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1
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♪ ♪
2
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:12,246
Uh, the TA was asking about you
in the chem section.
3
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,348
I said you were feeling a bit
under the weather.
4
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,917
So I got you some, um...
5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,752
O... What...
6
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,154
Os-Oscillio...
7
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:23,057
Osclio...
8
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Oc-Occlio.
9
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- Oak-Oaknium.
- (FLIES BUZZING)
10
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Oc-Occlioscosnium.
11
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,432
Osio...
12
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,267
Oscli... uh, Occlioco...
13
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,768
Oscillococcinum, that's...
14
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,070
that's the correct
pronunciation, there.
15
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,572
So...
16
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,040
take one of those.
17
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,012
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
18
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Siri,
19
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call 911.
20
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- SIRI: I'm not sure I got that. Can you...
- Siri...
21
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,019
She was fine last night.
22
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,387
And then, this morning,
23
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,456
she asked me to go
get her some NyQuil.
24
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,057
And I said, "NyQuil?
Don't you mean DayQuil?"
25
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:59,059
"Because then you're gonna
fall asleep."
26
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,195
She said, "I want
to sleep all day." And then...
27
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,631
and then I ended up getting some
oles-olescoleum.
28
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,367
- Clecleum?
- Do you have a dorm advisor
29
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,635
- or someone who can...
- (GASPS)
30
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What the fuck?!
31
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,604
I thought you said she was dead!
32
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,406
Her vitals were at zero,
I checked them three times.
33
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,275
Oh, my... I-I'm sorry.
34
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,210
I'm so sorry, um...
35
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:19,280
you should bill me because I'm
still on my parents' insurance.
36
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,382
- Uh, ma'am, you were dead.
- I'm fine now, so...
37
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,916
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- I'm fine. (LAUGHS WEAKLY)
38
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FEMALE PARAMEDIC:
I still think you should come
39
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- to the hospital, ma'am.
- Oh, no, no.
40
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,489
I'm fine.
41
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:29,890
MALE PARAMEDIC:
Ma'am, you are not fine.
42
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("YOU'RE DEAD"
BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)
43
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♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
44
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♪ They have no use ♪
♪ for your song ♪
45
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♪ You're dead, you're dead, ♪
♪ you're dead ♪
46
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,102
♪ You're dead ♪
♪ and out of this world ♪
47
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:47,175
♪ Now your hope and compassion ♪
♪ is gone ♪
48
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,977
♪ You sold out your dream ♪
♪ to the world ♪
49
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,280
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, ♪
♪ stay dead ♪
50
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,948
♪ You're dead ♪
♪ and out of this world. ♪
51
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:57,685
♪ ♪
52
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GUILLERMO:
Was I disappointed
53
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,698
I wasn't turned into a vampire?
54
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,600
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
55
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,801
Heartbroken.
56
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,637
But I think it's because...
57
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,606
I need to learn patience.
58
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,107
And my master's
59
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,709
been really good to me lately.
60
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,877
How is it looking, Guillermo?
61
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,479
(GUILLERMO GIGGLES)
62
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,215
It looks like
I'm flying, Master.
63
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,782
NANDOR:
Woo-hoo.
64
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,318
Woo-hoo!
65
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I'm a vampire! (LAUGHS)
66
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,687
You are not, though.
67
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,623
LASZLO:
We have total dominion
68
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from here... to here.
69
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,228
So that's two streets.
70
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,863
Our street and Ashley's street.
71
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,566
Yes. I lied a bit.
72
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,901
Actually, it's from
there to there.
73
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,904
So we have dominion
over five houses?
74
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,543
We need to reach out
to some other vampires.
75
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,845
Consider joining
dominions to secure
76
00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,347
our stranglehold
over the region.
77
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,082
- Yes.
- Yes.
78
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,884
Simon the Devious
79
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,420
is a vampire we have known
for centuries.
80
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,055
Our coffins were all together
on the ship
81
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,857
that brought us over to America.
82
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,092
We used to hide
down in the hole,
83
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:14,228
then whisper jokes
to each other.
84
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,764
Crawl around, tickle each other,
have a lovely time.
85
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,832
And then we would
climb up to the top deck
86
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,069
and just breathe in the sea air
and seduce and kill sailors.
