All language subtitles for Gravy.2015.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

Every Eve of every hallow.

High time we made a stand

and shook up the views
of the common man

the love train rides
from coast to coast

d.j.'s the man we love the most

could you be,
could you be squeaky clean?

- And smash any hope of democracy?
- Hello?

As the headline says
you're free to choose

there's egg on your face
and mud on your shoes

one of these days they're gonna call it
the blues, yeah, yeah

Sowing the seeds
of love, the seeds of love,

sowing the seeds of...

Hello?

Well, in view of the
fact that there is no one

here to seek payment for
this delectable frosty treat...

- Oh, my gosh!
- Ah...

I am so sorry!
Have you been waiting long?

Oh, no. I actually...

I had like a gallon of pink
lemonade before my shift

and I knew I had to wee,
but I couldn't because

I couldn't be late
and I'm a professional.

But it was an emergency and
now my life is in your hands

and we do have a half bath and
we tell everybody that we don't.

We lie, but we do.
We have a commode and a sink.

Would you like to
fill out a gripe report?

Yes. No! No! No!
I don't have any gripes.

- No, your...
- Oh!

Hey, your... your secret
is safe with me, miss, um...

Goolsby, miss Bethany lynne
goolsby from haddonfield.

Well, miss Bethany lynne
goolsby from haddonsfield,

I say that we put this
whole thing behind us

and we pretend like
it never happened.

You're nice!

When you were born,
what name were you given?

- Anson.
- Anson, like manson.

- Well, yeah, sort of.
- That was weird.

- They totally rhymed.
- It does rhyme.

It totally rhymes.

Well, will that be all
for you tonight, anson?

Um, yep. Oh, no. Oh, uh, yeah.
Save a tree.

That's so nice!
I frickin' love sorbet!

I frickin' love it too!
It fully cleanses my palate.

- Yeah.
- Oh, um...

Don't. Don't. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna give it
to you for free.

- Hmm?
- I'm gonna give it to you for free.

Can you hear what I'm saying?

I'm gonna give
it to you for free.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

- Milady.
- Oh.

Oh, come back after the winter
when you've found food for us!

Ihavefoundfood!

Let's eat it!

I have been hunting
and gathering at once!

'Cause I have a
big steed that I ride.

Oh, it's hard to get your
horse to go in circles.

I've always wanted to dance a jig!

You seem like
you could teach a jig.

Well, I was just being honest.

Never mind.

You can tell me anything.
I hope you know that.

Um, okay, would it be weird if
I came and visited you sometime?

Eh, no, not under any
circumstances would it be weird.

It would be,
it would be perfectly yes.

Happy Halloween,
miss Bethany lynne goolsby.

Happy Halloween,
anson like manson.

Open hearts

feel about it

open minds

think about it

everyone

read about it

everyone

scream about it

everyone

everyone

yeah

everyone -

Read about it, read about it

read in the books in the crannies
and the nooks there are books to read

- Sowing the seeds of love
- sowing the seeds of love

we 're sowing the seeds

sowing the seeds...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Well, is there a list?

List! Yes, it does matter.

Because it's fucking
freezing outside

and I'm wearing this
ass-tastic peach melba

fit & flare number, Heather.
Be part of the solution.

No way! If I wear a jacket,
I might as well not even

be wearing a costume, okay?

I'm not an inuit, and plus,
my nipples are poking out

like little patriot missiles and
that's the fire starter, hmm?

Fuck, dude! It's so cold!

I, like, can't even inhale.
Fuck.

But I thought you
were all over this.

Well, good, because
I can't do everything

while I'm toiling
like a white slave.

This godforsaken fish tank
is gonna be the death of me.

Dumb bitch.

Because I have to clean
the fish poo, Heather!

Yep, I'm a cock-teasing,
fish poo cleaning...

Junior college party-crashing
little diva bitty, and so are you.

Hey, we better be on
that fucking list. Jesus.

Revisionist history:
The illegitimate distortion

of the historical record says
that certain events appear

- in a more favorable light.
- Oh, but surely you make jest.

Napoleon was one of the greatest

military strategists the
world has ever known.

His codes were infamous!
The army of Portugal cipher.

Bitch, my cousin Deandre
don't even have his ged

and even he can figure out
the army of Portugal cipher!

It was just a bunch of
missin' letters.

Everybody know that!

Hmm.

Okay.

Nice.

That's right.
Ain't no holes in my game, son.

Little Georgie shoved his whole
arm up your boy's ass and said,

"hey, everybody, this is nappy.
He's my bitch.

"You got any bright
ideas, nappy?"

"Eh, eh, eh, eh.

Oui! Let's go to Egypt!
I want those pyramids!"

George scovell was lucky.

He was a showboat
and a nincompoop!

- You a damn nincompoop.
- You're a nincompoop!

- You're a nincompoop!
- You are a nincompoop!

You're right.

I am a nincompoop.

- Respect!
- Respect.

You are going to ace this test.

From your lips to
god's ears, my brother.

Bert, hello. Time to get up.
Time to go home.

My phone is dead.

Possibly because I left about

17 iongwinded-ish messages

for my, uh, my angel.

I thought...

You know what? I'm good.

- I'm an oak.
- You are an oak.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
I'm gonna clean it up.

I am nobody's jerk, so...

Absolutely not.

Please be careful
going up the stairs.

You're an oak. Tiptop.
Use the railing.

God.

Yeah! He's had a rough night,
wearing that.

Oh, my god.

I cannot believe he proposed
here, like, that's so shitty.

Got down on one
knee and everything.

Had me float the ring
in a ginger Margarita.

- Tequila shot?
- Pretty please?

You're gonna
miss the shit out of me.

This is true.
What am I gonna do without you?

Yo, that shit's nasty.
Where's Julio?

He drove Melissa to the
hospital after her water broke.

That hooker was walking
with some quesadillas

and her shit just
started cascading

- down her legs onto the carpet.
- She's not a hooker.

Then she should be.
The bar empty or what?

No, not yet.

Well, I ain't gonna
be here all damn night.

I'm gonna go out and
get me some candy and nuts.

Wink, what'd you
lock the door for?

I ain't locked shit.

- Well, it won't open.
- So?

So, it has ceased to serve
its purpose as a door.

Then don't think of it as one!

Damn. Fuck outta my face.

Oh, hell, yeah!
Genghis motherfuckin' Khan.

It's true.
At least here I have you guys.

- We're in the trenches together.
- Oh, fuck off!

You think any of us actually
want to be here? Okay, stop.

This is still all about king of
the dipshits, and I've had it.

He was a loser. Seriously.

You are better off without
him and you know it.

You're gonna end up with
some gorgeous doctor

with a huge dong
and a range rover.

I refuse to feel sorry for you.

Winketta, do me a favor.

Stop eating for a second,
go check the floor,

and bring kerry
and cricket with you.

- Mmm. What's this?
- Uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh-uh. No, no.

You can't give a sista
a little baby piece?

Nobody gets any until
kerry comes back here.

We're all gonna get together
and we're gonna sing

"for she's a jolly good fellow"
and next week when you graduate

we're gonna do the same
thing for you, senorita.

All right.

I'll bring her ass back here,
but I ain't singin' shit.

And y'all better not touch
my nachos neither!

Your nachos are safe. Now go on.

I don't understand this thing.
It's not even locked!

That's what I was sayin', homes.

- What'd I tell you about that?
- What?

Going around calling people
"homes" and "esse."

You said I should
grow my lexicon.

I said, be the mexi-con
with the lexicon!

Now where is the disconnect?

Well, I didn't have any idea
what you were talking about

to tell you the truth,
but now I think I understand.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

- Do you really?
- Yeah.

