All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s04e09 Here Comes the Bribe.eng

(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back in my hometown

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
and new friends

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
and bad times

♪ It's true love we share

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustached face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show.
♪

(chuckles)

You know, I just watched
a Valentine's special

on the OWN network--

you know, the network
Oprah wasted $2 billion on?

No, I assumed
Oprah had died.

Mm-hmm. So,

Oprah was doing a show about
renewing your wedding vows.

She said a renewal ceremony
can strengthen a marriage.

Oprah, who's never been
married, said that?

Oh, Cleveland,
it's not just Oprah.

All my friends
have done this.

Mary, Sybil,
Edith, Lavinia, O'Brien,

Mrs. Patmore,
The Dowager Countess...

Those are aren't your friends,

that's that cast
of Downton Abbey!

Aha! You did watch it.

Don't tell the guys.

Cleveland,
we're doing this.

For Valentine's Day, I want us
to have a vow renewing ceremony.

Oh, God!

I divided our tasks.

I split up what we need
to get done beforehand.

What?!

Build a gazebo?

Rent a tuzedo?

And where, pray tell,

do you think I'm going to find
14 peacocks?

Please?

After the ceremony,
I'll let you do that thing

I promised you could do
on our wedding night

that I lied about
and didn't let you do

that I'm probably
still lying about now.

I'm in!

(slurping)

(screaming)

My refrigerator, Perry!

He's dead!

Oh, why did I push
Perry so hard?

Poor appliance
didn't stand a chance.

Here are details
for the funeral.

(sighs)
I'll go get Roberta

and a few other
ancillary characters.

So, now, when someone
prank calls me

and asks if my
refrigerator is running,

I will sadly tell them,
"Not anymore."

Not anymore.

And because of Perry,

the light inside us all
shines a little brighter.

But only when the door
of our hearts is open.

♪ Amazing gra...

No, Junior.

(sobbing)

Nobody should have to
bury their fridge.

CLEVELAND:
Last... nail.

What do you say, Donna?

How do you plan to
get this outside?

Hmm?

And how are
your vows coming?

What vows?

Cleveland, the whole point
of a vow renewal ceremony

is to offer personalized vows.

I assumed you understood that.

Ha! Dummy.

Now help me flip
this thing on its side.

(grunting)

Wow.

Ooh, nice tuzedo.

And why are you bringing all
those rainbow weeds in here?

They're flowers,
Lester.

(sniffs)

They smell like
our toilet spray.

Yeah, well, it's too hot
in the car; they'd wilt.

And I still have to
write my vows.

Dude, you're a little
high-strung.

You want to
take off your shirt and I'll give you a massage?

Not gay if other dudes
are watching.

All right,
you heard him.

None of you
may look away.

Get to work, Holt.

Mm.

Lester, will hand me
my Cars 2 Trapper Keeper?

(sighs)
All righty, let's see.

Vows.

"I, Cleveland"-- good start--

"being of sound mind..."

Probably need a verb here.
To run?

"I, Cleveland, to run..."

Ran?

Did the guy already do
the run? Ah.

"I, Cleveland..."

Ah, screw it.

Writing's hard.

That's why only Aaron Sorkin
and Fscott Fitzgerald can do it.

If you ask me,
I think...

(grunting)

You know what,
Holt? Enough.

Cleveland, you're approaching
this from the wrong perspective.

Don't you get it?

You can renegotiate
your marital contract

to your advantage.

I do that with Kendra
every six months.

Last week, I finally got her
to agree to

close the garage door
when she's dropping a grumpy.

Big win for me.

Big win for all of us.

You're right.

I can define the marriage
on terms any man would want.

And Donna will
appreciate it, too,

because it'll be
a relationship built on honesty.

And that's all women want:
the truth.

And money.

(panting): Man, why did I pick
the bedroom

all the way at the end
of the hall?

If I knew then how fat
I'd be now...

(screams)

Perry has come back from
the dead to exact his revenge!

The prophecy is true!

No, you dumb oaf,
he wasn't dead.

The outlet you had him
plugged into was dead.

So, I dug him up,
cleaned him off,

and he's good to go.

