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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,001 2 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:05,438 - GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMIE, MR. JIM JEFFERIES! 3 00:00:05,438 --> 00:00:09,412 [cheers and applause] [rock music] 4 00:00:13,412 --> 00:00:16,784 - HEY. 5 00:00:18,784 --> 00:00:21,720 HELLO. 6 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:22,955 HI. 7 00:00:22,955 --> 00:00:24,924 [applause continues] 8 00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:26,926 [music fades] 9 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:30,262 THAT WAS-- THAT WAS VERY NICE. 10 00:00:30,262 --> 00:00:34,733 ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH A JOKE. 11 00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,235 EVERY TIME I SNEEZE, 12 00:00:36,235 --> 00:00:37,937 SOME ASSHOLE IN THE ROOM GOES, 13 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:40,206 "DO YOU KNOW THE SENSATION OF A SNEEZE 14 00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:42,040 IS 1/8 OF AN ORGASM?" 15 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,375 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS MYTH, 16 00:00:43,375 --> 00:00:44,910 BUT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY. 17 00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:46,612 THAT'S WHY WHEN I'M FUCKING A CHICK, 18 00:00:46,612 --> 00:00:51,117 I KEEP A BIT OF PEPPER ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. 19 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,785 AND AS I'M COMING, 20 00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:54,257 I CHUCK IT IN HER FACE. 21 00:00:58,257 --> 00:01:01,227 'CAUSE SHE DESERVES SOMETHING. 22 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,428 [laughs] 23 00:01:02,428 --> 00:01:03,896 WELL-- 24 00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:06,301 [cheers and applause] THANK YOU. 25 00:01:09,301 --> 00:01:10,970 I USED TO, FOR A WHILE, 26 00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:13,239 DATE MICHAEL PHELPS' EX-GIRLFRIEND, 27 00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,739 AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE, BUT IT'S TRUE. 28 00:01:14,739 --> 00:01:16,976 I DATED MICHAEL PHELPS' EX-GIRLFRIEND. 29 00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:18,577 AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING 30 00:01:18,577 --> 00:01:21,113 ABOUT FUCKING MICHAEL PHELPS' EX-GIRLFRIEND. 31 00:01:21,113 --> 00:01:22,015 YOU PUT NO EFFORT IN, 32 00:01:23,015 --> 00:01:25,518 'CAUSE NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING HER, 33 00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:26,019 YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HER AS GOOD 34 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,289 AS THE GREATEST OLYMPIAN THAT'S EVER LIVED. 35 00:01:30,289 --> 00:01:33,325 THIS GUY'S 6'8", HAS SIZE 20 FEET, 36 00:01:33,325 --> 00:01:36,262 AND HOLDS HIS BREATH FOR A LIVING, RIGHT? 37 00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:39,498 HE BURNS 10,000 CALORIES A DAY. 38 00:01:39,498 --> 00:01:41,767 YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST FUCKING HER AND DRINKING RED BULL 39 00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:44,303 AND EATING CHOCOLATE BARS, 40 00:01:44,303 --> 00:01:46,272 AND I'M THERE COUGHING CIGARETTE PHLEGM UP 41 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:47,178 ON HER BACK. 42 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:55,147 AND SHE ALWAYS USED MIKE AGAINST ME. 43 00:01:55,147 --> 00:01:58,684 I CALL HIM MIKE NOW. 44 00:01:58,684 --> 00:02:00,519 SHE'D GO, "MIKE BOUGHT ME THIS HANDBAG. 45 00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:01,986 MIKE BOUGHT ME THESE SHOES." 46 00:02:01,986 --> 00:02:03,289 AND I'D BE LIKE, "MIKE LOOKS LIKE 47 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,825 "HE HAS DOWN SYNDROME. 48 00:02:06,825 --> 00:02:09,127 WHY DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT?" 49 00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:11,697 AND WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE 50 00:02:11,697 --> 00:02:15,133 THAT I'M NOT A BETTER SWIMMER. 51 00:02:15,133 --> 00:02:17,502 I'VE NEVER TIMED MYSELF. 52 00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:19,538 WHEN I GET IN THE POOL, IT'S FOR PLEASURE, 53 00:02:19,538 --> 00:02:22,307 NOT TO SHOW OFF IN "COMPETITION". 54 00:02:22,307 --> 00:02:24,877 OKAY? I CAN TELL YOU, IF I EVER FINISH A LAP 55 00:02:24,877 --> 00:02:26,345 OF AN OLYMPIC-SIZED POOL, 56 00:02:26,345 --> 00:02:29,381 I'LL BE REALLY, REALLY TIRED. 57 00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:31,050 AND YOU CAN ONLY ASSUME FROM THAT 58 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:35,221 THAT I'VE BEEN GOING EXTRAORDINARILY FAST. 59 00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:37,889 "MIKE TOOK ME HERE. MIKE TOOK ME THERE." 60 00:02:37,889 --> 00:02:41,593 "MIKE CHEATED ON YOU WITH MISS CALIFORNIA, 61 00:02:41,593 --> 00:02:45,166 AND I COULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU." 62 00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:48,767 IT'S NOT THAT I WOULDN'T. 63 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:50,235 [chuckles] 64 00:02:50,235 --> 00:02:52,705 I JUST COULDN'T. IT'S MISS CALIFORNIA. 65 00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:55,741 THAT BITCH HAS GOTTA BE FUCKING TASTY, EH? 66 00:02:55,741 --> 00:02:58,443 LIKE--LIKE, I'M ON THE TV A BIT. 67 00:02:58,443 --> 00:03:02,715 I'M A MINOR CELEBRITY. I COULD FUCK, LIKE... 68 00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:07,186 MISS DELAWARE IS COMING TO MIND. 69 00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:08,020 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE DELAWARE IS, 70 00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:12,394 BUT SHE SOUNDS FUCKING UGLY, MISS DELAWARE, DOESN'T SHE? 71 00:03:15,394 --> 00:03:17,763 BUT I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW. 72 00:03:17,763 --> 00:03:18,964 SHE'S IN THE-- SHE'S IN THE ROOM. 73 00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:20,932 UH, I GOT A GIRLFRIEND. 74 00:03:20,932 --> 00:03:24,103 SHE'S MOVED INTO THE HOUSE. A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. 75 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:26,572 I-I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING 76 00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:29,108 WITH THE LAST 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE. 77 00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:31,776 FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE, 78 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,946 I'VE BEEN TRAVELING AROUND THE WORLD, 79 00:03:33,946 --> 00:03:36,482 HAVING SEX WITH RANDOM WOMEN. 80 00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:38,116 AND MY GIRLFRIEND HAS TAUGHT ME 81 00:03:38,116 --> 00:03:40,419 THAT THAT'S A REALLY SAD WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE 82 00:03:40,419 --> 00:03:42,454 AND KIND OF DEPRESSING. 83 00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:43,555 AND IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW, 84 00:03:43,555 --> 00:03:46,057 'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE FUN. 85 00:03:46,057 --> 00:03:48,394 I, UH-- [laughter] 86 00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:51,896 I REMEMBER A LOT OF SMILING BACK IN THE DAY. 87 00:03:51,896 --> 00:03:54,967 I HAVE VIVID MEMORIES OF HIGH-FIVING A LOT. 88 00:03:54,967 --> 00:03:58,304 I, UH... 89 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:01,806 BUT THANK GOD SHE'S COME ALONG... 90 00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:04,681 TO TELL ME THAT I WAS MISTAKEN. 91 00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:09,982 MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE ASKING, WHY WOULD I WANT 92 00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:11,150 TO SETTLE DOWN? 93 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,950 AND I'M AT THE AGE NOW, 35, 94 00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:14,953 WHERE I'M THINKING OF THE FUTURE. 95 00:04:14,953 --> 00:04:17,423 I WOULD LIKE TO BE A FATHER ONE DAY. 96 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,925 I THINK I WOULD BE A GREAT DAD, I REALLY DO. 97 00:04:19,925 --> 00:04:21,959 I JUST DON'T THINK I'D BE A GOOD HUSBAND, 98 00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:23,696 AND THERE'S A PROBLEM. 99 00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:25,596 UH, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST, LIKE, MEET A WOMAN, 100 00:04:25,596 --> 00:04:26,964 MARRY HER, GET HER PREGNANT, 101 00:04:26,964 --> 00:04:28,267 SHE HAS THE CHILD, AND THEN YOU DIVORCE HER 102 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:29,601 IN THE FIRST YEAR. 103 00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,036 THAT'S AUTOMATIC BAD DAD TERRITORY. 104 00:04:31,036 --> 00:04:32,204 IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY BALL GAMES 105 00:04:32,204 --> 00:04:33,271 YOU TAKE THE LITTLE CUNT TO, 106 00:04:33,271 --> 00:04:34,175 YOU'RE A BAD FUCKING DAD. 107 00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,875 SO I THINK THE ONLY WAY OUT FOR ME 108 00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,112 IS TO, LIKE, MEET A WOMAN, 109 00:04:40,112 --> 00:04:42,714 MARRY HER, GET HER PREGNANT, 110 00:04:42,714 --> 00:04:44,983 SHE HAS THE CHILD, 111 00:04:44,983 --> 00:04:48,120 AND THEN IF SHE COULD DIE, 112 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,355 THAT--THAT WOULD REALLY HELP ME OUT. 113 00:04:50,355 --> 00:04:53,492 'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOUR KID COULDN'T HATE YOU THEN, 114 00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:54,026 BECAUSE "I'M DOING MY BEST! YOUR MUM'S DEAD!" 115 00:04:55,026 --> 00:04:56,865 YOU KNOW? 116 00:04:59,865 --> 00:05:03,334 BUT I'VE LOOKED INTO IT, AND... 117 00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:05,069 NOT AS EASY AS YOU MIGHT THINK. 118 00:05:05,069 --> 00:05:06,904 IT TURNS OUT THAT TERMINALLY ILL WOMEN 119 00:05:06,904 --> 00:05:08,639 DON'T WANT TO GET PREGNANT. 120 00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:10,341 THEY'RE ALL ABOUT THEM AND WHAT THEY'RE UP TO 121 00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:12,543 AND THEIR ISSUES, YOU KNOW? 122 00:05:12,543 --> 00:05:14,680 THE TERMINALLY ILL ARE VERY FUCKING HIGH MAINTENANCE, 123 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,483 IF YOU ASK ME, SO... 124 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:20,252 I NEED TO FIND A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW SHE'S DYING, 125 00:05:20,252 --> 00:05:22,420 AND THAT'S A WHOLE NEW SET OF COMPLICATIONS. 126 00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:25,557 SO I NEED TO BEFRIEND A DOCTOR. 127 00:05:25,557 --> 00:05:27,392 THAT DOCTOR WILL HAVE, LIKE, A CANCEROUS WOMAN 128 00:05:27,392 --> 00:05:28,894 COME INTO HIS OFFICE, AND HE'LL BE LIKE, 129 00:05:28,894 --> 00:05:30,896 "OH, YOU'RE FINE. GET OUTTA HERE. 130 00:05:30,896 --> 00:05:32,730 "YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME. 131 00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:35,199 CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WEIGHT LOSS." 132 00:05:35,199 --> 00:05:38,069 THEN... [laughter] 133 00:05:38,069 --> 00:05:40,738 HE'LL RING ME UP AND GO, "I'VE GOT ONE!" 134 00:05:40,738 --> 00:05:44,343 AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YAY!" 135 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,711 AND THEN I'LL GIVE HIM A COUPLE OF FREE TICKETS TO A SHOW. 136 00:05:46,711 --> 00:05:48,213 WE'D CALL IT EVEN. 137 00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:51,949 THEN I'D MEET THE GIRL, APPEAR REALLY CHARMING, 138 00:05:51,949 --> 00:05:53,851 I'D GET HER MARRIED, 139 00:05:53,851 --> 00:05:55,052 I'D GET HER PREGNANT, 140 00:05:55,052 --> 00:05:57,055 SHE'D HAVE THE CHILD, 141 00:05:57,055 --> 00:05:59,591 AND THEN IF SHE COULD DIE, 142 00:05:59,591 --> 00:06:03,095 THAT WOULD GET ME OUT OF A BIND. 143 00:06:03,095 --> 00:06:05,130 LIKE, I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE DURING CHILDBIRTH. 144 00:06:05,130 --> 00:06:07,098 I'M NOT A FUCKING ANIMAL, YOU KNOW? 145 00:06:07,098 --> 00:06:09,367 LIKE-- LIKE A FEW YEARS LATER, 146 00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:11,235 AFTER THE KID COULD WALK, AND TALK, 147 00:06:11,235 --> 00:06:13,271 AND WIPE ITS OWN ASS, AND OPEN THE FRIDGE, 148 00:06:13,271 --> 00:06:15,476 AND TAKE CARE OF ITSELF TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. 149 00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:19,877 AND I'M THINKING I WANT A DAUGHTER. 150 00:06:19,877 --> 00:06:21,279 I THINK THAT WOULD SUIT ME, 151 00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:22,980 TO HAVE A LITTLE THREE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, ELIZA. 152 00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:24,149 I'VE ALREADY NAMED HER. 153 00:06:24,149 --> 00:06:26,651 SO PICTURE ME, JIM JEFFERIES, 154 00:06:26,651 --> 00:06:29,454 WITH LITTLE ELIZA, STRUGGLING THROUGH LIFE, EH? 155 00:06:29,454 --> 00:06:31,456 JUST THE TWO OF US. THE MUM'S FUCKING DEAD. 156 00:06:31,456 --> 00:06:34,125 SHE'S LONG GONE. IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US. 157 00:06:34,125 --> 00:06:35,461 I DO WHAT I CAN. 158 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,095 I TAKE HER ON THE ROAD WITH ME BECAUSE 159 00:06:37,095 --> 00:06:38,630 [tearful voice] I CAN'T LEAVE HER WITH ANYONE. 160 00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,064 SHE'S ALL I'VE GOT LEFT. 161 00:06:40,064 --> 00:06:44,303 [laughs heartily] 162 00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,971 I'M FUCKING ADORABLE. 163 00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:48,973 THERE ISN'T A WOMAN IN THIS ROOM 164 00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,942 THAT DOESN'T WANT TO SUCK THAT GUY'S COCK. 165 00:06:50,942 --> 00:06:55,247 THAT'S ABOUT AS SEXY AS I GET, WITH A DEAD FUCKING WIFE, 166 00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:59,250 RAISING A LITTLE GIRL. 167 00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:02,154 AND I WOULD PLAY THAT CARD EVERY SINGLE DAY AS WELL. 168 00:07:02,154 --> 00:07:05,156 I-I'D BE, LIKE, IN A DINER WITH LITTLE ELIZA, 169 00:07:05,156 --> 00:07:06,992 AND AS THE HOT WAITRESS WALKED BY, I'D GO, 170 00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:10,000 "NO, MUMMY'S NEVER COMING BACK." 171 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,535 AND THEN WHEN THE WAITRESS CAME UP, I'D GO, 172 00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:19,670 "NO, NO, NO. NOTHING FOR ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 173 00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:24,144 "BUT I THINK SOMEONE MIGHT LIKE AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE. 174 00:07:26,144 --> 00:07:29,014 "IT'S HER FIRST BIRTHDAY WITHOUT HER MOTHER. 175 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,884 "NO, NO, NO. NO, IT'S OKAY. 176 00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:36,654 "WE'RE--WE'RE OKAY. 177 00:07:36,654 --> 00:07:39,458 "SOMETIMES... 178 00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:42,367 I THINK SHE TAKES CARE OF ME." 179 00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,702 YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE HAPPENING LATER ON THAT EVENING? 180 00:07:50,702 --> 00:07:51,970 I'D BE GETTING MY DICK SUCKED 181 00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,081 AND A FREE SUNDAE. 182 00:08:03,081 --> 00:08:05,918 AND I'D RAISE THAT KID GOOD TOO. 183 00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,485 NO FUCKING AROUND. 184 00:08:07,485 --> 00:08:11,690 RAISE THAT KID THE SAME WAY THAT I WAS RAISED. 185 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,428 I'D BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT. 186 00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:22,401 MY MOTHER BROKE BOTH MY BROTHER'S LEGS. 187 00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:24,769 NOT BOTH MY BROTHERS. 188 00:08:24,769 --> 00:08:27,572 ONE BROTHER. 189 00:08:27,572 --> 00:08:30,509 BOTH HIS FUCKING LEGS. 190 00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:31,877 SCOTTY WAS UNDER THE BED GOING, 191 00:08:31,877 --> 00:08:33,611 "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL," 192 00:08:33,611 --> 00:08:34,947 AND MUM'S GOING, "GET OUT RIGHT NOW. 193 00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:36,581 YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL," AND HE WAS LIKE, 194 00:08:36,581 --> 00:08:38,884 "NO, I'M NOT. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME." 195 00:08:38,884 --> 00:08:40,251 AND SHE WENT, "YOU DON'T THINK I CAN MAKE YOU?" 196 00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,587 AND THEN SCOTT WENT, "FUCK OFF!" 197 00:08:42,587 --> 00:08:45,591 [audience ohhs] 198 00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:49,698 NOW, GUNTHER WASN'T TAKING THAT. 199 00:08:53,698 --> 00:08:57,936 SHE REACHED UNDER, GRABBED HIM BY THE SHIRT, 200 00:08:57,936 --> 00:08:59,404 PULLED HIM BACKWARDS, 201 00:08:59,404 --> 00:09:01,539 YANKED HIM UPWARDS, SO HIS SHINS SHATTERED 202 00:09:01,539 --> 00:09:05,278 AGAINST THE BED FRAME AND THE FLOOR. 203 00:09:06,278 --> 00:09:08,447 NOW, ON THE UPSIDE, 204 00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:11,883 DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL THAT DAY. 205 00:09:11,883 --> 00:09:14,288 GOT A COUPLE OF EXTRA DAYS OFF TO RELAX. 206 00:09:17,288 --> 00:09:20,057 FUCKING SOFT. YOU'RE SOFT PEOPLE. 207 00:09:20,057 --> 00:09:21,626 I'M TELLING YOU. 208 00:09:21,626 --> 00:09:23,794 YOU KNOW, THIS K-- THIS SELF-ESTEEM 209 00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:26,264 AND GIVING EVERY CHILD A FUCKING MEDAL 210 00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:28,799 IF IT RUNS A RACE, AND IT-- 211 00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:31,303 THERE ARE TWO FUCKING LOTS OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD: 212 00:09:31,303 --> 00:09:33,605 WINNERS AND FUCKING LOSERS, RIGHT? 213 00:09:33,605 --> 00:09:35,139 YOU MIGHT NOT BE A WINNER AT EVERYTHING. 214 00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,942 YOU MIGHT NOT BE A LOSER AT EVERYTHING. 215 00:09:36,942 --> 00:09:38,844 BUT YOU WON'T FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GOOD AT 216 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,279 IF THEY TELL YOU YOU'RE FUCKING GOOD AT EVERYTHING. 217 00:09:42,279 --> 00:09:45,817 RIGHT? 218 00:09:45,817 --> 00:09:49,154 SEE, YOU HERE IN AMERICA 219 00:09:49,154 --> 00:09:50,621 ARE THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY THAT'S EVER BEEN. 220 00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:54,592 YOU'RE COMING NUMBER 27 IN EDUCATION, 221 00:09:54,592 --> 00:09:57,162 AND THAT'S DISGUSTING, RIGHT? 222 00:09:57,162 --> 00:10:00,333 BUT YOU'RE COMING NUMBER ONE IN CONFIDENCE. 223 00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:06,972 SO YOU'RE BREEDING STUPID, CONFIDENT PEOPLE. 224 00:10:07,972 --> 00:10:13,511 THEY'RE THE WORST EMPLOYEES IN THE FUCKING WORLD. 225 00:10:13,511 --> 00:10:16,480 ALL RIGHT? SO THIS WHOLE "WE'RE NUMBER ONE" 226 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,150 SHOULD CALL IT A FUCKING DAY, AMERICA. 227 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,385 CHINA'S COMING TO GET YA. 228 00:10:21,385 --> 00:10:23,989 AND YOU CAN'T STOP CHINA, MATE, 229 00:10:23,989 --> 00:10:26,291 'CAUSE THEY'RE NUMBER ONE IN EDUCATION, 230 00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:29,860 AND THEY'RE THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST IN CONFIDENCE. 231 00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,464 THEIR ENTIRE SOCIETY ROTATES AROUND HONOR, 232 00:10:32,464 --> 00:10:33,999 RESPECT, DIGNITY. 233 00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:37,370 "DO YOUR HOMEWORK. LEARN YOUR FUCKING VIOLIN." 234 00:10:39,370 --> 00:10:41,306 SO WHO DO YOU WANT PUTTING YOUR CAR TOGETHER? 235 00:10:41,306 --> 00:10:43,708 A LITTLE, NERVOUS ASIAN FELLOW WITH A DRILL GOING... 236 00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:45,878 [mimics drill] 237 00:10:46,878 --> 00:10:48,046 OR THIS GUY... 238 00:10:48,046 --> 00:10:50,052 [mimics drill] "PERFECT." 239 00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:55,020 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH THE ASIANS. 240 00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:58,056 IT'S NOT THAT THEY'RE SMARTER. THEY'RE NOT SMARTER. 241 00:10:58,056 --> 00:11:01,726 THEIR INFRASTRUCTURE IS INFINITELY BETTER. 242 00:11:01,726 --> 00:11:04,730 THE ASIANS DO SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T DO. 243 00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:07,331 THEY ACKNOWLEDGE STUPIDITY. 244 00:11:07,331 --> 00:11:09,500 IF YOU HAVE A CLASSROOM OF AMERICAN CHILDREN, 245 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,235 LITTLE JOHNNY ISN'T KEEPING UP WITH THE OTHER KIDS, 246 00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:12,571 WHAT DO YOU DO? 247 00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:15,273 "COME ON, JOHNNY. YOU CAN CATCH UP. 248 00:11:15,273 --> 00:11:17,576 WE BELIEVE IN YOU." 249 00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:19,211 WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY DO IN CHINA 250 00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:22,714 WHEN FUCKING MEIPING ISN'T TOEING THE LINE, EH? 251 00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:24,682 "GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU DUMB CUNT. 252 00:11:24,682 --> 00:11:27,719 "DON'T TALK TO THE SMART KIDS. YOU'RE WEIGHING THEM DOWN. 253 00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:29,587 "GO OVER THERE AND MAKE SOME SHOES 254 00:11:29,587 --> 00:11:32,028 AND HELP OUR ECONOMY, BUT LEAVE THEM ALONE." 255 00:11:37,028 --> 00:11:40,865 YOU DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE STUPIDITY, AND I CAN FUCKING PROVE IT. 256 00:11:40,865 --> 00:11:42,134 WE HAVE 1,000 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. 257 00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,301 BY A SHOW OF HANDS-- 258 00:11:43,301 --> 00:11:44,903 DON'T DO IT IRONICALLY. 259 00:11:44,903 --> 00:11:46,904 DON'T DO THIS SARCASTICALLY. 260 00:11:46,904 --> 00:11:49,875 ONLY DO THIS IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE IT. 261 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:54,078 PUT UP YOUR HAND IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE 262 00:11:54,078 --> 00:11:56,214 YOU HAVE A STUPID CHILD AT HOME. 263 00:11:56,214 --> 00:12:00,552 [scattered laughter] 264 00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:01,787 NONE OF YOU! 265 00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:03,621 WELL, GUESS WHAT? 266 00:12:03,621 --> 00:12:06,626 IT'S STATISTICALLY HIGHER THAN THAT! 267 00:12:08,626 --> 00:12:10,495 BUT YOUR CHILD ISN'T STUPID. 268 00:12:10,495 --> 00:12:12,630 NOT YOUR CHILD. 269 00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:16,601 YOUR CHILD HAS A LEARNING DIFFICULTY. 270 00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:21,072 THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF STUPID. 271 00:12:21,072 --> 00:12:23,475 IF YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY... 272 00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:27,144 LEARNING... 273 00:12:27,144 --> 00:12:29,815 THAT'S WHAT STUPID IS! 274 00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:32,750 IF YOU FIND IT HARD TO PUT INFORMATION 275 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,919 IN YOUR HEAD 276 00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:38,289 AND RECALL IT WHEN YOU NEED IT, 277 00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:41,993 THAT'S TEXTBOOK STUPID. 278 00:12:41,993 --> 00:12:44,830 AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING STUPID. 279 00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:47,298 I'LL TAKE A NICE IDIOT OVER A SMART ASSHOLE 280 00:12:47,298 --> 00:12:51,440 ANY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 281 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,274 BUT LET'S JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THESE PEOPLE. 282 00:12:57,274 --> 00:13:00,011 YOU KNOW, NOW I'VE GIVEN YOU A GOOD POINT, 283 00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:02,147 MANY OF YOU ARE THINKING, 284 00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:05,115 "MAYBE OUR KID IS A DUMB CUNT." 285 00:13:05,115 --> 00:13:06,851 YOU'RE PICTURING HIM IN HIS LITTLE LEAGUE GAME. 286 00:13:06,851 --> 00:13:10,860 HE'S IN THE OUTFIELD, DIGGING A HOLE WITH A STICK. 287 00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,962 I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE IN ONE OF MY OTHER DVDs, 288 00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:20,465 BUT THIS IS HOW YOU FIND OUT IF YOUR KID'S A DUMB CUNT, 289 00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:21,533 ALL RIGHT? 