All language subtitles for Buck.Wild.2013.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

Oh, no.

My tulips.

I'm real sorry,
Clyde.

Not as sorry as
you're going to be.

[candy]
No! Oh!

How could you?

We were
in love, Daddy!

He was going to take me
to New Mexico!

Oh, Candy,
go get in the damn trailer.

But we were in love!

Yeah. Do it now.

I said now, damn it! Go!

Aah! Ugh!

I hate you!

Yeah, well,
that makes two of us.

[country music plays]

[thunk, rattling]

Damn it, Candy!

[wind howling]

Baby girl?
Is that you?

[growl]

[snarling]

[growling, snarling]

Chupacabra?

[screaming]

Aah! The chupacabra!

(Craig) Will you please
give this trip a chance?

I promise
we're going to have fun.

[keyboard clacking]
All right? Huh?

Just us friends? Huh?

[cellphone chimes]
Hunting off the /and.

Who are you texting?

Your girlfriend.
She says hi.

[clacking continues]
[cellphone chimes]

[coughs]

So, I hate to be a nag,

but would you mind
cracking the window

or just putting
that out altogether?

I just got this shirt back
from the dry cleaners

and I'd like to wear it
more than o-once.

Or do that.

Thanks.

(Craig) Tom, Jerry's
from New York.

Tell him, Jerry.

Yeah,
I'm from New York.

Oh, really?

What brings you
to Texas, Jerry?

(Craig) Ah, Jerry's
here femporaril y.

Just till he gets
some stuff sorted out.

Uh, stuff?

Ah, wh--
what kind of stuff?

Just some stuff that I
should have taken care of

when I had the chance.

[chuckles]

Say, wouldn't you
be more comfortable

if we put that big bag
in the back?

It might make it easier
for you to eat those peanuts.

Actually, Tom,

I'd be a lot more comfortable
if we put you in the back!

I'm just messing
with you, man!

You're so uptight.

[chuckHng] You almost
wet your panties, Tom.

But don't you ever think
about touching this bag...

Ever.

Anyone want a treat?

Geez. Wh-- do those
have pot in them, Lance?

Well, geez, Mom, does anyone
still use the word "pot?"

I'll take
one of them, boss.

No! Guys, come on.
All right?

Look, we have to go
into town first,

and then we have
to go meet Clyde.

Who the hell is Clyde?
He-- [sighs]

He owns Buck Wild Ranch.

Well,
I'm with you, boss.

And whatever we kill,
I'm doing the skinning

'cause I'm good
with a knife.

Damn good.

[Jerry laughs]

Clyde. Sounds
awesome, Craig.

[indistinct conversation]

[horse whinnies]

[horse snorts, whinnies]

[bell rings]

Uh, why do I have
to sit in the back

With Jeffrey Dahmer?
[sighs]

Sorry, guys.
He's family, okay?

He doesngt know
anybody out here.

Probably 'cause
he's killed them all.

Stuffed them away
in that duffel bag of his.

Seriously, did you
see how he was

keeping watch
over that thing?

The guy's straight out
of a Scorsese film.

And what's with
the peanuts?

It's like he's working
with a new prosthetic.

All right, look, I know
he's a bit intense, okay?

But will you
do me a favor

and just give
the guy a chance?

[car horn honks
to the tune of "Dixie"]

Oh, lovely.

I'm not built for this.

[british accent]
Good day, gentlemen.

It's got to be
the brownies.

Uh, good day, uh, sir.

Is there a problem?
Yes, actually.

You appear to be
parked at my pump.

Your pump?

Yes, you see, I'm what
the locals around here

refer to as a "badass,"
an outlaw really,

and am therefore afforded
certain liberties.

In this case, I've chosen
this pump as my pump,

hence why I'm asking you
to move your bloody truck.

Hey, Billy Ray!

They got one
back here hiding!

You quit that hiding!

You quit that hiding!

You quit that hiding!

[laughter]

Look, gentlemen,

I can see that
you aren't from around here.

So I'll allow you
to leave with your dignity.

Oh, yeah?
And what if we don't?

Yeah,
it's the brownies.

Terribly sorry,
gentlemen.

Always losing my keys,
you know.

Let's begin again.

(Craig)
Whoa.

Hey. We don't want
any trouble, all right?

Well, it looks like
we got trouble.

This is stupid.
Jerry, we're going to move.

Or we can stay

and Mr. Peanut here and his Dixie
chicks can fill up someplace else.

[radio chatter]

What we got going on
out here, boys?

Just some harmless
male bravado, Shipley.

Uh-huh.

Looks like a couple bucks
marking their territory to me.

And it's Officer Shipley,
Billy Ray.

How many times
have I got to tell you?

What's your story, son?

Hey!

An officer of the Texas Parks and
Wildlife just addressed you, boy.

Game Warden Shipley?
[chuckles]

Hi. Craig Thompson.

Ah, we were just
getting some gas,

and then we were going to meet our
guide out at Buck Wild Ranch.

You guys going
to meet Clyde?

That's him.
Shoot. I see.

Well, when you see him,

you ask him if he's seen
any chupacabras lately.

[laughter]

All right, boys, disperse.

And, Billy Ray...

'90'! my eyes on you.

[radio chatter]

[engine turns over]

IbeHeve
a "We shall meet again"

is in order.

[engine turns over]

What's
a chupacabra?

I think he said
"chalupa."

He said "chupacabra."

It's a legendary cryptid

rumored to inhabit
parts of the Americas.

The infamous chupacabra,
or "goat sucker,"

drinks the blood
of its victim.

Some say they're
rabid coyotes with mange.

Others swear
they're pure evil.

How the hell
do you know all that?

Ah, I used to hook up
with a Mexican farm girl.

(Craig)
Hi.

Are you Clyde?

Are you Clyde
with Buck Wild Ranch?

Um.
[chuckles]

My name is--
Craig Thompson.

So, you are Clyde.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

The game warden
back in town,

he wanted me to ask you
about a, uh, chupacabra?

Son, are you
trying to be a smartass?

Oh, no, sir.

Did somebody tell you
that Buck Wild Ranch

was taking applications
for smartasses?

No, sir.

Well, then don't talk shit
you don't know shit about.

Sure.

Yes, sir.

Follow me.

[Clyde retching]

Everything all right
there, boss?

Let's get this over with.

Jeez”.

[door creaks]
[Clyde coughs]

All right, this is
your weekend retreat.

I call it "The Haven."

[flies buzzing]

[coughing]

Gather 'round and listen up.
[coughs]

I'm only going
to say this once.

Bed is for sleeping.

Pool table is for pooling.

TV is for watching.

You got four channels total,

five if you fool
with the rabbit ears.

Haven, my ass.

Uh...it's cozy.

That mouth of yours is going
to take you to a bad end, son.

Psst,
hey, come here.

Table for eating.

Yeah, after a good cleaning.
Shh.

This is the kitchen.
For cooking?

Say, where did you come up with
that name, Buck Wild? I like it.

If you'll look out back,

youWlnoHce a barbecue
pit for barbecuing,

a seating area
for seating,

and a 4-by--
[coughing]

A 4X4.

It's got two tanks of gas,
count them, one, two,

and I expect them to
be full when youleave.

I don't want nobody
hotdogging in her, neither.

Oh, no, sir.

Uh, no--
no hot dogs here.

[moans]

[5i9hS. giggles]

(Clyde)
All right, listen up.

This here is The Haven.

And this is the road
we come in on.

You got
one, two, three, four,

five deer blinds
on Buck Wild Ranch.

You can hunt
at any of them.

But do not...
[coughs]

I repeat, do not
cross this fence line

'cause this here
is Billy Ray's place.

And Billy Ray is a badass.

Oh, damn it, Candy!

We weren't
doing nothing.

Get in the damn truck.

You stay out of my life!

Now.
Ugh!

[door slams]

You like Candy?

Uh, Candy seems
very, uh...

sweet.

You a damn comedian!

The whole lot of you.

Disrespectful punks.

Miserable damn pissants!

You try not
to kill each other.

[door slams]

Phew.

Anyone want a treat?

[ringing]

(Carla) Hello? Hey, baby,
what are you up to'?

(man) Take your top off. We're going
to the hot tub! (Carla) Stop!

Who's that'? Where are you'?
Mike, we're doing it!

[man} Just take your top off!
(Carla) What?

I can't hear you.
I'm at a party.

Baby, it's 4:30.

Yeah,
it sure is, Craig.

Okay, well, uh,
th-that's cool.

[man] Get off the phone! (Carla)
I have another call coming in.

I hope you and the boys are having
fun on your little camping trip.

Uh, hunting trip.

Uh-huh. Okay.
I got to go.

O-okay. I love you. [man]
Get off the phone, bitch!

[cellphone beeps]

Shit.

Hey,
you got a minute?

Sure, buddy. What's up?

Well, uh...

[sighs]
you see, it's...

Lance.

Hey, you know
what your problem is?

You're worried
about them other guys.

Don't you fret,
little buddy.

This is going to be
one hell of a trip.

I mean not as good as the
one I had planned last year

but a close second
or third.

Top 5-- 10.

[chuckles]
Thanks.

You see th-th-that's
not really it.

Um, wh-what I
wanted to say--

[woman moaning on cellphone] Whoo!
There she is! Hold on.

[cellphone beeps]

He)'-

Oh, no,
I'm doing just fine.

Oh, no, we'll get you
to the church on time,

don't you worry.

Wala!

Isn't this great?

So peaceful.

Just us friends,
eating meat...

[knife scrapes]

Sharpening knives...

Gathered
around an open fire.

You know,
I know some of you

would have liked to have
gone someplace else,

but, um...

it feels good having
you guys out here with me.

Well, we're glad to be
out here with you, too, buddy.

Even though the drive
was a little inconvenient,

but definitely
a top-10 trip.

We've only taken
five or six trips, Lance.

Shut up, Tom.

[cellphone chimes]

Hey, guys.

I have a little announcement
I want to make.

[sighs]
[cellphone chimes]

Lance?
Just a sec.

[keyboard clacking]

[cellphone chimes]

Okay-

Um, I've been saving up
for quite some time now,

and, uh, well,
come Monday morning--

[screaming]

Oh! Made yourself a little
friend did you, buddy?

(Tom)
What the hell is that?

I don't know. I strangled
it over by the trash.

Get that away from me,
Lance.

Well, this is--
this is outrageous!

Oh, come on, Tom.
Stop being a little queer.

You know what?
I think I'm--

I'm just going
to go to bed.

Okay, all right.
I'm sorry, boss.

It was just a joke.
Come on, don't go.

No, I'm a little tired
from the drive.

Sit down!

Drink it!

[clears throat]

I'm sorry, boss.

Proceed with
what you were saying.

Right.

Uh, yeah, okay,

Um, before the whole...
dead animal thing, um,

I was actually going
to tell you guys

that, well...

I'm going to ask
Carla to marry me.

I'm sorry, Jerry.
My bad.

Is that
what I think it is?

Yeah, Lance, I-- I'm going
to ask Carla to marry me.

That's beautiful, boss.

Wow.
Well, congrats, man. Wow.

You guys are just
perfect for each other--

Just--just perfect.

Thanks,Lance.

You know you're
the best man right?

Uh-huh. Sure thing, partner.
Yeah.

Well, uh...Mm.

You know, I think I'm
going to hit the hay.

Yeah, I'm not much
of a morning person

and I know we're getting
up early, so...

Really?

Yeah, no, l-I'll see
you guys tomorrow,

in the morning.

Well, all right, buddy.
Good night.

Sleep tight.

Tom, is Lance all right?
Yep. Fine.

Tom?

Look, I don't know
if this is true or not,

but it's really been
killing me lately,

and I hate to say this
because what if I'm wrong,

but then again,
I think I'm right.

But then again--
Tom.

I think Lance is having
an affair with Carla.

What?!
Oh, boy.

Shh! What are you
talking about, Tom?

Okay, remember--

Remember when I came by
a few months ago

to drop those DVDs off?
there were several.

And by the way, "Love
Actually" is a great movie.

Tom!
Sorry, um, well...

You weren't home yet,
but...he was.

So? Lance comes over
all the time.

Lance and Carla
are good friends.

But that--
that's too far away.

I mean, th-that
could be anybody.

That could be anybody.

Really, Tom? Huh?

You're going to come at me
with this garbage?

No, not cool.