Thanks, Rallo.

I owe you one.

Whoa, where do you think
you're taking Perry?

He's my fridge now.

Nuh-uh,
that's my property.

I filled out
a warranty and everything!

Did you send it in?

I meant to send it in.

Be that as it may, Junior,
it was abandoned property.

And as such, all ownership
rights are extinguished.

I cite the precedence set by

Finders Keepers
v. Losers Weepers.

I'm bigger than you.

I'm taking
what's mine.

You could, but then,
what of our society?

I thought we were
a country of laws, not men.

(groans)
You're right.

I refuse to be an instrument
of our social destruction.

Fine. Perry is yours.

I won't even miss him.

(refrigerator humming)

Oh.

(imitates humming)

I look better than my mama.

Don't you Pippa me, bitch!

This is my day.

Dearly beloved
and pilfering catering staff,

we are gathered here today
for an unnecessary repetition

of a once-in-a-lifetime event.

And to make matters worse,

I'm told you've written
your own vows.

Thank you, Reverend, for
your beautiful words.

Cleveland will
go first.

(playing mellow
classical music)

(clears throat)

I, Cleveland, in the spirit
of making our union greater

and our love stronger,

do solemnly vow
the following:

I vow not to interfere with
your kitchen duties.

I'm not good at it
and don't like it.

You, however, have proven
how much you enjoy it,

night after night,
by cooking my meals

and then washing the dishes.

On that note,
let's make a promise

to not just fill a bowl with
water to, quote, "let it soak,"

but let's you wash
that bowl to completion,

dry it and put it away.

What?

I vow to keep
guys' night sacred,

two-to-every nights a week.

And by doing so, I will
come back a better husband,

relaxed from alcohol,

and ready
to do you just right.

(clicks tongue, whistles)

I vow for us never again
to watch TV together.

You just jabber
through the shows anyway,

and you never understand
what's happening.

If you would stop jabbering,
you'd know.

You're my dream.

You always have been.

You have made a mockery of
my emotions and our marriage!

(crying)
Well.

(squawking)

Well, Tim,
I owe you one dollar.

She reacted
exactly as you said.

Yay!

Yoo-hoo! Hi!

There you are.

Missed you at
the reception.

You know who's a
good dancer? Gus.

Nobody touched the crostinis
that you insisted on.

And, Donna, if any part of
this was my fault, I'm sorry.

Cleveland,
a phoned-in apology

is not going to
be enough this time.

This is the 21st century--
it won't be phoned in,

I'm faxing it.

(keypad beeping)

(fax machine dialing)

(modem beeps)

(fax machine rings, beeps)

Donna, you
have a fax.

I mean it.

You humiliated me in front of
our townspeople.

But more than that,
that's how you see our marriage?

A bunch of
constant annoyances?

That's a trick question.

If I say yes, you'll get mad.

If I say no, I'm lying.

Cleveland,
this is a crisis.

We need
marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling?

How much is that
going to cost?

$80 a week.

$80?!

Do you know how many inches
of five-dollar foot-longs

we could buy with that?

Cleveland jr.:
192!

See, what would
you rather have?

A happy marriage or
lots of sandwich?

Cleveland jr.:
Lots of sandwich!

That'll be all, buddy.

Cleveland, we're going to
marriage counseling,

and that's final.

Fine, but I will do nothing
but groan.

Like this.
(groans)

And mutter like this.

(muttering):
Marriage counseling.

Perry!

Rallo must've
changed his mind!

This is what I imagined was in
the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

I see you notice the
hotel-quality minibar.

I took the liberty of
stocking it up for you.

Here's a list of
prices for reference.

What?! You want me
to pay eight dollars

for a package
of six peanut M&M's?!

God, no.

I want you to
pay eight dollars for a package of

six peanut M&M's in your room.

I see what you're doing,
but it won't work.

I'm going to go down
to the store

and stock up on treats
for a tenth of the price.

You're right, Junior.

Enjoy your quarter-mile trip.

Quarter mile?

No, I can make it.

(groaning)

It's got to be, what,
58 degrees out there?

Stay warm.

