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y
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� OS FILMES DA MINHA VIDA �
COM�DIA - 1973
1
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SIMPLESMENTE...'GAROTAS'�(1973)
1
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,831
And since I am strongly of the opinion...
2
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...that we are already providing
more than enough entertainment for visitors,
3
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I wish to propose the motion
that the provision of more
4
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would be detrimental
to the good name of the borough.
5
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- Knickers.
- Please, Councillor!
6
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- Strike that from the minutes, Miss Drew.
- I beg your pardon, Your Worship?
7
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Don't take down "knickers".
8
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Chance would be a fine thing, wouldn't it, love?
9
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:39,473
Councillor Fiddler, I really must request you to
moderate your language when in committee.
10
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,312
I second that.
11
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,755
I do beg the committee's pardon, Your Worship.
12
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But all this bleeding codswallop about mucking
up the name of the borough gets on my wick.
13
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,674
- Should I...
- No, no.
14
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,716
Oh, gorblimey, why don't we face facts?
15
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:58,191
We don't attract visitors to this dump because
there's nothing for them to flipping do!
16
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:02,831
Of course, we are well aware that Mr Fiddler
would like to see more people
17
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in that so-called amusement arcade of his,
playing on those dreadful machines.
18
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You're dead right. Do you know how much
What the Butler Saw took last season?
19
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,954
�1.60... that works out
at about two pence a grope.
20
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,598
Please.
21
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,070
I really do feel that we are somewhat
straying from the point here.
22
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:25,439
That is the point! It's the only indoor amusement
we have, except snogging under the bandstand.
23
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I do feel, you know,
that Councillor Fiddler does have a point there,
24
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considering our very high
seasonal rainfall figure.
25
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,316
Oh, really, Mr Mayor?
26
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,960
Personally, I think it is quite an average one.
27
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If you think nine inches is an average one,
you've been spoilt.
28
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,588
Yes...
29
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,238
yes, yes.
30
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,595
Does anyone else have any useful suggestions?
31
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,274
- I have.
- What is that, Councillor?
32
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,069
- Miss Fircombe.
- I beg your pardon?
33
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,358
Miss Fircombe... a beauty queen! That's
what we want. All the best resorts have 'em.
34
00:03:57,440 --> 00:04:00,876
Mr Mayor, I think we have wasted
quite enough time here today,
35
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,428
and I propose that you close the meeting.
36
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,478
Please. Mrs Prodworthy, please.
37
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:10,792
I do feel that the proposal
merits some discussion.
38
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,472
Mr Mayor, you are well aware
of my views on women's rights.
39
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:21,634
And there can never be anything proper in
young women being shown off like cattle,
40
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,110
for the sexual gratification
of a lot of drooling men.
41
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,474
Bowls.
42
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,915
I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt?
43
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,878
A bowls competition. That's what we need.
44
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,555
Poor old Pratt! He really will have to go.
45
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,110
And so will I. We've heard quite enough rubbish
spoken here today.
46
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,078
Oh, but we still wish to hear yours,
Mrs Prodworthy.
47
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,353
Your views, I mean.
48
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,795
I think I have made myself perfectly clear.
49
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,633
And as far as I am concerned,
the matter is closed.
50
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,676
Good morning.
51
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,637
Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.
52
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,676
I'm afraid that's that, then.
53
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,672
We're still in committee.
I propose we put it to the vote.
54
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:05,356
- What? Without Mrs Prodworthy?
- We've still got a quorum.
55
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,396
Yes.
56
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,436
Yeah, all right, then.
57
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:14,672
All those in favour of the motion
to hold a beauty contest?
58
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,116
One only.
59
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,634
How about you?
You were all for it a moment ago.
60
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:22,869
Very well.
61
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,117
All those against?
62
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,875
Two also.
I'm afraid we still haven't a majority, Councillor.
63
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,916
Hang on just a minute.
64
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,151
Oi! You're all for it, ain't you?
65
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,993
Yes... any time.
66
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,389
Carried.
67
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,710
- Morning, madam.
- Good morning, William.
68
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,395
Mrs Dukes.
69
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,596
- Let me give you a hand, Mrs Dukes.
- Thank you, William.
70
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,636
It's been a...
71
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,593
Go. One, two, three.
72
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,755
Thank you, William. Are you all right now?
73
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,400
Yes, thank you. It were just a touch of... eugh.
74
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,153
I generally get it at this time of the... whay!
75
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,390
Yes, it's the sea air.
76
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,596
Yes.
77
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,592
Hello, Mrs Dukes.
I thought you were going to the cinema.
78
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:25,310
I did, but I had to leave. A young man sat next to
me and started to make improper suggestions.
79
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:29,871
- Again? You should complain to the manager.
- I can't. He's after me too, you see.
80
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:33,839
Well, perhaps you shouldn't
make yourself look quite so attractive.
81
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,195
I can't help it. I give out waves, you know.
82
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,875
- Really?
- Yes, my late husband used to call it "oomph!"
83
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,070
William... have you seen Mr Fiddler?
84
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,390
Yes... not a bad photo, considering.
85
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,199
No, I don't mean this. I mean, has he been in?
86
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,157
Ah.
87
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,196
Yes, it was last Tuesday.
88
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,271
Has he been in today?
89
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:01,793
Today?
90
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,836
Now, let me see...
91
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,993
Never mind, William. If you do see him,
could you tell him I'd like to see him right away?
92
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,593
Yes.
93
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,910
What shall I tell him if I don't see him?
94
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,991
Nothing, William. Nothing.
95
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,514
Yes, I'll try and remember that, Mrs Philpotts.
96
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,150
- Is the Admiral all right?
- Yes, I think so.
97
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,278
He's quite old, you know.
He's not as fit as some of us.
98
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,715
Whay-ahh!
99
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,156
We don't need your recommendation, thank you.
100
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,071
Go on, hop it!
101
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,315
Blimey, it's all happening here.
102
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,197
(Bell rings and William bumps head)
103
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,999
(As boxer) I'll get him. I am the greatest.
104
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,833
I beg your pardon.
I thought I was back in the game then.
105
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:09,118
Willy, I want a nice double room,
with hot and cold running chambermaids.
106
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,156
Yes, sir.
107
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,277
'Ere, does that mean
you and Mrs Philpotts are going to do it?
108
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,477
- Don't be filthy.
- I didn't mean that. I mean get hitched.
109
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,915
No, I wouldn't say that. We're just good friends.
110
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,039
Oh. Well, I wouldn't bank on that for the minute
if I were you, Mr Fiddler.
111
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,599
Oh. It's like that, is it?
112
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,035
Yes. Oh... I'm glad you reminded me.
113
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,076
Mrs Philpotts said to tell you...
114
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,435
Now, I must get this right.
115
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,476
Take your time. I've got all night.
116
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,596
No, that wasn't it... Yes, it was! No.
117
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,195
No, it wasn't.
Dearie me! It's on the tip of my tongue.
118
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,589
- Your finger.
- My finger, yes.
119
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:44,636
No, that wasn't it.
120
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,951
While you're thinking,
get that number for me, will you?
121
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,996
I'll remember it, don't you worry.
122
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,640
I'll get this number for you while I'm waiting.
123
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,516
Hoyah-mm!
124
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,556
Get off! Hoya... shoom!
125
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,156
All right, I'll do it myself.
126
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,073
- Gorblimey!
- I'm only doing my best, that's all.
127
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,720
Give me that thing! What's the matter with you?
128
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,234
Give me the book. Thank you.
129
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,595
01-754-3230.
130
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,636
(Phone rings)
131
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,030
Potter Publicity Bureau.
To whom do you wish to speak?
132
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,680
Hello, Paula. Sid here, Sid Fiddler.
How are you?
133
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,797
- Oh, very well, thank you.
- You haven't changed. Is Peter there?
134
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:30,429
It's that terrible man Sidney Fiddler.
You don't want to talk to him, do you?
135
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,670
- I'd better.
- You know what he's like.
136
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,799
- He may have something for me.
- If it's like the last time, you'll need bailing out.
137
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,872
I can handle him. Hello, Sid?
138
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,235
- Hello, Pete. How's business?
- Great, great.
139
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,118
I've got a job here
you'd love to get your teeth into.
140
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,351
- What is it? He's got a job for me!
- I can imagine.
141
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,750
I want you to do the publicity
for a beauty contest here in Fircombe.
142
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,229
A beauty contest... What, you mean girls?
143
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,992
I don't mean budgerigars.
144
00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:00,676
Oh, I don't know. I don't think Paula would
like me getting mixed up with a lot of girls.
145
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,069
- Why not?
- Well, we're engaged.
146
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,196
And you know how jealous Paula can be.
147
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:09,114
Just think of all those lovely 38s and 40s
bobbling up and down.
148
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,156
I am. Phwoar!
149
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:16,679
Sounds an interesting assignment, Sid,
putting Fircombe on the map.
150
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,911
Writing about local trade figures
and that sort of thing.
151
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,629
- Oh, she's come back into the office, has she?
- What's the job worth?
152
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,599
�100, in round figures.
And there'll be plenty of those, I promise you.
153
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,318
�100?
154
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,234
- It could be more. I'm on the council.
- I think I'd better come down, Sid.
155
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,471
That's my boy.
Don't take any of that old guff from Paula.
156
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:41,190
If she doesn't like it, tell her she can lump it.
That's how to deal with women, treat 'em rough.
157
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,717
Hello, sweetheart. I didn't see you.
158
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,314
Obviously. I'd like to see you, Sidney...
159
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,356
right away.
160
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,596
Ah, that's it.
161
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,955
Mrs Philpotts wants to see you right away.
162
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,316
- Thank you, Willy.
- I knew I'd get it.
163
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,960
And how's my favourite little hotel keeper today?
164
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,598
Hungry... very hungry.
165
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,353
- So would I be if I had to eat here.
- But I haven't eaten.
166
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,671
- Are you on a diet again?
- No, you had asked me out to lunch.
167
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,716
Oh. Blimey, so I did. I'm sorry, love.
168
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,872
I've had a very busy day.
I've been in it right up to here.
169
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,916
So I see.
170
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,956
That's it. Great idea, isn't it?
171
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,996
Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.
172
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,036
No, I did it mainly for you, darling.
173
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,394
For me? Oh, really?
174
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:31,109
You've got a hotel. Just think of all the people
this will bring into town.
175
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,556
You'll be packed out.
And the beauty contestants will stay here.
176
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,952
Of course, I hadn't thought of that.
Now, that was very clever of you, Sidney.
177
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,270
You know me, love. Anything for you.
178
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,713
Anything but marriage.
179
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,634
As I was saying, you'll have at least a dozen
beauty queens staying here for a start.
180
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,679
- At the usual rate?
- You can't charge the contestants, can you?
181
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,239
Why not?
182
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,356
Well, they're the bait, aren't they?
183
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:59,070
When people hear about these dolly birds
staying here, they'll queue up for your rooms!
184
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:05,076
I don't doubt that. But I won't have anything
going on here that might upset my regulars.
185
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:09,551
Don't worry. I've fixed that. There will be
a full-time chaperone here day and night.
186
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,596
Well, that is better.
187
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,238
Who?
188
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,278
It wasn't easy, but we got it down
to a short list of possibles.
189
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,670
We had to find people
that would not take advantage of the situation.
190
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,513
Somebody honest and dependable
with strict morals.
191
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,556
- And?
- They talked me into it.
192
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,598
I knew it. Chaperone?!
You and a bunch of beauty queens?
193
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,752
It's like asking Dracula
to be in charge of a blood bank!
194
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,196
Darling, that's not true.
You know I don't go for beautiful women.
195
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,236
- I like you.
- That does it. Get out!
196
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,676
- All right, I'm going!
- You lecherous so-and-so! Get out!
197
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,673
Really, Mother!
I don't see why I have to come too.
198
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,399
You haven't come to
since the day you were born.
199
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,438
Look.
200
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,080
You were there
when he gave out this statement.
201
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,038
You even took this photograph
of the revolting man.
202
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,873
I want you here as a witness
to what the Mayor says.
203
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,916
She's still under way, sir.
204
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,956
She's not heaving to, sir.
205
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,112
Very well, Mr Christian,
fire a shot across her bows.
206
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,077
Aye aye, sir.
207
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,116
Oh, come along, answer the door.
208
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,316
(Bell rings)
- All right, I'm coming.
209
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,638
Sorry if I kept you waiting.
I was in the lav, you see.
210
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,757
Mrs Bumble,
I wish to speak to your husband immediately.
211
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,796
You'd better come in, then.
212
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,909
I've only got to go to the lav
and someone starts knocking at the door.
213
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,956
It's almost as if they knew.
214
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,315
Mind you, I must admit, I do go rather a lot.
215
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,756
Well, I'm not here to take a census
on toilet habits, Mrs Bumble.
216
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,796
Please take me to your husband.
217
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,155
I couldn't disturb him now, dear. He's upstairs.
218
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,196
Well, I damn well can!
219
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,236
Very well, Mr Christian.
220
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:04,073
Stand by to ram and board her.
221
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,913
You've seen this, I presume?
222
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,956
Yes, but...
223
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,952
you have no right to be in here, Mrs Prodworthy!
224
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,270
Never mind that. Do you mean to tell me that,
225
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,955
in my absence, the committee
actually approved this disgusting idea?
226
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:23,034
Mrs Prodworthy, I hardly think that this is
the time or the place to discuss matters.
227
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,873
Poppycock!
I've seen men naked before, you know.
228
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,996
Damn it, I've buried three husbands.
229
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,638
I'm not surprised to hear it!
230
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,676
Excuse us, sir.
231
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,228
- Come along, Mother, please.
- Now, you shut up!
232
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,153
I want a straight answer.
Was it or was it not approved?
233
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,596
Mrs Prodworthy,
I refuse to discuss this with you in my bath!
234
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,716
I am not in your bath, thank goodness.
235
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,836
- Was it or wasn't it?
- Yes, it was, but...
236
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,390
Then I must warn you
that I mean to fight it to the bitter end.
237
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,436
Mrs Prodworthy.
238
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,590
I have a civic duty to support any project...
239
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:56,559
Oh, fiddlesticks! You are a weak-kneed ass.
240
00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,918
And as far as I can see, you are as poorly
equipped to carry out your civic duties
241
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,956
as your domestic ones.
242
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,596
That's what the job's all about.
243
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,319
I still don't see why you have to stay down there.
244
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,550
They need some on-the-spot publicity now.
245
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,200
I've done all I can at this end.
Surely you understand?
246
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,829
No. Stop being so secretive and tell me
what the job's really about.
247
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,673
- It's a publicity campaign.
- To publicise what?
248
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,230
Fircombe.
They're having a sort of competition to go with it.
249
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:27,912
Like spot the boobs?
250
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,797
What? What made you say that?
251
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,509
Well, like the one spotting the deliberate
mistakes on cornflake packets.
252
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,388
Well, not quite like that.
It's to encourage people to come to Fircombe.
253
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,311
You haven't exactly encouraged me to.
254
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,914
I couldn't trust myself
to ask you to come with me.
255
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,959
- I'd burst in and try to make love to you.
- You know I wouldn't let that happen.
256
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,793
Exactly, that's why I didn't...
didn't want the temptation.
257
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,758
Anyway, I'd lose my job,
and then I couldn't afford to marry you.
258
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,593
Excuse me, are you going to Fircombe?
259
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,035
This train's going there, yes.
260
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,712
Good.
261
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,756
- Do you know that girl?
- No.
262
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,876
Funny, she's going to Fircombe too.
263
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,872
- A lot of people must live there.
- Are we all right for Fircombe?
264
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,713
- I'm sure you are!
- Thanks.
265
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,349
I'm beginning to understand
why you don't want me down there.
266
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:16,718
Don't be ridiculous, darling.
You're the only girl in my life, you know that.
267
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:22,033
- Is this the train for the beauty contest?
- Yes, that's right.
268
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,554
- Oh, good. Are you coming?
- Certainly not!
269
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,915
Perhaps you're right. Are you in this one?
270
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,069
That's right, I am.
271
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,310
Oh, I'll join you, then.
272
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,593
- You didn't say anything about a beauty contest!
- I think I'd better go.
273
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,636
Excuse me.
274
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,150
Well, goodbye, darling.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
275
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,235
(Fabric rips)
- Oh! Oh!
276
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,240
Why didn't you wait until we were in the tunnel?
277
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,276
I thought I was. Sorry.
278
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,596
Sorry, darling.
279
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,636
Kiss?
280
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,876
I'll take bust any time!
281
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,916
Bust! Any time!
282
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:20,313
I saw them soaking in the bathroom last night,
and in the morning they were gone.
283
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:24,359
Mrs Dukes, I cannot believe that one of these
young ladies would take your knickers.
284
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,910
(Grunts)
285
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,759
I'll make enquiries, of course.
What were they like?
286
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,796
Red flannelette... reinforced.
287
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,030
Yes, I see. Well, I'm sure they must turn up.
288
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,954
- They can't. They've got elastic at the bottom.
- How chic.
289
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:05,632
Well, I'm sure they'll be fine.
290
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:10,669
I certainly hope so, because I don't feel at all
safe walking about this town without any.
291
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,399
- Perhaps I can help, Mrs Dukes.
- Oh, Admiral!
292
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,517
Come outside, ma'am.
I've got something to show you.
293
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,789
- What do you mean? Where?
- All will be revealed, madam.
294
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,075
Across the promenade there. Look!
295
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,990
I've got to check all your measurements.
296
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:36,038
- I've never had it before.
- The experience will do you good.
297
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,475
- Sidney, I'd like a word.
- Yes, love, what is it?
298
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,473
- It's about these complaints.
- I'm not complaining. Everything's going fine.
299
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:43,959
Yes, I can see that.
300
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:48,795
- Run along, we'll finish off later.
- Finish what? You measured everything I have!
301
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,836
Off you go.
302
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,876
She's always kidding, that one.
303
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,236
- What's the trouble?
- I'm worried about my permanent residents.
304
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,313
All this running about, in and out of
each other's bedrooms... it's not good enough.
305
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,356
At their age they ought to know better.
306
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,396
It's your girls I mean!
307
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,392
I've heard them... all night long, doors banging.
308
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,870
With a bunch of young dollies,
you've got to expect a bit of banging.
309
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,270
I expect you to get them all into bed
at a reasonable hour.
310
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,351
I promise you I'll do my very best.
311
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,352
Mr Fiddler, what about these photos?
I haven't got all day.
312
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,396
Excuse me, love. Business.
313
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,516
I'm waiting for my publicity man to turn up.
314
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,034
I'm covering the Mayor's opening this afternoon.
315
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:31,033
- You do get some unpleasant jobs!
- He's opening a municipal building at four.
316
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,638
Thank you.
317
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,676
Thank you, ladies and...
318
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,352
(Laughter)
319
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,238
And what about the ladies, may I ask?
320
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,276
What was that?
321
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:51,674
Why is there provision only for gentlemen in this
monument to natural and universal functions?
322
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,797
- Hear, hear!
- Because it was specifically designed
323
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,589
for use by the male sex
as approved in council last September.
324
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,399
I see. So the ladies must wait, is that it?
325
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:06,110
Mrs Prodworthy... I do feel
that the place for protest is in the chamber.
326
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,714
I did protest in the chamber, Mr Mayor,
327
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,916
and most strongly.
328
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,357
I still insist on knowing why this place
could not have been for the use of both sexes.
329
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,396
Because it's for men!
330
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,914
We can't have them all using the same one.
331
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:24,198
Perhaps the Mayor would care to explain
why we can't all use the same one?
332
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,236
Yes, well...
333
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,550
- Why can't we all use...
- (Whispers)
334
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,596
Ah, yes!
335
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,353
Because the fittings are different, for one thing!
336
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,113
We all have only one thing, Mr Mayor.
337
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,156
(Laughter)
338
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,879
Mrs Prodworthy, you are deliberately misun...
339
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,235
misunderstanding me.
340
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,676
- What I am trying to say...
- I know what you are trying to say.
341
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,639
You are trying to say... that women are inferior.
342
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:52,994
Hear, hear.
343
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:58,154
I put it to you that this is one more example
of this council's policy
344
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,073
to deliberately demean
and debase womanhood.
345
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,116
Hear, hear!
346
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:08,115
A policy which was brought to a head recently
when, in my absence,
347
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,239
they passed this disgraceful resolution
to hold a beauty contest here.
348
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,276
Hear, hear!
349
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,316
I want every male here to know
350
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:20,837
that the women of Fircombe
are determined to stop this degrading spectacle.
351
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,350
Until it is called off, we will squat...
352
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:29,473
in this erection to man's so-called superiority.
353
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,199
- Hear, hear!
- Mrs Prodworthy, please!
354
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,999
Forward, liberators of Fircombe!
355
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,672
Forward!
356
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,716
Please, please!
357
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,070
SID: Come on, girls.
358
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,116
Get changed for photos. Back in 15 minutes.
359
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,516
What do you want us to wear?
360
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,433
Anything that will bring out your best... points,
Miss?
361
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,873
Downs. Ida Downs.
362
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,757
I bet you come from Beds.
363
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,752
- No, Bristol.
- I should have guessed.
364
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,434
I've got a rather smashing two-piece swimsuit.
365
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,433
- Great, just wear one piece of that.
- Will they publish pictures like that?
366
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,034
- Not in my paper.
- All right, I was only joking.
367
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,076
You go and get 'em both on.
368
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,116
Go on, get your gear ready.
369
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,236
- How's it going, love?
- Wonderful.
370
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:20,393
Since all this started, I've let ten rooms...
all for you... for nothing.
371
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,119
Wait till old Pete gets that publicity really rolling.
372
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,156
The contest is in ten days.
373
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,596
- You've still got your permanent residents.
- If I've got any left!
374
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,638
Ooh! You're a dirty old man!
375
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,676
Er... Mrs Philpotts!
376
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,513
I wish to complain.
This young woman molested me.
377
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,434
- Well, I like that!
- Whether you like it or not, dear, is immaterial.
378
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,751
- He pinched my...
- Don't worry about it. I'll sort it out.
379
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,676
Cheeky little thing!
I'd like to put her across my knee.
380
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,275
- I'm sure you would, Admiral.
- Yes, by Jove... What?
381
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,510
Mrs Philpotts, are you suggesting...
382
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,875
Damn it, for two pins, I'd move out of here!
383
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,315
Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you?
384
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,755
Yes. Have you got any rooms, please?
385
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,229
Certainly, sir. Our terms are �7 a day
386
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,276
or �40 a week all in.
387
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,709
Mr Fiddler said it had all been arranged.
388
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,075
You see, we're in the beauty contest.
389
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,878
Yes. So I see.
390
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:21,159
Oh, well... (Chuckles) in that case,
take your pick. Take the lot. Go on.
391
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:25,631
Be my guest, room with a view and all that
sort of thing. Righto, have a good time!
392
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,474
Pete, we're waiting. The photographer's here.
Where the hell have you been?
393
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,233
Sorry, the train was late.
Some trouble on the line.
394
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,550
Trouble? With these two? You're joking.
395
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:38,076
- This is Miss Bangor.
- Really? How do you do?
396
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,435
And this is Miss Brakes... Dawn Brakes.
397
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,511
Dawn, my favourite time for getting up.
398
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,479
- I was Miss Dairy Queen, you know.
- You still are in my book, darling.
399
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,516
Sid, are there any rooms for us?
400
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,797
The woman behind the desk went all peculiar
and threw these at us.
401
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:55,873
She's overwhelmed. They haven't done
this kind of business since Mafeking.
402
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,916
Photo call in ten minutes.
403
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,918
Gorblimey, not again!
404
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,356
William!
405
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,079
I want you to come over the promenade with me.
406
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,149
Yes...
407
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,673
Why?
408
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,398
I want you to take my knickers down.
409
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,277
Pardon?!
410
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,079
Well, they're on the pole over there.
411
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,116
Oh, I see.
412
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,352
Well, you'd better take my arm,
because it can be a bit tricky crossing this road.
413
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,919
Right.
414
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,831
(Motorbike approaches)
415
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:39,876
(Horn beeps)
416
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,839
- It's already been done.- Well, what hasn't?
417
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,070
- Excuse me!
- Not now, sonny, I'm busy.
418
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,913
Sonny?! You want your eyes tested.
419
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,677
I thought they always built the shock absorbers
into the bikes.
420
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,034
Saucy!
421
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:26,238
- Are you the bloke in charge?
- That's right. Fiddler's the name.
422
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,199
- I'm Hope Springs.
- Hope Springs? I don't believe it!
423
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:35,195
True... Well, actually, my real name's Muriel
Bloggs. But it was hardly right for this game.
424
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,999
- What game?
- Beauty contests, of course!
425
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,516
- Don't tell me you're a competitor?
- Of course I am!
426
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,556
See?
427
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,596
Miss Easy Rider.
428
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,399
- I beat 14 other girls for that.
- Doing what?
429
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,199
I was at an advantage.
We had to do it on a motorbike.
430
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:55,671
- I'd have thought that was a handicap.
- No, I mean I've been riding a bike for years.
431
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,958
Good for you. But this is
a straight beauty contest. No kinky stuff.
432
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,110
You feel I'm not right for it, don't you?
433
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,668
No, I just don't want you to waste your time,
that's all.
434
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,716
Oh, I won't, don't you worry.
435
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:10,475
- I look a lot different in a bikini.
- So does he, but he's not entering.
436
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,870
Just wait and see. You're in for a big surprise.
437
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,520
- Have you got a room I can change in?
- Use mine.
438
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,558
- You won't come in?
- Not until you're halfway through.
439
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,831
Maybe I'd better have a room of my own.
440
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,993
Perhaps you're right. Come on.
441
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,519
Connie, have you got a room
for this young lady?
442
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,556
Of course, Sidney.
443
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,676
I think you'll find that an ideal one.
444
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,716
Thank you, Connie.
445
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,756
Just a minute. It's for the broom cupboard.
446
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,070
Right... where we keep all the scrubbers.
447
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,116
- How!
- All right, keep your hat on.
448
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,634
Go and change in mine. I'll sort it out later.
449
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,553
Ta. I heard that.
Does she fancy you or something?
450
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,474
You know how it is. A widow with a place
like this, things get on top of her.
451
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,313
Yeah, I bet they do... frequently.
452
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,356
Go on, get changed.
453
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,396
Ta. See you.
454
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,916
Ahem! Excuse me.
455
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,956
Mind if I join you?
456
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,315
Help yourself. It's big enough, isn't it?
457
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,356
By Jove, yes.
458
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,876
I won't ask how far you want to go.
I might get the wrong answer.
459
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,916
Only to the bottom, my dear.
460
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,038
Oh... so you want to play, do you?
461
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,076
Come on, then.
462
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,116
Argh, get off!
463
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,156
No, no!
464
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,637
(Hope cackles) Come on, lover.
I've only just started.
465
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:04,511
- That will teach the old buzzard.
- What did you do to him?
466
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,556
I think I tickled his fancy.
467
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,596
Well, do I pass now?
468
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,830
With honours, in at least two subjects.
469
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,354
Saucy! Let's hope the judges think like you.
470
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,476
If they do, they'll all get locked up.
471
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,994
Promises, promises.
Am I too late for the pictures?
472
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,355
- No, go to the others over there.
- Ta.
473
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,228
- That's the lot, is it?
- Er... no. There's still Miss Brakes to come.
474
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,915
- Oh, no, not Dawn! Is she here?
- That's right. Do you know her?
475
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,150
Do I? I'm not saying anything against her,
476
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:34,676
but if this was a dog contest,
none of us would stand a chance.
477
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:36,955
If it was a cat show you'd do all right, though.
478
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,996
I like the girl, honest.
479
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,469
It's not her fault she has to wear a falsie.
480
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,632
- What do you mean a falsie?
- She has one bigger than the other.
481
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,075
- Is that right?
- No, left.
482
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,276
But you're crazy about her?
483
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,396
Oh, I wouldn't say a word against her!
484
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,436
Like in the last contest we were in.
485
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:57,957
We were sharing this dressing room together,
and I had this fabulous silver bikini.
486
00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:59,996
And I just popped out for a while.
487
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,071
It could quite easily happen in that outfit.
488
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,435
I'm not saying she nicked it, mind, but...
489
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:06,351
(Donkey bellows)
490
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:09,876
Push, push!
491
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:11,154
PETER: Keep him coming.
492
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,913
Good boy. That's a...
Keep him quiet. Push!
493
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:15,353
Aagh!
494
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:18,310
- What's that?
- All right. It's only a donkey.
495
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,073
I know it's a donkey!
What's it doing in my lounge?
496
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,116
That's a good question.
497
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,350
What the hell do you think you're doing?
498
00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:29,510
- Sid, meet Cleopatra.
- How do you...
499
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,558
- Have you gone out of your mind?
- No, it's for the photos.
500
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,596
Beauty and the beast. Get it?
501
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,989
Beauty and the beast! What a great idea!
502
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:40,640
Come over here. Come on.
503
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:44,793
- I am not having it here. Take it out.
- Be reasonable. It's only for a few minutes.
504
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,952
- Reasonable?! I don't even allow dogs in here.
- It's not a dog.
505
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,634
I know it's not,
but these carpets are very expensive.
506
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:51,675
(Splat)
507
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,035
I'm afraid it's too late.
508
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,078
- Don't just stand there, get a shovel!
- Yes.
509
00:29:57,160 --> 00:29:59,754
It'll be very good for the potted palms.
510
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:02,035
Get it out of here, Sidney. Get it out!
511
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,348
Right.
512
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:05,396
We'll get a couple of quick shots first.
513
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:11,391
This is what we'll do. We'll get one of the girls
to sit on the donkey... What's wrong with you?
514
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:12,799
Oh, gosh.
515
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,955
- Are you ready for me now?
- More than ready, darling.
516
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,190
I want you to come and sit on this donkey.
517
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,431
All right. Are you sure it's safe?
He doesn't look too happy.
518
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,715
He should be. He just got a big load off his mind.
519
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,358
If you say so.
520
00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:28,634
SID: Wait.
521
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,757
Don't just stand there.
Come and give her a bunk up.
522
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,593
- What?
- A bunk up! Come on.
523
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:36,671
Oh, I see... right.
524
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,716
Ready?
525
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,190
There we are. All right, girls.
Come on, let's have you.
526
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,236
Round the donkey, please. Come on.
527
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,276
That's it.
528
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,116
All right?
529
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:53,679
All right, Larry, we're ready.
530
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,035
Just a minute, I've still got my robe on.
531
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,270
Hang on.
532
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,316
I knew it!
533
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,994
You thieving bitch!
534
00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:07,117
- What's going on here?
- That's my bikini she's got on.
535
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,760
Really, I don't know what she's talking about.
536
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,798
- Just a minute.
- She nicked it from my dressing room last year.
537
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,269
Darling,
I wouldn't be seen dead in your old rags.
538
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,749
You'll be seen dead if you don't give it back!
539
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:19,796
That's quite enough.
540
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,836
You stay out of this!
541
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,150
You rotten cow!
542
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:56,189
No!
543
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:08,797
Hope, come on!
544
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,154
Get it off!
545
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,236
Stop it, somebody!
546
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:27,880
Break it up! Come on.
547
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:36,396
Is Councillor Fiddler here?
548
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,313
- Just about.
- What?
549
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,638
What is going on?
550
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,517
Ladies, please!
551
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,192
(Commotion)
552
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,236
(Splat)
553
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:05,115
Come on! You've done enough damage as it is.
554
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:07,156
Come on, leave my potted plants alone.
555
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:11,199
William, come on with the shovel.
Quick, before there's any more damage!
556
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:37,796
(Clock chimes)
557
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:58,996
Mildred!
558
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,036
Ya-aagh!
559
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:05,716
Mil...
560
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:09,716
Mildred!
561
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:14,836
(Radio blares)
562
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,716
You're up, then.
563
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,916
Of course I am! Didn't you hear me calling?
564
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,956
No, I had the radio on.
565
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:26,996
I know you had it on.
566
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:29,036
I can't remember when you had it off.
567
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,031
Neither can I.
568
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:33,953
Are you aware that it is now five past nine?
569
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,996
Am I missing something, then?
570
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:39,277
My tea. I ordered it for eight-thirty.
571
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:42,272
Better late than never, I always say.
572
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,356
Here you are, then.
573
00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:00,396
Thank you very much.
574
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,436
- Enough sugar?
- Quite.
575
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,397
And cigarette ash.
576
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,994
Isn't it time you started thinking
of getting dressed?
577
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:11,752
What for?
578
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:15,674
Have you forgotten
what I kept on telling you last night?
579
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,557
To stop snoring?
580
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,599
At ten o'clock, we have an official visit
to the maternity hospital.
581
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,796
Do I have to go?
582
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:27,950
Of course you do. They're expecting you.
583
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,713
I don't really feel up to it, Frederick.
584
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,429
You've got to.
You are the Mayor's wife, God help him!
585
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,158
You have a duty to do.
586
00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:41,189
And that doesn't mean sitting around here
all day like an old compost heap.
587
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,430
Yes, Frederick.
588
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:49,839
You should take pride in being the wife
of Fircombe's leading citizen.
589
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:56,233
And what, may I ask, is so amusing?
590
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:58,675
- You.
- What do you mean?
591
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,352
Here you are.
592
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,233
- Is that you, Rosemary?
- Yes.
593
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,711
Have you seen this?
594
00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:30,756
Yes. Bloody disgrace!
595
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:32,956
Still, what can you expect from a man?
596
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:34,996
My boy Lawrence took it, you know.
597
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,914
- It's done him quite a bit of good. And us.
- Us? Why?
598
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:42,356
The more old Bumble lays himself open
to ridicule like this,
599
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:45,716
the better our chances
of having a lady mayor next time.
600
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:49,076
Gosh, yes!
That would hit 'em where it hurts, wouldn't it?
601
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:54,871
Oh, please, Rosemary. I don't like any reference
to that area of their so-called superiority.
602
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,997
By golly, you'd make a spiffing mayor, Augusta.
603
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,516
We've got to keep up the pressure
against this damn beauty contest.
604
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:03,591
I agree. What's the next step?
605
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:09,038
I've been wondering. Have you any pull
with anyone at the maternity hospital?
606
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,076
Good Lord, no.
607
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,116
It's hardly my scene, is it?
608
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,875
Only the Mayor is opening
a new nursery there today.
609
00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:19,520
I thought we might arrange a little...
610
00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,556
surprise for him.
611
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,596
(William sings to himself)
612
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:29,996
How do you do?
613
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,788
Mr Prodworthy, I'm so pleased you could come.
614
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,075
You didn't mind me calling you, did you?
615
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:42,870
- Not at all, Miss Brakes.
- I saw your photos in the paper. I'm impressed.
616
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:46,430
- I thought perhaps you could help me.
- Of course. Anything.
617
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:50,274
A magazine wants some pin-up photos,
and you'd be the person to take them.
618
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:54,194
- Thank you. Um... here, do you mean?
- No, on the beach.
619
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:57,397
Oh, fine.
Oh, but I advise plenty of warm clothing.
620
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:00,119
- I don't think the magazine would like that.
- Why not?
621
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,714
They only want nudes.
622
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:04,597
You have done nudes before?
623
00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:07,319
- Oh, yes.
- Shall we have a bash, then?
624
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:12,793
- Pardon? Oh, er... pictures. Now?
- Yes, they want them by the end of the week.
625
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:14,836
Yes, but naked...
626
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,798
on the beach, in broad daylight, in Fircombe?
627
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,836
I'm sure we'll find a deserted spot.
628
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:21,876
Come on.
629
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:34,669
Oh!
630
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:36,557
I beg your pardon?
631
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,638
Of all the filthy rotten beasts!
632
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,110
Disgusting! You're a sex maniac!
633
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,760
I didn't... Honestly, I didn't do a thing!
634
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:50,071
Say goodbye to Mrs Philpotts for me,
there's a good fellow.
635
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:51,354
Ohh!
636
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:03,633
That's about the fourth that's left this morning.
637
00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:06,359
You don't have to tell me. Where's Mr Fiddler?
638
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:09,989
He's still up in his room.
He just sent down for some more coffee.
639
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:12,036
I'll give him coffee!
640
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:14,111
Good. It'll save me a trip.
641
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,276
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
642
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:23,959
- I'll have it here, please, on the bed.
- You won't, you know!
643
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,916
I'm sorry, I thought it was my coffee.
644
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:31,515
That's OK. Look, I came to apologise
for what happened yesterday.
645
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:36,151
Are you joking? Have you seen the publicity
we got out of it? Front page, every paper.
646
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:39,994
- Good. I was hoping it'd do the trick.
- What do you mean, you were hoping?
647
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,036
Well, the donkey wasn't a bad idea,
648
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:46,318
but there's nothing like a really good punch-up,
particularly amongst women.
649
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,630
You mean you started it deliberately?
650
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:52,910
You're a clever little devil, ain't you?
651
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:57,232
Well, I'm pretty sure it was my outfit she had on.
Of course, I could be wrong.
652
00:39:58,320 --> 00:40:00,276
We should get together.
653
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,954
With your brains and my beauty,
we could go places.
654
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,196
I don't think I could teach you much.
655
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:08,396
- You want a bet?
- I think I'd better be going.
656
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:10,436
Come here. What's the hurry?
657
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,954
You know what the others would say
about me being here.
658
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:14,871
"Why should she have all the luck?"
659
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:18,157
They'd say I was trying to work on you
to fix myself to win.
660
00:40:18,240 --> 00:40:22,233
They'd be dead wrong. Nothing in the world
you could do would influence me.
661
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:26,199
- Hop in here and I'll prove it.
- No, thanks. I'll take my chance with the rest.
662
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:31,070
Send the others in one at a time, and I'll prove it
to them all. Now you can't say fairer than that.
663
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,151
I really think you would, too!
664
00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:35,196
(Knock at door)
665
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,236
Leave it outside the door, please.
666
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,959
- Sidney, I want to talk to you.
- It's Connie.
667
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,395
- She mustn't catch you in here.
- Sidney?
668
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:44,436
Just a minute, love.
669
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:46,988
- Quick, get in the cupboard.
(Spring boings)
670
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,036
My dressing gown's got caught!
671
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:50,872
- Oh, no!
- Sidney!
672
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:52,439
All right, love! I'm not decent.
673
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:55,398
- It's caught in the spring.
- Do something, for God's sake!
674
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,198
But turn the other way.
675
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:05,716
- (Snorts and snarls)
- Sidney?
676
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:07,756
Coming!
677
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,276
Come in.
678
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:16,717
- Sorry to keep you waiting... just getting dressed.
- You didn't get very far.
679
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,758
- What's the matter? Something's upset you.
- Upset?
680
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:23,719
Four more of my regulars moved out today.
That's seven gone in two days.
681
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,553
We don't want to discuss it here.
Let's go down to the office.
682
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:29,996
In your pyjamas?
Charming, that should get rid of a few more.
683
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,435
I'll put on my dressing gown... No, I won't.
684
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:34,590
You go downstairs and I'll follow straight...
685
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:37,114
- What is it?
- That's what I'm wondering.
686
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,031
There's my dressing gown!
687
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:41,076
I'd wondered what happened to it.
688
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,116
Won't be long.
689
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,156
(Fabric rips)
690
00:41:45,240 --> 00:41:47,196
- It's shrunk.
- Where is she?
691
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,510
I don't know what you're talking about.
692
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,637
There isn't one.
I always go to the bathroom. Connie!
693
00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:54,950
- Connie, wait a minute!
- Oh... hello.
694
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,996
I thought as much.
695
00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:59,036
Connie... wait a minute.
696
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:01,076
Connie!
697
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,512
DAWN: Gosh, you're right, it is a bit nippy.
698
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,160
What do you keep looking round like that for?
699
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:11,198
LARRY:
I'm just worried somebody might come along.
700
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,953
So what?
I'm sure they've seen a naked girl before.
701
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:17,476
Well, I haven't! Well, not like this, anyway.
702
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:19,835
You're not embarrassed, are you?
703
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:21,876
You shouldn't be, you know.
704
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:25,236
As a photographer, you should
regard these things objectively.
705
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:27,959
Nobody could regard those things objectively.
706
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,190
Why, what's wrong with them?
707
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,236
Oh, nothing. They're, er...
708
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,636
Come on, let's get on with the photographs.
709
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:38,393
Oh, I've still got my panties on.
710
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:41,233
Oh, er... haven't you taken enough off?
711
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,231
Not for the magazine these photos are for.
712
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,116
LARRY: Oh, my God!
713
00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:55,437
OK, now, Larry?
714
00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:01,279
DAWN: Oh, help! Help! Get me out!
715
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,356
Help, help! Get me out!
716
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:10,396
(Toilet flushes)
717
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,436
It won't be long now.
718
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,478
- I'm used to this sort of thing.
- Quite all right, Your Worship.
719
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,308
- Here she is.
- Sorry to keep you all waiting.
720
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:24,029
- It's a weakness of mine, you know.
- That's all right, Lady Mayoress.
721
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:28,955
Frederick could tell you. I have to get up
four or five times during the night, don't I?
722
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:33,397
I'm sure the matron has no wish
to listen to our nocturnal habits, Mildred.
723
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:35,436
I didn't mean those sort of habits.
724
00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:37,795
We haven't done anything like that for...
725
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:39,996
Could we please get on with it, Matron?
726
00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:42,036
Yes, of course, Your Worship.
727
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:44,951
This is the new nursery.
728
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:49,516
As you can see, we've named it
the Frederick Bumble Nursery.
729
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:52,160
I am, of course, highly honoured,
730
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:57,075
but I would have thought that Mrs Prodworthy
here, as chairman of the hospital board...
731
00:43:57,160 --> 00:44:00,994
Thank you, Your Worship, but the committee
felt the honour should go to you.
732
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:04,915
The commemoration plaque is at the far end.
733
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:09,073
Now I must ask you all to be very quiet,
as the babies will all be asleep.
734
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,230
Of course. Bless their little hearts.
735
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:31,192
Just leave them. Leave it!
736
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,669
Just leave them there. Leave them!
737
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:50,710
(Whispers) Just pull the cord when you're ready,
Your Worship.
738
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:52,756
Yes, of course, Matron. Yes.
739
00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:54,796
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Shh!
740
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,036
(Softly) Ladies and gentlemen,
741
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:04,476
it is with the greatest pleasure...
742
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,915
nay, even with pride...
743
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,958
that I unveil this commemorative plaque
744
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:14,591
to mark the completion
of this splendid new nursery.
745
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:29,196
- Who is responsible for this?
- (Babies start crying)
746
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,430
Who was responsible for this?
747
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,476
I'll have them...
748
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:36,072
Who did this?
749
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:37,991
Shut up, you little devils!
750
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:39,877
Shut up!
751
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:41,916
Who was it?
752
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:45,470
I tell you, I've never been so humiliated.
753
00:45:45,560 --> 00:45:47,516
And it's all your fault!
754
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,670
You and this wretched beauty contest!
755
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,320
Come off it, Fred. It can't be all that serious.
756
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:54,356
I tell you, I was a laughing stock.
757
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:56,829
Even the babies were wetting themselves.
758
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:59,832
I wish we'd known.
We'd have had a photographer there.
759
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:03,799
You won't need any photos,
not with Augusta Prodworthy there.
760
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:06,836
It'll be all over the town by now.
761
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:09,878
I still think you're making a mountain
out of a molehill.
762
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:12,793
Now if you hadn't been wearing
your underpants...
763
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:14,836
It was ghastly enough, thank you.
764
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:17,036
If you don't believe me, ask her.
765
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:18,633
She'll tell you.
766
00:46:19,720 --> 00:46:21,517
Well, say something, woman!
767
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:23,989
Is there a ladies' handy?
768
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:25,798
Oh, shut up!
769
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:30,317
I warn you, Fiddler, I will not be involved
in any more of your publicity stunts.
770
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:32,356
No more!
771
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,715
Pity, because he's got a good one lined up.
772
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:38,429
- I do not care. Come along, Mildred.
- It would have done you a lot of good.
773
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:40,750
Put you in a heroic light for a change.
774
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:42,796
I don't wish to... know.
775
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:44,836
Oh?
776
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:46,876
How do you mean?
777
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:48,951
Heroic light?
778
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,112
You know Lovers' Walk,
where everybody goes for a snog?
779
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:56,558
Yes... what about it?
780
00:46:56,640 --> 00:47:02,510
This is it. One of our girls goes for a walk,
is attacked, has half her clothes torn off,
781
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:05,068
but is rescued in the nick of time by guess who?
782
00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:07,116
Me.
783
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:10,156
What would I be doing there?
784
00:47:10,240 --> 00:47:13,710
Well, you just happened to be there,
with your wife, of course.
785
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:16,273
What, me...
786
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,316
down Lovers' Walk with her?
787
00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:21,396
You must be raving mad!
788
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,516
He's got a point there, Pete. Tell you what.
789
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,670
We'll fix you up with one of our girls.
790
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:28,513
You are raving mad! Oh, let me get out of here.
791
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:31,956
Oh, it's you, Your Worship.
792
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:34,508
I didn't recognise you with your trousers on.
793
00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:37,556
Mildred! Let's get out of...
794
00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:39,596
Oh, dear. Did I say something wrong?
795
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:41,955
Not so as you'd notice.
Did you talk to Connie?
796
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:44,998
Yeah. I tried to explain to her
but she just wouldn't listen.
797
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:47,116
- Just like a woman.
- What do you expect?
798
00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:51,830
She finds you and Hope naked in your room and
you expect her to believe nothing happened?
799
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:54,354
I still don't believe it myself. I must be slipping.
800
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:59,468
Silly. I like to think a man can have a relationship
with a woman which isn't just based on sex.
801
00:47:59,560 --> 00:48:01,994
I fully agree. She should have money, as well.
802
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:04,036
(Phone rings)
- Hello?
803
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:06,076
Yes, just a minute.
804
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:09,436
It's a fellow from the television studios.
He wants to talk to you.
805
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:11,317
Councillor Fiddler speaking.
806
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:14,551
Are you the person
organising the beauty contest?
807
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:19,236
- That's right.
- Well, I'm... Cecil Gaybody.
808
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:22,596
- You don't say.
- I do Woman's Things every week day.
809
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:25,399
- Aren't you lucky!
- The magazine programme.
810
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,994
What did you have in mind, Mr Gayboy?
811
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:30,036
Gaybody.
812
00:48:30,120 --> 00:48:33,749
You know the kind of thing...
come down, interview some of the girls.
813
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:38,516
Oh, yes. And I think that's a great idea.
I should be very happy to lay it on for you.
814
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:41,797
- We could come down this evening.
- Six o'clock? Fine.
815
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:43,108
Byesy-wyesy.
816
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:45,156
Yes, and byesy-wyesy to you, too.
817
00:48:45,240 --> 00:48:47,196
We're in!
818
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:50,829
I'm telling you, we're in.
They want to do a television bit on it.
819
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:52,876
- Great!
- On what?
820
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:57,238
That's what we've got to sort out.
It's got to be something sensational.
821
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:58,389
Think.
822
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:02,109
You've had a lot of experience.
What we want is some big surprise.
823
00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:06,478
Nothing would surprise me in this game,
even if one of us turned out to be a man.
824
00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:08,516
That's it. That's it!
825
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,637
I love you! Didn't I tell you you were a genius?
826
00:49:11,720 --> 00:49:14,154
- Are you kidding?
- No, no. Can't you see it?
827
00:49:14,240 --> 00:49:17,198
There are the girls lined up,
being interviewed on the telly,
828
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:19,748
then one arrives looking absolutely fantastic.
829
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,796
Suddenly... pop!
830
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:25,111
- One flat tyre.
- Do you know, it could be kind of funny at that.
831
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:29,113
- It'd be money in the bank.
- Aren't you overlooking one small point?
832
00:49:29,200 --> 00:49:31,953
- None of our girls are men.
- How do you know?
833
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:35,112
- Don't be ridiculous, Sid.
- All right, we'll get a man to do it.
834
00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:37,919
I'm sure the Mayor
would be only too willing to oblige.
835
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,956
I don't know.
836
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:42,554
I don't think we'd have to look very far, do you?
837
00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:46,472
You know,
I think we might just about get away with it,
838
00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:49,199
- with a good wig and make-up.
- And flat heels.
839
00:49:49,280 --> 00:49:50,599
Oh, no.
840
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:54,434
- No, I'm not having that.
- Come on, Pete, what have you got to lose?
841
00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:57,034
Nothing much,
but I'm not losing it dressed as a woman.
842
00:49:57,120 --> 00:50:00,271
Nobody will know it's you.
You can change back immediately after.
843
00:50:00,360 --> 00:50:04,433
I'm not changing my sex for you or anybody else
and that's flat. No, definitely no!
844
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:09,716
Stop wriggling.
845
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:12,872
I can't help it.
I can hardly breathe in this damn thing.
846
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:14,757
Then don't breathe.
847
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:17,115
That's fine! Don't move, stop breathing...
848
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:19,270
Why don't you just bury me and have done?
849
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:21,316
That would be a good stunt.
850
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:25,951
You can have the other girls as coffin bearers
with black armbands and a lily stuck up their...
851
00:50:26,040 --> 00:50:27,996
There. 'Ere!
852
00:50:28,080 --> 00:50:31,436
Not bad. I wish your knees
weren't quite so knobbly, though.
853
00:50:31,520 --> 00:50:35,149
Oh, I am sorry.
I'll go to the hospital and get myself deknobbled.
854
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:37,515
Anything else you'd like me to have off?
855
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:42,073
We could do with a little bit more padding
up here, though.
856
00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:46,597
That's all right. We'll just get them
to transplant the knobbles from my knees.
857
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:50,636
I'll do that, saucy!
858
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:54,996
(Phone rings)
859
00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:57,998
Hello.
860
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,789
Hello, is that Mrs Prodworthy?
861
00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:03,996
Yes, it is. Who is that?
862
00:51:04,080 --> 00:51:06,469
You won't know who this is, but...
863
00:51:06,560 --> 00:51:09,472
- Choo-gai, hurgh!
- Blimey. Not much, she won't.
864
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:11,232
Kindly state your business.
865
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:13,595
Well, this may come as a surprise to you,
866
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:17,878
but one of the entrants in the beauty competition
is really a man.
867
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,554
What? I can't believe it.
868
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:24,872
Well, have you ever seen a young woman
using the gentlemen's toilet?
869
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,838
No... but it's possible, I imagine.
870
00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:29,239
What, standing up?
871
00:51:30,720 --> 00:51:32,676
Good heavens!
872
00:51:32,760 --> 00:51:36,036
But this is incredible! Which one of them is it?
873
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:42,195
I'm not prepared to say. If you're at the hotel at
six o'clock, you'll have a chance of finding out.
874
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:45,748
- Did she swallow it?
- Hook, line and sinker.
875
00:51:45,840 --> 00:51:49,276
Willy, well done. Not a word of this
to anybody, particularly Mr Potter.
876
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:51,316
Of course not, Mr Fiddler.
877
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:53,356
Very nice, I won't forget...
878
00:51:54,440 --> 00:51:57,512
Mr Fiddler? Could you... I seem to have mis...
879
00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,875
This is silly. I can't even see my feet now.
880
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,838
You should worry.
I haven't seen mine since I was 13.
881
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:08,390
Come on. Sit down at the dressing table
and we'll try the wig on.
882
00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:10,436
Now, what do you think you look best in?
883
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:12,476
A black out.
884
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:14,994
Which would you prefer, a short or a long one?
885
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:18,036
I think this one.
886
00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:25,076
There you go.
887
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:27,116
There. What do you think?
888
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:30,237
Do you know, it may sound kinky but...
889
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:32,276
I could fancy myself.
890
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:34,590
You wait till you see yourself in a dress.
891
00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:43,590
(As Mae West) Come up and see me sometime.
892
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:45,636
(Knock at door)
- Who is it?
893
00:52:45,720 --> 00:52:48,393
- It's me, Sid.
- Just a minute. I'm not decent!
894
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:50,436
What am I saying?
895
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:54,716
How's it going?
896
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:02,436
Hey... you're lovely!
897
00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:05,159
- Shut up!
- No, really, I mean it. Come here.
898
00:53:05,240 --> 00:53:07,196
Get away from me, you dirty old man!
899
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:08,838
(Sid cackles)
900
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:12,876
Well, Sid, what do you think?
901
00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:15,190
Absolutely perfect. Look. He'd fool anybody.
902
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:18,113
- Until I open my big mouth.
- You don't open your big mouth.
903
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:21,237
When they twig you're a bloke,
gallop back to your room and change.
904
00:53:21,320 --> 00:53:23,356
What do I do to show them I am a bloke?
905
00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:26,193
If the answer is what I think it is, no, I won't do it.
906
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:30,432
It's all right, don't worry.
When I introduce you, you step forward, trip,
907
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:33,239
your wig flies off, I scream,
"Gorblimey, it's a fella!"
908
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:34,469
Sensational.
909
00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:36,516
- Very subtle.
(Phone rings)
910
00:53:36,600 --> 00:53:38,556
- Take this.
- Give me this.
911
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:40,596
Room 44.
912
00:53:40,680 --> 00:53:42,636
Yeah, I'll tell him.
913
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:44,676
The television people are here.
914
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:46,716
Here we go. Now, stop worrying.
915
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:49,030
Go on, get into your dress, there's a good girl.
916
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:52,996
No, it goes over your head!
917
00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:55,036
Bend down.
918
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:59,352
You could do with a spot of rouge
on your cheeks.
919
00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:01,271
Get out!
920
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,396
What television interview?
921
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:06,550
I don't know anything about any interviews.
922
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:10,519
Excuse me, but we made arrangements
with Mr Fiddler to film here at six o'clock.
923
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:14,798
- In here?
- Not in this dreary room. It's not Bleak House.
924
00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:17,189
Look here, I refuse to stand here any longer
925
00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:19,840
- and take any more...
- Connie, leave it to me.
926
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:24,596
Get them out of here, understand? Out.
I'm not having any more of your little stunts.
927
00:54:24,680 --> 00:54:26,636
Excuse us. Connie...
928
00:54:26,720 --> 00:54:29,553
I can't just chuck them out. Think of the publicity.
929
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:31,596
We can't possibly get enough of it.
930
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:36,231
Really? I was under the impression that
you were getting more than enough of it!
931
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:38,276
Excuse me. I'm sorry about that.
932
00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:41,511
Mr Fiddler, we've come quite a long way,
933
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:44,558
and I'm really rather worn out.
934
00:54:44,640 --> 00:54:46,710
And you look it... tired, I mean.
935
00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:48,552
I'd like to get it over with.
936
00:54:48,640 --> 00:54:50,596
Through here, please.
937
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,756
(William mumbles to himself)
938
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,910
Hello, can I... I won't keep you a moment.
939
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:04,956
Hello? Hello?
940
00:55:07,240 --> 00:55:09,196
Oh, it wasn't... it was...
941
00:55:11,120 --> 00:55:13,076
I'd like to see Mr Potter, please.
942
00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:15,310
Yes, just one moment, I'll...
943
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,311
Ee, give over!
944
00:55:18,400 --> 00:55:20,356
Mr Potter? I won't keep you a second.
945
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:24,396
Yes, Potter, that's quite right.
946
00:55:24,480 --> 00:55:26,436
It's room 43, the fourth floor.
947
00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:30,957
It's all right, don't you bother.
I'll give him a buzz for you.
948
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:37,756
No, no, please don't bother.
949
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:39,876
I'd like to surprise him, anyway.
950
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:41,916
Yes, well, it's room 43, fourth floor.
951
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:43,672
Ho! Shut up.
952
00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:51,636
Careful.
953
00:55:56,080 --> 00:56:00,915
I think you'd better go down a couple of flights,
so you can get used to the frock. Come on.
954
00:56:36,800 --> 00:56:38,836
All right. Quiet, everyone, please!
955
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:40,876
Ready whenever you are, Mr Fiddler.
956
00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:42,916
Hang on, we've just got two more to come.
957
00:56:45,720 --> 00:56:47,676
Excuse us.
958
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:57,313
Here they are. Up here, please. Come on.
959
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:03,753
By Jove, what a magnificent beam!
960
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:06,753
You clumsy cow!
961
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:09,798
- I'm awfully sorry.
- Don't worry, I'll do it myself.
962
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:12,553
Miss Potter,
would you get on the end of the line?
963
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:14,596
Be a darling, Miss Potter.
964
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:24,076
There we are. All set.
965
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:26,116
Thank goodness for that.
966
00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:27,918
Now we'll start.
967
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:31,470
Come on, girls, don't forget,
tease, please, plenty of tease.
968
00:57:31,560 --> 00:57:34,711
Come on, throw your thingamabobs out.
969
00:57:34,800 --> 00:57:38,952
Not right out, darling.
It's not an educational programme.
970
00:57:39,040 --> 00:57:42,999
Yes, yes, I know. But even supposing
that your information is correct,
971
00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:45,036
I fail to see what we can do about it.
972
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:48,749
Inspector, is there no law against
a man masquerading as a woman?
973
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:52,196
Well, if it's with intent to defraud the public,
yes, ma'am.
974
00:57:52,280 --> 00:57:56,432
But he would only be defrauding
if he was offering something he hadn't got.
975
00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:58,875
He would be offering something he hasn't got.
976
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:00,916
It depends what he's offering.
977
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:07,154
Well, that is tricky. Take this gentleman here.
He can dress up as a woman if he so wishes.
978
00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:08,559
She is a woman.
979
00:58:09,640 --> 00:58:11,596
Oh, well, that's different.
980
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:14,592
- She can dress up as a man.
- She is.
981
00:58:14,680 --> 00:58:16,636
Oh, this is getting us nowhere.
982
00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:20,599
Inspector, is it or is it not fraud
if a man masquerades as a woman
983
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:22,636
in order to win a prize?
984
00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:24,676
That would be an offence.
985
00:58:24,760 --> 00:58:27,035
Then that is all we wish to know. Come along.
986
00:58:29,160 --> 00:58:34,188
And now, Woman's Things takes you
to the darling seaside town of Fircombe,
987
00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:37,714
for an exclusive behind-the-scenes peep
988
00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:42,999
- at the drama in a typical beauty contest.
- Stop!
989
00:58:44,520 --> 00:58:48,513
Madam, if you don't mind,
we are recording a television show.
990
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:52,275
You are recording a public scandal,
that is what you're doing.
991
00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:54,669
I beg your pardon?!
992
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:59,117
I have every reason to believe
that one of those women is a man.
993
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:03,718
Really?
994
00:59:03,800 --> 00:59:05,552
Do tell!
995
00:59:05,640 --> 00:59:07,710
You don't know what you're saying.
996
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:11,315
Oh, yes, I do. I had an anonymous phone call.
997
00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:14,836
Well, we'll soon sort that out.
Girls, you heard what the lady said.
998
00:59:14,920 --> 00:59:18,071
If it's true, would the guilty onekindly step forward?
999
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:20,719
Satisfied?
1000
00:59:20,800 --> 00:59:24,236
Certainly not! I demand
that each one undergoes an examination.
1001
00:59:24,320 --> 00:59:27,118
- Physical examination?
- Exactly!
1002
00:59:27,200 --> 00:59:32,354
It's up to them. If it was me, I'd be only too happy
to prove you wrong. What do you say, girls?
1003
00:59:32,440 --> 00:59:35,398
- Strip off, you mean?
- Just to the undies. That'll be enough.
1004
00:59:35,480 --> 00:59:37,710
Well, I'm game. Come on.
1005
00:59:39,320 --> 00:59:40,958
Miss Potter.
1006
00:59:47,520 --> 00:59:49,556
Keep shooting, Cyril, it'll be a sensation!
1007
00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:53,596
You too, Miss Potter. Now don't be shy.
1008
00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:56,399
- You rotten, stinking...
- That's him!
1009
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:58,869
- Stop him, somebody!
- Stop him!
1010
01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:02,512
Stop that... person!
1011
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:05,916
After him!
1012
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:07,956
Tally-ho!
1013
01:00:17,560 --> 01:00:20,313
This way, my dear. Over here!
1014
01:00:25,360 --> 01:00:27,316
Up the stairs!
1015
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:34,755
How dare you, you thing, you!
1016
01:00:37,920 --> 01:00:40,673
Serves you right for trying, you dirty old lecher.
1017
01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:42,716
Help!
1018
01:00:52,640 --> 01:00:54,596
Sorry, wrong room!
1019
01:00:58,280 --> 01:01:00,236
Peter, in here!
1020
01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:06,916
Get your own clothes on!
1021
01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:09,958
Go on, get in the bathroom!
Get your make-up off.
1022
01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:20,072
Excuse me. Have you seen
a half-clothed... woman up here?
1023
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:23,118
Why, yes.
She came into my fianc�'s room a moment ago.
1024
01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:25,509
- It's in there.
- What is?
1025
01:01:25,600 --> 01:01:27,556
Don't ask me, sir.
1026
01:01:27,640 --> 01:01:29,596
Leave this to me, please.
1027
01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:32,238
(Knock at door)
1028
01:01:32,320 --> 01:01:35,118
I must ask you to open the door, please.It's the police.
1029
01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:37,156
Quick, on the bed.
1030
01:01:39,280 --> 01:01:40,998
Ahem!
1031
01:01:42,080 --> 01:01:44,355
How dare you burst in like that!
1032
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:47,910
Excuse me, ma'am... sir.
We were looking for a...
1033
01:01:49,520 --> 01:01:51,875
Sorry. All right, come on.
1034
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:56,953
Oh, you're wonderful!
1035
01:01:59,080 --> 01:02:02,959
- Peter!
- Oh, no!
1036
01:02:14,240 --> 01:02:16,196
(All talk at once)
1037
01:02:23,440 --> 01:02:26,796
See the way they're pouring in.
It's even better than we bargained for.
1038
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:30,714
- Than you bargained for, you mean.
- You're not still sore about what happened?
1039
01:02:30,800 --> 01:02:32,756
Oh, no, I'm chuffed to bits.
1040
01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:36,515
I've lost my fianc�e,
I nearly get raped by a sex-starved admiral,
1041
01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:39,160
and if it hadn't been for Hope,
I'd be in jail by now.
1042
01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:43,153
- Her idea, was it? All that rumpo on the bed?
- It certainly wasn't mine.
1043
01:02:43,240 --> 01:02:48,394
What are you complaining about? Consider
yourself dead lucky you got anywhere near her.
1044
01:02:48,480 --> 01:02:50,436
I've got nothing against her.
1045
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:52,829
It's just that I happen to be in love with Paula.
1046
01:02:52,920 --> 01:02:55,388
Oh, forget it. She'll come back. They always do.
1047
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:59,758
Look at old Connie. Last night she wouldn't
speak to me, today she'll be all over me.
1048
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:02,274
Hello, darling. Doing all right out there?
1049
01:03:02,360 --> 01:03:04,828
I told you they'd come flocking in, didn't I?
1050
01:03:09,080 --> 01:03:12,595
All over you... and from a great height.
1051
01:03:12,680 --> 01:03:15,558
That's exactly how it happened,
believe it or not.
1052
01:03:15,640 --> 01:03:18,279
I suppose Peter asked you
to come and tell me this.
1053
01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:20,316
No, he doesn't know I'm here.
1054
01:03:20,400 --> 01:03:24,109
But he was so upset, I thought
I ought to try and straighten things out.
1055
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:27,272
You mean that this mysterious Patricia Potter
was Peter?
1056
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:28,395
Yes.
1057
01:03:29,480 --> 01:03:31,994
The silly fool. What made him do it?
1058
01:03:32,080 --> 01:03:34,389
It wasn't his idea. Sid talked him into it.
1059
01:03:34,480 --> 01:03:37,074
From what I've heard about him,
I can well believe that.
1060
01:03:37,160 --> 01:03:41,199
Oh, Sid's not so bad.
He's really quite nice when you get to know him.
1061
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:43,748
I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were keen on him.
1062
01:03:43,840 --> 01:03:47,116
Now you come to mention it... neither did I.
1063
01:03:47,200 --> 01:03:49,589
There's a thing.
1064
01:03:49,680 --> 01:03:52,990
Look, are we the only two
who know Peter was this girl?
1065
01:03:53,080 --> 01:03:55,355
Yeah, why?
1066
01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:58,238
If Peter can be a beauty queen,
I'm damn sure I can.
1067
01:03:58,320 --> 01:04:00,276
Do you think I stand a chance?
1068
01:04:00,360 --> 01:04:02,032
Yeah!
1069
01:04:02,120 --> 01:04:04,680
'Ere, you'll be the greatest!
1070
01:04:04,760 --> 01:04:06,716
Mildred!
1071
01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:08,630
Mildred?
1072
01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:10,312
(Radio blares)
1073
01:04:24,200 --> 01:04:26,156
There!
1074
01:04:26,240 --> 01:04:28,196
That should do it good.
1075
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,436
Now, perhaps, you will get dressed.
1076
01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:33,476
Why?
1077
01:04:33,560 --> 01:04:35,516
The car will be here soon.
1078
01:04:35,600 --> 01:04:39,115
We are due at the fire station at ten o'clock.
1079
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:41,156
What for?
1080
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:43,196
To inspect their new fire engine.
1081
01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:45,236
That should be exciting.
1082
01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:55,231
Will you please go to the toilet before we leave?
1083
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:57,993
I don't think I'll bother, thank you.
1084
01:04:58,080 --> 01:05:00,435
I don't feel like looking at fire engines.
1085
01:05:00,520 --> 01:05:02,476
Have you taken leave of your senses?
1086
01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:06,997
Those firemen are expecting you to be there
with me. What am I going to tell them?
1087
01:05:08,080 --> 01:05:10,958
Tell them there's more than one way
to put a fire out.
1088
01:05:11,040 --> 01:05:14,350
And that's exactly how I feel
about their new engine.
1089
01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:19,037
As you all know,
this degrading spectacle is due to take place
1090
01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:22,152
at 3pm on Saturday in the pier theatre.
1091
01:05:22,240 --> 01:05:26,199
And our primary objective now
is to ensure that it does not.
1092
01:05:26,280 --> 01:05:28,555
- Hear, hear!
- Now for your orders, then.
1093
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:31,870
This is a plan of the pier and the theatre.
1094
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:34,428
Each one of you section leaders
1095
01:05:34,520 --> 01:05:37,592
will be in command of one area of the offensive.
1096
01:05:37,680 --> 01:05:43,835
I must stress that the success of
the whole operation depends on surprise.
1097
01:05:43,920 --> 01:05:48,789
And I must ask you to regard this briefing
as top-secret.
1098
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:51,836
(Clatter, tinkle)
1099
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:54,354
I think there's someone in the outer office.
1100
01:06:01,120 --> 01:06:04,078
Aha! All right, come in here.
1101
01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:07,756
I'm sorry.
1102
01:06:07,840 --> 01:06:10,035
I didn't mean to disturb anything.
1103
01:06:10,120 --> 01:06:11,872
Mrs Bumble!
1104
01:06:11,960 --> 01:06:13,916
What are you doing here?
1105
01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:17,197
Please... I'd like to join up.
1106
01:06:18,720 --> 01:06:21,359
Rosemary, get the candle.
1107
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:23,396
Right, it's a deal.
1108
01:06:23,480 --> 01:06:26,040
Three o'clock in the pier theatre on Saturday.
1109
01:06:26,120 --> 01:06:28,076
And thank you, Mr Gaybody.
1110
01:06:28,160 --> 01:06:31,914
How about that, Pete?
5,000 quid for the exclusive television rights.
1111
01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:35,037
- Marvellous.
- What are you looking so worried about?
1112
01:06:35,120 --> 01:06:38,271
We haven't seen
those Women's Lib pickets out all day today.
1113
01:06:38,360 --> 01:06:40,430
So what? We've got 'em licked and they know it.
1114
01:06:40,520 --> 01:06:42,476
But why should they choose to stop now?
1115
01:06:42,560 --> 01:06:46,394
That is women's fundamental weakness.
They never know when to stop.
1116
01:06:46,480 --> 01:06:49,472
Don't worry. It's all plain sailing from now on.
1117
01:06:52,240 --> 01:06:54,913
- Yes, Inspector? What can I do for you?
- Excuse me, sir,
1118
01:06:55,000 --> 01:06:57,912
we've had information
that Miss Patricia Potter is here again.
1119
01:06:58,000 --> 01:07:00,798
- Impossible. He's here.
- That's what I said, sir.
1120
01:07:00,880 --> 01:07:05,158
- But he can't... she can't be.
- William booked her into Miss Spring's room.
1121
01:07:05,240 --> 01:07:09,199
- What the hell's going on here?
- Perhaps we'd better find out, sir.
1122
01:07:09,280 --> 01:07:11,635
You're dead right, matey! We will find out.
1123
01:07:25,120 --> 01:07:27,076
Oh... Oh, hello, Sid.
1124
01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:30,630
The Inspector seems to think
that you have Patricia Potter in here.
1125
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:33,632
- Yes, that's right.
- You have?
1126
01:07:33,720 --> 01:07:36,917
- I'd like to see him, please, miss.
- You mean "her".
1127
01:07:38,640 --> 01:07:40,596
I'd like to see him or her, please.
1128
01:07:40,680 --> 01:07:42,113
OK. Come in.
1129
01:07:46,440 --> 01:07:48,396
Someone to see you, Patricia.
1130
01:07:49,840 --> 01:07:51,398
Yes?
1131
01:07:52,640 --> 01:07:55,393
- You are Miss Patricia Potter?
- That's right.
1132
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:57,630
Is that the one what was here before, Cookson?
1133
01:07:57,720 --> 01:07:59,392
I think so, sir.
1134
01:07:59,480 --> 01:08:03,553
I'm sorry about running away like I did,
but I hadn't got my best undies on.
1135
01:08:03,640 --> 01:08:04,914
Oh, yes?
1136
01:08:05,960 --> 01:08:09,873
- Do you still intend to enter the beauty contest?
- Of course. Why shouldn't I?
1137
01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,918
Because we have reason to believe
that you are of the male sex.
1138
01:08:13,000 --> 01:08:14,558
Oh, well, really!
1139
01:08:14,640 --> 01:08:16,596
Do I look like a man?
1140
01:08:16,680 --> 01:08:19,433
These days, it's very often difficult to tell.
1141
01:08:21,320 --> 01:08:25,199
- What about you? Do you think I'm male?
- I'd rather not say.
1142
01:08:25,280 --> 01:08:28,431
Well, there's only one way of proving I'm not,
I suppose.
1143
01:08:28,520 --> 01:08:31,830
- No, no, don't do that.
- It's all right. I've got something on underneath.
1144
01:08:31,920 --> 01:08:33,876
Is that enough?
1145
01:08:33,960 --> 01:08:35,916
Yes. Thank you, miss.
1146
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:38,434
I must apologise. I am perfectly satisfied.
1147
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:40,476
All right, Cookson, come along.
1148
01:08:42,480 --> 01:08:44,436
Nice work, darling.
1149
01:08:44,520 --> 01:08:46,476
Hey!
1150
01:08:47,560 --> 01:08:49,516
What about you, Peter?
1151
01:08:49,600 --> 01:08:51,591
Are you perfectly satisfied?
1152
01:08:51,680 --> 01:08:52,715
No.
1153
01:08:52,800 --> 01:08:54,756
But I bloody well soon will be.
1154
01:09:00,840 --> 01:09:02,796
By the... Ooh, dear.
1155
01:09:05,320 --> 01:09:07,595
- And by this action...
- And by this action...
1156
01:09:07,680 --> 01:09:10,035
- I, Mildred Bumble...
- I, Mildred Bumble...
1157
01:09:10,120 --> 01:09:14,193
- publicly proclaim my equality to man...
- publicly proclaim my equality to man...
1158
01:09:14,280 --> 01:09:18,910
- and cast aside the bonds of womanhood.
- and cast aside the bonds of womanhood.
1159
01:09:19,000 --> 01:09:20,956
- Proceed.
- Proceed.
1160
01:09:33,840 --> 01:09:35,990
Call the fire brigade, someone!
1161
01:09:36,080 --> 01:09:39,311
This is indeed a proud day
for the Fircombe Fire Brigade.
1162
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,356
Very nice.
1163
01:09:43,960 --> 01:09:46,599
- Highly polished. What is that?
- That's the bell, sir.
1164
01:09:46,680 --> 01:09:48,636
The new high-speed hose.
1165
01:09:49,720 --> 01:09:53,030
Well, well, I must say,
it all looks very efficient to me.
1166
01:09:53,120 --> 01:09:54,394
What is all this?
1167
01:09:54,480 --> 01:09:58,473
Well, amongst other things, Your Worship,
this houses the lifeline.
1168
01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:00,391
The lifeline?
1169
01:10:00,480 --> 01:10:04,109
When any of the men are entering
a smoking building or suchlike,
1170
01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:06,919
first they attach one of these hooks
to their belt.
1171
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:08,956
Oh, I see.
1172
01:10:09,040 --> 01:10:10,996
Very good, yes.
1173
01:10:11,080 --> 01:10:13,036
- Like this?
- That's right.
1174
01:10:13,120 --> 01:10:15,588
Your Worship,
I'd like to take a photograph of that.
1175
01:10:15,680 --> 01:10:17,636
Certainly, my boy, certainly.
1176
01:10:19,520 --> 01:10:20,999
(Bell rings)
1177
01:10:21,080 --> 01:10:24,152
- Good heavens, what was that?
- That's the alarm, I'm afraid.
1178
01:10:30,920 --> 01:10:32,876
(Siren blares)
1179
01:10:56,840 --> 01:10:58,796
How much is that, please?
1180
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:02,316
- 50 pence, please, sir.
- Half a quid? Blimey, it'll have to be good!
1181
01:11:02,400 --> 01:11:04,789
I assure you,
you won't see anything like it again.
1182
01:11:04,880 --> 01:11:06,836
Great, in't it?
1183
01:11:06,920 --> 01:11:08,876
I didn't expect a crowd like this.
1184
01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:11,599
- We'll be sold out soon.
- Thanks for helping, Con.
1185
01:11:11,680 --> 01:11:13,830
Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
1186
01:11:13,920 --> 01:11:18,357
- You can't say I haven't worked for it.
- No, you're going to get everything you deserve.
1187
01:11:18,440 --> 01:11:20,237
I've got to get up to the theatre now.
1188
01:11:20,320 --> 01:11:23,073
Just make sure all this money is
locked up nice and safe.
1189
01:11:23,160 --> 01:11:25,628
- Oh, I'll take good care of it.
- That's my girl.
1190
01:11:31,080 --> 01:11:34,629
You'd better keep your eye on that lot.
We don't want any trouble.
1191
01:11:34,720 --> 01:11:37,280
Don't worry, sir. None of them will get past us.
1192
01:11:37,360 --> 01:11:39,316
Good lad.
1193
01:11:49,960 --> 01:11:51,916
Yes?
1194
01:11:57,960 --> 01:12:01,475
Excuse me, I'm looking for Paula...
Miss Patricia Potter.
1195
01:12:01,560 --> 01:12:03,790
All right, darling, I'll come out. Just a tick.
1196
01:12:06,600 --> 01:12:09,592
- Enjoying the view?
- Oh, sorry.
1197
01:12:13,560 --> 01:12:15,516
What is it, darling?
1198
01:12:15,600 --> 01:12:17,955
Paula, I don't want you to take part in this.
1199
01:12:18,040 --> 01:12:20,918
But, darling, I'm enjoying it.
And I might even win.
1200
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:26,233
I can't help it. I can't stand the thought of those
people leering and mentally undressing you.
1201
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:28,914
They won't have to strain their mentality much.
1202
01:12:30,040 --> 01:12:31,996
You're not going out there in that?!
1203
01:12:32,080 --> 01:12:36,870
- Don't you think it's suitable?
- Suitable?! You're showing your... button.
1204
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:39,315
- My what?
- Your button! That.
1205
01:12:39,400 --> 01:12:41,595
Oh. Is that bad?
1206
01:12:41,680 --> 01:12:45,309
Don't you know there are certain things
a woman just doesn't show in public?
1207
01:12:45,400 --> 01:12:48,597
But I didn't think that was one of them.
My mother always told me...
1208
01:12:48,680 --> 01:12:51,638
I don't care!
You're not going out there and that's that!
1209
01:12:51,720 --> 01:12:53,233
Peter, you don't own me!
1210
01:12:53,320 --> 01:12:55,356
I damn well do! When people meet my wife,
1211
01:12:55,440 --> 01:12:57,795
they'll say, "There's the woman with the button"!
1212
01:12:57,880 --> 01:13:00,235
Yes, darling. Let's see now...
1213
01:13:00,320 --> 01:13:03,949
- How would it be if I wore this bit down there?
- Well, that might...
1214
01:13:05,040 --> 01:13:06,996
Darling, I'm going to marry you.
1215
01:13:08,880 --> 01:13:12,031
Don't worry, darling.
I'll try and find something more respectable.
1216
01:13:26,920 --> 01:13:28,876
Sun Ray to A Able.
1217
01:13:28,960 --> 01:13:30,916
Commence Operation Nobble.
1218
01:13:31,000 --> 01:13:32,353
Roger and out.
1219
01:13:43,800 --> 01:13:45,756
Five minutes, girls.
1220
01:13:45,840 --> 01:13:47,796
Excuse me.
1221
01:13:48,880 --> 01:13:50,836
Are you going to wear your own?
1222
01:13:50,920 --> 01:13:52,876
Yeah, I like it, actually.
1223
01:13:53,960 --> 01:13:56,428
GIRL: It makes you look younger, doesn't it?
1224
01:14:07,680 --> 01:14:12,435
All right, Fred. All I want from you is a few
well-chosen words to start the whole thing off.
1225
01:14:12,520 --> 01:14:14,988
Yes, I had thought of something
along these lines:
1226
01:14:15,080 --> 01:14:18,959
- "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen..."
- Great, that's just enough.
1227
01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:21,508
- Excuse me.
- Are you going to wish me luck?
1228
01:14:21,600 --> 01:14:24,194
- You won't need it, darling.
- You reck on?
1229
01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:26,635
I know. I'll speak to the judges. They're mates.
1230
01:14:26,720 --> 01:14:29,792
- You great big stupid ape!
- What's the matter?
1231
01:14:29,880 --> 01:14:33,998
You think you can go through life fixing things,
even me. Well, you're dead wrong!
1232
01:14:34,080 --> 01:14:36,071
If I do win, it'll be without any help from you!
1233
01:14:36,160 --> 01:14:38,435
Wait a minute! Come here!
1234
01:14:38,520 --> 01:14:41,478
Don't you see?
I'm trying to do something nice for you.
1235
01:14:41,560 --> 01:14:44,028
Well, if you want to do something nice,
wish me luck.
1236
01:14:44,120 --> 01:14:46,395
I do, but even luck needs a bit of a shove.
1237
01:14:46,480 --> 01:14:49,836
You'll never change, will you?
No, Sid, but thanks all the same.
1238
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:51,876
All right, good luck.
1239
01:14:58,760 --> 01:15:00,637
Do you mind? This is private.
1240
01:15:00,720 --> 01:15:02,039
This is the ladies' cloakroom.
1241
01:15:02,120 --> 01:15:04,076
Oh, Gawd!
1242
01:15:11,200 --> 01:15:12,633
Ohh!
1243
01:15:12,720 --> 01:15:14,597
Good afternoon, madam.
1244
01:15:15,680 --> 01:15:19,355
And although this venture
has not been welcomed
1245
01:15:19,440 --> 01:15:21,908
by some of our more retrogressive residents,
1246
01:15:22,000 --> 01:15:23,956
I venture to say...
1247
01:15:24,040 --> 01:15:25,996
nay, nay...
1248
01:15:26,080 --> 01:15:28,036
I more than venture,
1249
01:15:28,120 --> 01:15:30,076
I proudly say...
1250
01:15:30,160 --> 01:15:32,913
I proudly say... what?
1251
01:15:33,000 --> 01:15:35,070
- Ready? I'll introduce you.
- Not quite yet.
1252
01:15:35,160 --> 01:15:36,798
All right, Fred.
1253
01:15:38,880 --> 01:15:40,836
Thank you.
1254
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:44,116
Ladies and gentlemen,
1255
01:15:44,200 --> 01:15:48,034
welcome to this,the very first Miss Fircombe beauty contest.
1256
01:15:48,120 --> 01:15:50,395
I am highly delighted to be able to tell you
1257
01:15:50,480 --> 01:15:55,235
that all the contestants you will see today
represent the very cream of their profession.
1258
01:15:55,320 --> 01:15:58,357
Cream, let me say, that comes
in the most magnificent containers.
1259
01:15:58,440 --> 01:15:59,998
(Laughter)
1260
01:16:01,480 --> 01:16:03,436
Thank you. Before we go any further,
1261
01:16:03,520 --> 01:16:07,399
I'd like you to meet the man who has given
unstintingly of his time to Fircombe,
1262
01:16:07,480 --> 01:16:09,311
your own distinguished mayor,
1263
01:16:09,400 --> 01:16:11,356
Alderman Bumble!
1264
01:16:11,440 --> 01:16:13,590
Clear my throat.
1265
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:20,116
Ladies and gentlemen...
1266
01:16:20,200 --> 01:16:21,713
Get 'em off!
1267
01:16:24,160 --> 01:16:26,799
Get 'em off, Bumble!
1268
01:16:28,720 --> 01:16:30,676
That's your lot, Fred. Don't overdo it.
1269
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:32,716
It gives me great pleasure to be here...
1270
01:16:35,120 --> 01:16:37,076
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
1271
01:16:37,160 --> 01:16:40,470
It's time for you to meet
our distinguished panel of judges,
1272
01:16:40,560 --> 01:16:43,120
who have given their services entirely free.
1273
01:16:43,200 --> 01:16:45,714
First of all, we have Miss Carlotta Strong,
1274
01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:47,995
principal of the Fircombe School of Dancing,
1275
01:16:48,080 --> 01:16:50,036
Miss Charleston 1932.
1276
01:16:56,400 --> 01:17:00,598
Second, Mr Alf Foggett,
landlord of the Royal Oak.
1277
01:17:02,040 --> 01:17:04,270
(Smattering of cheers and jeers)
1278
01:17:05,920 --> 01:17:08,115
And finally, ladies and gentlemen,
1279
01:17:08,200 --> 01:17:12,637
none other than Mr Roger Tipson,your own borough sanitary engineer.
1280
01:17:16,080 --> 01:17:20,551
And now, ladies and gentlemen, now comes
the moment you've all been waiting for,
1281
01:17:20,640 --> 01:17:23,279
the grand parade of all our lovely contestants,
1282
01:17:23,360 --> 01:17:26,352
introduced to you by Mr Peter Potter.
1283
01:17:33,560 --> 01:17:35,630
Our first contestant this afternoon
1284
01:17:35,720 --> 01:17:41,078
is a young lady who is the present holder
of the title Miss Dairy Queen...
1285
01:17:41,160 --> 01:17:43,116
Dawn Breaks!
1286
01:17:55,840 --> 01:17:57,273
Reminds me of HMS Bristol.
1287
01:17:57,360 --> 01:17:59,316
Thank you, Dawn.
1288
01:17:59,400 --> 01:18:05,032
Next a young lady who is a late but nonetheless
very welcome entrant to the contest...
1289
01:18:05,120 --> 01:18:07,270
Miss Patricia Potter!
1290
01:18:18,120 --> 01:18:19,997
By Jove!
1291
01:18:20,080 --> 01:18:22,036
Thank you, Miss Potter.
1292
01:18:24,080 --> 01:18:26,310
Third, we have a very popular young lady,
1293
01:18:26,400 --> 01:18:32,669
who is the current holder of the title
Miss Easy Rider... Hope Springs!
1294
01:19:05,840 --> 01:19:07,751
What's the matter? Has she got fleas?
1295
01:19:10,040 --> 01:19:11,075
They all have.
1296
01:19:14,160 --> 01:19:15,957
Well done, Section A!
1297
01:19:17,040 --> 01:19:18,996
Get the next one on quick.
1298
01:19:19,080 --> 01:19:20,718
Contestant number four,
1299
01:19:20,800 --> 01:19:22,756
Geraldine Payne.
1300
01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:28,190
Section B, commence downfall.
1301
01:19:28,280 --> 01:19:29,679
Roger.
1302
01:19:32,080 --> 01:19:33,433
That's more like it.
1303
01:19:52,480 --> 01:19:54,072
What's happening here?
1304
01:19:59,760 --> 01:20:01,432
(Boing)
1305
01:20:18,880 --> 01:20:20,836
And now for a lady from bonny...
1306
01:20:22,520 --> 01:20:26,035
...land, Miss Susan Brooks.
1307
01:20:29,760 --> 01:20:30,829
(Laughter)
1308
01:20:32,320 --> 01:20:34,914
Oh, my God! Get the rest of them on quick!
1309
01:20:35,000 --> 01:20:37,230
Miss Eileen Denby.
1310
01:20:38,400 --> 01:20:40,550
Miss Maureen...
1311
01:20:42,200 --> 01:20:44,156
- A-choo!
- Aagh!
1312
01:20:44,240 --> 01:20:46,196
(Raucous laughter)
1313
01:20:47,640 --> 01:20:50,200
Miss Gloria Grimes.
1314
01:20:53,280 --> 01:20:55,669
Miss Melanie... Parker.
1315
01:20:58,160 --> 01:21:00,435
Miss Frances Dent.
1316
01:21:02,160 --> 01:21:04,151
Miss...
1317
01:21:04,720 --> 01:21:06,438
Sun Ray to all sections.
1318
01:21:06,520 --> 01:21:08,715
Commence Cloudburst.
1319
01:21:12,200 --> 01:21:14,156
(All scream)
1320
01:21:56,600 --> 01:21:58,556
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
1321
01:21:58,640 --> 01:22:02,599
There is no need to panic.
If you'll all try and keep your feet,
1322
01:22:02,680 --> 01:22:05,672
we will endeavour to find outwhat has gone wrong.
1323
01:22:05,760 --> 01:22:07,716
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
1324
01:22:07,800 --> 01:22:10,712
This is your mayor speaking to you.
1325
01:22:12,480 --> 01:22:16,155
I know how terribly disappointed you must all be,
1326
01:22:16,240 --> 01:22:18,470
but we mustn't let it get us down.
1327
01:22:20,080 --> 01:22:22,594
Man the pumps! Abandon ship!
1328
01:22:26,520 --> 01:22:28,590
It's all right, ladies and gentlemen.
1329
01:22:28,680 --> 01:22:31,911
- Keep your seats.
- It's a swindle!
1330
01:22:32,000 --> 01:22:34,468
There's Fiddler. Come on, let's get him!
1331
01:22:34,560 --> 01:22:36,516
All right. Goodbye.
1332
01:22:46,360 --> 01:22:47,349
There he is!
1333
01:22:54,360 --> 01:22:56,920
Look out, he's gone raving mad!
1334
01:22:59,880 --> 01:23:01,836
Sid, wait for me!
1335
01:23:38,680 --> 01:23:42,116
"Thanks, Sid,
this will pay for all my hotel damages. Connie.
1336
01:23:42,200 --> 01:23:44,156
Love."
1337
01:23:45,240 --> 01:23:47,913
Love?! The crooked old cow!
1338
01:23:56,480 --> 01:23:58,436
Stop!
1339
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:02,678
There's another one! Hey!
1340
01:24:02,760 --> 01:24:05,228
- Sid, wait for me!
- Stop that woman!
1341
01:24:05,320 --> 01:24:07,276
Stop them!
1342
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:09,715
Somebody stop those two!
1343
01:24:17,640 --> 01:24:19,596
Not bloody likely!
108858
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