All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine.Nine.S03E19

Bonjour, mes amis.

Oh, someone had
a good time in Paris.

Oh, Kevin and I shared
a perfect week together.

I feel like I'm floating
on a croissant.

I wonder why people don't just
break into song more often.

I've been asking you
for months if I could

answer the phone like,

♪ Who dis? ♪

Give it a whirl, girl.

Guys, he's rhyming.

He's telling Gina to sing.

Captain Holt is on
a vacation high!

He will say yes to
anything right now.

I would like a police horse,

and I'd like Terry to be
riding it almost constantly.

I'd like an HR person
to remind everyone

about workplace boundaries.

The Japanese make toilet seats

which squirt a heated jet
of water right up your...

I'm gonna stop you
right there, bud.

What we need in here is
an armored personnel carrier...

a tank!

Two tanks.
I want a tank too.

Great, so everyone gets a tank.

Just remember we can't ruin
Captain Holt's vacation high,

so no one say anything
that'll upset him.

Oh, no, what are those morons
doing in there?

Maybe it's not that bad;
maybe they didn't upset him.

What'd you do?
What'd you say?

Nothing.
We just said, "Welcome back."

And laughed with him about all
the weight he gained in France.

No!

Why is everyone just
standing around?

Get back to work!

So long, tank.

Tank?

I gained three pounds
in Paris...

three pounds!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

Hey, Terry, I have
a package for you.

Ooh, Sarge got a present.

"What's in the box?"

Brad Pitt, "Se7en."

But seriously,
what's in the box?

The worst thing in the world.

Shut up, stupid.

Okay, so who sent you a kitten

and why do you hate it?

It's not a kitten.

It's a slap in the face

for something
that happened 20 years ago.

When you had a flat top?

I know you had a flat top,

'cause I saw pictures.

Sorry, go on with your story,
Flat Top Terry.

It was 1995.

I'd just made detective.

I was really excited about
my first day at the 6-5,

but the guys in the squad
were a bunch of jerks.

Hi, I'm Terry.

Which desk is mine?

Solve a case,

then you get a desk.

They were like
that about a lot of stuff.

Whoa, solve a case,
then you get coffee.

Solve a case, then you can sign

Debbie's birthday card.

Sounds like you needed
to solve a case.

Exactly, so I picked
the biggest one I could find:

a string of B&Es,

all with the same M.O.

Guy climbed in through
high-rise windows.

After a month,
I found my suspect:

Dmitri Kuzkho.

Ex-acrobat with
a criminal record.

Circus trash!
It has to be him.

That's exactly what I said.

Circus trash!
It has to be him.

I tracked down my acrobat,

got SWAT to surround
his building.

There was no way anything
could go wrong.

NYPD! Down!

Get on the ground!

Let's see your hands!

Uh-oh.

My guy had a terrible
trapeze fall two years prior...

snapped his spine in half.

So why the kitten?

Well, in the moment,

I may have gotten
a little flustered.

Look, he's got a cat!

He trained the cat
to do the robberies!

That's why they call them
cat burglars!

Why is no one saying anything?

Oh, Terry.

Yeah, now they send me cats

to remind me of that day
and rub it in my face.

I'm gonna go put a ad online

so I can find someone to adopt
this evil, little turd.

Counterpoint:

you two make an adorable couple.

Might I suggest
putting him in a mug

and pretending to take a sip?

Terry, are you stomping off
to do my thing?

Oh, hey, can I borrow that?

Genevieve's out of town.

I need two phones
so I can send her

a "frontie" and a "backie."

I don't want your ass
in my cloud.

Adrian, are you living
in the break room?

No, why do you ask?

Uh, because you're
shaving your shoulder

in our communal eating space;

you have a bed set up
on the couch;

stuff like that.

Fine.
Busted.

My landlord kicked me out
because my stupid neighbors

couldn't handle a few
tiny night screams.

I was dreaming that someone
was trying to scalp me

with a sharpened
grapefruit spoon.

Aren't brains fascinating?

I mean, where does it
come up with this stuff?

When I was undercover,
someone did try and scalp me

with a sharpened
grapefruit spoon.

Sure, that would do it.

Aren't you dating Rosa?

Can't you just stay with her?

