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Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching,
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I learned something valuable.
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That love is not a science.
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Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
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We're going to go watch TV.
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You see, sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained.
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And that's kind of scary.
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Oh, my God.
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I know, I'm still shaking.
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What the...?
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Joke's on you, I have a cold.
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Are you guys okay?
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Another round, and back it up for me and Lily!
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What happened?
15
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We saw something up in the apartment.
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Something bad.
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I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy.
18
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Oh, muchos sexy.
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Yo quiero, Marshall.
20
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Oh, my God.
21
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What was it?
22
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Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen.
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Mouse?
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Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
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That was a huge cockroach.
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Baby, it was a mouse.
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It had whiskers.
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But those things coming out of its head, those were antennae.
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Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
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It was a mouse.
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Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.
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Oh, my story is on. Ted, pay attention.
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Carl, turn it up.
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I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker.
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Ellen, your company, Love Solutions, boasts 100% success rate.
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What's your secret?
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Science.
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Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.
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All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm,
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and presto manifesto, you have a soul mate, and it works!
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Just ask all of my happy couples.
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And these are just the attractive ones.
43
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I have more photos in the bathroom.
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Love Solutions, Ellen Pierce.
45
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A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn.
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Robin Scherbotsky...
47
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Was that chick at the end really a client?
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Yes.
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We're signing up.
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What?
51
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Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.
52
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That's a perfect cocktail.
53
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Shake well, then sleep with.
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I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up.
55
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It's the man version of getting a cat.
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No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur, and only mammals have fur.
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It was a cockroach.
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Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach
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is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
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Oh, my God.
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Come on.
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Ted! Hurry! You've got to help me.
63
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- My boat is sinking!
- What?
64
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- My boat is sinking!
- You have a boat?
65
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Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.
66
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I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle.
67
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If I don't get down there right now, it's going to capsize. Now come on!
68
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Your boat is sinking. That was good.
69
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Come on, Ted. This is an incredible opportunity.
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We'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again.
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All finished, gentlemen?
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Congratulations.
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You have just taken your very first step.
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Gosh, thanks, Ellen.
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I sure hope this works.
76
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I'm so done with the single life-- all the games, the meaningless sex.
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You deserve more.
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That is so true, Ellen.
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I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we.
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Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
81
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Ah, of course you can. That is so... Oh.
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Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but
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I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night...
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when the tears come.
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Ellen, can you help me find her?
86
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Get out.
87
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What?
88
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I get 15 guys like you every week.
89
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Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call 'em again.
90
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Oh, my God, people do that?
91
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Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
92
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What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
93
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No, that's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.
94
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Okay, Ted, let's go.
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Not you. You stay.
96
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You're cute.
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You're an architect.
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Good career, and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application,
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like your friend Jack Package.
100
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- It's pronounced pa-codge.
- Get out of here!
101
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You, I can work with. You give me three days,
102
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and I will find the woman you will marry.
103
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Uh, no thanks.
104
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I don't need an algorithm to meet women.
105
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It's New York City, you know-- plenty of fish in the sea.
106
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Plenty of fish in the sea.
107
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Yes, there's nine million people in New York, 4.5 million women.
108
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Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age.
109
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Let's say, plus, minus, five years.
110
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So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000.
111
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But, uh, wait... 48% of those are already in relationships,
112
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and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility,
113
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and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives,
114
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and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.
115
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And then that leaves us with eight women.
116
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That can't be right. Eight?
117
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Really? Eight?
118
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There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted.
119
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And if you feel confident that you could reel one in to your boat without me,
120
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there's the door.
121
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Do you take credit cards?
122
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Okay, it's back. And this time we got a good look.
123
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Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that.
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It's bigger now.
125
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It's been feeding.
126
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We were just upstairs watching TV.
127
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Oh, gosh.
128
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Okay, let's do this.
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Shh, shh, shh.
130
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It's okay.
131
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It's over.
