All language subtitles for Kick Ass.2.2013

MINDY: A handgun bullet travels
at more than 700 miles per hour.

Hey, whoa. Absolutely not. No.

Mmm-mmm.

Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.

Okay. Good,
I don't wanna do it.

Fine.

(GROANS)

Goddamn! I'm alive. (CHUCKLING)

Oh!

Oh, that's amazing!
(WHOOPS)

I know, right. So...

Hmm.

Ready to go again?

Absolutely not.

(EXHALES)

Fine.

Don't just say "fine" and
then shoot me in the chest.

'Cause it's not cool.
(GUN COCKS)

Like at all.

Okay. Jeez.

(SCREAMS)

DAVE: I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) It turns out
somebody had. Mindy Macready.

After her dad died, his
old partner on the force,

Marcus,
became her guardian.

GIRL: Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.

Thanks.

Steal it from a six year old?
(GIRLS GIGGLING)

DAVE: Marcus dropped
her off every day.

But as soon as he
was gone, so was she.

(BEEPING)

No one at school found out because
she hacked into the server

and gave herself the award
for perfect attendance.

Hit Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.

Mindy was gonna
keep wearing the mask

as long as there were
criminals to take down.

(GRUNTING)

But no matter how many
drug dealers she stopped,

she couldn't stop
feeling alone.

Me? I'd given up
being a superhero

because it was
way too dangerous.

Only problem,
I was dying of boredom.

Like most
high school seniors,

I had no idea what I
wanted to do with my life.

Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.

It's just TV, Dave, not
peace in the Middle East.

My best friends
Todd and Marty

had no clue I was the first
superhero to go public.

You guys watch
Spider-Man last night?

Is it weird that Aunt
May gets me kinda hard?

Not if you're
a granny-slammer.

FEMALE REPORTER: They may wear
costumes, but it isn't Halloween.

They're real
life superheroes,

and in the two years since
the first ordinary citizens

donned capes and masks,

the movement has
started to spread.

I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.

MR. RADICAL: Yeah, you just
come home from work,

you grab your gear
and you go out on patrol.

Help us make
the streets safe.

DAVE: I inspired all those
people to get off their asses,

and now
I was stuck on mine.

So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my old costume out.

Sorry. Whoa! Can't you knock?

You know, buddy, it's perfectly
normal for you to touch yourself...

Oh, Jesus, Dad.
Get out!

DAVE'. If I was even thinking
about a Kick-Ass sequel,

I had to get serious.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hey. Hey,
can we chat?

Please, Mindy?

Get in the cab.
Meter's running.

I wanna team up
like Batman and Robin.

(SCOFFS)
Nobody wants to be Robin.

What's wrong with Robin?

Weren't you like
Big Daddy's Robin?

Robin wishes he was me.

What I'm trying to say
is we should be partners,

you and me, like the dynamic duo.
(SIGHS)

I'm in the NFL, Dave.
You play pee-wee.

So? Train me.

I wanna walk the walk,

and you're the closest thing
I know to a real superhero.

Aren't you tired
of being on your own?

Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?

Someone who's
got your back?

(SCOFFS)

And you'll do
anything I say?

Anything.

Hit me.

You're a 15-year-old girl.
(GROANS)

What the hell?

Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, goddamn.

DAVE: Mindy beat me like morning
wood every day for three weeks.

Come on. Guard up!
Left, right, guard up!

(STRAINING)

Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

But, in a weird way,
I kinda liked it.

It gave me
a sense of purpose.

What happened to your face?
Nothing.

Like we were driving
towards something.

Goddamn!

Oh! Oh, that's amazing!

All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.

We were training
to really do it.

I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.

But I didn't care. We
were having too much fun.

(GRUNTING)

Left, right, left!

Our own superhero team.

(LAUGHS)

It was gonna be balls.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What the hell, Mom? Did you
delete the news off the DVR?

Yes. Yes,
I did, Christopher.

That was the one
with Kick-Ass.

Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop
obsessing over this superhero.

He is not a superhero,
Mom, he's a murderer.

He blew up Dad with a
bazooka, for fuck's sake!

Your father died
in a fire.

A fire?
What is your problem?

You! You are my problem!

I am trying to raise you
to be a normal boy!

That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.

A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch!

This conversation is over.

Great. Then I'm leaving.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Come on, Javier,
be cool.

Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!

You threw away
my Red Mist costume.

God! I am not
the problem! You are!

I wish you were dead!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(MRS. D'AMICO SCREAMS)

Mommy?

MINDY: Don't touch that.

Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?

It's a last resort. Like if all
else fails and you're about to die.

Are you not scared to die?

Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?

I'm serious. What if Spider-Man
or Batman got killed one night?

It could happen.

If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain, you are going to die.

My daddy was never
afraid of dying.

Look where that got him.

He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.

(SIGHS)

And that's why
he made me promise

I'd never stop
defending this city.

Cross my heart,

hope to die.

Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?

(SCOFFS)

You're wrong, Dave. My daddy
was the first real superhero,

not you or Red Mist.
It was my daddy,

and it was an honor
to serve by his side.

Hey, Min,
how was school?

Super crazy.

Miss Mullins
was out today,

so we had Mr. Cooper teaching
us biology, such a grump.

Oh, really? That's weird because
Principal Himoff called me yesterday.

You were supposed
to get an award

for perfect attendance,
but you didn't attend.

I followed you this morning. Saw
you get into a cab with some boy,

and I lost you guys
over the bridge.

So now you wanna tell me
where you really were today?

I'm really sorry, Marcus.
I didn't wanna make you mad.

Cut the waterworks, Min.
You're 15, not five.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

Look, he asked me to out
class and go to the mall.

So,yeah,
yeah, I did.

This has nothing to do
with you being Hit Girl?

I'm not gonna
find any ninja blades

or throwing stars
under your bed?

No. I just wanted him
to like me. Okay?

Sweetie, skipping school's not
a way to get boys to like you.

I'm so stupid.
Hey, hey.

You're one of the smartest little girls I know.
Let's go get some pizza.

What, you mean
I'm not grounded?

Well, just consider
this a warning.

JAVIER: Hey, you sure you wanna
give all your mom's things away?

What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?

JAVIER: Damn, she had
a nice pair of guns.

Dude, she's dead!
Don't talk about her tits.

I was talking about these.

Oh, those.
Those were my dad's.

Why don't you keep them?

Are you sure?

Yeah. I mean,
they belong to you, right?

Come on, Chris.
You're your own man now.

Just be careful, all right?
Yeah.

CHRIS: Whoa!

Definitely don't
wanna keep those!

I'll take care of it.
(CLEARS THROAT)

You take the day off.
Later.

Hey.

So, are you ready for
your first field test?

What am I supposed
to do with these?

Put them on and, uh,
go fishing.

(EXHALES)

I'm the whitest pimp ever.

MINDY ON RADIO:
That's the idea.

Take the next right.
Comes out on Flatbush.

You sure I should be doing
this without my gear?

That's the point.

Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.

Dave Lizewski is the mask.

Well, my "mask" is about to
get his teeth kicked in.

Hey, queer bait, where are you
going with those bags, man?

Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a 12-inch strap on.

I'm just taking a walk.

This really isn't what I do. I
usually just call the cops.

Who are you
talking to, man?

Uh, I'm just on a call.
It was...

You know, service round
here, it sucks, man.

Now give me the bags, faggot, before
I make you suck my fat cock, huh?

Come on.

Okay, Okay-

(GROANS)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

DAVE: Can you believe I let Mindy
beat the snot out of me for weeks

just so I could get
my ass kicked again?

So much for a team.

You ready to die?
You faggot!

You know, all that homophobic
shit makes you sound super gay.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Come on, man.
Come on. (GROANS)

If I ever catch you robbing
again, shit-burger,

I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on
your ass and out your hand off.

Promise me you're done
with your life of crime.

I promise.

(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)

Pants on fire.

What do you think? I think
you almost got me killed!

No. What do you
think of my line?

"Pants on fire."
I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.

Run! I'll tell them
you saved me. Go!

DISPATCH ON RADIO: Female
suspect fleeing Flatbush.

Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed
with nunchucks and a sword.

(ENGINE STARTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(BEEP)

ON PHONE: Hey, Min. Hey, Marcus.
What's up?

I see you answered
your phone.

That means
you're not in school.

I was,

but I wasn't feeling so good, and so
the nurse decided to send me home.

Poor thing.
Well, I'm almost home.

I'll make soup
and we can watch Jeopardy!

All righty.
I'll see you soon, okay?

All right.

(SIREN WAILING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(HORN HONKING)

Shit!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You got my soup?

Let me take your
temperature first.

Oh, you're really clammy.

I'll feel better
after a nap-nap.

Close your eyes. I'm
gonna get you that soup.

Is that blood?

Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.

Your father was
like a brother to me.

He was a great cop
and a hero.

But Big Daddy? That was
not your father, okay?

That was someone who robbed
you of your childhood.

And this?

Hit Girl?
That's not who you are.

You are Mindy Macready and you're
just starting high school.

I understand that you don't
know who that person is yet,

but you will,
you've just gotta try.

I don't want to.

You don't know
what you want.

You can't. You're not
an adult, not yet.

Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years
than most adults have in their lifetime.

That note that
your father gave you,

the one that you were supposed to
open if anything ever happened.

What did it say?

That you would
take care of me.

And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?

Well, listen up.

I want you in school. I want you
to stop talking to that boy.

And I want you
to promise me

that this is never
gonna happen again.

Cross my heart,

hope to die.

Good.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

DAVE: Mindy!

What the hell?

First you almost get me
killed, then you stand me up.

Dave, I'm sorry.

I mean, I...
You are?

I am.

For everything.

Oh, okay, great.

I mean, "apologetic" isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.

How many times do
I have to say it?

(SIGHS) Look,
let's get out of here.

You gotta ease up. I think
I might have broken a rib.

Dave, I'm done.

With training?

With everything.

Wait, you mean everything?

You can't.
You're Hit Girl.

We were gonna start a team,
you can't just quit.

This is who you are.

Not anymore, Dave.

I'm sorry, but it's over.
I'm done.

GIRL: She just broke up
with him?

Just leave me alone.

(GROANS)
Will You Stop apologizing?

I don't know what's worse, that
you're fucking a 9th-grader

or that you just got dumped by one.
Whoa, whoa!

Pedophile freak.

It's not like that.

Then what is it like?
Please, tell me.

I can't. It's to do with the
(MOUTHS) Kick-Ass thing.

I've got a secret for you.
You remember Malik?

Dude who volunteers
at your needle exchange?

His baton is so much
bigger than Kick-Ass'.

No.
Yeah.

And by "baton,"
I mean penis.

Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Fifteen gets
you 20, pervert.

A freshman, Dave?
You old, salty dog.

What's the problem? Grass on
the field, play ball. Right?

No, Todd.

JAVIER: Chris,
your tutor's here.

Chris!

Chris, your...

Holy shit.
What the hell is that?

My destiny.

Chris, just because your mom liked
to get a little freaky now.

I know what my role
is in this, Javier.

My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense.

I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.

Come on, come on.

Just put those things down
before you hurt somebody, Chris.

That's not my name.

Okay, okay.
Uh, Red Mist...

Red Mist was
my superhero name.

Henceforth
I'll be known as

The Motherfucker.

DAVE'. After Mindy quit,

I decided to stop hitting the heavy
bag and start hitting the streets.

Hey, Kick-Ass,
welcome back!

Yeah!
Whoo!

MAN: You're the best, man!

Only problem,
I was still on my own.

So I went online and found
a physics professor

calling himself
"Dr. Gravity."

Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.

This is the zero G device
that I invented.

Can levitate
any object up to a ton.

For real?

Hell, no, man. This is a
baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.

(LAUGHS)
But it fooled you.

Hey, could I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?

I'm not even
a physics professor.

Just a copywriter
for an ad agency.

But that's why
I love this stuff.

You can be
anyone you want!

You done many
team-ups before?

Kind of. Yeah.
No, not really.

I was getting kinda nervous about
being on my own, you know?

Yeah, me, too. I never
even been in a fight.

Well, hopefully
you won't have to.

I friended a guy talking about forming
a team, if you're interested.

I don't know
how serious he is,

but his picture
was pretty hard core.

Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.

I didn't wanna freak you out
by bringing it up too soon.

I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.

JAVIER: Your Uncle Ralph's not
gonna be happy about this, Chris.

That's not my name.

I'm not calling
you that, forget it.

Javier, you worked
for my dad.

Then you worked for my mom.
Now you work for me.

I'm probably the richest kid
in New York City.

But if you
don't like that,

find yourself another
motherfucking job, okay?

Yo, Kick-Ass!

Man,
am I glad to see you.

Is there anything
I can do to help, sir?

Yeah. I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Come on. Come on.

(GROANING)

Run, Kick-Ass, run!

Jersey Shore motherfucker!

Hey, what, you not
interested in a fair fight?

(LAUGHS)

That is no fair fight. Team meeting tomorrow.
I'll e-mail you the address.

(HORNS BLARING)

Beware Dr. Gravity!
(WHOOPING)

DAVE: You had to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.

I couldn't wait
to meet his friends.

(BELL JINGLING)

Hands in the air,
Spring Roll.

Empty the register and
don't do anything stupid.

Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?

We don't have them. Too expensive.
Seriously?

What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral?
You want to be filmed?

Shut up and just
get on the ground!

And you'd better tell people
The Motherfucker was here.

What's wrong with you, boy?
(GASPS)

Get on the floor,
too, Gandalf,

or I will bust
a cap in your ass.

You're gonna bust
your own face

when that gun kicks if you
don't hold it properly.

Just get on the ground!

God, will you hurry up!

(G ROANS)
I told you.

(GRUNTS)

Go! Go, go, go!

Start the car! Go, go!

(ENGINE STARTS)
CHRIS: It was amazing!

I feel so alive. I know who I am.
I know why I'm here.

I'm gonna fuck
this world up!

They will know The
Motherfucker's name! (YELLS)

You've gotta find me some bad-ass
MMA types to train me, okay?

Like a Chuck Liddell
or whoever.

Fuck, I don't care
how much it costs.

I just wanna be able to kill
Kick-Ass with my bare hands.

(PANTING)

I gotta tweet about this.

MARCUS: All right.
Are you ready?

Um, I don't know.
Am I?

Yes, you are.
You look great.

And Barbara's daughter,
Brooke, is really nice.

What am I supposed
to talk to them about?

I'd rather be water-boarded
than listen to Justin Bieber.

You're gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be a disaster.

How do you know that?

Because it's a slumber party,
for fuck's sake.

Dollar. Jar.

(SIGHS)

You're gonna need
a bigger jar.

Pretty cool, huh? This is how
the beer gets delivered.

Dude. You got a secret elevator
to your underground headquarters.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. The guy I told
you about owns this place.

It's like
a real-life bat-cave.

I know, right.
Oh, yeah.

(EISENHOWER BARKS)

This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.

Welcome to Justice Forever.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi, Detective Williams.
This must be Mindy.

It is. Hi, Brooke.

You girls have fun and I'll pick
you up in the morning, okay?

I'll be the one
with the slit wrists.

No, you're gonna be the one
that gets the awesome manicure.

I am?
Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Sat "hey"
to Mindy, ladies.

BOTH: Hey.

HARLOW: I know you.

You're that freshman who took a ride
on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.

I did not ride his...

If you just blew him, you're
totes a virgin, right?

She didn't blow him,
look at her.

Then what? Rim job?
Hand job? Fingerbang?

Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at
least kissed him, right?

Totes.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)

You've never kissed
a boy, have you?

Oh, my God,
that is so adorable.

Maybe she's a dyke.

Maybe I'll jam
my foot up your snatch.

Oh, she's super bitchy,
I likes.

Then what's
the big deal anyway?

What could be so great about gagging
on some douche-bag's tongue?

It's pretty fucking great.

You know how you feel when you
watch that video by Union J?

Holy shit,
you don't know?

This will change your life.

(SINGING) Don't ever say you're
lonely Just lay your problems on me

And I'll be waiting
there for you

You guys love this shit more than
fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?

Who's Stan Lee?

ALL: (SINGING) I'll carry
you I'll carry you

I'll carry you

So you know that
I'll carry you

I'll carry you

I'll carry you

Like you've been
running for hours

And can't catch your breath

The demons are screaming
so loud in your head

You're tired
You're broken

You're cut
and you're bruised

But nothing's too heavy
Just hold on

(MOANS SOFTLY)

I'll carry you

What the fuck was that?

I know, right?
I'm soaked.

That? That is
who you are, Mindy.

You may not dress
like us or talk like us,

but when it comes to boys,
we're all the same.

Twilight. Channing Tatum.
Union J.

It's biology, bitch.
Don't fight it.

I, um...

I gotta go.

But we were gonna go and get high
on bath salts at Logan's house.

Mindy, I wanna
give you a chance

that the rest of the girls
in our class would kill for.

Don't you wanna walk out the door
every day in skin-tight clothes

knowing that
everyone worships you?

Don't you wanna sneak out at
night, raise a little hell,

and show the world
what a strong,

independent woman
is capable of?

Don't you wanna belong?

So you know that
I'll carry you

Can I wear this
to Logan's?

Yay!

HARLOW: It's gonna be
so much fun.

So we tried the cops
and tried the newspapers,

and even set up a, you know,
a thing on the Internet

for people to
help us find Tommy.

Um...

But we got nothing. We
never saw our son again.

I came up with the name
Remembering Tommy,

and, uh, we've been doing this
three nights a week. So...

Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.

That's terrible, guys.
I'm real sorry.

I became Night Bitch after my sister
was murdered and found in a dumpster.

Holy shit.

Doesn't bring her back,

but at least I'm doing
something positive about it.

Insect Man.
Yeah, um...

I've been bullied my whole
life for being gay,

so now I stand up
for the defenseless.

That's why
I don't wear a mask.

Too much like being
back in the closet.

COLONEL: Long as your
heart's in the right place,

we don't care what you
put in your mouth.

Fist bump. Thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Well, I became Battle Guy

after my parents were mugged and
killed coming home from the opera.

Did I tell you
that sick bastard

maxed out their credit
cards on porno sites?

I hope we get the chance to
say hello to this guy someday

so I can personally levitate
his soul from his body.

Oh, my God. Marty?

Yeah, I knew
I recognized your voice.

No, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I don't know no Marty.
New guy.

Hey, asshole,
it's me, Dave.

Dave? Why are you
dressed like Kick-Ass?

Because I'm Kick-Ass.

COLONEL: You two
know each other?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
like since we were five.

What's all this bullshit about
your parents getting killed?

Yeesh, language.
What?

Battle Guy, care to
update your résumé?

(SIGHS) Uh...

I'm trying to figure out
how to explain this

without sounding like
a complete idiot right now.

Yeah, I'm not sure
that's possible, Batman.

MARTY: I'm not, either.

Um...

Okay. Well, when I found
you guys online,

you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.

I mean, Colonel, you're
ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.

Yo. Don't take
the Lord's name in vain.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd
let me join the team

unless I had
a good story, too.

All right, we'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.

Wanna see something cool?
Yeah.

I thought this could
be our meeting room.

DAVE: Whoa, this is so cool.

Now this little renovation
was totally clandestine,

which means nobody knew about it.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Now, I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.

Together we can make
a real difference.

Whoa!

If you'd consider it,
Kick-Ass,

we'd be honored
to have you join us.

Hell, yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)

That's what
I like to hear.

Right, time for initiation.

Turn around
and I'll unzip you.

I'm sorry, what?

Just joking. Let's get
down to business.

(ALL LAUGHING)
Gotcha.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
BROOKE: There you are.

We saved you a seat in the
caf, but you never showed.

I usually head over to the
Olive Garden to carb load.

I haven't had white sugar
since my first birthday.

Do we need
a thintervention?

Come on, best way to tighten up
a tummy is varsity dance team.

The sign-up sheet
just went up.

It's still blowing
my mind. Kick-Ass.

It's like finding out
your best friend's

always been Will Smith,
you know?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hi, guys. What are you
talking about?

Nothing.

Nothing?
Yeah, Todd, nothing.

All right.
See you around, guys.

Todd, wait.

Ow, watch it.
Watch me end your life.

Come on. Forget it.

Just one of the dickheads that
follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.

Who?

The Motherfucker.
He's some guy

claiming to be the world's
first supervillain.

He's got 1,000
followers already.

What an asshole.

(BELL tunes)
(GRUNTS)

Get some!
Uh-huh! Yeah!

You got this, Motherfucker!

You really think
he's got a shot?

I wouldn't take
his money if I didn't.

MMA is like chess.

It's all about the moves. And
your boy really knows his stuff.

Time to die, asshole.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

You all right?
I'm cool. Ow!

Good job.
Nice jab, buddy.

Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off.

ALL: Oh!
CHRIS: (GROANS) Shit!

Oh, you broke my leg!

Come on. Do something.
CHUCK: Let's take a break.

JAVIER: Yeah, yeah, let's
take a break, guys. Come on.

Street rules, bitch!

(GRUNTS)

Chuck! Get this girl off me!

Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing, man?

You all right, Chris?
You all right, buddy?

Get off me!
I was winning.

No, you were crying.

You know what? Screw this.
My super power

is that I'm rich as shit.

Hey, you wanna
work for me, huh?

You wanna beat
people up for me?

Sure.
All right!

Let's get you
a mask and a costume,

and we will call you
Black Death.

Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's
just a little bit incredibly racist?

I don't give a shit.

I want you
to put the word out

that I'm willing
to pay top dollar

for every hired
hitter in town.

Come on, come on.
Just talk about it first.

Money talks.

You wanted me
to be my own man.

This is
what it looks like.

All right, all right, I'll
make some calls. Yes!

Anybody else wanna
be a supervillain?

Promise I pay better than
Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.

What did you call me?
No, no, man.

He took a hit to the head.
Doesn't know what he's saying.

BROOKE: I've been studying
privately with Coach Podell.

And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.

So, if you're half decent, I'll
make sure she puts you on the team.

At least as an alternate.

You'd do that for me?

Besties stick together.

If Brooke wants a pet,
she should just get a dog.

She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.

All right, ladies, have a seat.
Let's get started.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

COACH: Mindy Macready?

Chill. As long as you don't
fall on your face, you're in.

Go.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Four attackers.

(GRUNTING)

No escape.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

HARLOW: Oh, my God. You
could totally make captain.

That was so much
better than Brooke's.

Oh, my God.

GIRL: Brooke doesn't stand a
chance for captain after that.

DAVE: A bunch of people
with made-up names

standing around
in homemade costumes,

searching the web
for unsolved crimes.

The comic book heroes
all have billion-dollar bases

and headquarters on the moon,
but this is the real world.

...scales, like a red, white and blue.
It's awesome.

What's that?
Brick.

Right.

What do you think?
I think it does the job.

COLONEL: People should get
what they deserve.

Family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.

An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.

And a pervert, pedophile,

deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.

Schwantz!
(BARKS)

Ouch.

You don't wanna hit
with your closed fist.

You might break your hand,
then you're defenseless.

You wanna hit with open palm and pivot.
Open palm and pivot.

Grab the back...

DAVE: I never made
varsity football

or got cast in the school play.
(ALL CHEERING)

Hell, I never even
made honor roll.

Knock out, bitch!

But if I had, I gotta believe it
would've felt a lot like this.

ALL: When the cops can no
longer protect and serve,

be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv.

We got the strength,
we got the nerve

to give those in need
what they deserve!

Justice Forever!

DAVE: We were in
the ultimate clique.

It didn't matter that
no one else knew.

We knew.
And we felt like rock stars.

Good night, guys.
Nice job. Battle Guy.

Night, Colonel.
Thanks for everything.

No, son, thank you.

You showed us that every
man can make a difference.

Without Kick-Ass,
none of us would be here.

That's from the heart. Don't
let it go to your head.

(SIGHS)

So...

I'm not really that tired.

Mmm.

(MOANING)
Mmm-mmm?

Mmm. Okay.

Let's leave the masks on.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Yeah!

DAVE: First big
mission's tonight

and it's not
community service.

We're taking on
some real bad guys.

What, can't your
team handle it?

They're not you, Mindy.

Remembering Tommy
owns a dry fruit business.

Night Bitch teaches ballet.

Night Bitch?

What is she? A superhero
or a soft core porno?

Maybe a little bit of both.

Oh, God,
you're plugging her?

I'm gonna vom.

You're like a ninja.

Can't you just sneak out
after Marcus goes to sleep?

You don't get it, Dave.

I made a promise to Marcus.

So break it. You're a
superhero, remember?

Mindy Macready's
just a disguise.

Yeah, well, I don't know what
kind of superhero Night Whore is,

but if you really think
I'd ever break my word,

you obviously have
no idea who I am.

I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.

I know Hit Girl
couldn't give a shit

about what high school
girls are into.

I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.

Go to hell, Dave.

What? You know I'm right.

Hey! Roid Rage.

Me?
Yeah.

You wanna take me
on a date sometime?

Uh,yeah.
Sure. Um...

My name's, um, Simon.
(CHUCKLES)

Great, um, Simon.

It's a date.

Mindy, I'm sorry.

Is there a problem, Min?

MINDY: Zero.

Good. Because
I don't like problems.

MR. LIZEWSKI: Dave, you been
sneaking out at night?

Mrs. Neipert said

she thought she saw you leaving
at 2:00 in the morning.

Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.

She tried to teach
her dog Spanish.

Are you on drugs?

Seriously?

I gotta ask.

You're my best bud and
you're growing up so fast.

Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?

Yeah, I promise.

Good enough for me, pal.

(CHUCKLES)

You're too smart to
do anything stupid.

Justice Forever!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'm glad you got that out of your system.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, Todd texted me.
Again. What a loser.

(CHUCKLES)

Dude, how bad-ass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?

Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.

I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?

He's a born-again Christian.

Shut up.
Yeah.

Let's hope he
can handle tonight.

I guess we're
about to find out.

Hey. Where's the rest
of the team?

Dr. Gravity has the flu,

and Remembering Tommy got
Book of Mormon tickets, so...

COLONEL: That's okay.

Five of us should do.

How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?

Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.

Boneheads in blue
take a blind eye.

How do you know
he's here tonight?

Because Thursday night
is poker night.

Same five low-lifes
every week.

Man with a habit
ain't hard to find.

So what's the plan?
Are we sneaking in?

I thought we'd knock.
It's more polite.

What?

Stay frosty, team.

I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.

Jehovah's Witness!

(ALL SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm sorry, I just
zoned out for a second.

Did you say that we're going
up against five gangsters?

And bouncer makes six.

And three-quarters.

What the fuck
do you want?

Good evening, young man. We'd
like a word with Jimmy Kim.

If it's not too inconvenient.

Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.

I'm sorry.

I think we're in trouble.

I just don't understand
why people feel the need

to use that kind of language.
(G ROANS)

(GASPS)
Whoa!

There he goes.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Battle Guy, what did I tell you about
taking the Lord's name in vain?

Sorry, sir.

Eisenhower, at the ready.

Insect Man, I want
you right behind me.

Everybody else spread out,
catch the strays.

Oh.

And try to have fun,
otherwise what's the point?

Nice party.
Anybody wanna dance?

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(GROANS)

Where are you going?

(ALL GRUNTING)

Very nice.
Behind you!

(GROANS)

Watch the birdie.

Whoo!
(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Don't you move.

MARTY: Night Bitch!
Behind you!

(GRUNTING)

Wait.

MARTY: Look out!

Okay, I got his right arm.

(SCREAMS)

(CHOKING)

You know, you shouldn't talk
with your mouth full.

It's very rude.
Come on.

(GROANS)

Who the hell are you?

We're the good guys.

Oh, no, you're
the fucking dead guys.

Eisenhower! Schwantz!
(EISENHOWER BARKING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh!
(SHRIEKS)

Ow!

Where are the girls?

Come on, man.
I've got a heart problem.

Oh, yeah?

No.

Do you want me
to solve that for you?

Whoa, whoa!
(EISENHOWER GROWLING)

Okay. The girls are
upstairs in the apartments.

My little brother, he's on the till.
He's just a college kid.

Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
On it.

Ralph D'Amico is
gonna end you for this.

Ow! It hurts!

(LAUGHING) Yeah,
there's a dog on your balls.

You want money? There's
50 grand on the table.

Please just make him stop! Please!
(EISENHOWER GROWLING)

You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?

We're not here
to steal from you.

We're here to send a message to
all the other bottom-dwellers.

We're shutting you down.
NIGHT BITCH: Come on.

There's a van waiting outside
from a battered women's shelter.

It'll take you
some place safe.

Go. Go.
We really can't leave.

We have no money.

Battle Guy, how much
they have on the table?

Oh, it's like 50 grand.

You got plenty now.

Thank you.

COLONEL: Good job, guys.
(HEROES CHEERING)

Very tidy. Very tidy-

I can't believe you pulled
a gun on that guy.

Were you really
gonna shoot him?

Let you in on
a little secret.

Empty.
Don't tell the bad guys.

Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.

Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
(ALL LAUGHING)

(STAMMERS) "There's
a dog on my balls."

CHRIS: God damn it.

Javier!
What happened?

Some douche just posted a link
to a story about a whorehouse,

says that Kick-Ass'
team took them out.

What the hell?
Where's my crew?

Chris, everybody's just...

(WATER SPLASHING)

Uh, can you ladies
excuse us for a second?

Uh, no,
they're my sidekicks.

They can listen to
what we have to say.

They're not
your sidekicks, Chris.

They're prostitutes
and witnesses, come on.

All right.
Sorry, no offense.

Everybody's just too afraid of
your Uncle Ralph to take the job.

But he's in prison.

Doesn't matter.
He runs the family now.

And he wants
everybody to lay low.

But, fortunately for you,

Big Tony doesn't know how
to lay low, so he's in.

I don't remember a Big Tony.
Is he huge? He's ironic.

5 foot 4,
but mean as shit.

(GROANS)

He's got such a hard-on
for killing people.

He's little and he kills.
Right.

Call him "The Tumor."

Who's next?

JAVIER: All right, we've got, uh, an
ex-Triad member looking for work.

Easy, "Genghis Carnage."
Come on.

You gotta quit with the
racist stereotypes, Chris.

Archetypes.
Keep going.

We got, uh,
Katarina Dumbrovski.

Wait, wait. A chick?

JAVIER: Yeah.

CHRIS: Seriously,
you hired a chick?

Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in
the Gulag until she ate her cellmate.

Okay. "Mother Russia."

Mother Russia and Motherfucker
both on the same team?

That doesn't work, Chris.

I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.

Just get them costumes
and get them ready!

Shit.

Javier, thank you.

I couldn't do this
without you.

You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left..

Not a problem, man.
I got your back.

It's kinda like you're the
Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.

Did you just call me
your fucking butler?

Yeah, is that not
a compliment?

(CHUCKLES)

Shit. My bad.

DAVE: There wasn't
much action most nights.

I mean, there was always a
little action with Night Bitch.

The reality of being a
superhero is lots of patrols.

But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.

With all our new members, it seemed
kinda shitty not to ask Todd.

Stop peeking, man,
you're gonna ruin it.

Check it out.

You can't fight crime in that. Your
pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.

(GIGGLING) What the
hell's "frog-eye"?

Male camel toe.
What?

I'm not really sure about these names, either.
"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."

"Dr. Kick-Ass"?
Yeah.

Yeah, they all
kinda seem derivative.

MARTY: Let me translate that.

You can't just copy Dave's
name, you knob-gobbler.

Okay. Um...

Uh...

Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.

I got it. I got it.

"Ass Kicker."

Seriously?

You're such a dick, Marty.

I know this is why you guys
aren't texting me back,

I'm not an actual idiot.

Well, you could have
fooled me, Ass-Licker.

Yeah, well, screw you guys.
(LAUGHING) Todd...

No, really.
Fuck you guys.

I'm gonna go find
my own team.

Todd. Wait. Come on.

(SIGHS)

DAVE: Todd was right,
we were being dicks.

But the truth is,
the only person

I really wanted on
the team was Mindy,

but she was too busy
trying not to be a superhero.

Okay, Min, he's here.

Your first big date.
How are you feeling?

Like the first time
Big Daddy sent me into

a crack den with nothing
but a penknife.

I've got some butterflies.

You just be yourself
and you let me be nervous.

Don't worry about me. I can
kill a man with his own finger.

A word of advice, I wouldn't
open with that. (CHUCKLES)

Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.

Well, uh,

how else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?

Thanks.
You're welcome.

(ENGINE STARTS)

MINDY: Where are we going?

SIMON: To a party.

Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?

Because that's where keg
parties usually are, right?

Guess we're
the first ones here.

This isn't where you
have a party, moron.

This is where you
dump a dead body.

What's your problem?

I'm sorry.

I'll stop being such a bitch.

You actually seem
like a nice guy.

(CHUCKLES)

So, um...

You wanna hook up?

And a total idiot.

(RUSTLING)

Simon, get back
in the car.

Now!

Yay, you made it.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Brooke?

This is to celebrate you.

Celebrate?

What a total loser you are.

And we ditch losers.

Poor Mindy.
What did you think?

The cool kids saw
something special in you

and invited you
to your first party

where you'd sip
your first beer

and finally suck face
for the first time?

Newsflash,
you're not special.

Fuck with the queen bee
and you're gonna get stung.

BOTH: Date ditch.
(ALL CHEERING)

Party at my house!

GIRL: Pathetic.

BROOKE: Simon,
you can drive us.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Dave?

Oh, my God! Mindy? Holy shit.
What are you doing?

Just needed to see
my Robin, I guess.

Are you okay?

Hey, hey, hey-

(SOBBING)

I don't know what to do.

Those girls, they're...

They're evil.

It's just high school.
Who gives a shit?

You should be out there in the real
world making it a better place.

Dave, I can't.

I know,
you promised your dad.

But he's not here anymore.

This is your life.
You've gotta live it.

How am I supposed
to face them tomorrow?

I'm so embarrassed.

Why?

You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're funny.

(EXHALES)

You're the strongest person I've ever met.
You can do anything.

And you're Hit Girl.
(CHUCKLES)

Doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or makeup,

it's who you really are.

So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?

No! Definitely not.

(CHUCKLES)
I'm fucking with you.

Just beat them
at their own game.

By being yourself.

BROOKE". Well, if you
really wanna be popular,

consider two little words,
"sex," "tape-ll

Lois, you don't
need these ax wounds.

If I can dress
like them, so can you.

It's a gift from some drug
dealer who went missing.

BROOKE: Just because
you dress like us,

doesn't mean you
can be like one of us.

It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine,

I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.

Okay,
Captain Muffin-Muncher,

have fun playing
make-believe.

This?

This is all make-believe,
Brooke.

The reality is
you're an evil bitch

who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.

You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.

I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy

and I make adorable

babies for my nanny to take care
of while we vacay in Paris.

My life is gonna rock
and yours is gonna suck.

And no matter
how slutty you dress,

no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss
that hole you call a mouth.

So why don't you spare us all the
whining and slit your wrists now?

'Cause the only thing
that's gonna ruin my day

is looking at your face
one more second.

Told her.
(CHUCKLES) Damn.

BROOKE: What's that?
A ghetto cell phone?

(GASPS) Gonna call for help
with a come-back? Hmm.

Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled DARPA employee.

You see, it was designed for crowd
control, but deemed too severe.

It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.

(CHUCKLES) He called it
"the sick stick."

Either your daddy
got ripped off,

or you're back in make-believe
land, sweetheart,

because we feel fabulous.

Not for long.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

You get away from me.
Please, you win.

I don't wanna win. I just want to
make the world a better place.

(ALL GASP)

Dad?

You home? Dad?

Is this what
you've been up to

while I'm outworking nights
saving for your college?

You've been dressing up
and fighting people?

There is blood on
these stick things.

What are you doing
in my room?

I was looking for drugs.

I was worried about you.

Okay, good.
Now you can stop.

No. Now I'm even
more worried.

Jesus,Dave,
drugs would have been better.

This is deranged.

Whoa. Some people
do a lot worse.

Oh, the people you hang outwith?
No.

The people I hang out
with are superheroes.

There is no
such thing, Dave.

This is the real world
with real consequences.

When are you
gonna grow up?

If it means
turning into you, never.

I don't wear the mask because
I'm ashamed of who I am.

Not like you.

What's that supposed to mean?

If you're not at work,
you're here doing crunches.

Why? So you can
look like someone else?

Maybe get a few more years
of doing nothing?

Your life has
no meaning, Dad.

When you're gone,
who's gonna notice?

Where the hell
are you going?

Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's
what you do when you grow up.

Did he say why
he wanted to see me?

JAVIER: When your Uncle Ralph
calls, I don't ask questions.

Just the kid.

Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.

RALPH'. Hey, how you doing?

Good, Uncle Ralph.

Listen, Chrissy, things have been
tough all around since your dad,

you know.

Well, I been trying to get the
family back on track from in here.

They record
these things.

I know, it's fine.

The warden's a pal.
Now listen to me.

It's okay to
have a bit of fun,

but you can't go hiring
a gang of heavy hitters.

Javier should
have told you.

No, it doesn't matter.

Uncle Ralph, lam gonna make
Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.

Chrissy, you need
to forget that punk.

It's more important
that you stay out of this.

You're not like me,
or your dad, you're, uh...

Special.

You can't tell me
what to do anymore.

I know who I am now.

Oh, yeah?

And who's that?

The Motherfucker.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You think you're
the big bad guy, huh?

Let me show you what
real evil looks like.

JAVIER: Hello ?

Javier, what's going on?

Chris, what's up?

What are you doing
on Lou's phone, huh?

Drop yours in
the toilet again?

Everything okay?

(GROANS)

(JAVIER CHOKING)

(DYING GASP)

Thank you for that.
I needed it.

For what comes next.

Don't be stupid, Chris.

Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.

Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.

COLONEL'. Voila!

Presto and elegant, damn. Them
boys designed a very tasty logo.

(BARKS)

What's the matter, girl?
You hear something?

Come on, let's go see.
Come on!

(BARKING)

Anybody out here?

I don't see anything.

Gonna have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.

(EISENHOWER BARKING)

I wonder what's
bothering you.

I know. Tonight you die.

Ladies first.

You will not shoot me.

You are superhero. You help people.
You do not hurt them.

That's supervillain
territory.

Or as I like to
call my little gang,

the Toxic Mega-Cunts.

Hi.

(CLICKS)

Yeah, like your head.

(GROANS)

(ALL LAUGHING)
(BARKING)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

Yay!

Ooh, it's gotta hurt!

(GROANING)

I did my homework
on you, Colonel.

You used to be
Sal Bertolini, didn't you?

Did a few jobs for my dad back in the
day, before you got "born again."

I used to hang with
a lot of losers.

Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?

(EISENHOWER BARKING)

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm The Motherfucker!

And I'm here to end Kick-Ass.
Not just kill him.

I am gonna shit on
everything that he loves.

(GROANS) Let's trash
this place, guys.

CHRIS: "Miranda Swedlow"?

Who's that, Sal? She one of
the whores on your team?

(GRUNTING)

Night Bitch all
snuggled up to Kick-Ass.

Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket.

Want me to kill his dog?

The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.

Cut the old man's head off.
(GASPS)

You guys hungry?
I'm starving. Come on.

Pizza, can we get pizza?

We're getting pizza.

Don't worry,
I kill you first.

(GROANING)

(BARKING)

Justice For...

...ever.
(NECK SNAPPING)

A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.

According to Twitter,
a man claiming to be

the world's
first supervillain...

I told you, no TV.
You're grounded, remember?

Marcus, I know
I made you a promise,

but I can't keep
being someone I'm not.

When I see evil,
I have to stop it.

Mindy, what you did to those girls
at school was unacceptable.

You could have really hurt them.
You're right, I could have,

but instead I sent them home
with tummy-aches.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

I don't get it. This obsession that
you have with revenge is not healthy.

If you don't let me
and the police do our jobs,

there is gonna be nothing
that I can do for you.

You're never gonna
have a normal life

and you'll probably
end up like your father.

Marcus, they cut
a guy's head off.

Who else is going
to stop them?

Kick-Ass? You?

You go to your room
and do your homework.

Now!

TOMMY'S MUM: Hey, guys, we're signing a
sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.

You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?

Did you guys see The
Motherfucker's Twitter page?

Who is this guy? And what's
his problem with us?

I don't know, but he has got
some elephant-sized balls.

He's been bragging on the web about
what they did to the Colonel.

Can that be traced?

I tried.
His IP address is masked.

All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna organize a fight.

There are a lot of guys online who
said they're in if we need them.

Are you kidding me?
This isn't West Side Story.

We didn't join up
to be in a gang.

We did this so
we could help people.

Shannon's right. We need
to leave this to the cops.

We better start
walking in pairs.

Motherfucker's tweeted that the
Colonel was just the beginning.

Anybody seen Night Bitch?

(WHIRRING)

Are you sure
she's on that team?

Stupid gash posted on her superhero
page that she's dating Kick-Ass.

So,yeah,
I'm damn sure.

Hello, Night Bitch!

Hey.

Oh, she wants to take
the party upstairs.

We're gonna have a party.

She closed the door.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Don't worry, darling,
I'm not gonna kill you.

I want you to give a message
to your boyfriend.

(GROANS)
(YELPS)

Come on, wriggly.

NIGHT BITCH: Let go!

You're done banging superheroes, baby.
(GRUNTS)

It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.

(GROANS)

(UNZIPS)

Shit.

THE TUMOR: What's wrong?

What are you doing?

(GROANS)

(PANTING)
Come on!

God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood.

I guess evil dick
feels limp.

Hurt her. Bad!

BLACK DEATH: Cops are coming.
(SIRENS WAILING)

Leave it to Mother Russia. She
makes 10 times what we do.

Fifty thousand a week.
Plus expenses.

Hey, watch out!

(BOTH GROANING)

BOTH: Wow!

(GRUNTS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Reverse it! Reverse it!

(GROANING)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Don't move! Freeze!

(GROANS)

Fifty thousand.
She's worth it.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(WHIRRING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Whoa, whoa!
Why are they backing up?

Why is there a lawnmower
on the trunk?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Wow!

(SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

We need back-up,
eight men down.

I think you mean 10.

Let's bounce! Put the word out
I'm building an evil army.

All psychopaths
and ex-cons welcome.

I don't think you're gonna have a
problem when people hear about this.

(CHUCKLES)

They just disappeared?

All they have to do is
take off their masks,

no one's gonna recognize them once
they're back in their street clothes.

Your attention, please!

Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.

We got every law
enforcement agency

in the state working
to hit them at once!

Why is Kick-Ass
on this list?

His crew does
community service.

I don't give a shit. Anyone wearing
a mask is getting detained.

We're putting an end
to this tonight!

DAVE: A lot of people said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.

But you gotta put it
into context.

The police didn't mind
our real life superhero stuff

as long as we were
picking up litter

or helping old ladies
cross the street.

But suddenly it was serious.

Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.

Freeze!
(G ROANS)

Dad had warned me that the real
world had real consequences.

As they pulled up, he must have been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.

Oh, shit, Dave.
What have you done?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

OFFICER: Police, open up.
(BANGING CONTINUES)

Hey.

Hi.

Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.

Wow.

You're actually pretty cute
under that mask.

(SIGHS)

I'm so sorry
about what happened.

Don't be.

It's my own fault.

We're gonna find these
assholes and make this right.

What's the point?

I mean,
we're really superheroes

about as much as
we're really dating.

We don't even know
each other's names.

I think it's time to get
back to the real world.

I thought we were trying
to make it a better place.

Then why is it worse?

DAVE: Maybe Night Bitch
was right,

which means Dad was, too.

I mean, things had
gotten out of hand.

Maybe it was time for me to
stop crashing at Marty's

and start apologizing.

(CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO)

Dad?

Whoa, whoa.
That's my dad.

Your dad's Kick-Ass?
What?

Yeah, he just
gave himself up.

You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me.

Dad!

Dad!

(ENGINE STARTS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Mindy?
Dave?

I need your help.
My dad's been arrested.

They think he's Kick-Ass.
Can you talk to Marcus?

(SIGHS) I'm grounded.
So?

So that means
I can't get involved.

Look. Wait a second.
I wish I could help.

MARCUS: Mindy!
Are you on the phone?

Look, I gotta go, okay?

I'm sorry, Dave.

Mindy, wait, wait.

(SIGHS)

DAVE: Hey, what the hell
were you thinking?

Yeah, I could ask you
the same thing.

I can't believe
you lied to them.

I wasn't gonna do nothing
while you went to jail.

I chose this. You should let
me deal with the consequences.

I thought you
wanted me to grow up.

Yeah? When you get a kid of your
own one day, you'll understand.

I'm gonna tell them
the truth.

No. Hey...
It'll just make things worse.

Look,l spoke to my attorney.
(SNIFFLES)

He said they gotta
let me out by tomorrow.

No actual crime
was committed.

There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.

Well, the cops are out
there looking for them,

so the safest place for Kick-Ass
is right here, locked away.

I don't know how you got
into all this shit, but

you gotta promise me you will never
dress up in that outfit again.

Do you hear me?

I promise.

This evil lair owns!

Do people still
say that, "own"?

Yeah, of course.

Your shark.
Something's wrong.

Think you used
the wrong kind of water.

What the hell, Eyal?

It's fine, Chris. They're supposed
to lie at the bottom of the tank.

It's just their way of,
how you say,

settling into
their environment.

Don't screw me
on this, okay?

You said we'd be
ready in two days,

we don't even have
a men's room yet.

Don't worry.

What's with
the bags of shit?

It's fertilizer
for the bombs.

You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.

It will not work.
You need a chemical kind.

Do I have to do everything myself?
Just fix it!

You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.

Mmm, no. No.
Except it's not, okay?

That sad sack
is not Kick-Ass.

I've seen Kick-Ass,
he's like my age.

Guy's old enough
to be his father.

No shit, right.

CHRIS: I'm sorry,
who are you?

I, uh, volunteered for your
evil army, like the others.

Right. I appreciate that.
Thanks for joining the cause.

This is the VIP area
for the core group.

I just thought it was
funny you said that.

Because he is
Kick-Ass' father.

Who?

Mr. Lizewski.
He's Kick-Ass' dad.

Shut up!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. You're not
gonna tell anyone, are you?

(CHUCKLES) No.

But you, my friend,
have just earned

life-time access
to my VIP area.

Go take a little seat.

Hey, get the kid
a Frappuccino,

then put his little
punk ass back to work.

(PHONE RINGING)

Okay.

Come on.

Can I help you?

The Motherfucker wants us
to take a picture with you.

It helps that my dad
is a really good lawyer.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Because I
don't think my beautiful ass

would last too long in prison.
(CHUCKLES)

Whoa, that's weird. Chris D'Amico
just texted me a picture.

Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?

MARTY: What is it?

Dude, what's wrong?

(SOBBING)

What is it?

(GROANING)

DAVE: The next few days
passed in a fog.

It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris,

they couldn't find him.

The cops did show up
at Dad's funeral,

not out of respect,

but because they were scared
something would happen.

My dad was a decent man.

All he ever did was try
and give me a good life,

and I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.

I love you, pal.

I love you, too, Dad.

You guys came.

We'd love to help you track down
this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but

we just got out on parole.

No, that's fine.

I'm not looking
for revenge.

Last thing I promised my dad was
that I was gonna give this up.

That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

But you started this.

Now I'm ending it.

(SNIFFLES)

Dave, I'm so sorry. Do you
hate me for not helping?

No,not even
a little bit.

You were right.
You gave it up.

If I had, too, my dad
would still be alive.

The only person
I blame is myself.

Let's do this!

Get down!

(GROANING)

(COUGHING)

Mindy!

Spread out!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Keep your head down!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

DR. GRAVITY: Come on!

(SCREAMING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get him!
(VAN STARTS)

Get that van over here!

Hurry UP!

(COUGHING)

Mindy?

Mindy!

Mindy?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You gotta put this on.

I'm not gonna do it.

There's nothing left you can
do to hurt me. (LAUGHING)

You wanna bet?

(GUNSHOT)

Whoa! Whoa!

Game on, cocksuckers!

There's a girl on the roof!

(GRUNTS)
(HORNS BLARING)

She's still up there!

(SCREAMING)

(YELPING)

I think I got her!
Go check!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)

Get out there!

(HORNS HONKING)

Come on!
Move your head.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Pull over, pubs-face.

(EXHALES)

We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker.
Where is he hiding?

Eat a dick.

You're gonna eat yours
if you don't start talking.

Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.

There's nothing you can do that
would make me talk. (GROANS)

Look, hold on. I can't do this right now.
It's my dad's funeral.

Dave, your father loved you.

Just like my daddy loved me. And
I know it hurts, but maybe,

maybe that's the real meaning
of being a superhero.

Is taking that pain and turning
it into something good.

Something right.

Remember what
you told me?

This is your life.
You've gotta live it.

Now help me find some pliers. I'm
gonna make this guy eat his own dick.

Seriously?

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello?
MINDY: Marcus?

Mindy. What's going on?
Are you okay?

I'm fine.

We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.

He's recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.

Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.

You promised me.

I know you see me as this little
girl, but I'm not and I never was.

You're right.

Daddy did take
my childhood away,

but I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.

Marcus, he gave me a gift,

a gift that I can't escape
no matter how hard I try.

And I don't need to spend the
next four years of my life

trying to figure out
who I am

because I already know.

I'm Hit Girl.

I posted the address. Do
you think they'll show?

Chris has an army.

These real life
super dweebs

have been waiting their whole
lives for a call like this.

Are you okay?

What? Yeah, no...
I'm fine.

Here.

Take this.

"Last resort"
really isn't my style.

Dave, this isn't a comic book. Real
people are going to die tonight.

My daddy was prepared
for anything.

Are you?

Yeah.

I am.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

They should
be back by now!

BLACK DEATH:
It's definitely dead.

Says on the Internet you're supposed
to keep them in fresh water.

It is just hungry.
We must feed it.

Why are you
looking at me?

(GRUNTS) We gotta
get this shit started.

Oh, yeah. Have I got
a show for you bitches!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING) Motherfucker,
Motherfucker...

All right,
party people!

We are gonna
kill Kick-Ass,

the very first superhero,
together.

We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces, feed that shit to MC Shark

and post it all over YouTube.
For real!

(CHEERING)

He's kidding, right?

Motherfucker don't kid.

That's not it. I'm gonna give
each and every one of you

party favor
fertilizer bombs!

And we are gonna
get our riot on!

That's what it
means to be evil.

We, my friends,
are the real 1%,

and tonight we are gonna fuck
this city up or my name is not...

DAVE: Chris D'Amico!

(MUSIC STOPS)

That is not my name!

(ALL MURMURING)

No, you're right. Your
new name's Little Bitch.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, this is perfect.

Are you really
that stupid?

There's two of you
and a whole army of us.

Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?

MINDY: No.

That's why we
brought our friends.

What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?

Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.

You're gonna pay for
what you did to my dad.

Your dad? You blew up
my dad with a bazooka.

BAG GUYS; Oh!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Are you ready to die,
little girl?

I might be if I have to keep looking
at that shit-stain you call a face.

Chris!

(GROANS)

(COCKING GUNS)

(SIGHS)

Hold him down. I wanna see
what his guts look like.

That's enough
from you boys!

(GRUNTING)

Nicely done, sweetheart.

That all you got?

No, I got my lethal
zero G device.

Bullshit.

(GASPS)

No shit.

(DEVICE POWERS UP)

(CHUCKLING EVILLY)

Are you okay?

(SUPERVILLAIN VOMITING)

Yeah. Thanks.
Ass Kicker.

Nice.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BONES CRACKING)

(SCREAMS)

(YELLS)

(SCREAMS)

(YELLS)

(GASPS)

Jesus, you are
such a pussy.

What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?

(YELPS)

(CHOKING)

We want to do good.

No, people want
to win the lottery.

(SCREAMING)

People want to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.

You think you can kill me
with little needle?

(EXHALES SOFTLY)

(GASPING)

That's not what it's for.

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

It's called
adrenaline, bitch.

(GROANS)

What was that,
some cheap shot?

That was for
the Colonel.

Ahh!

That's for Night Bitch.

And that's for my dad.

(GLASS CRACKING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(GROANS)

What the hell
are you doing?

Saving your whiny ass!

No!

I won't let you have this.
I'd rather die!

What is wrong with you, dude? This
is not a comic book, it's real life!

When you're dead, it's done.
There's no sequel.

You made this real. You started it!
And I'm gonna finish it.

I'll be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.

Wait!

(SCREAMING)

(EXHALES)

(GASPING)

I'm alive. (LAUGHS)

Dave, I'm so sorry.

(YELLS)

DAVE: The feeling
was indescribable.

Chris D'Amico, dead.

His wannabe supervillains,
defeated.

But did we make
the world a better place?

Or did we just finish something that
began when I first put on this mask?

The cops are coming.

TOMMY'S MUM: They'll take
care of the bad guys.

We better skedaddle
before they get here.

We did it.

Fuck,yeah.

Hey, language.

You're right, if we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.

He'd be proud
of you, Dave.

He'd be proud
of all of us.

You know we can never
do this again, right?

It's over.

One last time.
Come on.

What do you say,
Hit Girl? Are you in?

Why the hell not?

ALL: Justice Forever!

(EXHALES)
Thanks for the ride.

I'll see you at school.

I'm leaving
New York, Dave.

I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.

Why? He won't arrest you.
You just saved the city.

Yeah, well, I also killed
six guys with a cop's gun.

Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.

You can't go.
People need you.

They've got you now.
Mindy... (LAUGHS)

I'm not like you.

You don't have to be a bad-ass
to be a superhero, Dave.

You just have to be brave.

What was that?

That was my first kiss.

Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.

DAVE'. When Mindy left,

that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.

Just like it had to
eventually happen,

that real people would
try to be superheroes.

Eventually
it had to end, too.

Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.

It's because the real
world needs real heroes.

And not some punk in a
wet-suit playing dress-up,

but a genuine bad-ass
who can really kick ass.

CHRIS: Hello?

Please. Don't go.

Don't go.

(GROANS)

ls anybody there?

(GROANING)

Hello?

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS) Some help, please?

A shark bit my fucking dick off
and I can't get some water?

(GRUNTING)

(STRAINS)