All language subtitles for If_you_are_struggling_with_addiction_…(360p)

If you're struggling with addiction,
here's a couple things to keep in mind.

Remember that I owned and
operated treatment center.

So it's not just some knowledgeable
teacher just pointing back to awareness,

although that's a big part of it.

The awareness recognition helped
presence helps a lot with addiction,

but it's not for many people.

It's not enough.

Why is.

some people don't like when I say things
like this, because they want to believe

that it's enough, but this is, this
is my experience owning and operating

treatment centers based in awareness work
and working with people through years.

And I'm just trying to
be very Frank with you.

If I was trying to sell you something.

Uh, if I was just trying to sell
you something, I would lie to you.

I would say something else.

I would say, just come and
recognize awareness, and I'm

gonna point to it for you.

And that's all you need and all your
addictions are just gonna fall away.

But I'd rather just be honest with
you and share with you my actual

experience with people through the years.

Here's how I see you all this.

If you have an addiction that's hanging
on, chances are it's really the.

We know from trauma research
that the body keeps the score.

So the body's holding on to the trauma,
the shame, emotional repression,

holding emotion back, and self-limiting
beliefs feelings around that stored in

the body in certain areas of the body.

When you have craving that's, what's going
on, that energy is screaming for relief.

So if you're involved, method of
recovery that just tries to deal with

it in the mind, like changing your
belief system or looking at things

differently, different perspective.

That's not necessarily gonna get to
the deep unconscious programming.

That's screaming for relief.

That's more like a primal urge that feels
like can only be satisfied somatically

sometimes by using, so using the mind
to try to usurp that or go around.

It often ends up in not being successful.

Now people can put down an addiction for
a period of time, like put drinking down.

But if the energy in the body that was
driving that addiction isn't dealt with,

brought into awareness, met faced, then
chances are you're gonna come back to.

That substance or some other substance
until that's resolved in your body.

So people are trying to put
substances down or addiction down

before their body aligns with that.

Their body still has that pain
from the past unconsciously held.

So it still wants that, or it
wants something, but the mind

comes in and says no before.

Sometimes the body is in alignment.

this, this to me explains why
there's such chronic relapsing,

where people are trying to quit,
but their body won't let them yet.

So their body forces them, their nervous
system forces them into using again.

If you could understand this
piece of it, it would make sense.

First of all, as to why chronic
relapsing is happening, cuz the body

keeps the score and you're probably
trying to recover at least in.

Through your mind.

In other words, you're trying to quit.

You have that story that you need to quit.

That story that you need to quit.

If you follow that before your
body, actually, before there's

resolution of those issues,
it's gonna be difficult to quit.

See, it's just that simple.

Um, but you may be able to, but
then watch if you're able to quit.

One thing, watch how another
thing comes in to sub.

because the thing in the
body hasn't been resolved.

So if you're doing recovery up
here thinking I have difficulty

understanding how that's going
to get into the somatic issues.

Just thinking, even thinking rationally
about something can be helpful, but

does it get to the deep programming
that you're holding in your body?

That is really behind this need of
relapse of, of gotta have it, that thing.

Um, so that explains
the chronic relapsing.

It also explains, um, substitution.

So understanding the body explains
the chronic relapsing because if

the body isn't resolved on those
issues, the relapsing keeps happening.

It explains the substitution
because if the body issues

aren't resolved, you go from.

To food, alcohol, to porn.

So the issues really aren't
being resolved in that.

And chances are you're using your mind.

See, in large part, you're saying,
hang on, I have to quit drinking.

And so you quit drinking maybe,
but the body keeps the score.

It's gonna go right to the
sugar, for example, cuz you

can't get there through the mine.

Totally.

So that explains the substitution.

I think it explains the chronic relapsing.

It also explains that when people get
a period of sobriety on something, like

if you are able to get 30 days of not
drinking, it explains that when you

pick, if you pick the drinking back
up, you know, that experience where

you go straight into like full on use.

Pretty quickly sometimes like even
maybe spiraling downward quickly.

That's because you were, you quit
the alcohol using your mind and the

body, which keeps the score still has
this massive compulsion towards this.

So in denying that to yourself, the body
just is soon as it gets that substance or

the unconscious material that's driving
you towards that substance, that the game

is on because this stuff isn't resolve.

Okay.

So you can expect in many cases
that the using would be going right

back to where you were before you
stopped using or even more excessive.

Cuz again, didn't get to the
issues you got sobriety, but

you didn't get to the issues.

I'll just say a few more things
just to sort of maybe help you

wake up around a few things.