Oh, yeah, no, we're doing
this really hot thing

where we haven't told each other
where we live.

Makes our sex play
really erotic.

- Barf.
- I totally get that.

Well, you let me know if
there's anything I can do.

Oh, yes, I will
stay at your home.

Thank you.

Me?
What... how now?

You just said you
wanted to help.

Oh, unless you weren't
being serious,

which I would get.

I've been betrayed before.

For instance,
by the grapefruit spoon guy.

No, no, no, no, definitely.

You could stay with me.

Oh!
You're the best, Chuck!

Thank you!

But for real, get yourself
some good ear plugs,

because I really downplayed
how horrible

those night screams are.

Ah.

All right, I'll see you
later, roomie.

All right.

Attention:
the 9-9 will be hosting

a bomb-defusing class tomorrow.

I highly recommend attending.

Defusing an explosive device
is the ultimate test

of skill under pressure.

And the stakes: life or death.

- Will lunch be provided?
- Yes.

Count us in.

Anyone else?

- I'm in.
- Me too.

This class sounds
like "da bomb."

I'd rather you didn't attend

if you're not gonna
take it seriously.

- Yup.
- Dismissed.

I'm gonna dominate that class.

You don't cross-stitch
for 20 years

without developing
a steady hand.

Wow, you really think
that's a brag, don't you?

20 bucks says I do better
in that class than you do,

thread-head.

All right, you're on.

And I'll have you know
that "thread-head"

is a glowing compliment
in the sewing community.

If you wanted to insult me,

you should've called me
a stitch skipper.

- Okay, stitch skipper.
- Oh, I handed it to you!

You better look cute
in this picture,

or no one's gonna want you.

Do something with
your damn paws!

Whoa, whoa, Sarge, relax.

Look, I think you might be
overreacting a little

to this prank,
and I should know.

You probably won't believe this,
but I was bullied in high school

for being too handsome.

- I don't believe you.
- You're right.

It was for setting my crotch
on fire in shop class.

Hurt like the dickens.

Point is, haters gonna hate.
Shake it off.

Taylor Swift, always right.

The reason bullies get to me

is because I lived with one...

my dad.

He was a cruel man
who didn't like his life,

and he took it out on me.

Okay, okay.

Now we're getting somewhere.

If you're having dad problems,

that's my jam, son.

Real weird take on
my crappy father.

You know how I turned
the corner with my dad?

I stood up to him,

and that's what you need
to do with your dad.

No, he died in 1988.

Oh, okay, well,
that probably won't work, then.

But it doesn't mean you can't
go over to the 6-5

and stand up to those bullies.

They'll just make
fun of me more.

What are you
talking about, Terry?

You are a human mountain.

You have more muscles
in your ears

than I have in my entire body.

Never skip ear day, Jake.

You can crush metal
with your bare hands.

You can lift a city bus.

You can make your boobies
do that bouncy thing.

- They're called pecs.
- Same thing.

Now, get on over to the 6-5

and make those big jerks
take back that tiny kitten.

Yeah.
All right.

I'm doing it.

Didn't work.

I have more kittens than before.

What? How?

Morning, Sarge.

Oh, good morning,

my sweet, little cuties.

Don't call them cute.

They'd kill us all if
they were smart enough

to use weapons,
but you're not smart.

You're dumb.

You're always naked,
and you pee in a box.

I suppose they're
not totally naked

with the fur.

Anyways, you know how you didn't
solve that case 20 years ago?

Thanks for reminding me.

You don't see me bringing up
how you burned your junk off.

That didn't happen.

There was just some
light blistering.

The point is,
the only thing those bullies

have over you is that you
never solved that case.

So why don't
we solve it together?

How are we gonna do that?

We'll sneak into the 6-5,

steal that old case file,

and work it till we find
your burglar.

Then we march back
into that precinct...

And we grind these kittens up

and shove them
down their throats!

Yes!

Don't listen to him.

You're a part of something
much bigger than yourselves.

Well, good morning, Linetti.

Whoo, I slept like
a frickin' baby last night.

Staying at Chuck's
is like a dream.

Little guy loves doting on me,

although you're gonna need
to buy some bigger underwear

if we're gonna be sharing,
you know what I mean?

Okay, I'll get right on that.

Okay, cool.
Here.

Take care of this for me,
will you?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go get some
breakfast candy.

Okay, catch you later.

So things are going really good

with the new roomie, it seems.

It's horrible.

There's someone's blood
all over the bathroom.

He sleep-choked me twice.

And the worst part...
this morning,

he ate all of my cereal.

That's the worst part?

They were Nortfluskers
bran circles!

I had them shipped from Oslo.

Oh, I want him out.

But I'm too scared to tell him.

All right, listen.

I know that your spirit animal

is a caterpillar
that's been stepped on...

- Mm-hmm.
- But mine is the mighty wolf.

And if you want to
beat an alpha,

you have to be an alpha.

Wrongo.

If you're good enough
at being a beta,

then the alpha
takes mercy on you

and ends up giving you
what you want.

- Boyle.
- Argh!

Could you stay out
of your kitchen

for the next, like, 48 hours?

I'm gonna be skinning
a deer than I shot.

What?

Ooh, and put up some of those
plastic sheets.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

- Good talk, buddy.
- Yup.

I got the file.

Oh, nice work.
How'd you do it?

Well...

the sergeant in charge
of the file room was a lady,

so I just turned on
the old Peralta charm.

Hey, there.

Some dude yarfed in
the men's restroom.

Could you please find somebody
to clean that up?

Terry, there was no yarf.

Yeah, I figured that.

Oh, okay.

Let's see what we got here.

40 photos of you standing next
to the guy in the wheelchair

and his cat.

They did a photoshoot.
They made mouse pads.

They are bad dudes.

All right, here's our plan.

We are gonna re-interview
all the original victims

of this case, starting with
the first one,

Janice McMinnion.

Uh, she died 12 years ago.

- All right, the second one.
- Also dead.

Okay, why don't you
just skip on down

to the first person
that's not dead.

Number eight.

Number eight, way to stay alive.

♪ Number eight, still alive ♪

♪ Number eight, still alive ♪

Moment of silence for
the first seven, though.

All right, let's go!

Ah, pressure bombs
with mercury switches.

IEDs with cell phone detonators.

Oh, is that C4?

Oh, my, we've got some
great bombs today, people.

Welcome.

In this course, we'll be
going over how to dispose

of 10 different types
of explosive devices.

What you learn today
could save your lives

and countless others.

- Any questions?
- Yes.

Will there be a grading
or point system

to see who's best?

At saving lives.

Yes, at saving lives.

Saving lives was always implied.

Well, you will be timed.

- Perfect.
- That'll do.

But I would recommend ignoring
the clock and focusing on...

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you answered the question.

Hurry up and teach us.

Hey, Slowpoke.

When we get out of here,

I'm gonna needlepoint you
a pillow that says, "Kapow."

Hey, Amy.
You suck.

Oh, yeah?
Well, guess what?

There's more room
on that pillow...

Real quick, before you finish:

you still suck.

Argh!

I'm working so much harder
than you on this trash talk,

and I'm the one whose
feelings are getting hurt.

Santiago, Diaz...
enough.

This is not about who's fastest.

This is a bomb
dismantling class.

We are police officers,
not street urchins

playing speed chess in the park.

For shame.

All right, thanks.

Okay, here's what
Esther remembers

about the night
that she was robbed.

She was either at a restaurant

or the movies
or doing something else.

And she was either
alone or with people.

The only thing she was
absolutely sure of

is that I seem like
a very nice boy,

which is not relevant
to the case,

but did make me feel very good.

This is stupid.

It was 20 years ago.

No one remembers anything.

I'm beginning to think
maybe we should...

Climb out on that ledge

and see how the perp got in.

- I was gonna say give up.
- What?

Right after I came up with
that incredible ledge thing, Terry?

We're 10 stories up.
You can handle that?

Sarge, I'm not scared
of heights, okay?

I'm scared of bees,
I'm scared of snakes,

and I'm scared that the Knicks
might never be good again,

but I am not scared of heights.

We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!

I would appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone

about my window ledge freak-out.

That's not as embarrassing
as thinking we could actually solve

a 20-year-old case
with no new leads.

Terry, we are gonna
solve this, all right?

Sure, maybe none of the work
we did today

led to any new information.

Jake...

And sure, most crimes are solved

within the first 48 hours,

but they never talk
about the crimes

that are solved within
the first 100 million hours.

No, look at this.

The guy who inspected
this elevator in 1996

was named Zerb Gudanya.

That's the same weird name

who inspected the elevators
in all four of the buildings

we've been to today.

Really?

Terry, that's a lead.

We have a lead!

We got a lead!

We got a lead!

We're gonna solve this case.

We're gonna solve this case.

I have to use the bathroom.

I got to use the bathroom.

I actually don't; I just got
in the rhythm of it.

There's Zerb Gudanya.

Pretty fancy car for
an elevator inspector.

The Club International
of Brighton Beach

International Club?

"International" and "club"
are both in the name twice.

Terry, this place sleazy.

Two priors,
wealth beyond his means,

and he had access
to the apartments

through the elevator shaft.

He has to be our guy.
Let's go.

Okay, I'll say
that I'm a businessman

from Moscow named Ilya.

"I make millions
from selling snow boots."

That was more just to
show off the accent.

I'm not wedded to
the snow boots thing.

Hey, fellas.

You didn't really think
that you could run an operation

in the 6-5 without us
finding out, did you?

There was no yarf.

This guy's good.

Jake, this is Holderton
from my old precinct.

So who are you guys
looking for in there?

A Tabby?

Siamese?

First of all, I never said
the cat was a burglar.

I said he might
be an accomplice.

You know what?

I hope the guy in there
is a cat.

That'll show you.

Yeah, if he was a cat,

he'd be much easier to apprehend

and probably much
less dangerous.

That's what we think.
Let's go.

Okay, I give up.
I need your help.

I'm ready to try it your way.

Shh, you came
at the perfect time.

He's eating,
and when an animal eats,

that's when they're at
their most vulnerable.

You need to get in there...

show him who the alpha is.

- I need a wolf name.
- Yes.

- Virginia Woolf.
- Huh?

Well, I'm not gonna be her
lame husband, Leonard.

Okay, it's time, Virginia.

Hey, little man,
let's talk about

how much longer you're
gonna stay at my place.

Are you threatening me, Chuck?

No, I'm not, sir.

I just want to tell you how
welcome you are to stay with me

forever and ever and ever,

m'lord.

Ha! Okay.

Good, thanks.

Next time don't be
so weird about it.

As you wish.
Good day, sir.

That's still weird.

All right, sorry.

You don't suck.

I'm sorry too.

We both said hurtful things.

You didn't.
I was fine.

Well, now you're just
lying to yourself.

But Holt was right.

We should have taken
this more seriously.

Done.

Fastest time today by
a full two minutes.

Whoo, mama!

Is everything okay over here?

Yes, couldn't be better,

because I destroyed you both.

What the hell?

I thought you said this
wasn't about winning.

I did say that,
so you would go slower

and I would win,
which is what happened.

You're just as competitive
as we are.

Absurd.
I'm more competitive.

Now who's "da bomb"?

So what did they make you
a sergeant for?

Did you arrest a pine cone?

He passed a written test,

just like
every other sergeant did.

You knew that.

Oh, no,
I thought he might have gotten

some kind of special promotion

from busting a pine cone.

Why do you keep
bringing up pine cones?

That's never been
a part of this.

You know what?

You're gonna eat your words,

because Sarge is about
to solve this case.

What, the old case
or the pine cone one?

You need to stop.

Look, our man Zerb is
sitting right over there,

and yeah, he's connected
to all of the robberies.

And he's shady as hell.

Look.

Waiter just gave him
a covert signal.

Now he's getting up.

Yeah, and now he's
following said waiter

to a secondary,

most likely even shadier spot.

Something's going on in there.

- Huh.
- Yeah, right... huh!

- Come on, let's go bust him!
- Come on.

Down, down!
Get down!

NYPD!

Uh-oh.

What are you doing, man?

Nothing!
I have high cholesterol!

My wife says I cannot
have red meat,

so they sneak in my beef stew.

Please don't shoot.

Oh, my God.

It happened again.

Only this guy's
sitting on a toilet

instead of a wheelchair.

That's even more dumb.

Here, here, Terry.

Move in closer so I can
get you in the photo.

What up, Jake?

Why are these dicks
out of their cage?

I stayed up all night

working on your case,

and Hans, John, and Nakatomi

made for great company.

I gave them all
"Die Hard" names.

I don't understand why
you wasted another night

on a case no one's
ever gonna solve.

Sarge, I am way too
sleep-deprived

to deal with
your negativity right now.

Let me show you what I did.

I started off by making a map

of all of the burglaries
that have gone down in Brooklyn

since 1996 to see
if there was a pattern.

That led me to this.

There is so much crime
in New York.

No one should live here.

Anyways, I tripped out
on that for a couple hours,

but I got cheered up

after a took a picture
of the kitties

messing around in
my little hoodie.

I'll show it to you later.

So basically, you wasted
a whole night.

No, no, no, my friend.

No, no, no, 'cause then
I dove back into your file

and found this.

Cool, the low point
of my entire life.

Sarge, this photo
was taken in 1996.

You told me your guy
broke his spine

two years before that, so '94.

Check out his sneakers.

'95 Jordans.

They came out a year
after the accident.

Look at the soles.

They're all muddy.

Which means...

That son of a bitch can walk!

- Bingo.
- Let's go!

All right.
Cat squad, assemble!

- Leave the cats.
- Okay.

Santiago, Diaz, I wanted
to talk to you

about our performance
in yesterday's

bomb defusing course.

We know, sir.
You won.

No, the three of us all failed.

Apparently our instructor felt

we didn't take it
seriously enough.

But Hitchcock and Scully passed.

What?

How did they defuse bombs
better than we did?

- Those were bombs?
- Unbelievable.

It's a low moment for us all.

I think the lesson here is
that we should not allow

our competitiveness to interfere
with the sanctity of our job.

Totally agree, sir.

However,

there is a precision driving
class next weekend.

Fastest one around
the track wins.

It's on.

I'm gonna run you both
off the road into a wall.

I'm gonna kill you.

Oh, my.

Hey, Chuck.

Will you bring these to
the dry cleaner for me?

Tell them the red stains are
blood and the brown stains are...

uh, let's say blood.

Well, sure.

Don't even bother
putting them in a bag.

I'll just carry them in my arms.

Hey.

Beard-o.

It's time for you to get out
of Charles's house today.

Hang on, ma'am.

You don't tell me what to do.

Uh, that's where
you're wrong, baby girl.

I run this precinct.

Watch this.
Scully!

- Go to sleep.
- Okay.

You think you can intimidate me?

Yeah.

When I was undercover,
Jimmy "The Butcher"

cut off my little toe
with garden shears

and made me eat it
as a loyalty test.

I've been through hell.

Big deal.

I worked an a sunglass kiosk
at the mall for four years.

So not only have
I been through hell,

I was assistant manager there.

Hmm.

You're gonna get out
of Chuckie's house.

And what's more,

you're gonna pay him rent
for the night you spent there.

- Fine.
- One more thing, babe.

You're gonna thank us both
right now.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- That was amazing.
- Told you.

He just needed to be alpha'd.

Is that what happened,
or did I just beta you

into protecting me?

No. No.

That's not what happened.

This is not your victory.

Sure.

Oh, my God.

Hey, there.

Remember me?

So this is weird.

Oh, no, you don't, circus trash.

Argh!

I knew it!

You could walk the whole time!

I was right about
the cat accomplice too, huh?

Now where's the cat?

Been 20 years, Sarge.
Cat's probably dead.

I'm still bringing him in!

Well, Sarge, you did it.

Now how should we rub
your sweet victory

in the 6-5's dumb faces?

We could send them
a box of rats,

'cause they're rats.

Or we could drop water balloons
on their cars.

You know what?

I'm good.

I don't think we should do that.

Really?
Any of it?

Yeah, after everything
you did for me...

encouraging me,

going out on that ledge
even though

you were scared to tears...

There was an air conditioner
above us.

It was dripping water
on my eyes.

We've been over this.

You stayed up all night
to solve the case.

It just reminded me
that I have people in my life

who cared about me.

I don't know why
I'm spending so much time

trying to prove things
to people who don't.

I guess you're a big man
in more ways than one.

Which I probably should
have anticipated but...

did not.

- What'd you do, Jake?
- Rats... I did the rats.

I couldn't wait.

Enjoy the rats, you rats.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, one's coming for me!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu