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1
00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:33,610
There. I've got you
a nice little blanket. OK?
2
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,900
Pop it on there like that,
Daddy.
3
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:38,540
Sit still.
4
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:46,860
There. Look at you!
5
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,460
Now, a favourite for the
Last Night Of The Proms...
6
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,460
Henry Wood's
Fantasia On British Sea Songs.
7
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,900
Dawn, you're missing
The Saucy Arethusa!
8
00:01:52,932 --> 00:01:54,312
We'll be through in a minute!
9
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,220
They don't half work hard
on that spread, do they, Bri?
10
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,970
Remember that
cheeseboard last year?
11
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,530
Red Leicester, White Stilton
and the Shropshire Blue.
12
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:05,730
Mm. How could I forget?
13
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,260
I was farting The National
Anthem all the way home.
14
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,060
Using the woodwind section,
I suppose?
15
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,900
You're taking music as one of your
A levels, aren't you, Ollie?
16
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,740
- What?
- Your Uncle Mick asked you a question.
17
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,540
You still studying music?
18
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:25,860
Music Tech.
19
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,660
Oh, right. On the computers
and such. Very wise.
20
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,860
That's the future, isn't it?
21
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,610
Not really -
it's more like the present.
22
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,130
Give me vinyl any day.
23
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,780
Music is analogue.
24
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,650
Needs a range of frequencies.
25
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:43,660
You lose so much compressing it
into one of those little boxes.
26
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,170
Little boxes?
27
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,490
iPods or whatever.
28
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:47,890
Shut up, Dad. No-one cares.
29
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,170
- Wanker.
- No, I'm with you, Brian.
30
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,530
Sometimes,
the old ways are the best.
31
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,300
Well, that's something we
can both agree on at least.
32
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,170
You going to help at all with
these arrangements, Penny?
33
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,890
Or are you just gonna stand there
rubbing that spoon to kingdom come?
34
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,890
Yeah, sorry.
I was just thinking.
35
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,900
Ah,
I thought I could smell burning.
36
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,620
Don't let the dog
near the table! Please!
37
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,290
Mick smashed a glass there earlier,
trying to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail.
38
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,980
"Cockup," I told him!
39
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,740
I always thought Brian had
a bit of Tom Cruise in him.
40
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,340
Now I think he'd just like
a bit of Tom Cruise in him.
41
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,570
Right, there are two bottles
of water in the conservatory -
42
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,850
one still, one sparkling.
43
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,180
Can you get them, please?
Thank you.
44
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,060
Well, come on! Chop chop!
45
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:42,960
Right.
46
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,260
You'll be needing these.
47
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,250
Why? Is Katherine Jenkins
making an appearance?
48
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,820
Don't be so disgusting, Brian.
49
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,500
They're for the sobbing.
50
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,730
You see, Ollie, when Henry
Wood put these songs together,
51
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,810
it was to represent the
life of a British sailor
52
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,410
in the Battle of Trafalgar.
53
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,780
The call to arms,
the thoughts of home...
54
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,780
This one's all about the loss
of a comrade, Tom Bowling.
55
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,660
And the Prommers,
they all pretend to cry. See?
56
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,420
They're having a good old weep.
57
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,810
- Why?
- It's tradition, Oliver.
58
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,330
Traditions are important.
59
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,130
Certain songs have
got certain actions.
60
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,930
It's a middle-class Time Warp.
61
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,770
The Rocky Horror Show for
retired schoolteachers.
62
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,970
Enough of your peevishness,
please. Thank you.
63
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,060
This is Oliver's
first Last Night.
64
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,410
Heaven knows,
it might be Daddy's last.
65
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,020
So let's just try and enjoy it.
66
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,740
Big hairy bush.
67
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:49,400
Hello.
68
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,180
I saw you earlier, didn't I?
69
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,690
At St Peter's.
70
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,780
I was putting flowers
on my mum's grave.
71
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,130
And then I saw you outside
Farmfoods on the high street.
72
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,060
I gave you a 2 pound coin.
73
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:04,300
Do you remember?
74
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:06,620
Are you following me?
75
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,490
No English very good.
76
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,330
Well, if you've come
here to molest me,
77
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,020
that's just too bad -
my husband's in the other room.
78
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:20,300
Although the sound is very loud, so
he probably wouldn't hear anything.
79
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,560
I'm Penny.
80
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:23,960
Yusuf.
81
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,060
Are you a friend
of Dawn and Mick's?
82
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,140
I'd be very surprised.
83
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,260
She's not normally keen
on people of your...genre.
84
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:33,760
Friend.
85
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,780
Oh, you've got lovely skin,
I know that.
86
00:05:39,644 --> 00:05:40,650
What was that?
87
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,780
I don't know,
a balloon or something.
88
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,060
Oh, he's shushing them, look!
89
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,660
Oh, he's quite a character,
this chap, isn't he?
90
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:01,850
God, here we go!
91
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,330
Jack's The Lad!
92
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,610
This is where the fun starts!
93
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,170
Yes, why bother with the
Shostakovich and the Verdi
94
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,260
when you can have the Blue
Peter theme tune instead.
95
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,220
Your dad likes all the dreary ones,
Oliver, but we can't stick 'em.
96
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,170
It doesn't get going for us until
the Fantasia Of British Sea Songs.
97
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,610
Fantasia ON British Sea Songs.
"On!"
98
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,450
All right!
99
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,650
If you're going to destroy a
work by honking all over it,
100
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,490
- at least get the bloody name right!
- Don't be such a snob!
101
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,970
I'm not a snob, Dawn,
I'm just a music lover.
102
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,570
Oh, I love it when they
change the tune deliberately
103
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,900
just to get a rise
out of the conductor.
104
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:36,820
Where's your mother?
105
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,260
It's Last Night Of The Proms.
106
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,820
They play it all over the world.
107
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,620
Well,
maybe not where you're from.
108
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,340
This one's called The
Sailor's Hornpipe.
109
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:48,820
Hornpipe.
110
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,260
I want to bob to it.
111
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,740
My husband won't bob.
112
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,780
We haven't bobbed in
more than three years!
113
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,810
He says it's because he's depressed
about the state of the country,
114
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,250
but that doesn't stop him
watching RuPaul's Drag Race
115
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,180
in his study till all
hours of the morning!
116
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,540
Can you feel my heart beating?
117
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,450
Come on, Oliver! Come on, Daddy!
118
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,930
No, I'm all right,
thanks, Auntie Dawn.
119
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:19,690
No, nonsense.
120
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,700
You've got to get into
the spirit of it. Come on!
121
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:28,380
And while we're at it, Delibes' Flower
Duet is not "the British Airways music".
122
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,410
The Largo from Dvorak's New World
Symphony is not "the Hovis music".
123
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:36,530
And O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
deserves far greater respect
124
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,690
than being dubbed
"the Old Spice music".
125
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,250
What's Old Spice music?
126
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,060
Theme tune to the X Factor!
127
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:44,970
I can't leave Brian.
128
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,500
Don't ask me to.
129
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,100
He needs me!
130
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:49,860
Please.
131
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,340
Where is bathroom?
132
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,770
- Here we go!
- Where are we going?
133
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,460
Oh, we're going round. Right.
134
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:02,980
Oh, right, Daddy!
135
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,340
Oh, well done!
136
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:28,170
Oh, my God! I'm pooped!
137
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,730
- That's why they call it the poop deck.
- Is it?
138
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,180
I've got no idea.
139
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,730
Got a gin and gin tonic itch?
140
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,220
Ooh, yes, please.
141
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,940
Did you enjoy that, Daddy?
142
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,060
Stroke my pizzle.
143
00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,660
Can I go now, Dad?
144
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,160
No.
145
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,180
See it through to the
bitter end, like I have to.
146
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:07,860
Can I have a drink, then?
147
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,120
Of course not!
148
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:18,330
♪ There's no place like home. ♪
149
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,380
Oh,
I'm making a sampler of that.
150
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,300
Tuesday night craft club.
151
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,780
I'm going to hang it there,
just beside the fireplace.
152
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,940
Don't you need Ralph's
permission to do that?
153
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,780
Oh, he won't mind.
Will you, Daddy?
154
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,500
Sieg heil! Hande hoch!
155
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,380
What's it to you, anyway?
156
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:37,440
Nothing.
157
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,410
Oh, here she is!
158
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,370
You just missed a
stomping Hornpipe.
159
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,870
No, I felt it. I heard it.
160
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,450
I had my hands full.
161
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,570
Ollie was up,
boogying with the oldies.
162
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,980
He taught me a few moves. Dab!
163
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,170
Where the heck have you been?
164
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,690
Oh, I went to get the water.
165
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,570
Well, this is supposed
to be a family gathering
166
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,410
and all I've got is Daddy
shouting obscenities,
167
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,010
Oliver on his mobile telephone
168
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,330
and your husband giving me
lessons on classical music.
169
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,770
- Sorry!
- Well, come on, then,
170
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,250
make yourself useful, please.
Thank you.
171
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,020
Standing there like
a stick of rhubarb.
172
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,860
Oliver's spitting feathers.
173
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,970
See, The Conquering Hero Comes!
174
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,170
Glad to see you've still
got your glass full.
175
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,912
Well, how else am I
going to get through it?
176
00:11:03,942 --> 00:11:07,135
What? You mean this night,
or our marriage?
177
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,940
Are you enjoying yourself,
Oliver?
178
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:10,220
It's all right.
179
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,770
What time does it finish?
180
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,900
Auld Lang Syne. Dab!
181
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,450
We were going to get you a flag
182
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,460
as part of your birthday
present, weren't we, Pen?
183
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:27,060
If you're talking about the EU
flag, then, no, thank you very much.
184
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,620
Up yours, Delors!
185
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,290
I think it's scandalous they
let so many in this year.
186
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,010
What? Flags or foreigners?
187
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,450
The flags!
188
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,130
It's like bloomin'
Eurovision at times.
189
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,250
It's supposed to be an English
concert for English people.
190
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,010
BRITISH people, Auntie Dawn.
191
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,060
Aye, let's not forget the
wee Scots folk out there.
192
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,690
And the Welsh as well, boyo.
193
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,420
They've got damn
fine singing voices!
194
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,420
Oh, I went a bit
Pakistani there, didn't I?
195
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,340
Boris! What have you done?
196
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,060
Naughty dog! Naughty!
197
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,740
Mm, who have we got singing
Britannia this year?
198
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,220
Very serious looking, isn't he?
199
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,620
Handsome, though.
200
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,820
He's got a look of
George Bush about him.
201
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,460
♪ When Britain first... ♪
202
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,300
Boobies!
203
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,250
Don't laugh, Oliver, please.
204
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,330
It's his medication.
205
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:42,810
♪ Pree-eee-eeety jugs! ♪
206
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,980
Before his diagnosis, I never
once heard him say a cuss word.
207
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,200
Now...
208
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,700
it's like living with Sid James.
209
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,060
Mum? What is this?
210
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,620
Just mineral water.
211
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:05,300
♪ Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ♪
212
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:10,620
♪ Britons never ever,
ever shall be slaves ♪
213
00:13:10,650 --> 00:13:15,260
♪ Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves... ♪
214
00:13:15,290 --> 00:13:17,140
It's "Rule", not "Rules"!
215
00:13:17,170 --> 00:13:21,700
Rule, comma, Britannia, exclamation
mark, Britannia, comma, rule the waves.
216
00:13:21,730 --> 00:13:24,610
It's an exhortation.
It's not a statement of fact!
217
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,960
- Oh, shut up!
- No, no, I won't shut up!
218
00:13:26,990 --> 00:13:28,750
We had our charter of the land,
and you lost.
219
00:13:28,780 --> 00:13:32,030
- Oh, we said we weren't going
to mention that this year. - 52%.
220
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:35,090
It's not my fault the
slugs voted for more salt!
221
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:37,220
You're just jealous cos
we got our country back.
222
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,670
Oh, YOUR country?!
223
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:39,950
- Yeah.
- Really?
224
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:41,130
- Yes!
