Original subtitles

OS FILMES DA MINHA VIDA COM�DIA - 1970

AG�NCIA DE VIGARICES�(1970)

Tchau, meu velho rapaz, e obrigado por um esmagador fim de semana.

Empresa maravilhosa, comida ador�vel e sua esposa faz o amor magnificamente!

Com licen�a, senhor, mas eu ouvi voc� corretamente?

O que � isso, velho?

Voc� foi um convidado na casa desse cavalheiro para o fim de semana

e voc� diz a ele para o rosto dele que sua esposa faz o amor magnificamente?

Sim est� certo.

Voc� acha que � bastante correto?

Bem n�o. N�o exatamente, n�o.

Mas ele � um bom sujeito, eu n�o gostaria de dizer nada para ofend�-lo.

Eu digo, isso foi bastante pensativo para voc�.

Tarifa? Oh, muito justo, eu diria.

Vamos! Vamos. Eu n�o tenho o dia todo.

Oh, hum, Guildhall, por favor.

Tarifas, por favor. Mais tarifas, por favor?

Tarifas, por favor.

Indo at� o final?

Por que voc� n�o vai para a frente, senhor? Voc� ver� melhor.

N�o me mentes, Sidney Bliss. Voc� estava com aquela mulher Esme Crowfoot toda a noite.

Eu continuo dizendo, eu s� apareci por um pouco.Meia hora, isso � tudo. Isso n�o � longo.

Isso � o suficiente para voc�.

O que voc� tem feito? Segurando um cron�metro?

O que voc� estava fazendo indo para o apartamento dela, afinal?

Ela � um dos nossos clientes, n�o �? Tenho que examin�-los, n�o?

Oh, "veterin�rio"! Essa � a nova palavra para isso?

N�o consigo repar�-los com os parceiros certos at� descobrir o que eles fazem e como ... eles vivem.

Como a jovem vi�va da tabacaria? Voc� deve ter "avaliado" ela pelo menos 50 vezes!

Oh Deus, eu s� continuo por a� para o meu shag!

Olha, � meu trabalho descobrir o que as mulheres fazem.

Voc� deve cuidar dos homens.

N�o seja est�pido. Eu sei o que eles fazem.

Ah, n�o tente brincar com voc�.

O que voc� diria se eu come�asse a examinar? Todos os clientes do sexo masculino?

Eu diria, "Gawd os ajude". Besta podre!

J� tive o suficiente! Sophie, d�i!

Corte-o! Eu j� tive o suficiente de voc�!

� todas as noites!

Sophie, d�i. Voc� ficou louco?

Entre.

Ah! Oh, pe�o desculpas.

Est� tudo bem, senhor. N�o temos vergonha de estar apaixonado, somos n�s, querido?

N�o querido. O que podemos fazer por voc�, senhor?

Er, bem, � sobre o seu an�ncio. Eu estava procurando uma esposa.

E voc� n�o poderia ter chegado a um lugar melhor. Ele poderia ser meu pequeno beb�?

N�o, de fato.

Bem, parece que eu vou ter que te deixar por um momento, querida.

Neg�cios antes do prazer, minha pomba. Voc� vai nos desculpar, n�o vai?

At� logo, sopro de a��car.

Vou contar os momentos at� que eu possa entrar em voc� novamente.

� incr�vel. Dez anos, nos casamos. Voc� nunca acreditaria nisso.

Oh maravilhoso. Eu n�o me importaria com uma esposa assim.

Curtiu isso? N�o, vamos encontrar voc� melhor do que ...

Encontraremos voc� algo mais adequado para voc�. Voc� n�o vai se sentar, Sr.?

Oh, Muffet. Bertram Muffet.

Muffin. Bem, teremos que te encontrar um crumpet para ir com isso, n�o vamos?

Eu imploro seu perd�o? Deixa pra l�. Agora

Er, Muffet. Muffet, sim.

Nossas cobran�as, e muito razo�veis elas tamb�m s�o,

s�o dois registros de guineas, dois para a introdu��o e dois quando voc� clicar.

Clique? Me casar.

Se voc� clicar sem se casar, S�o quatro guineas.

Oh, sim, tudo bem.

Muffin de Bertram.

Muffet.

� isso mesmo, sim. N�s vamos apenas obter alguns detalhes. Era?

Oh, er, 17, eu acho.

17?

Bem, eu pensei que quanto mais jovem ela era, quanto mais ela durasse.

N�o n�o n�o. Quero seus detalhes . Sua idade .

Oh, 27.

27. E o que voc� est� interessado?

O mesmo que a maioria das vezes gosta de fazer, suponho.

E isso �?

Bem, eu n�o sei. Eu nunca fiz isso ainda.

Voc� deveria tentar. � adoravel.

O que eu estou tentando fazer � para descobrir o que voc� gosta de fazer,

ent�o eu posso consertar voc� com uma garota que gosta tamb�m.

Ah, sim, eu tamb�m gostaria de uma garota que gosta disso.

Sim, � �til. Hobbies?

Ah bem, o meu principal � fazer avi�es modelo.

Modelo de avi�es?

Sim, fora das garrafas de leite. Petiscos de leite?

Sim. Eles n�o est�o voando modelos, � claro. N�o? Voc� me surpreende. Algum outro hobby?

Eu prefiro colecionar correspond�ncias de livros. Voc� sabe, todos os pacotes diferentes.

Eu n�o acho que vamos ter muitos problemas

encontrando voc� uma garota que gosta de fazer avi�es fora das garrafas e coletando o pacote estranho.

Oh, bom.

Certo, bem, esse � o lote.

Oh maravilhoso. Er, o que acontece agora?

Venha comigo.

Agora, ent�o.

Tudo o que fazemos � alimentar a informa��o no computador aqui,

e, depois de alguns minutos, A senhora adequada para voc� vir� l�.

O que? Atrav�s desse pequeno slot? Ela deve ser muito pequena.

N�o n�o n�o.

Apenas os detalhes da senhora, n�o a pr�pria dama.

Esta � uma fant�stica pe�a de maquinaria, Voc� sabe disso? Custa uma bomba.

Este � um milagre da tecnologia moderna. Aqui vamos n�s.

Tops de garrafas e partidas de livros!

Que captura!

Ah!

Ai sim. Eu acho que este � o ideal , o Sr. Bliss.

Aqui estamos, ent�o.

Oh, Deus! Aquilo foi r�pido.

Essa � a beleza disso, voc� v�, Sr. Muffin. Muffet.

Um colega pode passar sua vida tentando encontrar a menina certa. Esta m�quina faz isso em minutos.

Vamos ver quem � a sortuda, ent�o?

Houve um pequeno erro t�cnico aqui.

Este est� definitivamente fora de circula��o.

Qual � a ideia? Porque ela?

Por que n�o? Ela � um dos nossos clientes.

Eu sei disso, mas ela n�o � boa. Voc� parece ach�-la muito satisfat�ria.

Tudo bem. Voc� teve sua pequena brincadeira. Vamos ter outro.

Voc� parece esquecer, Sidney, querido, N�o a escolhi,

foi escolhido por Esse milagre da tecnologia moderna.

Ou talvez voc� gostaria que eu explicasse para os nossos clientes, como funciona.

N�o n�o n�o.

N�s n�o precisamos de voc� ... querido.

eu quero ver isso O cavalheiro est� correto, querido.

� uma pena sobre isso, Sr. Muffin, uma grande pena.

Oh, seu computador est� errado? N�o, foi muito preciso.

O hobby da senhora n�o � compat�vel com o seu. Oh, mas como?

Bem, ela gosta de fazer decora��es de Natal fora das garrafas de leite.

Isso poderia levar a lutas todas as manh�s sobre quem vai ter o topo.

Tenho certeza de que n�o o far�amos.

Isso traria a produ��o de sua aeronave a uma paralisa��o.

Oh, bobagem, querida. Acho que � uma boa id�ia.

Voc� n�o pode apenas imaginar esses dois jovens? Sentado � frente de um inc�ndio todas as noites,

fazendo coisas com seus tops?

Estou bem pronta para ir se ela estiver, Sr. Bliss.

Ela est� pronta tudo bem, cara ... para ir, quero dizer.

N�o seja um spoilsport, Sidney.

Seu n�mero est� no cart�o. Deixe-me cham�-lo.

Eu vou fazer isso...

querida.

� isso a�. Agora, segure.

Oh, desculpe-me um momento, voc� vai?

Esme Crowfoot falando. Posso ajudar?

Ah, este � o Sr. Bliss da Ag�ncia Wedded Bliss.

Voc� tem um nervo me chamando depois do caminho voc� se comportou ontem � noite, devo dizer.

Sim, e sinto muito se eu incomodava voc�, Srta. Crowfoot.

O fato � que temos um jovem cavalheiro aqui Quem est� ansioso por conhec�-lo.

Bem, se ele � algo como voc�, Eu n�o acho que eu gosto de encontr�-lo, obrigado.

Ela est� entusiasmada com isso.

Eu n�o sei o que voc� acha que sou, ou espera que eu fa�a,

mas vai demorar mais de uma d�zia de narcisos cansados para o fazer, posso te assegurar.

� legal de voc� dizer isso. Fazemos o nosso melhor para dar satisfa��o.

Que tal nesta noite?

Sim, tudo bem com o Sr. Muffin. Muffet.

Que tal o Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30 esta noite?

Ador�vel. Bem. Sim, n�o � nada. � um prazer. Voc� � muito bem-vindo.

� isso, ent�o.

Registro de dois guineus, dois guineas para a introdu��o. S�o quatro guineas.

Eu lhe darei uma de nossas cartas introdut�rias, para que ela saiba que voc� vem de n�s.

Oh, sim, obrigado.

E voc� pode gostar de ter nosso pequeno livreto, dando algumas dicas sobre namoro,

uma esp�cie de Do-lt-Yourselves.

Eu imploro seu perd�o? Deixa pra l�. Aqui estamos.

Obrigado.

Ah, sim, muito obrigado. Isso � muito legal de voc�.

The Wit To Woo de Sidney Bliss. Interessante.

Sim, tudo bem, ent�o.

E a melhor sorte para voc�, Sr. Muffet.

Er, Muffin. Erm ...

Havia alguma outra coisa?

Apenas minha mudan�a. Eu dei uma nota de cinco libras. Est� certo.

H� dois registros guineenses, dois para a introdu��o e 16 bob para o livreto.

Oh. Ai sim.

Eu sim. Oh, obrigado.

Sim. De modo nenhum. Aqui estamos.

N�o esque�a. Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.

Sophie. Sophie!

Agora, corte, Sophie!

Bem, Henry, voc� ouviu o conselho de Snooper.

Voc� acha que devemos tentar?

Se voc� quiser, Emily, mas pessoalmente n�o penso um par de passos ser� a resposta.

Se eu for para ajud�-lo a resolver seus problemas, Devo insistir na franqueza absoluta.

N�o tenha medo de usar palavras naturais para fun��es naturais.

Voc� n�o me surpreender� facilmente, posso te prometer.

Ent�o, vamos ter todos os len��is sujos e d� uma boa limpeza, eh?

Agora, quem ser� o primeiro? Voc�, Sra. Dreery?

Bem, realmente,Suponho que o problema � que n�o podemos continuar.

Agora, vamos tentar ser mais precisos. Get on ... o que? Um cavalo? Um �nibus?

Ah n�o. Voc� sabe.Bem, n�s apenas parecemos ter linhas o tempo todo.

Ah, linhas, sim. Sobre o que, precisamente?

Ah, tudo. Como a maneira como ele continuou sobre aquela cadeira de fogueira, eu o peguei.

Eu acho que sim, um 'tudo. Olhe para ele!

Deve ter sido feito para um enxerto sangrento. Eu n�o conseguiria metade da minha bunda

Apenas a causa de uma disputa, Sr. Dreery.

Voc� deve aprender a virar a outra bochecha, em uma maneira de falar.

Eu n�o vim aqui para uma risada, voc� sabe, amigo.Eu posso ficar em casa e olhar para ela por isso.

Sim, bem, geralmente h� um pouco mais profundo,causa subjacente de estresse nesses casos.

Claro que sim.

Vamos encarar.Voc� v�, o nosso problema � sobre o nosso ... sexo.

Voc� n�o deve ter nenhum problema nessa dire��o. Afinal, voc� � um de cada um.

Algumas pessoas s�o muito piores, voc� sabe.

- Voc� est� tentando ser engra�ado, companheiro? - N�o n�o. Certamente n�o.

Voc� n�o parece entender, cara.

Voc� v�, o problema com minha esposa � ...

ela n�o vai ter ...

rela��es.

Acho que isso n�o � justo, Sra. Dreery.

Afinal, � perfeitamente normal entreter membros da fam�lia de vez em quando.

N�o n�o n�o n�o n�o.

Ela n�o vai ter ...

... intercurso.

O que?! Bem, voc� deve conversar sobre algo.

O que ele est� tentando dizer � que nunca temos isso.

Essa intimidade nunca acontece entre n�s.

Ah, eu vejo! Bem, claro, voc� deveria ter mencionou que em primeiro lugar.

Obviamente, essa � a raiz b�sica do problema.

sim. Bem, claro.

Segue-se naturalmente que todos deve levar uma vida sexual bem equilibrada.

Esse � o problema: n�o � bem equilibrado.

Ele � cinco pedra mais pesado que eu.

Mm. Sim. Oh.

Entendo. Sim, eu posso entender a posi��o em que voc� foi colocado ... coloque dentro

Pedra os corvos. O que ele est� falando?

Mas voc� n�o v�? No momento, voc� � um peso morto.

E voc� � uma perda sangrenta.

N�o fale comigo assim!

Aqui estou eu, tentando te ajudar ...

Ajude-me? Voc� n�o pode ajudar um cachorro a encontrar um poste de luz ensang�entado.

Como voc� ousa!

Voc� vem aqui usando palavras rid�culas como "rela��es" e "intercurso"

sem ter a menor ideia o que eles querem dizer!

Eu n�o sei o que eles significam ?! Voc� est� em volta da tor��o sangrenta!

� isso a�! Saia do meu escrit�rio, voc� ouve? Saia!

Estamos saindo! N�o se preocupe, companheiro!

Sr. Snooper, eu devo pedir para voc� manter sua voz baixa!

Voc� pode ser ouvido em todo o edif�cio.

Eu sinto Muito. Eu estava tentando dar este casal miser�vel, algum conselho.

Conselhos Voc� n�o poderia aconselhar uma vaca constipada tomar um laxante.

Senhor, senhor, se voc� e sua esposa gostaria de esperar do lado de fora,

Eu vou te ver daqui a pouco.

Snooper, esses incidentes est�o acontecendo muito frequentemente.

Bem, eu realmente sinto muito, senhor.

N�o � tudo culpa sua. Eu n�o deveria ter empregado Um bacharel para dar conselhos aos casais.

Mas eu sei tudo sobre casais. Meu pai e minha m�e eram um, voc� sabe.

Fico feliz em ouvir isso, mas n�o � bom o suficiente.

A menos que voc� esteja preparado para se casar, teremos que dispensar seus servi�os.

- Isso � entendido? - Mas eu sou um solteiro confirmado.

Eu n�o conhe�o nenhuma mulher.

Ent�o encontre um! V� para uma ag�ncia matrimonial ou algo assim.

Mas fa�a isso. Em breve.

Casado? Isso vai atrapalhar minha vida inteira!

Bem, tudo bem ent�o.

Idade, h�bitos, hobbies, gostos, desgostos.

Agora, voc� disse que j� foi casado antes?

Est� certo. Duas vezes.

Suas esposas est�o mortas?

Est� certo.

Entendo.

A primeira esposa morreu de comer cogumelos.

Sinto muito ouvir isso.

Ent�o ela era.

A segunda esposa morreu de um cr�nio fraturado.

Um cr�nio fraturado? Como isso aconteceu?

N�o comeria os cogumelos.

N�o comeria o mu ...

Obrigado, Dr. Crippen. N�o ligue para n�s, ligaremos para voc�.

Obrigado.

Voc� deve estar brincando!

Oh boa tarde. A Ag�ncia Wedded Bliss me enviou.

Sr. Philpot?

Est� certo. Eu deveria conhecer uma senhorita Jenny Grubb.

Voc� n�o seria?

Jenny � minha filha.

Oh, gra�as a Deus ...Er, gra�as a Deus eu vim para o lugar certo.

Isso continua a ser visto.

Muito obrigado.

Jenny est� aqui, Sr. Philpot, tomando ch�.

- Voc� n�o teve isso, viu? - Ah n�o. N�o, esta � a primeira vez que nos encontramos.

- Ch�, Sr. Philpot. - Oh, me desculpe. N�o, n�o tenho.

Boa tarde.

Bom dia.

Este � o Sr. Philpot, que deseja se casar com Jenny.

Eu digo, firme. Quero dizer, nos d� a chance de nos conhecermos primeiro.

Veja como nos demos bem, n�?

Sr. Philpot, voc� tamb�m pode entender aqui e agora

que n�o haver� nenhuma quest�o de "acertar" antes do casamento.

N�o, eu s� n�o queria que voc� entendesse errado. Eu s� fui para a ag�ncia para um pouco de divers�o.

Se � divertido voc� quer Eu temo que voc� tenha vindo ao lugar errado.

Sim eu posso ver isso.

Bem, voc� tamb�m pode conhecer Jenny agora que voc� est� aqui.

Obrigado. Bem, bom ter conhecido todos voc�s.

Ela est� aqui, Sr. Philpot.

Esta � a Jenny.

Como vai, Jenny?

Nenhum contato f�sico ainda, por favor.

Jenny, pegue o Sr. Philpot um pouco de ch�.

Oh, sinto muito!

Eu imploro seu perd�o.

- Ai!

Obrigado.

Bem, isso � legal.

- A��car? - O que?

- A��car? - Ai sim. Obrigado.

Oh, eu sinto muito.

Eu imploro seu perd�o. Ele escorregou.

Desculpa.

Oh!

- Sr. Philpot? - Sim.

Voc� se importaria em retomar seu assento? antes de destruir a casa inteira?

Sim, sinto muito.

Ah!

Eu pare�o ter feito um dos seus discos em.

N�o importa. � s� o Crown Derby.

- Tudo bem ent�o. - Jenny.

Por favor, leve o Sr. Philpot mais um pouco de ch�.

Voc� deve pensar que sou muito desajeitado.

Sim, mas vamos esquecer o seu mais �bvio defici�ncias e chegar a quest�es pr�ticas.

Quanto ao per�odo de namoro ...

Sim?

Voc� ter� permiss�o para ver Jenny uma vez por semana,

em companhia de mim mesmo, claro, e outros membros da fam�lia.

Quer dizer, eu n�o seria capaz de v�-la sozinha?

Oh, eu n�o acho que seria de todo s�bio.

Jenny levou uma vida muito protegida e teve pouca ou nenhuma experi�ncia de homens.

Mesmo?

- Eu fiz isso. - Eu imploro seu perd�o?

- Coloque dentro. Oh!

- O a��car. Ah!

E qual � o seu status financeiro, Sr. Philpot?

Desculpe. Na verdade, eu tenho uma renda privada de cerca de L # 3.000 por ano.

Isso � tudo?

Bem, � o suficiente.

N�o o suficiente para administrar uma casa grande desse tamanho.

Eu mesmo vejo e outros membros da fam�lia para fornecer.

N�s n�o vivemos extravagantemente, mas gostamos de viver bem.

S� um minuto. S� um minuto.

Apenas supondo que eu fosse uma caneca suficiente para casar com ela,voc� realmente acha que eu moraria aqui? Com esse lote?

Naturalmente.

N�s sempre fomos e pretendemos permanecer uma fam�lia grande e feliz.

Oh, n�o, receio que n�o funcionasse. Eles nunca se encaixariam com o jeito que eu gosto de viver.

Festas a noite toda. Strip poker. Fuma�a de maconha.

N�o, n�o tenho medo.

Eu vou dizer adeus e obrigada pelo ch�.

Tchau.

Eu gosto dele.

Ag�ncia Wedd Bliss. Deixe-nos trazer um pouco de felicidade em sua vida.

Ol�, Sr. Philpot. Como foi a introdu��o?

Sim, sinto muito que ela n�o estava bem o que voc� estava procurando.

Eu n�o posso verificar tudo pessoalmente. Inever at� mesmo viu a senhorita Grubb.

- A m�e dela fez o que?

Sim, sim, simpatizo, Sr. Philpot.

Aguente firme, espere um minuto, vai?

Talvez eu possa te colocar em algo um pouco mais male�vel.

Er ...

Ai sim.

N�s temos Miss Adams aqui. Agora, h� um biscoito absoluto para voc�.

Apenas o trabalho para voc� - e ela tamb�m pode cozinhar.

Sim? Certo.

O n�mero de telefone � 663404271, certo?

De jeito nenhum, Sr. Philpot. Nosso objetivo � ver que todos os nossos clientes obtenham satisfa��o.

E voc�.

Esme Crowfoot. Voc� tem que fazer alguma coisa sobre isso, Sidney.

Sophie, querida, estive pensando.

Bem?

Sobre mim consertar isso para aquele jovem Muffin fellow para conhecer a senhorita Crowfoot. Est� tudo errado.

Eu n�o gosto do som disso. O que est� rolando?

Nada. Eu liguei para ela e cancelei.

E o que acontece quando ele desce ao bar para encontr�-la �s 7:30?

Ah, eu esqueci disso. Isso � um inc�modo. Eu vou ter que descer e explicar.

Ah, � uma boa ideia. Sim. Eu tamb�m vou.

Por que n�o? Espere um minuto. Voc� n�o pode. N�s temos aquele companheiro do Snooper vindo �s 8:00.

Oh, bem, nesse caso, Eu vou descer e explicar para o Sr. Muffet.

Voc� fica aqui e v� o Sr. Snooper.

Ah, n�o, isso n�o seria justo, seria?

Eu coloquei ele nessa bagun�a Cabe a mim tir�-lo disso.

Eu tenho algumas chamadas para fazer no caminho. Te vejo em breve.

Quando voc� vai me ver?

Sidney Bliss!

Eu vou consertar voc�, Sidney Bliss.

Ol�! Claro que lembro de voc�, Sra. Bliss.

Sim, nos encontramos pela �ltima vez naquele casamento quando eu guardei os presentes.

Sim, foi uma pena sobre isso.

N�o, eles nunca encontraram a noiva novamente.

Uma garota t�o legal tamb�m.

Bem, eu liguei para voc�, Sr. Bedsop, porque eu quero algu�m seguido.

Sr. Bliss, na verdade.

Meu marido, sim, est� certo.

Oh, bem, se voc� o descrever para mim.

Podre,

traindo,

deitado ba ...

N�o! N�o, Sra Bliss, uma descri��o f�sica, por favor.

Sim. Sim.

A apar�ncia geral de uma noz antiga e dissipada.

E o que � mais, eu posso te dizer onde ele estar� �s 7:30 da noite.

No Bar de Coquet�is Parkway Hotel.

Certo. Voc� deixa isso para mim, Sra. Bliss.

Verifica. Roger, por cima e por fora.

Nenhuma filmagem hoje � noite, ent�o, Sally?

N�o, a pior sorte. Eu tenho que conhecer um fot�grafo da ag�ncia de publicidade aqui.

Mais pinups, hein?

� isso a�. Sally Martin,estrela desconhecida do palco, tela e televis�o,

retratado em sua casa, com tudo sobre ela mas suas roupas.

Como vai? Conhecer voc� � o momento mais emocionante da minha vida, direto para cima.

Com licen�a ... mas eu sou da ag�ncia.

Ai sim. Ol�.

Ol�.

Bem?

Muffet Bertram Muffet.

Oh. Como vai, Sr. Muffet?

Tudo bem, obrigada.

� o momento mais emocionante da minha vida conhec�-lo em linha reta.

Mesmo?

Ah, bem, � bom conhecer algu�m quem sabe quem eu sou.

Eles me disseram na ag�ncia, veja voc�.

N�o v� e estrague tudo.

Eu me pergunto se voc� me faria um prazer?

O que?

O prazer de ter uma refei��o em algum lugar.

Oh. Bem, � realmente muito gentil da sua parte mas n�o � realmente necess�rio, voc� sabe.

N�o �?

N�o.

Olha, eu n�o tenho muito tempo, ent�o vamos direto de volta para o meu lugar e chegar at� ele, hein?

Alguns caras t�m toda a sorte.

Desculpe. Voc� j� teve um colega aqui Procurando por uma mulher?

N�s nunca recebemos nenhum outro tipo.

N�o mexa. Companheiro pequeno e magro.

- Um pouco dopey-olhando. Bertram Muffet?

- Ele saiu com a senhorita Martin. Martin?

Sally Martin.

Oh.

Ela o levou de volta para a casa dela ... para chegar at� ele.

Perd�o?

- Isso � o que ela disse. - Ela fez?

E eu chamei ele de droga!

Bem, � isso.

Eu compartilho com outra garota, mas voc� n�o tem para se preocupar. Ela est� trabalhando esta noite.

� muito legal. Muito bom mesmo.

Bem, de qualquer forma, � melhor que o Regents Park. - Regents Park?

Sim. � onde eu fiz da �ltima vez. Na ponte sobre o canal.

- Mesmo? - Mm.

Foi terr�vel. Congelando frio. E as pessoas continuaram parando para assistir.

N�o estou surpresa.

Eu suponho que sim.

Ainda assim, � irritante.

Agora, esse � meu quarto e atrav�s da cozinha e do banheiro.

Voc� vai querer entrar l�, n�o vai?

Oh, n�o, obrigado. N�o apenas no momento.

Agradar a si mesmo. Apenas a maioria dos sujeitos parece querer um no banho.

No banho? Certamente n�o.

Oh. Bem, eu tenho essa grande esponja voc� v�, e uma bucha.

Tenho certeza que voc� poderia fazer algo com isso.

N�o, obrigada.

EST� BEM. EST� BEM. Voc� est� fazendo isso. Agora, onde voc� gostaria de come�ar?

Bem, eu estou muito feliz aqui.

Bem. Bem, voc� fica pronto, ent�o e eu vou sair dessas roupas.

N�o, n�o, n�o, n�o! Quero dizer, n�o tem pressa, est� a�?

- Bem, eu n�o tenho a noite toda. - Bem, eu n�o quero a noite toda.

Quero dizer...

Bem, voc� parece absolutamente ador�vel como voc� �.

Nisso? Voc� deve estar brincando!

N�o mesmo. Eu gosto disso.

Bem, � muito gentil da sua parte dizer isso mas vamos ser sensatos sobre isso.

Quer dizer, eu n�o sou louco por me despir, acredito eu, mas � o que as pessoas querem hoje em dia.

Ent�o, eu digo, se eles quiserem, deixe-os t�-lo.

- Ooh! Oi! O que voc� pensa que est� fazendo?

Ei, volte aqui!

E o que voc� est� fazendo?

Est� tudo bem, oficial. N�o h� nada de errado em tudo.

Eu estava procurando por um homem que eu estava seguindo. - Mesmo?

- Acho melhor voc� vir comigo. - Eu n�o acho que voc� entenda.

Eu estava seguindo um homem.

Ele entrou no vesti�rio, ent�o eu o segui.

W-W-W-Wh ...

Ooh! Se eles ficarem mais curtos, eles ter�o mais duas bochechas em p�.

T�xi! T�xi!

Mans�es de Rogerham.

Assista! N�o use linguagem assim para mim, companheiro.

Voc� surdo twit velho! V� para esse endere�o.

O mais r�pido que puder.

Volte, seu idiota! Aqui!

T�xi!

Siga esse t�xi.

EST� BEM. Estou pronto.

Bem, voc� n�o precisa parecer t�o preocupado. Vou tirar isso assim que estiver pronto.

Voc� gosta disso? � Orlon.

Parece mais "tudo desligado" para mim.

Onde voc� me quer?

Bem, eu realmente n�o me importo.

Bem, voc� diz, voc� � o especialista.

Que tal na cama?

N�o.

Well, where, then?

Well, I mean, couldn't we just sit and talk for a bit?

Sit and talk? What about?

Anything. I mean, I just didn't expect things to happen so quickly.

Just a minute.

Is this the first time you've ever done this?

Yes.

Oh, no. Don't say they've sent me a learner.

But I know what to do. I mean, I've read books and things.

Oh, well. I suppose everybody's got to start sometime, haven't they?

So, let's give it a try, eh?

I only bought this outfit this morning.

I hope it shows enough.

Oh, yes, plenty.

Well, if it doesn't, just yell out.

Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?

Throw me a cushion, can you?

That's it.

How's that?

Wonderful.

Well, come on, then. Where is it?

Where's what?

Your camera.

Oh, but I haven't got one.

What? What's that in your case?

Oh, that's my model aeroplanes.

Your what?

Model aeroplanes. I thought you'd like to see them.

Why would I want to see your model aeroplanes?

Well, they told me at the agency that you make Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops.

- That's what I make these with. - Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops?

Right. I've never done that. It must be fun.

Oh, yes, yes. It's really great fun. You really must try it.

But just who at the agency told you all this about me?

The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss. This one.

The Wedded Bliss Agency.

This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin.

- Yes, it should be Muffet. - You're not a photographer?

Oh, dear me, no. I'm an undertaker's assistant.

An undertaker's... Oh!

Oh, look, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Muffin...

- Muffet. - But there's been a mistake.

I think you've met the wrong person.

- You are Miss Crowfoot, aren't you? - No.

You see, I was going to meet a man from the photo agency,

and when you said you were from the agency, I naturally thought that it was you.

Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. But when I saw you, I thought...

Oh, what an idiot I've been. Excuse me.

You don't have to go. It wasn't your fault.

- I'm terribly sorry. - Wait a minute!

(Laughs)

All right?

Well, that's it. Can't go any further. Not without getting arrested.

You! I said I never wanted to see you again.

Help me! Help me!

What's happened to you? You're all wet.

I'm sorry, I didn't know anybody else I could turn to.

What have you been doing? Come on inside.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're soaking. What have you been doing?

I couldn't help it. I just couldn't face going through life any more without you.

What do you mean?

I tried to drown myself.

Where? What in?

The canal.

Canal? What canal?

What does it matter what canal? They've all got water, haven't they?

Well, that was a silly thing to do. Those canals are filthy dirty.

Who cares about that when you're going to drown?

Why didn't you drown?

I forgot I could swim.

Come on. Get those wet things off before you catch your death.

Fancy! No-one's ever tried to do away with themselves because of me before.

- I'm flattered. - You should be. This suit cost me 30 quid.

I didn't really mean it, Sidney, you know, about not wanting to see you again.

Thank you. I don't want much, just to worship at your feet.

I've got better bits.

I'll put this by the fire. Have you wet your trousers?

Eh? Oh!

Oh, yes. Well, I mean, I went in feet first, didn't I? And my shirt.

Then, we'd better have it off, hadn't we?

You took the thought right out of my mind.

(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)

- Mr Snooper, is it? - That is correct.

Oh, do come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here. I'm Mrs Bliss. Do sit down.

- Oh, thank you. - That's it.

You don't mind discussing your problems with a woman, I hope?

Oh, no, not at all. My mother was a woman, you know.

Really?

I hope you don't mind my coming so late, but I wanted to wait till everyone had gone home,

and the streets were clear.

I wouldn't like to be seen coming here, you understand?

Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed coming to a marriage bureau, Mr Snooper.

The mating instinct is in all of us. Everybody's doing it these days.

I know! I have to spend half my time listening to how they do it.

I beg your pardon?

I am a marriage guidance counsellor, Mrs Bliss,

and my superior feels it would be advantageous if I were married.

Oh, I understand.

Though, I must confess, I find it difficult to believe that anyone as... cultured

and distinguished-looking as yourself would have any difficulty in finding a wife.

That is very true, of course, and up till now, I've had no need for one.

Miss Dempsey, my housekeeper, caters for my every need...

about the house, of course.

Cooking, cleaning and scrubbing. She does all the scrubbing.

So, what you really want is a wife who can satisfy your superior.

Good gracious, no! He has his own wife.

Yes, of course.

Well, I'm quite sure that we'll find someone suitable for you.

A woman with charm and intelligence who can grace your table and run your house efficiently.

- Yes. And bring me a cup of tea in bed. - Oh, of course.

I always fancy it in the mornings, you know.

Really?

Oh, yes. Gets the system going. I am a man of regular habits.

Once a week, I dine at my club.

Once a week, I play squash.

Once a week, bridge, and so on. Everything in moderation.

Yes, of course. Well, I think once a week is enough for anything, don't you?

Precisely.

Well, I'm sure that we'll be able to find someone suitable.

And being a virile man, of course you would like to have a child.

Oh, no! A fully-grown woman, I think.

Excuse me, I'd like to use the phone, if I may.

I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, but this is important.

Oh. Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you,

but would you have a sixpence for two threepenny bits, please?

By any chance?

Oh. Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, here's your receipt, Mr Snooper,

and we'll be getting in touch with you very soon regarding an introduction.

Thank you very much. And I must let you get home now. You're looking rather tired.

Well, it is a long day and Mr Bliss and I are always at it.

Well, as long as it's not through overwork.

(Phone rings)

Wedded Bliss Agency. Mrs Bliss.

Ah, Mr Muffet.

Oh, hello. Mrs Bliss, I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up.

I seem to have met the wrong girl. Yes.

Um, no, I got the right place and time,

but there was this girl who thought I was someone else and I thought it was her.

And we didn't find out her mistake... I mean, my mistake, until she got most of her clothes off.

But I don't understand this, Mr Muffet.

Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar?

No? Are you sure?

I see.

Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing, Mr Muffet.

Look, you still want to meet Miss Crowfoot, I take it?

Good.

Why don't you go to her flat?

Yes. I'll give you the address.

Um, Rogerham Mansions, yes. Dunham Road.

Right. Yes, and thank you. Yes, thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.

Esme! Esme!

- Are you feeling better now? - No.

But I might if I didn't have to keep looking at that thing.

Oh, don't you think he's rather gorgeous?

- Gorgeous?! - That's Gripper.

Griper would be more like it.

Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.

Get away! I thought it was a ballet dancer.

Well, he and I had quite a thing once.

I don't know what it was, but he had quite a hold on me.

Probably the Indian death lock.

Then he had to go to America and I haven't heard from him since.

Obviously the same as me, all-out for a submission.

Now, don't start that nonsense all over again.

Nonsense? Haven't you heard? That's what makes the world go round.

I've done my share of keeping it going in the past, now I'll let someone else have a go.

- Me, for instance. Come here! - No, Sidney, don't!

Sidney, you mustn't! Not in your condition.

- Right now I couldn't be in a better condition. - No, Sidney.

Oh, come on, darling. I'm not just on the make - I really fancy you.

No!

Oh, blimey, why not?

Because I am keeping myself.

- That's all right. I don't want to keep you. - I mean, for the man I marry.

- You're making a big mistake. - Why?

- It's like a car, isn't it? - What is?

You lay it up for a few years, suddenly you want to use it and it's rusted up.

True.

But if it has a regular service... no trouble.

- Look, it's not that I don't want to, Sid, but... - Yes?

(Doorbell rings)

- Who can that be? - Never mind. Don't answer it.

- I have to. It might be business. - What do you think this is?

I'll get rid of them as quick as I can.

(Doorbell rings)

Pussycat!

Gripper! Oh!

Oh! W-W-When did you get back?

Just now. I had enough of it over there.

Besides, I missed you too much.

I'm sure you did, Gripper. Oh, put me down, please, you're hurting me.

- Eh? - You're... Oh! Oh!

Oh... There.

Nobody can say Gripper Burke don't fight fair.

No, no, no!

Oh, Esme, darling, I can't wait to get started with you again.

I'm sure you can't, but not tonight, please.

What? You haven't found somebody else, have you? Because you promised.

- Oh, no, of course not, no. - Oh, well, that's all right, then.

- Seconds out. Second round. Doing! - No, Gripper, please, no!

Hey!

No, Gripper. No, Gripper, please!

No, no, Gripper!

No! No!

Gotcha!

My favourite hold, remember? It used to make you turn to jelly.

Yes, but I don't really feel like turning to jelly tonight, Gripper.

- That's all right. We've got all night. - No, dear. I really am awfully tired.

Oh, all right, then.

There. That's better.

'Ere, let me tell you about my last fight in the States.

Man Mountain Dawson they call him.

Man Mountain?! More like Ant Heap, he was!

He couldn't have wrestled with his bloomin' conscience!

Anyway, in the first round, he comes out roaring and bellowing like some animal...

- It sounds fascinating, Gripper, go on. - 'Ere, those are men's clothes.

- You've got a bloke here! - No, of course not, Gripper.

Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!

See? I told you there was no-one here.

- Do you think I'm daft or something? - Yes.

- Eh? - No, no, no. I mean, no.

Tell me, then. What were those clothes doing here?

I was just drying them off for someone.

Yeah? Well, he'd better not come back while I'm here, or he'll find me waiting for him.

(Thunderclap)

Oh, no!

Honest, Gripper, I haven't seen any other men since you went away.

- Honest? - Yes, really.

(Doorbell rings)

Good evening. This is Miss Crowfoot's flat, isn't it?

Yeah. What about it?

Well, they said if I was to come here, it would be all right.

Oh, they did, did they?

Yes, Mr Bliss said that she'd be just what I was looking for.

Oh.

- Well, you'd better come in, hadn't you? - Thank you.

Hello. I'm from the agency.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're from the agency, did you say?

Yes, that's right. Muffet's the name. Bertram Muffet.

- Gripper! What are you doing? - I'll kill him!

Aaaah!

Good night, Esme.

Hello, is that the Wedded Bliss Agency?

Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffet. A client of yours, I believe.

Yes.

What?

What's he doing in a hospital?

What?

Look, darling, I love you, I adore you and you're my very favourite model,

- but not for this particular job. - Why not?

No bristols. You're flat-chested.

Adrian, please!

- What do you mean, flat-chested? - Well...

Sally, did you hear him? Am I flat-chested? Am I, now?

I don't know. Turn around and let's have a look.

Oh, ha-ha!

You've never worried about it before.

Look, I have told you, for this particular job, they want watermelons.

All right. Go and find someone else. I don't care.

I wish I could. That's why I asked you if you knew somebody.

You think I'd tell you? Find your own watermelons!

Look, darling, I love you, but if I can't find any watermelons, I'm out of business.

Hello. Are you still there?

I'm sorry. I was interrupted.

Could you tell me which hospital he's in?

Oh, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, excuse me, but I saw an advert for someone to share a flat.

Oh, yes. Come in.

Thank you.

There's two of us here at the moment, but we could use a third.

It'll be about L#5 a week each. All right?

Oh, yes. At least it will be as soon as I can get another job.

Oh, what do you do, then?

Well, I was a stuffer.

I beg your pardon?

Oh. For sausage meat.

In a sausage factory.

Oh, yes.

You know, putting it in.

Why did you give it up?

Well, it wasn't a very interesting job. Besides, I wanted to get away from home.

I'm sure you'll find something else. Would you like to see round the flat?

I've got to go. If I don't find a girl, I'll lose this job.

I wish I were dead.

- Er, this is Adrian. - Oh, how do you do?

Darling girl, where did you come from? Heaven?

No. Fulham.

Hm?

Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.

What does he mean?

Oh, darling, let me rest my mince pies. Phwoar, they are... great!

- Knockout. - What?

They are all yours, I take it?

Oh, don't be a fool, Adrian.

Oh, yeah, of course. They must be. All right, darling. Get your gear off.

What?

Your clothes. I want to have a butcher's at you.

Who do you think I am?

Adrian, for heaven's sake, stop! She isn't a model, you know.

Really? Well, what do you do, then, darling?

I shouldn't tell him that if I was you.

As a matter of fact, she's not working at anything at the moment.

Oh?

Well, you are now, my darling. Phwoar!

'Ere, I never quite gathered, mate, but what's supposed to be wrong with you?

Me?

Oh, nothing at all. Why?

There must be something wrong.

No, I'm fine.

He's over there.

Oh, thanks. I promise I'll only be a few minutes.

Oh!

Oh, I say, I'm awfully sorry. I didn't see you...

Gosh! You!

Yes.

Well, nobody can accuse us of having dull meetings, can they?

But how did you get here?

Well, you left your card that night and they told me where you were.

Oh, I see.

Oh. Excuse me.

I came because I wanted to apologise for what happened in the flat that night.

You? But I'm the one who should apologise. I behaved like an absolute clot.

No, it was really all my fault. If I'd known who you were...

Oh, nonsense.

Anyway, nothing did happen, did it?

No. But what must you have thought of me, taking all my clothes off like that!

Well, I can tell you now, I did feel a bit shaky.

Especially when you asked me where I wanted you.

And you should have seen your face when I laid down on the rug and told you to get on with it!

And I turned and bolted!

Well, er...

I just wanted to say sorry.

I'll have to go now.

Oh, no, look, wait. Look, I get out of here tomorrow. Could I see you again?

Well, if you really want to.

Oh, rather! I'd like to see a lot more of you.

Oh, well, there isn't much you haven't already seen.

No, I don't mean that.

No, I know.

Well, if you'd like to give me a call sometime...

- Yes, soon as I get out. - Fine.

Bye for now, then.

- Oh. - Yes?

Um, don't think I'm being nosy, but there is one thing I just have to know.

I haven't got a girl, if that's it.

No, but do you really make model aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?

Yes.

Oh. Good. Well, I'll start saving mine for you, then.

Bye.

Aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?

Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing, but is it really right, all that stuff?

What?

Well, you know, her stripping off and laying on the rug and that?

Oh, yes.

- And you turned and ran? - Yes.

Blimey! And you say there's nothing wrong with you!

And the next, please.

Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise. Do come in. Sit down.

Thank you.

Well, what brings you here and what can I do for you?

Not a marital problem, I trust? (Laughs)

Well, hardly, Mr Snooper. You see, I'm not married.

Yes, well, of course, that would be...

What? You mean, you and Mr Bliss are living in sin?

Well, not that either, unfortunately.

I don't understand.

For business reasons, he thought it would be better if we appeared to be husband and wife.

Of course, we always had an understanding that one day we would marry.

At least, I had an understanding.

How long has this been going on?

- Ten years. - Oh, how terrible!

Oh, my dear Mrs Bliss.

Miss Plummet, actually.

Miss Plummet, oh.

How nice.

And you would like me to talk to Mr Bliss?

Oh, no. I'd never marry him now.

No, really, I came to talk about us...

About us?

Yes, you see, I've been studying your case very carefully, Mr Snooper.

And frankly, I feel that I am the only one

who comes anywhere near satisfying your requirements for a wife.

Oh, well, I don't know about that. I'd have to...

Oh, please, listen to me, Mr Snooper.

I'm sure you'll agree that I'm not one of your flighty young women.

Oh, no. No, not at all.

So, as far as sex is concerned, I'd like to make my position quite clear.

- Yes, well, the position is half the battle, isn't it? - Yes.

As your wife, I would run your home efficiently, I would preside over your table gracefully,

and await any further demands... hopefully.

Well, that is a most generous offer, Miss Plummet.

I promise you, Mr Snooper, you'll find me generous in all things.

Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it, of course, you understand.

Of course.

I've been a bachelor for so long,

I can't help wondering whether I'd be very satisfying as a husband.

- You know... - I know.

On the other hand, with you, I can't help feeling there's a chance it might work.

Well, don't worry. If it didn't, we could always adopt a child.

What do you mean, you're not coming into the office any more?

But, Sophie, I need you here.

What? Oh, that's nice, after all I've done for you.

Now, listen. So...

Sophie.

What's the matter with her? What have I done?

Mr Philpot, what can I do for you?

You can give me my money back. Every ruddy penny.

- Why? What's up? - What's up?!

First of all, you sent me to see a girl called Jenny Grubb. How about that?

Yeah, how about that? I never tried it.

A mouse. I've got more sex in my little finger.

If that weren't bad enough, you put me onto that Miss Adams.

"An absolute cracker," you said.

That's true. I vetted her personally.

- "A good cook," you said. - Yes, that's right.

She had something cooking... in the oven.

In the oven?

Yeah, by my reckoning, for about five months - at regulo ten.

Oh, my gawd!

It's all right. I'm in the clear.

- You won't be if I don't get my money back. - Wait a minute. Mistakes can happen.

I'll tell you what, I've got another one here for you. Her name's Esme Crowfoot...

No. You know what you can do with Esme Crowfoot.

I don't, but if you'd care to find out...

Give me back my money, or I'm going to the police.

They'll never find you anything any good.

Fraud! That's what it is. Obtaining money under false pretences.

Steady on. Why don't you just come and sit down...

(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride) - Excuse me. Come in!

Just give me my money back...

Oh! Excuse me.

Am I interrupting?

Not at all, miss. Can I help you?

I just popped in to say that you could take my name off your list.

You? You're on our books?

Don't you remember me?

- No. - Jenny.

- Jenny Grubb. - 'Ere, Jenny Grubb?

I came round to your place for tea the other week.

Yes, and you weren't very impressed, were you?

No... Yes, yes!

It's just that you were dressed rather differently then.

My parents believe in covering me up.

- They're an old-fashioned pair, you know. - Nonsense. They're a beautifully-fashioned pair.

Just hang on a minute,

Mr Philpot, it's my client, if you don't mind.

You want to come off our list. Does that mean you're fixed up with someone?

Well, no, no-one special. It's just that I've got a job.

I'm a model. And a new flat to live in, so I thought I'd have a bit of fun.

You couldn't have come at a better time. Let's go in the other office and talk.

Oh, no, I can't do that. I've got a modelling job in half an hour.

It's for a new kind of body stocking and I can't get out of it.

- Come in here, I'll get you out of it. - No, I must go.

Here, I've got the old jam jar outside. Let me give you a lift.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you.

Come on, then.

You've forgotten something. You wanted your money back.

Me? What would I want my money back for? You've done a splendid job here.

Have I?

Splendid.

Grubb. Jenny Grubb.

Let's have a look at this.

Miss Jenny Grubb. Age: 24 years. Hair: brownish. Eyes: didn't notice.

Height: 5' 6". Never had any.

Eh? Oh, hobbies. Yeah, well, that'll soon be changed.

Well, this is it.

- All right? - Mm. Sexy.

Ooh, you! You'd say a lumber room was sexy.

Only if I was rummaging through your odds and ends.

Have you got in here again?

(Jenny claps her hands)

- Come on out. (Meows)

Oh, it's the porter's, darned thing.

It's always sneaking in here.

Shoo, Cooking Fat, shoo!

(Jenny claps)

- Cooking Fat? - Yes.

They can't call it that, surely?

Well, that's what it sounds like.

Come and get comfy.

Here, are you sure your flatmates won't be back?

No, not until after 11.

- God, I really fancy you, Jenny. - And I liked you the first time I met you.

Oh, let me get at you.

(Crunch) - Oh, what the hell am I sitting on?

Urgh!

They're not yours, surely?

No, they're Gaye's. She really is a flat mate.

Come here, you little raver.

Oh, steady on. There's plenty of time.

And plenty of inclination.

Mm.

- Oh, Terry, stop it. - Hm?

- What are you doing? - I'm looking for the zip.

- You've got a sauce. - Well, where is the darned thing?

As if I'd tell you, anyway!

- It's on the other side. - Ah.

- That's better. - Ooh!

- What's the matter? - You've got cold hands.

- Oh, Jenny... - Oh, Terry...

(Zipper)

Oh, sorry, Jenny, I didn't know you were here.

I didn't know you were here.

Sally, this is my night. Wednesday.

I know. It's all right. I'm going out.

As soon as I find my blue sweater, anyway.

Have you had it?

Not yet.

No, I have not had your blue sweater,

and if you must go on looking for it in here, will you put something on?

Oh, sorry.

But I've got to find it.

Oh, I know. I bet Gaye's had it again.

Do you want me to close the door?

Yes, please.

Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.

Not at all. It's a good job she wasn't looking for her pants... or was it?

- Oh, Terry... - Oh, Jenny...

(Zipper)

I found it.

(Zipper) - Hooray!

Ooh, sorry. I won't bother you any more.

Do you want me to close the door?

BOTH: Yes!

Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.

Don't mention it. Don't mention it.

You are sweet.

- Oh, Jenny... - Oh, Terry...

(Zipper)

- Oh, blimey! (Zipper)

Men! I've had them up to here.

Oh, no.

Gaye, what are you doing here?

It is my flat, isn't it?

Yes, but it's Wednesday. My night.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I've had another flaming row with Adrian and I couldn't stand him any longer.

Gaye, I've got a friend here.

Oh, well, you don't have to worry. I'm going to bed.

I'm glad this is your night. I'd hate to be here when it wasn't.

- Oh, Terry... - Oh, Jenny...

Give me a number between one and ten.

Seven.

You lose. Get your clothes off.

(Zipper)

(Doorbell rings)

(Zipper)

If that's Bertie, tell him I won't be a minute, will you?

- Do it yourself, I'm busy. (Zipper)

(Doorbell rings)

If that's Adrian, tell him to go to hell!

(Doorbell rings)

- Oh, I could scream! (Zipper)

Ow!

(Persistent doorbell)

All right. Where is she? Where is that cow?

Gaye's in her room and she doesn't want to see you.

- Well, I want to see her. - I'm trying to entertain!

Oh. How do you do?

Hello.

- Open up, there! I want to talk to you! - Adrian!

I'll break the door down!

- Adrian! - What?

That is a cupboard!

Oh.

Sorry.

Open up. I want to talk to you.

Well, I don't want to talk to you.

- I'll stay here all night if I have to. - I had a nasty feeling he was going to say that.

Well? What have you got to say?

Darling, you know I can't exist without you.

You seem to be able to exist with all those other models you keep messing about with.

Oh, they mean nothing to me! You know that.

Oh, Terry!

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, good. Company.

Oh, I'm fed up with this! I might as well be back home.

- Yes? - Oh, hello, Jenny. Is Sally ready?

No. But do come in.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm barging in. Do go on with what you were doing.

Chance'd be a fine thing!

Quite a nice evening.

Charming.

I thought it would rain earlier.

- Really? - Yes.

Anyway, we'll probably get it tonight.

We'll be bloody lucky if we do, mate.

(Door opens)

Hello, Bertie. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Oh, that's all right.

Well? What are we going to do, then?

Well, if you'd like to stop in and make some aeroplanes, I've brought some tops.

Er, no, I don't think that would be a very good idea. Not tonight, Bertie.

All right. If that's the way it's to be, I shall kill myself!

- I will. I mean it. - Oh, no. No, Adrian, don't! Don't!

- Not in here. - I shall shoot myself.

Go on. Shoot the lot, then maybe we'll get some peace.

- Goodbye. - Oh, stop him, somebody!

Oh, take cover!

Boo!

Aren't you getting tired of following me about?

Excuse, gentle sir. Me no spoking very good the English.

Oh, gawd! A Bombay Bond!

Ha-ha! Fooled him that time.

15:02.

Suspect left Cock Inn, Saloon Bar, and proceeded back to office.

- Sophie, you're back! - Only to clear my desk.

Come on. Surely you're not still suspicious of Esme Crowfoot and me?

Ino longer care where you go, or what you do, or to whom.

Oh, don't be like that. How about dinner tonight? Just like old times?

You mean, like old time? And I paid the bill.

All right. So it's my turn tonight.

No, thank you. Anyway, I'm having dinner with Mr Snooper at his home.

- Alone? - Certainly.

I hope you've got your tin drawers on.

- (Laughs) - Mr Snooper and I are to be married.

Have you gone raving mad? You don't know anything about the bloke.

- He's a gentleman. - I knew there was something wrong with him.

Well, have you any alternative suggestions as to my future?

- Yes, of course I have. - Well?

Stay here with me. It's been all right the last ten years.

- Goodbye, Sidney. - Wait a minute, Sophie. Don't leave me like that.

I'll be lost without you. So will the business.

Ineed a woman. You know that.

Then I suggest you put the details on the appropriate card, and stick it in your computer!

All right, go, then!

See if I care.

Marvellous. Give a woman the best years of your life and look what happens.

Mr bleedin' Snooper... Snooper. What's he got, anyway?

Snooper, Percival. Percival! Cor blimey, there's a good start!

Age 43, handsome, well-mannered, sexually backward.

That's him all right. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Hobbies: reading, walking, playing bridge, and poking...

around antique shops.

45 Bolstrode Avenue. Occupation: marriage guidance counsellor.

Fancy! Well, I think it's time I did a bit of marriage guiding myself.

Hello, Esme.

Sidney? You've got a nerve ringing me.

I was wondering if you could do me a small favour, darling?

No, not that. Could you meet me tonight?

I can't. You know how jealous Gripper gets. Even more so now we're engaged.

Engaged? Congratulations.

You know I wouldn't bother you unless it was desperate. Go on, please.

Well, all right, but as long as you promise to behave.

That's a good girl. Meet me outside the Parkway Hotel, eight o'clock. Right?

And wear your sexiest see-through.

Whatever for?

Well, just because I can't touch, doesn't mean I can't look, does it? Eh?

All right. See you then. Ta-ta.

(Blows raspberry)

(Doorbell rings)

It's all right, Miss Dempsey. I'll go. This is the lady I was expecting.

Very good, sir.

Ah, Miss Plummet! How nice to see you. Do come in.

This is Miss Dempsey, my faithful, old housekeeper.

Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you, Miss Dempsey.

Mr Snooper has told me how well you look after him.

I've always done my best, I'm sure.

Oh, a treasure. I'd be lost without her.

Oh, well, I hope you'll stay on after Percival and I are married,

Miss Dempsey.

Married? Oh!

What on earth's the matter with her?

- Oh, surely you know? She's in love with you. - In love, with me?

Of course. You must have felt it on occasions?

Certainly not. No. I've never laid a finger on her.

Would you care for a glass of sherry?

Throw me aside like an old, worn -out slipper, after all the years I've slaved for him.

If I can't have him, nobody else is, if I can prevent it.

Ah! Ah, I always knew it would come in useful one day.

Ha-ha!

It's a delightful house, Percival.

I shall be very happy here.

Good. I think you'll like the first-floor front as your bedroom.

You mean, we won't be sleeping together, then?

Oh, good gracious, no, my dear. Why on earth should we with a house as large as this?

Yes, but I think it's a wife's duty to be close to her husband

for the warmth and comfort it brings.

Oh, you don't want to worry about that. I've got the electric blanket.

Oh. How nice.

Besides, sharing a bed together, we might be tempted to indulge in carnal pursuits.

Oh, rather. Yes.

And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we?

Well, you're very strong-willed, obviously,

but it's a temptation I would find very hard to avoid.

Nonsense, my dear! Do as I do.

Plenty of exercise, cold baths every morning and a good dose of salts at night.

Cheers!

Cheers.

Hang on a minute, I've just got to make a quick call. Pay the cab.

(Phone rings)

Hello. Basher Street Gym here.

Ah!

Hold on. Gripper!

- It's for you. - Oh. Excuse me.

Pleasure.

Hello. Gripper Burke here.

This is a friend.

I just thought you ought to know,

an oversexed nut by the name of Snooper has just lured your fiancee into his house.

What?! Where?

Bolstrode Avenue, 45.

And if I was you, I'd get my skates on quick.

I think you'll find this wine amusing.

(Knock on door) - That'll be Miss Dempsey with the main course.

She always does something special. Come in!

Miss Dempsey!

Miss Dempsey!

Yes, what is it, love? I mean, sir.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'll have mine in the kitchen, so you two can be alone. It's only fair.

What do you mean? You always eat in the kitchen.

Oh, yes, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen.

Sorry, love.

Well, I'll be leaving you now, then.

Oh, um, will you want your electric blanket switched on tonight?

Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?

Well, we don't always like it, do we?

I mean, do you! What have I said?

Miss Dempsey, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to get any ideas about me and Percy.

I mean, Mr Snooper.

He's always behaved like the perfect gent with me, except when we, er...

Well, you know.

I'm sure he has.

What are you saying? I've always been good to you, haven't I?

Oh, you have, love. I mean, sir.

He has, too. More than good. Always gives me a little present afterwards.

After I've done something especially nice for him.

Miss Dempsey!

- Please! - I'd better go, before I say something I shouldn't.

The woman's demented.

Sophia, surely you can't believe there's anything in what she said.

Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset by the announcement of our marriage.

On the other hand, there's no smoke without fire.

And you can't have a fire without it being properly laid.

I mean...

- That should be about right. - What should?

Never mind. You know what you've got to do. Lay it on good and thick.

Oh, Sid, I can't do it!

Is there a better way to show Sophie you're not interested in me?

Very well, but don't blame me for what happens.

That's a good girl. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Very well. I'm willing to accept that there has been nothing between you and Miss Dempsey.

She'll have to go, of course.

Go? But she's been here for years.

She has security and comfort here. She'd never get it anywhere else.

Well, she's not getting it here any more.

It's your choice, Percival. Her or me.

Oh, very well, then.

Oh, that's settled, then.

(Knock at door) - Come in.

There's a woman here to see you.

A woman? What woman?

"Just tell him Pussycat," she said,

"and he'll know who you mean."

Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycats.

You'd better tell her. She's waiting in the drawing room.

Oh, I don't understand. She must have got the wrong house.

Um, excuse me.

- Madam, I think there's been some mistake. - Oh, Percival!

I'm sorry, my darling, I just had to come. I can't bear it any longer without you.

Madam, please try to control yourself.

How can you ask me to control myself after all we've been to one another?

You who've never shown any control where I'm concerned.

- What? - I need you, Percival!

The nights have been, oh, so empty!

I don't care how hard you beat me, as long as you love me occasionally.

Oh, madam, please keep your voice down!

You can be heard halfway through the house.

Look here, I don't know who you are, or what you want...

Oh! What are you doing?

I want you to take me. I'm yours. You know it. Take me.

But I don't want you! Stop it! Stop it at once!

No, you've found someone else! I know it. I can feel it!

- Well, stop feeling it. - Oh!

Oh, Percival, how could you desert me like this?

What's to become of me and the baby?

The baby? What baby? I don't know any babies.

I won't give you up, you hear? I won't! You're mine!

- You'll always be mine. - Help, Miss Dempsey! Help, Miss Dempsey!

Ah!

Oh, no!

You! Esme Crowfoot!

You filthy, depraved beast!

No, Sophia, please, come back!

No, you don't need her, my darling, you've got me!

Get off!

Get off me! You've no right.

Bingo!

Where is she? Where is she?

If you mean Pussycat, in there.

Ah, Gripper!

- What are you? - You lousy swine. I'll kill you!

- What are you doing? You're all mad! - I'm mad, all right.

Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!

Ow!

Why, Miss Dempsey!

Oh, ta!

(Laughs)

Sophie, what happened?

Did you forget something?

No, I was just thinking about what you were saying yesterday and, of course, you're right.

You can't run the business without me.

- I thought you were getting married? - No.

Oh, oh.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it.

Fancy that, eh? The old firm back in business.

I think we ought to celebrate. I'll nip down to the off-licence and get something.

Oh.

Lend us a couple...

Thank you.

- Oh! - Hello.

Mr Bedsop!

What are you doing here?

Well, actually, I thought it was time I gave you a report on Mr Bliss.

Oh, you're not still following him? Oh, I am sorry, I should have told you to stop.

Well, I think you'll find it's all been worthwhile.

Particularly when you hear whom he was with last night.

Oh, I'm sure it...

- Last night? - Oh, yes.

He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.

Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.

Sophie! Come and get it.

Here, look. How about that? Champers.

- Oh, very nice. May I crack it? - Yes, go on, go ahead.

Thank you.

What did you go and do that for?

You wretch! You rotten swine!

Don't think I don't know you sent that poor wretched woman into Mr Snooper's last night.

Well... Well, what if I did?

- I only did it cos I don't want to lose you. - You've lost me now, for good.

No, wait, wait. I want to marry you.

You want to what?

Marry you. Well, I mean, that is, in time. I don't want to rush you into anything.

All right. All right. Next week, then.

You heard that, Mr Bedsop?

I've got it down.

You won't regret it, Sid, I promise you.

I know that, darling.

I'll tell you what, why don't we have a booze-up

and invite all the couples we've brought together?

- Careful, that's going to cost money. - So what?

I know a fellow in catering and if we charge them a guinea a head, we might make a few bob.

Oh, I love you!

# DVORAK: Humoresque

(Knocks on table)

Ladies and gents, I realise that our marriage has come as a bit of a shock to you all,

but I'd like you to know that we are delighted to have you share this great day with us,

you happy couples that we've had the pleasure of bringing together.

Just to look around this room and see so many contented, ideally-matched couples

is reward in itself for the trouble we have been to on your behalf.

You, like Sophie and me, have been dead lucky,

because you've had the benefit of our expert knowledge and scientific advice.

So, I am not asking you only to drink to our health and happiness, but to your own. Cheers.

# For He's A Jolly Good Fellow

(Tune trails off)

(Clears throat)

- 'Ere, that's it! - What are you on about now?

That suit he's wearing.

That was the one that was drying in your flat that night.

Stop it, Gripper, don't make a scene.

So, it was you. I'll bloomin' well kill you!

What are you talking about? He's gone potty. Don't pay any attention to him, Sophie.

I'll deal with you later!

Oh, you will, will you?

Don't you laugh at him, you little squirt!

How dare you, you old bag!

- Ow! - (Laughs)

# Strauss waltz

(Laughs)

Keep 'em coming.

GRIPPER: I'll tear you apart!

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