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1
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,280
Twixt here and the horizon,
2
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:11,720
flush to the sky,
lies a carpet of people,
3
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,360
a meadow of EYES,
an orchard of ears,
4
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:16,920
aquiver with glee,
5
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,480
a nation reflected in the BBC.
6
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:25,120
Wolf Hall, Panorama -
cerebral telly, prestige drama,
7
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,240
and for those what
don't get no grammar,
8
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,080
Call the Midwife,
Homes Under The Hammer.
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00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,920
A flickering friend in nights drawn
cold, a teat for the young,
10
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,520
a stick for the old.
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00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,160
My dad watched the Beeb,
just as my mum did,
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00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:42,600
despite our concerns o'er the way
it is funded.
13
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,320
'Course, there were morsels on ITV,
14
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,920
but quality, consistency, the BBC.
15
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,800
Look, I said, look
at the delights up on screen.
16
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,800
A good goal in football,
a speech by the Queen.
17
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,880
Blue Peter, felt tips,
sticky back plastic.
18
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,520
Pan's People, lovely hips -
they look fantastic.
19
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,800
We've moved on from that now,
as indeed we oughta.
20
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,400
Just harmless fun?
21
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,640
It could have been your daughter!
22
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,920
Still, three cheers from
stakeholders and licence fee payers.
23
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,320
This ode like an onion
with multiple layers.
24
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:19,040
I simply request
that my message is heard.
25
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That my thoughts now take
wing like the flight of a bird.
26
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,280
BIRD CAWS IN DISTANCE
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00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,080
Hello, and welcome once again.
28
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,360
His name's Alan, my name's Jen.
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And although you may
not like my rhyme,
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00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,640
we hope that you enjoy This Time.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
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Oh, thank you. Not the finest poem
you'll ever hear.
32
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,000
Certainly not a patch on yours.
33
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,160
Well, they're different,
aren't they?
34
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,320
Er, funny story.
35
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,960
I was due to shoot a piece about
corruption at Crufts
36
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,400
called Bent Breeders,
37
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,040
but they cancelled after
a Schnauzer bitch went berserk.
38
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,520
Er, so, I found myself with a film
crew and I just said,
39
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,280
"Hey, guys, mind if I try something
real quick?"
40
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,760
Well, we're very glad you did,
41
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,360
and I hope everything's all right
at Crufts.
42
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,680
Yeah, it was just one dog,
43
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,840
but Clare Balding was quite
badly shaken.
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00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,120
But it's under control now.
She's been destroyed.
45
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440
Er, the dog, obviously,
not Clare Balding.
46
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,520
Well, either way,
thoroughly enjoyable,
47
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,320
especially the bit with the rapping.
48
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,080
Yes, that was deliberate. Mm?
49
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,640
Because kids like rap,
50
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:43,280
and although I've never been
a fan of the crude stuff,
51
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,120
I had my mind changed completely
when I was dragged to see Hamilton.
52
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,440
Hamilton? I loved Hamilton.
Did you like it?
53
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,440
YES! I did. Once I was able to
re-adjust from the initial
54
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,480
disappointment that it wasn't a
musical about Lewis Hamilton.
55
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,080
SHE LAUGHS
I'd go and see that.
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00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:58,160
A winning FORMULA!
57
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,480
Do you know what? That's the title!
That's the title!
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00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,720
I tell you,
someone is going to do it,
59
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,560
and I know for a fact
that the stage at the Lyceum,
60
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,280
you could fit three
Formula 1 cars side-by-side
61
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,480
and still have space to
dance around them.
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00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,200
Food for thought. Yeah, well...
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00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,360
But first tonight, some good news.
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00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,560
On Monday's show we brought you
the story of Andrew Hannan -
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00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,960
confined to a wheelchair and living
in a flat that had seen better days.
66
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,560
Unable to afford a refurb, he faced
the prospect of moving home,
67
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,960
but that was
until our viewers got wind of it.
68
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,600
And boy, did they rally round!
They did.
69
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,640
Yeah. Painters, decorators,
builders - many of them British -
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00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:38,040
carpet layers, gardeners - anyone
who has two sugars in their tea
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00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,600
got in touch to muck in and give
Andrew the home he deserves.
72
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,840
To tell us more, here's the man with
the helping hand and the funny bone,
73
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,320
Simon Denton.
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00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:56,160
Simon Denton. Yes. You've been at
the epicentre of the operation...
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00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,160
Oh, God, yeah. ..fielding calls,
emails, tweets, you name it.
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00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:00,880
A hive of activity.
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00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,680
The nerve centre!
Cables everywhere.
78
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,120
It was like Spaghetti Junction!
79
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,000
Have you ever seen Spaghetti
Junction? Got a helicopter ride over
80
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,160
it for my 40th. Best present I've
ever bought myself.
81
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,640
Stunning piece of engineering.
