Original subtitles

The Celibacy Club will now come to order.

Let's start the meeting by reading the minutes from last week's meeting,

where we read the minutes from the previous meeting,

and Rachel spent the hour quizzing Quinn about the nature of her relationship with Finn.

Questions somebody still refuses to answer.

And I will continue to refuse to answer them because they are none of your business.

All I will reveal is that I rejoined the Celibacy Club to focus on me.

Me too. Finn is Kryptonite, which is why I'm focusing all my energies on my songwriting.

Yes, and I have to say I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy...

is a viable option for teens who simply aren't ready for intimacy,

and for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster.

I have a little bit of club swag here that I think's really gonna catch on.

Ready?

Chastity charms.

We hand out the little hearts, but not the key.

That way nobody can open the lock forever.

- And, ladies, that's what keeps us safe. - I have some questions.

Some things that I-I'm curious about.

No, no, no. Why be curious? No. Wait to have relations until you're comfortable, right?

Maybe till your honeymoon, I don't know.

Maybe even later.

Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!

I'm just so disappointed.

Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.

I did, until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.

I know preaching abstinence is hard, but I've seen how a teen pregnancy...

can turn a kid's world upside down.

So keep fighting the good fight.

And I'm happy to do whatever I can to help make celibacy an option for these kids.

I don't know, hot stuff.

Sounds pretty lame.

- Holly! What are you doing here? - Subbing!

The Health and Wellness teacher's out with a mad case of the herp. Yikers.

- Oh, it's so good to see you! - You too!

Oh, this face. This face!

Oh. Oh, this is, uh...

- Emma. - Emma. Emma Pillsbury.

- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. - Very nice to meet you.

This is Holly Holliday.

- Hi, Holly. - Have a seat here.

- Oh, thank you. - Wow!

So, I'm curious why you don't, uh,

think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers.

Oh, I think it's a valid choice.

I just don't think it's that realistic.

You know, it's like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions.

I just read in the newspaper that 90 high school girls...

in a Memphis school district got pregnant within three months.

I mean, it is Tennessee, but still.

We've got to shake things up, you know?

Information is power.

Oh, and by the way, Will, some of your Glee kids are the most clueless.

Demonstration.

This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of H. I.V.,

which can lead to AIDS, and it also prevents pregnancy.

Wait. Cucumbers can give you AIDS?

Seriously? 'Cause I just had them on my salad.

We've got to educate these kids.

I strongly disagree. I don't think that we should barrage these kids...

with graphic information.

They're kids. I don't want to steal their innocence.

Are you, like, some kind of crazy pope lady?

Think about the images that these kids are exposed to.

I mean, think about what they have access to.

That doesn't make it okay, and it shouldn't change the message that they get from us,

which is this is serious stuff, and it's not for kids and it's not for adults!

Okay, well, I think that's a little naive.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have crazy sex...

because I'm crazy informed about it.

Kidding.

Hasta luego.

- Oh, man.

Hey, Britt-Britt. So, listen.

How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening, get our cuddle on?

Look, I'd really like to get my sweet-lady kisses on,

but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.

I think I have a bun in the oven.

Please don't tell anyone.

Okay? Especially Artie.

Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with...

Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.

It was only a matter of time.

For what? Brittany to get pregnant.

Oh. Congratulations!

For what? Oh, you didn't hear?

Your girlfriend's preggo. You're gonna be a baby daddy.

All right, folks. Regionals is in a week.

It's time to get deep into our set list.

Artie, you okay?

My life is over.

How am I supposed to support a baby?

How could you not tell me about this?

Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?

Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you.

I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off.

I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Um, babies don't get dropped off.

Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet?

That's the only way to be sure.

I don't need to go to a doctor.

I just need to look outside my window.

Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage.

I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby.

I know where babies come from.

And that's when I realized you were right.

Let's go, Health and Wellness Jazzercise class!

Do we feel our hearts pumping yet, guys?

You see? We have really got to educate these kids.

How are we going to do that without being too graphic? Breathe it in.

I want to educate them, not titillate them.

Didn't you ever read Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook?

It's all about taking vegetables and hiding it in food...

so that you can trick kids into eating what's good for them.

Shake it!

Ah! And loose.

I'm not following.

It's Jazzercise, Will. It's really not that hard.

No. Grease it.

I'm still talking about the vegetable hiding.

All I'm saying is, all we have to do...

is find a way to sneak in the sex education lesson in a less provocative way.

And stretch.

Oh!

You guys were awesome! Yeah!

How good do we feel? Awesome!

Are we sweating? Yes.

Next week, we are going to talk about the power of muscle testing.

Yeah? Bye. Love you.

Bye!

Okay, here's what I think you should do.

Let me come into Glee Club this week, and I'll show you what I mean.

The kids will think that they're getting ready for regionals,

but really, I'll slip in a little lesson about how to avoid S.T.D.s.

And speaking of S.T.D. S, how is your dating life?

Um, right now, I'm the president of the Celibacy Club.

Mmm. That's a waste of some fine man-butt.

"Sexy."

I really hope that's not one of the requirements for regionals,

because with Berry in those tights, we don't stand a chance.

No, this isn't about regionals. I'm less worried about that right now...

and more worried about the fact that it's become clear to me...

that some of you have been lacking...

when it comes to understanding the...

the, uh... the intricacies of adult relationships.

- Yeah, anyways.

Along with preparing for our regional next week,

I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these intricacies.

Is this the appropriate forum for that?

Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems,

it's always helped us to sing about it.

So, this week I have invited a special guest.

Miss Holliday.

Hola, clase.

Oh, no. It's the salad lady.

Okay. So, sex.

It's just like hugging, only wetter.

- Yeah, it is. - Okay, so, let's start with the basics. Finn?

Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?

- I have always been dubious. -

And, Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?

I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

- - Well, that's all gonna end right here, right now.

Because today, we are gonna get under the covers, all together,

and get the ditty on the dirty.

- I'm so turned on right now. - What about those of us who choose to remain celibate?

Oh, well, I admire you.

Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.

- I think this is a good time for a song. - Oh, yes. Okay.

- Okay. - Rule number one. Every intimate encounter...

that you're ever gonna have in your life is gonna start with a touch.

Hit it!

We've been here too long tryin' to get along

Pretendin' that you're oh, so shy

I'm a natural ma'am

Doin' all I can

My temperature is runnin' high

Cry at night

No one in sight

And we got so much to share

Talking's fine

If you got the time

But I ain't got the time to spare

Y eah

- Do you wanna touch - Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

- Do you wanna touch - Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

There, yeah

Yeah Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Yeah Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Every girl and boy needs a little joy

All you do is sit and stare

Beggin' on my knees

Baby, won't you please

Run your fingers through my hair?

My, my, my, whiskey and rye

Don't it make you feel so fine?

Right or wrong, don't it turn you on?

Can't you see we're wasting time? Yeah

- Do you wanna touch - Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

- Do you wanna touch - Yeah

Do you wanna touch me there?

Where?

There, yeah

Yeah Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Do ya? Do ya?

Yeah Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Do ya? Do ya?

- Touch me there - Yeah, oh, yeah

You know where

- Oh, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Do ya? Do ya?

So, just remember... whenever you have sex with someone,

you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with,

and everybody's got a random.

Don't you think it's time...

for the Warblers to do a Joan Armatrading medley?

I'm not sure people know who that is.

Well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sweet Porcelain.

Coach Sylvester. What are you doing here?

Oh, just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot.

Actually, boys, I heard that this was a Dalton Academy hangout,

and I come in a spirit of fellowship.

As you no doubt have heard, I've taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity.

- We heard you pushed him down the stairs. - No, you can't prove that.

This is just sort of how she talks.

So, I happen to have some top secret intel.

Will Schuester has finally realized...

that his team's Achilles' heel is their utter lack of sex appeal.

The New Directions are getting sexy,

and the key to regionals is out-sexing them.

And I suspect that the judges...

are scoring extra for it this year.

So, Porcelain, quid pro quo.

What do you have for me?

I'm sorry, Coach, but you and I are not in cahoots.

Probably should have nailed that down before I gave you my top secret intel.

Porcelain,

you just made a powerful enema.

- We got to hold an emergency meeting. - Why?

Weren't you listening? The judges at regionals have an eye out for something new,

which means the Warblers got to do something sexified.

I am very disappointed in you, Will,

letting Holly come in and just teach the Glee kids about stuff.

I mean, why didn't you just pair them up, huh? Rent 'em a bunch of motel rooms.

Whoa. I had no choice, Emma. These kids are totally unprepared.

Look, in the spirit of fairness,

why don't you and the kids in your Celibacy Club come in and do a number?

- What, like, sing? - Yeah.

We're trying to teach through song,

and yours can be a counterargument to Holly's.

Well, I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall.

- You know what I mean.

- Well, Puckerman, it's your lucky day.

You're finally gonna let me motorboat those twins?

Remember I told you I had a master plan? Here it is.

Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape...

of their intimate relations that didn't make them more famous?

If this is going where I think it's going, I may need to sit down.

Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous.

Doing that number for Glee Club was my first step toward being a star.

I want to be like a Kardashian.

I want a TV show and a fragrance.

It'll be called Zizes, and the slogan will be, "You just got Zized!"

I'm not sure I heard that last part right...

'cause I'm getting a little light-headed,

but if we make one of those tapes, that means...

Wow. If your lovemaking prowess...

is as impressive as your skills at deduction,

I'm in for a wild night.

I would like to welcome the ladies of our sister school, Crawford Country Day.

As you know, the Warblers are competing in our show choir's regionals competition next week.

So, what we're going for here today, ladies, is something a little...

a little sexy.

But we need your input. Are we scream worthy?

Do we make your knees turn to jelly?

So, without further ado, hang on to your bobby socks, girls,

'cause we're about to rock your world.

Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na

Here we are again

I feel the chemicals kickin' in

It's getting heavy and I wanna run and hide

I wanna run and hide

I do it every time

You're killin' me now

And I won't be denied by you

The animal inside of you

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh What are you waiting for?

Take a bite of my heart tonight

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Say good-bye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush, the world is quiet

Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Hush, hush, we both can't fight it

It's us that made this mess

Why can't you understand?

Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh What are you waiting for?

Take a bite of my heart tonight

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting

Here we go again

Say good-bye to my heart tonight

Call us.

Sweet, but not on your team.

Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.

Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.

It just looked like you were having gas pains or something.

Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at regionals and sell sexy to the judges...

when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?

We'll figure something out.

I want to talk to you about something.

I really like when we make out and stuff.

Which isn't cheating because...

The plumbing's different. Mm-hmm.

But when Artie and I are together,

we talk about stuff, like feelings.

Why?

Because with feelings it's better.

Are you kidding? It's better when it doesn't involve feelings.

I think it's better when it doesn't involve eye contact.

I don't know. I guess I just don't know how I feel about us.

Look, let's be clear here.

I'm not interested in any labels,

unless it's on something I shoplift.

I don't know, Santana.

I think we should talk to somebody.

Like an adult.

This relationship is really confusing for me.

Breakfast is confusing for you.

Well, sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's salty.

Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? Then what is it?

Those linens are incredible. I know. Is that Egyptian cotton?

Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff? It classes it up.

If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I'll watch E!

Touch me. We're not putting any of that stuff in ours.

Well, maybe... Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, hey, Miss H. Hey, can you help us out? Uh, yeah.

Lauren and I are gonna make a sex tape.

So I can get a recording contract.

Wow. Okay. Well, first, can I just say that I'm very impressed...

by not only your ambition, but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies.

It's easy to be comfortable when you look this good.

Agreed. Uh, now for the downside.

Are you aware that because you're under 18 years of age,

making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty of child pornography?

Listen, guys, don't take this too hard, all right?

These things just- They never work out well.

My sex tape with J. D. Salinger was a disaster.

Okay. Thanks, Miss H.

Later, dudes.

Ladies.

Miss Holliday, we need your help.

So, why are we sitting on the floor?

'Cause we're in Japan.

No.

Welcome to my sacred, sexy, sharing circle.

I want to thank you guys for confiding in me, 'cause I know this is tough,

and I want to ask both of you...

if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.

I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, who knows?

I'm attracted to girls, and I'm attracted to guys.

I made out with a mannequin.

I even had a sex dream about a shrub...

that was just in the shape of a person.

Hmm. Well, we've all been there.

I went to an all-girls college...

where the only industry in the town...

was the manufacturing of softball equipment.

I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco.

Ooh!

Anyway, it's not about who you are attracted to ultimately.

It's about who you fall in love with.

Well, I don't know how I feel,

because Santana refuses to talk about it.

Okay. Well, I know talking about feelings can be really hard, so...

I have an idea. Why don't you guys find a song...

and see if maybe the lyrics of the song...

could help you start a dialogue going?

I could be down with that.

I have the perfect song.

There's just one problem though.

Britt and I may need your help to sing it.

I thought you'd never ask.

All right, so give me sensual, but don't make fun of it.

Like, really try.

Okay. Now give me sultry.

Um, Kurt, they're all sort of looking the same.

That's because the face I'm actually doing is uncomfortable.

This is pointless, Blaine.

I don't know how to be sexy because I don't know the first thing about sex.

Kurt, you're blushing.

I've tried watching those movies,

but I just get horribly depressed, and I think about...

how they were all kids once, and they all have mothers,

and what would their mothers think, and why would you get that tattoo there?

Then maybe we should have a conversation about it. I'll tell you what I know.

I don't- I don't want to know the graphic details.

I like romance.

That's why I like Broadway musicals,

because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.

Kurt, you're gonna have to learn about it someday.

Well, not today.

I think I've learned quite enough for today, thank you.

I think you should leave.

So, just nice and easy.

I don't want to go too far away from the original version.

Since when do you need help singing in front of the Glee Club?

Oh, it's not about the singing. I'm trying to make Prince's "Kiss" into a tango.

Just want to make sure it's appropriate.

"Kiss" as a tango?

That's awesome, and ridiculous.

Anyway, I want to do this right for the "Sexy" lesson.

So picture us in the auditorium... big backdrop,

lighting, costume, the whole thing.

Hit it.

Uh

You don't have to be beautiful

To turn me on

I just need your body, baby

From dusk till dawn

You don't need experience

To turn me out

You just leave it all up to me

I'm gonna show you what it's all about

You don't have to be rich to be my girl

You don't have to be cool to rule my world

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with

I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Y eah

Women, not girls, rule my world

I said they rule my world

Act your age, not your shoe size

Not your shoe size

Maybe we can do the twirl

You don't have to watch Dynasty

To have an attitude

You just leave it all up to me

My love will be your food

Y eah

You don't have to be rich to be my girl

Don't have to be cool to rule my world

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with

I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

I am so into you.

Don't be. Go out with me.

Oh, you don't want any of this.

I'm damaged goods. Yes, it makes me terrific in bed,

but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.

Oh, I think I can handle it.

You married your high school sweetheart,

and then you went out with a virgin.

It's a great song. You don't need me though. The kids are gonna love it.

Need a hand?

Yeah. Why don't you hand me that carburetor?

How'd you know which one it was?

My dad and I rebuilt a '59 Chevy in our driveway two summers ago.

One of his many attempts at bonding.

- You here looking for parts? - No actually.

- I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt. - Is he okay?

Have you ever talked to him about sex?

Are you gay, or straight, or what?

I'm definitely gay.

Okay, good. I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh...

You know, good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to talk to.

Well, that's kind of my point.

I've tried talking to him, but he basically puts...

his fingers in his ears and starts singing.

Well, when he's ready, he'll listen.

I'm worried that it might be too late.

You know, Dalton doesn't even have sex ed classes. Most schools don't.

And the ones that do almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids.

Kurt is-is the most moral, compassionate person I've ever met.

Yeah, he gets that from his mother.

And-And I am blown away by your guys' relationship.

You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars?

I think he did it because he thought getting my hands dirty might make me straight.

You know, he talk to you about this, uh, kind of stuff?

No. I had to go find it for myself.

The Internet is great, and all the information is out there, but I went searching for it.

Kurt won't, and one day he'll be at a party,

and maybe have a few drinks, and then he'll meet some guy and start fooling around,

and he's not gonna know about using protection or S.T.D.s.

I don't have the relationship with my dad...

that you have with Kurt.

I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that.

I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.

You are.

I took my love and I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

- Oh, oh - Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

And I'm getting older too

Well, I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down

Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide brought me down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, maybe

The landslide will bring you down

Is that really how you feel?

Uh, yeah.

Thank you.

Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right?

Wish you and I were that close.

Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm?

- Brava. Brava. - Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany...

doesn't mean that you can put a label on me.

Is that clear?

This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order.

Before we begin, I would just like to start by congratulating you by reminding you...

not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year.

You get tensies for menses.

I'd also like to welcome our newest member, Noah Puckerman.

- Are you lost, Noah? - Yeah, you don't belong here.

You're the biggest French whore of them all.

Zizes and I were gonna make a sex tape.

I found out that making that tape would have resulted in my arrest.

I've hit rock bottom, and I've come here to set myself straight.

That's just awesome, Noah. And you're just in time,

because tomorrow the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club...

extolling the benefits of celibacy.

I'm down for that. Point of order though.

While three chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom,

it's not the best balance for singing.

- We need at least one more dude. - I've got that covered.

Gonna find my baby, Gonna hold her tight

Gonna grab some afternoon delight

My motto's always been "When it's right, it's right"

Why wait until the middle of a cold, dark night?

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day

And we know the night is always gonna be here anyway

Thinking of you's working up my appetite

Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight

Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite

And the thought of lovin' you is getting so excitin'

Skyrockets in flight

Afternoon delight

Afternoon delight

- Whoo! - Hi.

Um, Holly here.

Yeah? So, I'm a little confused.

Isn't this a strange song for the-the Celibacy Club to sing?

But why? It's so wholesome.

It was written during the Bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks.

No, it's about sneaking out for a nooner.

Yes. Exactly. A nooner's when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right?

Right, Carl? But regardless,

it was a great job, guys. Great number.

It was fantastic.

Hey, Glee Club, let's go.

Miss Holliday? Excuse me a second. Miss Holliday?

You're still the, uh... You're still the acting sex ed teacher, right?

You know it, brother.

You don't happen to have any office hours, do you?

Sure. Afternoon Delight is a dessert.

It's made with coconut and pineapple and marshmallow fluff.

I think Emma and I need an appointment.

- What are those? - Those are some pamphlets...

that I picked up from the free clinic.

I thought it might help the process along,

because it is time you and I had "the talk."

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

You told me to educate myself. La, la, la

Hey, you think this is easy for me? La, la, la, la

Okay, believe me, I want to do this even less than you do.

This is gonna suck for both of us,

but we're gonna get through it together,

and we will both be better men because of it.

Now, first, most of the, um,

mechanics of what you're gonna be doing...

is covered in the pamphlets.

Okay, so, I want you to read them,

and then I want you to come talk to me about it.

Deal?

Okay.

All right. Now... Hey, sit down.

We're just getting started. All right.

You know, for most guys, sex is just, you know... It's this thing we always want to do.

You know, it's fun, it feels great,

but we're not really thinking too much about, you know,

how it makes us feel on the inside,

or, you know, how the other person feels about it.

Women are different?

Only because they get that it's about something more...

than just the physical.

You know, when-when you're intimate with somebody in that way,

you're exposing yourself.

You know, you're never going to be more vulnerable,

and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys.

Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got...

who have gotten in way too deep...

with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.

But that's not gonna happen to me, Dad.

No. It's gonna be worse, okay? Because it's two guys.

With two guys, you got two people who think that sex is just sex.

It's gonna be easier to come by,

and once you start doing this stuff, you're not gonna want to stop.

You got to know that it means something.

You know, it's doing something to you,

to your heart, to your self-esteem,

even though it feels like you're just having fun.

So you're saying I shouldn't have sex.

I think on your 30th birthday, it is a great gift to yourself.

Kurt, when you're ready,

I want you to be able to...

do everything.

But when you're ready, I want you to...

use it as a way to connect to another person.

Don't throw yourself around like you don't matter.

'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Is that it?

That's it. For now.

Can I make you some toast?

I think I'll take it up to my room to eat...

while I look over my new pamphlets.

Thank you, Dad.

You're welcome.

- I hear you guys are having some problems. - I wouldn't call them problems.

No, we are. We really, really are. We're having problems.

When is the last time that you...

- Never. - I beg your pardon?

We've been married four months, and we still haven't done the deed.

Girlfriend, what is up with that?

He's hot! You're 30.

I haven't felt comfortable.

So... Well, what is it that you do?

Um, okay. So we cuddle a lot.

A lot. A lot.

We cuddle too much. We're cuddle monsters.

Okay. We-We watch the Housewives shows, which are so, so racy.

It's not like I haven't tried. I try.

I've made her romantic dinners, I give her roses,

and every time I try to touch her...

That happens.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Okay, look, I am not a doctor, okay?

I don't even like doctor TV shows...

unless it's one of those ones where people strap bombs to their chest.

Love those.

So, I would like to ask you a question,

and I want you to answer it very seriously.

Are you still in love with Will Schuester?

You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing,

but I was afraid to ask it.

Um... Are you?

I feel very confused about my feelings.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo, and I'll be at the Radisson.

Thank you, Doctor.

Not a doctor.

Could you please, please not tell Will about this?

No, of course not. Of course not.

Okay. My lips are sealed.

Thank you.

Just like your legs. Oh! Ha. Kidding!

God, that was rude.

Why did I say that?

See, a real doctor would never have said that.

Whew.

Hi.

- Hey. - Can we talk?

- But we never do that. - Yeah, I know.

But, um, I wanted to thank you...

for performing that song with me in Glee Club.

Yeah. 'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking.

And what I've realized...

is why I'm such a bitch all the time.

I'm a bitch because I'm angry.

I'm angry because I have all of these feelings...

feelings for you... that I'm afraid of dealing with...

because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences.

And, Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.

I understand that.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

No, not really.

I want to be with you.

But I'm afraid of the talks and the looks.

I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

But, honey, if anybody were...

to ever make fun of you,

you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Yeah, I know. But I'm so afraid...

of what everyone will say behind my back.

Still, I have to accept...

that I love you.

I love you, and I don't want to be with Sam...

or Finn or any of those other guys.

I just want you.

Please, say you love me back. Please.

Of course I love you. I do.

And I would totally be with you, if it weren't for Artie.

- Artie? - I love him too.

I don't want to hurt him. That's not right.

I can't break up with him. Yes, you can.

He's just a stupid boy.

But it wouldn't be right.

Santana, you have to know,

if Artie and I were to ever break up,

and I'm lucky enough that you're still single...

Don't.

I am so yours.

Proudly so.

Yeah, wow.

Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck?

I'm sorry.

- Don't. I'm sorry. - Get off me.

Nerd.

Whoa! Why you gotta hate?

You joined the Celibacy Club?

What the hell? I thought you and me were an item.

Lauren, stop.

I need to talk to you about something.

I realized something lately. I do a lot of stupid things.

Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack,

and I'm about 90% sure it's still in there.

I don't think about consequences.

And while I used to think that made me cool,

now I just think it makes me a loser.

I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you.

Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it's my favorite part of the day.

So I'm making a change. And if that makes me a nerd, fine.

I really do have the urge to punch you.

If we can play footsie in Celibacy Club, I'm in.

Nerd.

I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order.

- Where's Miss Pillsbury? - She decided to take the hour she was spending here...

to use it to fix her sham of a marriage.

In the interim, I'll be taking over.

Because you annoyingly take over everything?

Because I realize that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful,

one day we're gonna fall in love with someone,

and we're gonna choose to be intimate with them.

Speaking of being intimate, what's with the hickey, Quinn?

It's not a hickey.

Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freakin' connoisseur.

I can make them into shapes, like balloon animals.

I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.

The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub...

to keep you from getting burnt. No.

I was sure I was caught.

What was that?

Is that your mom?

She's at work. She won't be home for hours.

Divorce rules.

Come here.

Ooh. I'll be more careful with the hickey placement next time.

This is so awesome. We have two months until prom,

so we have plenty of time to campaign for prom king and queen.

But that's not all this is about though, right?

Look, I made a mistake with Puck.

You should have been my first.

This is where I belong.

With you.

Okay? Okay.

Hey, hot stuff.

Holly. Hey.

I'm just, uh, walking through some choreography.

Got regionals in a week, and I just want to make sure...

all the dances are what I like to call "Finn-proof."

Oh, well, I won't keep you.

I just, um... just came to say good-bye.

I'm going over to Shawnee Township to teach algebra.

Really?

Yeah.

There were some parent complaints.

Apparently, my cucumber demonstration...

made it impossible to watch Veggie Tales the same way ever again.

I personally thought it made watching that show hilarious.

Wow. I...

I really don't want to say good-bye.

Then maybe we shouldn't.

Teaching Santana and Brittany how to get their Stevie Nicks on...

made me realize how closed off I've been.

I'm getting older too.

Maybe I should try a relationship that lasts more than 36 hours.

You serious?

Plus, seeing another woman with the hots for you kinda made me jealous.

- Wait. What? - Oh, nothing.

I know a lot about sex, Will, but...

maybe it's time I learned a little something about romance.

Well, I don't know if you've heard...

But I happen to be an excellent educator.

English - US - PSDH