All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x11

♪ Tell me when to go
tell me when to go ♪

♪ Tell me when to go

♪

♪ Tell me when to go
tell me when to go ♪

♪

What the hell?

Man, they forgot
my pico de gallo.

♪

Oh, love the shirt, Jake.

Lilith Fair '98 had
the best lineup.

Meshell Ndegeocello crushed it
that year.

Thank you, Boyle,
but this is not my shirt.

I slept at Amy's and I spilled
ranch dressing on mine.

Don't you have a drawer
full of clothes

at her place by this point?

Yeah, I spilled ranch dressing
all over the drawer.

What's so hard to understand
about this, guys?

Why don't you two move in
together already?

I thought you were planning to.

We are. We just haven't decided

whose apartment
we're going to live in.

I think Jake should move
into mine,

because it's bigger, nicer,
and isn't covered in black mold.

Black mold, Amy? Not cool.

- Right, Terry?
- What?

I rest my case.
Besides, my place is cheaper

and it's in a cooler
neighborhood.

Yeah. That neighborhood is
technically called Cobblestink.

All right, everyone. Listen up.

We have a situation.
Ten minutes ago,

a prison van overturned
on Nevins Street.

It was carrying nine convicts
who are now at large.

It's our job to bring them in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a manhunt.

A manhunt.

Okay, what I want
from each and every one of you

is a hard-target search

of every gas station, residence,

warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse,

outhouse, and doghouse
in the area.

Your fugitive's name is
Dr. Richard Kimble.

There must be some sort
of error.

There are nine fugitives,

and none of them
are named Kimble.

- I didn't kill my wife!
- What?

You're supposed to go,
"I don't care!"

- I don't care.
- Let the manhunt begin.

Patrol officers have secured
a ten-block perimeter.

All civilians are being
evacuated.

Here's what the convicts
were in for:

Arson, kidnapping, racketeering,

assault and battery,
forgery and counterfeiting,

triple homicide.

Whoo!

What? I'm not excited
about the murders.

I'm excited about the chance
to avenge them.

You guys are the weird ones.

Diaz, I want you here with me
interviewing witnesses.

The rest of you will search
the secured area

in the following teams:
Santiago, Boyle;

Jeffords and Peralta.

Get to work.

Okay.
We'll start south of Nevins.

You two start at Bond and we'll
rendezvous in the middle,

assuming, of course, Boyle and I
haven't already caught

all the fugitives
by the time you two show up.

Amy, there are
nine hardened criminals

running free in the streets.

This is hardly the time
for childish trash talk.

It's time for a bet.

A crazy-ass bet.
What are you thinking?

Whoever catches
the most fugitives

gets to keep their apartment.

Loser moves in with the winner.

All right. I'm in.

I hope you like sleeping in a
bed with a thousand pillows.

Well, I hope you like
sharing my one grey towel.

Was it grey when you bought it?

I didn't buy it.

It was in the apartment
when I moved in.

Are you sure you don't want
to just move in with me?

We already shook on it.
The bet stands.

Prepare to die, and by "die,"
I mean move in with me.

Here we go.

I get that the streets
are empty,

but slow down, man.

Terry forgot his Dramamine.

Stakes are high, Sarge.

I know it doesn't matter to you,
but I really want to beat Amy.

Doesn't matter?
Look, I am completely on board.

You need your own space.

I had a painting studio
in my apartment.

Was this in the '90s?

Did you wear overalls
and no shirt?

Every chance I got.

But then I moved in with Sharon.

And then the kids came along.

You know where I have
to paint now?

My acrylics!

I am not gonna let you
lose this bet.

The march toward the closet
starts with a single step.

Cool. So, basically just
telling me not to get married

and have kids...
Anything from dispatch?

Security footage
from a bank near the accident.

Two fugitives ran past
going north toward Flatbush.

Looks like the arsonist
and the gun runner.

Let's go after the arsonist
first.

I thought of the perfect thing
to say when we catch him

that no one else could ever
have possibly...

"You're burnt"?

No.

Initial reports had one
of the fugitives heading south

on Lincoln Place.

On it.

So, I know you're Jake's
best friend, and...

Did he say that?
Did you get that on tape?

- No.
- No, he didn't say that

or no, you didn't get it
on tape?

Doesn't matter. Either way,
you screwed up big time.

Anyway, all I'm saying is I
know you're Jake's best friend

and you really want him
to win this bet...

Are you kidding?
That's the last thing I want.

Jake moving in with you
is my dream come true.

Your apartment is
two blocks away from mine.

Jake will be able to pop by
any time.

Imagine it.

He's had a tough day.
He's fighting with Amy.

You know how
you let things escalate.

So, he just walks
over to my place,

bottle of wine in hand,

and we just talk it out.

And then by the time
that bottle's finished,

you've come to your senses
and apologized.

Maybe I don't want
to win this bet.

Okay, we need to figure out

whether this crash was
an accident

or part of a deliberate
escape plan.

Gina, I need you manning
the tip line.

Ha-ha! Good luck talking
to the crazies.

Crazies?

Oh, Rosa.

Sad Rosa.

Have some respect
for your fellow human beings.

What has gotten into you?

Solange just posted a video

of a Kenyan human rights
activist, Abdala,

and I realized he and I
are the only two people

that can save the world.

I'm so excited.

Okay, Diaz,
there are only two witnesses

who were close enough
to the crash to see something.

One's on his way here already.