132
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Oh, God!
133
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So did you get a good look at it?
134
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Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.
135
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But it had mouse-like characteristics.
136
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Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
137
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So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
138
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It's a cock-a-mouse.
139
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What?
140
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It's some sort of mutant combination of the two.
141
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It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
142
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Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
143
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That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
144
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- Oh, but it can.
- And it has.
145
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Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.
146
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There was no time.
147
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So, Love Solutions?
148
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Did you meet the love of your life?
149
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She said it'd take three days. It's been five days.
150
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Should I be worried?
151
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Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
152
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Did you just use my name as a verb?
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Oh, yeah. We do that behind your back.
154
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"Ted out," to overthink.
155
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Also see "Ted up."
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"Ted up"-- to overthink something with disastrous results.
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Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...
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Okay, I get it.
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Don't worry. I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out.
160
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I should give it a few more days.
161
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Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.
162
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Ted, hi. I, uh, meant to call you.
163
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The computer is still crunching the numbers.
164
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Busy as a bee, that little computer.
165
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You said it was going to be three days.
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Did I?
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Three days? Really?
168
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Yeah, and when someone says you're going to meet the perfect woman in three days,
169
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you kind of put that in your date book, so...
170
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How do I say this? This is going to be really hard.
171
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Ted... there are absolutely no women out there for you.
172
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Phew, actually, I got through that okay.
173
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There're no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.
174
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I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are.
175
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But... I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute.
176
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I'm a cute architect.
177
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How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate.
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That's my hook.
179
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I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.
180
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Well, I'm not.
181
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- A little bi maybe?
- No!
182
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You're messing with me, right?
183
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Come see for yourself.
184
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I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher.
185
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And look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.
186
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There's a 9.6 right there.
187
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Don't touch the computer.
188
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Yes, Sarah O'Brien.
189
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I fixed her up six months ago. She would have been absolutely perfect for you.
190
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Well, what about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?
191
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8.5.
192
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So he sucks.
193
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No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
194
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Oh, sure, it's good.
195
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It's solid, but a 9.6?
196
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9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up.
197
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Ted, look, I have a lunch.
198
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Please, I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope.
199
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There are new women turning 18 every day.
200
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It's a whole new species-- the cock-a-mouse.
201
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And it's the size of a potato.
202
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So what, now it's a cock-a-potato-mouse?
203
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Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cock-a-mouse.
204
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My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person.
205
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Sarah O'Brien loves brunch, she wants to have two children.
206
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Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts.
207
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Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman.
208
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And like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.
209
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Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
210
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For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse,
211
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there's still so much we don't know.
212
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Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cock-a-mouse.
213
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So you really don't believe in the cock-a-mouse?
214
00:11:03,278 --> 00:11:05,762
Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal,
215
00:11:05,848 --> 00:11:08,220
but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know?
216
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Like the Loch Ness Monster.
217
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:17,710
If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean totally exists and is awesome,
218
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then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster.
219
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Its diet is not unlike our own-- grains, cereals-- and it's awfully fond of cheese.
220
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Okay, this is getting weird. The similarities go on and on.
221
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She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies, too.
222
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She's a dermatologist. I have skin.
223
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You want to be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend, it's uncanny.
224
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All right.
225
00:11:41,497 --> 00:11:43,101
But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right?
226
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See what my 9.6 looks like in person?
227
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As, you know, a frame of reference.
228
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And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?
229
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That's right. I did the math.
230
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Hi.
231
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Hi. I'm Dr. O'Brien.
232
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I'm Architect Mosby.
233
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Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too.
234
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Hi, I'm Ted.
235
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Hi. So what are we doing today?
236
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Right, I, uh, I have a kind of mole on my back.
237
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It's probably nothing, but I'm a cautious guy.
238
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I'm exactly the same.
239
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Summer breeze makes me feel fine
240
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Blowing through the jasmine in my mind
241
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Sorry about that.
