All language subtitles for Groomed.2021

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[Gwen] The dream
starts like this.

I see myself getting
out of the water

and I see somebody,
I can't see it very clearly,

but I see a person
from the back.

I follow him.

And then I see a lot of people

standing
in the communal showers.

Nobody is looking at me.

There's a little hallway
with four bathroom stalls.

After those four
regular bathroom doors,

there's a big door.

From the moment
I opened the door,

it's like things
moved really quickly.

[water running]

At that moment,
I see just a lot of blood.

It's everywhere and I panicked.

How can something
that wasn't scary at the time

be so scary later?

Like, how can I wake up
at night now being terrified,

even though back then
it was like,

"All right, let's go into the
shower. Let's just do this."

My mom
always called me "Waterrat."

Literally, It'd be a water rat.

That's somebody
who just always wants

to be in the water.

I always loved swimming,
I was always in the water.

I grew up in a small town
in Southern Holland,

in what I would call
a very normal family.

I had loving parents,
I had an older brother.

One of my favorite memories
growing up

was getting together for Easter

and it'd be the whole family

and we would do
this Eastern egg hunt

and I would always try
to beat my cousins,

usually not successfully
cause I was the smallest.

I was the youngest one
in the family.

My childhood was loving,
it was happy.

It was comfortable.

Yeah.

The first memory I have,

we were biking to a swim camp.

I would bike
and he would bike next to me,

and it was very clear
that his focus

was entirely on me.

And that felt really nice.

[alarm goes off]

He was an adult
that was swimming on my team,

but would also coach us
when the head couch was out.

"And I just thought, " Wow,
why is this big swimmer,

this cool guy, that everybody
has respect for...

why does he put so much emphasis

on getting to know me?

"And why is he asking me
all these questions?"

I just felt
like he really cared,

and he became my best friend.

There were moments
where I was afraid of him,

but most of the time I wasn't

and that just feels off.
That feels weird.

It feels like if somebody
hurts you,

you should be afraid of them

and you should be angry
at them afterward.

So, when you don't feel anger
and you don't feel...

like you were afraid of them

then it must not be
something that was wrong.

It's not logical.

[starts crying]

My boyfriend, actually, he said,

"I think you need
to not run away from it

and really try to face it."

Actually, what a lot of people
don't realize is how much traumatic is

with something
that happens so long ago.

Well, even 18 years later,

almost every week that
something happens that, like,

triggers some, like,
tears or even panics.

[Gwen] I know I need help.
So I started calling experts.

[phone rings]

Thank you for making the time
to chat. Hey, how are you?

He was both an older teammate

and then he would swap in
for the coach.

So he would get me
gifts and cards and letters,

and he would say,
"Gosh, you... I know you're 11,

but you're actually 18
in the way that you behave."

And after hearing my story,
they all said the same thing.

It's classic grooming.

I started thinking,
"What's this grooming thing?"

I feel like it's something that
I really need to understand.

[Oprah] Most kids are molested
by people that they trust.

Either a family member
or a close friend.

That is how it happens,

and the grooming
is what makes it possible.

I liked him

and I would tell him
I liked him,

and I liked the attention.

He makes the child feel
that the child is a part of it.

[Gwen] I thought
that because I liked him

it wasn't really abuse.

But maybe it was.

Confusion is actually
the biggest thing

that keeps people powerless.

After learning about grooming,

I was, first of all,
really angry.

[Gwen] Why had I never heard
from this before?

Why don't we all know
about this?

So I decided that I wanted
to make a film.

This is what I need to do,
and this is a story

that I can tell
because I went through it.

[man] Okay, let me know
when you're good.

Hey, Barbi.

[man] And it's all yours.

What happened when you learned
what grooming was?

[Barbi]
When I learned about grooming,

I started really reflecting back

and remembering,

"wow, like, all these incidents

that I thought
were joyful and fun, he...

he was grooming me.

He was setting me up
for this abuse.

I think he targeted me

because he could spot
my desire to please.

It was hard for me
to express myself

and I never really felt
like I fit in.

I was really quiet.

I really kept to myself.

I think I was always quiet
and sort of reserved,

and always had, like, a book
that I would be reading.

My parents fought constantly

about finances
and lack of money.

That constant emotional
upheaval within the house

made me feel very vulnerable.

What I started to realize
is that what happened to me

wasn't the exemption,
it was the rule.