Did you know that the aversion to your
alcohol or your drug or your thing, the

part of your mind that is against it, that
where you really believe I have to quit?

I have to stop I'm bad for doing it.

I'm ashamed.

That's part of the programming of the.

so those stories of deficiency and shame
and self judgment that come up when

you think about trying to quit is the
same energy that's driving the craving.

So when you believe those things like I
have to quit because I'm a bad person.

Um, I'm gonna be outta control.

I can't quit.

I'm a failure.

I'm not good enough.

I can't do this, that stuff.

Coming from the same pain, driving
the component, the more you believe

that the more it feels like you need
something to medicate it all unconscious.

So that might be something that
you're hearing on the path.

Have you followed that aversion line
during your whole recovery process?

Have you just been listening to the
voice that says you have to quit?

You have to quit.

And did you know that that voice
is strengthening the compuls?

In the moment of believing those
things, you're actually strengthening

the energy of it because that aversion
line comes in part from identity.

I am bad.

I am wrong.

I am ashamed of what I'm doing.

So the identity attaches to
the using these stories are

solidified and then there's pain.

That's involving the pain in the body.

And then what do we use with pain?

We go back to the addiction.

So strangely your strong desire to
quit, maybe making it difficult,

if not impossible to quit.

And this is almost never talked
about in any recovery path.

That is an awareness based.

If it's a cognitive path, chances are that
path still thinks that the it's a good

idea to be really fixated on quitting.

So are you fixated on quitting?

Is that part of the.

So then the question comes up
then if I can't, if my fixating

on quitting is strengthening the
identity around it and the compulsion,

then what the hell do I do?

And that's where awareness
comes in from awareness.

You can observe the mechanics
of the mind and body.

You can see, bring into
awareness, the aversion, the.

The deficiency story, transmuting that
energy, those programs to presence

as they're brought into awareness.

But the, the work you have ahead of you is
the addiction is a really unconscious act.

So as I've said before, when you want
to eat that cake, you're not really

seeing all the programming behind it.

In that moment, our consciousness
just shows us a little bit of it.

It shows us the craving for the.

it doesn't show us.

For example, in that moment, it
may give us glimpses, but for

the most part, it doesn't show us
that when I eat cake, I feel love

because that's what I got it from.

Mom and dad, when I got cake, I felt
like, for example, that if it came up

or yeah, I smoked cigarettes because
I feel disconnected from people.

And that comes from being
bullied when I was a kid and

feeling disconnected like that.

Generally doesn't come up until you're
more skillful and there's awareness there.

So before that, it would be more
like, I don't see any of that.

I just want cake really unconscious.

So there's all sorts of like programming
going on right there around the craving

and the aversion and the identity of who
you are, because you want this thing, all

of that is operating and that craving.

But 95% of it or more is
completely unconscious.

Cuz that's how it works.

Like there's no way that we could remain
compulsive about something if it was fully

conscious because all those programmings,
which just come into awareness with

the craving and then in awareness, we
could just see it and it would just

move through us because we're seeing it.

But when you're craving you don't see it.

you're lucky if you're able to witness
the craving itself, if you have enough

skill or awareness, just to see the
thoughts that are telling you and

feel the energy is telling you to use.

You're lucky if you see that let alone
the programming that's driving it.

So think about that for a second.

Look at what you might be trying
to do is trying to stop an a.

While there's tons of programming,
making it compulsive at the

same time, but unconsciously.

So you have the desire for cake, which
is driven by this trauma, the stuff that

happened, but you can't see any of that.

Um, so when you go and get the
cake being blind to all of that,

that programming gets reinforc.

because you eat the cake again
and your system learns like, oh

yeah, that gives me what I need.

That satisfies the, not only the physical
craving, but the emotional issue.

So it's like, you're teaching
your system to use again by

being unconscious during that.

So when we keep doing that, our systems
are learning that our identity is

wrapped up into this, that it works,
that when I use this, I feel better.

So we're learning to be addict.

once we've learned, like it's a well
oiled machine and that's just operating

like this really unconsciously.

So we have to bring awareness to it.

Otherwise we stay in it and that's
why addiction is so difficult.

I think, to treat because it's
so unconscious and also there's

a reward in our unconsciousness.

So we're actually being rewarded by
being unconscious because as we stay UNC.

We don't see the programming.

We don't feel that stuff
that's really driving it.

Um, so by being unconscious,
the compulsion remains strong.

Again.

If we could see it, all the compulsion
energy would come down, but by not seeing

it, the compulsion energy stays up.

And that actually keeps the addiction
alive just by not being able to see it.

So what I've been saying to people,
if you're in older models of recovery,

this, we call this a new model
where we're open to being awake to

the mechanism and older versions.

You might hear, you may start to discern a
little bit because if they're telling you,

for example, just to change your belief
system, think differently about this.

There's no awareness in that.

There's still no awareness
of the mechanism.

so, although you can kind of change your
belief system, your body is keeping the

score on pain and safety from childhood.

It it's gonna operate from that.

And your belief system is likely
not to be able to overcome all that.

It's very powerful mechanism of
survival happening with addiction.

So by just changing your belief system,
it doesn't necessarily come into the body.

It's just something
that you're you change.

It's like rearranging the furniture up.

but you still deeply feel unlovable
underneath it all or you're,

there's a deep sense of shame.

That's untouched by that change
of the belief system or your

repressing anger for decades.

And so changing your belief
system, doesn't get to a

repression cuz that's trauma.

You can't just change
your thoughts and era.

Trauma cuz it's body.

So you may be in those, those
programs, which you're just

changing the way you think

that's not gonna get to the body.

You may be in programs which
are conditioning you to think

a certain way and not helping
you cultivate the awareness.

So anything that's doing that can
leave you in the unconsciousness.

Believe you unconscious around it.

They might even give you beliefs to add
onto it that add more conditioning to it.

So in addition to all the conditioning,
driving the cravings, now there's

a belief that I'm an addict.

And by believing that now that
reinforces the deficiency story on some

level, there's something wrong with.

And that can tie right into the compulsive
nature of it, or believe it or not

counting clean time, sober time in and of
itself, doesn't look like an issue until

you hang your identity on it completely.

And now, like I that's who I am.

I am three years sober.

That's who I am.

And so that conditioning is added on to
this so that if you, for example, use.

God forbid, if that happens now, your
identity crashes, like everything

that you thought you were crashes in
that moment of drinking a beer, could

you hung your hat completely on that?

Thinking that that's that's the way it
might have seemed like the way until now

you, for some reason, picked up a beer
and all of that is threatened and that

could be deeply traumatizing and sham.

to be telling everyone and putting out the
image of yourself as someone who's sober,

and then suddenly now you drink, not only
would, you might not want to tell anybody

about that, which could feed the addiction
because it destroys your identity, but

also you just a lot of pain over it.

Even if you don't tell anyone else a lot
of pain, when you really think of yourself

a certain way, and one drink can destroy.

So, yeah.

Is there another way there certainly is.

There's another way.

And it has to do with being awake to
the mechanics of this inquiry on the

deeper issues that are driving it.

And I, I think a mature view of addiction
itself, like, so that we're not looking

for, I'll say this, anything that promise.

A magic pill, like come here and
immediately you're gonna drop

all addictions or this addiction.

I would look at that with suspicion
because addiction's a very

unconscious act, very unconscious act.

So when someone is saying, I have
a way of just relieving all of that

without making you conscious of it,
that would seem suspect wouldn't it.

If the unconsciousness is driving
the addiction, how can someone

promise freedom from addiction?

Dealing with any of that unconsciousness,
but yet we're drawn to that.

Aren't we aren't, we drawn
to the promises of that.

I think that's another thing that screws
us on the recovery path is we're maybe

looking, we're not maybe necessarily
open to doing the work on that.

And we're looking for.

Not everybody's like that.

There are people in 12 step who do a
lot of work on themselves, but still

the path that I'm talking about here is

really devoting yourself for a while,
to the practice of being aware in the

midst of this and inquiring into it.

So it's like getting your foot in the.

With the unconscious, if you don't pick
up a practice, you really don't see it.

But once you just pick up a
practice and get your foot in the

door, then you start seeing it.

And once you get your foot in the door
and once you start seeing everything

that's been, that is driving the
addiction, it's hard then to turn

away from that, it's hard then to
go back to some other way that says,

ignore all of that and think differe.

Or ignore all of that and
just call yourself an addict.

It's hard to ignore something once
you've seen, it's hard to unsee it.

Cuz each time you go and use again,
even if you're not looking at it, you

know that what's driving it is that
you don't want to feel this or that.

You know, that's what what's driving.

It is shame, deficiencies story.

You can't unsee.

so it changes you in a sense,
once you dip your foot into like

inquiry based recovery, it does
change your whole outlook on things.

Once you start to see it, trust me.

So what we're doing is various
forms of inquiry that bring that

unconscious material into awareness.

Um, the shame that's driving
it, the deficiency stories.

And as we bring that unconscious
programming into awareness, the.

The emotion, the repressed emotion,
that's way down there driving that also

comes to the surface, but it's a process.

And then over time, as that comes
into awareness, the pain in the

body, that's driving it, the energy
dissolves and diminishes because as

you bring the programs into awareness,
they are all connected to that.

so bringing those into awareness,
that energy diminishes over time.

That's the real recovery is when the body
starts to feel more translucent because

the contractions, which you're holding
all that repressed emotion and trauma and

shame, the programming of that gets seen
so that it can diminish and dissolve.

And once that happens, your body just
isn't screaming for relief in the same.

so what you might notice then
is yeah, I could eat cake.

That would taste good, maybe,
but I can also say no to it.

And that's not a problem.

I don't have to override any
craving, any compulsion to say no,

because the compulsion itself isn't
gripping me in the same way because

the body issue has been resolved.

The engine that was driving
all that compulsion is not.

so, although there may be a memory
of how cake tastes good, the energy

or the conditioning that was using it
to cover up the emotions isn't there.

It's not being used in that way anymore.

So therefore the addictive, the
compulsive part of it isn't really there.

So you might eat cake or not.

The point is the compulsion isn't there.

So then what does sobriety, or what
does recovery look like in the new.

I said this the other
day in the members area.

When you start to inquire, you
notice that the craving line is

like an excessive perspective.

It's the craving line.

If you followed it unconsciously, it
says I have to use, I have to use, and I

have to keep using that's what gets seen
when you really bring it into awareness.

That's what it's.

I have to have the weed.

I have to have it.

I have to, I can't live without it.

If you weren't awake to that and
you follow that craving line really

unconsciously, you could get into what
I call excessive balls out using where

you're really in an unconscious state.

Like in my twenties, I was literally
unconscious and balls out excessive

using of painkillers and alcohol.

And anything else like handfuls of pills.

Swallowed every few hours
balls out unconscious using

essentially the craving line.

I was really unconscious to it and
it just drug me into those states.

And I stayed there.

That's really extreme when it comes
to recovery is obviously excessive

use is an extreme, um, coming from
pain, but then there's another

extreme, which is the aversion.

So in your consciousness, you have
the craving for the thing, which

if you followed it unconsciously,
you could go into that really

unconscious balls out using, excuse
my language or the aversion line.

When you eliminate that line
in a consciousness, it's saying

don't use that stop control
that you're bad for using that.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Now that line, if we were to follow
that unconscious, Could take us into

a really extreme form of sobriety or
some form of sobriety that's based

on conditioning story programming.

See, so what I've been saying to
people, the new model is first see

the two excessive viewpoints that your
consciousness is trying to take you down.

And it's doing at the same time.

It's saying I have to use, I have to use,
I have to use, and I shouldn't use, I

shouldn't use, I need to stop all that.

Is behind all of that.

And those are opposing viewpoints.

Um, but if you followed one of them,
you would go into an extreme view.

What happens when you start to
inquire and be awake to both of them.

So you can hear and see the thoughts
and the energy that say I have to

use, I have to use, but by seeing.

You're not gripped by it in the same
way the compulsion comes down and the

voice that says you can't, you can't,
you can't, you're not gripped by it.

You're not going down that
compulsion of not of being

addicted to not using something.

Now in that you might find a natural
sobriety, actually, as you start,

you don't go down these ways.

You don't go down the Condit.

Ways like con excessive use is
conditioning like programming

and excessive sobriety is also
programming because you have to

actually believe and be against all
of that and believe it, and keep that

belief alive to continue not using.

So what happens when you stop being
unconsciously drawn in by these things?

What that means is that the
compulsion generally is coming.

because you're not following these things.

So you don't compulsively have a
desire to use, or that compulsion is

coming down, but you also don't have
a compulsion to be completely against

pleasure or use that is not there.

So then it's about.

Living as awareness and being
open to look and not being

pulled down these extreme views.

And instead just inquiring into things
as they come up and live the experience

of recovery, where when you see the
compulsion coming up and you bring it

into awareness and it transmits the
energy of the compulsion comes down.

And when you see the voices that says
I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

And the energies behind
that, you let that be.

and then whether you use or not, you can't
know because you're living in the moment.

And if you use something that gives
you another opportunity to see the

stories that come up afterwards,
like, I shouldn't have, I'm a bad

person or the shame or whatever,
which will drive the next compulsion.

If you don't see it, it, that
kind of stuff drives compulsion.

do you see the difference
where I can't lay out the path?

This is why it's hard to talk about.

So I can't in other recovery paths,
they'll say just follow the voice

that says don't use, just listen
to that programming essentially.

And I'm saying no, that programming
comes from the same pain and is driving.

If you believe that program
it'll actually drive, it'll even

drive you into secrecy and shame.

If you can't quit, they see that.

So in the new model or the
awareness based recovery, you can't

possibly know where this is going,
cuz you're living as presence.

You can't know when you're addicted
and the ball's out excessive use,

you know where it's going, it's going
to the next high and the next high

and you follow future into that.

And with the pre-programmed
sobriety path, you know where it's.

It's going to the next day.

You're sober stays sober, stays sober.

This path of recovery is
not a conditioned path.

It is not just following
your conditioning.

It's looking at it being awake to it.

So something new can happen, but it
doesn't happen by you in this way.

You can't possibly know what tomorrow
will bring or an hour from now.

You can't buy insurance on this path.

make sure that you don't use it.

Doesn't work that way.

It's moment by moment.

Are you awake to what's there or not?

If you're not okay if you are
okay, but if you're awake to

it, you have a shot with it.

And when you're asleep to
it, you see what happens.

You see that being asleep to it.

The compulsion gets the best of you.

And we learn, we learn
by living as awareness.

We learn how to navigate.

And we learn what a different path
of recovery actually looks like.

That isn't conditioning.

We live as presence, not knowing
anything about the future, really.

And just being with what is skillfully.

That's what allows us to fall
into letting go of these things.

If falling into it, as
the energy gets seen.

there's a, so does that
mean then of course, natural

sobriety could come from that.

Like where, because you're seeing
all this, you, it feels like you

have a choice when it comes to the
beer and you may just choose not to

drink because you have that freedom.

And so a natural sobriety
could come about.

I spent many months.

A natural sobriety after my chronic pain,
after I put down many of the medications,

naturally a sobriety came for a while,
but it could also look different.

It could be that because you're out
actually dealing with the issues you end

up using something every now and then,
and from an old model perspective, it

looks like that's a problem because the
old models might tell you any use is.

And you've lost your clean time,
but here we would say maybe you've

used something and it, because
you're looking at everything it's

not really compulsive anymore.

Or if it is, you just
take the work right to it.

It's like it becomes another doorway
when you use everything is, but your path

might not be sobriety in other words.

And yet kind of have to
be careful with that.

Because the machinery within us
that tries to justify the craving

and the use can hear that and say,
oh, this is permission to use.

No, it's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is that
it just might happen.

Nobody can really give you permission.

What I'm saying is it might happen cuz
when you're living as presence, you

can't know what's going to happen next.

So what could happen in any
moment is some emotion comes over.

You a.

And you find yourself reaching for cake or
a beer after many months of not doing it.

And then that becomes an opportunity
though, because as you reach

for it, all those stories that
drive it are there for you.

If you'll turn inquiry
towards it, see that.

So even the using
becomes part of the path.

If it happens.

it takes a lot of earnestness and self
honesty to do this path because you could

easily come into this path and use the
tenets of what I'm saying to justify

staying unconscious in your addiction.

In other words, to say, Hey, I'm
just letting everything happen the

way it's going to happen, but you're
not actually looking from awareness.

You're not inquiring.

You're just telling yourself a.

Picking up the concepts of this and
telling yourself that this is your path.

That's just concepts.

This is a lived experience 100%.

So the only way you're actually living the
new model or doing it is if you're living

it, living from awareness, inquiring into
these things, then you're gonna start

to see the insights and realizations.

And it's all gonna feel true for.

, but if you're just picking it up, hearing
me and then, oh yeah, I'm gonna go drink.

Cuz Scott says that's part of the
path, but you're not awake in that.

You're not inquiring in that.

That's not what we're talking about.

Just to be really clear with you.

That's just using and that's fine,
but it isn't what we're doing here.

This is we're bringing awareness and
inquiry to the using and the compulsions.

That's the difference?

well, I didn't know.

I was gonna say that much, but for those
of you who have maybe been wondering about

new model or what we do with addiction,
that's it, uh, if you wanna do more of

that, we actually want to do the work,
come to us in the members area here.

I'm just talking about it, but
obviously there's, uh, some

good inquiry tools for this.

That's where the rubber meets the road.

Visit us.

Go to kilby.com, go to the top,
scroll down KBY members area.

When you get to the Kilby members
area, it's divided into two levels.

The first level is where
you learn the tools.

And the second level is
the new model of recovery.

Once you learn the tools, we're gonna
show you what we're doing with those,

uh, in the new model level two, take.