242
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"Summer Breeze" is my guilty pleasure song.
243
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It's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend...
244
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at brunch.
245
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I love brunch.
246
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It's the best.
247
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As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
248
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I like the way you think, Architect Mosby.
249
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Hey, this may sound weird, but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off.
250
00:12:54,606 --> 00:12:56,182
So I'm going to ask you now.
251
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,813
Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?
252
00:12:59,638 --> 00:13:04,332
That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
253
00:13:05,838 --> 00:13:07,021
Friday night?
254
00:13:09,906 --> 00:13:12,762
Wow. You're getting married. Congratulations.
255
00:13:12,855 --> 00:13:13,843
Thank you.
256
00:13:13,945 --> 00:13:16,531
I'm really sorry I asked you out, it just felt like
257
00:13:16,605 --> 00:13:18,223
there could be this weird connection between us.
258
00:13:18,318 --> 00:13:19,853
How crazy am I coming off here?
259
00:13:19,948 --> 00:13:21,261
Only a little.
260
00:13:21,698 --> 00:13:25,982
Well... if by some million-to-one long shot and I'm not rooting for this--
261
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:28,943
you wind up not getting married this weekend,
262
00:13:29,296 --> 00:13:30,610
give me a call.
263
00:13:30,735 --> 00:13:31,733
Okay.
264
00:13:31,857 --> 00:13:34,963
But it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress.
265
00:13:35,468 --> 00:13:36,882
I'm sure you do.
266
00:13:41,015 --> 00:13:44,233
Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap.
267
00:13:44,337 --> 00:13:46,671
You think the roadrunner's going to fall for it?
268
00:13:46,786 --> 00:13:48,510
Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.
269
00:13:48,617 --> 00:13:50,661
But Marshall and I, we're believers.
270
00:13:50,755 --> 00:13:51,780
We believe.
271
00:13:51,885 --> 00:13:55,152
Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome.
272
00:13:55,255 --> 00:13:58,463
You've got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot.
273
00:13:58,556 --> 00:14:01,890
Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
274
00:14:01,988 --> 00:14:03,290
Aliens.
275
00:14:03,588 --> 00:14:06,150
Oh, come on, you've got to give me aliens.
276
00:14:06,248 --> 00:14:10,360
Stonehenge, Area 51, there's alien crap all over the place.
277
00:14:10,615 --> 00:14:12,313
You can't be serious.
278
00:14:12,487 --> 00:14:14,883
My friend, you just poked the bear.
279
00:14:16,937 --> 00:14:22,933
So my 9.6-- beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.
280
00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:25,443
Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry.
281
00:14:25,527 --> 00:14:26,903
Yeah, it was a long shot.
282
00:14:26,995 --> 00:14:29,763
I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know.
283
00:14:29,857 --> 00:14:32,693
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this.
284
00:14:33,086 --> 00:14:37,353
Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.
285
00:14:40,908 --> 00:14:43,080
Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
286
00:14:43,506 --> 00:14:50,403
"On the night of July 2, 1947, conditions we clear over Roswell, New Mexico..."
287
00:14:50,438 --> 00:14:51,570
Oh, geez.
288
00:14:51,676 --> 00:14:53,730
Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you.
289
00:14:53,815 --> 00:14:54,751
Dr. O'Brien.
290
00:14:54,857 --> 00:14:55,961
What?
291
00:14:56,078 --> 00:14:58,473
"When suddenly an array of..."
292
00:14:59,588 --> 00:15:01,831
Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien.
293
00:15:01,925 --> 00:15:04,880
About today, listen, I really need to talk to you.
294
00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:07,101
Call me. I'll be at the office all day.
295
00:15:07,785 --> 00:15:09,970
The doctor will see you now.
296
00:15:13,316 --> 00:15:15,251
What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?
297
00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:19,151
Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
298
00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:21,621
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.
299
00:15:21,706 --> 00:15:25,220
Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it,
300
00:15:25,308 --> 00:15:28,860
I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.
