Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]

- ♪ Get hot ♪

♪ Get too close to the flame ♪

♪ Wild, open space ♪

♪ Talk like an open book ♪

♪ Sign me up ♪

♪ Got no time to take a picture ♪

♪ I'll remember someday ♪

♪ All the chances we took ♪

♪ We're so close ♪

♪ To something better left unknown ♪

♪ We're so close ♪

♪ To something better left unknown ♪

♪ I can feel it in my bones ♪

♪ Give me sympathy ♪

announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

Nikki Glaser!

[cheers and applause]

- What's up, Denver?

[cheers and applause]

[sighs] Look at you.

How's it going, guys?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, I deserve that.

Hi. How are you?

And how was your COVID?

Was it good? Mine was good.

I spent some time with family.

Questioned everything.

I mean, I survived it so far.

I--I kind of--

I couldn't say it when COVID first came out,

but, like, I, like, knew I wasn't gonna die from it.

Like, I just--

I know that's cocky.

And probably I'm wrong,

but I feel the same way about, like, texting and driving.

Like, I'm good. Like, I got it.

You shouldn't, but, like...

I'll be okay.

I know that's crazy, but...

I'm just different, you know?

I don't do it, but I could.

But I don't.

I really am good about it.

Like, if you ever see me texting and driving,

it's always 'cause I'm at an intersection,

just plowing through it.

But that's because it was important.

No, I just, like, did not think I was gonna die of it.

I just-- I just, like, don't get sick,

ever, like, physically sick.

That's not, like, a brag.

Mentally, I'm fucked, but, um--

oh, that'll take me out soon.

But, um-- and it's not 'cause I'm, like--

I--it's not 'cause I'm, like, genetically superior.

I just was, like, "I'm just not gonna die of it."

Like, I just-- I'm just, like, so gross

that my immune system is pretty great.

I just--

I'm--I'm gross. Like, I--

Like, I eat at Subway, like, proudly.

I love it.

I'll eat something off the ground.

Five-second rule. Like, five-month rule.

I don't care. Like...

sometimes I get jealous of my Roomba,

to be honest with you.

I was like, "I was gonna get that.

I was waiting for it to get, like, chewy."

I seriously am gross.

If you ever see me in a public restroom

and I'm, like, waving my hand under the soap dispenser

and it just doesn't come out--

like, it literally just is like...

[blows]

Like, it just, like, queefs nothing,

like, I don't go to another one.

I just go, "You know what? I tried.

That was good enough."

And I wash like there was something there.

I'll mime, like, "Ooh, suds," but there aren't any.

And you know that too.

I just don't care about germs.

So I don't know.

It was hard for me sometimes with the masks.

Like, I would be like, "I don't want to wear it.

I'm not scared."

But it's like, it's not about you.

Like, it's about other people.

I had to remember, like--

I created a mantra for myself

to remind myself of that, 'cause it was like,

"Okay, you don't care if you get it.

You just don't want to give it."

You're fine if you get it. You just don't want to give it.

It's like oral sex.

Like, you just don't want to give it

to the elderly, you know,

or your parents.

That would be awful.

It's like, ugh,

go down on your mom or dad like that.

I just couldn't live with myself.

I'm sorry for that imagery.

But, like,

now that it's out there, like, if you had to go down

on one of them, like, who would it be?

Like, if you had, like-- just--just--

and I'm not saying that to be outrageous.

I promise you.

I'm not saying that just so you're like,

"She's shocking and gross."

I'm only saying that because I thought it once

and I don't want to be alone with that, okay?

So that's--

you have to have it, too, now.

Okay, I'm gonna save you time.

Like, don't even think about it.

Like, stop.

I know it's gonna haunt you for, you know, a while,

but it shouldn't.

I figured it out. Gotta go with your mom.

Go with your mom. It's an easy one.

First of all,

your mom has had her pussy eaten way less

than your dad has had his dick sucked in his life.

That's just stats.

It's--

Give her one more for the road.

You know what I'm saying? 'Cause you will--

she will kill herself after you go down on her.

You will take your own life, too, so just--

you can't keep living after you go down on your mom.

So, yeah, give her one more.

And also-- now, this is just solid logic--

you gotta go down on your mom, because...

if you were a vaginal birth,

you already touched it with your mouth.

Like, you already--

you've been down there technically.

You've-- - Whoo!

- Your mouth has hit it.

It's just unavoidable. It's just true.

I'm sorry.

Dare I say, it was the first thing you ever did,

um, on this planet.

And it'll be the last.

It's so gross.

I, like--I don't like that joke either.

It's awful.

I just have to do that joke sometimes because

I just feel like it perfectly encapsulates,

like, what comedians are supposed to do,

which is present information that's true

that you haven't thought of before.

And that joke-- the Venn diagram,

I mean, for "it's true"

and "you've never thought of it before,"

that joke is a fucking-- that really hits

the baby's mouth on the mom's clit,

or wh--the nail on the head.

Whatever--however you say it, but that's--

it just is the most true thing.

A guy asked me to call him Daddy in bed recently.

And it was Father's Day, so I was like,

"Okay, I'll give it to you," but...

I didn't get him a gift last year.

No, it's--

I'm--I was weirded out by it.

And it grossed me out

and... [sighs]

Only because I kissed my dad on the lips

till I was, like, 24.

And it was just a thing we did in my family,

you know, like deny alcoholism.

Like, we just, like, act like everything's fine.

And, um, I remember the day I put an end to it.

I had just been, like, smooching all day long

with my boyfriend-- not to brag or whatever,

but I was just, like, really going hard with the guy.

And, um, I went to go meet my parents for dinner.

And I greeted my dad, and just, like, we went in

and I kissed him on the lips, and it ju--

the wires just got crossed.

Like, they just--

I lingered a second too long.

And it was just, blegh! And I stopped immediately.

Like, I let go of his lip. I was biting it.

But I was like, "Dad, I can't kiss you anymore."

He was so sad too. My sweet dad.

He was just like, "Don't be weird about this.

"We kiss on the lips in this family.

That's what we do."

And I'm like, "Then why don't you and Mom ever do it?

Why do Lauren and I have to suffer?"

My sister.

But I--you know, I--I do it.

I sometimes do it, 'cause sometimes

he's just like, "Nikki, come on, I incest."

And I was like, "Okay, that's a good--

Dad, I'll--aw."

Say it like that...

I don't know, I just--

I felt weird when the guy wanted me to call him Daddy.

I didn't want to kink shame, though.

I didn't want to be like, "What the fuck?

Are you fucking w"--you know?

'Cause I--I just--

you know, I don't want to yuck someone's yum.

I found the best way to discourage

something in bed that you're not into

is to try to get them to not be into it

on their own, you know?

Try to ruin it for them.

