All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S01E17

Dryin' dishes, yeah.
[whistling]

Man, Charles has been
so happy and confident

Ever since he hooked up
with that professor

At the captain's party.

[both panting]

She has tenure,
and also has ten years,

Times two,
older than him.

That sucked.
Yeah.

It's nice to see him
like this.

(Terry)
he's so confident.

This morning, he finally
corrected the barista

When she called him "Charlize."

He's been living as
"Charlize Broil" for five years.

It's great.
It's all so great.

He could take it down,
just a smidge.

♪ if you like pina coladas

Dead guy, Charles.
Sorry.

But whatever,
I can handle the singing.

I'm just so happy
for that guy.

It's about time
he caught a break.

Sexy train is
leaving the station.

Check out this caboose.

Later, sluts.

Just let him have it.

Great job, Boyle.

[upbeat music]

♪

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

Peralta, where are we
with the black cab holdups?

Well--
I got this, Jakey.

Oh, all right.
Have at it, man.

(Gina)
nice jeans, Boyle.

Those are surprisingly
low-waisted.

Eyes up here, Gina.

I'm more than just
a piece of ass.

(all)
ooh.

[Chuckles]
not bad, not bad.

An unlicensed cab driver's
been picking up tourists.

Driverakeshe vics
down under the b.Q.E.,

Robs 'em at gunpoint,
leaves them stranded.

Unfortunately, because
they're tourists,

And our perp
is not caucasian,

We don't have a clear idea
of what he looks like.

He was either Latino,
Arab, or Mexican.

Either way, very Muslim.

We'll go undercover,
dress as out-of-towners,

Hope the perp picks us up.

Don't worry, sarge,
we'll nail this guy.

I can't believe
I was just

Briefly attracted to Boyle.

Ugh. Ugh!

A Mr. Brain Jensen
here to see you, sir.

- It's Brian.
- Mm, not according to this note

I wrote on my hand
very quickly: "brain."

Captain Holt, we recently met
at the African-American

Gay and Lesbian New York City
Policeman's Association.

Uh, yes, that name
is quite a mouthful.

Just call it the "AAGLNYCPA".

Your organization has
meant so much to me.

Uh, well, it's not
my organization.

I mean, I did found it
and I've been president

For the last 25 years
and I oversee every detail,

But really,
it's our organization.

It's yours.

And out of respect for you
and everything

That you've done,
I wanted to stop by

And let you know I'll be
running for president.

I hate to run against you,

But I have some ideas
for change that'll

Bring AAGLNYCPA
into the 21st century.

I see.

Well, it's been good
meeting you.

And, uh, I wish you the
very best. Thank you.

Good-bye, brain.

It's--it's Brian.
[Chuckles]

Very nice man.

Yes, he is.

Now, let's figure out
how to...

Destroy him.

How'd the interview
with the victim go?

It went okay.

The guy was from Canada,
said it was probably

His fault for getting robbed,

And apologized
for wasting my time.

[Chuckles]
oh, Canada.

Truly odie to america's
garfield. Mm-hmm.

Hey, what are you doing
tomorrow night?

I think I can get us
some nets tickets.

No go, amigo.

Tomorrow is Vivi's and
my big 20-day anniversary.

I'm pulling out
all the stops.

Dinner at Le Bonbon,

With 300 roses
at the table.

No. Oh, man.

Then a gondola ride
along the Gowanus Canal.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
And then, a Skywriter's

Gonna write,
"Charles loves V."

I couldn't afford
her full name.

Okay, first of all,
"Charles loves V"

Means something very specific

And, I'm gonna guess,
not what you're intending.

But more importantly,
you're going full Boyle.

[scoffs]
What? I am not.

What's full Boyle?
Anytime Charles gets

Into a new relationship,
he gets way too intense

Way too fast, and it always
ends in heartbreak.

We met on the subway,

Went out to dinner,
and I told her love her.

And my mom was so happy.

And then the barbershop quartet
I hired started to sing.

And then she broke up with me.
And then she broke up with you.

[crying]
Yes!

Oh, Joanna, no!

[crying]
Courtney!

[crying]
Rhonda!

I know when
I'm going full Boyle.

Trust me, this is different.

I have it under control.

Gotta go, Jakey.
[sighs]

Excuse me.

Are you a detective?

Oh, uh, who's asking?

I'm Super Dan,

Scourge of
Brooklyn's underworld,

And I need to talk
to an officer of the law.

I'm busy right now,
working on this...Excuse.

I think Santiago's free.

Hi.

I'm Super Dan.

And I have a crime to report.

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry.

I literally just retired.

This is my retirement cake.
Mmm.

Thanks, you guys.
I'm gonna miss this place.

Why aren't you guys
taking me seriously?

Your cape and your tights,

And your name is Super Dan,

And I can kinda
see your penis.

And it's just all
a rich tapestry.

Yeah, well, I'm a citizen.

I'm from this neighborhood.

So the only reason
I'm wearing this costume

Is so when I'm fighting crime,,

People will respect
my authority.

How's that working out
for you?

Detectives, when a citizen
comes in off the street,

It is NYPD policy
to take a statement.

This isn't enough
of a statement?

Yes, I wanted to inquire

About renting out
the statue of liberty

For a romantic evening.

Mm-hmm.

Is there a bed
in the torch?

No? Okay.

I'll get back to you.

Hey there, Charles.

I thought maybe we should
have a little chat

About how crazy
you're acting,

And how you're blowing this
beyond repair.

Are you really qualified
to give romantic advice?

You're not exactly the king
of mature relationships.

Fair enough.
But I would argue

That I am like
a beautiful angel of love,

Who has trouble finding love
for himself.

Admit that you would
see that movie.

I would.

Thank you for honesty.

But this is not about me.

It's about Charles.

I've seen this before,
buddy, and it is bad.

Jake, I'm nowhere near
full Boyle.

Then prove it.
Just push your

Anniversary dinner one night.

Say, "Vivian, tomorrow
doesn't work for me.

Can we reschedule?"

If this will convince you,
more than happy.

No problem.
Great.

Voice mail.

God, I love how she says
the words, "you've reached."

Hi, Vivi. It's Chucklebunny.
Oof.

I'm just calling
about dinner tomorrow.

I can't wait to see you,

My luscious little
breakfast quiche.

I just wanna
draw you a bubble bath

And spoon-feed you caviar.

I think we should open up
a joint checking account.

I love you--
what am I doing?

It's okay. I hung up
right after "Chucklebunny."

Help me.
I've gone full Boyle.

I need to focus
on my reelection campaign.

Clear my schedule.

You really care about
this little club, huh?

It's not a club.
It's an organization

That I founded
over 25 years ago.

I'm proud to say we now
have 50 members.

But it wasn't so easy
in the beginning.

I'd like to request
discretionary funds,

To start an organization
supporting black

Gay and lesbian
police officers.

[laughter]

They never actually
said no,

So I just went ahead
and did it.

I've poured my heart and soul
into this organization.

And I'm not gonna just
give up the presidency.

You should make me
your campaign manager.

I was born for politics.

I have great hair
and I love lying.

Find out everything you can
about this Jensen.

I'll work on my speech.

How's this
for an opening joke?

You know what
the toughest part about

Being a gay black
police officer is?

The discrimination.

I believe that's what
you call observational humor.

Probably. That's great.

All right, let's go over
our disguise.

I am Herbert Goffleman
from San Diego.

I came here to stand
in the cold

Outside the today show,
holding a sign

With a misspelled word on it.
[Chuckles]

Oh, you know what?
You win.

That neon green fanny pack
screams, "gullible tourist."

It's mine.
I brought it from home.

Hey, can I have
my phone back, please?

Uh, no, because
you will call Vivian,

And you have the worst case

Of full Boyle I've ever seen.
What?

I found this, by the way.

You wrote "Mr. Charles Ludley"
over a thousand times.

Why would you
take her last name, Boyle?

[sighs]
look.

For the last two years,
I've been

Directing all my love at Rosa.

So my emotions just piled up.

And now with Vivian,
my feelings

Are springing out of me
like a fire hose.

Oh, that is overtly sexual.

Jake, I'm gonna ruin it.

You gotta help me.

All right, here's the plan.

I'll text Vivian
from your phone,

And tell her you want it
to be a double date.

That way, I can come with you
and hold your hand.

Well, then your hand
will be on her butt,

Because my hand
will be on her butt.

You gotta get it together, man.

I told you I need help!

Hey, can I get your file

On that atlantic avenue
drug ring?

Sarge gave me and Scully
the case.

What?
Oh!

Why did you do that?

I-I know I deserved it,
but why?

Sarge, you reassigned
our drug case?

