All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 04x02

- Greg.
- Larry.

What's going on?

Any idea why Marshal Haas

called this special meeting?

I don't know.

Do you think she saw the video
we put on the Internet

to lure Jimmy Figgis down here?

"Corn Dog pewwwnd by Go Kart."

It's "pwned,"
but that was really adorable.

Well, if she has,

it would ruin our entire plan.

Here she comes.

- Gentlemen.
- What's up?

So how's it going?

It's good. It's really good.

Uh, keeping a low prof.

No contact with Brooklyn.

No one's questioned
our identities.

Definitely staying off the Net,

right, Greg?

- Right.
- That's it?

That's all you have to say
to me?

Yep, I think we're good.

So nobody's going to ask me
how I'm doing?

Oh, I didn't think this was
a personal conversation.

It's not; Turn back around
and watch the movie.

This is official business.

I was just testing you,

because Greg is the kind of
person who cares

about his friends and can sense
when something is off with them.

Is something off with you,
Marshal Haas?

I don't know.

I mean, I met someone, okay,

and, um...

I mean, it's not my husband,

I mean, nothing's happened yet,
but...

My entire body is on fire.

He's Cuban.

Is this still official business?

Of course it is.

Shut up and watch the movie.
Yep.

Pop quiz.

If Larry were married
and everything was fine,

and I mean, honestly,
everything is totally fine.

Sure.

But he knew that one night

with this person could give him
everything he needed

for the rest of his life.

- Would he do it?
- Yes?

Yes? Good.

What if this person that Larry
met was young?

I mean, really young.

Well, I don't think Larry
would do anything illegal.

You know, it seems to me

Larry has needs

and deserves to have
those needs...

met.

Greg, you're really great
at being undercover.

You both passed the test.

Marco! Vamanos!

♪

Guys, guys,

the marshal gave me good news
about Jake.

Jake's back. Jake's back!

Oh, we're not ready.
We need gummy worms.

We need them now!

No, Charles.

Jake is still wherever he is,

but since it's been six months,

the marshal is letting me write
a one-page letter to Jake

which she will read to him
and then set on fire.

Is there anything you guys
want me to write?

You have to tell Jake about
my new son, Nikolaj.

That he's four years old,

he's from Latvia,

he calls me "comrade,"

and I love him so much.

Will do.

Rosa, anything you want
to tell Jake?

Yeah. Tell him I said...

You want me to write
that you nodded slightly?

He'll know what it means.

I would like you to tell Jacob

that I'm thinking about him
and hoping that he's safe.

What? Meet the new Gina,

who always puts others
before herself.

Can you make the whole letter
about me doing that?

Yeah, I'll just tell him that
everything's exactly the same.

Guys, briefing room,
five minutes.

We're getting a new captain.

Again!

Hello, Larry.

It's your neighbor, Greg.

Can I try your hot tub out?

I'm thinking of getting one.

Of course, that's a totally
normal thing to do

in 100 degree weather.

Come on in and hop in the tub.

Thank you.

We need to talk without
being overheard.

Turn on the bubbles.

You got it.

Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis
saw our video.

How do you know?

A man with a thick
New Jersey accent

called the Fun Zone,

asking to meet the guys
from "the corn dog video."

Figgis is coming to kill us.

We should call the Nine-Nine
for backup.

Oh, absolutely not.

That might alert the marshals.

We can take Figgis and his
men down on our own.

Right.

Okay.

Let's go arm up.

Figgis has no idea
what's about to hit him.

Also it probably goes
without saying,

but it's chill to whiz
in this thing.

I mean, I have been.
You can if you want.

I haven't been if you haven't.

Have you? I haven't.

Have you?

We can't just waltz in there

and buy whatever we want.

They'll do a federal
background check

on Greg Stickney
and Larry Sherbert,

and that will set off alarms
in the marshal's office.

No, we'll have to bribe
the gun store owner

so he doesn't run our names.

But we don't have any money.

Oh, my God.

I'm the bribe, aren't I?

You're not the bribe.

Why, what's wrong with my body?

Actually I borrowed $3,000

from my walking group
friend Ruth.

Ruth, I'm going to be
straight with you.

I accidentally
knocked up a woman.

- Greg!
- You know me.

I see a pair of thick
weighty breasts

and all logic flies out
the window.

Heterosexual you is such a dog.

Can I help you?

Ah, no thanks, just browsing.

Although, you know what,

since I'm here,
why don't I grab, like,

eight handguns, couple of
shotguns, and, I don't know,

three more handguns.

Can I see some ID?

Yes, of course, of course.

Oh. Would you look at that?

I forgot my license,

but I do happen to have
this big old wad...

- No problem.
- Hmm?

I don't need your ID.

Federal database is down anyway.

- Wink wink.
- Ah.

So how do you like your ammo?

By the box or by the bucket?

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Our country is broken.

- What?
- Bucket!

I'll just take your biggest
bucket of bullets.

Okay, everyone.

We've been assigned
a new commander.

Please give him a warm welcome.

Hey, guys.

I'm Captain Stentley.

Ah, yuck, that sounds so formal.

Um...

Captain Jason.

No.

Call me C.J.

Okay, so that's all I got,

unless you guys have
any questions.

Yeah, you wearing sweat pants?

No. Oh, yes.

Yes, I am.

I, um, had some hot cocoa
this morning,

and I totally biffed it.

I like this guy.

Uh, if I may ask,

how did you become captain?

You just seem a little, uh...

- Unqualified?
- No.

No, no, no, no.

It's because I am, actually.

Here's how it happened.

I had an appointment
at my dermatologist

at 4027th Avenue.

But I went to 2047th Avenue
by mistake.

It's like numbers are so crazy,
am I right?

- Both: Amen.
- Not really.

Anyway,

there was this big drug bust
going down.

I showed up,
spooked the kingpin.

He darts for the front door,
trips,

shoots himself in the stomach
accidentally,

and then after that everybody
pretty much surrendered

very quickly and they made me
a captain about a week later.

Didn't you have to pass
the exams?

Like, wasn't there, like,
an interview

where they met you and...

heard you speak?

Presumably.

Look, I'm going to be honest.

Between you and me,

I don't fully know
what I'm doing,

but it seems like you guys do,

so I'm just gonna stay out
of the way

and give you guys
whatever you need.

Ceej? Hi, Gina Linetti here.

What I need is an assistant
of my own,

just to do my paperwork
and all my other work.

Work is the worst. I get it.

Uh. Hire whoever you want.

I just want you guys
to be happy.

- And I will help you with that.
- Great!

Hey, we should do a hang sesh
like this every morning.

This is amazing. Where do ya...

where's my office?

I love him.

He's the best captain
we've ever had,

hands down.

We're gonna get out of Florida!

I don't know what you're
so excited about.

We have dangerous task
ahead of us.

Wait, I thought you said
we didn't need backup.

Are you worried? Do we need
to call the Nine-Nine?

No, no, no, no.

We have the drop on Figgis,

we're fully armed up,

and we have plenty of time
to lay a trap.

Well, okay, then.

See you around, Coral Palms.

Adios, constant pool of sweat
in my taint!

You do one, Greg.

All right.

See you never,

drive-through vape station.

Adios, weird Juggalo encampment!

Bye-bye, slightly askew
stop sign.

Whoa-oh.

Oh, come on,
for running a stop sign?

We just passed someone driving

with both feet out the window.

Just be cool, Larry.

Gentlemen.

I am going to need to see your
license and registration.

Yeah.

Whoa, hold on.

What do we got going on
back there?

Oh, uh, yesterday's newspaper.

No, I'm talking about
the pile of guns

and the bucket of bullets.

- Right, right, right.
- Right, right, yeah.

Bucket of bullets, sure, sure.

I need you both to step out
of the vehicle.

Yep, it'd be weird
if you didn't.

This is a little bit weird.

Never been arrested before.

I mean, I was "detained" once

by Taylor Swift's security team,

but that was a misunderstanding.

She's probably going to write
a song about me.

We got to get out of here.

Figgis could show up
at any minute.

Don't worry.

We can outsmart some
small-town sheriff.

We're NYPD detectives.

We caught the Son of Sam.

Ice-T plays us on TV.

We keep the Tony's safe.

Hey, fellas.

Listen, I am sorry about
the delay.

We are overwhelmed here today.

We hired our first woman,

so of course she needs
her own bathroom

and the shirt don't fit right...

