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1
00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:04,765
(funky disco plays)
♪My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,812
♪And I am proud to be
3
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,007
♪Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:11,940
♪With my new family
5
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:13,876
♪There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,151
♪And even a bear
7
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,680
♪Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,016
♪It's true love we share
9
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,351
♪And so I found a place
10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,886
♪Where everyone will know
11
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,992
♪My happy mustached face
12
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,894
♪This isT he Cleveland Show.♪
13
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,956
(chuckles)
14
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,295
(tires squeal)
15
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,199
DONNA (over walkie-talkie):
Round Mound of Brown,
16
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,701
this is Hot Cocoa Bang Bang.
Come in, RMB.
17
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:38,644
10-4, good body.
18
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,639
Picked up Roberta
from bikini car wash.
19
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:43,011
Was not for school. Over.
20
00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,710
I got to make money.
21
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,312
I've got Rallo.
22
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,513
We just did a boring trip
to the craft store
23
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,576
for his boring
family tree project.
24
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,524
Now arriving at soccer.
25
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,090
(tires screeching)
26
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,259
(Cleveland grunting)
27
00:00:58,259 --> 00:00:59,929
Pick me up in three hours
28
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,127
when this game
may or may not be over!
29
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:06,200
(kids cheering)
Yay, Rallo! I'm so proud of you
30
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,270
for playing a sport
that's not important enough
31
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,039
for Americans to be good at!
32
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:13,237
Okay, picking up Junior
at baking class now.
33
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,610
(tires screech)
34
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:15,838
♪
35
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,543
Yay, Junior!
36
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,545
Yay, cake!
37
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:22,077
I wish youwere my son.
38
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:24,950
Acquired Junior.
39
00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:26,952
Gonna drop him off
at Freedom Scouts,
40
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:29,294
then I'll meet you
at Roberta's varsity texting match.
41
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:31,860
Why aren't you just using
your cell phones?
42
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:35,859
'Cause it's not safe to talk
on the phone and drive. Duh!
43
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,363
(horn honking)
(screaming)
44
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:40,025
Duh!
45
00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:41,874
And now I've turned
onto a one-way street
46
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,569
going the right way!
47
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:44,641
Thank God!
48
00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:49,109
All right, kids,
go shower.
49
00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:50,910
Separately.
50
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,781
CLEVELAND JR.: You don't
have to keep saying that.
51
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,280
How about I feed the dog
52
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,051
and then we meet
in the bedroom for relations?
53
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:59,221
Roger that.
Over and out.
54
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,990
More like in and out
and then over. Over.
55
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,890
Oh, this feels
great. Is this sex?
56
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:08,093
Are we having
sex right now?
57
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:11,125
We can't keep this up.
We need help.
58
00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:13,932
If only the kids had
two mothers and two fathers.
59
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,144
Now that's a
sitcom I'd watch.
60
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:20,007
A gay couple and a
lesbian couple find a baby on a doorstep.
61
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,737
Call it Modern-er Family.
62
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,813
Wait a minute.
Your kids do have another dad.
63
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:27,412
What's the name of that guy
you used to be married to?
64
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:30,354
Dennis Rodman-- er-- Robert?
Yeah, him.
65
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:33,091
Plus, we've got
some grandparents laying around.
66
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,917
Donna, I've
got an idea
67
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:37,362
that could buy us
the break we deserve.
68
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:40,428
And also a new title for
our gay couple sitcom.
69
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:42,687
God's Mad about You.
70
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,032
If this is about
a time-share opportunity,
71
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:50,435
I will punch you
in your back.
72
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,537
I know.
73
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,639
I'll be blunt. We need help.
74
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:58,941
So we made
Wheel... of... Family.
75
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:02,106
Big money! Big money!
76
00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:05,276
On it are all the activities
we've signed the kids up for
77
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,946
so they don't
have to join a street gang,
78
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,854
like I did growing up.
79
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,716
He was in a marching band.
80
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,164
Marching gang!
81
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,959
You all will
be helping us attend
82
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,531
and shuttling the kids
to and from these events.
83
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,530
Why would
we do that?
84
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:22,302
If you don't, Donna's not
paying you any more alimony.
85
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:24,303
That's how come
I can buy stuff.
86
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:27,135
Dee Dee, as
mother-in-law, you may spin first.
87
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:28,471
Okay, fine.
88
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,135
♪
89
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:31,814
Show me the Rallo!
90
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,052
Come on, Rallo!
91
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,147
Big Rallo!
92
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:35,408
No Bertas!
93
00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:41,415
So, where am I
dropping you off?
94
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:44,092
Kay Kay Cakes for
my frosting, icing and fondant class.
95
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:46,161
Baking class?
A young man like you
96
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,590
should be doing
something active.
97
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,825
I use a 35-pound
frosting bag.
98
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,830
Forget your cake class.
I'm taking you somewhere else.
99
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:56,003
Where?
Not where... Y.
100
00:03:56,003 --> 00:04:00,113
You made me sit in silence
the entire car ride for that?
101
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:03,237
This is it, the YMCA.
102
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,244
Or Young Men's
Christian Association.
103
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,206
Although it's
mostly old dudes,
104
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:09,354
and a lot of
un-Christian things go on in the showers.
105
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,120
This is the pile
where you can take your new
106
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:12,248
or leave your old towels.
107
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:18,192
Anyway, they got all kind
of classes here.
108
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,062
But you don't need
to worry about that,
109
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,590
'cause every piece
of exercise equipment
110
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,195
made after 1971 is crap.
111
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:25,998
All you need is this.
112
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:29,403
What is it?
A medicine ball.
113
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,873
The best
workout going. Well, how do you play?
114
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,242
Play? Medicine balling is
how Pinklon Thomas trained
115
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,381
for his fight
with Mike Tyson.
116
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:37,437
You think you better
than Pinklon Thomas?
117
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,384
No, I never said...
118
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:43,080
Pinklon, this boy here think
he too good for your balls.
119
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,153
You too good
for my balls, boy?
120
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,222
No, no,
I'll toss them around.
121
00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:49,051
That'd be nice.
122
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,656
(bell rings)
123
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,959
And I'd appreciate it
if Rallo would stop
124
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:57,761
pledging allegiance
to "the hag" and saluting me.
125
00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,255
Wait, you're not Donna.
126
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,896
This is a
parent-teacher conference.
127
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,472
You heard her,
parents only.
128
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,900
If you need me,
I'll be at the track. No,
129
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,406
you're supposed to be here.
You are a parent. Say huh?
130
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,980
You're his father.
131
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,548
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)
132
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:17,752
Then we got my mom
running carpool,
133
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,451
Robert diluting
juice-- wait!
134
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:22,093
Who took Roberta to get her...
(whispering): girl things?
135
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,659
So, which brand do you use?
136
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,757
Uh...
137
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,588
Brawny.
138
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:30,103
Oh, Auntie Momma, even
your monthly is outrageous.
139
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,127
(farts)
140
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,202
(farts)
141
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,600
(laughter)
142
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:37,001
So, what's left
for us to do today?
143
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,944
Eh, looks like
we're covered...
144
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,109
for the whole
afternoon.
145
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,508
(gasps) Donna,
do you know what this means?
146
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,680
We can finally do
that thing we've always dreamed of doing.
147
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,310
Nothing.
148
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,175
♪
149
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:57,717
Mm, that's
a dirty river.
150
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,627
You looking
good, Junior.
151
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,459
That upper-arm cellulite's
starting to go away
152
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,295
and I think you
dropped a chin or two.
153
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,370
Four.
Proud of you, kid.
154
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:11,169
See you in an hour.
155
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:12,971
Oh, he's gonna need that.
156
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,913
Can't throw around
a medicine ball without a jock
157
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,308
and sleeveless half-shirt.
158
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:17,910
Where's Junior?
159
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,751
Man, I can't keep track
of all the kids
160
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:21,377
that go missing at the Y.
161
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:24,846
(Junior giggles)
162
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:29,192
♪
163
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,989
Work it, Junior.
Go, Junior.
164
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,561
FREIGHT TRAIN:
Pole dancing?
165
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,160
Ugh, soaking wet.
166
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,202
What are you
doing in here?
167
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:38,827
What is he doing?
168
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,672
He's inspiring us to
celebrate our bodies.
169
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,538
No matter
what shape we are.
170
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,937
(low, gravely voice):
That's right!
171
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,508
Damn, thought she
was a squat rack.
172
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,408
Down on the ground
I'm heavy,
173
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:51,410
but on the pole
I can soar
174
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:54,012
like a spinning,
big-breasted eagle.
175
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,284
And he's really good.
176
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,752
He's like
the fat, black,
177
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,780
talented Tim Tebow
of pole dancing.
178
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,916
I want to enter him
in the regionals.
179
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,951
R-R-R-Regionals?
180
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,686
Hell, no,
this ends now.
181
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,591
Junior, get out
of that girlie outfit.
182
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,093
♪
183
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,695
Never mind.
This pole-ish nonsense is over.
184
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:15,097
(thunder claps)
The Freight Train forbid!
185
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,572
(all gasp)
186
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,040
Now we gonna go
in the men's locker room,
187
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,208
put our foot on the bench
with an open towel,
188
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,507
and talk about football.
Come on.
189
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:26,776
It's the Wheel of FamilyHome Edition.
190
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,410
Dee Dee Tubbs,
you've been selected
191
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,615
to take Rallo to his
sink or swim class.
192
00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:34,892
(gasps)
What are you doing?!
193
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:38,258
We're celebrating an excellent
parent-teacher conference.
194
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,558
Excellent.
195
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,930
Oh, my God!
196
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:41,988
What's going on?
197
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,225
Ah, horsey rides!
Me next!
198
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,401
Rallo, no.
199
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:46,469
I'm next.
200
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:47,797
(sighs) Let's go.
201
00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:53,137
Donna, oh, my God,
202
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,240
you're never gonna
believe this.
203
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,311
This is so funny.
204
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,139
You know how
me and the guys
205
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,644
always talk about
how old your mom is?
206
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,676
Well, guess who Robert is
sweating the sheets with?
207
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,353
Your old mom!
208
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,621
What?!
209
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,589
That's right,
your ex-husband
210
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:10,288
is having relations
with your mother.
211
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,860
But this...
this can't be.
212
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,160
Robert and... and...
213
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,702
(chuckles):
Your mother.
214
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:19,427
(screaming)
215
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,268
Stop it, Donna.
Calm down!
216
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,971
(panting)
What's your problem?
217
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:29,473
I told you something
hilarious and you reacted wrong.
218
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:33,446
Cleveland, my mother sleeping
with Robert is not hilarious.
219
00:08:33,447 --> 00:08:35,177
Oh, I get it.
220
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,382
You're still
in love with Robert.
221
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,484
What? No, I'm not.
222
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,886
No, no, I can take it.
223
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:42,448
He was your true love
224
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:45,286
and I'm just some
Johnny-come-quickl-- lately.
225
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,632
Cleveland, I don't have
feelings for Robert.
226
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:50,398
I'm upset because the
father of my children
227
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,627
is having sex with
their grandmother.
228
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,303
And you're jealous 'cause
you're stuck here having sex
229
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,502
with old Johnny-come-
painfull-- quickl-- lately.
230
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:58,704
Ah, damn it!
231
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:04,377
(chuckles)
232
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:09,146
All right,
I'm just gonna say it.
233
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,319
What you two are
doing is wrong.
234
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,818
Donna, honey, it was
bound to happen.
235
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:14,819
You can't spend that
much time with someone
236
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:18,521
who looks like
this and not wind up in bed with him.
237
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,755
And this one.
Plenty of tread left on this tire.
238
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,332
Aw.
239
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,430
I'm a sucker
for love stories.
240
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,932
So, when
did you know?
241
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,774
Like know know.
242
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,239
I think I've known
since I was ten years old.
243
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,909
I got Dee Dee's solo album.
244
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,238
It was a Japanese import
I bought from my dad
245
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,944
for a sack of weed.
246
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,706
Once I heard that voice,I didn't miss the weed.
247
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,575
I was highon her rhythm and blues.
248
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:46,254
And a little bit of the weedI kept for myself.
249
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,353
My word.
250
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,915
And we both
collect Pez's.
251
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,023
Well...
252
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,564
What the hell?!
253
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,389
I just finished
my family tree.
254
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,795
Now my dad's gonna
be my grandpa
255
00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:00,728
and my grandma's gonna be
my stepmom or something?
256
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:03,404
So, do I add more branches?
Connect some branches?
257
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,543
Burn this damn tree down?
258
00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:07,469
There's no app for
this, you know.
259
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:10,144
I had to
draw this.
260
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,613
Hey, Dad,
hey, Grandma.
261
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,382
I heard you two
were dating.
262
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,780
So, meet my
new boyfriend Walt.
263
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,822
He's five.
264
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,748
Seems wrong, but apparently
that's what we're doing now.
265
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,494
Age ain't nothing
but a number.
266
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,989
Ain't that right, baby?
267
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,061
That is a time-out!
268
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,789
Roberta and Walt?
269
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,494
My word.
270
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,556
I've had enough
of this insanity.
271
00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:34,765
Y'all get out of my house!
272
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,598
Not you, Cleveland!
273
00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:38,503
You're the one
who put them together.
274
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,105
This whole thing
is your fault!
275
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,467
I never want to see any
of them ever again!
276
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:46,113
Hmm, she's really upset.
277
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,613
I got to fix this.
278
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,584
But how?
279
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:51,983
Hmm...
280
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,986
That's my arm!
281
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,991
(frogs croaking)
282
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,864
Thanks for taking me
here, Cleveland.
283
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,763
I just needed to get out
and get my mind off of...
284
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:07,266
Robert boinking your Mom?
285
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,797
Well, that'll be
the last thing
286
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,042
we have to worry about to...
287
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:15,267
Oh, look who just
happens to be here.
288
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:18,435
What's the closest thing
y'all got on this menu to a McGriddle?
289
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,205
You gotta be kidding me!
290
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,683
Let's go.
No.
291
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:23,282
Let me handle this.
292
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,823
Haven't you two hurt
this woman enough?
293
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:28,619
As if all the gross--
and I'm sure musky--
294
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,562
sexing you're doing
wasn't enough,
295
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,457
now you have the gall
296
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,559
to come to
her favorite restaurant?!
297
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,791
But you gave us the coupon
298
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:36,856
and told us to come
here tonight.
299
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,803
Yah!
300
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,299
Can't you see you're breaking
Donna's heart?
301
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,700
Do the right thing
and end this already.
302
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,643
Neither one of you
ever thinks of another person.
303
00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:47,839
You would never be
in one of those commercials
304
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:50,811
where someone sees
someone do something nice for someone else,
305
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,381
then they go off and do
something nice for someone else
306
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,850
and someone sees them.
307
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,508
And then the guy who saw them
308
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,646
ends up doing something
nice for somebody else.
309
00:11:58,652 --> 00:12:00,852
And this keeps going
until you remember
310
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,054
that you were watching
something that was DVR'd,
311
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,156
but you were buzzed
so you forgot to fast forward
312
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,828
through the commercial.
313
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,187
The point is, neither one
of you has ever done
314
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:12,996
an unselfish or responsible
thing in your life.
315
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,729
I. Am.
316
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,935
The hero of this piece.
317
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,797
I'll have a McGriddle as well.
318
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,406
Bye, Persian man!
319
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,109
I think it's really cool
320
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:27,081
that you can play basketball
in expensive jeans.
321
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,710
Oh...
322
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:31,015
Junior?
Where have you been?
323
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:32,747
I'm off the pole.
324
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:35,193
My grandfather says
it's vulgar and cheap.
325
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,888
Oh, and also really super gay.
326
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,931
But Junior, we need you
for regionals.
327
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,727
Without you, we're
just a bunch of
328
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:45,359
saggy, baggy,
middle-aged frump buckets.
329
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,125
No, no, I can't.
330
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,434
You can't?
331
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,025
Or you won't?
332
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:53,036
You know, Junior,
there comes a time
333
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,639
in every young boy's life
334
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,041
where he has to stand
up to his grandfather
335
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,643
and dance on a pole.
336
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:03,375
And if you quit,
we all quit.
337
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:06,823
Is there also shower
for our white BMWs?
338
00:13:09,989 --> 00:13:11,089
(knock at door)
339
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,221
Door's open!
340
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,385
ROBERT:
It's locked.
341
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,663
Window's open!
342
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:15,761
ROBERT:
Open the damn door!
343
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,932
Hi.
344
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,401
We gave a lot of thought
to what you said, Cleveland,
345
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,270
about how we may not have been
the most responsible people.
346
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,000
We were selfish and horny.
347
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,965
So, together, we decided
to do something positive
348
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,814
to make up for
our past mistakes.
349
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:30,910
Good.
350
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,581
We adopted a China baby.
351
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,749
Bad.
The hell you did!
352
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,178
Meet Qian Qiang.
353
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,983
Isn't he adorable?
354
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:41,194
He'd say hi, but he
don't speaka de English.
355
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,148
(gong clangs)
What a turn of events!
356
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:50,160
How'd you get
a kid so fast?
