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00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,702
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,005
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,138
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:11,983
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,109
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,145
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,520
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,189
♪ It's true love we share
9
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,347
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,786
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:26,832
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,957
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
13
00:00:28,963 --> 00:00:31,203
(chuckles)
14
00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:37,203
Johns Hopkins has a
world-class medical program!
15
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,474
Villanova is America's
1 tech school!
16
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,943
Miami of Ohio has
hardly any black people!
17
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,942
Donna, can we please go now?
18
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:46,184
Being in school at night
is for janitors.
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,550
I know, Cleveland.
20
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,848
But Roberta is going to college
in a couple of years
21
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,150
and I'm worried
about her future.
22
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,492
You know, we could save
ourselves a bunch of time
23
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,647
and just check out
the safety schools.
24
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,256
(spits)
25
00:00:58,658 --> 00:00:59,988
Tufts good.
26
00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:01,094
Come to school.
27
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,095
Major in fire.
28
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,757
Hey,"Don't Ask, Don't Tell,"
how's the wars goin'?
29
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:06,996
(chuckles)
Just kidding.
30
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:08,931
Thank you for
your service.
31
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,496
Would your son or daughter
be interested
32
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,304
in a career in
the armed forces?
33
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,036
Ha!
What are we, poor?
34
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,941
(chuckles)
You funny.
35
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,843
But seriously,
thank you.
36
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:24,124
Hey, that's my
alma mater, Stat!
37
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,188
(braying)
38
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,147
(braying)
39
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:30,015
(both braying)
40
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:32,994
I take it you'll be attending
our homecoming this weekend.
41
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,463
Homecoming's this weekend?!
42
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:36,132
Oh, I am there!
43
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,860
In spirit, but not actually.
44
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:40,325
I promised my wife
I'd clean out the garage.
45
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:46,035
(clocks ticking)
46
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,670
(clocks cuckooing)
47
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,335
(sighs)
48
00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:57,022
College night?
49
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,847
I'm not going to college.
50
00:01:58,853 --> 00:01:59,993
Rihannadidn't go.
51
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,947
Kim Kardashiandidn't go.
52
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:04,116
"Hide your kids,
hide your wife" didn't go
53
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,085
and they're all
doing just fine.
54
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:07,833
My parents is the same way.
55
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:10,998
They be all, "Yo, Gabriel,
go to college like we did
56
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,928
and become professors
like we are" and Shabbat.
57
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,534
I'm like, "Blap dat."
58
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,996
Yo, Ro, I wish I could
kiss you right now.
59
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,135
Then why don't you?
60
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,110
'Cause your 'rents just landed.
61
00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:23,378
Hello, Mrs. Tubbs.
Papa Smurf.
62
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,507
I told him I'm Papa Smurf.
Kid's a moron.
63
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:29,054
Have a smurfy day!
A'ight.
64
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:32,579
Roberta, you need to start
thinking about college.
65
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:35,946
So, this weekend, you and I
are going on a college tour.
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00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,856
What?
I'm not doing that.
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00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,488
This weekend is QUAMMPF.
68
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,963
The Queercore Underground
Afrobeat Microhouse
69
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,862
Memphis Soul Post-Metal
Folk Festival?!
70
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,134
I don't think so.
71
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,972
19 teenage girls
got killed there last year,
72
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:51,138
according to the CSI episode
that was loosely based on it.
73
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,868
I'm more of a Columbo guy.
74
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,943
(imitating Columbo):
Hey, where's those criminals?
75
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:57,042
Cleveland, go drink
some water and lie down.
76
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,514
I don't need no water.
77
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,182
(increase TV volume)
As for you, young lady, you most certainly are
78
00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,422
going on that
tour with me. No, I'm not!
79
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,247
No, I'm not.
I'm going to QUAMMPF! "L"? There's never any "L"s.
80
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,992
The hell you are!
I don't need a college tour!
81
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,087
I'm not even going
to college! "Love's Labor's Lost!"
82
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,259
Cleveland, turn that off!
83
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,287
Roberta says she's
not going to college!
84
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,863
Rihannadidn't go to college.
85
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,591
Kim Kardashian
didn't go to college.
86
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,956
Cleveland,
those girls have talent
87
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,264
and/or pornography
to fall back on.
