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1
00:00:03,739 --> 00:00:05,850
As a parent, you help
to pass on your best traits.
2
00:00:05,941 --> 00:00:07,351
I don't want to brag, but
3
00:00:07,409 --> 00:00:10,144
Lily's pretty, smart... Sorry, sorry...
4
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,579
Smart, pretty, creative, and kind.
5
00:00:12,614 --> 00:00:14,748
Hey ladies. Up for some tetherball?
6
00:00:14,783 --> 00:00:16,784
No, 'cause we're not in kindergarten.
7
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Okay, but if you change your mind,
8
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:19,753
the ball's not going anywhere.
9
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It's tied to a pole.
10
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"Wanna play tetherball?"
11
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What a weirdo.
12
00:00:24,793 --> 00:00:26,160
Hey, I heard that.
13
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,995
Oh crap, she got my mean side.
14
00:00:28,029 --> 00:00:30,764
All right, I gotta go key my stepmom's car.
15
00:00:30,799 --> 00:00:31,999
Deuces.
16
00:00:33,635 --> 00:00:37,504
Okay, Lily, it is not okay
to be mean to your brother like that.
17
00:00:37,539 --> 00:00:40,975
Mom, he was bothering us. He's so annoying.
18
00:00:41,009 --> 00:00:45,145
Well... Lily and her friend, Sophia,
were just really rude to Louie.
19
00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:47,614
Lily, I'm disappointed.
And, really, with Sophia?
20
00:00:47,649 --> 00:00:49,049
She seems like one of your nicer friends.
21
00:00:49,084 --> 00:00:50,985
She just complimented
my shirt on her way out.
22
00:00:51,019 --> 00:00:52,686
Yeah, did she say it like this:
23
00:00:52,721 --> 00:00:53,887
"Nice shirt."
24
00:00:53,922 --> 00:00:55,222
- Oh, I see it now.
- Yeah.
25
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,857
- I hate myself.
- Okay listen, Lil.
26
00:00:56,891 --> 00:01:00,027
I'm sorry but you don't get to be mean
just 'cause someone's annoying.
27
00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:01,962
No friends over for a week.
You're hanging with Louie.
28
00:01:01,997 --> 00:01:04,465
You have to be nice, especially to family.
29
00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:06,133
Fine. My life sucks!
30
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,702
Ah, it' so hard to be you.
31
00:01:08,737 --> 00:01:10,738
- Hey that was good co-parenting.
- That was good.
32
00:01:10,772 --> 00:01:13,741
Let's celebrate with these gigantic glasses
of wine I just poured us.
33
00:01:13,775 --> 00:01:15,509
Well then, let me put the baby down.
34
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:17,177
Yeah, put the baby down.
35
00:01:17,212 --> 00:01:18,479
Hey, Emet, your folks are here.
36
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- Kay.
- Emet.
37
00:01:19,881 --> 00:01:21,548
- What?
- Come here. Now-now-now-now,
38
00:01:21,583 --> 00:01:22,716
- now-now-now... come here.
- What-what-what-what?
39
00:01:22,751 --> 00:01:24,985
- Look, look, look.
- Oh, God no.
40
00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:27,087
Oh, it's my annoying cousin, Leena.
41
00:01:27,122 --> 00:01:28,889
Everything about her makes me crazy.
42
00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:30,591
Yes, I know.
You hid from her at our own wedding.
43
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:31,892
Okay, you know what to do. Hide.
44
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:32,993
- What?
- Hide now.
45
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,662
Hello?
46
00:01:35,697 --> 00:01:38,065
Emet, where are you?
47
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:40,901
Oh my God, are you making
naughty in the bedroom?
48
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:43,270
That would be so awkward
'cause your parents are here!
49
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:45,005
Okay, we're gonna come in.
50
00:01:45,907 --> 00:01:47,775
Hello!
51
00:01:47,809 --> 00:01:50,677
Yes, I'm hiding, and, yes,
I told Lily she doesn't
52
00:01:50,712 --> 00:01:52,713
get to be mean just because
someone is annoying.
53
00:01:52,747 --> 00:01:55,082
But my cousin is so annoying.
54
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:58,018
Emet? Don't be rude.
55
00:01:58,053 --> 00:01:59,686
Emet, we can see you.
56
00:01:59,721 --> 00:02:01,722
Hi. Oh, there's the baby.
57
00:02:01,756 --> 00:02:03,223
There he went. We couldn't find him.
58
00:02:03,258 --> 00:02:04,892
- Hi!
- Hey.
59
00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:06,593
- Hey, cuz.
- Hi.
60
00:02:06,628 --> 00:02:08,095
Get inside these.
61
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:11,865
Oh, I don't... okay. Let's do it that way.
62
00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:14,134
Aw man, my life sucks.
63
00:02:19,961 --> 00:02:22,699
_
64
00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:25,979
Leena's so irritating.
65
00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:27,247
Why did I have kids?
66
00:02:27,282 --> 00:02:29,583
Now I have to be a good example.
67
00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:32,319
Anyway, so this little guy
is my latest rescue.
68
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:35,889
I call him Goldblum because he's ugly
but women love him for some reason.
69
00:02:35,924 --> 00:02:38,792
I wish you could leave an adult woman
in a basket on a church step.
70
00:02:38,827 --> 00:02:41,795
Well, if your cousin Leena is
half as annoying as you talking about her
71
00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:43,163
all morning, then I'm with you.
72
00:02:43,198 --> 00:02:46,100
Yeah, Emet, your mom is forcing you
to have her over for one evening.
73
00:02:46,134 --> 00:02:48,302
Goldblum's mom tried to eat him.
74
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,736
You guys don't get it, okay?
75
00:02:49,771 --> 00:02:52,840
I need to be a nice person,
like, Bruce Banner for Lily
76
00:02:52,874 --> 00:02:54,675
and Leena turns me into the Hulk.
77
00:02:54,709 --> 00:02:56,743
Especially with her passive
aggressive comments like,
78
00:02:56,778 --> 00:02:58,745
"You're really aging into your face."
79
00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:01,014
It's one dinner, just fake being nice.
80
00:03:01,049 --> 00:03:03,584
Dudes do it all the time.
It's called, "charm."
81
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:06,153
Gross. Also, how do you do that?
82
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:08,355
Well, you just need to follow the guy rules
for a good first date.
83
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,356
Rule number one:
84
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,691
Always laugh at her jokes,
85
00:03:10,725 --> 00:03:12,092
even if they're at your expense.
86
00:03:12,538 --> 00:03:13,794
Yeah, you're right.
87
00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:15,829
My beard does look like glued-on pubes.
88
00:03:15,864 --> 00:03:17,764
- That's so funny.
- Number two.
89
00:03:17,799 --> 00:03:19,366
If you ever space out during her stories,
90
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,168
they only three words you need to know are,
91
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:23,137
"That sounds hard."
92
00:03:23,171 --> 00:03:25,772
The softer you say it,
the more paying attention-y you sound.
93
00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:27,774
And three:
act like you care about her interests.
94
00:03:27,809 --> 00:03:29,710
"Oh, when you buy a pair of shoes,
they'll give
95
00:03:29,744 --> 00:03:31,345
"another pair to a kid
in a third world country?
96
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:33,013
I'm sure they actually do that."
97
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,948
That sounds hard. Oh, hang on...
98
00:03:34,983 --> 00:03:36,717
- That sounds hard.
- That sounds hard.
99
00:03:36,751 --> 00:03:38,318
- That sounds hard.
- That sounds so hard.
100
00:03:38,353 --> 00:03:40,220
You guys are all sociopaths.
101
00:03:40,255 --> 00:03:42,022
And just for tonight, so am I.
102
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:45,225
So I can be a kind person
and a role model for my kids.
103
00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:47,027
Hey, Lily, do you wanna make potions?
104
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:48,996
Sure, do you have one
that will make you disappear?
105
00:03:49,030 --> 00:03:52,045
Lily and I can speak to each other
just through a look.
106
00:03:52,046 --> 00:03:53,046
_
107
00:03:53,489 --> 00:03:55,066
_
108
00:03:55,330 --> 00:03:56,567
_
109
00:03:56,838 --> 00:03:58,405
Okay, Louie. Potions sound cool.
110
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,741
Awesome. We'll need the eye of newt
111
00:04:00,775 --> 00:04:03,243
and the blood of a virgin dragon.
112
00:04:03,278 --> 00:04:06,079
Or we can just use an egg and hot sauce.
113
00:04:06,666 --> 00:04:08,682
Ugh, Leena's here.
114
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,784
Where's my calming potion?
115
00:04:12,020 --> 00:04:13,854
Hey Em'n'Em.
116
00:04:13,888 --> 00:04:15,155
You're looking good.
117
00:04:15,190 --> 00:04:17,824
- Thank you.
- You are so skinny.
118
00:04:17,859 --> 00:04:18,992
Are you okay?
119
00:04:19,027 --> 00:04:21,261
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
120
00:04:21,296 --> 00:04:23,096
Your mom and I have been chopping it up.
121
00:04:23,277 --> 00:04:24,431
They're like girlfriends.
122
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,867
Yeah, I talk, she talks, I talk.
123
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:29,269
It's like that show, "Sex and the Town."
124
00:04:29,304 --> 00:04:32,105
I'm the Carrie. She's the Samantha.
125
00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:34,675
So I guess that would make
you the angry career woman
126
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,243
who doesn't have time to watch the show.
127
00:04:36,422 --> 00:04:38,011
Fake it. Fake it.
128
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:41,915
Come on in, come on in.
129
00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:43,784
It's just one night. It's just one night.
130
00:04:43,818 --> 00:04:45,118
I'm not gonna make it.
I'm not gonna make it.
131
00:04:45,153 --> 00:04:46,720
I'm gonna smash her stupid face in.
132
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:49,223
Whose stupid face? Is it Auntie Leena?
133
00:04:49,257 --> 00:04:51,091
She's always bugged you, huh?
134
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,359
I totally get that.
135
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:53,860
- No. No. Uh-uh.
- Mm-mm.
136
00:04:53,895 --> 00:04:55,796
- I love Auntie Leena.
- Mm-hmm.
137
00:04:55,830 --> 00:04:58,432
What you just heard me saying
was something about the um...
138
00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,967
From... it's lyrics from...
139
00:05:00,001 --> 00:05:01,201
You don't know that Frank Sinatra song?
140
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,876
You know, we've... we've come a long way
141
00:05:09,911 --> 00:05:11,245
as a culture, musically.
142
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,591
I can do this.
143
00:05:13,682 --> 00:05:16,817
I just need to get through one dinner
with Leena before she leaves town.
144
00:05:16,851 --> 00:05:18,252
Emet, beta?
145
00:05:18,286 --> 00:05:20,153
I'm sorry I pressure you to cook.
146
00:05:20,188 --> 00:05:22,823
Because then I have to eat what you make.
147
00:05:22,857 --> 00:05:24,424
- Thank you for having us.
- Yeah.
148
00:05:24,459 --> 00:05:26,226
So, kids,
149
00:05:26,261 --> 00:05:29,296
this must be exciting having Mom home.
150
00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:31,465
She's usually at work playing video games
151
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,100
while Grandma watches you, right?
152
00:05:33,134 --> 00:05:35,902
Oh, snap. She went there.
153
00:05:35,937 --> 00:05:37,838
Eyes down. Eat your dinner.
154
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,806
Go to your happy place, and stay there.
155
00:05:39,841 --> 00:05:42,009
Don't lose it. Kids are watching.
156
00:05:42,043 --> 00:05:44,411
Go to one of your guy rules. Act interested.
157
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:48,849
Oh Leena,
you have always had such cool jobs.
158
00:05:48,883 --> 00:05:53,153
I am so interested to hear what
your current endeavors are.
159
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,488
Oh.
160
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:57,157
- I'm into the healing arts now.
- Oh.
161
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,492
Actually, that's why I'm in town,
162
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,260
for a crystal convention.
163
00:06:00,295 --> 00:06:02,929
- I didn't know they had those.
- They do.
164
00:06:02,964 --> 00:06:04,931
Most people are very skeptical, though.
165
00:06:04,966 --> 00:06:06,433
Oh... Not me.
166
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:09,269
Okay, I think crystals
are real and important.
167
00:06:09,304 --> 00:06:11,772
Oh, I wish everyone did.
168
00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:16,043
'Cause I invested a lot of money into this
and my rock babies are not moving.
169
00:06:16,077 --> 00:06:18,979
I am ass-deep in lapis lazuli and debt.
170
00:06:19,013 --> 00:06:21,281
Oh, beta.
171
00:06:21,316 --> 00:06:23,216
Oh. That sounds hard.
172
00:06:23,251 --> 00:06:27,220
You know, we have never
connected like this before.
173
00:06:27,255 --> 00:06:29,990
Mm, I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow.
174
00:06:30,024 --> 00:06:31,358
- I know.
- Oh, what are you gonna do?
175
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,893
Then don't.
176
00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:35,362
Emet has that big guest room and no friends.
177
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:37,197
Stay longer.
178
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:38,965
No.
179
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,970
Uh... I mean, no, don't take the guest room.
180
00:06:44,005 --> 00:06:45,839
- Take our bedroom.
- What...
181
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:50,010
Oh, my God, Emet. You are being so nice.
182
00:06:50,044 --> 00:06:51,131
Is that even you?
183
00:06:51,913 --> 00:06:54,214
Oh no, I see a little mustache.
That's you, fo' sho'.
184
00:06:54,606 --> 00:06:55,916
Kidding.
185
00:06:55,950 --> 00:06:58,151
But I will take the
guest bedroom for a week.
186
00:06:58,186 --> 00:07:00,320
It's gonna be fun.
Like cousin-on-cousin action.
187
00:07:01,066 --> 00:07:01,855
No.
188
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,824
Do you have any, like, leafy greens?
189
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,992
- These have no nutrition.
- Are you kidding?
190
00:07:06,027 --> 00:07:07,494
I have to keep this up for a whole week?
191
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,029
Kill me now.
192
00:07:13,258 --> 00:07:14,195
Hey.
193
00:07:14,229 --> 00:07:17,198
I am not letting you
invite Leena into my house.
194
00:07:17,232 --> 00:07:19,166
You didn't even check with me.
195
00:07:19,201 --> 00:07:20,234
Well, why should I check with you?
196
00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:21,869
You'd just say no.
197
00:07:21,903 --> 00:07:23,971
You've always been horrible to that girl.
198
00:07:24,005 --> 00:07:26,140
Then I have to hear about it from my sister,
199
00:07:26,174 --> 00:07:27,808
which is horrible for me.
200
00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:29,543
Where are your clean sheets?
201
00:07:29,578 --> 00:07:31,078
Oh. These are you clean sheets.
202
00:07:31,113 --> 00:07:33,080
I'm horrible to her?
203
00:07:33,115 --> 00:07:36,217
Did you hear the way she talks
about my work, my clothes?
204
00:07:36,251 --> 00:07:39,754
How can you be a corporate
honcho and be so sensitive?
205
00:07:39,788 --> 00:07:43,157
She can stay on your couch at your condo.
206
00:07:43,191 --> 00:07:44,725
You're not calling the shots, lady.
207
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,061
You're trapped. You have to play nice
208
00:07:47,095 --> 00:07:49,897
because you're making Lily play nice.
209
00:07:49,931 --> 00:07:51,599
How do you know about that?
210
00:07:51,633 --> 00:07:53,067
Her friend Sophia told me.
211
00:07:53,101 --> 00:07:55,736
I ran into her at Bloomies stealing blush.
212
00:07:55,771 --> 00:07:58,372
Something bad is happening
in that girl's house.
213
00:08:03,111 --> 00:08:06,781
You idiots. You gave me terrible advice.
214
00:08:06,815 --> 00:08:07,915
What? No way.
215
00:08:07,949 --> 00:08:10,584
Our advice for faking nice
always gets us at least a second date.
216
00:08:10,619 --> 00:08:12,086
I didn't want a second date,
217
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,088
and now Leena's staying
with me for a whole week.
218
00:08:14,122 --> 00:08:16,123
Now I have to figure out a way
to secretly get rid of her,
219
00:08:16,158 --> 00:08:17,958
without Lily finding out.
220
00:08:17,993 --> 00:08:20,928
Ah, well, that calls
for a whole other set of rules.
221
00:08:20,962 --> 00:08:23,764
AKA: "Find your knickers,
love, it's time to go."
222
00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:25,766
Yeah, you gotta make it impossible
for her to stick around.
223
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:27,968
I dated this chick once
who had a shellfish allergy
224
00:08:28,003 --> 00:08:29,223
and she mentioned marriage.
225
00:08:29,237 --> 00:08:32,273
So I just rubbed shrimp
all over myself every time we boned.
226
00:08:32,307 --> 00:08:34,308
Long story short, she gone.
227
00:08:35,603 --> 00:08:36,710
Griff, you're brilliant.
228
00:08:36,745 --> 00:08:38,078
Leena's allergic to dogs.
229
00:08:39,981 --> 00:08:42,650
Norman, I'm gonna give
Goldblum a loving home.
230
00:08:42,684 --> 00:08:44,285
- Mine.
- Great.
231
00:08:44,319 --> 00:08:46,720
You're gonna need to take
regular fecal samples.
232
00:08:46,755 --> 00:08:48,422
He's got a parasite.
233
00:08:48,456 --> 00:08:50,256
You and me both, Goldblum.
234
00:08:50,258 --> 00:08:52,226
You and me both.
235
00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:55,963
Here we go. I walk in with this mangy dog.
236
00:08:55,997 --> 00:08:57,932
My cousin chokes on her tongue, goes home,
237
00:08:57,966 --> 00:08:59,400
and no one knows I'm a bad person.
238
00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:00,935
Oh, Mommy's home. Hi, Mommy.
239
00:09:00,969 --> 00:09:01,936
- Hi.
- Hi.
240
00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:03,270
What the hell is that?
241
00:09:03,305 --> 00:09:05,105
Oh, I bought some crystal-infused water
242
00:09:05,140 --> 00:09:07,341
from Leena to be kind and try
to set a good example for Lily.
243
00:09:07,375 --> 00:09:08,909
It's disgusting.
244
00:09:09,335 --> 00:09:10,744
What the hell is that?
245
00:09:10,779 --> 00:09:12,179
- Uh, okay, it's a dog.
- What?
246
00:09:12,214 --> 00:09:13,981
No, no, no. We told the kids no dog.
247
00:09:14,015 --> 00:09:15,316
Oh. No, no, no. It's not staying.
248
00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:16,350
I don't even want the kids to see it.
249
00:09:16,384 --> 00:09:18,752
Okay look, its face is cute,
but its ass has worms.
250
00:09:18,787 --> 00:09:20,154
Emet, what is going on here?
251
00:09:20,188 --> 00:09:21,422
- Don't worry about it just...
- Ah-choo!
252
00:09:21,456 --> 00:09:23,324
Um, is there a dog in the house?
253
00:09:23,358 --> 00:09:25,326
Oh, I think I see what's going on here.
254
00:09:26,862 --> 00:09:28,429
Oh, I hate to tell you this, Em,
255
00:09:28,463 --> 00:09:30,831
but I am deeply allergic to dogs, remember?
256
00:09:30,866 --> 00:09:34,001
Which is ironic because
I was a dog in a previous life.
257
00:09:34,035 --> 00:09:35,836
Gosh, I am so sorry.
258
00:09:35,871 --> 00:09:40,174
I just promised a co-worker that I would
foster this poor, abandoned little guy.
259
00:09:40,208 --> 00:09:41,809
But you know what?
260
00:09:41,843 --> 00:09:43,978
Back to the kill shelter
for you, Tiger, kay?
261
00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:45,212
Or, you know what?
262
00:09:45,247 --> 00:09:46,480
David could take you to a hotel...
263
00:09:46,514 --> 00:09:48,148
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
264
00:09:48,183 --> 00:09:50,017
If I can handle all the dust in this house,
265
00:09:50,051 --> 00:09:51,352
I can handle the dander.
266
00:09:51,599 --> 00:09:53,287
Just keep that guy locked away
267
00:09:53,321 --> 00:09:55,189
and I'll power through this or die trying.
268
00:09:56,855 --> 00:09:57,791
Oof.
269
00:09:57,826 --> 00:10:00,194
God, I really hope she dies trying.
270
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:07,868
Okay, this plan is so immature.
271
00:10:07,903 --> 00:10:09,370
Oh, okay, okay, I know, but in my defense,
272
00:10:09,404 --> 00:10:10,404
I thought it would work.
273
00:10:10,438 --> 00:10:12,139
It's okay, I called Norman.
274
00:10:12,173 --> 00:10:13,307
He's gonna come get Goldblum
275
00:10:13,341 --> 00:10:14,975
before the kids wake up, okay?
276
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:17,745
Oh, my God, Goldblum,
go to sleep, you horny Muppet.
277
00:10:17,779 --> 00:10:18,846
You know...
you know what's gonna happen, right?
278
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,180
Leena's allergic to the dog.
279
00:10:20,215 --> 00:10:21,715
Her throat's gonna close up.
She's gonna die,
280
00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:22,716
And who's gonna take care of the body?
281
00:10:22,751 --> 00:10:24,351
You? No. Me.
282
00:10:24,386 --> 00:10:25,886
'Cause it's a man's job.
283
00:10:25,921 --> 00:10:27,021
Please. Come on. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
284
00:10:29,057 --> 00:10:30,724
And we have our fecal sample.
285
00:10:30,759 --> 00:10:31,926
- Okay. Okay.
- That's on you.
286
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,727
- You take care of that.
- No...
287
00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:35,062
That's how you make a friendship bracelet.
288
00:10:35,096 --> 00:10:36,764
Now go make a friend.
289
00:10:36,798 --> 00:10:39,066
I haven't practiced dance
all week because of you.
290
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,101
Hey, you know what?
I can help you practice dance.
291
00:10:41,136 --> 00:10:43,237
I need some help shaking
my badonkadonk though.
292
00:10:43,271 --> 00:10:46,106
That's not my job. Go watch a Ciara video.
293
00:10:46,141 --> 00:10:49,076
Lil, just help your brother
shake his badonkadonk.
294
00:10:49,110 --> 00:10:51,412
Your dad and I had the worst night ever.
295
00:10:51,446 --> 00:10:55,410
Mmm, best sleep ever.
296
00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:57,885
I slept so hard I forgot I was woke.
297
00:10:57,919 --> 00:11:01,388
Anyway, I had the craziest dream last night.
298
00:11:01,423 --> 00:11:02,957
Oh, you know what? I have to go to work.
299
00:11:02,991 --> 00:11:04,425
- Otherwise I'd hear it.
- Oh.
300
00:11:04,459 --> 00:11:06,427
Fancy office girl.
301
00:11:06,461 --> 00:11:09,229
You know,
I always thought your job was so cool.
302
00:11:09,264 --> 00:11:10,898
I wonder if I'd be good at it.
303
00:11:10,932 --> 00:11:13,200
Of course, you'd be good at it, beta.
304
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:15,102
It's just doodling cartoons.
305
00:11:15,136 --> 00:11:18,472
Ping-pong, Pok�mon,
Donkey Schlong, whatever.
306
00:11:18,506 --> 00:11:21,308
Emet, you should take her to GameSlap today
307
00:11:21,343 --> 00:11:23,444
and help her with her career goals.
308
00:11:23,478 --> 00:11:25,980
Oh, yeah, you know what? I would love to.
309
00:11:26,014 --> 00:11:28,816
I just, uh, can't be bringing
people to work willy-nilly.
310
00:11:30,251 --> 00:11:32,820
Oh no, I think Lily's onto me.
311
00:11:32,854 --> 00:11:34,388
Uh, yes, fine, fine.
312
00:11:34,422 --> 00:11:36,924
Leena, you can come with me for a few hours.
313
00:11:36,958 --> 00:11:38,258
Ah, great!
314
00:11:38,293 --> 00:11:39,960
I'll make a playlist for the ride.
315
00:11:39,995 --> 00:11:42,963
My drum circle just came out with an EP.
316
00:11:47,335 --> 00:11:48,836
Okay. Hey guys, listen.
317
00:11:48,870 --> 00:11:51,238
Oh, well if it isn't the doggie un-adopter.
318
00:11:51,272 --> 00:11:53,007
Luckily, I found him a new home.
319
00:11:53,041 --> 00:11:55,309
But now there's a Goldblum-shaped
hole in my heart
320
00:11:55,343 --> 00:11:58,245
that I will never... Hey, what's up?
321
00:11:58,279 --> 00:12:00,981
Norman, humanitarian and
Aquarius if you're into that.
322
00:12:01,016 --> 00:12:03,150
Hey Norman. Leo.
323
00:12:03,184 --> 00:12:05,119
And in case you were wondering,
324
00:12:05,153 --> 00:12:07,454
- I'm not afraid of the dark.
- Oh, my God.
325
00:12:07,489 --> 00:12:09,323
That means I'm into black guys.
326
00:12:09,357 --> 00:12:12,493
Uh, guys, this is my cousin, Leena.
327
00:12:12,527 --> 00:12:14,928
Don't mind me,
just gonna be a fly on the wall.
328
00:12:14,963 --> 00:12:17,297
Great. Okay so, Chewey,
329
00:12:17,332 --> 00:12:19,333
did you do the background
for the downloadable content?
330
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:22,202
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Question from the wall.
331
00:12:22,237 --> 00:12:23,971
How much money do you make, Emet?
332
00:12:24,647 --> 00:12:26,206
Leena, that's personal.
333
00:12:26,241 --> 00:12:28,842
What? I've never understood
why money is so personal.
334
00:12:28,877 --> 00:12:32,179
To me, personal is more like
embarrassing stuff you wouldn't tell anyone.
335
00:12:32,213 --> 00:12:34,448
You know, like that one time
you made out with our cousin
336
00:12:34,482 --> 00:12:36,316
because you thought he
looked like Michael Jackson.
337
00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:39,019
- What?
- Do you remember that?
338
00:12:39,054 --> 00:12:40,454
Okay, great. Let's get back to work.
339
00:12:40,488 --> 00:12:42,356
Quick question though:
Was the song playing when
340
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,158
you were making out, was it,
"Billy Jean Is Not My Cousin?"
341
00:12:44,192 --> 00:12:45,959
Or was it, "Annie Are You Okay...
342
00:12:45,994 --> 00:12:48,328
With Me Making Out With My Cousin?"
343
00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:50,164
"It Doesn't Matter If
You're Black Or My Cousin."
344
00:12:50,642 --> 00:12:51,965
Hee-hee, a-hee!
345
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,534
Listen, hey, Leena, let's...
346
00:12:53,568 --> 00:12:55,469
let's get you a cab out of here.
347
00:12:55,503 --> 00:12:57,404
Oh. But I'm having so much fun.
348
00:12:57,439 --> 00:12:59,006
- Boo.
- She just got here.
349
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,175
All right. Well, add me on the 'Gram.
350
00:13:01,209 --> 00:13:02,309
Bye.
351
00:13:02,343 --> 00:13:03,577
Kay, move faster.
352
00:13:03,611 --> 00:13:05,579
Before you make Hulk smash.
353
00:13:05,613 --> 00:13:10,017
The heat will draw out impurities
and other crap from your ear.
354
00:13:10,051 --> 00:13:13,053
Thank you for allowing me
to be part of your wellness journey.
355
00:13:13,088 --> 00:13:15,189
I mean, not like
you would take no for an answer...
356
00:13:15,223 --> 00:13:17,991
Well a no is just a yes waiting to be born.
357
00:13:18,026 --> 00:13:20,561
I learned that when I sold
subprime mortgages.
358
00:13:20,595 --> 00:13:22,496
- Namaste.
- Namaste, okay.
359
00:13:22,530 --> 00:13:24,231
Oh. There is a little
bit of blood coming out.
360
00:13:24,265 --> 00:13:25,599
- What?
- I'll get alcohol swabs.
361
00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:27,401
I think I'm light-headed. Is that normal...
362
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:31,004
- What?
- Work is awful. Home is awful.
363
00:13:31,039 --> 00:13:33,040
Please tell me that you saved
the pills the doctor gave you
364
00:13:33,074 --> 00:13:34,575
when your back went out,
because I would like to
365
00:13:34,609 --> 00:13:36,243
sleep until she is gone.
366
00:13:36,277 --> 00:13:37,344
- Emet.
- Oh, God!
367
00:13:37,378 --> 00:13:39,446
- Yay!
- There she is.
368
00:13:39,481 --> 00:13:40,681
You're home.
369
00:13:40,715 --> 00:13:42,449
I have been waiting to tell you,
370
00:13:42,484 --> 00:13:45,052
there was an open admin assistant position
371
00:13:45,086 --> 00:13:48,255
at GamePunch, and guess who applied?
372
00:13:48,289 --> 00:13:50,023
- No.
- Me!
373
00:13:50,058 --> 00:13:51,525
We're gonna be work cousins.
374
00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:53,427
We're gonna have breakfast
together, and then
375
00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:56,430
we're gonna have, like,
girls' night happy hour after work...
376
00:13:56,464 --> 00:13:58,632
No, no, no, no, no. That's it.
377
00:13:58,666 --> 00:14:01,935
I have tried to be nice to
set an example for my kids,
378
00:14:01,970 --> 00:14:03,637
but this is too far.
379
00:14:03,951 --> 00:14:05,205
I'm done.
380
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,974
Can you handle it?
381
00:14:07,008 --> 00:14:08,075
- I'm gonna frickin' get her...
- Hey...
382
00:14:10,445 --> 00:14:12,370
First she invades my home,
then she invades the place
383
00:14:12,445 --> 00:14:13,771
that I go to to get away from home.
384
00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,881
And don't tell me to be nice.
I am ending it.
385
00:14:15,915 --> 00:14:17,482
- Do it.
- Really?
386
00:14:17,516 --> 00:14:18,984
- End it.
- Really?
387
00:14:19,018 --> 00:14:20,986
Yes. That woman is insane.
388
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:22,387
I mean, look what she did to my ear.
389
00:14:22,421 --> 00:14:24,055
And that's the hole I'm
least concerned about.
390
00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:25,490
You know, I swallowed
one of those water crystals?
391
00:14:25,524 --> 00:14:26,658
Now I have to wait for it to pass.
392
00:14:26,692 --> 00:14:28,126
What are we gonna do?
393
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,561
- I'm gonna go nuclear.
- Okay.
394
00:14:29,595 --> 00:14:32,063
- My mother likes Leena, right?
- Mm-hmm.
395
00:14:32,098 --> 00:14:34,065
- What if she didn't?
- I'm listening.
396
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,634
I mean, it sounds like I'm underwater,
but I'm listening.
397
00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:38,203
I'm gonna bring up the family scandal,
398
00:14:38,237 --> 00:14:39,704
of which we never speak.
399
00:14:42,519 --> 00:14:44,576
Oh, I thought the crystal
was crowning, but no, it's not.
400
00:14:44,610 --> 00:14:46,344
But also... Do you mean...
401
00:14:46,379 --> 00:14:48,313
Yes, the diamond earrings.
402
00:14:48,347 --> 00:14:50,081
- It's perfect.
- Oh, my God.
403
00:14:50,116 --> 00:14:53,090
It'll just seem like my mom and Leena
had a fight and our hands will be clean.
404
00:14:53,119 --> 00:14:55,587
And Lily and Louis will still
think that we are good people.
405
00:14:55,621 --> 00:14:57,422
Oh, and your mom will freak out.
406
00:14:57,456 --> 00:14:59,691
Do it, burn this family to the ground.
407
00:15:00,557 --> 00:15:01,359
We've had a good run.
408
00:15:01,394 --> 00:15:03,028
Yes, we have.
409
00:15:06,132 --> 00:15:07,332
- Kids are watching a movie?
- Yes.
410
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,400
- The baby's asleep?
- Yes.
411
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:09,701
- Here we go.
- Hi.
412
00:15:09,735 --> 00:15:11,603
Hi.
413
00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:15,607
So, would it be weird if I put a tip jar
on my desk at GamePunch?
414
00:15:15,641 --> 00:15:16,675
I mean, if I get the job.
415
00:15:16,709 --> 00:15:18,410
Oh, you're gonna get it.
416
00:15:18,444 --> 00:15:20,111
And then we're gonna celebrate, huh?
417
00:15:20,146 --> 00:15:22,113
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, party!
418
00:15:22,148 --> 00:15:25,550
Speaking of celebrations, hey, your parents'
419
00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:27,719
anniversary party is gonna be
happening soon, right?
420
00:15:27,753 --> 00:15:29,387
- That's exciting.
- Mm-hmm.
421
00:15:29,422 --> 00:15:32,390
It is. I mean, it is a lot of work.
422
00:15:32,425 --> 00:15:34,759
You've never given your
parents an anniversary party,
423
00:15:34,794 --> 00:15:36,695
- so you wouldn't know.
- Mm-hmm.
424
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,532
Yes, that sounds amazing.
425
00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:42,968
Hey, your mom is such a fashionista.
426
00:15:43,002 --> 00:15:44,636
What is she wearing?
427
00:15:44,670 --> 00:15:47,739
Oh, a gorgeous black dress
just dripping in sequins.
428
00:15:47,773 --> 00:15:50,608
More sequins than Michael Jackson,
you should like that.
429
00:15:52,153 --> 00:15:55,046
- No.
- That sounds so pretty.
430
00:15:55,081 --> 00:15:57,215
What is the rest of her ensemble, though?
431
00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,050
Uh, some fancy black flats.
432
00:15:59,085 --> 00:16:01,386
She can't do heels anymore. Diabetes feet.
433
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,154
Oh, so sad. Accessories?
434
00:16:03,189 --> 00:16:05,724
Oh, the diamond earrings
Grandma left to her, of course.
435
00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:07,759
Left to her?
436
00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:09,561
It's happening. It's happening.
437
00:16:09,595 --> 00:16:11,429
You mean the diamond
earrings she stole from me.
438
00:16:11,464 --> 00:16:14,265
No, Mom got those earrings fair and square.
439
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,768
Everyone knows she took
care of Grandma at the end.
440
00:16:16,802 --> 00:16:18,737
What bull[bleep].
441
00:16:18,771 --> 00:16:20,605
I hope someone left someone a set of plates.
442
00:16:20,639 --> 00:16:22,307
If by "took care of her" you mean
443
00:16:22,341 --> 00:16:24,409
hovered over her like a vulture,
444
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,277
waiting for her to take her last breath
445
00:16:26,312 --> 00:16:28,413
so she could steal the
diamond earrings that were
446
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:31,349
promised to my lobes... then, yes!
447
00:16:31,384 --> 00:16:34,119
Leena, how could you?
448
00:16:40,826 --> 00:16:42,460
Do I need to say it in English?
449
00:16:42,495 --> 00:16:44,229
No, no, no. I'll go.
450
00:16:45,578 --> 00:16:47,799
Okay, that's wasteful.
451
00:16:49,535 --> 00:16:51,136
Come.
452
00:16:54,073 --> 00:16:55,640
- Oh.
- What?
453
00:16:55,674 --> 00:16:57,375
- Boom-chicka, boom-chicka.
- That way. This way.
454
00:16:59,245 --> 00:17:02,547
I am so angry my mouth tastes like metal.
455
00:17:02,581 --> 00:17:06,117
Why would that silly girl bring
up the family death earrings?
456
00:17:06,152 --> 00:17:09,187
Why? My darling, can you be so blind?
457
00:17:09,221 --> 00:17:10,522
You've been played.
458
00:17:10,556 --> 00:17:12,824
What... what are you saying, Googaloo?
459
00:17:12,858 --> 00:17:14,492
"What's your mom wearing to the party?
460
00:17:14,527 --> 00:17:16,795
"No, no, no, not the dress. Talk some more.
461
00:17:16,829 --> 00:17:19,464
"No, no, no,
not the shoes on the diabetic feet.
462
00:17:19,498 --> 00:17:23,868
Keep talking until you
bring up the earrings."
463
00:17:23,903 --> 00:17:25,670
- Oh.
- Wake up, lady.
464
00:17:25,704 --> 00:17:27,806
Emet used you to get rid of Leena.
465
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,808
Clever girl.
466
00:17:30,190 --> 00:17:32,510
She has my best qualities.
467
00:17:34,613 --> 00:17:37,449
Now I end her.
468
00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:41,783
Bye, candles. Bye, crystals.
469
00:17:41,818 --> 00:17:43,752
- Bye...
- You can stop packing.
470
00:17:43,786 --> 00:17:45,626
I think Leena should stay.
471
00:17:45,661 --> 00:17:47,089
Damn it, you're onto me already?
472
00:17:47,123 --> 00:17:50,092
Your whole life you've been
a little bitch to that girl.
473
00:17:50,126 --> 00:17:52,094
- What's wrong with you, man?
- I don't know.
474
00:17:52,128 --> 00:17:55,263
You're the one who broke my
Nate Berkus for Target plates.
475
00:17:55,298 --> 00:17:56,798
She just... she drives me crazy.
476
00:17:56,833 --> 00:18:01,103
Why? You manage to be nice to
all those losers that you work with.
477
00:18:01,137 --> 00:18:05,107
What is it about poor Leena?
Why can't you be nice to her?
478
00:18:05,141 --> 00:18:06,408
I don't know,
maybe it's 'cause you're always
479
00:18:06,442 --> 00:18:08,804
nicer to her than you are to me.
480
00:18:09,078 --> 00:18:10,112
Breakthrough.
481
00:18:10,146 --> 00:18:12,814
I'm calling my shrink right after this.
482
00:18:12,849 --> 00:18:16,651
You have always been
kinder and more forgiving
483
00:18:16,686 --> 00:18:18,920
and more encouraging to Leena than to me.
484
00:18:18,955 --> 00:18:20,288
You support her career goals.
485
00:18:20,323 --> 00:18:22,090
You praise her for everything she does.
486
00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:24,745
You chop it up like you're girlfriends.
487
00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:26,962
What do you love so much
about that whack job?
488
00:18:29,198 --> 00:18:31,299
I knew this day would come.
489
00:18:31,334 --> 00:18:35,103
- Many years ago, I took a lover.
- What's that, now?
490
00:18:35,138 --> 00:18:37,939
I became heavy with his child.
491
00:18:37,974 --> 00:18:39,808
I knew I had to hide my secret.
492
00:18:39,842 --> 00:18:43,145
Your aunt agreed to take the baby.
493
00:18:43,179 --> 00:18:48,283
And that baby was my sweet Leena.
494
00:18:48,317 --> 00:18:50,819
She's my daughter.
495
00:18:50,853 --> 00:18:52,053
Mom, you're a jerk.
496
00:18:52,088 --> 00:18:55,157
She's selling rocks for goodness sake.
497
00:18:55,191 --> 00:18:57,025
I'm nice to her because she needs it.
498
00:18:57,059 --> 00:18:59,895
She has none of your talent or success.
499
00:18:59,929 --> 00:19:01,296
You think I'm talented and successful?
500
00:19:01,330 --> 00:19:03,064
Why don't you ever say that?
501
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,800
Why don't you ever tell me that
502
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:08,203
I'm a good mom and grandma and I work hard
503
00:19:08,237 --> 00:19:10,205
and I look great for my age?
504
00:19:10,239 --> 00:19:13,175
Well, you do. And I don't know.
505
00:19:13,209 --> 00:19:15,844
That's why I tried to hide
my hypocrisy from Lily.
506
00:19:15,878 --> 00:19:18,313
Okay? I want her to be nice to Louie.
507
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,982
I want them to be better people than we are.
508
00:19:21,017 --> 00:19:22,851
Um, I'm pretty sure we already are.
509
00:19:22,885 --> 00:19:24,219
Oh, no.
510
00:19:24,253 --> 00:19:26,630
All I did was normal big-sister stuff.
511
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:29,491
You plotted against your cousin
and screamed at your mom.
512
00:19:29,525 --> 00:19:31,092
- That's fair.
- Wait a minute.
513
00:19:31,127 --> 00:19:34,362
Is "Smash Her Stupid Face In"
even a real song?
514
00:19:34,397 --> 00:19:35,730
No.
515
00:19:35,765 --> 00:19:37,499
Unbelievable.
516
00:19:39,068 --> 00:19:42,337
Okay, if those two little buttheads
try to milk this for iPads,
517
00:19:42,371 --> 00:19:44,039
you're going halfsies with me.
518
00:19:44,073 --> 00:19:45,907
All right, I can be a hypocrite.
519
00:19:45,942 --> 00:19:47,876
But if I want my daughter
to be a better person,
520
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:50,045
that means I have to be a better person too.
521
00:19:50,079 --> 00:19:51,379
Which is such a pain in the ass.
522
00:19:51,414 --> 00:19:52,881
But here it goes.
523
00:19:52,915 --> 00:19:55,016
Leena, I have to be honest.
524
00:19:55,051 --> 00:19:57,018
I tried to sabotage you with my mom
525
00:19:57,053 --> 00:19:58,787
to drive you out of my house.
526
00:19:58,821 --> 00:20:00,222
And I'm sorry.
527
00:20:00,789 --> 00:20:02,390
What is wrong with you?
528
00:20:02,425 --> 00:20:06,228
I'm kidding, I totally understand
why you had to get me out.
529
00:20:08,998 --> 00:20:10,465
It's pretty clear
your husband's into me.
530
00:20:11,299 --> 00:20:12,400
Oh, I don't think David's...
531
00:20:12,435 --> 00:20:14,536
And that's why I probably
shouldn't come around anymore.
532
00:20:14,570 --> 00:20:16,471
Hello, honesty? Hold please.
533
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:19,140
Yes. Yeah, I think that's very wise.
534
00:20:19,175 --> 00:20:20,942
This must be so hard for you, knowing
535
00:20:20,977 --> 00:20:22,978
your husband really wants me,
but is stuck with you.
536
00:20:23,012 --> 00:20:25,413
But while we're being honest,
I wanted to let you know
537
00:20:25,448 --> 00:20:27,115
I kissed Jagdish, too.
538
00:20:27,149 --> 00:20:28,550
- At his wedding.
- Oh.
539
00:20:28,584 --> 00:20:30,252
I'm bad. I know. In front of his wife.
540
00:20:31,587 --> 00:20:33,455
Okay.
541
00:20:33,489 --> 00:20:35,056
Guess this is good-bye.
542
00:20:35,091 --> 00:20:37,259
Oh, bye forever. Okay.
543
00:20:37,293 --> 00:20:39,060
The airport, m'lady?
544
00:20:39,095 --> 00:20:41,496
Oh. Thank you.
545
00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,432
Also, I'm gonna need a large Gatorade,
a cheeseburger,
546
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:46,134
and just some straight-up cash.
547
00:20:46,168 --> 00:20:48,470
Well, I have water
and treats for you in the car.
548
00:20:48,504 --> 00:20:50,272
Mmm.
549
00:20:50,306 --> 00:20:52,107
One man's mess is another man's rescue.
550
00:20:52,141 --> 00:20:53,475
Let's go with that.
551
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:57,279
- Come on!
- Yeah, bye. Oh, okay, I see that heart.
552
00:20:57,313 --> 00:20:59,114
Okay, gosh... Oh, broke the heart.
553
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:03,184
Leave, you. Skedaddle.
554
00:21:03,219 --> 00:21:04,586
All right, how'd that go?
555
00:21:05,363 --> 00:21:06,549
She gone.
556
00:21:07,023 --> 00:21:09,791
Oh, and she thinks
that you're in love with her.
557
00:21:09,825 --> 00:21:11,092
All I heard was, "she gone."
558
00:21:13,029 --> 00:21:14,829
- Oh.
- What?
559
00:21:14,864 --> 00:21:16,965
- Oh, no, oh, it's happening
- Yeah, it's the crystal.
560
00:21:16,999 --> 00:21:18,366
Okay go in there and, uh,
561
00:21:18,401 --> 00:21:19,834
- focus on the exhale!
- Okay.
42013
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