Diaz and I have been
working it for three months.

Remember Super Dan?

The guy you ignored
and made fun of?

He's been perching
on rooftops at night,

Secretly taking photos
of drug deals.

He has thousands of images

And can I.D. The entire network
of dealers.

What?
But you refused

To take his statement,
because he had a cape on.

Luckily, Hitchcock
and Scully didn't mind.

I didn't even notice
he was wearing a cape.

You're a cop.
You should've noticed that.

We screwed up.
Message received.

Yep, be nicer to virgins.

She doesn't speak for me.

You're not getting
your case back.

Okay.

Here's what I found out
about our competition.

Brian Jensen, born 1899,

Served in the Navy
during World War I.

A hero at the Battle
of Scimitar Hill,

Jensen perished
in a factory fire

In the Netherlands.

This may be a different
Brian Jensen.

I've never been
in this position before.

I've always run unopposed.

If you wanna compete,
you're gonna have to have

A little more pizzazz.

A couple ideas for ya.

The obvious place to start
would be you,

In a silver suit,

With sunglasses
and roller skates--

The candidate of fun.

What's your second idea?
Nada.

Thought I had a slam dunk
on the first one.

Hi, there.

We'd like to go
to the Times Square.

We're brothers.

[text alert chimes]

We're all set for
the double date tonight.

Vivian's bringing
her friend Bernice.

Bernice?

That sounds like
a cartoon dump truck.

Whatever, that's probably
for the best.

I don't need any distractions.

My mission
is to protect you.

All right.

Hey, this guy's going
the right way.

We should get out
and try again.

You can let us off here.

We would like
to buy some bagels.

[southern accent] and where is
the sex and the city street?

We wanna see
where carrie and big live.

I'm a carrie.
I think I'm a carrie.

(both)
we're both carries.

All right, let's prepare
for the date tonight.

Here's the things you're not
allowed to talk about:

Love, poetry, music,
or passion.

We don't have
to talk at all.

I'll just stare into her eyes.

They're like little drops
of cilantro reduction

On lily-white flan.
Okay, no.

See, no food talk.

It sets off something primal

And disgusting
in both of you.

It makes me wanna barf.

You're right.
Look, if you feel like

You can't handle it,
we need a signal.

I'll do this.

[imitating gunshots]

And how would you
do that naturally?

I don't know.

This guy's clean,
by the way.

Can we pull over, please?

[deep breath]
there she is.

I don't know
if I can do this.

Listen to me.
I am with you all night.

And nothing will distract me

From my solemn vow
to protect you, okay?

Okay.

Vivian, you look beautiful.

I love your dress.
Aww.

You too, Charlie.
You look so handsome.

[giggles]

Steady, steady.

Jake, this is
my friend Bernice.

Oh, hello.
I'm jak-tractive.

Jak-tractive?

Yes, my parents were hippies.

Let's eat.

Okay, so, Jake,
You're a cop.

I wanted to be a cop
when I was a kid,

Mostly because
I love Die Hard.

Die hard, really?
Mm-hmm.

Well, that makes sense,
everyone loves that movie.

Oh, not like me.

I sleep in a Nakatomi Plaza
security t-shirt.

[Chuckles]
oh, no.

What kinda dogs do you like?

I mean, you know,
just hypothetically,

If we were to get a dog.

Oh, I love all dogs.

When I was a kid,
I had the cutest

golden retriever,
named Rufus.

That is the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.

I wanna meet him.

Charles, why don't you
tell Vivian

About the ten-day forecast?

Oh, good idea.

(Jake)
sorry about that.

So if you're not a cop,
then what do you do?

I'm in grad school.

I thought about maybe
being a sports reporter,

But it would be impossible
for me to be objective.

I love the Nets so much.

You're a Nets fan?
I love the Nets.

Oh, my god. This season has
been a disaster, right? Yes.

And everybody blames it Jason Kidd. Yes.

But it's like,
at a certain point,

Billy King is the one
who put the team together.

Yes.

(Vivian) [Chuckles] wow.

I love rainy days.
My mother loves rainy days.

You should meet her.

Excuse me.

[imitates gunshots]
our signal.

Uh, here's a question
for the group.

What is the longest funeral
you've ever attended?

Ladies first.

(Gina) on behalf
of captain Holt: Floorgasm.

[hip-hop music]

♪ hands in the air
fist pumpin' like champs ♪

♪ hands in the air
fist pumpin' like champs ♪

♪ hands in the air
fist pumpin' like champs ♪

♪ fist pumpin' like champs

♪ fist pumpin' like champs

♪

(Gina)
did you like it?

It was inspired
by the city of new York,

In that I stole it
from some kids

I saw dancing
on the subway station.

All of you, go home,
immediately.

[scoffs]

I appreciate the effort,
Gina, but I can't risk

Losing this election.

The AAGLNYCPA means too much.

Let me rehearse my speech.

Do you want a president
who struggled against all odds

To create
this great organization?

Or do you want
a great nothing

Who struggled against
nothing odds to create nothing

Yikes.

[door opens]

The meeting is beginning.

The stakes are
very high for me.

I'm getting nervous.

My stomach is in flux.

You know, in the court
of Louis XI,

Women would only eat consomme,
because

They were worried that

Chewing would
give them wrinkles.

I love it when you
talk broth.

Hey, Charles,
remember that dog

We found on the train tracks?

Was it inside-out
or just very badly burned?

Inside-out.
Yeah, 'cause there were

Things on the outside that

Definitely should've been
on the inside.

Definition of inside-out.

(Jake) bingo.
Uh, will you excuse us?

Bernice and I are gonna
use the ladies' room. Yeah.

Hurry back.
Oh, no.

Jake, I can't stop
looking at her butt.

Yeah, you are definitely
making her uncomfortable.

And this beautiful
basketball-loving

Die Hard fan is tearing down
my walls of defenses.

If we find out that
she is half-Jewish,

We are all doomed!

I know.
I borrowed the waiter's phone

When you weren't looking,
and bought me and Vivian

Plane tickets to Rome.
What?

We leave in two hours.

Terrible itinerary,
connect through Vietnam.

All right, just go home.
Get out of here and regroup.

I'll take care of everything.

I'll tell 'em it was
an emergency. Thank you.

Can you make it
a work emergency,

Not a bathroom one?

I kinda wanna make bathroom one.

[pounds table]

Sarge, you made your point.

We messed up.

But this is a big case,
and Hitchcock

And Scully are gonna
screw it up.

I'm sure they can handle it.

They have a combined
50 years of experience.

This morning I found
Scully's gun

In the freezer,
in the frozen yogurt.

I think he was using it
as a spoon.

The truth is,
I had to give 'em the case.

You insulted Super Dan.

He refuses to cooperate
with you.

We weren't that bad.

You told him his superpower
was being so embarrassing

That people
laughed themselves to death.

[Chuckles]
yeah.

For those of you
who don't know me,

I'm officer Brian Jensen.

[applause]

Listen to him talk.

He has no gravitas.

Do you know what gravitas
sounds like?

[deep voice]
greetings, all.

Details about
this organization

Should be included
in NYPD recruitment literature

And on the website.

He actually has
some good ideas.

Maybe you shouldn't be
so quick to dismiss him,

Like you were with a certain
amazing dance troop.

He isn't fit to be president.

He hasn't spent
the last 25 years

Fighting to build
this organization.

Right. Is that bad?

I thought you created
agla--naca--macapa

Or whatever,
so people like him

Wouldn't have to go through
what you went through.

Isn't it a good thing
that Brian Jensen

Didn't have to struggle
for 25 years

Just to get up
on this stage?

(Brian) thank you all for your time.

I hope you vote for me.

[applause]

Greetings, all.

You know what
the toughest part about

Being a gay black
police officer is?

The discrimination.

[uproarious laughter]

What?

At the very first meeting
of the AAGLNYCPA,

I was elected president
unanimously,

Because I was
the only member

And I voted for myself.

But after 25 years
of struggle,

I am no longer
the only member.

And look forward
to casting my vote

For someone else.

That is why
I withdraw my name

From consideration
as president.

(Holt)
congratulations, Brian.

[applause]

If you screw this up,
I will impeach you.

I wrote the bylaws,
so I know how to do it.

But I'm very happy for you.

But I will impeach you,
if necessary.

Anyways, Charles wanted me

To reiterate
how sorry he is,

But he got an emergency call.

And that is plausible,
because we're detectives.

(Vivian)
well, is it a tough case?

'cause Charlie was acting
so weird tonight.

Mm-hmm. Work has been
so stressful.

Speaking of,
here is your coat.

I've gotta run.

If you wouldn't mind
using the back exit,

It'll be much safer.
Trust me.

