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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,718 --> 00:00:04,056 Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years, 2 00:00:04,066 --> 00:00:06,826 until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. 3 00:00:07,566 --> 00:00:10,211 The healing process was taking a long time. 4 00:00:11,601 --> 00:00:14,453 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 5 00:00:14,463 --> 00:00:16,091 All right, I'll see you guys later. 6 00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,230 I'll walk you out. 7 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:18,474 See ya. 8 00:00:18,764 --> 00:00:22,714 www.NapiProjekt.pl - nowa jako�� napis�w. Napisy zosta�y specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu. 9 00:00:22,764 --> 00:00:24,855 You just checked out Robin's ass. 10 00:00:24,865 --> 00:00:26,937 What? No! No, Barney, I was... 11 00:00:26,948 --> 00:00:28,940 Dude, that's awesome. 12 00:00:28,953 --> 00:00:32,039 You're finally forgetting about that short redhead. 13 00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:32,780 Lily. 14 00:00:32,792 --> 00:00:35,977 Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was going to drive me crazy all night. 15 00:00:35,989 --> 00:00:38,222 Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 16 00:00:38,257 --> 00:00:40,871 - I did not, Ted, I... - That's awesome. 17 00:00:40,887 --> 00:00:42,291 You're finally getting better. 18 00:00:42,305 --> 00:00:44,172 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 19 00:00:44,187 --> 00:00:47,612 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 20 00:00:47,627 --> 00:00:49,590 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; Marshall's in. 21 00:00:49,606 --> 00:00:50,943 - Yes! - Oh, God. 22 00:00:50,957 --> 00:00:54,793 Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like... 23 00:00:55,617 --> 00:00:57,243 What's something everybody likes? 24 00:00:57,255 --> 00:00:58,261 Candy. 25 00:00:58,277 --> 00:01:00,803 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 26 00:01:00,818 --> 00:01:04,122 You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. 27 00:01:04,558 --> 00:01:06,000 Yeah. 28 00:01:06,537 --> 00:01:08,103 Is Whoppers the best one? 29 00:01:08,117 --> 00:01:09,193 Mounds. 30 00:01:09,207 --> 00:01:10,523 Milk Duds. 31 00:01:10,536 --> 00:01:12,170 Gobstoppers. 32 00:01:12,995 --> 00:01:15,211 This went on for another hour; 33 00:01:15,226 --> 00:01:16,691 I'll just skip to the end. 34 00:01:16,705 --> 00:01:18,731 - Dubble Bubbles. - Nice! 35 00:01:18,748 --> 00:01:20,453 Marshall. We're doing this. 36 00:01:20,465 --> 00:01:22,390 I am not taking no for an answer. 37 00:01:22,405 --> 00:01:23,671 Fine. 38 00:01:23,685 --> 00:01:25,790 Hey, Robin. Marshall checked out your ass. 39 00:01:25,807 --> 00:01:27,342 Ted, what is wrong with you? 40 00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:29,012 He checked out my ass. 41 00:01:29,027 --> 00:01:32,552 Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 42 00:01:32,566 --> 00:01:34,520 Cool, see ya. 43 00:01:37,655 --> 00:01:39,132 Lily. 44 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,432 It is a great ass. 45 00:01:41,889 --> 00:01:44,389 Sync by vNaru 46 00:01:54,966 --> 00:01:57,382 None of us had seen Lily in three months. 47 00:01:57,398 --> 00:01:59,393 There were so many unanswered questions, 48 00:01:59,407 --> 00:02:01,013 so many things to say. 49 00:02:01,027 --> 00:02:03,723 Your hair is adorable. 50 00:02:05,415 --> 00:02:08,320 Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women 51 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:10,883 for the first time since he was 17. 52 00:02:10,896 --> 00:02:13,150 Hi. Have you met Marshall? 53 00:02:13,896 --> 00:02:15,353 - Hi. - Hi. 54 00:02:17,148 --> 00:02:19,523 Look how sweaty my hands are. 55 00:02:20,398 --> 00:02:22,980 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 56 00:02:22,997 --> 00:02:26,962 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 57 00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,702 It was nice meeting you. 58 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:33,461 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 59 00:02:33,477 --> 00:02:35,350 do you like magic? 60 00:02:35,365 --> 00:02:37,433 Um, I guess. 61 00:02:39,175 --> 00:02:41,761 Oh, my God! 62 00:02:45,938 --> 00:02:48,481 Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. 63 00:02:48,496 --> 00:02:50,761 Salad in a bag? His idea. 64 00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:53,693 Dude! You were awesome last night. 65 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,410 You were charming, you were funny, 66 00:02:55,428 --> 00:02:57,160 you were totally working that girl. 67 00:02:57,175 --> 00:02:58,561 You went home with her. 68 00:02:58,575 --> 00:03:00,423 Yes, I did. 69 00:03:00,746 --> 00:03:03,722 But she told me that if it wasn't for me, 70 00:03:03,737 --> 00:03:05,260 you would have had a shot with her, 71 00:03:05,275 --> 00:03:08,122 so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 72 00:03:08,135 --> 00:03:09,360 All right! 73 00:03:09,376 --> 00:03:11,242 Hypothetical high five. 74 00:03:12,748 --> 00:03:14,243 Nice. 75 00:03:14,255 --> 00:03:16,583 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 76 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:19,330 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 77 00:03:19,348 --> 00:03:22,143 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. 78 00:03:22,157 --> 00:03:22,931 Oh, really? 79 00:03:22,948 --> 00:03:25,083 My favorite, number seven: 80 00:03:25,097 --> 00:03:26,993 create a mystery about yourself. 81 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:30,772 That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night. 82 00:03:30,785 --> 00:03:32,820 Oh, come on, does that really work? 83 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,841 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 84 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,950 Damn it, that's intriguing. Okay, I'm in. 85 00:03:43,965 --> 00:03:46,100 - I have something you've got to hear. - You will not believe what just happened. 86 00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:47,713 You go first. 87 00:03:48,757 --> 00:03:51,623 I found a 1939d penny on the subway. 88 00:03:51,697 --> 00:03:54,600 Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy... 89 00:03:54,616 --> 00:03:56,262 Lily's back in town. 90 00:03:56,405 --> 00:03:58,903 And you let me go first? 91 00:03:58,918 --> 00:03:59,882 Have you seen her? 92 00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:03,370 Yeah. I actually went apartment-hunting with her today. 93 00:04:03,388 --> 00:04:04,943 How's she doing? 94 00:04:04,957 --> 00:04:06,692 You're not going to like it. 95 00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:09,210 I am doing great. 96 00:04:09,228 --> 00:04:11,362 This summer, best thing ever! 97 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,130 San Francisco is so happening right now. 98 00:04:14,148 --> 00:04:15,691 She's happy?! 99 00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:19,010 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy. 100 00:04:19,646 --> 00:04:23,443 Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever. 101 00:04:23,458 --> 00:04:27,161 Oh. The art program-- best thing ever. 102 00:04:27,275 --> 00:04:29,091 Oh, my God. 103 00:04:29,106 --> 00:04:30,971 This is your best work. 104 00:04:30,985 --> 00:04:34,140 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... 105 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:38,840 Needless to say, this is art. 106 00:04:39,865 --> 00:04:42,181 I can't teach you anything. 107 00:04:45,625 --> 00:04:47,641 But the best part of S.F.-- 108 00:04:47,656 --> 00:04:49,830 Oh, that's what we call San Francisco-- 109 00:04:49,848 --> 00:04:50,972 the people. 110 00:04:50,987 --> 00:04:53,231 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 111 00:04:53,245 --> 00:04:56,593 It was like a human tapestry. 112 00:04:56,718 --> 00:04:58,231 Hi, I'm Mike. 113 00:04:58,245 --> 00:05:01,312 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 114 00:05:01,428 --> 00:05:04,860 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 115 00:05:04,876 --> 00:05:06,192 Yeah. 116 00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:08,000 I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 117 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,230 You are stunning, by the way. 118 00:05:12,526 --> 00:05:15,082 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 119 00:05:15,098 --> 00:05:17,672 Oh, she's such a... 120 00:05:19,306 --> 00:05:22,723 After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, 121 00:05:22,736 --> 00:05:26,480 crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret. 122 00:05:26,498 --> 00:05:28,823 You never chose sides. I respect that. 123 00:05:28,838 --> 00:05:30,581 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 124 00:05:30,595 --> 00:05:32,992 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 125 00:05:33,007 --> 00:05:34,352 Oh. Listen, Marshall. 126 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:38,302 Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting. 127 00:05:41,368 --> 00:05:42,952 Way to go. 128 00:05:45,835 --> 00:05:48,690 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 129 00:05:48,707 --> 00:05:50,160 Second, we have to tell him. 130 00:05:50,177 --> 00:05:53,841 No, we don't. He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. 131 00:05:53,857 --> 00:05:57,111 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel when he hears Lily's moved on? 132 00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:59,471 - She's moved on? - It happens. 133 00:05:59,486 --> 00:06:01,590 I've fallen out of love faster than that before, 134 00:06:01,608 --> 00:06:04,213 sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 135 00:06:04,228 --> 00:06:07,283 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 136 00:06:08,276 --> 00:06:10,471 But we're great. 137 00:06:10,487 --> 00:06:12,192 Honey. 138 00:06:14,756 --> 00:06:17,661 Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. 139 00:06:17,675 --> 00:06:20,212 Lesson two, corollary five. 140 00:06:20,225 --> 00:06:23,590 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive 141 00:06:23,607 --> 00:06:24,960 and she'll be putty in your hands. 142 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,420 Excellent. Have you chosen your entree? 143 00:06:27,437 --> 00:06:30,283 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 144 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,061 Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. 145 00:06:32,078 --> 00:06:33,830 She's walking to the bar. 146 00:06:34,763 --> 00:06:36,679 - Her? Really? - Yeah. 147 00:06:36,686 --> 00:06:39,740 No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. 148 00:06:39,752 --> 00:06:41,457 Okay. Hit it. 149 00:06:45,419 --> 00:06:47,820 What's the matter, four eyes, you got astigmatism or something? 150 00:06:47,837 --> 00:06:49,752 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 151 00:06:49,785 --> 00:06:51,232 but I just got out of a long relationship. 152 00:06:51,268 --> 00:06:53,472 I have no idea what I'm doing. 153 00:06:54,327 --> 00:06:55,323 I'm Marshall. 154 00:06:55,335 --> 00:06:57,601 Hi, Marshall. Amy. 155 00:06:57,615 --> 00:06:59,491 Don't worry. I've been there. 156 00:06:59,507 --> 00:07:00,971 Hold on. 157 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,152 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 158 00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:05,931 Um, Amy. This is my friend, Barney. 159 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,812 Barney, this is Amy. 160 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,690 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you. 161 00:07:09,708 --> 00:07:11,142 Hi. 162 00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:15,490 Amy, do you like... magic? 163 00:07:15,506 --> 00:07:18,410 - I hate you. - I am so sorry. 164 00:07:18,427 --> 00:07:21,563 It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here. 165 00:07:21,577 --> 00:07:22,772 Twice. 166 00:07:22,788 --> 00:07:26,550 Twice in a row, you took my candy. That was my candy. 167 00:07:26,565 --> 00:07:29,690 - I know, but tonight... - No. Forget it. 168 00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:32,181 You're such a jackass. 169 00:07:34,766 --> 00:07:36,993 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 170 00:07:37,878 --> 00:07:40,570 All right, I'm sorry. I will make it up to you. 171 00:07:40,588 --> 00:07:43,521 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU-- 172 00:07:43,535 --> 00:07:45,440 The Scorpion and the Toad. 173 00:07:45,455 --> 00:07:48,771 I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly 174 00:07:48,785 --> 00:07:52,290 and, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 175 00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:58,721 Okay, but no magic. 176 00:08:01,285 --> 00:08:03,010 How did you do that? 177 00:08:03,027 --> 00:08:05,163 I'm taking a leak, dumb ass. 178 00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:10,232 The next day, Robin and I went apartment-hunting with aunt Lily. 179 00:08:10,245 --> 00:08:12,913 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 180 00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:15,170 which was painting, but now I think it's music 181 00:08:15,188 --> 00:08:17,083 or spoken word-- maybe both. 182 00:08:17,095 --> 00:08:19,251 God! Isn't life amazing? 183 00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:21,951 It is so great to see you, Ted. 184 00:08:22,116 --> 00:08:24,930 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 185 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:28,711 What? 186 00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:31,493 She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 187 00:08:31,506 --> 00:08:33,902 Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. I love it! 188 00:08:33,916 --> 00:08:36,092 Um, no. You just want Lily to be miserable. 189 00:08:36,107 --> 00:08:37,382 The truth is, she's happy. 190 00:08:37,396 --> 00:08:39,422 Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. 191 00:08:39,437 --> 00:08:40,681 Trust me. I'm a girl. 192 00:08:40,696 --> 00:08:42,551 Yeah, but you're Canadian. 193 00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:44,871 - Why do you always have to bring that up? - You're our weird neighbors to the north. 194 00:08:44,905 --> 00:08:49,011 - You bring it up every time. - Five bucks says she still wants Marshall. 195 00:08:49,026 --> 00:08:50,301 You're on. 196 00:08:50,315 --> 00:08:51,820 Five American bucks. 197 00:08:51,836 --> 00:08:53,480 Damn it. 198 00:08:53,608 --> 00:08:55,851 Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her. 199 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,770 Tequila. It's her weakness. 200 00:08:57,788 --> 00:09:00,383 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 201 00:09:00,727 --> 00:09:03,623 I hope this is my new home. 202 00:09:05,985 --> 00:09:09,111 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 203 00:09:10,275 --> 00:09:12,291 Marshall Eriksen, suit up! 204 00:09:12,306 --> 00:09:13,052 No way. 205 00:09:13,068 --> 00:09:14,722 Yeah, you're good in that. 206 00:09:14,736 --> 00:09:16,823 - Let's go. - Wait. 207 00:09:16,837 --> 00:09:18,630 Empty your pockets. 208 00:09:19,556 --> 00:09:20,870 Come on. 209 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:28,342 - Come on, let's... - Sleeves. 210 00:09:28,358 --> 00:09:31,382 - There is nothing in my... - Oh, is that right? 211 00:09:38,566 --> 00:09:40,081 Let's go. 212 00:09:40,508 --> 00:09:44,673 - Behind my ear. - There is nothing behind your... 213 00:09:50,207 --> 00:09:52,892 Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's killing me, though. 214 00:09:52,905 --> 00:09:56,292 Oh, tell me about it. I'm third year at Columbia Law, so... 215 00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:59,593 if the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 216 00:10:00,625 --> 00:10:02,052 Yeah. 217 00:10:02,065 --> 00:10:04,051 You must be majoring in chemistry, 218 00:10:04,067 --> 00:10:07,150 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 219 00:10:07,846 --> 00:10:10,433 College lesbian phase. 220 00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:17,951 Listen, I got to go, but it'd be great to see you again. 221 00:10:18,106 --> 00:10:20,273 Yes, it would. 222 00:10:20,505 --> 00:10:22,592 It really would. 223 00:10:23,215 --> 00:10:25,762 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 224 00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:28,632 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 225 00:10:28,856 --> 00:10:30,770 You know, I do have a phone number. 