Original subtitles

[Police! Stop! Stop running!]

That's why I don't understand how he let himself get set up as a dead pigeon.

[Don't you speak German?]

[A little.] I understand it better.

[He's a dead pigeon.]

Don't you speak any English?

[A little. I understand it better.]

[- He's a dead pigeon. - A dead pigeon.]

Well, a dead pigeon is somebody who can't win. A born loser.

I don't understand why homicide turned me over to you.

You're a customs man, aren't you, Mr. Kressin?

[Uh-huh, customs.]

I want two minutes with the bastard who shot him.

No. [You can't see him.]

What do you mean, I can't see him? I've got a right to see him if I want to. What...

Well at least you can tell me his name.

[What's your name?]

Sandy.

[I meant your real name.]

It's as real as that corpse.

[You've seen him before?]

You know it's Johnson. What the hell are you getting at?

- [You said he was your partner.] - That's right, he was my partner.

[Now you want to keep the snow for yourself.]

Get the what?

- [The heroin.] - Heroin?

Johnson was a private detective.

I'm going to be in your hair 'til the case is closed.

[What case was he working on?]

In my business, it's called top secret.

Now, I intend to pick up the pieces,

and I don't want any interference.

Well, that's the case I'm working on.

Diplomatic blackmail.

His party's putting him up for the coming election.

[In Germany we read newspapers too.]

Yeah, but he'll never sleep in the goddamn White House if that picture hits the papers.

See the problem.

Hm?

[I wouldn't mind having my photo taken with her.]

[What's her name?]

I don't know her name.

[Lucky guys, those politicians.]

Well I agree.

But he's also a married man.

And voters are a narrow-minded breed.

[What's that birthmark there on her thigh?]

Oh, that's a strawberry birthmark on her thigh.

Oh!

- [That's my favourite desert.] - It's my favourite desert, too.

[- Hi. - What are you doing here?]

[Finally I see you again.]

[Stop that nonsense, sweetie. I've got to go. I don't have time now.]

[You promised to teach me to drive.]

[Be quiet and listen. I'll be at yours at 8.]

[Ok, but stop looking at your watch. It's unbearable.]

[Sure, sweetie. Remember, lots of booze. Bye, sweetie.]

I beg your pardon.

That photo has cost the senator $100,000 up to now,

and they're going to collect $25,000 every month,

right up to election.

[If he's elected, they'll get the White House.]

Yeah, they'll ask for the White House alright,

unless he cuts his throat in the Blue Room.

[I should have given the case to the FBI.]

It's too dangerous.

[Too dangerous to give it to the FBI?]

A lot of people in the FBI think he's too liberal.

His political enemies would splice that photo all over the front page.

And a hell of a lot of the press is against him. He's a dirty word to them.

A socialist.

Umhm.

Well, I just broke the protocol of a private eye.

I told you what I was working on.

Now do I get a crack at the killer?

Sure you do.

I always wanted to see Humphrey Bogart in action.

Officer?

Well, what do you want?

[The Provence is-]

[Charlie Umlaut wearing police uniform.]

[- What are you waving for? - There. My child.]

[- Where, which one? - That one.]

[- That one? That's my child. - You're crazy. It's mine.]

[- It's my child. - You're crazy.]

[Go, get lost.]

Take the other corridor.

There wasn't anybody there to give me a hand.

The goddamn railroad station was a graveyard.

[A graveyard? With 300 daily trains it's the world's busiest station.]

Three hundred trains, um...

pass through every day, every day.

You got your signals switched.

No, no, no.

[Not at all, but I know where you lost him. Bahnhof Rolandseck.]

[It's Germany's oldest station.]

The oldest station in Germany.

[They've held concerts there for over 100 years.]

[Franz Liszt played there.]

You know?

I don't care if Duke Ellington played there.

[Yes, he did. Last week.]

What have you got on the killer?

[The most famous were there. Bernard Shaw...]

No Social Security.

- [And Heine...] - No credit card.

- [Wilhelm II.] - No driver's license.

- [Queen Victoria...] - Not even a draft dodger card.

- [And Bismarck.] - What about prints?

- [What prince? Phillip? No.] - No, not Prince Phillip. Prints. Fingerprints.

Fingerprints!

[Fingerprints.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see, I see.

No prints, no.

I haven't them.

What's the name of the killer?

- Nietzsche. - That's more like it!

Now what's the bastard's full name?

[Friedrich Nietzsche, Germany's greatest thinker.]

You know? [Philosopher.]

[When he came to Bahnhof Rolandseck, I think it was in...]

[in June, on the fourth-]

No, no, no, no, no.

[I don't think you'd understand this. Humphrey Bogart might, but...]

[not you.]

[The man who killed Johnson...]

[is Charlie Umlaut.]

Charlie Umlaut?

Umhm.

That's a funny name.

What else have you got on him?

[Postmark Bonn, addressed to Charlie Umlaut, general delivery.]

[There's a row of numbers, probably...]

[some code.]

Telephone call for Miss C.

Call for Miss C.

This damn waiting for a phone call is childish.

Why all the precautions?

That American detective, Johnson.

You didn't have to shoot him, Charlie.

I could have handled him.

How did you manage to escape from the hospital?

How do you think?

Luck and a clean conscience.

Where are you?

Rome. My leg wound is getting better.

All right, all right.

I got the word.

I came here for your call.

Now, who is my next lover, and who works him with me?

I don't know who has been assigned to take the picture.

But your next victim is in Cologne.

Cologne?

That's it.

What does he want me to do in Cologne?

Pose with a priest in the cathedral?

Why not? He'll enjoy it!

[One ticket, please, right at the back.]

[- Twelth row? - Yes.]

[Four marks.]

[Okay, thank you. Thanks.]

Give me a ticket, please.

A ticket? For the movie, yeah?

[Where do you want to sit? Front or back?]

Sure, whatever, whatever. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

[That'll be four marks.]

- All right. Thank you. - [Thanks.]

[There you are.]

- [Hang on.] - Huh?

- [It's not that way.] - What?

[The cinema's downstairs. It's not that way.]

- The what, what? - [The cinema's downstairs.]

- Say, um. Give me a double, will you? - [What would you like?]

Whisky. [Please.]

How much is that?

[Three marks.]

[Thank you.]

Joe.