It's quite humbling, isn't it?
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00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,480
The lengths those engineers went to,
just so the ordinary road users,
83
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,120
men and women that
they would never meet,
84
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,320
could avoid going into Birmingham.
85
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,560
When I think about that,
I actually get quite choked up.
86
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,600
Much like Spaghetti Junction
on a Monday morning.
87
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,560
Funny! Funny thing to say.
88
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,080
Give us some examples.
89
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,960
Yes! So,
a lot of good Samaritans out there.
90
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,080
The curtains came from...
91
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,400
..Saringdons Curtains, erm,
for free.
92
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,480
So, thanks to the team there.
So kind.
93
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,480
It really restores your faith in
humanity. Oh, God, doesn't it just?
94
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,120
Thanks to Dennis in Cardiff
for doing the tiling.
95
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,320
Hello, Dennis! Dennis Nilsen?
96
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,800
Isn't that the guy who buried
the bodies under the floor?
97
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,840
Hm, maybe that's why he's
so good at tiling.
98
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,080
SIMON CHUCKLES
Yeah, it's a different guy, though.
99
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,840
Oh, God, yeah... Must be.
100
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,560
Yeah. Loads more coming up on the
screen. You're doing great.
101
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,400
Thank you.
The guys at SPR Brickwork,
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00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,200
they installed a chimney
and wood burner.
103
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,320
Affordable craftsmanship since 1990.
Sorry?
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00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,240
Affordable craftsmanship since 1990.
105
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,400
And a huge thank you to British Gas
who came forward and said they would
106
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,800
supply Andrew with
a new boiler, free of charge,
107
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,040
and they've asked me to point out,
with over 50 years of experience
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00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,080
and teams of qualified engineers
fitting more boilers than any other
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00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:23,560
supplier, British Gas means peace
of mind, just when you need it most.
110
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:25,800
Yeah, almost sounds like an advert.
111
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,440
Well, I had to say I'd mention them
so they'd give us the boiler.
112
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:29,880
Bit more than a mention.
113
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,080
You wonder what they'd pay for that
kind of exposure
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00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,360
if this was a commercial channel.
How do you mean?
115
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,960
Well, 30-second slot? Peak time.
Got to be 20K. Easily.
116
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,080
How much was the boiler?
900 quid, very affordable.
117
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,840
Yeah. Cost price to them? 200?
118
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,240
Probably about that.
Has this got a calculator function?
119
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,080
There you go. So, that's a yes.
120
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,920
20,000 minus the 200 cost to them...
121
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:50,880
..is 19,800...
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00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,840
..divided by the 20,000 again...
123
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,840
..times 100...
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00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,440
..is 99. Yep.
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00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:00,240
So, you've essentially given
British Gas Plc
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00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:04,720
a 99% discount on a pretty plum
piece of advertising real estate.
127
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,640
Saw you coming, mate. Maybe they'll
pass it on to their customers.
128
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,640
Come on.
129
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,440
British Gas are laughing at you,
Simon. Finally, someone is.
130
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,320
It's a funny joke,
but it's against yourself.
131
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,880
But it's against myself.
Yes, it is.
132
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,600
Right, Jennie, back to you, please.
Thanks, Alan.
133
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,640
Now, when we say we welcome
your views, we mean it -
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00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,080
in good times and in bad.
135
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:27,160
So, when Guardian columnist
Dan Milner took the show to task,
136
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,120
and Alan in particular... Why am I
always getting it in the neck?
137
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,320
I don't mind. I don't know.
138
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:36,400
Took him to task over what
he called a dereliction of basic
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00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,960
journalistic standards,
we took it on the chin.
140
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,000
Well, Dan is here today for a
grown-up discussion about where
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00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,800
he thinks we've gone wrong.
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00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,400
But first, a reminder of
what he wrote.
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OFF-SCREEN: And we're off.
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00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,880
Alan. Alan!
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00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,320
Back of the sofa.
146
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,000
The last producer would never have
made you do this.
147
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,840
They're throwing you to the wolves.
148
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,760
Lynn, it's The Guardian,
they're hardly wolves.
149
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,520
More like hamsters who vote Labour.
Do you want to hunker?
150
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,160
Yes. These intellectuals have it
in for traditional people like us.
151
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,000
"Traditional people"?
Well, you know.
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00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,720
Do you mean white people?
153
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,240
Well, not necessarily.
I can't believe I've taken a knee
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for a chat about white people!
155
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,840
You'd think he'd be more careful.
What does that mean?
156
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,160
Well, I don't like to say.
Yes, you do.
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00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,080
He's having an affair with a woman
from ITN called Hermione Kent.
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00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,480
Lynn, what a man chooses to
do in the back of his Range Rover
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00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,280
with another woman...
Hermione Kent.
160
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,920
Stop telling me her name. I'm not
going to wave his infidelities
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00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,280
around like a big stick.
162
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,680
But it's better than that.
It's a snooker ball and a sock.
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00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,520
Alan? Positions.
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00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,960
Hermione Kent.
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00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,720
And we're back on in five, four...
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I'm joined now by the man who quite
simply brandishes the most
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00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:53,360
acerbic left-of-centre digital quill
in wherever Fleet Street is now.
168
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,200
Dan Milner, welcome.
Good of you to have me on.
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00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,720
Now, Dan, you said some pretty
strong things
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00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,160
about me in your newspaper.
171
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,600
No, no, no. I've got
nothing against you whatsoever.
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00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,200
Oh, good. Well, that's a relief,
173
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,720
because I've also written
things in the heat of the moment
174
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,480
and then the next day you think to
yourself, "I didn't mean any of
175
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,160
"that, I just got carried away.
Of course I'm not going to boycott
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00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,360
"Costa Coffee and its affiliate
brands nationwide."
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I meant I've got nothing against you
personally.
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00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,840
I still think the show is
pretty lousy... Right.
179
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,040
..and is a clumsy attempt by the BBC
to broaden its appeal
180
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,720
at the expense of its own
journalistic standards.
181
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,320
Where once there was real analysis,
182
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,320
now we have chit-chats
about Kit Kats.
183
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,840
OK. Chit-chat and banter came top
of our viewers' demands
184
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,680
in our focus groups.
Well, I find that...
185
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,800
Isn't that right, Simon?
Right at the top.
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00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,160
Yes. Just below "more of Jennie".
Right near the top.
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00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,600
So, if that was the issue...
Did you read my piece?
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I read a redacted version,
but I pieced together
189
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the gist from the bits that
my assistant left un-Tipp-Exed.
190
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,680
Well, it contained good news as well
as bad news. Some of your reports
191
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:53,000
were just about passable.
And the good news?
192
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,120
That is the good news.
Right.
193
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,440
The bad news is you've failed to
meet some of the most basic
194
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,840
rudiments of TV journalism.
Give me an example.
195
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,720
Your piece on female Olympic
swimmers ended up being ten minutes
196
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,120
of you discussing
women with big feet.
197
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,200
Yes, and I wasn't happy with that
198
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,640
and raised my concerns with
the appropriate people.
199
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,240
It was your report, Alan.
200
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,000
Give me another example.
201
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,800
Last week, you went to the home
of the man who invented hand dryers.
202
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,560
You're damn right I did, because the
hand dryers in the toilets
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00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,000
on most rail services in the UK are
an absolute disgrace!
204
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,840
He was a man in his 80s. You ended
up shouting questions through his
205
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,480
letterbox on your hands and knees.
It's called holding the powerful
206
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,120
to account.
On your hands and knees?
207
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,760
The letterbox was at the bottom
of his door, which is where some
208
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,400
people have them - I don't know why!
209
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,840
You could be investigating things
that really matter.
210
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:40,120
Look, things like refugees,
or Syria, or land mines,
211
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:43,640
all that stuff, might matter to your
readers, but my audience are more
212
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,360
concerned about
hand dryers, speed bumps
213
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,320
and bigger fines for dog dirt.
214
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,680
The BBC has Reithian values to
uphold. Lord Reith will have turned
215
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,320
in his grave so much he's probably
drilled his way to France. Nah.
216
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,760
His body would break up once
it hit sedimentary rock.
217
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,280
Lucky him, he'd be spared another
episode of your show.
218
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,240
Alexander Pope said, "A little
knowledge is a dangerous thing."
219
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,480
This show falls short of even that,
with every feature reduced to
220
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,400
bite-size nuggets,
appealing only to those with ADD.
221
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,600
Where's the empathy for people
affected by things?
222
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,000
There isn't any.
223
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,680
Fair point.
But, you know, it's hard.
224
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,880
It's all right for you. You've got
loads of empathy. You know, whether
225
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,160
it's for Joe Bloggs in London,
Sandra in Carlisle,
226
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,000
or Hermione in Kent.
227
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,240
You just seem to be able to, I don't
know, put yourself inside them.
228
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,280
Look...
229
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,920
I want...
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
230
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,000
I want this programme to succeed,
231
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,680
and maybe my piece was
a touch colourful.
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00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,600
Mm. I'd also say...
233
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,800
..sometimes you write a column
and then afterwards realise maybe
234
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,240
it was 80% wrong and 20% right.
235
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,080
Only 80? Or 90.
A bit more? 94.
236
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,240
Yeah, that'll do.
Besides, no-one's perfect.
237
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,080
I know some people look
at your paper and think,
238
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,520
"It's posh men with three letter
names like Dan, Ben, Tom or Tim
239
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,520
pretending to be ordinary because
240
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,360
they've got teenage sons
and a messy hallway.
241
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,680
Do you know what I mean about the
Tim, Tom, Ben, Dan factor, Dan?