88
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,766
What is Roberta gonna do?
89
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,968
Well, if she learns about shoes,
she could sell shoes...
90
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,641
People need shoes...
91
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,339
Shoes.
92
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:32,836
Well, Larry, thanks
for running lines with me,
93
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,206
but I blew the audition.
94
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,575
You'd think they'd never seen
a naked 14-ye...
95
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,150
Larry?
96
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,992
Larry?
97
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:42,023
Larry?
98
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:49,434
Where are you, Larry?
99
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,030
(clocks ticking)
100
00:03:55,868 --> 00:03:58,338
Larry?
Larry, where are you?
101
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,169
(washer buzzes)
102
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:02,874
Please, no.
103
00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:05,907
Please, no.
104
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:11,077
(screams)
105
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,745
What have you done
to Larry, woman?!
106
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,124
Oh, I finally washed
that nasty thing.
107
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,423
It was all covered
in dirt and sweat and drool.
108
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,155
And peanut butter
and toothpaste and tears!
109
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,101
That was all part
of his essence,
110
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,097
and you washed it away!
111
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:28,269
(sniffs) I don't even know
who you are anymore!
112
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:32,099
On the bright side, at least
you finally did some laundry.
113
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,541
I can't believe I can't
go back for homecoming
114
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:40,854
just 'cause I have to clean out
the stinky old garage.
115
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,518
(sighs)
Look what's happened to my life.
116
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,687
It's all cleaning the garage
and flushing the toilet,
117
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,017
and then it's off to bed
by a quarter to 10:00
118
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:50,923
because if I don't get
nine hours,
119
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,264
I can't walk or use my left arm.
120
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,760
Of course, I wake up
a few times a night
121
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:59,503
from my acid reflux.
(grunting burp)
122
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,530
Gus, some bread?
123
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:02,995
What's happened
to you?!
124
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,043
My best days
are behind me.
125
00:05:05,039 --> 00:05:07,169
Not like when
I was in college.
126
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,474
I was the B.M.O.C.:
127
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,806
Big Mustache on Campus.
128
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,012
Here's that slice of bread
you asked for, Cleve...
129
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,984
♪
130
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,053
Hi...
(giggles)
131
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:30,257
♪
132
00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:37,635
The answer is four.
133
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:38,538
That is incorrect.
134
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,869
Don't care.
College!
135
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:46,038
ALL:
B.M.O.C! B.M.O.C!
136
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,946
B.M.O.C!
137
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,578
CLEVELAND:
B.M.O.C!
138
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,383
B.M.O.C!
139
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:54,619
My legs have gotten gross.
140
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:57,191
Too bad you can't just take
Roberta on that college trip
141
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:59,021
because then you could go
to homecoming,
142
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,356
and that sounds exactly
like what you need
143
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:02,492
to feel young again.
144
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,296
Lester, that's brilliant!
145
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:06,158
Gus, a beer for Lester!
146
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,226
No.
147
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:18,043
Donna, I'm taking Roberta
on that college tour.
148
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,705
You better than I?!
149
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,113
(laughing haughtily)
150
00:06:22,116 --> 00:06:23,446
I mean it!
151
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,080
Look, Roberta doesn't want
to go to college
152
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,015
because you're making it
sound like it's full of nerds.
153
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:31,091
And when I went to college,
we hated nerds.
154
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,331
Even made them start
their own fraternity.
155
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:35,927
Now, I'm not gonna lie:
they did get their revenge--
156
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:38,129
several times,
once in paradise.
157
00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:40,002
Nerds!
158
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,130
But why would she listen
to you and not me?
159
00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:45,466
Because teenage girls
are subhuman parasites
160
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,542
who must feast on their
mothers' misery to survive.
161
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:48,941
True.
162
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:53,152
After this weekend, I guarantee
she'll want to go to college.
163
00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:54,647
You know, Cleveland,
you're right.
164
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,308
I don't want to ruin college
for her.
165
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:57,976
She's all yours.
166
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,785
Just make sure she goes
to her admissions interview.
167
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,258
I promise.
Hey, Roberta!
168
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:06,487
ROBERTA: What?!
I'm taking you on your college tour this weekend!
169
00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:09,163
The hell you are!
I'm going to QUAMMPF.