So I gave in at first.

It was hard, but I was like,

"Oh, yeah. Does Daddy like that?

What about this? Does Daddy like this?"

And by the end of it, I was just like,

"Dada. Dadada.

Dada, Dadada."

[blows raspberry]

"Dada, Dadada. Dada.

Dada, Dadada."

He came right away.

And that's when I-- that's when I knew.

That's when I knew I had to keep

my niece and nephew away from him.

I never want to make anyone feel bad

about something I think they're doing that's gross.

It's just--'cause I know

that I bring so many things to the bedroom

that would gross a guy out, like, um,

lots of little pieces of toilet paper

in my vagina lips that get stuck

despite my best efforts.

I don't know-- I don't know why.

I do know. I use one ply.

I'm trying to save the goddamn planet.

I ju--it's-- oh, God, just these li--

you know what I'm talking about.

By your laughter, I know.

Thank God I'm not alone on this one.

These little hamster joints,

they're the tiniest little--

they're finely rolled in such a way that I'm like,

"The meticulousness of this roll--

"is my pussy in the Wu-Tang Clan?

Like, this is impressive."

So you know--you know what I'm talking about.

And I look for them.

I try to scour my vagina before I even--

if I think a guy's gonna go down there,

I definitely look for them. I try to get them all out.

'Cause it's happened to me so many times.

I'll go through it page by page.

I will leaf through.

Sometimes I don't finish it all before he picks me up,

and I put a bookmark in it, or I, you know,

dog-ear a lip, and I get back to it.

I always try to get them all.

I try. Despite my best efforts,

I will still have a guy go down there,

and I'm very confident, like, "Got 'em all,"

and I'll just hear him go... [spits lightly]

Just, like, a little... [spits lightly]

God damn it.

Like, I always used to think

these little pieces of toilet paper were

'cause I was like, "There's something wrong with me.

Why am I so gross?"

That's not why. I try to get them out.

And I know that I'm not alone.

I found out I'm not alone.

I remember I was in high school.

I just got glasses for the first time,

so I could, like, clearly see the ground

in front of me in a public restroom.

And all of a sudden, this world

of tiny little hamster doobies, like, lit up to me.

And they were everywhere.

There's, like, a cockroach smoking one of them

in the corner. I'm like, "Oh, my God."

This is a common problem. It's not just me.

I feel connected to other women when I see them.

[sighs] And I do believe it's probably

how we'll communicate with each other

when we lose all our rights inevitably, you know?

When we're handmaids, it's all we'll have.

We'll just be walking to market and just--

you'll just kind of release some,

just kick them out like Andy Dufresne

on the Shawshank prison yard.

Just leave a little pile.

And you'll come across your friend's pile and be like,

"Oh, Caleb's still alive.

"She's out there.

"She hasn't had the good fortune

of hurling herself off a cliff."

So we'll use them someday.

And by someday, I mean in, like, three years

when he comes back.

That joke will get me beheaded

in the town square.

[sighs] Oh, well.

I don't know, I just--

I've felt so much shame about my vagina over the years.

I've worked a lot of my shame out onstage.

It's helped me.

I will shave my vagina thoroughly.

And I will go to itch it later on in the day,

and there will be a patch of hair

that is so substantial,

it's almost, like, out of one of those children's books

where it's like, "Pet the bunny,"

and it's just, like, a little round circle.

And you're like, "You can feel it.

Go on, pet it."

I'm like, "I gotta show Poppy this."

That's my niece. But, um...

I don't know. I don't, like, love my vagina.

I mean, I'm getting there.

I feel like acceptance is the key.

I don't need to love it.

I don't need to do what these magazines tell me.

And, like, body positivity posts are like,

"Love your vagina.

"Like, just look at it.

Stand over a mirror and gaze at it."

I've never wanted to do that. I've never done it.

I don't want to be, like, you know,

Pocahontas over a creek, like,

speaking to my grandmother's reflection.

"What should I do?"

She's like, "Follow your dreams."

I'm like, "I will."

It's just, like--it's fine.

It's just--I don't want to look at it that often.

I'm not ashamed of it. I'm fine with it.

I accept it.

And it's like, I think the shame about our vaginas

is probably why men don't go down on us

as much as they should, you know?

Pussy eating and dick sucking is not, uh--is not equal.

And I think some of it is because when men go,

"I'm not into it," we go, "Yeah, you're right.

"I wouldn't either. It's fine.

"You're probably right. And it's--don't worry about it.

"It's not my birthday.

"And--I mean, it is, but I'll have another one

"in four years. It's February 29th

"and it's every leap year, but it's fine.

You don't have to do it."

It's just true.

They don't go down on us as much.

And, you know, there are certain guys

that are really, like, outspoken about it.

And we just let them be.

DJ Khaled came out and was like,

"I don't eat pussy. I don't eat my wife's pussy."

And I'm just like,

I didn't know you could get any more worthless.

Like, what do you do if you don't eat pussy?

Truly.

[cheers and applause]

[chuckles]

He just shouts his name

over his wife coming in the room by herself

and claims it as his own.

Is that what he does?

I don't mean--

I already didn't care for him that much.

And when I heard that, I was like, "Fuck you."

But then--then I looked into it and I go,

"Hold on, let me empathize with this guy.

Maybe there's another story here."

And there was.

DJ Khaled, at the time he said that,

he was a spokesman for WeightWatchers,

and pussy's, like, eight points.

So maybe he was just really trying

to stick to his plan.

That's a--that cuts into your day, you know?

He had a goal.

I can't understand when guys are just like,

"I'm just, like, not into it."

Like, I get not being into it.

But do you think we suck dick

just for the taste of it, Diet Coke?

Like, we don't.

It's--I don't care if you don't like it.

It's not like I don't like sucking dick.

I do like it because, you know, it's something I've done.

It gives pleasure to someone I care about.

I'm getting kind of good at it.

I can leave in my Invisalign

because it, like, rounds out my teeth and I don't worry

about biting too hard or scraping a dick.

I can straighten as I blow.

But I don't, like, inherently like it.

I don't care if you don't like it.

Like I--I really don't need you to love it.

I--that's not part of it for me.

For every faction of guys that's like,

"I don't eat pussy," there's always another one

that's like, "I'll do it.

"I'll eat it all day. I love pussy.

"Wait, I'll do it. I love pussy.

I'll--I'll eat your pussy."

And it's just like, "Not you.

"Like, you're not-- your--your mouth is wet.

"It looks like you already were, and I just--

"can I just have my pizza and you go, okay?

I don't know why you told me that."

Should've done DiGiorno.

It's always just like--

just like, "Ah, I love eating pussy."

They're just like...[groans]

And they think we're gonna be like,

"You do? Will you marry me?"