242
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,440
Yes. It's not really news, is it?
243
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,280
It's more of a clumsy attempt to
broaden your appeal at the expense
244
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,920
of journalistic standards. That's
true. Want to say sorry?
245
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,080
Sorry. Well, I'm glad we were able
to acknowledge
246
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,040
both of our shortcomings.
Dan Milner, thank you,
247
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,840
and I believe Simon has a few
texts of his own.
248
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,320
OFF-SCREEN: Yes, I do.
Thank you, Alan. Now...
249
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,520
Thank you. Right. Well, if that's
everything...
250
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,160
Oh, there is one more thing.
251
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,200
Erm, your brother's wife's
dad lives near me,
252
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,040
and has a 400-year-old oak
tree that's blocking my view.
253
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,200
Could you get him to cut it back?
254
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,520
Come on, he's not going to cut back
a 400-year-old tree.
255
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,560
Oh, you're good with words,
you'll persuade him.
256
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,600
No, Alan, I don't think
I can do that.
257
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,680
Do you know what I reckon? I reckon
I'm going to wake up on Saturday
258
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:48,080
morning and that ancient oak's going
to be cut back. Go get your cab.
259
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,280
..and don't forget, the British Gas
price promise means the price
260
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,360
you're quoted is the price you pay,
261
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:58,720
and that is from the team at
British Gas Pl - you guessed it - c.
262
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,440
And Alan, good to see you
263
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,680
and Dan Milner were able to find
some common ground.
264
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,240
Yeah. Do you know, I think on
reflection, Dan would admit
265
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,080
he just got it wrong.
266
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,920
Er, but it goes to show that getting
people with opposing views to thrash
267
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,360
out their differences - good telly.
268
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,880
Yes, although not sure we'd want
argy-bargy every week.
269
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,560
Well, it's how you do it, isn't it?
270
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:19,320
Yes. You know, get a few Catholics
and Protestants
271
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,480
from Northern Ireland who still care
about that stuff,
272
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,200
get them to play backgammon.
273
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,160
Whoever wins, they get to
paint THEIR pictures on walls,
274
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,800
or the sides of houses.
275
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,320
Or get Palestinians and Israelis,
have them play.
276
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,760
If the Israelis win,
they can build whatever they like.
277
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,000
If the Palestinians win, they get to
do whatever it is THEY want.
278
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,640
Political board game challenge,
with Alan Partridge.
279
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,600
Why, what do you think?
You seem to know a lot about it.
280
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:43,680
Huh? Me?
281
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,560
Live on BBC One -
282
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,000
Simon Says, with Simon Denton.
283
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,160
Good... Good name.
You have the floor.
284
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:55,280
No, I just think wheeling out
people at the extremes
285
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,560
sounds like balance but it's just
a way of starting a fight, isn't it?
286
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,400
It doesn't illuminate anything.
It just makes people angry.
287
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,840
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
288
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,920
There we go. Good point.
289
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,640
Yeah, and I would actually
add to that
290
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,360
by saying, if we try to build
a consensus, it'd be better
291
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:16,400
for our families, better for our
communities, better for the country.
292
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,240
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
293
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,440
Yeah, and that's just...
That's just something I think.
294
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:25,560
Now, six months ago
we brought you the story of Nala -
295
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,160
a lion cub being nursed back to
health at London Zoo.
296
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,480
We promised you
an update of her progress.
297
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:35,120
Here's some footage of her looking
similar but bigger.
298
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,120
OFF-SCREEN: And we're off!
299
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,400
You all right?
Yeah, yes, yes.
300
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,640
Just going to pop on a bit of
powder.
301
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,080
You must have worked up a sweat
arguing with that Guardian man.
302
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,520
Huh. You were really manly. Oh!
303
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,160
You were using your words like
a big sword. Ah.
304
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,000
I could do with someone like you in
my corner, next time I have a row.
305
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,200
Any time. Really?
306
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,760
Mm. Happy to help.
307
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,320
See, the thing is, my landlord keeps
saying that I owe him rent and
308
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,400
he keeps coming round the back
door with his dog and his brother.
309
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,600
He lost an eye in prison, so he's
really hard to reason with.
310
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,480
Mmm.
311
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,280
Yeah.
You know who'd be great with that?
312
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,480
The Citizens Advice Bureau.
313
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,120
Yeah. They're really good.
314
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,400
LYNN: The poem seems to have
gone down well.
315
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,240
Good! As long as it didn't make me
seem too desperate.
316
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,880
Hello?
317
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,320
Oh, Alan, you know the BBC Annual
Report's out tomorrow,
318
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,320
with that list of presenter's
salaries?
319
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,920
Right.
It's a who's who of who's who.
320
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,720
Can you order me 50 copies
and distribute them to the list?
321
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,160
I'll break the spines.
BOTH: So they flop open where it...
322
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,240
..says how much I earn.
..says how much you earn.
323
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,040
Lynn, you really are cooking today.
324
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,560
And yet you're not a good cook.
I like it simple.
325
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,360
You can say that again.
326
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,840
five, four...
327
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,920
Now, the Special Air Service may
sound like a branch
328
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:56,360
of the Post Office, but it's perhaps
better known as the SAS,
329
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,400
or by insiders or
enthusiasts as the "sass".
330
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,880
In fact, it has become the gold
standard for special
331
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,880
forces the world over.
332
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,160
This year marks its 80th birthday.
333
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,920
This is Hereford,
a place where the moo of cow,
334
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,440
the grumble of Welsh farmer
and the phut-phut-phut of passing
335
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:18,520
tractor gives way to the
rat-a-tat-tat of machine-gunfire
336
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:23,160
and the bang, oof, smack
and twat of men thumping each other.
337
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,160
Ditherers need not apply.
338
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,040
This is where the nonsense stops.
339
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,200
This is the SAS!
340
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,760
In the last century, the British
Army has fought in numerous wars.
341
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,560
The First World War,
the Second World War,
342
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,800
the Falklands, Iraq, Afghanistan.
343
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,360
It has won them all.
344
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,280
Yet one of its units is
revered above all others.
345
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,240
I'm talking, of course,
about the SAS.
346
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:50,600
Indeed, the maxim "Who Dares Wins"
is one I apply in my own life,
347
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,440
and I find that if I do dare -
whether it's making
348
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,840
a business decision, playing Jenga,
349
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,720
or suggesting dinner to a woman
online - I do win.
350
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,160
This may look like an old
blacksmith's shed,
351
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,600
and that's kind of the point.
352
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,240
For it's here that the
men of iron are forged
353
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,160
in the white heat
of hostage rescue training.
354
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,920
The smith - Tommy Gascaul,
355
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,360
an SAS veteran. He's served in
war zones around the world.
356
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,400
What's that tattoo?
Is that, erm, Gerry Adams?
357
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,640
It's Jesus. Oh, great.
358
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,440
It's worth mentioning that,
like all SAS officers,
359
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,520
if he got into a fight with James
Bond actor Daniel Craig,
360
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,560
he would BATTER him.
361
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,080
Craig may look hard but it's
purely down to stunt doubles
362
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,200
and camera angles.
363
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,040
Er, Tommy, let's talk turkey.
364
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,880
Today I'm going to be taking
part in a hostage recovery exercise.
365
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,200
Correct.
366
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,840
Hostage rescue is one of the core
disciplines of the SAS.
367
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,760
We do it, and we do it better
than anyone else.
368
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,800
Just try telling
that to the Navy Seals.
369
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,440
Well, they love applauding
themselves. Like real seals!
370
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:50,920
My fave, got to be the storming of
the Iranian Embassy in '80.
371
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,200
Hands down, my most-played VHS.
372
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,280
Well, that's an unusual one. Most of
what we do doesn't
373
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,720
end up on the telly.
374
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,880
Shame. I would love to see a
high-stakes version of
375
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,960
It's a Knockout, with live ammo.
376
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,600
I'd love to see
the Royal version of that.
377
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,360
Tommy, guns.
378
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,600
Yeah, well, choice of weaponry is
going to vary
379
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,200
depending on the mission. For
demonstration purposes we keep
380
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,120
a cache of ex-service weapons here.
381
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,920
This is the 7.62 SLR.
382
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,720
Self-loading rifle. Safety on?
383
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,440
Reliable and accurate. I like her.
She's got a nice feel.
384
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,200
Standard issue from the 1950s right
through to the Falklands.
385
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,640
Before it was replaced by the SA80.
386
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,520
Correct.
She's a cheeky little minx.
387
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,880
And then there's the 762 GPMG.
388
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,520
General purpose machinegun.
389
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,280
Clear. Crystal.
390
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,760
Yeah, you used these in Afghanistan.
391
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,680
And I don't mean for target
practice on goats.
392
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,320
Although that will have happened,
too. We don't shoot goats.
393
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,480
Yeah, and why should you?
394
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,320
I mean, what goat shouts "Allah
Akhbar" before causing mayhem?
395
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,040
Although, when they bleat,
it can sound like that.
396
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,800
I'm sure the demise of many a goat
has been at the hands
397
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,680
of a nervous, trigger-happy
squaddie.
398
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,680
We don't shoot goats.
399
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,560
Do you want me to take that for you?
Nah.
400
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,080
Yeah.
401
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,320
Target is an Al-Qaeda cell.
402
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,040
Four terrorists are in the building.
403
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,680
In addition,
they have as many as four hostages.
404
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,040
Your mission is to recover
the hostages.
405
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,760
We're in two teams.
406
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,200
A Team led by Danny will
secure the perimeter.
407
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,040
B Team today will include Alan.
408
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,160
Lads.
409
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,920
B team will enter
the building through
410
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,120
the door on the White Aspect.
411
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:25,520
The hostages are being held
on the far side of the Blue Aspect.
412
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,240
Any questions? Sir?
413
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,760
Alan. Recommend we use
night-vision capability.
414
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,680
It's 1300 hours. So, no.
415
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:32,840
Copy that.
416
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,040
Questions?
417
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,760
OPEN DOOR RIGHT!
418
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,480
YELLING OFF-SCREEN
419
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,920
I've got the rear!
Open door left! Come with me.
420
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,240
I've got the rear!
421
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,800
Open door right!
422
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,640
I've got the rear!
423
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,960
VOICEOVER: Special forces
experts agree
424
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,920
it's important to guard the rear.
425
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,160
Partridge, with me!
426
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,160
This was my signal.
A gauntlet thrown down.
427
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,240
We know eagle's dare,
but does a Partridge?
428
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,400
Left side clear! Right side clear!
Room clear!
429
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,400
Hold!
430
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,040
Did you see that?
431
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,880
Did YOU see that?
432
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,000
Thanks, mate.
433
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,800
So, how do you think you did?
Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good.
434
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,720
Well, you discharged your firearm
correctly. Very neat and tidy.
435
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,760
Yeah, I was a sixer in the Cubs.
436
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,560
Right, well, let's have
a look at the video, shall we?
437
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,320
Yeah, this fourth shot.
What's this stance?
438
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,080
You're presenting a very wide
target.
439
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,120
That is a recognised
shooting stance.
440
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,240
Where have you seen that before?
441
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,880
The opening sequence
of the James Bond films.
442
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,920
CHUCKLING OFF-SCREEN
Right, yeah. Cos me and the boys
443
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,040
were wondering, "Where the hell has
he got that from?"
444
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,600
I told you, it was from the opening
sequence of the James Bond films.
445
00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:00,120
Yeah. Straight away I can see
a fundamental problem.
446
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,760
Your first two shots? Er, yeah.
447
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,720
Double tap, centre of the torso.
Pretty good.
448
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,200
You've killed a hostage.
449
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,800
Oh, Alan...
450
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,760
Terrorist, unharmed.
451
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,680
Hostage, dead.
452
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,040
Terrorist, unharmed.
453
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,880
Hostage, dead.
454
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,160
Terrorist, unharmed. Unharmed.
455
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,000
Hostage, dead.
ALAN SIGHS
456
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,560
That makes four unharmed
terrorists... Yeah.
457
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,000
..and four hostages... Yep.
..killed.
458
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,960
That is sub-optimal. We would call
it a catastrophic failure.
459
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,200
I mean, why did you shoot this guy?
460
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,160
This is an Islamic terrorist cell.
461
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,120
This guy's clearly a Sikh.
462
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:40,880
Oh, come on, I mean, pfff...
463
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,080
Do you know many Muslims
that wear turbans?
464
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,960
Sinbad the Sailor?
465
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,600
Catastrophic failure.
Wait a second.
466
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,240
I was charged with
incapacitating four targets,
467
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,680
and recovering four persons,
468
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,200
which, to be fair, I did do.
469
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,560
The only twist was...
470
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,000
That you saved four terrorists
and killed four hostages.
471
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,040
Precisely.
472
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,280
I mean that's a good shot!
473
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,280
Alan Partridge,
giving it both barrels there.
474
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,000
Absolutely, Jennie. Even though
assault rifles are single-barrelled.
475
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,360
Er, but that wasn't the end of
your day there, was it?
476
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,840
Er, No. They took me off
for a mock interrogation
477
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,320
but I don't want to talk about that.
478
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,720
Why not?
479
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,320
Found it really upsetting. Yeah.
480
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,000
It started as a mock interrogation
481
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:31,040
but turned into a mock execution,
which got very real, very quickly.
482
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,440
Now. Fizz, Bubbly, Bolly
483
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,920
and Champers might sound like
484
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,720
the names of Kirsty Allsopp's
bridesmaids
485
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,400
but they're actually
all nicknames for Champagne.
486
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,640
And with party season in full swing,
we thought we'd mix it up
487
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,640
with a look at Champagne cocktails
488
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,880
that are sure to get your corks
a-popping.
489
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:54,400
Listeners to North Norfolk Digital
will know her as Norfolk's foremost
490
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,840
wine expert, and people say,
491
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,480
"You've interviewed her before, why
are you interviewing her again?"
492
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,960
Simple. I like her personality,
493
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,800
and, if you bear with her for two
minutes, I guarantee you will, too.
494
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,040
Please welcome the Molotov cocktail
of cocktails, Rosie Witter.
495
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,720
Thank you for having me.
SHE CHUCKLES
496
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,040
Always a pleasure.
497
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:15,520
And, speaking of Molotov cocktails,
we've really seen an explosion,
498
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,240
haven't we, in the popularity of
cocktails? That's lovely.
499
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,760
Well, I think cocktails were viewed
by people as, um, something
500
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,680
out of reach, really. Mm. But these
days we're seeing cocktails
501
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,920
served in every kind of bar. Yeah.
Anyone can have a cocktail.
502
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,600
Now, I was staying in a very
low-budget hotel and they had
503
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,040
menus with photographs of the
cocktails for people who can't read.
504
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,280
So... And there's so much choice
now, as well, isn't there?
505
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,320
I mean, when people say to me
"I don't like cocktails",
506
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,440
I just think, "Well,
you've not found the right one!"
507
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,560
SHE CHUCKLES
508
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,800
Yeah. Or maybe, they just don't like
waiting 20 minutes for a drink.
509
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,800
As soon as you see the barman
reaching for a pestle and mortar,
510
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,680
you think,
"I should have got a pint."
511
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,520
Now, today we're talking
Champagne cocktails. Yes.
512
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,360
They all look amazing. Mm.
I'll have to pace myself.
513
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,120
Couple of those and I'll be
dozing off on the sofa. No!
514
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,280
THEY CHUCKLE
I think you'd go the other way!
515
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:04,360
Way back when maybe! No, not manic.
You know, just the normal,
516
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,720
demure Jennie but, er, with a bit
more pizzazz. You know, throwing
517
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,160
shapes on the dance floor, laughing
your head off at things you'd
518
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,440
ordinarily find offensive,
smoking fags, pinching bums.
519
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,520
I'm much too boring for all of that.
Me, too.
520
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,280
Yeah, it was more Jennie.
521
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,720
I love the top by the way!
Very sparkly. Thank you!
522
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,320
Yeah, is that Marks & Spencer?
523
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,200
Yes.
You bought it to wear on the show?
524
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,560
Yes. They're getting quite bold,
aren't they, with all this gubbins?
525
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:30,160
Sprinkling fairy dust over, er,
middle age, and about time, too.
526
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,080
So, talk us through these cocktails.
527
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,720
Right, well, let's start with
528
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,400
a British twist
on a Champagne cocktail.
529
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,440
It's a pumpkin and spiced rum
cocktail giving...
ALAN SLURPS LOUDLY
530
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,480
..a feel of an English autumn,
so perfect for Halloween parties.
531
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,120
And how! I can imagine my ex-wife
532
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,200
turning into a witch
after a few of these,
533
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,960
or when she was stone-cold
sober to be honest,
534
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,640
which was partly me.
535
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,240
There's spiced rum in there,
536
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,040
pumpkin puree, lemon juice,
saffron syrup, prosecco,
537
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,680
all served over crushed ice.
538
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,360
Oh, it really is lovely.
Very autumnal.
539
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,200
It's like a warm hug
with a bit of a chill.
540
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,040
Jennie's absolutely right,
it really is like fizzy soup.
541
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,520
Now, this one.
It's called White Diamond.
542
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,320
Mm! Perhaps another
one of Kirsty Allsopp's bridesmaids.
543
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:12,800
THEY LAUGH
544
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,120
Did you have a drink
before you came on?
545
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:19,160
Try that. It's Champagne...
Mm! ..er, lime cordial,
546
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:23,200
big slug of Cointreau... Oh!
..white grape juice, and egg white.
547
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,080
Mm! Like, poached egg?
548
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,760
Oh, no, no. It's raw.
549
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,200
For God's sake, Rosie! What?
550
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,160
You can't eat raw egg.
It's a raw egg, Rosie!
551
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,280
It's a common ingredient. Yes.
Just a disclaimer.
552
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,080
Please, please
don't try this at home!
553
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,960
Rosie's attempted it here
but in controlled conditions,
554
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,720
with first aiders on hand.
Please, please cook your eggs!
555
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,400
Be safe. Be egg-safe.
556
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,840
Rosie, Rosie, let me pick your brain
erm, because me and my mum,
557
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:49,520
we always go to Queens
for the tennis...
558
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,760
I like this one. ..erm, the first
cocktail afternoon of the summer.
559
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,640
What would you make for that?
560
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,840
It'd have to be
a Rosemary Champagne Fizz.
561
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,880
Oh! So, gin, grapefruit,
and Champagne.
562
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,360
It's...it's English,
it's fun, it's summer!
563
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,000
Those are the new cocktails,
but what about the classics?
564
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,000
Rosie, what do you think is the most
popular cocktail in Britain?
565
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,200
Espresso Martini?
566
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,800
Alan, what do you think?
567
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,640
Mind's gone blank. Shandy?
568
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,320
Well, er, we hit the streets
of Nottingham
569
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,560
to find out which came out on top.
570
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,040
OFF-SCREEN: And we're off!
571
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,280
That was great. Oh! Really, it's OK.
I'm really sorry.
572
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:26,480
Smells of stuffing.
573
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:27,720
Oh, it's you.
574
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,760
Just to say, I've looked into
the annual reports...
575
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,080
Mm-hm. ..and it turns out Jennie
earns slightly more than you.
576
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:38,360
OK. OK. It's to do with the way
the deal is structured.
577
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,320
It's an accounting quirk. OK.
578
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,760
It's only about £200 but it just
means she's higher than you
579
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,600
in the list of BBC's
best-paid presenters.
580
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,960
OK. OK.
581
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,480
Are you OK? OK. OK. I'm OK. OK.
So, you're in a bit of a pickle.
582
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,520
You want more but you don't want to
complain,
583
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,760
because women got a bit
big for their boots...
584
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,920
Yeah, all right, Lynn.
That's...that's for the car.
585
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,640
But thanks for the intel.
Have a white sparkle. Thank you.
586
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,000
OFF-SCREEN: OK, places people.
587
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,480
ALAN: You like egg, don't you?
588
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,280
OFF-SCREEN: And we're back
in five, four...
589
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,360
So, there we have it.
590
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:14,200
The mojito is Britain's favourite
cocktail, and, Rosie,
591
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,480
you're making us one
to end the show. I am.
592
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,960
Now, the secret to a good mojito
is not to overdo the mint.
593
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,680
So, it's lime juice, sugar,
a little mint.
594
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,000
They're already in the shaker...
Go on, make it, then!
595
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,600
..and, yes, a handful of ice,
596
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,040
and a good slug of r-u-u-u-u-um!
597
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,360
Ooh! I love rum.
598
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:34,920
And, then, you give it a good shake!
599
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,280
Stop looking at me!
JENNIE CHUCKLES
600
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:47,880
You certainly gave that what for!
601
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,760
Would you like to have a go, Alan?
No, not me.
602
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,480
I never know where to look
when I do that sort of thing.
603
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,840
It requires a certain kind of
confidence.
604
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,480
That, for whatever reason,
I don't have.
605
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,280
That's why I don't play the maracas.
606
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,360
Give it here.
607
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:04,120
HE SIGHS
608
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,360
All right.
609
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,200
HE CHUCKLES
610
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,480
Stiff. It's loosening.
It's very stiff.
611
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,640
Have you got it?
HE GROANS
612
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,800
HE LAUGHS
All right?
613
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,320
Take my jacket.
614
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,640
Thank you.
615
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,400
HE WHIMPERS
616
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,520
HE WAILS
617
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,480
HE WHIMPERS
618
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,640
Oh! Oh! Well done!
619
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,320
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
620
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,160
I don't know...
I don't know why I did that.
621
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,360
Rosie, thank you very much
for joining us. that was great.
622
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,120
It was great. It WAS really great.
623
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,080
What are you doing with my jacket?
624
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,320
Sorry for bollocking you before
about the raw egg thing.
625
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,840
But don't do that again.
626
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,600
Oh, and I believe Simon
has an email. Simon?
627
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,960
Yes, I do! I do indeed. Good.
Yes. Good. It is from...
628
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,680
Should we go sit on the sofas?
Here he comes.
629
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,560
It is from Kit Cranley
in Northampton who says
630
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,720
"Could you kindly refrain
from using the title
631
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:11,800
"Winning Formula in relation to any
potential Lewis Hamilton project?
632
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,880
"Winning Formula is the registered
title of a one-man show
633
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:19,120
"I've written about
the development of WD40."
634
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:21,760
Keep it. Keep it.
I'll just call it Hamilton.
635
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,480
Oh, no, that's taken. Lewis, then.
636
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,920
That's the Inspector Morse
spin-off, I think.
637
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,680
Could just call it Car Man.
That's an opera.
638
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:32,120
And, speaking of opera, it seems
that's all we have time for
639
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:33,960
because the fat lady has sung.
640
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,880
And that is why they pay HER
the big bucks.
641
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,080
Yeah. She does get big bucks,
642
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,480
and I am actually cool...
really cool about that.
643
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,280
I mean it, I'm glad that you get
paid more, Jennie.
644
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:44,880
I do. I am glad.
645
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,760
And, Simon, you... I'm going to make
sure they pay you a bit more. Ooh!
646
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,000
They didn't even let him have
the day off for that funeral.
647
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:52,280
Who was it? My grandad.
648
00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:53,840
Your real grandad?
649
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:55,280
My adopted grandad.
650
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:56,920
Oh, yeah, well. Meh.
651
00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:00,160
I had a grandad. And I'm afraid
we will have to leave it there...
652
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,800
Grandad Graham. ..for tonight.
Simon?
653
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,440
Yes, um, join us again tomorrow.
654
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:06,880
Goodnight. Goodnight.
655
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,520
Grandad?
54021
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