226 00:10:30,788 --> 00:10:32,392 Great. 227 00:10:32,785 --> 00:10:34,512 Nice. 228 00:10:34,627 --> 00:10:36,960 - Hi, I'm Barney. - Oh, no. 229 00:10:36,976 --> 00:10:40,752 Do you... mind giving my friend your phone number? 230 00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,442 Sure. 231 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,763 Whoo! 232 00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:48,592 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 233 00:10:48,605 --> 00:10:51,040 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look. 234 00:10:51,056 --> 00:10:52,673 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinesr food 235 00:10:52,708 --> 00:10:54,192 and then maybe we'll walk through the park. 236 00:10:54,226 --> 00:10:56,511 It'll be so... what? 237 00:10:56,748 --> 00:10:59,722 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 238 00:11:04,457 --> 00:11:06,042 I'll kill you! 239 00:11:06,058 --> 00:11:08,511 And then, I discovered this area, North Beach. 240 00:11:08,528 --> 00:11:10,302 Best beach ever! 241 00:11:10,317 --> 00:11:13,651 Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. 242 00:11:13,665 --> 00:11:15,373 How are you guys doing? 243 00:11:15,387 --> 00:11:17,091 And hey, how's Marshall? 244 00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:18,991 - Give me the card! - I'm not giving you any card. 245 00:11:19,025 --> 00:11:20,441 - I swear...! - You are not getting...! 246 00:11:20,478 --> 00:11:21,722 Terrific. 247 00:11:21,738 --> 00:11:24,632 That is so good to hear. Oh, hold on. 248 00:11:24,647 --> 00:11:27,361 This could be about the apartment. 249 00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,950 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lilly 250 00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:32,270 and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly 251 00:11:32,286 --> 00:11:34,211 and I'm not cleaning that up again. 252 00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:37,332 So, congratulations, you win. 253 00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:39,371 She's happy. 254 00:11:39,387 --> 00:11:41,161 I didn't get it. 255 00:11:41,317 --> 00:11:43,683 That first apartment, I... 256 00:11:43,698 --> 00:11:45,813 I waited too long and... 257 00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:48,282 somebody else got it. 258 00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:53,512 Interesting. 259 00:11:53,826 --> 00:11:55,602 Wow, Lily, you, uh... 260 00:11:55,618 --> 00:11:58,553 seem to be having a pretty strong reaction on losing an apartment. 261 00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,592 I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost 262 00:12:01,605 --> 00:12:03,873 because you couldn't commit. 263 00:12:03,888 --> 00:12:06,701 No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding 264 00:12:06,717 --> 00:12:09,962 and the real hardwood floors. There's no deeper meaning. 265 00:12:09,976 --> 00:12:12,953 Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 266 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:18,952 The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall. 267 00:12:22,426 --> 00:12:23,971 - Stop it! - You don't want to see... 268 00:12:23,985 --> 00:12:25,490 - ..what I'm like when I'm angry. - It's my card! 269 00:12:25,506 --> 00:12:27,041 Stop! Hold on! 270 00:12:27,055 --> 00:12:28,772 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 271 00:12:28,786 --> 00:12:29,923 then no one gets the number. 272 00:12:29,936 --> 00:12:32,761 - No! Stop the cab. - Wha...? 273 00:12:33,885 --> 00:12:37,121 No, wait. Come on. Marshall! 274 00:12:37,136 --> 00:12:39,381 81st and First, please. 275 00:12:42,016 --> 00:12:45,110 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 276 00:12:46,075 --> 00:12:47,563 The thing about a hangover 277 00:12:47,578 --> 00:12:50,012 is that everyone has their own special remedy. 278 00:12:50,026 --> 00:12:51,250 Morning, guys. What can I get you? 279 00:12:51,286 --> 00:12:52,511 Shh! 280 00:12:52,526 --> 00:12:55,572 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 281 00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:57,272 And a milkshake. 282 00:12:57,285 --> 00:12:58,892 For you, sir? 283 00:12:59,628 --> 00:13:01,183 Gravy. 284 00:13:02,307 --> 00:13:04,733 You want that gravy on something? 285 00:13:04,747 --> 00:13:06,511 Surprise me. 286 00:13:06,527 --> 00:13:10,553 I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 287 00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:13,020 Just kidding. I'm good. 288 00:13:14,245 --> 00:13:16,503 What are you so chirpy about? 289 00:13:16,516 --> 00:13:18,571 She's still drunk from last night. 290 00:13:18,586 --> 00:13:20,441 I don't think so. 291 00:13:20,456 --> 00:13:22,641 Whoo! 292 00:13:24,657 --> 00:13:27,063 Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, 293 00:13:27,077 --> 00:13:29,533 how come it took you two days to even ask about him? 294 00:13:29,546 --> 00:13:33,223 I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. 295 00:13:33,236 --> 00:13:34,543 But really... 296 00:13:34,555 --> 00:13:36,350 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 297 00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,352 Come on, say something about Marshall. Where's Marshall? 298 00:13:38,387 --> 00:13:40,043 How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? 299 00:13:40,075 --> 00:13:42,482 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall. 300 00:13:42,518 --> 00:13:44,821 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Marshall, Marshall, 301 00:13:44,838 --> 00:13:47,291 Marshall, Marshall... I've got to ask! 302 00:13:47,307 --> 00:13:49,491 And hey, how's Marshall? 303 00:13:49,505 --> 00:13:51,351 It was such an awful summer. 304 00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:53,870 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 305 00:13:53,887 --> 00:13:56,043 But I thought your summer was great. 306 00:13:56,056 --> 00:13:58,070 Not exactly. 307 00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,471 Oh, my God. 308 00:14:00,517 --> 00:14:03,172 This is you best work? 309 00:14:03,497 --> 00:14:08,160 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless. 310 00:14:08,175 --> 00:14:11,950 To say this is... art... 311 00:14:13,297 --> 00:14:15,573 I can't teach you anything. 312 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:20,810 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 313 00:14:20,825 --> 00:14:22,451 Yeah, um... 314 00:14:22,505 --> 00:14:24,462 Hi. I'm Mike. 315 00:14:24,476 --> 00:14:28,270 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 316 00:14:28,288 --> 00:14:33,012 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 317 00:14:33,027 --> 00:14:39,340 Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. 318 00:14:39,987 --> 00:14:43,002 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 319 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,711 I screwed everything up. 320 00:14:44,726 --> 00:14:47,790 I have no job, no place to live. 321 00:14:47,816 --> 00:14:50,842 I lost the love of my life. 322 00:14:51,077 --> 00:14:54,333 I know I have no right to ask this, but... 323 00:14:54,345 --> 00:14:56,813 do you think Marshall would take me back? 324 00:14:56,825 --> 00:14:58,173 In a heartbeat. 325 00:14:58,187 --> 00:15:01,852 If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms. 326 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:04,941 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 327 00:15:04,956 --> 00:15:06,411 Maybe. 328 00:15:06,788 --> 00:15:09,453 No! This is... Ow! 329 00:15:10,597 --> 00:15:11,790 Hold on. 330 00:15:11,805 --> 00:15:14,212 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 331 00:15:14,226 --> 00:15:15,361 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 332 00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:17,500 "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 333 00:15:17,515 --> 00:15:19,311 This breakup almost killed him. 334 00:15:19,407 --> 00:15:21,673 And he cannot go through it again. 335 00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:26,702 So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him. 336 00:15:30,227 --> 00:15:32,853 This guy likes pennies. 337 00:15:35,765 --> 00:15:36,673 Hi, Marshall. 338 00:15:36,687 --> 00:15:38,842 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 339 00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:44,062 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back is in a moral gray area. 340 00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:47,490 But the great news is, she loved you. 341 00:15:47,506 --> 00:15:49,723 If things had gone your way-- you'd gone out a couple times, 342 00:15:49,755 --> 00:15:52,033 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 343 00:15:52,046 --> 00:15:54,591 There's no "would" in sex. 344 00:15:56,295 --> 00:15:59,792 You're right, I totally... I'm just no good at this, Barney. 345 00:15:59,806 --> 00:16:02,931 I'm good at being in a couple, I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. 346 00:16:02,946 --> 00:16:05,013 Being single-- forget it. 347 00:16:05,027 --> 00:16:06,573 Come on, you can't give up now. 348 00:16:06,588 --> 00:16:08,841 What if I told you that you could relive that night 349 00:16:08,856 --> 00:16:11,661 with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes 350 00:16:11,675 --> 00:16:15,060 only this time, you get her and I don't. 351 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,233 That's not possible. 352 00:16:16,247 --> 00:16:17,691 Oh, but it is. 353 00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:19,351 She has... 354 00:16:19,366 --> 00:16:20,972 wait for it... 355 00:16:20,986 --> 00:16:22,613 here it comes... 356 00:16:22,627 --> 00:16:24,221 almost there... 357 00:16:24,235 --> 00:16:26,192 an identical twin. 358 00:16:26,207 --> 00:16:27,763 Yes! 359 00:16:27,975 --> 00:16:29,933 A twin isn't the same person. 360 00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:32,250 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 361 00:16:32,265 --> 00:16:35,321 "Ident"-- same, "ical"-- person. Same person. 362 00:16:35,735 --> 00:16:38,092 Hey, we could double date. 363 00:16:39,316 --> 00:16:40,651 Fine. 364 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,811 But you have to promise me, you're not going to steal my new twin, 365 00:16:43,825 --> 00:16:48,192 and leave me with your old, used-up twin. 366 00:16:48,266 --> 00:16:49,900 Used-up? 367 00:16:49,915 --> 00:16:52,703 They're a human being, Marshall. 368 00:16:54,266 --> 00:16:56,603 So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out 369 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,970 on a double date with the twins. 370 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,070 How you doing? 371 00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:03,871 Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. 372 00:17:03,885 --> 00:17:05,603 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 373 00:17:05,635 --> 00:17:07,292 You are, you definitely are. 374 00:17:07,307 --> 00:17:09,450 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 375 00:17:09,468 --> 00:17:11,291 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 376 00:17:11,306 --> 00:17:14,290 I'm going home with both of them. 377 00:17:14,305 --> 00:17:17,510 Yeah. That's happening. 378 00:17:17,855 --> 00:17:20,682 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 379 00:17:20,697 --> 00:17:23,142 But they're twins. 380 00:17:23,156 --> 00:17:25,413 You-- you said to me that being single 381 00:17:25,426 --> 00:17:27,121 would be like being in a candy store. 382 00:17:27,135 --> 00:17:28,990 Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store. 383 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:32,102 It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland. 384 00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:34,082 - I may be your best friend... - Actually Ted's my best friend. 385 00:17:34,115 --> 00:17:37,830 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 386 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:39,872 That's what being single is. 387 00:17:39,885 --> 00:17:41,841 And after nine years in captivity, 388 00:17:41,858 --> 00:17:43,943 that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 389 00:17:43,955 --> 00:17:46,053 about surviving in the wild. 390 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,862 Now, if you'll excuse me... 391 00:17:47,877 --> 00:17:49,951 I have two unique breasts 392 00:17:49,966 --> 00:17:52,893 and two duplicates waiting for me. 393 00:17:57,125 --> 00:17:59,803 Oh, bad news-- Marshall got food poisoning. 394 00:17:59,815 --> 00:18:00,910 - What? - Oh, no. 395 00:18:00,925 --> 00:18:03,053 That's too bad. I really liked him. 396 00:18:03,066 --> 00:18:07,360 Yeah. Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 397 00:18:17,745 --> 00:18:20,702 Lily, what are you doing here? 398 00:18:20,717 --> 00:18:23,982 Oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 399 00:18:24,017 --> 00:18:26,800 Oh, you mean New York? My program ended. 400 00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:29,662 It was just great. Just lots of fun... 401 00:18:29,678 --> 00:18:32,821 It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. 402 00:18:32,835 --> 00:18:36,223 I'm so sorry, Marshall, and... hello. 403 00:18:38,506 --> 00:18:41,483 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 404 00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:44,210 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 405 00:18:44,228 --> 00:18:47,240 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 406 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:51,130 Can we please get back together? 407 00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:55,390 All that crap you said to me about, 408 00:18:55,408 --> 00:18:58,813 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 409 00:18:58,827 --> 00:19:01,763 and we need to learn to do things on our own," 410 00:19:02,635 --> 00:19:04,851 it broke my heart. 411 00:19:06,298 --> 00:19:08,870 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 412 00:19:10,736 --> 00:19:13,823 Can we please get back together? 413 00:19:15,178 --> 00:19:17,153 Lily, you were right. 414 00:19:18,707 --> 00:19:21,090 All that crap was right. 415 00:19:22,568 --> 00:19:24,491 So, no. 416 00:19:24,935 --> 00:19:27,172 No, we can't get back together. 417 00:19:27,186 --> 00:19:28,920 We shouldn't. 418 00:19:29,116 --> 00:19:31,263 At least, not right now. 419 00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:35,300 Wow. 420 00:19:35,598 --> 00:19:37,280 Okay. 421 00:19:38,566 --> 00:19:40,300 Yeah. 422 00:19:41,957 --> 00:19:43,412 Well... 423 00:19:45,406 --> 00:19:48,002 Will we still see each other? 424 00:19:48,476 --> 00:19:50,570 Yeah, yeah. 425 00:19:50,588 --> 00:19:52,271 I think so. 426 00:19:53,797 --> 00:19:55,520 I don't know. 427 00:19:56,725 --> 00:19:59,000 This is all really new to me. 428 00:20:00,418 --> 00:20:03,220 I just got out of a long relationship. 429 00:20:07,487 --> 00:20:09,130 I like your hair. 430 00:20:09,388 --> 00:20:11,190 Thanks. 431 00:20:11,366 --> 00:20:15,130 I figured new city, a different color... 432 00:20:15,146 --> 00:20:17,073 d ...Wide open road d 433 00:20:17,118 --> 00:20:20,450 d It was love to us d 434 00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:23,552 d It was all that we had... d 435 00:20:24,206 --> 00:20:27,702 And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. 436 00:20:27,716 --> 00:20:31,013 I'm so glad to be back in New York. 437 00:20:32,545 --> 00:20:36,150 Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin 438 00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:38,733 to make things up to you... 439 00:20:41,318 --> 00:20:43,843 Actually there may be something that you can do for me, 440 00:20:43,855 --> 00:20:47,340 but you can never ever ask me why. 441 00:20:47,358 --> 00:20:50,561 So then I was promoted to assistant m�nage-er... 442 00:20:50,577 --> 00:20:53,631 Manager-- why do I keep doing that? 443 00:20:55,137 --> 00:20:58,710 - Lily? - You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 444 00:21:03,205 --> 00:21:06,482 So where was I? Ah, yes, assistant m�nage-er... 445 00:21:06,496 --> 00:21:09,541 I did it again. I can't believe it. 446 00:21:10,427 --> 00:21:15,620 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. You slime! 447 00:21:17,747 --> 00:21:20,220 Wha... wait, I know magic. 448 00:21:23,758 --> 00:21:26,211 Well played, Eriksen. 449 00:21:26,226 --> 00:21:28,741 Well played. 32940

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