Both things chaos.

It's not a problem, Sheriff.

You have nothing to worry about.

I think we all agree that C.J.

is, to put it mildly,

not very impressive.

I watched him try to close
the blinds

in his office for 40 minutes.

He finally just gave up
and changed his pants

with the windows wide open.

Something has to be done,

and I have a plan.

We use mankind's
greatest weapon.

- A grenade.
- The written word.

Ugh, I'm out.

I drafted a letter

to One Police Plaza saying

that we think Captain Stentley

is not a good fit
for our precinct.

If we all sign it,
they'll have to act.

Hey, guys, I'm Emily,
Gina's assistant.

Wait, she actually got that?

"Wait, she actually got that?"

Sorry, I'm under strict orders
from Gina

to mock you whenever
I see an opening.

Follow me, please.

Your 2:00 is here.

Okay, thanks, Em,

and while I'm in this meeting,

will you just shred
some documents for me?

Anything you see.
It's all garbage.

On it.

What's going on? We were busy.

Busy trying to ruin
everything around here

with your dumb letter?

This is a gravy train, people.

Okay, C.J. will say yes
to anything we ask for.

Rosa, dare to dream.
What do you want?

For him to be gone.

You want that more than you
want walls around your desk

so Hitchcock can't stare at you

with his big old google eyes
anymore?

C.J. stays. I love that guy.

- Yes!
- What?

- That's not fair!
- Come on.

And how about you, Charles?

What do you want, baby boy?

Well, I agree with Amy

that C.J. is totally unqualified

and a disaster for the precinct,

and I would really love
a treadmill desk

so I can hit my cardio targets.

- Done.
- Yes!

- Boyle.
- I'm sorry.

I'm doing it for Nikolaj.

You'll understand once you bear
unto Jake a child.

Looks like you're all alone.

Em, can you go ahead
and show her out?

Right this way, please,

and can I validate your parking?

I work here.

So, listen, do you mind

if I ask you a few questions?

It shouldn't take much time.

Great, because we actually
have someplace

important to be,

so if it would speed things up,

we're happy to waive
our right to counsel.

Wow, counsel,

the "C" word.

Wait, wait, wait.

You guys in law enforcement?

No, no, no.

I just have a buddy

who's a detective in the NYPD.

Whoo, I bet he's better than me

at getting people to talk.

Everything I know about
interrogation

I learned from
"The Newlywed Game."

Huh.

So, look, why don't you each

write down your answer
to these questions.

Okay, question one,

what were you going to use
the guns for?

Okay, and then read 'em out
when you're done.

Both: Hunting.

Okay, see, I knew you boys
were on the level.

Okay, question two:

What do you hunt?

- Deer.
- Grouse and other small fowl.

- Oh.
- Yep, we hunt everything.

You know, deer, grouse,

a horse once.

Yes, we love killing any animal.

I hear ya.

Okay, question three:

You said you had
somewhere important to go,

so where exactly is that?

- Dinner date.
- Dinner date.

That's what mine says as well.

Sorry about the handwriting.

The point is, neither of us
are lying.

Should we just pick up our keys
on the way out,

or how do you want to do this?

No one has ever beaten
"The Newlywed Game."

No one.

Hey, Diaz.

Right. The walls.

Can I help you?

I need the crime stats
from last month.

Fine. One sec.

Some people, huh?

Hey, I'm up to 20,000 steps.

Seriously, Boyle?

Oh, you don't care
about my health?

You don't care about if Nikolaj
grows up without a papa?

You want me to die?

Honestly? A little.

Hurts.

I can't believe they all
let C.J. and Gina

just buy them off.

But we don't need them,

'cause we've got you,

and you're a sergeant.

Did you sign the letter yet?

Um... I...

What did he give you?

He gave me the ability to
continue to serve this community

unencumbered by
a necessary oversight.

Now, I really have to...

What did he give you?

He gave me a yogurt fridge,
all right?

I asked for a yogurt fridge,
and I got one,

right next to my desk!

I'm only a man.

I'm sending this letter

with or without your signature.

Enjoy your blood yogurt.

I will.

Time is running out.

We have the right
to a phone call.

We need to call the Nine-Nine

so they can sort this out
with the sheriff.

No, they would want
to get involved

and that could endanger them.

