All language subtitles for brooklyn-nine-nine.S1E22_480P

I didn't wash my hands,
and I don't care.

Yup.

Cool to be some place where they don't cut
you off right when things get good, right?
Ripped By mstoll

Another pitcher of your
strongest beer please, good sir,

and a glass thingy
to drink it out of.

And, uh, one of whatever this guy's
having for that guy,

and one of what that guy's having
for this guy.

And another round
for everyone, on me!

(CHEERING)
PERALTA: Yeah.

That's right.
Thanks, buddy.

What's the occasion?

Oh, I'm celebrating.

My name's Jake Peralta,
and I just got fired from
the NYPD.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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All right, listen up.

What you're about to see
is highly disturbing,

but please,
no comments.

This man is in pain,
so above all else, be kind.

JEFFORDS:
Good morning, Boyle.

Let's just
get it out there.

Vivian broke up
with me last night.

VIVIAN: I'm sorry,
Chucklebunny.

(SIGHS)

Charles, wait!
Yes?

Your food dehydrator.

Oh, God.

It's official.

The wedding's off, and this is what
I'm like now.

Life is a pit.
GINA: Excuse me?

I don't understand.

Did you already have
a matrix getup at home for some reason?

No, Gina, I bought
this with the money

I was going to spend
on our honeymoon to Cape Canaveral.

I'm so sorry, buddy.

BOYLE: Don't be.
I'm settling into the darkness nicely.

I definitely get you now.

What you got
there, Boyle?

Eggs in a bag.

Nothing brings
me joy anymore,
not even food.

Now, I only eat
for sustenance.

Smart.
Save that for later.
(CHUCKLES)

Peralta?
My office. Now.

(SIGHS)

Sir?

Ah.

Commissioner Podolski.
It's been a while.

Maybe because
you haven't put

any of my children
in handcuffs recently.

Yay, enemies for life.
(CHUCKLES)

Peralta, have you been
investigating Lucas Wint?

Uh, yeah, I have.

I think
he's laundering money
for drug dealers.

Don't be an idiot.

Lucas Wint is
a civic leader.

He runs a major charity.

His community center
is the lifeblood of that neighborhood.

And he officially
claims you have been harassing him.

What? That's insane.

I've been trying
to talk to him,

and he keeps avoiding me
like a guilty person.

So, I approached him at
his weekly basketball game.

Hey, there, Wint.
I got a couple questions for you.

I told you
to back off.

This is completely
inappropriate.

No. This is me
scoring in your face!

Kobe!

Seemed like
an obvious goal-tend,

but that's besides
the point.

Peralta, do you have
any evidence to support your suspicions?

There's a lot of chatter amongst low
level drug dealers.

Chatter?
Sorry, I know.

I know. I hate that word, too.
Tittle-tattle.

Just stay away from Wint.
That's an order.

(SIGHS) Captain,
I'm telling you.

This is reliable
tittle-tattle.

You have to trust me.

Trust me.

It's in your best interest
to back off.

Fine.

But just for the record,
I think you're both wrong.

Self-dismissed.

We have to help Charles.
He's devastated.

I hate seeing
him like this.

Breakups are cartoony
thumbs down.

They make people feel face with "X's"
for the eyes.

What does that even mean?

The English language
cannot fully capture

the depth and complexity
of my thoughts,

so I'm incorporating Emoji into my speech to
better express myself.

Winky face.
Oh, Lord.

Listen,
this is simple.

Boyle needs a little
rebound nooky.

Eggplant Emoji.

Rosa, you wanna
get on that?

Don't make me rip
your tongue off.

I would talk to him, but I don't think
I have any advice.

All of my breakups
have been completely mutual.

This is the best
possible option for both of us.

Agreed.
Take care.

That was the end of an
eight year relationship.

You know, I haven't had
that many romantic breakups,

but neither of my children
will speak to me anymore.

All right, none of you
are any help.

Sarge and I will
cheer up Charles.

DIAZ: Oh.

He's not even chewing
them anymore.

Ugh.

Listen to this text
Boyle just sent me.

"I finally know what used
napkins at a barbecue restaurant feel like."

I hate breakups.

I hope I never go
through one again.

Really?

You think
you'll spend the rest of
your life with Teddy?

What? No.

Maybe. I don't know.

I'm just saying getting dumped
is a nightmare.

No arguments here.

I remember
my worst breakup.

Eighth grade.
Jenny Gildenhorn.

Hey, Jenny.

Jake, I don't wanna
go out anymore.

I like Eddie Fung now.

But it's my Bar Mitzvah.

We were gonna grind.

That day, I truly
became a man.

Wonder where
Eddie Fung is now.

867 Clinton Street,
apartment 2A.

I know exactly where
that bastard is.

(CHUCKLING)

Get down! It's Wint!

What? Wint?
Holt told you to drop that.

I thought we were
working our burglary.

I know, I lied. Apology?
Apology accepted.

Look, Podolski is wrong.
Wint is guilty.

Yesterday, I saw him
get into a car with a known drug dealer.

I didn't have time
to take a picture.

But today,
I came prepared.

Did you tell Holt what you saw?
No.

I don't trust him on this.

How can you
not trust Holt?

He's the executor
of my will.

Wint has crazy
ties to City Hall.

I just don't think Holt would risk
giving up his command.

Anyway...

Oh, crap.
Where'd he go?

(KNOCKING)
Ah!

Hello, Detective Peralta.

Amy.
Hmm?

Tell me who's there.

I'm blind.

You disobeyed my direct orders
to drop this case.

I staked out Wint
'cause I got a tip

he was meeting up
with a drug dealer.

And why didn't you
tell me about this?

Because you told me
to drop the case.

Look, let's just agree to say "I'm sorry"
on the count of three.

One, two, three.

See? Now, I'm just disappointed
in both of us.

This is unacceptable.
You've crossed the line.

Sir, I'm Amy Santiago
and I have something to say.

I think you're wrong.

I think Detective Peralta
is onto something,

and you should
let him pursue it.

I'm Amy Santiago
and I'm done talking.

Good.
Because this is none of your concern.

Commissioner Podolski is bringing you up on
charges and specs.

You're facing
a six month suspension.

And you're on administrative leave
until the hearing.

Now, get out of my office.

Fine.

Here's my gun
and my badge.

I don't need those.
You're not suspended yet.

You're on
administrative leave.

You never let me
do anything cool!

Ah.
Good morning, Captain.

I got you your
favorite breakfast,

a plain bagel
and a water.

Don't try to soften me up.

Why did you ask me to meet you
in this alley

in Bensonhurst
at nine in the morning?

Look, my best chance of
not getting suspended

is proving that
Wint is guilty.

I've got a confidential informant
I need you to meet.

You continued to work this case against
my direct orders?

You astound me.

Thank you, sir.

You astound me, as well.

But I didn't find him.

Santiago did.

What is going on
with you?

I don't know, sir.

We're both
off-roading it here.

My internal GPS has been
recalculating for a week.

This is Isaac.

He used to be a pusher
for the Bay Ridge boys.

Dude. Drugs don't
need pushing.

They push themselves.
People love drugs.

Tell him about
the donations.

All right, look.
Every Friday,

I'd put cash
into a duffle bag

and bring it to Wint
Community Center,

room 265,

and they mark it down as a charitable donation
in their account book.

Ergo, uh-laundering.

So, why should
we believe you?

I don't care
who you believe.

Just know I hate
those dudes now.

They carved up
my territory so bad,

I had to quit
selling drugs.

And I love
selling drugs.

It was my dream job.

Sir, I filled out
a warrant request

to search the community center
for the account book.

I need you to sign it
before I can take it to a judge.

I know I'm asking you to stick your neck out,
but please trust me.

Fine.

But I'll be with you
every step of the way.

You know, you should just put a
microchip in his neck

like a little doggie.

All right, Isaac, thank you.
Yeah, you're done.

All right, guys.

We have Peralta's
hearing at four.

Anybody seen Boyle?

Present.

He seems even worse
than before.

I lost Vivian and now I might
lose Jake.

I don't know
what else to do.

I've tried
being supportive.

I listened to him talk
about Vivian's lips for over two hours.

He kept describing
them as ample.

So ample.

Rosa.

Have you ever
been dumped?

No.

In all my breakups,
I'm always the dumper.

I know you're
having a hard time,

but I think
I can fix this.

There's this thing that I do
whenever I... feel.

What?

Burn everything.

(SIGHS)

Okay.
This feels right.

No, it's terrible!
Vivian, I won't let you burn!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow!

Ah! Ooh!

Ah!
Oh, that's so hot!

What is that?
It's coffee.

(SIGHS) Coffee?

PERALTA: Look at us.

Three rogue cops
taking on a case

the Commissioner
told us to drop.

Button up your jacket.
Sit up straight.

Judge Mindel has a reputation for being
strict and proper.

All right, no worries.
I'll just act like you.

Say something
so I can get the cadence
of your voice down.

I will not.
Perfect.

I will not.
I... will not.

I will... not.

Have a seat, Detective.

I will not.

Excuse me?
Uh, sorry.

I meant, out of respect,
I will choose to stand.

Sit, I will not.

(SIGHING)

This looks like it was
filled out by a toddler.
Mmm-hmm.

Now, we're going to
have to go through this
point by point.

Justice cannot be rushed.

But could it be
gently nudged into
hyper speed?

I take it
you're the toddler.

Mmm.
(PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me a moment.
Mmm-hmm.

This is going terribly.

New plan.

I'm gonna charm her.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.
I had to take that.

You gotta do
what you gotta do.

Captain Raymond Holt.

What's up?

You wanted
to see me, Sarge?

Yeah. Come on in, Boyle.

Sorry to hear
about your hand.
Thanks.

It makes it really hard
to manipulate my egg sack.

Look.
Here's the deal.

I did my junior year
abroad in Tokyo,

and my girlfriend, Chiaki...

She broke my heart.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I stared at the paper
walls for weeks.

Until my roommate
showed me how to
vent my feelings.

Oh.

Take a plate
and smash it.

Yeah.

Oh!
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Feels good!
Yeah!

All right.
Your turn, Boyle.
Okay.

Vent those feelings.
Okay.

Here we go, Sarge.
Yeah.

Ah!

Oh, my testicles!

We've got a warrant,
but now we need a plan.

We can't
just go in there
in our uniforms.

They'll destroy the evidence
before we even walk through
the door.

Good point,
Captain Holt.

Or should I say
"Captain Raymond
Sex Vibes"?

Who knew you had
such game?

Yes, I've found that
many women want
what they can't have.

I get it.
Ew!

PERALTA:
What the hell
is going on?

According
to the community
center calendar,

amateur ballroom
dancing competition.

Ah, okay.

I know how
we're gonna blend in.

Don't say
"thrift store."
Thrift store!

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

I want to thank you

For lettin' me be myself

Again

Thank you for let...

(MUSIC STOPS)

Jake,
the overwhelming
time pressure.

Yep. (SIGHS)

All right, Isaac said
the account book
was in room 265.

It's gotta be upstairs.

Let's head up.

Hey. Where you going?

To the dance contest.

I am nationally recognized
Foxtrotter, Dave Blathis,

and these are
my prot�g�s,

Rhonda Shawarma
and Hank Frankel.

I don't care
who you are.

Upstairs is closed
to the public.

Fine, but we didn't
have to endure this crap
when we danced in Barcelona.

(SIGHS) The hearing's
starting any second.

There might
be another staircase
off the dance floor.

I'll sign us up
for the contest.
Good idea.

Oh, and Amy.
Hmm?

Your dress makes you
look like a mermaid.

Okay, I'll see you
in a little bit.

I know we're all
concerned about Boyle.

But, again,
there is a solution.

Forget your ex with
meaningless sex.

It rhymes
because it's true.

JEFFORDS:
All right, everyone.

Peralta needs us
to stall.

So, just keep your
answers long.

Add stuff.

Embellish your
asses off.

Boyle, you're first.

I don't know if
I'm up for this.

I'm so emotional,
I can barely think straight.

Great. Use that.

Embrace the void.

Would you say
Detective Peralta

was overly interested
in the Wint case?

I only heard
Detective Peralta talk
about Lucas Wint once.

We were in my car.

I took Vivian on our first
real date in that car.

Vivian is my fianc�e.

My ex-fianc�e.

My never-wife.

Detective Boyle,
if you could

please limit your comments
to the matter at hand.

I will. I'd just like
the record to reflect

that "matter at hand"
was one of Vivian's
favorite expressions.

(LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

We should
try to blend in.

Stretch your leg
up over your head.

What?
You stretch your leg
up over your head.

You think I wouldn't
if I could?

(SIGHS) Oh.

Looks like the Captain
found a partner.

PERALTA: Good Lord.

Okay. We begin with
a free-dance period

to the spicy
sounds of rumba.

(RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

All right. The linoleum
awaits, my dear.

Oh, boy.

I know we're undercover,

but I'm starting
to get real nervous
about this contest.

You need
to see a therapist.

Yeah.
Let's dance this way.

Okay.
Ow!

How did you manage to
step on both of my feet
at the same time?

I'm horrible at this.
When can we stop?

I'm horrible at this.
When can we stop?
I know, I know.

Title of my sex tape.

Yeah, well done.

Title of my sex tape.

Oh, my God.
The Captain.

He could really
win this thing.

How did you get
so amazing at dancing?

Jake, focus.

I found a back
stairway over here.

And spin.

Who is he?

As far as I can recall,
Detective Peralta
told me that...

(CLEARS THROAT)

That...

He...

No, I never heard Jake
talk about Wint.

And the very fact that
you have him on trial

is cat doing
"Home Alone" face.

Of...

Look, I've known
Jake forever.

Our friendship is little boy
holding little girl's hand.

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

God. That guard
by the door will
not move.

Uh-oh. He just made
eye contact with me.

Play it cool. Dance,
dance, dance, dance.

You don't have
to say "dance"

every time
you make a step.

Good call.

Hey, do you want me
to actually show you
how to do this

so you don't hurt yourself
and possibly others?

Yes.
Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Ready?
Mmm-hmm.

This is kinda fun.
Yeah.

Maybe Teddy and I
should take a class.

Yeah. Maybe.

Guys, we're running
out of time.
What's the plan?

That guard won't move.

We need a distraction.
I'm on it.

Dance, dance, dance. Dance.

Oh, God! Oh!

My ankle!
Sir, my ankle!

Oh! I heard a pop!
I heard a pop!

Is that bad?
Do you know
if that's bad?

Oh, God!
Oh, I live to dance!

(SOBBING)

Ah. Voil�.

So glad no one
heard me say that.

(CAMERA CLICKING)
Gotcha.

Ah, this is incredible.

The account books
have everything.

Dates, names,
dollar amounts.
HOLT: All right.

I can't wait to
show this to Podolski.

I should probably slip in
a Miley Cyrus "told you so"
face real quick.

(CAMERA CLICKING)
It's hard to do
on the move.

Peralta, wait.

Santiago,
give us a minute.

Sir?
I need you
to do something.

And it's gonna sound crazy,
but it's important.

And I need you
to trust me.

So, Detective Peralta,

do you have
any evidence you'd like
to present on your behalf?

No.

I have nothing.

Jake, what happened?

Did Holt ask you
to get suspended?

No. He told me
to get fired.

Why?
I don't know.

I'm kind of
freaking out.

He said to do it.
And the next thing I knew,
I was just yelling.