357
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,433
They make you wait years
for a healthy, white baby,
358
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,432
six months for
an off-white baby,
359
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,304
a whole week for a black baby,
360
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,443
but you gotta lock
your damn door
361
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,038
not to get a five-year-old
Chinese baby.
362
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,841
They're giving them away
like tickets to a WNBA game.
363
00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:06,314
Well, he looks
just like you.
364
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,053
Why would you adopt a child?
365
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,378
Cleveland said we should
stop being so selfish,
366
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,983
and we really took
that to heart.
367
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:14,985
We're more mature now,
so we got Qian Qiang
368
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,658
because I missed out on my
first chance to be a father.
369
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,857
Not too late.
I'm only five.
370
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,030
Qian Qiang needs
a strong male role model.
371
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,858
Still in my
formative years.
372
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,804
Role model would
do me good.
373
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:28,799
And I want a chance to
make up for my own failures as a mother.
374
00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,072
Not too late.
375
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,640
Still need mothering.
376
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,408
Because I realized I still
have so much to give.
377
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,737
I'll take it all!
378
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,142
(farts)
379
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,483
(giggles)
380
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:39,978
Qian Qiang tooted.
381
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,650
Isn't that adorable?
382
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,818
Ha!
Those are always funny.
383
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:45,817
My man!
384
00:14:45,819 --> 00:14:48,049
So, you're family now?
385
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,854
Well, let me just say...
386
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:52,016
I'm the cute five-year-old
around here,
387
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:55,155
and you will not
Olivia Huxtable my world!
388
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,431
Rudy, straight O.G.
389
00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,670
Donna, Cleveland,
we came over today
390
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,327
because we wanted to ask you
391
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,495
to be the boy's godparents.
392
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,844
(gasps)
Yes!
393
00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:07,669
Oh, my God, yes!
394
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,014
You have got
to be kidding.
395
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,909
And we'd like you
to stand with us
396
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,781
at a re-naming ceremony,
397
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,709
where we change
Qian Qiang's name
398
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,454
to a proper American one,
399
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,679
like D'Brickashaw
or Mustang Sally.
400
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,515
We'll have
the ceremony here!
401
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,720
We're going to be
godparents.
402
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,051
Can you believe it, Donna?
403
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,516
No.
I don't believe any of this.
404
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,925
I don't believe
you've changed,
405
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,727
and I don't believe
you can be good parents.
406
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,299
Whoops.
407
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,598
(doorbell rings)
408
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,270
Where's Junior?
Oh, he's not here.
409
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,739
He went to his
pole-dancing competition.
410
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,408
What?
Why didn't you stop him?
411
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,307
Me and Walt were out!
412
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,739
(sighs)
413
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,183
At least he somehow
pays for things.
414
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:51,117
"You are rich in ways
other than money."
415
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,617
Terrible.
416
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,219
Donna, will you run
to the store
417
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:56,090
and get more fortunate cookies
for the party?
418
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,719
I told you, I'm not
helping with this party.
419
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,725
I can't condone them
running around,
420
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,427
acting like perfect parents
421
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,559
when I know who Dee Dee
and Robert really are.
422
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,334
Donna...
we're God's parents now.
423
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,973
What?
424
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,328
Didn't they make
us God's parents?
425
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,436
No, godparents.
426
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:14,238
God's parents,
godparent, same thing.
427
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,640
Like I met Reggie parents
at the grocery store.
428
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,913
Reggie dad got them
bloodshot jaundice-y eyes.
429
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:22,083
Point is, we got
to protect this child.
430
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,452
I don't have
to do anything
431
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,750
but rain Hater-ade
on all you fools.
432
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:26,782
Whoosh!
433
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,446
That's Hater-ade!
434
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,355
(dance music plays)
435
00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:38,133
Thanks for coming to
the pole-dance regionals!
436
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:41,271
Hope you guys are
enjoying the bring-your- own-beer policy,
437
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:44,137
which may turn out to
have been a horrible business model.
438
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,767
So, let's make this weirder
439
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,272
by welcoming to the main stage
440
00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,813
our first performer,
441
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,178
Cleveland Brown Jr.
442
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,378
What the hell?
443
00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:03,448
Get down from there!
444
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:04,686
You're a boy!
445
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:05,991
I'm not a boy.
446
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,562
I'm a dancer!
447
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,030
Cue a horrible song!
448
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:10,799
♪She's my cherry pie...