87
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:23,271
LASZLO:
We went to Staten Island,
88
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,172
he went to Mana-hatta.
89
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,774
And he very quickly became
90
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,609
the king
of the Manhattan vampires.
91
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,678
And he was only 107, which...
92
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,381
You know, real boy wonder.
Very clever.
93
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,915
He's not that clever.
94
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,250
Okay, who's cleverer, then?
95
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,051
- Stavros the Clever.
- (LAUGHS)
96
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,787
He died tripping on his cape
97
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,423
at a wooden stake sale
at the garden center.
98
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:45,726
Simon's HQ is this
fantastic nightclub
99
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,595
called the Sassy Cat Club
in Mana-hatta.
100
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:49,363
We used to go
all the time in the '20s.
101
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,899
And we would do the Charleston
102
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,635
and the Peabody, and we'd drink
some very nice blood
103
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,203
from some very nice goblets.
104
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,405
LASZLO:
You have to wear a cape in there.
105
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:59,940
Yes.
Everyone is in a cape.
106
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,442
And if you don't wear a cape,
107
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,043
you'll look like a
Fuck Me Knee-trembler.
108
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,378
Laszlo!
109
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,913
He's right, though.
110
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:08,015
If you don't, you'd look like
a right little tart.
111
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:11,251
How's this for the city?
112
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,953
Oh, yes.
113
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,789
You look like a beautiful
piece of wallpaper.
114
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,090
It needs a cape.
115
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,726
Hmm? Really?
116
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,294
Yeah.
The bigger the better.
117
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,496
(SIGHS) Run.
118
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,965
We're going into
the city tonight.
119
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,267
We're going to party and dance
120
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:30,971
and form a power alliance
with the Manhattan vampires
121
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,741
so that we can crush the humans.
122
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,276
No offense.
123
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,412
I found it.
124
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,280
Thoughts?
125
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,749
Looks like it's alive.
126
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,016
Good eye.
127
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,985
It's 100% witch skin.
128
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,321
Simon was always very jealous
of this hat.
129
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:49,590
I can't wait to see
his face when I walk in.
130
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,291
Please don't wear that hat.
131
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,993
- Too stylish?
- No.
132
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,462
It's a big,
bloody stupid hat with
133
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,929
a big, bloody stupid
curse on it.
134
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,130
And every time you wear it,
135
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,500
something bloody
stupid terrible happens.
136
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,536
- Nonsense. Gizmo likes it, don't you?
- It's Guillermo.
137
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,438
NADJA:
Laszlo's stupid hat.
138
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,340
It's got a bloody huge
curse on it.
139
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,676
I have tried to throw it out
many times,
140
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,678
but it keeps crawling back.
Literally.
141
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,312
I acquired this hat
142
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,883
while draining the blood
of a Bavarian Hexenbrenner,
143
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,485
or witch burner.
144
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,620
He must've noticed me eyeing it,
145
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,021
'cause in his dying breath,
146
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:23,891
he said, "Take my hat, it's"
147
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,793
(GROANING) "cuh..."
148
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,695
"Yes, it is cool," I thought.
149
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,296
Free hat.
150
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,664
Even better.
151
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,533
Think of all the things
that have happened.
152
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,535
The potato famine,
that time that that horse
153
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,370
knocked you over
and trampled over you.
154
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:39,172
- No, it didn't.
- Then it started making love to you?
155
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:40,674
I don't consider that a curse.
156
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,710
- It's growing human hair.
- Exactly.
157
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:46,514
My new familiar, he likes it.
Don't you, Dustin?
158
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,516
- JUSTIN: It's Justin.
- Yes, have a touch.
159
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,721
That was our new familiar.
160
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,223
Adieu.
161
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,325
It's that bloody cursed hat, Laszlo!
162
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,360
It's got nothing to do with
the hat. It's the bookshelf.
163
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,463
Which I charged you to fix.
164
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,568
(COUGHS, GRUNTS)
165
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,703
This hat is not cursed.
166
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,439
Oh, hey.
167
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:14,675
Uh, I-I overheard that you might
be going to Manhattan.
168
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,044
- I-I'd love to tag along.
- (HISSES)
169
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,283
NANDOR:
Ooh.
170
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:26,119
Look at the skyline, Guillermo.
