All language subtitles for Gordita.Chronicles.S01E05.720p.WEB.h264-KOGi

Ay, why must we mutilate
this beautiful gourd?

- To make a jack-o'-lantern.

First, we cut out a face

and we put a candle inside.

- Ew, I'm not sticking
my hand in there.

- It's an American tradition.

- So is tipping and
drinking milk at dinner.

We don't have to do them all.

- Ooh, you know, what's
a better tradition?

Sopa de auyama.

- Ay, sí. Dominican
pumpkin soup.

Qué rico on a chilly
night like this.

They say it's dropping
down to the '70s.

Qué frio.
- Okay, okay.

Spooky vegetable lantern
first, then soup.

Maybe pie. We'll see.

- I'm so sorry.

Gourd, forgive me.

- It was the night before
my first Halloween,

a holiday I'd been dreaming of

since I was a little
girl in Santo Domingo.

Free candy, crazy costumes,

and the freedom to be anything
you wanted for one night.

What could be more
American than that?

- Hello?

Ugh! Stop calling me!

- Another one of your
Prince Charmings?

- You don't have to
give your number out

to so many creeps.

You're a pretty enough girl...

on the outside.

Stop being so desperate.

- I didn't give my
number to anyone.

These gross boys have been
prank-calling me all week.

- City morgue,
juvenile division.

- Huh.

- Cucu, tell us more about
this "Chucky E. Cheesing."

- Mami, trick-or-treating.
- Yeah.

- Kids dress up and go
knocking door to door,

collecting candy for being cute.

This holiday was made for me.

- Okay. Parate, one second.

We have to buy
candy with our money

to give to other people's
children for free?

- Exactamente, Mami.

- What kind of ridiculous
holiday is that?

- One I've been waiting
for my entire life.

Come on, you let her go out
with her friends all the time.

Plus I'm way tougher
than her anyways.

See? I promise I'll
be back by 10:00.

- 9:30.
- 9:00.

And if you get kidnapped,
call Ashley's mom.

She has more money than us.
- No kidding.

They have a dishwasher
that's not their children.

Listen here, you punk! You
call my daughter again,

and the next call you make
will be for an ambulance!

Oh, hello, Yoshy.

It's for you.

- I'm so excited for tonight.

Is it true that people get
pillowcases filled with candy?

Both: Yes!
- And kids roam the streets

all night in
disguises? Both: Yes!

- And evil spirits come to life

and we have to fight
them with lasers?

- No, that's the plot
of "Ghostbusters."

- Well, I can't
wait to do it all.

Candy, haunted houses,

Draculas, black cats
that turn into women.

- You forgot one
thing: Jacaranda Lane.

- Ooh, who is she?
She sounds crazy.

- Jacaranda Lane is

the holy grail of
trick-or-treating.

It's a cul-de-sac
in Miami Palms.

They have professional
decorations

and full-size candy bars.

- One time I got a
king-size Crunch bar,

ate the whole thing,
and got so sick.

It was awesome.

- We have to go.

This year could be
our last chance.

Adults start getting stingy
once you look older than 12.

It's a good thing
I'm a late bloomer.

- So my first Halloween
could really be my last?

- Mm.

I made a map.
- Let me see your route.

Mm, not bad,

but your time-to-candy
ratio is off.

Look, if we skip
these houses here,

we can take this shortcut
around the canal,

make it to Jacaranda,
and be back by curfew.

- Cucu, you're a genius.

You like Magellan,
but for free candy.

- God gave me a gift.

While I was planning a night

of cheap scares and rich treats,

Emilia had found the source
of her own personal horror,

her number on the bathroom wall.

- Aww, look!

Somebody wrote that I
have bodacious boobs!

- Shut up, Mari.

This isn't about
your overrated boobs.

Somebody's messing with Emilia,
and we need to find out who.

- Tell us who wrote the number!

And why didn't they
mention my boobs?

- You think prank
calls are funny?

Someone said "penis" to my mom.

She doesn't need to
know what that is.

- Oh, God, please don't
put my head in the toilet.

- Ew, boys do that?

- Duh, it's called a
swirlie. Read a book.

- Tell us who wrote the number,

or we'll give you a
quadruple swirlie.

- No!
- And we'll tell all the girls

your number so they can
say "tampon" to your dad.

- No, he doesn't deserve that!

- Tell us who wrote it.

- It was probably Chad!

- Chad. Of course.

You know, he's always wanted

to get back at you for
the dog breath thing.

- Remember Chad?

My sister's first
American heartbreak?

He was the worst kind
of junior high boy:

crude, heartless,
and blond. Ugh.

Seriously, what a little.

- Ugh. I should have known.

- Don't worry. We'll
get back at him.

Plus, Halloween is
the perfect night

for some brujería revenge.

- Okay. So can you
please leave now?

Like, I really need
to use the bathroom.

- Right, let's just
erase my number first.

- I'll take care of it.

Call me.
- Ew.

- You know, with both
girls gone tonight,

it'll be our first night
alone in a long time.

- Oh. Well, maybe we can play

some American
dress-up of our own.

- Maybe we can.

- Ew.

I know what you guys
are talking about,

and it sickens me.

I'm sickened.

- Um, Cucu, is that

your first communion dress?

So sweet.

- I'm a dead bride.

- Huh? Ay, mira, muchacha!

I made that out of antique lace

for your eternal
covenant with God.

But, yeah, okay, great.
You get to wear it twice.

Let me see. What
is that, ketchup?

- Yup. Mixed with syrup
for extra gooeyness.

- Oh.
- Aw.

- I know, I know.
Be home by 9:00.

- 9:30.
- Ah, 10:00.

- Yeah, 10:30.

- Cool.

- Go get a jacket.

Both: Trick-or-treat!

- Hi guys. You
guys look amazing.

Come in.

- Hello.
- Ooh!

- Okay, let me guess.

Yoshy, you're... a
Las Vegas vampire!

- Close. I'm Liberace.

He's a cape-wearing,
piano-playing bad boy.

- He sounds
hilarious. And you...

Nancy Reagan's accountant!

- Almost. I'm a career woman.

My mom always told me
nothing scares people more

than a strong and
independent woman.

- It's true. I find
you frightening.

- Okay, let's go.

We're already three
minutes behind.

- Huh. A new
trick-or-treater already.

Ahh!

- Mamá!

- Mamalin! What
are you doing here?

- What, an abuela needs a reason

to visit her
favorite nietecitas?

- Ay, pero, Mamá, why didn't
you tell us you were coming?

- I tried to call yesterday,
but I got the morgue.

Anyways, I wanted to see what's
so special about this place

that you left me all alone
in the Caribbean Sea.

- We all loved my
grandma, but she could be

a little dramatic and
difficult and critical.

- Víctor, I see you still
cannot grow a full beard.

Hello, Adela, mi amor.

You look so tired.

And clearly you haven't
improved as a cook,

because look at poor
Emilia. Skin and bones.

Ay, but there she is, my
Cucu. My perfect Cucu.

- Mamalin and I
had a special bond.

I was the only one
she didn't criticize.

Maybe because I
was the youngest,

or the cutest, or
the smartest or...

- Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.

It's fake. It's a fake knife.

Yoshy's a funny musician.

And Ashley's a working girl.

- Oh, no. A career
woman. Yeah.

- Mamá, it's Halloween,
un holiday Americana

where the children dress up
like skeletons y fantasmas.

I heard about this
on American news.

They put marijuana,
razor blades in candy,

and they kidnap children
and force them to eat cats.

- No, no.

It's just a bit of harmless fun.

- That's what Adela
said about dating you.

Now, look where we are.

- I'm not even
trick-or-treating.

I'm going to see my very nice,

very Catholic friend, Caridad.

We're gonna discuss our
favorite Bible verses

and talk about the boy
we all like, Jesus.

And Cucu, if you
want some candy,

I'll make you my
famous dulce de coco,

and we can stay all
together at home.

- What?
- What?

- Adios!

- You know, if you're
worried about Cucu's safety,

you could go with her.

- Or... or you can stay here
and keep an eye on them.

I know what you
two are planning.

It's sickening.

- Cucu, she's been sitting
on a plane for hours.

She needs to walk.

- Walking causes joint
pain. She has to sit.

- Sitting causes blood clots.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.
Silencio, both of you.

And Mamá, we are so
happy you're here.

It is your choice.
Chicken-cheating con...

- Trick-or-treating!

- That's what I said.

Or you can stay and hear all
about Víctor's day at work.

- Oh, oh, yes.

We just got this
new filing system...

- No, no, no, no.
Yo quiero caminar.

I need some fresh air.

I'll go with my Cucu and
keep an eye on that one.

- Huh?
- Mm-hmm.

- Great.
- Great!

- Great.

Meanwhile, Emilia wanted
to get revenge on Chad,

so she turned to the darkest,
most evil force she knew of:

teenage girls.

And also an old
book of brujería,

Latin American witchcraft.

- That book of brujería
was the only thing my Mima

brought back from
Cuba when she fled.

- Wow.

Love spell, love
curse, money spell.

Che's mustache curse?

- Mima put a curse
on Che Guevara

so his mustache and beard
would never connect.

And you've seen that thing.

This book has powers.

- I don't know about
this, you guys.

Maybe we should just egg
Chad's house or something.

- Or I can make out with him...

for revenge.

- Neither of those
is bad enough.

Chad has to pay for what he did.

- Here. A curse for
eternal bad luck.

Hold hands and close your eyes.

- It's pastelitos time.

We're cursing a boy!

- But they're guava and cheese.

- Okay, well, just
leave them and go.

- Wait, it says here we need
a strand of Chad's hair.

Where are we
supposed to get that?

- From his head!

- I mean, how are we
supposed to get it?

- Oh.

- Chad's brother
hosts a high school

Halloween party every year.

- So let's go!

- But we weren't even invited,
and it's high schoolers only.

Plus he will know it's us.

- Then I guess we're
gonna have to dress up,

because someone's
getting a haircut.

- Ooh, I hope it's me!

I've always wanted to try bangs.

- But you don't have
the forehead for bangs.

- No.

- Halloween was everything
I dreamed it would be:

the ultimate night
of freedom and candy

and the greatest gordita
holiday ever created.

- Trick-or-treat!

- Who be ringing my bell?

- Mm-mm.

Not so fast.

- But not for me.

- Begging for food like your
families don't feed you?

Qué verguenza!
- But Mamalin,

this is what kids
do on Halloween.

They have to give us
candy or we trick them.

- En mi país, we
call that mugging.

Okay? Vámanos,
vámanos, vámanos.

- How are we supposed to
have the best night ever

if we're being chaperoned
by the Halloween Grinch?

- Guys, if you want to
make it to Jacaranda Lane,

we have to throw my
grandma in a ditch.

- Did you mean to say,
like, "ditch her"?

- Isn't that what I said?
- No.

Cucu, we have to keep
working on your English.

- Mm.

I feel like I work so hard

that we never have
any time for us.

- Don't blame it on work.

Blame it on the children.

- Mm-hmm.

Although we did have
fun making them.

Trick-or-treat!

- I will get it.

Oh, a mummy, a zombie,
and Ronald Reagan.

What scary creatures.

Happy Halloween from
the Castelli family.

Okay.

Where were we?
Blaming the children?

- Blame the children.
Then my mother.

Blame anybody you want.

Like how many
children are there?

Nobody can chimi
chimi around here.

- Maybe we can pretend
it's la policía

and you are Bonnie
and I am Clyde

and we are on the run.

- No.

- Okay, I'll just leave the
candy outside with a note.

- Hey look, candy! Candy!

- Wait! Wait!

They even ate the note.

- As the neighborhood kids
ravaged our candy dish,

Emilia was getting ready
to dish out her revenge.

- Oh, my God!

The Columbus Prep boys are here!

This party's encendío.

- If they're so cool, why are
they drinking apple juice?

- Dani, that's beer.

- Shut your entire mouth.

- Guys, focus. Remember
why we're here.

Look, there's Chad!

Oh, crap. He's wearing a wig.

Okay, if Cari lures him
over to the punch bowl,

then Mari can spill
a drink on him

while Dani and I...

- Emilia had lost her
friends to the party.

- Great. Guess I'm gonna
finish this curse myself.

- And I was determined
to lose my abuela...

A haunted house was the
perfect place to do it.

Wow, so spooky!

Look at this bowl
of slimy eyeballs.

- These are perfectly good uvas.

We take them for later.

- We had found
our secret weapon.

Mamalin, like all grandparents,

couldn't stand wasting food.

And this bowl of intestines.

All this spaghetti and
ketchup going to waste.

- She fell for it. Let's go.

- Trick-or-treat!
- Batteries, matches.

It's like Halloween turns
sweet children into monsters.

We have nothing!

- Well, let's just
pretend we're not here,

like when the Jehovahs come by.
- Huh.

- What was that?

Ay! Señor calabaza!

- Ay!

- Give us some
candy! We want candy!

- Stay low. We're
under attack!

- I hate this holiday.
It's worse than Lent.

I got some fresh
brains and cubeta

that I'm pretty
sure is lentil soup.

I've been tricked.

- Cucu, you did it!
Jacaranda Lane, here we come!

- Hurry! Otherwise,
she might find us!

- She'll never catch up.

We have a huge head start,
plus she's an old lady.

- How dare you throw
me in the ditch?

- After her friends ditched her,

Emilia went through

with her brujería
revenge plan solo.

She didn't need them anyway.

- Excuse me! Watch it.

- Oh, no!

- Actually, she could have
really used some help.

- This isn't what it looks like.

- Emilia's brujería revenge
was going off track,

and so were my
trick-or-treating plans.

- Enough of this trick-or-treat!

We going home now!

- But Mamalin, we have
to go to Jacaranda Lane.

- Qué Jacaranda
ni que Jacaranda!

You two go home!

- She's like a mean E.T.
- That's it!

We barely got to do
Halloween at all.

We rang, like, two doorbells,
and we hardly got any candy.

- I'll make you dulce
de coco at home.

- I don't want
your dulce de coco.

I want wax lips, Sugar Babies.

And I want to eat king-size
Crunch bars until I'm sick.

- You'd rather eat wax than
my homemade Dominican candy?

- Yes! Dominican candy stinks!

This was my only chance
at a real Halloween,

and you ruined it.

You ruined the candy.

You ruined the haunted house.

You ruined all the fun.

If there was anything
scary, it was you.

- Fine. Go celebrate your
estúpido gringo holiday!

Get your estúpido gringo candy!

I am sorry I came with you!
I am sorry I came to America!

- Come on, guys.

Few Dominican kids have
ever spoken like this

to their abuelas and
lived to tell about it.

- Cucu, are you okay?

- Everything's
fine! Let's just go.

- Okay, but Jacaranda
Lane is actually that way.

- I knew that.
But being deprived

of my first
trick-or-treating experience

was making me lose my mind.

I refuse to be a
prisoner in my own home.

- Although the
prisoner-guard thing

could be kind of exciting.

- America is trying
to keep us from making

the red-hot passionate
love that I had planned.

- Okay, that's it!

What we need is to
fight fire with fire.

- You want to light the
trick-or-treaters on fire?

That's illegal, even in Miami.
- No.

You know how I keep
suggesting we play dress-up?

- Amor, this is the one thing
we don't need clothes for.

- I know, but I
have one last idea.

- After we ditched
the Halloween Grinch,

we finally reached
Jacaranda Lane.

It was pure American bliss,

a gordita's paradise
of bountiful candy

and Halloween devotion.

I've never seen so many

king-size candy bars
in my whole life.

- Best Halloween ever.

- Oh, God, I love this
country. God bless America!

- Yeah! Oh!

