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1
00:00:01,893 --> 00:00:02,897
Careful!
2
00:00:02,898 --> 00:00:05,039
You only get one shot
at this, Peralta.
3
00:00:05,074 --> 00:00:06,679
Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.
4
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,882
I saw the first 15 minutes
of The Hurt Locker.
5
00:00:08,916 --> 00:00:10,484
Hurry!
The stench is too much.
6
00:00:10,518 --> 00:00:12,556
We gotta get
those shoes outta here.
7
00:00:12,590 --> 00:00:13,858
How much time
do we have?
8
00:00:13,859 --> 00:00:15,761
Scully ate his pot pie
30 minutes ago,
9
00:00:15,762 --> 00:00:17,631
so we probably got 10 minutes
left on this nap.
10
00:00:17,666 --> 00:00:19,535
12 if he's turkey tired.
11
00:00:19,569 --> 00:00:22,044
All right, come to papa.
12
00:00:22,045 --> 00:00:24,186
It's trapped.
Abort mission.
13
00:00:24,221 --> 00:00:26,396
I have an idea...
14
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:34,074
Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
15
00:00:39,590 --> 00:00:42,229
Let's send these shoes
to hell.
16
00:00:44,671 --> 00:00:45,839
Oh, wait.
17
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,407
Yeah, just smells
worse than before.
18
00:00:47,408 --> 00:00:49,476
Oh...
Ugh! Abort!
19
00:01:11,944 --> 00:01:14,548
Whoa! Why are you here
before me?
20
00:01:14,549 --> 00:01:16,519
Am I asleep?
Is this a dream?
21
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,127
I am early because
Jimmy Brogan is here today.
22
00:01:19,128 --> 00:01:21,567
Why do you care so much
about some old reporter?
23
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:23,236
Some old reporter?
24
00:01:23,237 --> 00:01:25,239
Is the sky just some
big blue hat
25
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:26,641
that the world wears?
26
00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:28,911
No. And no one has ever
thought that.
27
00:01:28,912 --> 00:01:30,315
My point exactly.
28
00:01:30,316 --> 00:01:32,219
Jimmy Brogan
wrote The Squad
29
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,421
about badass New York cops
in the '70s.
30
00:01:34,422 --> 00:01:36,123
It's the best book
I've ever read,
31
00:01:36,124 --> 00:01:37,891
and I've read 15 books.
32
00:01:37,892 --> 00:01:39,595
50 books is not a lot.
Wait...
33
00:01:39,596 --> 00:01:41,499
You said 15?
34
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,340
The Squad
is what made me decide
35
00:01:44,341 --> 00:01:45,942
to become a Detective.
36
00:01:45,943 --> 00:01:47,577
And it was my first
book report.
37
00:01:47,611 --> 00:01:49,245
"The detectives wiped
the mobsters' blood
38
00:01:49,246 --> 00:01:52,618
off their boots
and found the scag."
39
00:01:52,619 --> 00:01:55,357
Scag is heroin,
and the book says it's so good,
40
00:01:55,358 --> 00:01:57,429
you can never stop doing it!
41
00:01:57,430 --> 00:01:59,331
See me after class,
Jacob.
42
00:01:59,332 --> 00:02:01,533
Fun side note...
I late lost my virginity
43
00:02:01,534 --> 00:02:03,135
to Mrs. Stratton's
daughter.
44
00:02:03,136 --> 00:02:05,539
It was... very fast.
45
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:08,145
Nice.
46
00:02:08,146 --> 00:02:10,717
Mr. Brogan, these are
detectives Santiago
47
00:02:10,718 --> 00:02:11,986
and Peralta.
48
00:02:11,987 --> 00:02:13,989
Mr. Brogan, I am a huge fan
of your book.
49
00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:15,791
Would you mind
signing my copy?
50
00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:18,162
I'd love to.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
51
00:02:18,163 --> 00:02:20,200
You can just make it out
to "death wish."
52
00:02:20,201 --> 00:02:21,636
That's what everyone
calls me,
53
00:02:21,637 --> 00:02:23,841
'cause I'm always
first through the door.
54
00:02:23,842 --> 00:02:25,176
You go through doors normally,
55
00:02:25,177 --> 00:02:27,512
and everyone calls you
pineapples.
56
00:02:27,513 --> 00:02:28,881
My grandma calls me
pineapples,
57
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,315
and I regret
telling you that.
58
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,683
Those New York cops
from the '70s you wrote about
59
00:02:32,684 --> 00:02:35,750
were my idols... I mean,
Gaminsky, Cavanaugh, Quigg.
60
00:02:35,751 --> 00:02:37,384
Those guys
were the real deal.
61
00:02:37,385 --> 00:02:40,219
I once saw Gaminsky
choke a hippy to death
62
00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:41,521
with his own ponytail.
63
00:02:41,522 --> 00:02:43,124
Illegal.
Love that.
64
00:02:43,125 --> 00:02:44,524
Mr. Brogan
is writing an article
65
00:02:44,525 --> 00:02:46,224
about how Brooklyn
detectives have changed
66
00:02:46,225 --> 00:02:48,091
in the 35 years
since The Squad.
67
00:02:48,092 --> 00:02:49,789
He'll be observing
the two of you
68
00:02:49,790 --> 00:02:51,588
on your Internet
identity theft case.
69
00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:53,823
I hope Mr. Brogan's presence
doesn't prove to be
70
00:02:53,824 --> 00:02:55,525
a distraction to you,
Peralta.
71
00:02:55,526 --> 00:02:57,492
Distracted? Me?