His name is Marshawn Lynch.

Marshawn Lynch?

Marshawn Lynch
the football player?

I don't know his hobbies.
It just says here

he's unemployed.

Retired.

We're not getting anything
out of him.

He's always getting fined for
refusing to talk to the press.

Ugh, he's kind of
one of my heroes.

Well, it may be tough,
and it may take a while,

but I'm sure we'll get him
to open up.

Sir, there are some vaults
you just can't open.

I ain't seen anything.

I was eating my quesadilla.

It was a good one.
Chicken, cheese, guac.

But they forgot
my pico de gallo.

I remember
when I was a little boy,

my mama used to make this, uh,

she used to call it
"fo' cheese."

What y'all call it?
Y'all call it "four"?

How come they never make
quesadillas with sausage?

You throw some tomato sauce
in there

and call it a pizza-dilla...
What you think?

What is going on?

This one time,
I tried to wait up all night

to catch Santa Claus, right?

You know how they tell you

you got to put the cookies
and the milk out?

I don't really be
telling nobody this,

but I like to sleep
with the fan on,

even when it's chilly outside.

All about that white noise,
baby.

Stop.
Stop talking, Marshawn Lynch.

Did you see anything
after the van crashed?

Yes or no?

Nope. Like I told you,
I was just eating my quesadilla.

Have I talked to y'all
about my pizza-dilla invention?

Yes, well, I have
other matters to attend to.

So, Detective Diaz,
just take down everything.

Mr. Lynch has to say.

Captain...

You think he'll let me
shoot his gun?

Jake, look.

You think it's our guys?

Maybe. But this is New York,

so there's a very strong chance
it's just "city blood."

- NYPD! Freeze!
- Freeze!

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the precinct

escaped convict number one!

Terry, where's the music?
That was the cue.

I didn't have that Queen song
on my phone.

I wasn't gonna pay $1.99 for it.

Nice work, man. You can
put your perp in holding

with the other three convicts.

- Wait. Other three?
- Yeah.

Santiago and Boyle
brought them in.

That's right. It's three to one.

Guess you won't be needing this
anymore

since you'll be moving in
with me.

- My towel.
- Yeah, your towel.

Why won't it burn?

Because it never fully dries.

The towel lives, and so do we!

Hey, Santiago, how did you guys

catch three perps so quickly?

They weren't even close
to each other.

Given the magnitude
of the situation,

we were given full access to any
and all department resources.

That's right.
We took a little trip

down to the tactical supply
armory.

No, you did not!

Thermal imaging, baby.

Thermal imaging baby?

Very handy in fugitive hunting.

Also...

I got this Flo-Tech
performance polo

with moisture-wicking
technology.

Kept me dry all morning.

And a dry is a smart boy.

Ugh, he keeps saying that.

Charles, you've gotten
negative reactions

from everyone who's heard it.

I needed to see
what Jake thought.

- Oh, I hated it.
- Really?

Anyway, gentlemen, we are off
to catch some more convicts.

Two more, and we win.

Huh, just two?

No sweat.

Literally.

Get out of here. Take those
glass cutters with you.

Oh, these lil' ol' things?

- Tsst.
- What?

Why'd you put your finger
in the middle?

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
I was wondering if you could

answer some questions
about the car accident

you witnessed this morning.

[speaking foreign language}.

- What's she trying to tell us?
- I don't know.

Probably
"Never meet your heroes,

'cause they're gonna turn out
to be friendly."

You need to get over this.

Marshawn Lynch situation
real quick.

Now, we just have to figure out

what language she's speaking
so we can find a translator.

Here, ma'am.

Take a look
at this map of the world.

You just keep one of those
on you?

Of course. In case
I ever need to prove my point

in an argument.

- Laos.
- Fine!

Oh, it was better than fine.

It was Laos.

- Mm.
- So, where are you from?

Where did you grow up?

Where were you born?

What are you miming there, sir?

A child tying his tie.

Uh-huh. I'm trying to do
a simple Half Windsor

so she knows I'm a baby.

Look at this.
See how basic this knot is?

I love these thermal goggles.

Amy, listen to me
very carefully.

If you and Jake are thinking
of trying,

you are ovulating like crazy
right now.

You take that helmet off
before I knock it off.

What? Your basal temperature
is off the charts.

This is a good thing.

Boyle!

NYPD! Get down!

Freeze!

Aah! The room's hot.
I'm blowing out.

This way. Come on.

Oh, come on! Where did you guys
even come from?

Your nightmares.

Hey, Amy, allow me to introduce
you to Big Bertha.

Okay, I guess I'm not worth
introducing to your truck.

That's right, y'all.
We went to Homeland Security.

Yep, this beauty comes fully
equipped with thermal imaging,

a satellite link-up,
and she plugs in

to every surveillance camera
in the city.

And she's also got
a holding cell,

which is big enough
for three perps.

Jake, counting this guy,
how many perps have we caught

and placed
in the three-perp perp cell?

Well, Sarge,
we've placed three perps

in the three-perp perp cell.

So, the three-perp perp cell's
full?

Full of three perps
is the three-perp perp cell.

Okay, stop saying "perps"
and "cell" and "three."

You sound irritated.
What's the score now?

Are you guys still ahead?
Let me just check.

Oh, drone! Little help?

Yeah, I can't read that score.
What does it say?

Anyway, I'm sure you're tracking
whatever the score is.