- No!

- Our candy!

- Yoshy, do something! Yoshy.

- Is it safe? Were
there any survivors?

- No, we've lost
a lot of good men!

Mike, Ike, Mr. Goodbar.

My first and only
Halloween ruined.

- True, but at least we
won't have to feel ashamed

at our next dental checkup.

- Halloween was not turning out

at all like I had hoped,

and neither was Emilia's
brujería revenge.

- Let me guess. You
putting a curse on me?

What's type? Santeria?

Brujería? Macumba?

Yeah, I've been dumped
by a lot of Latin girls.

- A curse? Don't be crazy.

Do you have any
goat's blood on you?

- I think we have
Hawaiian punch.

- I should punch you for writing

my number on the bathroom wall.

- What? I didn't do that.

I mean, I don't even use
the bathroom at school.

I have a shy bladder.

I mean, really, Emilia, after
the whole dog breath thing,

I learned not to mess with you.

- Well, that's smart.

But if you didn't
do it, who did?

- I don't know.

Guess you have an enemy
out there, but it's not me.

And besides, I don't
even have your number.

I mean, unless you
want to give it to me.

- Don't push it, Rambo.

And I'm keeping
this, just in case.

- We know you're in
there, Castellis.

Give us the candy or
we'll kick your pompis.

All right, guys...

Dale.

- Respect!

- It feels good frightening
little children.

I finally understand my mother.

- Well, now that
the danger is gone,

maybe we can play un-dress-up.

- Ah, yeah, I do feel a
little sexy in this costume.

- Oh, really?
- No.

I'm covered in huevos,
and it's freezing outside.

I'm gonna take a shower.
- Okay.

- And so are you.

- Did you get the hair?
- I did, but Chad didn't do it.

- Really? Then who did?

- I don't know... yet.

- Hey, isn't that Chad's wig?

The curse worked!

Chad's a dog now!

We did it.

- That's... that's not...
- No.

- No.
- Oh.

- My one shot at a
perfect Halloween ruined.

Might as well have
stayed with Mamalin.

- We can try again next year.

Yoshy's not gonna hit puberty

for at least another decade.

- Hey, I'm a man!

Guys, quick, hide behind
that tree, please!

- I don't care. They've
taken all of our candy.

The only thing left for
them to take is our dignity.

- What are you doing?

- Mamalin, what
are you doing here?

- I've been following you.

I couldn't let you
walk the streets alone

like some wild gringo child.

- Give us back our
skateboards, lady.

- Listen, little girl,
I've survived huracanes,

dictators, a coach flight
from Santo Domingo.

You think I won't snap these
pieces of wood in half?

Cucu, translate.

- She said if you know,
what's good for you,

she better not see
you around us again,

because if you do,

she'll throw a crocodile
through your window.

- You saved Halloween.

- Can we be best friends?

- No, but you could treat
me like a beautiful tía

you respect and fear.

Now go finish your
chickie-chickie!

- Why did you help us
if you hate Halloween?

- I don't hate Halloween.

Well, I think it's
pretty stupid.

But Cucu...

you've been away from Santo
Domingo for a while now.

You all have.

And when you reject
my dulce de coco

for this gringo tiki-tiki,

it make me feel like I'm
losing you to this country.

- I'm sorry, Mamalin.

I shouldn't have tried to
throw you in the ditch.

I love America,

but there's a lot I miss
about Santo Domingo.

- Like what?

- Like you.

I can be American and Dominican.

And you can like dulce
de coco and Snickers.

Here, try one.

- Dios mío.

This is Halloween?

- This is Halloween.

In the end,

I got my old world
grandma to fall in love

with a new world holiday,

Emilia overcame
the ghost of Chad,

and my parents found

a new appreciation
for Halloween.

And as I predicted,
it was sickening.

- Adela, you have to try this.

Diosito has blessed us with
something called "nougat."

- Ugh, those boys must
still have my number.

I'm gonna tell them
off once and for all.

- Wait, tell them off?

I'll get it.

Cucu, translate, please.