- Brian!
225
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,150
Well, you are welcome to it.
Look at 'em!
226
00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:45,890
Little England.
227
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,590
The Classic FM brigade.
228
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:51,930
The sort of people whose
idea of humour is a pigeon
229
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,330
landing on Centre
Court at Wimbledon.
230
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,900
I'm sorry, Dawn, but what you
don't realise is people like...
231
00:13:56,930 --> 00:14:01,790
♪ Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ♪
232
00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:06,760
♪ Britons never ever,
ever shall be slaves! ♪
233
00:14:06,790 --> 00:14:08,110
Yeah!
234
00:14:21,070 --> 00:14:22,850
Makes you proud, though,
doesn't it, Bri?
235
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,060
No other country in the world
could do this - the pageantry of it!
236
00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:28,860
Oh, I don't know. North Koreans
could give it a good go.
237
00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:32,060
I'm sorry, but when did it become
a crime to love your country?
238
00:14:32,090 --> 00:14:35,240
I mean, what happened to you to
make you so full of bitterness?
239
00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:37,750
Oh, you love your country,
do you, Dawn?
240
00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:38,990
Are you sure about that?
241
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,100
- What?
- He doesn't love anything.
242
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,220
He's a hollowed-out
husk of a man!
243
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,820
Oh, piss off! I love things.
I love my car.
244
00:14:45,850 --> 00:14:48,030
I love my record collection.
I love the gym.
245
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,300
You love the changing rooms,
246
00:14:50,330 --> 00:14:53,650
- full of willies and hairy bum holes!
- What?!
247
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,900
♪ Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ♪
248
00:14:58,930 --> 00:15:04,310
♪ Britons never ever,
ever shall be slaves ♪
249
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:10,410
♪ Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ♪
250
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:14,010
♪ Britons never, ever, ever ♪
251
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,060
♪ Shall be ♪
252
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:21,450
♪ Slaves! ♪
253
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,560
Fan-bloody-tastic!
254
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,950
As Mr Punch would say,
"That's the way to do it!"
255
00:15:28,110 --> 00:15:31,910
Oh, just ignore him, Penny,
he's a miserable bastard.
256
00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,250
Oh, you calling me a bastard?
257
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,430
- That's rich! - Well, yeah, sitting there
with your snide insinuendos
258
00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:38,860
when we're all trying to have fun.
259
00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:40,260
Oh, leave it, Dawny.
260
00:15:40,290 --> 00:15:42,570
Well, look,
I've got no hard feelings.
261
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,030
You can say that again.
262
00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:47,660
And to prove it, I've got you
a little birthday present.
263
00:15:47,690 --> 00:15:52,020
I know it isn't your birthday
for another couple of weeks,
264
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,880
but it seemed appropriate.
265
00:15:59,430 --> 00:16:01,230
I told him not to print it.
266
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,620
Freddie did it
for me at the gym.
267
00:16:03,650 --> 00:16:05,480
Bum chums.
268
00:16:05,510 --> 00:16:07,190
What is it? Penny?
269
00:16:07,220 --> 00:16:09,700
Well, we knew you were
tracing our family tree,
270
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:12,780
and I thought it might be
fun to do a DNA test for you.
271
00:16:12,810 --> 00:16:14,220
Mick got us the swab.
272
00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:16,220
Remember when I said I
wanted to count your teeth,
273
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:17,920
cos it had come up
on the pub quiz?
274
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,590
I managed to get a sneaky
little cotton bud in there!
275
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,880
So we sent it away to
the labs in America.
276
00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:25,930
They don't claim to
have 100% accuracy.
277
00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:33,640
You're 62% German,
Fraulein Schmidt.
278
00:16:33,670 --> 00:16:35,220
- What?
- Bloody hell!
279
00:16:35,250 --> 00:16:38,160
Well, that's going back
hundreds of years, mind.
280
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:43,890
Und so, ve decided to play
detective and do ze test with Penny.
281
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,520
Und, surprisingly, her results
were entirely different to yours.
282
00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:52,430
And zen we did the test with Ralph, and
his results were the same as Penny's.
