All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E14

Ant. Ant. Ant.

Ant. Ant.

God,
they're everywhere.

Are we sure that
we've cleaned up

all the food
and crumbs?

Why is everyone
looking at us?

We're the ones who
eat up all the crumbs.

Yeah,
we're the solution.

Well, there are no ants
on my desk

because I sanitize
it daily.

What do you
call that?

Ah!
Those are your ants!

They're using a monitor cable
as a land bridge.

Now they're destroying
our technology.

This is an invasion.

They're in my yogurt.

Now it's personal.

All right, that's it.
We have gotta fight back.

This is our planet!

Just use Boyle's cologne.
It's repulsive to everything.

Ah! Not cool.

You're going to Penn Station
to buy me a new one.

The ant infestation?

It's bad.
They bite now, sir.

I think they're just trying
to avoid the cold weather.

We should freeze them out.

The plan is working,
Captain.

Yes.
We won.

Oh my God.
They're in the coats.

They're in our coats!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

♪ ♪

Okay.
I don't want Sophia to know

that I'm waiting
for her, so...

Should we pretend to have
a heated argument that I win?

Oh, or better yet:
a physical contest that I win.

What's going on?

I thought things were good
with you and Sophia.

Jake.

Did you do
something dumb?

That's a really good question,
but actually no,

I don't think so.

It's just been
a little weird lately.

She's acting
kind of distant.

Have you talked to her?

No, I don't want to
seem desperate.

Talking to her
is desperate?

Well, it's not breezy.

Jake? Hey.
Hey.

What are you guys
doing here?

Oh, just arguing
about America.

Did you know that
the Sarge doesn't think

we should have given women
the right to vote?

That is not true.

Oh, sure, you say
that now that she's here.

But, hey, now that we've
accidentally

bumped into each other,
what are you doing tonight?

You want to hang out?
Oh, I can't.

I have that event
for The Association

of The Brooklyn
Public Defenders

Remember, you called it
"Satan's Charity Ball,

colon, Rise of the Demons?"
Oh yeah.

Defense attorneys are monsters.
Oh.

Uh, except for you.
No, you're fine.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Right, right.
But I have a minute right now.

You want to go take
a walk in the park?

Oh, a walk in the park.
How romantic.

And I know where
all the murder spots are.

Oh. Do you want to see them
or avoid them?

The choice is yours,
m'lady.

Terry, don't wait up.

It's 10:00 A.M.
Yep.

Deputy Chief Wuntch
is here to see you.

Oh, please stay, Diaz.

I need a witness in case
her head starts spinning around

or if she turns into
a she-wolf.

Hello, Raymond.

No flaccid rejoinder?

Hmm.
What's going on?

I'm here on
important business.

I'm a frontrunner for a job
in the Boston PD.

Boston?
But it's so close to Salem.

You do know what they do
to witches up there, don't you?

This is amazing.
The job is Chief of Police.

I see.
So you've come to brag.

No.

The only blemish on
my record

is our long history
of interpersonal turbulence.

The Boston Commissioner
would like

to speak with you
about it.

I've come to ask
for your help.

The commissioner
will be calling you.

Wait.
Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh.

Oh. Moment savored.

So, where were we?
Ah yes, you were talking

about how I hold your fate
in the palm of my hand.

Oopsie.

Oh my God.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I lost my balance.

You think I'm bothered
by a little spilled milkshake?

I'm a food blogger,
I'm stained all over.

Okay, what is going on
with you two?

Well, you know how
our parents have been

tender-sexing each other?

Ew.
Precisely, Amy. Ew.

Boyle and I made a pact
to break them up,

and now this sticky little
gummy bear is backing out.

Look, I know you don't want
our lives intertwined,

but things have changed.

My father want to marry
your mom.

So you choose your dad
over me,

your coworker
who hates you.

Papa's a gentleman.

He won't propose
until he gets Gina's blessing

And she won't
give it to him.

Who says "papa?"
Are you a little French boy?

Oh ho-ho-ho.

I think maybe
I can help.

I took a seminar
on conflict resolution and...

I have been waiting weeks
to bust this bad boy out.

New binder smell.

Mm-mm.
Amy don't do this.

I'm gonna throw
a milkshake in your face.