No, sir.
72
00:02:57,493 --> 00:02:59,158
Evil would love that.
73
00:02:59,159 --> 00:03:01,992
But I'm not giving evil
the satisfaction.
74
00:03:01,993 --> 00:03:03,824
Not today.
75
00:03:03,825 --> 00:03:06,527
Where's the can?
I gotta unload.
76
00:03:06,528 --> 00:03:08,495
"Unload."
Great choice of words.
77
00:03:08,496 --> 00:03:10,562
It'd be an honor
to show you, sir.
78
00:03:10,563 --> 00:03:13,164
All right.
Everyone's here.
79
00:03:13,165 --> 00:03:15,566
Today we're gonna work on
our courtroom demeanor.
80
00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:18,165
Pass.
This seminar
81
00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:20,700
is not optional, Diaz.
You're testifying
82
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,701
in an aggravated assault case
tomorrow.
83
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,301
The D.A. is worried
84
00:03:24,335 --> 00:03:25,968
about how you present yourself
on the stand.
85
00:03:25,969 --> 00:03:27,866
Why?
I'm fine on the stand.
86
00:03:27,901 --> 00:03:29,464
Look, I'll make this
real simple
87
00:03:29,465 --> 00:03:30,998
so even these dum-dums
can understand.
88
00:03:31,033 --> 00:03:33,500
Man did crime.
89
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,235
I'm sorry... can you
make her stop doing
90
00:03:35,236 --> 00:03:37,104
that weird thing
with her face?
91
00:03:37,138 --> 00:03:38,838
Crying?
92
00:03:38,839 --> 00:03:41,337
And when this is over,
I'm gonna find you,
93
00:03:41,338 --> 00:03:43,804
and I'm gonna break
those little fingers.
94
00:03:43,805 --> 00:03:45,906
Ms. Diaz.
95
00:03:45,907 --> 00:03:48,075
Please stop threatening
the stenographer!
96
00:03:48,076 --> 00:03:51,377
This is an important case.
You need to do well.
97
00:03:51,378 --> 00:03:53,077
Fine. I'll take
your dumbass seminar.
98
00:03:53,111 --> 00:03:55,244
That's the spirit!
99
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,379
Someone has placed
tiny scanners inside ATMs
100
00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:01,145
to steal card numbers
and pins
101
00:04:01,146 --> 00:04:03,212
which they sell
on the Internet.
102
00:04:03,213 --> 00:04:05,413
Oh, good God, why do you
smell like an ashtray?
103
00:04:05,414 --> 00:04:06,915
Oh, sorry, mom.
104
00:04:06,916 --> 00:04:10,224
It's the only way I can cope
with the stress of the job.
105
00:04:13,859 --> 00:04:14,937
Pffft!
106
00:04:16,061 --> 00:04:18,227
Anyway...
We're running an algorithm
107
00:04:18,228 --> 00:04:19,727
to comb through
the transactions
108
00:04:19,762 --> 00:04:21,326
looking for a pattern
which will lead us
109
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,259
to the perp's IP address.
Got it.
110
00:04:23,293 --> 00:04:25,059
"Boring mumbo jumbo."
111
00:04:25,091 --> 00:04:26,991
Well, you could think
of the algorithm
112
00:04:27,025 --> 00:04:28,558
as a boot
and the IP address
113
00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:29,926
as some poor slob's skull.
114
00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:31,061
You know?
115
00:04:31,095 --> 00:04:32,361
We used to call guys
116
00:04:32,362 --> 00:04:34,397
who bragged about
sitting around all day
117
00:04:34,398 --> 00:04:35,532
hair bags.
118
00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:38,738
Except for
Detective Finaldi.
119
00:04:38,739 --> 00:04:41,005
No, he had to sit
around all day.
120
00:04:41,006 --> 00:04:43,170
A mafia thug pried
both his kneecaps off
121
00:04:43,171 --> 00:04:44,570
with a crowbar.
122
00:04:44,604 --> 00:04:46,138
Gah... so lucky.
123
00:04:46,139 --> 00:04:47,974
This kind of data-driven
police work
124
00:04:47,975 --> 00:04:49,911
has reduced crime
by over 70%.
125
00:04:49,945 --> 00:04:52,348
I know hair bag work
when I see it.
126
00:04:52,382 --> 00:04:56,816
Do me a favor... wake me
when your shift is over.
127
00:04:58,451 --> 00:04:59,485
No way.
128
00:05:02,624 --> 00:05:04,592
That is amazing!
129
00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:06,596
All you need
is for a jury to like you.
130
00:05:06,630 --> 00:05:09,066
If they like you, they'll trust you.
Fine.
131
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,734
How do I get these morons
to like me?
132
00:05:13,370 --> 00:05:14,704
Don't call them morons.
133
00:05:14,738 --> 00:05:16,404
Good instinct!
Okay.
134
00:05:16,405 --> 00:05:19,237
Sit up straight, all right?
Be aware of your hands, okay?
135
00:05:19,271 --> 00:05:20,605
And don't be afraid
to smile.
136
00:05:20,639 --> 00:05:22,107
And if you need to buy time,
you can always just say,
137
00:05:22,108 --> 00:05:23,743
"to be perfectly candid..."
138
00:05:23,777 --> 00:05:25,946
To be perfectly candid...
139
00:05:25,947 --> 00:05:27,314
I like that.
140
00:05:27,315 --> 00:05:29,417
And always make
good eye contact.
141
00:05:29,452 --> 00:05:31,319
But don't stare at people.
Yeah.
142
00:05:31,354 --> 00:05:32,987
You gotta blink.
But don't blink too much.
143
00:05:33,022 --> 00:05:35,055
Or too fast.
I think the bigger worry is slow blinks.
144
00:05:35,056 --> 00:05:37,222
Don't blink too fast or too
slow or too much or too little.
145
00:05:37,257 --> 00:05:39,723
I know how to blink.
146
00:05:39,758 --> 00:05:41,057
Quick question, sir.
147
00:05:41,058 --> 00:05:42,890
You know how we've been
trading favors back and forth
148
00:05:42,891 --> 00:05:44,192
and it's your turn
to give me one?
149
00:05:44,226 --> 00:05:45,595
None of that is true.
Yeah, I know.
150
00:05:45,629 --> 00:05:48,098
Please, can I jump onto
a sweet mob-related homicide?
151
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:50,532
There are no sweet
mob-related homicides
152
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:51,933
on which to jump.
153
00:05:51,968 --> 00:05:54,131
Boom!
There's one at the seven-three.
154
00:05:54,132 --> 00:05:56,297
Maybe I should
roll over there, help out.
155
00:05:56,298 --> 00:05:58,433
Brogan can tag along,
maybe write some stuff down.
156
00:05:58,468 --> 00:06:00,770
Why do you idolize that man
and the time he wrote about?
157
00:06:00,771 --> 00:06:02,706
Because the '70s
were amazing.
158
00:06:02,707 --> 00:06:04,642
I mean, everyone had
thick, juicy moustaches
159
00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,674
and all the clothes
were orange and flammable.
160
00:06:06,675 --> 00:06:08,673
The '70s were not
a good time for the city
161
00:06:08,674 --> 00:06:10,204
or for the department...
162
00:06:10,205 --> 00:06:11,572
Corruption, brutality,
sexism.
163
00:06:11,607 --> 00:06:14,241
Diaz and Santiago never
would have made Detective,
164
00:06:14,276 --> 00:06:15,476
and an openly gay man
like me...
165
00:06:15,477 --> 00:06:16,744
I never would have been
given a command.
166
00:06:16,778 --> 00:06:18,477
There were very few
black detectives.
167
00:06:18,510 --> 00:06:20,776
Did I ever tell you what my
first day on the job was like?
168
00:06:23,978 --> 00:06:25,479
Hello. I'm Raymond Holt.
169
00:06:25,514 --> 00:06:28,118
Are you... here
to turn yourself in?
170
00:06:29,755 --> 00:06:31,321
Ah, yeah,
that's really messed up.
171
00:06:31,355 --> 00:06:32,955
But the guys that Brogan
wrote about...
172
00:06:32,956 --> 00:06:34,858
They were great detectives.
I mean, they were legit.
173
00:06:34,859 --> 00:06:36,193
Some of them were legit.
174
00:06:36,228 --> 00:06:39,595
Some of them were just
Brogan's drinking buddies.
175
00:06:39,596 --> 00:06:41,260
Sir, that is
a brilliant idea.
176
00:06:41,261 --> 00:06:43,295
It wasn't an idea.
It was a scathing indictment
177
00:06:43,330 --> 00:06:44,597
of your personal hero.
178
00:06:44,631 --> 00:06:46,900
Eh, six of one.
179
00:06:46,935 --> 00:06:48,436
This is the best!
180
00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:49,804
Drinking with Jimmy Brogan.
181
00:06:49,838 --> 00:06:51,506
So tell me more
about Quigg.
182
00:06:51,507 --> 00:06:53,676
Could he really light
a matchstick on his face?
183
00:06:53,677 --> 00:06:55,246
One time during a drug bust,
184
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:56,815
he had one of his fingers
shot off.
185
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,951
He didn't even flinch.
He just picked it up
186
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:02,655
and used it to flip off
every puerto rican in the place.
187
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,557
And that's my cue.
It's late.
188
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:05,959
Are you kidding?
189
00:07:05,994 --> 00:07:07,363
The old guard
drank till dawn,
190
00:07:07,364 --> 00:07:08,565
ate some coffee grounds,
191
00:07:08,566 --> 00:07:10,800
then started the whole day
all over again.
192
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:13,033
Pfft!
I eat coffee grounds.
193
00:07:13,034 --> 00:07:14,302
Sure you do, pineapples.
194
00:07:14,336 --> 00:07:15,704
How about
another round?
195
00:07:15,705 --> 00:07:16,907
Are you kidding me?
196
00:07:16,908 --> 00:07:18,444
I wanna hang with you
till one of us dies.
197
00:07:18,445 --> 00:07:19,746
Look, I'm tired
of talking.
198
00:07:19,747 --> 00:07:21,952
Why don't you tell me
some of your stories?
199
00:07:21,986 --> 00:07:23,687
Great. 'Cause I got
some stories
200
00:07:23,688 --> 00:07:28,227
that'll make Training Day
look like Super Troopers.
201
00:07:28,262 --> 00:07:29,730
Eh, it's not... bartender.
202
00:07:29,764 --> 00:07:31,766
Two scotches.
203
00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:34,904
No, no, he meant two bottles.
What?
204
00:07:34,905 --> 00:07:37,370
I mean... yeah!
205
00:07:37,371 --> 00:07:39,706
Aaaalll... right!
206
00:07:43,499 --> 00:07:44,632
You'll never get me!
207
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:45,667
You'll never get me!
208
00:07:45,668 --> 00:07:46,734
We already
got you, idiot.