[- You're under arrest. - Perhaps, but-]

Son of a bitch. John Wayne.

[Do your job, sherrif.]

Chrissake, Dean Martin. Get 'em, Duke.

[Need anybody else besides Joe?]

[No.]

[Joe, Burdette isn't worth honest men risking their lives.]

[So, what will you do? You only have clubfoot in prison and this-]

[Borachon's the name, Mr Wheeler.]

[Reckon I could do with one, Charlie.]

[Just as I thought.]

[If you want the gun, pick it up. I'm waiting.]

[He stepped into a puddle. He's the guy we've been looking for.]

[I think it's his.]

Flowers for Mister Mensur.

Okay.

[- ...yes, we have soups. - And pig's knuckles?]

[ - Yes, pig's knuckles. - And the salad.]

[Yes?]

I would like to speak to Mister Spindell. Fritz Spindell.

This is Friedrich Spindell speaking.

My name's Sandy. Johnson was my partner.

You did a few jobs for him in Bonn.

Yeah, it's a pity what happened to him.

Only three weeks ago I took him to a very respectable

whorehouse on Brinkgasse which now unfortunately is closed.

- But I do know... - Fill me in later.

I need your stuff here, [fast].

I'm available.

I'm in Cologne.

I'll be there in about half an hour. Where are you?

Outside the Lowenbrau restaurant on Hohe Street.

But if I'm gone, wait for me inside.

- What do you look like? - Peter O'Toole.

Goddamn it, I asked you a question.

I'll be whistling Colonel Bogey's march.

You got a friend on a local newspaper?

Sure, Armand Holzenberg of the [Kölner Stadtanzeiger] is an old chum of mine.

- I need headshots of Orlando Bortulino. - Bortulino?!

I don't mind that girl being shacked and packed, but Bortulino?

I don't never participate in any of the violent stuff.

Now knock it off! I just want a little mumbo jumbo with this war chest on wheels.

- Now you phone your friend, I want those pictures. - Okay, okay, okay.

Now move. Move!

Let me take a look at them.

They're not bad?

Hey, these are great. Great!

But why these photos of Bortulino?

Well, it has to do with the UN and world peace

and, well, you know.

Er, but you know, I can get some trouble if I give you these photos.

Oh, no, no, no. I'd never let you get into trouble.

I've worked with newspaper people all around the world.

I've never gotten them into trouble. No way. I promise you, you won't get in trouble.

All right, get those.

Hand me that shirt.

Okay. Here we are.

No, no, no, the other one, the other one.

Okay, let's go to work.

Okay. Where do we start?

You got film in that camera, don't you? Just shoot it.

- Uh huh. - Just wait a minute, just wait.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Just wait a minute.

Mmm, beautiful.

Okay, hold it.

Hold it!

- Wait 'til her eyes are open. - Okay, okay.

There.

Fine, that'll get it. That wraps it up.

Yeah.

Just roll her, just roll her.

Forgot your money.

There's more when you take the job.

Job?

Don't you remember?

What kind of job?

Doing what you do better than anybody I've ever used, Christa.

You know my name?

You mopped up enough for a regiment. First Schnapps and vodka with me

and then cognac with that Italian passion flower.

Who are you?

The name is Sandy.

I once had an American dog. And his name was Sandy.

But I forgot what happened to him.

Did you forget giving me the eye near the cathedral?

I gave you the eye?

- You? - Why not me?

Because you look like an unemployed rapist, that's why.

That's not what you thought when you told me about yourself.

What did I tell you about myself, hmm?

How about some coffee?

All right, I'll have some coffee.

And who's that Italian passion flower you mentioned, hmm?

That's how you earned the thousand dollars.

Oh?

Sure. We were having a couple of good, stiff belts, and there was something about you

that made me trust you.

And what was that something, huh?

Well, it wasn't your strawberry birthmark, I'll tell you that.

I think it was the way you smiled. Like a Madonna.

Maybe it was that laugh.

Now some people are hypocrites when they laugh.

Some try to figure out an angle.

And some just to be polite.

But your laugh. It's a lusty one.

All right. So my laugh made you trust me.

About what?

My partner.

Partner?

Yeah, she ran out on me.

See, I finally had the Italian set up, but I needed a girl.

When I told you my problem in the restaurant, you agreed to pose with him.

Pose?

You raised hell at that place.

You made a very, very naughty spectacle of yourself.

Eating mussels with your fingers, not even using the shell.

What restaurant, hmm?

Wait a minute.

Bier-Esel, does that ring a bell?

Bier-Esel.

Bier-Esel.

Yes. I would like to talk to the owner.

Hello? This is the manager speaking.

I would like to talk about a customer who broke some dishes there today.

I certainly remember you.

Oh.

You recognize my voice?

Of course I do.

I mean, it always happens when young ladies have too much Schnapps.

It's been good for you that there was this American

with you who kept you from drinking the whole bottle.

It was funny. How you attacked the mussels

with your fingers.

I like mussels. I should remember eating them.

But with my fingers. Tsk.

Come in as my partner? You pose, I take the picture.

Do you work alone?

Always. And I've got a hot, new angle.

We only hit statesmen while they're on an ego trip.

Statesmen?

Nothing but.

And I'll give you a nice, big fat bonus for doing things like this.

How did you get him to pose alone with me?

Did Nixon tell Moscow what he got from Peking?

I like a careful bastard.

And I like a bitch who can make up her mind.

There are plenty of passion flowers like him in every capital.

Are you in or out?

Don't rush me, please.

You've got until tomorrow to make up your mind, or I'll have to find a new partner.

All right, Sandy.

May I keep that photo?

I'll give you an answer tomorrow. Promise.

Just walk in, I never lock up.

Don't you wait for a man to open the door for you?

The last time a man opened the door for me, we were going 60 miles an hour. Ciao.

Hello. How's the weather over there, Victor?

It's fine Mister Mensur.

Well?

Washington reports the senator has paid his monthly $25,000.

Umhm. He's the presidential candidate, isn't he?

- Increase the demand to 50,000 a month. - Yes, sir.

Oh, uh give me the bottom line of the North American operations.

It's very good.

A 20% increase, and overhead costs are down 7%.

Not good enough.

I want a 30% increase by the end of the fiscal year, okay?

Yes, sir.