283
00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:55,720
Hmm, something is rotten
in the state of Denmark.
284
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:57,010
What's he blethering on about?
285
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,650
I was told I was conceived on
holiday in Weston-super-Mare.
286
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,760
Well, it seems that Mummy went
skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
287
00:17:02,790 --> 00:17:04,830
Daddy refused to go with her.
288
00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:07,610
He's always hated the
Germans because of the war.
289
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:10,640
And so she went on her own.
290
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:14,190
Und brought back a
rather unusual souvenir.
291
00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:15,860
Achtung, baby!
292
00:17:15,890 --> 00:17:17,460
All right, Brian,
pack it in now!
293
00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:19,380
Mum, I don't feel very well.
294
00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:23,570
And, so, when Daddy, who, it
turns out, isn't really Daddy,
295
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:28,460
eventually pops his clogs, this house,
where you and your tit of a husband
296
00:17:28,490 --> 00:17:31,210
have been cuckoos in the
nest for over 20 years,
297
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:36,100
is going to come to us - me and Penny,
the legitimate daughter!
298
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:40,110
So stick that in your
meerschaum pipe and smoke it!
299
00:17:41,570 --> 00:17:44,550
For goodness' sake,
what have you been drinking?!
300
00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:45,620
Water!
301
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,090
- Jesus Christ!
- Who the bloody hell's that?!
302
00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:55,000
He comes to take me away.
303
00:17:55,590 --> 00:17:56,930
He's come to take me away.
304
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,190
It's all right, Dad.
305
00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:01,020
Daddy... Just...
Everybody just be calm.
306
00:18:01,090 --> 00:18:02,690
How did you get in here?
307
00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:05,910
- Penny? Do you know this person?
- No.
308
00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:07,000
Friend.
309
00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:08,150
Well,
he seems to know who you are.
310
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,340
No, I've never seen
him before in my life!
311
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,400
Please...
312
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:14,420
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
313
00:18:14,450 --> 00:18:16,260
You stay where you are, mate.
314
00:18:16,290 --> 00:18:18,080
Oh,
now who's a Little Englander?!
315
00:18:18,110 --> 00:18:19,300
Oh, shut up, Helga!
316
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:22,630
He could have a bomb or
anything. Put your hands up!
317
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:24,760
Oh,
I don't think that's necessary.
318
00:18:24,790 --> 00:18:26,500
He's probably one of
these illegal immigrants
319
00:18:26,530 --> 00:18:28,500
come from that detention
centre in Yeovil.
320
00:18:28,530 --> 00:18:29,580
Well, what's he doing here,
then?!
321
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,680
I don't know,
he's probably just hungry.
322
00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:35,410
Do you want some bread or a
little bowl of milk or something?
323
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,240
He's not a hedgehog, Mick.
324
00:18:37,270 --> 00:18:38,270
Hands up!
325
00:18:43,050 --> 00:18:47,720
♪ Land of hope and glory... ♪
326
00:18:47,750 --> 00:18:49,560
Well, I'll be blowed!
327
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,300
Dawn! Penny!
328
00:18:54,060 --> 00:18:55,630
What? What is it?
329
00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:58,090
When I came through earlier,
all this food had been eaten.
330
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:58,670
Eaten?
331
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,650
Yeah. The dog must have climbed
up on a chair or something.
332
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,280
- And now...
- It's a miracle!
333
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,890
Do you think he could be...
334
00:19:06,590 --> 00:19:07,890
from Ocado?
335
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,170
I'm sorry about this.
336
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,800
I just want to be sure you're
not carrying a concealed weapon.
337
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:19,160
People get tied up, gagged,
forcibly broken into.
338
00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:21,380
I... I don't want
that to happen to me.
339
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,480
Dad...
340
00:19:23,020 --> 00:19:24,090
he's bleeding.
341
00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:30,960
He's come back, just like
the song said he would.
342
00:19:30,990 --> 00:19:32,260
What song? What you on about?
343
00:19:32,290 --> 00:19:33,620
A New Jerusalem.
344
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:36,000
You were an awfully long time
in that conservatory, Penny.
345
00:19:36,030 --> 00:19:37,250
You sure you don't
know what's going on?
346
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,070
I told you,
I've never seen him...
347
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:41,720
What?
348
00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:44,320
I denied him three times!
349
00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:48,420
Oh, my Lord! I'm so sorry!
350
00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:51,590
I am so, so sorry!
351
00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:53,250
What are you talking about?
I never touched him.
352
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,330
I think the best thing is
if I just phone the police.
353
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,330
No! They'll persecute him
and stick him in a cell.
354
00:19:58,360 --> 00:19:59,680
We've got to do something,
Penny.
355
00:19:59,710 --> 00:20:01,900
I can't have him standing there,
bleeding all over my house!
356
00:20:01,930 --> 00:20:05,200
- Er, it's not your house, remember?
- Oh, fuck off, Brian.
357
00:20:05,230 --> 00:20:06,780
You'll have to forgive
my sister-in-law.
358
00:20:06,810 --> 00:20:08,560
- What's your name?
- Yusuf.
359
00:20:08,590 --> 00:20:10,200
She's had a rather nasty shock.
360
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,710
She, like you, finds herself
far from her motherland.
361
00:20:13,740 --> 00:20:16,470
This piece of paper
means nothing to me.
362
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,280
Do you understand? Nothing!
363
00:20:18,310 --> 00:20:21,310
It doesn't change who I
am or what I believe in.
364
00:20:21,340 --> 00:20:22,680
I love my country!
365
00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:26,080
And I'm sick and tired of
people like you doing us down!
366
00:20:26,110 --> 00:20:28,110
I'm not ready to go yet!
367
00:20:28,140 --> 00:20:30,780
I thought you'd be pleased - coming
from the land of Beethoven's Ninth
368
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:33,170
and Black Forest gateau,
Volkswagen and Audi.
369
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,840
Vorsprung durch Technik
and Arbeit macht frei...
370
00:20:35,870 --> 00:20:37,000
You're a monster!
371
00:20:37,030 --> 00:20:40,330
Oh, let's put shells on little sticks,
so you can poke around in your own stool
372
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,750
to see how healthy you are!
373
00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:43,990
For the love of God,
will you leave her alone?!
374
00:20:46,150 --> 00:20:51,860
♪ Land of hope and glory ♪
375
00:20:51,890 --> 00:20:56,300
♪ Mother of the free... ♪
376
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:02,880
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- * How shall we extol thee? *
377
00:21:03,810 --> 00:21:05,210
Oh, Dad!
378
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:06,430
It's ok.
379
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:11,730
Sorry.
380
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,260
It's all right, just look at me.
Look at me.
381
00:21:14,290 --> 00:21:15,390
It's all right.
382
00:21:15,770 --> 00:21:19,510
It's OK. It's all right.
Everything's OK. It's OK.
383
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,070
It's OK. It's all right.
384
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:24,690
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
385
00:21:25,890 --> 00:21:29,420
Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.
386
00:21:34,340 --> 00:21:36,310
Stop it, Brian! Stop it!
387
00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:41,200
♪ Make thee ♪
388
00:21:41,230 --> 00:21:48,260
♪ Mightier yet! ♪
389
00:21:48,290 --> 00:21:51,280
I... I'm thirsty...
390
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:48,090
♪ And did those feet in ancient times ♪
391
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:53,990
♪ Walk upon England's mountains green? ♪
392
00:22:54,020 --> 00:23:00,500
♪ And was the holy Lamb of God ♪
393
00:23:00,530 --> 00:23:06,760
♪ On England's pleasant pastures seen? ♪
394
00:23:06,790 --> 00:23:12,700
♪ And did the Countenance Divine ♪
395
00:23:12,730 --> 00:23:18,990
♪ Shine forth upon our clouded hills? ♪
396
00:23:19,020 --> 00:23:25,700
♪ And was Jerusalem builded here ♪
397
00:23:25,730 --> 00:23:33,470
♪ Among these dark Satanic mills? ♪
398
00:23:41,850 --> 00:23:49,000
♪ Bring me my bow of burning gold ♪
399
00:23:49,070 --> 00:23:54,900
♪ Bring me my arrows of desire ♪
400
00:23:55,290 --> 00:24:01,180
♪ Bring me my spear O clouds unfold ♪
401
00:24:01,210 --> 00:24:07,720
♪ Bring me my chariot of fire ♪
402
00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:13,740
♪ I will not cease from mental fight ♪
403
00:24:13,770 --> 00:24:19,960
♪ Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ♪
404
00:24:19,990 --> 00:24:26,900
♪ Till we have built Jerusalem ♪
405
00:24:26,930 --> 00:24:36,070
♪ In England's green
and pleasant land. ♪
406
00:24:58,650 --> 00:24:59,960
He's fast asleep.
407
00:25:01,930 --> 00:25:02,950
I, erm...
408
00:25:03,850 --> 00:25:06,100
I put Oliver in Mummy's bed.
409
00:25:06,910 --> 00:25:09,490
Can't remember the last
time it was slept in.
410
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:10,680
I can.
411
00:25:11,940 --> 00:25:14,560
Last year, when we had that
argument about cream teas.
412
00:25:14,590 --> 00:25:17,240
- It's jam first.
- It's cream first.
413
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,470
Anyway, I was despatched
from the marital bed and
414
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,380
that's where I ended
up spending the night.
415
00:25:26,220 --> 00:25:27,900
You did a great
job with the room.
416
00:25:28,090 --> 00:25:29,090
Yeah.
417
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:31,810
Oh, and I found The Angel...
418
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,310
...Islington, so we've
got a full Monopoly now.
419
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:37,910
Oh, well,
there's some good news.
420
00:25:37,980 --> 00:25:39,270
Good news?!
421
00:25:41,890 --> 00:25:43,390
I was just explaining to Penny
422
00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:46,200
that all that food came out
of our chest freezer, so...
423
00:25:47,310 --> 00:25:49,000
not a miracle after all.
424
00:25:50,730 --> 00:25:52,850
Maybe he was some kind of chef.
425
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,100
Yeah.
426
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,340
And those water bottles,
I use for my home brew,
427
00:25:57,370 --> 00:25:59,510
so they could easily
have had alcohol in them.
428
00:25:59,540 --> 00:26:00,810
That explains that.
429
00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:02,460
And the stigmata?
430
00:26:02,490 --> 00:26:04,160
I told you earlier.
431
00:26:04,450 --> 00:26:07,080
Mick smashed a glass.
He probably just cut himself.
432
00:26:08,740 --> 00:26:10,670
He wasn't special, darling.
433
00:26:10,710 --> 00:26:12,380
He wasn't the Second Coming.
434
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:16,030
Just a strange man who
broke into our house.
435
00:26:17,570 --> 00:26:19,490
We had to defend ourselves.
436
00:26:21,170 --> 00:26:22,860
Englishman's home and all that.
437
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,390
That's right, Brian.
438
00:26:24,980 --> 00:26:26,450
It's Daddy's home.
439
00:26:28,850 --> 00:26:30,900
We had to do what
was best by him.
440
00:26:32,540 --> 00:26:33,570
Absolutely.
441
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:39,140
He had such beautiful skin.
442
00:26:42,590 --> 00:26:47,240
♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪
443
00:26:48,980 --> 00:26:52,870
♪ And never brought to mind? ♪
444
00:26:53,730 --> 00:26:58,870
♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪
445
00:26:59,110 --> 00:27:03,330
♪ For the sake of auld lang syne ♪
446
00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:09,510
♪ For auld lang syne, My dear ♪
447
00:27:09,860 --> 00:27:14,180
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
448
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:19,500
♪ We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ♪
449
00:27:19,530 --> 00:27:23,950
♪ For auld lang syne. ♪
450
00:27:24,670 --> 00:27:30,360
♪ For auld lang syne, my dear ♪
451
00:27:30,390 --> 00:27:35,930
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
452
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:41,780
♪ We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ♪
453
00:27:41,810 --> 00:27:43,840
♪ For the sake ♪
454
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:50,830
♪ Of auld lang syne. ♪
34206
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