course. You remember
Bonfire Night last year?

I think it's time for the present.
Oh!

No, I don't want the present.

Yeah, come on!

This is from all of us.
We all contributed. I hope you like it.

Oh, no. Is that me?

Yes!

Oh, gosh!

Oh, the cot!
Do you remember that?

We couldn't put it up, could we?
Yeah, it took us three days.

Ah, look at... Tony Tiger.

This is amazing.
You've got everything.

This is like my whole life is
flashing...

I think I know what this is now.

OK, Fire Brigade. Can you hear me?

I don't know what's wrong with me,
Mum.

I'm getting everything jumbled up.

She's got a memory like a sieve.

He wouldn't want you to
remember him like this.

Well, that's just life, Adam.

This is supposed to be
a happy memory.

Jack!

Mummy's going now.

Oh, no, I don't want to.

It's my fault. I just stepped out
into the road. I wasn't looking.

Erm, I managed to get the kid out
but I couldn't get to her.

Sorry.

Come on, Jack.

It's time, Christine.

Goodbye, everyone.

I love you.