Because if you're
just saying that

and you're still
harboring confusion

'cause all you think
about is ass...

Tio chuy. I got you, man.

And I'm gonna be a
pugilist and a gentleman.

One of the two wouldn't be bad.

Is there a shade
past blue balls?

- Stop.
- Yo. Chuy needs y'all in the back.

- Check this out.
- Check what out?

Sit back, relax,
and enjoy the show.

Oh, no, they ain't.

Oh, goddamn! Hey!
Y'all need to break it up!

You think this thing
is a ramada?

I'm sorry, are you
trying to close or something?

Fool, we've been closed
for half an hour now.

Y'all need to get your asses up
and get to a ramada, stat!

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

We just couldn't seem to help
ourselves, Halloween and all.

Come here. Mmm!

You are the dirtiest
pussy I've ever seen.

Y'all need to skedaddle, now!

Okay.

I fucking told you!

Fucking blue suit!

Emo! What's an emo?

Is this what I think it is?

Fuck, Bert.

I'm leaving you for jez.

She's an emo.

She plays in a siouxie and the
banshees cover band.

I'm sorry.

Okay, now.

Oh, you guys!
I can't believe this!

I've never seen frosting
on flan before.

You need to pull yourself together
and cut this custard, girl.

Chuy, this is too much.

We know that
you will be fulfilling

your dream of
helping those in need.

Now, that's hardly a
surprise from all of us

who've gotten to know you

and are lucky enough to
call you friend.

Oh.

- This is from all of us.
- No...

Oh, thank you so much!

I love it! It's perfect!
Thank you.

Oh, no, no.
Wait, wait, everybody.

Okay, on three, okay?
One, two, three.

For she's a jolly good fellow,

for she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's...

I like roosters, how 'bout you?

I like pigs and donkeys, too

I like cows and I like hens

I like farm animal friends

farm animal friends

go, snort, snort, hee-haw

cock-a-doodle doo!

Farm animal friends

go, snort, snort, hee-haw

cock-a-doodle doo!

Farm animal friends

farm animal, farm,
farm animal friends

farm animal friends

farm animal, farm,
farm animal friends

I like farm animal friends.

Winkie.
Something's blocking this door.

Uh, go around.

I need you to find out
what that is, please.

Hell no.
My bunions is all flared up.

Come on, winketta.
You can walk me to my car on the way.

The freaks are out tonight
and I am a tiny white

ice Princess with natural boobs.

Oh! My pinky toe's all mashed
up against my finger toe.

Hey! Yeah, I'm leaving
right now, you concubine.

Oh, my god, Heather!

I'm sorry, I'm being a what?
Shut...

Heather, did you just
hang up on me?

Do you smell something burning?

What in the...

Hey, cricket, tell chuy to
call the fuzz!

Aloha! Holy shit! Mamacita!
No need to be alarmed.

I took metal shop in
high school and, uh,

I know what I'm doing
for the most part.

Which is what?

Well, I just welded this
here door shut from the inside.

Cricket!
Cricket, where are you, girl?

Cricket, where are you, girl?
I think she's over there.

Whoop! Eleven o'clock.

We don't need another hero.

I got combat skills, bitch.

Now, I do not doubt that.
What is your name, please?

Fuck you! Let her go!

Tell me your name or
I'll be forced to call you roz.

Dude, you just
totally read my mind.

Speaking of which,
what the hell happened

to Harry Anderson
after "night court"?

Live shows in Vegas.

His seats sell faster
than love and o.

Well, suit yourself, roz.
I'm Stef.

The, uh, welding bandit bozo
over there is my brother anson,

and the lovely pussycat
behind you is Mimi,

the future mother
of my hello kitties.

Meow.
Now back that thing up, bitch.

Ah, time for the
backdoor, please?

Maybe nine minutes.

Front door's eleven and change.

You've really become an
accomplished welderman.

Thanks, bro. I'll be able to
UN-weld that in half the time.

- Cha-ching.
- That's a hilariously small cowboy hat

you have on your head there,
my friend.

It was a game-time decision.
Sometimes less is more.

- Agreed.
- I think you look ridiculous.

Shh.

You know what, Mimi?
You're a cat, okay?

You're a frickin' black cat.
Don't judge me.

Open up, please.

You're not putting that orange
in my mouth, motherfucker.

First of all, it's a tangelo
and it's in season. Secondly...

So far, so pretty, you guys.

What do you say we
head back to the kitchen

and round up the troops?

You guys stay here
and get comfy.

You know, I think a bandit clown

with a big ax is pretty creepy.
It's called counterpoint.

Plus the beard adds nuance.

You are so insecure,
anson, it's revolting.

Was anyone talking to you, Mimi?
No.

Fuck.

Ladies and gentlemen,
do not be alarmed.

- No one will be hurt.
- What are you doing?

Some kind ofjoke? Come on, hey.

Everyone, thank you! Splendid.

We're about to
have a lot of fun.

- Lads and Lasses.
- Overkill.

Yep. Here's the skinny.

We have got a variety

of wacky activities
on the docket for tonight,

but the clock is already ticking
so we are gonna need your

full cooperation if
we are gonna pull

this shindig off in a funky way.

Now, we'd be willing to pull
the fruits from your mugs

if you could follow one
simple rule. Hush it up!

Or I'll be forced to
stab you in the liver

with a flintstone-sized
beef skewer.

Now, what was the rule?

Don't be shy.
Let me hear it. Please.

Outstanding, you guys.
That was really, really good.

Moving on.

You should all know that the
phone lines have been cut,

the front and back doors
have been welded shut

and as most of you already
know, I presume...

There are no windows
in this cantina pequita.

So basically what
I'm telling you here

is that the stage
has clearly been set

for an old-school
pseudo-European

gangster-style slumber party.

Lady lumps,
have you collected the mobiles?

Hey, Siri.

Guess she couldn't swim.

You are a cheeky minx.

I thought you'd like that shit.

I do. I do, baby.

Uh, pardon me, por favor.

Uh, I'm the manager here
and now I know you said not to,

uh, speak or else you'd
stab me in the kidney, but...

Kidney, he said.

Well, I'm willing to
give you every red cent

the joint has if you just
let my employees go.

Let my people go.

- Go.
- What are you doing?

Let me handle this, mija.

We're not leaving you here.
No way.

Fuck that! I ain't going anywhere
without you, uncle chuy.

Mi madre es tu hermana, vato.

Probably be in jail
if it wasn't for you

and the songs of rubén blades.

You believed in me
when no one else would.

I will not abandon you in this,
your darkest hour.

- Our darkest hour.
- Shh!

Oh, wait. I'm aces.
Sorry. Never mind.

Listen, you're all
very, very sweet

and I appreciate that and that's

one of the reasons
why I hired you,

but it only takes one
of us to open the safe

and I'm the only one
who has the combination.

That's not true.
I know the combination.

No, you don't!

- I too know the combination.
- Please don't do this.

Yo. I could crack that remedial
shit with my eyes closed.

Oh, hell no. All y'all is crazy.

- Hey. Hey, hi!
- Hi.

Look, you got all the
people you need.

So why don't you just
UN-weld one of them doors

and let a sister
catch the next Metro?

- Wink.
- What?

Wait. Why did they weld
the doors shut?

Why does anyone do anything?

Come in, grab the cash,
make a quick exit.

- Isn't that the drill?
- In my experience, yeah.

So why the pseudo-European
gangster-style slumber party?

- Why pseudo?
- Seriously.

Like we're not good
enough for the real thing?

What is the real thing?

Why haven't they asked
about the safe already?

Because these cabrones aren't
planning a robbery, are you?

Oh, hell no!

You guys are adorable.

I mean, the no-talking rule went
out the window in a huge way,

but you're an intuitive bunch.
I like that.

And does this feel
like a robbery to you?

Does this smell like
a robbery to you?

Honestly, it's not like
anyone pays with cash

anymore anyway these days.

Stop it!

What the hell do
you want with us?

We want everything.
The whole Chimichanga.

And a little bit of pageantry.

You're gonna kill us?

Big picture?
Yes, that's a given.

No, man.

I should've known
your nasty pasty asses,

comin' in here
dry humpin' and shit!

- No, man! No way.
- I get it.

- Please! Gringo loco.
- I get it.

So y'all is some punk-ass
crazy-eyed killers, huh?

Okay then. Come at me.
Come at a sista.

'Cause I swear on my
grandmama's grave

that I ain't goin' out
without a motherfuckin' fight.

You hear me?

I'MMA be throwin' some haymakers
and some kung-fu style elbows,

'cause I don't play these games!

This is some sick
white-people-only shit.

What the fuck are y'all doin'
iickin' and sniffin' on folks?

The fuck? You really startin' to bug!
Come get me! What...

Roz! If you don't pipe down,
you're gonna lose your voice.

Bitch! Hooker, please!

Bitch, if you find some
goddamn needle and thread

and sew my shit shut,
I'm still gonna talk at you!

You hear me?

And you're gonna hear me
loud and goddamn clear!

I will find you in your dreams

and I will hate-fuck you,
Amazon bitch!

Get off me, ho!
Don't touch me, ho!

Get off me, ho!
I will sweat insults, bitch,

if you don't stop
fuckin' touchin' me!

Get off me...

Oh!

Oh, shit! Oh! Puta madre!

Well, what the fuck
is this move?

Hey, babe.
I bit out roz's voice box.

- You did.
- Not much of a box now.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, man.

Mmm.

Okay. What the hell?
The cat's already out of the sack.

We're gonna eat you guys.
All of you.

The raw, the cooked,
one at a time until

we are so stuffed
we can barely move

because that's who we are.

And tonight's the night we
feast it up banquet style.

It's our tradition!

Every Eve of every hallow.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, we're gonna clown around, uh,

and we're gonna come up
with names for... for every...

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!

- Every course...
- Yeah.

- Based on who's in them.
- Like, uh, holy mole.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- Right. You know what? Maybe a...
- Psst.

- Maybe a simple heads-up...
- Shh.

Next time before you decide to
grossly break protocol like that, huh?

Do what?

I'm fairly certain that
what you did constitutes

nibbling on the living, and that is...
That is not what we're about.

We have a mission statement,
we have integrity.

Oh, what's the big fucking deal?

We were gonna turn
her into stew anyway.

She wasn't gonna shut up, so...

Stef?

Ah, why don't we shelve
this 'til later, you guys?

Ha! Naturally.

Rules are made to be broken.

You stole my
favorite line, okay?

"Every Eve of every hallow."

I say that. That's my line.
I say it every year.

Stef, will you tell her?

- You took his line, hon, you did take...
- Because I don't have any!

You have to help winketta.
She'll bleed to death. Please!

That is a truly ugly picture.
Pennywise, please patch her up.

I doubt she'll be available
for the second half,

though, fy to the I.

Sorry, roz.

It wasn't supposed to be a
frickin' cannibal holocaust.

Just try to find
your happy place.

Now, Spartacus, about
your request to let the pups go.

You're a leader.
You know what I mean?

You lead. Any fool can see that.

You have the respect and
admiration of your employees

and that is something
that I appreciate,

but it's that same sense
of loyalty and sacrifice

that makes me a
little bit skittish, ch...

Hmm? Leadership intangibles.

Exactly. It's like having
Gladys knight or Edie brickell

- under center for the opposing squad.
- Ah, sports!

But I'm also a sucker
for a feel-good ending.

Remember "old yeller"?

Anyone?

Okay.

What are you doing?

I'm giving papa smurf a
chance to save the village.

Did you ever play William tell
as a little bandito, chuy?

No, it was mostly
cowboys and Indians.

Oh, I bet you made a precious
little injun boy, didn't you?

- I was a cowboy!
- Hmm. Progressive.

Not really.

There were no white kids
in the neighborhood

so we all got to be
whatever we wanted to be.

Well, today,
I'm going to be William tell

and you'll be my one and
only son, Willie, Jr.

If I can hit the tangelo
off the top of your head,

- I'll let your people go.
- And if you miss?

You know, I had you pegged
as a glass-half—full kind of guy.

Anson, my kin.

No, no, no, uncle chuy.
Don't, man.

You don't gotta do this! Come on!

No, tio, no.
You don't gotta do this, tio!

Ah. All right.

Here comes the airplane.

Open wide.

- Ah. Atta boy.
- I can't overemphasize the need

for you to remain
completely still.

Whoa. Hey, buddy,
you are so hardcore right now.

Yikes. All right, brother.
All set. Let's do it.

Let 'er rip, babe.

Lover, I don't play to win

for the thrill until I'm spent

paint the black hole blacker

paint the hole...

I'll fuckin' kill you!
I'll kill all of you!

- Oh, my god!
- What the hell?

Well, I missed the target.

Yeah, but you hit the tree.

Mm-hmm.

E ah! Verybody stays!

- Hooray!
- Fuck!

Well, that happened.

I know it's tough,
but sometimes you gotta

stake the king
to take the castle.

Now, if I had to guess,

I would say that you are the chef

and you're not from around here.

- Oui.
- Well, here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna follow
me back to the kitchen.

If you try anything weird,
I'll pour hot lard

all over your frog face. Oui, oui?
Now go help your fallen idol, okay?

Lift with the legs. Make it nice.
Show some respect.

Okay, listen up,
Simone de beauvoir.

- Yannick.
- Yannick? Like yannick Noah?

Hmm.

The sweetest calves of
all the rackets men.

Well, here's the story.
You do what I ask,

you play ball and you
prepare a feast fit for

the royal family and
I will give some

serious consideration
into letting you live.

If you try to be a hero,

pain will very much exist
in this dojo, my friend.

So, we are gonna play
a little parlor game,

one that has only
gotten better with age,

one that I like to call
six degrees of Kevin bacon.

Everybody calls it that,
pinchero.

Well, that's because
it's so good!

Who the fuck is Kevin bacon?

What? Hello! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I am laughing at you because
that is so dumb. Kevin bacon?

Uh, Kevin bacon is the
center of the movie universe,

and I don't want to hear any
of this bullshit about Brian Cox,

because it's Kevin bacon,
it's always been Kevin bacon

and it always will be.
And maybe you'd know that

if you had an ounce of culture
or any interest in the arts.

Eat a hot bowl of clicks, Mimi.

All right, now before
we roll up our sleeves,

I'm gonna need some culinary
background on you, buster.

And don't inflate
the skills, all right?

If you're a one-trick pony,
so be it.

Just shoot me straight.

So what's the story, morning glory?
Crepes or no crepes?

What are we talking
about here, buddy?

Use your words. Go ahead.

My great-grandfather,
Claude Henri St. eclair,

studied French and
Moroccan cuisine

with world-renowned
chef Jean-jaques lepen.

He and my father Bob were
at one time considered

the best sauté and charcuterie
chefs on the planet.

And to make a long story short,

my sick-minded
doomsday adversary,

I once brought a
57-year-old widow to climax

just moments after she
tasted my boeuf bourguignon

with country vegetables
and just a touch of white truffle oil.

Any more stupid questions,
you Minion of beelzebub?

What reason could you
possibly have for working here?

Who was in blank with so-and-so?

Who was in blank with so-and-so?
Who was in blank with so-and-so?