They'd be okay with that.

Charles and Amy both love me.

Rosa's not scared of anything.

I'm like a mentor to Terry.

No, regardless, we don't have
time for that.

We just have to tell the truth.

Sheriff, I'm ready to talk.

This better be good.

I'm a busy man.

You just spent 30 minutes

trying to win a radio contest.

For my wife.

They're giving away
Swampsgiving tickets.

I'm not really Greg,

and that's not Larry.

We're Captain Raymond Holt

and Detective Jake Peralta
of the NYPD.

We've been targeted by
Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis,

the mafia boss.

We're in witness protection,

and that is the full truth.

Good one. That's a good one.

Just call the U.S. marshal
who handles our case.

She'll explain everything.

She? Oh, come on.

This is getting crazier
by the second.

But I'll tell you, I kind of
want to see how it plays out.

Uh-huh. Right.

Okay, will do.

Well, it's a guy,

and he says he's never heard of
either one of you.

- That's impossible.
- Listen for yourself.

- Hello.
- It's Figgis.

I have your marshal,
and I'm coming for you.

See you soon, Jake.

Wait.

Great news.

I found Figgis.

This is bad.

Figgis has the marshal,

and now he knows where we are.

We're sitting ducks.

That's the worst kind of duck.

Tell that to the Dutch Hookbill.

Look, the clock is ticking.

We only have one option.

Jailbreak.

And how do you propose
to pull that off?

By using this rag-tag team
of inmates.

Our very Suicide Squad.

All right, let's rally
the troops.

Hey, fellow prisoners.

Hi, there.

Everyone, look,

we haven't connected as much

as maybe we should have.

That's our fault.

Why don't I just
kick things off.

I'm Jake,

and I like baseball.

Now you say something
about yourself.

I'm Raymond.
I don't care for baseball.

Great, so now that we're all
vibing at 100,

quick question:

If there were to a be
a jailbreak "of sorts,"

how many of you guys would be
interested in that?

Obviously if you have any
moral objection...

Okay, your hands are already
all up,

so I say we hop on this pony.
Great.

Now, do any of you have
any special skills?

Maybe the ability
to pick a lock?

Uh, I'm Mitch.

- I have a glass eye.
- Glass eye?

We'll definitely find
some use for that.

- How about you, sir?
- I'm Evan.

I've been arrested
for a lot of different stuff:

Public urination,

urinating on private property,

urinating 25 feet from a school,

urinating out of a moving truck.

I don't think Evan gets
what we're doing here.

Oh, doesn't he?

He's been here for weeks.

He knows the guard's comings
and goings.

Thank you for sharing, Evan.

You are valued here.

Your turn, old-timer.

It's always guys like this

that unlock
the entire operation.

What do you bring to the table?

I'm Tito.

I'm great at smoking meth.

- And?
- Snorting meth.

And?

I haven't spoken to my daughter

in a couple of years.

Oh, that's so sad.

Okay, so find something for Tito
to do.

So I heard from
One Police Plaza.

They received my letter,

and apparently they also
received hundreds of others

in support of C.J.

Yeah, Emily and I sent those
in, so...

Emily, what was that burn I had
you write down for Amy

because I didn't want
to forget it?

"Why so sad?

"Did you just find out American
Girl doesn't make clothes

in adult sizes?"

No.

"Steven Seagal called

and he wants his ponytail back"?

Huh-uh.

"Gina: Hey, Amy,

"what did one
graphing calculator

"say to the other one?

"Amy: What?

Gina: What does the sad lady
own two of us?"

That's it?

- Hey, Amy...
- You know what?

Congratulations.

You just made sure that
a terrible captain

will be sticking around here
indefinitely.

Come on, Santiago.

We're just trying to make
the best of it.

- Yogurt?
- Never!

Yes! 40,000 steps!

- Boyle!
- I can't talk.

I got to keep my heart rate up.

Hey, can you guys keep it down?

Need a roof on this thing.

Gina, I need a roof.

- Emily.
- On it.

Listen, you selfish jerks,

that guy in there, the one
playing the bongos right now,

he thinks we're killing it,

so he's just staying out
of our way.

Well, the only reason
we're killing it

is because Captain Holt
never let us

be satisfied with ourselves.

He always inspired us to work
harder and smarter,

to be better.

And if he were here right now,

he'd be ashamed of us.

Amy, wait!

Oh! Ah!

Ooh, ah!

You swear this guy's about
to meet up with his mistress?

Yep. Tuesday at 5:00.

It's Tanya time.

Well, there he goes.

Okay, now we got to get rid
of the other deputy.

Glass eye, you're up.

Oh, so much drier
than I would have thought.

Did I want it to be wet?

- Jake!
- Right! Sorry.

Just holding an eyeball
in my hand.

No big deal. Here we go.

Yah.

What the hell?

Must have gotten too hot.

Sheriff, I'm going to go
get a mop.

Okay.

And... great.

Now we stage a fight;

When the sheriff comes in
to break it up,

we take him down.

All: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Ah!

We got us a jail fight.

Yah!

Why isn't he coming in?

I don't know,
maybe he's not buying it.

Hit me harder.

Oh!

Damn, you knocked him.

What would it take for him
to intervene?

Do I actually have to kill you?

No, he'd probably love that.

Ugh!

But you know what he would hate?

Okay, just go with me
on this, all right?

Ugh.

I can't stay mad at you.

♪

Ooh! No! No!

- Is it working?
- I think so.

Not in my jail. No, no.

Break it up! Whoa!

Stop it! What are you doing?

It's 2016, man.

This is on you.

Hey, wait a minute.

You didn't give me
anything to do.

You have the most important
job of all.

Tell everyone
what you saw here today.

Oh, God bless you.

You're giving an old meth head

a reason to live forever and...

We don't have time for this,
Tito!

Hey, Santiago,

come with me a sec.

Why?

So you can show off

some new cool thing
that C.J. got you?

Let me guess, golden suspenders?

Can you imagine?
I would look amazing.

But that's not
what I came here for.

Just follow me to
the captain's office.

Hey, guys.

If Pac-Man were a stapler,

he'd look like a little
something like this.

Okay, so we wanted to talk to
you, Captain Stentley...

Uh-oh. Captain Stentley.

- Am I in trouble?
- No.

You're our boss.

Oh, right.

Are you in trouble?

No, sir.

It's just that the squad feels

we've been taking advantage
of you,

and it has to stop.

So...

I returned my yogurt fridge.

I gave my treadmill desk back.

I took down my desk walls.

And I have agreed to fire

my assistant's assistant Dana.

Dana? Who's Dana?

Emily had a lot on her plate.

I don't understand.

I mean, I'm just trying
to make you guys happy.

Well, if you want to do that,

start acting like
a real captain.

Make tough choices.

Tell people no sometimes.

Okay, if you think I need
to stop doing

whatever you guys want,

then I will.

Yeah, that's progress.

If that's what you guys want.

- I gotta go.
- Good talk.

My door's always open,

except when it's closed.

But you can open it
when it's closed.

I can't believe we're
fugitives on the lam,

falsely accused of a crime.

There's nothing false about it.

We committed several felonies
and escaped from jail.

Yeah, but we were just doing
what we had to do.

We're the good guys.

This is what they all think.

Figgis is in town,

and we have no car, no money,
no guns;

We can't go back to our houses

because the police
are looking for us.

It's time to call the Nine-Nine.

Absolutely not.

What is going on with you?

Nothing, I just think
that we can do it alone.

Sir, we just shared one of
the longest kisses of my life.

I think we can be honest
with each other.

All right.

The Nine-Nine bailed me out
once before

when I was taken hostage by Bob,

a man I had put my trust in,

like a fool.

I don't want them to
rescue me again.

It's embarrassing.

I need to clean up my own mess.

Captain, it's the Nine-Nine.

There's nothing wrong
with asking for help

from people that care about you.

This is Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

Captain Holt!

Sir. Captain Stentley.

There's an urgent situation,

and we need 72 hours off
to go to Florida.

Now, I can't why...

Absolutely not.

What?

The Eight-Six said they would
cover for us,

and this very important!

That's enough.

Someone once told me

that being a captain means

telling people no.

Oh, wait, that was you guys.

You guys told me that.

Anyway, you were right.

You can't go.

Sorry, guys.

I kind of feel like this
is my fault.

"I kind of feel like this
is my fault."

Not now, Emily.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.