Not cool, Tom!

I'm sorry, Craig.

Yeah, I--

I'm going to bed.

Did you really
strangle that thing?

(Jerry)
Hey!

Everything all right in here, boss?
Yeah.

[sighs]

Nietzsche once said,

"Love is a state in which
a man sees things

"most decidedly
as they are not."

Thanks.

What that means
is that women are crazy.

You can't allow them
to twist your reality.

I mean, you've been with
this broad for what, a year?

Maybe two?
Am I right?

Six years actually.

[chuckHng]
Six years?

Really?
Yeah.

All right, so you've been
with this chick for six years

and she's out
banging some other guy,

giving it to him
every night

and then crawling
home to you

where you got to pick up
the sloppy seconds.

The worst part about that
is you don't even know

you're getting
sloppy seconds.

Man, I tell you, that's
like when somebody

puts a hair in your food
or spits in your iced tea.

All right,
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Nothing happened, okay?

I don't want to talk
anymore about it.

Look, I know
you're trying to help,

but...I'm fine.

Aah.

Hey, Craig,

need anything
to help you sleep?

I got a little something
that'll knock you right out.

[chuckles]
I'm sure you do, Jerry.

Hey, Craig,

thanks for inviting
me along.

[chuckles]

Sure.

[injector hisses,
Jerry grunts]

[groans]

[stifled]
Good night.

[crickets chirping]

[door creaks]

[door creaks, closes]

[knife scraping]

Hey. Candy?

You in there?

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Candy?

[clatter]

Candy, is that you?

What the hell?

Do me, Lance.

Okey-dokey.

Hey.
[Candy grunts]

[belt buckle jingles]
Careful now.

Easy now. Easy.

There's plenty of Lance to go around.
[pants unzip]

[moaning]

Hey, is everything all right?
[growling]

C-Candy?

[grunts]
Wow.

So, you want to play rough, huh?
[growls]

Wow.

Too rough!

Man.

Wow. Yeah.

Ooh! Oh.

[moaning]
[chuckles]

I-is that blood?

[chuckles]

[guttural voice]
Do me, Lance!

[growls]
Oh. my God!

A-are you okay?
You look sick.

[normal voice]
It's just the sniffles.

[guttural voice]
Do me, Lance!

Yeah, look,
I should probably just go.

Big day tomorrow.
You know how it goes.

Look, now, uh,
I'm no germ freak

but you look like you might be
coming down with something.

[laughs]

[clattering]

M-my health insurance
just lapsed.

Health insurance?

I'm in between jobs
at the moment.

Do me, Lance!

Hey, you know, I think
I've got some cough syrup

back at the--
back at the old cabin.

I'll just--
I'll just go grab you some.

Don't you want
a piece of Candy?

Yeah.

[growls]

[screams]

[birds chirping]

[indistinct shouting]

Shit!

[grunting]

[glass shatters]

Wha-chat!

Hoo! What are you doing, Jerry?

Training.

Could you maybe train
with a pair of pants on, huh?

I wouldn't want Clyde
to come by--

Or anyone else,
for that matter.

Clothes are
too confining, boss.

They interfere with the spiritual
alignment of the body.

I tell you,

if it weren't illegal,
I'd be naked all the time.

Yeah, well
it is illegal, okay?

Even way out here.

Almost done here, boss.

How'd you sleep?

Good.

Uh, good. Good sleep.

You know...
[grunts]

I was thinking a lot
about last night, you know.

Then I started thinking about how
you've been so good to me lately

and how
I'd like to, uh...

like to do something-- a
little something nice for you.

That's all right, Jerry. Putting
on pants is good enough.

No, no, no, no.

We're cousins,
family.

So I was
thinking about it.

If you want me to,

I can take care
of this for you.

Take care of what,
Jerry?

Look, you're a good man.

You're a damn good man.

You deserve respect.

But I can see that
you're...

a little sensitive,
a little weak.

But that's okay.

So, if you want me to,

I can take care
of this for you.

Look, hunting accidents
happen all the time, boss.

I can do it real quick.
Lance won't feel a thing.

No! No! Jerry! Jerry!
Boom!

Jerry, thank you,
all right?

Thank you, but it's not
a good idea, all right?

At all. At all.

All right, boss.

Oh, you know,
y-y-you're such a good guy.

(Tom)
Wow.

Oh, hey, Tom!

Jerry, do you mind?

And I usually just
go shopping with my cousins.

Yeah, you would, Mary.
Whatever.

Has anyone seen Lance?

He's not inside?

Nope.

That's weird.

(Jerry) Well, maybe
he went out already.

[sighs]
Let's go, huh?

Deer blinds.
10 minutes.

Put some pants on!

[gun cocks]

[toilet flushes]

What?

When nature calls,
I say hello.

I'll just hold it.

It ain't good
to hold it in.

All right, load up!

Stop!

Is nature calling?

Stop the truck!

[inhales deeply, sighs]

Here is good.

We're going to the
deer blinds, Jerry.

I don't like to sit
and hide in a blind

like some rat in a hole,
waiting for the onslaught.

No way.

I choose to take
the fight to them.

Offense,
not defense, baby!

You do know the deer
don't have guns, right?

And remember what I
told you, Jerry.

I-I-I don't need you to
take care of anything.

What?
[sighs]

What was that about?

[gun cocks]

Did you call Carla?

Please, Tom, whisper.

We're hunting.
Did you call Carla?

I her.

And?

She didn't text back. Yeah.
[clicks tongue]

She's probably too busy
texting Lance.

Don't be an asshole, Tom.

Fine, but I
want you to know

I wouldn't lie to you about
something like this, Craig.

I don't think
you were lying.

I just-- I don't think you
know what you saw, all right?

Lance wouldn't do that,
and neither would Carla.

Oh,no?
Well, Lance is a slut.

And you know what?
Before the two of you

started dating,
so was Carla.

You take that back, Tom!
Why? You know it's true.

And you know I love Carla. She's the only
girl I know who could pull off a perm.

But let's face it.

Before the two of you started
dating, she had a reputation.

Craig! No!
Shh!

Don't be an idiot, Tom.

Sorry. Your cousin
has me on edge.

My face is breaking out all over the place.
I'm not built for this.

Are you going
to kill something?

Yes, dumb-ass.