Like, we don't want you--

I don't want someone to want pussy in general,

just like, "Any--I just love pussy.

I love eating pussy."

I'm like, "I think you have

"a vitamin deficiency of some sort,

because it shouldn't be something you crave."

Take a fish oil supplement.

Anything. I don't know.

Get some blood work done.

"I love it. I'll eat your pussy.

"I could spend hours down there.

I love it. I'll go down on you for hour"--

I'm like, "That's too long. You're doing it wrong."

If you're down there that long--

I don't need you down there. You're gonna eat it all.

Like, leave some for the rest of us.

That's too long.

You're--by the time you come up,

you're gonna look like my fingertips after a bath.

I don't want to Benjamin Button you

down there.

I get not wanting to eat pussy.

Can I say that? Like, I actually empathize

with men who are like, "Mm, it's not for me."

I, like--I get it.

Because, like, there are times

where I think I could date women,

and the one thing that holds me back is, like,

I just don't want to, like, eat pussy.

Like, I just-- that's the one thing.

Sometimes that's the only thing.

I remember telling my friend Sabrina Jalees--

she's a lesbian.

She's a hilarious comic.

But I was telling her that, and she goes,

"So you think the only reason you can't be a lesbian

is because you don't want to eat pussy?"

And she goes, "And you haven't eaten pussy?"

I'm like, "No, but, like, I just feel like

"I would, like, crave it

"if I was, like, a true lesbian.

"Like, it's, like, the base of the lesbian food pyramid.

"Like, it's a staple of their diet.

"Like, if I-- if I'm like this about it,

I'm probably not a lesbian."

And she goes, "Okay, well, um, did you crave

"sucking dick before you did it?

"Were you just like, 'I can't wait'?"

And that blew my mind.

'Cause I was like, "Oh, fuck."

"I'm--I'm gay. Like, that's--I'm a--

I am fucking gay."

Of course I didn't crave sucking dick.

You don't crave it until you do it.

There's so many things in life like eating pussy

that you don't get into until you do it a lot

and you learn a reason to love it.

On paper, you're just like, "Nah, no."

Like coffee. Think about coffee.

Remember the first time you tried coffee?

You were a child and you were just like,

"Why do adults like it so much? It's so gross."

But you tried it once because you thought it was,

like, a warm soda or something that your parent left behind

and you, like, snuck it.

But it's coffee and whiskey

but also mostly coffee,

and you're like, "What the fuck?"

And you think, "I can't be--

I will never drink this stuff."

And then cut to today, you're an adult,

and you're addicted.

Like, you can't live without it, you know?

And it's the first thing I think about in the morning.

So I don't know.

I just hope someday, like, years from now,

you run into me,

and you just see me, and I'm wearing, like,

a funky sweatshirt that says, like,

"Don't talk to me till I've had my pussy.

And I'm like, "Hey." You're like, "You did it."

I'm like, "I did. I did."

"And you know what? I bring my own creamer."

[chuckles]

You're like, "Okay, didn't need that one.

"Let's go, kids.

"She used to be a famous comedian."

But if I live long enough, I'm gonna eat pussy.

It's, like, on my bucket list of sexual acts to do.

For sure. I want to do it.

I'm scared to do it, but, like, I want to do it.

I just hope I scratch it off my bucket list

before I'm, like, 90, in hospice care

and, like, my grandkids are like,

"Grandma, you know, it's getting towards the end.

Is there anything else that you want to do?"

I'm just like, "Did you see my list?"

And they're like, "Unfortunately, we did.

"Um, we were thinking maybe instead of that,

"we could, um--

"Taylor Swift is down to meet you.

Is that cool?"

I'm like,

"Can she squat over my bed? Can we make"--

Like, "Grandma, no!"

[chuckles]

Someday.

I don't know.

I've talked a lot about my vagina so far.

I hit the quota.

I talk about my vagina so fucking much.

I have a lot of, like, guilt about it.

I talk about it so much, that I don't call it

"my privates"; I call it "my public."

I gotta stop talking about my public so much.

I just--I read, like,

what these philosophers write about on Reddit

about how, like, female comics talk about their vaginas

and that's, like, all they do

and it's so easy for them.

Being dirty, it does feel bad sometimes.

I'm 37.

All I do is talk about my vagina onstage.

It's like, enough! I just--

I don't know, I'm just at this point in my career

where I'm ready to, like, close that chapter

and, like, pivot, like...to my asshole.

Like, you guys, I have not even begun.

It--talk about clean material.

My asshole's pretty clean, actually.

I'm prepared for later tonight.

So it's, uh, squeaky.

It's probably a better bet than my vagina right now,

to be honest with you.

'Cause I prepare, yeah.

I used to just wing it.

Don't do that. Don't--

don't just, like, feel your body and go,

"Mm, I got it." You don't.

You don't got it, and you'll pay the price, but--

and now I got a whole-- I got a whole system.

I'll tell you about it too.

'Cause I want you to have anal sex.

I want all of you to.

Let me--let me try to get you into it.

Let me just try to persuade you.

You don't have to.

But I just know a lot of women who are so adventurous in bed.

And when it comes to anal, they just go,

"No. Nope. Mm-mm, nope.

I've tried it, and no, mm-mm."

And I hear you. I'm sure you did try it.

But I'm just saying,

I do think that maybe you can't say you've tried it,

really say you've tried it,

until you can answer yes to the following questions,

okay?

Number one.

Did you use all the lube in the land?

Did you lube?

I'm talking about lubricant you buy.

Not a couple loogies from the dry, drunk mouth

of the guy who convinced you it'd be a good time to try it

when you're not actually ready.

That's not lube.

A lot of lube.

I mean, like, a half a bottle.

Enough that the TSA would be like,

"You can't go through with that.

Like, you gotta finish it."

A lot. I'm not joking.

Are you with someone that, if you had an accident,

you wouldn't have to kill yourself afterwards?

Like, they're not gonna tell their dodgeball league

and it's gonna follow you around town.

Are you doing it with someone that can keep a secret?

A little brown secret?

'Cause if not, you haven't tried it.

[sighs] Number two.

Are you relaxed?

This is something that a lot of people

have anxiety about. You gotta be relaxed.

Did you come once already? Vaginally, clitorally, fakely,

however you are used to it with your partner.

Number two.

Did you prepare?

Did you prepare? I used to not prepare

'cause I thought that, oh, if I prepare,

if I get, like, a kit,

that's gonna mean something about me.

Like, I'm-- like, that's all I do.

And it kind of is, but that's not...

You know what? It's not a lot.

I used to think it was gonna be a whole smorgasbord

of things I'd have to do.

All you have to do to prepare

is watch a YouTube video of a gay guy in his bathroom

being like, "Here's how you do it, bitch."

And then you follow the link

to buy the little fucking turkey baster

that you keep underneath your sink.

No one will know what it is.

It just seems like the thing you, like, suck

snot out of a baby's nose with.

Like, that's what it looks like.

You squirt water up your butt ten times

till the water runs clean.

Till it runs clean.

Not like Flint, Michigan, clean

but, like, it's--

Might be more than ten times.

And even after it runs clean,

just do it--like, kind of do this a little.

Like, just give it a couple, like, catch-up thumps,

like you're trying to knock out the--

Just gotta make sure, you know?

And, um, find your Heinz 57.

You know, the mark where you hit it

and it, like, dislodges it?

Mine's my solar plexus.

Might be a different spot for you.

Explore yourself.

Number two. Did you lay down a brown towel?

How now, brown towel?

Just in case, for peace of mind.

And finally, number two. Start small.

Don't start huge right away.

Don't go right to the big leagues.

Start with a finger. A tiny butt plug.

Maybe your boyfriend's tiny little penis.

Start with something that's not intimidating.

Start there.

And then work your way up.

And I know you're like,

"Well, my boyfriend doesn't have a tiny little penis.

"He has a very big penis. And that is crazy big.

And it's so big, it's gonna, like, hurt."

Just for a second, think about, for me,

the biggest shit you took, I don't know,

in the past week.

You know the one.

You know? The one that you're like,

"This could make it in

"'Guinness Book of World Records,'

like, if I did enter it."

You know the one.

The one that you're like,

"I could give birth out of my ass.

Like, that just confirmed it." Like...

You know what I'm talking about.

Maybe you don't, but I think you do.

You know, the shi--

Am I the only one?

The one that you want to take a picture of

to send to your friend Anya

but you're, like, too scared you're gonna get hacked

and that's what TMZ will run with?

And they'll just blow past the folder

you've clearly marked for them that says "Full-face nudes."

I mean, in conclusion, like,

girls, you're shitting massive dicks, like, weekly,

so just--you can do it.

Aren't you glad I'm not talking about my vagina anymore?

Isn't that such a--thank God.

This is who I am, I have to say.

This is genuinely the way I am offstage too.

And it is ironic, because I am kind of prudish,

and I started out that way. I know that seems crazy.

In a relationship, I'm a filthy slut.

But I am-- I'm kind of scared of guys.

I always have been.

I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17.

I didn't have sex until I was 21.

I didn't have consensual sex until I was, like, 25.

I didn't enjoy sex ever.

And--no, it's true, though.

It's 'cause I was scared of sex.

I was scared of what I didn't know,

because no one talked about it honestly, you know?

I feel like sometimes

female comics talking honestly about sex,

we have to do it because

sex education is garbage, you know?

You either learn by watching porn,

or you learn at school, where they either give you

too much science-y words

and then, like, horrifying STDs,

so it's just, like, "The vas deferens

is the janitor of the male reproductive system,"

and you're like, "I don't know what to do with that.

Is that sex?" And they're like,

"Well, if you have sex,

"your vagina might look like an exploded lasagna,

so watch"--it's just, like,

"Here's a picture."

And you're like, "Jesus Christ."

It's nothing real.

I just think it's important

to talk about this stuff openly.

And as much as I shouldn't be

a 37-year-old woman onstage

talking explicitly about her sex life,

I think there's something to be had from it.

I remember my housekeeper being like,

"My 11-year-old daughter googled you.

That was close." And I'm like,

"I hope she watches everything."

I hope she watches everything.

'Cause I think kids are smart enough to go, like,

"That's not for me yet.

"But when I get there, at least I'll know

"that a guy might come on my face,

and here's what I might be able to do with it."

Be funny with it is the answer there.

Be funny with come.

You will have to encounter it.

It's gross. You avoid it.

First time I gave a hand job,

I was so scared of come, I did it over the toilet

so that it would just be direct deposit.

'Cause I was like, "I'm gonna be bad

at handling come." I was nervous about that.

Insane. But I was.

I was like, "I'm gonna be bad at it."

Now I make all of my jokes during sex

about come because I've learned the hard way

that if you make jokes before they come,

guys don't have, like--

all of their thought blood is in their dick,

so they can't understand sarcasm or irony.

So they're just, like, "What'd you say?"

And so focus all of your sex-based humor

around come, 'cause after they come,

they're just like, "What? Okay."

Like, they're back to normal and you, like--

you're like, "Oh, you're back. I missed you."

That's when you can make them laugh.

I do it all the time.

Come-based humor is my favorite.

I don't know, come in your hand is hilarious.

You can act like you're Spider-Man

but your, like, valves are clogged.

You're like, "It doesn't work.

I told them. It's just"-- [whining]

Rub it together, be like, "Jacob's ladder."

And, like, "Do you see? Do you see it?"

Cat's cradle.

I--I could go on for another two hours

of come bits, I have so many.

My favorite is after they come

and they're just like... [groans]

And they're just kind of laying there like...

[snickers] And their little penis is,

like, slowly--

it's, like, shrinking up

and kind of sticking to their thigh.

And I'm just, like, walking around,

still, like, very, like, just, like, full of energy.

I'll be like, "Oh, my God, I forgot my lip gloss,"

and I'll just grab it and go, "Mm."

And then, "Bye." And then I'll leave forever.

No, I don't.

I always come back.

Girls go into sexual encounters knowing really nothing,

'cause no one's telling them what honestly happens.

And then you're scared of doing it wrong.

Then something happens and you go,

"I guess that's the way it is,"

but it's not.

I feel like it's most girls' fear.

Like, we just are so scared of doing things wrong.

That's why I never gave hand jobs.

I think I used to let guys fuck me

before I even wanted them to because I just--

it's easy to be good at sex.

You're just like, "I'm a hole," you know?

But, like, when you're giving a hand job,

it, like, takes rhythm and finesse.

And I was just so anxious about being bad at it.

Girls don't do so many things

because we think we'll be bad at it

and that you'll make fun of us or judge us for it

or we'll disappoint you.

And hand jobs, I avoided them.

I literally ate ass before I gave a hand job.

Like, I was just like,

at least that's something he can't do himself, you know?

Unless he's very flexible.

But... I was terrified of hand jobs.

And that should be the first thing you do.

I just feel like if-- if I ever have a daughter,

I'll drown her and wait for a son.

But if I'm ever forced to have a daughter...

'cause there's no water left to drown her in,

I will--I will tell my daughter, like,

"Hey, first of all, any worry you have

"about guys judging you or you being bad at it,

"if they have a boner, they're not really thinking.

"They're not judging you.

"They're not storing away information to use against you.

"They're really dumb when they're horny.

Like, very, very dumb."

Sometimes I hook up with guys

and they're so horny and, like, kind of, like...[grunts]

I'm like,

"Is this, like, a situation

"where he's, like, special needs

and I shouldn't do this?"

Like, am I gonna go to jail because I took advantage

of a mentally challenged man?

I swear to God he was talking about Bitcoin 20 minutes ago,

but now he can't form sentences,

and he's grunting and making weird noises.

It's just like, "What happened?"

I remember when I gave a hand job the first time,

which was my biggest fear

because they do it better themselves.

This is something I know I'm gonna be bad at,

no matter what.

They're better at it than me.

They've been doing it all along.

And it's true. You'll never be as good

at giving a hand job as a guy is to himself.

That is true.

They have clocked their 10,000 hours

by the time they're in seventh grade.

There's no chance you'll ever be as good at them.

You're never gonna clock as many hand jobs as them.

So the first hand job I ever gave,

I was so paranoid about doing it

worse than he does it that I was like,

"I'll do it from behind."

It was like an improv game.

Like, I was like, "I'm your arms."

You know? I was like--

it was like I was Wayne Brady on "Whose Line."

I was like, "This'll do it."

The worst part--

I was already feeling terrible,

and then the worst part was when I caught

my own reflection in the bathroom mirror.

And it was just such a sad sight.

It was during the day.

I'd just gotten done with work.

I was working at a Korean prep school,

so my lanyard was just, like, hanging between us.

And I was just, like, wearing this Target blazer.

And the lighting was terrible.

And the mirror--oh, my God.

So it was a mirror here and then a mirror on this side.

So it was infinity of me just, like, giving

this sad hand job, just, like--

It was the saddest Rockettes you've ever seen.

It was like Christmas Sploogetacular.

Like, I was just like, "Oh, God."

And that's when I started to shame spiral of, like,

"You're such a dumb slut.

"Like, you're just giving this guy pleasure.

"He doesn't like you.

"He's probably never gonna talk to you again.

You got nothing out of this."

And I just started going to this place.

And then I was like, "Wait, like,

"I'm not getting nothing out of this.

Like, this is kind of hilarious."

And maybe at the time, I wasn't thinking,

"I'm gonna tell thousands of people in Denver someday,"

but I thought I might tell my friends.

And that was enough for me, of just being like,

"This is funny."

Because sex is hilarious.

So if you ever find yourself in a situation

where you're like, "I'm being used,

"and this--I'm just, like--

I'm getting nothing out of this,"

just make it funny for yourself.

And, like, make it for you.

'Cause I swear to God, I remember

I just had that thought, and then I, like,

straightened up my posture

and kind of getting, like, a swagger with it,

and I looked back at my selves, and I winked.

I was like, "We got this, girls."

[cheers and applause]

Like, we were the Spice Girls

before a final reunion performance.

I just f--I felt charged up from it.

I was like, "This is wild.

"I've never done anything like this in my life.

"I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17.

"I was scared of men, and now I'm jerking

"this guy off over a toilet? Like, I'm cool."

I remember skipping out of his house.

I remember skipping to my fucking car

that had been towed while I was doing it.

So it was a low point in my life,

but it was a high point, 'cause I was like,

"I'm a weird, cool whore.

"And, like, I don't know, I just can't wait

to tell someone about it."

Some of the most empowering days of my life have been

from me doing just kind of slutty, degrading things

that on paper could be, you know,

"Oh, that's so sad."

But I'm like, "I never thought I could do this,

and I'm doing it."

Like, if you would have asked me four years ago,

"Nikki, will you ever eat ass?"

I would have been like,

"Yeah, I did two years ago."

But if you would have asked me six years ago,

will I ever eat ass?

I'd have been like, "This is a weird census.

Get off my porch," but I would've said,

"Is this really what they're asking now?

Okay, um"--

No, I would have said, "Hell no."

I would have gone-- I would have signed off

to go to my grave without eating ass.

Who needs to do that?

And ironically enough, since I've done it,

I actually--I call eating ass "going to the grave."

But, um, just based on the taste alone.

But...I have done it.

I don't know how I did it.

I only know that I got horny enough

that it seemed like a good idea.

I got as stupid as I've seen men get

when they get horny, and I got there.

I was able to do something I never would have thought--

if you had asked me ten seconds before I did it

if I would ever do it, I would have been like,

"Oh, no." Like, there were balls

in my mouth, but I was like, "I would never"--

Like, I would have said no.

'Cause I had no idea.

But I got horny enough

that it seemed like a good idea.

Guys, if you get us horny enough,

we will do crazy, crazy things that we swear we'd never do.

Keep that in mind. Seriously.

You just never get us horny enough.

And by the way, when I say "eating ass,"

I didn't, like--I wasn't like,

"Mmm, Yoplait, fruit on the bottom."

Like, it's not eating. I hate "eating"--

it sounds like I'm chewing it or something.

No, he didn't have a hemorrhoid.

I just, like... feel like it'd be chewy.

I don't know.

Just, like, admitting that I ate ass,

it's not--

I'm not trying to be gross. I'm really not.

I'm just--I swear to God, after I ate ass,

I was like, "I could do anything.

"Like, I've licked a man's asshole.

I could--I could be president."

Like, that's--you know?

And then I remembered I'm a woman.

And I was like, "Okay, scratch that.

"Like...

but maybe I could eat a president's ass."

A girl can dream.

I, uh--I lived with my parents during COVID

for about ten months.

So now I'm looking for a husband

because I don't want to do that again

when it comes back.

Yeah, I gotta get a husband. It's time.

And it's really more about,

like, just wanting to be with someone

when the inevitable apocalypse befalls us.

I just want one guy to fucking care about me.

I want to be number one on a guy's list.

For him to be like, "I gotta get to Nikki!"

You know? Like, I want that.

And sure, like, my dad cares about me.

And I'm still-- like, I'm on his list.

But I'm lower. There's nieces and nephews.

And I'm still above my mom 'cause I kissed him on the lips

till I was 26, but, um...

I earned that spot.

But, like, he's getting older.

And I just want someone to, like, care

when shit goes down.

And it got into my head

watching the movie "San Andreas."

Did you guys see that where, like,

there's this huge earthquake and the--

pretty much the only people that survive

on the whole West Coast are The Rock's family

that he's trying to get to the whole movie.

Whole movie is him just trying to get to them.

And anyway--and you don't stand a chance to survive

unless you have The Rock looking for you.

And I'm like, "I gotta find my Rock."

And the truth of the matter is,

in a natural disaster,

it's kind of everyone for themselves, you know?

Like, I feel like even The Rock would just, like, sprint

out of his mansion and leave his wife and kids behind.

They're like, "Where are you going?"

And he just, like, has his protein powders

and his MTV popcorn awards and Kevin Hart in this arm.

