All language subtitles for Shared Rooms (2016) [eng]

They say that gay men
choose their own families.

And that's never more evident
than during the holidays.

Boyfriends and, increasingly
these days, husbands,

create their own families and
their own holiday traditions.

Lesbians do, too,
but this isn't their movie.

Some men find themselves alone,
by their own choice,

or by the choice of others.

Family isn't always
there for you.

And sometimes
that's a good thing.

But hopefully,
your friends are there,

whether it's a random Tuesday
when you just want a drink,

a bad day when you
need a shoulder to cry on,

or a day like today:

December 25th.

During the holidays, our friends
truly become our family.

But sometimes, families change.

# I'll sing my version
of "Noel" #

# Just like the angels sang #

# But this time around... #

# I won't stop loving who I am #

# I'll sing my version
of "Silent Night" #

# Just like a mother
to her child #

# Yes, I've heard
that love is enough #

# So I will be grateful
for this Christmas #

# Try to stop me #

# From being happy
on Christmas #

# Try to stop me #

# From having
the time of my life #

# Try to stop me #

# Oh, try to stop me now #

# Try to stop me #

# From being happy
on Christmas #

Laslo, did you tell them?

Not yet.

Tell us what, Cal?

- Is there gossip?
- There is.

About you two?

You're finally
getting that houseboy

you've always dreamed of.

Not for another five...

Ahem.

Ten years.

It's about Joe and Bobby.

Joe and Bobby with a Y, the guys
we went to Greece with,

or Jo, no E, and Bobbi
with an I,

the lesbians who
fixed our bathroom?

Greece.

- Ah.
- Ah.

- Well...
- I thought I got to tell them.

Fine. Go ahead.

You know how they missed our

"12 Gays of Christmas"
gift exchange soiree?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Turns out they weren't
sick with food poisoning.

- No?
- No?

No. They were in Florida.

Why?

- They were adopting.
- They were adopting.

Oh.

A baby.

Right.

I thought I got to tell them.

But you paused like you
wanted me to tell them.

Why would I want you to
tell them when I had just said

that I wanted to tell them?

Doesn't matter.
The news is out.

Isn't that crazy?

One more couple to
cross off our social list.

And when the gays get a baby...

They become obsessed
with fatherhood.

The best strollers.

The birthday parties.

The constant posting of photos.

They go from gay dates
to play dates.

But we still have you two.

You're our last
childless friends.

Thank Goddess.

Blake. Ivan.
What was that look?

What look?

That look you just
gave each other.

Well...

- We're pregnant!
- We're pregnant!

Dessert?

Not yet. But I will have more
of that delicious Chardonnay.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I'm so glad I could
spend the holidays here.

Me, too.
The timing worked out perfectly.

I gotta tell ya,
this place is great.

Even better than
the pictures you sent me.

I'm glad you could
finally see it in person.

Any excuse to get out of

the East Coast polar vortex
for a while.

But I'll be spending
most of my time out and about.

I'm looking for something
while I'm here.

Anything I can help with?

I'll let you know.

- Excuse me for a second?
- Of course.

Dylan! Roomie!

How was your flight?

Fine.

They rented me
this cute little house

on LGBTQBnB.com.

Oh, yeah.
I've heard of that site.

And just checking in,
as requested.

Thank you.

I can't believe you have
to work over Christmas.

That's positively
atheistic of you.

- Blame my client.
- I blame him completely.

I blame him for your
total lack of sex appeal.

I blame him for your tiny penis.

I blame him for Donald Trump.

Well, that escalated quickly.

And when exactly did you
see my enormous penis?

Um, every day when I'm home.

You always walk
around the house naked.

Oh, yeah. That.

You're welcome.

And to obviously
change the subject,

I was looking at my calendar
on the plane ride here -

and guess what!

You realized you forgot to
get me a birthday present?

No...

Wait, did I?

I'm gonna say yes.

No, I got you that blue shirt.

It's not just blue,

it's not turquoise...

Stop. Don't do the speech.

It's actually cerulean.

I'm gonna stop you right there

and get back to
my original point.

I calculated that I traveled
a total of 36 weeks this year.

That's 69 percent of the year.

How'd you do that?

Math is easy.

Says the accountant.

So the accountant says
to the world traveler,

"You're the best roommate ever.

"Your rent check never bounces,
and you're never here."

Ah, come on.
You know you miss me.

Of course.

It's horribly lonely
when you're gone.

Horribly.

How long �til you're back?

A week.

I'm gonna be gone
for New Year's Eve.

We'll celebrate twice as hard
when you get back.

Dylan, I gotta go.

Oh, uh... Merry Christmas!

Happy pagan celebration, roomie.

Roomie.

Hello?

Hello?

Sid?

Gary?

Gray.

Huh?

My name. It's Gray, actually.
Not Gary.

Oh. Sorry.

Happens all the time.

So Gray...

Like the color?

It's a family name.

I like it.

I like you.

You look even better than
your Manhandler profile pics.

Manhandler.

The latest, greatest app

for meeting guys
that are close to you.

I'm glad you were close to me.

I'm closer now.

Ho...

Ho....

Ho!

Merry Christmas, guys!

We're so happy for you.

So happy.

Just a bit stunned.

Just a little bit.

We've been working
on this for so long.

But we couldn't say anything.

And now, our surrogate's
due date is almost here,

so it's official!

We'll still see you guys
all the time.

We won't turn into those people.

Slap us if we
turn into those people!

Kisses, Cal.

Kisses, Laslo.

Drive safely.

- Happy Holidays!
- Happy Holidays!

They're gonna make that baby
call Ivan "Mommy," aren't they?

Oh, yeah.

Did you see...?

I did see that.

It's my favorite
Christmas movie.

I don't know about you,
but I think it's time for bed.

Actually, a shower sounds good.

I've been traveling all day.

Right through there.

Clean towels are on the left.

You think of everything.

That's my job.

I really must fix that lock.

Is there something
wrong with us?

So many things.

I'm being serious.

Is there something wrong with us

that we're not rushing out
to get a little Korean baby?

Didn't they sell out of
Korean babies last year?

Cal.

But you hate kids.

Especially babies.

Filthy creatures.

"Filthy creatures"? Really?

They're always
sitting in their own waste.

Spitting up on
anyone within reach.

Crying when they
don't get their bottles.

Sounds like a lot
of our friends.

So you really don't want a kid?

Not in the slightest.

But we could keep trying
the old-fashioned way.

Oh!

Just in case
there's a medical miracle.

That was more intense than
a David Foster Wallace novel.

You're a DFW fan?

I am.

That's infinitely impressive.

Surely, you jest.

My, we're clever.

Just well read.

We should start a book club.

Only if we can be naked
at the meetings.

Of course.

I carried that book
around with me for a year.

All 25 pounds of it.

It's not literally 25 pounds.

When you carry it for
a year, it feels like it.

I read every chapter...

every footnote...

and every endnote...

and I can't begin to tell you
what it was about.

I still love it.

You don't have to
understand something to love it.

That's always been
my experience.

Hmmm.

I'd love to see the footnote
on that statement.

Do you have to get that?

I've been getting a lot of calls
from a number I don't recognize,

and they never leave a message.

Maybe it's a wrong number.

Which you think
they'd figure out after a while.

So why did you put up
a Christmas tree

just for yourself?

Tradition.

I've always found that
traditions are overrated.

I think you should do
what you want, when you want.

Like hooking up with
a stranger on Christmas?

It's just another day in
the grand scheme of things.

And you did the same thing.

Maybe it's my tradition.

No one to celebrate with?

Most of my family is in Canada,

I'm single and I hate
being pitied on the holidays,

so rather spend it alone.

Oh, there's nothing's worse than
being put at the singles table

at a well-meaning friend's
Christmas dinner.

Agreed.

So I cooked myself the
world's smallest turkey...

You did not.
That's from that song.

So sue me for plagiarism.

Then I took care of some stuff
this afternoon,

and then I found you.

I didn't know I was lost.

Most lost people don't.

I guess tradition would
call for me to go home now.

But you don't
believe in tradition.

No, I don't.

Then stay.

Okay.

What's on your agenda
for Boxing Day?

Rewriting the party scene
from act one.

Why? I liked that scene.

According to the producers,

it's too expensive to shoot
on their budget.

Just because it's set in
Times Square during Christmas?

Yep.

Isn't the movie called
"Christmas In Times Square"?

So you'd think they could
afford to shoot in Times Square

at Christmas.

But no.

Shocking.

Oh, don't forget, we have to
order Chinese food for lunch.

Of course.
It's a tradition.

Then I thought I'd give
my husband a massage.

Ooh, I like that idea.

The glamorous life of
the stay-at-home husband.

And I have to
take out the trash.

And suddenly, not so glamorous.

Are you taking pictures of me?

I couldn't help myself.

It's what I do.

Take pictures of me?

How stalker-y.

Take pictures.

And paint.

That yours?

- It is.
- It's good.

So those are your paintings
in the living room?

They are.

You're talented.

I try.

I read that a lot
of photographers

hide behind their cameras
in order to avoid

getting involved
with their subjects.

Where did you read that?

The interwebs.

Then it must be true.

You tell me.

I'd like to think of
a photograph as a dialogue,

a conversation between
photographer and subject.

Besides, a photograph can never
be solely about the subject

because it's seen from
the photographer's viewpoint.

And by observing,
you change the subject.

Depends if we're
talking about the

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

or merely the Observer Effect.

I was talking art,
not quantum physics.

Yes, it's much too early
to talk quantum physics.

Too early in the morning,

or too early
in our relationship?

It's too early, full stop.

Photograph me like one
of your French girls.

That was wonderful.

Thank you, kind sir.

I didn't realize breakfast
was part of the deal.

More like brunch.
And all you have to do is ask.

Good to know.

I think I'll change
and head out for a while.

My search begins.

As I said,
make yourself at home.

I need to take a shower myself.

Clean towels are on your left.

Cute...

So fucking cute.

Honey, I'm home!

Oh, you would not believe it.

The shoot got cancelled
last night.

So I hopped on
the first plane back,

and I'm homo for the
rest of the holidays.

Julian?

Roomie?

Who are you?

I'm Frank. Who are you?

I'm Dylan.

I live here.

Oh!
Are you Julian's boyfriend?

No, I'm his roommate.

Dylan?
What are you doing here?

Me? What is he doing here?

Frank Turner. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Can I talk to you
in the hallway?

Who is that,
and why is he in my room?

Funny story.

Ha ha. Make me laugh.

Well, you know how
you've been traveling so much?

Thirty-six weeks.

Right. Sixty-nine percent.

What about it?

It's just, I was here
all alone and so...

Clearly not!

No. But I was.

And so...

I've been renting out your room.

Renting out my room?

On LGBTQBnB.com.

Complete strangers have
been staying in my room?

You call them strangers.
I call them customers.

Is everything all right?

Fine.

Right, then.

Strangers.

I always change the sheets.

I hadn't even
thought of that yet!

Oh.

Is that why you bought me
that new TV for my birthday?

The guests love that TV.

And that alarm clock?

They need to know the time.

Is that why my supply of
condoms is always running low?

You wouldn't want our guests
to have unsafe sex, would you?

Big picture, we can
deal with this later.

Small picture, how long
is this guy...

Frank.

How long is Frank gonna be here?

Well, you were supposed
to be gone all week, so...

He's staying all week?

Prepaid.
I can't kick him out.

Where am I supposed to sleep?
It's not like we have a couch,

thanks to your "chairs only"
design scheme.

Hey, that is totally on trend.

Not the point.

Do we have an air mattress?

Don't think so.

Sleeping bag?

Do I look like
I'd own a sleeping bag?

Then what?
Where am I supposed to sleep?

Fine!
You can sleep with me.

Okay.

"I'm sorry, Timmy.

"We can't afford to have
Christmas this year."

"But what about Santa Claus?"

"Oh, Timmy.

"We don't have a chimney
in our new apartment,

"so Santa Claus can't find us.

"Even though this so-called
slum apartment

"is five times the size
that any real widow

"who got cheated out of her
husband's life insurance

"would ever be able to afford.

"But since this is television
for the ladies,

we'll overlook that plot hole
and act poor."

And the award goes to
something other than this crap.

Can you get that?

"Is that Santa Claus
at the door?"

"I don't know, Timmy.
Let's find out."

You're not Santa Claus!

What?

Nothing.
Sorry. Never mind.

Um... Can I help you?

I think so...

I hope so.

I'm...

You're... selling candy?

Saving souls?

No, you're the kid who's
been loitering on our street

the last few days.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to...

I know you don't get along
with your sister,

and I don't blame you.

After all, she's never been
kind to me,

and I got the impression
that she wasn't kind to you,

and that's why I came here
after she kicked me out

because I thought you'd
understand, since I'm...

and you're...

And that's why she kicked
me out, not because you're...

because I'm...

And she and my dad
just found out,

and I didn't have
anywhere else to go

and I couldn't stay
in that stupid small town,

not after everything
that happened,

and I found your address
a while ago in my mom's things,

and because I had
some money saved up...

Well, not much,
but enough for a bus ticket,

and now here I am.

And I guess that's a long way
of saying that, hi,

I'm your nephew, Zeke Masters,

And, I'm gay.

It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too,
but I'm not your uncle.

What?

I'm an only child.

I don't have a sister
or a brother,

so I couldn't have a nephew.

You're not my uncle Cal?

Oh, God.

Uncle Cal.

You're Elizabeth's son?

Yes!
I mean, yes, sir.

Elizabeth and James Masters.

They're my parents.

So you are my uncle?

In a manner of speaking.

Cal, darling?

Yes, dear?

Do we have any cigars?

Why do you ask?

Because...

It's a boy.

You've had gallery shows, right?

Not yet.

You should.

Every gallery owner tells me
the same thing -

that shows
devoted to the male nude

have been done to death.

Then you're really not
going to the right galleries.

Or the right neighborhoods.

Plus you do all this
other type of art.

I sell some online.

A lot?

Enough to pay the rent.

That's pretty amazing.

And what do you do
to pay the rent?

I fill a demand
in the marketplace.

But I'm off this week.

That's not vague at all.

Well, we're still
talking about you.

Which do you prefer more -
painting or photography?

- Painting.
- Why?

It's more creative.

There's more of me
in a painting than a photograph.

I have a few, I guess you'd
call them private collectors,

who like my work.

Why wouldn't they?

One couple,
sweetest guys in the world...

they bought an entire
series I did,

for the exercise room
in their home.

I lived on that sale
for three months.

Will you sell the photos of me?

If you let me.

You can talk to my agent later.

Can I take more?

Just ask.

I am asking.

Can I take more?

Anytime.

How could you do this
to your own son?

There's nothing wrong
with him, Elizabeth.

So.

So.

You're Uncle Cal's boyfriend?

Husband, actually.

Really?

- Yeah.
- That's cool.

I'd like a husband.

Someday.

Why didn't you
come over last night?

Panicked, I guess.

It's, like, suddenly, "Pow!"
Here it is.

Know what I mean?

