All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S01E16.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

SANTIAGO:
Everyone, check your email.

The greatest thing
that could ever happen
has just happened.

The girl who beat you for high school
valedictorian died?
Ripped By mstoll

No. "Kevin Cozner requests
your presence at Raymond's
birthday party."

Who's Kevin Cozner?

Is he the star of
Danzes with Wolvez?

He's Captain Holt's husband.
Captain Raymond Holt?

We're invited to
the Captain's
birthday party.

Oh, the Captain's party
and whatnot.

I can't wait
to see the inside
of Raymond's house.

I'm going to learn everything
there is to know about him.

I bet it's really fancy. Like
Beauty and the Beast fancy.

Nah, it's probably just
an empty white cube
with a USB port in it

for him to plug his finger
in when he's on sleep mode.

Apparently,
my husband, Kevin,

has invited you all
to my party.

There is very little
street parking.

No gifts. No singing
of Happy Birthday.

It should be fun.

Sounds fantastic.

Did you hear that?
His husband invited us.
Not him.

He so doesn't
want us there.
Yes, he does.

It was kind of
a last minute invite.

Just stirring the pot.

Why wouldn't Holt
want us there?

Because he thinks

we're going to embarrass him
in front of his husband.

Which, frankly,
is insulting.

Oh, man. All the
orange soda spilled
out of my cereal.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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Happy birthday,
you sly old fox.

How many spankings
is it this year?

Peralta, please.
Save some charm
for the party.

Oh, you mean the party

that you begrudgingly
invited us to

at the last minute because
you don't want us there?

I couldn't be happier
you're coming.
And it shows.

I can't wait to meet Kevin.

I assume he's the fun one
in the relationship.

I'm not sure you and Kevin
will get along.

Really? Well, I disagree.

In fact, I will guarantee you
that by the end of the night,

Kev and I
will be best friends.

He hates being
called Kev.
Or does he?

Yes.

Ah, bam!

Behold. My secret weapon
for winning over Kevin.

In this box is every
grisly crime

the Nine-Nine has worked

in the past eight years.

Civilians love
juicy cop stories.

Oh, I call that murder
where they strung

fishing wire
through three guys.

Hey, we solved
that together.

Well, tough tattros.
I called it.

Also, I have loaded
all of my favorite

karaoke backing tracks
onto my phone.

Kevin and I will be duetting
Rolling in the Deep.

That's it. Emergency
squad meeting,

briefing room, two minutes.

PERALTA:
Uh, "Adult Parties"?

Sergeant, I believe
they're called orgies.

No look five.

I met my wife at an orgy.

Well, she was
leaving an orgy

and we bumped into
each other on the street.

Real meet cute.

Thank you
for exhibiting exactly

why this meeting
is necessary.

Everyone here
needs some instruction

on interacting with grownups.

Sergeant, why am I here?

I'm always incredibly
appropriate.

In high school, I was
voted "Most Appropriate."

Ooh. Self burn.
Those are rare.

I shouldn't be here either.
I'm fine at parties.

I just stand in the middle
of the room and
don't say anything.

Here are the rules.
No staring at your phones.

No rolling in
two hours late.

No sweatpants, no jeans,
and no shorts.

What about dress-up shorts?

For instance, the kind
Jen Aniston might wear.

No, those are still
shorts. No shorts.

And everyone bring
a bottle of wine.

Why are there
so many rules?

I mean, next thing
you're going to say is
we can't be late.

Yeah. That's, like,
the first thing I said.

Oh...

This neighborhood is amazing.
Class just seeps out
of every vestibule.

Keep it in your pants,
Santiago.

Scully, I specifically
said no shorts.

Sarge, it's not my fault.
You said so many things
about shorts, I got confused.

Man, did I screw the pooch.

(PANTING)
Peralta. Where have you been?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I know, I am threety-five
minutes late. Yikes!

But I had to stop
and get some wine.

Hello, good sir.
I'd like your finest
bottle of wine, please.

That will be $1,600.

Great. I'd like your eight
dollar-est bottle of wine,
please.

It's from the finest
vineyard in Arkansas.

Yeah!
Ah. Samesies.

Wow.
Wow.

Ah. Welcome.
Captain.

ALL: Captain!
Raymond!

Those slacks
are a knockout.

Come on, Amy.

I trust you found my home
easy to locate,

and thank you all for
wearing appropriate footwear.

Wow, you really let
your hair down when
you're not at the office.

Ah, Detectives,
meet my husband, Kevin.

Nice to meet you.
Hi.

Evening. So glad
you could make it.

Ah, and look.
You've brought us some wine.

"Drink."
This is legally
called "wine drink."

Hmm.
How very thoughtful.
Thank you.

It's red. Like blood.

You know, I worked a double
homicide on this block
a couple of years ago.

The details
will astound you.

Yes, I'm sorry.
Perhaps Raymond
didn't say anything.

Our home has
a "no shoptalk" policy.

I don't bring home Beowulf

and he doesn't
bring home cop stories.

So, may I pour you
some of this wine drink
you brought us?

Perhaps all of it?

All of it sounds good.

Actually, Ray and I
met over the phone.

Oh, they've all
heard the story.

No, we haven't.
And we need to.

Well, Ray was a source
for an article I was writing
for The New Yorker.

I asked him a series
of dry questions
about police work,

and his answers
had me in stitches.
(CHUCKLES)

There's no one funnier
than Ray Holt.

Amen.
There isn't?

We met for a drink that night
and we've been
together ever since.

So, Kevin, I hear
you're a professor
at Columbia?

That's right. Yes, I head
the Classics Department.

Oh, interesting. Classics.

Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard.

Total classics head
over here.

I'm joking.
Obviously, I know what
the classics are.

The Odyssey and the one you
said when we got here,
the wolf one.

Kevin, why don't we
go mingle and let
the Detectives settle in?

Boyle, what happened
to your shirt?

I spilled a wonderful
winter salsa.

Here, wear my shirt. I was
going to take it off anyway.

Hitchcock, no.
Boyle, take my sweater.

Fits really well.
We have similar physiques.

We've been here
all of four minutes
and you guys have

already forgotten
everything I said.

Party huddle stat.

JEFFORDS: Okay, gang.
We need a new strategy.

Totally. What is
going on out there?

We can't tell cop stories,

Kevin doesn't
find me charming,

and a native English speaker
referred to Captain Holt
as hilarious.

I am flummoxed.

That's a word I learned
for this party, and I am it.

Well, I'm doing fine.
Really?

"Raymond, those slacks
are a knockout."

Do you think
he heard that?

Only 'cause you yelled it.

Shut up.

From now on,
we play to our strengths.

Charles, you know
everything about food.
That's all you talk about.

I mean, I don't think anyone
will ever know everything
about food.

It's an evolving discipline.

That's great stuff.

It's so boring.
Don't waste it.

Amy, you studied art history.
That's interesting.

Scully, opera.
Hitchcock, nothing.

Talk about nothing.

Rosa, stick with Gina.

Make sure she doesn't
say anything insane or
steal anything.

Too late.
(GIGGLING)

Don't worry. It's just, like,
hats and scarves and stuff.

She will put those back.
I will handle the chitchat.

Well, that just leaves you,
Peralta. What's your
cultural specialty?

Easy. Kevin mentioned
The New Yorker,

and I've totally read that.

(LAUGHING)

Keep a low profile.
Chuckle at anecdotes.

Try not to start
any conversations.

Got it. Wait a minute.
You're Hitchcocking me?

Well, not surprising.
We're practically twins.

Be appropriate.
On three. Quietly.

One, two, three.

ALL: (SOFTLY) Be appropriate.

Now, break it up.
We look weird.
SANTIAGO: Right.

Don't move as a group.
You're not gazelles.

No, no,
I said "millimeter."
(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, Ray, I'm going to
choke from laughter.
You're too funny.

(LAUGHING)

Yes. Great humor words,
Raymond.

You know, it reminds me
of a very interesting
article I read

about human trafficking
in The New Yorker.

No, it doesn't.
Oh.

The one written
by David Remnick?
I loved that piece.

From four weeks ago.
Or was it three weeks?

No, four.

Anyways, I was riveted.
I'm a huge New Yorker guy.

I could talk about
that article for hours.

Great.
That's unnecessary.

Let's do that right now.
Let's do!

Ah! There they are.
Kevin, let's greet
our guests.

Oh. Duty calls.

To be continued.
Totes! Can't wait.

I can wait.

All I remember about
that article is the title.
I was hopped up on nitrous.

Well, we've got to find
that magazine. It's got to
be in here somewhere, right?

This place is like
a candy store for nerds.

Stop eating crab wrong!

Ah!

Pepper relish
on your arancini.
Very playful.

Cut through the richness,
add a little levity.
I love that.

You really know your food.

You could say it's the
only thing I'm allowed
to talk about.

I'm Charles. I work
with Captain Holt.

I'm Vivian Ludley.
I work with Kevin.

No. The Vivian Ludley?

Author of Stone Fruits
and Stone-Stones:
Food of the Paleolithic Era?

I'm a huge fan. It's got
the best recipes for making
salads out of moss.

The trick is you have to
lean into the dirt taste.

A-ha.
Mmm.

Chickpeas, tahini,
smoked paprika.

They make their
own hummus.

Santiago?
Sergeant!
I'm learning so much.

We both have
blue hand towels,

we have the same microwave,

and once I buy coasters
made out of geodes,

we'll both have those.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

No! Hey! My notes!

This is a birthday party,
not a recon mission.

You can get this back
at the end of the night.

All right. Let's go interact
with these dummies.

Wait here.

What do you teach?

Comparative historiography of
the French and American
revolutions.

Nope. How about you?

Molecular biology.
Worse.

What do you study?

Abnormal psychology.

So, like,
weirdoes and freaks?

You should meet
my friend. Hey.

Gina, what are you
thinking about right now?

I was thinking
how I would make the
perfect American president,

based upon my skill set,
dance ability,
and bloodlust.

That is fascinating.

(GIGGLES) Ashanti.

Oh, man.
It's black Tom Selleck
and white Sidney Poitier.

(SIGHS)

Come on. All books
and no magazines?

What kind of crappy library
is full of books?

A crap library.

All of the magazines
are in the bathroom.
Great solve, Peralta.

Ah!

Can I help you?

Captain, I didn't
hear you silently
sneak up on me.

Oh, that reminds me.
Tell Kevin that
I am available

for brunch
on Sunday the 17th.

The 17th is a Tuesday.

Why are you talking
about The New Yorker
all of a sudden?

I always talk about
smart stuff, you know,

the Jazz Age,
what's in a name,

the 1950s movies
that were from the '50s.

Those were the categories
on Jeopardy! last night.

Don't try so hard to
impress my husband.
Yes, sir.

To the crap library.

April 13th, May 2nd...

Come on.
Why doesn't my life
always work out perfectly?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Uh, just a second!

I'm halfway done!
I'm halfway there.
I'm halfway done,

with what's
happening in here.
WOMAN: Okay.

(OPERATIC SINGING IN ITALIAN)

This song
gets to me every time.
It's beautiful.

You must be so proud.
I sure am.

How long have you two
been together?

We've been partners
for almost 30 years.

So, do you two ever
get harassed at work?

Harassed? For what?

For being a gay couple
who works together
in the NYPD.

Uh...

Peralta! Hey!

Don't you one-minute me.
I will break that finger off.

Hang up that phone.
I am talking to my
credit card company.

I tried to get an
online subscription
to The New Yorker,

and they declined me.

Apparently, based on
my previous purchases,

they assumed it was fraud.
That's crazy.

I'm fancy.
One time, I had coffee
flavored ice cream.

Shut up.
Okay.

Hang up now.

If you're that desperate,
the first two paragraphs

of the article are
on the free site.

You have one minute
to look it up,

and then if I catch you
on that phone again...

Oh, my.

Don't worry. I'm due for
an upgrade and my babies
are on the cloud.

He is so strong.

Thank you.
Lovely party, Kevin.

These tiny pickles
are hilarious.

They're called cornichons.

So, that New Yorker article
about human trafficking
we were discussing?

Mmm, yes. So interesting.
Especially the
first two paragraphs.

Right, but what did you think
of the thesis, vis-�-vis
modern slavery,

and its undeniable role
in the economy?

Good.

If you ask me,
the whole thesis
was way off base,

vis-a-vis the rest
of the article,

vis-a-vis America...

The article was antislavery.
Are you saying that
slavery is good?

You know, I think
you're missing the
point of the article.

You must not be
remembering it right.

Well, I just read it
last night as I got in bed.

It's quite fresh
in my memory.

Ah.
You know, I would like to
hear more of your thoughts.

And I would love to
give them to you,
but unfortunately,

I have got
to hit the crap library.
Excuse me one second.

My last meal on Earth?
That's a great question.

I'd go classic French.
Ortolan.

Tiny songbird,
eaten in a single bite,

bones and all, in open
defiance of God.

It's illegal to
consume Ortolan,

but I actually got an
academic dispensation to eat
one once. (SIGHS)

The beak, very crunchy.

That is literally
the sexiest thing
anyone has ever said.

How are you single?
You're not seeing anyone?

No. There's nobody
in my life.

Sort of a sad thing to
wink about, I realize now.

Aren't you supposed to
be babysitting Gina?
Doesn't need my help.

She's over there
dazzling some psychologists.

All men are at least
30% attracted to me.

My mother cried
the day I was born,

because she knew
she would never
be better than me.

At any given moment,
I'm thinking about one thing,

Richard Dreyfuss
hunkered over,
eating dog food.

I feel like
I'm the Paris of people.

Complete overlap
of ego and id.
It's been theorized,

but I never
thought I'd see it.

I'm exquisite.
(LAUGHS)

(MOANING)

I can't believe
I'm Frenching in the closet.
I feel like a teenager.

And I feel like
I'm 40 again.

Chew on this shiso leaf.
It will give our kissing
umami flavor.

Delicious.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Time to put my newfound
knowledge to the test.

So, sir.
Popcorn setting.

Always too short,
am I right?

I'm sorry?
On our microwave.

We have the same microwave.

Oh, I didn't buy it.
It, um, came with the house.

Hummus. Thoughts?

I have no thoughts
about hummus.

If you'll excuse me.
Yeah.

Blink twice
if you'd like me
to mercy kill you.

I thought I had done
enough recon, but clearly,

I've only scratched
the surface.

If I'm gonna bond with him,
I have to massively violate
his privacy.

But Truffaut
wrote Breathless.
(CHUCKLES)

And I've always
considered movies
a writer's medium.

I can't agree.
It's Godard's film.

Come on.

I mean, Truffaut
is also important.

Seriously? Hold this.
I've got to go.

Wow. Maybe it is
Truffaut's film.

Mighty DVR, tell me
the Captain's secrets.
Unveil yourself to me.

Oh, How It's Made:
Contact Lenses. Bingo!

What are you doing here?
I... What? I'm not.
What are you doing here?

I need to find a New Yorker
that Kevin left by the bed,

so I can justify this whole
pro slavery stance I backed
myself into.

Detectives!
PERALTA: Sarge.

I see that you, like I,
came up here to
chastise Santiago.

Amy, this is low,
even for you.

I cannot believe
you would both violate

the "please stay
downstairs" rule,

which was
prominently posted.

Get out of here.

HOLT: I don't know
why we have to have
this discussion again.

What do we do?
Bathroom. Bathroom.