449
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,627
(yowls)
450
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,003
♪Such a sweet surprise
451
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,141
♪Tastes so good, make a
grown man cry ♪
452
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:20,607
♪Sweet cherry pie, yeah...
453
00:17:23,475 --> 00:17:24,975
AUDIENCE:
Ooh!
454
00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,578
(Cleveland Jr. lip-synchs)
♪Whoa!
455
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,809
♪She's my cherry pie
456
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,845
♪Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪
457
00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:33,921
♪Tastes so good,
make a grown man cry ♪
458
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,020
♪Sweet cherry pie, oh, yeah
459
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:39,663
♪She's my cherry pie...
460
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,229
Oh, no, he's frowning.
461
00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:44,097
He's frowning so much.
462
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:47,327
Wait. I was upside-down.
463
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:48,573
You were...
464
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:51,535
...smiling.
465
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,638
♪Yeah
466
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,406
♪Swing it!
467
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,879
You're the only pole dancer
I've ever seen with a soul.
468
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,178
And a wiener.
469
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,180
Well...
(clears throat)
470
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:03,852
Anyway,
I apologize, Junior.
471
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,850
This is, regrettably,
what you were meant to do.
472
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,523
Thanks, Grandpa.
473
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,561
That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
474
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,587
Private dance?
475
00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:18,361
Robert and Dee Dee
are two hours late.
476
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,634
Maybe they're still
on China time.
477
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,973
Because there it's probably...
478
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,768
half past dragon chopstick.
479
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,071
DONNA:
I told you so!
480
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,372
Whoosh! That's Hater-ade!
481
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:29,914
That's it!
482
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,479
If they want to walk all
over Donna and Rallo,
483
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,778
that's their business.
484
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,449
But if they stand me up...
485
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,977
we've got a problem.
486
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:38,322
Donna! I'm finally upset!
487
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,588
So, now that a man cares,
488
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:44,057
let's go do something
about this!
489
00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:45,887
Y'all haven't seen Robert,
have you?
490
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,132
I knew it!
491
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:48,987
You were terrible parents,
492
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:51,095
and you'll always be
terrible parents.
493
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,657
Yeah.
494
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,465
And you don't deserve
the Chinese lanterns
495
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,797
or shrimp bubble gum
I got for the ceremony.
496
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,473
The naming ceremony!
497
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,071
We've been so busy,
we completely forgot.
498
00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:02,944
Of course the two of you did.
499
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:05,082
You're so selfish,
you forget everything.
500
00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:06,808
You forgot you had a daughter,
501
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,083
and Robert forgot
he had a wife.
502
00:19:09,082 --> 00:19:10,922
Mm-hmm.
503
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,917
We really are failures.
504
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,349
I thought we were ready
505
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,294
to be great parents
this time around...
506
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,359
but maybe you're right
about me and Robert.
507
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:19,518
Where is Robert?
508
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,026
Mm-hmm.
509
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,757
I had to go
to three pharmacies
510
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,162
to find Q.Q.'s
ear medicine.
511
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:25,764
And that's after spending
all morning
512
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,125
trying to convert
the sex swing
513
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:29,373
into a bouncy
chair for the kid. (laughs)
514
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:32,039
(laughing)
515
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,168
(gasps)
516
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:40,037
Oh, my God.
517
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:43,046
You guys really are trying,
aren't you?
518
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,949
Yes. It turns out,
having a kid
519
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,551
doesn't just
crush your dreams.
520
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:47,953
It's also hard.
521
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,954
Maybe that's why
God doesn't let
522
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,316
women in their
60s have babies.
523
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,325
Oh, Donna,
I was a terrible mother
524
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,787
and I'm so proud of you
525
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,395
for growing up
to be a good one.
526
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,457
I need you to be
my role model.
527
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,565
Will you be
my mother, Donna?
528
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,728
What?!
How would that even work?
529
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,866
You know what? I'm out.
530
00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:10,036
We've got to go rename
Rallo's bruncle.
531
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:15,077
And as Saul
did become Paul
532
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:18,181
and Beyoncé
became Sasha Fierce,
533
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:20,384
so do I christen you,
534
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,986
oh, heathen child
Quack Quack...
535
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,159
by your new name,
536
00:20:25,158 --> 00:20:27,558
Hong Kong Phooey.
537
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,990
'Member him?
538
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,025
Was that
The Pink Panther?
539
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,759
(playing clumsily)
540
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,830
How the hell did we
get stuck with this?
541
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,396
We are dumb.
542
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:42,996
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