209
00:07:46,769 --> 00:07:49,070
Look who's here.
210
00:07:49,071 --> 00:07:52,344
How was your night
of old-school drinking, hmm?
211
00:07:52,378 --> 00:07:53,911
Pretty hung over?
Shh!
212
00:07:53,912 --> 00:07:56,346
Turn off
your mouth siren.
213
00:07:56,347 --> 00:07:59,014
Here are the texts
I got from you last night.
214
00:07:59,048 --> 00:08:00,381
"Best night ever."
215
00:08:00,382 --> 00:08:02,416
"Why scotch burn so good?"
216
00:08:02,450 --> 00:08:05,221
"Whaz his name in Serpico?"
217
00:08:05,255 --> 00:08:07,292
"Who's the friend of yours
with the ping-pong?"
218
00:08:07,293 --> 00:08:08,792
And lastly,
219
00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:10,658
a picture of you
on the subway platform
220
00:08:10,659 --> 00:08:13,428
eating Chinese chicken salad
with no shirt on.
221
00:08:13,429 --> 00:08:17,168
Well, last night was awesome.
222
00:08:17,169 --> 00:08:20,682
We had an epic night of bonding
that I will never forget.
223
00:08:20,707 --> 00:08:23,076
Do it!
I believe in you.
224
00:08:25,514 --> 00:08:29,319
Throw it!
I believe in you.
225
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,755
Man, I wonder
if Brogan's okay.
226
00:08:30,756 --> 00:08:33,158
He's 65 and drank
two bottles of scotch.
227
00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:34,926
He might be dead.
He looks fine to me.
228
00:08:34,961 --> 00:08:35,961
Morning, kid!
229
00:08:35,962 --> 00:08:37,229
Ooh!
How ya doing?
230
00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:38,965
Uh... hey...
231
00:08:38,966 --> 00:08:41,067
So good.
I feel great.
232
00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:43,501
And I definitely don't think
it's burning hot in here.
233
00:08:43,502 --> 00:08:45,069
Well, I'm around.
234
00:08:45,103 --> 00:08:46,602
Grab me if anything
develops in your case.
235
00:08:46,603 --> 00:08:48,136
You got it.
236
00:08:48,137 --> 00:08:50,137
That hurt so bad.
Let me know when he's gone
237
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,070
so I can slide
onto the nice, cool floor.
238
00:08:52,104 --> 00:08:53,403
He's gone.
Great.
239
00:08:53,404 --> 00:08:55,070
Mmm...
240
00:08:58,073 --> 00:09:01,674
Oh... my whole body
has dry mouth.
241
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:05,277
Why are we meeting
in the ladies' room?
242
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,680
It's the perfect place
for our second lesson...
243
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:08,948
Courthouse wardrobe.
244
00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:10,984
What's wrong
with the way I dress?
245
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,653
You know, some people might
say that all the black leather
246
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,488
kind of makes you looks like
an evil villain.
247
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:16,990
Not me.
248
00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:20,697
I think you look like
a sexy motorcycle.
249
00:09:20,698 --> 00:09:22,365
Boyle, pull it together.
250
00:09:22,366 --> 00:09:23,500
Yeah.
251
00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:25,336
We need to
soften up your look.
252
00:09:25,370 --> 00:09:28,271
My wife and Charles's mom
donated some clothes.
253
00:09:28,272 --> 00:09:31,545
Your wife and Boyle's mom
are both blind?
254
00:09:34,150 --> 00:09:35,617
I look like arsenio.
255
00:09:35,652 --> 00:09:38,019
So it's... perfect?
256
00:09:39,719 --> 00:09:41,318
That's actually
my wedding suit.
257
00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:42,587
No.
258
00:09:42,621 --> 00:09:44,222
Yes.
259
00:09:44,223 --> 00:09:45,491
No.
No.
260
00:09:47,693 --> 00:09:50,596
That's great.
Perfect!
261
00:09:50,630 --> 00:09:51,831
You look beautiful... ly...
262
00:09:51,832 --> 00:09:53,833
Appropriate for court.
263
00:09:54,968 --> 00:09:56,434
Ohh...
264
00:09:56,468 --> 00:09:57,601
Scully.
265
00:09:57,635 --> 00:09:59,702
Hey, Jake.
You've been alive forever.
266
00:09:59,736 --> 00:10:01,371
How'd you used to cure
hangovers?
267
00:10:01,406 --> 00:10:04,042
Oh, I didn't drink.
I was, however,
268
00:10:04,043 --> 00:10:06,582
extremely into cocaine
for most of 1986.
269
00:10:06,616 --> 00:10:08,117
I gotta tell you the truth,
Hitchcock...
270
00:10:08,118 --> 00:10:09,751
Can I tell you the truth?
You and me, man.
271
00:10:09,752 --> 00:10:11,320
We're gonna be co-captains.
272
00:10:11,321 --> 00:10:13,122
But first I'm taking you
to Japan!
273
00:10:13,123 --> 00:10:15,159
I'm already packed!
274
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,196
I had three heart attacks
that year
275
00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:18,297
and declared bankruptcy.
276
00:10:18,332 --> 00:10:20,366
Hitchcock turned out
just fine.
277
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,967
My grandpa
was an old-school cop.
278
00:10:23,002 --> 00:10:26,270
This was his hangover cure...
Raw egg yolks.
279
00:10:26,271 --> 00:10:27,903
Aaahhh!
280
00:10:27,937 --> 00:10:30,971
You look like a corpse
we just pulled out of the river.
281
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:32,508
Wrong. I look like
a cool rock star
282
00:10:32,509 --> 00:10:34,144
who oded in his own pool.
Big difference.
283
00:10:34,145 --> 00:10:35,713
I told you not to let
Jimmy Brogan
284
00:10:35,748 --> 00:10:37,182
distract you
from your work.
285
00:10:37,183 --> 00:10:39,886
So I assume you're not
too hung over to do said work?
286
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,123
Pfft. Nope. It's like
I never even drank.
287
00:10:43,124 --> 00:10:44,257
And that's not
a hangover cure.
288
00:10:44,292 --> 00:10:46,489
What, that?
Naw, it's just some...
289
00:10:46,490 --> 00:10:48,725
Protein for my guns.
290
00:10:48,726 --> 00:10:51,996
I drink one every morning
before I lift.
291
00:10:52,030 --> 00:10:53,965
So...
292
00:10:56,937 --> 00:10:58,567
Gah!
293
00:10:58,568 --> 00:11:00,202
Ah ha ha!
294
00:11:00,203 --> 00:11:01,971
So good!
295
00:11:01,972 --> 00:11:04,743
You can barely even tell
it's a chicken embryo.
296
00:11:04,744 --> 00:11:06,414
You should drink it all.
297
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:07,916
For your guns.
298
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:12,487
Yeah.
299
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,026
Agh.
300
00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:20,692
Ah, it's just like...
301
00:11:20,727 --> 00:11:22,594
Fitness, right?
302
00:11:24,398 --> 00:11:27,065
Oh, why did I do this?
303
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:29,167
According to your text,
you were having
304
00:11:29,168 --> 00:11:30,700
"the beef light
of my loaf."
305
00:11:30,701 --> 00:11:33,302
What? No, no. Why did
I use this algorithm?
306
00:11:33,303 --> 00:11:35,439
We're only tracking people
who use the stolen cards.
307
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,374
They might not be the same
as the ones who stole them.
308
00:11:37,375 --> 00:11:39,843
Here,
switch seats with me.
309
00:11:42,248 --> 00:11:45,653
Oh, wow.
Your butt's really warm.
310
00:11:45,687 --> 00:11:47,789
My butt's normal.
Your butt's the weird one.
311
00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:49,091
Don't be mad.
It's nice.
312
00:11:49,092 --> 00:11:51,156
All right, so if we ignore
all these fraudulent purchases
313
00:11:51,157 --> 00:11:53,158
and go back far enough...
314
00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:55,862
Here. Someone posted
the stolen card numbers online
315
00:11:55,863 --> 00:11:57,462
from this IP address.
316
00:11:57,463 --> 00:11:59,528
Not bad!
You found the pattern.
317
00:11:59,529 --> 00:12:01,862
All right, let's aspirin up
and roll out!
318
00:12:01,863 --> 00:12:04,230
Ah... ohh!
319
00:12:04,231 --> 00:12:05,297
Ohh...
320
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:10,072
I'm glad you could
be here for this.
321
00:12:10,106 --> 00:12:13,140
Mike Halbrook.
322
00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:14,640
NYPD. Open up.
323
00:12:14,674 --> 00:12:16,574
Put your head
through the door.
324
00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:17,742
My head?
325
00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:20,143
We got a runner!
326
00:12:20,178 --> 00:12:21,677
Stop!
Hands in the air!
327
00:12:21,678 --> 00:12:23,044
Oh, wow.
328
00:12:27,645 --> 00:12:29,713
Hoo! Yeah!
329
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:32,753
Good job.
I'm never drinking again.
330
00:12:32,754 --> 00:12:36,154
Hey. You know,
I was gonna take him out myself,
331
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,421
but ladies first, so...
332
00:12:38,422 --> 00:12:39,856
Relax, kid.
333
00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:41,693
Being too hung over
to chase a perp?
334
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,930
That's a classic
old-school move.
335
00:12:43,965 --> 00:12:47,069
You know, you are one of
the last few good cops
336
00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:49,536
fighting against
the rising tide of hair bags.
337
00:12:49,571 --> 00:12:51,671
That's what you're gonna
say in your article?
338
00:12:51,672 --> 00:12:52,971
Ah, don't worry,
339
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:54,839
you're gonna come out
lookin' real good.
340
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,575
Especially after
our talk in the bar.
341
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,342
Ah...
So many good quotes!
342
00:12:58,343 --> 00:13:00,144
Especially about Holt.
343
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:01,678
Cops are usually afraid
344
00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:03,912
to go after their
captains like that,
345
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:08,112
but you, sir,
are old-school.
346
00:13:08,147 --> 00:13:10,016
You know it.
347
00:13:10,017 --> 00:13:11,717
Oh, pineapples...
348
00:13:11,718 --> 00:13:13,784
What did you do?
349
00:13:15,339 --> 00:13:17,250
Your witness counselor.
350
00:13:17,251 --> 00:13:19,785
Detective Diaz, it's always
a pleasure to see you.
351
00:13:19,819 --> 00:13:21,186
This is not good.
352
00:13:21,187 --> 00:13:23,855
The lawyer is that slimeball
grundhaven... Rosa hates him!
353
00:13:23,856 --> 00:13:25,491
She's dressed right.
We coached her.
354
00:13:25,492 --> 00:13:27,293
She'll be okay.
355
00:13:27,294 --> 00:13:30,132
Would you please state
your name for the record?
356
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:32,435
To be perfectly candid...
357
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:34,070
My name is
Detective Rosa Diaz.
358
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,405
Well, thank you for
your candor
359
00:13:35,406 --> 00:13:37,141
regarding your own name.
360
00:13:38,177 --> 00:13:40,113
Detective Diaz,
361
00:13:40,148 --> 00:13:41,549
would you please
tell the court
362
00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:43,119
exactly how you're
involved in this case?
363
00:13:43,153 --> 00:13:45,255
I caught Mr. Ladd
physically beating his boss
364
00:13:45,256 --> 00:13:47,491
with a fax machine.
Most of his cheek
365
00:13:47,525 --> 00:13:48,859
was caved in.
366
00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:50,828
His head was basically
a blood fountain.
367
00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:53,130
I'm sorry, is this
amusing to you, Ms. Diaz?
368
00:13:54,532 --> 00:13:56,001
Blinking.
369
00:14:00,008 --> 00:14:01,609
Oh, no.
370
00:14:01,610 --> 00:14:03,813
Brogan just sent me
the quotes he's gonna run.
371
00:14:03,814 --> 00:14:05,848
I slammed Holt
like 50 times.
372
00:14:05,849 --> 00:14:07,182
Listen.
373
00:14:07,217 --> 00:14:08,484
"Holt would rather
I wear a tie
374
00:14:08,485 --> 00:14:09,652
"than solve a case.
375
00:14:09,653 --> 00:14:11,820
"Holt cares more about
catching clerical errors
376
00:14:11,821 --> 00:14:13,755
"than catching bad guys.
377
00:14:13,756 --> 00:14:16,524
Holt is way too
verticulis"?
378
00:14:16,525 --> 00:14:18,827
That's not even a word!
What were you thinking?
379
00:14:18,828 --> 00:14:20,628
We were just hanging out,
being old-school.
380
00:14:20,629 --> 00:14:22,298
He wasn't supposed
to quote me.
381
00:14:22,299 --> 00:14:24,502
I was off the record
the whole time.
382
00:14:24,503 --> 00:14:25,973
Oh, no wait.
383
00:14:25,974 --> 00:14:27,376
I'm goin' on the record.
384
00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:30,382
Jake Peralta...
Can dance!
385
00:14:31,517 --> 00:14:34,685
Whoo!
Whoo!
386
00:14:34,686 --> 00:14:37,157
Jimmy Brogan!
387
00:14:37,158 --> 00:14:38,726
You need to fix this,
okay?
388
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,530
Those quotes
cannot run.
389
00:14:40,531 --> 00:14:42,564
It would be
devastating for Holt.
390
00:14:42,565 --> 00:14:44,866
And the department.
I'll fix it.
391
00:14:44,867 --> 00:14:47,002
Brogan's a cool guy.
We're friends now.
392
00:14:47,003 --> 00:14:49,773
I'll just talk to him,
awesome dude to awesome dude.
393
00:14:49,774 --> 00:14:52,278
I should brush my teeth
first, though, right?
394
00:14:52,279 --> 00:14:53,747
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's terrible.
395
00:14:53,748 --> 00:14:55,281
Ugh!
396
00:14:55,282 --> 00:14:56,650
Great advice, dummies.
397
00:14:56,651 --> 00:14:58,018
I look like a psycho
up there!
398
00:14:58,019 --> 00:15:00,088
Yes. You have to
pull it together.
399
00:15:00,089 --> 00:15:02,994
That's not helping!
That's what sarge says to me when I'm nervous.
400
00:15:02,995 --> 00:15:04,764
Rosa, I think
you're nervous.
401
00:15:04,765 --> 00:15:06,268
Of course I'm nervous!
402
00:15:06,269 --> 00:15:07,738
What did you think
was the problem?
403
00:15:07,739 --> 00:15:08,906
We just assumed you were
a terrifying human being
404
00:15:08,907 --> 00:15:10,140
with a short fuse.
405
00:15:10,141 --> 00:15:12,575
But if the problem
is that you're nervous,
406
00:15:12,576 --> 00:15:14,811
that's where
Charles Boyle lives, baby.
407
00:15:14,812 --> 00:15:16,380
I can help!
You just need to go
408
00:15:16,381 --> 00:15:17,749
to your happy place.
409
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,923
What's that?
Sounds stupid.
410
00:15:19,924 --> 00:15:21,558
Oh, everyone's happy place
is different.
411
00:15:21,559 --> 00:15:23,059
For me, I just imagine
I'm slurping up
412
00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:25,095
the world's longest
piece of linguini.
413
00:15:25,096 --> 00:15:27,432
It just keeps going
and going.
414
00:15:27,433 --> 00:15:30,438
Every 20 feet of noodle,
there's a sauce change.
415
00:15:30,439 --> 00:15:32,608
I'm in my happy place
right now.
416
00:15:32,609 --> 00:15:34,308
Mmm... pesto.
417
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:37,074
Mmm! Carbonara!
418
00:15:37,075 --> 00:15:39,678
Great!
Now I'm starving!
419
00:15:43,819 --> 00:15:45,754
Hey, hey, Jimmy Brogan.
420
00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:47,790
Thanks for meeting me.
421
00:15:47,791 --> 00:15:49,256
Welcome to
the Schvitz, kid.
422
00:15:49,257 --> 00:15:52,027
The most comfortable
place on earth.
423
00:15:52,028 --> 00:15:54,031
It's like crawling back
into your mother.
424
00:15:54,032 --> 00:15:55,766
Is that something
people wanna do?
425
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,201
What'd you wanna
talk to me about?
426
00:15:57,202 --> 00:16:00,438
So I read those quotes
you sent me,
427
00:16:00,439 --> 00:16:02,841
and you...
Wrote them so good.
428
00:16:02,842 --> 00:16:04,610
The thing is...
429
00:16:04,611 --> 00:16:05,946
I know I hid it
incredibly well,
430
00:16:05,947 --> 00:16:08,851
but I was pretty drunk
when I said that stuff, so...
431
00:16:08,852 --> 00:16:10,286
Any chance
you wouldn't print it?
432
00:16:10,287 --> 00:16:12,486
Well, you said you were
going on the record.
433
00:16:12,487 --> 00:16:14,519
I was clearly
not in control.
434
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,351
Well, maybe you should learn
to handle your brown.
435
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:18,785
Eew.
436
00:16:18,786 --> 00:16:20,352
Look, you know
that I think
437
00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:23,555
you're like the number one
hero of the 20th century.
438
00:16:23,556 --> 00:16:25,491
But kinda feel like
you're being unfair here.
439
00:16:25,492 --> 00:16:27,458
"Feel like"?
Listen to her,
440
00:16:27,459 --> 00:16:30,160
Suzanne Somers over here.
Talk like a man.
441
00:16:30,161 --> 00:16:31,695
All right,
I will talk like a man.
442
00:16:31,696 --> 00:16:33,632
You got me drunk
and took advantage of me.
443
00:16:33,633 --> 00:16:35,468
Oh, come on.
Gah!
444
00:16:35,469 --> 00:16:36,839
Look, I'm asking you
nicely...
445
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,708
Please don't print
the quotes.
446
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:41,016
And I'm telling you nicely,
I'm printing them.
447
00:16:41,017 --> 00:16:42,484
No, you're not.
448
00:16:42,485 --> 00:16:45,121
What are you gonna
do about it?
449
00:16:50,324 --> 00:16:52,126
Hey, how'd it go with Brogan?
Perfect.
450
00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:53,429
Except I punched him
in the face
451
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:54,931
and made everything
a billion times worse.
452
00:16:54,932 --> 00:16:55,931
What?
453
00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:05,081
Yeah.
454
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:06,750
So, Detective Diaz,
455
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:08,777
you saw my client
struggling with his boss,
456
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,712
but you don't know
who initiated the fight.
457
00:17:10,713 --> 00:17:11,880
To be perfectly candid,
458
00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:14,132
I was pretty sure
it was the defendant.
459
00:17:14,148 --> 00:17:16,593
Oh, to be perfectly candid,
"pretty sure" is not definitive.
460
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,022
I think I know
what happened.
461
00:17:19,057 --> 00:17:20,325
Well,
to be perfectly candid,
462
00:17:20,326 --> 00:17:21,473
no one cares what you think.
463
00:17:21,495 --> 00:17:23,141
Do you actually know
anything,
464
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,333
or are you just guessing?
465
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:30,602
Your client instigated
the fight.
466
00:17:30,603 --> 00:17:32,072
I'm certain.
467
00:17:32,073 --> 00:17:33,777
And I'm happy
to tell you why.
468
00:17:33,809 --> 00:17:35,145
Yes!
469
00:17:35,146 --> 00:17:36,547
She went to
her happy place.
470
00:17:36,548 --> 00:17:37,883
I know that, Boyle.
471
00:17:37,918 --> 00:17:40,584
You punched
Jimmy Brogan?
472
00:17:40,619 --> 00:17:41,826
What were you thinking?
473
00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:42,887
I was thinking
474
00:17:42,888 --> 00:17:44,329
that I needed to protect
this precinct.
475
00:17:44,357 --> 00:17:46,725
From things that I said
about this precinct
476
00:17:46,759 --> 00:17:49,194
to a reporter while drunk
and insisting he record me.
477
00:17:49,195 --> 00:17:50,763
I shouldn't have done it.
Unbelievable.
478
00:17:50,797 --> 00:17:52,533
Every time I think you might
make a decent Detective,
479
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:53,735
you go and pull
something like this.
480
00:17:53,769 --> 00:17:57,105
I thought I could
handle my brown.
481
00:17:57,140 --> 00:17:58,739
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's gross.
482
00:17:58,740 --> 00:18:00,137
Go home!
483
00:18:00,171 --> 00:18:04,040
You got the rest of the day
to put your head on straight.
484
00:18:09,304 --> 00:18:11,836
Got Halbrook to cop
to every charge.
485
00:18:11,870 --> 00:18:13,669
Nice work, Santiago.
Thank you, sir.
486
00:18:13,670 --> 00:18:15,504
Peralta figured out
the pattern, though,
487
00:18:15,505 --> 00:18:17,273
so he should get credit
for the collar.
488
00:18:17,274 --> 00:18:18,441
Have you seen him?
489
00:18:18,475 --> 00:18:20,511
I sent him home.
He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
490
00:18:20,545 --> 00:18:23,548
Yeah. But that caveman
kinda had it coming,
491
00:18:23,582 --> 00:18:24,949
don't you think?
492
00:18:24,983 --> 00:18:27,455
Oh. He didn't tell you.
493
00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,491
Tell me what?
Never mind.
494
00:18:29,492 --> 00:18:31,960
If Jake didn't tell you,
he must have had a reason.
495
00:18:31,994 --> 00:18:34,793
It's not my place.
I'm disappointed in you, Santiago.
496
00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:37,727
I thought
you and I were close.
497
00:18:37,728 --> 00:18:39,929
I know you're
manipulating me...
498
00:18:39,930 --> 00:18:41,096
But I love it,
499
00:18:41,131 --> 00:18:43,233
and I will tell you
anything.
500
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,801
So Jake went to the Schvitz
to talk to Brogan.
501
00:18:45,836 --> 00:18:47,936
What are you gonna
do about it?
502
00:18:52,636 --> 00:18:54,034
There's nothing
I can do...
503
00:18:54,069 --> 00:18:56,771
Except to ask you nicely
as a fan of you,
504
00:18:56,772 --> 00:18:59,306
your work, and the guys
you wrote about...
505
00:18:59,307 --> 00:19:00,675
Please don't print
the quotes.
506
00:19:00,709 --> 00:19:01,942
Sheesh. I didn't realize
507
00:19:01,943 --> 00:19:03,410
you were gonna get your panties
all in a pretzel!
508
00:19:03,444 --> 00:19:05,276
That's actually not
technically possible.
509
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:06,710
I'm not wearing underwear.
510
00:19:06,711 --> 00:19:09,312
It is swampy in here.
My butt's like the everglades.
511
00:19:09,346 --> 00:19:11,983
Look, I know you're trying to
be legit in a hair bag world,
512
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,150
so I will not print
your quotes.
513
00:19:14,184 --> 00:19:15,852
Ah, thank you,
thank you!
514
00:19:15,853 --> 00:19:17,286
That means
the world to me.
515
00:19:17,287 --> 00:19:18,753
And for the record,
516
00:19:18,754 --> 00:19:20,221
I know that Holt
is a stickler,
517
00:19:20,222 --> 00:19:21,655
but he's actually
a really good cop.
518
00:19:21,690 --> 00:19:23,990
Don't worry about it.
We're friends.
519
00:19:23,991 --> 00:19:26,859
You don't have to stick up
for that homo.
520
00:19:28,161 --> 00:19:29,934
I really wish you
hadn't just said that.
521
00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:30,963
What, homo?
522
00:19:30,964 --> 00:19:31,964
Ooh!
523
00:19:31,965 --> 00:19:34,647
Thank you, Santiago.
That'll be all.
524
00:19:38,999 --> 00:19:40,166
Here she is.
525
00:19:41,835 --> 00:19:43,268
Diaz, you did it.
526
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,135
They found him guilty
on all charges.
527
00:19:45,170 --> 00:19:46,703
Huh. Boyle's advice
worked.
528
00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:49,804
So...
529
00:19:49,838 --> 00:19:51,637
Where's your happy place?
530
00:19:51,671 --> 00:19:54,106
I'm in a cabin
in the middle of nowhere.
531
00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:55,574
Inside it's just me
532
00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:58,211
and that stupid,
slimy defense attorney.
533
00:19:58,212 --> 00:20:00,815
And I'm beating
the hell out of him.
534
00:20:00,849 --> 00:20:03,017
I break a dining room table
over his head.
535
00:20:03,051 --> 00:20:04,918
Then I rip off his arm
536
00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:06,787
and shove it
where the sun don't shine.
537
00:20:06,821 --> 00:20:08,956
Then I reach down
his throat
538
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:11,228
and shake his hand.
539
00:20:14,669 --> 00:20:16,035
Yeah. Okay.
540
00:20:16,036 --> 00:20:19,005
I'm gonna go ahead and schedule
you for a psych eval.
541
00:20:20,174 --> 00:20:21,809
I owe you one, Boyle.
542
00:20:21,844 --> 00:20:23,045
Thank-you dinner.
Tomorrow night.
543
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:25,250
Gribaldi's.
It's all-you-can-eat linguini.
544
00:20:26,787 --> 00:20:27,854
Yes!
545
00:20:27,888 --> 00:20:29,355
Oh, my boyfriend's
coming too.
546
00:20:29,356 --> 00:20:31,746
Your what friend now?
547
00:20:33,394 --> 00:20:34,895
All right.
548
00:20:34,929 --> 00:20:36,530
Let's hear it.
549
00:20:36,564 --> 00:20:38,601
Well, it's even worse
than I imagined.
550
00:20:38,635 --> 00:20:40,903
"The new face of the NYPD
551
00:20:40,904 --> 00:20:43,706
is perfectly embodied by
Brooklyn's own Jake Peralta..."
552
00:20:43,741 --> 00:20:44,875
That's not so bad.
553
00:20:44,909 --> 00:20:46,645
"Who cowers behind
his desk all day
554
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:48,613
like the true hair bag
that he is."
555
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:50,013
There it is.
556
00:20:50,014 --> 00:20:52,048
"The old guard would have
eaten a guy like Peralta
557
00:20:52,049 --> 00:20:55,053
for breakfast
and unloaded him by lunch."
558
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,725
Well, it's very colorful.
And hurtful.
559
00:20:57,726 --> 00:21:00,627
You can ignore
that garbage, Santiago.
560
00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:02,895
Jimmy Brogan wouldn't
know a legit cop
561
00:21:02,896 --> 00:21:05,499
if he punched him
in the face.
562
00:21:09,307 --> 00:21:10,407
Well...
563
00:21:10,441 --> 00:21:13,408
Guess I'm done
with this.
564
00:21:13,409 --> 00:21:16,479
Not good enough.
565
00:21:16,514 --> 00:21:18,951
Three, two, one...
566
00:21:22,724 --> 00:21:25,892
Welcome to the party, pal!
567
00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:27,795
God,
you love that movie.
568
00:21:27,796 --> 00:21:29,478
It's Die Hard.
569
00:21:30,305 --> 00:22:30,438
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