171
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,688
GUILLERMO:
Yes, Master.
172
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,923
Steady, Guillermo.
173
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,292
It's a bit shaky.
174
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,428
I don't want water on my cape.
175
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,530
I'll have a soggy cape.
176
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,466
Why are we stuck
in bloody traffic, Laszlo?
177
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,933
- I don't know.
- Cursed hat.
178
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,803
That man on the sidewalk
looks a bit sad. Curse.
179
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,305
Why does this car smell bad?
It's the curse.
180
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,640
Look, you can say that
all night.
181
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,375
I'm gonna be wearing this hat.
182
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,311
NANDOR:
I am a bit nervous about seeing Simon.
183
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,481
In the old days,
it would not have been my style
184
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,948
to make an alliance.
185
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,718
I would have slaughtered
my neighbors in battle.
186
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:01,388
But then you wake up
and you think,
187
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,957
"I've got no neighbors."
188
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,258
(SOFT NOTE PLAYS)
189
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:09,296
What if I want
to borrow something?
190
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,931
I'm ready to make a change.
191
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,066
My old boar.
192
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,768
Barry.
193
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,970
He's always smiling.
194
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:18,472
Ready to make
195
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,341
a friend.
196
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,110
I'll do the talking.
197
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:27,481
I invite you in.
198
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,382
NANDOR:
Oh, it's so dingy.
199
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,153
COLIN:
Everyone looks like Billy Idol.
200
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,022
It's a sexy Marmaduke.
201
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,423
This is lively.
202
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,359
We are the only ones
wearing capes.
203
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,361
Shall we look
for Simon the Devious?
204
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:44,832
Let's mingle
until the others get here.
205
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,333
Mingling...
206
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,835
mingling.
207
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,637
Mingling with you.
208
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,472
- Hi.
- I-I'm gonna go look for the bathroom.
209
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,507
Oh, Guillermo.
210
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:56,376
Be careful you don't
get-- pfft. (GROANS)
211
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,213
Why don't you go and mingle?
212
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,615
Oh, I don't think so.
213
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,951
Uh, my stomach's feeling
a little iffy.
214
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,485
Gas.
215
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:07,521
So, I think I'll just
stick with you tonight.
216
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,490
Okay.
217
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:13,193
- Laszlo, what is taking so long?
- LASZLO: I say, cabbie.
218
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,362
I've got my cape
caught in the door.
219
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,397
- Well, yank it out.
- What the hell
220
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,466
do you think I've been doing?
221
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,501
(GRUNTS) Fuck...!
222
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,704
You're fucking kidding.
223
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,305
(GRUNTS)
224
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,374
You stay there.
225
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,676
I'll come to you.
226
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,878
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
- Oh, that bloody hat.
227
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,346
Whoa! Fuck me.
228
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,582
Fu...
229
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,617
(CLUB MUSIC POUNDING)
230
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:42,890
(WHIRRING)
231
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,993
MAN:
You haven't tried that?
232
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,861
It's like, one,
then two, then three.
233
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:50,163
And then you get
where we are now.
234
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,032
- But it's...
- (DOOR SHUTS)
235
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,934
Yeah.
236
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,236
- Hey.
- Hey.
237
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:58,538
Colby.
238
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:01,208
Familiar of Xanthos the Cruel
and Radenka the Brutal.
239
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,944
- Ah.
- This is the familiar room.
240
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,278
Yep.
241
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,115
Amalta, Mischa, Jameson.
242
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,450
- Sam.
- O-Oh, Sam is a...
243
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:11,719
Sam's a familiar.
244
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,088
Sam's a cat.
Guillermo, hi.
245
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,424
Nandor the Relentless,
so, nice to meet you.
246
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,693
Wait, Nandor the Relentless
of the Upper West Side?
247
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,361
No, that's, uh,
Nancy the Relentless.
248
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,796
People think...
W-We're Staten Island.
249
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:25,198
Cool.
250
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,635
NANDOR:
So you know, we have our street
251
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,436
and also Ashley's street.
252
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:32,039
You know, we've just, uh,
been busy over in Staten Island.
253
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,541
- We're going to form an alliance.
- (LAUGHS) So tell me.
254
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,210
Are you currently adjoined
to any other vampires?
255
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,780
Uh, n-no. No, I...
256
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,414
- Let's just go up to the roof and...
- COLIN: Hey, hey.
257
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,050
Do either of you two know
258
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,552
what this building used to be?
259
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,554
This building used to be owned
260
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,823
by Hescher-Schmitz Farrier.
261
00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:52,826
A farrier deals
with equine foot care.
262
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,594
Kind of a Nike for horses.
263
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:57,064
Yes, everyone knows that.
Listen, Colin.
264
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,132
Why must you come here
and interrupt me
265
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:02,335
- when I am talking to...
- Who are you talking to, Nandor?
266
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,603
It...
267
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,010
What did...?
268
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,982
- Fuck has happened in here?
- Oh, my...
269
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,817
This is a travesty.
270
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,585
What took you so long?
271
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,587
His fucking stupid hat.
272
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,989
Why aren't they wearing capes?
273
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,825
Looks like anyone can be
a vampire in Mana-hatta.
274
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,593
Look at him.
275
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,595
Sod this, I'm gonna get a drink.
276
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,430
So how long have you
been a familiar?
277
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,165
You don't look very familiar.
278
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:33,667
Ah. (LAUGHS)
279
00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:36,203
I see what you did
there, but, uh, ten years.
280
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,638
- Ten years? A decade.
- Yeah.
281
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:41,174
It's considered being
an expert to some people.
282
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,976
- All right. Okay.
- Which way is the bathroom?
283
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,611
I'm here for the bathroom.
284
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,047
- You're standing in it.
- Oh, is that what that is?
285
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,983
Oh, the buckets. (CHUCKLES)
They gave them to us when they
286
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,151
thought we were
going to unionize.
287
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,485
Do you not read the newsletter?
288
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,287
There's a newsletter?
289
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,523
- There is a newsletter.
- I can give you my e-mail.
290
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:59,192
CHILD VAMPIRES:
Colby, it's time to leave.
291
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,361
- Oh, those are your...
- Yeah, I'm their...
292
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,063
I'm their familiar.
They're like, 400 years old
293
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,165
but I have to play their parent,
I’m their "Dad"
294
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,801
- so no one gets suspicious.
- VAMPIRES: Now, Colby.
295
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,536
- Y-You better go.
- (COLBY CLEARS HIS THROAT)
296
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,338
(LOW VOICE) Let's go, kids.
297
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,007
Daddy's coming.
Let's go.
298
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,643
- (LIQUID PATTERING)
- Oh.
299
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,712
Excuse me, Sam.
300
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,417
All right, Big Vlad,
light me up.
301
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,019
- CROWD: (CHANTING) Simon! Simon!
- (LAUGHS)
302
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,255
This is insane.
Who would do this?
303
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,689
- Simon! Simon! Simon! Simon!
- Are you ready for this?
304
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,591
Abbadon, watch.
Are you watching?
305
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:35,062
Oh, boy,
we are having fun tonight.
306
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,764
- (LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)
307
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,665
Don't look so scared.
308
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:42,102
Understandably,
life is filled with mysteries.
309
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,004
And for our next mystery...
310
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,873
- Simon!
- Nadja?
311
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,674
- MAN: (GRUNTS) Hey!
- (LAUGHS)
312
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,777
Nadja!
313
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,611
What a sight for sore eyes.
314
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:54,948
- I haven't seen you in ages.
- Simon.
315
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,549
Look at you.
316
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:59,252
Don't you look wonderful?
317
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,754
Fucking bloodle service.
318
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:02,756
I wanted this five minutes ago.
319
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,624
I'm talking to Nadja now.
320
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:05,759
Please, please.
321
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,796
So, what are you up to?
322
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,731
Well, I'm, uh, uh, living in...
on the Staten Island.
323
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:15,268
- Uh-huh...
- And things are going very, very, very good.
324
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,037
- Good? Good.
- Very good. Yes.
325
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,706
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that,
'cause I worry about you.
326
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,575
- Aw...
- Come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
327
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:25,578
You know, I worry about you
because I hear all these stories
328
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:29,549
about all these vampires,
and they slowly spiral out
329
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:33,053
and then they get stuck
in this real complacency.
330
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,824
Then, eventually,
they just... fade away.
331
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,826
- But not you.
