All language subtitles for brooklyn-nine-nine.S1E17_480P

BOYLE: (SINGING)
Drying dishes, yeah

(WHISTLING)

Man, Charles has been
so happy and confident
Ripped By mstoll

ever since he hooked
up with that professor

at the Captain's party.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

She has tenure
and also has 10 years,

times two, older than him.

That sucked.
Yeah.

It's nice to see
him like this.

JEFFORDS: He's so confident.

This morning, he finally
corrected the barista

when she called
him Charlize.

He's been living
as Charlize Broil
for five years.

It's great.
It's all so great.

He could take it
down just a smidge.

(SINGING)
If you like pina coladas

Dead guy, Charles.
Sorry.

But whatever.
I can handle the singing.

I'm just so happy
for that guy. It's about
time he caught a break.

Sexy Train is
leaving the station.

Check out this caboose!

Later, sluts.

Just let him have it.

Great job, Boyle.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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Peralta, where are
we with the Black
Cab Holdups?

Well...
I got this, Jakey.

Oh, all right.
Have at it, man.

GINA: Nice jeans, Boyle.

Those are surprisingly
low-waisted.

Eyes up here, Gina.
I'm more than just
a piece of ass.

ALL: Ooh!
(LAUGHING)

Not bad. Not bad.

An unlicensed cab
driver has been
picking up tourists.

Driver takes the vics
down under the B.Q.E.,

robs them at gunpoint,
leaves them stranded.

Unfortunately,
because they're tourists

and our perp is
not Caucasian,

we don't have
a clear idea of
what he looks like.

He was either
Latino, Arab,

or Mexican.
Either way, very Muslim.

We'll go undercover,
dressed as out-of-towners,

and hope the perp
picks us up.

Don't worry, Sarge.
We'll nail this guy.

I can't believe I was
just briefly attracted
to Boyle!

Ugh! Ugh.

A Mr. Brain Jensen
here to see you, sir.

It's Brian.

Mmm, not according
to this note

I wrote on my hand
very quickly. "Brain."

Captain Holt.
We recently met at
the African-American

Gay and Lesbian
New York City
Policeman's Association.

Uh, yes, that name
is quite a mouthful.

Just call it
the AAGLNYCPA.

Your organization has
meant so much to me.

Uh, well, it's not
my organization.

I mean, I did found it,
and I've been

president for
the last 25 years,

and I oversee
every detail.

But really,
it's our organization.

It's yours. And out
of respect for you

and everything that
you've done,

I wanted to stop by
and let you know I'll be
running for president.

I hate to run
against you,

but I have some
ideas for change

that will bring
AAGLNYCPA

into the 21st century.

I see. Well,

it's been good meeting
you, and, uh, I wish
you the very best.

Thank you.
Goodbye, Brain.

It's... It's Brian.

Very nice man.

Yes, he is.

Now, let's figure
out how to...

...destroy him.

How did the interview
with the victim go?

Went okay.
Guy was from Canada,

said it was probably his
fault for getting robbed

and apologized
for wasting my time.

Oh, Canada.

Truly Odie to
America's Garfield.

Mmm-hmm.
Hey, what are you doing
tomorrow night?

I think I can get us
some Nets tickets.

No go, amigo.

Tomorrow is Vivi's
and my big 20-day anniversary.

I'm pulling out
all the stops.

Dinner at Le Bonbon
with 300 roses
at the table.

No. Oh, man.

Then, a gondola ride
along the Gowanus Canal.

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no.

And then, a skywriter's
going to write
"Charles Loves V."

I couldn't afford
her full name.

Okay. First of all,
"Charles Loves V" means
something very specific,

and I'm gonna guess,
not what you're intending.

But more importantly,

you're going Full Boyle.

Pfft! What? I am not.

What's Full Boyle?
Anytime Charles gets into
a new relationship,

he gets way too intense,
way too fast,

and it always ends
in heartbreak.

We met on the subway.
We went out to dinner,

and I told her I loved her.

And my mom
was so happy.

And then, the barbershop
quartet I hired started
to sing...

And then,
she broke up with me.

And then she broke
up with you.
Yes!

(CRYING) Oh, Joanna! No!

Courtney!

Rhonda!

I know when I'm
going Full Boyle.

Trust me, this is different.
I have it under control.

Got to go, Jakey.

(SIGHS)

Excuse me.
Are you a detective?

Oh, uh, who's asking?

I'm Super Dan, scourge
of Brooklyn's underworld.

