Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:01,900
♪ men. ♪
2
00:00:02,687 --> 00:00:04,008
Swordfish looks good.
3
00:00:04,132 --> 00:00:05,264
You eat a lot of fish.
4
00:00:05,364 --> 00:00:06,564
Aren't you worried
about mercury?
5
00:00:06,747 --> 00:00:09,647
Michelle, on the list of things
I expect to kill me
6
00:00:09,729 --> 00:00:12,002
mercury poisoning ranks
well below liver failure,
7
00:00:12,406 --> 00:00:14,270
struck by lightning and
heart attack during sex.
8
00:00:15,539 --> 00:00:17,773
Guess which one I'm rooting for.
9
00:00:17,774 --> 00:00:19,642
Charles?
10
00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:23,029
Speaking of things
I expect to kill me.
11
00:00:23,030 --> 00:00:25,815
What a lovely surprise.
12
00:00:25,816 --> 00:00:27,850
Michelle, this is
my mother Evelyn.
Mom, Michelle.
13
00:00:27,851 --> 00:00:30,119
Evelyn, it's a pleasure.
You have a wonderful son.
14
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,287
Yes, I do.
15
00:00:31,288 --> 00:00:34,023
But Charlie and Alan
must never learn of him.
16
00:00:34,891 --> 00:00:37,393
Before she kills,
she likes to torture.
17
00:00:38,395 --> 00:00:40,429
So, how did you two meet?
18
00:00:40,430 --> 00:00:42,632
Charlie asked me to look
at a little thing on his butt.
19
00:00:42,633 --> 00:00:44,100
Oh, smooth, Charlie.
20
00:00:44,101 --> 00:00:46,068
She's a dermatologist, Mom.
21
00:00:46,069 --> 00:00:48,604
Oh, a doctor?
22
00:00:48,605 --> 00:00:50,740
So you have access to Charlie's
medical records
23
00:00:50,741 --> 00:00:52,208
and still went out with him.
24
00:00:52,209 --> 00:00:55,611
Okay, nice to see you, Mom.
I don't want to keep you
25
00:00:55,612 --> 00:00:57,413
from whatever poor schmuck
you're here to meet.
26
00:00:57,414 --> 00:01:00,066
Sorry I'm late, Mom.
27
00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,952
How about that?
The poorest schmuck I know.
28
00:01:03,887 --> 00:01:05,788
Michelle, this is
my brother Alan.
29
00:01:05,789 --> 00:01:06,622
Alan, Michelle.
Hi.
30
00:01:06,623 --> 00:01:07,823
Nice to meet you.
31
00:01:07,824 --> 00:01:09,759
Would you like to join us?
32
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,077
Sure.
33
00:01:11,078 --> 00:01:12,244
How sweet.
34
00:01:12,245 --> 00:01:13,262
Uh... waiter?
35
00:01:13,263 --> 00:01:15,965
I thought you liked me.
36
00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,636
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
37
00:01:20,637 --> 00:01:23,939
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
38
00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:27,259
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
39
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:29,312
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
40
00:01:29,313 --> 00:01:32,014
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
41
00:01:32,015 --> 00:01:35,067
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
42
00:01:35,068 --> 00:01:38,988
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
43
00:01:39,188 --> 00:01:42,188
♪ Two and a Half Men 8x07 ♪
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
Original Air Date on November 1, 2010
44
00:01:42,388 --> 00:01:45,188
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
45
00:01:45,201 --> 00:01:47,036
♪ Men. ♪
46
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:50,168
Well, this is
very pleasant.
47
00:01:50,169 --> 00:01:52,737
The last time I met one of
Charlie's girlfriends,
48
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:56,725
I was picking glitter off
my skin for a week.
49
00:01:56,726 --> 00:01:58,310
Oh, right, the 22-year-old
pole dancer.
50
00:01:58,311 --> 00:01:59,945
(grunts)
51
00:01:59,946 --> 00:02:02,280
Oh, don't get
the wrong idea.
52
00:02:02,281 --> 00:02:04,682
I mean, not every woman Charlie
dates is a stripper.
53
00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:05,984
I can't imagine
54
00:02:05,985 --> 00:02:07,919
you stripping,
for example.
55
00:02:09,455 --> 00:02:11,756
I mean,
I can imagine it.
56
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,258
(growls)
57
00:02:20,216 --> 00:02:21,933
So what's the occasion
for you two?