290 00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:24,235 ARE YOU A DUMB CUNT? 291 00:13:24,235 --> 00:13:27,873 IS YOUR WIFE OR YOUR HUSBAND A DUMB CUNT? 292 00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:29,875 GUESS WHAT YOUR KIDS ARE. 293 00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:33,410 YOUR KIDS ARE DUMB CUNTS, JUST LIKE YOU, 294 00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:37,884 EXCEPT THEY'LL ACHIEVE EVEN LESS. 295 00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,985 NOW, DON'T BE UPSET BY THIS INFORMATION, 296 00:13:40,985 --> 00:13:43,221 IF YOU'RE INDEED A DUMB CUNT, WITH YOUR DUMB CUNT SPOUSE, 297 00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:45,222 AND YOUR DUMB CUNT KIDS, AND YOUR DUMB CUNT FAMILY, 298 00:13:45,222 --> 00:13:47,259 WITH YOUR DUMB CUNT FRIENDS, 299 00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:51,897 'CAUSE SOCIETY'S VERY ACCOMMODATING TO DUMB CUNTS. 300 00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:53,597 IN FACT, THERE ARE PLACES 301 00:13:53,597 --> 00:13:56,067 WHERE YOU AND YOUR DUMB CUNT FAMILY 302 00:13:56,067 --> 00:14:01,239 CAN GO ONCE A WEEK AND MEET OTHER DUMB CUNT FAMILIES 303 00:14:01,239 --> 00:14:04,009 AND YOU CAN SING SONGS. 304 00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:07,114 AND IT'S CALLED THE CHURCH, 305 00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:13,918 AND THEY'VE NEVER TURNED AWAY A GROUP OF DUMB CUNTS. 306 00:14:13,918 --> 00:14:16,388 THE CHURCH LOVES DUMB CUNTS. 307 00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,889 DOESN'T LIKE THE SMART, 308 00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:21,860 WHAT WITH THEIR CONSTANT QUESTIONS. 309 00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,695 THE SMART ARE ALWAYS ASKING QUESTIONS, 310 00:14:23,695 --> 00:14:25,734 AND THAT'S LIKE FUCKING CANCER TO RELIGION. 311 00:14:29,734 --> 00:14:33,738 SEE, I BECAME AN ATHEIST WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD. 312 00:14:33,738 --> 00:14:36,140 I REMEMBER THERE WAS AN EXACT MOMENT. 313 00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:39,644 I WAS DIGGING A HOLE WITH A STICK, AND I... 314 00:14:39,644 --> 00:14:43,048 [laughter] 315 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,450 NOW, IF YOU'VE JUST RECENTLY BECOME AN ATHEIST, 316 00:14:45,450 --> 00:14:47,318 TRY TO BE COOL ABOUT IT, RIGHT? 317 00:14:47,318 --> 00:14:49,453 'CAUSE, ESPECIALLY IN THIS COUNTRY, 318 00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,322 PEOPLE USE ATHEISM ALMOST LIKE ITS OWN RELIGION. 319 00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:52,756 RIGHT? 320 00:14:52,756 --> 00:14:54,491 'CAUSE WHEN YOU BECOME AN ATHEIST, 321 00:14:54,491 --> 00:14:55,927 YOU'RE VERY ANGRY BECAUSE YOU--YOU'VE BEEN FED 322 00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:57,629 SO MANY LIES THAT YOU BECOME ANGRY. 323 00:14:57,629 --> 00:15:00,465 RIGHT? SO TRY TO BE WHAT I CALL A GOOD ATHEIST. 324 00:15:00,465 --> 00:15:02,801 I USED TO BE A BAD ATHEIST, RIGHT? 325 00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,769 I, LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, 326 00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:05,004 I DIDN'T GO TO A FRIEND'S WEDDING ONCE 327 00:15:06,004 --> 00:15:07,772 'CAUSE IT WAS IN A CHURCH, 328 00:15:07,772 --> 00:15:09,341 'CAUSE I "WOULDN'T SET FOOT IN A CHURCH," RIGHT? 329 00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,743 AND THEN, LIKE, I COULDN'T GO TO PARTIES, 330 00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:13,445 'CAUSE I'D ALWAYS END UP IN A CORNER 331 00:15:13,445 --> 00:15:16,181 WITH A CHRISTIAN, GOING, "YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT," RIGHT? 332 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:19,018 AND THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW? 333 00:15:20,018 --> 00:15:21,485 SO YOU KNOW WHAT? 334 00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,520 YOU GOTTA LIVE AND LET LIVE IN THIS WORLD. 335 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,926 HAVE THE MAGIC MAN. DON'T HAVE THE MAGIC MAN. 336 00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:29,494 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 337 00:15:29,494 --> 00:15:32,496 AND SINCE I HAVE THIS NEW SUNNY DISPOSITION... 338 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,164 [laughter] 339 00:15:34,164 --> 00:15:35,767 MY LIFE'S REALLY TURNED AROUND. 340 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,003 I GOT MORE FRIENDS. I TOLERATE OTHERS. 341 00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,205 I'M NOW A GODFATHER TO THREE CHILDREN, 342 00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:44,208 AND THAT'S RETARDED. 343 00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,510 'CAUSE THESE PEOPLE KNOW ME, 344 00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,279 AND THEY STILL FUCKING ASK. 345 00:15:49,279 --> 00:15:51,115 THEY STILL COME UP AND GO, "JIM, 346 00:15:51,115 --> 00:15:52,549 WILL YOU BE THE CHILD'S GODFATHER?" 347 00:15:52,549 --> 00:15:55,320 AND I'M LIKE... 348 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,687 "YES." 349 00:15:56,687 --> 00:15:58,389 AND THEN I STAND THERE IN CHURCH 350 00:15:58,389 --> 00:15:59,691 WITH THE PRIEST AND THE PARENTS, 351 00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:01,058 AND THE PRIEST IS HOLDING THE BABY, 352 00:16:01,058 --> 00:16:02,961 AND THE PRIEST TURNS TO ME AND GOES, "JIM, 353 00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,863 "WILL YOU SPIRITUALLY GUIDE THIS CHILD 354 00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:08,133 THROUGHOUT ITS LIFE?" 355 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,136 "SURE." 356 00:16:12,136 --> 00:16:16,240 'CAUSE I HAVE NO PROBLEMS LYING IN CHURCH. 357 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,643 WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? 358 00:16:18,643 --> 00:16:21,379 NOW, THERE ARE TWO REASONS WHY BABIES ARE CHRISTENED. 359 00:16:21,379 --> 00:16:23,380 RIGHT? THERE'S THE REAL REASON, 360 00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,250 WHICH IS THE CHURCH ARE TRYING TO RECRUIT PEOPLE 361 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,720 WHO CAN'T TALK. 362 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,687 THEN THERE'S THE SECOND REASON, THE BIBLE'S REASONS, 363 00:16:30,687 --> 00:16:32,222 GOD'S REASONS. 364 00:16:32,222 --> 00:16:34,893 THIS IS WHY GOD WANTS YOU TO CHRISTEN YOUR CHILD. 365 00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:37,361 BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T CHRISTEN YOUR CHILD, 366 00:16:37,361 --> 00:16:39,230 AND IT DIES IN INFANCY, 367 00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:42,366 IT DOESN'T GET INTO HEAVEN. 368 00:16:42,366 --> 00:16:44,936 AWWW. 369 00:16:44,936 --> 00:16:46,236 SO IF YOU ARE RELIGIOUS, 370 00:16:46,236 --> 00:16:49,673 YOUR GOD SOUNDS LIKE A SUPER GUY, 371 00:16:49,673 --> 00:16:52,577 BUT IF HE LETS ONE DEAD BABY INTO HEAVEN, 372 00:16:52,577 --> 00:16:56,346 THEN HE HAS TO LET ALL THE DEAD BABIES INTO HEAVEN. 373 00:16:56,346 --> 00:16:58,515 AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, HEAVEN'S JUST FILLED 374 00:16:58,515 --> 00:17:01,557 WITH FUCKING DEAD BABIES. 375 00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:09,259 WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE FOR DEAD BABIES! 376 00:17:09,259 --> 00:17:11,695 AND LET'S NOT ACT LIKE THESE BABIES DIDN'T KNOW 377 00:17:11,695 --> 00:17:14,268 WHAT THEY DID. 378 00:17:17,268 --> 00:17:19,938 NOW... 379 00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:22,106 IT'S NOT LOST ON ME 380 00:17:22,106 --> 00:17:23,441 THAT WHEN I TELL A JOKE LIKE THAT 381 00:17:23,441 --> 00:17:25,609 IN FRONT OF THIS MANY PEOPLE, 382 00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:29,213 THAT IN THIS ROOM, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE 383 00:17:29,213 --> 00:17:31,615 THAT THERE'S A COUPLE WHO LOST THEIR CHILD IN INFANCY. 384 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,785 AND I'M A COMEDIAN. I'M MEANT TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. 385 00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:36,988 AND I'VE JUST REMINDED YOU OF THE MOST HORRIBLE THING 386 00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:38,756 THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU, 387 00:17:38,756 --> 00:17:41,792 AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY. 388 00:17:41,792 --> 00:17:45,096 BUT IF YOU WEREN'T SMART ENOUGH 389 00:17:45,096 --> 00:17:46,830 TO GET A PEDOPHILE IN A DRESS 390 00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:51,269 TO PUT A SMALL AMOUNT OF WATER ON THE CHILD'S FOREHEAD, 391 00:17:51,269 --> 00:17:54,743 WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN, RIGHT? 392 00:17:59,743 --> 00:18:02,779 AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, 393 00:18:02,779 --> 00:18:06,416 YOU'RE BAD PARENTS, 394 00:18:06,416 --> 00:18:09,789 AND THAT'S WHY GOD TOOK YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM YOU. 395 00:18:12,789 --> 00:18:14,192 BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL KNOW 396 00:18:14,192 --> 00:18:18,462 THAT GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES, SO... 397 00:18:18,462 --> 00:18:21,435 MAYBE YOU DID. 398 00:18:25,435 --> 00:18:26,503 IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW? 399 00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:27,939 I FEEL A TENSION IN THE ROOM NOW. 400 00:18:27,939 --> 00:18:30,775 PEOPLE ARE STILL... [laughter and applause] 401 00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:32,309 I LIKE IT. I PREFER IT TO LAUGHTER. 402 00:18:32,309 --> 00:18:33,344 I'M USED TO THAT. 403 00:18:33,344 --> 00:18:34,945 I LIKE THIS WEIRD FEELING. 404 00:18:34,945 --> 00:18:36,446 BECAUSE YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I DO. 405 00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:37,882 YOU'VE SEEN MY SPECIALS. YOU BOUGHT A TICKET. 406 00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:41,786 AND FUCKING PEOPLE STILL GET SHOCKED. 407 00:18:41,786 --> 00:18:43,320 RIGHT? I MEAN, THE THING IS, 408 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,522 IT'S NOT MY FANS THAT GET SHOCKED OR UPSET. 409 00:18:45,522 --> 00:18:47,558 THEY KNOW WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING. 410 00:18:47,558 --> 00:18:49,327 THE PROBLEM WITH THESE SHOWS, THOUGH, 411 00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:51,996 IS THAT PEOPLE COME IN GROUPS. 412 00:18:51,996 --> 00:18:54,865 AND THERE'S SOME GUY HERE WHO'S A BIG FAN OF MINE, 413 00:18:54,865 --> 00:18:56,467 AND HE SAID TO SIX OF HIS FRIENDS, 414 00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:59,369 "YOU GOTTA SEE THIS GUY. 415 00:18:59,369 --> 00:19:02,406 WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT FUCKING NIGHT." 416 00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:04,875 AND AT THIS STAGE OF THE SHOW, HE'S GOING, 417 00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:06,846 "OH, NO. 418 00:19:09,846 --> 00:19:12,053 "AWW, KAREN'S HERE. 419 00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:17,893 "KAREN FUCKING LOVES GOD. 420 00:19:21,893 --> 00:19:24,934 I'M NEVER GONNA FUCK KAREN." 421 00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,438 THEN AFTERWARDS, I'LL BE OUTSIDE HAVING A DRINK 422 00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:35,038 AT ONE OF THE BARS AROUND THE PLACE, 423 00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:36,708 AND AFTERWARDS, KAREN WILL SEE ME, 424 00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,276 AND SHE'LL WALK UP TO ME WITH A SMILE LIKE THIS. 425 00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:41,112 SHE COMES UP... 426 00:19:41,112 --> 00:19:42,680 AND THEN, WHEN SHE GETS REALLY CLOSE, 427 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,682 SHE'LL GO, "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!" 428 00:19:45,682 --> 00:19:49,420 AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, NO, YOU DON'T WANT A PHOTO." 429 00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:52,723 RIGHT? 430 00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:56,426 AND THEN HER FR--HER FRIENDS WILL SORT OF DRAG HER AWAY, 431 00:19:56,426 --> 00:19:58,363 AND AS SHE'S BEING DRAGGED AWAY, 432 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,731 SHE'LL YELL SOMETHING OUT LIKE, 433 00:20:00,731 --> 00:20:02,532 "GOD LOVES YOU! JESUS LOVES YOU!" 434 00:20:02,532 --> 00:20:05,435 SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT. 435 00:20:05,435 --> 00:20:07,271 BECAUSE CHRISTIANS HAVE THIS BELIEF 436 00:20:07,271 --> 00:20:10,240 THAT THERE'S A MAN ON A CLOUD THAT LOVES THEM. 437 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,442 LET'S SAY HE EXISTS. 438 00:20:11,442 --> 00:20:12,943 HE DOESN'T FUCKING LOVE YOU. 439 00:20:12,943 --> 00:20:14,878 I'VE HEARD CHRISTIANS SAY THAT MY GOD 440 00:20:14,878 --> 00:20:16,748 LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY. 441 00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:18,650 NO SUCH THING AS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. 442 00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:20,151 THAT'S A LOAD OF FUCKING BULLSHIT. 443 00:20:20,151 --> 00:20:21,818 MY MUM ALWAYS THROWS THAT ONE OUT THERE. 444 00:20:21,818 --> 00:20:24,622 MY MUM ALWAYS GOES, "JIM, I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. 445 00:20:24,622 --> 00:20:25,957 I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY." 446 00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:27,759 AND I ALWAYS THINK TO MYSELF, 447 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:31,962 WHAT IF I CUT ONE OF HER TITS OFF? 448 00:20:31,962 --> 00:20:34,065 WHAT IF--WHAT IF I JUST GOT A RUSTY BLADE 449 00:20:34,065 --> 00:20:36,800 AND STARTED HACKING INTO THAT OBESE WOMAN'S BREASTS? 450 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,737 AND, LIKE, WOULD SHE STILL LOVE ME? 451 00:20:39,737 --> 00:20:41,838 SHE MIGHT. I'M NOT WILLING TO TEST IT. 452 00:20:41,838 --> 00:20:44,842 BUT I CAN TELL YOU FOR SURE-- 453 00:20:44,842 --> 00:20:46,243 I CAN TELL YOU FOR SURE 454 00:20:46,243 --> 00:20:47,944 THAT GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. 455 00:20:47,944 --> 00:20:50,847 I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN YOU A CONDITION. 456 00:20:50,847 --> 00:20:54,085 IF YOU DON'T PUT A SMALL AMOUNT OF WATER 457 00:20:54,085 --> 00:20:56,988 ON A BABY'S FOREHEAD, 458 00:20:56,988 --> 00:21:00,924 IT BURNS FOR ETERNITY. 459 00:21:00,924 --> 00:21:05,630 THAT'S A CONDITION OF A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. 460 00:21:05,630 --> 00:21:08,633 LIKE, IF GOD SHOWED UP AT A PARTY, 461 00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:12,836 HE'D BE THE LEAST-WELCOME PERSON IN PARTY HISTORY. 462 00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:14,605 RIGHT? EVERYONE WOULD BE HAVING A GOOD TIME, 463 00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:17,279 THEN SOMEONE WOULD GO, "DON'T LOOK UP." 464 00:21:22,279 --> 00:21:25,349 "OH, NO. 465 00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:29,386 "GOD'S HERE. 466 00:21:29,386 --> 00:21:32,623 "HEY, GOD. HOW ARE YOU GOING? 467 00:21:32,623 --> 00:21:34,525 WE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE." 468 00:21:34,525 --> 00:21:37,228 "YEAH, WELL, I'M FUCKING EVERYWHERE, AREN'T I? 469 00:21:37,228 --> 00:21:41,699 SO WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T I BE HERE?" 470 00:21:41,699 --> 00:21:43,567 "WELL, GOD, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE. 471 00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:45,202 WE'RE REALLY HAPPY YOU'RE HERE." 472 00:21:45,202 --> 00:21:47,337 THEN GOD'S LIKE, "EVERYONE! 473 00:21:47,337 --> 00:21:49,207 "EVERYONE! 474 00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:50,208 "COULD EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET 475 00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,876 "AND LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW? 476 00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:54,811 "I'VE COME DOWN TO TELL ALL OF YOU 477 00:21:54,811 --> 00:21:57,181 "I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW 478 00:21:57,181 --> 00:22:01,051 THAT I LOVE ALL OF YOU UNCONDITIONALLY." 479 00:22:01,051 --> 00:22:02,686 AND THEY'RE LIKE, 480 00:22:02,686 --> 00:22:04,388 "THANKS FOR THAT, GOD. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT." 481 00:22:04,388 --> 00:22:06,391 AND THEY GO BACK TO THEIR PARTY, AND THEN GOD GOES, 482 00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:10,060 "IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?" 483 00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:11,863 "SORRY, GOD?" 484 00:22:11,863 --> 00:22:13,865 "I JUST SAID I LOVE YOU." 485 00:22:13,865 --> 00:22:17,602 "OH, FUCKING SHIT. YEAH, UM... 486 00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:19,604 WE LOVE YOU TOO." 487 00:22:19,604 --> 00:22:21,538 "GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. 488 00:22:21,538 --> 00:22:23,273 "'CAUSE YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T, 489 00:22:23,273 --> 00:22:26,911 YOU'LL FUCKING BURN, RIGHT?" 490 00:22:26,911 --> 00:22:28,779 "YES, GOD, WE-- WE REALLY LOVE YOU. 491 00:22:28,779 --> 00:22:29,946 WE REALLY LOVE YOU." 492 00:22:29,946 --> 00:22:31,382 "DO YOU LOVE ANY OTHER GODS?" 493 00:22:31,382 --> 00:22:34,117 "NO, WE DON'T. WE REALLY DON'T." 494 00:22:34,117 --> 00:22:35,385 "OKAY, COOL. 495 00:22:35,385 --> 00:22:36,953 "SORRY, EVERYONE. I'M SORRY. 496 00:22:36,953 --> 00:22:41,092 I'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK. I'M SORRY." 497 00:22:41,092 --> 00:22:43,126 AND THEN THEY GO BACK TO THEIR PARTY, 498 00:22:43,126 --> 00:22:44,961 AND OBVIOUSLY GOD'S NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION. 499 00:22:44,961 --> 00:22:46,763 HE PIPES UP AGAIN, 500 00:22:46,763 --> 00:22:50,768 "EVERYBODY, ONE LAST THING. 501 00:22:50,768 --> 00:22:52,135 "I KNOW YOU ALL SAID YOU LOVE ME, 502 00:22:52,135 --> 00:22:53,805 "AND THAT'S REALLY COOL OF YOU. 503 00:22:53,805 --> 00:22:55,573 "I WANT YOU TO DO ONE MORE THING FOR ME NOW. 504 00:22:55,573 --> 00:22:57,208 "I WANT TO POINT OUT 505 00:22:57,208 --> 00:23:00,310 "THAT YOU WON'T BURN IF YOU DON'T DO THIS, 506 00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:01,979 "BUT IT WOULD GO A LONG WAY NOT TO BURNING, 507 00:23:01,979 --> 00:23:03,815 "IF YOU GET MY FUCKING DRIFT. 508 00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:08,251 "ALL RIGHT? IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT... 509 00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:11,392 IF YOU COULD ALL SING SONGS ABOUT ME." 510 00:23:14,392 --> 00:23:16,394 AND THEY'RE LIKE, 511 00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:18,296 "SORRY, GOD?" 512 00:23:18,296 --> 00:23:21,065 "I MADE THE FUCKING WORLD! JUST SING A FUCKING SONG! 513 00:23:21,065 --> 00:23:22,133 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" 514 00:23:22,133 --> 00:23:25,269 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH. 515 00:23:25,269 --> 00:23:27,904 "YEAH, WE CAN DO THIS, CAN'T WE, GANG? 516 00:23:27,904 --> 00:23:29,574 LET'S SING SOME SONGS FOR GOD." 517 00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,174 AND THEY START SINGING SOME GOSPEL MUSIC, 518 00:23:31,174 --> 00:23:32,844 AND TO BEGIN WITH, GOD'S FUCKING DIGGING IT. 519 00:23:32,844 --> 00:23:35,019 HE'S JUST... 520 00:23:43,019 --> 00:23:46,096 'CAUSE LET'S NOT FORGET THAT GOD'S A WHITE GUY. 521 00:23:52,096 --> 00:23:55,942 THEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE SONG, GOD STARTS TO TURN. 522 00:24:04,942 --> 00:24:08,945 "EVERYONE STOP SINGING. 523 00:24:08,945 --> 00:24:12,321 WHO'S THE GUY IN THE PINK SHIRT WHO'S ENJOYING SINGING?" 524 00:24:18,321 --> 00:24:20,825 "OH. 525 00:24:20,825 --> 00:24:23,634 OH, OH, THAT'S BRIAN AND HIS BOYFR--" 526 00:24:30,634 --> 00:24:33,671 "YOU KNOW I HATE FAGGOTS!" 527 00:24:33,671 --> 00:24:37,240 "BUT, GOD, GOD, GOD. CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN. 528 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,808 YOU JUST SAID YOU LOVE EVERYONE." 529 00:24:38,808 --> 00:24:42,712 "NOT FAGGOTS, I DIDN'T!" 530 00:24:42,712 --> 00:24:44,347 AND THEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN. 531 00:24:44,347 --> 00:24:47,484 HE'S LIKE, "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME! 532 00:24:47,484 --> 00:24:51,255 DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU FAGGOT-LOVER!" 533 00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,256 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "GOD, IT'S PROBABLY BEST 534 00:24:52,256 --> 00:24:53,924 YOU JUST LEAVE THIS PARTY." 535 00:24:53,924 --> 00:24:58,395 "YOU'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING BURN. ALL YOU FUCKING CUNTS." 536 00:24:58,395 --> 00:24:59,763 AND HE GOES OUTSIDE, 537 00:24:59,763 --> 00:25:00,031 AND HE'S TRYING TO CALM HIMSELF DOWN. 538 00:25:01,031 --> 00:25:04,402 "I FUCKING HATE FAGGOTS. 539 00:25:04,402 --> 00:25:06,037 "I COULDN'T BE CLEARER ABOUT THIS. 540 00:25:06,037 --> 00:25:10,240 "IT'S IN MY BOOK, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. 541 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,009 "EVERYONE'S GOT THE BOOK. NO ONE'S FUCKING READ THE BOOK. 542 00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:15,746 EVERYONE'S GOT THE BOOK." 543 00:25:15,746 --> 00:25:18,082 THEN HE PASSES, LIKE, A YOUNG COUPLE HOLDING HANDS. 544 00:25:18,082 --> 00:25:19,549 HE'S LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING? YOU SEE THAT TREE? 545 00:25:19,549 --> 00:25:20,617 "I FUCKING MADE THAT SHIT. 546 00:25:20,617 --> 00:25:22,553 "HEY, WAIT. 547 00:25:22,553 --> 00:25:25,423 "WAIT. 548 00:25:25,423 --> 00:25:27,924 "ARE YOU TWO MARRIED? 549 00:25:27,924 --> 00:25:29,794 "NO? 550 00:25:29,794 --> 00:25:32,262 "WELL, DON'T FUCK EACH OTHER. 551 00:25:32,262 --> 00:25:36,436 "I HATE YOUNG PEOPLE FUCKING, AND I HATE FAGGOTS. 552 00:25:39,436 --> 00:25:44,208 "I ALSO HATE PEOPLE EATING SHRIMP. 553 00:25:44,208 --> 00:25:46,911 "I MENTION THAT EIGHT TIMES IN MY BOOK, 554 00:25:46,911 --> 00:25:49,547 "WHERE I ONLY MENTION TWICE THAT I HATE HOMOSEXUALS. 555 00:25:49,547 --> 00:25:52,282 "BUT PEOPLE SEEM TO REALLY ENJOY EATING SHRIMP, 556 00:25:52,282 --> 00:25:55,952 "SO I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT RULE, 557 00:25:55,952 --> 00:25:58,731 BUT I'M STILL VERY CERTAIN I HATE FAGGOTS." 558 00:26:07,731 --> 00:26:09,165 AND EVERYONE'S LIKE, 559 00:26:09,165 --> 00:26:13,336 "I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE, 560 00:26:13,336 --> 00:26:17,107 THIS CONSTANT GLOW I HAVE IN MY HEART." 561 00:26:17,107 --> 00:26:18,675 MY PET HATE WHEN I'M ONSTAGE-- 562 00:26:18,675 --> 00:26:19,977 IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER TOO MUCH IN THIS SHOW 563 00:26:19,977 --> 00:26:21,112 BECAUSE IT'S BEING FILMED-- 564 00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:23,247 BUT I HATE IT 565 00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:24,016 WHEN PEOPLE HAVE THEIR CAMERA PHONE UP 566 00:26:25,016 --> 00:26:26,817 AND THEY'RE VIDEOTAPING MY SHOW WHEN I'M DOING A GIG. 567 00:26:26,817 --> 00:26:28,419 FOR TWO REASONS. 568 00:26:28,419 --> 00:26:30,253 IT SOUNDS SILLY, BUT THE FIRST REASON'S SIMPLE. 569 00:26:30,253 --> 00:26:31,922 THEY'RE MY JOKES, 570 00:26:31,922 --> 00:26:33,356 AND I DON'T WANT YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE INTERNET 571 00:26:33,356 --> 00:26:35,192 BEFORE I GET TO RECORD THEM ON A SPECIAL. 572 00:26:35,192 --> 00:26:39,696 SECOND REASON IS I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF THE EDITING. 573 00:26:39,696 --> 00:26:42,833 YOU KNOW HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO EDIT THAT LAST ROUTINE 574 00:26:42,833 --> 00:26:45,973 DOWN TO, "I HATE FAGGOTS!" 575 00:26:49,973 --> 00:26:51,842 AND THEN--AND THEN I WOULD BE GETTING INTERVIEWED, 576 00:26:51,842 --> 00:26:53,344 AND SOMEONE WOULD GO, 577 00:26:53,344 --> 00:26:54,944 "JIM, WHY DO YOU HATE HOMOSEXUALS SO MUCH?" 578 00:26:54,944 --> 00:26:56,946 AND I'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T HATE HOMOSEXUALS." 579 00:26:56,946 --> 00:26:58,548 AND THEN THEY'D SHOW ME THE CLIP, AND I'D BE LIKE, 580 00:26:58,548 --> 00:27:02,353 "OH, NO. 581 00:27:02,353 --> 00:27:06,990 "AWWW. 582 00:27:06,990 --> 00:27:10,060 "WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS... 583 00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:12,334 I WAS GOD AT THE TIME. 584 00:27:17,334 --> 00:27:21,337 GOD DOESN'T LIKE HOMOSEXUALS." 585 00:27:21,337 --> 00:27:24,040 AND I DON'T HATE GAY PEOPLE. I'M PRO-GAY PEOPLE, MAN. 586 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,044 I-I PROTESTED FOR GAY MARRIAGE. 587 00:27:27,044 --> 00:27:28,813 I BELIEVE VERY STRONGLY IN GAY MARRIAGE. 588 00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,213 I-I BELIEVE IF YOU'RE A PERSON 589 00:27:30,213 --> 00:27:31,981 WHO'S WATCHING THIS SPECIAL RIGHT NOW 590 00:27:31,981 --> 00:27:33,317 AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE, TURN IT OFF. 591 00:27:33,317 --> 00:27:34,751 YOU'RE A FUCKING DICK, 592 00:27:34,751 --> 00:27:36,153 AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. 593 00:27:36,153 --> 00:27:38,756 NOW... [cheers and applause] 594 00:27:38,756 --> 00:27:41,991 AND... [applause continues] 595 00:27:41,991 --> 00:27:45,261 MY REASONING IS SO SIMPLE, RIGHT? 596 00:27:45,261 --> 00:27:47,397 IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE, 597 00:27:47,397 --> 00:27:50,401 YOU'RE A DICKHEAD BECAUSE... 598 00:27:50,401 --> 00:27:53,237 IT'S GOT NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH YOU. 599 00:27:53,237 --> 00:27:54,939 RIGHT? DOESN'T MATTER. 600 00:27:54,939 --> 00:27:56,507 IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO LOVES WHO 601 00:27:56,507 --> 00:27:57,008 OR WHO WANTS TO BE WITH WHO. 602 00:27:58,008 --> 00:27:59,577 IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. 603 00:27:59,577 --> 00:28:01,278 NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. 604 00:28:01,278 --> 00:28:03,513 IF YOU HATE GAY MARRIAGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO? 605 00:28:03,513 --> 00:28:08,085 DON'T MARRY A GAY PERSON. 606 00:28:08,085 --> 00:28:10,086 THAT'LL BE YOUR LITTLE WAY OF GETTING AROUND IT. 607 00:28:10,086 --> 00:28:13,628 THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW THE GAYS, EH? 608 00:28:18,628 --> 00:28:20,364 I'D LIKE TO BE GAY. 609 00:28:20,364 --> 00:28:22,799 IT'D FUCKING SUIT ME. 610 00:28:22,799 --> 00:28:24,234 I'M THIS CL-- 611 00:28:24,234 --> 00:28:27,938 I STUDIED MUSICAL THEATER AT UNIVERSITY. 612 00:28:27,938 --> 00:28:31,875 I'M WEARING LEATHER WITHOUT A SHIRT UNDERNEATH. 613 00:28:31,875 --> 00:28:34,279 [cheers and applause] 614 00:28:36,279 --> 00:28:38,449 I WOULD LOVE TO BE GAY. 615 00:28:38,449 --> 00:28:41,085 I TELL YOU WHY. 'CAUSE I'M A MAN'S MAN. 616 00:28:41,085 --> 00:28:44,622 I LIKE MEN. MEN LIKE ME. 617 00:28:44,622 --> 00:28:47,290 WE LIKE EACH OTHER. 618 00:28:47,290 --> 00:28:50,661 I HATE WOMEN. 619 00:28:50,661 --> 00:28:53,730 WOMEN HATE ME. 620 00:28:53,730 --> 00:28:56,267 WE HATE EACH OTHER. 621 00:28:56,267 --> 00:28:58,301 THE ONLY REASON I COULDN'T BE GAY 622 00:28:58,301 --> 00:29:01,105 IS 'CAUSE I COULD NEVER FUCK A MAN. 623 00:29:01,105 --> 00:29:04,944 'CAUSE I COULD NEVER FUCK SOMETHING THAT I RESPECT. 624 00:29:07,944 --> 00:29:11,915 [laughs] 625 00:29:11,915 --> 00:29:16,353 THAT'S A GOOD FUCKING JOKE, EH? THAT'S A GOOD JOKE. 626 00:29:16,353 --> 00:29:17,988 YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT JOKE-- 627 00:29:17,988 --> 00:29:22,859 THAT JOKE'S WHAT I CALL AN AWKWARD CAR RIDE HOME. 628 00:29:22,859 --> 00:29:24,828 YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN ARE GONNA BE DRIVING HOME 629 00:29:24,828 --> 00:29:26,529 WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS OR WIVES THIS EVENING, 630 00:29:26,529 --> 00:29:27,597 AND THEY HAVE TO DO THIS ONE-- 631 00:29:27,597 --> 00:29:29,465 THEY GOTTA GO, 632 00:29:29,465 --> 00:29:32,869 "WHAT JOKE? 633 00:29:32,869 --> 00:29:37,775 "OH, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT JOKE. 634 00:29:37,775 --> 00:29:41,511 "I LAUGHED AT IT? ME? 635 00:29:41,511 --> 00:29:46,549 "THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ME. 636 00:29:46,549 --> 00:29:51,121 "YOU--YOU'RE SAYING I STOOD UP AND CLAPPED? 637 00:29:51,121 --> 00:29:55,291 "I-I-I WAS PROBABLY LAUGHING ABOUT THE JOKE BEFORE IT, 638 00:29:55,291 --> 00:29:58,028 "WHERE--WHERE-- WHERE GOD HATED HOMOSEXUALS. 639 00:29:59,028 --> 00:30:00,830 "HOW DID I KNOW THAT THAT JOKE WAS BEFORE IT 640 00:30:00,830 --> 00:30:03,907 "IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THIS JOKE EVEN EXISTED? 641 00:30:10,907 --> 00:30:13,380 YOUR MOTHER'S A CUNT." 642 00:30:16,380 --> 00:30:20,183 [laughs] 643 00:30:20,183 --> 00:30:21,885 LET'S TELL SOME STORIES. 644 00:30:21,885 --> 00:30:24,355 NOW. 645 00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:28,692 THIS FIRST STORY... 646 00:30:28,692 --> 00:30:30,361 THE FIRST BIT OF THIS STORY YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW, 647 00:30:30,361 --> 00:30:33,897 IN THE SAME WAY THAT YOU KNOW THINGS LIKE 648 00:30:33,897 --> 00:30:35,000 "DON'T KILL PEOPLE." 649 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,170 "TRY NOT TO RAPE." 650 00:30:40,170 --> 00:30:41,771 WHEN YOU'RE ON AN AIRPLANE, 651 00:30:41,771 --> 00:30:43,840 THERE'S A THING CALLED PLANE ETIQUETTE, 652 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,675 AND IT GOES LIKE THIS: 653 00:30:45,675 --> 00:30:48,913 WINDOW GETS AN ARMREST AND A WALL. 654 00:30:48,913 --> 00:30:51,414 MIDDLE GETS TWO ARMRESTS. 655 00:30:51,414 --> 00:30:54,019 AISLE GETS AN ARMREST AND A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA LEG. 656 00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:56,753 WE'RE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS. 657 00:30:56,753 --> 00:31:00,423 WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY. 658 00:31:00,423 --> 00:31:02,960 SO I WAS ON A FLIGHT FROM LOS ANGELES TO HOUSTON, 659 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:06,630 AND I HAD THE MIDDLE SEAT, AND THAT SUCKS BALLS. 660 00:31:06,630 --> 00:31:08,231 SO I'M SITTING THERE WITH MY TWO ARMRESTS. 661 00:31:08,231 --> 00:31:09,599 NEXT TO ME IS A PETITE YOUNG LADY. 662 00:31:09,599 --> 00:31:11,101 SHE'S DOING HER JOB, ARMREST, WALL. 663 00:31:11,101 --> 00:31:12,736 I'M IN THE MIDDLE, TWO ARMRESTS. 664 00:31:12,736 --> 00:31:15,873 SITTING NEXT TO ME HERE IS A GREAT BIG BLACK MAN 665 00:31:15,873 --> 00:31:19,108 WHO'S AS GAY AS THE DAY IS LONG. 666 00:31:19,108 --> 00:31:22,378 HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME, AND WE DO THE NICETIES. 667 00:31:22,378 --> 00:31:24,914 "HELLO." "HELLO." 668 00:31:24,914 --> 00:31:26,416 AND THEN, WITH NO ISSUE WHATSOEVER, 669 00:31:26,416 --> 00:31:28,986 HE SEES MY ELBOW THERE, AND HE JUST WENT--JOCK. 670 00:31:28,986 --> 00:31:31,755 AND I WENT... 671 00:31:31,755 --> 00:31:34,557 NOW, I'M PRETTY UPSET, BUT HE'S A BIG FUCKING GUY, 672 00:31:34,557 --> 00:31:36,059 AND IT'S A LONG FLIGHT, 673 00:31:36,059 --> 00:31:37,795 SO THERE'S NO NEED TO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT. 674 00:31:37,795 --> 00:31:39,963 SO I HAVE THAT ARGUMENT THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEAD 675 00:31:39,963 --> 00:31:41,632 WHERE THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T KNOW 676 00:31:41,632 --> 00:31:43,733 YOU'RE HAVING AN ARGUMENT, WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, 677 00:31:43,733 --> 00:31:45,134 "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, 678 00:31:45,134 --> 00:31:46,971 "AND IF YOU SAID THIS, THEN I WOULD SAY, 679 00:31:46,971 --> 00:31:48,939 'WELL, GOOD SIR, I THINK YOU'RE MISTAKEN.'" 680 00:31:48,939 --> 00:31:52,276 RIGHT? 681 00:31:52,276 --> 00:31:54,979 SO I SIT THERE FESTERING FOR, LIKE, 45 MINUTES. 682 00:31:54,979 --> 00:31:56,313 THEN EVENTUALLY, THE AIR STEWARDESS COMES 683 00:31:56,313 --> 00:31:57,914 WITH THE DRINK CART. 684 00:31:57,914 --> 00:31:59,516 NOW, WHILE I'M ON AIR STEWARDESSES, RIGHT? 685 00:31:59,516 --> 00:32:00,951 WHENEVER YOU WATCH A MOVIE SET IN THE '60s 686 00:32:00,951 --> 00:32:02,853 AND THEY SHOW AIR STEWARDESSES, 687 00:32:02,853 --> 00:32:05,321 OR AN OLD TV SHOW--THAT SHOW, LIKE, PAN-AM OR SOMETHING-- 688 00:32:05,321 --> 00:32:06,957 THEY ALWAYS DEPICT AIR STEWARDESSES 689 00:32:06,957 --> 00:32:08,959 AS THESE HOT YOUNG THINGS WITH A PILLBOX HAT, 690 00:32:08,959 --> 00:32:10,493 AND A LITTLE BUN, AND BIG TITS, 691 00:32:10,493 --> 00:32:13,463 AND A SMALL WAIST, AND HAULING A BAG, GOING... 692 00:32:13,463 --> 00:32:15,098 LIKE THAT. 693 00:32:15,098 --> 00:32:18,038 I DON'T THINK ANY OF THOSE WOMEN HAVE RETIRED. 694 00:32:21,038 --> 00:32:23,840 'CAUSE THIS THING WAS JUST 695 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:28,211 BEING PROPPED UP BY THE DRINK CART. 696 00:32:28,211 --> 00:32:30,381 50 YEARS OF RECYCLED AIR 697 00:32:30,381 --> 00:32:32,648 HAD MADE HER SKIN DRIP OFF HER SKULL 698 00:32:32,648 --> 00:32:37,320 LIKE THE END OF RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. 699 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,955 SHE COMES UP. 700 00:32:38,955 --> 00:32:42,526 THE GUY REACHES OVER FOR HIS DRINK AND HIS PRETZELS. 701 00:32:42,526 --> 00:32:44,795 ARMREST OPEN. BANG! 702 00:32:44,795 --> 00:32:46,696 I'M BACK IN. 703 00:32:46,696 --> 00:32:51,535 AND I'M NOT FUCKING GOING ANYWHERE, EITHER. 704 00:32:51,535 --> 00:32:53,904 HE PUTS ALL OF HIS THINGS DOWN ON HIS TRAY, 705 00:32:53,904 --> 00:32:55,638 AND HE GOES TO PUT HIS ELBOW BACK, 706 00:32:55,638 --> 00:32:58,075 BUT HE FUCKING CAN'T, CAN HE? 707 00:32:58,075 --> 00:33:00,210 HE CAN'T 'CAUSE THERE'S A WALL THERE 708 00:33:00,210 --> 00:33:01,511 CALLED JIM JEFFERIES, 709 00:33:01,511 --> 00:33:03,146 AND HE CAN'T FUCKING MOVE IT. 710 00:33:03,146 --> 00:33:04,548 RIGHT? 711 00:33:04,548 --> 00:33:06,049 AND HE'S PUSHING, HE'S PUSHING, 712 00:33:06,049 --> 00:33:07,750 AND I'M ACTING LIKE I CAN'T FEEL IT, 713 00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:10,825 LIKE THIS, BUT CASUAL, LIKE--LIKE... 714 00:33:14,825 --> 00:33:17,094 THEN HE GETS HIS FIST LIKE THIS AND HIS HAND LIKE THAT, 715 00:33:17,094 --> 00:33:19,096 AND HE'S PUSHING REALLY HARD BACK, 716 00:33:19,096 --> 00:33:22,934 AND I'M TRYING TO DO THAT CASUAL. 717 00:33:24,934 --> 00:33:27,070 BUT HE'S MUCH BIGGER THAN ME, AND EVENTUALLY, 718 00:33:27,070 --> 00:33:28,404 I HAVE TO GIVE IN. 719 00:33:28,404 --> 00:33:31,575 I JUST WENT--JOCK. 720 00:33:31,575 --> 00:33:36,547 SO I TURNED TO HIM AND SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. 721 00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:40,250 "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CUNT?" 722 00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:42,920 NOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT WORD IN THIS COUNTRY 723 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,890 ISN'T AS POPULAR AS MAYBE IT SHOULD BE. 724 00:33:46,890 --> 00:33:50,193 PEOPLE WERE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. 725 00:33:50,193 --> 00:33:52,061 THEY WERE GOING, "HE DID. HE JUST SAID IT. 726 00:33:52,061 --> 00:33:55,265 "I HEARD HIM SAY IT. 727 00:33:55,265 --> 00:33:57,601 "CALLED THAT MAN A 'C' BOMB. I HEARD HIM SAY IT. 728 00:33:57,601 --> 00:33:59,869 "BOB, CALLED THE MAN A 'C' BOMB. 729 00:33:59,869 --> 00:34:02,405 BOB." 730 00:34:02,405 --> 00:34:03,740 AND HE WAS SHOCKED AS WELL. 731 00:34:03,740 --> 00:34:05,909 HE TURNED TO ME, AND HE WENT, "EXCUSE ME? 732 00:34:05,909 --> 00:34:07,743 WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" 733 00:34:07,743 --> 00:34:09,947 BUT IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND, RIGHT? 734 00:34:09,947 --> 00:34:11,280 AND I WAS THERE GOING, 735 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,818 "A CUNT, SIR. 736 00:34:14,818 --> 00:34:17,487 I CALLED YOU A CUNT." 737 00:34:17,487 --> 00:34:19,289 AND HE SAID, "ARE YOU UPSET BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING 738 00:34:19,289 --> 00:34:20,791 TO TAKE MY ARMREST?" 739 00:34:20,791 --> 00:34:22,826 AND I WENT, "YOU DON'T KNOW PLANE ETIQUETTE. 740 00:34:22,826 --> 00:34:24,661 "WINDOW GETS AN ARMREST AND A WALL. 741 00:34:24,661 --> 00:34:26,329 "MIDDLE GETS TWO ARMRESTS. 742 00:34:26,329 --> 00:34:28,764 "AISLE GETS AN ARMREST AND A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA LEG. 743 00:34:28,764 --> 00:34:30,099 "WE'RE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS. 744 00:34:30,099 --> 00:34:33,606 WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY." 745 00:34:35,606 --> 00:34:37,807 AND THE PEOPLE THAT INITIALLY HATED ME AGREED WITH ME. 746 00:34:37,807 --> 00:34:39,242 THEY'RE LIKE, "HE IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT. 747 00:34:39,242 --> 00:34:41,478 "THAT IS TRUE. 748 00:34:41,478 --> 00:34:43,579 "THAT IS TRUE. 749 00:34:43,579 --> 00:34:47,650 WE DO LIVE IN A SOCIETY." 750 00:34:47,650 --> 00:34:49,119 AND HE WENT, "OH, I'M ONLY TAKING 751 00:34:49,119 --> 00:34:50,420 "THE BACK OF THE ARMREST. 752 00:34:50,420 --> 00:34:51,922 YOU CAN HAVE THE REST OF THE ARMREST." 753 00:34:51,922 --> 00:34:54,824 AND I WENT, "YOU TAKE THE BACK, 754 00:34:54,824 --> 00:34:57,628 "YOU TAKE THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. 755 00:34:57,628 --> 00:35:02,132 "NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE FRONT OF THE ARMREST. 756 00:35:02,132 --> 00:35:03,699 "NO ONE'S EVER GONE, 757 00:35:03,699 --> 00:35:08,304 'THANKS FOR THE FRONT OF THE ARMREST.'" 758 00:35:08,304 --> 00:35:11,141 I SAID, "IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU'RE TAKING MY ARMREST. 759 00:35:11,141 --> 00:35:14,677 "YOUR ELBOW HAS COME OVER THE ARMREST, 760 00:35:14,677 --> 00:35:17,347 AND IT'S DIGGING INTO MY RIB CAGE." 761 00:35:17,347 --> 00:35:19,782 AND HE SAID, "WELL, MAYBE IF YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT..." 762 00:35:19,782 --> 00:35:20,784 - OH! 763 00:35:20,784 --> 00:35:23,853 - I KNOW. 764 00:35:23,853 --> 00:35:25,789 I WAS-- I WAS GOBSMACKED. 765 00:35:25,789 --> 00:35:27,523 I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING SAY. 766 00:35:27,523 --> 00:35:29,893 I JUST TURNED TO HIM AND WENT, 767 00:35:29,893 --> 00:35:33,864 "YOU BITCHY QUEEN." 768 00:35:33,864 --> 00:35:36,532 NOW EVERYONE ON THE PLANE HAS LOST THEIR FUCKING SHIT. 769 00:35:36,532 --> 00:35:39,369 THE MOVIE--THE MOVIE CAN FUCK OFF, MATE. 770 00:35:39,369 --> 00:35:42,172 NO ONE'S WATCHING THE FUCKING MOVIE. 771 00:35:42,172 --> 00:35:44,307 I'M THE ENTERTAINMENT NOW. 772 00:35:44,307 --> 00:35:46,842 THE AIR STEWARDESS COMES RUNNING BACK 773 00:35:46,842 --> 00:35:48,177 ON HER WALKER. 774 00:35:48,177 --> 00:35:51,547 SHE COMES UP TO US AND SHE GOES, 775 00:35:51,547 --> 00:35:53,182 "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" 776 00:35:53,182 --> 00:35:55,686 AND I SAID, "I WANT THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE AWAY FROM ME!" 777 00:35:55,686 --> 00:35:57,554 AND SHE SAID, "SIR, THIS IS NOT THE SITUATION 778 00:35:57,554 --> 00:35:58,655 TO BE SWEARING IN." 779 00:35:58,655 --> 00:36:00,190 I WENT, "YES, IT IS. 780 00:36:00,190 --> 00:36:02,025 WE'RE HAVING A FIGHT." 781 00:36:03,025 --> 00:36:06,396 AND SHE WENT, "WELL... 782 00:36:06,396 --> 00:36:08,398 THERE'S NO NEED FOR NAME-CALLING." 783 00:36:08,398 --> 00:36:09,733 I CALLED THE GUY A BITCHY QUEEN, 784 00:36:09,733 --> 00:36:11,668 SO I SORT OF GET WHAT SHE'S SAYING. 785 00:36:11,668 --> 00:36:12,869 AND I TURNED TO HER AND SAID, 786 00:36:12,869 --> 00:36:15,572 "YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT. 787 00:36:15,572 --> 00:36:19,076 "THERE IS NEVER A NEED FOR NAME-CALLING. 788 00:36:19,076 --> 00:36:21,077 "BUT... 789 00:36:21,077 --> 00:36:25,282 "AS A PROUD GAY MAN MYSELF... 790 00:36:25,282 --> 00:36:26,449 "I FEEL LIKE I'VE EARNED THE RIGHT 791 00:36:26,449 --> 00:36:29,057 TO SAY SUCH WORDS, SO..." 792 00:36:35,057 --> 00:36:38,561 SHE APOLOGIZED. 793 00:36:38,561 --> 00:36:43,567 THE GAY GUY KNOWS I'M FUCKING LYING. 794 00:36:43,567 --> 00:36:46,076 HE'S FAGGING THE FUCK OUT, JUST... 795 00:36:53,076 --> 00:36:54,710 AND THE AIR STEWARDESS IS SAYING, 796 00:36:54,710 --> 00:36:56,746 "CAN EVERYONE CALM DOWN? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?" 797 00:36:56,746 --> 00:36:58,981 AND HE WENT, "HE'S TRYING TO TAKE MY ARMREST." 798 00:36:58,981 --> 00:37:00,284 AND THE AIR STEWARDESS WENT, "EVERYONE KNOWS 799 00:37:00,284 --> 00:37:02,552 THE MIDDLE GETS TWO ARMRESTS." 800 00:37:02,552 --> 00:37:04,288 AND I WENT, "SEE?" 801 00:37:04,288 --> 00:37:05,655 SHE GOES, "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK YOU TWO UP." 802 00:37:05,655 --> 00:37:07,257 AND SHE POINTED TO THE MAN AND SAID, "SIR, 803 00:37:07,257 --> 00:37:08,925 "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A SEAT 804 00:37:08,925 --> 00:37:11,460 AT THE BACK OF THE PLANE." 805 00:37:11,460 --> 00:37:12,896 I'M VICTORIOUS. 806 00:37:12,896 --> 00:37:14,231 I STAND UP. 807 00:37:14,231 --> 00:37:18,302 I BASH MY HEAD ON THE THING. 808 00:37:18,302 --> 00:37:20,637 I POINT AT THE MAN. 809 00:37:20,637 --> 00:37:24,940 AND I WENT, "GET TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE!" 810 00:37:24,940 --> 00:37:27,344 NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THAT PLANE 811 00:37:27,344 --> 00:37:30,815 HADN'T SEEN THE REST OF THE ARGUMENT. 812 00:37:32,815 --> 00:37:36,952 ALL THEY HAVE SEEN IS ME POINTING AT A BLACK MAN, 813 00:37:36,952 --> 00:37:40,489 YELLING, "GET TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE." 814 00:37:40,489 --> 00:37:44,594 THINGS GOT REAL AWKWARD REAL FUCKING QUICK. 815 00:37:44,594 --> 00:37:47,831 I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I'D DONE YET. 816 00:37:47,831 --> 00:37:50,367 PEOPLE WERE YELLING AT ME, CALLING ME A RACIST, 817 00:37:50,367 --> 00:37:52,369 AND I WAS LIKE... 818 00:37:52,369 --> 00:37:56,275 [tensely] "I KNOW, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?" 819 00:37:59,275 --> 00:38:01,143 THEN A GUY THREW A BAG OF PEANUTS 820 00:38:01,143 --> 00:38:02,679 AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND SAID, 821 00:38:02,679 --> 00:38:04,780 "SIT DOWN, YOU LIMEY BASTARD!" 822 00:38:04,780 --> 00:38:06,849 AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S THE BRITISH! 823 00:38:06,849 --> 00:38:09,623 I'M AUSTRALIAN, YOU FUCKING RACIST!" 824 00:38:14,623 --> 00:38:16,360 WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE A LOT OF SENSE 825 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:18,862 IF BEING BRITISH OR AUSTRALIAN WAS A RACE 826 00:38:18,862 --> 00:38:21,398 AND NOT A NATIONALITY. 827 00:38:21,398 --> 00:38:23,199 BUT AT THAT STAGE, 828 00:38:23,199 --> 00:38:25,902 I WAS CLUTCHING AT STRAWS, REALLY. 829 00:38:25,902 --> 00:38:30,172 SO I GO SIT BACK DOWN IN HIS OLD CHAIR. 830 00:38:30,172 --> 00:38:31,842 WE GOT THE EMPTY SWEET BETWEEN US. 831 00:38:31,842 --> 00:38:35,811 ME AND THE GIRL POUND IT OUT. 832 00:38:35,811 --> 00:38:38,648 NOW, LATER ON THE FLIGHT, 833 00:38:38,648 --> 00:38:41,918 I'M WALKING UP THE BACK OF THE PLANE TO THE TOILET, 834 00:38:41,918 --> 00:38:44,391 AND I WANT TO SEE THE GUY, 'CAUSE I WANT TO GO... 835 00:38:48,391 --> 00:38:49,760 AND I GET ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE. 836 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:50,994 I DON'T SEE HIM ANYWHERE. 837 00:38:50,994 --> 00:38:52,396 I'M ABOUT TO GO IN THE TOILET, 838 00:38:52,396 --> 00:38:54,697 AND THEN I SEE HIS LEG AROUND THE CORNER. 839 00:38:54,697 --> 00:38:56,766 THERE WERE NO MORE SEATS. 840 00:38:56,766 --> 00:38:58,902 THIS IS A FULL FLIGHT. 841 00:38:58,902 --> 00:39:00,904 HE'S SITTING IN THE AIR STEWARDESS' LANDING SEAT 842 00:39:00,904 --> 00:39:03,507 THAT FOLDS DOWN WITH THE SEATBELT OVER THE TOP, 843 00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:07,911 LIKE HE'S IN A FUCKING GO-CART. 844 00:39:07,911 --> 00:39:09,545 I PUT MY HEAD AROUND THE CORNER. 845 00:39:09,545 --> 00:39:14,217 I WENT, "NO ARMRESTS HERE, DICKHEAD." 846 00:39:14,217 --> 00:39:15,385 AND THE AIR STEWARDESS WENT, 847 00:39:15,385 --> 00:39:16,019 "YOU GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT," 848 00:39:17,019 --> 00:39:18,521 AND I RAN AWAY LIKE A CHILD, LIKE... 849 00:39:18,521 --> 00:39:20,429 [laughing giddily] 850 00:39:25,429 --> 00:39:27,797 SO FOR LANDING, I GO AND SIT BACK DOWN 851 00:39:27,797 --> 00:39:29,298 IN HIS OLD SEAT. 852 00:39:29,298 --> 00:39:30,867 NOW, THE AIR STEWARDESS' SEAT IS TAKEN, 853 00:39:30,867 --> 00:39:33,036 SO SHE'S TAKING MY OLD SEAT IN THE MIDDLE, 854 00:39:33,036 --> 00:39:35,938 AND SHE FUCKING HATES ME. 855 00:39:35,938 --> 00:39:38,577 AND I'M TAKING BOTH ARMRESTS. FUCK HER. 856 00:39:41,577 --> 00:39:43,547 AND AS WE'RE LANDING, 857 00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:45,449 THE GUY OVER THE AISLE LEANS OVER AND GOES, 858 00:39:45,449 --> 00:39:48,318 "EXCUSE ME. YOU'RE JIM JEFFERIES, RIGHT?" 859 00:39:48,318 --> 00:39:50,619 AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, MAN. HOW YOU DOING?" 860 00:39:50,619 --> 00:39:53,766 AND HE WENT, "I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GAY." 861 00:40:02,766 --> 00:40:06,235 "FUCKIN' YEAH, MAN. 862 00:40:06,235 --> 00:40:09,478 I-I-I LIKE COCK." 863 00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:18,514 I-I THREATEN ANY, LIKE, FUCKING TECHNO DJ GUY 864 00:40:18,514 --> 00:40:21,617 WHO'S WATCHING THIS SPECIAL... 865 00:40:21,617 --> 00:40:24,154 TO MAKE SOME SONG OUT OF, "I HATE FAGGOTS!" 866 00:40:24,154 --> 00:40:26,822 "I LIKE COCK." 867 00:40:26,822 --> 00:40:28,625 โ™ช DA DA DA DA DA DA โ™ช I HATE FAGGOTS! 868 00:40:28,625 --> 00:40:31,965 โ™ช DA DA DA DA DA DA โ™ช I LIKE COCK. 869 00:40:34,965 --> 00:40:38,802 OH, IT'S GONNA BE POPULAR IN EUROPE. 870 00:40:38,802 --> 00:40:40,936 NOW, THIS LAST STORY 871 00:40:40,936 --> 00:40:42,672 HAPPENED FIVE YEARS AGO 872 00:40:42,672 --> 00:40:46,175 AND INVOLVES A VERY FAMOUS, FAMOUS MOVIE-STAR COMEDIAN. 873 00:40:46,175 --> 00:40:47,811 I WON'T SAY HIS NAME, 874 00:40:47,811 --> 00:40:51,981 AS HE COMES OUT OF THIS STORY VERY POORLY. 875 00:40:51,981 --> 00:40:53,717 FIVE YEARS AGO, I WAS PERFORMING 876 00:40:53,717 --> 00:40:55,851 AT THE JUST FOR LAUGHS COMEDY FESTIVAL IN MONTREAL. 877 00:40:55,851 --> 00:40:57,487 I WAS OUT THERE. 878 00:40:57,487 --> 00:40:59,456 IT WAS BEFORE MY CAREER HAD TAKEN OFF OVER HERE A BIT. 879 00:40:59,456 --> 00:41:02,192 I WAS OUT THERE SUPPORTING A VERY FAMOUS COMEDIAN. 880 00:41:02,192 --> 00:41:04,159 I WAS JUST DOING THE TEN-MINUTE WARM-UP 881 00:41:04,159 --> 00:41:05,028 IN A BIG THEATER LIKE THIS. 882 00:41:06,028 --> 00:41:08,532 AND FOR ME, IT WAS A GREAT STAGE IN MY CAREER, 883 00:41:08,532 --> 00:41:10,634 'CAUSE I'D NEVER BEEN FLOWN OVERSEAS TO DO A GIG. 884 00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,135 I'D NEVER MET A MOVIE STAR. 885 00:41:12,135 --> 00:41:13,702 I'D NEVER PERFORMED IN A THEATER. 886 00:41:13,702 --> 00:41:15,972 IT WAS EXCITING TIMES, YOU KNOW? 887 00:41:15,972 --> 00:41:17,806 I GET TO THE STAGE DOOR AFTER THE GIG, 888 00:41:17,806 --> 00:41:20,342 AND THERE'S LIKE 300 PEOPLE WAITING IN THE ALLEYWAY 889 00:41:20,342 --> 00:41:24,047 JUST TO GET THIS GUY'S PHOTO OR AN AUTOGRAPH OR SOMETHING. 890 00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:26,715 AND I'M STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE LIKE A BIT OF A DOUCHE BAG, 891 00:41:26,715 --> 00:41:29,686 LIKE... 892 00:41:29,686 --> 00:41:32,322 AND THEN THESE TWO 18-YEAR-OLD FRENCH CANADIAN GIRLS 893 00:41:32,322 --> 00:41:33,923 COME UP AND START TALKING TO ME. 894 00:41:33,923 --> 00:41:38,228 NOW, ONE OF THEM'S ALL HOT AND 18 AND WAHHH, 895 00:41:38,228 --> 00:41:39,429 RIGHT? 896 00:41:39,429 --> 00:41:41,831 AND--AND THE OTHER ONE'S MORE... 897 00:41:41,831 --> 00:41:43,904 [makes whooshing sound] 898 00:41:47,904 --> 00:41:49,172 FAT. 899 00:41:49,172 --> 00:41:52,108 SO... 900 00:41:52,108 --> 00:41:53,742 I'M TALKING TO THE TWO GIRLS. 901 00:41:53,742 --> 00:41:55,779 EVENTUALLY, THE MOVIE STAR STOPS DOING PHOTOS 902 00:41:55,779 --> 00:41:57,280 AND HE WALKS OVER, 903 00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,583 AND THE GIRLS LOSE THEIR FUCKING SHIT, RIGHT? 904 00:41:59,583 --> 00:42:01,251 WE GO OUT DRINKING. 905 00:42:01,251 --> 00:42:03,253 IT GETS TO, LIKE, 4:00 IN THE MORNING, 906 00:42:03,253 --> 00:42:04,021 AND THEY YELL LAST ORDERS. 907 00:42:05,021 --> 00:42:07,556 NOW, EVERY MAN KNOWS THIS MOMENT IN THE NIGHT. 908 00:42:07,556 --> 00:42:09,592 YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON A GIRL FOR HOURS. 909 00:42:09,592 --> 00:42:11,260 YOU HAVEN'T CLOSED THE DEAL. 910 00:42:11,260 --> 00:42:12,762 THEY'VE TURNED THE LIGHTS ON, 911 00:42:12,762 --> 00:42:14,563 THEY'VE YELLED LAST ORDERS, 912 00:42:14,563 --> 00:42:16,298 AND YOU'RE IN THAT PRESSURE COOKER OF TIME 913 00:42:16,298 --> 00:42:19,436 WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO, "UH, YOU WANNA FUCK?" 914 00:42:19,436 --> 00:42:21,371 RIGHT? SO... 915 00:42:21,371 --> 00:42:23,106 I'M GONNA LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET, 916 00:42:23,106 --> 00:42:24,773 WHICH A LOT OF COMEDIANS DON'T. 917 00:42:24,773 --> 00:42:26,643 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DID IN THIS SITUATION. 918 00:42:26,643 --> 00:42:28,244 I SAID TO THE GIRLS-- I SAID, "HEY. 919 00:42:28,244 --> 00:42:29,478 LET'S STAY OUT DRINKING." 920 00:42:29,478 --> 00:42:31,047 AND THE GIRLS GO, "WE CAN'T. 921 00:42:31,047 --> 00:42:32,449 ALL THE BARS ARE SHUT." 922 00:42:32,449 --> 00:42:35,217 AND I SAID, "NOT THE BAR BACK AT OUR HOTEL. 923 00:42:35,217 --> 00:42:38,054 THE BAR AT OUR HOTEL IS STILL OPEN." 924 00:42:38,054 --> 00:42:40,923 NOW, I SHOULD MENTION AT THIS STAGE OF THE STORY 925 00:42:40,923 --> 00:42:44,293 THAT I KNEW FULL WELL THAT THE BAR AT THE HOTEL 926 00:42:44,293 --> 00:42:46,795 WAS NOT OPEN. 927 00:42:46,795 --> 00:42:48,965 WE GET BACK TO THE HOTEL, THE BAR IS SHUT, 928 00:42:48,965 --> 00:42:52,635 AND I'M LIKE THIS, "OH, NO! 929 00:42:52,635 --> 00:42:56,271 "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. 930 00:42:56,271 --> 00:42:59,074 THANK FUCK I HAVE DRINKS UP IN MY ROOM." 931 00:42:59,074 --> 00:43:00,610 AND THEN THE GIRLS COME UP TO THE ROOM, 932 00:43:00,610 --> 00:43:03,282 AND THE SPIDER WEB OF DECEIT IS COMPLETE. 933 00:43:07,282 --> 00:43:10,487 NOW, WE'RE ALL UP THERE DRINKING. 934 00:43:10,487 --> 00:43:13,023 AFTER ABOUT 15 MINUTES, THE OTHER COMEDIAN BECOMES 935 00:43:14,023 --> 00:43:16,492 WHAT I CAN ONLY CALL... 936 00:43:16,492 --> 00:43:20,262 RAPEY. 937 00:43:20,262 --> 00:43:22,297 HE WANTED THE TWO GIRLS TO KISS EACH OTHER, 938 00:43:22,297 --> 00:43:23,800 BUT HE WASN'T DOING THAT DRUNKEN, 939 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,168 "HOW 'BOUT YOU TWO START KISSING?" 940 00:43:26,168 --> 00:43:29,672 HE WAS GRABBING THE BACK OF EACH OF THEIR HEADS, 941 00:43:29,672 --> 00:43:32,842 GOING, "DO IT! KISS EACH OTHER! DO IT!" 942 00:43:32,842 --> 00:43:35,277 NOW, I WAS SORT OF IN AWE OF THIS GUY, 943 00:43:35,277 --> 00:43:37,280 SO I WAS KIND OF NERVOUS, SO I WAS LIKE, 944 00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,516 [awkward] "AWW. 945 00:43:39,516 --> 00:43:42,686 DON'T DO THAT." 946 00:43:42,686 --> 00:43:44,454 BUT THERE'S A BIT OF MY BRAIN GOING, 947 00:43:44,454 --> 00:43:46,655 "BUT IF YOU PULL THIS OFF, I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU." 948 00:43:46,655 --> 00:43:50,193 RIGHT? 949 00:43:50,193 --> 00:43:52,695 THE GUY SORT OF CHECKS HIMSELF VERY QUICKLY, AND HE'S LIKE, 950 00:43:52,695 --> 00:43:54,463 "OH, I'M SORRY, JIM. I'M SORRY, GIRLS. 951 00:43:54,463 --> 00:43:55,699 I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME." 952 00:43:55,699 --> 00:43:57,867 AND WE FORGIVE HIM RATHER QUICKLY. 953 00:43:57,867 --> 00:43:59,369 WE CONTINUE ON DRINKING. 954 00:43:59,369 --> 00:44:02,639 ABOUT 40 MINUTES LATER, WE RUN OUT OF COCA-COLA 955 00:44:02,639 --> 00:44:03,972 TO MIX WITH THE JACK DANIELS, 956 00:44:03,972 --> 00:44:05,742 SO I GO OUT TO THE VENDING MACHINE 957 00:44:05,742 --> 00:44:07,210 TO GET MORE COKE. 958 00:44:07,210 --> 00:44:09,079 I COME BACK IN WITH ALL THESE CANS OF COKE 959 00:44:09,079 --> 00:44:10,547 UNDER MY ARM. 960 00:44:10,547 --> 00:44:12,382 NOW, OBVIOUSLY, SINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY, 961 00:44:12,382 --> 00:44:15,552 THE RAPEYNESS HAS SURGED BACK THROUGH HIS VEINS, 962 00:44:15,552 --> 00:44:17,887 'CAUSE HE NOW HAS ONE OF THE GIRLS 963 00:44:17,887 --> 00:44:19,389 PINNED UP AGAINST THE WALL 964 00:44:19,389 --> 00:44:21,090 AND HE'S TEARING AT HER TOP. 965 00:44:21,090 --> 00:44:24,360 THE OTHER GIRL'S ON HIS BACK TRYING TO FIGHT HIM OFF. 966 00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:29,398 NOW, AS EXCITING AS IT WAS TO SEE MY FIRST RAPE, I-- 967 00:44:29,398 --> 00:44:31,568 [laughter] 968 00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:34,404 I REALLY FELT LIKE I SHOULD INTERVENE, 969 00:44:34,404 --> 00:44:35,739 BUT I WAS NERVOUS. 970 00:44:35,739 --> 00:44:37,907 SO I WAS KIND OF LIKE GEORGE MCFLY 971 00:44:37,907 --> 00:44:40,347 FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE. 972 00:44:44,347 --> 00:44:49,219 [imitating George McFly] "HEY, YOU. 973 00:44:49,219 --> 00:44:52,259 YOU GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF HER." 974 00:44:56,259 --> 00:44:58,293 AND HE GAVE ME THE MOST EVIL LOOK 975 00:44:58,293 --> 00:45:00,764 I'VE EVER HAD FROM ANOTHER PERSON. 976 00:45:00,764 --> 00:45:02,264 HE SLAMMED THAT GIRL AGAINST THE WALL. 977 00:45:02,264 --> 00:45:03,766 HE FOUGHT THE OTHER ONE OFF HIS BACK. 978 00:45:03,766 --> 00:45:05,534 AND HE LOOKED AT ME, AND HE GOES, 979 00:45:05,534 --> 00:45:08,773 "I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER WORK WITH ME AGAIN." 980 00:45:10,773 --> 00:45:13,076 "AND YOU GIRLS CAN FUCK OFF AS WELL. 981 00:45:13,076 --> 00:45:14,309 I'M GOING TO BED." 982 00:45:14,309 --> 00:45:15,744 THEN HE STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM, 983 00:45:15,744 --> 00:45:17,112 AND HE SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. 984 00:45:17,112 --> 00:45:19,047 NOW, THE GIRLS ARE ABOUT TO CRY, 985 00:45:19,047 --> 00:45:22,219 SO I'VE GOT TO KEEP THINGS UPBEAT, RIGHT? 986 00:45:24,219 --> 00:45:25,387 YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE WITH A CHILD, 987 00:45:25,387 --> 00:45:26,822 AND THE CHILD'S FALLEN OVER, 988 00:45:26,822 --> 00:45:28,557 AND THERE'S THAT SMALL WINDOW OF TIME 989 00:45:28,557 --> 00:45:30,893 WHERE THE CHILD DOESN'T KNOW IT'S HURT ITSELF? 990 00:45:30,893 --> 00:45:34,797 AND IF YOU JUST GO, "AGGGGH!" 991 00:45:34,797 --> 00:45:39,335 THE KID SORT OF GOES, "OH, NO, WHAT'S HAPPENED?" 992 00:45:39,335 --> 00:45:41,938 SO HE'S STORMED OUT, THE GIRLS ARE ABOUT TO CRY, 993 00:45:41,938 --> 00:45:43,007 AND I'M ACTUALLY GOING, "WHOA-HAAAAA! 994 00:45:44,007 --> 00:45:47,177 "AHHH. SOMEONE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK, 995 00:45:47,177 --> 00:45:48,411 NOW, DIDN'T THEY?" 996 00:45:48,411 --> 00:45:50,179 [chuckles awkwardly] 997 00:45:50,179 --> 00:45:52,581 "DON'T CRY. 998 00:45:52,581 --> 00:45:54,983 "I'M NOT GONNA RAPE YA. 999 00:45:54,983 --> 00:45:57,619 "UH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. 1000 00:45:57,619 --> 00:45:59,521 "LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. 1001 00:45:59,521 --> 00:46:01,690 "I'LL LOCK THE DOOR, OKAY? 1002 00:46:01,690 --> 00:46:03,259 "HE CAN'T GET BACK IN, 1003 00:46:03,259 --> 00:46:04,027 "BUT YOU CAN'T GET OU-- NO, I'M JOKING! 1004 00:46:05,027 --> 00:46:06,329 "I'M JOKING! I'M JOKING! I'M JOKING! I'M JOKING! 1005 00:46:06,329 --> 00:46:08,697 "I'M J-J-J-J--! 1006 00:46:08,697 --> 00:46:11,768 THERE'S NO RAPE." 1007 00:46:11,768 --> 00:46:15,871 SO THE GIRLS CALM DOWN. 1008 00:46:15,871 --> 00:46:18,708 I GO OVER TO A TABLE IN THE ROOM 1009 00:46:18,708 --> 00:46:22,846 AND I START CUTTING UP A GRAM OF COKE. 1010 00:46:22,846 --> 00:46:26,548 NOW, I TURN AROUND TO OFFER THE GIRLS A LINE, 1011 00:46:26,548 --> 00:46:29,853 BUT THE LOOK OF HORROR THAT IS ON THEIR FACES-- 1012 00:46:29,853 --> 00:46:31,387 THESE ARE 18-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. 1013 00:46:31,387 --> 00:46:32,989 THEY'D NEVER SEEN COCAINE. 1014 00:46:32,989 --> 00:46:34,657 I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE TURNED AROUND 1015 00:46:34,657 --> 00:46:38,795 WITH A BELT AROUND MY ARM, HOLDING A NEEDLE, JUST... 1016 00:46:39,795 --> 00:46:41,563 SO AS SOON AS I SAW THEIR FACES, 1017 00:46:41,563 --> 00:46:43,632 I TRIED TO DOWNPLAY THE SITUATION, 1018 00:46:43,632 --> 00:46:45,583 SO I WENT... 1019 00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:05,688 "I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE. 1020 00:47:05,688 --> 00:47:09,559 "THE--THE BAD MAN GAVE IT TO ME. 1021 00:47:09,559 --> 00:47:12,996 IT'S PROBABLY HOR--I'M-- I'M GONNA THROW IT AWAY." 1022 00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:15,498 SO I GENTLY SCRAPE THE COKE BACK INTO THE WRAP, 1023 00:47:15,498 --> 00:47:16,932 AND FOR A MAN WHO'D ALLEGEDLY 1024 00:47:16,932 --> 00:47:18,400 NEVER TAKEN COCAINE IN HIS LIFE, 1025 00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,436 I FOLD THE WRAP UP LIKE AN ORIGAMI NINJA. 1026 00:47:20,436 --> 00:47:22,576 JUST... 1027 00:47:26,576 --> 00:47:28,110 AND THEN I LOOKED AT THE GIRLS, AND I WENT, 1028 00:47:28,110 --> 00:47:31,514 "WELL, I'M OFF TO THE BATHROOM." 1029 00:47:31,514 --> 00:47:34,583 AND I GO TO THE BATHROOM OF MY OWN HOTEL ROOM, 1030 00:47:34,583 --> 00:47:38,954 AND I START DOING COCAINE OFF THE TOILET SEAT. 1031 00:47:38,954 --> 00:47:41,027 I COME BACK OUT A LITTLE BIT MORE CHIPPER. 1032 00:47:45,027 --> 00:47:45,028 I LAY DOWN BETWEEN THE GIRLS. 1033 00:47:46,028 --> 00:47:47,362 EVERY TEN MINUTES, 1034 00:47:47,362 --> 00:47:48,364 I'M GETTING UP AND DOING COCAINE. 1035 00:47:48,364 --> 00:47:49,865 I'M COMING BACK. 1036 00:47:49,865 --> 00:47:51,467 I'M STILL DRINKING WHISKEY AFTER WHISKEY. 1037 00:47:51,467 --> 00:47:54,237 SO I'M DRUNK, PLUS I'M COKED UP, 1038 00:47:54,237 --> 00:47:56,706 BUT I'M TRYING TO ACT LIKE I'M NOT COKED UP, 1039 00:47:56,706 --> 00:47:58,206 AND SO I'M TRYING TO HIDE EVERYTHING 1040 00:47:58,206 --> 00:47:59,608 IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS, 1041 00:47:59,608 --> 00:48:01,143 AND THAT'S GIVING ME THE APPEARANCE 1042 00:48:01,143 --> 00:48:04,313 OF CEREBRAL PALSY. 1043 00:48:04,313 --> 00:48:07,327 'CAUSE I'M JUST LYING BETWEEN THE GIRLS GOING... 1044 00:48:17,327 --> 00:48:20,096 AND THEN THE HOT GIRL GOES TO THE BATHROOM, 1045 00:48:20,096 --> 00:48:21,731 AND THE BIG GIRL GETS ON TOP OF ME 1046 00:48:21,731 --> 00:48:23,266 AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH ME. 1047 00:48:23,266 --> 00:48:25,168 AND I'M SO WASTED, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 1048 00:48:25,168 --> 00:48:27,603 I'M TAKING ALL COMERS. I'M LIKE, "AHH. 1049 00:48:27,603 --> 00:48:30,273 "BIG FAT PERSON. AHH, AHH, AHH. 1050 00:48:30,273 --> 00:48:31,641 AHH, AHH." 1051 00:48:31,641 --> 00:48:34,612 IT'S LIKE EXTRA PERSON, RIGHT? 1052 00:48:37,612 --> 00:48:39,315 AND THEN THE HOT GIRL COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM 1053 00:48:39,315 --> 00:48:40,817 AND THE BIG GIRL GETS OFF ME 1054 00:48:40,817 --> 00:48:42,117 AS THOUGH NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. 1055 00:48:42,117 --> 00:48:43,686 SHE MAKES A HELL OF A SOUND. 1056 00:48:43,686 --> 00:48:46,621 AND THEN THE BIG GIRL GOES TO THE BATHROOM, 1057 00:48:46,621 --> 00:48:48,190 AND THE HOT GIRL STARTS MAKING OUT WITH ME, 1058 00:48:48,190 --> 00:48:51,994 OR I START MAKING OUT WITH HER-- WHO CAN REMEMBER? 1059 00:48:51,994 --> 00:48:54,297 SO WHEN THE OTHER GIRL COMES BACK FROM THE BATHROOM, 1060 00:48:54,297 --> 00:48:58,034 I SPRING TO THE END OF THE BED, AND I WENT, "LOOK. 1061 00:48:58,034 --> 00:49:00,536 "HERE'S THE DEAL. 1062 00:49:00,536 --> 00:49:03,338 "WE'VE ALL BEEN MAKING OUT. 1063 00:49:03,338 --> 00:49:06,442 WE SHOULD ALL GET NAKED AND FUCK." 1064 00:49:06,442 --> 00:49:08,344 AND THE BIG GIRL'S ALREADY TAKING OFF HER TOP, 1065 00:49:08,344 --> 00:49:10,545 LIKE, "YEAH, LET'S DO THIS!" 1066 00:49:10,545 --> 00:49:13,048 AND THE HOT GIRL GOES, "I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT." 1067 00:49:13,048 --> 00:49:14,951 SO I POINT AT THE BIG GIRL, AND I WENT, 1068 00:49:14,951 --> 00:49:18,329 "YOUR JOB IS TO CONVINCE HER. 1069 00:49:27,329 --> 00:49:28,634 I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM." 1070 00:49:31,634 --> 00:49:35,170 SO I GO TO THE BATHROOM. 1071 00:49:35,170 --> 00:49:39,342 I DO ANOTHER FAT LINE OF CHARLIE. 1072 00:49:39,342 --> 00:49:41,811 I PEER OUT THE BATHROOM DOOR. THE TWO GIRLS ARE NAKED. 1073 00:49:41,811 --> 00:49:43,012 I'M EXCITED, BUT I'VE NEVER HAD A THREESOME BEFORE, 1074 00:49:44,012 --> 00:49:45,581 SO I PANIC A LITTLE BIT. 1075 00:49:45,581 --> 00:49:48,217 SO I JUMP BACK INTO THE BATHROOM IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. 1076 00:49:48,217 --> 00:49:50,420 I'M LIKE, "HA-HA! 1077 00:49:50,420 --> 00:49:53,489 "THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT! 1078 00:49:53,489 --> 00:49:54,891 "40 MINUTES AGO, 1079 00:49:54,891 --> 00:49:58,760 "THERE WAS GONNA BE A RAPE IN THIS ROOM. 1080 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,099 I'VE REALLY TURNED THINGS AROUND." 1081 00:50:04,099 --> 00:50:05,835 AND THEN MY BRAIN GOES, 1082 00:50:05,835 --> 00:50:07,737 "YOU'VE JUST TAKEN A GRAM OF COKE IN 40 MINUTES," 1083 00:50:07,737 --> 00:50:10,206 AND I LOOK DOWN, AND MY COCK'S SHRIVELED UP LIKE A WALNUT, 1084 00:50:10,206 --> 00:50:12,708 AND I'M LIKE, "OH, NO!" 1085 00:50:12,708 --> 00:50:14,911 AND I START HITTING IT LIKE IT OWES ME MONEY. 1086 00:50:14,911 --> 00:50:16,445 I'M TRYING TO REASON WITH IT. 1087 00:50:16,445 --> 00:50:18,780 "COME ON, IT'S TWO 18-YEAR-OLDS. 1088 00:50:18,780 --> 00:50:21,516 THIS IS WHAT WE'VE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT." 1089 00:50:21,516 --> 00:50:22,784 I'M STRETCHING IT, 1090 00:50:22,784 --> 00:50:24,086 TRYING TO GET BLOOD FLOW BACK INTO IT, 1091 00:50:24,086 --> 00:50:25,621 BUT I'VE GOT NOTHING. 1092 00:50:25,621 --> 00:50:27,289 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT WHEN I TAKE COKE, 1093 00:50:27,289 --> 00:50:30,460 I BLOAT OUT AND I SWEAT LIKE A BEAST. 1094 00:50:30,460 --> 00:50:32,527 AND I'VE GOT ALL FAT AND SWEATY 1095 00:50:32,527 --> 00:50:36,398 WITH THIS GNARLY LITTLE FUCKING COCK. 1096 00:50:36,398 --> 00:50:38,134 MY MOUTH'S LIKE COTTON, 1097 00:50:38,134 --> 00:50:40,208 AND I'M JUST LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR LIKE... 1098 00:50:46,208 --> 00:50:49,313 "THIS IS YOU." 1099 00:50:50,313 --> 00:50:51,880 SO I JUST OWNED IT. 1100 00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,721 AND I JUST WALK OUT ALL FAT AND GROSS, LIKE... 1101 00:50:58,721 --> 00:51:01,990 "HELLO, LADIES." 1102 00:51:01,990 --> 00:51:04,159 THE BIG GIRL'S GOING DOWN ON THE HOT GIRL. 1103 00:51:04,159 --> 00:51:06,896 THE HOT GIRL'S HEAD'S AT THE END OF THE BED. 1104 00:51:06,896 --> 00:51:10,500 SO I PUT MY FLACCID COCK INTO THE HOT GIRL'S MOUTH, 1105 00:51:10,500 --> 00:51:13,335 WHICH SOUNDS LIKE AN AGGRESSIVE MOVE. 1106 00:51:13,335 --> 00:51:15,005 AND IT WAS. 1107 00:51:16,005 --> 00:51:20,409 AND SHE'S SUCKING ON THIS FLACCID WHISKEY-COKE COCK, 1108 00:51:20,409 --> 00:51:21,010 AND I'VE GOT NO DECORUM. 1109 00:51:22,010 --> 00:51:25,780 I'M JUST OVER HER HEAD GOING, "HA-HA, HA-HA!" 1110 00:51:25,780 --> 00:51:29,684 AND MY GUT'S RESTING OVER ONE OF HER EYEBALLS 1111 00:51:29,684 --> 00:51:31,686 LIKE SHE WAS A MEAT PIRATE. 1112 00:51:31,686 --> 00:51:34,923 AND I'M SWEATING PROFUSELY FROM MY FOREHEAD 1113 00:51:34,923 --> 00:51:37,693 INTO THE OTHER OPEN EYEBALL. 1114 00:51:37,693 --> 00:51:39,195 AND AFTER A MINUTE AND A HALF, 1115 00:51:39,195 --> 00:51:41,931 SHE PULLS MY COCK OUT OF HER MOUTH AND GOES, 1116 00:51:41,931 --> 00:51:46,168 "WE'RE NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE!" 1117 00:51:46,168 --> 00:51:48,371 AND YOU KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT AT THAT MOMENT? 1118 00:51:48,371 --> 00:51:51,882 "GOOD CALL." 1119 00:52:00,882 --> 00:52:03,219 I REALLY PUSHED THAT BOAT OUT AS FAR INTO THE HARBOR 1120 00:52:03,219 --> 00:52:06,521 AS MAYBE IT SHOULD'VE GONE, YOU KNOW? 1121 00:52:06,521 --> 00:52:08,724 I JUST WANTED THE GIRLS TO GO HOME. 1122 00:52:08,724 --> 00:52:11,226 I WASN'T GOING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. 1123 00:52:11,226 --> 00:52:13,061 ALL I WANTED AT THIS STAGE OF THE EVENING 1124 00:52:13,061 --> 00:52:15,231 WAS TO HAVE ME COKE WANK. 1125 00:52:15,231 --> 00:52:17,532 NOW, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A COKE WANK IS, 1126 00:52:17,532 --> 00:52:20,235 LET ME EXPLAIN. 1127 00:52:20,235 --> 00:52:23,172 WHEN YOU TAKE ABOUT A GRAM OF COCAINE OR SO, 1128 00:52:23,172 --> 00:52:24,840 AND YOU GET HOME, AND YOU'RE LYING IN BED, 1129 00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:26,175 AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONE, 1130 00:52:26,175 --> 00:52:28,143 AND THE SUN'S ABOUT TO COME UP, 1131 00:52:28,143 --> 00:52:31,713 AND THE DEPRESSION'S ABOUT TO SET IN, 1132 00:52:31,713 --> 00:52:36,918 YOU MASTURBATE FOR AROUND FOUR HOURS. 1133 00:52:36,918 --> 00:52:40,088 NOW, THIS SOUNDS EXCESSIVE, AND IT IS, 1134 00:52:40,088 --> 00:52:42,257 BUT DON'T THINK YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF 1135 00:52:42,257 --> 00:52:43,925 FOR FOUR HOURS. 1136 00:52:43,925 --> 00:52:47,896 FOR 3 HOURS AND 58 MINUTES, YOU'RE IN FUCKING AGONY, 1137 00:52:47,896 --> 00:52:49,898 'CAUSE THE CUM'S RIGHT AT THE END OF YOUR COCK, 1138 00:52:49,898 --> 00:52:51,733 BUT THE NERVE CENTER IN YOUR BRAIN 1139 00:52:51,733 --> 00:52:54,436 REFUSES TO PASS THE MESSAGE ON TO SHOOT IT OUT. 1140 00:52:54,436 --> 00:52:58,775 AND THAT'S WHAT KEEPS YOU AT THE TABLE LIKE A BAD GAMBLER. 1141 00:53:00,775 --> 00:53:03,579 NOW, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WITH A COKE WANK 1142 00:53:03,579 --> 00:53:05,447 IS TO KEEP YOUR FOCUS. 1143 00:53:05,447 --> 00:53:07,215 YOU LOSE YOUR FOCUS, YOU'RE FUCKED. 1144 00:53:07,215 --> 00:53:10,286 YOU'VE HIT THE RESET BUTTON. YOU GOTTA START AGAIN. 1145 00:53:10,286 --> 00:53:12,021 I'LL TELL YOU HOW I DO IT. 1146 00:53:13,021 --> 00:53:14,789 I LAY ON THE BED 1147 00:53:14,789 --> 00:53:18,393 WITH MY LAPTOP REALLY HIGH UP ON MY CHEST, 1148 00:53:18,393 --> 00:53:21,431 WITH THE BATTERY BURNING INTO MY RIB CAGE. 1149 00:53:23,431 --> 00:53:26,568 I PUT THE MOST HORRIFIC PORN I CAN FIND ON THE SCREEN, 1150 00:53:26,568 --> 00:53:30,806 WHICH OFTEN IS JUST WOMEN PUNCHING EACH OTHER. 1151 00:53:30,806 --> 00:53:33,476 I PUT MY HAND BEHIND THE SCREEN 1152 00:53:33,476 --> 00:53:38,313 SO I DON'T HAVE TO SEE HOW VIOLENTLY I'M FUCKING MYSELF. 1153 00:53:38,313 --> 00:53:42,117 THEN, THROUGH CUTS, ABRASIONS, AND BRUISES, 1154 00:53:42,117 --> 00:53:45,655 AND USING TEARS AS LUBE, 1155 00:53:45,655 --> 00:53:47,757 EVENTUALLY, YOU WILL COME, 1156 00:53:47,757 --> 00:53:50,226 BUT YOU'RE SO DEHYDRATED, IT DOESN'T COME OUT 1157 00:53:50,226 --> 00:53:51,827 IN A FLUID STATE. 1158 00:53:51,827 --> 00:53:55,500 YOU JUST SHOOT, LIKE, THESE SIX GELATIN CHUNKS. 1159 00:53:57,500 --> 00:54:00,936 NOW, ORDINARILY, WHEN YOU COME ON YOUR CHEST, 1160 00:54:00,936 --> 00:54:02,972 IT'S BEST TO GET A TOWEL AND MOP IT UP, 1161 00:54:02,972 --> 00:54:05,273 BUT THIS STUFF, YOU JUST ROLL IT IN A BALL 1162 00:54:05,273 --> 00:54:08,614 AND CHUCK IT IN THE CORNER. 1163 00:54:11,614 --> 00:54:13,782 THEN, AFTER YOU COME, YOU REALIZE SOMETHING 1164 00:54:13,782 --> 00:54:15,985 YOU DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE: 1165 00:54:15,985 --> 00:54:19,155 YOU'RE ALMOST DEAD. 1166 00:54:19,155 --> 00:54:22,625 YOUR HEART'S BEATING AT A VERY IRREGULAR PACE. 1167 00:54:22,625 --> 00:54:24,460 YOUR MOUTH'S LIKE COTTON. 1168 00:54:24,460 --> 00:54:28,097 SO YOU PEEL YOURSELF OFF THE MATTRESS TO GET WATER, 1169 00:54:28,097 --> 00:54:31,869 BUT YOUR THIGHS ARE CRAMPING UP. 1170 00:54:33,869 --> 00:54:35,538 YOU WALK AWAY. YOU TURN AROUND. 1171 00:54:35,538 --> 00:54:39,842 YOU SEE A SWEATY OUTLINE OF YOUR BODY ON THE SHEET, 1172 00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:42,550 AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE SHROUD OF TURIN. 1173 00:54:47,550 --> 00:54:51,487 ANYWAY... 1174 00:54:51,487 --> 00:54:54,295 I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING THAT. 1175 00:55:00,295 --> 00:55:03,565 SO I SAID TO THE GIRLS, I SAID, "OH... 1176 00:55:03,565 --> 00:55:05,701 YOU CAN GO HOME." 1177 00:55:05,701 --> 00:55:06,902 AND THE BIG GIRL WENT, 1178 00:55:06,902 --> 00:55:09,505 "BUT I STILL WANT TO GET FUCKED." 1179 00:55:09,505 --> 00:55:12,742 AND I WENT, "OH, YOU'RE MORE OF A PACKAGE DEAL." 1180 00:55:12,742 --> 00:55:16,344 NOW, AS SOON AS I SAID IT-- [laughter] 1181 00:55:16,344 --> 00:55:17,713 AS SOON AS I SAID IT, 1182 00:55:17,713 --> 00:55:19,014 I FELT LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, RIGHT? 1183 00:55:20,014 --> 00:55:22,184 ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING AN OFFENSIVE COMIC 1184 00:55:22,184 --> 00:55:24,253 IS YOU CAN COVER YOUR STEPS VERY QUICKLY BY GOING, 1185 00:55:24,253 --> 00:55:27,659 "OH, I'M KIDDING. I'M CRAZY. WAHH!" 1186 00:55:30,659 --> 00:55:31,027 SO I DID THAT. 1187 00:55:32,027 --> 00:55:33,429 I WENT, "OH, I'D LOVE TO FUCK YOU. 1188 00:55:33,429 --> 00:55:34,030 "I LOVE YOU. I WAS KIDDING. I WOULD LOVE IT. 1189 00:55:35,030 --> 00:55:37,333 "RAHH! 1190 00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:41,269 BUT I CAN'T FUCK YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIEND." 1191 00:55:41,269 --> 00:55:43,105 AND SHE POINTS AT HER FRIEND AND GOES, 1192 00:55:43,105 --> 00:55:45,907 "YOU GET IN THE BATHROOM WHILE I FUCK HIM." 1193 00:55:45,907 --> 00:55:48,043 AND I WENT, "EH. 1194 00:55:48,043 --> 00:55:51,079 "EH. 1195 00:55:51,079 --> 00:55:54,786 I-I CAN'T SEE WHY THAT WOULDN'T WORK." 1196 00:55:56,786 --> 00:55:59,422 NOW I'VE GOT TO FUCK HER. IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO. 1197 00:55:59,422 --> 00:56:01,456 YOU CAN'T BE WILLING TO FUCK SOMEONE IN A COUPLE 1198 00:56:01,456 --> 00:56:03,291 AND NOT BE WILLING TO FUCK THEM AS AN INDIVIDUAL. 1199 00:56:03,291 --> 00:56:04,860 THAT'S BAD MANNERS, 1200 00:56:04,860 --> 00:56:07,364 AND MY MOTHER BROUGHT ME UP BETTER THAN THAT. 1201 00:56:09,364 --> 00:56:13,469 SO I'M GONNA FUCK THIS GIRL TO BE POLITE. 1202 00:56:13,469 --> 00:56:16,137 AND HER FRIEND DIDN'T WANT TO GO INTO THE BATHROOM, 1203 00:56:16,137 --> 00:56:17,972 AND SHE'S, LIKE, CRYING, AND HER FRIEND'S, LIKE, 1204 00:56:17,972 --> 00:56:20,643 PUSHING HER, LIKE, "JUST GET IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM." 1205 00:56:20,643 --> 00:56:22,311 THIS BIG FAT GIRL'S PUSHING THIS HOT GIRL, 1206 00:56:22,311 --> 00:56:24,646 LIKE, "GET IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM." 1207 00:56:24,646 --> 00:56:26,815 AND I'M SO WASTED, I'M GETTING INVOLVED, LIKE, 1208 00:56:26,815 --> 00:56:29,952 "YEAH! GET IN THE BATHROOM!" 1209 00:56:29,952 --> 00:56:33,255 AND SO WE PUSH THIS HOT GIRL INTO THE BATHROOM. 1210 00:56:33,255 --> 00:56:35,458 SHE SITS ON THE TOILET. SHE'S CRYING. 1211 00:56:35,458 --> 00:56:37,393 SHE'S SO HOT, AND SHE'S CRYING, LIKE... 1212 00:56:37,393 --> 00:56:38,927 [sobbing] 1213 00:56:38,927 --> 00:56:40,228 THEN SHE TURNS THE HAIR DRYER ON 1214 00:56:40,228 --> 00:56:41,730 SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LISTEN. 1215 00:56:41,730 --> 00:56:43,465 SO PICTURE, LIKE, THERE'S THIS HOT GIRL. 1216 00:56:43,465 --> 00:56:45,233 SHE'S CRYING. SHE'S HOLDING A HAIR DRYER. 1217 00:56:45,233 --> 00:56:48,404 JUST... [wailing] 1218 00:56:48,404 --> 00:56:50,105 ANYWAY, THAT GAVE ME AN ERECTION. 1219 00:56:50,105 --> 00:56:53,644 SO NOW I'VE GOT AN ERECTION. 1220 00:56:56,644 --> 00:56:58,681 BIG QUESTION: 1221 00:56:58,681 --> 00:57:01,115 DO I WEAR A CONDOM? 1222 00:57:01,115 --> 00:57:04,253 AND THE ANSWER IS NO. 1223 00:57:04,253 --> 00:57:05,688 I WAS ON TOO MANY DRUGS TO COME. 1224 00:57:05,688 --> 00:57:07,623 NO ONE'S GETTING FUCKING PREGNANT. 1225 00:57:07,623 --> 00:57:10,425 AND LET'S BE HONEST-- 18-YEAR-OLD CANADIAN 1226 00:57:10,425 --> 00:57:11,760 WHO'D NEVER SEEN COCAINE? 1227 00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:13,262 LET'S GO OUT ON A LIMB 1228 00:57:13,262 --> 00:57:17,532 AND SAY SHE DOESN'T HAVE AIDS. 1229 00:57:17,532 --> 00:57:19,134 AND EVEN IF SHE DID HAVE AIDS, 1230 00:57:19,134 --> 00:57:23,038 IT WOULDN'T BE THE AGGRESSIVE "RAHH" AIDS. 1231 00:57:23,038 --> 00:57:27,376 IT WOULD BE A SOFT, GENTLE, GIRLY AIDS THAT... 1232 00:57:27,376 --> 00:57:31,146 PROBABLY WOULDN'T KILL ME. 1233 00:57:31,146 --> 00:57:32,447 SO I GOT ON TOP OF HER. 1234 00:57:32,447 --> 00:57:33,016 I TOLD HER I WAS A PREMATURE EJACULATOR 1235 00:57:34,016 --> 00:57:36,318 SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCK HER FOR TOO LONG. 1236 00:57:36,318 --> 00:57:37,786 'CAUSE I KNEW I WASN'T GONNA COME, RIGHT? 1237 00:57:37,786 --> 00:57:39,889 SO I PUT MY COCK IN HER FOR LIKE TEN THRUSTS. 1238 00:57:39,889 --> 00:57:41,724 I WENT... AND THEN I JUST PULLED OUT 1239 00:57:41,724 --> 00:57:44,559 AND WENT, "RAHH!" 1240 00:57:44,559 --> 00:57:45,827 AND SHE WENT, "WHAT WAS THAT?" 1241 00:57:45,827 --> 00:57:47,496 AND I WENT, "OH, I JUST CAME OVER THERE." 1242 00:57:47,496 --> 00:57:49,197 AND SHE GOES, "NO, YOU DIDN'T." I WENT, "YES, I DID. 1243 00:57:49,197 --> 00:57:53,969 "THERE'S, UH, HEAPS OF IT OVER THERE. 1244 00:57:53,969 --> 00:57:58,039 "I WOULDN'T GO OVER THERE. YOU'LL GET PREGNANT. 1245 00:57:58,039 --> 00:58:01,244 IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKSON POLLOCK PAINTING OVER THERE." 1246 00:58:03,244 --> 00:58:08,385 ANYWAY, THEN WE LET HER FRIEND OUT OF THE BATHROOM, 1247 00:58:09,385 --> 00:58:11,554 THE GIRLS GOT DRESSED, 1248 00:58:11,554 --> 00:58:13,755 AND THEY WENT HOME. 1249 00:58:13,755 --> 00:58:17,159 NOW, THAT SHOULD BE THE END OF THE STORY, 1250 00:58:17,159 --> 00:58:19,695 BUT IT'S NOT. 1251 00:58:19,695 --> 00:58:22,565 THAT STORY HAPPENED FIVE YEARS AGO. 1252 00:58:22,565 --> 00:58:24,699 NOW, THIS YEAR, I WENT BACK 1253 00:58:24,699 --> 00:58:26,735 TO THE JUST FOR LAUGHS COMEDY FESTIVAL IN MONTREAL, 1254 00:58:26,735 --> 00:58:29,505 AND I WASN'T SUPPORTING SOME MOVIE STAR. 1255 00:58:29,505 --> 00:58:33,442 I WAS--I WAS IN THE BIG THEATER MYSELF, AND--AND-- 1256 00:58:33,442 --> 00:58:35,677 AND WHEN I FINISHED THE SHOW, I WENT TO THE STAGE DOOR, 1257 00:58:35,677 --> 00:58:37,211 AND THERE WAS PEOPLE WAITING FOR MY AUTOGRAPH. 1258 00:58:37,211 --> 00:58:38,947 AND AT THE END OF THE QUEUE 1259 00:58:38,947 --> 00:58:42,684 WAS THE HOT GIRL, ALL THESE YEARS LATER. 1260 00:58:42,684 --> 00:58:44,954 AND I TOOK HER BACK TO MY HOTEL 1261 00:58:44,954 --> 00:58:46,255 AND I FUCKED HER. 1262 00:58:46,255 --> 00:58:50,125 NOW, THE REASON I TELL YOU THIS STORY 1263 00:58:50,125 --> 00:58:53,529 IS BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS. 1264 00:58:53,529 --> 00:58:55,297 [laughter and applause] 1265 00:58:55,297 --> 00:58:58,534 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1266 00:58:58,534 --> 00:59:00,536 GOOD NIGHT. BYE-BYE. 1267 00:59:00,536 --> 00:59:03,539 [rock music] 1268 00:59:03,539 --> 00:59:10,000 โ™ช โ™ช 94098

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