Where did you sleep last night?

I found a place.

Like a shelter?
Those places aren't safe.

Not a shelter.

You didn't sleep
on the street, did you?

- I slept at a friend's.
- You have friends out here?

Fine. An acquaintance.

- From where?
- Online.

Meaning...?

- Manhandler.
- What?

It's the latest greatest...

I know what it is.

Don't tell Uncle Cal.

I'm sorry about that.

What did she say?

Just what I expected.

First, are you okay?

Yeah.

No...

Not really.

I'm really sorry for, like,
just showing up.

I totally planned to come out

and meet you guys
after I graduated.

So when they...

I still can't believe
they did that.

- I can.
- I can.

I suppose she's told you
horror stories about me.

Actually, no.

She, um, doesn't talk about you.

Figures.

We haven't talked
since our parents died.

That must have been
right before you were born.

The year before, right.

Zeke, I need to ask you.

Are you okay?

Physically. I mean, did they...

Hit me?

No.

My scars are emotional.

Oh, well, there's your
family's flair for dramatics.

I'm really glad you came here.

Me, too.

Can I get you anything
to eat or drink?

We have leftover Chinese food.

Boxing Day,
it's a tradition of ours.

If you don't like Chinese food,
we've got Christmas cookies!

Or if you'd like to rest,

you can lie down
in our guest room.

Yeah. I am kinda tired.

Of course.
Make yourself at home.

Why was your trip cancelled?

Creative differences.

Bad weather.

My client's decision to spend
the holidays with his mistress.

Take your pick.

So they sent you home?

Obviously.

Glad to have you home.

Don't.

Don't be friendly to my bestest
friend in the whole world?

You should be happy about this.

I should?

You got a new TV out of it.

I do love that TV.

And you've had
more men in your bed

than you ever would have
if you were home.

And still less than you,
I'm sure.

Plus, I've been making 150 bucks
a night renting out that room.

You're making 150 bucks
a night renting out my room?

Where's my cut of the business?

Did I say 150?

I mean just 100...

No, just 50.

Julian.

All right.

How about 20%?

How about 50%?

- Thirty!
- Fifty!

- Forty!
- Seventy-five!

- Fifty.
- Deal!

Retroactive to all past rentals.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

I love this movie.

I could do without
his usual argument

about whether
there's a God or not.

Tell me about it.
I mean...

- Of course there is.
- Of course there isn't.

- You don't believe in God?
- You do?

Yeah. I mean,
that's how I was raised.

And you never questioned it?

No.

Well, yeah,
but I never lost faith.

I was raised
to question everything.

And no offense,
I don't see any evidence

of an all-mighty benevolent God.

No offense taken.

He may not always be benevolent,
but I believe He's there.

You're judging me, aren't you?

No!
Why would you say that?

I understand most churches
aren't accepting of gay people,

so I understand
why gay people think

that I shouldn't be
a part of it.

Not me.

- Really?
- Really.

And in my experience,
that's the difference

between Christians and atheists.

Most Christians are quick to
judge and condemn atheists,

tell us we're going to hell
and all that.

And atheists don't judge.

We accept that people
have different beliefs.

We don't go around
trying to convert people.

That's a broad generalization.

Don't lump me in with the
right-wing fundamentalists

you see protesting funerals.

No, for that you'd need
bad teeth and a lobotomy.

Did something happen that
made you stop believing?

Not one thing, no.

But kinda everything.

Tell me - why would your
sometimes-benevolent God

unleash AIDS on the world?

For the same reason He -
or She -

allows war or cancer
or Fox News.

Which is?

I have no idea.

Well, I'm glad we agree on that.

I'm just as frustrated
with organized religion

as I'm sure you are.

But I have my faith.

And that helps me with things.

- Things?
- Yes.

Things.

Let's finish the movie.

He's still asleep.

I put some food in there
in case he gets hungry.

Did you put out
a bowl of water, too?

Not funny.

He's already sleeping
through the night.

Blake and Ivan
are gonna be pissed.

That's funny.

Okay, so what did
your sister say?

She said that Zeke is a disgrace

and that he's not
welcome there anymore.

But what happened, exactly?

She wouldn't say, exactly.

Seventeen years old
and she does this to him.

At Christmas!

She used the word "abomination."

Who actually uses that word?

VIPs.
Very ignorant people.

She said, "Everyone knows."

"Something happened
and everyone knows."

I guess he's too much of an
embarrassment now to the family

and she doesn't want him back.

Wow. She really is as bad
as you said.

And worse than
I could have ever expected.

Okay. So, what are we
going to do if...

If he's going to stay?

Are you ready for that?

What else can we do?

If we had a couch
like normal people,

I wouldn't have to, you know,
sleep in here.

We shared a hotel room in Vegas.

Yeah, but not a bed.

I'm not gonna attack you
in the middle of the night,

if that's what
you're worried about.

I know.
That'd be weird, right?

Totally.

Are you gonna
get undressed for bed?

Yeah.

Um...

You're gonna sleep like that?

I know you sleep naked.
You know I sleep naked.

So get in bed and go to sleep.

Right.

It's just for a week,
then we'll figure something out.

I can manage that.

Thanks for understanding.

No problem.

What's that?

What's what?

That noise.

What noise?

That noise.

What are you gonna do?
Backhand them to death?

Seriously?

Morning.

- Morning.
- Morning.

I hope it's okay.

I woke up early.

Uh, cooking helps me relax.

It's perfect.

I always made breakfast
back home.

Actually, I cooked a lot.

Didn't your mom cook?

She wouldn't know a hollandaise
from a bouillabaisse.

That bitch!

It was always easier to
spend time in the kitchen,

by myself, than to spend time
talking to them.

And it just came
naturally somehow.

Oh, my God! It's the houseboy
I've always wanted!

Don't talk that way
about my nephew.

Put that tennis racket away.

You don't have to cook for us.

I know. I wanted to.

Do you do pizza?

You always have
a craving for pizza

first thing in the morning?

Only after a passionate night
of making the love.

Do you always answer the door
naked for pizza deliveries?

Only after...

All the time, actually.

They're used to it by now.

The neighbors are, too.

Don't tell me
you run around this place

without any clothes on.

When you live alone,
what's the point?

You don't have to convince me.

I'm a card-carrying nudist.

Really?

Where do you carry the card?

I was raised that way by my dad.

It was just me and him.

My mom died
right after I was born.

I'm sorry.

That must have been hard.

I didn't know her, and it's hard
to miss something

you didn't know
in the first place.

It's just the way it was.

And your dad?

Was never conventional.

You do seem comfortable
in your body.

As do you.

But why shouldn't we be?

The way I look at it,
this is me,

there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

When did you get started?

After I started painting.

Ruined so many clothes

it was easier to
paint au naturel.

Then it just stuck.

I've never understood why people
are so hung up about nudity.

Americans.

Yes!

Other countries, no big deal.

But show a nipple
or a dick in America,

and you're public enemy
number one.

I have a friend who's an actor,

and anytime he has
to get naked on set,

he makes sure the set is closed,

he makes sure that no one
can take any pictures.

He makes sure they never
get full frontal on film.

Meanwhile, he's sending
dick pics on Manhandler.

And there's nothing wrong
with that.

Oh, not at all!

Wrong number again?

Yeah, three missed calls
from the same number today.

Weird.

Hey, speaking of weird...

What's that sad little Christmas
present under your tree?

Why haven't you opened that yet?

Long story.

Another of my traditions,
you'd say.

Let me get us
something to drink.

- Morning, roomie.
- Morning.

How did you sleep?

Hard. Deep.
Fine!

That's good.

I need to make breakfast
for our guest.

Mind if I jump in
the shower first?

No, that's fine.

Thanks.

Um, no problem.

I don't know if I can
do this for another week.

You are NOT helping matters!

Dylan?

I can't take this.

Good morning to you, too.

I just slept with my roommate.

Finally. It's about time.

No, just slept.

Why?

Long story.

You've been lusting after him
since you moved in.

That IS a long story.

But he doesn't know.

He really doesn't know.

Did you make a move
on him while he slept?

No movement.

Well...

Except from Dylan Junior.

It's not funny.

He's in the shower
and I'm at full mast.

So? Have a quick wank
and get over it.

No. We have to share this bed
for another week.

Again, long story.

You could stay at my place.

I may not be home for a while.

Normally, I'd want to hear
all about that,

but right now, focus on me.

I am.
You can stay at my place.

For the next week,
I get to share a bed

with the man I've been
in love with for two years.

Why would I give that up?

Confusion.
Do you want to sleep with him,

or are you afraid
to sleep with him?

Yes!

Dude, if it's meant to be,
it's meant to be.

And if you ask me...

I am asking you.

It feels like a sign
from the universe.

If you don't tell him how
you feel now, you never will.

Maybe.

I'll try.

No. Fuck or fuck not.

There is no try.

Let me know how it goes.

Okay.

That was my ex.
He needed some advice.

Friends with an ex?
How gay.

Hey, if gay men weren't friends
with their exes,

no one in Los Angeles
could talk to each other.

So, do you need to go?

If you want me to leave,
just say so.

And if I want you to come?

Just say so.

"So."

I think I'm about
the same size as Zeke.

So this should cover him
until we can go shopping

and get him some new stuff.

I've started a list for him.

Clothes, food, toiletries.

Ask him what kind
of food he likes.

I'll ask him what kind
of food he likes to cook.

Well, these should
cover the boy for now.

I'm not a boy.

I'm almost out of high school.

You're almost out of that towel.

Feel better?

Much.
I haven't had a shower in days.

Try these on.
I think they should fit you.

Um...

Something wrong?

- I hate to ask.
- Whatever you need.

- It's just...
- Spit it out.

That's what he said.

Underwear?

Ah.

Oh. Well...

I... sort of... don't.

Don't?

Wear underwear.

Oh.

Guys do that?

Some do.
And Cal...

Does.
I mean, I do. Wear them.

It's just...

Well...

It's the only style I wear.

- Uh, It's...
- I know what it is.

I did play football.

Really? What position?

Tight end.

Oh, honey. Remember when you
were a tight end?

You played football, Uncle Cal?

No.

I, uh, I just like the style.

Uh, it's very... free.

Easy access for...

That's enough.

I guess that's something
we have in common, Uncle Cal.

Add condoms
to the shopping list.

Lots and lots of condoms.

Hey, Julian.
Thanks for returning my call.

Least I could do, since you
were actually returning mine.

Right, right, right.
Almost forgot.

I was calling you to tell you

that next week is fine
for our meeting.

I wish more clients
got a jump on their taxes

the way you and Laslo do.

Be prepared, that's my motto.

I think someone
stole that from you.

Before I forget,
we'll see you at our

"New Year's Steve Not Eve"
get-together, right?

Wouldn't miss it.

It's just a few friends.
You'll know everyone.

Don't expect some
big party or anything.

I'm sure it will be fabulous,
as always.

Julian, I do have
a question for you, actually.

Shoot.

If Laslo and I had a kid,
what would that do to our taxes?

You guys are having a baby?

Not really.
Long story.

Adoption?

I don't know, actually.

When did this happen?

Seventeen years ago.

Did you knock up
some girl in college?

No! Never mind.

I'll tell you
all about it at the party.

Where I can tell you
about my roommate.

Dylan?
What's up with Dylan?

I just found out
he's a grower, not a shower.

A major grower.

Um...

Good to know?

Yeah. Like you said, long story.
Quite long, actually.

- Talk more at the party?
- Talk more at the party.

Texting friends back home?

Kinda.

One friend.

Trying to.

A boyfriend?

No.

I mean, I thought we were,
but turns out, not so much.

He's not answering my texts.

Do you want to
talk about what happened?

I mean, sometimes talking...

Maybe I could help.

That's him.

John.

He's cute.

We were best friends
since, like, kindergarten.

Best friends.

So, like, one night, last year,

I stayed over at his place
after a party.

We were really drunk, and...

We've all been there.

Well, I hadn't.

Not before that.

Neither had John.

And? How was it?

It was incredible.

You're lucky.

No one knew.
We were very careful.

And your parents
never suspected?

No.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Maybe they did.

My mom always
treated me like shit, so...

Maybe she did.

Moms usually know.

But we always did it
at John's house.

After school.

His parents worked, so we had
the whole place to ourselves.

So, what happened?

Did you get caught eventually,
or did you tell someone?

God, no!

I couldn't tell anyone.

Not in that town.

I...

So...

Like, last week,
I went over to John's house.

He had relatives coming in
for the holidays,

so we knew it would be a while
before we got to do it again.

And...

That's when he walked in.

He who?

Michael.

John's older brother.

He came home
a day early from college...

And he caught us hooking up.

And by "hooking up,"
you mean...?

Just kissing, making out,
you know.

But when he walked in,
John just, like... changed.

Ah.

He pushed me off him.

He told his brother
that I had come on to him.

And he then called me a...

It's okay.

No, it's not.

They threw me out.

Literally, just threw me
out the door.

When I got home,
they had called my parents.

Dad barely said a word.

Mom said I could leave

or go to one of those places
where they turn you straight.

So you left.

I left.

Good for you.

So, like, was I right
to come here?

Absolutely.

Calling it a night?

I was gonna
have drinks with Frank,

but he's been out all day
on his never-ending quest.

You're on Manhandler?

Don't act surprised.
I'm sure you're on it, too.

I am not, actually.

Then how do you meet guys?

Call me crazy, but I like to
meet them in person.

Bars, parties, through friends.

Yeah, you're crazy.

Whatever.

Ooh.

"Hot pic. I'm naked
and in bed with a friend now.

Want to join us?"

Send!

You did not just send that!

What? It's harmless flirting.

You're a bastard! Give me that!

- No!
- Give me that!

Hey!

- I want to see...
- Hey, what are you doing?

- I want to see your profile.
- Give that back.

"VersMan4U." You're vers?

Yeah.

- Stop!
- I want to see what you're into.

I can hear you
doing that on your own.

It's better with someone else.

Oh, is it?

Threesomes?
You're into threesomes?

- So?
- Just good to know, is all.

No!

The guy messaged me back.

He wants to come over.

The one you already told you're
in bed with somebody else?

Yeah.

What should I do?

Invite him over.

I gotta know what's in there.

Or the story behind it.

It's the big, pink,
Christmas elephant in the room.

You sure?

If you are.

All right.

Here goes.

I have had this present
under this tree for five years.

Just over five years.

I found it, Christmas day,
five years ago,

just after I got out of...
rehab.

My boyfriend at the time,

the one who actually
got me into rehab,

had moved all of his stuff out
while I was gone.

Sid, I'm so sorry.

The only sign that he had
ever been here was this.

He left it with a note
that said,

"In case you ever need it."

Need what? What is it?

I have no idea.

Because I've never needed it.

I changed my life
that Christmas,

I changed my behavior,

I changed my outlook and
I have never looked back.

And that is why
I believe in a higher power.

Before we met on Christmas,
I actually went to a meeting.

Got my five-year chip
and everything.

Good for you.

So, you know, whatever is
in that box,

I don't need it.

Then why even keep it?

Just to remind me.

Sometimes you need
to be reminded

of what you've forgotten.

I am so proud of you.

You just met me.
How can you be proud of me?

I am so proud of you.

Thank you.

Do you really think that
you can let go of the past?

Not let it
overtake your present?

I do.

Then, would you
read something for me?

Something I wrote.

You can write?
How clever of you.

I have it on my phone.

Hey, Zeke! You up?

Zeke, I was gonna go shopping
if you want to come with.

Sorry!

Remind me to never
walk in on a 17-year-old

first thing in the morning.

- No!
- Yes!

He and I do have
a lot in common.

Yeah, and I'm adding
door locks to the list.

Where did you
get off to this morning?

I went to our local high school.

And?

Have you seen
our local high school?

- That bad?
- Scary bad.

I'm shocked I made it out
of that neighborhood alive.

Why did we buy a house in
such a terrible school district?

Because we never
planned on having kids.

Oh, my God.

We have a kid.

Blake and Ivan
are gonna be pissed

we beat them to the punch.

Focus.

We can't send Zeke back to
his old high school, obviously,

and I won't send him to
the public high school here.

You're not gonna
wanna hear about

my research
into private schools.

Hit me.

This one...

has the lowest enrollment fee.

- Fuck me.
- Later.

That's the enrollment fee?

Yeah. And this...

is the cost of tuition.

For one semester.

How much are you getting paid
for the Times Square script?

Less than either one
of these numbers.

- Fuck me!
- I told you, later! Focus.

He could get his G.E.D.

Would colleges accept that?

Don't know.
Is he going to college?

I don't know.
We haven't talked about it.

Maybe he could
get a scholarship.

I think he'd have to
finish high school for that.

Should we cancel our New Year's
"Steve Not Eve" party?

No! I've been looking
forward to that.

Besides, it's just a few people.

What will we do with Zeke?

He could cook.

What? He's really good!

Did you have that
pasta carbonara last night?

Do you think he'd make me
some more pancakes?

I'm off.

Want some pancakes?

No, thanks. I'll grab
something while I'm out.

Suit yourself.

Is everything all right?

- Fine.
- Fine.

Okay, then.
I'll see you guys later.

Don't forget our friends'
New Year's Eve party tomorrow.

Are you sure it's okay
that I come?

Of course.

The more, the merrier.

Right, Julian?

Then count me in.

See you later.

So?

Shh. Still reading.

I hate reading
on a phone, by the way.

You read my ad on a phone.

That's different.

Do you do any headshots?

I have a lot of actor friends...

Ssshhh. Almost done.

And, no, I don't do headshots.

They're boring
and they don't pay the bills.

Why aren't you
writing full-time?

Doesn't pay the bills.

Wow.

That was good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It was so imaginative.

So intriguing.

And the part where the
main character finds out

his father wasn't actually
his father

and kidnapped him
when he was a kid!

So good!

So true.

And so modest.

No. I mean...

It's true. The story.

That was me.

Wait! That happened to you?

He told me when I was 21,
and he was dying of cancer.

So the story you told me earlier

about your mom dying
when you were young...

That's the story I tell people.

Most people.

And it's almost true.

His wife had died,
and he was all alone,

and straight out of a TV movie,

he saw me at a carnival
and took me home.

He was a good father.

He never abused me -

and I know you were
about to ask.

I was.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Unlike the story, however,
I haven't tried to find them.

Not yet.

Why not?

I guess I'm not ready yet.

You can't wash away the
good memories of your family.

Not as easily as most people
wash away the bad.

I normally don't
tell people this.

I've never cared enough
to tell anyone... except my ex.

And now you.

And why me?

Maybe I'm ready.

Ready for change.

Change can be good.

Am I in trouble?

No. We just wanted
to talk to you.

See how things are going.

- Here?
- Yeah.

It's great.

You guys are great,
I love being in a big city...

I've even been chatting
with other guys my age.

Chatting how?

That's not important.

Zeke! You have to be careful!

We're just talking...

For now.

Oh! For now, he says.

They grow up so fast.

I'm not a virgin, you know.

This is what straight parents
go through, isn't it?

Were you guys virgins at my age?

- Yes!
- No.

Also not important.

I have been talking
to this one guy.

He, like, totally gets
what I'm going through.

And it seems like
he lives pretty close.

So...

I was thinking of inviting him
to your New Years' Eve party.

I guess if you're gonna stay,

we're gonna have
to get used to this.

Does that mean I can stay?

Well, you need a place to live
until you finish high school,

which we'll figure out somehow.

And you're already here so...

Yes.

We want you to stay.

Thank you, Uncle Cal.

Thank you...

Uncle Laslo.

Thank you, guys.

You're not going to regret this.

#

Oh! This is my nephew Zeke.

So you're the new addition
to the household?

Yes, sir.

Don't call me sir.

Unless I ask you to.

- Julian!
- I'm just kidding.

Oh! Excuse me.

I'm your uncle's accountant.

Oh.

That's... interesting.

Sid! Thanks for coming.

Thanks for the invite.

Cal, this is Gray.
Gray, Cal.

Hi. How are you?

Very nice to meet you.

What a lovely home.

Oh, thank you!

Uh, when did this happen?

Have you been holding out on me?

No. This... is new.

How do you two know each other?

- Well...
- We have a mutual friend.

Right.

It's okay.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Our mutual friend is Bill W.

Cal is my sponsor.

Oh!

Hey, it is really nice
to meet you, then.

And I want you to meet
Cal's husband, Laslo.

He's an amazing writer,
and he...

He is an amazing writer, too.

Well, then I'm sure
you and Laslo

will have amazing things
to say to each other.

Witty banter on demand.
This should be fun.

There's some sparkling cider
in the kitchen.

Would you like some champagne?
Or we have...

Oh, sparkling cider is fine.

- Coming up.
- I'll give you a hand.

How long are you in town?

Unfortunately,
I go back tomorrow.

- Did you have fun?
- Fun?

I didn't find
what I was looking for, but,

you know, I gave it a shot.

Be nice to get back
to my bed, though.

I hear ya'.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sid, Frank.
Frank, Sid.

Hi.

Excuse me for a bit.

And actually, sorry,
I need to go check on the food.

And then there were two.

Who's your caterer?
This is really good.

Actually, my nephew Zeke
made that.

He's been trying out recipes
for the last two days for us.

Is he looking for a job?

We could use some help
at my restaurant.

He's only 17.

He's only 17 and he made this?

I gotta meet this kid.

He's around here somewhere.

I overheard you say you were

looking for something
while you were here.

Not something.
Someone.

I don't think Cal and Laslo
have any single friends coming.

Not like that. I, uh...

I'm looking for my brother.

It's a long story.

It's almost midnight;

can you give me
the short version?

My brother is missing.

That was short.

Did you call the police?

We did.

Twenty-eight years ago.

My brother was kidnapped...

Abducted is the term people
are comfortable with today.

The private detective I hired
thought he had a lead out here,

thought he had been seen
in the neighborhood, and, um...

I called, and I called, and...

I went by the address
he gave me,

but no one's seen him.

Where did you say he was taken?

At a carnival.

I, uh, I got sick...

Too much... cotton candy,
I'm told -

and my mom, she, uh...

She left him alone...

Just for a minute
to come take care of me.

And, uh...

And he was gone.

Everything happens for a reason.

And what's that?

I have somebody
I want you to meet.

Zeke, your friend...

- Carlos.
- Your friend Carlos is here.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Thanks for, you know,
inviting me over.

Yeah, you know, whatever.

I was at this lame-ass party,
but...

This is better.

Want to see my bedroom?

No! Uh, it's almost midnight.

Why don't you guys
stay out here with us?

Fine.

Why are you still mad at me?

I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at the dirt.

Seriously?

Look, I'm sorry about
the other night.

Why?

Because that guy flaked
and never showed up for our...

our threesome?

Why are you so upset about that?
You were clearly into it.

No, I was not!

You weren't?

No!

Then why did you tell me
to invite him over?

- Because.
- Don't be a child.

Fine.

Because I thought
that would be the only way

I could ever get you
to look at me that way.

What way?

Sexually.

Romantically.

Oh.

And then when he never
showed up, we just sat there.

It was clear
you weren't into me,

you just wanted to get off.

I should, uh...

I should probably move out.

That way you can
rent my room full-time.

Do you remember what you told me
when you first moved in?

You said that
we could only be friends.

That you weren't looking for
a boyfriend or a fuck buddy,

just a roommate.

- I said that?
- Yes, you did.

And so that's what I've been -
your roommate.

Even after I got to know you
and I wanted...

You wanted what?

More.

And you started traveling
so much for your work,

and I rarely saw you, but...

I always looked forward
to when you came home...

because I missed you.

You did?

Come with me.

What are you doing?

Mistletoe.

That's cilantro.

Yeah, it's Los Angeles,
we take what we can get, okay?

- I've got it!
- You've got what?

The solution. Home school!

Excuse me?

I'll home school Zeke.

One more time.
Excuse me?

I'm already at home.

He's smart, I'm smart,
we get along.

Look, how hard
could home schooling be?

Red-state, anti-vaxxer,
climate-change-denying moms

do it all the time.

It's not just for
religious nutjobs anymore -

that's your selling point?

Have you got a better idea?

- Home school?
- Home school!

- If it keeps Zeke with us...
- Yes!

Trust me.

I'll get it.

They got a houseboy
for Christmas!

So cute!

We were on our way over...

And we got the call.

So we can only stay
for a moment because...

Our surrogate just gave birth!

- Oh, my God! Congratulations!
- Congratulations!

- What is it?
- It's a girl!

- Liza Britney.
- Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, that poor child.

We have to go!

- Happy New Year, everyone!
- Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Thank you all for joining us
for New Year's Eve.

Everybody have a beverage?

Good.

To friends, new and old.

And to family, new and old.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

And so the old year ended

with a multitude of changes
for this group of men,

just as it does every year
for people all over the world.

And as the new year arrived,
full of hope and promise,

this particular group
of friends...

No, this particular family -

grew larger
and grew stronger with love.