58
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:22,968
No occasion.
59
00:02:22,969 --> 00:02:25,086
Can't a son invite
his mom to lunch?
60
00:02:25,087 --> 00:02:27,239
He needs money.
61
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,908
No, no. But if you're lookin'
to give some away
62
00:02:29,909 --> 00:02:31,176
I'm not gonna
turn it down.
63
00:02:31,177 --> 00:02:33,445
You're a dermatologist.
64
00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:36,815
How do I get rid
of a 170-pound skin tag?
65
00:02:36,816 --> 00:02:40,085
Excuse me, 164.
66
00:02:40,086 --> 00:02:42,854
Really? That's the
part you object to?
67
00:02:42,855 --> 00:02:45,257
Would you like to be called
a 200-pound drunk?
68
00:02:45,258 --> 00:02:47,058
180.
See?
69
00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:49,611
Yeah, well, better a lush
than a leech.
70
00:02:49,612 --> 00:02:51,229
At least a leech
doesn't miss
71
00:02:51,230 --> 00:02:52,998
his mother's birthday
in a drunken blackout.
72
00:02:52,999 --> 00:02:54,666
Yes, but when the lush wakes up,
73
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:57,135
he can buy her a nice gift
with his own money.
74
00:02:57,136 --> 00:02:59,287
He can, but he doesn't.
75
00:02:59,288 --> 00:03:00,455
He doesn't because
76
00:03:00,456 --> 00:03:02,090
you wouldn't appreciate
it anyway.
77
00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:03,842
Let's not start with
appreciation.
78
00:03:03,843 --> 00:03:05,210
Did I ever get a thank you
79
00:03:05,211 --> 00:03:08,296
for bearing you
and raising you
all by myself?
80
00:03:08,297 --> 00:03:10,465
Thank you, Mommy.
81
00:03:10,466 --> 00:03:12,100
Give it a rest.
82
00:03:12,101 --> 00:03:13,151
I'll write you a check.
83
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:14,886
Thank you, Mommy.
84
00:03:14,887 --> 00:03:17,989
(sighs) Do you have
children, Michelle?
85
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,691
I have a daughter.
86
00:03:19,692 --> 00:03:21,943
Isn't that nice?
87
00:03:21,944 --> 00:03:23,695
Has she ripped
your heart out yet?
88
00:03:23,696 --> 00:03:25,697
Not quite.
89
00:03:25,698 --> 00:03:26,931
Well, give her time.
90
00:03:26,932 --> 00:03:29,267
Children are God's
little way of
91
00:03:29,268 --> 00:03:31,703
punishing us for having sex.
92
00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:36,207
So, Michelle, you've met
my mom and my brother.
93
00:03:36,208 --> 00:03:37,842
Will you be breaking up
with me now
94
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:39,811
or would you prefer
to wait till after lunch?
95
00:03:39,812 --> 00:03:41,346
I'll wait.
96
00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:42,714
I already ordered
the souffle
97
00:03:42,715 --> 00:03:44,616
and I understand
it's very good here.
98
00:03:44,617 --> 00:03:48,353
Oh, she's attractive,
successful and funny.
99
00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,488
So tell me, dear,
100
00:03:50,489 --> 00:03:52,357
why are you settling?
101
00:03:54,894 --> 00:03:57,162
♪ Men. ♪
102
00:03:58,965 --> 00:04:01,399
Mmm... wait, wait, wait.
103
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,268
Can I ask you a question?
104
00:04:03,269 --> 00:04:04,502
Sure.
105
00:04:04,503 --> 00:04:07,372
Have there been a lot
of women in this bed?
106
00:04:07,373 --> 00:04:10,025
Uh...
107
00:04:10,026 --> 00:04:13,345
actually in the bed?
108
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,380
Fewer than you'd think.
109
00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,981
Charlie...
110
00:04:16,982 --> 00:04:19,784
Listen, I'm not gonna
lie about who I am
111
00:04:19,785 --> 00:04:21,553
or where I've been,
112
00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:24,255
so don't ask unless
you really want to know.
113
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,560
It doesn't matter.
114
00:04:28,561 --> 00:04:29,894
The past is the past.
115
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,262
Agreed.
116
00:04:31,263 --> 00:04:32,430
Let's work on the present.
117
00:04:32,431 --> 00:04:33,632
Oh, goody, I love presents.
118
00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:34,966
(laughs)
119
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:36,017
(knocking)
120
00:04:36,018 --> 00:04:37,135
JAKE:
Uncle Charlie?
121
00:04:37,136 --> 00:04:38,770
Busy, Jake.
122
00:04:38,771 --> 00:04:42,474
JAKE:
Oh, is Chelsea back?
123
00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,060
No, Jake.
124
00:04:45,061 --> 00:04:46,244
Mia?
125
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,215
No.
126
00:04:50,216 --> 00:04:53,918
The married stripper?
What's her name, Betsy?
127
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:56,988
What do you need, Jake?
128
00:04:56,989 --> 00:04:58,390
Can I borrow your car?
129
00:04:58,391 --> 00:05:01,426
No, you can't borrow my hundred-
thousand-dollar Mercedes!
130
00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:03,128
Okay.
131
00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:04,996
Sorry about that.
132
00:05:04,997 --> 00:05:08,500
It's not another
hooker, is it?
133
00:05:10,469 --> 00:05:13,088
Excuse me.
134
00:05:16,342 --> 00:05:18,510
Here's the keys.
Go away.
Thank you.
135
00:05:20,746 --> 00:05:22,047
My nephew.
136
00:05:22,048 --> 00:05:24,482
Everyone's convinced
he's a freaking moron,
137
00:05:24,483 --> 00:05:28,353
but I'm starting
to think he's an evil genius.
138
00:05:30,523 --> 00:05:32,824
♪ Men. ♪
139
00:05:32,825 --> 00:05:34,926
Hey, did you hear
that noise last night?
140
00:05:34,927 --> 00:05:36,127
What noise?
141
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,413
Around 2:00 or 3:00 in
the morning,
142
00:05:38,414 --> 00:05:39,898
I thought I heard a man crying.
143
00:05:39,899 --> 00:05:43,134
Oh, that's nothing.
That's just Alan.
144
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,536
It's nothing?
145
00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:47,706
Yeah, he gets up in the middle
of the night to pee,
146
00:05:47,707 --> 00:05:50,975
then he can't get back to sleep,
so he masturbates.
147
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,046
Then he starts crying.
148
00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:58,466
Oh, my God, that's awful!
149
00:05:58,467 --> 00:06:02,303
It's like the ocean.
I don't even hear it anymore.
150
00:06:04,190 --> 00:06:05,290
Hey, sorry I'm late.
151
00:06:05,291 --> 00:06:07,826
I stopped off and did
the shopping for the week.
152
00:06:10,479 --> 00:06:12,263
Michelle, this is
my housekeeper Berta.
153
00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:13,965
Berta, Michelle.
Hi.
154
00:06:13,966 --> 00:06:14,983
Nice to meet you.
155
00:06:14,984 --> 00:06:15,984
Planning a party?
156
00:06:15,985 --> 00:06:18,870
Every afternoon at 2:00.
157
00:06:18,871 --> 00:06:21,239
(chuckles) She's, she's kidding.
158
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,307
Right, Berta?
159
00:06:22,308 --> 00:06:25,410
Huh? Yeah, sure, why not?
160
00:06:25,411 --> 00:06:28,413
Can I go upstairs
and make your bed
161
00:06:28,414 --> 00:06:30,999
or are you guys just catchin'
your breath and rinsin' off?
162
00:06:32,668 --> 00:06:33,852
No, it's fine.
163
00:06:33,853 --> 00:06:35,987
We're just gonna go
for a walk on the beach.
164
00:06:35,988 --> 00:06:37,989
(laughs) Good one.
165
00:06:37,990 --> 00:06:39,958
Why is that funny?
166
00:06:39,959 --> 00:06:41,493
Last time this one was on
the beach
167
00:06:41,494 --> 00:06:42,994
was 'cause he fell off the deck.
168
00:06:44,997 --> 00:06:47,766
It wasn't his fault.
He was drunk.
169
00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:50,835
I'll go make your bed.
170
00:06:52,238 --> 00:06:54,706
She seems... nice.
171
00:06:54,707 --> 00:06:56,074
You think?
172
00:06:56,075 --> 00:06:58,243
'Cause she scares
the crap outta me.
173
00:06:58,244 --> 00:07:00,245
Well, then why don't you
get rid of her?
174
00:07:00,246 --> 00:07:02,981
Oh, no, no, no, no, I could
never fire her.
175
00:07:02,982 --> 00:07:04,282
I love her to death.
176
00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:05,884
Interesting.
177
00:07:05,885 --> 00:07:09,020
So, you love her
and yet she scares you?
178
00:07:09,021 --> 00:07:12,557
Little window
into ol' Charlie, huh?
179
00:07:13,425 --> 00:07:16,561
More like a garage door.
180
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,865
♪ Men. ♪
181
00:07:20,866 --> 00:07:23,301
Well, you've met
my family,
182
00:07:23,302 --> 00:07:25,503
you know all about my past,
183
00:07:25,504 --> 00:07:29,307
my fondness for...
things I'm fond of.
184
00:07:29,308 --> 00:07:30,742
Uh-huh?
185
00:07:30,743 --> 00:07:33,812
So... why are you still here?
186
00:07:33,813 --> 00:07:36,080
Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist.
187
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:37,849
Nobody our age comes
without baggage.
188
00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:40,318
Well, yeah, but some people
might think
189
00:07:40,319 --> 00:07:43,788
that my baggage is...
extra icky.
190
00:07:43,789 --> 00:07:45,056
Extra icky?
191
00:07:45,057 --> 00:07:47,892
That's actually a quote
from a former girlfriend.
192
00:07:47,893 --> 00:07:51,462
Well, I think that a mature
relationship has got
193
00:07:51,463 --> 00:07:53,898
to be based on honesty
about our flaws.
194
00:07:53,899 --> 00:07:55,033
You know my flaws.
195
00:07:55,034 --> 00:07:56,401
Openness about our past.
196
00:07:56,402 --> 00:07:57,836
You know my past.
197
00:07:57,837 --> 00:07:59,671
And a willingness to forgive.
198
00:07:59,672 --> 00:08:01,306
I forgive you.
199
00:08:01,307 --> 00:08:03,408
(chuckles)
200
00:08:03,409 --> 00:08:06,110
I really like you, Michelle.
201
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,413
I really like you, too.
202
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:12,917
ROSE:
Hi, Charlie.
203
00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:19,157
There might be one more thing
you should know about me.
204
00:08:20,693 --> 00:08:22,327
♪ Men. ♪
205
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:26,185
♪ Men. ♪
206
00:08:27,221 --> 00:08:29,222
Rose, this is not a good time.
207
00:08:29,223 --> 00:08:30,674
I just want to talk to you.
208
00:08:30,675 --> 00:08:32,559
I'm sorry, Michelle, this'll
only take a minute.
209
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:33,260
Do I know you?
210
00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:34,728
Nope.
211
00:08:34,729 --> 00:08:35,929
Seriously, Rose, not now.
212
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,397
How do you know
my na...?
213
00:08:37,398 --> 00:08:38,798
How does she
know my name?
214
00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:40,233
Long story.
Not really.
215
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:42,335
Once you have
a license plate number,
216
00:08:42,336 --> 00:08:43,770
the rest is cake.
217
00:08:44,505 --> 00:08:46,206
Could you give us
a minute?
218
00:08:46,207 --> 00:08:48,375
No, she's not goin' anywhere.
219
00:08:48,376 --> 00:08:49,943
Charlie, who is this woman?
220
00:08:49,944 --> 00:08:51,044
Just a friend.
221
00:08:51,045 --> 00:08:53,613
Oh, I'm more than
a friend. We dated.
222
00:08:54,582 --> 00:08:57,117
Just once.
Eight years ago.
223
00:08:57,118 --> 00:08:58,702
You haven't seen her
in eight years?
224
00:08:58,703 --> 00:09:00,003
Well, no, no, no.
Not exactly.
225
00:09:00,004 --> 00:09:01,688
We stay in touch.
226
00:09:01,689 --> 00:09:03,056
You stalk me.
227
00:09:03,057 --> 00:09:04,624
Oh, please.
228
00:09:04,625 --> 00:09:07,227
Does a stalker
baby-sit his nephew?
229
00:09:07,228 --> 00:09:09,296
Does a stalker sleep
with his brother?
230
00:09:09,297 --> 00:09:11,498
Does a stalker's dad
sleep with his mother,
231
00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:14,067
who you met at lunch the other
day at Terrace Gardens?
232
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:16,436
Have you been
following me?
233
00:09:16,437 --> 00:09:18,805
Not you.
234
00:09:18,806 --> 00:09:20,607
Okay Charlie, I'm
a little freaked out here.
235
00:09:20,608 --> 00:09:21,775
I'm going
to go home.
236
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:23,693
What? Why?
237
00:09:23,694 --> 00:09:25,678
Nice officially
meeting you.
238
00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,347
Oh, come on,
Michelle, don't go.
239
00:09:27,348 --> 00:09:28,365
I'll get rid of her.
240
00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:29,366
No, no, no. No.
241
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,234
Clearly, you have lots
to talk about.
242
00:09:31,235 --> 00:09:32,852
But what about all
that stuff you said?
243
00:09:32,853 --> 00:09:35,422
You know, baggage,
willingness to forgive?
244
00:09:35,423 --> 00:09:36,656
Obviously, I was wrong.
245
00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:37,991
Michelle.
246
00:09:37,992 --> 00:09:40,026
No, look. I could deal
with your mother,
247
00:09:40,027 --> 00:09:41,928
your brother, your nephew,
your housekeeper...
248
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:44,230
Yeah, I know--
No, no, no.
I'm not done.
249
00:09:44,231 --> 00:09:45,632
Your drinking,
your gambling,
250
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:46,766
your womanizing,
251
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,768
but I am not putting up
with your stalker.
252
00:09:48,769 --> 00:09:52,238
Really? That's where
you draw the line?
253
00:09:53,107 --> 00:09:55,308
Seems a little
arbitrary.
254
00:09:55,309 --> 00:09:57,577
Good-bye, Charlie.
255
00:09:57,578 --> 00:09:58,678
(door closes)
256
00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:00,347
I like her.
257
00:10:00,348 --> 00:10:03,283
She's feisty.
258
00:10:03,284 --> 00:10:05,218
That's it, Rose.
259
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:07,153
This is the last straw.
260
00:10:07,154 --> 00:10:08,188
Really?
261
00:10:08,189 --> 00:10:10,090
That's where you draw the line?
262
00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:12,025
I really care
about this woman.
263
00:10:12,026 --> 00:10:13,326
I'm glad for you.
264
00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:14,444
No, you're not!
265
00:10:14,445 --> 00:10:16,396
You never are. You always do
everything you can
266
00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:18,565
to come between me and any woman
I'm serious about.
267
00:10:18,566 --> 00:10:20,700
Is that what you think
I'm doing?
268
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:23,770
Of course that's what I think
you're doing; you just did it!
269
00:10:24,572 --> 00:10:26,456
You've been doing it
for eight years,
270
00:10:26,457 --> 00:10:27,674
and I'm sick of it.
271
00:10:27,675 --> 00:10:30,043
Now, get out.
272
00:10:30,044 --> 00:10:31,978
Okay, but you should know
that I didn't come over
273
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:32,946
to ruin your date.
274
00:10:32,947 --> 00:10:34,481
Really?
Why did you come over?
275
00:10:34,482 --> 00:10:36,649
To tell you
that I'm getting married.
276
00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:39,686
I'm not marrying you,
Rose.
277
00:10:42,189 --> 00:10:44,257
Not you, silly.
278
00:10:44,258 --> 00:10:45,925
Manfred.
279
00:10:45,926 --> 00:10:47,293
Manfred?
280
00:10:47,294 --> 00:10:48,611
He's so wonderful.
281
00:10:48,612 --> 00:10:50,430
I can't wait for you
to meet him.
282
00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:53,833
Uh-huh.
Have you met him yet?
283
00:10:55,653 --> 00:10:57,470
You don't believe me?
284
00:10:57,471 --> 00:10:59,372
Well, of course
I don't believe you.
285
00:10:59,373 --> 00:11:01,708
All you've ever done is
manipulate and deceive me.
286
00:11:01,709 --> 00:11:03,710
Mm, fair point.
287
00:11:03,711 --> 00:11:05,311
But I am getting married
next Sunday,
288
00:11:05,312 --> 00:11:07,047
and I just wanted
to let you know
289
00:11:07,048 --> 00:11:08,381
before you heard it
somewhere else.
290
00:11:08,382 --> 00:11:11,351
Where else would I hear it?
291
00:11:11,352 --> 00:11:14,521
Society page of
The Crazy Bitch Gazette?
292
00:11:15,890 --> 00:11:17,824
Clearly, it was a mistake
coming over.
293
00:11:17,825 --> 00:11:20,727
I had no idea the news
would hit you this hard.
294
00:11:20,728 --> 00:11:23,196
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm bowled over,
295
00:11:23,197 --> 00:11:26,166
I'm devastated, I can't
imagine life without you.
296
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:27,534
Good-bye.
297
00:11:27,535 --> 00:11:30,737
Last chance to kiss the bride.
298
00:11:35,776 --> 00:11:37,777
(knocking)
299
00:11:39,813 --> 00:11:41,281
What?
300
00:11:41,282 --> 00:11:44,851
I'm not sure how to get home
from this side of the house.
301
00:11:53,928 --> 00:11:55,562
♪ Men. ♪
302
00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:57,630
Hey, Michelle.
It's me again.
303
00:11:57,631 --> 00:11:59,566
Sorry for all the messages.
304
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:01,434
Don't worry,
I'm not stalking you.
305
00:12:01,435 --> 00:12:03,169
(chuckles)
306
00:12:03,170 --> 00:12:04,504
Anyway,
307
00:12:04,505 --> 00:12:07,724
again, I am really sorry for
all the craziness last night,
308
00:12:07,725 --> 00:12:10,844
but, like you pointed out,
everybody's got baggage.
309
00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:12,712
Unfortunately, one piece of mine
310
00:12:12,713 --> 00:12:16,816
needs to be sedated
and institutionalized.
311
00:12:16,817 --> 00:12:18,318
Okay, call me.
312
00:12:18,319 --> 00:12:20,453
Kisses. (blows kisses)
313
00:12:22,323 --> 00:12:25,041
Kisses?
314
00:12:25,042 --> 00:12:28,661
If I was any fruitier,
I could open a Jamba Juice.
315
00:12:28,662 --> 00:12:30,413
Check it out.
316
00:12:30,414 --> 00:12:33,133
Rose's engagement announcement
is in the paper.
317
00:12:33,134 --> 00:12:35,368
Manfred Quinn?
318
00:12:35,369 --> 00:12:38,104
Says he's an important figure
in the fashion industry.
319
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,089
Eh, I still don't buy it.
320
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:43,226
What do you mean?
It's right here
in the paper.
Oh, grow up.
321
00:12:43,227 --> 00:12:45,044
Do you have any idea
how many times
322
00:12:45,045 --> 00:12:46,646
I had that paper
print my obituary?
323
00:12:46,647 --> 00:12:48,515
Why would you do that?
324
00:12:48,516 --> 00:12:49,766
Lots of reasons.
325
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,734
Gambling debts, angry husbands,
326
00:12:51,735 --> 00:12:54,287
sometimes just
to get a little me time.
327
00:12:54,288 --> 00:12:57,423
Well, real or fake, I'm a little
miffed I wasn't invited.
328
00:12:57,424 --> 00:13:01,628
How do you get invited
to a fake wedding, Alan?
329
00:13:01,629 --> 00:13:04,164
With a fake invitation.
330
00:13:04,165 --> 00:13:06,166
Obviously.
331
00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:09,636
How come Rose only shows up
when I'm in a good relationship?
332
00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:13,573
Where was she when I was dating
the manic-depressive Satanist?
333
00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:16,276
Or that chick
with all the knives?
334
00:13:16,277 --> 00:13:18,545
Don't forget
the pre-op lifeguard.
335
00:13:18,546 --> 00:13:20,847
Post-op. She was post-op.
336
00:13:20,848 --> 00:13:26,152
Really? Could've sworn I saw
a bulge in that bikini bottom.
337
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,388
The point is, it's like...
338
00:13:28,389 --> 00:13:30,690
it's like Rose has
some kind of sixth sense
339
00:13:30,691 --> 00:13:32,976
where she knows when
I'm about to be happy.
340
00:13:32,977 --> 00:13:36,062
It's not a sixth sense--
she follows you around
and watches your every move.
341
00:13:36,063 --> 00:13:37,730
For all we know,
the house is bugged
342
00:13:37,731 --> 00:13:39,232
and she's listening
to us right now.
343
00:13:39,233 --> 00:13:41,935
Hi, Rose.
344
00:13:41,936 --> 00:13:43,136
Yeah, well, if she is...
345
00:13:43,137 --> 00:13:45,405
she overplayed her hand
this time!
346
00:13:45,406 --> 00:13:48,841
And I'm not falling
for this wedding crap!
347
00:13:48,842 --> 00:13:52,979
But just in case, shouldn't
we get her a gift?
348
00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:54,747
What?
349
00:13:54,748 --> 00:13:56,449
(whispering): They're having
a sale at Williams-Sonoma.
350
00:13:56,450 --> 00:13:58,885
You want to go halvsies
on a silver pepper mill?
351
00:13:58,886 --> 00:14:01,821
No, I'm not going halvsies
on a silver pepper mill!
352
00:14:01,822 --> 00:14:04,524
Okay, then... okay,
how about a lovely ceramic
353
00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:07,677
cow-shaped creamer, handmade
by the Pennsylvania Dutch?
354
00:14:07,678 --> 00:14:10,063
No gifts.
Why not?
355
00:14:10,064 --> 00:14:11,931
'Cause there's no wedding!
356
00:14:11,932 --> 00:14:13,967
There's no wedding!
357
00:14:15,169 --> 00:14:18,271
Well, you do what you want,
Charlie Harper,
358
00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:21,774
but I, Alan Harper, am gonna
get Rose something really nice!
359
00:14:21,775 --> 00:14:26,980
Ooh, a set of faux-walnut
napkin rings, only $9.95.
360
00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:29,148
Add to cart.
361
00:14:30,951 --> 00:14:33,169
♪ Men. ♪
362
00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:39,092
(sighs)
363
00:14:39,093 --> 00:14:40,627
Surprise!
364
00:14:40,628 --> 00:14:43,162
Not really-- you called,
like, 11 times.
365
00:14:43,163 --> 00:14:45,531
These are for you.
366
00:14:45,532 --> 00:14:47,383
Thank you.
367
00:14:48,335 --> 00:14:50,503
It doesn't change anything.
368
00:14:50,504 --> 00:14:51,971
Oh, come on, Michelle,
369
00:14:51,972 --> 00:14:54,674
I can't help it if some
meaningless one-night stand
370
00:14:54,675 --> 00:14:57,043
from years ago is
still obsessed with me.
371
00:14:57,044 --> 00:14:59,879
It's not about her, Charlie,
it's about you.
372
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,849
Okay, I can't help it
if I'm so wonderful
373
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:04,851
she's still
obsessed with me.
374
00:15:04,852 --> 00:15:06,452
That's not what I meant.
375
00:15:06,453 --> 00:15:08,454
Yeah, I didn't think so.
376
00:15:08,455 --> 00:15:10,757
The fact that you still
have a relationship with her
377
00:15:10,758 --> 00:15:13,693
after all this time
tells me that you have
real feelings for her.
378
00:15:13,694 --> 00:15:15,762
Okay, okay, maybe
we have developed
379
00:15:15,763 --> 00:15:18,564
some sort of friendship, but
that doesn't change the fact
380
00:15:18,565 --> 00:15:20,166
that on a very primal level
381
00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:22,218
the woman scares
the hell out of me.
382
00:15:22,219 --> 00:15:23,569
Listen to yourself.
383
00:15:23,570 --> 00:15:25,405
That's exactly what you said
about your housekeeper.
384
00:15:25,406 --> 00:15:27,340
You love her, but
you're scared of her.
385
00:15:27,341 --> 00:15:28,508
And having met your mother,
386
00:15:28,509 --> 00:15:30,410
I'm betting you're
scared of her, too.
387
00:15:30,411 --> 00:15:34,347
Well, yeah, but
I don't love her.
388
00:15:34,348 --> 00:15:36,015
Charlie...
389
00:15:36,016 --> 00:15:38,785
What are you trying to say,
I'm in love with Rose?
390
00:15:38,786 --> 00:15:40,420
You tell me.
391
00:15:43,991 --> 00:15:45,992
Bye, Charlie.
392
00:15:52,499 --> 00:15:55,134
Okay, I do love Berta.
393
00:15:55,135 --> 00:15:58,304
I suppose
I kind of love my mother.
394
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,039
Aw, crap.
395
00:16:01,925 --> 00:16:04,010
♪ Men. ♪
396
00:16:04,978 --> 00:16:07,480
So, today's
the big day, huh?
397
00:16:07,481 --> 00:16:09,215
What big day?
398
00:16:09,216 --> 00:16:10,583
Rose's wedding.
399
00:16:10,584 --> 00:16:12,985
Oh, please!
There's no wedding.
400
00:16:12,986 --> 00:16:14,153
You sure about that?
401
00:16:14,154 --> 00:16:15,938
Yeah, I'm sure.
402
00:16:15,939 --> 00:16:17,256
But what if you're wrong?
403
00:16:17,257 --> 00:16:18,307
What do you mean?
404
00:16:18,308 --> 00:16:20,643
I mean, would it make
a difference to you,
405
00:16:20,644 --> 00:16:22,028
knowing that cute little face
406
00:16:22,029 --> 00:16:24,230
will never pop up
over that railing again?
407
00:16:24,231 --> 00:16:26,566
That the one woman
who's always loved you
408
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:30,703
and been there for you
is forever out of reach?
409
00:16:30,704 --> 00:16:32,605
Come on.
410
00:16:32,606 --> 00:16:34,290
Where are we going?
To the church.
411
00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:36,793
I'm gonna prove to you that
she's not getting married.
412
00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:38,077
Okay.
413
00:16:38,078 --> 00:16:40,346
Aren't we a little underdressed?
414
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:41,947
There's no wedding.
415
00:16:41,948 --> 00:16:44,751
Last chance to go halvsies
on the napkin rings.
416
00:16:44,752 --> 00:16:46,803
There's no wedding.
417
00:16:46,804 --> 00:16:49,505
Only cost you 50 bucks.
418
00:16:49,506 --> 00:16:51,758
♪ Men. ♪
419
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,363
You see? No wedding.
420
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,499
You got X-ray vision?
421
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,435
(scoffs) Come on,
I'll show you.
422
00:17:02,436 --> 00:17:05,271
Just heads up--
if there's no wedding,
423
00:17:05,272 --> 00:17:08,374
you're getting napkin rings
for Christmas.
424
00:17:09,443 --> 00:17:11,994
Go ahead, Alan, look.
425
00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:15,114
Tell me if you
see a wedding.
426
00:17:15,115 --> 00:17:17,517
I see a wedding.
427
00:17:17,518 --> 00:17:19,635
What?
428
00:17:19,636 --> 00:17:22,021
MINISTER:
...two persons present
now come to be joined.
429
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:25,191
Rose and Manfred,
we are here to remember...
430
00:17:25,192 --> 00:17:26,893
Oh, my God.
431
00:17:27,761 --> 00:17:29,228
She's really doing it.
432
00:17:29,229 --> 00:17:31,030
Rose is getting married.
433
00:17:31,031 --> 00:17:32,832
It's not too late
to stop it.
434
00:17:32,833 --> 00:17:35,134
(sighs)
Don't be ridiculous.
435
00:17:35,135 --> 00:17:37,336
It's way too late.
436
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:44,210
Okay, $25 to split the gift--
and I'm losing money.
437
00:17:44,211 --> 00:17:46,212
...why this man and this woman
438
00:17:46,213 --> 00:17:48,714
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
439
00:17:48,715 --> 00:17:53,352
let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
440
00:17:53,353 --> 00:17:55,755
And we're clear.
441
00:17:55,756 --> 00:17:58,090
Yep, that
ought to do it.
442
00:17:58,091 --> 00:17:59,625
Thanks, Freddy.
443
00:17:59,626 --> 00:18:01,027
My pleasure.
444
00:18:01,028 --> 00:18:02,428
I guess.
445
00:18:10,537 --> 00:18:12,772
♪ Men. ♪
446
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:16,010
Unbelievable.
447
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,814
Rose is actually married.
448
00:18:18,815 --> 00:18:21,566
(chuckles)
Mrs. Manfred Quinn.
449
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,835
(big sigh)
450
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,771
I see it now.
451
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,639
I love her.
452
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,208
I've always loved her.
453
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:31,977
I'm sorry.
454
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,979
It's true what
they say, Alan.
455
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:36,782
You don't know what you
got until it's gone.
456
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,885
Well... you still got me.
457
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:43,989
You're not who they had
in mind when they said it.
458
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,627
I'll always
love you, Rose.
459
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,146
(smacks lips)
460
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,467
Mrs. Manny Quinn.
461
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,770
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
462
00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:02,236
♪ Men. ♪
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net
32341
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
