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1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:03,670
♪ Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,171
♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane
3
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,543
♪ Vixen and Blitzen
and all his reindeer ♪
4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:11,382
♪ Pulling on the reins
5
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,779
♪ Bells are ringing,
children singing ♪
6
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,381
♪ All is merry and bright
7
00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:18,483
♪ So hang your stockings
and say your prayers ♪
8
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:20,486
♪ 'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonight ♪
9
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:23,788
♪ Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪
10
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:26,031
♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane
11
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:29,187
♪ He's got a bag
that's filled with toys ♪
12
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,326
♪ For boys and girls again
13
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:34,232
♪ Hear those sleigh bells
jingle jangle ♪
14
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:36,195
♪ Oh, what a beautiful sight
15
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,403
♪ So, jump in bed
16
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,595
♪ And cover your head
17
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,636
♪ 'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonight. ♪
18
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,542
(bells jingling)
19
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:45,735
Christmas trees!
20
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,176
Get your Christmas trees!
21
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:51,651
Don't let your neighbors
mistake you for a Moslem!
22
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:52,922
Oh, Donna, I'm so happy.
23
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,690
This is our first
Christmas together.
24
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:56,759
Mm... mwa!
25
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,257
This one looks good.
26
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,689
Hmm, full on top,
27
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:01,964
big, old bottom--
28
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,702
just my type,
right, Donna?
29
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,267
Don't forget bushy
in the front.
30
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,727
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
31
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,965
♪ My anaconda don't want none ♪
32
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:12,870
♪ Unless you got buns, hon,
baby got back. ♪
33
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,243
Ooh, baby, you keep moving
like that,
34
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,642
I'm gonna jump in there
for a "treeway."
35
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:19,675
Ha, ha,
ho, ho! (laughing)
36
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,350
You freak it,
you buy it.
37
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:24,578
Then I guess we've
got ourselves a tree.
38
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,715
Ow, bitch!
What the hell?!
39
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,790
I pick the tree for this family.
40
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,189
You know, since
Robert left,
41
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,461
I have been letting
Rallo pick the tree.
42
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,130
All right, then pick one.
43
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,428
I got one right here.
44
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,499
What? That lame little
pint-sized thing?!
45
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:39,429
(groans)
46
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,233
There's nothing
to grab onto.
47
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,595
It's like an Asian
or a little boy
48
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:44,744
or a little Asian boy.
49
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,968
♪ My anaconda
don't want... ♪
50
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,244
Oh, come on now.
I feel ridiculous
51
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,743
singing that to this tree.
52
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:52,714
It's wrong. Wrong!
53
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:53,853
This tree is wrong!
54
00:01:53,848 --> 00:01:55,308
We're getting the one I want.
55
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,576
Man, you don't know
nothing about Christmas.
56
00:01:57,585 --> 00:02:00,085
My real dad knew
how to pick out a tree.
57
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:04,457
Too bad he's busy off busting
mafia punks for the FBI.
58
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,328
FBI? What kind of horse...
59
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,457
Yeah, Robert's off
working for the FBI.
60
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,702
What are you talking
abou-- ow! Bitch!
61
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,328
Ow! What the hell?!
62
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:16,643
What is it with your family
and kicking people?!
63
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,212
How can you
let Rallo believe
64
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,668
that Robert is
an FBI agent?
65
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:26,746
Maybe if it stood for
"Freeloading, Boozing Idiot."
66
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:27,447
(laughs)
67
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,718
Hey, that was right off
the top of my head.
68
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,447
Suck on that, Wayne Brady.
69
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:32,782
Look, Rallo kept
asking him
70
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,046
why he never
came to visit.
71
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,924
Next thing I know,
Robert's telling him
72
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:38,763
he's an undercover agent,
so I just went with it.
73
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:39,929
You lied to your child?
74
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,757
It's like my great-grandmother
used to say,
75
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:45,232
"A lie is just
an upside down truth."
76
00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:45,762
What?!
77
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,726
(thinking):
Hmm, can I trust Donna?
78
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:49,996
Look, I'll tell
him the truth
79
00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:51,704
when he's older and
can handle it better.
80
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,465
I guess sometimes lying
is the right thing to do.
81
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:58,775
Like the time I ran
into that guy from Entourage.
82
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:02,809
Hey, you're
Adrian Gr... (mumbles)
83
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,346
from Entourage.
84
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,081
Yes, I am.
85
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,285
Yeah, you're
totally believable
86
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:08,748
as a big movie star,
87
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,556
with your weird
pot belly,
88
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:13,388
spindly arms
and huge head.
89
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,660
Your body is gross.
90
00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:20,272
Wow!
91
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:23,897
Your boss goes all out
for the office Christmas party.
92
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,574
Why does
Mr. Waterman have
93
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,473
shirtless men
walking all around?
94
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:28,914
Well, Rallo, when
you're older,
95
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,379
there are
things that...
96
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:31,777
Oh, is he a gay?
97
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:32,739
Yes, he is a gay.
98
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,706
Well, he knows
how to do Christmas
99
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,775
better than you,
Plump Chump.
100
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:37,424
(growls)
101
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:40,488
I'm gonna need this
and plenty more.
102
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:42,487
(giggles)
103
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,919
The bubbles tickle my nose.
104
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,525
The Brown
family's here.
105
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:47,457
Hide the silver!
106
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,561
(laughs):
I'm joking, of course.
107
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,263
It's already hidden.
108
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,195
Welcome.
Hello, I'm Lydia,
109
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,470
Lloyd's wife.
(chuckles)
110
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,969
Oh, this is
already better than
111
00:03:56,971 --> 00:04:01,211
the last homosexual's
Christmas party I went to.
112
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,138
(wheezing)
113
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:06,212
♪ Silent night
114
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:10,723
♪ Holy night
115
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:15,018
♪ All is calm
116
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:18,992
♪ All is bright...
117
00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:20,793
Great! Well,
I'm going to head...
118
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,764
You sit back down.
119
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:27,432
♪ Round yon virgin
120
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:30,804
♪ Mother and child.
121
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:31,904
Cleveland,
I need a favor.
122
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,665
You're about Fred Peterson's
size, aren't you?
123
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,575
Ha! He wishes.
124
00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:38,007
Oh, you mean body size?
125
00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,042
Yeah. Why?
126
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,876
Fred always plays Santa Claus
at these parties--
127
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,582
big, hearty laugh,
great with the kids.
128
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:48,085
Anyway, he hanged himself
in his carport last night.
129
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,548
What?!
Yeah.
130
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:50,686
Don't know the details.
131
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,461
Apparently, he had
raped a bunch of folks.
132
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,530
Fred Peterson did?!
Yup.
133
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,659
Mm, what people do.
134
00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,165
So I was hoping,
if you don't mind,
135
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,997
that you could put
on the Santa suit
136
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,772
and entertain the kids.
137
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,141
Uh... sure.
138
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,440
It was old ladies.
139
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,511
- Huh?
- He raped old ladies.
140
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,380
Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!
141
00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:14,308
- Yup.
- Mm, have mercy.
142
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:16,578
Here you go.
143
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:18,523
Ooh, wait a minute,
the beard.
144
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,819
Where is my beard?
145
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,090
(sighs):
Right here, Lloyd.
146
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,089
(Christmas carols play)
147
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,432
Merry Christmas, Tim.
148
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:29,227
Arianna.
- It is so nice to see you, Donna.
149
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,959
As for your daughter's cleavage,
150
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,934
well, I could see
that across the room.
151
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,174
Excuse me?!
What?!
152
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:36,899
And exit Tim.
153
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:39,244
Hey, everybody,
look outside!
154
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,409
(bells jingling)
155
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,107
Ho! Ho! Ho!
156
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:44,139
Merry Christmas!
157
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,454
Oh, man!
Santa Claus?
158
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,047
Now that's a good get.
159
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,048
You actually
rented a reindeer?
160
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,420
No, my husband
owns it.
161
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,688
So, what, he keeps it
tied up somewhere,
162
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:56,287
just to bring it out
on Christmas as a prop?
163
00:05:56,290 --> 00:06:00,390
Yes. I can't imagine
how that feels.
164
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:03,064
Aw, that poor reindeer.
165
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,303
Tyra Banks says
animal cruelty is wrong,
166
00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:08,329
except when it results in
a bacon double cheeseburger.
167
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,335
We gotta do something
about this.
168
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,437
Merry Christmas,
children of Waterman Cable.
169
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,980
Mmm. That's what I'm
noggin' about.
170
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,237
One of you little kids
get up here.
171
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:20,376
(giggles, grunts)
172
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,151
All right, first off, I've
heard about your list.
173
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,450
Now, I want you
to understand
174
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:27,951
that most of the stuff
I do is more limit-testing
175
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,185
than out-and-out
naughtiness.
176
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,389
Well, what would you
like for Christmas?
177
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,492
A Slinky.
178
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:33,263
A'ight.
179
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,960
Thanks, Santa.
Good to know
180
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,132
I can count on somebody
this Christmas,
181
00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:38,831
not like my
lame-ass step-dad.
182
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:42,932
Oh, I'm sure your step-dad
is doing the best he can.
183
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,236
Santa, you're
being kind,
184
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,198
and that's who you are,
and I love that.
185
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:50,206
But no, Cleveland just
plain sucks at Christmas.
186
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,110
(chuckles)
You got a second?
187
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:56,482
Hey, Prancer, park that
tray of drinks right here.
188
00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:58,923
Attention, people of YouTube.
189
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,149
Today, I am setting
a reindeer free,
190
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:04,555
a courageous act which may
end up being seen by Tyra Banks,
191
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,458
who will then call me
and ask me to become
192
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:10,560
the Gayle to her Oprah, but
without the sexual obligations.
193
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,704
Okay, I think
I got him untied.
194
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:18,099
Mr. Reindeer,
I now give you your freed...
195
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,295
Aah, the hooves!
196
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,336
Or is it "huves"?
197
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,510
Either way, this hurts like
a "myoother fyooquer."
198
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,940
(grunts)
199
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,375
Bye!
200
00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,476
Ah, and this fool is like,
201
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,352
(mimics Cleveland):
"Gee, Donna, do you think
202
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,480
this tinsel is
a fire hazard?"
203
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,286
I'm sure that sounds
nothing like him.
204
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,459
Meanwhile,
my real dad is out there
205
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:39,558
putting his life on the line
for justice.
206
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,960
And you should see what my bozo
step-dad calls a mustache.
207
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,034
Aw, hell no!
208
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:46,162
His mustache is cool!
209
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,426
And your dad is not
an undercover agent!
210
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:52,095
Your dad is nothing
but a no-good deadbeat loser
211
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:56,065
who "freelances"
at a car wash! - What?!
212
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,436
Your dad's a bum!
213
00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:04,324
How am I gonna get out
of this one?
214
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:09,118
Find out after these loud
and off-putting messages.
215
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,227
Was Santa right
about Daddy?
216
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:18,830
That he lied about
being an FBI agent
217
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:22,202
and going undercover
as a dog to bust Michael Vick?
218
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:23,172
(slurred):
I should've--
219
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:26,640
Santa should've kept
his mouth shut.
220
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,940
(belches)
221
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:33,449
That will not
smell good.
222
00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:38,748
(sighs) I'm afraid your
dad was lying, honey.
223
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,622
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you sooner.
224
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:44,561
What about all these letters
Dad sent from Russia?
225
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,318
I sent those.
226
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,793
What about his badge?
227
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:52,925
It's a promotional item
from Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
228
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,373
What about his FBI MVP trophy?
229
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:59,369
Yeah, you can just get trophies
made for anything.
230
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,543
(squeaking)
231
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:01,711
You mean...?
232
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,708
(groans)
233
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,140
Hmm, I'm gonna keep it.
234
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:08,105
I can't believe
you've been lying to me.
235
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,375
I'm so sorry, baby.
236
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:13,953
Just know that your
family loves you very much.
237
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,494
Mm... mwa.
238
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:23,663
♪ Glo... o-o-o-o-oh
239
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:26,034
♪ O-o-o-o-oh
240
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,873
♪ O-o-o-o-oria
241
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,639
(Laura Branigan's
"Gloria" begins)
242
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,711
♪ Gloria
♪ Glorias ♪
243
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,308
♪ I think they got your number
244
00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:38,381
♪ Glorias ♪
245
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,508
♪ I think they got the alias
246
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:44,584
♪ Glorias ♪
♪ That you been living under
247
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,075
♪ Gloria.s ♪
248
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,146
ALL:
G-L-O-R-I-A!
249
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:50,615
(all panting,
scattered applause)
250
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,487
Thank you,
Wally and the Fluffers.
251
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,334
That was glorious.
252
00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:58,500
And now, the child
who was selected
253
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:01,168
from the entire student body
to read his letter
254
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:05,338
to Santa "Chhhlaus" that
just might help remind us all
255
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:08,839
what "Chhhhhhhristmas"
is really about,
256
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:12,782
an adorable little "goy,"
Rallo Tubbs.