301
00:15:28,968 --> 00:15:31,470
In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending.
302
00:15:33,918 --> 00:15:35,091
Look, I have to go down there.
303
00:15:35,188 --> 00:15:37,750
I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but I've got to give it a shot.
304
00:15:38,108 --> 00:15:40,503
All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
305
00:15:40,626 --> 00:15:43,872
Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse?
306
00:15:43,955 --> 00:15:46,371
Yeah, we're going to go make some crop circles.
307
00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:52,041
Oh, my God!
308
00:15:52,146 --> 00:15:54,283
Holy crap buckets. We got it.
309
00:15:54,435 --> 00:15:55,671
What do we do with it?
310
00:15:55,777 --> 00:15:57,621
Calm down. I have a plan.
311
00:15:57,728 --> 00:16:01,722
I told my friend Sadip about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department.
312
00:16:01,815 --> 00:16:03,433
But it has to be alive.
313
00:16:03,518 --> 00:16:04,751
Wait, no, no!
314
00:16:04,848 --> 00:16:08,550
They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean.
315
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,283
Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?
316
00:16:16,258 --> 00:16:17,373
Hello again.
317
00:16:18,828 --> 00:16:23,772
I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
318
00:16:23,867 --> 00:16:27,001
Go ahead, Sarah. You can tell me anything.
319
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:30,202
You have a basal cell carcinoma.
320
00:16:30,727 --> 00:16:32,521
Anything else?
321
00:16:34,016 --> 00:16:36,970
Your mole. The biopsy came back.
322
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:40,922
It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.
323
00:16:41,017 --> 00:16:43,081
Wait, then you're still getting married?
324
00:16:43,188 --> 00:16:44,792
Of course I'm still getting married.
325
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,860
But we're a 9.6.
326
00:16:46,947 --> 00:16:48,471
Excuse me?
327
00:16:48,615 --> 00:16:53,170
Okay. I went to Love Solutions, and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer,
328
00:16:53,256 --> 00:16:54,862
that you and I are a 9.6.
329
00:16:54,956 --> 00:16:56,833
Your fianc� is only an 8.5.
330
00:16:56,948 --> 00:16:58,390
You looked at my file?
331
00:16:58,497 --> 00:17:00,910
I had to. You're my only match.
332
00:17:01,008 --> 00:17:02,190
Aren't you even a little curious?
333
00:17:02,277 --> 00:17:05,123
The woman who set you up with your fianc�, thinks we're a better match.
334
00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:08,503
I am getting married on Saturday.
335
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,573
Summer breeze...
336
00:17:12,885 --> 00:17:13,692
Ted.
337
00:17:13,797 --> 00:17:15,732
Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive
338
00:17:15,818 --> 00:17:17,611
marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
339
00:17:17,685 --> 00:17:19,302
Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you
340
00:17:19,387 --> 00:17:22,460
to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
341
00:17:22,565 --> 00:17:24,910
See? We're both impulsive.
342
00:17:24,997 --> 00:17:26,251
We're perfect for each other.
343
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:27,621
Ted, just calm down.
344
00:17:27,708 --> 00:17:29,991
Calm down?! You're my only match.
345
00:17:30,096 --> 00:17:35,103
God, there was a computer and there were eight fish in a sea full of lesbians and...
346
00:17:35,116 --> 00:17:36,473
Okay, Ted, Ted.
347
00:17:37,696 --> 00:17:41,923
Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you
348
00:17:42,015 --> 00:17:44,590
just because some computer says so?
349
00:17:46,328 --> 00:17:51,323
I didn't used to. But there was math, I got confused.
350
00:17:51,898 --> 00:17:56,083
Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling.
351
00:17:56,205 --> 00:18:01,022
When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect ten.
352
00:18:02,507 --> 00:18:03,590
You're right.
353
00:18:04,525 --> 00:18:08,662
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
354
00:18:08,998 --> 00:18:10,603
Brace yourself, dude.
355
00:18:10,736 --> 00:18:13,063
This is going to blow your mind hole.
356
00:18:15,315 --> 00:18:17,932
I actually got excited about this.
357
00:18:18,028 --> 00:18:19,013
What?
358
00:18:19,196 --> 00:18:20,770
It's empty.
359
00:18:22,366 --> 00:18:25,521
Wait, but if it's not here, that means...
360
00:18:26,425 --> 00:18:27,542
Lily.
361
00:18:28,837 --> 00:18:29,861
Robin!
362
00:18:29,948 --> 00:18:30,860
What?
363
00:18:34,177 --> 00:18:35,313
Oh, my God.
364
00:18:35,376 --> 00:18:36,173
It's real.
365
00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:37,621
No, is it?
366
00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:39,252
Do something.
367
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,631
What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?
368
00:18:46,655 --> 00:18:48,521
It was the only thing I could think of.
369
00:18:49,106 --> 00:18:50,742
Lily! Thank God.
370
00:18:54,055 --> 00:18:55,540
Lily, I love you.
371
00:18:56,627 --> 00:18:58,071
Robin, open up the window!
372
00:19:02,377 --> 00:19:04,812
Open the window! Ah!
373
00:19:07,486 --> 00:19:09,201
It can fly.
374
00:19:10,487 --> 00:19:12,031
Wow.
375
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,150
Be free, mutant beast.
376
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:17,593
I'll miss this private war of ours.
377
00:19:17,726 --> 00:19:22,352
I grew to admire your tenacious... Holy mother of God, it's headed this way!
378
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:32,483
Hi, Ellen.
379
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,411
I think I want my money back.
380
00:19:38,008 --> 00:19:39,270
I'm a failure.
381
00:19:39,657 --> 00:19:42,241
I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted.
382
00:19:42,457 --> 00:19:46,230
I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program.
383
00:19:46,568 --> 00:19:50,543
Last night I stood out on the street for five hours
384
00:19:50,637 --> 00:19:53,763
showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers.
385
00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:57,751
Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price
386
00:19:57,856 --> 00:20:02,523
because you kind of look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything.
387
00:20:03,955 --> 00:20:07,363
Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, isn't that a bit clich�?
388
00:20:07,455 --> 00:20:08,882
It's for the bourbon.
389
00:20:10,327 --> 00:20:12,772
This isn't hopeless. You're going to find someone for me.
390
00:20:12,877 --> 00:20:14,710
No, I won't.
391
00:20:14,808 --> 00:20:16,672
You're going to die alone.
392
00:20:16,976 --> 00:20:19,083
I'm not going to die alone.
393
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,422
Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive.
394
00:20:21,518 --> 00:20:23,283
You just got to get back out there and keep looking.
395
00:20:23,377 --> 00:20:25,180
No, you're never going to find anybody.
396
00:20:25,278 --> 00:20:28,873
And every year you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder.
397
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:31,642
You're being ridiculous. I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days.
398
00:20:31,707 --> 00:20:34,440
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!
399
00:20:34,546 --> 00:20:35,673
How do you know?
400
00:20:35,806 --> 00:20:38,783
I don't know, but I believe.
401
00:20:38,888 --> 00:20:43,603
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then, damn it, so can I.
402
00:20:44,206 --> 00:20:45,550
You're losing me.
403
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:48,902
The point is, something good's going to happen to me.
404
00:20:48,985 --> 00:20:52,910
Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen.
405
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:56,563
So I should keep looking?
406
00:20:56,666 --> 00:20:58,503
Of course you should.
407
00:20:58,837 --> 00:21:02,620
And now, you're going to do it for free.
408
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,683
Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com:14:38,233
So my 9.6-- beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.
409
00:14:18,327 --> 00:14:20,443
Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry.
410
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,903
Yeah, it was a long shot.