- No way.
332
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,261
You're-you're in Staten Island.
333
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,163
- Well, yes.
- And Laszlo and Nandor?
334
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,664
Have you spoken
to them recently?
335
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,734
Uh, well, actually,
they're somewhere here.
336
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,736
No!
337
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,671
- Yes.
- Impossible!
338
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:53,106
Well, we should
all have a drink.
339
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,641
I would love to catch up
with those two rascals.
340
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,845
Ah, there you are.
341
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,480
Had my eye on you all night,
little one.
342
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,682
- Oh, I-I, I'm just, uh...
- Yeah, whatever it is you’re "just,"
343
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,652
you just found it right here.
Sweet release from life.
344
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,788
- Uh, I like life. And I'm just, uh...
- NANDOR: Guillermo.
345
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,024
Oh.
346
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,759
Something I can
help you with, friend?
347
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,695
Uh, well, not really, but...
348
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:18,165
Oh, were you gonna... (GROWLS)
349
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,367
- No, no, no. No. (GROWLS)
- 'Cause I was thinking...
350
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,302
- Okay. Well, okay.
- Yeah?
351
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,637
- I'd prefer it if you didn't.
- Why?
352
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:27,307
He's kind of my familiar.
353
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,842
- How could I know? (CHUCKLES)
- No, I...
354
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,310
No, honest mistake.
Y-You don't have to apologize.
355
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,512
- I will. I must apologize, I'm so sorry. I-I...
- Fine, honestly,
356
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,514
look, if you really had
your heart set on it,
357
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,615
- BOTH: don't let me stand in your way. Well, I'd love to...
- GUILLERMO: What?
358
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,150
Not at all.
This is my discourtesy.
359
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:39,386
- and I feel bad.
- I mean, I'm okay with it if...
360
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,889
- I mean, you can if you like.
- No. No. No. I do apologize.
361
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:43,891
- Cheers. Okay? Rock and roll.
- Yes.
362
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,825
Wow!
363
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:48,495
No, I wasn't going
to let him eat you.
364
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,400
Guillermo!
365
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,005
Simon The Devious will see you.
366
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,839
Okay. Great. Uh,
367
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,641
- your hat is bleeding.
- I know.
368
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,143
SIMON:
You must
369
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,246
kill someone in the Hamptons.
It's just...
370
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,181
Laszlo! Nandor?
371
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:11,684
Aren't you a sight
for sore eyes?
372
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,820
NANDOR:
Pleasure to see you again, Simon.
373
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,356
SIMON: And look at you.
Nadja said you're doing well.
374
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,591
And now I see you in your capes,
375
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:22,162
and I think "Well, you haven't
lost your senses of humor."
376
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:25,332
- You're married?
- LASZLO and NADJA: Yes.
377
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,766
SIMON: Well, your behavior
with me did not preclude you
378
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,268
- to be married.
- LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.
379
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,738
I had forgotten because of her
physical behavior with me.
380
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,741
Oh, when was the last time
we were all together?
381
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,844
The bicentennial, 1976.
382
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:42,015
Yes, you told that joke
about that group of sailors.
383
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,383
Yes. Uh,
384
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:46,686
"It's like a virtual
smorgasbord of seamen"?
385
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,121
(LAUGHING)
386
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,162
That's it.
387
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,567
But I haven't even introduced
you to my crew,
388
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,302
the Leather Skins.
389
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:05,105
Of course,
that's Big Vlad behind you.
390
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,274
Abbadon, Empusa.
391
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,809
We've got the Freak sisters
over there,
392
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,744
they're two sisters
and they are not related.
393
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,313
That's Little Vlad.
394
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,747
The guy's a fucking maniac.
395
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,984
We've got Mister 50s.
396
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:20,287
We've got S, and that's because
her name is Sarah.
397
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,222
We've got Evil Steve.
398
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,457
Freakfest Tony. Ah!
399
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,994
There he is,
Blavglad the Exsanguinator.
400
00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:30,563
And, of course, The Silent One.
401
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:31,931
(QUIETLY) Hey.
402
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,001
SIMON:
We keep going over there,
403
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,835
we've got Asian Mike.
And that's Chunt.
404
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,605
Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the Fifth,
Horvok the Pit Master.
405
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:42,242
Gonthrapal
and his brother Krylsac.
406
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,843
It's Wesley Sykes.
407
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,913
- Desdemona the Shrieker.
- (SHRIEKS)
408
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,115
Yes.
409
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:49,116
There's Len, my accountant.
410
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:50,850
And of course, Count Rapula.
411
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:54,087
♪ 300 years livin' ♪
♪ in New York, son ♪
412
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,157
♪ I didn't start rhyming ♪
♪ till 1991. ♪
413
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,691
SIMON:
Yes, he just started rapping
414
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,760
in 1991.
415
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,930
Yes, well, um, this is our crew.
416
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,166
There's Nandor.
My good lady-wife Nadja,
417
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,868
who you clearly know.
And my good self.
418
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,937
- We like to keep things slim.
- COLIN: Hi, everyone.
419
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:14,207
I'm... I'm-I'm also with them.
420
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:15,542
- SIMON: Who is he?
- No one.
421
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,809
COLIN:
I'm with them.
422
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,845
Now, we've all known each other
long enough
423
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,680
to know that this is not
a mere social visit.
424
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,682
You are not wrong.
425
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:25,352
Um, you may have heard that, uh,
426
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:28,355
we have the Baron
visiting with us.
427
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:32,159
The Baron came to visit you
in Staten Island?
428
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,394
NADJA: Yes. We were thinking,
as we have dominion
429
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,229
- over Staten Island...
- Uh-huh.
430
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:39,966
...and you, Simon, you control
a lot of Manhattan, well...
431
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,568
- I do.
- LASZLO: Yes, uh,
432
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:44,071
I mean, there's talk we could
possibly join forces,
433
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,706
take the lion's share
of New York City.
434
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:51,044
Uh, which also includes our
street and also Ashley Street.
435
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:54,481
So, I would bring Manhattan
to the table,
436
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,883
and you would bring...
437
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:57,984
Our street and...
438
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,052
NADJA and NANDOR:
Ashley Street.
439
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,887
- SIMON: ...and Ashley Street.
- BOTH: Correct. Yes.
440
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,989
Well, that sounds
very interesting.
441
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,224
Oh, ooh.
442
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:05,425
SIMON:
So I guess I would begin
443
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,195
the negotiation by...
444
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,363
you giving me that hat.
445
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,765
Oh, I fucking knew
this would happen.
446
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,267
- Absolutely not.
- NADJA: Laszlo.
447
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,436
Simon, you don't want the hat.
It's not a good hat.
448
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,505
- No... No.
- Give him the hat.
449
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,240
SIMON:
I watched you walk around that ship
450
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:23,576
always wearing that hat
and thinking,
451
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,012
"This vampire
doesn't deserve this hat."
452
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,580
"I deserve that hat."
453
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,716
Well, I'll tell you something,
if you want this hat,
454
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,418
you'll have to cut my head off.
455
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,786
- Laszlo.
- That's fine.
456
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,689
Big Vlad, right behind you,
has a machete.
457
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:40,193
He could take it, or perhaps
we could get The Silent One,
458
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,729
or Little Vlad,
he's a fucking maniac.
459
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,432
And if we could hit Mister 50s,
maybe he could help,
460
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,101
- or the Exsanguinator himself.
- (HISSING)
461
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,036
Or, let's see,
fucking everybody here.
462
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,572
All right, all right,
you've made your point. Get off me.
463
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,774
Take the fucking hat.
464
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,577
Ah, thank you. Mm.
465
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:58,945
What is it that's
sort of puckering
466
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,947
and sucking
at the back of my head?
467
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,249
NADJA and LASZLO:
It's witch's asshole.
468
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,484
Oh, yes.
469
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,553
Well, now that I've got the hat,
470
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,622
- I can say, um, get them out of here.
- What?
471
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,058
- LASZLO: What?
- You can get the fuck out!
472
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,827
Get out of my club!
473
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,496
- Oh...
- SIMON: I summoned you here
474
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:20,133
to get your hat, and now it is
time for you to leave.
475
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,768
(BEATBOXING)
476
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,670
♪ Hey, yo, it's time to go ♪
477
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,506
♪ So hit the exit, ♪
♪ my rhyme flow's so sick ♪
478
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,741
- ♪ It's on some next shit... ♪
- Yeah!
479
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:32,345
- Humiliating.
- SIMON: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
480
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:34,981
By the way, we don't
validate parking.
481
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,916
Not that you have a car,
482
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,819
- because you are failures of vampires
- Lazlo, don't...
483
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,256
in your pathetic, lame capes.
484
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,592
This hat-- it makes me feel
like Robin Hood.
485
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,460
Big Vlad, my bow.
486
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,329
- Touch the sky.
- Touch the sky.
487
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,963
He's a big silly dickhead.
488
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,300
I don't remember him
being so devious.
489
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,134
I mean, he is called
Simon The Devious.
490
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,370
- Shit!
- Shit! Oh, shit!
491
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,038
Fucking hell.
Darling?
492
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,674
- Yes?
- I think my hat's probably cursed.
493
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,378
Bat!
494
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:06,646
Oh...
495
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,552
Guillermo.
496
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,953
(MOUTHS)
497
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,988
Guillermo?
498
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,061
You're still angry
about that vampire
499
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,496
who tried to eat you,
aren't you?
500
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,865
- Yes.
- Don't deny it. I can tell.
501
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,668
- I said yes.
- See, I knew it.
502
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:31,338
Guillermo...
503
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:34,073
I'm sorry for
how I treated you tonight.
504
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,309
I appreciate you.
505
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,910
I really do.
506
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,814
Well, you have a funny way
of showing it sometimes.
507
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,417
Thank you.
But...
508
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:48,054
I'm going to
make it up to you tonight.
509
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,563
GUILLERMO:
This is amazing, Master.
510
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,866
Enjoy it, Guillermo.
You're really flying.
511
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,269
This is the best night
of my life!
512
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:05,738
Oh, that's quite sad,
but also quite beautiful.
513
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,575
- I feel like a real vampire.
- Don't push it.
514
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,076
- What's that over there?
- Where?
515
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:11,711
The Empire State Building,
I think.
516
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:13,112
Is that it right there?
517
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:14,547
- What, over...
- Aah!
518
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:16,249
Oops.
519
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,917
- (CRASH)
- Shit.
520
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,852
- (GROANING)
- NANDOR: Shh, Guillermo.
521
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,454
- Don't trouble yourself.
- (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)
522
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,290
He was fortunate.
523
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,792
A thicket of trees tangled him up,
and then he landed
524
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:29,128
on the roof
of an abandoned food truck.
525
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,031
I want you to know
526
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:35,802
that you are my...
527
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,570
friend.
528
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,407
- Hmm...
- Ugh, no, that didn't feel right.
529
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,775
You will forget I said anything.
530
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:45,111
Shall we?
531
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:48,915
Hold your Horlicks--
that's my bloody hat.
532
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:51,250
Is that you in there, Simon?
533
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:54,854
Well, I'm gonna take my hat back,
you crispy piece of shit.
534
00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:57,524
(MONITOR FLATLINES)
535
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:01,928
- (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)
- (GUILLERMO WHIMPERS)
536
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:05,131
(MONITOR FLATLINES)
537
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:06,299
- (MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)
- (GUILLERMO MOANING)
538
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:09,336
Eh.
539
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:20,647
♪ I like to think when ♪
♪ I'm looking out the window ♪
540
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,650
♪ Step back and maybe look ♪
♪ at the sunrise ♪
541
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,652
- ♪ So remember me ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
542
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,687
- ♪ Another moment that will never be ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
543
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,690
♪ And take the time ♪
♪ to make some sense ♪
544
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,693
♪ And think about ♪
♪ the consequence ♪
545
00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:35,695
♪ When I'm looking at you, ♪
♪ when you're looking at me ♪
546
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:38,698
♪ Wonder what it would be, ♪
♪ wonder what it could be ♪
547
00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:41,968
♪ I like to think when ♪
♪ I'm looking out the window ♪
548
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:44,704
♪ Like to think when I'm ♪
♪ looking out the window ♪
549
00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:47,707
♪ Window, window, oh ♪
550
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,709
♪ Window, window. ♪
551
00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:54,681
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
552
00:21:56,749 --> 00:21:58,217
I would like
some of that glitter.
553
00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:00,019
Whatever for, Master?40496
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