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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:04,046
No, I think your retainer is sexy.
2
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:08,884
I do. You just gotta remember to clean it
after lunch.
3
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:11,511
Hey, Jake,
how about you and me going out...?
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,347
Okay, now I have a question for you.
5
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,974
If I needed a lung
and your dad needed a lung...
6
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:18,227
...who would you give your lung to?
7
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,855
Well, now see,
I wouldn't have to think about it.
8
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:25,400
Jake, I'm talking to you.
Don't give me the hand.
9
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,861
Hang on. I'm talking to a girl.
10
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:31,073
Sorry. Oh, no, that was nobody.
11
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,411
That's it. Time to get a new kid.
12
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,789
Hey, Alan,
you wanna catch a movie tonight?
13
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,333
Can't. I am taking a lady
to the Hollywood Bowl...
14
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:45,045
...for a romantic evening under the stars
with Michael Bubl�...
15
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,339
...and three runners-up
from American Idol.
16
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,426
What's in the bag, a noose?
17
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:55,514
No, it's a picnic basket.
Fried chicken, bottle of merlot...
18
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:58,392
...and my autograph hound
in case I get lucky.
19
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:03,897
- Why don't you take Jake to the movies?
- No, I don't like him anymore.
20
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,817
Okay, then why don't you take
one of your many...?
21
00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,361
Oh, let's call them girlfriends.
22
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,071
Yeah, I could...
23
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,615
...but, after the movie,
I bring them back here...
24
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,909
...after I get them here,
I get them upstairs.
25
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,496
After I get them upstairs,
I gotta get them to go home.
26
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,874
It just doesn't seem
worth the effort anymore.
27
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:26,294
It's possible you might enjoy your dates
if you went out with women...
28
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:30,799
...who are capable of using their head
other than a place to rest their ankles.
29
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:38,140
What are you saying?
30
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:40,851
Too subtle?
31
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:44,271
I'm saying you might have a better time
if you were seeing someone...
32
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,650
...who had a fully formed personality
or was even remotely age-appropriate.
33
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,737
- Define "age appropriate."
- Forty.
34
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,488
Are you out of your mind?
35
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,825
Come on, Charlie.
The woman I'm seeing now is 39.
36
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,828
We have a wonderful time
because we have so much in common.
37
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,913
We can talk, we can share,
we can laugh.
38
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:07,169
Talking, sharing and laughing is fine
but what about her ears?
39
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,506
- What about them?
- Ears never stop growing, Alan.
40
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:15,010
And I like a nice, taut lobe.
41
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:18,013
This conversation is over.
42
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,306
I will see you later.
43
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,683
Why do you think old ladies
wear big earrings?
44
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,604
To make their ears look smaller.
45
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:29,524
Like I'm the only one who's noticed.
46
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,446
I'd like to make a toast to my wife.
47
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:37,616
Darling, you've given me
the happiest 20 years of my life.
48
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,994
Why? Was she in a coma?
49
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:44,706
I can 't imagine living without you.
You complete me.
50
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:48,543
Bet she's got a set of ears on her.
51
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,755
Oh, yeah.
52
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:55,425
You could swat flies with those things.
53
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,943
Hey, pal.
54
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,695
It's just you and me tonight, huh?
55
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:18,990
Yeah, I know how you feel.
56
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,201
There's a lot of fish in the sea...
57
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:24,371
...but after you catch them
and eat them, then what?
58
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,751
Damn straight. It's not worth the hassle.
59
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:34,756
My mistake.
Didn't know you had a date.
60
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,636
If you two don't have plans, why don't
you fly to the Hollywood Bowl...
61
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,347
...and take a crap on my brother?
62
00:03:49,621 --> 00:03:53,542
Really? I dreamt about you too.
What was your dream?
63
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,295
We were on a train in a tunnel?
64
00:03:57,129 --> 00:03:59,256
Sounds kind of boring.
65
00:04:00,424 --> 00:04:02,009
It means what?
66
00:04:03,719 --> 00:04:06,096
Oh, hey, you're up early.
67
00:04:06,263 --> 00:04:08,223
No way.
68
00:04:08,390 --> 00:04:12,144
I am not just getting home.