All right, thank you, drone.
That'll be all.

Whoop!
Didn't see the tree there.

Big Bertha has a drone.
That's what's important.

What are you trying to tell us?

Is this some kind of a clue?

Draw better.
We have no idea what this is.

- I think it's a cookie.
- No. It's a pizza.

It's a cookie pizza!

Another case solved.

No. Detectives, we...

Shh shh shh. Let them go.

She's taking us somewhere.
This is good. This is good.

We're gonna crack this, Diaz.

Nope. She just needed
to take a dump.

Okay, satellite images showed

one of the two remaining
convicts entered this building.

If we catch him, that's five.
I win the bet.

Amy moves in with me.
I lord it over her.

She's miserable.
We live happily ever after.

It's fool-proof.

There's got to be 30 floors
in this building.

It'll take forever
to sweep the whole place.

Nuh-uh. We can use Big Bertha

to tap into the security
cameras.

Ohh.

Okay. This room is clear,
but check that closet.

Man, this is like playing
the coolest video game ever.

My character is Terry.

- It's locked.
- Ooh, kick it down.

Front kick! Front kick!

- All clear.
- Now strafe. Strafe!

I don't know what that means.

- Barrel roll. Duck.
- Duck?

Just tell me where to go, man.

Wait a minute.
Slide one of your feet forward.

Now switch.

Now punch both your fists
forward at the same time.

Are you making me do
the running man?

Yeah. The original one.

Excluding the movie.

And Stephen King's
classic short story.

So, the third iteration.

I'm going off on my own.

He has sentience.

It's "Westworld."

Oh, wait a minute, Sarge.
I don't have eyes on that room.

Hang on. I'll find it.

Oh, no. Sarge, just hang on.
I'm coming for you.

Drop the weapon.

- You drop your weapon.
- Okay, stay cool.

We can work this out. I'm
a trained hostage negotiator.

I got my friend's sperm back
from his ex-wife last year.

Well, she destroyed half of it,
and he decided to adopt, but...

- Peralta!
- Right. Sorry.

What do you want?

You let me walk out of this
building and get into a car.

If anyone tries to stop me...
Got him.

Oh, well, you know, I think
that makes it four to four.

No. No. You don't get credit
for this guy.

I was in the middle
of negotiating,

and he was about to give up...
Tell him, guy.

No, I was probably gonna
kill him,

then let you kill me.

Oh, my God. I should've been
way more scared.

Well, there's just one convict
left.

Whoever finds him wins.

Yeah.
I guess you could say he's...

the Golden Snitch.

Wait. Was that
a "Harry Potter" reference?

It most definitely was.
I started reading them

'cause you love them so much.
And?

You were right.
They're incredible.

Remember when I called in sick
the other day?

I was at home reading
"Order of the Phoenix."

Oh, this makes me so happy!

How sad is it when Cedric dies?

I was crushed.

Literally crying on the toilet.

Aww.

Guys. The fugitive. The bet?

Right.

I'm gonna catch
this last fugitive,

win the bet, and then we're
gonna live together

for the rest
of our relationship.

Just you and me
and towel makes three.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool.

Just so you know,
at the end of the sixth book,

Snape kills...

La-la-la-la-! No spoilies!

Terry, let's go.

It really sounds Slavic.

Does anyone here know
any Slavic languages?

Oh, I'm great at languages.
Watch this.

Hello! I am Hitchcock!

Thank you
for the cookie-pizza idea!

I believe it was
human rights leader Abdala

who once said "When the choir
shouts the loudest",

the most powerful one is
silent."

That doesn't even make
any sense.

Well, I might have paraphrased
it incorrectly.

But allow me
to introduce to you Rob.

Rob, come on in.

He called the tip line.

But he's so...
not crazy-looking.

Rosa, have Abdala and I
taught you nothing

about stereotyping?

I'm beginning to feel

like you're our biggest project,
sweetie.

That's enough.
What did he tell you?

Well, let's find out, okay?
Together.

Rob, do you want to share
your experience with the group?

Gladly.

Okay, so, you know how
there's a subterranean race

of lizard-people living
beneath the city

who control our minds
with their pheromones?

Okay, he's a wackadoodle.

Gina, get your wackadoodle
out of here.

It's been two hours,
and nothing on the last guy.

He's gonna get away.

Where are you, number nine?

Think. If I was an escaped
murderer, where would I hide?

Where?

Oh, I have no idea.
I just thought if I gasped

I could force an epiphany.

And I did.

No, that didn't work either.

Or did it? Still no.

- Unless...
- Stop it, Jake!

Well, Marshawn Lynch
will not leave your office.

He has now pulled up one
of those wedding proposal

viral videos on his phone
and is crying.

What did I do to deserve this?

Well, I haven't fared
any better.

She keeps drawing
her stupid circle pictures

and then running off
to the bathroom.

We get it.
You have a bum-tum. Yes.

Ugh! You think you guys
have it rough.

I've been stuck here
listening to crazy Rob

spew his insane garbage.

What happened to your
positive attitude, Abdala?

Don't even say that name,
all right?

I tweeted him and got nothing.

Meanwhile, Rob tweets him
some crap about lizard-people,

he's like, "Oh, retweet,
oh, fave" everything.

I just told him I saw
one of them

slip back into his lizard home
under the streets.

That's where they make
their soup.

Oh, my God. He's onto something.

Captain, don't try to be nice

by giving a crazy person
a voice.