411
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,763
I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know.
412
00:14:24,857 --> 00:14:27,693
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this.
413
00:14:28,086 --> 00:14:32,353
Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.
414
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:38,080
Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
415
00:14:38,506 --> 00:14:45,403
"On the night of July 2, 1947, conditions we clear over Roswell, New Mexico..."
416
00:14:45,438 --> 00:14:46,570
Oh, geez.
417
00:14:46,676 --> 00:14:48,730
Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you.
418
00:14:48,815 --> 00:14:49,751
Dr. O'Brien.
419
00:14:49,857 --> 00:14:50,961
What?
420
00:14:51,078 --> 00:14:53,473
"When suddenly an array of..."
421
00:14:54,588 --> 00:14:56,831
Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien.
422
00:14:56,925 --> 00:14:59,880
About today, listen, I really need to talk to you.
423
00:14:59,977 --> 00:15:02,101
Call me. I'll be at the office all day.
424
00:15:02,785 --> 00:15:04,970
The doctor will see you now.
425
00:15:10,816 --> 00:15:12,751
What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?
426
00:15:12,827 --> 00:15:16,651
Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
427
00:15:16,777 --> 00:15:19,121
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.
428
00:15:19,206 --> 00:15:22,720
Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it,
429
00:15:22,808 --> 00:15:26,360
I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.
430
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:29,970
In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending.
431
00:15:30,118 --> 00:15:31,431
Happy ending.
432
00:15:32,418 --> 00:15:33,591
Look, I have to go down there.
433
00:15:33,688 --> 00:15:36,250
I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but I've got to give it a shot.
434
00:15:36,608 --> 00:15:39,003
All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
435
00:15:39,126 --> 00:15:42,372
Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse?
436
00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:44,871
Yeah, we're going to go make some crop circles.
437
00:15:49,377 --> 00:15:50,541
Oh, my God!
438
00:15:50,646 --> 00:15:52,783
Holy crap buckets. We got it.
439
00:15:52,935 --> 00:15:54,171
What do we do with it?
440
00:15:54,277 --> 00:15:56,121
Calm down. I have a plan.
441
00:15:56,228 --> 00:16:00,222
I told my friend Sadip about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department.
442
00:16:00,315 --> 00:16:01,933
But it has to be alive.
443
00:16:02,018 --> 00:16:03,251
Wait, no, no!
444
00:16:03,348 --> 00:16:07,050
They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean.
445
00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:09,783
Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?
446
00:16:14,758 --> 00:16:15,873
Hello again.
447
00:16:17,328 --> 00:16:22,272
I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
448
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:25,501
Go ahead, Sarah. You can tell me anything.
449
00:16:25,626 --> 00:16:28,702
You have a basal cell carcinoma.
450
00:16:29,227 --> 00:16:31,021
Anything else?
451
00:16:32,516 --> 00:16:35,470
Your mole. The biopsy came back.
452
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:39,422
It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.
453
00:16:39,517 --> 00:16:41,581
Wait, then you're still getting married?
454
00:16:41,688 --> 00:16:43,292
Of course I'm still getting married.
455
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,360
But we're a 9.6.
456
00:16:45,447 --> 00:16:46,971
Excuse me?
457
00:16:47,115 --> 00:16:51,670
Okay. I went to Love Solutions, and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer,
458
00:16:51,756 --> 00:16:53,362
that you and I are a 9.6.
459
00:16:53,456 --> 00:16:55,333
Your fianc� is only an 8.5.
460
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,890
You looked at my file?
461
00:16:56,997 --> 00:16:59,410
I had to. You're my only match.
462
00:16:59,508 --> 00:17:00,690
Aren't you even a little curious?
463
00:17:00,777 --> 00:17:03,623
The woman who set you up with your fianc�, thinks we're a better match.
464
00:17:03,707 --> 00:17:07,003
I am getting married on Saturday.
465
00:17:08,996 --> 00:17:11,073
Summer breeze...
466
00:17:11,385 --> 00:17:12,192
Ted.
467
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:14,232
Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive
468
00:17:14,318 --> 00:17:16,111
marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
469
00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:17,802
Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you
470
00:17:17,887 --> 00:17:20,960
to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
471
00:17:21,065 --> 00:17:23,410
See? We're both impulsive.
472
00:17:23,497 --> 00:17:24,751
We're perfect for each other.
473
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,121
Ted, just calm down.
474
00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:28,491
Calm down?! You're my only match.
475
00:17:28,596 --> 00:17:33,603
God, there was a computer and there were eight fish in a sea full of lesbians and...
476
00:17:33,616 --> 00:17:34,973
Okay, Ted, Ted.
477
00:17:36,196 --> 00:17:40,423
Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you
478
00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:43,090
just because some computer says so?
479
00:17:44,828 --> 00:17:49,823
I didn't used to. But there was math, I got confused.
480
00:17:50,398 --> 00:17:54,583
Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling.
481
00:17:54,705 --> 00:17:59,522
When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect ten.
482
00:18:01,007 --> 00:18:02,090
You're right.
483
00:18:03,025 --> 00:18:07,162
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
484
00:18:07,498 --> 00:18:09,103
Brace yourself, dude.
485
00:18:09,236 --> 00:18:11,563
This is going to blow your mind hole.
486
00:18:13,815 --> 00:18:16,432
I actually got excited about this.
487
00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:17,413
What?
488
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:18,770
It's empty.
489
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:24,021
Wait, but if it's not here, that means...
490
00:18:24,925 --> 00:18:26,042
Lily.
491
00:18:27,337 --> 00:18:28,361
Robin!
492
00:18:28,448 --> 00:18:29,360
What?
493
00:18:32,677 --> 00:18:33,813
Oh, my God.
494
00:18:33,876 --> 00:18:34,673
It's real.
495
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,121
No, is it?
496
00:18:36,206 --> 00:18:37,752
Do something.
497
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:45,131
What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?
498
00:18:45,155 --> 00:18:47,021
It was the only thing I could think of.
499
00:18:47,606 --> 00:18:49,242
Lily! Thank God.
500
00:18:52,555 --> 00:18:54,040
Lily, I love you.
501
00:18:55,127 --> 00:18:56,571
Robin, open up the window!
502
00:19:00,877 --> 00:19:03,312
Open the window! Ah!
503
00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:07,701
It can fly.
504
00:19:08,987 --> 00:19:10,531
Wow.
505
00:19:11,485 --> 00:19:13,650
Be free, mutant beast.
506
00:19:13,915 --> 00:19:16,093
I'll miss this private war of ours.
507
00:19:16,226 --> 00:19:20,852
I grew to admire your tenacious... Holy mother of God, it's headed this way!
508
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:30,983
Hi, Ellen.
509
00:19:33,258 --> 00:19:34,911
I think I want my money back.
510
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:37,770
I'm a failure.
511
00:19:38,157 --> 00:19:40,741
I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted.
512
00:19:40,957 --> 00:19:44,730
I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program.
513
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:49,043
Last night I stood out on the street for five hours
514
00:19:49,137 --> 00:19:52,263
showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers.
515
00:19:59,455 --> 00:20:02,863
Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, isn't that a bit clich�?
516
00:20:02,955 --> 00:20:04,382
It's for the bourbon.
517
00:20:05,827 --> 00:20:08,272
This isn't hopeless. You're going to find someone for me.
518
00:20:08,377 --> 00:20:10,210
No, I won't.
519
00:20:10,308 --> 00:20:12,172
You're going to die alone.
520
00:20:12,476 --> 00:20:14,583
I'm not going to die alone.
521
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:16,922
Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive.
522
00:20:17,018 --> 00:20:18,783
You just got to get back out there and keep looking.
40398
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