I'll be fine.

(wind whistling)

Cartoons!

Cleveland, I'm sounding
like a broken record here,

but what Donna is saying
is a reasonable request.

Oh, so you agree with
Donna on that, too!

So, that makes the
score nine-to-nothing.

There's no score, Cleveland.

This isn't about winning.

She's right, Cleveland.

Ten-nothing.

Slaughter rule,
I'm out of here.

I sense your frustration,
Cleveland.

But Donna wasn't asking you
to renew your vows

so you could change the
parameters of your marriage.

She was asking you
to reaffirm your love

and commitment to her.

Word for word,
that's exactly what I told him.

I never heard Donna say
anything close that that.

Cleveland, I believe

that you never heard
Donna say that.

Yeah! I finally
get on the board.

Because you were not
listening to Donna.

You've got a slappable
face, you know that?

I understand
marriage counseling is stressful, Cleveland.

So, I'm going to
write you a prescription.

Come on, Xanax.
Daddy needs some Xanax.

"800 milligrams of
listening to Donna

five times a day"?

And I should warn you,

side effects may include:
a stronger marriage.

And who knows, you might
even enjoy the things

she likes to do.

DONNA:
Lingerie pillow fight!

What an interesting name
for a modern art piece.

It has a magnificent
otherness.

Mm-hmm. Magnificent.

Negative space.

Bryant Gumbel.

Get it?
Black square.

Wasting my best stuff
at a museum.

(stomach grumbling)

Come on, stomach,
now you're being silly.

No chocolate covered almond
is worth $16.

Even you have to admit that.

(stomach grumbling)

I'm sorry.
No, I want it, too.

Maybe just one.

(stomach sighs)

You're welcome.

And next time, Cleveland,
maybe instead of telling her

not to cry
because she's tired,

you can try
crying with her.

Oh, Doctor, you are an angel
sent from heaven.

Can I use your crapper?

Certainly.
Here's the key.

Cleveland, let me try
an experiment here.

If you're happy
and you know it, clap your hands.

Hmm. Did you notice
you didn't clap?

Yeah, that's for
one of two reasons:

either you're happy
and you don't know it,

or you're not happy.

Or I suppose you may just
not want to show it.

The test is flawed.

What I'm trying to say to you
is: how'd you like to win?

Why did your eyes narrow
like that?

I'm just saying,
for the right price,

I could start making
things go your way.

Maybe for an extra $100
a week, hmm?

You're asking me to bribe you
to take my side

in disputes with my wife?!

Yes, you're right.

It was inappropriate
to suggest...

Bah-bah-bah!
I simply needed half a second

to absorb the magnitude
of your obscene proposal.

Do you know today's date?

(toilet flushes)

(sighs):
Ah.

You know, Donna, your abrupt
departure facilitated--

which means "led to"--
a breakthrough with Cleveland.

I think giving him
a little freedom

might actually
solidify your bond.

Are you sure?
But I thought...

Do not argue
with the man!

He's a doctor,
kinda!

Thank you.

We'll see you
in a week.

(door opens, closes)

Wait two days
before you cash that check.

Wait 20 minutes before
you go into that bathroom.

Cleveland,
you've been bouncing

on that trampoline
for three hours.

Donna, what has Dr. Nerse

been telling us
the past few sessions?

(sighs) To support
your inner child,

because your
father never did.

Right.

Jordan! Ah!

Say it, say it.

Swish.

There it is!

(bottles clinking)

Morning, sir.

I assume everything has been
to your satisfaction thus far?

What are you
doing in my room?

Restocking.

But I only had
one or two treats.

Your wastebasket
disagrees, sir.

(crying):
I have a problem!

Well, here's another one.

$1,300.89?!

That's ridiculous!

How am I going
to pay for that?!

No idea.

Of course,
I'd stop eating if I were you.

Right, right, stop eating.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm in the 'Blerone Zone.

But this is it.
I swear.

How are you doing that?

(screams)

(laughs)

(panting)

Why can't I quit you?

(groans)

Dr. Nerse, this is
how he dressed

for my niece's baptism
yesterday.

Jesus is a
Cowboys fan.

Jesus loves soccer!

Donna, Cleveland is correct.

Jesus is a Cowboys fan.

Thank you, Dr. Nerse.

Wait in the car, Donna.

The men need to talk.

(door opens, closes)

Doc, you're a miracle worker.

Eh, I'm glad you're happy
with the results, Cleveland.

But I'm afraid there's
been a price increase.

Whatever it is,
I'll pay it.

What'd it go up
to? 101, 103?

It's gone up to coming over
Saturday night

and sleeping with my wife.

I beg your
you-got-to-be-(beep)-me?

My wife has always wanted
to have sex with a black man.

And like most Jews,
I only know one black person.

And that's you.

You know, Doc,
I think my marriage

is feeling all better now.

So, this will be all...

If you don't sleep
with my wife,

I'll have no choice
but to tell Donna

you bribed me.

(gulps)
I see.

Let me ask you,
Cleveland,

how would that
make her feel, hmm?

Happy or sad?

Sad.
That's right.

So, you'll do
what I say.

Okay.

(whimpering)

(snoring)

(whimpering)

(snoring)

(whimpering)

(snoring)

Now, be careful,
I got pancakes in there.

Absolutely, ma'am.

I'll bring them
up to your room

after you settle in.

I hope you're
here to pay me.

I am.

But I'm not paying with money.

I'm paying with the law!

It's says,
"Not for resale."

(gulps)

Rallo Tubbs,
you're guilty of

over 1,200 counts
of reselling a food item

that is not for resale.

You'll never get me!

(grunting)

Please, Junior,
I'll do anything.

Just don't turn me in,
I can't go back.

Everything about me
is much too pretty.

All right,
but under one condition.

You name it.

Give me full custody
of the fridge,

erase all my debt, and
shave one of those fake parts

in your Afro like
Arnold Drummond had.

Who?
Gary Coleman!

Wow.

All that sadness,
and now forgotten.

Oh, my God, I can't
(whistle) my therapist's wife!

But my therapist won't let me
not (honk) my therapist's wife!

What if you
just lightly (steam whistle) her (cat screeching)?

Not even that.

I made a vow never
to cheat on Donna.

Although, what if
I rewrote the vows?

Been down that road.

Landed you in treatment.

Gabriel Byrne. David Byrne.

Burning down the house.

Bringing Down the House.

Queen Latifah. Queen.
Freddy...

Much better.

Look, the reason Donna
took you to counseling

was to save
your marriage.

And now the only way
to save your marriage

is to sleep
with this woman.

Cleveland, unlike the
gays, you have no choice.

Lester!

They did not give us this
platform to spread ignorance.

But for Donna's sake,
I will not spend the night or cuddle.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm a cuddler.

Now, Cleveland,
my wife isn't looking

for anything
kinky or weird.

Can I do it with my
underwear and tube socks on?

Yeah, however
you guys do it.

WOMAN:
You're late.

I like that.

It's authentic.

Thank you.

(moaning)

(grunts)
What am I doing?!

I, Cleveland Brown,
love my wife.

But even more than that,

I respect her.

And I will not
be unfaithful to her

as long as we both shall live.

I will no longer lie to her,
nor will I lie with you.

Nor be on my knees,

nor assume any type
of wheelbarrow position.

I am a happily married man.

And a pretty happy guy.

And that's therapy.

And those are the vows
I wanted to hear.

Dr. Nerse, Donna!

What are you doing
in this bedroom?!

Are you sleeping
with the therapist

to save our marriage?

Oh, Donna.

No, Cleveland,
don't you see?

This was all a scheme
so that you'd realize

your true feelings
for Donna.

Well, how about that.

It took you longer than
most patients.

Most men feel too guilty
to pay a bribe

to gain a tactical advantage
in their marriage.

What?
Not me.

I knew you would never
betray me, Cleveland.

Does your wife want to
have sex with a black woman?

(laughter)

We had a lot
of fun tonight,

but there's nothing funny
about marriage counseling.

It's a waste of
everyone's money

and they always
side with the wife.

Happy Valentine's Day,
everybody!

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