This is nice.

I feel like
old people.

Should we sit here?

Jake, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

So, my boss hasn't been
assigning me

any of the good cases,

and I found out it's because
I'm dating a cop.

What?

Did he actually
say that?

No, but my colleagues did.

You know, everybody
I work with

think of cops
as the enemy.

That's crazy.
They're the enemy.

I see what you mean.

Jake, I really like you,

but my job's really
important to me, too.

Can we press pause
on this?

Press pause?

Just until I figure out
what to do with my boss.

Is that okay?

So this is just
about your boss?

Okay.
Yes, let's press pause.

Let's pause
the hell out of this.

Let's pause this
like I pause

Jamie Lee Curtis
in Trading Places.

I haven't seen that movie,
but I'm assuming she's naked.

Mm-hmm.

"Pause" seems bad, Jake.

Why aren't you more upset?

Because Sophia's problem
isn't with me,

it's with her dumb boss.

That's something I can fix.

I'm gonna make him
like me.

Here is the target...
Geoffrey Hoytsman.

Now, according
to the internet,

his interests are:
skiing, his terrier,

Atlantic City, the film
12 Years a Slave, and nature.

Obviously nature
is super boring,

and the slave film
is a little bit dicey.

It's real dicey.
Yeah.

So I will focus mainly on
skiing and Atlantic city

when I talk to him tonight
at the fundraiser

for The Association
of Brooklyn Public Defenders,

A.K.A.
The Chamber of Asses.

No, wait.
That's too sexy.

The Chamber of Snakes.

Anyway, it starts at 8:00,

so you should probably
get dressed.

What?
I am not going to that.

Please, Sarge.
Just come.

Do it for me.
Do it for love.

Damn, Jake.
You know Terry loves love.

I'm in.
All right!

Now put on
your phoniest smile

'cause we're going into
the belly of the beast.

Phonier.

Phonier!

Ah, there it is.
Into the beast!

♪ I go to work ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I go to work ♪

All of our worst enemies
are here.

Brown hair guy.
Pony tail lady.

Asian Don Cheadle.

I refuse to learn
their names

because it
humanizes them.

But you'll never forget
their smug lawyer faces.

Each one brings back
a specific, horrible memory.

Like courtroom PTSD.

Incompetent!

Idiot!

Mint?

I could have choked
on that mint

Even the nice ones
are psychopaths.

All right.
Let's get fired up.

Pound on my shoulders.
That's my stuff.

Wait! Wait!
No, don't hurt me!

Ah, that was a bad idea.
I'll bang my own sulders.

Let's go.

Detective, have a seat.

I am grappling with
a highly vexing conundrum.

What to do about
Deputy Chief Wuntch?

Precisely.

I could torpedo
her promotion.

Just saying it
brims my soul with joy.

But to do so

would mean would mean that
she stays here in New York City

hanging over me like
an albino bat.

On the other hand,
if I "praise" Wuntch,

she will leave this city,
the clouds will part,

and the children will sing
"Wuntch is gone."

What children?

All the children.
Right. That was a stupid question.

What was
Sarge's advice?

Oh, you and I both know what
Mother Jeffords would say.

"Take the high road."
But I asked you,

Detective Diaz, because you
understand vengeance.

Yes, I do.

I had a nemesis once:

Carla Bianchi.
Mm.

She wronged me,

and I crushed her
like a gnat

between my fingers.

I got her suspended
from the second grade.

Second grade?
That little turd hoarded all the good markers.

But eventually,
she came back to school.

And she made
the next ten years

of my life miserable.

It's not worth it.

Be nice to Wuntch.

"Be nice to Wuntch?"

You may go now,

Mother Diaz.

I hate this.
Everyone is looking at us.

Only because we're equally
massive, beautiful men in tuxes.

Yeah.
Sophia.

Heeeeeeey,
girlfriend.

That came out saucier
than I was expecting.

Yeah. Hey, Jake,
What are you doing here?

I thought we agreed
to press pause.

We did.
I'm not here to see you.

I'm here to see your boss,
Geoffrey Hoytsman.

We're gonna bond.
Oh, God.

Oh, good indeed.
You misheard me on purpose.

Possibly.
Look, I'm gonna charm him.

He's going to start giving you
the good cases again.

This is gonna work.
No, it's not.

How can I explain this?
Oh, Okay.

Imagine this room is full
of super-intelligent robots...

Oh.
Hell-bent on ending humanity,

and you are
a working-class human

who just entered
their swarm-hive.

Okay, love this,
love you, keep going.

Oh, that's a really
weird moment

to say you love me
for the first time.

Oh no.
Was it?

I'm just gonna blow past that.
Yeah.

Look, the point is,
you can't charm robots.

So you should go before they
pod you and harvest your brain.

Look, I've done my research
on Hoytsman:

Skiing, nature, Atlantic City,
I'm ready for him.

Sophia.
Sergeant Jeffords.

Detective Peralta.

Please, my friends call me
Jakey Snowpants,

because I'm skiing so much.

Carving moguls on
a black diamond.

I prefer cross-country
skiing.

It's not a sport if gravity
does the work for you.

Yeah.
Gravity sucks.

Not the movie, the theory.
Anyway, I've been spending

most of my weekends
in Atlantic City these days.

Oh, that place is a dump.
No.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to steal Sophia away.

You can't charm
the robots.

What in the frig
was that?

He's always
in Atlantic City.

Why would he go someplace
he hates so much?

Unless there was something
there he loves.

I bet he loves gambling.

Just like I'm here
in this dump

because of Sophia,
who I now love.

You're really going hard
on this love thing.

Well, I said it out loud.
It's on the record.

I can't take it back
Just get on board, Terry.

Hello, Gina.
Ah!

What are
you creeps doing?

You made me look
away from my phone.

You better pray
I didn't miss a text.

In your two seconds
you looked away?

17 texts.
All of them important.

Amy suggested
we negotiate terms,

so if you agree
to give my dad his blessing,

here's what I'll do
for you.

"You will never see me
in my pajamas on a family trip.

"We will never share
a bunk bed.

"And I won't force you
to participate

in our annual themed
Christmas cards."

This year my dad was Mary
and I was the baby Jesus.

Yeah, I know.
Got one. Lived the nightmare.

Well, the list goes on.
I signed it.

Amy notarized it.
I'm a notary.

No big deal.
I met the comptroller.

Okay, you know what?

This isn't about out lives
getting intertwined, okay?

I'm actually worried
about my mom

'cause she's been
hurt before.

This is all moving
way too fast.

Wow.
Gina.

That's really sweet.

And the only reason
I didn't tell you guys

is 'cause I don't
value you as people,

so it's, like,
why be honest?

Yeah, you just went back
and ruined what you said.

Right.
Mm-hmm.

Look, I know I'm
a stage five player,

just mowing down chicks
left and right,

but my dad's not like that.

He would never hurt
your mom.

Just talk to him,
you'll see.

Fine.
I'll talk to him.

Just to ask him
some questions.

But go get him
before I change my mind.

Okay.
Okay.

Oh.
I already changed my mind.

Aww.
All right, I'm back.

Oh.
Oh. I'm back.

After that, the judge just
threw it out on the spot.

That judge has
a deep voice, right?

I'm gonna go, uh,
check out the food.

Hey.

Bet you five buck
you can't guess

three of the hors d'oeuvres
they're serving.

I'll take that action.

Chicken satay,

tuna tartare,

shot glasses
of gazpacho.

Satay, tartare...

no 'szpach.

Where the 'szpach,
Hoytsman?

Yes!
'Szpach!

No!
Well played.

Unless you want
to go double or nothing.

I'm listening.

Oh, nothing but glass!

I'll bet you can't tell
how tall the Sarge is.

In eggrolls.

24.
Exactly 25 eggrolls tall.

Celebration eggroll.

Hey, man,
that was on the floor.

You're on the floor.

60 bucks says you can't
remove one glass

without knocking
the whole thing over.

You didn't say
I couldn't grab the top one.

Yes!

100 bucks says I can jump
from the roof and survive.

Oh, I don't think
you can...

Just messing with you, Peralta.

I gotta hit the head.
Oh, then we'll bet on

who can shove more shrimp
in his mouth.

You're on.
I got a big mouth though.

You're in trouble.

I thought you
were leaving.

Were you just talking
to Hoytsman?

Talking. Bonding.
Betting.

Oh, I should bet him that I can
pee for longer than he can.

Ugh.
The trick is to pinch it.

All right.
I'll be right back.

Oh.
Gotta fill up the tank.

Ah!
Hello Geoffrey.

Hello.

And that's cocaine.

This night is making me
incredibly anxious.

Oh hey,
Stay close.

Someone messed with
the champagne tower.

You're all I've got.

Jake is stupid,
but he's smart.

I think his plan
is actually working.

Oh God.
Hey, so,

No big deal,
but I arrested your boss,

and I never should have
come here.

Well I read that
wrong.

Oh, this is insane.
This is so insane.

I wasn't doing anything.

He was snorting cocaine
in the bathroom.

Okay, for the last time,
that is not what happened.

And that's cocaine.

Are you sure?

Five dollars
says you're wrong.

Let me get in there.
Take a good look and smell.

No, don't.

Okay.
It was cocaine.

Turns out I was accidentally
doing some cocaine.

Not on accident.

You put it in your nose
on purpose.

I don't even think
I have a nose, Peralta.

I certainly cannot
feel it.

The defense rests!

Shh.
Keep your voices down.

What is going on here?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

Sophia's cop boyfriend
is arresting me

in front of my friends
and colleagues.

Hey, everyone.
I'm Jake.

So who here saw
12 Years A Slave?

Best picture.

Well, Diaz,

the deed is done.

You torpedoed
her promotion?

Sadly, no.

I gave that goblin
a good recommendation.

Your story about the marketer
really hit me.

I began to realize
that if even you thought

I should take the high road,
that was probably

the right choice.

I'm sorry you didn't
get your vengeance.

Mother Holt.
Good one.

But I am still planning
to get some retribution.

I got her
a parting gift.

Tickets to Wicked?

In Boston.

She's moving to
a second-class city,

and I wanted
to rub her nose in it.

Enjoy the understudies,
Madeline.

Have fun watching
some chubby Chenoweth knock-off

warble her way
through Popular.

Hello, Lynn.

Hi, Regina.

Don't play games
with me, boy.

This is a bad idea.

No, it's okay.
Dad's got this.

He's a real
sweet talker.

Let's cut the crap.

Okay.
What are your intentions with my mother?

To make love to her
every morning until we die.

So it's just physical?

What are you nuts?

I'm a divorced,
retired florist

with a terrible
gluten allergy.

Your mom is a beautiful,
brilliant travel agent.

She talks to people
on the phone

who've seen
the whole world.

I'll never meet anyone
half as good as her.

She's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

You mean other
than Charles?

No.

She's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

That's okay, Pop.

You did what you had
to do.

I love her.

All I want is to make
her happy forever.

Fine.
I give you my blessing.

But if you hurt my mom
in any way,

so help me God,
I will cut off

your son's testicles.

Snip, snip, snip.
And I'm not playing.

Deal.

Way to go, Dad!

You bagged a babe.

The Boyle boys
are planning a wedding!

Boyle boys!
Boyle boys!

Both: Boyle boys!
Boyle boys!

Both:

You screwed this up,
buddy.

You thinks she's gonna
still love you after this?

She'll see who
you are now.

Hey, you don't know anything
about me and Sophia.

What?
I'm talking to myself

about my wife.

She is not gonna
like this.

Who cares about you
and your gross life?

Jake, heads up.

Oh, hey, Sophia.
Thank God you're here.

I was just gonna find you
so we could talk.

Jake, I'm not here
to talk to you.

I'm here
as Geoffrey's attorney.

Oh, I can do it myself.
Watch this.

Objection, objection, objection,
objection, objection!

Five!
Five objections.

Maybe this "cocaine"
isn't so bad after all.

Okay.
Geoffrey, I'm gonna have to

advise you to stop
talking/confessing

in front
of the detectives.

Okay, look,
I know that you're mad,

but I talked to the D.A. and
he agreed to drop the charges.

Geoffrey just had to do a little
bit of community service,

and nothing will even go
on his record.

Not good enough.
You have no evidence.

Sophia, there's cocaine
on his collar right now.

Oh, not anymore.

Whoo!

You're really not
reading the vibe right at all.

Tell you what,
that's the cocaine.

I'm usually very tuned in.

Shh.
I had to arrest him.

I had no choice.
Really?

'Cause I could think
of 50 other ways

you could've handled
this scenario.

Oh my God,
you are such a lawyer.

You are such a cop.

I tell you I need some space
to figure things out

and you come kicking
down the door

with the first plan
that pops into your head.

How is it my fault
that your jerk boss

put his jerk nose
into a pile of jerk cocaine?

You followed him
into a bathroom

at a party you weren't even
invited to.

Hey, you know what?
We're done.

All right, fine.
I'll talk to the D.A.

I'll see if I can cut
the community service in half,

how's that?
No, Jake. Not with the case.

You and I are done.

Jake, what are
you doing?

I wanted to stop you.

Grand gesture.
I took the stairs.

A little winded there, buddy?
Yeah.

Romance is hard!

Can you just talk for,
like, 20 minutes

while I catch my breath?

I don't have anything
to say.

Oh come on.

This is just a stupid fight
about nothing.

I'm not gonna let us
break up over this.

Jake, our jobs
are incompatible.

Our lives
are incompatible.

Look, we'll just never
talk about work,

or interact with
each other's friends,

or acknowledge each other
in public,

and I know this sounds like
I'm describing enemies,

but we can
make this work.

We're Romeo and Juliet.

It didn't work
for Romeo and Juliet.

That play ends in a tragic
double suicide.

That's how it ends?

Why do people
like it so much?

All right, look.
Jake, you're fun, okay?

And we've only been dating
for three months.

It's just not that serious.

Well, it's kinda
serious to me.

I've accidentally said,
"I love you," like,

four times already.

I know.
I-

I just don't think
I accidentally love you back.

Look, it's just... it's just
so much work.

That's work I'm willing
to do.

I'm not.

I'm sorry.

Double suicide?

Hello, Madeline.

Raymond.
I was just about to call you.

I wanted to thank you
for your kind recommendation.

And I wanted
to give you this.

Wicked.

Starring Beth Danube.

Well played, Raymond.

Sadly, I won't be able
to use them.

Since I'm not going to Boston.
What?

I was only interested
in the Boston offer as leverage.

I used it to get
a promotion from the NYPD.

I have never had more power
over you

than I do at this
very moment.

I wanted to give you these
as a thank you.

You're joking.

I'm gonna call
the commissioner.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I know you never
would have recommended me

for that Boston post
if deep down

you didn't think
I deserved the job.

What the...

A thank you round
of drinks

and a toast to Amy.
Oh.

Your conflict
resolution skills

has made my childhood dreams
come true.

I'm gonna be
a ring bearer.

You don't think your dad
will make you best man?

Oh, I just assumed
he'd ask Jake.

Mm. Move over, please.
I do have a wedding to plan.

'Cause if this thing
is happening,

it's not going to be
a Boyle brothers event.

For starters,
all the bridesmaids

are gonna be dressed
like Roseanne

from the television show,
Roseanne.

Oh, I like that show.

A certified shaman
will conduct the ceremony,

and the ring bearer
will be an actual wolf.

Oh man, I could do it,
but I wouldn't be as majestic

on all fours.

This wedding sounds weird.
I'm into it.

To Lynn and Darlene Boyle.

All: Cheers.

Yuck.

My lady left me.

My lady stayed.

Come on, sir.

Focus on the good.

You can hold your head up:

you took the high road
with Wuntch.

Not entirely.

When I was alone in her office,
I changed her auto-correct.

Now when she types "Wuntch,"
it gets replaced with "Butt."

Ah, I should not have gone
to that party.

I shouldn't have gone
to that bathroom.

I should not have
arrested her boss.

I don't see it that way.

You did everything right.
You were a good cop.

Good lonely cop.

Hey, man, you put yourself
out there.

You weren't breezy.

You like Sophia,
you fought for her.

You should be proud.

No, you should be
changing her auto-correct.

What's her last name?

Perez.
No.

It's "Butt" now.

Sophia Butt.

That's feels good,
doesn't it?

Not really.

Okay.

Then let's get soused.

Ah, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, okay.

Mine.
Mine.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu