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1
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:07,049
Computer:
Agent sterling Archer, code name duchess.
2
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,592
License to kill.
3
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:11,678
Primary skills: Covert operations...
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:15,098
Unarmed combat, firearms, explosives...
5
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,435
Asset acquisition, enemy agent disposal.
6
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,687
Current status: Missing.
7
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,564
Malory: For three months.
8
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:26,693
Sterling's been missing for three months
and you idiots have nothing.
9
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,904
Well name-calling's not gonna get us...
10
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,115
[Bleeping]
11
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,618
Anywhere.
Which is where Archer could be.
12
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:37,913
Malory, we've checked every safe house,
run down every lead.
13
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,125
And he hasn't touched any
of his bank accounts, so unless he... oh.
14
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,836
Were you gonna say,
"unless he's been skimming cash...
15
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,297
From his operations accounts
all these years"?
16
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,384
Yeah, duh, right?
He wouldn't dare steal from me.
17
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,135
Oh, please, we all...
18
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,100
So we've got a highly-ish skilled
covert agent...
19
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,852
Who probably has millions of dollars
in cash.
20
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,437
Who doesn't want to be found.
21
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,440
Being looked for by people
who don't want to find him.
22
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,733
Whatever. Meaning whom?
23
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,320
Oh, don't give me that. You're all
secretly delighted that he's gone.
24
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:14,157
Well, I wouldn't say delighted, but...
I cannot say I miss the bullying.
25
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,661
Me neither. Plus Isis actually
turned a profit this quarter.
26
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,371
Be that as it...
27
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,831
No, never mind.
28
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,001
Because since you've all been
half-assedly phoning it in...
29
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:28,338
Malory, he can't be found.
I mean, if he's even still, um...
30
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:32,175
Still what? Alive.
31
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:36,013
Jeez. Ow. Talk about "duh."
I bet he already totally killed himself.
32
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,974
No, he didn't. What's wrong with you?
33
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,727
Nothing.
Because my skeevy Russian fiancee...
34
00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:45,355
Wasn't murdered in front of my
very eyeballs at my stupid wedding.
35
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,399
Archer: No!
36
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:48,692
Katya!
37
00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,861
No! Barry: Whoo!
38
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:54,323
How's that feel, Archer, huh?
Now both our weddings are canceled.
39
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,825
Barry!
40
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,536
Ha, ha, ha.
Is that how you crash a wedding?
41
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,998
Yes, it is, bionic Barry. Yes, it is.
42
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:07,794
No. No matter how distraught sterling
is over Katya, he won't kill himself.
43
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,212
He'd never do that to me.
44
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,174
He's alive somewhere,
and since you fools can't find him...
45
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,468
I called in someone who can.
46
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,554
Say hello to rip Riley, manhunter.
47
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,641
Manhunter? Now, if that's not the pot
calling the kettle black.
48
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:25,729
Oh, rip, you old so-and-so.
How are you, mal? Besides gorgeous?
49
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,399
Oh, I'm not, I'm a mess. I'm worried
half to death about sterling, and...
50
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,234
Don't be. I tracked him down.
What?
51
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,402
How? See?
52
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,155
Yeah, this new thing called
intelligence gathering.
53
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,034
Anywho, he's on a little island
called wapuni in French Polynesia.
54
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,702
With his millions in cash.
55
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,871
Tending bar.
56
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,582
I 7! Pick him up tonight.
Three days back to New York...
57
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:50,087
So if you're not busy Friday night...
I'll book us our old booth at 21.
58
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,922
Outstanding. Riley out.
59
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,258
What a hunk. Total sploosh.
60
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,345
Actually, yeah,
gotta give him the sploosh.
61
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:04,184
And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is,
which I guess is just sploosh.
62
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,186
Only with semen.
63
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:47,477
Oh, my god, I can't
believe I just did that.
64
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,564
You know, I'm not like that...
Archer: No, hey, come on, don't do that.
65
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,151
Don't ruin your postcoital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
66
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,112
How is it misplaced?
I'm on my honeymoon.
67
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,990
At least you got a honeymoon.
My fiancee was murdered.
68
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,616
Wait, what?
69
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,410
Oh, and you married an idiot.
70
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,371
Who plays 36 holes of golf
on the first day of his honeymoon?
71
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,332
Not to, whatever,
but that can't bode well for your marriage.
72
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,752
Get the hell out, you piece of shit!
73
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:15,005
Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a prenup,
because... oh, my god.
74
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,759
Ahem. Hey, so, what happened
was somebody ordered room service...
75
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:23,346
But the regular room-service guy, he died,
so I came in here and then I fell on the bed.
76
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,432
Wait, you're not her husband.
77
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,185
And you're not one of my dick bosses,
so can I help you?
78
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:32,189
Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down
to the dock and board my seaplane.
79
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:36,318
Okay, a, rhetorical, and, b, your what?
Seaplane.
80
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:40,489
Looks like an airplane had a baby with
a boat. Yeah, I know what a seaplane is.
81
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,784
Yet you're surprisingly unclear
on the phrase "quickly and quietly."
82
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,161
And even more unclear on who you are.
83
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,372
Name's rip Riley. Your mother hired me
to bring you back, sterling.
84
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,500
She what? I mean, who?
85
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:55,712
I'm Randy, see? 80 you can just go back
to that other guy's mother...
86
00:04:55,879 --> 00:05:01,134
And tell her that even if you did find that
other guy, he's never coming back to Isis.
87
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,347
Wait, did you say Isis or—-? How did Isis
suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking.
88
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:08,016
I'm asking you for the last time
to get on that plane.
89
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,727
You wanna try and make me, rip?
No, I don't.
90
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,687
And I promise...
91
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,692
You don't want that either.
92
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,986
Archer: Hey, so listen.
93
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,905
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
94
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,784
But I'm willing to, you know,
let bygones be gone by the wayside.
95
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,328
Good to know. But I'm not there yet.
96
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:32,082
Well, give it some time. Speaking
of, how long is this stupid flight?
97
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,584
Riley: About 40 hours in the air.
Hooray.
98
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,461
But I have to island-hop to refuel.
99
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:40,465
Old Lucy goosey here only has a range
of about a thousand nautical miles.
100
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,759
Yeah, making it wildly impractical. Got it.
101
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,427
This plane is totally practical.
102
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:47,639
For the ridiculous image
you're trying to cultivate for yourself.
103
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,350
What image?
Sky captain of yesteryear!
104
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,270
At least I'm not sky captain
of "I ran away from home."
105
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,522
I didn't run away from home.
I'm a grown man.
106
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,400
Whose fiancee was murdered
in front of his very eyes.
107
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,944
So excuse me for needing some time
to grieve.
108
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,071
By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
109
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,949
Apparently that's my grieving process.
110
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:09,619
And also I need to use the bathroom.
A, it's called the head, and, b, no.
111
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,664
Pee in your pants.
Yeah, wrong number.
112
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,750
And I've had nothing but liquor
and mangoes for three months...
113
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:19,379
So unless you wanna fly a thousand
nautical miles sitting next to that...
114
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,298
Okay, I'm setting the autopilot.
115
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,758
But this better not be a ruse.
Heh, heh. A ruse?
116
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:24,968
[Imitates phone ringing]
117
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,469
Hello? Hi, it's the 19303.
118
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,930
Can we have our words, clothes
and airplane back?
119
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,849
Let's go, kid.
Call you back, 19303.
120
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,102
And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler.
He's a bad egg.
121
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,396
No, one pedal fills it with water...
122
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,648
Archer: I did that.
The other pedal flushes it.
123
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,525
Archer: No, it doesn't. Ugh.
124
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,695
You come try.
I gotta choke down this gag reflex.
125
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:47,157
Yeah, quit being a dick
for five seconds and unlock the door.
126
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,491
It doesn't have a lock.
127
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,912
Damn it, I'm gonna puke and there's no room
in the toilet or the sink.
128
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,331
What the hell did you put in the sink?
129
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,167
A ruse, you big dumb idiot.
130
00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:00,253
And also a bunch of shaving cream
and toilet paper. Ha, ha, ha.
131
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,630
Just because.
132
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,674
Where does malory get off implying
that we didn't do our best?
133
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,426
No, she straight-up said it.
134
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,012
What she implied
was that we're jealous of Archer...
135
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,348
And that you're still attracted to him.
136
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,683
I... that's... what?
Pam: Oh, please.
137
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:17,187
You're so hot for him,
I could reheat this chili in your cooch.
138
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,857
Don't you have some humans to resource?
Actually, no.
139
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,694
Most of my job is dealing with sexual
harassment complaints against Mr. Archer.
140
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:28,782
So are we gonna make some cooch chili
or what?
141
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,242
[Riley groaning]
142
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:34,537
What the...? What the holy...?
What in holy hell are you doing?
143
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,666
It was gonna be an old-fashioned
but I couldn't find bitters.
144
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,376
How long was I out? Hard to say.
145
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,212
After I shaved and stuff,
I took a pretty long nap, so...
146
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:46,549
Uncuff me, you idiot. Holy god,
if we overshot our chance to refuel...
147
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,553
I thought you put it on autopilot.
It just maintains course and altitude.
148
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:55,016
It doesn't know how to find the
only airstrip within a thousand miles...
149
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,310
So it can land itself when it needs gas!
150
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,105
Then I, uh, misunderstood the concept.
151
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:01,898
Uncuff me! Okay. God.
152
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,401
Wait, first promise
you won't take me back to Isis.
153
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:07,737
Isis? You'll be lucky
if I can get us back to land.
154
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,073
Now uncuff me! Okay. God.
155
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,367
Wait a minute. Is this a ruse?
156
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,577
[Engine explodes and sputtering]
157
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:18,081
Because if it is, pretty elaborate.
158
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,795
Riley:
Damn it. There goes number two.
159
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,756
But it can land on water, right?
Isn't that the whole point?
160
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:31,094
It's kind of a different story
when we're dropping like a ton of bricks.
161
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,347
Damn, I can barely hold her level.
Want me to help steer or—-?
162
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,768
Haven't you done enough already?
How is this suddenly my fault?
163
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,687
Okay, this is it.
164
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,356
Come on, Lucy goosey, you can do it.
165
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,108
Looking good, girl.
166
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,445
I think we're gonna be okay.
Wait, you didn't put the wheels down.
167
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:49,863
The what? What are you...?
168
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,115
[Clicking]
169
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,997
Damn it!
170
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,248
Ah!
171
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,632
[Gasping]
172
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,634
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
173
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,803
Two personal records!
174
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:59,390
For breath-holding and number of sharks
shot in the fricking face.
175
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,684
Did you see that?
176
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,520
Dude, are you even alive?
177
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,688
No, that side's too low.
178
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,983
Well, I can't tell from here.
Well, I can, and it's too low.
179
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,902
I think you mean "premature."
180
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,363
What did you say? Nothing.
181
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:17,784
Archer doesn't want to come back, so I don't
know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane.
182
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,869
Which I bet will crash. Yeah.
183
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,789
Now, you listen.
Sterling is coming home safe and sound...
184
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,708
And when he does,
it'll be no thanks to you people...
185
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,170
So you can forget about getting carvel.
Oh.
186
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,713
Cookie puss.
187
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,215
[Groaning]
188
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:36,177
What the...? What in the holy hell
are you doing now?
189
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,221
Ugh. Wondering why
this is called a d ration.
190
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,724
Ought to call it a y ration, as in,
"hey, this tastes like cat shit."
191
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,936
They're not candy bars, jackass,
they're survival rations.
192
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:48,565
They might have to last us a while.
193
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,733
Oh, you son of a... okay, that's it.
194
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,028
As of right now, I'm... what the...?
Looking for this?
195
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,990
Give me that.
No. You're agitated.
196
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,576
I'm agitated
because you crashed my plane...
197
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:03,204
In the god knows if it's even the middle
of the pacific ocean.
198
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:06,374
Which you're floating on,
and not getting shit out of a shark in.
199
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,751
Wait, what?
I saved you from a shark, rip.
200
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,921
Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shit heap of a plane...
201
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,425
But before I gave you cpr
and bandaged your head.
202
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,595
Oh. Well, thanks.
You're welcome.
203
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,055
Sorry I ate so much food.
That was a dick move.
204
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,433
If it makes you feel better,
I puked most of it up.
205
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,143
It doesn't. Raft's pretty Bobby.
206
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:29,272
We've got a few gallons of freshwater,
a desalinator for when that runs out.
207
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,400
Let's see, flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear. Oh!
208
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,860
And this guy. What is that?
209
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,946
Emergency beacon. Beams a
signal directly to the Isis satellite.
210
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,573
[Beacon bleeping]
211
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,451
Oh, well, that's just great.
Now I get to deal with this...
212
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:47,165
As my hot meatball sub congeals into
a big, fat, disappointing blob of shit.
213
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,417
Nobody's gonna touch that?
214
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,087
Yeah. 80 I figure three days
for Isis to get a rescue team out here.
215
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,758
Nice. 80 we just kick back,
catch a few rays, catch some Sushi.
216
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,052
Not gonna be a picnic...
Can I check that out?
217
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,638
Don't mess with those knobs.
I got the frequency set.
218
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,432
Hey thanks, guglielmo marconi...
219
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,768
Who I think invented the radio.
220
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,228
Over.
221
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,480
Malory:
But if the emergency beacon is going off...
222
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,983
Oh, my god, their plane crashed.
Cheryl: Ah!
223
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,653
I said that would happen and it did.
224
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,072
Oh, my god.
What if I have psychokinetic powers?
225
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,492
I don't know.
Just try to only use them for good.
226
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:23,993
Malory: Well? No.
227
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,080
Don't just sit there sweating
like a gigantic cheese.
228
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,499
Do something. Ow! And I am.
229
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,877
Our satellite's locked on the beacon,
which is, jeez, the middle of nowhere.
230
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:36,005
Lana, ray, get there this instant.
Uh...
231
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,759
Sort of following up on his thing
about the middle of nowhere. How?
232
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,177
[Lana gasps]
233
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,704
The black titanium corporate card?
234
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,347
Pam:
I thought it was just a myth.
235
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,600
Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn.
236
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,352
Charter a private jet to Honolulu.
237
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:53,064
Then I don't care if you have to buy
a plane, get out there and find him.
238
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,275
Wait. No, that's not in the budget.
239
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:59,404
Say "budget" to me again, cyril.
Save your receipts, please.
240
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,948
And call me the very instant
you have an update.
241
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:06,786
And you. You lose my son, you'll have to
drink your meatball subs through a straw.
242
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,037
Again, ow!
243
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,748
And again, the satellite
is locked on the beacon...
244
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,668
So unless he, I don't
know, throws it away...
245
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,503
Why the hell would he do that?
246
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,215
I told you. I'm not going back there.
Well, you say that.
247
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,760
Riley, I will shoot you.
Then I'll shoot you. With a flare.
248
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,555
Then I'll use a d ration bar
and two survival crackers...
249
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:30,018
To make s'mores over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.
250
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,187
Goddamn, dude.
Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.
251
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,231
Well, being a spy makes you crazy.
252
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,484
I mean, what kind ofjob is that,
where your fiancee gets murdered?
253
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,321
Hello, stress. And don't even
get me started on my mother.
254
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,573
I mean, she...
She can be a steel-clad bitch.
255
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,742
I know. Why do you think I left Isis?
256
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,162
You were an Isis agent?
Briefly, way back.
257
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,582
Didn't work out, because your mother...
Was impossible to please.
258
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,083
God, if you only knew. What?
259
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,210
How much your mom loves you.
260
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,422
You would at least have the heart
to go tell her you're quitting in person.
261
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:03,176
Sheesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Man up. Talk to your mother.
262
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,429
Then you can be a bartender
and destroy a new marriage every week.
263
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:10,892
Come on, that marriage was doomed. And
so are we, if we don't work together here.
264
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,478
So truce?
265
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,204
Yeah. And, hey, we're not doomed. Look.
266
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,731
[Boat dinging]
267
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,069
Over here! Hey!
No, no, no, quit waving. Get down.
268
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:24,280
Don't you wanna get rescued?
Yeah, but those could be pirates.
269
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:28,701
Okay, well, then they'll just have to do
till we find some cowboys and Indians.
270
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,371
What?
What "what"? What are you talking about?
271
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,540
Archer: I'm sorry.
272
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,293
I didn't know pirates were...
273
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,545
Still a real thing.
274
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,761
This is not at all what I pictured.
You hear "pirate ship"...
275
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,972
You think sails, cannonballs.
Not one of these guys has a beard.
276
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,266
Are you done? Hang on.
277
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,768
Planks. Now I'm done.
278
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,938
The fact that we're still alive
tells me they're gonna try to...
279
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,648
Don't say "rape."
280
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,274
Ransom us. Awesome.
281
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:03,486
Compared to rape,
which seems like a thing pirates would do.
282
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,947
Those numskulls who picked us up
were so drunk...
283
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,366
That did seem piratey.
They forgot to search me.
284
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,993
Unless you've got Navy seals stuffed
in your pants...
285
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,995
No. I've got the signal beacon.
286
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,665
We stall the pirates
until the Isis rescue team shows up...
287
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,001
Boards the ship, takes them all out.
Bing, bang, boom.
288
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,337
[Laughing]
289
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,841
Which is funny why?
Gee, where do I start?
290
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,136
Gillette: I will start with the caviar
and the '38 montrachet...
291
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:31,597
Then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 lapin...
292
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,559
And this chocolate terrine looks insane.
293
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,145
And then just send me
to fat camp and pray to god...
294
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,939
I don't eat all those fat,
delicious childrens.
295
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,983
Because I will gobble them up.
296
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,070
Wow, Isis has really gone downhill.
But there must be some good agents.
297
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:49,031
It kills me to say it, but maybe Lana.
298
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,201
I doubt that's what malory had in mind
when she gave us the card.
299
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,346
You know, we are on a rescue mission.
Gillette: Ugh.
300
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,372
Rescue me from myself.
301
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:57,874
Such a fatty.
302
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,626
I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs
in that basket.
303
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,378
Well, you got a better plan?
304
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:06,424
I don't. I'm not really a planner.
My process is a little more organic.
305
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:07,967
[Door opens]
306
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,469
[Speaks in foreign language]
307
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,805
So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.
308
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,558
See? This is why I like to keep it loose.
309
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,727
I mean, the wine's crap, but... oh, sorry.
310
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,897
No offense, captain.
No, I am who is sorry.
311
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,024
This from million-dollar yacht.
312
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,902
Now I don't feel bad for killing them.
313
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:29,530
Serves them right, those jerks.
But you know wine. You rich man.
314
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,991
Me? No, I'm... rich man.
315
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,910
My men take this off you.
316
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,245
The omicron spacemaster.
317
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,956
Oh, it's actually the spy...
Spacemaster, yeah_
318
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,708
Good old spacemaster.
319
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,252
"To sterling. Love, mother."
320
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,254
Your mother rich lady.
321
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:49,383
Yeah, crazy rich.
She invented the splashless urinal cake.
322
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,593
The what?
323
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,054
Well, doesn't matter.
She's rich and she loves me.
324
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:57,391
And I'm really rich
and this is my manservant, jerkins.
325
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,268
Funny stuff. Not now, jerkins.
326
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,771
So I bet she'd pay
whatever ransom you ask for.
327
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,315
Splashless urinal cakes
have been pretty good to us.
328
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,026
As you can imagine.
Yeah, this good to hear.
329
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,112
But we can't do any of that
"mail somebody a finger" shit...
330
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,032
No, no, no, we take you back to my island.
331
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,619
Call your mother, get big, big money!
Awesome.
332
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,120
Compared to finger-mailing.
333
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,123
So tell me about this island of yours.
334
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,125
It's a tiny little rock called pang...
335
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:27,004
Nothing else within a thousand miles, and the
beacon has been heading straight for it...
336
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,299
At about 20 knots.
So a ship must have picked them up.
337
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,093
But I've never even heard of pang...
338
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:37,473
Is there a naval base there or...?
Not exactly. It's more of a, uh...
339
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,683
Pirate fortress.
340
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,311
No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure
you said the phrase "pirate fortress."
341
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,774
Which apparently, yes, you did say
the word "pirate," followed by the word...
342
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:50,528
Captain: "Fortress." That is the word.
My English so crap.
343
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:54,740
I bet you just need more practice.
Try this: Jerkins, you're a douche bag.
344
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,034
Funny stuff.
Jerkins, you douche bag.
345
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,580
Well, keep at it. Oh, and, hey,
did we cross the international date line?
346
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:05,293
Because I can change the date for you
on that omicron spacemaster.
347
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:07,086
Yeah, okay, damn guy.
348
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:11,173
Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't want
to be walking around like a dickhead...
349
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,719
With the wrong date
on your omicron spymaster.
350
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,679
What the hell, damn guy?
351
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,973
It's the omicron spymaster.
352
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,727
Which is why it's got knockout gas
and a garrote and I think even a laser.
353
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,606
And, Riley, do I have to kill
everyone myself? Huh? Oh.
354
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,191
Oh, shit.
355
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,778
Seriously, what the hell, Riley?
I didn't know you were making a move.
356
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,947
Um, dickhead?
Takes one to know one.
357
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,034
No, "dickhead" was the go word.
How was I supposed to know?
358
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,369
Sorry, I forgot to tell
you the go word was...
359
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,704
Captain: Douche bag. What?
360
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,122
I kill you.
361
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,044
But even still, Riley,
you gotta be quicker.
362
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,047
I know you're pretty old...
Now that I know the go word...
363
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,799
No, idiot, it changes every time.
What is it now?
364
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,136
Pirates! That's kind of
confusing since we're on a...
365
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:02,725
Ow! Come on, that was right in my
fricking ear. Sorry, I know that hurts.
366
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,144
Riley: Hey, come on.
Happens to me kind of a lot.
367
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,481
Ow!
I actually have, like, mild tinnitus now.
368
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,817
I mean, it's gotten to where
I had to start sleeping with a fan on.
369
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,404
Oh, my god.
Yeah, otherwise it's like:
370
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:16,656
[Makes shrill noise]
371
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,908
No, you just killed, like, 10 pirates.
372
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:23,245
Wow, if the 5-year—old me knew that,
he would get a huge boner.
373
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,830
No idea why I said that.
374
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:29,085
Once these idiots figure out they can turn those
cannons on the wheelhouse, we're gonna be...
375
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,795
[Pirates chattering]
376
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,922
Kind of confused.
What are they doing?
377
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,965
Riley: Looks like they're surrendering.
Why?
378
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,884
All they have to do...
Who cares why?
379
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,261
I do. What if this is a ruse?
It's not a ruse.
380
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,472
Say something
before they change their minds.
381
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,391
Do they speak English?
382
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:44,684
Hello, pirates.
383
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,269
Who speaks English?
Let me see some hands.
384
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,189
Wow. Way more than I thought.
385
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,275
Excuse me? Sorry, hi, I'm Noah.
386
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,362
What are you, the first mate, or—-?
Oh, god. Oh, well, thanks.
387
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,531
No, I'm a bajak budak.
Archer: Okay.
388
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,868
It's sort of a... I guess the nearest
translation is "slave-pirate"?
389
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,954
Do you speak English?
Noah: I do. Yes.
390
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,474
They don't, though.
They're just surrendering the ship to you.
391
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:08,767
[Noah speaks in foreign language]
392
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:09,792
And the fort. Why?
393
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,585
You're the new captain.
Both: The what?
394
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,296
If you kill the old captain,
you become the new captain.
395
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,966
You don't think of pirates
as having a lot of rules...
396
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,968
But they do and that's a big one.
397
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,429
Well, uh, tell them hands down.
398
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,305
[Noah speaks in foreign language]
399
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,057
Holy shit. Did you just see that?
400
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,976
No, I'm too busy looking at that.
401
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,769
What is...? What am I seeing?
402
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:32,273
Noah: Oh, the women always throw
a huge feast when we return to port.
403
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,984
Should I tell them to cancel it, or...?
Huh? Uh—— uh...
404
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:38,988
No. No, we're totally feasting. Say that.
405
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,449
[Noah speaks in foreign language
and pirates cheering]
406
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:45,453
Nice plan. Once they're good and drunk,
we'll turn this tub around and head home.
407
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,872
Home? Riley, I am home.
408
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:51,083
What? Over my dead body
you're running away to be a pirate.
409
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,502
Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate.
410
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,713
[Pirates' guns cocking]
411
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,508
I'm gonna be a pirate king.
412
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,122
[English - us - psdh]
413
00:21:30,172 --> 00:21:34,722
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