170
00:07:09,163 --> 00:07:12,763
So you can go
(bleep) yourself!
171
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,166
If I could do that to myself,
172
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:17,138
I wouldn't be going anywhere
this weekend!
173
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,667
(laughing)
174
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,880
Junior, what are you doing
bumping around?
175
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,280
It's "this o'clock."
176
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:31,082
I can't sleep because Larry
doesn't smell right.
177
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:34,854
He smells like Snuggles,
the gay fabric softener bear.
178
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,815
Just 'cause I's clean don't mean
I don't like it dirty.
179
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:38,955
Hmm!
180
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,829
A'ight, Snuggle.
181
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:41,988
Man, look at yourself.
182
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,325
You're better than this,
183
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:46,300
14 and still sleeping
with a stuffed animal.
184
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,930
It's time you learn
to sleep on your own.
185
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:52,436
Now get on that demoralized
mattress and go to sleep.
186
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,839
I don't know
if this is going to work.
187
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,112
Who will watch the door
188
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,109
to make sure a black vampire
doesn't come in?
189
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,051
Why you gotta
specify black, Junior?
190
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,977
Look, I'm scared, okay?
191
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:05,022
Shh-shh. It's gonna be fine.
192
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,588
Rallo will watch over you.
193
00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:13,191
(humming "Amazing Grace")
194
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,165
Now, remember,
Roberta's interview
195
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,468
is at 8:00
tomorrow morning.
196
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,139
Donna, stop worrying.
197
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:27,007
This is going to be the best
weekend of Roberta's young life.
198
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,877
Damn right it is.
199
00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:36,247
(starts engine)
200
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:39,453
CLEVELAND:
Roberta, the first thing you need to know
201
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:41,693
about college is on this tape.
202
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,158
("Two Princes"
by Spin Doctors plays) CLEVELAND: ♪ Yeah...
203
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:47,127
♪ One, two, princes
kneel before you... ♪
204
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,427
(burping)
205
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,859
Roberta, give me that bread
out the glove box!
206
00:08:57,637 --> 00:09:00,367
This is it, Roberta!
College.
207
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,974
Mm.
Back on cam.
208
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:06,036
Ooh, look. There's
a campus security officer.
209
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,176
He has no weapon
and no legal authority.
210
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,981
You can do anything
you want to him.
211
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,083
Watch.
212
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,254
Hey!
213
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,952
Don't make me warn you.
214
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:17,264
(laughs) How much you make
a year, fake cop?
215
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,087
$65,000.
216
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,092
(deep voice):
Really?
217
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,163
(tower bell rings)
218
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,432
See this, Roberta?
219
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,100
This is the College Grill.
220
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,968
We used to just
call it "the Grill."
221
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,967
We'd say, "Meet you
at the Grill."
222
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,769
Used to come in
for grilled cheese...
223
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:34,011
...at midnight.
Can you handle that?
224
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,937
Do you still serve
grilled cheeses here?
225
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,113
No, the campus
banned trans fats.
226
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,211
(deep voice):
Really? (bell tower rings)
227
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,052
Yo, Ro.
228
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:43,578
Wow, Cleveland,
you've inspired me
229
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:45,284
to explore the campus
on my own.
230
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,085
So... meet back here
in a day and a half?
231
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,288
Uh-uh, nooo!
232
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,160
I promised your mother
I would make you
233
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,789
want to go to college
and get you to that interview.
234
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,255
Now, let's check out
my old fraternity!
235
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,304
Yay!
236
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:01,268
Brew bros!
237
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,707
So, I've decided
to kill myself.
238
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:10,178
Is that why you
didn't buy any food?
239
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,207
ROBERTA:
Kappa Alpha Kappa.
240
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,282
Ah, the KAK house.
241
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,411
Where my KAKs at?!
242
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,276
Cleveland Brown, class of '92,
243
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:21,245
Keg Return Chair, gettin'
your deposits back, y'all!
244
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,994
The B.M.O.C. is back!
245
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,961
Dude, get a load
of this lose-bag.
246
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,089
Yeah, let's mess
with that scum-hog.
247
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,525
College slang!
248
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,200
Wow, you're the
Cleveland Brown?
249
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,630
In pers.
250
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:35,925
We hoped you'd come
this weekend!
251
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:36,936
I'm Brad.
252
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,697
That's Murphy,
and this is Fart.
253
00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:39,465
(farts)
254
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,373
Awesome.
255
00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:42,014
You showed up just in time.
256
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:44,509
We're just about to choose
this year's coolest alum,
257
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,041
or "Plum Alum."
258
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,906
And if you win,
you'll get your name engraved
259
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:49,905
on the wall of fame
260
00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:53,615
where the most legendary KAKs
are immortalized forever.
261
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:56,760
The Wall of Fame?!
Wow!
262
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,287
What do I need
to do to win?
263
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,661
You'll compete
against other alums
264
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:02,790
in a series of events:
beer pong, keg stands,
265
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:05,526
keg sits, keg squa,
beer pound...
266
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,772
Easy! I could be
the Plum Alum!
267
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,598
Roberta, you could see me
as Plum Alum.
268
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,043
I got Plum Alum
in me, right?
269
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,498
You do!
270
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:16,006
You've got to go for it,
even if it takes several hours
271
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,939
and you completely forget
about me.
272
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:21,014
I'll just be sitting right here
on this gross couch.
273
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,615
'Sup?
274
00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,247
(laughs)
275
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:32,321
Dude, I was this close
to sealing the deal.
276
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,925
(sighs)
277
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:38,828
Ba-blap, ba-blap.
Ba-blap, ba-blap.
278
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,532
(quacking):
QUAMMPF. QUAMMPF.
279
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,804
QUAMMPF. QUAMMPF.
280
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:46,543
Finally, we can get
our QUAMMPFs on.
281
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,840
(moaning)
282
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:50,943
Gabriel?
283
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,944
Professor and Professor
Friedman.
284
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:57,016
(gasps):
You convinced Gabriel to come on the college tour?
285
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,247
I bet you Rebecca Goldman
couldn't have done that.
286
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,422
Maybe we are better off
with this one.
287
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:03,491
Your parents
teach here at State?
288
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,920
Why didn't you tell me?
289
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:07,185
I can't keep track of where
everybody's professin'.
290
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:10,134
Come on. We'll give
you the grand tour.
291
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,860
Well, let's get
this party started!
292
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:18,036
First stop: an introductory
linguistics seminar-izzle.
293
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,868
Eh, Gabriel?
294
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,013
Is that one?
295
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,267
Yeah, that's one.
296
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,077
♪ Brush 'em till they bleed
297
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,483
♪ Swallow down the blood
298
00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:33,615
♪ Use some Listerine
299
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:34,950
(screams)
300
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,385
Oh, yeah, I should
brush my teeth, too.
301
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:43,964
Well, good night.
302
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,004
My first night flying solo.
303
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,999
Who's sleeping all by himself?
304
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,371
Who's a big boy?
305
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,369
I am.
306
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,770
I'm a dangerously big boy.
307
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,613
Thanks for being there
for me, Rallo.
308
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,108
Hey, you don't need
that jive-ass leopard
309
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,780
when you got me.
310
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,617
What the...?
311
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,247
Junior's room?
312
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:08,422
Ah, fool kidnapped me
from my own bed.
313
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,591
Oh, my God, I'm the new Larry!
314
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,420
Junior, wake up!
315
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,755
Wake up!
316
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,990
(grunting)
317
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,295
I thought I'd have
to fall a lot further
318
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,427
before I became a fat man's toy.
319
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:24,671
(groaning)
320
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:25,671
(slurping)
321
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:26,872
Yeah!
322
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:30,283
Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!
323
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,637
Looks like we
have a winner!
324
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:34,146
CROWD (chanting):
Plum Alum! Plum Alum!
325
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:37,077
I'm fine to drive.
326
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:42,354
Thanks for the tour,
Mr. and Mrs. Professor Friedman.
327
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:45,485
We better get started on all
this homework you've given us,
328
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,862
even though we don't know
who to turn it in to.
329
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,431
Eh, rip it up
when you're done.
330
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,499
It's just busywork to keep
your ding-dong in your pants.
331
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,629
Well, we better
hurry home.
332
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,334
It's sundown somewhere.
333
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,396
(both laugh)
334
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:03,781
To the Blapmobile!
335
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,081
I did it!