I'm a cop. New York, right?
[Chuckles]

Charles, what are you
doing here?

I'm so close to getting you
out of this.

They're putting their coats on.
Funny story--

I was walking home
and I passed a pawn shop.

And then I went
into a trance.

And now I have
this engagement ring.

No, Charles!
Well,

I'm gonna go ask Vivian
to marry me. Bye.

No, give me that.
Jake!

(Boyle)
give that back.

I'm doing this
for your own good.

You've gone full Boyle.
I'm helping you out.

Give me that ring,
or I'm gonna pepper spray you.

Pepper spray me,
I will pepper spray you!

Huh?
Mm.

No!

[both screaming]

(both)
aah!

Crap! Crap! Aah, crap!
Crap! Aw, crap!

Hey, buddy.

Got you that fancy coffee
you like.

Nah, I don't want it.

Ah, so expensive.

How you holding up?

Well, Jake,
I've been better.

Right. Look, I'm sorry

I threw your ring
in that boiling pork water.

Yeah. I'm sorry
I pepper sprayed you.

I'm sorry
I pepper sprayed you.

It burned like hell, right?
Yeah.

Thank god for that soda.

[both grunting]

Ahh, it's so sticky,
but it feels so good.

Ooh, cab.

After you.
Yes, sir.

What are you two
still doing here?

Isn't your shift over?

There's something we need
to take care of.

Oh, Super Dan, over here.
Thanks for coming.

[groans]
great.

You two?

If you guys wanna
make fun of me,

Just come down to pita paradise
like everyone else does.

We need your help.
Why?

What happened to Scully
and Hitchcock?

They're busy,
cleaning Hitchcock's ear.

Yeah. Did you witness
any of these men

Selling narcotics?

This is so official.

Yeah, this guy, number three.

That's the mope
we brought in.

Yeah, okay.

We're gonna need
to take your statement.

Spare no detail.
Really?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah!

Okay, um, all right.

Well, uh, I was driving
around my neighborhood

In the "danmobile,"
which is my bike.

I know what we did wrong.

Ah, should've
followed the rules,

But more importantly,
we're supposed

To help out everyone,
no matter what.

That's right.

Nice work on the arrest.

I got vaccinated that year,

But then I still
got the flu.

[laughs]
whoa.

Don't be bummed, man.

It's gonna be okay.
No, it isn't.

You can't be with me
every minute of every day.

I'm in love with this woman,
for real.

And I'm gonna go full Boyle
and scare her off.

No, we can figure this out,
all right?

I still got your phone,
so you're good there--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think we're gonna
get robbed.

I need to pull over.

Flat tire.

Give me your wallets.

NYPD, you're under arrest
for armed robbery!

A little to the left,
Charles.

Yeah, I'm still not seeing great
because of the pepper spray.

Hey, cab driver's
in the interrogation room.

You ready?
Let's do it.

Oh, no, what's this?

What is this?
[Chuckles]

I checked your phone.

There were a hundred texts
from Vivian,

Worried about you,

A selfie that
I can never unsee,

And dozens of voice mails.

[beep]

(Vivian)
hey, Chucklebunny, it's me.

You disappeared last night.

And you were acting weird.

And I'm worried it's
because I'm moving too fast.

I really wanna see you.

And I know it's 3:00 a.M.,

But we should
feed each other falafel

In our underwear--
okay.

[beep]

I know it when I hear it.

She's full Boyle.

Full Boyle for Boyle.

I took the liberty
of texting her,

And telling her to
come meet you here.

I thought you might
wanna give her this,

Or something
considerably nicer.

That is definitely
not platinum.

You really think
this is a good idea?

Buddy, I honestly don't know,

But you're definitely
not gonna scare her off.

I say do whatever
makes you happiest.

Jakey, you're the best.

(both)
ahh.

Your body is trembling
like a leaf.

I'm so excited.

[gasps] yes! Yes?

Yes!
[giggles]

Aww.

Charles is engaged.

You handled this
really well, Peralta.

I take back what I said
about you being immature.

Oh, apology accepted,
fart monster.

Okay.

Ohh.
Oh, no.

Oh, boy.
Okay.

Yeah, this is turning into
a live sex show.

Yeah, let's go.
Oh, no.

I wasn't saying it
in a bad way.

Jake!
Yep.

[both panting]

Although they can't
see us.

- (Santiago) Jake!
- Yep.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu