Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,536 --> 00:00:05,367
♪ ♪
2
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:13,680
(no voice)
3
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:19,185
♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪
4
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:24,657
♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪
5
00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:27,394
♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪
6
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:30,196
♪ On the night we kissed ♪
7
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:35,435
♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪
8
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:41,174
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
9
00:00:41,174 --> 00:00:46,446
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
10
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:51,718
♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪
11
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:57,891
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
12
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:01,588
♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪
13
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:07,067
(gasps) Uh-uh, Andy, that is
the last piece of cake.
14
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,435
I get half of that.
15
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:12,172
Have an apple,
it's better for you.
16
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:15,742
Thanks for caring, Andrew,
but I think I'll cut it in half.
17
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,611
- Oh, that's not half.
- Yes, it is.
18
00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:20,513
You think that 'cause I'm small,
19
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:23,450
I can't see straight.
20
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,251
- Andy, we can share.
- No!
21
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,921
- I'll cut it in half...
- I'm telling Mom!
22
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,457
Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait.
This is embarrassing.
23
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,358
You guys fighting
over a piece of cake?
24
00:01:32,358 --> 00:01:34,260
What difference does
it make if one piece
25
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:35,862
is slightly bigger
than the other?
26
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:37,030
None...
27
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,866
so long as I get it.
28
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:42,035
Mom, Dad, I got it.
I got it!
29
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:45,538
I've been chosen to take over
the personal advice column
30
00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:46,873
for the ColumbusShopper"s Guide.
31
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,442
- I'm going to be "Dear Mallory."
- Oh, honey.
32
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:50,910
- STEVEN: That's great!
- They picked me
33
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:52,679
over a hundred other applicants.
34
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:55,715
They said my sample answers were
warm, compelling, yet practical.
35
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:56,950
Uh-huh.
36
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,018
Great, Mal. Well, maybe
you can help us over here.
37
00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:01,254
We're trying to decide
on how to share this cake.
38
00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:03,590
- Hey, I get a piece of that...
- Mom!
39
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,825
(all talking at once)
40
00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:07,827
Oh, wait! Wait, wait!
41
00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:09,929
You've come to me
with a problem.
42
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:12,432
You've come to "Dear Mallory,"
and I won't let you down.
43
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,767
Sit, sit.
44
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,270
Okay, okay, how's this?
45
00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:20,173
Jen, you cut the cake.
46
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:23,376
Andy, you get to pick
which piece you want.
47
00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:25,445
That way, Jen will cut it fair.
48
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,313
That's absolutely brilliant.
49
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:31,417
Warm, compelling, yet practical?
50
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:33,586
You know, Steven, maybe we could
use that approach ourselves.
51
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,522
I could cut and you could pick?
52
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,824
Well, dear, we've done so well
for the last 20 years
53
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:40,693
with me cutting and picking.
54
00:02:40,693 --> 00:02:43,530
Although it's a great idea, Mal.
55
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,798
I am a natural at this.
I better get started.
56
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,600
Look at all these letters
I have already.
57
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,769
- Oh...
- Oh, you can't actually look,
58
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:52,005
Dad, they're confidential.
59
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,974
Oh, let me look.
60
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,976
Well, I guess you're family
and all, so...
61
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,717
"Dear Mallory,
I need your advice.
62
00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:07,487
"My partner doesn't
satisfy me sexually,
63
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,656
- and I was wondering..."
- Oh, Dad...
64
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:11,791
My advice is that
you don't read that.
65
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:15,386
Very wise, "Dear Mallory."
66
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:18,364
Alex, Alex, guess what?
67
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,466
I'm "Dear Mallory"!
68
00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:23,503
Yeah, and I'm "Adorable Alex."
So what?
69
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:26,139
Ha, ha.
No, you don't understand.
70
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,374
I'm taking over
the personal advice column
71
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,809
for the ColumbusShopper"s Guide.
72
00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:32,412
The column is called
"Dear Mallory."
73
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,080
Now, wait, wait, wait.
Columbus Shopper"s Guide...
74
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,049
Isn't that that freebie giveaway
thing they have
75
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,584
at the checkout counter
at the supermarkets?
76
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:39,652
Uh, the one with all
the coupons in it?
77
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:42,188
That's right.
78
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:43,823
What are you
so excited about, Mal?
79
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,858
You're gonna be...
you're gonna be giving advice
80
00:03:45,858 --> 00:03:47,794
to lowlife bargain hunters
81
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:50,630
who can't afford
to buy a real paper.
82
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:51,798
Alex!
83
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:53,600
They're not lowlife
bargain hunters.
84
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,402
They're people, real people
coming to me for advice.
85
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,538
Mal, if these people were
willing to shell out a quarter,
86
00:03:58,538 --> 00:03:59,971
they could turn to "Dear Abby."
87
00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:05,612
I can help him.
88
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:08,047
And if either one of you...
89
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:10,617
...need help, come to me.
90
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:12,252
I'm going to be very busy...
91
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,420
but I'll always
have time for you.
92
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,411
You're family.
93
00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,418
Cut the cake.
94
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:31,000
Ripped By mstoll
95
00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:34,807
Got a problem, Mal?
96
00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:38,711
I don't have problems,
I solve problems.
97
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:40,576
I'm "Dear Mallory."
98
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:46,073
Is there anything
bothering you, Alex?
99
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,655
Mm-hmm.
100
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:51,190
"Dear Mallory."
101
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,859
Come on, Alex, talk to me.
102
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,494
Open up.
103
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:58,031
I sense that beneath that preppy
little exterior, there's a mass
104
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:01,467
of insecurities and frustration
waiting to pour out.
105
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:04,404
Yeah, Mal, that's why I have
this exterior.
106
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:07,066
To protect the rug.
107
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,543
Come on, Alex, I need practice
108
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:13,046
and everyone else
in the house is so sane.
109
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,882
I'll be your best friend.
110
00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:20,186
Oh, that always
works with me, Mal.
111
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,588
That's because you don't have
any friends, right?
112
00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:25,558
Mallory, why don't you read me
one of your letters?
113
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,549
- Okay.
- (Alex sighs)
114
00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:30,763
(sighs)
115
00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:32,432
"Dear Mallory..."
116
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,401
I love the way that sounds.
117
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,904
"...I am an extremely pretty
19-year-old girl
118
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:40,395
with a knockout body..."
119
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:51,718
Go on. Please.
120
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:54,287
"I have a real interest
in money,
121
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,222
"and I'm searching
for a smart, cute,
122
00:05:56,222 --> 00:06:00,750
21-year-old boy
who likes money, too."
123
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:05,220
We've got to help
these people, Mal.
124
00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:11,933
And in order to help them,
we need an address.
125
00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:15,575
Hasn't anybody started dinner?
126
00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:17,243
Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.
127
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:19,746
And then I decided against it.
128
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,248
Alex, it is your turn
to start dinner tonight.
129
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,017
Ma, how can you think of eating,
when there... when there's
130
00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:28,521
a young woman in peril
at 3214 Douglas Drive?
131
00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:30,022
Apartment 3C.
132
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:31,357
Mom...
133
00:06:31,357 --> 00:06:33,693
Mom, maybe you can help me out.
134
00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,762
I need practice solving
people's problems
135
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,764
before I publish
my first column.
136
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,932
- And?
- Well, is there anything
137
00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:41,367
you'd like to talk about?
138
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,436
Anything bothering you?
139
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,938
Well, I'm hungry.
140
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,707
Besides that, anything else?
141
00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:50,073
I'm thirsty, too.
142
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,146
Dad, help me out.
143
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:56,082
Any major problems in your life
you'd like to discuss?
144
00:06:56,082 --> 00:07:00,219
Um... no, I got
in the door just fine.
145
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:02,188
Come on, Dad, think hard.
Anything at work?
146
00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:03,890
- No.
- Physical problems?
147
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:06,415
- Nope.
- Marital problems?
148
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:10,588
- Well, sometimes your mother...
- Steven!
149
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,700
Mallory, I've been going
through some of these letters,
150
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,102
and most of them
seem pretty ordinary,
151
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,471
but I think I found one
you can use in your column.
152
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:19,472
Oh, great, great.
153
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:21,741
Yeah, it's really very touching.
154
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,743
"Dear Mallory..."
(giggles)
155
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:26,279
"I'm 181/2 years old,
and for the first time
156
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,147
"in my life, I have a boyfriend.
157
00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:30,016
"But last night,
a friend told me
158
00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:31,884
"that he's seeing
another girl, too.
159
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:34,353
"I can't stop crying.
160
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:35,688
What do I do?"