336
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,921
Wait. Why am I on a donkey?
337
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,847
Ladies and gentlemen,
we present to you
338
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:16,154
this year's Dumb Alum...
339
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,756
Plum Alum.
340
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:20,117
No, Dumb Alum.
341
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,926
You dirty
double crossers!
342
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,497
Roberta!
343
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:27,599
Help me!
344
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:28,771
(tires screeching)
345
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,338
Cleveland Brown, everybody.
346
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,437
An ass tied to an ass.
347
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:35,039
CROWD (chanting):
Ass to ass! Ass to ass! (farting)
348
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,441
No!
349
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:39,513
It's never good
when I hear that chant.
350
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:42,812
Ass to ass! Ass to ass!
351
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,246
Ass to ass!
352
00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:49,686
(rock music playing)
353
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,289
(crowd cheering)
354
00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:58,034
(whimpering)
355
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:00,434
This is QUAMMPF?
356
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,333
This is no better
than QUEEMPF.
357
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,035
The all-female QUAMMPF?
358
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,767
Hey, those are the guys
from Cleveland's frat house.
359
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,043
What are y'all doing here?
360
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,371
It's QUAMMPF.
361
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,976
Every college kid has to go
to every event ever.
362
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:13,308
Where's Cleveland?
363
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:14,783
(all laughing)
(farting)
364
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,811
Nah, we duct-taped him
to a donkey,
365
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,246
then sent him off
into the woods.
366
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,251
(all laughing)
(farting)
367
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,253
That sounds dangerous.
368
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,424
Is he all right?
369
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,692
Calm down,
pelvic bone.
370
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:25,090
He'll be fine.
371
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,931
Yeah, so why don't you send
Malibu's Most Wanted here
372
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,958
back to high school
and party with us tonight?
373
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:30,963
(groans)
374
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:33,034
(scoffs)
I don't think so.
375
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:35,133
I'm going to go
find Cleveland.
376
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,265
Maybe he's in your shirt.
377
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:37,799
How about I take a look?
378
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,374
Keep your hizzles
off my tizzles!
379
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:40,372
Oh!
380
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,443
Stay down, Fed.
381
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,712
I was going to.
382
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:44,980
(neck cracks)
383
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,678
(breasts crack)
384
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:56,086
(farts)
385
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:56,959
(grunts)
386
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:57,987
Where is he?
387
00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,261
North end of the woods,
just off campus!
388
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,490
(groaning)
389
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,804
(British accent):
You'll be sorry!
390
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,797
I'm a prince!
391
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:09,069
(farting)
392
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,709
(grunts)
393
00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,108
Come on, Junior. Wake up!
394
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:18,979
Wake up! Wake up!
395
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,309
(snoring)
396
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,653
Breakfast.
397
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,908
Breakfast?
398
00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:24,416
Finally.
(sighs)
399
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,077
Morning, sunshine!
400
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,916
Another great night of sleep
without Larry the Leopard.
401
00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:30,622
Yeah, 'cause I was Larry!
402
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,023
You grabbed me out of my bed
while I slept!
403
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,956
I was feeling a little lonely.
404
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:37,031
Wait a minute.
What are these pajamas?
405
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,600
Oh, those are Larry's.
406
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,798
Thought you'd look cute.
407
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:40,969
And I was right!
408
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:41,997
(giggles)
409
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,942
Well, that explains
the tail hole.
410
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:45,937
But you can't just
replace Larry with me!
411
00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:47,709
Rallo, I really don't
need your permission.
412
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,007
What?
413
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:52,439
You weigh 30 pounds,
and me-- I'm a behemoth.
414
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,275
I'll just throw you
over my shoulder.
415
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,850
Well, I'll
sneak away.
416
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:56,909
I'll come get you again.
417
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,346
I'll tell Mom!
418
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,151
DONNA (in distance):
I've got my own problems!
419
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:07,131
Cleveland! Cleveland!
420
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,487
This weekend's
been a disaster.
421
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:12,156
Let's never set foot on
a college campus again.
422
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:13,965
Well, I don't know.
423
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:15,267
That art history lecture
424
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,668
your parents took us to
was pretty cool.
425
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:18,670
Oh, wow.
426
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:19,971
Brain freeze.
427
00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:21,873
You actually thinking
about going to college?