Who was in blank with so-and-so?
Who was in blank with so-and-so?

Was in... argh!

Those are the rules.
So, my tribes members,

winner gets to keep their legs
and stretch them. Finish last...

Just get on with it already!

I am totally freaking out
over here and I can't deal!

I cannot deal.

Tuesday weld. Tick-tock.

This is boring.

Let's kill someone before
I slip into a coma.

Mimi, why don't you
go find some hedges?

Because this is fun and games
time and I have the conch.

Tuesday weld is a
person or activity?

Wait. Whoa, I got it. I got it.

- No way.
- Super fun. Go!

Tuesday weld was in
"falling down" with Robert duvall,

Robert duvall was
in "days of thunder"

with Thomas cruise maypother,
and the cruise missile

was in "a few good men"
with Kevin bacon.

Michael rooker wasn't
terrible in "days of thunder."

Fine! But the movie as a
whole could clear a room

because it was shit on a
plate with no crackers!

Now tell me what
I won, motherfucker.

Round one.
Back me up on this, roz.

How's that new collar
treating you, my maestro petite?

Extremely uncomfortable
and starting to chafe.

You sadistic
three-horn succubus.

Your insults are surprisingly
colorful, yannick.

Shall we call this
the manager's special?

It's okay, I know you're
laughing on the inside.

Oh.

Credit where credit's due.
You're good, yannick.

- To the horse race!
- Nice!

And roz is still holding on,
but frickin' barely!

- She's a warrior!
- Okay, I'm coming in!

All right, you stay here,
keep tenderizing,

and prepare the salad
if you're thinking salad.

But if I'm being
perfectly honest,

tonight's not really
about roughage.

I'm speechless.

I totally underestimated
both of you, especially you.

Manager's special.

Dude, we have a couple
of genuine cinephiles here.

They have nailed
some really obscure shit!

- Fantastic. Where are we now?
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Lillian gish for
all the marbles.

Gish.

Not really chewy at all.

- Mm-mm.
- Mmm.

No. We struck gold with
j.C.V.D. Back there.

- You guys ain't seen nothing yet.
- I got it!

- Fuck!
- No way!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, okay. Is, uh-uh-uh,

bacon was in "diner"
with Daniel stern.

Stern was in "my blue heaven"
with Joan cusack.

Joan was in "say anything"
with her brother John.

John was in "stand by me"
with wil wheaton.

Wheaton was in "hambone and hillie"
with Lillian gish!

Wheaton was the... the grandson?

- Yeah.
- Fuck me with a sand dollar.

By god, tell her what she's won!

All right, now don't get
too cocky, but go ahead.

- Get up, stretch it out, do it up.
- I'm so sorry.

Well, roz was the big loser but
she was at a clear disadvantage

because she was
drifting in and out

- of consciousness the whole time.
- You snooze, you lose.

You bit out her voice box.

What did you expect her to do,

pantomime the answers
with the tied-up arms?

You know, not to mention,

y'all didn't pick one actor
or actress of color.

She likes urban films.

Sew her up and start over
with Morris Chestnut or larenz Tate...

And see what happens, pendeja.

This unmasked
iuchador has a point.

Hmm. I think he's
a little spic crybaby.

Semantics aside.

I for one am growing discouraged

by the prospect of fairness,
moving forward.

Because while it may seem wry,
given the situation...

I do believe in what's fair.

I've always been a fan
of a well placed disco ball.

Any well-placed ball, really.

I don't believe roz is gonna
be able to participate

in a lot of the activities
we have planned.

At least not in any kind
of competitive way.

So you tell me, roz.
Does that seem fair?

And scene.

I'm so happy that it's you

Romeo, a lovesick fool

I'm so happy that I'm going to
find someone who's really great

uncontrollably uncomplicated,
money and charm are overrated...

That's that sap from the John.
I'll be damned.

Well, fuck, bro. Fuck!
He probably called the cops.

No can do. He wasted his
battery on some whore

who does not reciprocate
his love and affections.

Wow.
I completely forgot about him.

Yeah, probably the story of his life.
Poor fella.

Aww. I'm sure you can relate.

You heathen bitch!
You know, keep that up.

No, seriously. Keep that up
and see what happens!

Okay, easy, bro. Just...

Oh, ooh. Don't threaten me,
you little faggot.

- Ouch.
- Faggot?

She called me a faggot.
What are we, in high school?

Y-You keep that on reserve in
that sweet little vernacular?

What about honky, huh?
What about mongoloid?

You got... you got
mongoloid on standby?

I think that might be my
new favorite word. Mongoloid.

- You're ugly on the inside.
- Okay, enough, you guys!

We're wasting silly,
happy, fun times!

Just... just Berry pie?

Why don't you go
wrangle the stray for me?

This is so fucking lame!
What the f... argh!

I'm bored as shit.

Happy that it's you.

I'll make you a deal.

Go grab him,
bring him back alive,

he's your squeaky
toy for the night.

- How's that sound?
- Okay.

Shit.

I think Mimi may
be a sadist, bro.

- Yep.
- Or an extraterrestrial.

Look, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
threatened her like that.

- That was way out of line.
- No. It's food for thought.

I just fuckin' love
that accent, man.

I know you do, bro.

I'd go as far as to say
you're obsessed with it.

- I blame Jenny agutter.
- I know whose fault it is.

Full frontal in "equus,"
come on.

Full frontal in everything.

- We'll talk about it later.
- Okay.

I should go check on yannick.

Let's get roz outta here before
she starts to bloat and ooze.

What are you thinking? Ribs?

- Rump roast.
- Of course.

Hi. Hi.

Listen, I think... you're gonna
think this is hyperbole,

but I'm... I'm pretty sure
that my life is literally about to end.

Oh, man.

I was such a shit to Heather.

Say what?

My best friend has this huge crush
on this really nice fat guy,

and all I do is make fun of him.

It's not like I really mean it,
you know?

- I think I'm just jealous.
- Of what?

She has the capacity
to be so humane.

I deserve a better
death than this.

Okay, well, look.

Then you better start
brainstorming and shit

because these are
trying times, guera.

If I can get free I'll fuckin'
choke these jotos out.

Well, maybe you should have
choked these jotos out

when they were
holding us all hostage.

What'd you want me to do,
drop those dudes right there and

- have 'em cut her head off?
- Just stand and deliver.

What?
That movie's about calculus.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I think there's something
that could help.

Spit it out.

Okay, um, sometimes
on rare occasions,

like birthdays, holidays, barbecues,
I'll do a little bit of coke.

But I swear to god,

I feel so goddamn
guilty afterwards it's like,

what's the point of doing
it in the first place?

Because it's fun and it
makes me feel good, that's why.

All right, you just say three
hail Marys and get on with it.

Okay, fine! I hide my stash
in my panties, okay?

So it's in there
with a razor blade.

You have a razor blade
in your drawers?

Yes, Hector. My utter lack
of common sense just became

- our best chance at not dying.
- Now andele arriba.

Okay, but this could get hairy.

Eww. Try again.
I just got a Brazilian.

It's practically winter.

Just hurry, fucker!

You be gay as the day is long.

You spread your wings
and you fly, you fly gaily.

But be careful.

Please be careful
out there because it's,

I don't know, but I think
the scene is complicated

and there's always a secret
language and mores

and things that you'll
have to know, you know?

And I just want you to be happy and...
Think about me sometimes.

Like on yom kippur.
Or my birthday.

Hola.

Aque tal? Acomo estas?

Fuck! Okay! Stand up.

Dude, you make me go under there

and I am going to
fucking neuter you.

Oh! Whoa.

Wha... oh. Ah. Ah.

Good boy.

Now, split your legs,
arms out to the side.

Wait, wait, wait. Listen.

Uh, I am a hemophiliac,
so that... you may...

That may alter your strategies.

Uh, uh. No fucking way.

You mean a... a bleeder?
Are you serious?

Do not fuck with me.

Are you a bleeder?

Ah, it's not a hundred percent.

But I am fairly certain that
I am the kind of man

that would clot
properly under duress!

I don't even know what
to do right now.

You are like a deer that got hit
by a suburban and didn't die,

and then some asshole
truckers came by,

flipped a bitch, parked,
got out,

pissed on you swordfight-style

while your little deer legs
jerked this way and that,

I mean... look at yourself!

I'm sorry,
but you are just too pathetic.

I wouldn't go easy on you for
all the tea in China, because...

Fuck China.

Ow! You fucking fraggle!

- Oh, I just died in your arms tonight
- what?

Fuck. Get it out of there,
just get it already! Fuck.

If I get swamp ass from
all this running around,

- you're gonna wish you were...
- Oh! Oh, my god! Oh!

Oh, my god, right there!

Last supper. I can dig it.

What are you do...
What the fuck are you doing?

Oh, I was wrong

oh, I just died
in your arms tonight

it must've been
something you said

I just died in your arms tonight

oh, I, I just died...

Ow. Aah!

Au revoir, mon ami.

Psst.

I know it's unpleasant,

but do you remember
the deal we talked about?

You mean the one
where I get to live?

- Yes, sir.
- I have seen all of your faces.

This is true.

We'll have to use
the honor system.

I trust you. Anson?

Oh, yeah. He makes a mean nacho.

I think I could
learn to trust him.

You think I believe
this nonsense?

I do this for my friends!

Because at least this way
I can make them into

something glorious
and delectable.

That is the gift
I have been given.

And that is the least
I can do for them!

For you, I spit!

I spit on the ground
where you stand!

- Awesome.
- That was really awesome.

He was real,
the spitting was real.

- That was really well played.
- That's more like it.

Now we're gonna switch gears

from the raw to
the perfectly broiled.

And I was thinking roast,
but we don't have all night.

So why don't you grab the meat

you think would
be the most tender

and then do something
with a mole sauce?

- It's only right.
- It's just.

And don't be shy about
experimenting a little, okay?

We're game for it,
believe you me.

However, under no circumstances

are you to put
basil in anything.

If you use basil, I will turn
you inside out, literally.

Am I clear?

- Oui.
- Great.

I need ingredients, you corporal
of the devil's royal army.

Well, then you make your
list and then check it twice.

Aah! Ahh! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Wait! I have a moped.

I have a moped!
I'll do anything!

You made me bleed.

No, no you give me
too much credit, i-i-i...

Dirty birdie, time to fly.

Ow!

Clap your hands

clap your hands

that pinche guera.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, hit a man while he's down.

Speaks volumes to your character,
pinche puta gringa.

I'm sorry.
I don't speak poverty.

Now, keep an eye on this wanker.

If he wakes up and
starts whining again,

I'm gonna cut one
of his ears off...

And hold you two horny
little toads responsible.

She tastes nice.

Do you think that Bert's
constant misfortunes

are a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Or do you believe that a person
could just be cursed or damned?

Hector. Focus!

Jump in the air.

Jump in the air.

Ah, ah, this... this is horrid.

It was next on chuy's list.

He just redid the upstairs and
the unisex bathroom, so...

Nice! Yeah, he seemed
like a good dude.

Probably still be kicking it if

he hadn't stepped up
all man-styles like that.

But that probably doesn't bring
you much comfort, now does it?

Okay, anyhoo, uh,
we need some...

"Sea salb."

What the fuck is "sea salb"?

Salt, maybe?

Oh. Oh, that's good.
"White panto beans"?

Look at this nonsense.

This guy can't spell for shit.

"Post-granates"?
I mean, come on, bro.

Uh, uh, like, if you're gonna
live off the old American dollar

- at least learn how to spell "salt."
- Well, there is the stress factor,

what with the medieval
collar and chain and all,

plus he has to cook his friends.

Okay, shit, man. That's fair.

I don't know.

I think we have all this stuff,
except for the pomegranates.

The oregano and the
paprika are over there.

Whoa. Little baskets.

Wait, what the...
The army of Portugal cipher,

the simplest code ever
used during wartime.

Everybody knows that.

Who the fuck is
allergic to basil?

Flan is really weird.

I don't know whether
I like it or dislike it.

Something smells good
over there though.

I'm so glad you approve,
you witch bride of hecate.

What did you just call me?

Five minutes, you guys.

Five minutes to get roz's
quasi-orthopedic fucking shoe

off of her bloated-ass foot.

Goddamn triple knot.

I caught the mouse.

Yeah, you did, baby.
Where is he now?

Soaking in his own sauce.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

Now, are you gonna
pull your own weight,

or do I have to do all
your shit for you too?

No, I already did. I halved her.

Yannick can take her
ass from here, literally.

There are no lentils
anywhere, okay?

This is... this is pure chaos.

There's like spices with herbs,
and just like boxes full of just shit.

Ha.

Uh, hello. You got some, like,

"manchurian candidate"
shit going on in there?

- No, I'm good.
- All right, look. I know that it...

It doesn't seem ideal but,

uh, I'm actually a
pretty good listener.

So, if, you know,

if you have some stuff that's
bothering you that's, you know,

like not directly related to
the bind that you're in here...

I mean, you know, baby ears.

Well, I guess... I guess deep
down I was kind of hoping

you would figure it out on
your own, that you would...

I don't know,
that you would just kind of feel it.

Feel what?

I think I might be
crushing on you a little bit.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Well, you know,
that's kind of normal.

You've heard of
Patty hearst, right?

No. Um, yeah, yes.

But no, not like that.

Like this.

Okay. Okay, uh,
complete transparency.

I met a girl today and I haven't
been able to stop thinking

about her since
I got here and...

Uh, okay, don't get me wrong.

I don't have like herds
of women, you know,

that I'm fending off every...
You know.

So, like, you don't...

You don't think I'm like
a complete psychopath?

Can I be completely
frank with you?

Yes, be frank,
be completely frank.

I mean, sure,
it's completely depraved

and demented what
you're doing here,

and while bearing witness to

my very good friends'
grisly executions

have scarred me for eternity,
I do have a confession to make.

You have a confession?

Oh, bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

Oh, yes, you're blessed.

See... the naked truth
is that I also find your

complete lack of inhibition and
unbridled, primal conditioning

exhilarating and fiercely erotic.
You must be German.

I-I-I am German.
I'm a German-American.

How'd you know that?

I felt it. Oh, my god.

My heart is beating so fast
right now I think I might swoon.

Oh, my god.
My heart is so jacked up too.

Mm-hmm.
And right now I just know.

You just know?

Yeah, beyond a
shadow of a doubt.

- Oh, that's so airtight.
- Yeah, it's really intense.

- Can I ask you something?
- Of course, god.

What exactly are
you talking about?

- Fate.
- Oh, fate.

- Brought us together.
- So mysterious.

Because I guess
I could put the thing

with Bethany on hold... mm-hmm.

Oh, fuck.

I hate that bitch Mimi and
the way she talks down to you.

I hate that bitch.

Yeah.
She is a bad person, right?

Yeah, but not you.
You're a romantic.

I am. I'm totally a romantic.

Oh, it's been such a hard year.

It really has.

I mean Mimi's totally
thrown off the mix.

And I'm just not
sure how much longer

I'm cut out for this
game, you know?

It's getting way harder
to find places without

security systems or windows.
I don't know.

Oh, no. I've said too much.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You haven't said enough.

Yeah. Yeah, pinch it really hard,
right on the bottom.

Like Lou ferrigno.

Goddamn it, Hector,
what is taking so long?

This razor blade's
all dulled down.

How much blow were you chopping
with this thing, gringa?

It's been a long
semester, Hector.

Like you're a bastion
for lawful behavior.

At least I don't have
a permanent record.

Hey. That stings, all right?
I've turned a corner.

I take all my hostilities
in the ring now.

It's called an outlet.

Okay, well, congratulations.
You're all growns-up.

Come watch me fight if you want.

Lots of times they
serve snow cones.

Plus I'm undefeated.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You fight any black dudes?

Yeah. Like, three.

So you, uh...

You want to maybe, um,
go on a date with me?

Like a proper date if we...
If we don't croak tonight?

You're, like, old enough to have

been kicked out of menudo.

So are you saying
there's a chance or...

Yes. I mean, yeah.
What the fuck.

You've already
been to third base.

Yeah.

As long as we don't have
to eat Mexican food.

No, no. We can, uh,
do Korean barbecue?

Yeah. Cool.
That sounds really nice.

If you close your eyes
and you still feel the demons

chewing at your brain
and gnawing your shoe

just tell them to go
and find someone...

Where do you stand on purees.
Purees are general.

Oui, oui.

Your puree is out of luck.
More of a standard mash...

What's happening to me?

- Am I dead?
- Pipe down, gay Sammy.

We're in the middle
of a powwow here.

Okay, okay, sorry.

Wait. Sir?

I'm gonna bleed to death maybe.

Just shut your ass and
think of something plush.

Chewbacca. Chewbacca.

Mm, yeah

I used to think
maybe you loved me

now, baby, I'm sure

holy crusty moly.
That is a rump roast, yannick.

Baby got back!

That is tender as fuck!

What the fuck.
What the fuck, baby.

Mm-mm-mm. My butt's in the air.

My butt's in the air
for this one, baby. Mmm!

Tender as the night.

- Bam, motherfucker!
- Bam, motherfucker!

Yannick, seriously, dude.
Spill the beans.

Why are you working here,
man, why?

Hey! Oh, you guys
started eating without me?

Hop in here, brother.

All right, well,
I've got some white panto beans.

No dearth of those around.
Whoa, hey!

You hung the stray upside down.
That's kind of neat.

Kind of an homage to the
traditional Mexican pifiata.

Mmm! Mmm!

- Is it not on point, man?
- Holy shit!

And you know,
we'd be halfway through

prepping the next entree
if you weren't

in the pantry
for a fucking hour.

Why were you in there
for so long, man?

Well, I need to cool
it down with you

and have a little sidebar asap,
asap, as soon as possible.

Well, pumpkin, uh,
I will be back in a flash.

Keep an eye on quarterback
Princess, will you?

I got this.

The bartender pulled out
her sweater pups and

- you split the diff, didn't you?
- I didn't split the difference...

- Come on.
- But check this out.

- She put her finger in my mouth space.
- And you bit it off.

She put her finger
in my mouth space.

- And you bit her finger off.
- No, brother. That's the kicker.

- Proceed.
- Our sociopathic behavior and

our fetish for human
flesh makes her all horny.

She used the word
horny from the '70s?

Talk about looking for the
fastball and getting hosed...

- Ooh.
- With the knuckle curve.

- Sports.
- She gave me the kissy face.

She gave you the kissy face?

She gave me the kissy face.

She gave you the kissy face!

She gave me the
kissy face, she gave me...

She gave you the kissy face!

Wait a minute, what about brittney
from the convenience store?

- Come on.
- Bethany, Bethany.

- Bethany. Bethany lynne goolsby.
- Sweet.

You see, brother?
This is what I'm saying.

It's too much. Two in one day?

Yeah, well,
it's too much for any man.

No, no, h was shvitzing.

- Is my face hot?
- It looks flush.

You should hydrate
with some electrolytes.

Well, buddy.
I'm not blind, you know.

It's been tough on you since
I brought Mimi into the mix.

I love you, and I'm grateful to
you for making this transition.

Hey. It makes me proud.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, here I am,
the big brother,

and you know I'm always
coming to you for stuff.

- No.
- No, it should be

- the other way around, you know?
- Don't be ridiculous.

Who taught me how
to play the mandolin?

I did.

Who taught me how to
play the mouth harp?

- Me.
- Who taught me how to play

the theremin?

- That was dad.
- Shit. That was dad.

Shit.

But the mandolin.

- Yeah, that was all you.
- Well, you've got the gift.

Thank you very much,

but pretty soon we're both
gonna have nice girls, okay?

And we're gonna be
playing folksy tunes

for them at our anniversaries.

But in the meantime I just
want you to be cautious, okay?

This Bethany girl seems
like a real sweetheart,

but the powder puff chick...

- Oh, come on.
- I don't know.

It's just like you
and Mimi last year.

Well, we met under
similar circumstances,

but it was clear from the get-go
that the mimes was on the level.

Yeah, that's the understatement
of the young millennium.

- Meaning what?
- Meaning, bro, put her on a leash!

- Aww.
- No.

She's like the Marquis
de sade with asperger's.

Part woman, part razorback.

Just a little bit, but-but-but
just try walking in her shoes

for a second, would you?

- I won't.
- Just try it.

- I won't!
- Try it for me right now.

- This moment.
- Fine, I will.

Thank you.
She's a bit taller. Can you...

All right, I can do that.

Straighten your back.
Yeah. The swan-like neck.

- Oh, yeah. Aah! Aah!
- Now what is that?

Why are you doing that?

Well, you gotta imagine
fire coming out of my mouth.

No, no, no.
This is an exercise in empathy.

Now you're mocking my girlfriend.
Come back to me.

This is her maiden voyage, okay?

She's trying to find
a place on the team.

She's nervous, she's defensive.

She's overcompensating
just a little bit.

You've heard me say this before.

There are no substitutes
for brown sugar or...?

- Enthusiasm.
- You got it.

I got it.
Okay, but you know what?

I am just a little scared
she might kill me in my sleep.

There is no way
that would happen.

Because if it did,
I would kill her right back.

And then I would
gouge her eyes out,

and then I would pickle your
head and put it on a stick

so you would always be with me.

I'm getting to Greek tragedy now.
It's a bit trite. I'm sorry.

All right, so what's
my play with kerry?

Should I put gum in her hair?

- No, don't do that.
- All right.

What you want to do is
you want to spend some time with her,

you want to find
out if she's legit.

But remember she's your
responsibility, brother, okay?

You got the ball, so...

- See if she's the belle.
- Thank you.

You had some
fun with roz here, huh?

I did that for you, big brother.

Hey, roz, we're gonna
go in the other room.

You gonna hang here?

Hi-yah!

See?
That's what I'm talking about.

Yannick? I know you and
roz were bosom buddies.

- She was one of a kind.
- My sentiments exactly.

Be a shame to waste
these getaway sticks.

They're like freaking redwoods.

You like, uh, chili?

Does the pope shit in the woods?

Ooh!
We got plans for those dogs?

Look, this piggy went to the market,
stayed for lunch.

I could use these in the
next immunity challenge.

Trick or treat,
smell these feet.

Oh, my goodness.
I love that idea.

Take your girl, get it started.

All right, campers.

Before each of you is one
of roz's thick-ass tootsies

that I hacked off like a champ.

And the game is, lean in nice

and gnaw through
your designated foot.

The first one to hit bone wins

a bathroom break
and a shot of baileys!

We don't have baileys.

- Shit! Do we have Frangelico?
- Yes.

And a shot of Frangelico!

That is unlike anything
I have ever tasted,

yet still undeniably
chili-esque.

Babe, you gotta try this.

My squeaky toy passed out.
Can we set him on fire?

- No.
- Like... friendly fire.

Please.

Come on, take a little nibble.
Touch that toe.

Eat that toe.
Look at that big toe.

You haven't ever
tried it before.

How do you know
you don't like it?

Well, how about you, Hector?
Get in there! You're the man!

If anyone can do this,
Hector can!

Come on, babe!
I feel like all alone out here.

You wanna get in on this?

I feel like you're really
holding back on me.

Oh, yeah. Come on, slut!
Eat it! Do it!

What the fuck,
you sellout bitch?

- I hate you!
- Oh, this is so fucking awesome!

See? That's nice.
We make out like that.

Oh, yeah! Yeah! All right.

Come on, Hector! Don't hold back!
Don't be a little bitch!

Like you didn't chow
on worse shit in prison.

Oh, shit! Oh, snap!

This is how they do it in
matamoros. Pinche! Oh!

Hector! No, no, Hector! No more.
He's unconscious.

- We've gotta get out of here!
- Fucking untie me now, please!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay. Oh. Here's my pitch. Okay.

Chuy just installed that little
a.C. Unit in the wall upstairs.

We push it out and maybe
we can get out through the hole.

Holy shit! That's amazing. Yes.

Wait, wait, wait.
What about yannick?

- He's alive. So is Bert.
- Bert's on his own. No.

Look. Okay, look.

You two get out of here,
all right?

Call the cops, don't look back.
I got this.

Hector, wait!
Please, please be careful!

I will not go out with you
if you're dead or all fucked-up looking!

Oh. Whoa!
Did he just beat me with a foot?

Yeah, but you're okay,
thank god.

Cricket! Cricket, you all right?

Come on!

You ready to squabble, mexicali?

Not in front of the ladies.

Oh, well, fine then.
Let's take it upstairs.

There's more real
estate down here, bitch.

Well, but I really need to tinkle
before I beat you to death.

- Wish me luck, babe.
- Luck.

After you, tito santana.

This is turning
into a snooze fest.

We have killed, like,
like, two people.

Why don't you just...
Just try the fuckin' chili?

Whoo! That's more like it.

Oh, man,
look at this big long table

right in the middle
of our thunder dome.

Yeah, it's for
quinceafieras and shit.

You don't look so hot,
lord of the flies.

Yeah, it's bizarre.

I get this pressure
behind my ears, yannick.

Followed by a swelling
of the lymph nodes

and a gradual closing
of the windpipe.

I do not follow you,
old scratch.

Give me that list, man.

Give me the list!

- Ha!
- Got it, got it, got it.

Ha! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
I knew you were full of shit!

Ha! I pulled exactly the
same move last year!

The difference is I walked
the fucking walk!

- What the fuck happened to your accent?
- I know. It's good, huh?

Stefan is a total fucking
sucker for a British chick.

So you're actually two
psychos for the price of one.

What a fucking bargain!

I guess.

Oh, that's nice.

We doing this like men or like
pussies with axes and shit?

Yah!

No. No. I'm sorry.
That was... that was mean.

Here,
I'll leave this right there.

"Sea salb" and "post-granates."

It's the army
of Portugal cipher.

So simple.

Oh, fuck.

You snuck a dash of basil
in there, didn't you, yannick?

I myself have dabbled in
the business of diabolique.

- Surely you jest.
- A culinary prodigy like myself.

How else do you explain me
working in this casket of shat?

I have been asking you
that shit all night, yannick!

You withholding asshole!

What the fuck is she doing?

I don't know, but you being
in front of me feels right.

Ooh! Ah.

Okay! I float like a butterfly,
sting like a...

I used to have my own
bistro in laguna beach.

Only one house rule.
Absolutely no substitutions.

Aah! Oh, yeah.

Nice on, cabron. Landed flush.

Yeah, it did.

It was a Thursday.

I was of course in the kitchen

preparing a
six-course fugu feast

featuring the
exotic puffer fish.

- That's the poisonous one.
- Oui.

This idiot insists
that the fugu skin

be drizzled with ponzu
sauce for added flavor.

Yannick, you're gonna
need to cap this story, bro.

I gotta castrate you
before my face implodes.

All right.

Disco.

Bloodbath.

Boogie.

Somehow, poison from
the liver of the puffer fish

made it into the zosui.

One bite later the son
of a bitch was dead.

Oops.

Well, butter my biscuit,
yannick,

because you broke
my one and only rule.

And you know what that means.

Fevefl

Come on! Come on!

Fuck you, bitch!

Sorry, kerry!

Getting on this bitch
was a bad fucking idea!

All right, this is lame Baggins.

How does that feel, yannick?
Tell me how that feels.

I'm sending you home, man.

You like it? Do you like...

Oh, shit!

When disc-goes to hell

that's where we 're at,
where we 're at

- You're like a cockroach!
- I'm a cricket!

Ow! Why would you do that, man?

Okay, okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay!

Hey, why don't you pick on
someone your own size?

Huh.

Disco this

disco that

disc-goes to hell

that's where we 're at,
where we 're at

shut your eyes, liberace!

We clearly had a
falling-out, yannick!

No, no, no, no!
Shit! Shit! Shit!

Fuck, kerry, I'm sorry!
You were supposed to fucking hold her!

I'm sorry! Get up! Get up!

Well, you really blew
the shit out of that one.

Now, how shall we do this?

Is there a single scenario
where I don't die?

Fine.

But no more blood, seriously.

I can respect that.

No holds barred, joto.

Please tell me you've
seen "road house."

You think this is fuckin' funny,
you sick son of a bitch?

I do now.

Oh, fuck. Whoo!

Well, that totally worked.
Yeesh.

Oh, fuck.

It's time for one of us to die.
You know this.

- Fuck yeah.
- But which one?

I nominate me...
And vote for me.

Fuck! Ow!

You don't call anymore

you don't knock on this door

just picture you

out there without me

breaks my heart...

Oh, god, cricket.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

Oh, god, fuck.

Update:
Miss behavin' ran outta air.

Cry baby

I am

cry baby...

Oh, it's hard to
take you seriously

with that humongous camel toe.

You're not funny, you asshole!

I have a long labia!
It's genetic!

This is what it
feels like to die.

Now go to hell, and take
your giant pussy with you.

Ah. Ha. This is for cricket.

Yeah. I'm not sure if Mimi
recovers from that one.

Yeah, she'd really
worn out her welcome.

Yeah. Well, trust me.

You just saved Stef a fuck-load
in couples therapy.

I'm sorry about cricket.
You okay?

Yea h. Never better.

I'm assuming you
took care of Hector?

Uh, yeah.
Kid had chutzpah though.

And a hell of a ground attack.
Yep, that's my bone.

The kid got cocky though.

He tried to bust out
some old-school Swayze.

The kind of mistake he
could have learned from

if I hadn't turned his skull
into a kayak.

Come hold hands with me.

Uh, y-yeah.

Whoa!

Kriss kross will make you...
Jump, jump, jump-

oh, bro!

It looks like you... you took
some lumps there too, huh?

You got a big ol' pumpkin head.

Oh, all right. Brace yourself.

I got some tough news.
Mimi's dead.

I know, I know.

- "Babil."
- I know... babil.

"Babil."

I know... she's a sweet,
sweet babil, but listen.

We're gonna miss her.

But I gotta tell you she didn't
deserve you, okay, man?

I'm not afraid to say it.

No, you... you have so much
more to offer than that.

"Babil"! "Babil"!

Sea salb. Panto beans?

I mean, we brought up
everything they had.

Hmm! The army of
porthugal cipher.

- |-|...
- The army of porthugal cipher!

-Uhn - she did this!

I can't understand
what he's saying.

Can you? Can you understand?

I think what he's trying to
say is that I'm the only one

who could have
delivered the basil.

No, Stef! Stef, no! Breathe!
Breathe! Breathe, Stef!

Aah!

You fuckin' bitch!

You lied to me!
I trusted you and you lied to me!

Yeah, guilty as charged.

I'm not really attracted
to dickless cannibals.

That's not true! I have a dick!

I'm gonna fuckin'
kill you, I swear!

Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

Oh, Stef! Stef, breathe!

Breathe!
I'm here, little brother!

You're okay! It's okay!
Just breathe!

Hey! Please! Please!
Please! Please!

I don't know what to do.
I'll do anything.

He needs an airway.
Tracheotomy time.

Well, you're... you know!
You're a paramedic!

You, it's your responsibility!
You have to help!

Yeah, I don't start 'til Monday.

It's okay. That's okay.
It's okay, Stef. No, no.

I'll be here with you,
little brother.

It's okay. I'll...

It's okay. I'm with you, bro.

I'm right here.
Don't be scared, okay?

I'll stay right here with you.

Okay. Come on, come on.
You've gotta help me, Bert.

- You're an oak, remember?
- Oh, yeah.

- I cannot carry you up the stairs.
- Well, I'm sorry!

I don't know why
I'm still alive either!

It doesn't add up!

Fuck!

Well, that's not
gonna do anything.

Are you out of your fucking mind?
He's got an axe!

- Fuck! Just...
- Hurry! Hurry!

I got it. I got it.
Okay, okay, okay.

What is it? Did you get a gun?

- Shut up.
- What is that?

Well, have you ever
used one of those before?

- Bert, seriously, shut up!
- Did you see a manual in there?

Oh, my god.

Listen, if that backfires,
it could be very dangerous!

Hurry up with that!

You killed my brother.

Yeah, she killed both brothers,
you dickweed. Ha-ha!

I'm gonna have to soak my
finger in vinegar for a week.

Now burn in hell
and shame the devil,

you kraut-Berry-gib-iookin'
motherfucker.

That was awesome.

All right, come on, Bert.
Let's go.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
I mean, he's dead!

Why are we hurrying now?

- Come on, come on, come on!
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Come on.

You're all right.
Come on, buddy. You can do it.

Okay. All right.

Oh. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, god.
That's just fuckin' ghastly.

This is the scene of the crime.

Oh, fuck.

This is where
laundrette said no.

It's all right, Bert.
There are other fishes in the sea.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, like,
what are you up to, kerry?

- Not me, Bert. Not me.
- Well, you said that really fast!

Come on, you son of a bitch!
Come on! Got it!

Look at you. You're so athletic.

Right. All right, Bert, come on.

It's you and me, pal.
Come on, Bert.

You can do it. Come on.

- Ow! God.
- Come on.

- Okay.
- It's so small!

Oh, you're small too.
More like the bonsai than an oak

when you really get
down to it. Okay.

Oh! Oh, it's wonderful!
Oh, I'm flying!

You're not flying, Bert!
Stay focused!

Laundrette!
My beautiful laundrette, you came!

Who are you talking to, Bert?

A woman hung me upside down
and hit me with a frying pan.

Get down here so
I can sit on your head bush!

- Baby?
- Fly to me, Bert!

Here I come, my love!

Brace yourself for
the landing, Bert!

Bert! Bert, are you okay...

Oh, god!

Oh, my god! Oh, fuck!

Oh, my god! I can't...

Kerry?
These chairs are not cool!

Oh! Jesus Christ.

Kerry!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, fuck!

That's for Stef! Oh, fuck!

Wait! I'm coming too!

Bert, I'm gonna take your Vespa.

Ha! I beat you! I won!

Wait! Wait! Come back!

I have something really
cool to tell you! Seriously!

Ah! Ha-ha-ha!
We reap what we sow!

We got her, bro. We got her.

Oh, dear god! What have we done?

We're supposed to save lives,
not... not...

Holy shit.

Kerry derzius?

Delroy, bring all the
stuff we need, man!

- I know this chick!
- Jesus!

What, you... you know my name?

You bet your ass I do. It's me.
It's me, Marty clement.

Uh, we went through
training together.

Am I gonna die?

'Cause that would
be really ironic.

All right, listen.

I want you to sit
tight for me, okay?

You sit tight right here.
I'll be right back.

And then I'm gonna be with
you for the rest of time.

Hey, man!
What are you waitin' for?

I have a real shot over there!
You're gonna blow it for me!

Marty! Marty!
It never go down, sir.

You no see me.
I smoke from 1:00 in the mornin'.

Man, are you... are you
telling me you're still high?

Look upon my eyes, my brethren.

Sweet Christ. Put those back on!

All right, listen.
Here's the deal.

I'll say I was driving, all right?
That's the plan.

- I was behind the wheel.
- Yo, sir. One.

- Uh, what?
- Me owe you one.

You're goddamn
right you do, man!

Just, um, help me
get her on the thing!

Yeah, man.

All right, kerry.
I'm right here. I'm right here.

- Wait. No. He's gone.
- Shh. Shh.

- He's... no, he's still in the...
- Kerry. Shh.

- You have to save your breath.
- No, no, he's g...

- No, focus on your breathing.
- He's alive. He's alive.

- You know this drill.
- He's not...

- You pick a focal point.
- Please.

- Look at my mouth.
- Don't...

At my mouth. Fuckin' mouth!

We're gonna lift on three.
One, two... oh!

Fuck! Son of a bitch!

All right! We're moving!

- Sorry, man!
- We're moving!

Oh, my god! Oh, god.

Deck the halls
with boughs of Holly

sowing the seeds of love...

I know,
I know, but you're my brother.

You have to say that.

Oh, this is absurd.
My palms are sweaty.

What, am I like 13?

Shoot me that
fly boy smile again.

Thanks, bro.
I'd be so lost without you.

Okay, wish me luck.

Indubitably.

In-du-bi-tab... indu...

Would you like a bag for that?

I think we both know the
answer to that question...

Bethany lynne goolsby.

Anson! You came back!

But what happened to your
face and arm and things?

I have thought long
and hard about this.

And I feel that it is a story
best suited... for another time.

I can and will tell you
that I now have to poop

into a colostomy bag...
Possibly forever.

I hope this is
not a deal breaker.

Don't be ridiculous.

This is for you.

I love it!

Well, the ball is officially
in your court now,

Bethany lynne goolsby.

Is it gonna be one spoon,
or two?

Fa, iah, iah-iah-iah,

lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

Fa, iah, iah-iah-iah,

lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

Lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

Deck the halls
with boughs of Holly

'tis the season to be jolly

Don we now our gay apparel

troll the ancient yule tide Carol

Sing we joyous, all together

heedless of the wind and weather

fah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah-iah

Fah-iah-iah-iah-iah

Fah, iah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah

lah-iah-iah, iah-iah-iah...

Try to bite my tongue

try to hold my breath

try to keep everything to myself

well, you shot
a big poison arrow

and it scares me to death

but I can't think of nobody else

I've been dying to tell you

how you turn my head around

Breathless

fighting for air

falling to my knees

but I can't speak

baby, you're leaving me

breathless

if music is

the food of love

we 'ii play on and on

and on and on and on

some people say

that love's a feast

you only know it's good
when it's gone

yeah

I've been dying to tell you

how you take my breath away

Breathless

fighting for air

falling to my knees

and I can't speak

baby, you're leaving me

breathless

fighting for air

falling to my knees

oh, I can't speak

baby, you're leaving me

breathless.