161
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,315
Signed, First Love.
162
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,515
(Steven sniffs)
163
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,198
Dad, it's just a letter.
164
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,099
I'm, uh... I'm fine.
165
00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:48,259
I'm-I'm, I'm fine.
166
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,436
Great choice, Jen.
167
00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:52,438
I'm gonna use this
in my first column.
168
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:55,775
Her first love.
169
00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,377
Dad, be strong.
170
00:07:58,377 --> 00:08:00,813
Oh, look, uh, why don't
we go in the kitchen
171
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:01,981
and get dinner started,
172
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,483
and leave
the problem solving to them?
173
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,984
I'm too upset to eat.
174
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,976
Well, I'm not!
Move it.
175
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:11,858
(sighs) What are you
gonna tell her, Mal?
176
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:13,893
I mean, I feel
kind of responsible.
177
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,561
I found the letter and all.
178
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:17,730
I don't know.
I don't know. Sit down.
179
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,866
Something like this:
180
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,634
"Dear First Love,
181
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,437
"There are plenty
of fish in the sea.
182
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,962
Looks like you may have
caught yourself a shark."
183
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,700
Ooh.
184
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,248
"So stop crying.
185
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,783
"First thing you've got to do
is find out if it's true.
186
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,152
"If he is seeing the other
woman, you've got no choice.
187
00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:42,188
Cut him loose."
188
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,523
- That's good, Mally.
- Yeah?
189
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,857
That's good, that's good.
190
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,425
I would add, um, uh,
191
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:49,417
"And let him sink
into the slime."
192
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:54,497
But that's just me.
(chuckles)
193
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,204
That's a nice touch, Alex.
194
00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:59,472
What do you think
of my response?
195
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,773
I liked it,
196
00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,808
but don't you think
it's a little rough?
197
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:04,477
Now, see, Jen, rough but fair.
198
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,579
You've got to give it
to these people straight,
199
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,147
or nobody feels like
they're getting helped.
200
00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:09,515
I mean, how would you feel?
201
00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:12,718
I don't know, I haven't
had my first love yet.
202
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:16,415
But when you do, you'll come
to me for advice, right?
203
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,649
For sure.
204
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,898
How's it going, Mom?
205
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:28,935
Well, I'm working
on the McPhillips house.
206
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:31,103
Still? I thought
you finished that.
207
00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,638
What's the problem?
208
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:35,107
Well, it's really a problem
of balancing the spatial
209
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,409
and the structural logistics.
210
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,577
I mean...
211
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,046
Can we... do we just
sheer-wall the existing
212
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,214
elements, or can we
support the weight
213
00:09:42,214 --> 00:09:43,716
of a cantilevered
terrace with...
214
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,519
with just poured
concrete grade beams?
215
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,781
I don't know.
216
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:50,823
(sighs)
217
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:53,815
Architecture got you down, Mom?
218
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:59,031
Here's a suggestion
for a quick pick-me-up.
219
00:09:59,031 --> 00:10:02,034
Go buy yourself a new dress.
220
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:04,837
Something splashy;
something pink.
221
00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,829
Buy me one too.
222
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,010
Make you feel better.
223
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:14,513
Always worked
for Frank Lloyd Wright.
224
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:16,582
- You see?
- Mm.
225
00:10:16,582 --> 00:10:18,584
How's "Dear Mallory"
coming along?
226
00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:20,786
Great. I've got Andy
helping out now.
227
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,221
(laughs)
Oh, that's cute.
228
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:25,458
How do you spell "grow up"?
229
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,927
Uh, G-R-O-W U-P.
230
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:31,530
How about "sink back
into the slime"?
231
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:34,158
(sighs)
Ask Alex.
232
00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:38,571
I brought you a present:
The new issue
233
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,006
of the Shopper"s Guide, Mal!
234
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,074
Yay! It's my first
"Dear Mallory!"
235
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:43,576
Where is it?
Where is it?
236
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,277
It's, uh, it's right here,
Mal, it's right here,
237
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,146
right between
"The Weekend Grease Monkey"
238
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,682
and "Cora's Cut-Rate Corner."
239
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:51,584
Eh, uh, you know,
that "Weekend Grease Monkey"
240
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,419
is a hell of a column.
241
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,788
No need to tell us, Nick.
It's our favorite, too.
242
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,722
NICK:
Yeah.
243
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,424
Oh, look, there's my picture!
244
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:01,360
Yeah, right between Cora
and the Monkey.
245
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:02,862
Let me read it. Here.
246
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:06,365
"Dear First Love, there are
plenty of fish in the sea,
247
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:09,669
and it looks like that you may
have caught a... a shark."
248
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,505
- (giggles)
- Whew.
249
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,674
Or what's this here?
250
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,043
Oh, uh, eh, uh,
that's your address
251
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:19,178
and, uh, that's your phone
number, Mrs. Keaton.
252
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,946
You know, you should
really know that.
253
00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:23,938
I mean, in case you
get lost or something.
254
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,955
Mom, I put it in there.
255
00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:31,857
If any of my readers
had questions...
256
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,392
you know, if anything
seemed unclear...
257
00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:35,561
they could call or write me
directly here.
258
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:38,553
Well, that's something
Dear Abby's never done.
259
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:44,670
I am simply not into a cold,
aloof approach to advice-giving.
260
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,305
I am warm and accessible.
261
00:11:46,305 --> 00:11:48,107
People need me,
and I'm here for them.
262
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:50,176
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can vouch for that.
263
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,445
She's warm... and accessible...
264
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,746
Nick!
265
00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:55,737
Please!
266
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:03,489
Please, Nick, it's bad enough
our phone number's in the paper.
267
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,558
ELYSE:
Look,
268
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,294
what is to stop people
from coming up to our house
269
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,396
- and knocking on the door?
- (knocking on door)
270
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:13,432
Very little, it seems.
271
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:14,433
Yeah.
272
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:16,135
Are you "Dear Mallory"?
273
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:18,137
Well, I know
what your problem is, pal.
274
00:12:18,137 --> 00:12:20,639
Slight gender confusion.
275
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:23,175
Well, that is on the list.
276
00:12:23,175 --> 00:12:25,511
- That's "Dear Mallory"
right there. - Ah.
277
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:28,180
- I'm "Buffaloed Bill."
- Buffalo Bill.
278
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:31,183
"Buff... Buffaloed Bill."
279
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:32,818
- Oh, okay.
- My wife,
280
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:35,054
she orders me around
all the time.
281
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,890
Well, these are my parents,
Steven and Elyse Keaton.
282
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,792
Oh, Mr. Keaton, Mrs. Keaton.
283
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,294
- Buffaloed.
- (phone rings)
284
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:44,930
Hello.
285
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:47,133
"Dear Mallory," it's for you.
286
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,734
- (knocking on door)
- ALEX: I got it.
287
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:51,170
Hello. Yes.
288
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:54,340
- "Dear Mallory"?
- (overlapping chatter)
289
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,841
Oh, Mallory, am I glad
to see you.
290
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:56,830
You've got to help me.
291
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,581
You look tired.
292
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:04,116
(sighs)
I'm fine.
293
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,352
How many letters have you
answered tonight, hmm?
294
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,753
How many phone calls?
295
00:13:07,753 --> 00:13:10,222
Oh, I stopped counting
after a hundred.
296
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:11,757
You're doing way too much.
297
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,093
I can't believe how many hours
you're putting in on this.
298
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:15,394
I know.
299
00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:16,929
Mom, I've been working hard.
300
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:18,920
But it's worth it.
301
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,336
When you're in
the public eye, as I am,
302
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:26,270
your time just isn't your own.
303
00:13:27,339 --> 00:13:28,340
You're so lucky to be
304
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,331
a complete unknown, Mom.
305
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:35,581
I don't... I don't like
to brag about it.
306
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,249
- ¡Hola! Hey!
- Hi, Alex.
307
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,685
Boy, how people can say
economics majors are dull
308
00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,253
is beyond me.
309
00:13:41,253 --> 00:13:44,824
Tonight, we watched reruns of
The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.
310
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,827
Then we started quoting
from Adam Smith.
311
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,818
At random.
312
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:53,666
And we finished up the night
by dancing on the table
313
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,402
and shouting out
commodities prices.
314
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:59,572
I'm surprised the cops
didn't bust in on you.
315
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,564
How many times do I have
to throw this thing out?
316
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,978
(phone rings)
317
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,313
Hello.
318
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:09,915
Yes, this is she.
319
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,651
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
320
00:14:12,651 --> 00:14:14,386
No, talk to her.
321
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,055
Yeah.
322
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:19,582
Well, she's your mother
and she deserves that respect.
323
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,194
Uh-huh.
324
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:25,865
Remember, we're always here
for you. Bye.
325
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,700
That's very good advice,
by the way.
326
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,701
(sighs)
327
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,636
It's instinctive, Mom.
328
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:32,905
Flows right out of me.
329
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:35,140
It's like there's
this little voice
330
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:37,142
inside my brain saying...
331
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,133
"Boy, you can see
for miles in here!"
332
00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:53,325
(phone rings)
333
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:54,894
STEVEN:
I got it!
334
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,897
Hey, Mal, Mal, this is getting
a little out of hand.
335
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,065
You're giving
marital advice now?
336
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:02,468
Oh, Mom, the column's
been expanded.
337
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:05,404
Oh, I'm giving marriage advice,
legal advice.
338
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:08,237
I'm doing surgery
through the mail.
339
00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:11,777
Mal, telephone for you.
340
00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:14,246
It's someone calling himself
"Fed Up Freddie."
341
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,248
I told him it's
a little late to be calling,
342
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,517
but he says he really needs
to speak to you.
343
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:21,120
Oh, is he annoying.
344
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,122
Well, tell him it is
too late to call,
345
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:25,024
but he can come
to the open house tomorrow.
346
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,358
Great.
347
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:29,361
What... what open house?
348
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:31,297
Well, I figured
it would be a good idea
349
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,933
to have a, um... an open house
one night a week.
350
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,201
That way I can deal
with them one-on-one.
351
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,370
(sighs)
352
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:40,372
Uh, listen, Freddie?
353
00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:42,741
She, uh... she can't come
to the phone right now.
354
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:44,868
But there's
an open house tomorrow.
355
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,847
Don't start with me, Freddie.
356
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:52,339
Yeah, well, I'm fed up
with you, too!
357
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:56,855
Mallory, I...
I honestly don't know
358
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:58,357
how you handle these people!
359
00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:01,327
I-I find it completely
exasperating!
360
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:02,995
Dear "Disturbed Dad,"
361
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,531
if you let the little things
in life bother you,
362
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,800
you lose sight of what
you really have...
363
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,893
how much you mean
to your family.
364
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,698
She's good.
365
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:21,547
She's very good. I feel better.
366
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,538
(overlapping chatter)
367
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:35,494
It's really going well, Alex.
So many people showed up,
368
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,563
and I think we really helped
a lot of them.
369
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:41,567
Yeah, well, uh,
I've kept my area tidy.
370
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,402
Look, there are only
about 15 more minutes.
371
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,771
Maybe we should start moving
people towards the door?
372
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:48,262
All right, Mom, I'll, uh...
I'll get out the big net.
373
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,580
- Well, enjoy yourself tonight,
Skipper? - Uh, actually,
374
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,582
I'm a little overwhelmed,
Mr. Keaton. You see...
375
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:57,916
Well, I-I couldn't really decide
376
00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:00,052
what problem of mine
to focus on.
377
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,354
So, uh, well, I've been
kind of hanging
378
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,890
around the "Generally Nuts" area
most of the night.
379
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:07,226
You can't go wrong there, Skip.
380
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:09,057
(doorbell rings)
381
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:12,097
- Hi.
- Uh, hello.
382
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,199
I'm Andrea Neff.
Are you "Dear Mallory"?
383
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,468
Yes, but our open house
is almost over.
384
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:17,636
Oh, great.
385
00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:19,271
I can't even time
my problems right.
386
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,407
I was hoping to have my crisis
earlier, like usual,
387
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,541
but wouldn't you know it,
388
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,176
tonight I got off
to a late start.
389
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:25,768
My kitchen blew up.
390
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:27,946
Let me help.
391
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,581
(clearing throat)
Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss.
392
00:17:29,581 --> 00:17:33,218
Why don't you, uh, just have
a seat right by this sign.
393
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,709
Someone will be around
to help you soon.
394
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:41,093
Um, what seems to be
your problem, Andrea?
395
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,095
Well, you-you don't
know me as Andrea.
396
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,997
You know me as "First Love."
397
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:47,499
"Fi..." Yes! Hi!
398
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:49,835
I-I've been waiting to hear
from you! How did it go?
399
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,070
Did you talk to your boyfriend?
400
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,072
Yes, um, I...
401
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,407
You know, could you move this?
402
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,509
Oh, God...
403
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,178
I-I talked to him.
404
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:01,513
And? Did you confront him
like I said?
405
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:03,515
Were you firm with him?
Tell me everything.
406
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:04,917
Well, I-I did just
what you said.
407
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,219
I-I looked him right in the eye
and I said, "Billy,
408
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:09,922
are you seeing another woman?"
And he said, "No, I'm not.
409
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,623
"But I hate being accused by you
410
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:14,126
and I never want
to see you again."
411
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,117
Oh, that's not good.
412
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,467
No. I didn't think so either,
413
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:24,503
but I-I wanted
a professional opinion.
414
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:27,039
Yeah. Well, I'm sorry.
415
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,474
Aren't you gonna fix it?
416
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:29,975
Um...
417
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,743
I don't think I can.
418
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:34,735
If I'd have come earlier,
could you have fixed it?
419
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,051
(sighs) Look, maybe
you're better off this way.
420
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,720
I mean, maybe he wasn't
the right guy for you.
421
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,222
If he's so willing to leave you
422
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:45,290
- just because you asked him
a question. - Oh, no, no.
423
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,559
He doesn't mind questions.
It was just that one
424
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:49,161
that really bugged him.
425
00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:52,431
Um, maybe you need
to find another guy.
426
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:54,433
You know, there are plenty
of them out there.
427
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:56,435
ANDREA:
Oh, for you. Look at you,
428
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:58,437
you're gorgeous...
it's easy for you
429
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:01,306
to say, "Cut him loose,"
but not for me. I mean...
430
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,308
Look at you and look at me!
431
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,311
I-I'm not in a position
to make a stand like that.
432
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,447
How could you give me
that advice?
433
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:10,115
It was the best advice
I had to give.
434
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,117
- I-I just tried...
- I'm Mallory's mother,
435
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,419
and she was trying
to help you, believe me.
436
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,288
Well, what do you know?
437
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:18,688
You're gorgeous, too.
438
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:22,761
You're all gorgeous!
439
00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:24,752
I mean...
440
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:31,303
Do you have any idea
what it's like being me?
441
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:33,294
Well, I might.
442
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:39,244
D-Do you know what it's like
sitting by the phone
443
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:42,247
- praying for it to ring?
- Yes.
444
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,583
Do you know how it feels
to have a blind date
445
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:46,351
show up at your door
and say, "I'm sorry.
446
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,253
There must be some mistake."
And he runs off?
447
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,254
Yes.
448
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,889
Do you know what it's like
449
00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:54,393
to go to the prom as a...
as a hatcheck girl?
450
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:57,062
Yes.
451
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:59,758
You know, I'm gonna kill
this person.
452
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,968
I-I don't know what to say.
453
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,336
I-I'm... I know.
454
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:06,371
This is... this is terrible,
I know. I...
455
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,807
I should have written
to "Dear Abby." I...
456
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:11,109
Oh, that's the last time
I try to save a quarter.
457
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:12,411
Wait.
458
00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:14,680
Um, do you want to sit down?
We could talk about it.
459
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,671
No, no, I'm fine.
(chuckles)
460
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:20,852
He was the only boyfriend
I'll ever have,
461
00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:23,343
and-and now my life's a wreck.
462
00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,514
I'm sorry to bother you.
463
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,884
Wait, Andrea! Wait up!
464
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:35,500
You've been telling us
about your academic
465
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,004
and, uh, social problems
for... let's see...
466
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,840
two and a half hours now.
467
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,375
And you know what's amazing?
468
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,673
I haven't really scratched
the surface.
469
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:48,703
That's our sense of it, too.
470
00:20:50,682 --> 00:20:53,418
Well, it's not like you guys
have said anything. I mean...
471
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,053
Can you give me some advice?
472
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,054
Yes.
473
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,045
Go home.
474
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:01,827
It's good advice, Skip.
475
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,818
Thank you.
476
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:11,303
Hey, boy, these... lovelorn
people sure eat a lot.
477
00:21:11,303 --> 00:21:13,205
Finished all the dip.
478
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,674
Gouged the bowl a little, too.
479
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:17,142
What a night!
480
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:21,146
I never heard so many problems,
saw so many tears.
481
00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:23,048
I can't believe
how many times I said,
482
00:21:23,048 --> 00:21:24,572
"Would you like a Kleenex?"
483
00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:28,720
- Hi.
- Hey.
484
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,855
Are you all right?
485
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,846
Yeah, I'm fine.
486
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,494
Would you like a Kleenex?
487
00:21:35,494 --> 00:21:37,062
Did you catch up with her?
488
00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:38,230
Finally.
489
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,232
I tell you, this girl
had some problems.
490
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,768
Speed was not one of 'em.
491
00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:45,737
- Well, what did you say to her?
- Mom,
492
00:21:45,737 --> 00:21:48,573
I mean, there was... there was
really nothing to say, you know?
493
00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:51,443
I apologized.
But what could I do?
494
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,845
I-I can't believe the way
this turned out.
495
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:55,180
All I wanted was for her
496
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:57,382
to be happy, for them all
to be happy.
497
00:21:57,382 --> 00:22:00,118
That's so much like you,
honey; it really is.
498
00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:01,486
I was really foolish, Mom.
499
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:03,322
I was really in love
with the idea
500
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,190
that I could help
these people, that...
501
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:07,559
that they'd turn to me
for help, you know?
502
00:22:07,559 --> 00:22:09,795
I got carried away.
503
00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:12,197
Well, you did get
carried away, but...
504
00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:14,866
you don't want to stifle
that noble impulse.
505
00:22:14,866 --> 00:22:17,235
It's such
a beautiful quality, honey.
506
00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:19,738
Mom, I mean, look
at these letters.
507
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:21,406
I mean,
can you believe the subjects
508
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,141
I was trying to give advice on?
509
00:22:23,141 --> 00:22:25,577
Marriage, aging...
510
00:22:25,577 --> 00:22:28,313
agriculture.
511
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:30,716
You know, even
as a very little girl
512
00:22:30,716 --> 00:22:33,151
you were always like that, Mal.
513
00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:35,787
So sweet and caring,
always so...
514
00:22:35,787 --> 00:22:38,123
so sensitive
to other people's feelings.
515
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:40,092
I remember one time
you came home
516
00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:41,560
all upset and teary-eyed.
517
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,829
You couldn't have been more
than five, five and a half.
518
00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:49,234
You said, "Dad, Skippy's
hamsters are biting each other."
519
00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:51,236
Oh, Dad.
520
00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:53,171
"And the lady hamster's
biting the man
521
00:22:53,171 --> 00:22:55,440
more than the man's
biting the lady."
522
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,977
And I said, "Well, uh,
maybe that's what hamsters do."
523
00:22:58,977 --> 00:23:01,279
You said, "How could that be?
524
00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:03,715
"They're supposed
to love each other.
525
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:06,885
I have to have a talk
with that lady hamster."
526
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:09,988
And the next day you went
and talked to the lady hamster
527
00:23:09,988 --> 00:23:12,991
and you came back home
and said, uh, "Dad,
528
00:23:12,991 --> 00:23:14,793
they stopped biting each other!"
529
00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:17,062
I said, "Good for you, Mallory."
530
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:20,122
You said, "Yeah.
Now they're biting Skippy."
531
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:24,269
I love a happy ending.
532
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:26,037
I wish I'd remembered
that story.
533
00:23:26,037 --> 00:23:28,540
I might have stayed out
of the lovelorn business.
534
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:30,142
Now, don't be so hard
on yourself.
535
00:23:30,142 --> 00:23:33,111
You made some mistakes, but,
hey, you gave some good advice.
536
00:23:33,111 --> 00:23:34,846
Look, here...
537
00:23:34,846 --> 00:23:37,449
"Dear Mallory, my friends
have moved,
538
00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:40,118
"my relatives don't talk to me,
my husband left me.
539
00:23:40,118 --> 00:23:42,654
What should I do? Signed,
'Desperately Lonely."'
540
00:23:42,654 --> 00:23:44,890
Now, what did
"Dear Mallory" reply?
541
00:23:44,890 --> 00:23:47,559
Here, uh, "Dear Lonely,
do yourself a favor.
542
00:23:47,559 --> 00:23:49,959
Stop your whining and learn
how to spell 'desperately."'
543
00:23:51,997 --> 00:23:53,988
I never wrote that.
544
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:06,901
Well, you were so busy.
545
00:24:35,841 --> 00:24:37,676
MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
546
00:24:37,676 --> 00:24:38,802
(Ubu barks)
547
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:48,500
Ripped By mstoll
39912
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof