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1
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[MUSIC: Paint By Number Heart
by Martha & The Muffins]
2
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:11,000
[SHE HUMS TUNELESSLY]
3
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,920
They've never been the friendliest
bunch on Grandma's street.
4
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,440
We seem to have a knack
for pissing them off.
5
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,120
Her daughter's a drug
addict, you know.
6
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,839
And she's divorced.
7
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,360
Always has men round...
8
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,240
..and all bloody
colours and all.
9
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,719
Worst of all, though...
10
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:41,800
..she smokes...
11
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,560
..in the kitchen.
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,640
What are them two
bloody staring at?
13
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,560
You all right, Sandra?
14
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,559
Do you need help with that?
15
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,919
With what, love?
16
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,840
That large stick up your arse
- do you need help with it?
17
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,079
Do you pissing mind?!
18
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,919
Bloody hell, Joan.
19
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,239
I could have you locked
up for indecent exposure,
20
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,960
if I didn't mind
that view so much.
21
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,559
Oh, no, no. Don't put
'em away on our account.
22
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,399
Did your mother never
breast-feed you, Paul? Hm?
23
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,439
If you're looking for that wayward
daughter of mine, she's not here,
24
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:27,919
so piss off.
25
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,879
Well, we're going
to have to check.
26
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,800
And I might start
in your bedroom...
27
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,639
..if you want to
come and join me?
28
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,400
[SHE SNIGGERS]
29
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,799
Psst! [BUSH RUSTLES]
30
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,559
Alma! Psst!
31
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,599
Alma, come here.
32
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,999
Hey, will you do
Mummy a little favour?
33
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,519
I've left my leopard print
handbag in the hallway,
34
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,279
so will you just go
and get it for me?
35
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,879
That's Grandma's bag. No,
she... she's lent it to me,
36
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,199
so just go and fetch
it for Mummy, eh?
37
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,800
But don't let anybody see you.
38
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,520
Do you mind?
39
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,719
She's not in the
washing machine, is she?
40
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,399
I'm sick of this
bloody harassment.
41
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,479
I said we've got to
check everywhere, Joan.
42
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,839
Get off me knickers.
43
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,399
It's like dental floss.
44
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,359
Are you not getting any
at home or something?
45
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,960
Right, now what?
46
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,519
Oh, ace!
47
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,039
Oh, ta, Alma.
48
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,480
I'll see you soon, yeah?
49
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,039
Stop!
50
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,639
Stop! It's her. Quick, get her!
51
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,919
Come on. Hey! Come on!
52
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,320
Police, stop!
53
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,240
But without us Nuttalls, what else
would they have to gossip about?
54
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:11,000
Sorry, Julie, you're a national
treasure but I've got dreams, too.
55
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,559
Oh, yeah.
56
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,919
That is fabulous. Look at it.
57
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,039
New me, new life.
58
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,079
This is the plan now.
59
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,519
I'm going to visualise
the shit out of my life.
60
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,599
Hollywood, here I come.
61
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,119
Nothing can hold
me back. Exactly.
62
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,279
Woo!
63
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,480
I'm on the up.
64
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,600
Talent.
65
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,719
You've got that in spades, yeah?
66
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,680
Well, some of you have but
definitely not you, Lesley.
67
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,879
Number two - CV.
68
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,519
Now, having a good CV is part
and parcel of being an actor.
69
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:54,279
I would never have been an
extra/supporting artiste on Corrie,
70
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,560
three times...
71
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,679
That's three.
72
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,999
..if I hadn't got me CV
in good working order.
73
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,599
Now, Brian. I notice on yours,
you've got a lot of accents.
74
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,439
But can you do 'em all? Um...
75
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,759
..yeah, I think so.
76
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,599
All right. Give us
your Scottish, then.
77
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:13,959
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]
78
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,199
[IN A BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:]
Now, ooh! Oh, haggis.
79
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,799
Ooo! Bit of the noo!
80
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,920
Oh, I just want to
dance with a bottle, eh!
81
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,959
No, Brian. That were not
good, were it, class?
82
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,879
ALL: Not really, no.
83
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,759
If anything, it were
a bit racist, Brian.
84
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,319
It was a little bit, yeah.
85
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,599
Look, it's important.
86
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,399
If any of you have
got a skill on your CV
87
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,160
that you don't actually
have, get it off.
88
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,560
Get it off now.
89
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,159
Believe you me, you may
think you can Lindy Hop
90
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,439
when you've had a few
bevvies down at Mondo's...
91
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,080
..but it's a different story...
92
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,599
..when you're in an
audition and you're sober
93
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:56,960
and you'll regret that...
94
00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,960
..for the rest of your lives.
95
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,039
Can I keep beatboxing on?
96
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,319
Beatboxing?
97
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,159
Beatboxing, it's like...
[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT]
98
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,120
[SHE BEATBOXES]
99
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:25,880
No.
100
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,719
Attitude -
101
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,639
change it, all of you.
102
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,199
You'll not get anywhere with
a chip on your shoulders.
103
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,999
Tina, you can't threaten to
beat up casting director,
104
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,519
when you don't get a role.
105
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:39,679
Fuck off!
106
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,919
Alma, you've missed a session.
107
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,320
Lesley, you've
missed a fuck load.
108
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,599
Well, my mum's got cancer, Ian,
and I'm her full-time carer,
109
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,959
so I can't always...
110
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,080
No-one cares, Les.
111
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,359
Excuses don't wash in this biz.
112
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,919
If you're to be an actor,
113
00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,160
you do not have room for
personal drama, like Lesley.
114
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,519
Keep drama on stage.
115
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,319
Why do you think
I'm still single?
116
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,400
I've not had a girlfriend
for 15 years...
117
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:09,760
..because...
118
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,600
..I'm married to the craft.
119
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,839
If you want to be actors,
if you want to be stars,
120
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,719
you need to
streamline your lives.
121
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,999
Get 'em streamli...
122
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,959
Streamline your lives.
123
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,359
Do it with me.
124
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,719
[ALL:] Streamline your lives.
125
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,839
Streamline your lives.
Streamline your lives.
126
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,399
Good, good.
127
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,560
ALL: Streamline your lives.
128
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,079
If you want to be a star,
129
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,040
you've got to streamline your
lives. That's what Ian says.
130
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,719
I could've been a star.
131
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:47,760
Of what?
132
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,320
Don't know, but I've
always felt like one.
133
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,079
I'm just completely
bored since retirement.
134
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,759
I need, um...
135
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,039
..a hobby or a pet.
136
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,599
There's only so much
Tinder a girl can take.
137
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,159
Well, it's Mum's CPA on Tuesday.
138
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,479
You can come to that if
you want something to do.
139
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,439
Fuck that for a bag of Wotsits!
140
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,319
Just me again, then.
141
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,239
Now that's your choice, Alma.
142
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,479
The day I refused to be
your mum's next of kin,
143
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,919
was one of the most
liberating days of my life.
144
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,560
It's the closest you can
get to divorcing a child.
145
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,640
She destroyed me life!
146
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,639
And me vagina.
147
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,159
Ugh.
148
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,200
What's a CPA?
149
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,199
CPAs are these dull
little get-togethers
150
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,479
with my mum and a revolving
door of professionals.
151
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,200
Do we really need all
these fucking people?
152
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,359
Let's just go around the
room and introduce ourselves.
153
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,439
Er...
154
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,919
..I'm Alma, Lin's mum,
I mean, daughter, sorry.
155
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,239
Hello.
156
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,199
I'm Lin, the fish
in the fucking bowl.
157
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,479
They all sit there taking notes and
talking about her in third person.
158
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,359
And the shit they come out with!
159
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,879
I think Lin could benefit from some
breathing exercises for relaxation.
160
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,799
Relaxation?! I smoke for that.
161
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,999
What about the
yarn-bombing course?
162
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,639
Fuck off!
163
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,320
To be fair, she has
tried normal activities.
164
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,239
She's just not
very good at them.
165
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,560
[SHE GROANS]
166
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,399
Argh!
167
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,320
OK, shall we just
keep going round?
168
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,079
Hello, I'm Jane.
169
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,999
Oh, here we go! Another social
worker from the council.
170
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,919
Mum's had more of these
than she's had crack pipes.
171
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,919
They all start off looking
fresh and self-important.
172
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,439
By the end, they
look like this...
173
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,959
[ZOMBIE MOANS]
174
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,600
She has a face like a right
slapped arse, this one.
175
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,479
I'm the new social
worker from the council,
176
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:50,719
taking over from...
177
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,080
Where the fuck is Bev?
178
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,999
Bev has had enough, Lin,
179
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:03,320
and I tell you now, I will not be
spoken to the way you spoke to Bev.
180
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,559
I made one comment about
her weird fucking eyebrow!
181
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,959
It wasn't just one
comment though, was it?
182
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,639
You wrote a poem.
183
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,399
Left it on her window screen.
184
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,959
She fucked up me bennies.
185
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,879
She'd just had her
gall-bladder removed!
186
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,799
It's got nothing
to do with that.
187
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,479
Bev was a dick when
she had a gall-bladder.
188
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,799
She was a dick when she lost it.
Nothing fucking changes with Bev.
189
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,519
OK. Can we just leave Bev's
gall-bladder out of this
190
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,999
and focus on the good news?
191
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,279
What's the good news?
192
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,279
We've just been notified that Lin's
section has finally been lifted.
193
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,639
We're looking at potentially
placing her in a hostel
194
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,159
that offers mental health
support services. No!
195
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,519
Jim's in one of them
now and he hates it.
196
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,199
The tribunal don't
feel you're ready
197
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,239
for independent
living quite yet, Lin.
198
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,639
Fuck's sake, you burn
one little flat down
199
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,279
and everybody's up in arms.
200
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,839
Yeah, no. I don't think a
hostel will work for my mum
201
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,759
cos she needs somewhere where
she can feel calm and stay clean.
202
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,880
Well, the other option's
living with a family member.
203
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,839
OK, so this hostel...
204
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,240
..is it all right? Is
it a goer, do you think?
205
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:11,679
[ALARM WAILS]
206
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,800
[TRAIN WHEELS SCREECH]
207
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:20,279
It's like a shoe box. A
dirty, horrible shoe box.
208
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,679
I mean, it's...
209
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,119
It could be nice.
210
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,799
You know, we just... I
know it's a bit, "Blargh!"
211
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,559
But we'll some paintings up
or we can paint the walls?
212
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:32,879
No painting walls.
213
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,039
No nails in walls.
214
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,239
Right.
215
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:37,719
Like prison.
216
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,319
But do you know what? It's
a lovely area this now.
217
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,879
It's quite posh nowadays.
218
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,199
Very leafy.
219
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,399
People keep saying leafy.
220
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:46,999
What the fuck does it mean?
221
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,879
If I wanted leafy,
I'd live in tree.
222
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,240
Lovely lamp, though.
223
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,080
Oh, hello.
224
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,760
Are you here about the mice?
225
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,360
They keep eating my
fucking cornflakes.
226
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,999
Er... No, we're just
showing my mum round
227
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,679
cos she might be moving in here.
228
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,959
I don't think so.
229
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,559
What about the mice?
230
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,520
What are you going
to do about the mice?
231
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,839
We're not here about the mice.
232
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,279
We don't know
anything about them.
233
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,879
They're taking over!
234
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,199
I can hear them whispering
and plotting in the walls.
235
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,119
OK. Well, maybe speak to...
236
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,319
Shh!
237
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,279
Well, the thing
is... Shh! Listen!
238
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,320
OK.
239
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,319
I mean, I can't actually hear
anything at the minute but...
240
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,519
Go to your room, Louise.
241
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,280
I put the traps down last night.
242
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,800
Bye, Louise. Sorry
that I couldn't help.
243
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:54,879
But, um...
244
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,000
..the clock is nice,
in't it, Mum? It's...
245
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,959
..you know.
246
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,640
Big window that, in't it?
247
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,719
And do you know what?
That's a lovely view.
248
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,519
If you look just straight
ahead and you don't look down,
249
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,119
it's actually quite calming.
250
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,639
[APPROACHING SIRENS] Yeah.
251
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,640
[WAILING]
252
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,600
It's not quite right, is it?
253
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,599
I know, it's not ideal.
254
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,839
Ideal?!
255
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,440
I'd have a housemate who thinks
the mice are plotting against her.
256
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,679
To be fair, she'd be
the sanest one there...
257
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,239
..including security.
258
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,599
I want me own place, Bob.
259
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,639
I've been drug-free
for over two years.
260
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,799
I'm taking me medication.
261
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,879
I've started art therapy.
262
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,679
I've got a bedtime, I
pair me socks, I knit.
263
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,919
I'm practically
Jessica-fucking-Fletcher,
264
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,360
for fuck's sake!
265
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,759
I've had me own flat before.
266
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,639
But you lost it, Lin.
267
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,039
You got yourself in a
situation that means that we...
268
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,559
How dare you!
269
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,719
It wasn't my fault!
270
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,239
You have no idea what I went
through. None of you do!
271
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,559
You hit rock bottom, and they
fuck you while you're down there.
272
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:12,319
No-one is kind or fair
to people like me!
273
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:16,199
I'm a... I'm a bottom feeder,
swimming in a sea of cunts.
274
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,119
Like a great big piece of cod
275
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:24,999
or the Little bloody Mermaid,
who's swimming around with no voice
276
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,279
and just a couple of shells trying
to cover up her ample bosom,
277
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,479
because some fucking octopus
has taken her voice away
278
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,559
and shoved it up a
prince's arse somewhere!
279
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,159
And how do you think
that makes me feel?
280
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,519
It makes me feel like a
big fucking piece of cod!
281
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,279
I never know whether to
laugh or cry at these rants.
282
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,319
There's a bizarre logic to 'em.
283
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,839
It all went wrong for Mum,
284
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,039
when the Government brought in the
point-scoring system for disability.
285
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,559
She was assessed on whether
she was fit for work...
286
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,959
..not by a doctor
but by this bloke.
287
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,039
[HE COUGHS]
288
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,359
After Mum failed her
disability assessment,
289
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,399
she found other income streams.
290
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,679
Then Mum's nurse visits got cut.
291
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,879
They closed the local clinics,
292
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,639
so she had to get two buses for
her anti-psychotic injection.
293
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,079
The bus isn't fun at
the best of times,
294
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,959
never mind when you're
adamantly convinced
295
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,439
you're trapped in an oven at
the other side of the universe.
296
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,720
[FLAMES ROAR AND
CRACKLE] It's too hot!
297
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,879
So she took her medicinal needs
into her own hands again...
298
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,279
Tracy!
299
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,279
..and she didn't have to go far.
300
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,439
Give us a borrow till
next Tuesday, will you?
301
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:36,679
Yeah.
302
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,760
It's safe to say she got herself
in a bit of a pickle from there.
303
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,639
She got sent down for six months
304
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,920
and lost her council
flat in the process.
305
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,079
Lin, can I level with you?
306
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,359
Over 5,000 people are homeless
in Greater Manchester.
307
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,759
Over 80,000 are still
waiting for social housing.
308
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,359
We're living in a Boom
and Crisis paradox
309
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,199
and you're a known
arsonist, Lin.
310
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,839
In all honesty, it's not
likely you'll ever get a flat
311
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,480
completely to yourself again.
312
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,319
So what are her options?
313
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,360
As I said, at this stage...
314
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,519
..family or hostel.
315
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,600
Right.
316
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,479
I can't stand Bob.
317
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,280
Condescending twat.
318
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,559
"You've got yourself
in this situation, Lin.
319
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,519
"We couldn't let you
live on your own, Lin."
320
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,079
Yeah.
321
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,560
He is a twat and all.
322
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,399
"You're not really
God, you know.
323
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,480
"It's important you
recognise that, Alan."
324
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,839
One of my biggest mistakes, him.
325
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,280
Mm, prick.
326
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,359
I can't stay here, Alma.
327
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,639
Please!
328
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,839
Please, get me out of
this guinea pig farm.
329
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,759
The smells, they all blob together
and make me feel ill and the...
330
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,480
Urgh, that prick's here again!
331
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,799
I'm off.
332
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,079
Hiya, Jesus.
333
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,440
Peace be with you.
334
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,080
Never have a son.
335
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,999
Five, six, seven...
336
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,999
OK, ladies. It's
sexy-sassy time!
337
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,959
Oh, lovely arms, Leanne.
338
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,919
Alma, we'll have no angry
crab this week, please.
339
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,839
She's always picking
on me, Cheryl.
340
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,639
Wiggle them hips, love.
341
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,359
She knows.
342
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,399
That's it. Round in a circle.
343
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,439
You know what a circle
is, don't you, Alma?
344
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,319
Alma, you can't have
your mam live with you.
345
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,159
That's an absolute
terrible idea.
346
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,800
Alma, you're flailing.
347
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,639
Well, I've run out of options.
348
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,519
You should've seen the hostel!
349
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,799
Come on, sexy as me.
Come on. Give it some.
350
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,799
Oh, Alma. It's like teaching
a fridge how to dance.
351
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,759
Will you stop
heckling me, Cheryl?!
352
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,359
It's very demoralising!
353
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,319
You know, I'm doing my
best sassy run forward
354
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,479
and you keep shouting, "Oh, you're
a crab! Oh, you're a fridge!"
355
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,520
Well, you're not so good
yourself since your hysterectomy.
356
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,360
[MUSIC:] Starlight by Raya Max
357
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,680
Hello?
358
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,440
OK, not doing hellos.
359
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,840
This is a bit fancy, in't it?
360
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,439
What do you do, then?
361
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,639
Property developer.
362
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,319
I built this place,
363
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,839
and those two over there.
364
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,679
It's going to be
gorgeous when I'm done.
365
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,599
It'll be just like London.
366
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,279
Just need to get rid of that cluster
of druggies and the homeless.
367
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,679
Right.
368
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,159
So I'd like you to be quite
assertive with me, please.
369
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,919
I've been quite naughty today.
370
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,879
Right, OK.
371
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,159
Right, OK, so...
372
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,119
..so you've been quite
naughty, have you?
373
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,399
Very naughty.
374
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,799
You've been very naughty?
375
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,519
Right, so we might need
to spank you, mightn't we?
376
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,479
Yes, I, er...
377
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,079
..think we might.
378
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,399
Wow. We'd better whip your trousers
off then, hadn't we, you naughty...?
379
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,600
Little boy. Little boy.
380
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,399
Very naughty little boy.
381
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,559
I have been naughty,
haven't I, Mummy?
382
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,759
"M-Mummy"?
383
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,280
Yes, you've been a
very naughty boy.
384
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,800
And Mummy's very angry
with naughty boy.
385
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,999
Very naughty boy. Mummy is
very angry with naughty boy!
386
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,159
Mummy!
387
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,439
Very naughty indeed.
388
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,039
[INCREASINGLY ANGRY:] Building
all the fancy flats...
389
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,559
..for the millionaires!
390
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,639
No social housing
for any other fucker!
391
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,399
Naughty boy!
Naughty, naughty boy!
392
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,919
[TEARFULLY:] I'm sorry.
393
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,400
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
394
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,040
Here you go, mate.
395
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,040
I've just spanked an adult
man for that money. Enjoy.
396
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,480
[MUSIC:] Anything I Do By CLiQ
397
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,199
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
398
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,519
I'm not coming to
the door, Edna.
399
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:33,399
The music is at medium level and I'm
being very light-footed on my feet.
400
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,959
I'm like a feather up here.
401
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,359
It's me, Anthony.
Come to the door.
402
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,800
[KNOCKS AGAIN]
403
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:41,720
[TURNS MUSIC OFF]
404
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,760
Come on, Alma.
405
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,240
Shit.
406
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,119
Er, just... Just a second.
407
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,160
Fucking hell.
408
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,039
Hello, can I help you?
409
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,679
Bloody hell, what is that?
410
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:03,759
What?
411
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,399
What? That on your
fucking... on your lip.
412
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,639
Oh, God.
413
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,039
Oh, God, I was supposed
to take this off ages ago.
414
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,400
Oh, God.
415
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,159
Ah! Fucking hell! Oh! Oh!
416
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,080
It burns! Jesus Christ.
It really burns.
417
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,839
Oh... Oh, my God. Thank God.
418
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,240
Oh, thank God for that.
419
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:27,880
What's all this, then?
420
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,959
It's my to-do list.
421
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,800
"Start tap-dancing," and
"Become a global mega-star."
422
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,639
Big to-do list, innit?
423
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,319
Yes, it is.
424
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,199
Listen, I know why you're here.
425
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,039
If you think you can
come crawling back...
426
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,200
Fuck off, right? Cos
I'm not here for that.
427
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,599
Good.
428
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:53,719
It's Rachel.
429
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:54,800
She doing my head in.
430
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,360
Can't arsed be with her.
431
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,319
Who's this Phil bloke you've
been showing off about, then?
432
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,879
None of your business.
433
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,759
Oh. He's dumped you
already, has he? No.
434
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,319
No, I'm just, you know, I'm
keeping my options open.
435
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,119
Playing the field.
436
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,399
I'm single and I'm
ready to mingle.
437
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,759
Oh, single and ready to mingle?
438
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:21,599
I wouldn't be using that
phrase again. It's not 1995.
439
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,279
What are you doing here anyway?
440
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,959
Right, well, how
would you like to go
441
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,159
and grab a cheeky little ye
olde pasty, hey, with...?
442
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,640
[KNOCK AT DOOR] Ooh.
443
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,999
Did you just chuck
these dirty knickers
444
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,159
in a pizza box into my garden?
445
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,999
No, I did not, Edna.
446
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,719
And, to be quite honest, I'm
insulted by the accusation.
447
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,559
Well, it came from your window.
448
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:47,640
Goodbye, Edna.
449
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,560
She's still alive, then.
450
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:54,319
Yeah.
451
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,599
[RAPID KNOCKING]
452
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,000
[BOTH:] Piss off, Edna!
453
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,480
Hey, you're looking good.
454
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,800
You know, a bit like Bagpuss,
but, you know, looking good.
455
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,439
I think it's my nose. Hm?
456
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,479
Why I always look good.
457
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:19,519
I've got a very beautiful
and disarming nose.
458
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,759
You what?
459
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,639
Well, it goes up at the end here,
right, which is silly really.
460
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,999
But the silliness relaxes
and entertains people,
461
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,879
whilst also being very striking.
462
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,119
Bloody hell!
463
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,319
You've got a lot of opinions
on your nose, haven't you?
464
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,559
Like a bloody QVC
demonstration, that.
465
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:37,600
What about my nose?
466
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,839
It's all right, but it wouldn't
sell on QVC. That's bollocks.
467
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,039
That, right, would sell
way better than your nose.
468
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,559
Don't think so. Hey.
Look. Look. Look at that.
469
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,800
Handsome bastard.
As if! Feel it.
470
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,000
Unbelievable that.
Not that incredible.
471
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,599
Oh, flat's looking good.
472
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,160
Mm-hm. Thank you. Yeah.
473
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,159
Yeah. Bit mad. You know,
like living in a disco ball.
474
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,399
But it's... it's very,
very you, in't it?
475
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,720
Yeah, it is very me.
476
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,039
Having said that, it might
not be for much longer.
477
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,800
My mum's section's been lifted.
478
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,640
She's nowhere to go, so she
might be moving in with me.
479
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,599
Alma, no.
480
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,679
Fuck that. Why?
481
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,959
You can't do that.
It'll fuck your life up.
482
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,879
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You'll end up a full-time carer.
483
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,079
Yeah, but... Right, and she's going
to have all her dodgy mates round
484
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,159
all the time, like that
woman who nicks spoons.
485
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,079
She'll be round, robbing
the cutlery drawer.
486
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,199
And the alcoholic who
pretends to be a priest,
487
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,519
he'll be round to ear-fuck
the shit out of you.
488
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,799
You're too soft.
489
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,439
You were too soft wi' me but at
least my mates only did coke.
490
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:48,919
No offence, right,
491
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:52,120
but your mum, she needs to be
with someone who takes no shit.
492
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,800
What about your grandma?
She's a dragon of a woman.
493
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,119
Might be an option. Mm.
494
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,599
Absolutely no way.
495
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,359
Well, I think you'd
benefit from the company.
496
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,680
You said you wanted a pet.
497
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,679
I want a Cocker Spaniel, Alma.
498
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,839
Why can't she just
get another flat?
499
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,079
It's not that easy any more.
500
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,679
Anyway, they won't let her live
on her own without supervision.
501
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,759
Well, that's what the
district nurses are for.
502
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,319
That's been cut. Oh, I see.
503
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,759
So... the Government have given up,
so she's back to being my problem?
504
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,839
Well, she's not a
problem any more, is she?
505
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,359
She's really straightened out.
506
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,919
She's even got her bennies sorted,
so she won't nick your fags.
507
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,599
Oh, great. So I pay my taxes so
your mum and Jim can laze about.
508
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,199
Jim's not lazing about, is he?
He's got eight personalities.
509
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,879
He's knackered. Well, then
why don't you take her, Alma,
510
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,759
if she's such a fucking
ray of sunshine?
511
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,959
You said recently
that you were bored
512
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,439
and you wanted something to do.
513
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:52,239
I meant something like... jewellery
making or learning to canoe.
514
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,719
Canoe? Not taking in a toothless,
drug-addicted arsonist.
515
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,239
Well... what else
can we do, Grandma?
516
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,960
There's absolutely no
options. It's me or you.
517
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,359
I know that's shit
and I am sorry,
518
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,959
but I do genuinely think
that my mum is doing great
519
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,279
and she deserves
a second chance.
520
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,959
I'm sorry to ask, but
you know my flat is tiny.
521
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,559
My house in't much bigger.
522
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,200
It's all right here, in't it?
523
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,239
Big enough for you two.
She's only small, Mum.
524
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,680
Yeah, so was Napoleon.
525
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,479
Oh, I see the whole
motley crew are here.
526
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,919
Delightful.
527
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,240
Piss off, Sandra. Hello.
528
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,559
What are they? Oh, no.
You can't bring them in.
529
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,360
Look, me paintings are
non-negotiable, Mum.
530
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:53,799
Hello.
531
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:54,999
What's he doing here?
532
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,679
Well, I forgot to say. I
told him he could come too.
533
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,639
What are you talking about? No.
That wasn't part of the plan.
534
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,639
He hates his hostel and he
likes the idea of being at yours
535
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,040
with his own kettle.
536
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:08,959
Brought me own.
537
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,439
Mum, you should've asked. You
won't even know he's here.
538
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,119
You hardly speak, do you, Jim?
539
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,480
Not really, no.
540
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,200
OK.
541
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,119
Fine.
542
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,639
But let's just get a few things
straight before you come in.
543
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,359
Right? I'm telling you now,
544
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:30,519
I won't be taking any of
the usual shit off anyone.
545
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,519
You fuck up, Lin,
and you're out.
546
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,039
Right? I will not be
harassed by police,
547
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,519
I will not be interrogated
and analysed by social workers
548
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,879
and I will not be held
responsible for your actions.
549
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,999
Understood? Fine.
550
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,319
And I want me own space.
551
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,959
I don't want to have to look at
your scaley-dragon-face before noon,
552
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,400
is that OK?
553
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,120
I just want me kettle.
554
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,040
Right. Come in.
40549
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