- Herr Wolfgang? - Yes, sir.

I'm uh, I'm a little concerned about Charlie Umlaut.

He's dyed his hair, his wound is healed, and he's ready to return to work.

Should I bring him back from Rome?

Not yet. I still don't accept his explanation that he was forced

to shoot that American private detective, what's his name?

Johnson.

Yes. Who's investigating the case?

A customs man called Kressin.

A customs?

Why not homicide?

They're still working on it, but it seems that Kressin is very important in this case.

Customs.

- Hello Barry? - Yes, I'm here, sir.

Now, what progress have you made on Bortulino?

Er, none sir. None, I'm afraid.

He's left London to receive that award in Germany.

But, Mister Mensur, I suggest Christa to help.

Christa's got another assignment in Cologne.

Is Halsey available?

No, sir.

Oh. What about uh, what about Agnes?

Married.

But I ran into Stephanie yesterday, she's pretty desperate.

Forget about her, unless she can change her face.

- Yeah alright. - Oh uh, what about that erm, that new girl?

- You mean Margaret? - Margaret, yes.

She's on holiday in Scotland.

Assign her to Bortulino at once, okay?

Yes, all right, sir.

All right, go on with your report.

Well, it's absolutely negative, Mister Mensur.

What?

The subject at Westminster is too well guarded

after that Belfast summit conference.

He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke pot, or take to the needle.

He doesn't seek a mistress. He's ridiculously in love with his wife.

- Does she look like a swinger? - Not at all.

Good. We'll compromise her.

Very good, sir.

Herr Carlos.

Is that Monte Carlo stallion still in Madrid?

Yes, sir.

Now assign him to the wife of the subject in London, okay?

What's the matter?

I'm afraid that will be impossible.

Why?

Has he had an accident?

Worse, he is on a guilty conscience trip.

That well-hung bastard has entered a monastery.

[Jump back. Go! Jump back. Go!]

[Advance. Repeat.]

[One two. Positions.]

[Quarte. Sixte. Remain.]

[Step and advance. One two three. Advance.]

That's incredible. It's absolutely fantastic.

Now we've been working on Bortulino for more than four months.

Now how did you learn he was in Cologne?

How did you manage to accomplish it,

to trap him alone?

I didn't. It was an American man, Sandy.

I didn't get his last name.

- Who took the picture then? - He did.

Marvelous, marvelous.

We'll give you a bonus, huh?

Let me have the negative.

He has it.

He has also extorted the first payment from Bortulino.

And he gave me this.

For my services.

All very irregular.

You're telling me!

I get it. A good friend of yours, a former partner, huh?

I never saw that son of a bitch before in my life.

Then how did he manage to acquire your rather unusual services?

I don't know.

- Now you talk sense! - Talk sense!

- I'm going out of my mind! - Now calm down, Christa.

I don't remember a single goddamn thing!

- You know what a nightmare is? - Relax.

I've been in one ever since I met that bastard

and you're telling me talk sense, talk sense.

Waking up like a whore in a hotel room with a stranger.

Now you relax now, huh? There's no sense in getting a little heart attack.

Embarrassing!

Come on, drink it.

You're right. I must control myself, huh?

Did you buy the flowers in front of Wimpy's?

Yes, I did.

- Did the assignment... - I think I did.

Yes, I did. I remember that.

- Then perhaps you uh, you were hungry, hmm? - I was.

So you went into Wimpy's and that gave the American the chance to talk to you about America's number

one cuisine, the hamburger.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, impossible.

Why impossible?

Darling, you know me, I loathe hamburgers.

You're talking sense now. The cognac helped.

- Come on, I'll give you another. - Yeah, sure did.

Now do you remember finding the assignment in the flowers?

- Yes. - And the subject?

- Franz Günther. - Instructions.

- In code. - Go on.

- I decoded it. - The American must have read it.

He couldn't have.

Your memory's shaky at that point, Christa. Why couldn't he have?

- Because I destroyed it. - How?

- By fire. - Where?

In...

There must have been a restaurant.

Maybe two.

Maybe three.

Now you're sure he did not read the Günther instructions?

Oh, absolutely.

And uh, now what else are you really sure of?

That he's in the same business we are in.

He only plans to blackmail diplomats.

He works alone.

And he wants me to be his working partner.

Yes, sir.

Now that's all very irregular, isn't it?

Of all the girls in Cologne, why should he select you?

An absolute stranger?

If I had one, I would give my right ball if I knew.

Well, I think I know.

You do?

- He didn't select you by accident. - No?

He knew all about you.

He followed you, doped you somehow, perhaps a pill in your drink or coffee,

it's all so damned obvious now.

Now how much did you really tell him about us?

Nothing. Nothing.

How do you know what you told him?

It sounds ridiculous, you know, but I'd say he's out to get our negatives.

Then get rid of him.

It would be simple to get rid of him, but that wouldn't solve anything.

Why not?

They would replace him with somebody else.

I told you, he works alone.

Now how can a lone wolf blackmailer endanger us?

Because he's not a lone wolf blackmailer.

He's the advance man of a powerful organization

determined to hijack our racket.

What kind of organization?

It was very rude of you to give that man such a hot welcome.

I don't like cops who don't knock.

Cops?

I know pig bracelets when I see them.

Oh come now, Sandy, you know we aren't the police.

Check my passport again.

I'm afraid it doesn't give us the information we want.

I'm afraid your boys walked into the wrong bathroom. I'm just a tourist.

How did you learn that Bortulino was in Cologne?

Who?

Christa spends $1000 just so...

Uh, just for (?**)

Don't tell me she's punching a time clock for you?

Yes, she is.

- You're in my racket? - We are.

Did you have Bortulino marked for your own deck?

We did.

Well, I didn't mean to screw you out of that deal.

I didn't know anybody else had my brainstorm.

I'm sorry, I mean that.

I'm going to ask you a few questions.

If your answers don't add up, we'll finish that hot shower for you.

No, yeah, no sweat, I'll answer anything.

But what about these first?

Not yet.

Can I have a cigarette?

Okay.

You have one without a filter?

I...

Thank you.

Not at all.

I mean they're all ego addicts.

But they're more afraid of scandal than of dying. It was an untapped market.

I thought the cake was all mine. Now how was I to know that

when I cut the first piece, I'd step on your toes?

I don't believe that.

- Hey, that's a pretty good shot... - How long?

Three months.

What are you, gay?

No, not to my knowledge.

Then how could you lure that away from security all by yourself?

You must have had help. Organized help.

Well, she was organized all right, but not the way you think.

Who is she?

Kitty, my partner, I had an assist from her.

Well tell me about Kitty.

Well, she was the best badger bait in Brooklyn.

- We made a great team. - Did she set up Bortulino?

- Did she what? - Did she set up Bortulino?

Yes.

Mister Garnham here, can I help you?

Yes, I would like to talk to the manager of the London Bridgeport Hotel, please.

You're speaking to the manager of the London Bridgeport Hotel.

I am trying to reach a Miss Gibbs. Kitty Gibbs.

G, i, double b, s.

I'm afraid the operator isn't much help. I'm an old friend of Miss Gibbs.

Just a moment, please.

Oh, yes. Miss Gibbs has checked out.

She's gone on her honeymoon, sir.

Did she leave a forwarding address?

Just one moment please, I'll check.

Let me see. No, I'm sorry.

She's now Mrs. Timothy Basuri and she's

on her way to the Ivory Coast.

Can I scratch my ass?

Not yet.

What happens to me now?

- Up to you. - Meaning what?

Meaning we can't let you go on cutting a piece of our cake.

I give you my word, I won't step on your toes again.

- Not agreeable to me. - Well what would be agreeable to you?

Work for us.

The profits would be greater, the risk smaller.

Looks like I don't have any choice.

Your job's to find [the facts].

I want names, places, plans.

Do I get a pay raise?

What are you talking about?

With rising prices.

Now listen, you've got two Swiss bank accounts,

you've got stocks, you've got bonds.

The Queen of England got a raise.

Hirohito got a raise.

And I have to maintain my position with the birds I pluck.

Ah, you pluck Sandy,

and I'll give you that house in Paris.

- Really? - Umhmm.

The one on the Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré?

Not that one.

Why not?

It's the American Embassy residence, darling.

Darling, then give me a Paris assignment

and I'll get that house.

What did you do with the Bortulino negative?

Oh, I destroyed it, of course.

Amateur!

Don't tell me you risked hanging on to negatives?

Why of all the girls in Cologne did you pick

on Christa?

I needed a girl fast.

He was set up, loaded, horny, waiting for Kitty.

It was an emergency!

I think you will be quite impressed. Our little organisation can do what you cannot.

Like what?

Like identification slips, press cards.

Union cards. Police badges, security passes.

Official documents.

How did you sell Christa the idea?

Well, a pill in her coffee, some booze.

How much did Bortulino pay?

$15,000. It was all the cash he could raise right then.

You gave Christa $1,000.

Well, I kept a grand for operating expenses

and sent the rest home to my post office box in New York.

You'll be given your first assignment when

you get to Bonn.

- When is that? - You'll be told.

Where am I now?

In the major league, buster.

But Mr. Sandy, be so kind to leave the key at the desk

when you are leaving the hotel.

- What's your name again? - I'm Miss Fellerman.

Miss Fellerman.

You wouldn't believe it, in a million years,

you wouldn't believe it.

I had nothing to do with taking the key.

Believe me, nothing.

I don't know where I've been.

I went someplace, it was dark.

I had nothing to do with taking the key.

Believe me, nothing.

Yeah?

Take the train to Bonn this morning.

Go to the Beethoven Museum.

Wait inside.

Wait for who?

[Who are you supposed to wait for?]

What did you do, sleep here last night?

[Wait for who?]

I don't know who I'm supposed to meet.

Oh now, goddamn it, Kressin, I really don't know.

[Where are you meeting someone you don't know?]

I can't tell you.

[Where?]

I can't tell you where!

I've got my first lead. They're gonna give me an assignment, I'm in with them.

[I'm asking where?]

I promised to deliver Charlie Umlaut alive, didn't I?

You don't believe me, do you?

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have pulled such a stunt on you.

My work's down the drain if I don't get there this morning.

[Where exactly?]

[- I'm asking where, Sandy? - Where, where, where!]

If I tell you where, you know we'll both end up

with egg on our faces.

Now somebody will spot you and nobody will make a move to meet me there.

[It's murder. I can arrest or expel you within the hour for holding out.]

I'm not holding out on anything!

Now I'm very close to cracking the murder and wrapping up my own case.

Now will you please, bitte, bitte, give me one more chance!

I got to be there this morning.

[Where abouts?]

Beethoven Museum in Bonn.

I'm supposed to wait for somebody there. And I tell you the goddamn truth, Kressin,

I don't know who the hell it is!

[- Hello.] - Hi.

[- One ticket, please. - One ticket, 1.50 marks.]

Mmmm, American?

Umhmm.

Do I fit the description?

Oh, yes. But she didn't tell me that you were so tall.

I'm Verena.

Why the hell didn't she meet me here?

Oh, you prefer her?

Nooo.

Not at all, not at all.

We're going to make a great team, Verena.

Oh, I hope so.

She told me so many nice things about you.

I'll bet she did.

Well, where does the fun start?

Apartment or hotel?

What are you saying?

What are you talking about?

The bed.

We've got to get there right away, you know? We've got to get the lay of the place.

We can't, we can't score here.

What's the matter? Is there something wrong?

Is this the first time you're going to show your ass for a camera?

Is your name John Walsh?

If that's the name you want me to use it's okay with me.

Are you John Walsh?

Who the hell's John Walsh?

How dare you try to pick me up here?

Like a whore.

Of all places.

Here!

Beethoven.

He was born in that room.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Molesting strange girls in this house.

Are we a team?

Mmmm. Look at that.

That's his hair when he was a young man.

And that's when he was older.

Those are his glasses.

And that's his bill.

Can you imagine, Ludwig van Beethoven paying a bill?

And that's his razor.

Are we working together or not?

Is there a reason for meeting in this place?

What, I don't understand?

It doesn't matter.

Most conversation is trivia, anyway.

He managed to avoid it.

Those are his ear trumpets. Look.

[The "Moonlight Sonata".]

You know, when I was little girl,

I used to fall asleep listening to my father playing Moonlight Sonata.

There's been a four-year old quarrel between a break-away state in Africa and Great Britain

over white supremacy.

The black statesmen refused to go to London.

Pride.

And Sir Nicholas refused to go to Africa.

Also pride.

So they agreed to fight it out in a neutral battlefield like right here in Bonn.

Very good.

I didn't get a chance to tell you how lucky I was,

picking a pro like you out of all the chicks in Cologne.

Ah, some men are born lucky, hmm?

Well, what do you like?

Sir Nicholas? Or the Black?

Black, of course.

I wonder how much he'll pay.

That's not in your department.

We forgot one important item.

What about the geography of this place?

That's also not in your department.

I'm very familiar with that bedroom there.

[Anyway, his character was much grander than Cyrano de Bergerac's nose.]

[When he said, "Madam,]

[you have to experience romance not once, but at least twice.]

[Excuse my not remembering,]

[that you're my third wife."]

[It wouldn't have sounded as nice in any other language.]

[That's right, isn't it?]

Where did you meet this charming raconteur, Sir Nicholas?

In Washington, D.C.

- She is a fount of the most delightful anecdotes. - Thank you.

May I compliment you on your gown?

Oh, thank you, your Excellency. [Authentic, huh?]

It is unbelievably authentic.

Down to the very last detail.

Gentlemen. To a most remarkable young lady.

To your Excellency's success.

With or without the prayers of ngangas (spiritual healers*).

May I inquire how you know about ngangas?

Oh, when I became addicted to sorghum beer.

Allow me to interrupt.

Do you really like that native beer?

It is delicious! You should try it!

Amazing.

But please go on about the ngangas.

Well, I was told that every one of those

witch doctors forgot their individual differences

just to pray for you,

and an independent nation.

They prayed against more disillusionment.

We've become used to being disillusioned.

But I would like to think that tonight the whites are being sincere.

You know, the InDuna was a fascinating host.

Hyena tails and impala, monkey and civet skin,

and a television set.

- Did it work? - I will wager it did not.

It did not.

Then he rattled his assegai (spear*) against an oxhide shield.

And with justifiable anger he say that,

while man is planning civilization on the moon,

your Excellency's nation is expected to move

at the pace of an ox wagon.

This is a night I shall never forget.

His father in Calcutta had a mistress who

looked just like you.

A mistress or a maid.

So this is the magnificent view of the Rhine

you promised to show me.

Oh no, it's about four premiers,

eight ambassadors, six cabinet ministers,

and one president from here.

But it's beautiful, huh?

Yes.

What's the matter? You're not feeling well?

Too much champagne, huh?

Afraid so.

Come, some fresh air.

- Please. - Yeah, that'll do you good. Come.

It often happens, you know.

Waiter? Can you get me some Coke please?

Just a minute. (?**)

You'll feel all right later.

You will.

What a pleasure to meet you...

Lady Rogers, I believe.

- Yes. - Hello.

- My greetings to Sir Charles. - Thank you.

Is it better, hmm?

No?

In about 10 minutes you'll be all right.

- Waiter, please. - Too much champagne.

Oh, waiter!

- Mr. Meier. Happy to meet you. - Mr. Meier?

[- Madame? - What I promised earlier? Later, okay?]

[Later, all right?]

[Hurry, this way.]

All right.

Doctor Olivera?

- Are you a real doctor? - Yes, I am.

Doctor, an emergency in the main dining hall. Would you go, please?

- Certainly. - Thank you.

- This way, your excellency. - Come.

Oh, you'll be all right.

Hit him, hit him, hit him, hit him, hit him! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Bingo!

Head up (?**), Charlie.

And...

[- Did you see his Excellency? - Yes. Just went up the stairs.]

[- Alone? - No.]

Excellency? Excellency?

His Excellency wasn't feeling well.

Can I help you take him back to his room?

Get dressed.

- Your Excellency. - Well?

I had to get the German authorities to arrange this meeting and vouch for me.

Who took this picture?

I did, sir.

I was the waiter who drugged you last night.

You see sir, I'm trying to locate the negative of a U.S. senator they're blackmailing.

Now, according to the girl, they have the pulse of politics,

and they know how to take advantage of statesmen.

Then why don't you arrest her?

Well, sir, we have no proof of her complicity.

Now, she'll claim she was doped and taken advantage of, in that photo and in others.

Then what shall we do about this?

Impossible.

What you're asking me to do is to pay them when they contact me.

That's right, sir.

I refuse.

That's your prerogative, sir.

I demand that you seize whoever contacts me for the payment.

But sir, that won't stop the extortion from continuing.

Then what good is it for you to inform me of all this?

You are helpless. I can do nothing.

What good is it?

Sir, to inform you

that I'm trying to break up the ring and get your money back.

Her performance was beyond criticism.

And beyond praise.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa!

- Hello. - Ha, ha. Hello.

I forgot the eggs, sit down. Sit down, come on.

Jeez! It's beautiful!

I forgot eggs, I'm sorry! I forgot eggs.

Guess who has the eggs.

- Oh, no. - Yep.

That's terrific. Terrific!

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

You know, only an American would think of a picnic here. You're so corny.

Well, look at this place, it's a marvelous place to eat!

Look at this!

- How about a little wine? - Yeah.

All right.

You know, I'm really grateful you suggested this.

I needed the change.

From what?

Yesterday.

Oh, yeah. Well that was a pretty close shave.

Yeah. Do you think he'll have a heart attack

when he sees those photographs?

Why should he?

- You know, his mission is so important to him... - Now, now, now, take it easy, Christa.

My father always told me, don't ever get emotionally involved.

Yeah, but he's such a wonderful man.

Warm, and what he represents.

- Didn't it make you feel sick? - Hell no.

I don't know how I got into this filthy business.

Same as me. Money.

No, not at first.

Now, don't tell me you were a frustrated photographer's model.

No, worse. A frustrated actress.

So you're pretty good.

No, not good enough.

You know, I tried them all.

Stage. And I tried screen.

Marie Antoinette. Madam Lafayette.

TV. Even nudies.

Yeah, which ones?

Yeah, but my whole life was acting. Acting.

I couldn't live any other way.

And when this job came along,

it gave me a chance all actresses dream of having.

My roles are always authentic, real, exciting.

Sometimes even dangerous.

But always fulfilling.

'Till yesterday with that black man. It made me feel sick.

(Don't) let the boss hear you talk like that, it'll make him a little nervous.

Yeah, you're right. I must control myself.

Where's the head office?

You'll find out in time.

When the boss thinks I'm okay?

Umhmm, that's right.

Do you think I'm okay?

I'm not the boss.

You know, I like those little circles underneath your eyes.

Little circles?

They're bags! But I was told they give me character.

How many girls in the organization?

Did Nixon tell Moscow about Peking?

Are any of those chicks in your league?

Why, do you prefer a new partner?

No. I'm in love with that strawberry.

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of having it removed.

- Why? - I hate flaws.

Anyway, I'd like to eat your flaw with a spoon.

Spoon? Forget the spoon, hmm?

You know, you're quite a character. I like you.

Yeah, everybody likes everybody when they kiss.

You're not everybody.

And you don't kiss like everybody.

[Cherie, you were fantastic last night.]

You know, you were foolish to hang on to one of those photographs last night.

Well, I... thought I could get a little extra bonus for myself.

Is that what you did this morning?

She asked you a question.

Uh, no, I dropped the idea.

Why?

Well it was stupid.

You were stupid to disappear this morning.

Where did you go?

Well, here. I took a ferry across the river and came here to Drachenfels.

You were told to wait at the hotel for Christa.

Well, I left her a note I was going to be here.

- No! - Pick it up.

And don't throw it into the Rhine.

I don't like my river to be called the sewer of Europe

because of careless wise-guys like you.

Haven't you heard of ecology?

Take him out of my eyes.

I have a strange feeling that Mensur is having me watched.

Why?

Has he questioned you about me?

You're talking like if you're on drugs.

On a trip or...

- Something! - What made you say that?

Charlie! That new color hair.

It changed more than your looks.

It has affected your mind!

Hello?

- Sandy? - Yes, sir.

I'm at my wit's end.

They jumped the payments to $50,000 a month.

Are you making any progress,

have you got any kind of a lead on those bastards?

Yes, sir. I'm working with them.

Well that's great, Sandy, that's great.

But I don't know who the hell they are, senator.

Did you run down that blonde with the strawberry birthmark?

Yes, sir, that's how I got in with them.

That's wonderful, wonderful.

Where are they operating from?

I wish the hell I knew, senator.

Sandy?

Sir?

You know I can beat 'em.

Now unless I get that goddamn negative,

I'll never be president.

That's the man. Chang Fong, with Lin Biao.

With Mao Tse-tung.

And with Chou En-lai.

Mr. Fong has been for two years in political hot water.

But, because of his prominence during the cultural revolution,

and his long-standing association with Mao,

he was saved from complete oblivion.

It was a sort of last chance test for him, you understand? Just a last chance.

And for two years he's lived like a monk.

And worked like hell to prove himself.

He's in Duisburg now to buy ships for China.

Then he will go to Krupp Essen to buy 150 locomotives.

If this mission is carried off without any mishap,

he'll join the Chinese delegation at the United Nations.

Knowing his ferocious hunger for a place in history,

he'll pay any price

to become a member of the Security Council.

Hey listen. Every department is on the look out (?**) for him.

Every one.

But Mr. Fong is a very, very difficult man.

Much more difficult than the African.

He's also a very cautious man.

But partial to journalists from Paris Match.

Any progress with Sandy?

Oh, the usual curiosity all the new photographers show.

Who's the boss? Where do we operate from?

Et cetera, et cetera.

Just keep doing your homework with him. Charlie Umlaut?

- Sir? - I have observed you going through

shivering rituals several times, haven't you, Christa?

- Yes. - Are you ill, Charlie?

- No, sir. - Doesn't he look like he's on dope?

- Are you on dope, Charlie? - No, sir.

- Christa? - He looks like he's on smack.

- Never! - Illegal moonlighting?

- Moonlighting? - Yes, moonlighting.

- Illegal moonlighting. - Oh no, sir.

Then why should customs be after you?

It was never in a few geisha girls from Tokyo?

Johnson. Maybe Johnson was moonlighting.

Those American private detectives make very little money.

He must have been mixed up in some kind of smuggling.

Ah, would customs here figure that the man who shot him was also involved in smuggling? Yes!

- That'd make sense Christa, doesn't it? - Not to me.

Mr. Mensur, it sure does.

Well, let's lay a little mousetrap for him.

- Mousetrap? - Yes, a little mousetrap.

You don't mind playing the cheese, do you?

No, sir.

I don't want you to be recognized here. You go to Cologne, have your hair changed back to its natural color.

You will be seized.

But the mouse will be caught by my men.

And uh, I'll find out why customs is after you. Alright?

Enjoy the carnival, Charlie.

Ciao!

You like football?

Basketball?

I hate all sports.

Thank you.

- They're made of steel, the same... - Steel?

Steel, yes. It's the same material in the whole plant (?**).

Especially we use full speed in order to test the locomotives in all (?**).

May I?

Of course! Be our guest.

Enter the loco.

Wave.

That's it. Keep waving, keep waving.

Perfect.

Paris Match should have sent you to China

to write of the Peking matches.

Ping pong? Oh, sorry.

I would have adored meeting Mao Tse-tung.

But ping pong? That's not a true sport.

It's a bore.

I agree with you.

But I did not have the courage to say that to Mao.

Personally, I think it bores him too.

That is off the record, of course.

Of course.

Pardon me, Mr. Fong. For approval before signing them off.

How long have you worked together?

As a team?

Please sit down, Mr. Sherman.

Oh, we've been on assignments before.

Mr. Sherman's a freelance and often sells his work to Life magazine.

Oh, yes, I recall.

Paris Match and Life often exchange texts and pictures.

Yeah, that's right.

I approve of these.

But, you've overlooked one specific photo, Mr. Sherman.

What's that, Mr. Fong?

Ms. Feyar is a very unusual female.

She not only understands the working of the

politburo, but her quotation shows

a fine literary appreciation of Peking's foreign policy.

More than some of our own writers.

Thank you.

- My wife. - Mrs. Fong?

Yes. Is a Red Guard leader,

and I'm sure will appreciate when I tell her

about an unusual western young lady who should

be on China's bookshelves and in all the libraries in China.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Sherman, you have overlooked taking a picture

of us together.

For Mrs. Fong, of course.

We'll take care of that.

Thank you.

Which side do you like?