Plus, we've already learned
that human rights are crap.

No, he said that the
lizard-people live

under the streets.

He means the sewers.
He saw someone go

from the van into the sewers.

Look.

It's a manhole cover.

Peralta, Santiago?

- Yeah, we're here.
- Us too, Captain.

We have a lead.
One of our witnesses saw

the last convict,
George Gessilnick, the murderer,

go down into a manhole
and escape into the sewer

near the crash site.

Copy that. We're on it.

Yeah, so are we.
We're also on it.

♪

Whoop! Back it up a little bit.

Forward.

Back.

Forward.

Back.

Forward.

Back.

Forward.

And we're good to go.

Oh, almost clipped the mailbox.

Heh. Close call.

Please let this muck be water.
Please let this muck be water.

I won't be able to hug Nicolaj
for a month.

He doesn't have all his shots
yet.

Shh. I think I heard something.

I can't believe Leonardo lived
in this.

I mean, Michelangelo I get.
He's kind of a sloppy dude.

But Leo is so fastidious.
Jake, shut up.

Sarge, we're in a sewer.

I'm goin'st to talk
about the Turtles.

No, Jake. Shut up.
I hear something.

NYPD! Freeze!

NYPD! Keep your hands
where we can see them.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law.

You have the right
to an attorney.

If you cannot afford
an attorney,

one will be appointed for you.

Why did you stop?

I'm done. You win.

W-what?

I love you. I want to move in
to your apartment.

Really?

I love you too.

Oh, my God,
what a beautiful moment.

And, you guys,
Amy's ovulating as we speak!

- What?
- Charles!

All right, head to the back.
You're going to jail.

Hey.

I don't get it. Why did you
decide to let me win?

I don't know.
When we were back there

racing through
the Miranda Rights,

I just looked over at you
and thought,

"You're awesome.

And you're good
at doing things."

I mean, sure, I'll miss towel,
but your happiness is worth

way more than winning
some stupid bet.

- Are you sure about this?
- Oh, yeah.

Your apartment is better than
mine in every way imaginable.

You want to know
what my first thought was

when we dropped into the sewer?

"Smells like home."

He's lying, Amy.

His first thought was
about the Ninja Turtles.

Come on, Terry.
We were in a sewer.

He's gon'sta think
about the Turtles.

Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry.

Quit being such a Malfoy.
Yeah, Terry.

Guys, we have a problem.

He's not our convict.

What?
The guy in the orange jumpsuit

that we found hiding
in the sewer is not our convict?

He's our van driver.

A man came to me last week.

He told me I had to help
Gessilnick escape from jail.

He had pictures of my family.

He said he'd kill them
if I didn't help.

So, I crashed the van,
and Gessilnick took my clothes.

But then where's the guy
we thought was the van driver?

He vanished. George Gessilnick,

posing as a Department
of Corrections driver,

was taken to the hospital,

where he escaped some hours
later.

He's highly dangerous,
probably armed,

and could be anywhere.

Detective Diaz has
some background information

to help in the search.

So this is one scary dude.

We don't have
a complete rap sheet on him

because he's had
so many aliases,

but we know he's killed
at least five people.

He's been in the system
since he was 11.

That's when he stole $4,000
from his foster family

and burned their house down.

Wait a minute.
This is the foster family?

- Yeah. Why?
- Did you see

who the brother is?

I need to get a message
to somebody.

This is very important. Tell him
Jake Peralta wants to see him.

I'm not after him.
I just need his help.

Hello?

I followed all your rules.

I'm unarmed.
I'm not wearing a wire.

I came alone. There's no backup.

Come on, man. I need your help
to take down your brother.

Doug Judy. The Pontiac Bandit.

Hey, baby.

Nice legs.

Why are you in your boxers?

So you would know
I'm not wearing a wire.

Your buddy Scott said I had to.

Oh, that makes sense.
Scott's a perv.

Hey, Scott,
wherever you're watching from,

go home!

Sorry, man.

So, what's so important?

I'm looking
for your foster brother, George.

Hate the guy. Stole from my mom,

burned our house down.

Worst of all, he ran off

with my LP of Phil Collins'
"No Jacket Required."

It's my favorite album.

Haven't heard it in 20 years.

I mean,
can't you just stream it?

Can't do that to Phil.
"Sussudio" demands vinyl.

Right. Vinyl and whatnot.
Okay, well,

George is a murderer now
and he just escaped from prison.

We think he might be trying
to flee the country.

You want me to help you
catch him?

Like when X-men teamed up
with Magneto

to stop Apocalypse.

- I heard that one was bad.
- Wasn't great.

- I still want to see it though.
- I'd watch it again.

- So, does that mean you're in?
- Course I am.

Damn, it feels good
to be on the same team for once.

A cop and a criminal working
together.

We need a theme song.

♪ The Pontiac Bandit
and Jake the cop ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Taking down crooks

♪ In the streets
where they live ♪

♪ Flirting with girls
who are hot for the badge ♪

♪ There's a talking police dog
that helps them solve crime ♪

You gave him full immunity?
Are you insane?

You told me to cut a deal.

I thought you'd maybe drop
charges on one or two felonies.

But do you know how many crimes
we're forgiving?

- Six...
- That's not so bad.

- Hundred!
- Oh, that's way more.

"Grand theft auto.
Grand theft auto.

Grand theft auto. Dog fraud."

I sold a guy a fake Pekinese.

'Twas a cat.

You will not win me over
with your use of "'twas."

'Twasn't trying to.

You're clearly friends
with this man,

and you've lost
your objectivity, Peralta.

Or have you lost
your objectivity?

What are you doing?

My bad.
I thought we were leaving.

No. I'm just
making a point here. Sit down.

Look, sir.
There's a triple-murderer

loose in Brooklyn, and it's
our job to bring him in,

even if that means forgiving
a guy who stole some cars,

and, yes,
sold a few cats as dogs.

More than a few.

Weird how many people
fell for that.

Plus, his deal is conditional.

If Judy doesn't lead us
to his brother,

he doesn't get immunity.

Look, Cap,
I want to see George behind bars

as much as you do.

I hate my brother.

You can relate to that,
right, sir?

Remember how furious you got

that time your sister ended
an email with "thx"

instead of "thanks"?

Why would you bring that up?

- It seemed pertinent.
- Fine.

Let's see where this leads.

Dismissed.

So we don't know
if anybody helped George Judy

escape from this hospital.

Security cameras show him
entering this courtyard,

but never coming back out.

The dude just vanished.

Ugh. Terry hates hospitals.

They reek of death.

Ahem.

Oh, not you, ma'am.

You reek of life.

Maybe he went up the wall

like this.

Never mind. It's not possible.

You sure?

Damn, Rosa! How did you do that?

I have a dark past.

Now you know my deepest shame.

Cool.
Well, now that I saw you do it,

I get how to do it too.

Ooh, damn, Terry.

Hey, guys. Guess what.

To thank you for being
such good friends,

I picked up a big old basket
of muffins.

Follow me.

- Come on!
- I got all kinds of muffins!

Blueberry muffins,
poppy seed muffins,

banana nut muffins,
chocolate chip...

Ooh, wait, there are no muffins.

What's happening now?

How's it feel
being lied to, Huh?

I mean, I'm okay.
I wasn't really that invested

- in the muffins.
- I was.

You guys thought you could
keep a secret from me?

Well, I know everything.

Hitchcock left his phone
in the bathroom again,

and guess what I found on it.

I needed the cash.
I didn't know they'd be filming.

Text chains.
Dozens of text chains.

And I'm not on any of them.

Take a look at this board.

There's an Amy-Gina-Terry-
Hitchcock-Rosa-Jake chain.

There's a Hitchcock-Terry-
Amy-Rosa Chain.

There's even a Hitchcock-Gina-
Scully chain.

I mean, what the hell
happens on that?

Well, we mostly just exchange
"Game of Thrones" theories.

The little guy is gonna
marry a dragon.

We think.

Well, one thing's for sure:

Charles Boyle...

is off the chains.

I'm sorry.

We only excluded
you because you're kind of...

an over-texter.

Over-texter?
That's not even a thing.

Oh really? So you don't
remember the time

you sent 97 unanswered texts
in a five-minute span?

My phone vibrated itself
off the desk.

I think it was
committing suicide.

It's okay. This isn't the
first time I've been left out.

At camp,
nobody would be friends with me.

I had to hang out
with the lunch ladies.

After summer ended, they never
replied to any of my letters.

Oh, this is really sad.

There's just no muffins at all.

- Kaboom!
- What's this?

That is the art auction

that George Judy will be robbing
tonight.

- Why is it so sticky?
- I was eating sour straws.

It's crazy that's what you're
choosing to focus on.

Doug Judy came through for us.

That's what George is after:

A bejeweled egg
worth $20 million.

That's a nice egg, but how
do you know he'll be there?

Doug's boy Parker said
he kept asking about the place.

And what does this Parker do?

You know, I don't know.
I can't really recall.

Some sort of auto-industry
professional.

Maybe, like, a car thief
or some such whatnot.

Oh, I see. So the only thing
we have to go on is

the word of one
of your criminal friends?

Criminals?
That's how you see us?

Is it a crime to steal bread
to feed your family?

Or to sell some weed
so you can buy video games?

Or to steal video games
because you smoked all that weed

you were supposed to sell?
Yes, all of those are crimes.

- Damn. Even the bread one?
- Especially the bread one.

But since this is the only lead
you have,

go do something with it.

Oh, we'll go do something
with it.

We'll go do something
with the hell out of it.

♪ Woop-woop
that's the sound of da police ♪

♪ Woop-woop
that's the sound of da beast ♪

♪ Woop-woop
that's the sound of da police ♪

No, no, no.

He's not a cop.

He can't be wearing any of this.

It's just a windbreaker.

It's not like I gave him
a badge and a gun.

Uh, he has both of those things.
It's not loaded.

I just want to cock it
and say a cool cop catch phrase.

New York's finest
just got a whole lot finer.

Give me that.

I'm putting myself on this case.

All right, Captain.

Looks like New York's finest
just got a whole lot...

- Let's go!
- All right.

♪ Woop-woop
that's the sound of da police ♪

Whoo. Okay.

How do I look? Like I'm about to
buy a bunch of expensive art?

Hell, yeah.
And not just paintings either.

You look statue rich.

I didn't know
we'd have to valet.

Perhaps I shouldn't
have brought Gertie.

Who's Gertie?

That foxy little she-devil
we just drove here in.

Gertie? No, man.

A car's gotta have a sexy name,
like Brooke,

or Tiffany, or Sandra,
or Candice.

Yeah, or Suzie, or Dana,
or Karen.

Oh, no, wait.
That's my mom's name.

Why did I say my mom's name?
Ugh.

The sight of another man inside
her makes me sick.

Yeah. I dislike
this conversation very much.

Treat her gently!

You know that's not
a nice car, right?

Say that again.

Damn, Cap. Be cool.

Say that again.

That's what I thought.

I'll be in the venue.

- Come on, Boyle.
- What's this about?

Look, if you're leading me
to some sort

of big surprise apology
where everyone's there

and you all want me to join
your stupid text chains,

I am 100% in.

These last 24 hours
have just been hell.

Oh, it's just my former lover.
Hello, sister.

Ugh, I hate when you say
those things back-to-back.

- Here.
- You took my phone?

Yeah. I had to delete
your GIF keyboard

and your three
"Property Brothers" emoji apps.

Wait. Did you delete them
because...

Yeah.
You're on the office text chain.

Are you serious?
This is amazing.

Yeah, well I was totally
against it,

but Amy felt bad
because you seemed so pathetic.

- Don't say that.
- It worked!

I mean, your little camp story.

Was the saddest childhood
memory I've ever heard,

and I've listened to Amy
talking about attending

"the crossing guard's jamboree."

That was fun!
We were directing traffic

in the hotel hallways.

People were freaking out.

Mm-hmm. Just don't make us
regret this.

I won't. I swear I won't.

I gotta tell my dad.

I know you weren't
on board with this,

but look how happy we made him.

- And at no cost to our...
- oh.

- And here it comes.
- No.

- That was just one...
- uh-oh.

I bet he's just getting it

- out of his system.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm sure he'll be brief.

Apparently the Tsar of Russia
gave that bejeweled egg

to his girlfriend as a present.

I've never gotten a
bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.

Well, I highly doubt our
murderer is gonna show up here.

Doug Judy said he's be here,
and I believe him.

Cap, got some hors d'oeuvres.

I don't know what you like,
so I guessed:

The radishes they put
on the side for decoration?

Mmm, thank you.
Cut into a flower?

Where are we, Las Vegas?

Guys, look over there
by the hallway.

See the woman in the red?

I think that's my brother's
girlfriend, Fran.

I don't want her
to recognize me.

Does she have a scar
on her left cheek?

Maybe.
What's the shape of the scar?

- Just a general slash shape.
- Oh, darn.

I've been reading a lot
of "Harry Potter" lately,

and I was hoping
for something more fun.

Okay, I'll head towards her.

You go around back in case
she makes a break for it.

She's on the move.

Excuse me, ma'am. Oh.

- No, please stop.
- Freeze. NYPD.

- What's going on?
- No scar. It's not Fran.

Then why was she running?

Because a strange guy started
following me to the bathroom.

Right. Because men are horrible

and the world is a nightmare.
Yeah.

- Oh, no. Where's Doug Judy?
- Where we left him. Why?

Scarface Fran is a ruse.

He wanted us out of there
so he can help his brother

steal the egg!

Check it out.
Shot glasses of soup.

Oh, you wondering how I got
the whole tray?

Charmed it right out of her

♪ hands

You want some soup?

- This where you been all day?
- Yep. Just looking for clues.

Trying to see how
George Judy escaped.

- You're pretty sweaty.
- Terry runs hot.

Terry runs hot.

You're trying to see if you
can do that wall climb,

- aren't you?
- Yeah.

And I can't. I'm old.

Because you can't parkour
up a wall?

It's everything.

The TV's always too quiet.

I don't like how baggy
basketball shorts are.

I even shook my fist at some
skateboarders the other day.

- Oof.
- And there's something worse.

Way, way worse.

♪

Terry needs reading glasses.

- It's not that bad, Sarge.
- Yes, it is!

I used to be "Batman."

Now I'm his dad.

His dumb, weak,
getting shot at the opera dad.

Okay, auction over.

I can't believe you thought
Doug Judy

was tricking us
so he could steal the egg.

If anyone was stealing any eggs,
it was you

'cause you have egg
all over your face.

Is that why you've been so
quiet these last four minutes?

You had to think of that?
Mmhmm. Was it worth it?

- Hell, yeah.
- Ah, venomous burn.

Suck out the poison.

Wow.

He may not have been
pulling something back there,

but both of you were wrong
about George Judy.

He never showed.
We wasted a day,

and if anyone has egg
on their faces, it's you two.

Doug Egg and Egg Peralta.

That's actually kind of
a dope name.

What's going on out there?

Hey, Jake Peralta, NYPD.
What happened here?

Somebody knocked out
the valet, stole all the cars.

Every single one.
So George was here.

He wasn't after the egg,
he was after the cars.

Well, looks like Doug Judy was
right after all, huh, Captain?

Why aren't you saying anything?

Is it because you're so
embarrassed for being wrong?

Gertie!

♪ What a big bomb,
the Captain's car is gone ♪

Shut up! Shut up!

I don't get it.
Why would George Judy

steal all these cars
and not the egg?

Easier to sell
if you're in a hurry.

Plus these are
some valuable vehicles.

- Bugatti, Ferrari...
- Gertie.

I don't think Gertie
was a prime target, sir.

Do you know how much
custom work there was on her?

I disabled the FM function
from the radio.

The guy said, "Oh, you can
just not use it,"

but I said, "Ugh,
I'll always know it's there."

Boom. Shelby Cobra 427SC.

That's a million dollars
on four wheels, baby.

That's what George is after.

How do we even know
George did it?

I mean, nobody saw him.

But there was a prolific car
thief at the scene of the crime.

You talking about me?
I'm a cop now.

- No, you're not.
- Then why do I have a badge

and a gun?

The thin blue line
just got thick as hell.

- Give me that!
- Come on, Judy.

It's not loaded.

Look, if I was gonna jack
a bunch of cars,

I would bring two of New York's
best detectives with me

to the scene of the crime.

- Aww, you think we're the best?
- Flattery won't work on us.

- What?
- This is nonsense.

- You're off the case.
- Whoa, whoa, sir. Come on.

We're chasing a murderer.

A murderer that just stole
a ton of cars.

Who knows more about that world
than Doug Judy?

Plus remember,
he doesn't get immunity

unless he helps us
bring his brother in.

I know, but...

Do you want to get back
Gertie or not?

- Fine. He's still on the case.
- Ah!

♪ The Pontiac Bandit
and Jake are cops ♪

♪ With their wise-cracking
Captain along for the ride ♪

♪ They'll have adventures
wherever they go ♪

♪ The talking dog
flies in outer space ♪

♪ Arf, arf, arf,
fly, fly, fly, fly dog ♪

- ♪ Arf, arf, arf
both: ♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly dog

♪ Arf, arf, arf,
fly, fly, fly, fly dog ♪

Okay, Charles,
I was you on this text chain.

I really do,
but since you joined yesterday,

you have sent 71 texts.

The rest of the group
collectively has sent two.

You know, honestly,
I'd rather get hit by a bus

than get one more text
from you, Charles.

Fine. I've been kicked out
of things before.

At camp, I found a slam book

that the lunch ladies
had written about me.

I'm sorry, Charles,
but there is no story

sad enough to save you now.

Challenge accepted.

Once, as a tween,
I got my penis entirely...

Okay, stop! No, no, no, no, no.

Our plan was just to teach you
to text better.

You know, a lot of people
like the way I text.

Look, if you can't accept me
for who I am,

then I don't need this chain.
Okay, great.

No, no, no,
I need to be included so badly.

I'll do whatever you say.
I literally have zero pride.

And that's what I like to hear.

Oh, Charles.

Okay, so you guys
are rich Europeans

looking to buy a Shelby.
I'll make the introductions.

Wait,
we can't just be Europeans.

What country are we from?
What languages do you speak?

French, Spanish,
some Portuguese.

Obviously Greek,
enough Flemish to get by.

Tight. What about you, Peralta?

Um, I can do
a pretty good Italian accent.

"You think you could milk me?"

So you're just doing De Niro
from "Meet the Parents?"

I don't know, am I?

- That's a terrible De Niro.
- I don't know.

- This is De Niro.
- I think it's pretty good.

- Mine's better.
- It's pretty good.

- We'll just make you American.
- Okay.

- Griff.
- Hey, Doug Judy.

- Hey.
- What can I do for you?

Hey, did my brother stop by?

I heard he jacked some nice
cars, and I might have a buyer.

This is Maxime Dubois,
international millionaire.

- Bonjour.
- He doesn't speak any English.

This is his lawyer,
Carl Mangerson.

Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Maxine wants to buy
a Shelby Cobra.

I hear George might have one.

He just dropped off a few cars,

but he didn't say anything
about no Cobra.

I mostly deal
with scrap and crap, you know?

Son of a bitch.

Hey, hey, is everything
all right here, Maxime?

You're speaking good English.

Eh, just a few phrases he
picked up from movies and such.

He's disappointed.
He really wanted that Cobra.

You know the French,
so passionate,

even their skunks. Pepé Le Pew.

It doesn't matter; I'm a lawyer.
No further comments.

Do you know where George is?

Maybe I can do business
with him myself.

- Gertie!
- What?

Uh, that was French for...

"I gotta make a phone call."

He's gotta make a phone call.

Frenchmens...

You can't bring them anywhere.

So if George went
over that wall,

he would have been caught
on a security camera across...

Whatcha eating there, Sarge?
Cream of Wheat.

It's easy to chew,
and it keeps you regular.

It's a favorite dish
of the elderly.

Stop freaking out about this.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
"I'm young at heart."

No, you are super old at heart.

You always have been.
You love yogurt.

You volunteer
at your polling place.

You refuse to deposit
your checks at an ATM.

It's a machine.
I don't trust it.

I get what you're saying,

but at least I used to be
a prime physical specimen.

Dude, you have, like,
1% body fat.

Now I'm at 1.8. I'm fat.

I'm a fat, bald old man.

- You shave your head.
- Yeah, Rosa.

Vin Diesel and I shave our heads

because we think it looks good.

Okay, you obviously
want to sit here

feeling sorry for yourself,
but we have work to do.

So, I don't know,
why don't I get you a wheelchair

and a box of diapers.
The wheelchair!

That's how he escaped.
He dressed up like an old lady.

That orderly is pushing him out.

He did have an accomplice.

I'm gonna find this bastard.

I don't need this anymore.

I should take my jacket, though.

I mean, it's January.
I ain't crazy.

Oh, Gertie.

♪

Psst. George is here.

He's out back.
Let's go. Right now.

NYPD, don't move!

Crap, he's getting away!

All right.

We can run right through it.
These suits are fire-resistant.

These suits are not
fire-resistant.

They're not?
Then why are they so expensive?

Bye, Peralta.

No! Judy!

Both Judys! Judys!

Oh, I can't believe this!

I really thought I could trust
Doug Judy this time.

I kept telling you not to,
but you wouldn't listen.

You were too busy
singing your songs

and planning trips
to Niagara Falls.

We just said neither of us
had ever been.

There were no hard plans.

Look, it's humiliating.

Doug Judy thought he could
manipulate me, and he could.

I feel like I'm a terrible cop.

Wow, I really thought
you were going to chime in

with something supportive there.

We have to go.

Captain?

Okay, Charles.
This is your final exam.

We're gonna show you a text

and then two
potential responses.

You need to tell us
which is more appropriate.

Amy writes,
"Leaving the virgin festival... ".

- Gina,
- "Be there in ten minutes."

Do you reply,

"I'll be counting down
the seconds.

"600, 599, 598, JK, LOL,

"597, 596, smiley face,
smiley face,

cat smiley, thumbs up."

Or, "Okay."

It's a trick question.
The text requires no response.

Charles Boyle, welcome back
to the Nine-Nine text chain.

Yes! We should call it
the Nine-Nine party line

I'll rename the thread. Charles.

Sorry. I'll be better.
I'll be better.

There's the car.
How'd you know they'd be here?

Detective's intuition.

Okay, fine. We went to Dave
and Buster's together

and got separated,
so we turned on Find My Friends.

♪

The stairs are in the back.

Looking for us?

Put your guns down,
turn around slowly.

What the hell, Judy?
I thought we were friends.

I don't know why
you thought that.

'Cause you kept saying we were.

We had hard plans
to go to Niagara Falls.

So, bro, you friends
with this cop?

Nah. This thirsty-ass bitch

is just desperate for attention.

Thirsty-ass bitch?

Okay, Captain, now I know you're
going to step in and defend me.

Well, you were begging me
to compliment you earlier.

Oh, my God. This is
the worst day of my life.

Where's Charles?
So, if you're not friends,

you won't mind
if I waste him, right?

Of course he minds.
I mean, sure, we're enemies,

but in, like, a playful way,
like Tom and Jerry.

Oh, my God.
Was Tom trying to eat Jerry?

My whole life is a lie.
Shoot him.

No, no, no.
Those can't be my last words.

Uh, ay caramba.

What the hell?

Whoops. Looks like somebody
forgot to put bullets

- in his brother's gun.
- Aha!

I knew you didn't betray me.

I said that accusatorily,
but I'm very happy.

♪ Doug Judy and Peralta
and Captain on the case ♪

♪ Joke's on you,
they was always friends ♪

♪ Now I'ma get my immunity ♪

♪ The ghost of the talking dog
haunts the precinct ♪

The talking dog died. Aww, man.

I know; It was
a bummer note to end on.

- You got our orderly.
- Turns out he really didn't

work at the hospital,

but he left his print behind

in the room
where he stole the scrubs.

It didn't take long
to track him down.

Whoa.
With that and the wheelchair,

that's some pretty nice
police work, Sarge.

I know.

You know, my muscles
might not be as strong

as when I was young,
but one's stronger:

My big, beefy brain.

Now if you will excuse me,
I have to process...

David Willis.

Aww, you got a little necklace
for your glasses.

I had to. I almost lost them
last night during "Wheel."

Hey, Rosa. Have a hard candy.

Terry is embracing his age.

I just got off the phone
with the DA.

And for aiding in the capture
of George Judy,

you have officially
been granted immunity

from all your past crimes.

- So I'm a free man?
- Mm.

Nope, still smells the same.

I'm sorry that I doubted you,

but you did drive off with the
guy that we were chasing.

Had to. I saw he was
about to get away,

so I tricked him into thinking
I was on his side.

It's crazy how good I am
at your job.

Look, I owe you both an apology.

Doug Judy,
I underestimated your honesty.

And, Peralta,
I underestimated your instincts.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
a lot more from you than that.

Fine. You're a good cop...

even if you are
a thirst-ass bitch.

Wow. Okay.

Solved a pretty intense murder,
and just crap all over me.

Hey, Captain, got you a little
something-something.

- Gertie?
- Nope.

But she is the exact same make,
model, and color.

Oh, my God, you stole this.

I can't be driving a stolen...
Relax, man.

I bought it at a used car lot
for, like, $600.

This is not a nice vehicle.
Yeah, it's not.

And by the way,
her name's not Gertie.

It's Sexarella.

Hello, Sexarella.

So, what's next for you,
Doug Judy?

I'm turning over a new leaf.

Gonna live that honest life.

Maybe open up a bakery,

buy a little house,
invest in my retirement.

You're gonna go back
to stealing cars immediately,

aren't you?
That's very much on the table.

- Yeah.
- And when you do...

I'll be there to stop you.
No, you won't.

- Yes, I will.
- No, you won't.

- Yes, I will.
- I'm gonna miss you, man.

- I'm gonna miss you, brother.
- Good-bye, little Fievel.

Good-bye, Papa.

- Cool. All right, peace out.
- Uh-huh.

- It was good to see you.
- Good to see you, man.

Hey, you guys,
I thought of a funny response

to Terry's text from earlier.

Would you mind taking a look
before I hit send?

Charles, you've trained
for this moment, okay?

We trust you. Just send it.

Come here. Good job.

- All right, I'm gonna do it.
- Mm-hmm.

Way to go, Cha...

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

Fremulon.