Why are you upset with me?

Your employees are the ones
putting a damper
on the party.

They are acting terribly.
You're the one who's been
acting terribly tonight.

You've been curt
and snobby with my guests.

You've been needling
poor Peralta so much,

you practically
made him a new suit.

Needled him a new suit.
Even when we're fighting,
you're hilarious. Stop it.

Stop it.

Oh, no. Dog. Allergies.
Sneezing. No. Get away.

Shh.
Grab the dog.

Look at me. Do not
blow this for us.

You know what?
I knew this wasn't going
to work. It never has.

We should have just gone out
for dinner to a restaurant,
like we do every year.

Why did you make me
invite them?

I made you invite them
because I like them.

They're good people.
(SANTIAGO SNEEZING)

Santiago, are you hiding
in my bathroom

with a dog
that you're deathly
allergic to?

SANTIAGO: No.

Occupied.
(PANTING)

Well, this has been
a stinky 12 hours.

My computer bag
got a hole in the bottom
and my power cord fell out.

Last night was such
a disaster, I wheezecried
myself to sleep.

Well, at least
Captain said he liked us.

Right before he kicked
us out of his house
for violating his trust.

Why didn't Kevin
want to invite us?

We could have been
really cool people.

We weren't, but we
could have been.

Well, as soon as he unveiled
his "no cop talk" policy,
I was sunk.

Gruesome murders are
the cornerstone of my charm.

Well, he spent the last
30 years with a cop.

Maybe he's sick
of hearing about it.

Wait. Maybe that's not
what he's sick of.

Santiago,
you brilliant bastard.
You figured it out!

Hello again,
Professor Kevin Cozner.

What do you want?
I'd like to tell you
about a case I solved.

Thank you, but just as
with my home,

my office has a strict
"no cop talk" policy.

I figured, but the case that
I have solved is the case
of the "no cop talk" policy.

There were three things
that bothered me
about last night.

You didn't
want the Nine-Nine
at your party,

even though
you'd never met us.

Your friends immediately
asked Hitchcock and Scully
if they were harassed.

And there was something
interesting about that
photo in your library.

You and the Captain
were shunted off
to the side.

I don't think
you dislike cop talk.
I think you dislike cops.

(SCOFFS)
I'm married to one.
I know.

And I can't imagine
it's been fun watching
the man you love

marginalized,
underappreciated,
and disrespected by the NYPD.

Because he's gay,
Raymond has been put through
hell by his colleagues.

Many of whom, quite frankly,
look exactly like you.

Devastatingly handsome?
I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable
with emotions.

So, yes, I decided
a long time ago that just
because I love Raymond,

doesn't mean I have to love
the people he works with.

Good solve, Detective.
Nice cop lingo.

Look, I'm really sorry
that we ruined your party.

I'd like
to make it up to you.

PERALTA: Captain,
thank you for joining us.

What's going on?
A proper birthday dinner.

Amy chose the restaurant.
Captain.

Huh. Perfect. I've always
wanted to come here.

PERALTA:
Boyle picked the menu.
Vivian helped.

Terry chose
the champagne.

I'm sorry
about your party, sir.

I tried to keep them
in line, but I failed.

Well, that's not your job.

I'm only sorry
you didn't get a chance
to enjoy yourself.

Gina has brought back
all the silverware

that she stole
from your house.

What?
Also, this clock.

Good heavens.
This isn't ours.

And my contribution will be
to refrain from discussing

The New Yorker for
the rest of my living days.

Enjoy.
Thank you, Jake.

You're welcome, Kevin.
Call me Kev.

Oh.
What?

Oh, he told you
to say that, didn't he?

Well you are always playing
pranks on me, Raymond.

Just once, let me
be the funny one.

(SIGHS)

And finally, it is my
great pleasure
to introduce

the Nine-Nine's own
Detective Scully
to serenade you.

(OPERATIC SINGING IN ITALIAN)

(SOBS) This part always gets me.
Ripped By mstoll

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