And he's just like, "I'm just--

I gotta get to Elon's."

Just everything that'll keep him relevant

into the future.

I gotta find a guy to care.

And by the way, I just want him to scream my fucking name.

That's all I want.

I just want the energy out in the world of, like,

"Nikki!" - Nikki!

- No, you're gonna--

you're gonna try to find your mom.

I--just don't even pretend like you won't.

Every man is gonna look for his mom,

even if she's already dead.

[sighs]

That moment when we get the alert on our phone,

that's when I want him to go into action.

You know the alert that's gonna happen

that's gonna be like, "It's ending, guys.

Uh, sorry. Five minutes to say goodbye."

It's gonna sound like an Amber Alert at first.

You're gonna go, "Should we even get it?

"It just sounds like--

it's probably an Amber Alert."

But someone's gonna go, "It sounds diff--

like, it's, like, piercing. It's more urgent."

It's like, "Maybe, like, a white child's missing?

"Like, we should just check.

"Like it could be a--

"a delicate...baby white girl.

I just want to check."

And then I want my husband to look

and it's, like, you know, a tsunami's coming.

And I just want him to be like,

"Nikki!"

And then he doesn't get to me.

He just gets, like, hit by a filing cabinet in a wave.

But still, like,

just the energy's in the world.

That is true, though.

It's like, you don't drown in a tsunami.

You just die from the garbage in it, so--

That's-- I just want you guys to

rest assured, don't worry. You're not gonna drown.

You're just gonna get impaled by a stop sign.

Or, like, a fucking Peloton bike

is gonna slice off your head.

But that's--just-- you won't drown.

[chuckles]

I've started reading books, though,

about how to trick a man into loving you,

'cause I was just like,

"This being yourself shit

"ain't working for old Glasedog.

Uh, I'm gonna pick up one of these books."

These books that are like, "Do anything but be yourself.

"Please, God, change your ways. Here are the tricks."

The one I tell every girl to read

because I've seen my friends use it and it works

is called "Getting to 'I Do.'"

It lays out a plan for how to get a guy

and trick him into committing to you,

'cause you will have to deceive him.

And, um,

it's just the way it works.

And let me just say, though,

that the book "Getting to 'I Do'"--

if the guy you're trying to seduce

into a relationship sees the cover of the book,

you lost, okay?

Don't let him see the cover.

"Getting to 'I Do'"? It's terrible.

Cover it up with another book cover.

Fucking "Mein Kampf" is better than

"Getting to 'I Do.'" Anything.

But it will get you there. I'm serious.

Okay, so rule number one--

and by the way, this is all based upon the fact

that we are still animals.

You know, our brains have not adapted

to modern culture.

We're still operating

based on instincts that are gonna help

our--our species survive and make more babies.

So that's all we do.

That's why we're attracted to anything

is because somewhere back here,

our mammal brain is like, "This will help you survive,

or this will make more of you."

So starting from that perspective--

'cause we all used to live in tribes, by the way.

There was no, like, marriage or, like, monogamy.

We just all fucked each other.

And we all needed to make as many babies as possible

because the harsh winter was coming,

and babies don't survive.

So it wasn't like it is now,

but we're still operating on those instincts.

Our brain has been hitting "Remind me tomorrow"

on the system update for thousands of years.

Like, it's not gonna get to it.

And so you have to honor that even though it sucks,

'cause the first rule:

look fuckable.

Just look fuckable.

Appeal to men wanting

to put their penises in you and make more of them.

And be fuckable. Get his attention.

Make his monkey brain be like, "I can get that pregnant.

"She looks like she's ovulating.

She's a good host for my sperm."

That's--every makeup trend is taking advantage

of that biological wiring of, like, "She's ovulating."

That's why, you know, we all want, like,

big, shiny, like, glossy lips.

Like, that's the look, 'cause it looks like a vagina,

which you probably know, right?

Like, literally the best-looking lips right now

are just the same ones you see

on the baboon at the zoo exhibit

that you have to, like, keep the kids away from it

'cause she's just, like, wiping her wet vulva

on, like, a branch, and you're like,

"Let's maybe go to see the dolphins."

That's what our lips look like.

So that men go, "Pussy."

Like, they subconsciously think about our vaginas.

It's wild.

We don't even know we're doing it.

I just--I don't know. I love makeup.

I have a love-hate relationship with it.

It does help you look more fuckable.

It's, like--it just does.

It tricks guys.

Sometimes I put on, like, this dewy finishing spray

or, like, a highlighter, you know?

But you spray this, like, glycerin spray

at the end of your makeup.

And people honestly go, like,

"Nikki, what's going on in your life?

You're, like, glowing. What's happened?"

And I'm like, "This isn't some inner radiance.

"I've sprayed something on my face

"that's usually used to seal decks for the winter.

"So I'm actively absorbing cancer right now.

Will you marry me?" Um...

I don't like it, and it sucks,

'cause you're like, "I want to wear pants.

They're comfortable." And it's like,

"Okay, well, do you want a husband,

or do you want to pass legislation?"

Like...[chuckles]

It's unfortunate. It sucks.

Being fuckable is hard. It's uncomfortable.

I wear heels that make my legs look great.

But my feet look like they've been

through the Ming dynasty.

They're crumpled and bunioned.

Just look fuckable, girls. It sucks.

I know it sucks.

You going skiing? Bring a sundress.

Like, show some skin.

Lot of single men on that mountain.

I was worried recently, 'cause I did an interview,

and the headline of the article came out and it said,

"Nikki Glaser Values Being Fuckable

More Than Being Funny."

And I thought, "Oh, my God,

"people are gonna come after me for this.

I'm--I'm a bad feminist.

Luckily no one saw it

because, like, a celebrity died that day.

So it was like, "Yes!

Thank God for the opioid crisis."

Like, really came in clutch for me that day.

But, um...

it isn't even what I said.

Honestly, I was misquoted.

I remember talking to the journalist,

and what I did say was, "I value being fuckable

"more than being funny,

"but, like, please don't print that.

"Like, I'm serious.

"Like, people are gonna be pissed,

but, like, between you and me, like, I do."

That's why I'm trying to stay young.

I'm aging, though.

I'm aging gracefully, but it's like--

whatever that means.

And I just want to let you girls in your 20s know

you're gonna age too.

And I know there's a secret part of you that's like,

"I don't want to. Like, "I just--I don't feel like it."

'Cause I used to be in my 20s and, like, look at women

with their skin slightly, like, succumbing to gravity.

Like, their eyelids turning into, like, vaginal lips.

Like, I used to see that.

I have it now when people put on my eye makeup.

When I do it, I have to lift my eyelid

like I'm looking for my clit and draw a line on.

I used to be able to just, boop.

It's happening.

It'll happen to you too.