And your mother!
All your mothers.

And your grandmothers.

And your grandmothers'
little dogs.

Are you done?
No, I'm not done!

Oh, you're done!
You can't
handle the me!

Oh, my God.
HOLT: Peralta.

Hey.
What's going on?

This is Special Agent
Clarke with the FBI.
FBI?

We couldn't let you
expose Lucas Wint.

It would've compromised
a much larger ongoing
federal investigation.

We believe that
Wint has ties to the
lanucci crime family.

(WHISPERING)
That's one of the best
crime families.

We needed you
to get fired for real

because the lanuccis
have moles inside the NYPD.

And we need them
to trust you.

Detective, we'd like
you to go undercover

and help us with
the investigation.

Okay. The answer is yes.

The details are...
My name is Duncan Buck.

I was raised on
an oil rig by 90 men
and one prostitute.

We'd like you
to be yourself.

Even better.
This could be
very dangerous.

So, please,
take some time and...
No need. I'm in.

Eyes closed,
head first,
can't lose.

I don't think
that's the expression.

Can you just
let me have this?

What I'm about to tell you
cannot leave this room.

Detective Peralta
will be going

in an undercover
assignment with the FBI.

His cover story is
that he was fired.

Oh, my God.
My heart just threw up.

Look, they're saying
this assignment will
last about six months.

So, while I'm gone,
Boyle, I want you to
have my desk.

I'll sit at it always.

Rosa, you can
have my locker.
Sweet.

Amy, you can have
all of my open cases.

HOLT: Okay, that's enough.

Peralta doesn't
have the authority
to do any of this.

You will all sit
at your own desk

and work the cases
I assign you.

But you will be missed.

Thank you, Captain.

Thank you for
trusting me.

Okay.
Now, call us all names
and storm out of here,

for the benefit
of the bullpen.

(SIGHS) This is
the best day ever.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'll miss you guys.

And your mother!

And your mother!

You're all
a bunch of pigs!

I smell bacon!

And guess
what else, Captain.

You can take this tie

and shove it
straight into
your hell-hole.

This whole place
reeks of bacon.

And guess what?

I'm going kosher.
Because "Jakey" don't
dig on swine!

Whoo!

All right, everyone.
I wanna make a toast.

To you guys.

You'll never be
Jake or Vivian,
but at least you're here.

Ugh. I'm going to go
over by the bar,

where I can
hear you worse.

Oh, I get it.
I'd abandon me, too.
That's it.

Boyle, no more eggs.

You're drinking
your troubles away.

Start with this.

I'm gonna
get some bottles
from the bar.

Make way! Large man
helping his little friend,
coming through!

You're so lucky
you've never been through
a painful breakup.

The only reason they
haven't been painful

is 'cause the guys
were all losers.

I've never dated
anyone good.

Hmm.

Like you.

(GLASSES CLINKING)

Amy?

Hey. I thought
I missed you.

Hey, Jake.
Amazing assignment.

I have to admit
I'm a little jealous.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, if you want,
I could help you get fired.

I'm really good at it.
(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

This is real.
This is happening.

Look, um...
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

I don't wanna be a jerk.

I know you're dating Teddy
and it's going really well.

It's just...
What's going on?

(SIGHING)

I don't know what's gonna
happen on this assignment.

And if something
bad goes down,

I think
I'd be pissed at myself
if I didn't say this.

(SIGHING)

I kinda wish something
could happen between us,
romantic-styles.

And I know it can't,
because you're with Teddy
and I'm going undercover.

And that's just how it is.

But...
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Anyway. We're not
supposed to have any contact.
So, I should go.

America needs me.

Bye.

And another round
for everyone on me!

Thanks, buddy.

What's the occasion?
Oh, I'm celebrating.

My name is Jake Peralta
and I just got fired from
the NYPD.

I'm Leo. Lanucci.

Nice to meet you.

(BOTH SCREAMING)
Ripped By mstoll

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