257
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:16,149
(ancient tune plays)
258
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,590
(feedback squeals softly)
259
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,347
(clears throat)
260
00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:25,186
"Dear Santa, (bleep) you,
261
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,392
and (bleep) Christmas."
262
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,633
That's what happens
when you put a Jew
263
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:35,303
in charge
of a Christmas pageant.
264
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:42,236
This is all
your fault.
265
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,342
You hads to
go get drunk
266
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,883
and tell him the truth
about his dad.
267
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:48,078
Yeah? Well, you been lying
to him for years.
268
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,051
And it was working!
269
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,349
At least we don't
have to lie to him anymore,
270
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,251
'cause I'm done
making phone calls
271
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,053
(Robert's voice):
talkin' like this.
272
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,245
"Happy Birthday, Rallo.
273
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,556
How's your mama's
ass look?"
274
00:10:58,558 --> 00:10:59,388
You know what?
275
00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:01,633
This is my fault,
and I'll fix it.
276
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:04,528
I'll get Rallo back
into the Christmas spirit.
277
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,501
Thanks, Cleveland.
278
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,499
(Robert's voice):
Good lookin' out, doughboy.
279
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:11,836
Hey, look, Rallo!
280
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:15,538
It's Stoolbend's largest
model train exhibit.
281
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,712
Mm-hmm.
282
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,210
Look how festive.
283
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,741
It's not nearly
as depressing
284
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:21,546
as the real
railroad industry.
285
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,578
They say it's
cheaper than flying,
286
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:25,353
but that's only true
if you think
287
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:28,252
your time's worth nothing.
288
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,091
Santa's driving the train?!
289
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:35,161
You're a waste
of a life, fat man.
290
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,332
Time to end it all.
291
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,629
(train whistle blowing)
292
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,707
(sirens wail, tires screech,
people screaming)
293
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,837
REPORTER:
Blood on the tracks today in Holidaytown,
294
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,812
where for 68 passengers,
a routine train ride
295
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,512
to Gum Drop Village
instead took a detour
296
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,284
to the Gum Drop County Morgue.
297
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,923
And now, over to Dirk
with sports.
298
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:00,748
Hey, better make that
two massacres today.
299
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:04,394
The Holidaytown Celebrators were
shut out eight to nothin'.
300
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:09,391
A bad day indeed for pretend,
cake-figurine baseball.
301
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,296
(screaming)
302
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:12,198
(huffs)
303
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:13,529
Merry Christmas, Cleveland.
304
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,633
I was your secret Santa.
305
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:18,238
Oh, pens.
Yeah.
306
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,868
I saw you writing with
a pen that one time,
307
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:23,174
so I know
you like 'em.
308
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,436
I do like pens!
309
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:25,684
See? He likes pens.
310
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,709
No, I know.
No, I know he likes pens.
311
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:30,284
I, I just thought it
would look cheap.
312
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:31,483
And-and it does.
313
00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:32,375
Your opinion.
314
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,345
Well, I guess
it's my turn.
315
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,824
Here you go, Holt.
316
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:38,862
A can of 25-year-old
Red Bull Private Reserve?
317
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,589
Just like
Brody Jenner drinks!
318
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:42,555
My whole life,
319
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:46,232
Christmas was always about
Holt not being good enough.
320
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:47,873
You give me wings, bro!
321
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,168
(cries)
322
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,469
You give me wings!
323
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:51,500
(sobbing)
324
00:12:51,505 --> 00:12:52,995
A'ight, then.
325
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,066
Daddy issues,
party of one.
326
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,705
Yeah, well, speaking
of daddy issues,
327
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:59,840
I still don't know what
I'm going to do about Rallo.
328
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,806
Maybe if we get him
a big enough gift...
329
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,815
Look, Cleveland,
it seems pretty clear
330
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:07,987
that Rallo feels hurt, and he's
just displacing his anger
331
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,618
onto Santa and Christmas.
332
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:14,193
The only gift he could possibly
want would be to see his father.
333
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:18,534
The most human among us
is a bear.
334
00:13:18,532 --> 00:13:21,132
Let that sink in.
335
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:26,695
(throaty whisper):
I got to go find Rallo's dad.
336
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,706
Merry Christmas.
337
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:38,216
Cleveland Jr., you're very
lucky to have a father.
338
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,818
You know, not all boys
have fathers.
339
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,791
Tonight I'm going to do
my best to make sure
340
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:46,590
that Rallo has a father
on Christmas.
341
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,693
But it's gonna be
a dangerous mission,
342
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,425
and I might not make it back.
343
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,430
No, Daddy, don't go!
344
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,972
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
345
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,438
You've been
a good boy this year.
346
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,667
I try, Daddy.
347
00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,942
Proud of you.
348
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:03,680
And I bet Santa's gonna
bring you some nice gifts.
349
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,277
I hope so.
350
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:06,208
Mm-hmm.
351
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,653
I'm so lucky to have
a son like you.
352
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,479
So peaceful.
353
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,783
You're creeping me
out a little, Dad.
354
00:14:12,786 --> 00:14:13,886
Oh, I'm sorry.
355
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:17,957
Seems like just yesterday you
were standing up in your crib,
356
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,258
shaking on the sides
like you couldn't wait
357
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:23,700
to bust out of there
and explore the world.
358
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,697
Now look at you.
359
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:26,499
All fat.
360
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,829
Can't play baseball
worth a pile of dog crap.
361
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:33,236
Still writing letters
to Santa Claus at 14.
362
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,810
Layin' back, taking it while
your dad strokes your face.
363
00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:38,440
What's wrong with you?!
364
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,705
What kind of kid
have I raised?!
365
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:41,614
Okay.
366
00:14:41,615 --> 00:14:45,675
Now I'm gonna go find
Rallo and Roberta's dad.
367
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:46,745
(car alarm chirps)
368
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:49,793
You are not going out
at midnight on Christmas Eve.
369
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,659
Try and stop me.
370
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,358
(Taser crackling)
371
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,960
(farting)
372
00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:57,001
(sustained fart)
373
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,557
Ah.
374
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:04,743
Cleveland, nobody's been able
to track Robert down for months.
375
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,908
Why don't you just
be a normal step-dad,
376
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:08,607
buy his love and move on?
377
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,878
No, I'm gonna give Rallo
the only present
378
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:14,077
that's going to restore
his faith in Christmas:
379
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,710
his father.
380
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,475
What the hell?!
381
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,587
(erotic moans)
(panting)
382
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,856
(purring)
383
00:15:31,196 --> 00:15:33,996
♪ Just hear those
sleigh bells jingling ♪
384
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,800
♪ Ring-ting-tingling too
385
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:41,872
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you ♪
386
00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:47,075
♪ Outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling yoo-hoo ♪
387
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:53,690
♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you ♪
388
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:57,017
♪ Giddyap, giddyap,
giddyap, let's go ♪
389
00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,093
♪ Let's look at the show
390
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:04,432
♪ We're riding
in a wonderland of snow ♪ (cell phone ringing)
391
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:07,901
♪ Giddyap, giddyap,
giddyap, it's grand ♪
392
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:09,901
♪ Just holding your hand...
393
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:20,013
(men chattering, whooping)
394
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,955
Yoo-hoo.
395
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,517
Everybody decent?
396
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,215
Doughboy?!
397
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,926
What the El DeBarge
are you doin' here?
398
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:37,859
I need to talk to you
about your son.
399
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:41,774
Ma'am, I think I saw
the Atlanta Hawks out there.
400
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:44,138
Look, Rallo knows
you've been lying to him
401
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:49,067
about being an FBI agent, and
it's ruined Christmas for him.
402
00:16:49,075 --> 00:16:49,635
So?
403
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,042
The Beach Boys' Brian Wilson,
404
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:53,754
his dad made him take a crockie
in a cardboard box
405
00:16:53,747 --> 00:16:57,717
under the Christmas tree
in front of the entire family.
406
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:58,777
Is that true?
407
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,345
That's what I heard.
408
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,623
What the hell?
409
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:05,821
Well, if so, Brian Wilson
defecated in that cardboard box
410
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,855
because he loved his father,
411
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,191
just like all boys
love their fathers!
412
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:12,426
No matter how bad
they treat them.
413
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,432
So I'm gonna dress up
like Santa
414
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,474
and bring you to our house
as my gift to Rallo.
415
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,610
And if you won't do it,
you're not worth the box
416
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:24,077
Brian Wilson dropped
a little deuce coupe in.
417
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,637
Get your hands off me.
418
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,045
Look, Robert, this Christmas,
419
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,848
the best present
you can give Rallo
420
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:31,950
is just being present.
421
00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:36,351
Don't you hang your
homonyms on me, doughboy.
422
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,256
I thought what you
said was beautiful.
423
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,559
Thank you.
424
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,760
Merry Christmas, whore.
425
00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:49,025
Merry Christmas, Rallo.
426
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,565
Oh, is that
today?
427
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:51,270
Here, baby.
428
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,471
Look what's
under the tree.
429
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,643
Ha. A slinky.
430
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:56,842
What's wrong?
431
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,013
I remember
the old Rallo
432
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:01,111
who used to think a toy
could fix anything.
433
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:05,224
That child's a
stranger to me now.
434
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,278
Ho-ho-ho.
435
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:10,656
Well, Santa, you got some
gigantic jingle bells
436
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,557
showing your face around here.
437
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,560
Santa!
438
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,831
You're 14 years old.
439
00:18:16,830 --> 00:18:19,660
Rallo, Santa wanted
to apologize
440
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:22,066
for what he said at
Mr. Waterman's party.
441
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,698
So he went out
and got you
442
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,073
the Christmas tree
you really wanted.
443
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:28,072
He brought you a picture
of the guy
444
00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:30,844
who played Grady
on Sanford and Son.
445
00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:33,684
Whitman Mayo!
Yes! I needed him.
446
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,050
Thanks, Santa Claus.
447
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:36,548
(flames whooshing)
448
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,954
Aw...
449
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,023
ROBERT: Ho, ho, ho!
450
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,691
Merry Christmas, peoples.
451
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:44,790
What the...?!
What the...?!
452
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:45,861
Oh, my word!
453
00:18:45,859 --> 00:18:48,629
Some type of warlock
has cursed Christmas!
454
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,158
What's goin' on around here?
455
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,733
Maybe this will
clear things up.
456
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:53,432
Dad!
457
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,173
How you doin',
Rolo?
458
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,298
Oh, I'm so happy
to see you.
459
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,773
Last night,
I realized
460
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:02,771
it's important for me to
see my sperms on Christmas.
461
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:03,875
What's up, Rwanda?
462
00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:05,677
(listlessly):
Merry Christmas, Dad.
463
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:09,678
A wise man told me,
the best gift
464
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:10,822
is just being here.
465
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,547
Kind of butchered it,
but whatever.
466
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:16,992
Look, Rocco, I'm sorry I lied
about being an FBI agent.
467
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,560
It was a lowdown, dirty move.
468
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,059
Wow, you actually got
through to him.
469
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,061
Course I did.
470
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,702
It's my damn show.
471
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,227
But why, Dad?
472
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:28,272
Why would you lie
to your own kid?
473
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,998
I guess I didn't want you
to know the truth about me.
474
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:33,604
But now it's time
I told you everything.
475
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,236
No more lies.
476
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:40,610
The truth is...
477
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,553
I am...
478
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,779
Santa Claus.
479
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,723
What?! You're
Santa Claus?!
480
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,188
ALL:
You're Santa Claus?
481
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,087
See, I live at
the North Pole,
482
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,288
so that's why I can't
visit that much.
483
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,991
Oh, that's why
you guys lied.
484
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:57,903
So I wouldn't know
Santa's true identity.
485
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:58,657
Exactly.
486
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:01,825
And so your mama can't
garnish Santa's wages.
487
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,674
But we gotta keep
this a secret.
488
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:04,840
Just between us.
489
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,967
But wait, if you're
Santa Claus,
490
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,773
then who's this clown?
491
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,065
Cleveland?!
492
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,476
Oh, well, that's about right.
493
00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:15,047
Sorry-ass wannabe trying
to be as cool as my dad.
494
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,148
Dad, there you are.
495
00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:20,149
Did you know that Rallo and
Roberta's dad is Santa Claus?
496
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:21,753
(growls)
497
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,124
(sighs)
498
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,262
You're a good boy.
499
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,088
Merry Christmas.
500
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:27,933
(cooing)
501
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:31,027
So, this all makes sense
to you, Rallo?
502
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,130
Hell, yeah!
503
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:34,571
My dad's Santa Claus!
504
00:20:37,202 --> 00:20:41,072
♪ Oh, the weather
outside is frightful ♪
505
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:44,914
♪ But the fire is
so delightful ♪
506
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:48,011
ALL:
♪ And since we've no place to go ♪
507
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:52,324
♪ Let it snow, let it snow,
let it snow. ♪
508
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:53,278
Ho-ho!
509
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:56,986
A black Santa Claus.
(grunts)
510
00:20:56,990 --> 00:21:03,590
(sleigh bells ringing)
(pained): Ho-ho-ho-ho...
511
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:08,190
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