428
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,835
Well, maybe.
429
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,013
(whimpering)
430
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,082
Cleveland!
431
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,350
Are you okay?
432
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:32,078
Roberta, I have taken
this beast as my bride.
433
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,845
Her name is Susan.
434
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,423
We are Democrats.
435
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:36,652
All right,
we found him.
436
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,356
Let's go home.
No way.
437
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,118
I got to get to my interview.
438
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,026
What?! Why?!
439
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,627
Listen, Federline.
440
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,659
I get good grades, and I haven't
even told my mom this yet,
441
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:49,025
but I was in the 98th percentile
for the PSATs.
442
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,865
You aced the prostate exam, too?
443
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,970
How comes you never told me
you were smart?
444
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,712
Because I don't want to go
around telling the whole world
445
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:58,278
I'm a genius
like James Franco.
446
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,608
And I guess I do
want to go to college.
447
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,453
Now, let's get
to that interview.
448
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:05,179
You ain't never going to
get there by 8:00 a.m., Ro.
449
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:09,245
This smells very bad.
450
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,455
We're gonna make it.
451
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,089
Yah!
452
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,430
(brays loudly)
453
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,136
CLEVELAND:
Ah! Branches!
454
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,138
Thorns!
455
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,609
Sedimentary rocks!
456
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,507
Geology minor.
457
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,990
(brays loudly)
458
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:46,020
I'm Roberta Tubbs.
459
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:50,025
And I am here, on time,
for my interview.
460
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:52,029
Hi.
461
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:56,769
Mama, if you need me, I'll be
staying at the Holiday Inn.
462
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:59,199
Smart. Get those
midweek rates.
463
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:01,205
Wait, is this about
you and Junior?
464
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,137
You don't understand
what it's like
465
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:06,343
to have a sweaty fat guy
smother you all night long.
466
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,776
Oh, I do, but I don't get
to go to the Holiday Inn.
467
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:12,822
We don't run from our problems
in this family.
468
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:13,989
We trick people.
469
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,417
I'm listening.
470
00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:19,121
Bing-bong. I'll get it.
471
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,655
Well, what have we here?
472
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,931
A leopard.
473
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:25,599
If that's Larry,
tell him I moved on.
474
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,098
It's not. Look.
475
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,930
The poor thing only has one eye.
476
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,196
Well, who is it?
477
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,104
There's a note.
478
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,936
"I had to go because
I don't smell right anymore.
479
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,983
"Please take care
of my one-eyed son,
480
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,248
"who likes to be held
when he sleeps.
481
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,347
Love, Larry the Leopard."
482
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:46,919
I guess I could look after him,
even though I have zero years
483
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,850
of stuffed leopard
caretaking experience.
484
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:51,085
I'll just stick him
in front of the TV
485
00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:52,320
with a bowl
of chocolate milk.
486
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,515
No!
487
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,686
Leopards can't metabolize
chocolate.
488
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,325
And at his age, he should watch
489
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,930
no more than a half-hour
of TV a day!
490
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:02,333
Well, in that case,
maybe I'll just drown him.
491
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,135
Larry the Leopard
Junior, no!
492
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:07,537
Oh, wow, we're both Juniors.
493
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,110
(giggles)
494
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:10,808
I'll keep you safe.
495
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,440
Let me tell you some stories
about your dad.
496
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:17,006
He was a great friend
before he lost his stink.
497
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,946
But that won't happen to you.
498
00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:22,422
I'm gonna stink
you up real good.
499
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:25,962
Any day he doesn't snap
and kill us all is a victory.
500
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:32,598
I just got off the phone
with the admissions officer.
501
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,129
They loved you!
502
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,533
Well, yeah.
503
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:38,295
I told them about my passion
for higher education,
504
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:39,974
which I discovered on the trip.
505
00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:41,443
Mm?
506
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,011
And they were impressed
by my ability
507
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:47,450
to care for my mentally
incapacitated stepfather.
508
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,777
Mm?
509
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:51,481
So, does this mean you
might want to go to State?
510
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,954
State?! That Podunk school?!
511
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:54,822
Where I'm going is gonna cost
way more than that.
512
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,091
BOTH:
Really?
513
00:20:56,141 --> 00:21:00,691
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