And I know that you're like, "No, I'm gonna opt out."

But, like, "I'm just not gonna age.

I just, like, don't want to."

And honestly...[sighs]

I fucking hope you don't 'cause I want you to die young.

I am tired of you

dating men my age

who should be dating me,

but they date you instead.

It's okay.

I'm not mad at you about it.

I'm mad at those guys, and I'm not even mad.

I get it.

If I was an older guy that didn't want to settle down

and was, like, turned on by hot young girls,

I'd fucking date young girls too.

But I wouldn't lie about it and be like,

"No, I know she's young, Nikki, but, like,

"she's, like, really mature for her age.

"Like, she's--like, that's what I love about her most.

"She just so happens to be 22.

"But, like, she's got, like--

she's got, like, the oldest soul."

I don't know what's happening,

but there's, like, an epidemic of 20-somethings

with old souls happening right now

according to all my 40-year-old friends.

"She's just got the oldest soul."

Oh, really?

Of course you like the only thing old about a woman

that you can't see.

Oh, isn't that convenient?

You never hear a guy going, "She's 23.

"I know she's 23, Nikki, but seriously,

"she's got, like, the oldest pussy.

"And I just love it. It, like, looks like

"it's, like, been through some shit, you know?

That's what makes her so great."

It's like, shut up!

You like her 'cause she's hot and young!

Stop lying! It's okay.

You like her 'cause she's young.

She looks good.

She has a tight skin, tight puss.

She--you can lie to her and she doesn't, like--

she'll probably believe it more than an older woman would

because we've been lied to more and we know your wily ways.

She doesn't want to have kids yet,

so you can, like, take your time.

There's a million reasons to do it.

It's not--it's okay.

You don't have to lie and say they have old souls.

They don't have old souls!

A few of them do!

I know a couple that actually do have old souls

because something traumatic happened to them.

And they need to go heal from it.

They don't need to be humped by you and your old body.

They need to go talk to a woman in an office about

why they're attracted to men that look like their uncle.

That's what they need to do. Leave them alone.

[cheers and applause]

These 20-year-olds

should not have the despondent glare

of a Depression-era Dust Bowl widow

with seven mouths to feed.

Leave her alone.

Let her go heal. That's weird.

So rule number one.

Look fuckable.

Got that.

Rule number two. All right?

Now, this throws you for a curve.

Rule number one is look fuckable.

Rule number two. Don't fuck them.

If you want to get a guy, don't fuck them.

That's really hard to do. Don't let them in your vagina.

You can let them anywhere else--

well, the book actually says don't let them in your mouth,

your vagina, or your ass, but, like,

a girl's gotta eat, so, like,

I just say don't let them in your vagina.

That's my interpretation of the book.

'Cause it checks out. It really does.

It's--[sighs]

You've felt it before. It changes after sex.

Even if you've waited, like, three dates

to have sex with a guy 'cause you don't want to seem easy

or, like, however long it makes you feel like,

"I'm not a slut, and he'll respect me,"

whatever rule you have in your head--

and you actually feel like he likes you.

And let's just say he does like you.

Let's for instance say this is a guy

who actually likes you.

He's not lying. He's not an F boy.

He's not lying to get something--he truly--

he's like a Josh. He's not a Garrett.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying.

[laughs] He's--

he's actually invest-- he wants a girlfriend.

He hasn't settled these things yet

because that's too soon to talk about it.

But he's a nice guy.

And he showed such promise too.

And you want to sleep with him 'cause sex feels good

and you're ready to do that and you're like,

"This guy's my boyfriend.

"Let me just sleep with him, right?

"I'm tired of giving hand jobs.

"I don't have my Invisalign tonight.

Let's just do this."

And you go, "He's gonna be my boyfriend.

"I haven't seen a guy show this much promise in so long.

"You know, he knows my middle name.

"He--he listens to my dreams--

"not, like, my aspirations but, like, my dreams

"that, like, no one cares about,

"you know, where it's like, my hands were hooves

"and I was in my childhood home, but it was--like,

"he gives a shit about that.

"He's gonna come to my house next week and hang that mirror,

"that floor-length mirror I've just had

"tilted against the wall for four years,

"convincing myself that was the style,

"even though it was just 'cause I don't have a man in my life

"with a tool belt.

"I'm just like, 'Yeah, you just tilt it.'

"He's gonna hang that mirror.

"This guy's gonna be my boyfriend.

Let me sleep with him."

And then you do.

And you have sex, and it's great.

Whatever it is, it's good.

He comes, and then afterwards,

there's just this slight vibe that, like,

he, like, hates you.

Like, he wants nothing to do with you anymore.

You've felt it, right?

Every guy knows this feeling,

and I'm not even mad at you about it.

Every girl knows this feeling.

The humidity in the room changes.

He--something's different.

You go, "Did I stumble into some bad lighting?

"You know? Did we get lost in translation?

"Did I ask for too much?

"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece

till you tore it all up, damn it!"

No. You question yourself.

You go, "What did I do?"

You didn't do anything.

And, guys, you're probably wondering

the same thing of, like,

"Why do I not like her after this?

What happened?"

It must be scary for you. I actually empathize.

I used to get so mad at you and be like, "He changed."

Suddenly he's making up this whole thing

about he has to go to a meeting tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.

That whole thing of, like, they go to their phone, they go,

"Oh, fuck." [sighs]

And you go, "What?" And they're like,

"I just--I gotta go in the office tomorrow.

It fucking sucks," and you go,

"You didn't have a job 20 minutes ago.

"Like, before we had sex, you were unemployed.

Uber doesn't have an office, okay?"

And you go, "What did I do?"

And you didn't do anything.

It's back to the caveman brain thing.

We used to only have sex so we could procreate.

So when a guy comes after even being in your vagina,

even before and he pulls out,

but if he's been in your vagina,

his brain told him, "You got--

"you did everything you could to get this one pregnant.

"Do not waste another load here.

"You can't get it pregnant twice.

"Move on to the next tepee

"and fuck her sister or cousin or whoever.

"She's ovulating, too, 'cause

this whole tribe ovulates at the same time."

It's like a fucking Pilates class.

Like, it just--

they're synced up.

That's why you want to leave afterwards.

That's why.

And, girls, I felt mad about this 'cause I go,

"Well, I want our tribe to have more babies too.

"Why do I get, like, fucking clingy after a guy comes?

Why don't I want him to leave?"

And the thing is, women through evolution

developed cuddling after sex

as a way to get men to fucking leave,

because over time,

we realized that's the quickest way

for you to go fuck our cousin in the tepee next door.

So what you do is, you stop fucking them.

You have to stop letting them in your vagina.

And I know it sucks, but now you have anal to do.

That'll be fun.

Hand jobs--listen, you'll never be as good as they are,

but here's what you do.

Don't even try to be as good as them.

Just try to be different. Guys just like different.

Use lube.

Guys don't use lube when they jerk off generally.

They just grab, like, whatever lotion is nearby,

and it, like, stings their pee hole,

or they do it dry and it's just not that good.

So if you bring lube-- and I'm even--

on a first fucking date,

you know when you're sitting on the couch

watching whatever he put on that you're pretending to like

so you're a cool girl and you're like,

"I love this reality show about Formula 1 driver"--

whatever the fuck it is.

Like, you're just like, "I'm actually into it."

And then he pulls out his dick 'cause you start kissing

for, like, two seconds, and you're like,

"God, I don't want to blow him. It's too soon."

I don't--like, I don't want to have sex with him.

Just go, "I want to jerk you off,

but I want to go get my lube."

And I know that's like, "I'm gonna go get lube

that's in my purse on a first date?"

Yes.

"Well, he's gonna think that's so weird."

If he has a boner, he's not thinking.

He's not storing information about you or judging you.

He'll just be like, "Okay."

And you just go get your lube

and you put it in your hand,

and he'll just kinda be like, "What?"

And you don't even have to do a certain motion

to make him happy.

Just hold out your hand confidently and be like,

"Just fuck my hand."

You can giggle about it and be like,

"Some comedian told me to do this.

Just fuck my hand. Seriously."

And do it, like--

I like to do it-- like, I stand like Beyoncé

at the end of, like, a really high note.

[cheers and applause]

And I don't even do any motion.

I just keep it still and let them fuck it.

And you can--it's kinda fun

'cause you get to change the tightness of your hand vagina,

'cause down there, you are what you are,

but here you can make it like

18-year-old virgin or like Octomom.

Like, you can do, like-- you get a--

So...

don't have sex with them in your vagina.

And I know it's tough, but you can do it.

And finally...

so rule number one. Let's review.

Number one, look fuckable.

Number two, don't fuck him.

And number three--

and this is where I had to drop out of the book--

stop talking.

Just shut up.

When you want to say something, don't say it

and men will like you more.

And the thing is, "Oh, no, I don't want to stop talking.

"I don't want to be like a fucking handmaid.

"Like, there's something sad about that.

Like, I'm gonna just be quiet the rest of my life?"

No, no, no.

You can go back to your normal self.

You just have to wait until he dies

and then you can chat it up

while playing canasta with your gals.

No.

You just gotta, like, not talk as much,

and that one was a harsh reality to face.

But it checked out.

When I read that, I was like, "God, stop talking.

That makes so much sense."

I've always wondered why, as a female comic

who's got a little bit of notoriety,

why I don't have the same selection of suitors

that male comics seem to get.

You know, male comics are batting

so fucking far out of their league.

They do better than musicians, than actors.

And I mean, there's evidence of this.

I mean, look at Pete Davidson--

not closely, but, like, if you--

He's a-- he's a good-looking guy.

No doubt about it. Would I? Of course.

But is--is he Kate Beckinsale,

Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande,

Kaia Gerber hot?

He's EGOT'd for women.

No!

He shouldn't be fucking Kim Kardashian.

Like, with Pete Davidson's looks,

he should be fucking...me.

Like, I would be a good person.

But that would never happen,

because male comics can get so far out of their league.

It frustrates me.

Men already get out of their league

just by being whoever they are.

Every single straight couple you know,

the woman is definitely hotter than the man.

It's just the way it is.

Maybe you can think of one couple

or, like, a couple that you can think of,

celebrity couples where you go,

"He's actually far more handsome than she is."

What do you say? You go,

"He's really-- he's so good-looking.

"And she's pretty cool with the fact that he's gay.

"Like, I love that she just lets him fuck guys

and they pretend to be married."

They're like, "Oh, it's sort of like Timon and Pumbaa."

Like, they think your husband's gay

if you're less attractive.

But male comics, man, they fucking kill it.

And female comics just don't do as well.

And I've always been like, "Where's the disconnect there?"

And it makes sense.

It's 'cause men don't really--

they're not horny for women

who talk a lot and who are loud.

And it's based on the caveman thing again, I think,

because there's something about a guy onstage just, like,

commanding a crowd.

He has all your attention.

He's controlling people's emotions

by making them laugh.

And you're just like,

"That's the tribe leader, and I shall have him.

"He will help my survival.

"He has all the sickest furs in that tepee of his.

"I'll be protected during wartime and famine.

He will be mine."

It's, like, hot to you.

But it's not the same for female stand-ups.

Men aren't, like, horny for women onstage being like,

"My pussy itches,

so let me tell you about it, girls."

Like, they--

they're not like, "Yes!"

They're just like...[groans]

"It's fine that you're saying that.

"Just, like--can you just, like, quiet down a little bit?

"Your voice is really harsh, and it, like,

"slices through the night air in a different way than ours.

"And there's a neighboring tribe just over the ridge

"that is ready to attack, and they're gonna come

"murder us at dawn because you won't shut up

"about your pussy itching.

"So could you please keep it to hushed tones over the fire?

"Please? We're gonna die

'cause you have an opinion."

And it's just true.

And then there was a study that came out

that confirmed all of this.

There was a study that came out that my friend found.

It was--I think it was in "The Atlantic"...

Ocean. It was an "Us Weekly"

that she kinda pulled out of the surf,

but she--no, it was--

it was, like, in a rep-utable or repu-table--

I don't know which word 'cause I don't read those journals--

but, like, it was in one of the gooder journals,

and what the study said was,

"Why Men Don't Like Funny Women."

And what they found was

that men and women both say they look for the same thing

in the opposite sex.

First of all, looks, second, sense of humor,

which, that should be a good thing for female comics.

Number two, sense of humor?

But then they dug deeper, and what they found was that

women define sense of humor in a man

as a man who makes them laugh,

and men define sense of humor in a woman

as a woman who laughs at their jokes.

Yeah.

That's not a funny woman.

It's a smart woman.

That's why I'll be alone forever.

That's it, though.

Look fuckable. Don't fuck them.

Talk less.

So I just feel like in closing, like,

I just want to leave you with this. Um...

[chuckles]

- Whoo!

[cheers and applause]

- [giggling]

Wait. Do you hear that?

That's blood rushing to all of your dicks right now.

I can hear--I can hear it.

Thank you guys so much. I had so much fun.

You've been amazing.

I've been fuckable, hopefully.

Good night, you guys. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[Metric's "Gimme Sympathy"]

- ♪ Sign me up ♪

♪ Got no time to take a picture ♪

♪ I'll remember someday ♪

♪ All the chances we took ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We're so close ♪

♪ To something better left unknown ♪

♪ ♪

[bright tone]