And I need to talk
to an officer of the law.

I'm busy right now
working on this excuse.

I think Santiago is free.

Hi. I'm Super Dan.

And I have
a crime to report.

Oh, gosh.

I am so sorry.
I literally just retired.

This is my retirement cake.

Mmm. Thank you, guys.

I'm going to miss
this place.

Why aren't you guys
taking me seriously?

Your cape.
And your tights.

And your name is Super Dan.
And I can kind
of see your penis.

And it's just all
a rich tapestry.

Yeah, well, I'm a citizen.
I'm from this neighborhood.

So, the only reason
I'm wearing

this costume is so
when I'm fighting crime

to help you guys,
people will respect
my authority.

How's that working
out for you?
(GIGGLING)

Detectives,
when a citizen comes
in off the street,

it is NYPD policy
to take a statement.

This isn't enough
of a statement?

Yes, I wanted to inquire
about renting out
the Statue of Liberty

for a romantic evening?
Mmm-hmm.

Is there a bed
in the torch?

No. Okay.

I'll get back to you.

Hey, there, Charles.

I thought maybe
we should have
a little chat

about how crazy you're
acting and how you're
blowing this beyond repair.

Are you really qualified
to give romantic advice?

You're not exactly
the king of mature
relationships.

Fair enough. But I would
argue that I am like a
beautiful angel of love,

who has trouble finding
love for himself.

Admit that you
would see that movie.

I would.
Thank you for your honesty.

But this is not
about me.

It's about Charles.

I've seen this before,
buddy, and it is bad.

Jake. I'm nowhere
near Full Boyle.

Then, prove it.
Just push your anniversary
dinner one night.

Say "Vivian, tomorrow
doesn't work for me.
Can we reschedule?"

If this will convince you,
I'm more than happy.

No problem.
Great.

Voicemail.
Yeah.

God, I love how she
says the words,
"You've reached..."

Hi, Vivi.
It's Chucklebunny.

Oof.
I'm just calling about
dinner tomorrow.

I can't wait to see you,
my luscious little
breakfast quiche.

I just want to
draw you a bubble bath

and spoon-feed you caviar.

I think we should
open up a joint
checking account.

I love you.
What am I doing?

It's okay. I hung up right
after "Chucklebunny".

Help me.
I've gone Full Boyle.

I need to focus on my
re-election campaign.

Clear my schedule.

You really care about
this little club, huh?

It's not a club.
It's an organization that I
founded over 25 years ago.

I'm proud to say we
now have 50 members,

but it wasn't so easy
in the beginning.

I'd like to request
discretionary funds

to start an organization
supporting black gay and
lesbian police officers.

They never actually
said no,

so I just went
ahead and did it.

I've poured my heart
and soul into
this organization,

and I'm not gonna just
give up the presidency.

You should make me
your campaign manager.

I was born for politics.
I have great hair,

and I love lying.

Find out everything you
can about this Jensen.

I'll work on my speech.

How's this for
an opening joke?

"You know what the toughest
part about being a gay
black police officer is?

"The discrimination."

I believe that's
what you call
observational humor.

Probably. That's great.

Ah. All right,
let's go over
our disguises.

I am Herbert Goffleman
from San Diego.

I came here to stand
in the cold outside
The Today Show

holding a sign with
a misspelled word on it.

Oh, you know what?
You win.

That neon green fanny pack
screams gullible tourist.

It's mine. I brought
it from home.

Oh.
Hey, can I have my
phone back, please?

Uh, no. Because you
will call Vivian,

and you have the worst
case of Full Boyle
I've ever seen.

Huh?
I found this,
by the way.

You wrote
"Mr. Charles Ludley"
over a thousand times.

Why would you take
her last name, Boyle?

(SIGHS) Look.

For the last two years,
I've been directing
all my love at Rosa.

So, my emotions
just piled up.

And now, with Vivian,
my feelings are
spraying out of me

like a fire hose.
Ugh!

That is overtly sexual.

Jake, I'm going to ruin it.

You got to help me.

All right,
here's the plan.

I'll text Vivian
from your phone

and tell her you want it
to be a double date.

That way,
I can come with you
and hold your hand.

Then, your hand will be
on her butt

because my hand will be
on her butt.

You've got to get
it together, man.

I told you I need help!

Hey, can I get your file
on that Atlantic Avenue
drug ring?

Sarge gave me
and Scully the case.

What?
Oh.

Why did you do that?
I... I know I deserved it,
but why?

Sarge, you reassigned
our drug case?

Diaz and I have
been working it
for three months.

Remember Super Dan?

The guy you ignored
and made fun of?

He's been perching on
rooftops at night, secretly
taking photos of drug deals.

He has thousands
of images

and can ID the entire
network of dealers.

What?
But you refused
to take his statement

because he had
a cape on.

Luckily, Hitchcock
and Scully didn't mind.

I didn't even notice
he was wearing a cape.

You're a cop.
You should have
noticed that.

We screwed up.
Message received.

Yep.
Be nicer to virgins.

She doesn't speak for me.

You're not getting
your case back.

Okay. Here's what I found
out about our competition.

"Brian Jensen,
born 1899,

"served in the Navy
during World War One.

"A hero at the
Battle of Scimitar Hill,

"Jensen perished in
a factory fire in
the Netherlands."

This may be
a different Brian Jensen.

I've never been in
this position before.

I've always
run unopposed.

If you want to compete,

you're gonna have to
have a little more pizzazz.

Couple ideas for you.

The obvious place
to start would be you

in a silver suit,
with sunglasses
and roller skates.

The candidate of fun.

What's your second idea?

Nada. Thought I had
a slam dunk
on the first one.

Hi, there.
We'd like to go to
the Times Square.

We're brothers.

(PHONE CHIMING)

We're all set for the
double-date tonight.

Vivian's bringing
her friend Bernice.

Bernice?
That sounds like a
cartoon dump truck.

Mmm.
Whatever. That's
probably for the best.

I don't need
any distractions.

My mission is
to protect you.

All right.

Hey, this guy's going
the right way.

We should get out
and try again.

You can let us off here.

Hey. We would like
to buy some bagels.

And where is the
Sex and the City street?

We wanna see where
Carrie and Big live.

I'm a Carrie.
I think I'm a Carrie.

BOTH: We're both Carries.

PERALTA: All right,
let's prepare for
the date tonight.

Here's the things
you're not allowed
to talk about.

Love, poetry,
music, or passion.

We don't have
to talk at all.

I'll just stare
into her eyes.

They're like little drops
of cilantro reduction
on lily white flan.

Okay, now, see,
no food talk.

It sets off something
primal and disgusting
in both of you.

It makes me
want to barf.
You're right.

But if you feel like
you can't handle it,

we need a signal.

I'll do this.
(IMITATING LASERS FIRING)

And how would you
do that naturally?
(SHRUGGING)

This guy's clean,
by the way.

Can we pull over,
please?

(BOYLE SIGHING)

There she is.

I don't know if
I can do this.

Listen to me.
I am with you all night,

and nothing will distract
me from my solemn
vow to protect you.

Okay?
Okay.

Vivian, you look beautiful.
I love your dress.

Oh, you too, Charlie.
You look so handsome.

(GIGGLES)

Steady. Steady.

Jake, this is my
friend, Bernice.

Uh, hello.
I'm Jack... tractive.

"Jack-tractive?"

Yes.
My parents were hippies.

Let's eat.

BERNICE: Okay. So, Jake,
you're a cop?

I wanted to be a cop
when I was a kid,

mostly because
I love Die Hard.

Die Hard. Really?

Mmm-hmm.
Well, that makes sense.

Everyone loves that movie.
Oh, not like me.

I sleep in a Nakatomi
Plaza Security t-shirt.

Ah. Oh, no.

What kind of dogs
do you like?

I mean, you know,
just hypothetically.

If we were
to get a dog.

Oh, I love all dogs.

Uh, when I was a kid,
I had the cutest golden
retriever named Rufus.

That is the most amazing
thing I've ever heard.

I want to meet him.
PERALTA: Charles.

Why don't you tell
Vivian about the
10-day forecast?

Oh. Good idea.

PERALTA: Sorry about that.
BERNICE: Mmm-hmm.

So, if you're not a cop,
then what do you do?

I'm in grad school.
I thought about maybe
being a sports reporter,

but it would be
impossible for me
to be objective.

I love the Nets so much.

You're a Nets fan?
I love the Nets.

Oh, my God. This season
has been a disaster, right?

Yes.
And everybody blames
it on Jason Kidd.

PERALTA: Yes.
But it's like,
at a certain point,

Billy King is the one who
put the team together.

Yes.
(BOYLE GIGGLING)

I love rainy days.

My mother loves
rainy days.

You should meet her.

Excuse me...
(IMITATING LASERS FIRING)
Our signal.

Uh, here's a question
for the group.

What is the longest
funeral you've ever
attended?

Ladies first.

GINA: On behalf
of Captain Holt,
Floorgasm.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hands in the air,
fists pumping like champs

Hands in the air,
fists pumping like champs

Hands in the air,
fists pumping like champs

Pumping like champs,
pumping like champs

Tramp stamp, bam

GINA: Did you like it?

It was inspired
by the city of New York,

in that I stole it from
some kids I saw dancing
in a subway station.

All of you,
go home immediately.

Ugh.

I appreciate the effort,
Gina, but I can't risk
losing this election.

The AAGLNYCPA
means too much.

Let me rehearse
my speech.
(SIGHS)

Do you want a president
who struggled against
all odds

to create this great
organization,

or do you want
a great nothing

who struggled against
nothing-odds to create
nothing?

Yikes.
(DOOR OPENING)

HOLT: The meeting
is beginning.

The stakes are very
high for me.

I'm getting nervous.
My stomach is in flux.

You know, in the court
of Louis XI,

women would only
eat consomm�

because they were
worried that chewing
would give them wrinkles.

I love it when
you talk broth.

Hey, Charles, remember
that dog we found
on the train tracks?

Was it inside-out or just
very badly burned?
Inside-out.

PERALTA: Yeah, 'cause
there were things
on the outside that

definitely should have
been on the inside.

Definition of inside-out.
PERALTA: Bingo.

Will you excuse us?

Bernice and I are
going to going to
use the ladies' room.

Ooh.

Hurry back.

Uh. Oh, no.

Jake, I can't stop
looking at her butt.

Yeah, you are
definitely making
her uncomfortable.

And this beautiful
basketball-loving
Die Hard fan is

tearing down my
walls of defenses.

If we find out that
she is half-Jewish,

we are all doomed!
(SIGHS) I know.

I borrowed
the waiter's phone
when you weren't looking

and bought me
and Vivian plane
tickets to Rome.

What?
We leave in two hours.

Terrible itinerary.
We connect through Vietnam.

Just go home.
Get out of here
and regroup.

I'll take of everything.
I'll tell them it
was an emergency.

Thank you.

Can you make it
a work emergency?
Not a bathroom one.

Kinda wanna make
it a bathroom one.

Sarge, you made
your point.

We messed up.
But this is a big case,

and Hitchcock and Scully
are going to screw it up.

I'm sure they
can handle it.

They have a combined
50 years of experience.

This morning,
I found Scully's
gun in the freezer,

in the frozen yogurt.

I think he was
using it as a spoon.

The truth is,
I had to give
them the case.

You insulted Super Dan.

He refuses
to cooperate with you.

We weren't that bad.

You told him his
super power was being
so embarrassing

that people laugh
themselves to death.

Yeah.

For those of you
who don't know me,

I'm Officer Brian Jensen.

Listen to him talk.
He has no gravitas.

Do you know what
gravitas sounds like?

Greetings, all.

For example, details
about this organization
should be included

in NYPD recruitment
literature

and on the website.
(MURMURING)

He actually has
some good ideas.

Maybe you shouldn't be
so quick to dismiss him.

Like you were with
a certain amazing
dance troop.

He isn't fit
to be president.

He hasn't spent the last
25 years fighting to build
this organization.

Right. Is that bad?

I thought you created
AAGLNYCPA or whatever,

so people like
him wouldn't have
to go through

what you went through.

Isn't it a good thing
that Brian Jensen
didn't have

to struggle for 25 years
just to get up
on this stage?

Thank you all for your time.
I hope you vote for me.

Greetings, all.

You know what the toughest
part about being a gay,
black police officer is?

The discrimination.

What?

At the very first
meeting of the AAGLNYCPA,

I was elected
president unanimously.

Because I was
the only member
and I voted for myself.

But after 25 years
of struggle,

I am no longer
the only member,

and I look forward
to casting my vote
for someone else.

That is why I withdraw
my name from
consideration as president.

Congratulations, Brian.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

If you screw this up,
I will impeach you.

I wrote the bylaws,
so I know how to do it.

But I'm very
happy for you.

But I will impeach
you if necessary.

Anyways, Charles
wanted me to reiterate
how sorry he is,

but he got
an emergency call

and that is plausible
because we're detectives.

Well, is it a tough case?
Because Charlie was acting
so weird tonight.

Mmm-hmm. Work has
been so stressful.

Speaking of,
here is your coat.

I've got to run.
If you wouldn't mind
using the back exit,

it will be much safer.
Trust me, I'm a cop.