It's called hunting,
not bird watching.

Fine.

Just let me know
so I can cover my ears.

And I like birds.

Oh, I know
you do, Tom.

Look, I'm not trying
to ruin your weekend

or screw up your
relationship with Carla.

But if you're going to ask her to
spend the rest of her life with you,

I feel you should
at least know.

If I'm wrong, then
we can laugh about it later.

But if I'm right,
you're going to thank me

for helping you avoid one
of the biggest mistakes of--

[deer cries]
Asshole!

Oh! Oh! Great.

Now my ears are ringing.

I better not have
permanent hearing damage.

Ow.
[growling]

Are deer supposed
to sound like that?

Oh, Shit!

Oh, shit!
What? What is it?

I shot Clyde!
What?

Aah!

He's alive.
Help me.

Ah!
Whoa!

Ohh!

[growls]
Clyde, can you hear me?

Look, I'm so,
so sorry, sir.

Tom, help me.

Uh, I don't know.
What's wrong with him?

W-w-what do you mean
what's wrong?

He's been shot!

Obviously, Craig! But is
all that supposed to happen?

Gee, Tom,
I don't know, all right?

I've never shot anybody
before, okay?

Well, you don't have
to get snippy!

I just don't know, okay?

I'm scared, all right?
I'm just scared!

Tom, will you
just calm down?

I need you
to come over here.

Okay? We need to get him
into the back of the truck.

We're going to take him
to the hospital.

Oh, he smells like shit.

We're going to lift
with the legs, okay?

[straining]
one, two, three.

[growls]

[gunshofl

We don't tell
nobody about this.

Are you
out of your mind?

He is out of his mind!

And I told you that from the beginning!
I said it!

I said this guy
is going to kill someone!

And now we're fucked
because he's dead!

He's a fucking dead man!

[gunshofl

Now he's dead.

Give me that!

Come on.
Oh!

I'm an accessory
to murder!

That's it!
My life is over!

I'm going to jail
and it's fine for him.

He'll probably
end up there anyway!

Oh!

He's still moving!

How many guns do you have?
Stop it, boss!

Come on, I got to put one in his head!
No! It's enough!

Aah!
Aah!

We don't have
much time, boss!

What?

Clyde turned.
There will be others.

[sniffing]

What the hell?

[flies buzzing]

That's the same deer
I saw in my scope.

Did Clyde do that?

They'll come for us.

What?

Zombies.

Get ready, boys.

It's about to get buck wild.

Everyone get in the truck.

What are we going to do?
Just get in the truck!

[country music on radio]

[siren wails]

Oh, great.

[music stops]

Maybe he's seen Lance.

Lance is dead, baby.
What?

Everyone shut up!
All right?

I'll handle this.

[sighs]

Good afternoon, officer.

[light laughter]
(Ship/ey) You know,

I heard a bunch of shots
go off a minute ago.

Sounded like
Bagh-fucking-dad.

We ain't done nothing.

Sir, we--
sorry about that.

We-- we just wanted
to make sure that, uh,

th-that we got him.
Uaughs]

I lave;
this hunting thing!

Well, you know, you only
got to put one in them,

aslong as you put it
in the right spot.

[laughter]

Whew!

Did you tag him?

Tag him?

Did you tag him?

Did you put a damn tag
in your deer's ear

to make it legal,
dipshit?

Oh! Oh, oh, d-did we--

Did we tag him
t-to make it legal?

Uaughs]
Oh,yeah.

No, no, sure, yeah.
No, we tagged him.

Yeah! Yeah! Tagged him
twice just to be sure.

We tagged it.

We ain't
done nothing.

Kindly step from your
vehicle, gentlemen.

Boys,

We got a little saying
out here

Goes a little something
like this.

If something stinks,

chances are you're probably
standing in shit.

And guess
what I smell, boys?

Shit?

Circle gets
the fucking square.

I smell shit.

Well, that's probably 'cause
you're standing in it.

[cows mooing]
[flies buzzing]

Damn it!

Oh, you think
this is funny, huh?

Well, let me see
yourload!

Wait. Load?

Your damn deer!
Wait. Wait. Wait.

Don't you need, like,
a warrant or something?

Yeah! Yeah!
A search warrant!

I'm not checking
for a bag of marijuana here.

I'm checking your load. Now
step aside, son. Okay, okay.

Uh, but th-there's
something you should know.

Playtime is over, dipshit.

Let's see what you got
under the tarp.

[sheriff groans]
We ain't done nothing.

[injector hisse 5] What
the hell are you doing?!

Our goose was cooked, boss.
I had no other choice.

You killed him?

He killed him, Craig!

Easy, twinkle toes.

He's just going
to take a little siesta.

What happens when he
wakes up, Jerry, huh?

Have you thought of that? Did
you fucking think of that?

We'll belong gone
by then, or dead.

Just help me with his feet. Come on,
we got to get him back in his truck.

Do it yourself.

[grunts]

Where's the body?

I told you. You got
to destroy the brain.

[ringing]

(Lance voice-mail)
Hey there, heartbreaker.

I can't come
to the phone right now.

I'm on some
bullshit camping trip.

But go ahead
and leave a message

and I just might get back to you.
[beep]

Lance, where the hell
are you, man, huh?

I need you to come back to
the lodge, okay? Like, ASAP!

We're in a lot of trouble.
I'll explain later--

At least, I think I can.
It's kind of weird.

I need you to come back
to the lodge, all right?

And also...
[sighs]

I need to ask
you something.

Okay, it's something
I heard.

I don't even think
you'd do something like this.

I don't even know
how to ask, but, uh...

are you--

are you sleeping
with Carla?

[female voice] To erase
and re-record, press

Shit. To continue recording
where you left off, press "4. "

[beep]
at the lone, please"

[sighs]
Lance, uh, it's Craig.

Come back to the lodge ASAP.
Thank you.

Are you sure you don't
want to come with us?

And become an accessory
to any more murders?

No. I think I'm fine
on my own. Thanks.

All right, just meet us
back here in an hour.

And call us
if you find him.

Thanks again for the
awesome weekend, Craig.

Top 10 for sure.

Damn it!

[coyote howls]

Whatcha see, boss?

Come on.

[engine shuts off]

All right, wait here.

[gun cocks]
And put that away!