I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk.
69
00:04:12,644 --> 00:04:15,606
Dad, a little privacy, please?
70
00:04:15,772 --> 00:04:18,609
Okay, I just didn't want you to get
the wrong idea.
71
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:22,988
I'm confused. If I'm in the train,
how can I be the train?
72
00:04:28,619 --> 00:04:30,495
At least he's not the tunnel.
73
00:04:33,123 --> 00:04:34,666
Hi.
74
00:04:35,292 --> 00:04:37,294
I'm just getting in.
75
00:04:39,129 --> 00:04:40,464
Yeah, I can see that.
76
00:04:40,631 --> 00:04:42,799
Didn't get much sleep last night.
77
00:04:45,135 --> 00:04:49,014
- And yet I feel totally rested.
- Good for you.
78
00:04:49,973 --> 00:04:54,186
I mean, rested but spent.
79
00:04:55,187 --> 00:04:56,563
Gotcha.
80
00:04:56,730 --> 00:05:01,151
I mean, not so much spent
as happily depleted.
81
00:05:02,194 --> 00:05:05,238
- Joyously bereft of...
- I get it. You got laid.
82
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:11,203
And Michael Bubl�'s autograph.
83
00:05:14,998 --> 00:05:16,958
Congratulations.
84
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:20,295
So how was your evening?
85
00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:33,850
You know, I talked to Donna about you.
86
00:05:34,643 --> 00:05:36,645
- Donna?
- The woman I was with last night.
87
00:05:36,812 --> 00:05:40,899
Oh, yeah, yeah. You talk, you share,
you laugh. Kiss my ass.
88
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:44,778
Anyway, turns out she has a friend
who's newly single.
89
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,864
- And I suggested...
- A blind date?
90
00:05:48,031 --> 00:05:51,243
Forget it. Charlie Harper does not go
on blind dates.
91
00:05:51,701 --> 00:05:53,912
- He doesn't?
- No, he doesn't.
92
00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,709
Can't we ask him?
93
00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:03,380
Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
94
00:06:04,381 --> 00:06:07,175
Okay, but does he have to say it
in the third person?
95
00:06:08,051 --> 00:06:11,096
Look, I don't need anybody to get me
dates. I can get my own dates.
96
00:06:11,263 --> 00:06:14,808
But you were complaining that the
women you go out with don't fulfill you.
97
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,769
Donna's friend is beautiful.
She's accomplished, she's smart.
98
00:06:17,936 --> 00:06:20,856
- How old is she?
- I think around 40.
99
00:06:21,022 --> 00:06:23,108
Hello.
100
00:06:26,862 --> 00:06:31,074
- Still with the ears?
- It's not just ears.
101
00:06:31,241 --> 00:06:33,535
Women that age have a lot of baggage.
102
00:06:33,702 --> 00:06:36,371
Right. And you've just got a carryon.
103
00:06:41,418 --> 00:06:43,753
Think about this.
What if I meet this woman?
104
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,590
I like her, she likes me,
we get married and settle down?
105
00:06:47,549 --> 00:06:51,219
We're both 40 now.
In 20 years, I'm gonna be 60.
106
00:06:51,386 --> 00:06:53,138
And do you know how old
she's gonna be?
107
00:06:55,599 --> 00:06:58,393
- Sixty?
- I rest my case.
108
00:07:04,983 --> 00:07:07,694
- That was nice, huh?
- I guess.
109
00:07:08,945 --> 00:07:11,948
My ear's still a little soggy.
110
00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:13,825
Sorry.
111
00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:18,163
So, Deedee, is that short for anything?
112
00:07:18,663 --> 00:07:21,541
- Like what?
- I don't know.
113
00:07:24,628 --> 00:07:26,338
No, it's just a nickname.
114
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,134
- What's your real name?
- Sissy.
115
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:33,511
Sissy, huh?
116
00:07:33,678 --> 00:07:36,473
I guess that means
you throw a ball like a girl.
117
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,058
I am a girl.
118
00:07:40,268 --> 00:07:41,895
Right.
119
00:07:42,729 --> 00:07:46,816
- Is Charlie short for anything?
- Charles.
120
00:07:47,942 --> 00:07:49,861
That's not really shorter, is it?
121
00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:55,492
Excuse me.
122
00:07:56,451 --> 00:07:59,996
Why? Did you fart?
123
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,960
No, you hang up first.
124
00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:07,629
Okay, on three.
125
00:08:07,796 --> 00:08:10,465
One, two, three.
126
00:08:10,632 --> 00:08:14,094
You didn't hang up, did you?
Me neither.
127
00:08:18,390 --> 00:08:20,642
Okay, set it up.
128
00:08:21,017 --> 00:08:22,519
What?
129
00:08:23,353 --> 00:08:25,980
The blind date with the old chick. I'm in.
130
00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:30,985
What?
131
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:38,743
- Alan, let's go.
- Relax, we've got plenty of time.
132
00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:41,162
I just don't wanna be late.
133
00:08:41,329 --> 00:08:43,706
I can't believe it.
You're nervous about a date.
134
00:08:43,873 --> 00:08:47,460
Of course I'm nervous.
What am I gonna talk to her about?
135
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:50,588
I haven't gone out with
a 40-year-old woman since high school.
136
00:08:54,217 --> 00:08:57,345
Charlie, that's the great thing about
seeing someone your own age.
137
00:08:57,512 --> 00:08:59,347
There's always something to talk about.
138
00:08:59,514 --> 00:09:01,891
What you've been through,
she's been through.
139
00:09:02,392 --> 00:09:05,019
Oh, I hardly think so.
140
00:09:05,186 --> 00:09:07,647
All right, point taken.
But she's a fascinating woman.
141
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:11,317
She's a municipal court judge,
she teaches law at UCLA.
142
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,111
Oh, man, you didn't tell me that.
143
00:09:13,278 --> 00:09:15,405
- Does that make a difference?
- Big difference.
144
00:09:15,572 --> 00:09:19,284
The smarter the girl, the harder it is
to blow smoke up her ass.
145
00:09:25,373 --> 00:09:27,167
You know, I'm already regretting this.
146
00:09:27,584 --> 00:09:29,627
And for good reason.
Let's just call it off.
147
00:09:29,794 --> 00:09:31,421
No, no, no, it's too late for that.
148
00:09:31,588 --> 00:09:34,674
Just relax and, I don't know,
be yourself.
149
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:38,136
And by "yourself,"
I mean someone else entirely.
150
00:09:38,303 --> 00:09:39,429
Anything else?
151
00:09:39,596 --> 00:09:42,265
Well, as long we've opened
this particular can of worms...
152
00:09:42,432 --> 00:09:45,185
...you might wanna rethink
the bowling shirt.
153
00:09:47,270 --> 00:09:48,646
- Why?
- Well, as I said...
154
00:09:48,813 --> 00:09:50,565
...she's a judge and a law professor.
155
00:09:50,732 --> 00:09:53,860
And, let's be honest, you don't bowl.
156
00:09:55,278 --> 00:09:56,613
All right, I'll go change.
157
00:09:56,779 --> 00:09:58,656
- And Charlie?
- Yeah?
158
00:09:58,823 --> 00:10:01,659
While you're at it, why don't we go
for the big-boy pants.
159
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,414
Fine.
160
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:12,629
- Oh, there they are.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.
161
00:10:13,004 --> 00:10:14,213
Which one's mine?
162
00:10:15,423 --> 00:10:18,676
- The one on the right.
- Wow, she's 40?
163
00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:22,138
She has the ears of a 20-year-old.
164
00:10:24,349 --> 00:10:25,892
Come on.
165
00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:28,561
You think she had them done?
166
00:10:30,188 --> 00:10:32,857
Sorry we're late.
Charlie couldn't decide what to wear.
167
00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:35,193
Oh, I think he looks very nice.
168
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,028
- Thank you.
- Charlie, this is Donna.
169
00:10:37,195 --> 00:10:38,821
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.
170
00:10:38,988 --> 00:10:40,198
This is my friend, Linda.
171
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,450
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
172
00:10:42,617 --> 00:10:45,828
- I've heard a lot about you.
- And I've heard a lot about you too.
173
00:10:46,329 --> 00:10:48,998
And, I gotta say,
I am pleasantly surprised.
174
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,793
Really? How so?
175
00:10:52,335 --> 00:10:56,172
Well, Alan tells me
you're a judge and a professor...
176
00:10:56,339 --> 00:11:00,510
...and, quite frankly,
I wasn't expecting someone so...
177
00:11:01,219 --> 00:11:03,388
So, what, Charlie?
178
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:06,891
Yummy.
179
00:11:14,649 --> 00:11:16,567
That was wrong, wasn't it?
180
00:11:18,069 --> 00:11:19,821
Yes, that was wrong.
181
00:11:20,571 --> 00:11:24,242
What I meant was,
I was expecting you to be...
182
00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:27,286
...more, you know, dry.
183
00:11:28,538 --> 00:11:32,083
But you're not.
You're actually kind of moist.
184
00:11:37,213 --> 00:11:39,048
Oh, good Lord.
185
00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:44,554
You know what? You know what?
I think I'd like to start over.
186
00:11:44,721 --> 00:11:47,598
- Hi, I'm Charlie.
- Linda.
187
00:11:47,765 --> 00:11:49,100
Hi, Linda.
188
00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:51,936
I gotta tell you,
I have never met a judge before.
189
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:53,813
You know, voluntarily.
190
00:12:02,947 --> 00:12:06,701
- Better?
- Anything's better than "moist."
191
00:12:11,956 --> 00:12:13,791
So how do you and Donna
know each other?
192
00:12:13,958 --> 00:12:15,877
Oh, well, we met in the church choir.
193
00:12:16,043 --> 00:12:18,129
We found our kids
were in the same preschool.
194
00:12:18,296 --> 00:12:21,549
Next thing, we're on the carnival
committee, doing the bake sale.
195
00:12:21,716 --> 00:12:24,510
Which reminds me, I'm supposed to be
snack mom next Tuesday.
196
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,053
- Can you switch?
- No problem.
197
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:27,972
Thanks.
198
00:12:33,478 --> 00:12:35,271
I got nothing.
199
00:12:36,981 --> 00:12:38,858
Hey, hey. Why don't we order
some drinks?
200
00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:41,027
- Just iced tea for me.
- Me too.
201
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:44,488
- Charlie, you want iced tea?
- Why on Earth would I want iced tea?
202
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,452
Because you don't drink alcohol
during the daytime.
203
00:12:50,286 --> 00:12:53,706
Oh, right, of course not.
204
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,374
Iced tea, rocks, water back.
205
00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:59,795
- Excuse me, miss?
- Yes, can I help...? Charlie?
206
00:13:01,422 --> 00:13:03,799
Oh, hey. Hi.
207
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:07,511
- How come you never called me?
- Well...
208
00:13:11,015 --> 00:13:13,392
Funny story. Long story.
209
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:14,810
Tell you later.
210
00:13:14,977 --> 00:13:18,231
- Can we get four iced teas, please?
- I'll be right back.
211
00:13:24,946 --> 00:13:29,659
- Old friend?
- Yeah, you know, church choir, bake sale.
212
00:13:32,161 --> 00:13:34,705
You may not wanna drink the iced tea.
213
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:43,255
You know, Alan, I gotta hand it to you,
Linda is really something.
214
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,299
Yeah, yeah. She's terrific.
215
00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:48,344
- But let me ask you something.
- Sure.
216
00:13:48,511 --> 00:13:52,598
What in God's name possessed you
to talk about pornography?
217
00:13:54,392 --> 00:13:57,228
- Hey, she started it.
- She wasn't talking about pornography.
218
00:13:57,395 --> 00:14:00,856
She was talking about constitutional law
and the First Amendment.
219
00:14:01,023 --> 00:14:04,944
- Which includes pornography.
- Yes, it does.
220
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:08,823
But it does not include
your favorite actresses, top 10 DVDs...
221
00:14:08,990 --> 00:14:11,200
...or your beefs
about the bonus features.
222
00:14:12,201 --> 00:14:14,662
I just pointed out that the bloopers,
though funny...
223
00:14:14,829 --> 00:14:16,539
...are really more of a turnoff.
224
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,878
Hello? Yeah, yeah. Hi, Donna.
225
00:14:23,045 --> 00:14:26,298
Charlie and I were just talking
about what a nice time we had.
226
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,676
Okay, I'm sorry.
227
00:14:29,927 --> 00:14:31,220
I'm sorry.
228
00:14:32,430 --> 00:14:34,056
Ask her if Linda likes me.
229
00:14:34,223 --> 00:14:36,392
Hang on. You're kidding, right?
230
00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:38,561
Come on, chicks talk to each other.
231
00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:43,357
Donna, would you please tell my brother
what you just told me?
232
00:14:43,524 --> 00:14:44,775
Here.
233
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,903
Hey, Donna. Talk to me.
234
00:14:51,073 --> 00:14:55,161
I see. Okay, well,
thanks for the heads up.
235
00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:57,121
Linda didn't like me.
236
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,540
Go figure.
237
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,836
I told her not to drink the iced tea.
238
00:15:08,132 --> 00:15:11,177
That's what I heard.
Danny Sholander likes Jennifer Denapoli.
239
00:15:11,802 --> 00:15:13,179
Hi.
240
00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:18,476
Really? He's gay?
241
00:15:18,642 --> 00:15:20,561
Does he know that?
242
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,356
You gotta get me another crack at her.
243
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,984
- What?
- I need to see her again.
244
00:15:27,151 --> 00:15:29,987
- See who?
- Linda. I can't let it end this way.
245
00:15:30,154 --> 00:15:33,866
- Let what end? It was a lunch.
- No, no, no. It was more than a lunch.
246
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:38,287
It was a test. Is Charlie Harper capable
of stepping up to quality women?
247
00:15:38,454 --> 00:15:40,956
Oh, God, we're back to third person.
248
00:15:41,373 --> 00:15:44,710
Alan, I am tired of having
meaningless sex with hot pinheads.
249
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,213
What a coincidence.
I'm tired of hearing about it.
250
00:15:48,464 --> 00:15:51,133
Linda's smart, Linda's sophisticated,
Linda's successful.
251
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,845
- Linda doesn't like you.
- She will. I can make her.
252
00:15:55,012 --> 00:15:58,140
You just need to tell Donna to tell Linda
to give me another chance.
253
00:15:58,307 --> 00:16:00,935
Fine, I'll pass her a note
during study hall.
254
00:16:01,101 --> 00:16:04,146
Hey, hey, hey,
don't belittle my feelings.
255
00:16:04,313 --> 00:16:06,899
I'm in a very sensitive place
and I will kick your ass.
256
00:16:07,983 --> 00:16:11,862
Look. Come on, Charlie. So you
struck out with a woman. It happens.
257
00:16:12,029 --> 00:16:14,198
Believe me, it happens.
258
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:18,827
When it does, the best thing to do
is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off...
259
00:16:18,994 --> 00:16:22,206
...and curse God for making you
the way you are.
260
00:16:22,706 --> 00:16:27,378
All right, forget it. I don't need you.
I'll call her myself.
261
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:35,928
Sorry about the "curse God" stuff...
262
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:38,931
...but we both know
I'm not your best work.
263
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:46,438
Yeah, hi, can I speak
to Judge Linda Harris please?
264
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,315
Charlie Harper.
265
00:16:48,857 --> 00:16:51,318
Yes, again.
266
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,363
All right, fine,
put me through to voice mail.
267
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:57,825
Banging a judge won't get you out
of jury duty. Believe me, I've tried.
268
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:01,453
No, no, no. Quiet.
269
00:17:02,079 --> 00:17:04,581
Yeah, hi, Linda. It's Charlie again.
270
00:17:04,748 --> 00:17:07,418
I just want you to know
that this will be my last message.
271
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:11,588
I figure three's a charm,
four is a restraining order.
272
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:14,258
Look who I'm telling.
273
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,886
Anyway, I know we didn't get off
on the right foot.
274
00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:22,141
I'm not used to spending time with
such a remarkable, accomplished woman.
275
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:24,101
Keep shoveling.
276
00:17:27,479 --> 00:17:31,442
And it's true. I've lived
a certain kind of life up until now.
277
00:17:31,608 --> 00:17:35,654
I'm not saying that I'm proud of it,
but I'm not ashamed of it either.
278
00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:38,615
Why else would you have videotaped
most of it?
279
00:17:40,868 --> 00:17:42,953
I'm begging you.
280
00:17:44,747 --> 00:17:48,167
So if you wanna call me back,
call me back.
281
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,587
If not, well, have a nice life.
282
00:17:51,754 --> 00:17:55,674
But it would be a nicer life
if you called me.
283
00:17:57,176 --> 00:18:01,180
Wow, I never thought
I'd see Charlie Harper on his knees.
284
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:02,514
You know, figuratively.
285
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,688
Can we please talk about me
in the first person?
286
00:18:10,272 --> 00:18:12,149
What's this broad got that's so special?
287
00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:16,028
- A brain.
- What are you gonna do with a brain?
288
00:18:17,321 --> 00:18:19,198
It doesn't matter. She'll never call me.
289
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:21,450
Oh, don't talk like that.
290
00:18:21,617 --> 00:18:23,869
Because she's smart and successful
doesn't mean...
291
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,914
...she's not damaged enough
to go out with you.
292
00:18:28,749 --> 00:18:30,542
Thanks, Berta. That means a lot.
293
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,135
Hello?
294
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:43,180
No, Jake's not here.
Try him at his mom's house.
295
00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:49,811
- Where you going?
- I don't know.
296
00:18:49,978 --> 00:18:53,565
Someplace where the bottles are full
and the women are empty.
297
00:18:54,191 --> 00:18:57,778
And skies are not cloudy all day
298
00:19:01,031 --> 00:19:04,743
Fifty-dollar fine, time served.
Call the next case.
299
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:07,829
Case number 1217-07.
300
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:11,833
Charles Harper, charged with drunk
and disorderly, resisting arrest.
301
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:14,169
Charlie?
302
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,881
Oh, hey.
303
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:19,883
Small world, huh?
304
00:19:21,593 --> 00:19:23,262
Approach the bench, please.
305
00:19:24,346 --> 00:19:26,682
Excuse me. I think this is personal.
306
00:19:30,644 --> 00:19:34,439
Please tell me you did not get yourself
arrested just so you could see me.
307
00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:40,904
You got me.
308
00:19:41,071 --> 00:19:43,532
Charlie, what am I going to do with you?
309
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:49,538
Have dinner with me. Otherwise,
we're looking at a crime spree here.
310
00:19:51,039 --> 00:19:53,583
All right, one dinner.
311
00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:55,711
- Now step back.
- Yes, ma'am.
312
00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:00,048
- How do you plead?
- Guilty, Your Honor.
313
00:20:00,215 --> 00:20:01,717
- Is this a first offense?
- Yes.
314
00:20:01,883 --> 00:20:04,970
- All right, $500 fine.
- Five hundred dollars? Last time...
315
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,389
- Last time?
- Thank you, Your Honor.
316
00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:12,227
- Next case.
- Case number 1217-08.
317
00:20:12,394 --> 00:20:16,732
- Heidi Jones, charged with solicitation.
- Hey, Charlie.
318
00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:28,102
- Thanks for picking me up, Alan.
- Where's your car?
319
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:32,732
- Good question.
- Oh, Charlie...
320
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:37,153
Yeah, we just got my uncle out of jail.
It was cool. I saw a real pimp.
321
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:41,616
- Well, I hope you learned a lesson here.
- I sure did.
322
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:44,661
- What was that lesson?
- Lf a woman won't return your calls...
323
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:48,373
...get drunk, get arrested,
then lie through your teeth.
324
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,291
That's it? That's what you learned?
325
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:55,880
Well, also, if your cellmate wants your
bologna sandwich, just give it to him.
326
00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:59,801
Okay, I'll be your pimp
if you'll be my beyotch.
327
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,513
- Jake, that's enough with the phone.
- Nobody. What were you saying?
328
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,016
Hey.
329
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,186
I'd have kept the phone
and tossed the kid.
26095
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