I beg your pardon?

Which side does Mrs. Fong prefer?

Oh, the left, of course.

Terrific. Terrific, terrific, terrific.

[speaking Chinese]

Good morning.

Morning, Mr. Fong.

Good morning.

I don't wish to be abrupt,

but actually, I'm not well.

What is so urgent?

The photo for Mrs. Fong we promised,

and one for you.

Yes, they're very good, but what is the urgency?

The United Nations.

Oh my God, is he dead?

If he is, we struck out.

No...

Alright, come on. Wake up. Come on, come on, come on.

Wake up, Charlie Chan, wake up!

All right. And just so you won't think it's all a bad dream.

Huh?

Good. Now that photo's going to cost you a rickshaw

of rice bowls or you'll never get to the UN when it hits the newspapers.

Now, just nod, Mr. Fong. Just nod if you understand.

Now, if you talk to the police, we're gonna send

all the pictures to your party General Red Flag.

And nobody'll be able to save you.

You don't have to be so rough!

Now will you pay?

[speaking Chinese]

Say it in English!

- Goddamn it. - Are you crazy?

Get out of here. Say it in English!

Are you out of your mind?

I will pay...

$100,000. We don't care how you get it,

but get it here in cash.

Let him go!

Now you call Peking.

Phone the Great Wall of China, phone somebody

to get the money, but get it here in cash.

Now call!

Well, I hated to shake him up, but I had to put on an act for her.

He is the most cold-blooded bastard I've ever worked with.

Maybe you're right on both counts. I'm warped and she's a bitch.

Yeah, but you should have seen Mr. Fong.

He looked like rigor mortis was setting in.

Well, after a few more jobs, I'm sure I'll meet Christa's boss.

I'll meet him face-to-face when you're convinced that uh, he can be trusted.

What'll she get when you make the bust?

[A life sentence.]

100 years or what?

[The nuthouse.]

[speaking foreign language]

[speaking foreign language]

[It's highly regrettable, that most cabinet members are incapable...]

[of world peace, of creating world peace...]

[which all diplomats should send you.]

To the Germans we will lose our land.

But to the Russians, our soul.

This is Mr. Novak.

His life ambition is to become Chairman

of the Presidium.

He has a personal fortune.

And the backing in his country to pull it off.

But be wary of him.

He's as sharp as a Spanish sword.

And deadlier than a spike-studded brass ball.

Right now, as a facade, he's in Cologne

promoting trade and tourism.

Get him.

I have a confession to make to you, Mr. Novak.

That you're not with the Trade and Tourism Commission?

How did you know?

Easy, Christa now. Easy.

Remember what you've been told.

Composure.

Always composure.

Mr. Novak is a very ambitious pigeon.

And about to be plucked for at least...

$100,000.

You haven't lost your touch.

I thought you were in Paris.

After my picture with lord Campbell appeared

in the newspapers,

my face was just good for sex films.

Oh.

That bastard Mensur told me he would use me again

if I had a plastic job.

Oh, no, Stephanie, you should never change it.

You have such a beautiful face.

[Sorry, ladies, may I join you?] May I join you, please?

- Mr. Kovacs. - Novak.

[Excuse me]. Mr. Novak.

Doctor Bogdanovich.

Madam.

Doctor Bogdanovich, Mr. Novak.

Very glad to meet you, Mr. Novak.

You're not what you pretend to be.

Oh?

Then you tell me what you think I am.

An actress.

What do you want from me?

Want from you? Oh, Christa, what do you think I am?

A blackmailer?

And armed to the teeth for publicity.

Mr. Mensur will not like what you are doing, you know that, huh?

Mensur should kiss my ass for me not giving

him away to the police.

[What a guy, Mr. Novak.]

I'm going to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary.

And of course, you must give them gifts.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Christa.

In the corner over there is an exquisitely

restricted book on erotica

mama would love.

From Japan.

How much?

Two thousand chopsticks.

I think I know what baffles you about me, Mr. Novak.

Yes, what is it?

How did I acquire my Trade and Tourism authorization?

In that other corner is a very funny dirty movie,

16 millimeter.

It's only 3000 feet. And in color.

It is the authentic sex life of Santa Claus.

[Impossible.]

[- I met a man. - Ah, it's a good place for that.]

[Did you never want to act, Mr. Novak?]

[- You should, you really should. - You know if one is no longer...]

[ Yes, but Shakespeare, that's where it comes from.]

Hello?

We can't find Mr. Novak to collect.

That bastard's gone.

He's riding up and down the Rhine holding his own goddamn carnival party.

Now you get on that boat right now.

Get on it before he's off to Bangladesh or we'll never collect it.

Now you get moving!

I think we'd better settle this in private.

We can settle this right here.

Look, even if you have us thrown overboard,

it won't stop our people from printing that in the newspapers unless you pay us

$100,000 cash in Amsterdam.

You mean to tell me that if I don't pay you $100,000,

you'll have this printed in the newspapers?

On the front page.

On the front page?

Ticklish, huh?

Oh, you must have this printed in the newspapers.

Yes, it will change my image.

I've tried for years to change my image.

Well, now I'm going to give you a little surprise.

Now stop the music!

Stop that uh, Debussy.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet the new

Mr. Novak.

And boy, just look at that!

Just look at this, boys!

Now come on, let's not get too greedy!

Let's get this back, isn't that a beaut?

Isn't that lovely? That's a beauty!

Well, maybe we should do him a favor and put that picture in the paper.

You know, that's the trouble with the world today.

Not enough people doing favors for other people.

I always like to do favors for people. It makes me feel good...

Stop it. Stop it, will you.

Novak didn't break the ice.

It was Mr. Fong.

I'll never forget that look in his eyes.

He was the first one I ever confronted with a photo.

Why him?

Why him for the first time?

I tell you why.

Because I tried to prove something to myself.

Something I never felt before.

Oh, it wasn't his contempt for me that made me feel dirty.

It was my contempt for myself.

Because of you I tried to prove that something to myself.

All my life, I've wanted to experience one emotion.

Money couldn't quench it.

Blackmail couldn't drown it.

And every time I looked it straight in the face,

it didn't shake me or frighten me.

Because I never knew it.

And then you came into my life.

You and your funny way of talking.

And then I saw me. A bitch.

A no good bitch.

I'll never be able to undo all the horrible things I've done.

I'm all mixed up, Sandy.

Crazy thoughts keep going through my mind.

I'm not religious.

Confession is for whores and hypocrites.

How can I believe in anything if

God is always won by hate and force and lies.

I'm no barbarian.

Like in the Crusades when they went naked for Christ

and ate human flesh.

But in spite of the Crusades,

I say in spite of the Crusades, so help me God,

I love you, Sandy.

I love you, and I want you to forgive me for what I am.

I love you too, knot head.

We'll change our names.

Take a plane from Amsterdam.

I can't.

Why not?

I still have to get that negative of you and the senator in Washington D.C.

Are you the police?

Private investigator.

I slipped you a pill that day and framed you.

Bortulino wasn't in that picture with you, it's me wearing his face.

Now there's only one bastard in our family

that has to go to confession.

- Will you help me? - Help you?

- I'll get all the negatives for you. - Who's the boss?

Mr. Mensur.

There's only one way to get to them.

You mean have me meet him face-to-face?

The only way.

- Where? - Cologne.

That's where we do our last job. The cabinet minister.

Why?

- Why not? What's wrong with it? - I don't know.

It'll open the doors when we deliver the money together.

It'll make him suspicious if I drop in without an invite.

- I'm inviting you. - But how can you swing it?

When I tell him you can be trusted.

[- Are you alone? - Yes.]

[What would you like to drink? Vodka, brandy, bourbon, gin & tonic]

[ - or grappa? - Grappa, yes.]

Just a toy.

For carnival party, I'm going dressed as a cowboy.

What's your name?

Your name?

Petra Falvini.

Thank you.

You know, Christa was a little girl like you, once.

Right after the war.

Hungry. No place to sleep.

Must've been pretty tough for a two or three year old kid.

I come to Germany looking for a negative.

And end up falling for one.

Shouldn't have let her go alone to get that money from the cabinet minister.

And she's doing a big thing, sticking her neck out for me.

She's mixed up. Wacky.

Maybe that's why I fell for her.

I got to keep a date.

Take care.

I outsmart them all because I'm Charlie Umlaut.

I'm Charlie Umlaut and I've got more brain in my head

than every one of you.

More brain than Johnson and Mensur.

I'm Charlie Umlaut, I'm...

(**?)

I think I know that face.

Hey!

Do you know that face?

Here, over there.

This man!

I'm not quite sure, but I think I know him.

Do you know that face?

I've got more brain than all together.

Johnson? He is dead.

He was born dead!

And also Mensur is going to die!

Hey, Christa! Christa!

I think I know her face, too.

Hey, we better get out of here before the whole town goes crazy.

Where's Mensur?

Bonn.

I know her face.

Really, I do!

Look there, I know her face!

How are we going to get through this jam?

If you get lost I want you to meet me at that book shop, you know at the bahnhof?

- Yeah! - That's a face that's coming out of my mind!

Yeah, I know her face!

I'm going to take everybody out!

I know her face, too!

- At the bahnhof? - Yeah!

- Bahnhof? - Yeah!

Hey, Christa!

I am Charlie Umlaut! And I'm going to kill everybody now!

I don't want any longer to be Charlie Umlaut!

- Christa! - You're just a stooge, Charlie Umlaut.

Charlie!

You are cheese, Christa.

He sent you to trap me.

- Charlie! - I'm Charlie Umlaut, and I'm on smack!

- Christa! - I'm Charlie Umlaut! I'm Charlie Umlaut!

And you bet I'm on smack!

Help! Don't Charl...

[The train on platform 4A is ready for departure.]

Take him off guard. Win his confidence.

I think he keeps them in a wall safe.

But I'm not quite sure.

Don't you go poking around for them, you leave that to me.

Give me 15 to 20 minutes, darling, all right?

To soften him up for you.

Then we'll be home free.

Okay.

Mister Mensur?

Christa?

Mister Mensur?

- Mister Mensur? - Come in, Sandy.

Hello, my boy.

Come in, please come in.

Congratulations.

You did a marvelous job with that cabinet minister.

- Thank you, sir. - No, I mean it, really marvelous.

However, there's nothing more stupid than private detectives.

Except for American private detectives.

You stay right where you are, alright?

- Where's Christa? - Your gun isn't faulty.

I'm simply wearing a bullet-proof vest.

Where's Christa?

Dead, of course.

Aren't you curious about my vest?

It's the very, very latest model.

This is what you're after, isn't it?

It is also what your late partner, Mr. Johnson, was after.

It's really an excellent picture of the senator who employed you.

How much did he promise you for it?

50,000.

Quite a fortune for a man who's used to being paid, how much? A few dollars a day?

For watching lovers through a window.

The senator will most likely be elected.

Fun! We never had a president on board.

All my negatives are in there. All of them.

You see. I leave the door open.

You go ahead. Help yourself, Sandy.

Sandy, boy. Help yourself.

One-handed detectives don't get their licenses renewed in New York.

You know, I'm going to give you a chance

to get out of here alive.

Like you gave Christa?

She deserved no chance.

Pick it up.

Oh you're crazy.

I caught her snooping around the safe here.

I guessed there was a little hanky panky going on between you two. I was right.

Pick it up!

I've never handled one of those things in my life!

Americans are violent people.

They're always fighting, aren't they?

Are you an American?

You'll fight!

I'm sure if you win the senator will reward you with a cabinet post.

Or perhaps even make you

the new chief of the FBI.

En garde.

It will be fair. (?**)

My bullet-proof vest weighs three pounds.

Slows down my speed.

En garde.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, please. Pick it up.

Yes, that's right. That's right.

All right. Ready?

Now come, my boy. You can do it.

You can do it. That's good.

Marvelous.

Very good.

Excellent.

Very good.

Very versatile, (?**).

Temper, temper, temper, temper.

You son of a bitch.

Now, now, now.

Well come on, come on.

All right.

Christa!

Give me the negatives.

- What? - Give me the negatives, Sandy.

Ah, hell.

I'm sorry, Sandy.

So am I, Christa.

♫ Hey you

♫ You're losing, you're losing

♫ You're losing, you're losing

♫ Your fantasy

♫ Hey you

♫ You're losing, you're losing

♫ You're losing, you're losing

♫ Your fantasy ♫

So am I.