Are you sure, boss?
Yes.

[wind howling]

[clatter]

Hello?

Lance?

Are you here, buddy?

[clatter]

[clatter]

Lance?

[clatter]

Hey!
Aah! Holy shit!

Sorry, boss. I thought I told
you to wait in the truck.

I couldn't let you
go in alone.

I found
Lance's jacket outside.

Do you have alight?

Where did you get--
never mind.

Hey...

I think
we found your friend.

Lance,
isthatyou,buddy?

[growls]

What's wrong with him?

It kind of looks like
the guy you shot, huh, boss?

Wait. What do you mean
the guy I shot?

The old-timer, Clyde. No, I know what
you're talking about, all right,

and I accidentally
shot him, okay?

You're the one that turned
him into Swiss cheese!

I had to.
He was a zombie.

And he'd be dead right now if you
let me put one into his head.

Isn't any of this starting
to click with you, boss?

I mean, look at him.

That's no good.

[both screaming]

Still convinced
he ain't a zombie, boss?

Th-that's just stupid, all right?!
I mean, h-he's just sick.

You know the bug
that's going around.

Clyde! Clyde probably
gave it to him. Bug?

Oh, yeah, yeah, these are
definitely flu-like symptoms.

Look at him!
[growling]

You want me to prove it to you?
No! No!

All right, then what do you
want to do with him, huh?

Take him to dinner?
Look at him!

We're going to take him
into town to a hospital.

Oh, yeah,
that's a good idea.

We'll take the zombie
to the hospital,

and then he'll be back boning
your girlfriend in no time!

Be sure to tag him.

God, I really hate you.

Did you remember to read
him a bedtime story?

Don't you dare
shoot him, Jerry.

I'll do what needs doing
when the time comes.

That's the difference
between the two of us.

[man] I can't believe
what you did last night.

I wouldn't tell anybody
if it was me.

[laughter]

You need to keep
those cucumbers to yourself.

[laughs]

You have to learn
how to put this stuff on.

Clyde?

Is that you?

[growls]

Hey, Clyde.
Seen any chupacabras lately?

[laughter]

[growls]

[screaming]

[door creaks]

Tom?
Tom, are you here?

We found Lance!

All right, where do you want him?
Bathroom.

Ah, Shit.

All right.
Here you go.

Christ on a bike.

All right. Okay.

[scoffs]

[bag unzips]

[sniffs]

What?

This is pathetic.

What, Jerry? Huh?
That I help my friends out?

Look, I don't know how they do
it on the East Coast, okay,

but down here we don't shoot our
friends when they get inconvenient.

This Isn't "The Godfather!"
Hey!

You're goddamn right
this ain't

'Cause Michael Corleone would do
what he had to do, all right?

He killed his own brother

for the good of the family,
for God's sake!

Oh, yeah, and he
was wracked with guilt

for the third film, all right,
and never the same!

It was a despicable thing to do!
Enough!

I will not have you
talking about Michael this way

and the difficult decisions
that he had to make, all right?

He was a man!
A man!

He was a character
in a fucking movie!

It's not just a fucking movie!
It's a goddamn epic trilogy!

Yes, with one of the worst
endings in cinema history,

all right?
[laughs]

Andy Garcia?
Are you fucking kidding me?

Take it back!
Never!

Take it back!
Aah!

[both grunting]

Ha ha!
Take it back!

Yeah! Take it back!
Never! Never!

Take it back!
No! Never!

[cellphone ringing]
Get off me!

Get off me!
It could be Tom.

[both panting]

To-- aah!
It's Tom.

Tom?

Tom, we found Lance!

We--
where are you?

[Tom speaking indistinctly]
Tom?

T-Tom, I can't hear you.
(Tom) Help!

[dial tone] Tom? To-- Shit.

[door opens]
Where are you going?

To find your faggoty friend.
He may still be alive.

If I were you, I'd shoot
the zombie in the bathroom.

Michael Corleone would
have done it in the barn.

[country music plays]
[vehicle approaches]

Damn it.

Hold on a minute.

On hold, lemon pie.

Holy hell.

Can I get you
anything else, hon?

[bell jingling]

[groaning]

Y'all want
smoking or non?

[coyote howls]

[car horn honks
to the tune of "Dixie"]

[car door closes]

(Billy Ray)
Oh, we have a trespasser.

(Tom)
Jerry!

All right, Billy Ray.

Le;t':s; how b:ad:as;:s; you :are;.

Hi, this is Billy Ray and the
boys, and we're going hunting!

Fucking hunting!
Fucking hunting!

Fucking hunting!

[rock music plays]

Glad you could join us today.

We've got a special episode
for you

as we will show you
how to track and hunt

the ever-elusive
Texas panther.

Damn it. [men] Fucking hunting!

[clatter] (Billy Ray) A/one
outside in these parts"

Totally badass.

Lance? The Texas panther
is like the--the me.

And that's why
I'm going to kill one.

[men]
Fucking hunting!

[TV chatter]

[Lance groaning]

Lance?

Buddy?

Can I get you anything?

You want--
you want a ginger ale?

[growls]

[news intro music plays]

[a nchorma n]
From ne wscenter 25,

we interrupt your
regularly scheduled program

to bring you
this late breaking news.

According to various sources
throughout the south Texas region,

there have been numerous
reports of a massive outbreak

of what appears to be a peculiar
strain of the flu virus.

Over 150 cases
have already been reported

within the last
half-hour alone.

Symptoms include
discoloration of the skin,

bleeding from the eyes,
nose, and mouth,

loss of motor skills,
and violent acts of aggression

towards loved ones, friends,
and church-goers.

Now back to your
regularly scheduled program,

"Billy Ray and Friends."
What'?

I said
how about you draw then?

[pounding]
[growling]

Lance!

Oh, shit.
Listen to me.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

[pounding continues]

Lance!

[pool balls c/ank]

Lance!

Lance!

Come on, buddy!
It's me!

Don't make me do it!

Don't make me do it!

Shit!

[growling]
I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, that looks bad.

[screams]

[growling continues]

[injector hissing]

[panting]

[sighs]
Knock you right out.

[indistinct shouting]
[country music plays]

[shouting continues]

[muffled moaning]

All right, Murph.
Stand him up, please.

Aah!

Now,
let's try this again.

What were you doing
on my property?

I told you, I didn't know
I was on your property.

Everything out here
looks the same!

Aah!

Do I look like a fool to you?
No!

He'5 lying,
Billy Ray-

Really, Murph?
H-he's lying?

He just said he didn't
think I was a fool.

I'll let you think
on that one.

Look!
I'm sorry for trespassing.

I promise, I had no idea!
Please, just let me go.

Or at least let me put some pants on.
The floor is cold.

I'm afraid
it's just not that easy.

You see, I'm what the locals
around here refer to as a badass.

Now, if I just
allowed you to leave

without suffering
the consequences,

well, that might
soil a reputation

I've worked so tirelessly
to maintain.

You understand?

So, that's a no to the pants then?
Hmm.

Hey! Let's give him
a spanking!

What? No!

[All chanting "spanking"]

[chanting in slow-motion]

[indistinct shouting]

[laughs]

[shouting continues]

[laughs]

[clears throat]

[shouting continues]

Oh, yeah,
you like that?

[gun cocks]

Hey, hillbillies.

Spank this.

[gun cocks]
shit.

[music stops]
So we do meet again.

[laughter]

(Tom) Hello. You've reached
Thomas Alexander III.

I will be participating in

the barbaric ritual
of hunting this weekend,

but if you
leave me a message,

someone will
get back to you shortly.

Oh, God.
[beep]

Tom! It's Craig, all right?

Where the hell are you?
Okay, we found Lance.

All right, he's sick.
Okay, very sick.

[sighs] Look, Jerry's
out looking for you.

And I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

I just-- I need you to give me
a call back ASAP, all right?

And change your voice-mail.

"Someone will be
getting back to you?"

I mean,
that just sounds gay.

I mean, it's stupid.

[sighs] To hell with it.
It's gay, okay?

And that's okay because
if you're gay, then I'm cool,

so just come out with it,
you know?

I mean, t-that is
if you're gay, that is.

[female voice] 7'0 erase
and re-record, press "3. "

Damn it! To continue recording
where you left off, press "4. "

[bee p]
Message erased.

Tom, it's Craig. Please
come back to the lodge ASAP.

We've found Lance.

[Q rC)V\/[S]
Aah!

[screaming]

Aah!

[whimpers]

Lance?

Lance,buddy?

Look, that's too much.
Aah!

[man on TV] Also, if you
want to kill yourself,

if this sounds like
your life story,

have I got
the perfect product for you.

[mid-tempo music plays]

It's the Studabaker
Acculevel 2000.

It's perfect for straightening
pictures and nooses.

The Studebaker Acct.//e me! 2000

will help you kill
two birds with one stone.

The only thing worse than a
picture that won't hang right

is a noose that
won't hang you right.

Am I right?

So avoid the embarrassment
of crooked pictures

and failed suicide attempts.

Sir, I know you're upset,

but I'm asking you--

No, I'm begging you.

May I please
have a pair of pants?

Trespassers
receive no such luxuries.

Then why does he
get to wear his pants?

Why am I the only one
who's naked?

Would you prefer
if we were all naked, Tom?

Jerry!
Silence!

How dare you invade the sanctity
of my gentlemen's club!

I am a badass!

Oh, from where I'm
sitting, it looks like

you just want
some ass...bad.

How dare you
speak so to me?

You will learn humility.

You're never going
to get away with this, boss.

Sheriff O'Connor,

How are you this evening?
[gunshot]

So you see, we've already
gotten away with it.

And as long as that bloody
game warden keeps his distance,

we will continue
getting away with it.

But he always manages
to ruin all my fun.

I really wonder where he is right now. You
know, it's unlike him not to drop by.

Great.

You do realize that
you probably have

an entire army of undead
headed this way?

[laughter]

My thoughts exactly.

[growling]

[shouting, cat-calling]

[growls]

Wiggle my bean at this!
One at a time, boys.

Remember, this is
a gentlemen's club.

[Candy growling]

Is she--
Yep.

What are you doing?
Getting us out of here.

Unless you want to be part of the
buffet that's about to begin.

[shouting continues]

There we go.

My pants!

There we go.

What are you doing?

If I'm going to die, I'm going
to do it in a pair of pants.

Untie me first!

(Murph)
Hey!

They's free!

[growls]

Damn skinny jeans!

About time, buttercup.

Shut up, goombah.

Eat shit, sparkle fairy!

Dale! Move!

That's it. There we go.
Come on. That's it.

There we go.

There we go.

Aah!

Ooh. Not such a badass now,
are you, Billy Ray?

[screaming]

Whoa-hoo!
[growls]

Whoa-hoa-hoo-hoo!

Whoo! Ha ha!

Yeah! Ha ha!

Whoa!
baby!

[laughs]
Whoa!

Whoa! h, man.

Oh, come on,
buck up, buttercup.

Hey, uh, I think there's some
trash bags in the back seat

if you, uh,
get a little chilly.

[laughs]

Oh, and don't worry.

I, uh, I won't tell anybody
about the ass raping.

Ass raping?

There wasn't
any fucking ass raping!

I was ridden around like
a pony and spanked.

That's it!

Yeah.

Whatever you say, boss.

[laughs]

Aah!
It's all right.

[laughs]
Whoa!

H. Whoa.
[laughs]

Hey, bastard came out of nowhere.
Uaughs]

You're really enjoying
yourself, aren't you?

Eh, well, yeah.

Looks like we got to make a
little pit stop. Uaughs]

To catch a Texas panther,

you're going to need
a panther of your own.

[D anther gro W/S]

[g unshot]
[cheering]

[laughs]

[cellphone rings]

Where the hell
are you guys?

[Carla] Craig? Carla!

What's going on?

Hey, well, uh, yeah,

th-th-that's
kind of a tough one.

Say, how are things
where you are?

What do you mean?

I mean, uh,

are people trying
to bite each other?

Bile each other?
Attacking--

Trying to maim
or kill really.

What are you talking about, Craig?
Never mind.

There's no fucking panthers.

You're at another party
again, huh?

Do not start with me.
Yes, I'm at another party.

Look, your text message said you had
to talk about something important.

Was that biting thing it?
Oh, no.

Look, I need to ask you
something, all right?

It's something that I heard about you...
[Lancelaughs]

And Lance.

Uh, look, Craig,
I-I-I can't really hear you.

I can '2' talk right now. We're
going to talk later, okay? Bye.

[beep]

Are you
sleeping with Lance?

[Lance laughs]

[TV chatter]

Fuck that!
It was him!

I came here to hunt!

Lance?

Are you
sleeping with Carla?

I know. I know.

Crazy. right?

It's just that Tom said
he saw you with Carla,

And the way you acted
when I showed you the ring--

I don't know.

I just get the feeling
that Carla is not happy.

Maybe I'm just insecure.

Lie back, Craig.

What?
On the couch.

Get comfortable.

You said something intriguing
just now, Craig.

I did?
Yes, Craig, you did.

You said
you were feeling insecure.

Well, yeah.
I mean, I guess so.

[sighs] I just get the
feeling I'm not good enough.

Were you breast-fed, Craig?

What? Did your mother
breast-feed you?

Lance,
you're acting weird.

[guttural voice] Just
answer the question! No.

Well, studies
have shown that

when a child, specifically
a male, is not breast-fed,

they oftentimes
lose their sense of security,

which usually
translates into

a dissociation
with the opposite sex.

Insecurity, Craig.

All right, Lance,
you're acting weird.

Craig, it's my belief
that Carla is not the issue,

or some nasty rumor.

It's your mother, Craig.

My mother?

[guttural voice]
yes, Craig! Your mother!

I'm not so sure about-- [normal
voice] Think about it.

Carla loves you. She'd
never betray your trust.

It's been five years.
Six years.

[guttural voice]
Six years.

[normal voice]
Now, these feelings,

these insecurities
you're experiencing

are a direct result of the
essential motherly attention

that you were deprived of
as an infant.

Maybe you're right.

My mother never out off the crust
off on my peanut butter sandwiches,

and she knew
I liked them that way.

Bingo.

Thanks for talking,
Lance.

Any time, buddy boy.

[bell rings]

You're seriously
going to do this right now?

Hey, when nature calls,
I say hello.

Just hold it!

Eh, ain't good
to keep it inside.

[sighs] Shit. [gun cocks]

Back in a jiff.

I'm wearing a trash bag,
for Christ's sake.

You look good in black.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Idiot.

[country music plays]

Shit!

“Art
Ah'. S'!

[humming]

Ow!
Yes!

What the hell?

Oh!
You're not a zombie?

What are you
talking about, boy?

I'm so sorry, it was just
weird the way you were

standing there just
staring at me like that.

You're wearing a garbage-bag
dress and I'm the weirdo?

Way to stereotype,
a-hole.

What? No.

And it's not a dress--
more like a robe or a wrap.

[growls] Anyway, I
didn't mean it that way.

Aah!
Shit!

[farting]

[screaming]

Jerry!

[groans]

Jerry! Aah!

[growling]

[grunting]

[screaming]

Aah! Die!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

[spitting]

Jesus.

I just killed
a priest, man.

You sure did.
With a crucifix no less.

That's kind of poetic.

Congrats.

Hey,you
aH fight,boss?

He didn't try to rape you
or anything, did he?

No, Jerry.

All right, it's just...

Well,
you're naked again,

and being a priest and all,
I thought maybe--

Thank you for pointing
that out, Jerry.

No problem, boss.

[slaps back]
Good work.

[car door handle jiggles]
Aw, damn /2'!

You locked the keys
in the truck!

Hello. I'm Isaac White.

And if you're watching this,
you're color-blind.

[mid-tempo music plays]

This video was made
for people like you and me

who can't tell the difference
between these two cards.

You probably have
a lot of questions

about your condition.

Lance?
Why can't I see color?

Buddy?

[growls]
Is this a compromise?

Am I more susceptible to
sexually transmitted diseases?

[growling]

And last but not least,
am I going to die?

[screaming]

Lance! You're sick!

Aah!

[gurgling]

No!

[clapping]

Bravo, boss.
Bravo.

It was an accident.
I didn't mean to do it.

Why are you naked, Tom?

Great trip, Craig.

I killed him.

I killed my best friend.

Not yet. You got
to destroy the brain.

Here, take my shotgun.

No!
Get that away from me!

It was an accident.

Well,
look at it this way.

At least you got your
girlfriend's vagina back, huh?

He didn't do that!
He told me so!

You will be missed,
my friend.

B.F.F.

[woman moaning on cellphone]

What the hell?

It's Carla's number.

[beep]

Hello?

(Carla)
Lance?

[deep voice]
Uh-huh.

Hey, so, I got a really weird
call from Craig earlier.

I think he might be on to us.
Has he said anything to you?

N 0.
Good.

Oh, maybe I'm just
being a little paranoid.

He's such a weirdo.

Anyway, I can't wait
for you to come back.

Mama's been a bad girl
and needs a spanking!

[normal voice]
Spanking?

Craig?

Bitch!

[beep]

[growling]

[gun cocks]

My mother
is a lovely woman!

I think he's dead,
boss.

[moaning on cellphone resumes]

[moaning stops]

Damn cellphones.

What the hell's
going on out here?

Retribution, baby.

Craig had to go
a little buck wild.

Carla, huh?

Bitch.

Aah!

Let's get the hell
out of here.

That's a good idea,
boss.

[groaning]

Once more unto the breach,
dear friends.

Bill Shakespeare.

I didn't know
they could drive.

[moaning, growling]

It doesngt look like they've
completely gotten the hang of it.

[gun cocks]
Get to the truck.

[engine sputters]
What the hell?

What is it?
We're out of gas.

We just had a full tank
this morning.

We were just at
a gas station, Jerry.

You didn't think
to fill up?

You were
at a gas station?

I forgot to
look at the gas gauge.

I'm-- I'm sorry, boss.

I'm sorry, boss!
I'm sorry, boss!

How can you not look
at the gas gauge?

It's right beside
the speedometer!

'Cause I never
look at the speedometer.

I'm going to kill you!
All right! All right!

Tom! Tom!
Hey, look! Stop!

Stop! Just stop!

We're just going
to have to make a stand

here at the ranch house.

Remember the Alamo?

Everyone was slaughtered
at the Alamo, Craig.

That's not the point, Tom,
all right?

This is where we fight.

This is where they die!

Huh?!

"300"? The movie?

[growling]

[glass shatters]

Nice turtleneck, Tom.

Fuck off, Craig.

What if we just
hold out until morning?

They can't be exposed
to sunlight, right?

(Jerry) Those aren't
vampires, Tom.

They're going to be out there
until we put a bullet

into every one
of their pretty little heads.

Well, we're screwed.

How much ammo
do we have, Jerry?

Ammo?
Oh, I got your ammo.

Gentlemen,
choose your weapons.

Wow. There are all sorts
of felonies in there.

Good work, Jerry.

[glass shatters]

This place isn't going
to hold much longer.

I know. I wish we could get
that damn truck to start.

I'm sorry about that,
boss.

W-wait. Wait a sec.

Aren't there a couple of gas
cans out back for the 4x4?

Remember? Clyde said
"One, two, count them."

Hey! That's right!
There are!

If we could get that gas
into Craig's truck,

we could get
the hell out of here!

That's beautiful, baby.
That's fucking beautiful!

I love you, Tom!
I fucking love you!

Okay, calm down.

All right,
it's going to be tough.

They're everywhere.

But if it's the only way...

it's time to get buck wild.

Buck wild, baby.

Buck wild.

[all]
Buck wild!

[Jerry inhales deeply]

Oh, god of war,

we pray to you in this,
our darkest hour.

[growling] Three mortal men melded
together by the flames of war.

Brought together,
we band of brothers

to keep at bay the evil
that has fallen upon us.

For we entered this place
as boys,

but tonight
we will leave as men.

[inhales deeply]

Our father,
who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done...

[all]
on Earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day
our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those
who trespass against us.

And lead us not
into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,
the power,

and the glory forever
and ever.

Amen.
L':c?h:aim.

Play ball.

So, who's
going out there?

I'll go.

No, no, no.

I'll go.

The gas thing
was my fault.

Don't you want a gun?

Nah. I got to improve
my blade skills.

Besides, swords don't run
out of bullets.

[clicks tongue, laughs]

[inhales deeply, exhales]

You ready?

[laughs]

Yahtzee!

[grunting, growling]

Aah!

Aaaaaaaaah!

That's a little over the top,
don't you think?

He made it!
Nice.

[bang, clattering]

They're coming in!

Stay here.
Use the shotgun.

Let Jerry back in,
but keep them out.

We need that gas.

Uh, really quickly...

how many bullets do I have

and where is the safety
on this thing?

I know
you can do this, Tom.

Hold them off.

Shit balls.

[zombies growling]

Aah!

Come on! Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Yes!

Shit!

Yes!

Yeah, baby!

[growls]

Oh, shit.

[screaming]

[glass shatters]

[Tom screaming]

[door handle jiggling]

Come on,
open the door!

Ride me!
Ride me like a pony!

You--

[screaming]

I'm coming for you,
boss!

Aah!
[panting]

Is that a fish?

Yeah.

Ifoundit
in the freezer.

Well, you're definitely
getting the award

for best kill
and most improved.

[laughs]
Th;/a'I'IkiS;,, Jerry.

[Craig screams]
Craig!

Aah! What took you guys
solong?

Tom had to play a little
game of "go fish."

What?
Never mind. Bad joke.

We got the gas.

Only one tank though.
I got blindsided.

That should be
good enough.

We got to make a
break for the truck.

I got this.

Tom! Tom,
help me with the door!

[screaming]

This is it!

Aah!
This is it, Craig!

' 901 you!
lg°tY0U,buddy!

Jerry!

[both scream]
Shoofl

What the hell, man?

[zombie groans]

I'm sorry, boss!
My aim is all off tonight.

I can usually make those.

Can you ever forgive me?

That's perfectly
all right, Jerry.

I accepted that you were
probably going to kill me.

Great trip, Craig.

Top 10...For sure.

Is he dead?!
Nah.

Nah, it's just
a flesh wound.

Probably just
passed out.

[glass shatters]

[zombie growls]

[screaming]

Torn!
Aah!

[fabric rips]

My turtleneck!
No!

Now he's dead.
[crash]

[gunfire]

Only the dead have seen
the end of war, boss.

That's Plato.

Thanks, Jerry.

I spilled
most of the gas, boss!

That's all right.
I guess this is it!

Goodbye, buddy!

See you on the other side,
brother!

[gunfire stops]

[shells clatter]

(S h I p I ey)
A ll rig/72', assholes!

Come out with your hands up.

It's time to pay the piper.

That's our ride!
Let's get out of here!

Get your asses
out here now!

[zombies growling]

What the hell?

[gun cocks]

Shit.

This is for Tom.

Shots fired! We got shots fired
at Buck Wild Ranch!

Damn it, Shirley!
Come on in!

Craig! Duck!

Yeah!

Suck on that,
you British hillbilly banana!

[laughs]

Eh? Eh?

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yahtzee.

This is it!
[radio chatter]

[screaming]

What in the holy hell
is going on here?

You two fags get out of the truck right now!
You're under arrest!

We didn't do nothing! Please,
sir, we'll explain later.

We got to go now!
I'm calling the shots!

I'm calling the shots!

We didn't do nothing! Please,
sir, we got to go now!

Get out!

Shit!
He's got the keys!

What?!
Shit.

[screaming]

We're not getting them back,
neither.

You know how to do that?

I'm from
[laughs]

Don't leave me.

I'm sorry.

[engine turns over]
Ah!

Here we go!

Whoa!

[sighs]

[sighs]

Hey, man, I, uh--

I want to apologize for

telling you that
I hated you yesterday.

Ah. Water under
the bridge, boss.

Thanks again
for inviting me along.

Top-10 trip.

And, uh, for the record,

I do like
"The Godfather" trilogy.

Thanks a lot, man.

That really
means a lot, man.

[bang]
[tires screech]

What the hell was that?

(Craig)
It's a buck.

It's a good,
clean kill, too.

Sure would be a shame
to waste him.

Make sure you tag him.

Hey, Jerry?
Yeah, boss?

W-w-what did--

What did you do anyway in--
in New York?

Uh, just had a handful
of unpaid parking tickets.

[laughs]

Yeah. And I might have
killed this guy, too, though.

But it was an accident.

It was a misunderstanding,
really.

I'm just messing
with you, boss!

[growls]