All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E02

Okay, great.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks, doctor.

Have a good one.

Hey there, sarge.

Not to pry but I couldn't
help but overhear...

You're going to the doctor?
Everything okay?

I'm getting
a vasectomy.

My ears are burning.
Did someone say "vasectomy?"

I got snipped.
No big deal.

Just numbs you out
from trunk to skunk

for a year.

It's not supposed to.

"Trunk to skunk"?

Hold it up.

You're gonna let
some quack doctor

just knife around down there?

You are blessed
with a great power.

And you should never
snip its wings.

You should let it soar.

Thanks guys, that's enough.
I don't need anymore input.

Neither does your wife,
I guess.

Look, you guys,

if the sergeant wants
to chop off his penis,

that is his choice.

That's not what
a vasectomy is.

If you guys
don't get back to work,

I'm gonna start
firing detectives.

And blanks!

Sorry.
I just never think of jokes.

Anybody else?
This is your last chance.

Oh, God.
No need to be so testes.

Guess you won't be
manning the "tip line."

Sergeant, is this gonna go
on your "sperm-anent record"?

"Scrotal recall"!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

Hey sarge,
great news.

I just got assigned
such a dope stabbing.

Sorry, the stabbing part
is bad.

Here's the dope part,
the guy survived

and he owns
a chocolate milk restaurant.

Seriously?
I know, right?

Finally, a dumb
Brooklyn hipster trend

my mouth
and I can get behind.

Wanna hop
on the case with me?

We're a killer team.

Jeffords and Peralta.

Jake and Terry.

Chocolate and milk.

I mean,
I'm the chocolate

and you're the milk 'cause
you're so full of protein!

Don't be mad!
Just do the case!

Okay, but I have
my vasectomy today.

So I need to be back
in a few hours

to catch my ride
to the doctor's.

My neighbor's driving me

because my wife's out of town
with the girls.

Why don't I drive you?

I don't know.

I guess I didn't really think
of you as that kind of friend.

Sarge, I'm every kind
of friend.

I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler,
I'm Rachel, I'm...

Who's the dinosaur guy?

Ross, bro!
Ross!

Sorry, I forgot you were
such a ross-head.

So look, we'll work
this thing together

and afterwards,
I will be your friend chariot

to the penis-removal
of the century.

The new NYPD commissioner
is planning

a complete reorganization
of the force.

But first, he'll be sending
a Deputy Chief

to every precinct to conduct
a top to bottom evaluation.

What? When?
Are we gonna be graded?

Or is this just some
pass/fail garbage?

Scale of one-to-five.

That's how many
letter grades there are.

Feels like they're just
being weird using numbers

instead of letters.

Yeah, they're being
weird right now.

Boyle.
Diaz.

I want the evidence room
organized beyond reproach.

Santiago, when I greet
the Deputy Chief,

I want you there by my side
to make a good impression.

No offense,
but you are something

of a teacher's pet.

None taken!
People love their pets.

Good news is
our evaluation will be done

by Deputy Chief Brandt.

We have a good rapport.
He was once my captain.

So he's kind of like
our grand-captain.

That is amazingly funny.

Well, I was closing up
around 11:00.

I heard the door open.

I just figured it was
some "milkers."

That's what we call
our regulars.

Do ya?

Anyway, next thing I know,
the guy stabs me in the back

like... like right here!

Like some kind
of psycho wuss!

Can you think of anyone
who might wanna harm you?

Yeah.

I mean, you don't get
into this line of business

to make friends.

Really? I would think
making chocolate milk

is a great way
to make friends.

I don't have proof,
but the guy who did this

to me is my business partner,
Gregory Phillips.

He's still pissed at me
because I banned him

from my 'straunt.

He was supposed to be
my silent partner,

but he wasn't silent.

He was trying
to control everything.

Here, try this.

All right, here we go.
Finally!

All right.

Oh! Ugh!
It's so bitter!

What's wrong with
this chocolate milk?

Dark milk isn't
chocolate milk.

This is teat-to-mouth
raw cow's milk.

The bitterness
of the chocolate

brings out the sourness
in the milk.

That's the worst part
of both of those things!

Uh, time for my appointment,
Jake.

Yup, got it.

All right, we'll look into this
and get back to you.

Okay, sarge.

Hate to be "that kind
of a friend,"

but let's go
chop off that penis.

Where were you?
This is chaos.

Gina's been filing evidence
by "perp hotness."

I'm so sorry,
I just got some bad news.

My sister was gonna go with me
to an engagement party

but she had to cancel.

So go alone.
Maybe you'll meet some new bag.

It's my ex-wife Eleanor's
engagement party.

I can't go alone.

I'm worried it might seem
a little pathetic.

Yeah, if only you could've
gone with your sister.

Dude, why are you going

to your ex-wife's
engagement party at all?

She and her fiance, Hercules,
are also my landlords.

I mean, it's not like
I can avoid them.

I live in their basement.

Hey!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
No.

You could go with me.
Can't.

I have a date tomorrow night.
Okay.

I will figure something out.

I know!

Maybe if I pay my neighbor,
Joann,

she'll ditch her wife
for the night!

Captain, I don't know
if this is too much

but I got Deputy Chief Brandt
this little basket of pears.

They look ripe and crispy.

Hello, Raymond.

Captain Wuntch.
Good to see you.

But if you're here,

who's guarding Hades?

It's Deputy Chief Wuntch now.

Unsurprisingly,
I've been promoted above you.

And now I'm here
to evaluate you.

What happened to Brandt?

He retired and moved
to Charleston

to be closer
to his grandchildren.

So much for dying at your desk
with a little dignity.

Interesting.

I will attempt to
cooperate with you.

Under these
new circumstances.

Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.

I gave it my best shot.
Let's begin.

Hey, hey!

How'd it go?

Is his voice
all high-pitched now?

What?
No, of course not.

Of course not.

Jake!

The doctors made me
into a superhero!

I am so strong!

And they made me black!

He's on a lot of medication.

We weren't able
to do the procedure.

Your friend is so large...

That you needed a bigger saw
to get through his dingus?

No, his body is
so physically massive

that we didn't have
enough anesthesia on hand.

He needs a much
larger dose.

Psst... psst...
Jake.

Sometimes I can't tell
my twin baby girls apart,

so I call them both
"boo-boo."

Wow.
So he has no filter whatsoever?

None.

I'm gonna take ya home now,
sarge.

Hey, what do you think
of captain Holt?

He needs to smoke some weed.

Yes!

Thank you, Dr. Penis-off!

Okay, in ya go.
You're okay.

Whoo! Cool!

Dude, your head
is so small!

Like a...

No, no,
it's so small!

All right.

Where do you keep
your brains?

Good.

All right, got your PJS on,
read you a story,

checked under the bed
for monsters.

Check again!

And now it's sleepy-time,
so here we go...

Wait, wait, wait...

You gotta promise me
you won't let them

give me the operation.

I wanna have more kids.
I don't want the vasectomy.

Promise me, tiny head!
Promise me!

All right, I promise!
I promise.

Good!

Because I'm not done
with my testicles yet.

Okay.

I'm gonna let them sing!

Uh-oh,
walk of shame!

Same clothes as yesterday.

I slept at the sarge's.

It was horrible.

Come... here...
Phone!

All right, let's get going
and interview that suspect.

I have my make-up vasectomy
this afternoon so...

I'm sorry,
your what-what vasectomy?

Last night, you told me
you didn't want that.

Then you fell
on top of me

and changed the shape
of my skeleton forever.

No, I definitely want one.

That was the drugs talking.
I was high as a kite.

Did I do this and call you "tiny head?"
Yes.

Some things are
coming back to me now.

Oh, that's great.

Tiny head.

Jake, I am so scared
that man is about to make

a huge mistake,
His vas deferens.

I know, he made me promise
to not let him get that surgery.

And it wasn't just the drugs.
He doesn't want this.

As his friend,
it's my job to stop him.

Sorry, Terry turned my spine
into a loose stack of pebbles.

And since my arrival,
violent crime has gone down

by 17.3%,
as you can see here.

Two-toned graphs?

You think you can distract me
from the precinct's problems

with a flashy presentation?

Same old Ray Holt.

All sizzle, no steak.

I'm off to do
some spot-checks.

Oh, my God.
She's totally gonna flunk us.

I haven't gotten an "F"

since I failed recess
in second grade.

"Teachers need a break too,
Amy."

We were doomed the minute
she slithered into the precinct.

It's funny.
When we first met,

we had some good times.

Looks like we both want
that stapler.

Seems that way
based on what happened.

So when did it all
go south?

1989. I was up
for a big promotion,

which would've fast-tracked
my career.

Wuntch offered to write
a letter on my behalf

but instead, she torpedoed me
because of something

that happened the night before
she was to turn it in.

Madeline.

Would you care for a drink?

I'd love one.

I'm sure you can tell
I'm quite drunk.

I've had a couple
to build up the nerve.

I think we both know
what I'm about to say.

Raymond...

I don't think
we need to say anything.

I'm gay.

That's what I was
going to tell you.

Well, then.

She sabotaged my career

because I refused
to bed her.

He thinks I stabbed him?
That's crazy.

He said you were furious
at him because he banned you

from the restaurant
and called your business plans

"terrible."

The text reads:

"Your ideas are dumb-dumb
batter in a stupid pancake,

you steaming pile
of human fences."

I assume that was
auto-corrected from "feces."

Look, partners fight.
He's difficult to work with,

but I would never try
and kill him.

Where were you on monday
around 10:00 pm?

Me and my business school
buddies get together

every monday and have
a couple beers.

Also, there's a... uh...
Pilates studio

with a huge window
across the street

so it's a pretty sweet view.

I guess that's not as bad
as stabbing someone?

I left around 10:00,

I took the subway home,
got off at York street,

around my house,
puked on a statue,

went to bed.

Classy.
All right, well,

we've taken up
enough of your time

enjoy the rest of your day
and go back to your life

as "a pile
of human fences."

Okay, let's see if
any of DRK MLK's neighbors

saw the pilates perv
or anyone else

fleeing the scene
of the crime.

Copy that.

We'll do some cop stuff,
have a heart-to-heart

about your vasectomy,
cancel your vasectomy,

grab some drinks,
laugh about the time

you almost got
a vasectomy.

Stop worrying about
my vasectomy, man.

Maybe you should focus
on your own body.

When's the last time
you had a carrot?

Well, it's my least favorite
type of cake, so rarely.

If I absolutely have to,
I'll just eat the frosting.

Hey!
Cut it out, cake boy.

You're making health
insurance more expensive

for everyone else!

Yeah?
Well, you know what else

drives up premiums?

Unwanted genital removal!

Thank you for coming.

I wasn't sure
if you'd get my message.

Charles, it was kind
of hard to miss.

Oh, God!

Hey, I didn't know
what to do.

You said we weren't
allowed to talk at work

now that we're
knocking boots.

Ew, gross.

Listen,
my ex-wife's throwing

an engagement party
this weekend

and I was wondering
if you wanted to go...

As friends.

No, Charles, just because
we have secret, shameful sex

does not mean
we are friends.

Forget friends.
Let's go as "bone bros."

Ugh!

I didn't strike you when
you said "knocking boots,"

but "bone bros"?
I cannot abide.

Have you seen this man
around DRK MLK.

Oh, I don't go there.

They don't allow babies
in there.

What is wrong with them?

All I drank when I was a baby
was chocolate milk.

Well, thank you
for your time.

And thank you,
adorable little baby,

who's probably
giving my partner

some mixed feelings
right about now.

"Don't get the operation,
sarge!

Instead, make a tiny muscular
friend for me to play with!"

That's enough.

I'm with you.
That's enough, baby.

Mind your own business.

I haven't heard of DRK MLK

and I've never seen
this man before.

This is your lead?
Why are we here?

Well, according
to the Internet,

Dr. Mindel is the best
couples counselor

in the Park slope area,

who accepts same day
walk-ins.

Couples counseling?

Sorry for wasting your time.

Wait, please don't leave.

This cost me so much money.

I am so sorry.

He's walking out.

Just like your father did.

Wait a minute,
I didn't tell you about that.

Didn't have to.

You are good!

Sarge, wait up!
Come on, don't be mad!

Look, I'm only trying
to protect you

from your very stupid self.

That is
enough, Jake!

Look, I'm sorry,
okay?

And the things you said
when you were whacked-out

were real.

You made me promise.
And as your friend...

I told you, Jake.

We're not that kind
of friends.

Not what kind of friends?

"Friend" friends.

You and I
are work friends.

Now, if you will
excuse me,

I'm going
to the doctor's office.

Not good enough.

Prepare to be physically
overpowered

by a "friend" friend.

Argh!

Cancel the appointment!
I've got you!

You can't move.

Concede defeat, sir.

You have been conquered.

Spot-checks are done.

Needless to say,
I thoroughly underwhelmed.

Huh.
From your expression,

I would've guessed
constipated or chilly.

Excuse me, captain,
I don't want to say

that I saved the day,
but I will because I did.

So...

The letter of recommendation
she wrote for you 25 years ago.

Where'd you get this?

I just went down
to one police plaza

and applied some
of my signature Amy charm.

And then
when you wouldn't stop,

they just gave it to you?

More or less.

The point is,
the letter's very positive.

You thought she wrote
mean stuff about you

because of the...
Night before.

But she didn't.
It was all a misunderstanding.

Wait a minute...

You thought I cost you that
promotion because you're gay?

That's what you've been mad
about all these years?

It's... one reason.

I don't care that
you rejected my advances.

Your sexual identity
is the one thing

I actually respect
about you.

Then what are you
mad about?

I'm mad because you tried
to get me thrown off the force.

Yeah, because you shot me.

I shot you because you were
in the wrong position.

You weren't
following orders.

What about the time you
destroyed my personnel file

while I was undercover?

What if there
had been a mole?

You were trying
to make me disappear.

You embarrassed me
in front of Derek Jeter!

You embarrassed yourself
in front of Derek Jeter.

Hey, Rosa!

Better file me under "E"
for "edgy."

- What?
- Cornrows!

Why?

My ex-wife and her fiance
go to Jamaica all the time.

The theme of the party is
"Jamaican me marry you."

So good!

So...

I still don't have a date.

Unless this sweet maize-head
has changed your mind.

I think we both know
it hasn't.

We do.

Fair enough.

Why do you look so terrible?

I tried to stop sarge
from getting his tubes tied.

But he somehow managed to
sneak off to the hospital.

Zip that lip!
He's doing it?

He wouldn't listen to me.
He said I was a "work friend."

Ah, that chills me.
And it reminds me of a story.

I had this sweater,
and it was a work sweater

because it only seemed
work apropes,

but then one time,
I wore it out to dinner

and I was like,
"oh, dang!

This sweater is cute
everywhere."

I get it.
I'm the sweater.

No.

And I have to show the sarge
I can be a good friend

to him outside
of work too.

No!

Thank you, Gina.

I'm gonna stop him.

Jake, I have no idea
what you're talking about,

but good luck!

Well, good-bye, Raymond.

Anything you'd like
to say to me

before I complete
my evaluation?

Something in the form
of groveling?

Never.
Fail me if you must.

You're just gonna let her
fail us?

I'm sorry about your
precious grade, Santiago,

but this isn't
about you.

Don't "this isn't
about you" me!

I'm "this isn't
about you"-ing you!

That grade is the only thing
standing between me

and a future where you're
not my captain anymore.

Wuntch failed the nine-oh
and their captain was fired.

I attempted to cajole her
but she rebuffed me.

I'm not a man
of unlimited cajoling.

Well, you better become one
because I need you in command.

This precinct needs you
in command.

Cajole up,
captain.

Sarge, hey!

What the hell
are you doing here, tiny head?

You better not be trying to talk
me out of my surgery again.

Look, I'm not trying to
talk you out of anything.

I'm just here to give you
a ride home

and to prove to you
once and for all

that I'm more than
just a work friend.

Thank you,
microscope head.

Hey, a little bit of
good news!

I figured out the case!

Remember Gregory
said he got off

at the York street station
the night of the stabbing?

Well, I took the subway here

and it's closed for
construction.

Hmm...

So what you're saying is...

I stabbed him.

I did it.

You know what?
We'll talk about it tomorrow.

See you on the other side.

Jake,
you were right!

I don't want the surgery,
tiny head!

NYPD!

Put down the scalpel
and step away

from my work friend's
weiner-tubes!

Looking good, Boyle!

Ugh, that's not
a good sign.

Hey, mon.

Rosa...
You changed your mind!

I blew off my date,
and instead,

I'm going to spend
a hellish evening

in a Jamaican torture
chamber with you.

Really?
Yeah.

Here's what's about
to happen.

We're gonna go
to this terrible party,

I'm gonna laugh
at all your jokes,

gonna talk about your
medal of valor,

and I'm gonna make you look
like a Jamaican God of rhythm.

Sebastian from
the little mermaid.

Also, tomorrow,
I'm gonna help you find

a new apartment.

You can't live in your
ex-wife's basement anymore.

Wow!
Respect, mon.

I'm gonna read you
my toast in the car.

You're giving a toast?

More like
we're giving a toast.

There we go.

Jake, I have to tell you
something.

Oh, boy.

I am a little conflicted
about having a vasectomy.

Really?

Is that why you threw
an EKG machine at the doctor?

I'm sorry I thought of you
as a work friend.

You're here, man.
You're a friend friend.

You made Terry get real
with himself and his genitals.

Your tiny head has
a big heart inside it.

I know that's
scientifically wrong,

but thanks, sarge.

I'm gonna talk to my wife
when she comes home.

You're a huggy good friend.

No! Not again.

Santiago,
we received our grade.

Oh, my God.
Is this good-bye?

There's still so much
I have to say to you.

2.7.
Mediocre.

But enough for
you to stick around.

How did you get her
to change her mind?

I had to compromise
everything I stand for.

You are now,
and always have been,

the superior
police officer.

And?

The Derek Jeter thing
was my fault.

I'm sorry you had
to go through that.

No, you were right.

This is the best job
I've ever had

and it would be foolish
to give it up

over a petty feud.

Here, this is
for you.

It's a grade for your
performance these past few days.

A letter grade, so as
to not be "weird" about it.

Oh, my God.
You really shouldn't have.

An "a."

Thank you.

Just curious,
does your system have pluses

in it, or is, like,
"a" the highest?

How'd the interrogation go?

Gregory confessed
to the stabbing.

Nice work.

I just talked to my wife.

We're waiting on the operation,
everything's cool.

Did you tell her
we slept together twice?

Thanks for taking care of me.
I got you a present.

Do you know what
a present is, Terry?

I care about my friends.

Now eat your carrots, or I'll
rip your tiny head off.

No! No! No!

Come here.

I hate being friends
with you!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu