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(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
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♪ And I am proud to be
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00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,473
♪ Right back in my hometown
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00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,906
♪ With my new family
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00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:13,681
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
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00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,551
♪ And even a bear
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00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,719
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
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00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,588
♪ It's true love we share ♪
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00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,717
♪ And so I found a place
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00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,192
♪ Where everyone will know
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00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,261
♪ My happy mustached face
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00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,890
♪ This is The Cleveland Show.s ♪
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(chuckles)
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I love minor league baseball.
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00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:38,569
Nothing like watching a bunch
of people I've never heard of
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00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:39,842
not play very well.
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(bat strikes ball)
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(crowd cheering)
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One bounce! Coming along,
George, coming along!
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00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:51,524
GEORGE:
Thank you!
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00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,589
(organ riff
playing over speakers)
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00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,287
Bottom of the eighth,
one-nothing.
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00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:58,759
Too bad we were
in the bathroom for that home run.
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00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,159
I'm sorry I needed you
to hold my arms, Daddy,
25
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:04,102
but I didn't want to sit
on the wet seat.
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00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,058
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
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00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,296
Having good time
at the ballgame. (music plays)
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00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,870
ANNOUNCER:
You know what that tune means?
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00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:10,069
It's time for the Kiss Cam,
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00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:13,171
brought to you
by Waterman Cable.
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Waterman Cable--
we're a monopoly.
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♪
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Ooh, chocolate-vanilla swirl,
chocolate-vanilla swirl!
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Ha! You get it, man!
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00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:33,985
They're gonna make
a baby Derek Jeter.
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00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:41,097
(snickers)
Cleveland, it's your hot stepdaughter and her boyfriend.
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00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,902
Oh. Hey, what year
was she born again?
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She's not born again.
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Born-agains are crazy
and off-putting.
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Hold my beer, Rallo.
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This will not stand!
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(crowd cheering)
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Bad hormone-ridden
adolescent! Bad, bad!
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(crowd booing)
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(running up stairs)
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(panting)
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Cleveland, what is it?!
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00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:09,627
It's Roberta,
and it's bad!
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Really bad!
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00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,301
Oh, my God,
what, Cleveland?!
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This afternoon--
(panting) I'm sorry.
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I ran up the stairs.
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Where's Roberta?!
(panting and groaning)
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I'm gonna need...
that glass of water.
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(gulps)
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00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,450
This afternoon at the baseball
game, Roberta and Federline
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were all over each other,
groping, squeezing, petting,
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dry-humping, tongues wagging,
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00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:39,627
probably causing a dot
on his underpants.
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00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,387
Oh, it was bad.
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00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,834
They were making out
at the ball game?
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That's it?
Cleveland, Roberta's fine.
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00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,032
She's a teenager.
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00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:49,233
That's why I've already had
the safe-sex talk with her,
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00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:50,966
in case she does
make that choice.
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00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,741
Donna, your idea
of safe sex is why
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Roberta's here today.
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Nasty, nasty Roberta.
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00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:03,077
Mmm, good sundaes.
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00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,283
Roberta, do you know
what a hymen is?
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00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:08,286
That Jewish guy that works
at the video store?
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00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,089
That's right.
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00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,619
And you know
what he told me?
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He told me that
a young woman's virginity is precious.
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Please stay
a virgin, Roberta.
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00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,396
What?! I've overheard
you with your friends
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bragging about how many
girls you slept with in high school.
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00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:22,772
True,
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00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,100
but they were terrible women.
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Most of them are dead!
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00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,943
Fed and I aren't even
doing anything that bad,
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00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:33,353
and what we ares doing is
none of your damn business!
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00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,977
How about that, huh?
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00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:39,892
Kids today. Just makes you think
about our country's values.
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00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,517
Have we lost our way?
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00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:45,062
Heck, did we ever
even have our way?
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00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:49,459
Time was, everybody knew
everybody else.
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People said hello,
and they meant it.
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Folks went to bed
at a decent time,
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00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,102
and jeans were only worn
by prisoners.
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00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,105
Someone would invite you over
for coffee,
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00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,807
and you'd wind up talking
for eight straight days.
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00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:07,310
Some people think this modern
society's an improvement.
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00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:14,024
My question is:
"An improvement on what?"
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00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:17,161
(audience cheers, applauds)
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(cheering, applause continues)
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Roberta, please pass me
the olive oil.
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00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:36,009
The extra-virgin kind,
not the regular kind
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that is not virgin
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00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:39,177
and therefore is
a lesser olive oil
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because the flavor
has been tainted,
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00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,781
causing it to be gross
and much cheaper
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since nobody wants it.
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May I be excused,
Mother?
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Yes, you may.
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00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,389
Cleveland, what do you
think you're doing?
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00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,821
I told you I'd
taken care of this.
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00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:53,926
I know you think
you did,
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00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,357
but every girl needs
a man to tell her
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00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:57,803
what to do with her body.
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00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,028
That's just
common sense.
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Why is it so important for
Roberta to be a virgin, Daddy?
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00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:04,039
Well, thank you,
Cleveland, Jr.
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00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:07,538
If I told you that you
could open up a new soda pop
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00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:11,411
or drink one that had
had seven penises in it,
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00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,882
which one would
you prefer?
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00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,210
I would probably go
with the new soda pop
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00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,215
'cause the other one
might have blood in it.
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00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:21,687
"Because the other one
might have blood in it."
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00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:25,422
You know, you know, Cleveland,
for, for centuries
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00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,856
the Christian church
has been frowning on sex
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00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:28,961
and other fun things.
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Our pastor is giving a sermon
on teen abstinence this Sunday.
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00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,434
You-you should come
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00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:37,195
and bring that
slutty stepdaughter of yours.
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00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:39,504
I think that's
a great idea.
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00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,266
Any other new business?
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00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,835
Then we're adjourned.
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(gavel bangs)
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(church bell tolling)
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What are these people wearing?
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00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:56,886
RALLO:
It's like they're going to a happy funeral.
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00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,190
Oh, the pageantry!
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00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,992
My humble sweater vest
looks foolish amongst
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00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,534
these fancy hats of fruit,
feathers and foliage.
136
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,431
I need to go to the haberdasher.
137
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:09,873
Let me get a hookup from
my man Donovan McNabb.
138
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:14,010
Uh, Philadelphia. Residence.
139
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:17,407
Donovan McNabb.
140
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,381
"Not listed"?
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00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,950
Dallas, Texas. Residence.
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00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:24,919
Michael Irving.
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00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,518
Connect me.
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00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,620
Yo, playmaker, it's Rallo.
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00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,062
Listen, man, I need a hookup
on a suit.
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00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,388
Rallo, your phone's
made of chocolate.
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00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:35,334
You're smade of chocolate.
148
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:36,459
Sorry about that, Michael.
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00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,133
Michael? Oh, man, he hung up.
150
00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:42,302
Probably went to go stab
a guy in the neck with scissors.
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00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:46,272
(organ plays gospel music)
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May the peace of the Lord
be with you.
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00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,043
ALL:
Holla!
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00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:53,483
Today's word is about
resisting temptation,
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00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:57,880
about calming those fires
that burn in our loins.
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00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:58,475
ALL:
Mm-hmm.
157
00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:02,345
Those fires that can lead
to destruction in our lives
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00:07:02,356 --> 00:07:04,816
and turn promise
into despair.
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00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:08,855
ALL:
♪ Come on. Ease on down, ease on down the road. ♪
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00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,332
All right, look, look,
at this point,
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00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:13,270
I gotta ask the congregation
to please refrain from shouting
162
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,997
stereotypical responses
and/or catchphrases
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00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,003
to everything I say.
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00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:18,344
ALL:
Oh... snap!
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00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:21,568
(groans) All right,
let us turn to a reading
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of the letter of Chlamydias
to the Gonorrheans:
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00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,682
Teenage sex is yuck city.
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00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,251
It leadeth to pregnancy,
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00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:35,890
obesity, illiteracy
and diseasacy.
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00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:36,459
Gross!
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00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:39,557
But there is a hope
all across this great land.
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00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,330
Teenagers are taking a pledge--
the purity pledge--
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00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:47,030
to hand over their virginity
to their fathers,
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00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,174
the high priests of the home.
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00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:49,599
Hear that?
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00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,503
I'm the high priest
of our home.
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00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,935
I would like
roast beef for dinner.
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00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,271
Shut the (bleep) up!
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00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,605
So I ask who here will be saved
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00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,551
and take this honorable
purity pledge?
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00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:04,517
I will. I, Brandy Young,
pledge my virginity to my dad!
182
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:09,318
I, Jocelyn Beokabatuka,
pledge my virginity to my dad.
183
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:12,223
I, Laura Davis, pledge
my virginity to my dad.
184
00:08:12,226 --> 00:08:15,556
Roberta, I'd very much
like your virginity.
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00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:17,362
Give me it!
Give me it!
186
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,334
Give me your virginity!
187
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:22,132
I, Cleveland Brown, Jr.,
pledge my virginity to my dad,
188
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:24,535
Cleveland Brown.
- What?
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00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:26,368
ALL:
No, he di'int!
190
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:31,143
(chuckling): This place,
always something.
191
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:35,448
And the best part is,
the Reverend says
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00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:38,279
the girls and I get
to go to a purity ball...
193
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,715
(growls)
194
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,620
...with our dads!
195
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,552
(growls louder)
196
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:43,986
We gotta go shopping,
Daddy,
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00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,661
so we can get
matching suits.
198
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:50,460
(growl turns
to laughter)
199
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:51,534
Aah!
200
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:54,132
Junior, we're not
going to that dance.
201
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,374
What's wrong, Cleveland?
202
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:57,069
You don't like balls
203
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,540
as much as your son
likes balls?
204
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,510
(chuckles)
You know what, Junior?
205
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:04,178
You and your dad
should go to that dance,
206
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,547
because teenage chastity
is so important,
207
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,047
Isn't that why
you took us
208
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,108
to church today,
Cleveland?
209
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:12,316
Oh, man, this is going
even worse than when I invented
210
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:14,249
that portable shoe toilet.
211
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,864
(water sloshes in shoe toilet)
212
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,587
Well, it saved me a trip
to the bathroom,
213
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:23,132
but now I'm gonna have to worry
about spilling it all day.
214
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,130
(water sloshing)
215
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,162
(running footsteps)
216
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,266
Oh, thank God!
(unzips pants)
217
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,568
Oh, boy!
218
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:35,314
Hey, morning, Cleveland.
How was your weekend?
219
00:09:35,309 --> 00:09:35,739
Fine.
220
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,642
Do anything special?
Football game?
221
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:39,305
Sunday brunch?
222
00:09:39,313 --> 00:09:42,583
No, he got humiliated
at church by his son
223
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,653
pledging his virginity
to him.
224
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:45,551
(all laugh)
225
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:48,752
I'm, I'm sorry.
I-I had to tell them.
226
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,815
LESTER: Well, if it ain't
the virgin father!
227
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:52,615
And him.
228
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,356
Hey, Cleveland,
Brokeback Mountain,
229
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,131
that's your son.
230
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,429
(all laugh)
231
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,231
And-and him.
232
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,801
You guys don't even work here.
233
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,500
How come Security didn't
stop you on the way in?
234
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:05,502
We took a break
so we could laugh at your gay son.
235
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:07,165
(all laugh)
236
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:10,184
Now wait just a cotton-pickin'
minute, Tim.
237
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,637
Church was your idea.
238
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,845
You're the one who said
Jesus hates sex.
239
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:15,648
What, are you nuts?
240
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,619
Jesus wants to keep the females
pure, not the males.
241
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,849
You-you think he died
so that men don't have sex?
242
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:25,155
That-that's the stupidest thing
I ever heard.
243
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:26,588
Hey, hey, everybody, I'm Jesus
244
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,363
and I'm gonna die
a painful death
245
00:10:28,362 --> 00:10:30,432
so none of you dudes get laid.
246
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,470
Yeah, yeah, like, like,
I'm gonna pray to this guy.
247
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,667
(all laughing)
248
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:39,767
You want my cherry, Dad?
249
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:40,773
Sure.
250
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:44,514
Junior, a boy's virginity
is a terrible burden,
251
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:48,451
and it must be cast off
on any girl who will take it.
252
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,948
But the Reverend says
premarital sex will make
253
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:53,221
your genitals
and your soul burn.
254
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,320
Oh, boys don't get
most of the bad diseases.
255
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,123
And if you get herpes,
who cares?
256
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:01,285
80% of food preparers
in this country have herpes.
257
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,304
Daddy, do you want me
to get herpes?
258
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,967
I want you to
at least try.
259
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:11,674
I guess I'll have
to scare some sense into you.
260
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:14,812
Junior, if you don't
give up your pledge,
261
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,608
you'll end up like this.
262
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:17,540
(robotic beeping)
263
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:23,254
Behold the terrible, ugly
consequences of male virginity!
264
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,720
Oh, cool. Is that Worf?
265
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,588
I apologize for that
confusing example.
266
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:31,217
I forgot that virgins have so
much free time on their hands,
267
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,264
they end up having some
pretty neat hobbies.
268
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,629
(creaking)
269
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:40,531
Junior, go play with
your action figures.
270
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:41,534
Remembering, of course,
271
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,965
to leave them in their
original packaging.
272
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,740
I'll be right in.
273
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:49,236
Roberta, will you please
leave us alone?
274
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,712
Don't hurt him, Cleveland!
275
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:54,678
Ah, not the grill, yo.
276
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,011
Put your arms down, fool.
277
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,546
Look, even though you're nothing
but a lame inside-out Oreo,
278
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:02,493
you seem to have a certain way
with the ladies.
279
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,089
And as someone close
to Cleveland Jr.'s age,
280
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:09,562
I think you can help him realize
the joys of being around girls.
281
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,463
Federline, will
you help me?
282
00:12:11,465 --> 00:12:13,925
Aw, blap!
You flipped the script!
283
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,004
Script flip!
Ooh-ooh!
284
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,272
I don't--
What?
285
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,270
Script flip.
286
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,571
See, now you need
something from me, Pops,
287
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:21,974
and it's gonna cost you.
288
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:22,605
What do you want?
289
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:26,109
I want to be able to bring
my brown sugar home at 1:00 am.
290
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,213
Not no 10:30 pm, yo.
291
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,815
Midnight. Take
it or leave it.
292
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,117
Ho-Ho-Hold up, Pops.
293
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,651
Ain't nobody getting
off this whip
294
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,485
without dropping
some freestyle.
295
00:12:37,491 --> 00:12:38,591
You know what I'm sayin'.
296
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,532
(beatboxing)
297
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,927
Oh, I don't know if
I could possibly...
298
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,459
♪ Straight out of Stoolbend
299
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,004
♪ A crazy (bleep)
named Cleveland ♪
300
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,169
♪ This is my left hand
and this is my (bleep) hand ♪
301
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,598
♪ I'm spittin' more wisdom
than Morgan Freeman ♪
302
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,344
♪ They call me Hot Brown
and the C. Bizzle ♪
303
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:56,210
♪ I don't mind the rain if
the rain is just a drizzle ♪
304
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,509
♪ Wizzle, wazzle, woozle, way
305
00:12:58,512 --> 00:13:01,382
♪ Razzle, dazzle, doozle, day
306
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,881
♪ B-I-G C-L-E-V-E
307
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,154
♪ Relatively STD-free
308
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,053
♪ Dropped Loretta
309
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,323
♪ Now I'm doing much betta ♪
310
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:11,161
♪ Like upgrading to
an Escalade from Jetta ♪
311
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,358
♪ Yo, hey, Donna,
I wanna get on ya ♪
312
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,560
♪ And I'm kind of hungry,
so make some lasagna ♪
313
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:18,302
♪ I got a son,
he's like a big, fat Urkel ♪
314
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,298
♪ And when he's in the nude,
he's like a big, fat circle ♪
315
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,271
♪ Did I do that?
316
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,569
♪ Yeah, you're big and fat ♪
317
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,970
♪ Drinking melted butter
for a midnight snack ♪
318
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,472
♪ Shout-outs to Rallo
319
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:28,414
♪ Hello, (bleep)
320
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,038
♪ You're two feet tall
with a three-foot Afro ♪
321
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,444
♪ And my daughter Roberta
322
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:33,605
♪ I don't mean to hurt ya ♪
323
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:34,983
♪ But more dudes
have laid on you ♪
324
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,181
♪ Than a mattress named Serta
325
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,583
♪ Y'all done best consider me ♪
326
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:38,724
♪ You can't get rid of me ♪
327
00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:40,048
♪ I'm a Cleveland steamer ♪
328
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,323
♪ Come and take
a big old (bleep) ♪
329
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,121
♪ My flow is the noise,
white boys do my voice ♪
330
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:46,463
♪ And my rhymes are even harder
than Sophie's Choice.s ♪
331
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,429
Peace!
332
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,687
(thunder rumbles)
333
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:49,985
Damn.
334
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:54,196
Nick, nack, paddy wack,
crack-a-lack, Jack!
335
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,271
I'm out.
336
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:01,914
All right, so your Pops want me
to put you up on game, right?
337
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:02,738
You see them shorties?
338
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:06,082
Go up and twist your fingers
all up, like, "Westside!"
339
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,479
And be like,
"What up, hoes?"
340
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,650
Then make them
give you $40.
341
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:16,191
(girl sobbing)
342
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,619
Yeah, so what happened
with the fly honeys?
343
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,985
Well, I called them all whores,
like you said
344
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,655
and then I explained
what happens to whores.
345
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,134
And that made them sad,
346
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,172
but I told them
how they could be saved,
347
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,338
like I was
with the purity pledge,
348
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,767
and then they gave me $22.
349
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:34,712
That's all they had.
350
00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:37,678
I might be a virgin,
351
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:41,647
but I'll kick your ass
if you do that again.
352
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:45,283
Hey, Cleveland.
353
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,445
The Birdcage?That's your son.
354
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:48,724
(laughing)
355
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,852
(Cleveland chuckling sadly)
356
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,186
No, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
357
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,221
Rebecca Gayheart,
that's your son.
358
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,256
(all laughing)
359
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,402
Hey, Lester, give
me a hot sausage.
360
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,557
(chuckles)
361
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,195
That is what she didn'ts say
362
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,730
when she was with your son.
363
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:02,995
(all laughing)
364
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,403
Okay, okay. I got one.
365
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,674
"I'm Cleveland Jr.
366
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:09,773
"Oh, no, my wiener
fell off and broke.
367
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,306
"Oh, that's okay.
368
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,581
I don't need it."
369
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,979
(laughing)
370
00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:20,175
I'm not that broken sausage.
371
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,286
(sobbing)
372
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,418
(sniffling)
373
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,723
Don't cry, Junior.
374
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,794
I want to lose my virginity
so my daddy will love me.
375
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:30,134
Listen, my dad
goes to this place.
376
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,030
Sometimes he has me
wait in the car,
377
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,502
but I looked through
the windows once,
378
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:38,270
and I saw people doing all sorts
of naked things to each other.
379
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,171
I'm telling you,
380
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,842
it was like
a live Internet.
381
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,840
Will they take
my virginity?
382
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,782
For $35,
they'll take anything
383
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,208
and sgive you herpes.
384
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,412
My dad loves herpes!
385
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:51,381
(snoring)
386
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:54,224
(exhaling squeakily)
387
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,450
(snoring)
388
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:59,055
I hope I'm
her first, too.
389
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:08,673
Hey, fellas.
390
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:09,728
Deviled egg, anyone?
391
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,296
Kendra, there's deviled eggs.
392
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:15,074
You want to marinate 'em
in your folds or eat 'em as is?
393
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,605
I can't get out there.
394
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:20,079
Somebody done
stole my Rascal.
395
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,410
Probably some bla--
396
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:22,814
(coughing)
397
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,746
I'll come and help you.
398
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,280
Hey, I brought these eggs
for Junior.
399
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,715
Where is he? He said
he was coming over here.
400
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,151
I haven't seen him.
401
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:29,815
The Rascal's gone.
402
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,793
And the money's missing
from the whore jar.
403
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:33,692
Whore jar?
404
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,493
It's where a man keeps
his money for prostitutes.
405
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,156
I bet Ernie took it.
406
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,834
Ernie! Where the hell are you?
407
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,703
(snaps fingers)
Wait a minute.
408
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:45,701
If Cleveland Junior's not
here and Ernie's not here,
409
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,665
and the Rascal's gone...
410
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:48,714
And money designated
411
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,378
specifically for prostitutes
is missing...
412
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,407
Then Cleveland Jr. must have
overhead us making fun of him.
413
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:56,513
And he and Ernie decided
to hotwire the Rascal
414
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,416
and take the money
to the whorehouse
415
00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:02,348
to lose their virginities
and regain your respect.
416
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,285
She's right.
417
00:17:03,289 --> 00:17:04,689
Good job, Mystery Bunch.
418
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:07,561
Lester and I
will take it from here.
419
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,630
Portal!
420
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,597
(sniffing)
421
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,366
Yep. That's my Kendra.
422
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,714
Hey, Velvet.
Hey, Mabel.
423
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:25,711
Hey, Xianhanxinganwa.
424
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,852
You whores seen a couple of
kids snooping around here?
425
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,977
Are you looking for the guy
that's about this wide,
426
00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:33,524
uh, he look like
he could be your son?
427
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,320
Yes, I am.
428
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,720
Oh, he up with One-Arm Mavis.
429
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,693
Oh. Well,
he's in good hand.
430
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,631
Wait, he's with
Two-Virgine Marlene.
431
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,658
Oh, no. Not
Two-Virgine Marlene.
432
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:46,903
He's got a 50-50 chance
of getting gonorrhea.
433
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,270
Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish.
434
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,910
How many pieces
do you... Dad!
435
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,607
Junior! Ugh!
436
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,338
Come on. We're
getting out of here.
437
00:17:57,343 --> 00:17:58,613
No. I'm not going.
438
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,651
I'm going to stay here
and see this through,
439
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,247
so you won't be ashamed
of me anymore.
440
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,579
I'm not ashamed of you.
441
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:08,894
Well, I was, but that
wasn't right. I see that now.
442
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:11,388
Oh, Junior, this isn't
how I wanted you
443
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,861
to experience
your first time.
444
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,459
I thought maybe it'd be
in the back of your car,
445
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:18,902
or behind the bleachers, or in
the woods on a pile of leaves
446
00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,398
with a blanket tossed on top,
447
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,970
with a girl who has to get up
every few minutes to throw up.
448
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:27,040
The point is,
it should be a beautiful thing,
449
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,370
and it will be--
when you're ready.
450
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,606
So, you're not ashamed of me?
451
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:33,642
No.
452
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,476
Yes, you are.
453
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:39,515
Cleveland Jr., will
you do me the honor
454
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,419
of being my date
at the purity ball?
455
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:42,952
Really?
456
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:46,456
I can do you both
right here, right now
457
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,859
for 40 bucks.
458
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:48,761
You know what?
459
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,801
Aside from the fact that
I'm a happily married man
460
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:52,758
and that this is my son,
461
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,365
there's no way he
and I could do that
462
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,028
without crossing
drumsticks.
463
00:18:57,036 --> 00:19:01,306
So, thank you,
ma'am, but no thanks.
464
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,505
(inspirational song playing)
465
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,511
♪ Oh, but most of all
466
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:12,824
♪ For butterfly kissesafter bedtime prayer ♪
467
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:20,689
♪ Stickin' little white flowersall up in her hair ♪
468
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:23,863
♪ You know how muchI love you, Daddy ♪
469
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,333
♪ But if you don't mind
470
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:31,942
♪ I'm only gonna kiss youon the cheek this time ♪
471
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:34,708
♪ Oh, with allthat I've done wrong ♪
472
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:38,837
♪ I must have donesomething right ♪
473
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:43,005
♪ To deserve your loveevery morning ♪
474
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:50,386
♪ And butterfly kissesat night. ♪
475
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,760
(song ends, applause)
476
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,389
Well, aren't we a
regular Fred Astaire
477
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:56,525
and Fred Astaire, Jr.?
478
00:19:56,529 --> 00:20:00,359
Thanks, Dad. I'll get us
some purity punch.
479
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:03,096
Where did you learn
to dance so well?
480
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:04,742
You looked great
out there.
481
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,467
My dad thinks I
look hot. Do you?
482
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,442
(giggling)
Excuse me.
483
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:09,071
Back off.
484
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,405
He's the only
boy here.
485
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,540
You know I think it's sweet
486
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,114
that you gave your
virginity to your dad.
487
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:17,583
I saw a lady with two
virgines yesterday.
488
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:18,684
(laughing)
489
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,685
I like you.
490
00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,817
♪
491
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,092
Oh, hey.
492
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,320
Dad, guess what?
493
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,525
I just got kissed
on the lips.
494
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,427
Oh, that's bull.
495
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,429
I'm serious.
496
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:32,730
It was that girl right there.
497
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,368
Maybe I should stay in charge
498
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:37,128
of my virginity after all.
499
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:40,766
Say, when did you lose
your virginity, Dad?
500
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:41,873
When I was nine.
501
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:45,644
♪ Any way you want itThat's the way you need it ♪
502
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:48,075
♪ Any way you want it
503
00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:52,879
♪ She loves to laugh
504
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,685
♪ She loves to sing
505
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,747
♪ She does everything.
506
00:20:56,797 --> 00:21:01,347
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