New York, right?
(LAUGHING)

Charles. What are
you doing here?

I am so close to
getting you out of this.

They're putting
their coats on.

Funny story.
I was walking home,
and I passed a pawn shop.

And then, I went into
a trance. And now, I have
this engagement ring.

No! Charles!

Well, I'm going to go
ask Vivian to marry me.

Bye.
No.

Give me that.
Jake!

Give that back!
I'm doing this
for your own good.

You've gone Full Boyle!
I'm helping you out!

Give me that ring
or I'm going to
pepper spray you.

Pepper spray me,
I will pepper spray you!

Huh?
Mmm.

No!
(BOTH SCREAMING)

Crap!
Crap!

BOTH: Crap!
Oh, crap!

Ah, crap!
Crap!

Hey, buddy.

I got you that fancy
coffee you like.

I don't want it.
Oh, so expensive.

How you holding up?

I don't know, Jake.
I've been better.

Right. Look, I'm sorry
I threw your ring in
that boiling pork water.

Yeah. Sorry I pepper
sprayed you.

I'm sorry I pepper
sprayed you.
(CHUCKLING)

Burned like hell, right?
Yeah.

Thank God for that soda.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh. It's so sticky,
but it feels so good.

Ooh, cab.

After you.
Yes, sir.

What are you two
still doing here?
Isn't your shift over?

Something we need
to take care of.

Oh. Super Dan, over here.

Thanks for coming.
(SIGHS)

Great. You two?

Look, if you guys want
to make fun of me,

just come down to Pita
Paradise like everyone
else does.

We need your help.
Why?

What happened to Scully
and Hitchcock?

They're busy cleaning
Hitchcock's ear.

SANTIAGO: Yeah.

Did you witness any
of these men selling
narcotics?

This is so official.

Yeah, this guy.

Number three.
That's the mope
we brought in.

Yeah. Okay.

We're going to need
to take your statement.

Spare no detail.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay.

Um. All right.

Well, uh, I was
driving around
my neighborhood

in the DanMobile,
which is my bike.

Um, and...
I know what
we did wrong.

Yeah, we should have
followed the rules,

but more importantly,

we're supposed to help out
everyone, no matter what.

That's right.
Nice work on the arrest.

I got vaccinated
that year.

But then, I still
got the flu. (LAUGHING)

Whoa.

Look, don't be
bummed, man.
It's going to be okay.

No, it isn't.

You can't be with
me every minute
of every day.

I'm in love with this
woman for real,

and I'm going to go Full
Boyle and scare her off.

No. We can figure
this out. All right?

I've still got your
phone, so you're good there.

Hey, hey, hey.
I think we're
gonna get robbed.

I need to pull over.

Flat tire.

Give me your wallets.
NYPD!

You're under arrest
for armed robbery!

Little to the left,
Charles.

Yeah, I'm still not
seeing great because
of the pepper spray.

Hey. Cab driver's
in the interrogation room.

You ready?
Let's do it.

Oh, no. What's this?
What is this?

Hey. I checked your phone.

There were a hundred
texts from Vivian,
worried about you,

a selfie that I
can never unsee,

and dozens of voicemails.

VIVIAN: (OVER PHONE)
Hey, Chucklebunny, it's me.

You disappeared last
night, and you were
acting weird and...

And I'm worried it's
because I'm moving
too fast.

I really want to see you
and I know it's 3 a.m.,

but we should feed
each other falafel
in our underwear...

Okay.

I know it
when I hear it.

She's Full Boyle.

Full Boyle for Boyle.

I took the liberty of
texting her and telling
her to come meet you here.

I thought you might
want to give her this.

Or something
considerably nicer.

That is definitely
not platinum.

You really think this
is a good idea?

Buddy, I honestly
don't know.

But you're definitely
not gonna scare her off.

I say do whatever
makes you happiest.

Jakey, you're the best.

Ah.
(EXCLAIMING)

Your body is trembling
like a leaf.

I'm so excited.

Yes! Yes!
Yes?

Aw. Charles is engaged.

You handled this
really well, Peralta.

I take back what I said
about you being immature.

Oh. Apology accepted,
fart monster.

Okay.

Oh. Okay.
Oh, boy.

Yeah, this is turning
into a live sex show.

Yeah. Let's go.

Oh, no, I wasn't
saying it in a bad way.

Jake.
Yep.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Although they can't see us.

SANTIAGO: Jake!
Yep.
Ripped By mstoll

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