Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,001
2
00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:05,438
- GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMIE,
MR. JIM JEFFERIES!
3
00:00:05,438 --> 00:00:09,412
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
4
00:00:13,412 --> 00:00:16,784
- HEY.
5
00:00:18,784 --> 00:00:21,720
HELLO.
6
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:22,955
HI.
7
00:00:22,955 --> 00:00:24,924
[applause continues]
8
00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:26,926
[music fades]
9
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:30,262
THAT WAS--
THAT WAS VERY NICE.
10
00:00:30,262 --> 00:00:34,733
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S START WITH A JOKE.
11
00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,235
EVERY TIME I SNEEZE,
12
00:00:36,235 --> 00:00:37,937
SOME ASSHOLE
IN THE ROOM GOES,
13
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:40,206
"DO YOU KNOW
THE SENSATION OF A SNEEZE
14
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:42,040
IS 1/8 OF AN ORGASM?"
15
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,375
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS MYTH,
16
00:00:43,375 --> 00:00:44,910
BUT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY.
17
00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:46,612
THAT'S WHY
WHEN I'M FUCKING A CHICK,
18
00:00:46,612 --> 00:00:51,117
I KEEP A BIT OF PEPPER
ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE.
19
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,785
AND AS I'M COMING,
20
00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:54,257
I CHUCK IT IN HER FACE.
21
00:00:58,257 --> 00:01:01,227
'CAUSE SHE DESERVES
SOMETHING.
22
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,428
[laughs]
23
00:01:02,428 --> 00:01:03,896
WELL--
24
00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:06,301
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
25
00:01:09,301 --> 00:01:10,970
I USED TO, FOR A WHILE,
26
00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:13,239
DATE MICHAEL PHELPS'
EX-GIRLFRIEND,
27
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,739
AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE,
BUT IT'S TRUE.
28
00:01:14,739 --> 00:01:16,976
I DATED MICHAEL PHELPS'
EX-GIRLFRIEND.
29
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:18,577
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
30
00:01:18,577 --> 00:01:21,113
ABOUT FUCKING MICHAEL PHELPS'
EX-GIRLFRIEND.
31
00:01:21,113 --> 00:01:22,015
YOU PUT NO EFFORT IN,
32
00:01:23,015 --> 00:01:25,518
'CAUSE NO MATTER HOW GOOD
YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING HER,
33
00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:26,019
YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HER
AS GOOD
34
00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,289
AS THE GREATEST OLYMPIAN
THAT'S EVER LIVED.
35
00:01:30,289 --> 00:01:33,325
THIS GUY'S 6'8",
HAS SIZE 20 FEET,
36
00:01:33,325 --> 00:01:36,262
AND HOLDS HIS BREATH
FOR A LIVING, RIGHT?
37
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:39,498
HE BURNS 10,000 CALORIES
A DAY.
38
00:01:39,498 --> 00:01:41,767
YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST FUCKING HER
AND DRINKING RED BULL
39
00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:44,303
AND EATING CHOCOLATE BARS,
40
00:01:44,303 --> 00:01:46,272
AND I'M THERE COUGHING
CIGARETTE PHLEGM UP
41
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:47,178
ON HER BACK.
42
00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:55,147
AND SHE ALWAYS USED MIKE
AGAINST ME.
43
00:01:55,147 --> 00:01:58,684
I CALL HIM MIKE NOW.
44
00:01:58,684 --> 00:02:00,519
SHE'D GO,
"MIKE BOUGHT ME THIS HANDBAG.
45
00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:01,986
MIKE BOUGHT ME THESE SHOES."
46
00:02:01,986 --> 00:02:03,289
AND I'D BE LIKE,
"MIKE LOOKS LIKE
47
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,825
"HE HAS DOWN SYNDROME.
48
00:02:06,825 --> 00:02:09,127
WHY DON'T YOU EVER
MENTION THAT?"
49
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:11,697
AND WE DON'T KNOW
FOR SURE
50
00:02:11,697 --> 00:02:15,133
THAT I'M NOT
A BETTER SWIMMER.
51
00:02:15,133 --> 00:02:17,502
I'VE NEVER TIMED MYSELF.
52
00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:19,538
WHEN I GET IN THE POOL,
IT'S FOR PLEASURE,
53
00:02:19,538 --> 00:02:22,307
NOT TO SHOW OFF
IN "COMPETITION".
54
00:02:22,307 --> 00:02:24,877
OKAY? I CAN TELL YOU,
IF I EVER FINISH A LAP
55
00:02:24,877 --> 00:02:26,345
OF AN OLYMPIC-SIZED POOL,
56
00:02:26,345 --> 00:02:29,381
I'LL BE REALLY,
REALLY TIRED.
57
00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:31,050
AND YOU CAN ONLY ASSUME
FROM THAT
58
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:35,221
THAT I'VE BEEN GOING
EXTRAORDINARILY FAST.
59
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:37,889
"MIKE TOOK ME HERE.
MIKE TOOK ME THERE."
60
00:02:37,889 --> 00:02:41,593
"MIKE CHEATED ON YOU
WITH MISS CALIFORNIA,
61
00:02:41,593 --> 00:02:45,166
AND I COULD NEVER DO THAT
TO YOU."
62
00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:48,767
IT'S NOT THAT I WOULDN'T.
63
00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:50,235
[chuckles]
64
00:02:50,235 --> 00:02:52,705
I JUST COULDN'T.
IT'S MISS CALIFORNIA.
65
00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:55,741
THAT BITCH HAS GOTTA BE
FUCKING TASTY, EH?
66
00:02:55,741 --> 00:02:58,443
LIKE--LIKE,
I'M ON THE TV A BIT.
67
00:02:58,443 --> 00:03:02,715
I'M A MINOR CELEBRITY.
I COULD FUCK, LIKE...
68
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:07,186
MISS DELAWARE
IS COMING TO MIND.
69
00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:08,020
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE DELAWARE IS,
70
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:12,394
BUT SHE SOUNDS FUCKING UGLY,
MISS DELAWARE, DOESN'T SHE?
71
00:03:15,394 --> 00:03:17,763
BUT I'VE GOT
A GIRLFRIEND NOW.
72
00:03:17,763 --> 00:03:18,964
SHE'S IN THE--
SHE'S IN THE ROOM.
73
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:20,932
UH, I GOT A GIRLFRIEND.
74
00:03:20,932 --> 00:03:24,103
SHE'S MOVED INTO THE HOUSE.
A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
75
00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:26,572
I-I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING
76
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:29,108
WITH THE LAST 12 YEARS
OF MY LIFE.
77
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:31,776
FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS
OF MY LIFE,
78
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,946
I'VE BEEN TRAVELING
AROUND THE WORLD,
79
00:03:33,946 --> 00:03:36,482
HAVING SEX
WITH RANDOM WOMEN.
80
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:38,116
AND MY GIRLFRIEND
HAS TAUGHT ME
81
00:03:38,116 --> 00:03:40,419
THAT THAT'S A REALLY SAD WAY
TO LIVE YOUR LIFE
82
00:03:40,419 --> 00:03:42,454
AND KIND OF DEPRESSING.
83
00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:43,555
AND IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW,
84
00:03:43,555 --> 00:03:46,057
'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE FUN.
85
00:03:46,057 --> 00:03:48,394
I, UH--
[laughter]
86
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:51,896
I REMEMBER A LOT OF SMILING
BACK IN THE DAY.
87
00:03:51,896 --> 00:03:54,967
I HAVE VIVID MEMORIES
OF HIGH-FIVING A LOT.
88
00:03:54,967 --> 00:03:58,304
I, UH...
89
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:01,806
BUT THANK GOD
SHE'S COME ALONG...
90
00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:04,681
TO TELL ME
THAT I WAS MISTAKEN.
91
00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:09,982
MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE ASKING,
WHY WOULD I WANT
92
00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:11,150
TO SETTLE DOWN?
93
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,950
AND I'M AT THE AGE NOW, 35,
94
00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:14,953
WHERE I'M THINKING
OF THE FUTURE.
95
00:04:14,953 --> 00:04:17,423
I WOULD LIKE TO BE
A FATHER ONE DAY.
96
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,925
I THINK I WOULD BE
A GREAT DAD, I REALLY DO.
97
00:04:19,925 --> 00:04:21,959
I JUST DON'T THINK
I'D BE A GOOD HUSBAND,
98
00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:23,696
AND THERE'S A PROBLEM.
99
00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:25,596
UH, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST,
LIKE, MEET A WOMAN,
100
00:04:25,596 --> 00:04:26,964
MARRY HER,
GET HER PREGNANT,
101
00:04:26,964 --> 00:04:28,267
SHE HAS THE CHILD,
AND THEN YOU DIVORCE HER
102
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:29,601
IN THE FIRST YEAR.
103
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,036
THAT'S AUTOMATIC
BAD DAD TERRITORY.
104
00:04:31,036 --> 00:04:32,204
IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW MANY BALL GAMES
105
00:04:32,204 --> 00:04:33,271
YOU TAKE
THE LITTLE CUNT TO,
106
00:04:33,271 --> 00:04:34,175
YOU'RE A BAD FUCKING DAD.
107
00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,875
SO I THINK
THE ONLY WAY OUT FOR ME
108
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,112
IS TO, LIKE,
MEET A WOMAN,
109
00:04:40,112 --> 00:04:42,714
MARRY HER,
GET HER PREGNANT,
110
00:04:42,714 --> 00:04:44,983
SHE HAS THE CHILD,
111
00:04:44,983 --> 00:04:48,120
AND THEN IF SHE COULD DIE,
112
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,355
THAT--THAT WOULD REALLY
HELP ME OUT.
113
00:04:50,355 --> 00:04:53,492
'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOUR KID
COULDN'T HATE YOU THEN,
114
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:54,026
BECAUSE "I'M DOING MY BEST!
YOUR MUM'S DEAD!"
115
00:04:55,026 --> 00:04:56,865
YOU KNOW?
116
00:04:59,865 --> 00:05:03,334
BUT I'VE LOOKED INTO IT,
AND...
117
00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:05,069
NOT AS EASY
AS YOU MIGHT THINK.
118
00:05:05,069 --> 00:05:06,904
IT TURNS OUT
THAT TERMINALLY ILL WOMEN
119
00:05:06,904 --> 00:05:08,639
DON'T WANT TO GET PREGNANT.
120
00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:10,341
THEY'RE ALL ABOUT THEM
AND WHAT THEY'RE UP TO
121
00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:12,543
AND THEIR ISSUES,
YOU KNOW?
122
00:05:12,543 --> 00:05:14,680
THE TERMINALLY ILL ARE
VERY FUCKING HIGH MAINTENANCE,
123
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,483
IF YOU ASK ME, SO...
124
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:20,252
I NEED TO FIND A WOMAN
WHO DOESN'T KNOW SHE'S DYING,
125
00:05:20,252 --> 00:05:22,420
AND THAT'S A WHOLE NEW SET
OF COMPLICATIONS.
126
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:25,557
SO I NEED TO BEFRIEND
A DOCTOR.
127
00:05:25,557 --> 00:05:27,392
THAT DOCTOR WILL HAVE,
LIKE, A CANCEROUS WOMAN
128
00:05:27,392 --> 00:05:28,894
COME INTO HIS OFFICE,
AND HE'LL BE LIKE,
129
00:05:28,894 --> 00:05:30,896
"OH, YOU'RE FINE.
GET OUTTA HERE.
130
00:05:30,896 --> 00:05:32,730
"YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.
131
00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:35,199
CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE WEIGHT LOSS."
132
00:05:35,199 --> 00:05:38,069
THEN...
[laughter]
133
00:05:38,069 --> 00:05:40,738
HE'LL RING ME UP AND GO,
"I'VE GOT ONE!"
134
00:05:40,738 --> 00:05:44,343
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YAY!"
135
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,711
AND THEN I'LL GIVE HIM A COUPLE
OF FREE TICKETS TO A SHOW.
136
00:05:46,711 --> 00:05:48,213
WE'D CALL IT EVEN.
137
00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:51,949
THEN I'D MEET THE GIRL,
APPEAR REALLY CHARMING,
138
00:05:51,949 --> 00:05:53,851
I'D GET HER MARRIED,
139
00:05:53,851 --> 00:05:55,052
I'D GET HER PREGNANT,
140
00:05:55,052 --> 00:05:57,055
SHE'D HAVE THE CHILD,
141
00:05:57,055 --> 00:05:59,591
AND THEN IF SHE COULD DIE,
142
00:05:59,591 --> 00:06:03,095
THAT WOULD GET ME
OUT OF A BIND.
143
00:06:03,095 --> 00:06:05,130
LIKE, I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE
DURING CHILDBIRTH.
144
00:06:05,130 --> 00:06:07,098
I'M NOT A FUCKING ANIMAL,
YOU KNOW?
145
00:06:07,098 --> 00:06:09,367
LIKE--
LIKE A FEW YEARS LATER,
146
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:11,235
AFTER THE KID
COULD WALK, AND TALK,
147
00:06:11,235 --> 00:06:13,271
AND WIPE ITS OWN ASS,
AND OPEN THE FRIDGE,
148
00:06:13,271 --> 00:06:15,476
AND TAKE CARE OF ITSELF
TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
149
00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:19,877
AND I'M THINKING
I WANT A DAUGHTER.
150
00:06:19,877 --> 00:06:21,279
I THINK THAT WOULD SUIT ME,
151
00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:22,980
TO HAVE A LITTLE
THREE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, ELIZA.
152
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:24,149
I'VE ALREADY NAMED HER.
153
00:06:24,149 --> 00:06:26,651
SO PICTURE ME,
JIM JEFFERIES,
154
00:06:26,651 --> 00:06:29,454
WITH LITTLE ELIZA,
STRUGGLING THROUGH LIFE, EH?
155
00:06:29,454 --> 00:06:31,456
JUST THE TWO OF US.
THE MUM'S FUCKING DEAD.
156
00:06:31,456 --> 00:06:34,125
SHE'S LONG GONE.
IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.
157
00:06:34,125 --> 00:06:35,461
I DO WHAT I CAN.
158
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,095
I TAKE HER ON THE ROAD
WITH ME BECAUSE
159
00:06:37,095 --> 00:06:38,630
[tearful voice]
I CAN'T LEAVE HER WITH ANYONE.
160
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,064
SHE'S ALL I'VE GOT LEFT.
161
00:06:40,064 --> 00:06:44,303
[laughs heartily]
162
00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,971
I'M FUCKING ADORABLE.
163
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:48,973
THERE ISN'T A WOMAN
IN THIS ROOM
164
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,942
THAT DOESN'T WANT
TO SUCK THAT GUY'S COCK.
165
00:06:50,942 --> 00:06:55,247
THAT'S ABOUT AS SEXY AS I GET,
WITH A DEAD FUCKING WIFE,
166
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:59,250
RAISING A LITTLE GIRL.
167
00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:02,154
AND I WOULD PLAY THAT CARD
EVERY SINGLE DAY AS WELL.
168
00:07:02,154 --> 00:07:05,156
I-I'D BE, LIKE, IN A DINER
WITH LITTLE ELIZA,
169
00:07:05,156 --> 00:07:06,992
AND AS THE HOT WAITRESS
WALKED BY, I'D GO,
170
00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:10,000
"NO, MUMMY'S NEVER
COMING BACK."
171
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,535
AND THEN WHEN THE WAITRESS
CAME UP, I'D GO,
172
00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:19,670
"NO, NO, NO. NOTHING FOR ME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
173
00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:24,144
"BUT I THINK SOMEONE MIGHT LIKE
AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE.
174
00:07:26,144 --> 00:07:29,014
"IT'S HER FIRST BIRTHDAY
WITHOUT HER MOTHER.
175
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,884
"NO, NO, NO.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
176
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:36,654
"WE'RE--WE'RE OKAY.
177
00:07:36,654 --> 00:07:39,458
"SOMETIMES...
178
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:42,367
I THINK
SHE TAKES CARE OF ME."
179
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,702
YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE HAPPENING
LATER ON THAT EVENING?
180
00:07:50,702 --> 00:07:51,970
I'D BE GETTING
MY DICK SUCKED
181
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,081
AND A FREE SUNDAE.
182
00:08:03,081 --> 00:08:05,918
AND I'D RAISE THAT KID
GOOD TOO.
183
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,485
NO FUCKING AROUND.
184
00:08:07,485 --> 00:08:11,690
RAISE THAT KID THE SAME WAY
THAT I WAS RAISED.
185
00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,428
I'D BEAT THE FUCK
OUT OF IT.
186
00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:22,401
MY MOTHER BROKE
BOTH MY BROTHER'S LEGS.
187
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:24,769
NOT BOTH MY BROTHERS.
188
00:08:24,769 --> 00:08:27,572
ONE BROTHER.
189
00:08:27,572 --> 00:08:30,509
BOTH HIS FUCKING LEGS.
190
00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:31,877
SCOTTY WAS
UNDER THE BED GOING,
191
00:08:31,877 --> 00:08:33,611
"I DON'T WANT
TO GO TO SCHOOL,"
192
00:08:33,611 --> 00:08:34,947
AND MUM'S GOING,
"GET OUT RIGHT NOW.
193
00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:36,581
YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL,"
AND HE WAS LIKE,
194
00:08:36,581 --> 00:08:38,884
"NO, I'M NOT.
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME."
195
00:08:38,884 --> 00:08:40,251
AND SHE WENT, "YOU DON'T THINK
I CAN MAKE YOU?"
196
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,587
AND THEN SCOTT WENT,
"FUCK OFF!"
197
00:08:42,587 --> 00:08:45,591
[audience ohhs]
198
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:49,698
NOW, GUNTHER
WASN'T TAKING THAT.
199
00:08:53,698 --> 00:08:57,936
SHE REACHED UNDER,
GRABBED HIM BY THE SHIRT,
200
00:08:57,936 --> 00:08:59,404
PULLED HIM BACKWARDS,
201
00:08:59,404 --> 00:09:01,539
YANKED HIM UPWARDS,
SO HIS SHINS SHATTERED
202
00:09:01,539 --> 00:09:05,278
AGAINST THE BED FRAME
AND THE FLOOR.
203
00:09:06,278 --> 00:09:08,447
NOW, ON THE UPSIDE,
204
00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:11,883
DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL
THAT DAY.
205
00:09:11,883 --> 00:09:14,288
GOT A COUPLE OF EXTRA DAYS OFF
TO RELAX.
206
00:09:17,288 --> 00:09:20,057
FUCKING SOFT.
YOU'RE SOFT PEOPLE.
207
00:09:20,057 --> 00:09:21,626
I'M TELLING YOU.
208
00:09:21,626 --> 00:09:23,794
YOU KNOW, THIS K--
THIS SELF-ESTEEM
209
00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:26,264
AND GIVING EVERY CHILD
A FUCKING MEDAL
210
00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:28,799
IF IT RUNS A RACE,
AND IT--
211
00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:31,303
THERE ARE TWO FUCKING LOTS
OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD:
212
00:09:31,303 --> 00:09:33,605
WINNERS AND FUCKING LOSERS,
RIGHT?
213
00:09:33,605 --> 00:09:35,139
YOU MIGHT NOT BE
A WINNER AT EVERYTHING.
214
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,942
YOU MIGHT NOT BE
A LOSER AT EVERYTHING.
215
00:09:36,942 --> 00:09:38,844
BUT YOU WON'T FIND OUT
WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GOOD AT
216
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,279
IF THEY TELL YOU YOU'RE
FUCKING GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
217
00:09:42,279 --> 00:09:45,817
RIGHT?
218
00:09:45,817 --> 00:09:49,154
SEE, YOU HERE IN AMERICA
219
00:09:49,154 --> 00:09:50,621
ARE THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY
THAT'S EVER BEEN.
220
00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:54,592
YOU'RE COMING NUMBER 27
IN EDUCATION,
221
00:09:54,592 --> 00:09:57,162
AND THAT'S DISGUSTING,
RIGHT?
222
00:09:57,162 --> 00:10:00,333
BUT YOU'RE COMING NUMBER ONE
IN CONFIDENCE.
223
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:06,972
SO YOU'RE BREEDING
STUPID, CONFIDENT PEOPLE.
224
00:10:07,972 --> 00:10:13,511
THEY'RE THE WORST EMPLOYEES
IN THE FUCKING WORLD.
225
00:10:13,511 --> 00:10:16,480
ALL RIGHT? SO THIS WHOLE
"WE'RE NUMBER ONE"
226
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,150
SHOULD CALL IT
A FUCKING DAY, AMERICA.
227
00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,385
CHINA'S COMING TO GET YA.
228
00:10:21,385 --> 00:10:23,989
AND YOU CAN'T STOP
CHINA, MATE,
229
00:10:23,989 --> 00:10:26,291
'CAUSE THEY'RE NUMBER ONE
IN EDUCATION,
230
00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:29,860
AND THEY'RE THE BOTTOM
OF THE LIST IN CONFIDENCE.
231
00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,464
THEIR ENTIRE SOCIETY
ROTATES AROUND HONOR,
232
00:10:32,464 --> 00:10:33,999
RESPECT, DIGNITY.
233
00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:37,370
"DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
LEARN YOUR FUCKING VIOLIN."
234
00:10:39,370 --> 00:10:41,306
SO WHO DO YOU WANT
PUTTING YOUR CAR TOGETHER?
235
00:10:41,306 --> 00:10:43,708
A LITTLE, NERVOUS ASIAN FELLOW
WITH A DRILL GOING...
236
00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:45,878
[mimics drill]
237
00:10:46,878 --> 00:10:48,046
OR THIS GUY...
238
00:10:48,046 --> 00:10:50,052
[mimics drill]
"PERFECT."
239
00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:55,020
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T COMPETE
WITH THE ASIANS.
240
00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:58,056
IT'S NOT THAT THEY'RE SMARTER.
THEY'RE NOT SMARTER.
241
00:10:58,056 --> 00:11:01,726
THEIR INFRASTRUCTURE
IS INFINITELY BETTER.
242
00:11:01,726 --> 00:11:04,730
THE ASIANS DO SOMETHING
THAT WE DON'T DO.
243
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:07,331
THEY ACKNOWLEDGE STUPIDITY.
244
00:11:07,331 --> 00:11:09,500
IF YOU HAVE A CLASSROOM
OF AMERICAN CHILDREN,
245
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,235
LITTLE JOHNNY ISN'T KEEPING UP
WITH THE OTHER KIDS,
246
00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:12,571
WHAT DO YOU DO?
247
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:15,273
"COME ON, JOHNNY.
YOU CAN CATCH UP.
248
00:11:15,273 --> 00:11:17,576
WE BELIEVE IN YOU."
249
00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:19,211
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY DO IN CHINA
250
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:22,714
WHEN FUCKING MEIPING
ISN'T TOEING THE LINE, EH?
251
00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:24,682
"GET OUT OF THE WAY,
YOU DUMB CUNT.
252
00:11:24,682 --> 00:11:27,719
"DON'T TALK TO THE SMART KIDS.
YOU'RE WEIGHING THEM DOWN.
253
00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:29,587
"GO OVER THERE
AND MAKE SOME SHOES
254
00:11:29,587 --> 00:11:32,028
AND HELP OUR ECONOMY,
BUT LEAVE THEM ALONE."
255
00:11:37,028 --> 00:11:40,865
YOU DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE STUPIDITY,
AND I CAN FUCKING PROVE IT.
256
00:11:40,865 --> 00:11:42,134
WE HAVE 1,000 PEOPLE
IN THE ROOM.
257
00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,301
BY A SHOW OF HANDS--
258
00:11:43,301 --> 00:11:44,903
DON'T DO IT IRONICALLY.
259
00:11:44,903 --> 00:11:46,904
DON'T DO THIS SARCASTICALLY.
260
00:11:46,904 --> 00:11:49,875
ONLY DO THIS
IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE IT.
261
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:54,078
PUT UP YOUR HAND
IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE
262
00:11:54,078 --> 00:11:56,214
YOU HAVE A STUPID CHILD
AT HOME.
263
00:11:56,214 --> 00:12:00,552
[scattered laughter]
264
00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:01,787
NONE OF YOU!
265
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:03,621
WELL, GUESS WHAT?
266
00:12:03,621 --> 00:12:06,626
IT'S STATISTICALLY
HIGHER THAN THAT!
267
00:12:08,626 --> 00:12:10,495
BUT YOUR CHILD ISN'T STUPID.
268
00:12:10,495 --> 00:12:12,630
NOT YOUR CHILD.
269
00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:16,601
YOUR CHILD HAS
A LEARNING DIFFICULTY.
270
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:21,072
THAT'S THE DEFINITION
OF STUPID.
271
00:12:21,072 --> 00:12:23,475
IF YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY...
272
00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:27,144
LEARNING...
273
00:12:27,144 --> 00:12:29,815
THAT'S WHAT STUPID IS!
274
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:32,750
IF YOU FIND IT HARD
TO PUT INFORMATION
275
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,919
IN YOUR HEAD
276
00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:38,289
AND RECALL IT
WHEN YOU NEED IT,
277
00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:41,993
THAT'S TEXTBOOK STUPID.
278
00:12:41,993 --> 00:12:44,830
AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH BEING STUPID.
279
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:47,298
I'LL TAKE A NICE IDIOT
OVER A SMART ASSHOLE
280
00:12:47,298 --> 00:12:51,440
ANY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
281
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,274
BUT LET'S JUST ACKNOWLEDGE
THESE PEOPLE.
282
00:12:57,274 --> 00:13:00,011
YOU KNOW, NOW I'VE GIVEN YOU
A GOOD POINT,
283
00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:02,147
MANY OF YOU ARE THINKING,
284
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:05,115
"MAYBE OUR KID
IS A DUMB CUNT."
285
00:13:05,115 --> 00:13:06,851
YOU'RE PICTURING HIM
IN HIS LITTLE LEAGUE GAME.
286
00:13:06,851 --> 00:13:10,860
HE'S IN THE OUTFIELD,
DIGGING A HOLE WITH A STICK.
287
00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,962
I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE
IN ONE OF MY OTHER DVDs,
288
00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:20,465
BUT THIS IS HOW YOU FIND OUT
IF YOUR KID'S A DUMB CUNT,
289
00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:21,533
ALL RIGHT?
290
00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:24,235
ARE YOU A DUMB CUNT?
291
00:13:24,235 --> 00:13:27,873
IS YOUR WIFE OR YOUR HUSBAND
A DUMB CUNT?
292
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:29,875
GUESS WHAT YOUR KIDS ARE.
293
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:33,410
YOUR KIDS ARE DUMB CUNTS,
JUST LIKE YOU,
294
00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:37,884
EXCEPT THEY'LL ACHIEVE
EVEN LESS.
295
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,985
NOW, DON'T BE UPSET
BY THIS INFORMATION,
296
00:13:40,985 --> 00:13:43,221
IF YOU'RE INDEED A DUMB CUNT,
WITH YOUR DUMB CUNT SPOUSE,
297
00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:45,222
AND YOUR DUMB CUNT KIDS,
AND YOUR DUMB CUNT FAMILY,
298
00:13:45,222 --> 00:13:47,259
WITH YOUR DUMB CUNT FRIENDS,
299
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:51,897
'CAUSE SOCIETY'S VERY
ACCOMMODATING TO DUMB CUNTS.
300
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:53,597
IN FACT, THERE ARE PLACES
301
00:13:53,597 --> 00:13:56,067
WHERE YOU AND YOUR
DUMB CUNT FAMILY
302
00:13:56,067 --> 00:14:01,239
CAN GO ONCE A WEEK AND MEET
OTHER DUMB CUNT FAMILIES
303
00:14:01,239 --> 00:14:04,009
AND YOU CAN SING SONGS.
304
00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:07,114
AND IT'S CALLED THE CHURCH,
305
00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:13,918
AND THEY'VE NEVER TURNED AWAY
A GROUP OF DUMB CUNTS.
306
00:14:13,918 --> 00:14:16,388
THE CHURCH
LOVES DUMB CUNTS.
307
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,889
DOESN'T LIKE THE SMART,
308
00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:21,860
WHAT WITH THEIR
CONSTANT QUESTIONS.
309
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,695
THE SMART ARE ALWAYS
ASKING QUESTIONS,
310
00:14:23,695 --> 00:14:25,734
AND THAT'S LIKE FUCKING CANCER
TO RELIGION.
311
00:14:29,734 --> 00:14:33,738
SEE, I BECAME AN ATHEIST
WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD.
312
00:14:33,738 --> 00:14:36,140
I REMEMBER
THERE WAS AN EXACT MOMENT.
313
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:39,644
I WAS DIGGING A HOLE
WITH A STICK, AND I...
314
00:14:39,644 --> 00:14:43,048
[laughter]
315
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,450
NOW, IF YOU'VE JUST RECENTLY
BECOME AN ATHEIST,
316
00:14:45,450 --> 00:14:47,318
TRY TO BE COOL
ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
317
00:14:47,318 --> 00:14:49,453
'CAUSE, ESPECIALLY
IN THIS COUNTRY,
318
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,322
PEOPLE USE ATHEISM ALMOST LIKE
ITS OWN RELIGION.
319
00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:52,756
RIGHT?
320
00:14:52,756 --> 00:14:54,491
'CAUSE WHEN YOU BECOME
AN ATHEIST,
321
00:14:54,491 --> 00:14:55,927
YOU'RE VERY ANGRY
BECAUSE YOU--YOU'VE BEEN FED
322
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:57,629
SO MANY LIES
THAT YOU BECOME ANGRY.
323
00:14:57,629 --> 00:15:00,465
RIGHT? SO TRY TO BE
WHAT I CALL A GOOD ATHEIST.
324
00:15:00,465 --> 00:15:02,801
I USED TO BE
A BAD ATHEIST, RIGHT?
325
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,769
I, LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE,
326
00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:05,004
I DIDN'T GO
TO A FRIEND'S WEDDING ONCE
327
00:15:06,004 --> 00:15:07,772
'CAUSE IT WAS IN A CHURCH,
328
00:15:07,772 --> 00:15:09,341
'CAUSE I "WOULDN'T SET FOOT
IN A CHURCH," RIGHT?
329
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,743
AND THEN, LIKE,
I COULDN'T GO TO PARTIES,
330
00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:13,445
'CAUSE I'D ALWAYS END UP
IN A CORNER
331
00:15:13,445 --> 00:15:16,181
WITH A CHRISTIAN, GOING,
"YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT," RIGHT?
332
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:19,018
AND THAT'S NO WAY
TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW?
333
00:15:20,018 --> 00:15:21,485
SO YOU KNOW WHAT?
334
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,520
YOU GOTTA LIVE
AND LET LIVE IN THIS WORLD.
335
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,926
HAVE THE MAGIC MAN.
DON'T HAVE THE MAGIC MAN.
336
00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:29,494
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
337
00:15:29,494 --> 00:15:32,496
AND SINCE I HAVE
THIS NEW SUNNY DISPOSITION...
338
00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,164
[laughter]
339
00:15:34,164 --> 00:15:35,767
MY LIFE'S
REALLY TURNED AROUND.
340
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,003
I GOT MORE FRIENDS.
I TOLERATE OTHERS.
341
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,205
I'M NOW A GODFATHER
TO THREE CHILDREN,
342
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:44,208
AND THAT'S RETARDED.
343
00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,510
'CAUSE THESE PEOPLE
KNOW ME,
344
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,279
AND THEY STILL FUCKING ASK.
345
00:15:49,279 --> 00:15:51,115
THEY STILL COME UP
AND GO, "JIM,
346
00:15:51,115 --> 00:15:52,549
WILL YOU BE
THE CHILD'S GODFATHER?"
347
00:15:52,549 --> 00:15:55,320
AND I'M LIKE...
348
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,687
"YES."
349
00:15:56,687 --> 00:15:58,389
AND THEN I STAND THERE
IN CHURCH
350
00:15:58,389 --> 00:15:59,691
WITH THE PRIEST
AND THE PARENTS,
351
00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:01,058
AND THE PRIEST
IS HOLDING THE BABY,
352
00:16:01,058 --> 00:16:02,961
AND THE PRIEST TURNS TO ME
AND GOES, "JIM,
353
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,863
"WILL YOU SPIRITUALLY GUIDE
THIS CHILD
354
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:08,133
THROUGHOUT ITS LIFE?"
355
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,136
"SURE."
356
00:16:12,136 --> 00:16:16,240
'CAUSE I HAVE NO PROBLEMS
LYING IN CHURCH.
357
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,643
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
358
00:16:18,643 --> 00:16:21,379
NOW, THERE ARE TWO REASONS
WHY BABIES ARE CHRISTENED.
359
00:16:21,379 --> 00:16:23,380
RIGHT?
THERE'S THE REAL REASON,
360
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,250
WHICH IS THE CHURCH
ARE TRYING TO RECRUIT PEOPLE
361
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,720
WHO CAN'T TALK.
362
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,687
THEN THERE'S THE SECOND REASON,
THE BIBLE'S REASONS,
363
00:16:30,687 --> 00:16:32,222
GOD'S REASONS.
364
00:16:32,222 --> 00:16:34,893
THIS IS WHY GOD WANTS YOU
TO CHRISTEN YOUR CHILD.
365
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:37,361
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
CHRISTEN YOUR CHILD,
366
00:16:37,361 --> 00:16:39,230
AND IT DIES IN INFANCY,
367
00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:42,366
IT DOESN'T GET INTO HEAVEN.
368
00:16:42,366 --> 00:16:44,936
AWWW.
369
00:16:44,936 --> 00:16:46,236
SO IF YOU ARE RELIGIOUS,
370
00:16:46,236 --> 00:16:49,673
YOUR GOD SOUNDS LIKE
A SUPER GUY,
371
00:16:49,673 --> 00:16:52,577
BUT IF HE LETS
ONE DEAD BABY INTO HEAVEN,
372
00:16:52,577 --> 00:16:56,346
THEN HE HAS TO LET
ALL THE DEAD BABIES INTO HEAVEN.
373
00:16:56,346 --> 00:16:58,515
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
HEAVEN'S JUST FILLED
374
00:16:58,515 --> 00:17:01,557
WITH FUCKING DEAD BABIES.
375
00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:09,259
WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE
FOR DEAD BABIES!
376
00:17:09,259 --> 00:17:11,695
AND LET'S NOT ACT LIKE
THESE BABIES DIDN'T KNOW
377
00:17:11,695 --> 00:17:14,268
WHAT THEY DID.
378
00:17:17,268 --> 00:17:19,938
NOW...
379
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:22,106
IT'S NOT LOST ON ME
380
00:17:22,106 --> 00:17:23,441
THAT WHEN I TELL A JOKE
LIKE THAT
381
00:17:23,441 --> 00:17:25,609
IN FRONT OF
THIS MANY PEOPLE,
382
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:29,213
THAT IN THIS ROOM,
THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE
383
00:17:29,213 --> 00:17:31,615
THAT THERE'S A COUPLE WHO LOST
THEIR CHILD IN INFANCY.
384
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,785
AND I'M A COMEDIAN.
I'M MEANT TO MAKE YOU LAUGH.
385
00:17:33,785 --> 00:17:36,988
AND I'VE JUST REMINDED YOU
OF THE MOST HORRIBLE THING
386
00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:38,756
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU,
387
00:17:38,756 --> 00:17:41,792
AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY.
388
00:17:41,792 --> 00:17:45,096
BUT IF YOU WEREN'T
SMART ENOUGH
389
00:17:45,096 --> 00:17:46,830
TO GET A PEDOPHILE
IN A DRESS
390
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:51,269
TO PUT A SMALL AMOUNT OF WATER
ON THE CHILD'S FOREHEAD,
391
00:17:51,269 --> 00:17:54,743
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK
WAS GONNA HAPPEN, RIGHT?
392
00:17:59,743 --> 00:18:02,779
AND AS FAR
AS I'M CONCERNED,
393
00:18:02,779 --> 00:18:06,416
YOU'RE BAD PARENTS,
394
00:18:06,416 --> 00:18:09,789
AND THAT'S WHY GOD
TOOK YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM YOU.
395
00:18:12,789 --> 00:18:14,192
BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL KNOW
396
00:18:14,192 --> 00:18:18,462
THAT GOD MAKES
NO MISTAKES, SO...
397
00:18:18,462 --> 00:18:21,435
MAYBE YOU DID.
398
00:18:25,435 --> 00:18:26,503
IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW?
399
00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:27,939
I FEEL A TENSION
IN THE ROOM NOW.
400
00:18:27,939 --> 00:18:30,775
PEOPLE ARE STILL...
[laughter and applause]
401
00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:32,309
I LIKE IT.
I PREFER IT TO LAUGHTER.
402
00:18:32,309 --> 00:18:33,344
I'M USED TO THAT.
403
00:18:33,344 --> 00:18:34,945
I LIKE THIS WEIRD FEELING.
404
00:18:34,945 --> 00:18:36,446
BECAUSE YOU ALL KNOW
WHAT I DO.
405
00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:37,882
YOU'VE SEEN MY SPECIALS.
YOU BOUGHT A TICKET.
406
00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:41,786
AND FUCKING PEOPLE
STILL GET SHOCKED.
407
00:18:41,786 --> 00:18:43,320
RIGHT?
I MEAN, THE THING IS,
408
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,522
IT'S NOT MY FANS
THAT GET SHOCKED OR UPSET.
409
00:18:45,522 --> 00:18:47,558
THEY KNOW
WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING.
410
00:18:47,558 --> 00:18:49,327
THE PROBLEM
WITH THESE SHOWS, THOUGH,
411
00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:51,996
IS THAT PEOPLE COME
IN GROUPS.
412
00:18:51,996 --> 00:18:54,865
AND THERE'S SOME GUY HERE
WHO'S A BIG FAN OF MINE,
413
00:18:54,865 --> 00:18:56,467
AND HE SAID TO SIX
OF HIS FRIENDS,
414
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:59,369
"YOU GOTTA SEE THIS GUY.
415
00:18:59,369 --> 00:19:02,406
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A GREAT FUCKING NIGHT."
416
00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:04,875
AND AT THIS STAGE OF THE SHOW,
HE'S GOING,
417
00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:06,846
"OH, NO.
418
00:19:09,846 --> 00:19:12,053
"AWW, KAREN'S HERE.
419
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:17,893
"KAREN FUCKING LOVES GOD.
420
00:19:21,893 --> 00:19:24,934
I'M NEVER GONNA
FUCK KAREN."
421
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,438
THEN AFTERWARDS,
I'LL BE OUTSIDE HAVING A DRINK
422
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:35,038
AT ONE OF THE BARS
AROUND THE PLACE,
423
00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:36,708
AND AFTERWARDS,
KAREN WILL SEE ME,
424
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,276
AND SHE'LL WALK UP TO ME
WITH A SMILE LIKE THIS.
425
00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:41,112
SHE COMES UP...
426
00:19:41,112 --> 00:19:42,680
AND THEN,
WHEN SHE GETS REALLY CLOSE,
427
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,682
SHE'LL GO,
"YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
428
00:19:45,682 --> 00:19:49,420
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, NO,
YOU DON'T WANT A PHOTO."
429
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:52,723
RIGHT?
430
00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:56,426
AND THEN HER FR--HER FRIENDS
WILL SORT OF DRAG HER AWAY,
431
00:19:56,426 --> 00:19:58,363
AND AS SHE'S BEING
DRAGGED AWAY,
432
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,731
SHE'LL YELL
SOMETHING OUT LIKE,
433
00:20:00,731 --> 00:20:02,532
"GOD LOVES YOU!
JESUS LOVES YOU!"
434
00:20:02,532 --> 00:20:05,435
SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.
435
00:20:05,435 --> 00:20:07,271
BECAUSE CHRISTIANS
HAVE THIS BELIEF
436
00:20:07,271 --> 00:20:10,240
THAT THERE'S A MAN ON A CLOUD
THAT LOVES THEM.
437
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,442
LET'S SAY HE EXISTS.
438
00:20:11,442 --> 00:20:12,943
HE DOESN'T FUCKING LOVE YOU.
439
00:20:12,943 --> 00:20:14,878
I'VE HEARD CHRISTIANS SAY
THAT MY GOD
440
00:20:14,878 --> 00:20:16,748
LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY.
441
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:18,650
NO SUCH THING
AS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
442
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:20,151
THAT'S A LOAD
OF FUCKING BULLSHIT.
443
00:20:20,151 --> 00:20:21,818
MY MUM ALWAYS THROWS
THAT ONE OUT THERE.
444
00:20:21,818 --> 00:20:24,622
MY MUM ALWAYS GOES,
"JIM, I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT.
445
00:20:24,622 --> 00:20:25,957
I LOVE YOU
UNCONDITIONALLY."
446
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:27,759
AND I ALWAYS THINK
TO MYSELF,
447
00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:31,962
WHAT IF I CUT
ONE OF HER TITS OFF?
448
00:20:31,962 --> 00:20:34,065
WHAT IF--WHAT IF
I JUST GOT A RUSTY BLADE
449
00:20:34,065 --> 00:20:36,800
AND STARTED HACKING
INTO THAT OBESE WOMAN'S BREASTS?
450
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,737
AND, LIKE,
WOULD SHE STILL LOVE ME?
451
00:20:39,737 --> 00:20:41,838
SHE MIGHT.
I'M NOT WILLING TO TEST IT.
452
00:20:41,838 --> 00:20:44,842
BUT I CAN TELL YOU
FOR SURE--
453
00:20:44,842 --> 00:20:46,243
I CAN TELL YOU FOR SURE
454
00:20:46,243 --> 00:20:47,944
THAT GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU
UNCONDITIONALLY.
455
00:20:47,944 --> 00:20:50,847
I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN YOU
A CONDITION.
456
00:20:50,847 --> 00:20:54,085
IF YOU DON'T PUT
A SMALL AMOUNT OF WATER
457
00:20:54,085 --> 00:20:56,988
ON A BABY'S FOREHEAD,
458
00:20:56,988 --> 00:21:00,924
IT BURNS FOR ETERNITY.
459
00:21:00,924 --> 00:21:05,630
THAT'S A CONDITION
OF A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH.
460
00:21:05,630 --> 00:21:08,633
LIKE, IF GOD SHOWED UP
AT A PARTY,
461
00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:12,836
HE'D BE THE LEAST-WELCOME PERSON
IN PARTY HISTORY.
462
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:14,605
RIGHT? EVERYONE WOULD BE
HAVING A GOOD TIME,
463
00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:17,279
THEN SOMEONE WOULD GO,
"DON'T LOOK UP."
464
00:21:22,279 --> 00:21:25,349
"OH, NO.
465
00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:29,386
"GOD'S HERE.
466
00:21:29,386 --> 00:21:32,623
"HEY, GOD.
HOW ARE YOU GOING?
467
00:21:32,623 --> 00:21:34,525
WE DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE."
468
00:21:34,525 --> 00:21:37,228
"YEAH, WELL, I'M FUCKING
EVERYWHERE, AREN'T I?
469
00:21:37,228 --> 00:21:41,699
SO WHY THE FUCK
WOULDN'T I BE HERE?"
470
00:21:41,699 --> 00:21:43,567
"WELL, GOD, IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO HAVE YOU HERE.
471
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:45,202
WE'RE REALLY HAPPY
YOU'RE HERE."
472
00:21:45,202 --> 00:21:47,337
THEN GOD'S LIKE,
"EVERYONE!
473
00:21:47,337 --> 00:21:49,207
"EVERYONE!
474
00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:50,208
"COULD EVERYONE PLEASE
BE QUIET
475
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,876
"AND LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW?
476
00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:54,811
"I'VE COME DOWN
TO TELL ALL OF YOU
477
00:21:54,811 --> 00:21:57,181
"I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW
478
00:21:57,181 --> 00:22:01,051
THAT I LOVE ALL OF YOU
UNCONDITIONALLY."
479
00:22:01,051 --> 00:22:02,686
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
480
00:22:02,686 --> 00:22:04,388
"THANKS FOR THAT, GOD.
WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT."
481
00:22:04,388 --> 00:22:06,391
AND THEY GO BACK TO THEIR PARTY,
AND THEN GOD GOES,
482
00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:10,060
"IS THAT ALL
YOU HAVE TO SAY?"
483
00:22:10,060 --> 00:22:11,863
"SORRY, GOD?"
484
00:22:11,863 --> 00:22:13,865
"I JUST SAID I LOVE YOU."
485
00:22:13,865 --> 00:22:17,602
"OH, FUCKING SHIT.
YEAH, UM...
486
00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:19,604
WE LOVE YOU TOO."
487
00:22:19,604 --> 00:22:21,538
"GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
488
00:22:21,538 --> 00:22:23,273
"'CAUSE YOU KNOW
IF YOU DON'T,
489
00:22:23,273 --> 00:22:26,911
YOU'LL FUCKING BURN,
RIGHT?"
490
00:22:26,911 --> 00:22:28,779
"YES, GOD, WE--
WE REALLY LOVE YOU.
491
00:22:28,779 --> 00:22:29,946
WE REALLY LOVE YOU."
492
00:22:29,946 --> 00:22:31,382
"DO YOU LOVE
ANY OTHER GODS?"
493
00:22:31,382 --> 00:22:34,117
"NO, WE DON'T.
WE REALLY DON'T."
494
00:22:34,117 --> 00:22:35,385
"OKAY, COOL.
495
00:22:35,385 --> 00:22:36,953
"SORRY, EVERYONE.
I'M SORRY.
496
00:22:36,953 --> 00:22:41,092
I'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
I'M SORRY."
497
00:22:41,092 --> 00:22:43,126
AND THEN THEY GO BACK
TO THEIR PARTY,
498
00:22:43,126 --> 00:22:44,961
AND OBVIOUSLY GOD'S NOT GETTING
ENOUGH ATTENTION.
499
00:22:44,961 --> 00:22:46,763
HE PIPES UP AGAIN,
500
00:22:46,763 --> 00:22:50,768
"EVERYBODY,
ONE LAST THING.
501
00:22:50,768 --> 00:22:52,135
"I KNOW YOU ALL SAID
YOU LOVE ME,
502
00:22:52,135 --> 00:22:53,805
"AND THAT'S REALLY COOL
OF YOU.
503
00:22:53,805 --> 00:22:55,573
"I WANT YOU TO DO
ONE MORE THING FOR ME NOW.
504
00:22:55,573 --> 00:22:57,208
"I WANT TO POINT OUT
505
00:22:57,208 --> 00:23:00,310
"THAT YOU WON'T BURN
IF YOU DON'T DO THIS,
506
00:23:00,310 --> 00:23:01,979
"BUT IT WOULD GO A LONG WAY
NOT TO BURNING,
507
00:23:01,979 --> 00:23:03,815
"IF YOU GET
MY FUCKING DRIFT.
508
00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:08,251
"ALL RIGHT?
IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT...
509
00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:11,392
IF YOU COULD ALL
SING SONGS ABOUT ME."
510
00:23:14,392 --> 00:23:16,394
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
511
00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:18,296
"SORRY, GOD?"
512
00:23:18,296 --> 00:23:21,065
"I MADE THE FUCKING WORLD!
JUST SING A FUCKING SONG!
513
00:23:21,065 --> 00:23:22,133
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"
514
00:23:22,133 --> 00:23:25,269
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH.
515
00:23:25,269 --> 00:23:27,904
"YEAH, WE CAN DO THIS,
CAN'T WE, GANG?
516
00:23:27,904 --> 00:23:29,574
LET'S SING SOME SONGS
FOR GOD."
517
00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,174
AND THEY START SINGING
SOME GOSPEL MUSIC,
518
00:23:31,174 --> 00:23:32,844
AND TO BEGIN WITH,
GOD'S FUCKING DIGGING IT.
519
00:23:32,844 --> 00:23:35,019
HE'S JUST...
520
00:23:43,019 --> 00:23:46,096
'CAUSE LET'S NOT FORGET
THAT GOD'S A WHITE GUY.
521
00:23:52,096 --> 00:23:55,942
THEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE SONG,
GOD STARTS TO TURN.
