All language subtitles for The Vow - 01x03 - At Cause

This is the origin of it.

The group started out like what if
women could really do something?

And it grew kind of out of that
over a couple of years.

It became more of a sorority
recently. I think.

That was kind of
when I got involved in it.

And I was super motivated
by fucking Trump election

thinking we have to fucking do
something in the world.

And what if women
could really do something.

And excited about
the underground concept about it.

That like, we couldn't be thwarted
because nobody would know.

The women who were doing it
were experiencing wonderful things

about their commitment.

And they wanted
to memorialize it permanently.

I don't know exactly
who the person was,

but I know that like somebody raised
the concept of branding.

Because what building
a principle of self is,

is you choose self above fear.

THE VOW

Days we were young

We took photographs
Of everything we could see

We had to run from it

Priest and prophetess
We were nothing we would defy

Invisible skin
Where is the world within?

Invincible skin
It's how we all begin

AT CAUSE

I said it's important.
Please call me back.

I can't believe
she went through that.

I wonder what the fuck...
Yeah that's terrible.

- Sarah?
- Hi.

I want to talk
about the thing you texted me.

Yeah. It's just...

Sarah?

Sarah?

- I feel like I might faint.
- Yeah. So I...

I'm hyperventilating.
Maybe a panic attack.

- I don't know. I've never had one.
- You're having a panic attack, Sarah.

You're having a panic attack. Yeah.
I'm so sorry.

Okay. Just keep telling me things

and then I've got to figure out
what I'm going to do here.

This is about having sex
with Keith?

- That's my belief, yeah.
- Oh, Mark.

- I'm kind of shocked right now.
- I understand.

And yet not shocked and yet, not.
You know what I mean? Like...

This shit's been there, right?
You've seen it.

Oh yeah. No.
Right from the beginning.

I'm just a bit pissed with myself
for not

catching certain things.

There are a bunch
of different stages.

And it's profound
when you begin to realize

what you've been doing
and how you made it okay.

I'm done. I'm resigning
from everything. But I'll tell you...

Dude I'm so dependent.
This is my income too.

I understand. And what
you're going to have to do

is you're going to have to smile
and suck it up.

But I'm going to have your back.

Just give it some time to settle in.

Yeah.

So, this is my first year or two
of curriculum.

That's uncomfortable for me
to see it now.

"Success is an internal state
of clear, honest knowledge

of what I am,
my value in the world

and my responsibility for the way
I react to all things.

There are no ultimate victims.

Therefore, I'll not choose
to be a victim."

That is a key foundational piece
for the rest of ESP.

Why are you a victim to it?

Why don't you get in there
and change it.

Being an aspiring actress
and living in a basement suite

and not feeling
super confident

I'd get a job
and I was really happy.

And then I wouldn't get work
and I'd be really low.

I was dating someone,
and I'd be happy.

And then I'd break up with them
and be really low.

It was always up and down.
I wasn't consistently joyful.

All emotions are triggered
by the recognition of the difference

between the way we want the world
to be and the way the world is.

You will become aware
that you choose

your emotional and behavioral
responses in all situations.

This is what we refer to
as being at cause.

When you're at cause
everything that you feel you cause.

No one else can make you feel
any way. I can change my state.

That is a huge,
beautiful shift to have.

I could feel whatever I want.
Anytime.

It was really interesting
because when I met you,

there was a certain trajectory
you were on.

And she took some of these tools and
she just took this right angle turn

to now having multiple careers
and making a lot of money.

Can I say that? I did.

Not because of me.
Because she really worked very hard.

Not because of me.
So, what is it?

It took a few years to crystallize
from helping me

to this was going to be
my business.

Because I didn't start making money
right away.

The stripe path was just a means.

It was a vehicle for me to grow
in a measurable way.

So, for example,
if you wanted to earn commission,

you have to enroll
on average one person a month

and into minimum of five day.

I heard you're one
of the top sales people.

True story.

I went up the stripe path
very quickly

with my competitive nature.

Everybody rolls out of bed
and wants to be better.

But how many people actually
step out of their comfort zone?

Barbara Bouchey was the best
salesperson in the company.

And people say,
"I can't. I can't find the time.

I'm too busy.
I can't squeeze anything in."

You're exactly the type of person
that needs the program.

You know why? Your life is
obviously controlling you.

She invested in me.
Oversaw my sales. Nurtured them.

It's all marketing. So, are you going
to be part of marketing or not?

She would even fly me to Albany

when I didn't have any money
to get trained with Keith.

Imagine if I found a way
to cure cancer.

I can't run up and down the road
and yell

"I cured cancer, I cured cancer."
And the whole world will rejoice.

I need credibility, right?

You're going to tell someone you're
going to better their life. Right?

Who are you competing against?

Everyone in the universe.
You better be good.

I keep drawing a blank.

That's okay. And I know
I'm giving you unbearable grief.

It's OK.

But if you could do it here,
you can do it in New York.

I know. I should know this.
All right.

Who's ready to have fun?

All right. Okay.

So, in order to have fun, we don't
want anyone to get hurt. Right?

No, not fun enough.

Who here is here
to have fun? Fun?

Come on. Fun?

OK.

You should be trying to turn up
their energy level.

Okay.

When the audience gives you
the signal that they got it,

you move, you move,
you move.

Okay. What is this?

Nine. Okay.

How could I make this into
a representation of the number six

with one line?

What I was sold on
and what I sold other people

was that they could be the best,
ideal version of themselves.

How many times are we limited?
We're not seeing the curvy line

because we think it must be,
should be, is,

believe it to be straight.

Throw the curtain away from the
little guy in the wizard of Oz. Right?

We were taught
that this is manipulative,

but it's a good manipulation.

You first have to establish for them
how valuable their dream is.

I need to first solicit what you need
to even say this is how much it cost.

That's what this is about.

How much is it worth to know
the little guy in your life?

How much do drop-ins cost?

What's the price of what we offer?

Let's say 20 bucks a week.

Now, if you were able to take as many
of those two-hour classes a week...

Like, unlimited classes.

How much would you pay to be able
to take as many as you want?

But what's the price
of not having it?

And what I believe
from what you told me, Mr. Jones,

is that not only do you have dreams,
but you're the sort of person,

it sounds like you have a real
passion towards your dreams

and that your dreams
are important to you.

I can't imagine that you would sell
them for $10 a day. Sell them away.

It's not a question of, if we can be
a hundred-million-dollar business,

it's a question of the how
and how long do you want to take

and how do you want to take it?
How do you want to do it? Not if.

I was excited
about making an actual living.

I mean, up until this point,

I was bringing in thousands
of dollars to the company.

This is my orange sash.
I'm very proud of it.

But I'll just tell you
that my first five day,

when they brought out the sashes
I was like, "What is this?"

I called Mark and I'm like "What
have you gotten me involved with?"

Seriously Mark, if you step down,
I'm nervous

because I have so much invested.

I know.

Don't worry about that today.

Honestly, I'm not saying this make
you feel guilty, but I trusted you.

I know.

Because your connection
with Keith, you know? And I...

- I'm not blaming you. Not at all.
- No, Sarah, I have fucked up epicly.

So, who is having sex with Keith?

- I don't have all the details.
- Okay.

But like as one of his
apparently top salespeople

is that why I can't get time
with him?

Cause I'm not going
to have sex with him?

Like never asked me.

Those are good questions.

I don't know like all the stuff that
you're saying makes total sense

but my personal relationships

with certain people like Lauren
are so close.

And, suddenly you don't know
what's true and not true.

Like, that's the part
that's hard for me.

It's like I trust you
and I then I also trust them.

Like, I don't know
how to reconcile that.

Whatever you do,
record everything.

This is Nancy and her daughters,
Lauren and Michelle.

There's a Jewish term.
Mishpocheh means family.

And when you meet someone,
it's like Mishpocheh.

So, hi!

Is everybody staying for stimulus
response or we're doing two?

I think I met Lauren in Albany.

She was the head of education.

And I loved having her teach because
she'd do it in a very cool way.

You're leaving?
Okay. Come kiss me.

By the time I'd met her, Nancy
had talked her up to me fair bit.

You know, how much I'd love her?
We're both interested in theater.

I think we have a couple of...

NXIVM's top 10,
most sexy men in our cast.

She was just over a year
older than me.

My mom and her mom are
both therapists. We were so similar.

- Do you want to be successful, Lauren?
- Yeah.

It's worth a lot to you, isn't it?
A very lot.

When I came to Albany,

we'd go, get our nails done
before intensives, we'd shop.

I wanted to make sure
the Canadians could be on with us.

It's equivalent of my therapist
and superior.

And best friend.
It's a very bizarre combination.

And that's who I EM'd with.
That's who I trusted the most.

EXPLORATION OF MEANINGS

Most EM's lead back to a memory

and it's looking at the belief system
that causes reactions.

All the facilitator has to do is
fill in missing information of logic

that you didn't have
when you were a kid.

Camera is going to focus on this screen
and I'm going to turn this mic on.

Today what we're going to do
is learn how to explore meaning,

but before we can learn
how to explore meaning

we have to have a good understanding
of the surface structure

versus the deep structure.

Like, this cup, definition of a cup

is you can use it to carry,
contain, to hold things.

Meaning of it may be this is my
favorite cup. It's a very special cup.

It's my, I don't feel okay
if I don't have the cup.

You're interacting with things, not
as they are, but as you imbue them.

I used EM
with a number of other people,

which I didn't find
nearly as efficient as Lauren.

And Lauren was I think
375 US for an EM.

Like three times
what everyone else charges.

Why is it important
that you get approval from others?

But Lauren was
sort of the queen of it.

You have to understand that
somebody comes to you for an EM

what they say is,
"Can you help me?"

But then when you start
to get close to the issue,

they do everything
to keep you from helping them.

Especially with acting.
It is really hard on the self-esteem.

If you get a part,
you don't know why.

If you don't get a part,
you don't know why.

And when you feel that
you make it mean something

that it doesn't mean,
you need to EM that.

And that's why I became
such a good enroller

because I'd used the tools
and get an EM and then I'd be like,

"Okay, well some people are going
to reject me and that's okay.

They're not rejecting me.
They're rejecting the tools. I'm fine."

So, I became very bulletproof
in that way.

That's why you get an EM with
somebody else and not with yourself

because you trust them enough
to take you through a process

where you're going
to confront that fear

and come out with more information
and not have it at the end.

But if it were up to you,
you'd never face it.

Okay. So, one person
decided to leave,

and they went and told Mark and
I think Bonnie, a bunch of shit.

I don't know what she told them.

I know they know about brands.

Okay.

But Bonnie left, and Mark wanted
to leave before any of this came out.

And there was a lot of stuff
that we've had to clean up

because Mark, he wouldn't talk to us
and didn't tell us it was coming.

I think this has now become
the thing that they're talk about.

And they're saying defamatory things
that will destroy business.

You know, the only reason I did is
because I trust you and I love you,

but I'm taking
a step back, going,

"What did I get into here?"

I trusted somebody as well
and I got the brand.

It's a little out there stuff, but
there's reasonable explanations for it.

If there was anything that I thought
was bad, Sarah, I would leave.

What if it was, Lauren,
and you're not in the loop of that?

I'm sad that we haven't spoken
about it like this before this.

Lauren, can't even bring it up
without you telling me to get an EM.

You're my best friend. I'm just
scared of what I have on the line.

Smile for the camera.

I met Nippy in,
what was that, 2006?

I was like,
"Who is this guy?"

I mean, he was super cute,
but I was like, "What's his deal".

I originally got involved in the course
about eight years ago, nine years ago.

I was having
a hard time in auditions.

Action.

Who you supposed to be?

A friend of mine said he would
help me with whatever was going on.

I came and took it and I was fluent
in two emotions, anger and sarcasm,

which is why I was having
those problems.

And both of us drove
each other crazy, respectively.

And rolling.

And then we went
to V-Week together.

V-Week is like the best adult summer
camp you've ever experienced.

V-Week is the trailer
of Vanguard's dream.

It was at the YMCA resort
in Adirondacks.

You just descend upon
the whole camp and take over.

You spent the whole week together,

dancing together, or singing.

We're talking about these
deep concepts and philosophy.

You say it better than I do,
of course.

With civilization, people working
together based on principle

to improve
the nature of existence itself.

You know, support the mission,
build community.

This was a mistake!

Celebrate Keith,
celebrate his birthday.

All of it is in tribute to Vanguard

to offer you for your birthday.

So happy birthday.

One time everyone else was
hunkering down to practice their EMs.

I kinda escaped to the beach

and Nippy and I we're trying to
reenact that scene from Dirty Dancing

where she jumps,
and he catches her like this.

We were doing that over
and over again in the water.

That's when the history began,
when the magic started.

Oh my God.

Nancy was there and Lauren was
my maid of honor and my officiant.

Probably half of the people
were from ESP.

Together, you represent
a special and integral balance

of ethics and humanity,
empathy and discipline,

character and compassion.

Mark and Bonnie had gotten married
a couple of years prior

and Keith wrote their vows and I got
permission we could use them for ours.

I vow that there will be no trial
of life, pretest of circumstance,

through which
I will surrender this love

to the convenience
of anger or fear.

This I promise you
to my last breath.

I choose you, Nippy,
to be my husband.

We had Allison Mack singing.

I felt like I was finding it all.

Meaning, family.

Belonging, community.

I remember saying to them,
"I want to bring this to Vancouver."

And I even told Nancy
that when I met her

and she was like, "A lot of people
say that, so we'll see."

She dared me. I took the dare.
Double dog dare.

- Ready, ready?
- Oh my God! Yeah.

Here we go!

And then we opened
an actual center

and that was a very self-defining
and beautiful moment

because there was
a group of us from Vancouver

that were like,
very dedicated young ESPians,

a lot of the young people who were
in film and television industry,

a lot of actors.

Oh shit, it's video.

Hi, Nicki.

Cut and action. Start again.

I feel like the biggest limitation
is that we judge ourselves.

We're all in the same boat,
struggling with our self-esteem

and body issues
and meaning and purpose.

I'm Kristin as you know,
I'm excited to work with you guys

and I don't know
what else to say.

Say hi to Sarah.

Hi, Sarah.

How are we contributing, as
a society, to the myth of celebrity?

Because a lot of things, people
seem to be rather caught up in it.

Allie Mack.

When we first started,
she was living the life in Vancouver.

She was VIP as they called her.

Come on up.

I'm Allison, like I said earlier
and I'm in film and an actress.

It wasn't until I came
to this organization

that I started to discover that I was
so much more than just an actress.

Before we had the center,

we were all going to Tacoma
every weekend

and flying to Albany
and it's quite far.

How it feels having a center?

I think the most extraordinary thing
is people feel they have a home now.

We were like nomads.

We have worked really hard
for this moment, for this day

and I don't think that...

I don't think that I would be
who I am without Mark in my life.

I know that for sure.

I'd like to say something
about Proctor Edmondson.

Sarah is such a shining
example of somebody

who has a vision in her mind

and will pursue it,
relentlessly, relentlessly.

I can tell you that I would want to be
in the trenches with her

in every single endeavor.

So...
I'm getting pretty choked up.

Extraordinary, extraordinary
human being

and somebody
who I respect deeply.

Thank you.

This is it!

Here's Sarah.
One of our center owners.

- How's it feel?
- I am so excited.

Vancouver!

There's people signing applications
in my office, it's a dream come true.

- How many did you enroll?
- Directly and indirectly, over 2000.

People made jokes
and they'd be like,

"Oh, you could do your cult thing.
Or how's your cult?"

One more time?
Okay, ready go.

I would joke,
"Well, if this a cult,

as in a group of people that have
a similar mindset or beliefs,

it's a cult of happy,
successful people.

So, what's the problem?"

Like egg yolks.

His tail is over here.

Is that his tail?

Lauren, I made her godmother because
she didn't have kids of her own

and we wanted Troy to grow up
in the ESP community.

Can you see him?

We helped each other and...

That's so sweet.
Oh look, he's running away.

And I felt like
I could tell her anything.

All right, we're going to go.

How am I going to do this
in terms of Nippy?

And like what if he wants me to get
it removed? Can I get it removed?

It's a scar so I don't know.
I mean, we can heal it, it fades.

But also, Sarah, like I don't think
that it was bad for you

to decide to do this and bad for you
to have something of your own

or against Nippy in any way.
It's not about him.

It was for you
with your girlfriends.

A lot of your self-esteem was
and has been wrapped up with him.

Why don't you go take Troy and do
what you need to do. But I'm here.

Anything I can do to support you
and feel not fearful.

They gave me my green sash
just after I'd given birth to Troy.

Troy was three months old.

You're supposed to get promoted
every six months,

but for two and a half years,
I didn't get another stripe.

And we were getting pressure
from all sides to move to Albany.

I mean, we have the best culture here.
We're the most advanced society here.

This is like the Rome
of the modern world, Albany.

Clifton Park, in particular.

I never wanted to move there.

But at the same time,
I didn't want to stagnate.

And Nippy had never
really settled into Vancouver

and he wasn't
particularly happy there.

He would say, "Well, I'm head of SOP.
Keith wants me there."

SOP is the Society of Protectors,
which was a workshop for the men.

About commitment and honor,
and how to be a leader.

Masculinity is a tool. This is not
to say all masculinity is great.

We abuse our power.
We trample on women.

We even trample on each other.
We need a group.

We need hundreds of thousands,
millions of men

as a voice of honor
so that we can do more in the world.

So, we don't have a President of the
United States presidential election,

like the last one.

So, we don't have media
like we have.

So, we don't have politicians
and things like that like we have.

Are those people bad? No,
but they've been trained badly.

With Nippy, SOP spoke to his values,
very specifically.

The principles
that we're upholding over,

I mean, where else in the world
is this going on?

You're joining my team.

COUPLES THERAPY
WITH NANCY

I recognize I'm not getting what I
want. I cut to anger pretty quickly.

- So, you're an alpha?
- Yeah. This is...

"I have to be in charge."

- We're two alphas. Don't you think?
- Yeah.

And I don't feel like we're
working towards the same thing.

Like, I think we have
the same values.

But, like I think partly because
of this whole like Vancouver,

New York, where to live thing, it's
like there's always a power struggle.

Like, even planning the day.

Maybe one of things
that you don't like about Vancouver

on an unconscious level
it's her thing.

In a certain way in Vancouver,
you're not the guy, she is.

But I want you to be the guy.

I don't think it's necessarily
because it's her thing.

I feel like I don't know people.
I don't feel resourceful there.

Honestly, so much of the time,

I feel like I'm just, like,
in the way of you,

and I'm trying to feel good with you,
and then I feel needy.

And...

Then DOS came around.

DOMINUS
OBSEQUIOUS SORORIUM

DOMINANT
OVER SUBMISSIVE

Lauren came to Vancouver
to do a five day.

She said, "I want to tell you
about something."

She said it was incredibly cool.
It was incredibly helpful in her life.

"This is going to help you
in your relationship.

This is why you're stuck
in the stripe path.

This is exactly what you need.
This is what you need to be strong."

She couldn't tell me anything else
until I gave her collateral.

And she's like, "It should be
something you feel nauseated about."

I'm like, "Like what?"

She's like, "Oh, I don't know, like a
confession about something bad you did

something that I'll hold forever
to make sure

that you never break
your vow of secrecy."

And I felt weird about it.

But Lauren,
as the head of education,

Nancy's daughter, my best friend,
all these things in my life,

she's telling me
that there's something

that's helped her more
than anything else.

I'm definitely intrigued.

And "collateral" was a term that was
used. It's part of the vernacular.

COLLATERAL

Commitment has to be collateralized.

I don't say, "Oh, yeah, you know
I give you my word on that."

No, if I give you my word, it's
collateralized by my whole self-image.

The more you collateralize your word,
the stronger your word becomes.

Your word is your bond.
No excuses.

I'm like, "I don't have secrets.
I don't have like a dark sorted past."

She goes, "Just make it up."

She videotaped me.

I knew I was being filmed, but we were
pretending that I didn't know that.

I shit talked my husband, my mom,
my dad and my brother

saying things like, "He's a terrible
husband. He beats our son."

Awful things
that have no bases in reality.

She gets real excited.

It became more of a sorority
recently, I think.

And, that was kind of
when I got involved in it.

You know how Freemasons
are out there changing the world,

you don't know who they are, they're
this force for good in the world?

It's the same thing, but for women.

It's like a similar to SOP.

Something happens bad to you.

Don't you want
a bunch of tough people

who could take on the burden,
carry the log, do it with you?

Every time we prove ourselves against
comfort, we're just, we're tougher.

And I was like,
that sounds pretty cool.

And she said the vow of obedience
in a lifetime commitment.

And what made sense
to me already

is that Lauren and I
have already talked about

being old age boobies
in matching velour tracksuits,

going for walks on the seawall
in Florida or whatever.

And teaching trainings, like we're
doing this for the rest of our lives.

So, it's like a heightened level
of a coaching relationship,

which makes sense
that she goes into...

And we call it master slave.

So, what I knew, about this point
is that Lauren had sisters.

She was part of a pod. I knew there
were other sisters under Lauren.

She said, "One day you'll have
slaves and you'll have six slaves.

And then you'll be a Grandmaster."
And I'm like...

Now keep in mind, every step
along the way is totally weird.

Just like sashes are weird,

but then Lauren explains it
and it's like, a little less weird.

As you start
to explore those things

it is a deeper
experience of existence

because it's a whole understanding
of your life and your values

and how you want to do a world.

It's more of a metaphor.
It's an exercise.

I said, "Okay, this is bizarre,
but I'm in."

She said,
"If you're in, you need to give

more collateral
to solidify your agreement."

She's like, "Yeah, let's just do
a nude photo just for me to have.

So, I know you're in."

So, she has the photo,
she sends it off and I'm in.

From that point forward
Lauren was my master.

I had to be accountable to her
all the time.

GOOD MORNING MASTER!

MASTER - MAY I GO TO SLEEP?

GOOD NIGHT MASTER!

I had daily contact with her
a few times a day.

Before this, months would go by
when I hadn't heard from her.

It felt...

I felt special to be coached
and mentored closely by her.

It's like, well,
it's Lauren and I love her,

and I get to spend time with her.

I knew I was part of the pod,

but I didn't know who they were yet
because I hadn't met them.

LOVES OF MY LIFE.

I AM SO EXCITED WE WILL ALL
BE TOGETHER NEXT WEEK!

I had basically was in for six weeks

when Lauren asked me to go to Albany
for an initiation ceremony.

I got on the phone with her
and I asked how she was doing.

She's like, "I'm great.
I've lost a lot of weight

since you were here last thanks to
DOS. And I'm down at my goal weight."

And I said, "What is your goal weight?"
And it was like 103 or 104.

Lauren lost 20 pounds
in six weeks.

So, we get there and as a part
of the initiation ceremony,

we get a tattoo
that like all the sisters have

and we'll all know that we have it
and it's really cool.

The idea of it is, it's seven lines

and it's also based
in the four elements.

The straight line at the top
is the sky.

And then there's a mountain,
which is the earth.

And then
the squiggle line is a river.

And that night,
Nippy drops me off.

I told him I had a meeting
with Lauren.

Everybody has secrets though,
from each other.

Lauren was like, "Oh my God, I'm so
excited. This is actually happening."

And she brings me upstairs.
We hug.

She brings me to her guestroom
and says, "Take off your clothes.

And I'll be back in a little bit."

When she came back,
gave me a blindfold.

I could feel like there were
other people around me.

And then she said, "Okay sisters,
take off your blindfolds."

And we took our blindfolds off
and I saw who I was sitting with.

Now, I'm sitting buck naked,
cross-legged on a sheepskin rug

with four other women
who I know.

And some of them
I've known for years.

And we're all like,
"Oh my God, this is so weird."

She's like, "Guys, it's your bodies.
You have to get over your issues."

So, we're like... You know.

We piled into her car,
put blindfolds on again.

Drove somewhere.
It was supposed to be top secret.

But I cheated and looked out
of the bottom of my bandana

and saw that we were
at Allison Mac's house.

So now I know Allie's involved.

And at that point, for the first
time, Lauren showed us her brand.

It's not a tattoo.

And I just was really freaked out.

It's a fucking medical procedure
without anesthetic.

And the first person laid down
on the table

and they started to draw a line
in her flesh with a cauterizing iron

and her flesh started to burn
and smoke and sizzle.

We had to hold her down.

We were crying. We were shaking.
We were holding each other.

One of my other sisters and I
were looking at each other like,

"What the fuck?
Like where the fuck are we?

How do we get here?"

I don't want to do this.

I was just thinking,
how the fuck am I going to get out?

I was even thinking about
texting Nippy and saying like,

"Hey, I think I'm at Allison Mack's
house. I'm naked. Help me."

Each person took 30 minutes.

So, I had two hours of watching
other people get branded

and they weren't doing well.
They were squirming.

They were crying. They were twitching.
They were sweating.

And at one-point Lauren
pulled me inside and she's like,

"You're green. You need
to show them how to do this."

Everything in my body was going,
"Don't do this. Don't do this.

Get the fuck out.
This is not a good thing to do."

The other part of me is going,

"I'm a fucking pussy.
I got to be strong."

I'm feeling the most fear
I've ever felt in my life.

I sat down before my turn.

I'm like, "Lauren, I don't want
this thing on my body."

"But what's the worst part?
What does it mean?"

What does it mean?
To be afraid?

And she would literally EMing
just before I got branded.

What's the worst thing
that can happen?

I disassociated out of my body.

And I lay on the table and I just
like, triggered a state of love.

And I just thought about my son.

I thought about the moment when
I was actually giving birth to him,

all the other women were like,
"Oh my God, Sarah didn't even move."

Then I opened my eyes and there's
Lauren staring at me lovingly.

That brand was a really powerful
moment. You saw with me and you.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- It was really beautiful. I cried.

- I thought it was so beautiful.
- So beautiful, Lauren.

- And I had that same experience of it.
- It really was. It really, really was.

I came out of that being like, "Holy
fuck, I did it. I can do anything."

My dad has a joke.

There's this old saying that goes,
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

Whatever it is. My dad goes,
"Yeah, it also gets replaced."

So, we didn't squeak a lot
in my house.

I was dying to tell him.

And I remember just like I said,
"Had a great meeting," or something.

He was like, "Oh yeah."
He wasn't engaged.

And I wanted to tell him like,
"I'm so strong.

Like you'd never be able to do
what I just did."

GOOD MORNING MASTER!
DID YOU GET SOME REST?

Lauren told me to start making lists
of people I wanted to do this with.

At this point I already had one slave

and I'm like saying to Lauren,
"What do I do with her?"

And I found out, like her other slaves
were doing errands for her

and helping her around the house

and like, whatever needed
to be done, foot rubs.

AND DON'T FORGET MONTHLY
COLLATERAL IS DUE THURSDAY!

And then at some point she said,
"Yeah, we need new collaterals."

I was like, "What?"

"We need new collateral every month
to strengthen your word every month."

She's like, "You know with the deed
to your home."

I'm like, "What do you mean
the deed to your home?"

That's not how it works.

You take the paperwork and you go
to a lawyer and get it notarized.

LIKE WHAT IF THIS INFO GOT
INTO THE WRONG HANDS.

I had a lot of questions
like who holds my collateral?

Everything was, "You don't need
to know. That's your control issues."

It's not what I signed up for.

The whole, not what I signed up for
doesn't hold weight though,

because I am at cause.

I chose everything that happened
in this situation with DOS.

I chose to be involved.
I chose to be committed.

I chose to make
a vow of obedience to her.

So now I've got to do
whatever she asks.

Lauren started sending me
screenshots of women

in my organization in Vancouver
through Facebook, like,

"What about this girl?
What about this girl?"

All beautiful, skinny girls.

It became enroll, enroll, enroll,
recruit, recruit, recruit.

Slaves to get slaves, to get slaves.

Check in every day
with who's on your list?

Have they given collateral for first?
Have they given collateral for second?

YOU WILL GET
A JOYFUL PHOTO TOMORROW!

Most of the other masters
when recruiting, we're just like,

"Let's just go to the bathroom.
I'll take a photo of your tits."

There were so many things
that were not okay

in a very short period of time.

So, I'm putting things together.

I can speculate I think it's Alli's
the Master of one group for sure.

Right now, my belief is
that Alli could be the top.

The symbol was not
a symbol for the elements,

or whatever bullshit
they told us.

I just looked in the mirror and saw it.
You know, when a picture pops up

and one of those paintings
with the thing emerges,

you're like, "Oh, that's what it is."
It's a turtle or whatever.

It was like, AM.
Oh my God.

And I think it's a brand
of Allison Mack's initials

and I knew that I was in her home
when I got branded.

So, it seems like Allie Mack
is the top of this thing.

And I showed my slave

and I said, "Do you wanna see
what you're supposed to get?"

and she was like, "Look!"

And when you turn your head
to the sides

it's a brand of Keith's initials
and Allison Mack's.

And I was like, "What the fuck?"

I didn't make the brand.

Okay. Yeah. I know
you didn't make the brand, Lauren.

But now I just looked at it
from the side and its KR.

I have Keith's initials
beside my vagina.

Do you think Nippy's ever going
to want to go down there again?

Is Keith behind DOS? Is Keith
the one who organized this?

It's not something
that we discuss, Sarah.

- Yeah, but Lauren, Lauren.
- It's irrelevant.

DOS started by a bunch of women

and they got permission from Keith
to use some of the tools.

He gave them permission
to use collateral and penance.

Okay. But he didn't know
about the branding?

He knew about it,
but he didn't cause it.

And he didn't create the brand.
The girls did.

Who's got my photos? For real?

I promise you I am the only one
who has them.

Because when I took pictures
of my S's, I sent them to you.

- Where are those?
- I didn't... I have them.

Lauren, can you please promise me
to go in and delete them right now?

- Yeah.
- And my confessions and my family?

Yes. I'll get rid of everything.

Like, I'm getting freaked out
about where this is going

and who's involved and I don't have
a problem if Keith wants to have sex,

but if sex with him is part of this...

I don't know
who's sleeping with Keith.

You can ask them
but it's not something I'm doing.

And it's not a problem for me
what he's doing.

And you were never going
to have to sleep with Keith.

I wasn't brought in for Keith.

What holds us back from being the
most awesome you that you can be?

- What do you think?
- Fear?

- Fear. Correct. Yeah. What else?
- Bad habits.

I was brought in
as a recruitment tool.

- I feel so fucking responsible.
- I hear you.

I feel responsible
for Nicky and Alli.

We brought the entertainment
industry into this company

that happened to be populated
with very pretty girls.

And why the fuck did Kristen Kreuk
leave? The real reason?

Is that why?
Was she approached?

I am almost 90% certain
that something uncool happened.

Are you fucking kidding me?

There are so many women
that have left that look the same.

They're skinny.
They're young. They're pretty.

They will not say anything
because they are so scared.

Why? Because somebody
very powerful hit on them.

Fuck me.

- Can you please tell Nippy?
- Ok.

I mean we're making decisions
about our life and where to live.

You know, I think
the curriculum is second to none.

I want my kid involved in that.

I certainly don't want him
to grow up in Vancouver.

Nip, it's a very delicate situation.
There are landmines ahead.

When Mark told me,
Sarah got branded

and I was like, "What?"

What is going on?
At first, I was kind of like,

"Sarah, what are you doing?"
I didn't think Keith was part of it.

Was Mark leaving a flare?
Like, something had gone off?

In my mind I was blaming Bonnie,

but Bonnie had seen Keith
for who he really is.

And I've been out there peddling this
fucking shit for however many years.

So, in essence,
what a lie does is this.

You're consciously taking shackles,

putting it on
your filters of the world,

and you're meant to run everything
through that filter of the lie.

How do you feel?

Pissed and scared.

Mostly scared.

Because there's also
the component of...

If this isn't true what I was doing,
how do I not... What's real?

They think it's noble
to not let the fear conduct

and inform their decisions.

I'm like, "Look,
if a bus is coming,

you need to get
the fuck out of the way."

Fear is not a bad thing.
It's a warning sign.

Lauren, I don't know what's going on
but I'm hearing shit around branding.

Sarah told me she got a brand.

You might be participating
in some criminal behavior.

I'm not in a... Nippy.

I'm hearing stuff around collateral
which sounds a lot like blackmail.

Nippy, I've known you 20 years.
Why can't we have a conversation?

Because I don't want to have
a conversation about it.

And I know you're going to go on
some diatribe how that's my anger.

I'm not.

Ten years of my life I've gone
and I've supported this organization.

I've put my heart and fucking soul
behind this stuff.

The definition of personal growth
isn't getting fucking branded

with Keith's fucking initials
in her crotch.

What do you mean, yeah?
It's disgusting, Lauren.

You believe something
is disgusting

that you don't understand
and are not wanting...

- Nor do I care to understand it.
- Why? What if you're wrong?

- Because I don't want...
- What if you're wrong?

What if you're wrong?

I have a three year old boy.
I have a wife.

I don't want them subjected
to any of this crap.

I'm sorry. That's my stance.

I'm sorry that you feel this way.

I'm sorry that you're branding
my fucking wife.

You're one of my best friends.
I love you.

If you can't see how this is bad,

then I don't think we have
anything else to talk about.

I'm stepping down from SOP
immediately. I'm out.

Sarah, what does he know?
I mean, what did you tell him?

I just told them that I had it. He was
going to see it eventually, right?

Yeah. Then I would explain
things to him.

I mean, part of why we didn't tell
the men what we were doing

is because of
what's going on right now.

Which is, the main think
the women are victims of it,

they come into play hero,
and make the women victims of it.

And they're trying
to shut the whole thing down.

Right now, I just need
to step back and take a breath

and you know, fix my marriage.

And I can't really deal
with this other stuff.

I think that if Nippy
really understood this,

he would want it to exist.

You know, he's on
the leadership council of SOP.

Like, this is
what we're fighting for.

But I don't feel good about it.

Okay.

I want to go back
to being your friend.

I don't want to have
this collateral.

Did you say
that you have deleted things?

Do you know what?
I have an issue with it,

and I want to talk to you about it.

You made a vow,
which I view as a sacred vow.

In a way, out of fear,
you violated that.

How did I violate it?

By disclosing to Nippy.

Nippy. Lauren,
he was always going to see it.

I didn't disclose anything that we
didn't agree I was going to disclose.

I understand
if you want to choose Nippy

and I'm telling you
it's okay with me.

But you and I did discuss this
before you came in,

that I said you would uphold
the relationship with me

above your relationship with Nippy
and you said, "Yes."

I'm not choosing you
over my husband.

I think it's good.

This is not real.
You know, you're not my master.

I'm not your slave, you know?
This is an exercise.

This is a metaphor.
It's not real.

Okay.

And I don't think
you have bad intent about this,

but this is not
what you said it was.

HEY LAUR

I HEAR YOU ARE TELLING
PEOPLE I AM "UNHINGED".

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.
I WON'T FUCK WITH YOU

Our relationships are the place
where we learn to be human.

There are aspects of it
that are beautiful

and there's aspects
that thwart your growth.

You have to learn
to work with both.

You do because in love there's
wanting to care about other people

and wanting to connect with them on
that level where you also help them

and sometimes you say things
that are hard for them.

But they don't leave
the interaction feeling abused,

they leave
the interaction feeling supported.

Do you ever feel
like you failed Sarah?

- In what capacity?
- To protect her.

No.

Because ultimately,
I think I did.

I mean, if I had known things sooner
and didn't do anything,

yeah, obviously. But it just...

Thing happened
underneath my nose.

I trusted Lauren.
I trusted this whole thing.

We're talking about
building strength.

Let's say you're 23, 24 right now,

and you're the kind of person
who wants to do good.

Where would you go? Do you trust
our legal system for that?

Do you trust our political system
for that?

Really, Nippy...

You're one of the most
principled people I've ever met.

It always makes me like,
"Oh my God.

He has such a beautiful vision
for the world."

- I know. I think about it.
- I know you do.

In my 16 day, I happened to be reading
a book called 'The Death of Outrage'.

This is when Clinton
in the White House with an intern

was our biggest problem.
And I remember thinking,

"This is absurd that we have
a leader who's doing this."

And Keith is addressing

and talking about America
being docile, overweight, stupid.

This guy's talking the way that
I think people needed to be talking.

Responsibility exists
whether you see it or not.

Responsibility is the physics,

the interconnectedness
of all things.

You can try to deny it,
but that's your stupidity.

Write an excuse?
Prove to me you're impotent.

Blame someone?

Now you show me that you've been
dominated and you're a victim.

I was the jackass.

And once you can reconcile
what you did,

how you did it, the next step
is pretty clear. You fix it.

SUMMER 2017

You got to give Butter.

Oh my God,
I didn't realize it was 4:28.

I gotta run. Okay.

Another one of the things
that happened when I was first in ESP

is driving in a situation like this

and got a little road rage
with someone

and there was a coach
in the back

and he was like, "Sarah, you're
an ambassador for humanity now.

You're not allowed
to express that emotion."

Oh man, so complicated.

Been waiting to do that
for a long time.

I'm going to film this and I wanna
make sure that everything's documented

that I'm doing the right thing.

I'm passing over everything that you
guys need to run the Vancouver Center.

I'm trying to step away
and do what is right.

And I know you think
it's a good thing,

but it's very, very fucking serious.

It's human trafficking
and it's getting women to commit

and be under a vow to get closer and
closer and closer to sex with Keith.

Do not enroll anyone else into this.
It is illegal, unethical, immoral.

You're fucking yourselves.
Do you understand?

- I hear your words.
- I understand what you're saying.

I know you're going to tell all that
to Lauren and Keith and whoever.

I'm officially off the sidelines.

It's not okay for me
to just be silent. Okay?

Don't say I didn't warn you.
I've always had your back.

It's all out in the open.

About the collateral.
I'm told everyone has collateral.

Photos will be released or not.

I don't give a shit.
Everyone can see it.

You okay?

- I'm broken.
- I feel that.

- Everything feels like my fault.
- No.

I feel like...

Because all these people
came through us. You know?

We brought them in,
we have to take them out.