522
00:24:04,942 --> 00:24:08,945
"EVERYONE STOP SINGING.
523
00:24:08,945 --> 00:24:12,321
WHO'S THE GUY IN THE PINK SHIRT
WHO'S ENJOYING SINGING?"
524
00:24:18,321 --> 00:24:20,825
"OH.
525
00:24:20,825 --> 00:24:23,634
OH, OH, THAT'S BRIAN
AND HIS BOYFR--"
526
00:24:30,634 --> 00:24:33,671
"YOU KNOW I HATE FAGGOTS!"
527
00:24:33,671 --> 00:24:37,240
"BUT, GOD, GOD, GOD.
CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.
528
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,808
YOU JUST SAID
YOU LOVE EVERYONE."
529
00:24:38,808 --> 00:24:42,712
"NOT FAGGOTS, I DIDN'T!"
530
00:24:42,712 --> 00:24:44,347
AND THEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING
TO CALM HIM DOWN.
531
00:24:44,347 --> 00:24:47,484
HE'S LIKE, "DON'T YOU
FUCKING TOUCH ME!
532
00:24:47,484 --> 00:24:51,255
DON'T TOUCH ME,
YOU FAGGOT-LOVER!"
533
00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,256
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"GOD, IT'S PROBABLY BEST
534
00:24:52,256 --> 00:24:53,924
YOU JUST LEAVE THIS PARTY."
535
00:24:53,924 --> 00:24:58,395
"YOU'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING BURN.
ALL YOU FUCKING CUNTS."
536
00:24:58,395 --> 00:24:59,763
AND HE GOES OUTSIDE,
537
00:24:59,763 --> 00:25:00,031
AND HE'S TRYING
TO CALM HIMSELF DOWN.
538
00:25:01,031 --> 00:25:04,402
"I FUCKING HATE FAGGOTS.
539
00:25:04,402 --> 00:25:06,037
"I COULDN'T BE CLEARER
ABOUT THIS.
540
00:25:06,037 --> 00:25:10,240
"IT'S IN MY BOOK,
FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
541
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,009
"EVERYONE'S GOT THE BOOK.
NO ONE'S FUCKING READ THE BOOK.
542
00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:15,746
EVERYONE'S GOT THE BOOK."
543
00:25:15,746 --> 00:25:18,082
THEN HE PASSES, LIKE,
A YOUNG COUPLE HOLDING HANDS.
544
00:25:18,082 --> 00:25:19,549
HE'S LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
YOU SEE THAT TREE?
545
00:25:19,549 --> 00:25:20,617
"I FUCKING MADE THAT SHIT.
546
00:25:20,617 --> 00:25:22,553
"HEY, WAIT.
547
00:25:22,553 --> 00:25:25,423
"WAIT.
548
00:25:25,423 --> 00:25:27,924
"ARE YOU TWO MARRIED?
549
00:25:27,924 --> 00:25:29,794
"NO?
550
00:25:29,794 --> 00:25:32,262
"WELL,
DON'T FUCK EACH OTHER.
551
00:25:32,262 --> 00:25:36,436
"I HATE YOUNG PEOPLE FUCKING,
AND I HATE FAGGOTS.
552
00:25:39,436 --> 00:25:44,208
"I ALSO HATE PEOPLE
EATING SHRIMP.
553
00:25:44,208 --> 00:25:46,911
"I MENTION THAT EIGHT TIMES
IN MY BOOK,
554
00:25:46,911 --> 00:25:49,547
"WHERE I ONLY MENTION TWICE
THAT I HATE HOMOSEXUALS.
555
00:25:49,547 --> 00:25:52,282
"BUT PEOPLE SEEM
TO REALLY ENJOY EATING SHRIMP,
556
00:25:52,282 --> 00:25:55,952
"SO I'VE FORGOTTEN
ABOUT THAT RULE,
557
00:25:55,952 --> 00:25:58,731
BUT I'M STILL VERY CERTAIN
I HATE FAGGOTS."
558
00:26:07,731 --> 00:26:09,165
AND EVERYONE'S LIKE,
559
00:26:09,165 --> 00:26:13,336
"I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM
IN MY LIFE,
560
00:26:13,336 --> 00:26:17,107
THIS CONSTANT GLOW I HAVE
IN MY HEART."
561
00:26:17,107 --> 00:26:18,675
MY PET HATE
WHEN I'M ONSTAGE--
562
00:26:18,675 --> 00:26:19,977
IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
TOO MUCH IN THIS SHOW
563
00:26:19,977 --> 00:26:21,112
BECAUSE IT'S BEING FILMED--
564
00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:23,247
BUT I HATE IT
565
00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:24,016
WHEN PEOPLE HAVE
THEIR CAMERA PHONE UP
566
00:26:25,016 --> 00:26:26,817
AND THEY'RE VIDEOTAPING MY SHOW
WHEN I'M DOING A GIG.
567
00:26:26,817 --> 00:26:28,419
FOR TWO REASONS.
568
00:26:28,419 --> 00:26:30,253
IT SOUNDS SILLY,
BUT THE FIRST REASON'S SIMPLE.
569
00:26:30,253 --> 00:26:31,922
THEY'RE MY JOKES,
570
00:26:31,922 --> 00:26:33,356
AND I DON'T WANT YOU
PUTTING THEM ON THE INTERNET
571
00:26:33,356 --> 00:26:35,192
BEFORE I GET TO RECORD THEM
ON A SPECIAL.
572
00:26:35,192 --> 00:26:39,696
SECOND REASON IS I'M NOT
IN CHARGE OF THE EDITING.
573
00:26:39,696 --> 00:26:42,833
YOU KNOW HOW EASY IT WOULD BE
TO EDIT THAT LAST ROUTINE
574
00:26:42,833 --> 00:26:45,973
DOWN TO, "I HATE FAGGOTS!"
575
00:26:49,973 --> 00:26:51,842
AND THEN--AND THEN I WOULD BE
GETTING INTERVIEWED,
576
00:26:51,842 --> 00:26:53,344
AND SOMEONE WOULD GO,
577
00:26:53,344 --> 00:26:54,944
"JIM, WHY DO YOU HATE
HOMOSEXUALS SO MUCH?"
578
00:26:54,944 --> 00:26:56,946
AND I'D BE LIKE,
"I DON'T HATE HOMOSEXUALS."
579
00:26:56,946 --> 00:26:58,548
AND THEN THEY'D SHOW ME
THE CLIP, AND I'D BE LIKE,
580
00:26:58,548 --> 00:27:02,353
"OH, NO.
581
00:27:02,353 --> 00:27:06,990
"AWWW.
582
00:27:06,990 --> 00:27:10,060
"WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
IS...
583
00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:12,334
I WAS GOD AT THE TIME.
584
00:27:17,334 --> 00:27:21,337
GOD DOESN'T LIKE
HOMOSEXUALS."
585
00:27:21,337 --> 00:27:24,040
AND I DON'T HATE GAY PEOPLE.
I'M PRO-GAY PEOPLE, MAN.
586
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,044
I-I PROTESTED
FOR GAY MARRIAGE.
587
00:27:27,044 --> 00:27:28,813
I BELIEVE VERY STRONGLY
IN GAY MARRIAGE.
588
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,213
I-I BELIEVE
IF YOU'RE A PERSON
589
00:27:30,213 --> 00:27:31,981
WHO'S WATCHING
THIS SPECIAL RIGHT NOW
590
00:27:31,981 --> 00:27:33,317
AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN GAY MARRIAGE, TURN IT OFF.
591
00:27:33,317 --> 00:27:34,751
YOU'RE A FUCKING DICK,
592
00:27:34,751 --> 00:27:36,153
AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
593
00:27:36,153 --> 00:27:38,756
NOW...
[cheers and applause]
594
00:27:38,756 --> 00:27:41,991
AND...
[applause continues]
595
00:27:41,991 --> 00:27:45,261
MY REASONING
IS SO SIMPLE, RIGHT?
596
00:27:45,261 --> 00:27:47,397
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN GAY MARRIAGE,
597
00:27:47,397 --> 00:27:50,401
YOU'RE A DICKHEAD
BECAUSE...
598
00:27:50,401 --> 00:27:53,237
IT'S GOT NOTHING
TO FUCKING DO WITH YOU.
599
00:27:53,237 --> 00:27:54,939
RIGHT? DOESN'T MATTER.
600
00:27:54,939 --> 00:27:56,507
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO LOVES WHO
601
00:27:56,507 --> 00:27:57,008
OR WHO WANTS TO BE
WITH WHO.
602
00:27:58,008 --> 00:27:59,577
IT'S NONE OF YOUR
FUCKING BUSINESS.
603
00:27:59,577 --> 00:28:01,278
NONE OF YOUR
FUCKING BUSINESS.
604
00:28:01,278 --> 00:28:03,513
IF YOU HATE GAY MARRIAGE,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
605
00:28:03,513 --> 00:28:08,085
DON'T MARRY A GAY PERSON.
606
00:28:08,085 --> 00:28:10,086
THAT'LL BE YOUR LITTLE WAY
OF GETTING AROUND IT.
607
00:28:10,086 --> 00:28:13,628
THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW
THE GAYS, EH?
608
00:28:18,628 --> 00:28:20,364
I'D LIKE TO BE GAY.
609
00:28:20,364 --> 00:28:22,799
IT'D FUCKING SUIT ME.
610
00:28:22,799 --> 00:28:24,234
I'M THIS CL--
611
00:28:24,234 --> 00:28:27,938
I STUDIED MUSICAL THEATER
AT UNIVERSITY.
612
00:28:27,938 --> 00:28:31,875
I'M WEARING LEATHER
WITHOUT A SHIRT UNDERNEATH.
613
00:28:31,875 --> 00:28:34,279
[cheers and applause]
614
00:28:36,279 --> 00:28:38,449
I WOULD LOVE TO BE GAY.
615
00:28:38,449 --> 00:28:41,085
I TELL YOU WHY.
'CAUSE I'M A MAN'S MAN.
616
00:28:41,085 --> 00:28:44,622
I LIKE MEN.
MEN LIKE ME.
617
00:28:44,622 --> 00:28:47,290
WE LIKE EACH OTHER.
618
00:28:47,290 --> 00:28:50,661
I HATE WOMEN.
619
00:28:50,661 --> 00:28:53,730
WOMEN HATE ME.
620
00:28:53,730 --> 00:28:56,267
WE HATE EACH OTHER.
621
00:28:56,267 --> 00:28:58,301
THE ONLY REASON
I COULDN'T BE GAY
622
00:28:58,301 --> 00:29:01,105
IS 'CAUSE I COULD NEVER
FUCK A MAN.
623
00:29:01,105 --> 00:29:04,944
'CAUSE I COULD NEVER
FUCK SOMETHING THAT I RESPECT.
624
00:29:07,944 --> 00:29:11,915
[laughs]
625
00:29:11,915 --> 00:29:16,353
THAT'S A GOOD FUCKING JOKE, EH?
THAT'S A GOOD JOKE.
626
00:29:16,353 --> 00:29:17,988
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT JOKE--
627
00:29:17,988 --> 00:29:22,859
THAT JOKE'S WHAT I CALL
AN AWKWARD CAR RIDE HOME.
628
00:29:22,859 --> 00:29:24,828
YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN
ARE GONNA BE DRIVING HOME
629
00:29:24,828 --> 00:29:26,529
WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS
OR WIVES THIS EVENING,
630
00:29:26,529 --> 00:29:27,597
AND THEY HAVE TO DO
THIS ONE--
631
00:29:27,597 --> 00:29:29,465
THEY GOTTA GO,
632
00:29:29,465 --> 00:29:32,869
"WHAT JOKE?
633
00:29:32,869 --> 00:29:37,775
"OH, I DON'T REMEMBER
THAT JOKE.
634
00:29:37,775 --> 00:29:41,511
"I LAUGHED AT IT? ME?
635
00:29:41,511 --> 00:29:46,549
"THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE ME.
636
00:29:46,549 --> 00:29:51,121
"YOU--YOU'RE SAYING
I STOOD UP AND CLAPPED?
637
00:29:51,121 --> 00:29:55,291
"I-I-I WAS PROBABLY LAUGHING
ABOUT THE JOKE BEFORE IT,
638
00:29:55,291 --> 00:29:58,028
"WHERE--WHERE--
WHERE GOD HATED HOMOSEXUALS.
639
00:29:59,028 --> 00:30:00,830
"HOW DID I KNOW
THAT THAT JOKE WAS BEFORE IT
640
00:30:00,830 --> 00:30:03,907
"IF I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT THIS JOKE EVEN EXISTED?
641
00:30:10,907 --> 00:30:13,380
YOUR MOTHER'S A CUNT."
642
00:30:16,380 --> 00:30:20,183
[laughs]
643
00:30:20,183 --> 00:30:21,885
LET'S TELL SOME STORIES.
644
00:30:21,885 --> 00:30:24,355
NOW.
645
00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:28,692
THIS FIRST STORY...
646
00:30:28,692 --> 00:30:30,361
THE FIRST BIT OF THIS STORY
YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW,
647
00:30:30,361 --> 00:30:33,897
IN THE SAME WAY
THAT YOU KNOW THINGS LIKE
648
00:30:33,897 --> 00:30:35,000
"DON'T KILL PEOPLE."
649
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,170
"TRY NOT TO RAPE."
650
00:30:40,170 --> 00:30:41,771
WHEN YOU'RE
ON AN AIRPLANE,
651
00:30:41,771 --> 00:30:43,840
THERE'S A THING CALLED
PLANE ETIQUETTE,
652
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,675
AND IT GOES LIKE THIS:
653
00:30:45,675 --> 00:30:48,913
WINDOW GETS AN ARMREST
AND A WALL.
654
00:30:48,913 --> 00:30:51,414
MIDDLE GETS TWO ARMRESTS.
655
00:30:51,414 --> 00:30:54,019
AISLE GETS AN ARMREST
AND A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA LEG.
656
00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:56,753
WE'RE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS.
657
00:30:56,753 --> 00:31:00,423
WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY.
658
00:31:00,423 --> 00:31:02,960
SO I WAS ON A FLIGHT
FROM LOS ANGELES TO HOUSTON,
659
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:06,630
AND I HAD THE MIDDLE SEAT,
AND THAT SUCKS BALLS.
660
00:31:06,630 --> 00:31:08,231
SO I'M SITTING THERE
WITH MY TWO ARMRESTS.
661
00:31:08,231 --> 00:31:09,599
NEXT TO ME IS
A PETITE YOUNG LADY.
662
00:31:09,599 --> 00:31:11,101
SHE'S DOING HER JOB,
ARMREST, WALL.
663
00:31:11,101 --> 00:31:12,736
I'M IN THE MIDDLE,
TWO ARMRESTS.
664
00:31:12,736 --> 00:31:15,873
SITTING NEXT TO ME HERE
IS A GREAT BIG BLACK MAN
665
00:31:15,873 --> 00:31:19,108
WHO'S AS GAY
AS THE DAY IS LONG.
666
00:31:19,108 --> 00:31:22,378
HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME,
AND WE DO THE NICETIES.
667
00:31:22,378 --> 00:31:24,914
"HELLO."
"HELLO."
668
00:31:24,914 --> 00:31:26,416
AND THEN,
WITH NO ISSUE WHATSOEVER,
669
00:31:26,416 --> 00:31:28,986
HE SEES MY ELBOW THERE,
AND HE JUST WENT--JOCK.
670
00:31:28,986 --> 00:31:31,755
AND I WENT...
671
00:31:31,755 --> 00:31:34,557
NOW, I'M PRETTY UPSET,
BUT HE'S A BIG FUCKING GUY,
672
00:31:34,557 --> 00:31:36,059
AND IT'S A LONG FLIGHT,
673
00:31:36,059 --> 00:31:37,795
SO THERE'S NO NEED
TO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT.
674
00:31:37,795 --> 00:31:39,963
SO I HAVE THAT ARGUMENT
THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEAD
675
00:31:39,963 --> 00:31:41,632
WHERE THE OTHER PERSON
DOESN'T KNOW
676
00:31:41,632 --> 00:31:43,733
YOU'RE HAVING AN ARGUMENT,
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,
677
00:31:43,733 --> 00:31:45,134
"YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE,
678
00:31:45,134 --> 00:31:46,971
"AND IF YOU SAID THIS,
THEN I WOULD SAY,
679
00:31:46,971 --> 00:31:48,939
'WELL, GOOD SIR,
I THINK YOU'RE MISTAKEN.'"
680
00:31:48,939 --> 00:31:52,276
RIGHT?
681
00:31:52,276 --> 00:31:54,979
SO I SIT THERE FESTERING
FOR, LIKE, 45 MINUTES.
682
00:31:54,979 --> 00:31:56,313
THEN EVENTUALLY,
THE AIR STEWARDESS COMES
683
00:31:56,313 --> 00:31:57,914
WITH THE DRINK CART.
684
00:31:57,914 --> 00:31:59,516
NOW, WHILE I'M
ON AIR STEWARDESSES, RIGHT?
685
00:31:59,516 --> 00:32:00,951
WHENEVER YOU WATCH A MOVIE
SET IN THE '60s
686
00:32:00,951 --> 00:32:02,853
AND THEY SHOW
AIR STEWARDESSES,
687
00:32:02,853 --> 00:32:05,321
OR AN OLD TV SHOW--THAT SHOW,
LIKE, PAN-AM OR SOMETHING--
688
00:32:05,321 --> 00:32:06,957
THEY ALWAYS DEPICT
AIR STEWARDESSES
689
00:32:06,957 --> 00:32:08,959
AS THESE HOT YOUNG THINGS
WITH A PILLBOX HAT,
690
00:32:08,959 --> 00:32:10,493
AND A LITTLE BUN,
AND BIG TITS,
691
00:32:10,493 --> 00:32:13,463
AND A SMALL WAIST,
AND HAULING A BAG, GOING...
692
00:32:13,463 --> 00:32:15,098
LIKE THAT.
693
00:32:15,098 --> 00:32:18,038
I DON'T THINK ANY
OF THOSE WOMEN HAVE RETIRED.
694
00:32:21,038 --> 00:32:23,840
'CAUSE THIS THING WAS JUST
695
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:28,211
BEING PROPPED UP
BY THE DRINK CART.
696
00:32:28,211 --> 00:32:30,381
50 YEARS
OF RECYCLED AIR
697
00:32:30,381 --> 00:32:32,648
HAD MADE HER SKIN
DRIP OFF HER SKULL
698
00:32:32,648 --> 00:32:37,320
LIKE THE END
OF RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.
699
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,955
SHE COMES UP.
700
00:32:38,955 --> 00:32:42,526
THE GUY REACHES OVER
FOR HIS DRINK AND HIS PRETZELS.
701
00:32:42,526 --> 00:32:44,795
ARMREST OPEN.
BANG!
702
00:32:44,795 --> 00:32:46,696
I'M BACK IN.
703
00:32:46,696 --> 00:32:51,535
AND I'M NOT FUCKING GOING
ANYWHERE, EITHER.
704
00:32:51,535 --> 00:32:53,904
HE PUTS ALL OF HIS THINGS
DOWN ON HIS TRAY,
705
00:32:53,904 --> 00:32:55,638
AND HE GOES TO PUT
HIS ELBOW BACK,
706
00:32:55,638 --> 00:32:58,075
BUT HE FUCKING CAN'T,
CAN HE?
707
00:32:58,075 --> 00:33:00,210
HE CAN'T 'CAUSE THERE'S
A WALL THERE
708
00:33:00,210 --> 00:33:01,511
CALLED JIM JEFFERIES,
709
00:33:01,511 --> 00:33:03,146
AND HE CAN'T
FUCKING MOVE IT.
710
00:33:03,146 --> 00:33:04,548
RIGHT?
711
00:33:04,548 --> 00:33:06,049
AND HE'S PUSHING,
HE'S PUSHING,
712
00:33:06,049 --> 00:33:07,750
AND I'M ACTING
LIKE I CAN'T FEEL IT,
713
00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:10,825
LIKE THIS, BUT CASUAL,
LIKE--LIKE...
714
00:33:14,825 --> 00:33:17,094
THEN HE GETS HIS FIST LIKE THIS
AND HIS HAND LIKE THAT,
715
00:33:17,094 --> 00:33:19,096
AND HE'S PUSHING
REALLY HARD BACK,
716
00:33:19,096 --> 00:33:22,934
AND I'M TRYING
TO DO THAT CASUAL.
717
00:33:24,934 --> 00:33:27,070
BUT HE'S MUCH BIGGER THAN ME,
AND EVENTUALLY,
718
00:33:27,070 --> 00:33:28,404
I HAVE TO GIVE IN.
719
00:33:28,404 --> 00:33:31,575
I JUST WENT--JOCK.
720
00:33:31,575 --> 00:33:36,547
SO I TURNED TO HIM AND SAID
WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID.
721
00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:40,250
"WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CUNT?"
722
00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:42,920
NOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT
THAT WORD IN THIS COUNTRY
723
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,890
ISN'T AS POPULAR
AS MAYBE IT SHOULD BE.
724
00:33:46,890 --> 00:33:50,193
PEOPLE WERE FREAKING
THE FUCK OUT.
725
00:33:50,193 --> 00:33:52,061
THEY WERE GOING, "HE DID.
HE JUST SAID IT.
726
00:33:52,061 --> 00:33:55,265
"I HEARD HIM SAY IT.
727
00:33:55,265 --> 00:33:57,601
"CALLED THAT MAN A 'C' BOMB.
I HEARD HIM SAY IT.
728
00:33:57,601 --> 00:33:59,869
"BOB, CALLED THE MAN
A 'C' BOMB.
729
00:33:59,869 --> 00:34:02,405
BOB."
730
00:34:02,405 --> 00:34:03,740
AND HE WAS SHOCKED AS WELL.
731
00:34:03,740 --> 00:34:05,909
HE TURNED TO ME,
AND HE WENT, "EXCUSE ME?
732
00:34:05,909 --> 00:34:07,743
WHAT DID YOU
JUST CALL ME?"
733
00:34:07,743 --> 00:34:09,947
BUT IN FOR A PENNY,
IN FOR A POUND, RIGHT?
734
00:34:09,947 --> 00:34:11,280
AND I WAS THERE GOING,
735
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,818
"A CUNT, SIR.
736
00:34:14,818 --> 00:34:17,487
I CALLED YOU A CUNT."
737
00:34:17,487 --> 00:34:19,289
AND HE SAID, "ARE YOU UPSET
BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING
738
00:34:19,289 --> 00:34:20,791
TO TAKE MY ARMREST?"
739
00:34:20,791 --> 00:34:22,826
AND I WENT, "YOU DON'T KNOW
PLANE ETIQUETTE.
740
00:34:22,826 --> 00:34:24,661
"WINDOW GETS AN ARMREST
AND A WALL.
741
00:34:24,661 --> 00:34:26,329
"MIDDLE GETS TWO ARMRESTS.
742
00:34:26,329 --> 00:34:28,764
"AISLE GETS AN ARMREST
AND A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA LEG.
743
00:34:28,764 --> 00:34:30,099
"WE'RE NOT FUCKING ANIMALS.
744
00:34:30,099 --> 00:34:33,606
WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY."
745
00:34:35,606 --> 00:34:37,807
AND THE PEOPLE THAT INITIALLY
HATED ME AGREED WITH ME.
746
00:34:37,807 --> 00:34:39,242
THEY'RE LIKE,
"HE IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
747
00:34:39,242 --> 00:34:41,478
"THAT IS TRUE.
748
00:34:41,478 --> 00:34:43,579
"THAT IS TRUE.
749
00:34:43,579 --> 00:34:47,650
WE DO LIVE IN A SOCIETY."
750
00:34:47,650 --> 00:34:49,119
AND HE WENT,
"OH, I'M ONLY TAKING
751
00:34:49,119 --> 00:34:50,420
"THE BACK OF THE ARMREST.
752
00:34:50,420 --> 00:34:51,922
YOU CAN HAVE THE REST
OF THE ARMREST."
753
00:34:51,922 --> 00:34:54,824
AND I WENT,
"YOU TAKE THE BACK,
754
00:34:54,824 --> 00:34:57,628
"YOU TAKE THE WHOLE
FUCKING THING.
755
00:34:57,628 --> 00:35:02,132
"NO ONE GIVES A FUCK
ABOUT THE FRONT OF THE ARMREST.
756
00:35:02,132 --> 00:35:03,699
"NO ONE'S EVER GONE,
757
00:35:03,699 --> 00:35:08,304
'THANKS FOR THE FRONT
OF THE ARMREST.'"
758
00:35:08,304 --> 00:35:11,141
I SAID, "IT'S NOT JUST
THAT YOU'RE TAKING MY ARMREST.
759
00:35:11,141 --> 00:35:14,677
"YOUR ELBOW HAS COME
OVER THE ARMREST,
760
00:35:14,677 --> 00:35:17,347
AND IT'S DIGGING
INTO MY RIB CAGE."
761
00:35:17,347 --> 00:35:19,782
AND HE SAID, "WELL, MAYBE
IF YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT..."
762
00:35:19,782 --> 00:35:20,784
- OH!
763
00:35:20,784 --> 00:35:23,853
- I KNOW.
764
00:35:23,853 --> 00:35:25,789
I WAS--
I WAS GOBSMACKED.
765
00:35:25,789 --> 00:35:27,523
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO FUCKING SAY.
766
00:35:27,523 --> 00:35:29,893
I JUST TURNED TO HIM
AND WENT,
767
00:35:29,893 --> 00:35:33,864
"YOU BITCHY QUEEN."
768
00:35:33,864 --> 00:35:36,532
NOW EVERYONE ON THE PLANE
HAS LOST THEIR FUCKING SHIT.
769
00:35:36,532 --> 00:35:39,369
THE MOVIE--THE MOVIE
CAN FUCK OFF, MATE.
770
00:35:39,369 --> 00:35:42,172
NO ONE'S WATCHING
THE FUCKING MOVIE.
771
00:35:42,172 --> 00:35:44,307
I'M THE ENTERTAINMENT NOW.
772
00:35:44,307 --> 00:35:46,842
THE AIR STEWARDESS
COMES RUNNING BACK
773
00:35:46,842 --> 00:35:48,177
ON HER WALKER.
774
00:35:48,177 --> 00:35:51,547
SHE COMES UP TO US
AND SHE GOES,
775
00:35:51,547 --> 00:35:53,182
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"
776
00:35:53,182 --> 00:35:55,686
AND I SAID, "I WANT THIS
FUCKING ASSHOLE AWAY FROM ME!"
777
00:35:55,686 --> 00:35:57,554
AND SHE SAID, "SIR,
THIS IS NOT THE SITUATION
778
00:35:57,554 --> 00:35:58,655
TO BE SWEARING IN."
779
00:35:58,655 --> 00:36:00,190
I WENT, "YES, IT IS.
780
00:36:00,190 --> 00:36:02,025
WE'RE HAVING A FIGHT."
781
00:36:03,025 --> 00:36:06,396
AND SHE WENT, "WELL...
782
00:36:06,396 --> 00:36:08,398
THERE'S NO NEED
FOR NAME-CALLING."
783
00:36:08,398 --> 00:36:09,733
I CALLED THE GUY
A BITCHY QUEEN,
784
00:36:09,733 --> 00:36:11,668
SO I SORT OF GET
WHAT SHE'S SAYING.
785
00:36:11,668 --> 00:36:12,869
AND I TURNED TO HER
AND SAID,
786
00:36:12,869 --> 00:36:15,572
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
787
00:36:15,572 --> 00:36:19,076
"THERE IS NEVER A NEED
FOR NAME-CALLING.
788
00:36:19,076 --> 00:36:21,077
"BUT...
789
00:36:21,077 --> 00:36:25,282
"AS A PROUD GAY MAN
MYSELF...
790
00:36:25,282 --> 00:36:26,449
"I FEEL LIKE I'VE EARNED
THE RIGHT
791
00:36:26,449 --> 00:36:29,057
TO SAY SUCH WORDS,
SO..."
792
00:36:35,057 --> 00:36:38,561
SHE APOLOGIZED.
793
00:36:38,561 --> 00:36:43,567
THE GAY GUY KNOWS
I'M FUCKING LYING.
794
00:36:43,567 --> 00:36:46,076
HE'S FAGGING THE FUCK OUT,
JUST...
795
00:36:53,076 --> 00:36:54,710
AND THE AIR STEWARDESS
IS SAYING,
796
00:36:54,710 --> 00:36:56,746
"CAN EVERYONE CALM DOWN?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?"
797
00:36:56,746 --> 00:36:58,981
AND HE WENT, "HE'S TRYING
TO TAKE MY ARMREST."
798
00:36:58,981 --> 00:37:00,284
AND THE AIR STEWARDESS WENT,
"EVERYONE KNOWS
799
00:37:00,284 --> 00:37:02,552
THE MIDDLE GETS
TWO ARMRESTS."
800
00:37:02,552 --> 00:37:04,288
AND I WENT, "SEE?"
801
00:37:04,288 --> 00:37:05,655
SHE GOES, "I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO BREAK YOU TWO UP."
802
00:37:05,655 --> 00:37:07,257
AND SHE POINTED TO THE MAN
AND SAID, "SIR,
803
00:37:07,257 --> 00:37:08,925
"YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO FIND A SEAT
804
00:37:08,925 --> 00:37:11,460
AT THE BACK OF THE PLANE."
805
00:37:11,460 --> 00:37:12,896
I'M VICTORIOUS.
806
00:37:12,896 --> 00:37:14,231
I STAND UP.
807
00:37:14,231 --> 00:37:18,302
I BASH MY HEAD
ON THE THING.
808
00:37:18,302 --> 00:37:20,637
I POINT AT THE MAN.
809
00:37:20,637 --> 00:37:24,940
AND I WENT, "GET TO THE BACK
OF THE PLANE!"
810
00:37:24,940 --> 00:37:27,344
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
ON THAT PLANE
811
00:37:27,344 --> 00:37:30,815
HADN'T SEEN THE REST
OF THE ARGUMENT.
812
00:37:32,815 --> 00:37:36,952
ALL THEY HAVE SEEN IS ME
POINTING AT A BLACK MAN,
813
00:37:36,952 --> 00:37:40,489
YELLING, "GET TO THE BACK
OF THE PLANE."
814
00:37:40,489 --> 00:37:44,594
THINGS GOT REAL AWKWARD
REAL FUCKING QUICK.
815
00:37:44,594 --> 00:37:47,831
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I'D DONE YET.
816
00:37:47,831 --> 00:37:50,367
PEOPLE WERE YELLING AT ME,
CALLING ME A RACIST,
817
00:37:50,367 --> 00:37:52,369
AND I WAS LIKE...
818
00:37:52,369 --> 00:37:56,275
[tensely]
"I KNOW, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
819
00:37:59,275 --> 00:38:01,143
THEN A GUY THREW
A BAG OF PEANUTS
820
00:38:01,143 --> 00:38:02,679
AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD
AND SAID,
821
00:38:02,679 --> 00:38:04,780
"SIT DOWN,
YOU LIMEY BASTARD!"
822
00:38:04,780 --> 00:38:06,849
AND I WAS LIKE,
"THAT'S THE BRITISH!
823
00:38:06,849 --> 00:38:09,623
I'M AUSTRALIAN,
YOU FUCKING RACIST!"
824
00:38:14,623 --> 00:38:16,360
WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE
A LOT OF SENSE
825
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:18,862
IF BEING BRITISH OR AUSTRALIAN
WAS A RACE
826
00:38:18,862 --> 00:38:21,398
AND NOT A NATIONALITY.
827
00:38:21,398 --> 00:38:23,199
BUT AT THAT STAGE,
828
00:38:23,199 --> 00:38:25,902
I WAS CLUTCHING
AT STRAWS, REALLY.
829
00:38:25,902 --> 00:38:30,172
SO I GO SIT BACK DOWN
IN HIS OLD CHAIR.
830
00:38:30,172 --> 00:38:31,842
WE GOT THE EMPTY SWEET
BETWEEN US.
831
00:38:31,842 --> 00:38:35,811
ME AND THE GIRL
POUND IT OUT.
832
00:38:35,811 --> 00:38:38,648
NOW, LATER ON THE FLIGHT,
833
00:38:38,648 --> 00:38:41,918
I'M WALKING UP THE BACK
OF THE PLANE TO THE TOILET,
834
00:38:41,918 --> 00:38:44,391
AND I WANT TO SEE THE GUY,
'CAUSE I WANT TO GO...
835
00:38:48,391 --> 00:38:49,760
AND I GET ALL THE WAY
TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE.
836
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:50,994
I DON'T SEE HIM ANYWHERE.
837
00:38:50,994 --> 00:38:52,396
I'M ABOUT TO GO
IN THE TOILET,
838
00:38:52,396 --> 00:38:54,697
AND THEN I SEE HIS LEG
AROUND THE CORNER.
839
00:38:54,697 --> 00:38:56,766
THERE WERE NO MORE SEATS.
840
00:38:56,766 --> 00:38:58,902
THIS IS A FULL FLIGHT.
841
00:38:58,902 --> 00:39:00,904
HE'S SITTING IN
THE AIR STEWARDESS' LANDING SEAT
842
00:39:00,904 --> 00:39:03,507
THAT FOLDS DOWN
WITH THE SEATBELT OVER THE TOP,
843
00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:07,911
LIKE HE'S IN A FUCKING
GO-CART.
844
00:39:07,911 --> 00:39:09,545
I PUT MY HEAD
AROUND THE CORNER.
845
00:39:09,545 --> 00:39:14,217
I WENT, "NO ARMRESTS HERE,
DICKHEAD."
846
00:39:14,217 --> 00:39:15,385
AND THE AIR STEWARDESS WENT,
847
00:39:15,385 --> 00:39:16,019
"YOU GET BACK
TO YOUR SEAT,"
848
00:39:17,019 --> 00:39:18,521
AND I RAN AWAY
LIKE A CHILD, LIKE...
849
00:39:18,521 --> 00:39:20,429
[laughing giddily]
850
00:39:25,429 --> 00:39:27,797
SO FOR LANDING,
I GO AND SIT BACK DOWN
851
00:39:27,797 --> 00:39:29,298
IN HIS OLD SEAT.
852
00:39:29,298 --> 00:39:30,867
NOW, THE AIR STEWARDESS' SEAT
IS TAKEN,
853
00:39:30,867 --> 00:39:33,036
SO SHE'S TAKING MY OLD SEAT
IN THE MIDDLE,
854
00:39:33,036 --> 00:39:35,938
AND SHE FUCKING HATES ME.
855
00:39:35,938 --> 00:39:38,577
AND I'M TAKING BOTH ARMRESTS.
FUCK HER.
856
00:39:41,577 --> 00:39:43,547
AND AS WE'RE LANDING,
857
00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:45,449
THE GUY OVER THE AISLE
LEANS OVER AND GOES,
858
00:39:45,449 --> 00:39:48,318
"EXCUSE ME.
YOU'RE JIM JEFFERIES, RIGHT?"
859
00:39:48,318 --> 00:39:50,619
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, MAN.
HOW YOU DOING?"
860
00:39:50,619 --> 00:39:53,766
AND HE WENT, "I HAD NO IDEA
YOU WERE GAY."
861
00:40:02,766 --> 00:40:06,235
"FUCKIN' YEAH, MAN.
862
00:40:06,235 --> 00:40:09,478
I-I-I LIKE COCK."
863
00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:18,514
I-I THREATEN ANY, LIKE,
FUCKING TECHNO DJ GUY
864
00:40:18,514 --> 00:40:21,617
WHO'S WATCHING
THIS SPECIAL...
865
00:40:21,617 --> 00:40:24,154
TO MAKE SOME SONG OUT OF,
"I HATE FAGGOTS!"
866
00:40:24,154 --> 00:40:26,822
"I LIKE COCK."
867
00:40:26,822 --> 00:40:28,625
โช DA DA DA DA DA DA โช
I HATE FAGGOTS!
868
00:40:28,625 --> 00:40:31,965
โช DA DA DA DA DA DA โช
I LIKE COCK.
869
00:40:34,965 --> 00:40:38,802
OH, IT'S GONNA BE POPULAR
IN EUROPE.
870
00:40:38,802 --> 00:40:40,936
NOW, THIS LAST STORY
871
00:40:40,936 --> 00:40:42,672
HAPPENED FIVE YEARS AGO
872
00:40:42,672 --> 00:40:46,175
AND INVOLVES A VERY FAMOUS,
FAMOUS MOVIE-STAR COMEDIAN.
873
00:40:46,175 --> 00:40:47,811
I WON'T SAY HIS NAME,
874
00:40:47,811 --> 00:40:51,981
AS HE COMES OUT OF THIS STORY
VERY POORLY.
875
00:40:51,981 --> 00:40:53,717
FIVE YEARS AGO,
I WAS PERFORMING
876
00:40:53,717 --> 00:40:55,851
AT THE JUST FOR LAUGHS
COMEDY FESTIVAL IN MONTREAL.
877
00:40:55,851 --> 00:40:57,487
I WAS OUT THERE.
878
00:40:57,487 --> 00:40:59,456
IT WAS BEFORE MY CAREER
HAD TAKEN OFF OVER HERE A BIT.
879
00:40:59,456 --> 00:41:02,192
I WAS OUT THERE SUPPORTING
A VERY FAMOUS COMEDIAN.
880
00:41:02,192 --> 00:41:04,159
I WAS JUST DOING
THE TEN-MINUTE WARM-UP
881
00:41:04,159 --> 00:41:05,028
IN A BIG THEATER LIKE THIS.
882
00:41:06,028 --> 00:41:08,532
AND FOR ME, IT WAS
A GREAT STAGE IN MY CAREER,
883
00:41:08,532 --> 00:41:10,634
'CAUSE I'D NEVER BEEN FLOWN
OVERSEAS TO DO A GIG.
884
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,135
I'D NEVER MET
A MOVIE STAR.
885
00:41:12,135 --> 00:41:13,702
I'D NEVER PERFORMED
IN A THEATER.
886
00:41:13,702 --> 00:41:15,972
IT WAS EXCITING TIMES,
YOU KNOW?
887
00:41:15,972 --> 00:41:17,806
I GET TO THE STAGE DOOR
AFTER THE GIG,
888
00:41:17,806 --> 00:41:20,342
AND THERE'S LIKE 300 PEOPLE
WAITING IN THE ALLEYWAY
889
00:41:20,342 --> 00:41:24,047
JUST TO GET THIS GUY'S PHOTO
OR AN AUTOGRAPH OR SOMETHING.
890
00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:26,715
AND I'M STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE
LIKE A BIT OF A DOUCHE BAG,
891
00:41:26,715 --> 00:41:29,686
LIKE...
892
00:41:29,686 --> 00:41:32,322
AND THEN THESE TWO 18-YEAR-OLD
FRENCH CANADIAN GIRLS
893
00:41:32,322 --> 00:41:33,923
COME UP
AND START TALKING TO ME.
894
00:41:33,923 --> 00:41:38,228
NOW, ONE OF THEM'S ALL HOT
AND 18 AND WAHHH,
895
00:41:38,228 --> 00:41:39,429
RIGHT?
896
00:41:39,429 --> 00:41:41,831
AND--AND THE OTHER ONE'S
MORE...
897
00:41:41,831 --> 00:41:43,904
[makes whooshing sound]
898
00:41:47,904 --> 00:41:49,172
FAT.
899
00:41:49,172 --> 00:41:52,108
SO...
900
00:41:52,108 --> 00:41:53,742
I'M TALKING
TO THE TWO GIRLS.
901
00:41:53,742 --> 00:41:55,779
EVENTUALLY, THE MOVIE STAR
STOPS DOING PHOTOS
902
00:41:55,779 --> 00:41:57,280
AND HE WALKS OVER,
903
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,583
AND THE GIRLS LOSE
THEIR FUCKING SHIT, RIGHT?
904
00:41:59,583 --> 00:42:01,251
WE GO OUT DRINKING.
905
00:42:01,251 --> 00:42:03,253
IT GETS TO, LIKE,
4:00 IN THE MORNING,
906
00:42:03,253 --> 00:42:04,021
AND THEY YELL LAST ORDERS.
907
00:42:05,021 --> 00:42:07,556
NOW, EVERY MAN KNOWS
THIS MOMENT IN THE NIGHT.
908
00:42:07,556 --> 00:42:09,592
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON A GIRL
FOR HOURS.
909
00:42:09,592 --> 00:42:11,260
YOU HAVEN'T CLOSED THE DEAL.
910
00:42:11,260 --> 00:42:12,762
THEY'VE TURNED
THE LIGHTS ON,
911
00:42:12,762 --> 00:42:14,563
THEY'VE YELLED LAST ORDERS,
912
00:42:14,563 --> 00:42:16,298
AND YOU'RE IN THAT
PRESSURE COOKER OF TIME
913
00:42:16,298 --> 00:42:19,436
WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO,
"UH, YOU WANNA FUCK?"
914
00:42:19,436 --> 00:42:21,371
RIGHT? SO...
915
00:42:21,371 --> 00:42:23,106
I'M GONNA LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET,
916
00:42:23,106 --> 00:42:24,773
WHICH A LOT
OF COMEDIANS DON'T.
917
00:42:24,773 --> 00:42:26,643
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DID
IN THIS SITUATION.
918
00:42:26,643 --> 00:42:28,244
I SAID TO THE GIRLS--
I SAID, "HEY.
919
00:42:28,244 --> 00:42:29,478
LET'S STAY OUT DRINKING."
920
00:42:29,478 --> 00:42:31,047
AND THE GIRLS GO,
"WE CAN'T.
921
00:42:31,047 --> 00:42:32,449
ALL THE BARS ARE SHUT."
922
00:42:32,449 --> 00:42:35,217
AND I SAID, "NOT THE BAR
BACK AT OUR HOTEL.
923
00:42:35,217 --> 00:42:38,054
THE BAR AT OUR HOTEL
IS STILL OPEN."
924
00:42:38,054 --> 00:42:40,923
NOW, I SHOULD MENTION
AT THIS STAGE OF THE STORY
925
00:42:40,923 --> 00:42:44,293
THAT I KNEW FULL WELL
THAT THE BAR AT THE HOTEL
926
00:42:44,293 --> 00:42:46,795
WAS NOT OPEN.
927
00:42:46,795 --> 00:42:48,965
WE GET BACK TO THE HOTEL,
THE BAR IS SHUT,
928
00:42:48,965 --> 00:42:52,635
AND I'M LIKE THIS,
"OH, NO!
929
00:42:52,635 --> 00:42:56,271
"THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
930
00:42:56,271 --> 00:42:59,074
THANK FUCK I HAVE DRINKS
UP IN MY ROOM."
931
00:42:59,074 --> 00:43:00,610
AND THEN THE GIRLS
COME UP TO THE ROOM,
932
00:43:00,610 --> 00:43:03,282
AND THE SPIDER WEB OF DECEIT
IS COMPLETE.
933
00:43:07,282 --> 00:43:10,487
NOW, WE'RE ALL UP THERE
DRINKING.
934
00:43:10,487 --> 00:43:13,023
AFTER ABOUT 15 MINUTES,
THE OTHER COMEDIAN BECOMES
935
00:43:14,023 --> 00:43:16,492
WHAT I CAN ONLY CALL...
936
00:43:16,492 --> 00:43:20,262
RAPEY.
937
00:43:20,262 --> 00:43:22,297
HE WANTED THE TWO GIRLS
TO KISS EACH OTHER,
938
00:43:22,297 --> 00:43:23,800
BUT HE WASN'T DOING
THAT DRUNKEN,
939
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,168
"HOW 'BOUT YOU TWO
START KISSING?"
940
00:43:26,168 --> 00:43:29,672
HE WAS GRABBING THE BACK
OF EACH OF THEIR HEADS,
941
00:43:29,672 --> 00:43:32,842
GOING, "DO IT!
KISS EACH OTHER! DO IT!"
942
00:43:32,842 --> 00:43:35,277
NOW, I WAS SORT OF IN AWE
OF THIS GUY,
943
00:43:35,277 --> 00:43:37,280
SO I WAS KIND OF NERVOUS,
SO I WAS LIKE,
944
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,516
[awkward]
"AWW.
945
00:43:39,516 --> 00:43:42,686
DON'T DO THAT."
946
00:43:42,686 --> 00:43:44,454
BUT THERE'S A BIT
OF MY BRAIN GOING,
947
00:43:44,454 --> 00:43:46,655
"BUT IF YOU PULL THIS OFF,
I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU."
948
00:43:46,655 --> 00:43:50,193
RIGHT?
949
00:43:50,193 --> 00:43:52,695
THE GUY SORT OF CHECKS HIMSELF
VERY QUICKLY, AND HE'S LIKE,
950
00:43:52,695 --> 00:43:54,463
"OH, I'M SORRY, JIM.
I'M SORRY, GIRLS.
951
00:43:54,463 --> 00:43:55,699
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT CAME OVER ME."
952
00:43:55,699 --> 00:43:57,867
AND WE FORGIVE HIM
RATHER QUICKLY.
953
00:43:57,867 --> 00:43:59,369
WE CONTINUE ON DRINKING.
954
00:43:59,369 --> 00:44:02,639
ABOUT 40 MINUTES LATER,
WE RUN OUT OF COCA-COLA
955
00:44:02,639 --> 00:44:03,972
TO MIX
WITH THE JACK DANIELS,
956
00:44:03,972 --> 00:44:05,742
SO I GO OUT
TO THE VENDING MACHINE
957
00:44:05,742 --> 00:44:07,210
TO GET MORE COKE.
958
00:44:07,210 --> 00:44:09,079
I COME BACK IN
WITH ALL THESE CANS OF COKE
959
00:44:09,079 --> 00:44:10,547
UNDER MY ARM.
960
00:44:10,547 --> 00:44:12,382
NOW, OBVIOUSLY,
SINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY,
961
00:44:12,382 --> 00:44:15,552
THE RAPEYNESS HAS SURGED
BACK THROUGH HIS VEINS,
962
00:44:15,552 --> 00:44:17,887
'CAUSE HE NOW HAS
ONE OF THE GIRLS
963
00:44:17,887 --> 00:44:19,389
PINNED UP
AGAINST THE WALL
964
00:44:19,389 --> 00:44:21,090
AND HE'S TEARING
AT HER TOP.
965
00:44:21,090 --> 00:44:24,360
THE OTHER GIRL'S ON HIS BACK
TRYING TO FIGHT HIM OFF.
966
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:29,398
NOW, AS EXCITING AS IT WAS
TO SEE MY FIRST RAPE, I--
967
00:44:29,398 --> 00:44:31,568
[laughter]
968
00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:34,404
I REALLY FELT
LIKE I SHOULD INTERVENE,
969
00:44:34,404 --> 00:44:35,739
BUT I WAS NERVOUS.
970
00:44:35,739 --> 00:44:37,907
SO I WAS KIND OF LIKE
GEORGE MCFLY
971
00:44:37,907 --> 00:44:40,347
FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE.
972
00:44:44,347 --> 00:44:49,219
[imitating George McFly]
"HEY, YOU.
973
00:44:49,219 --> 00:44:52,259
YOU GET YOUR DAMN HANDS
OFF HER."
974
00:44:56,259 --> 00:44:58,293
AND HE GAVE ME
THE MOST EVIL LOOK
975
00:44:58,293 --> 00:45:00,764
I'VE EVER HAD
FROM ANOTHER PERSON.
976
00:45:00,764 --> 00:45:02,264
HE SLAMMED THAT GIRL
AGAINST THE WALL.
977
00:45:02,264 --> 00:45:03,766
HE FOUGHT THE OTHER ONE
OFF HIS BACK.
978
00:45:03,766 --> 00:45:05,534
AND HE LOOKED AT ME,
AND HE GOES,
979
00:45:05,534 --> 00:45:08,773
"I'M GONNA MAKE SURE
YOU NEVER WORK WITH ME AGAIN."
980
00:45:10,773 --> 00:45:13,076
"AND YOU GIRLS
CAN FUCK OFF AS WELL.
981
00:45:13,076 --> 00:45:14,309
I'M GOING TO BED."
982
00:45:14,309 --> 00:45:15,744
THEN HE STORMS
OUT OF THE ROOM,
983
00:45:15,744 --> 00:45:17,112
AND HE SLAMS THE DOOR
BEHIND HIM.
984
00:45:17,112 --> 00:45:19,047
NOW, THE GIRLS
ARE ABOUT TO CRY,
985
00:45:19,047 --> 00:45:22,219
SO I'VE GOT TO KEEP THINGS
UPBEAT, RIGHT?
986
00:45:24,219 --> 00:45:25,387
YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE WITH A CHILD,
987
00:45:25,387 --> 00:45:26,822
AND THE CHILD'S FALLEN OVER,
988
00:45:26,822 --> 00:45:28,557
AND THERE'S
THAT SMALL WINDOW OF TIME
989
00:45:28,557 --> 00:45:30,893
WHERE THE CHILD DOESN'T KNOW
IT'S HURT ITSELF?
990
00:45:30,893 --> 00:45:34,797
AND IF YOU JUST GO,
"AGGGGH!"
991
00:45:34,797 --> 00:45:39,335
THE KID SORT OF GOES,
"OH, NO, WHAT'S HAPPENED?"
992
00:45:39,335 --> 00:45:41,938
SO HE'S STORMED OUT,
THE GIRLS ARE ABOUT TO CRY,
993
00:45:41,938 --> 00:45:43,007
AND I'M ACTUALLY GOING,
"WHOA-HAAAAA!
994
00:45:44,007 --> 00:45:47,177
"AHHH. SOMEONE HAD
TOO MUCH TO DRINK,
995
00:45:47,177 --> 00:45:48,411
NOW, DIDN'T THEY?"
996
00:45:48,411 --> 00:45:50,179
[chuckles awkwardly]
997
00:45:50,179 --> 00:45:52,581
"DON'T CRY.
998
00:45:52,581 --> 00:45:54,983
"I'M NOT GONNA RAPE YA.
999
00:45:54,983 --> 00:45:57,619
"UH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK.
1000
00:45:57,619 --> 00:45:59,521
"LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
1001
00:45:59,521 --> 00:46:01,690
"I'LL LOCK THE DOOR, OKAY?
1002
00:46:01,690 --> 00:46:03,259
"HE CAN'T GET BACK IN,
1003
00:46:03,259 --> 00:46:04,027
"BUT YOU CAN'T GET OU--
NO, I'M JOKING!
1004
00:46:05,027 --> 00:46:06,329
"I'M JOKING! I'M JOKING!
I'M JOKING! I'M JOKING!
1005
00:46:06,329 --> 00:46:08,697
"I'M J-J-J-J--!
1006
00:46:08,697 --> 00:46:11,768
THERE'S NO RAPE."
1007
00:46:11,768 --> 00:46:15,871
SO THE GIRLS CALM DOWN.
1008
00:46:15,871 --> 00:46:18,708
I GO OVER TO A TABLE
IN THE ROOM
1009
00:46:18,708 --> 00:46:22,846
AND I START CUTTING UP
A GRAM OF COKE.
1010
00:46:22,846 --> 00:46:26,548
NOW, I TURN AROUND
TO OFFER THE GIRLS A LINE,
1011
00:46:26,548 --> 00:46:29,853
BUT THE LOOK OF HORROR
THAT IS ON THEIR FACES--
1012
00:46:29,853 --> 00:46:31,387
THESE ARE 18-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.
1013
00:46:31,387 --> 00:46:32,989
THEY'D NEVER SEEN COCAINE.
1014
00:46:32,989 --> 00:46:34,657
I MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE TURNED AROUND
1015
00:46:34,657 --> 00:46:38,795
WITH A BELT AROUND MY ARM,
HOLDING A NEEDLE, JUST...
1016
00:46:39,795 --> 00:46:41,563
SO AS SOON AS I SAW
THEIR FACES,
1017
00:46:41,563 --> 00:46:43,632
I TRIED TO DOWNPLAY
THE SITUATION,
1018
00:46:43,632 --> 00:46:45,583
SO I WENT...
1019
00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:05,688
"I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.
1020
00:47:05,688 --> 00:47:09,559
"THE--THE BAD MAN
GAVE IT TO ME.
1021
00:47:09,559 --> 00:47:12,996
IT'S PROBABLY HOR--I'M--
I'M GONNA THROW IT AWAY."
1022
00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:15,498
SO I GENTLY SCRAPE THE COKE
BACK INTO THE WRAP,
1023
00:47:15,498 --> 00:47:16,932
AND FOR A MAN
WHO'D ALLEGEDLY
1024
00:47:16,932 --> 00:47:18,400
NEVER TAKEN COCAINE
IN HIS LIFE,
1025
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,436
I FOLD THE WRAP UP
LIKE AN ORIGAMI NINJA.
1026
00:47:20,436 --> 00:47:22,576
JUST...
1027
00:47:26,576 --> 00:47:28,110
AND THEN I LOOKED AT THE GIRLS,
AND I WENT,
1028
00:47:28,110 --> 00:47:31,514
"WELL, I'M OFF
TO THE BATHROOM."
1029
00:47:31,514 --> 00:47:34,583
AND I GO TO THE BATHROOM
OF MY OWN HOTEL ROOM,
1030
00:47:34,583 --> 00:47:38,954
AND I START DOING COCAINE
OFF THE TOILET SEAT.
1031
00:47:38,954 --> 00:47:41,027
I COME BACK OUT
A LITTLE BIT MORE CHIPPER.
1032
00:47:45,027 --> 00:47:45,028
I LAY DOWN
BETWEEN THE GIRLS.
1033
00:47:46,028 --> 00:47:47,362
EVERY TEN MINUTES,
1034
00:47:47,362 --> 00:47:48,364
I'M GETTING UP
AND DOING COCAINE.
1035
00:47:48,364 --> 00:47:49,865
I'M COMING BACK.
1036
00:47:49,865 --> 00:47:51,467
I'M STILL DRINKING
WHISKEY AFTER WHISKEY.
1037
00:47:51,467 --> 00:47:54,237
SO I'M DRUNK,
PLUS I'M COKED UP,
1038
00:47:54,237 --> 00:47:56,706
BUT I'M TRYING TO ACT
LIKE I'M NOT COKED UP,
1039
00:47:56,706 --> 00:47:58,206
AND SO I'M TRYING
TO HIDE EVERYTHING
1040
00:47:58,206 --> 00:47:59,608
IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS,
1041
00:47:59,608 --> 00:48:01,143
AND THAT'S GIVING ME
THE APPEARANCE
1042
00:48:01,143 --> 00:48:04,313
OF CEREBRAL PALSY.
1043
00:48:04,313 --> 00:48:07,327
'CAUSE I'M JUST LYING
BETWEEN THE GIRLS GOING...
1044
00:48:17,327 --> 00:48:20,096
AND THEN THE HOT GIRL
GOES TO THE BATHROOM,
1045
00:48:20,096 --> 00:48:21,731
AND THE BIG GIRL
GETS ON TOP OF ME
1046
00:48:21,731 --> 00:48:23,266
AND STARTS MAKING OUT
WITH ME.
1047
00:48:23,266 --> 00:48:25,168
AND I'M SO WASTED,
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
1048
00:48:25,168 --> 00:48:27,603
I'M TAKING ALL COMERS.
I'M LIKE, "AHH.
1049
00:48:27,603 --> 00:48:30,273
"BIG FAT PERSON.
AHH, AHH, AHH.
1050
00:48:30,273 --> 00:48:31,641
AHH, AHH."
1051
00:48:31,641 --> 00:48:34,612
IT'S LIKE EXTRA PERSON,
RIGHT?
1052
00:48:37,612 --> 00:48:39,315
AND THEN THE HOT GIRL
COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM
1053
00:48:39,315 --> 00:48:40,817
AND THE BIG GIRL
GETS OFF ME
1054
00:48:40,817 --> 00:48:42,117
AS THOUGH NOTHING
HAD HAPPENED.
1055
00:48:42,117 --> 00:48:43,686
SHE MAKES A HELL OF A SOUND.
1056
00:48:43,686 --> 00:48:46,621
AND THEN THE BIG GIRL
GOES TO THE BATHROOM,
1057
00:48:46,621 --> 00:48:48,190
AND THE HOT GIRL
STARTS MAKING OUT WITH ME,
1058
00:48:48,190 --> 00:48:51,994
OR I START MAKING OUT WITH HER--
WHO CAN REMEMBER?
1059
00:48:51,994 --> 00:48:54,297
SO WHEN THE OTHER GIRL
COMES BACK FROM THE BATHROOM,
1060
00:48:54,297 --> 00:48:58,034
I SPRING TO THE END OF THE BED,
AND I WENT, "LOOK.
1061
00:48:58,034 --> 00:49:00,536
"HERE'S THE DEAL.
1062
00:49:00,536 --> 00:49:03,338
"WE'VE ALL BEEN MAKING OUT.
1063
00:49:03,338 --> 00:49:06,442
WE SHOULD ALL GET NAKED
AND FUCK."
1064
00:49:06,442 --> 00:49:08,344
AND THE BIG GIRL'S ALREADY
TAKING OFF HER TOP,
1065
00:49:08,344 --> 00:49:10,545
LIKE, "YEAH,
LET'S DO THIS!"
1066
00:49:10,545 --> 00:49:13,048
AND THE HOT GIRL GOES,
"I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT."
1067
00:49:13,048 --> 00:49:14,951
SO I POINT AT THE BIG GIRL,
AND I WENT,
1068
00:49:14,951 --> 00:49:18,329
"YOUR JOB
IS TO CONVINCE HER.
1069
00:49:27,329 --> 00:49:28,634
I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM."
1070
00:49:31,634 --> 00:49:35,170
SO I GO TO THE BATHROOM.
1071
00:49:35,170 --> 00:49:39,342
I DO ANOTHER FAT LINE
OF CHARLIE.
1072
00:49:39,342 --> 00:49:41,811
I PEER OUT THE BATHROOM DOOR.
THE TWO GIRLS ARE NAKED.
1073
00:49:41,811 --> 00:49:43,012
I'M EXCITED, BUT I'VE NEVER
HAD A THREESOME BEFORE,
1074
00:49:44,012 --> 00:49:45,581
SO I PANIC A LITTLE BIT.
1075
00:49:45,581 --> 00:49:48,217
SO I JUMP BACK INTO THE BATHROOM
IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.
1076
00:49:48,217 --> 00:49:50,420
I'M LIKE, "HA-HA!
1077
00:49:50,420 --> 00:49:53,489
"THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT!
1078
00:49:53,489 --> 00:49:54,891
"40 MINUTES AGO,
1079
00:49:54,891 --> 00:49:58,760
"THERE WAS GONNA BE A RAPE
IN THIS ROOM.
1080
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,099
I'VE REALLY
TURNED THINGS AROUND."
1081
00:50:04,099 --> 00:50:05,835
AND THEN MY BRAIN GOES,
1082
00:50:05,835 --> 00:50:07,737
"YOU'VE JUST TAKEN
A GRAM OF COKE IN 40 MINUTES,"
1083
00:50:07,737 --> 00:50:10,206
AND I LOOK DOWN, AND MY COCK'S
SHRIVELED UP LIKE A WALNUT,
1084
00:50:10,206 --> 00:50:12,708
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, NO!"
1085
00:50:12,708 --> 00:50:14,911
AND I START HITTING IT
LIKE IT OWES ME MONEY.
1086
00:50:14,911 --> 00:50:16,445
I'M TRYING TO REASON
WITH IT.
1087
00:50:16,445 --> 00:50:18,780
"COME ON,
IT'S TWO 18-YEAR-OLDS.
1088
00:50:18,780 --> 00:50:21,516
THIS IS WHAT
WE'VE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT."
1089
00:50:21,516 --> 00:50:22,784
I'M STRETCHING IT,
1090
00:50:22,784 --> 00:50:24,086
TRYING TO GET
BLOOD FLOW BACK INTO IT,
1091
00:50:24,086 --> 00:50:25,621
BUT I'VE GOT NOTHING.
1092
00:50:25,621 --> 00:50:27,289
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
BUT WHEN I TAKE COKE,
1093
00:50:27,289 --> 00:50:30,460
I BLOAT OUT
AND I SWEAT LIKE A BEAST.
1094
00:50:30,460 --> 00:50:32,527
AND I'VE GOT ALL FAT
AND SWEATY
1095
00:50:32,527 --> 00:50:36,398
WITH THIS GNARLY LITTLE
FUCKING COCK.
1096
00:50:36,398 --> 00:50:38,134
MY MOUTH'S LIKE COTTON,
1097
00:50:38,134 --> 00:50:40,208
AND I'M JUST LOOKING AT MYSELF
IN THE MIRROR LIKE...
1098
00:50:46,208 --> 00:50:49,313
"THIS IS YOU."
1099
00:50:50,313 --> 00:50:51,880
SO I JUST OWNED IT.
1100
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,721
AND I JUST WALK OUT
ALL FAT AND GROSS, LIKE...
1101
00:50:58,721 --> 00:51:01,990
"HELLO, LADIES."
1102
00:51:01,990 --> 00:51:04,159
THE BIG GIRL'S GOING DOWN
ON THE HOT GIRL.
1103
00:51:04,159 --> 00:51:06,896
THE HOT GIRL'S HEAD'S
AT THE END OF THE BED.
1104
00:51:06,896 --> 00:51:10,500
SO I PUT MY FLACCID COCK
INTO THE HOT GIRL'S MOUTH,
1105
00:51:10,500 --> 00:51:13,335
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE
AN AGGRESSIVE MOVE.
1106
00:51:13,335 --> 00:51:15,005
AND IT WAS.
1107
00:51:16,005 --> 00:51:20,409
AND SHE'S SUCKING ON
THIS FLACCID WHISKEY-COKE COCK,
1108
00:51:20,409 --> 00:51:21,010
AND I'VE GOT NO DECORUM.
1109
00:51:22,010 --> 00:51:25,780
I'M JUST OVER HER HEAD GOING,
"HA-HA, HA-HA!"
1110
00:51:25,780 --> 00:51:29,684
AND MY GUT'S RESTING
OVER ONE OF HER EYEBALLS
1111
00:51:29,684 --> 00:51:31,686
LIKE SHE WAS A MEAT PIRATE.
1112
00:51:31,686 --> 00:51:34,923
AND I'M SWEATING PROFUSELY
FROM MY FOREHEAD
1113
00:51:34,923 --> 00:51:37,693
INTO THE OTHER OPEN EYEBALL.
1114
00:51:37,693 --> 00:51:39,195
AND AFTER A MINUTE
AND A HALF,
1115
00:51:39,195 --> 00:51:41,931
SHE PULLS MY COCK
OUT OF HER MOUTH AND GOES,
1116
00:51:41,931 --> 00:51:46,168
"WE'RE NOT DOING THIS
ANYMORE!"
1117
00:51:46,168 --> 00:51:48,371
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT
AT THAT MOMENT?
1118
00:51:48,371 --> 00:51:51,882
"GOOD CALL."
1119
00:52:00,882 --> 00:52:03,219
I REALLY PUSHED THAT BOAT OUT
AS FAR INTO THE HARBOR
1120
00:52:03,219 --> 00:52:06,521
AS MAYBE IT SHOULD'VE GONE,
YOU KNOW?
1121
00:52:06,521 --> 00:52:08,724
I JUST WANTED THE GIRLS
TO GO HOME.
1122
00:52:08,724 --> 00:52:11,226
I WASN'T GOING
TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.
1123
00:52:11,226 --> 00:52:13,061
ALL I WANTED
AT THIS STAGE OF THE EVENING
1124
00:52:13,061 --> 00:52:15,231
WAS TO HAVE ME COKE WANK.
1125
00:52:15,231 --> 00:52:17,532
NOW, IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A COKE WANK IS,
1126
00:52:17,532 --> 00:52:20,235
LET ME EXPLAIN.
1127
00:52:20,235 --> 00:52:23,172
WHEN YOU TAKE ABOUT A GRAM
OF COCAINE OR SO,
1128
00:52:23,172 --> 00:52:24,840
AND YOU GET HOME,
AND YOU'RE LYING IN BED,
1129
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:26,175
AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONE,
1130
00:52:26,175 --> 00:52:28,143
AND THE SUN'S
ABOUT TO COME UP,
1131
00:52:28,143 --> 00:52:31,713
AND THE DEPRESSION'S
ABOUT TO SET IN,
1132
00:52:31,713 --> 00:52:36,918
YOU MASTURBATE
FOR AROUND FOUR HOURS.
1133
00:52:36,918 --> 00:52:40,088
NOW, THIS SOUNDS EXCESSIVE,
AND IT IS,
1134
00:52:40,088 --> 00:52:42,257
BUT DON'T THINK
YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF
1135
00:52:42,257 --> 00:52:43,925
FOR FOUR HOURS.
1136
00:52:43,925 --> 00:52:47,896
FOR 3 HOURS AND 58 MINUTES,
YOU'RE IN FUCKING AGONY,
1137
00:52:47,896 --> 00:52:49,898
'CAUSE THE CUM'S
RIGHT AT THE END OF YOUR COCK,
1138
00:52:49,898 --> 00:52:51,733
BUT THE NERVE CENTER
IN YOUR BRAIN
1139
00:52:51,733 --> 00:52:54,436
REFUSES TO PASS THE MESSAGE ON
TO SHOOT IT OUT.
1140
00:52:54,436 --> 00:52:58,775
AND THAT'S WHAT KEEPS YOU
AT THE TABLE LIKE A BAD GAMBLER.
1141
00:53:00,775 --> 00:53:03,579
NOW, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
WITH A COKE WANK
1142
00:53:03,579 --> 00:53:05,447
IS TO KEEP YOUR FOCUS.
1143
00:53:05,447 --> 00:53:07,215
YOU LOSE YOUR FOCUS,
YOU'RE FUCKED.
1144
00:53:07,215 --> 00:53:10,286
YOU'VE HIT THE RESET BUTTON.
YOU GOTTA START AGAIN.
1145
00:53:10,286 --> 00:53:12,021
I'LL TELL YOU
HOW I DO IT.
1146
00:53:13,021 --> 00:53:14,789
I LAY ON THE BED
1147
00:53:14,789 --> 00:53:18,393
WITH MY LAPTOP
REALLY HIGH UP ON MY CHEST,
1148
00:53:18,393 --> 00:53:21,431
WITH THE BATTERY
BURNING INTO MY RIB CAGE.
1149
00:53:23,431 --> 00:53:26,568
I PUT THE MOST HORRIFIC PORN
I CAN FIND ON THE SCREEN,
1150
00:53:26,568 --> 00:53:30,806
WHICH OFTEN IS JUST WOMEN
PUNCHING EACH OTHER.
1151
00:53:30,806 --> 00:53:33,476
I PUT MY HAND
BEHIND THE SCREEN
1152
00:53:33,476 --> 00:53:38,313
SO I DON'T HAVE TO SEE HOW
VIOLENTLY I'M FUCKING MYSELF.
1153
00:53:38,313 --> 00:53:42,117
THEN, THROUGH CUTS,
ABRASIONS, AND BRUISES,
1154
00:53:42,117 --> 00:53:45,655
AND USING TEARS AS LUBE,
1155
00:53:45,655 --> 00:53:47,757
EVENTUALLY, YOU WILL COME,
1156
00:53:47,757 --> 00:53:50,226
BUT YOU'RE SO DEHYDRATED,
IT DOESN'T COME OUT
1157
00:53:50,226 --> 00:53:51,827
IN A FLUID STATE.
1158
00:53:51,827 --> 00:53:55,500
YOU JUST SHOOT, LIKE,
THESE SIX GELATIN CHUNKS.
1159
00:53:57,500 --> 00:54:00,936
NOW, ORDINARILY,
WHEN YOU COME ON YOUR CHEST,
1160
00:54:00,936 --> 00:54:02,972
IT'S BEST TO GET A TOWEL
AND MOP IT UP,
1161
00:54:02,972 --> 00:54:05,273
BUT THIS STUFF,
YOU JUST ROLL IT IN A BALL
1162
00:54:05,273 --> 00:54:08,614
AND CHUCK IT IN THE CORNER.
1163
00:54:11,614 --> 00:54:13,782
THEN, AFTER YOU COME,
YOU REALIZE SOMETHING
1164
00:54:13,782 --> 00:54:15,985
YOU DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE:
1165
00:54:15,985 --> 00:54:19,155
YOU'RE ALMOST DEAD.
1166
00:54:19,155 --> 00:54:22,625
YOUR HEART'S BEATING
AT A VERY IRREGULAR PACE.
1167
00:54:22,625 --> 00:54:24,460
YOUR MOUTH'S LIKE COTTON.
1168
00:54:24,460 --> 00:54:28,097
SO YOU PEEL YOURSELF
OFF THE MATTRESS TO GET WATER,
1169
00:54:28,097 --> 00:54:31,869
BUT YOUR THIGHS
ARE CRAMPING UP.
1170
00:54:33,869 --> 00:54:35,538
YOU WALK AWAY.
YOU TURN AROUND.
1171
00:54:35,538 --> 00:54:39,842
YOU SEE A SWEATY OUTLINE
OF YOUR BODY ON THE SHEET,
1172
00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:42,550
AND IT LOOKS LIKE
THE SHROUD OF TURIN.
1173
00:54:47,550 --> 00:54:51,487
ANYWAY...
1174
00:54:51,487 --> 00:54:54,295
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD
TO DOING THAT.
1175
00:55:00,295 --> 00:55:03,565
SO I SAID TO THE GIRLS,
I SAID, "OH...
1176
00:55:03,565 --> 00:55:05,701
YOU CAN GO HOME."
1177
00:55:05,701 --> 00:55:06,902
AND THE BIG GIRL WENT,
1178
00:55:06,902 --> 00:55:09,505
"BUT I STILL WANT
TO GET FUCKED."
1179
00:55:09,505 --> 00:55:12,742
AND I WENT, "OH, YOU'RE MORE
OF A PACKAGE DEAL."
1180
00:55:12,742 --> 00:55:16,344
NOW, AS SOON AS I SAID IT--
[laughter]
1181
00:55:16,344 --> 00:55:17,713
AS SOON AS I SAID IT,
1182
00:55:17,713 --> 00:55:19,014
I FELT LIKE
A FUCKING ASSHOLE, RIGHT?
1183
00:55:20,014 --> 00:55:22,184
ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS
ABOUT BEING AN OFFENSIVE COMIC
1184
00:55:22,184 --> 00:55:24,253
IS YOU CAN COVER YOUR STEPS
VERY QUICKLY BY GOING,
1185
00:55:24,253 --> 00:55:27,659
"OH, I'M KIDDING.
I'M CRAZY. WAHH!"
1186
00:55:30,659 --> 00:55:31,027
SO I DID THAT.
1187
00:55:32,027 --> 00:55:33,429
I WENT, "OH, I'D LOVE
TO FUCK YOU.
1188
00:55:33,429 --> 00:55:34,030
"I LOVE YOU. I WAS KIDDING.
I WOULD LOVE IT.
1189
00:55:35,030 --> 00:55:37,333
"RAHH!
1190
00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:41,269
BUT I CAN'T FUCK YOU
IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIEND."
1191
00:55:41,269 --> 00:55:43,105
AND SHE POINTS
AT HER FRIEND AND GOES,
1192
00:55:43,105 --> 00:55:45,907
"YOU GET IN THE BATHROOM
WHILE I FUCK HIM."
1193
00:55:45,907 --> 00:55:48,043
AND I WENT, "EH.
1194
00:55:48,043 --> 00:55:51,079
"EH.
1195
00:55:51,079 --> 00:55:54,786
I-I CAN'T SEE
WHY THAT WOULDN'T WORK."
1196
00:55:56,786 --> 00:55:59,422
NOW I'VE GOT TO FUCK HER.
IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO.
1197
00:55:59,422 --> 00:56:01,456
YOU CAN'T BE WILLING
TO FUCK SOMEONE IN A COUPLE
1198
00:56:01,456 --> 00:56:03,291
AND NOT BE WILLING TO FUCK THEM
AS AN INDIVIDUAL.
1199
00:56:03,291 --> 00:56:04,860
THAT'S BAD MANNERS,
1200
00:56:04,860 --> 00:56:07,364
AND MY MOTHER BROUGHT ME UP
BETTER THAN THAT.
1201
00:56:09,364 --> 00:56:13,469
SO I'M GONNA FUCK THIS GIRL
TO BE POLITE.
1202
00:56:13,469 --> 00:56:16,137
AND HER FRIEND DIDN'T WANT
TO GO INTO THE BATHROOM,
1203
00:56:16,137 --> 00:56:17,972
AND SHE'S, LIKE, CRYING,
AND HER FRIEND'S, LIKE,
1204
00:56:17,972 --> 00:56:20,643
PUSHING HER, LIKE, "JUST GET
IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM."
1205
00:56:20,643 --> 00:56:22,311
THIS BIG FAT GIRL'S
PUSHING THIS HOT GIRL,
1206
00:56:22,311 --> 00:56:24,646
LIKE, "GET IN
THE FUCKING BATHROOM."
1207
00:56:24,646 --> 00:56:26,815
AND I'M SO WASTED,
I'M GETTING INVOLVED, LIKE,
1208
00:56:26,815 --> 00:56:29,952
"YEAH!
GET IN THE BATHROOM!"
1209
00:56:29,952 --> 00:56:33,255
AND SO WE PUSH THIS HOT GIRL
INTO THE BATHROOM.
1210
00:56:33,255 --> 00:56:35,458
SHE SITS ON THE TOILET.
SHE'S CRYING.
1211
00:56:35,458 --> 00:56:37,393
SHE'S SO HOT,
AND SHE'S CRYING, LIKE...
1212
00:56:37,393 --> 00:56:38,927
[sobbing]
1213
00:56:38,927 --> 00:56:40,228
THEN SHE TURNS
THE HAIR DRYER ON
1214
00:56:40,228 --> 00:56:41,730
SO SHE DOESN'T
HAVE TO LISTEN.
1215
00:56:41,730 --> 00:56:43,465
SO PICTURE, LIKE,
THERE'S THIS HOT GIRL.
1216
00:56:43,465 --> 00:56:45,233
SHE'S CRYING.
SHE'S HOLDING A HAIR DRYER.
1217
00:56:45,233 --> 00:56:48,404
JUST...
[wailing]
1218
00:56:48,404 --> 00:56:50,105
ANYWAY, THAT GAVE ME
AN ERECTION.
1219
00:56:50,105 --> 00:56:53,644
SO NOW I'VE GOT AN ERECTION.
1220
00:56:56,644 --> 00:56:58,681
BIG QUESTION:
1221
00:56:58,681 --> 00:57:01,115
DO I WEAR A CONDOM?
1222
00:57:01,115 --> 00:57:04,253
AND THE ANSWER IS NO.
1223
00:57:04,253 --> 00:57:05,688
I WAS ON TOO MANY DRUGS
TO COME.
1224
00:57:05,688 --> 00:57:07,623
NO ONE'S
GETTING FUCKING PREGNANT.
1225
00:57:07,623 --> 00:57:10,425
AND LET'S BE HONEST--
18-YEAR-OLD CANADIAN
1226
00:57:10,425 --> 00:57:11,760
WHO'D NEVER SEEN COCAINE?
1227
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:13,262
LET'S GO OUT ON A LIMB
1228
00:57:13,262 --> 00:57:17,532
AND SAY
SHE DOESN'T HAVE AIDS.
1229
00:57:17,532 --> 00:57:19,134
AND EVEN IF SHE DID
HAVE AIDS,
1230
00:57:19,134 --> 00:57:23,038
IT WOULDN'T BE
THE AGGRESSIVE "RAHH" AIDS.
1231
00:57:23,038 --> 00:57:27,376
IT WOULD BE A SOFT,
GENTLE, GIRLY AIDS THAT...
1232
00:57:27,376 --> 00:57:31,146
PROBABLY WOULDN'T KILL ME.
1233
00:57:31,146 --> 00:57:32,447
SO I GOT ON TOP OF HER.
1234
00:57:32,447 --> 00:57:33,016
I TOLD HER I WAS
A PREMATURE EJACULATOR
1235
00:57:34,016 --> 00:57:36,318
SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCK HER
FOR TOO LONG.
1236
00:57:36,318 --> 00:57:37,786
'CAUSE I KNEW I WASN'T
GONNA COME, RIGHT?
1237
00:57:37,786 --> 00:57:39,889
SO I PUT MY COCK IN HER
FOR LIKE TEN THRUSTS.
1238
00:57:39,889 --> 00:57:41,724
I WENT...
AND THEN I JUST PULLED OUT
1239
00:57:41,724 --> 00:57:44,559
AND WENT, "RAHH!"
1240
00:57:44,559 --> 00:57:45,827
AND SHE WENT,
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
1241
00:57:45,827 --> 00:57:47,496
AND I WENT, "OH,
I JUST CAME OVER THERE."
1242
00:57:47,496 --> 00:57:49,197
AND SHE GOES, "NO, YOU DIDN'T."
I WENT, "YES, I DID.
1243
00:57:49,197 --> 00:57:53,969
"THERE'S, UH,
HEAPS OF IT OVER THERE.
1244
00:57:53,969 --> 00:57:58,039
"I WOULDN'T GO OVER THERE.
YOU'LL GET PREGNANT.
1245
00:57:58,039 --> 00:58:01,244
IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKSON POLLOCK
PAINTING OVER THERE."
1246
00:58:03,244 --> 00:58:08,385
ANYWAY, THEN WE LET HER FRIEND
OUT OF THE BATHROOM,
1247
00:58:09,385 --> 00:58:11,554
THE GIRLS GOT DRESSED,
1248
00:58:11,554 --> 00:58:13,755
AND THEY WENT HOME.
1249
00:58:13,755 --> 00:58:17,159
NOW, THAT SHOULD BE
THE END OF THE STORY,
1250
00:58:17,159 --> 00:58:19,695
BUT IT'S NOT.
1251
00:58:19,695 --> 00:58:22,565
THAT STORY HAPPENED
FIVE YEARS AGO.
1252
00:58:22,565 --> 00:58:24,699
NOW, THIS YEAR,
I WENT BACK
1253
00:58:24,699 --> 00:58:26,735
TO THE JUST FOR LAUGHS
COMEDY FESTIVAL IN MONTREAL,
1254
00:58:26,735 --> 00:58:29,505
AND I WASN'T SUPPORTING
SOME MOVIE STAR.
1255
00:58:29,505 --> 00:58:33,442
I WAS--I WAS IN THE BIG THEATER
MYSELF, AND--AND--
1256
00:58:33,442 --> 00:58:35,677
AND WHEN I FINISHED THE SHOW,
I WENT TO THE STAGE DOOR,
1257
00:58:35,677 --> 00:58:37,211
AND THERE WAS PEOPLE
WAITING FOR MY AUTOGRAPH.
1258
00:58:37,211 --> 00:58:38,947
AND AT THE END OF THE QUEUE
1259
00:58:38,947 --> 00:58:42,684
WAS THE HOT GIRL,
ALL THESE YEARS LATER.
1260
00:58:42,684 --> 00:58:44,954
AND I TOOK HER BACK
TO MY HOTEL
1261
00:58:44,954 --> 00:58:46,255
AND I FUCKED HER.
1262
00:58:46,255 --> 00:58:50,125
NOW, THE REASON
I TELL YOU THIS STORY
1263
00:58:50,125 --> 00:58:53,529
IS BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NEVER
GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS.
1264
00:58:53,529 --> 00:58:55,297
[laughter and applause]
1265
00:58:55,297 --> 00:58:58,534
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
1266
00:58:58,534 --> 00:59:00,536
GOOD NIGHT.
BYE-BYE.
1267
00:59:00,536 --> 00:59:03,539
[rock music]
1268
00:59:03,539 --> 00:59:10,000
โช โช
94098
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.