[Andy] I would suggest you
consider proxy clarification

and what happens
is you take the victim,

have an offender match them
who's really in recovery

and have them
just have a conversation.

There's a woman who called
me one day after I did a workshop

and she said,

"Could you hook me up with
one of these proxy clarifications?"

We did it,

and 'til she died,
I got a card every year

and the essence
of what she said was,

"I felt responsibility,

like, almost
a physical sensation of it

lifting from me,

and I finally felt
free at last."

[man] Up and here you go.

Okay.

This is file 1.
Mark, cameras A and B.

Okay, give me
about 30 seconds in here.

[Gwen] Okay, it's good? Awesome.

What are the steps
that you go through

when you would groom a child?

[Dennis] Well, I was
very confident in my grooming.

I was very confident

that I could make a kid like me.

First of all, you have
to pick the right child.

You know, the one you
feel most comfortable with.

The one that you heard things
about him in the family,

that's may be having
a hard time.

"Who do I think I could train?"

I was very trusting.

- Insolated.
- Alone.

Quiet.

On my own a little bit.

[Gwen] I was
an insecure little girl.

My body language probably
showed up a little bit.

I was really struggling
with who I was,

why were my friends
not accepting me.

I was really looking
for somebody

that cared for me.

[Jim] Can you spot
the sex offender?

Is it Mr. Businessman here
or is it Deathroll tall guy?

The answer is yes, no,
both, maybe, I don't know.

So, how does a sex offender
groom a victim?

Adolescent female victims
tell us,

"He was my best friend."

"I'm going to do things
and buy things for you."

"I'm going to send you cards,

I'm going to give you
little bracelets

or I'm going to send you
flowers.

I'm going to give you things."

[Gwen] As you were talking,
I was remembering

the letters and the cards
that he would give me,

and it almost felt like
you were telling my story.

Guess I always viewed him
as somebody who just made

a little misstep

and he just happened
to fall in love with me

at the wrong time.

[Jim] If the offender
has done their job grooming,

it's going to feel like,
"I was special to him."

You know, you are one of many
who are special to him.

- That's the issue.
- Do you think that?

From what I know about your
case, I can almost assure you

there were other victims
out there.

Absolutely other victims.

His grooming process
was very smooth.

Very smooth.

You mentioned you have letters,

I think that if we look
at those letters,

that we're going to see
that that process

is very well done.

You don't get to be
that good at it by accident.

[Jim] You get to be that good
at it through practice.

I've always firmly believe
it was just me.

That he would never do this
to someone else,

and I've never really thought

about there being other victims.

[Gwen] And it changes the story.

So, I'm considering
potentially going to Holland

to talk to my family
and maybe talk to the police.

Your family knows nothing?

[Gwen] When I was starting
to get all these dreams,

and I remembered
what had happened,

I actually told them.

[Jim] And how long ago was that?

That's when I was about 17.

- [Jim] Okay.
- So, long time ago.

- [Jim] So, where did that happened?
- The "where."

So we had one conversation
at night,

and I remember my dad
running out on the street

with a baseball bat and he was
like, "I'm going to kill him."

And, like, so, so, so angry.

And then we never
talked about it again.

The location
while thinking about this

is going to be
a heck of a trigger.

Expect to be affected a lot.

[Gwen] I'm going to Holland,
actually, in two days.

It makes me very nervous,
cause on the one hand,

I feel a lot of conviction
and I feel a lot of power

and, like, I need to go
do this and I need to,

you know, make sure that
there's no other people and...

But then there's
other days when I think,

"But I don't want
to mess up his life.

What if he's married?"

I've got no idea where he is.
I don't know anything

about what has happened to him.

I have not said his name
in 20 years.

I've never been able
to look him up,

I've never... I don't know.

It's like a physical block.

But I need to cause I do want
to know before I go.

I want to have
a little bit of information.

I'm really afraid
to see a picture.

I don't... I really don't want
to see his face.

I really don't know
if I want to.

[sighs]

I can't even...
I don't want to see it.

[sighs]

[sighs]

He showed up.

[starts crying harder]

It makes you want to throw up.

I don't know. I guess I
started questioning it again

and start thinking,
"was it just me? Was it..."

"Did you not do anything wrong?"

Yeah, I just want to make sure
it doesn't happen again

to other people.

[Harriet] You have to organize

and accept the disorganization
about what you feel.

In that case, it's a step.

It's progress.

[Gwen] After 20 years,
the memories of my childhood

are just messy and blurry
and incomplete.

I want to have a better
picture of what happened.

Mostly I'm going to go to
Holland to speak with my family

after so many years of silence.

This is the one thing

that feels like it's
still standing in between us.

I am going to look
for the letters.

They should all be
in this little cabinet.

But is possible
my parents found them

at some point
and threw them out.

I want to report publicly
if I can do it.

It's still something
that I'm not sure of.

I think it depends
on the conversations

I'm going to have.

It's going to depend
on the letters,

it's going to depend
on how I feel in the moment.

[Asia] He also
groomed my family.

Like, for example, he asked
my dad for piano lessons.

He had a sister
into our dance club.

And I asked my mom
recently, I was like,

"Why did you
let me go with him?"

Like, "He was a man."

Like, "Didn't you think
it was weird that some man

wanted to spend time
with your 5-year-old?"

And she was like,
"No, you wanted to go,"

and you were so happy.

"You know, I didn't think
anything was going on."

Like, he didn't set off
that vibe.

He didn't set off
on a pedophile vibe.

Always having priests
come to our home

was like Jesus Christ himself
was in our house.

[Keith] He infiltrated our
family structure in such a way.

I mean, my parents
went to confession to him.

He knew
what all their sins were.

[Gwen] This is May, '97.

So that's right about
when he first saw me.

This was my group,
I mean, my class,

they were kind of bullying me,

and I was really unhappy
in this period.

They always called me,
like, "Sheep. Dork."

But the last day of school,
we had like a little party

and there was a song popular
at the time

that was called, "Girl,
you are as ugly as the night,"

and they started
playing that song

and then they all...

They've thought about it,
clearly.

Cause they all,
like, went to the back

and kind of, like, moved,

so I would be the only one
in the middle of the room

and then everybody would be
in a circle around me

and started pointing
and singing the song.

And it was so mean,
it's like so...

I don't know.
I'll never forget that moment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm going to go upstairs

and see if the letters
that he kind of wrote me

like 20 years ago are upstairs.

And I don't know
if they're there,

and I don't know
what's going to be in them

if they're there and...

I'm actually nervous to see
if there's stuff in there

that I don't remember

and I think there's
pictures there too.

So they're in that
bottom drawer, I think.

This one's empty.
That's bad news.

I'm afraid that they
threw them out.

Oh, my God, it's all empty.

They cleaned it out,
it's all gone.

[sighs]

Can I take a moment?

[starts crying]

I don't know if I want
to read them now.

I'm worried
that it's going to confuse me.

It's going to confuse me.

I'm worried that it's going
to say all these nice things

and then...

and I'm going
to question it again.

[exhales]

This one's really short. But...

[man voice] "Dear Gwen,

I've known you
for two and a half years now.

You know that most of the time

I've had very special
feelings for you.

That I would do
anything for you.

That you can come to me
with anything,

no matter how big
or small the problem,

I want to solve
everything for you.

Gwenny,
look at your beautiful eyes,

your sweet, beautiful,
innocent face.

Put your soft arms around me.

Surrender
to what you're feeling.

It wasn't just that little ass

that caused my little spark.

Also that playful wrestling
made my desire grow.

"The thought of you
makes my whole body tremble."

It's so gross. It's so gross!

[man voice] "I just want
to wake up next to you"

in a single bed
on Sunday morning.

I just want to take off

"your blue lingerie
with my teeth."

[Gwen] I remember liking
what was in them,

now I'm disgusted about them.
But I remember thinking,

"It's so great all these
things that he's talking about."

Like, "You're so beautiful,
you're so..."

"When you do this with your
mouth, you're so bla, bla, bla."

"The way you do this,
you look so cute.

You look so innocent.
You look so..."

It's disgusting.

Back then, I would read them,
and I would think,

"Oh, somebody likes me."
You know?

First of all, he would send me
postcards like this.

And he's an idiot. He clearly
didn't know what he was doing.

You wouldn't write
all these stuff on paper

with dates on them

if you knew what the hell
you were doing.

I don't think he knew that he
was doing something wrong.

He doesn't. He still doesn't.

And that makes me sad.

It's like, it's just
a sad soul that, like,

fell in love with an 11-year-old

and now I'm going ruin
his life for it.

That doesn't feel right,
you know?

[Dennis] It starts from
the moment they get there.

When they get to my house,
I'm grooming.

To build a trusted relationship.

I'm showing her more affection,

I'm holding her.

You know, I want her
to be my best friend,

that's what I want.

I always loved my uncle,

'til 20 years later
when I had my best memory.

He was special to me.

[Barbi] They would buy me gifts,

they would take me
to feed the ducks.

My uncle would let me
play on his CB radio,

and he would let me go in there

and I would be this big girl

sitting in the seat

with the microphone
in front of me

and he even gave me a CB name,
he called me, "Baby face."

Just imagine how it would be
if the one who's grooming you

is of your own family

and very much liked
by your father and mother

or it is even
your father and mother.

How complicated is that?

To me, my dad was my hero,

so, like, I wanted
to be like him.

I always thought
that he was smart

and like, that he made
something of himself.

He kind of seemed
like a father figure to me.

[Nicole] He was around 65.

He would take me privately
into the back

and ask me how I was doing.

You know, what my opinions were,

how I was doing in school.

He would make me special meals.

He was affectionate.

[Dennis]
I would show the affection.

First thing when she got
out of the car,

I'd be there to greet her,

hug her and hold her.
I almost never left her.

She was my girlfriend to me,
you know?

Rather than a little kid.

When she came in my room,
I'd be on my computer.

"Come on, sit on my lap.
You can play the computer."

You know?

"I don't let anybody else
play it,

but I'll let you play it."

Well, I definitely
was clearly his favorite.

He bought me some fragrances.

- He gave me a ring.
- Lotions.

- Flowers.
- Money.

- Jewelry.
- Perfumes.

Ice cream.

Plane tickets.

[Dennis] I was a con artist,

and I was constantly putting
thoughts on their head.

You know, I guess you
can call it brainwashing.

I guess it is brainwashing.

That's what it was
all about, you know?

I was getting what I want.
You know, they loved me.

I knew that I had
to make them think

I was the greatest grandpa
in the world.

Did you, like, have code words

with your abuser

that meant something special
to you and him?

[Gwen] There was this thing
which I had forgotten about,

but it came back
through the letters

where nine is my lucky number
and he...

kind of made it
his lucky number too

and there is
so many references to that,

so that became like a thing.

And then
when I was googling him,

what I found was that he
started a company...

Don't tell me it had nine in it.

- [Gwen] With nine in it.
- Oh.

[Gwen] Something
that was meaningful...

- That only you and him would recognize.
- [Gwen] Right.

Talk about being groomed,
like...

It's just unbelievable
the depth of it

- and how intricate it all became.
- [Gwen] Yes.

You think it's about you,
it probably isn't.

It's kind of hard to admit,

especially if you're still

in a very vulnerable place,
to say,

"Oh, that guy
who was saying I'm so special,

"yeah, he's a criminal. I'm actually
not that special." That sucks.

The letters, the gifts,
the many bike rides home.

He had become
a huge part of my life.

But the crazy thing is,
after I left the swim team,

I completely forgot
that any of it ever happened.

It's fascinating how the
minds can just block out

what's too painful to remember,

but then five years later,

when I had my first boyfriend,

I started to have nightmares.

Every night I was in the
shower, I didn't recognize.

It was months later
before I realized

that those dreams
were actually a memory.

And when it finally all
became clear,

I wrote him a letter.

I said,
"I'm not going to report you,

but I want you to seek help."

And, at some point,
I was walking the dog.

We were walking here

and suddenly he had this red car

and he just parked it.
Like this.

In front of me and got out
of the car, and I...

That's only the second time

that I was ever
really scared of him

and he just gets out and says,

"I got your letter",
and he said,

"You know that's a lie.
You know this was real love."

And he turned around,

went back into his car
and drove off.

And that's the last time
I've ever seen him,

but I remember in that moment
when he got out of the car

I thought I was dead.

[Harriet] So you can see how
feeling sorry for the person,

and also doubting,
"maybe it was pure love."

Of course you can confuse them.

[Gwen]
So I'm starting to wonder,

"Do I want to report
my offender or do I not?"

And part
of why it's so difficult

is, "Oh, maybe
it wasn't a big deal,"

and, you know,
"I was... I never said no.

I feel complicit."

"Do I really want
to ruin his life?"

[Dennis] Right. Well,

he was very good at grooming

because he groomed you
to think that.

It puts a lot of confusion,
I think, in my mind

because then I think,

"He didn't realize it was wrong.

He made a mistake,

maybe I shouldn't throw him
under the bus."

But, you know,
you saying things like,

"It's not going to stop."

- Like, if you're...
- [Dennis] Right.

You know, his sense of sexuality

is fully developed at that age,

he's not going to suddenly
not be attracted to kids,

that's not going to end.

[Dennis] Oh, no.
I mean, it's not natural.

24-year-old

wants to get together
with a 12-year-old?

Not unless he gets caught,
it won't end.

Cause I know me.

You know, I might have stopped
for a while,

but sooner or later

I would've found the right kid.

My opinion, end it.
You'll feel better.

[music]

[music]

[typing]

[music]

[Gwen] The first time

I remember something happening.

We were at a camp
with the swim team

and at some point
we were in a jacuzzi.

Three or four kids
were sitting on one side

and he and I were sitting
on the other side.

And we were just having
a conversation,

we were having fun.

We were just talking about
what 12-year-olds talk about.

When he first touched me
I thought he made a mistake.

I thought
he just touched me somewhere

where he wasn't supposed to

but that was because his hand
was there by accident.

And then he kept going.

And I remember
just being really confused.

But I was trapped,

and I remember sitting there
with a blank face

and making sure
that nobody would see

because I didn't want
to get him in trouble.

And that was the first time
I vividly remember

not wanting
to get him in trouble.

They had to specifically know
what physically happened,

and they were really validating.

It doesn't matter what you said

or what you thought
or how you felt,

how he felt, what he...
Doesn't matter.

He is wrong. Period.

And then there's
like a computer system

where they put all the dates
and his age

and his date of birth
or whatever,

what they know
and then it spits out the term

and, like,
the cite of limitation

and on most things

is like 5 years,
10 years, 20 years,

and this was like none.

There's none. This is wrong.

He should've, in, like,
a Dutch expression, he said...

[in Dutch]

When he should've been
the grown up here

and, like, understood
what he was doing

and no, not okay.

That was nice.

[music]

[Asia] Dear heavenly Father,
thank you Lord

and praise you
for watching over all of us

last night and this morning
at keeping us safe.

- [Voice on phone] Amen.
- [Asia] Amen.

♪ You're the heart
of my contentment ♪

♪ Hope for all I do ♪

♪ Jesus, you're the center
of my joy ♪

[Gwen] I wanted to ask you
if you would be comfortable

describing what happened,
where were you at

and what was going on.

Okay.

[Denis] After I get their trust

and I feel that I could do
almost anything with them,

I try to molest them.

[Asia] The first time
was at the church.

I go in the back office
to get the CDs,

he followed me.

And I was wearing these pants

that had the zipper in the back

and I'm bent overlooking for,

um, some CDs,

he then holds me down
and unzips the pants.

And, um...

Well yeah.

When he was done,

he told me to go clean myself up

because I was probably bleeding.

One of the FOC group practices

he told me it was going to be
at his house.

So I started playing and singing

and he was playing his organ

and pulling out different
sheet music to practice.

And then at one point
he pulled out

a pornographic magazine.

He told me
that that was my lucky day

and then at one point

I remember him grabbing me
by the back of my neck

and pushing myself down
on top of him and, uh...

I can remember feeling
like I was disconnecting

from my body.

Feeling
like I was dying in a way.

20 years after the abuse
I was walking with my son

through their part of the house

and I remember
smelling his cologne

and just wanting to throw up.

I had a flash
of my sister and me,

5-years-old, in his bed

and I see my little,
beautiful sister bouncing...

He's bouncing her
but on this area

and you just hear her
crying and crying.

[music]

[videocall ringing]

I'd call it
soul murder when you, um...

when you attack a child
and when you rape a child.

You leave the body intact,

but the soul could quite
possibly be killed,

destroyed, you know,

it totally changed the chemistry

in the child's brain,
they've proven.

Um, and you're not
the same person anymore

once that happens.

No.

[Gwen] Yeah, I definitely
started to get sick here already.

And then I think I lost
like 10-15 kilos after this.

"This afternoon on the boat
I was looking at my legs"

and I just saw
two enormous pieces of meat.

So enormous", it says.

And "So fat and so ugly."

So now I feel the need
to stop eating

to get skinny, really skinny.

No more needing to feel

how I can be judged
for everything I do,

for every move I make,
for every bite that I eat.

I want to be gone.

"Gone. Gone."

It's something I wrote
when I was anorexic.

It was like a 5 year, 6 year
or whatever process and...

But my therapist,
that's the one who...

The guy told me,
the psychologist,

psychiatrist, whatever,
and nothing worked

and then she kind of...

I feel like she just
understood me

and just listened to me
and tried to forget

about the eating all together

and just let go of that,

and of course we had to touch it

every now and then, but,

um, she was just like,

"It's not about that,"
and that gave me...

That made me trust her,

cause I felt like everybody

was just trying to stuff food
down my throat,

but she was trying to actually
understand what was going on.

"I want to be so skinny that
there's nothing left of me."

I was 75 pound,
could barely go to school,

and became too weak to swim.

[Keith] I was suffering
from anorexia.

My life was, you know,
spinning out of control

and, um, after the abuse ended,

everything just kind of rose
to the surface

so it resulted
in an eating disorder

and severe depression,

anxiety, you know,
night terrors, nightmares.

There was all this going on
in my life at that time.

It made me physically sick.

I've been in and out
of hospitals since then.

Things I can't really
explain except for stress.

I mean,
I was just in the hospital

for two weeks.

I mean, stress into stroke.

And I'm kind of young
for all that...

[Denis] After the molesting,

the big thing is use the trust

to keep her quiet.

This is secret,
don't tell anybody.

You don't want
to get grandpa in trouble.

Then I won't see you anymore.

You know,
we can't go and do things.

You know, and I build that up
a little bit more.

You know?

Uh, but getting somebody
to tell you something

that she hasn't told
anybody else

or he hasn't told anybody else

and then holding that,

you know, so that you know
that if you ever tell on me,

I'm going to tell on you.

I go back and forth
on everything,

he explicitly said,

"don't tell anyone,
you need to keep it a secret."

But it was...
It was just really clear

that it was supposed
to be a secret.

I don't know how I knew
or why I knew,

but I knew to not say anything.

[Barbi] Like,
why didn't I say anything?

They must've said
something to me

to convince me
not to say something.

They start with little secrets,

they're testing to see
if you'll keep the secret.

- Oh, interesting.
- So it might be

that he takes you some place

that you weren't supposed to go

or gives you a little tiny gift

that he can explain away
if it ever comes to light.

And so there's
this building up to secrecy.

You start with ones, you test.
"Okay, will he hold that one."

Then "will he hold that one?"
That's grooming. Straight up.

He started putting extra money
in my pay checks every week.

He would say, "Oh, just
don't tell anyone about this.

This is
just between me and you."

I just remember him
always saying

"Don't trust other people.

Don't talk to other people

about what happens
in the house."

My dad asked
why I didn't tell him...

I had to keep telling myself,
"Okay, I'm a good girl.

I'm a good girl.

I'm still a good girl,
it's okay.

I'm okay. I'll be okay."

But for some reason I just...

I felt like I shamed
the family somehow.

So I didn't want
to talk about it.

[typing]

Whoever is a sex offender
is going to deny.

They're great at lying,

they're the best at lying

and it's funny
because when I was younger

that's when I started lying.

"Did you do that?"
"No, I didn't do it."

As I went through life
it got easier, you know?

And it just got to be
a part of my being, I guess.

The part of me that is groomed

would expect him to be arrested,

go in and say,
"I'm so sorry that I hurt her."

I never intended to do so.

I really loved her,
cared for her,

and I'm so sorry to hear

"that this is the impact
that it's had on her."

That would be consistent
with the person that I saw

and the person that portrayer
care for me and love for me.

He is taking a stance
against me,

makes me see
a different side of him

and it's almost
like he's ungrooming me

in a way, it's making me see

he maybe more for what he is

versus how he portrayed himself

towards me for all those years.

That's just exactly
why it's good

to have the knowledge

of maybe you've seen two sides
of the person.

That helps.
That helps to clear confusion.

He doesn't even want to admit

to have sent me the letter,
are you kidding me?

[music]

I got pregnant as a result
of the abuse of my father.

Um...

I was 15.

He tried a natural remedy
for an abortion.

Aspirin mixed
with some other things

and that then
led to him taking me

to an abortion clinic

when I was pretty far along
in the pregnancy

and I was awake while
the procedure happened.

He even said,

"You should be thankful

that your dad brought you here,

there's not a lot of parents
who would do that."

Um...

That moment I think shaped

the beginning of me, like,

really separating
in a way from him.

He got a sentence of 20 years.

[Gwen] How did it feel
when he was convicted?

[Denis] I just got off of work,

it was 6 o'clock in the morning

and as I was driving home,

whoever was on back on me,
kept following me.

And I started to get nervous.

When I came around,
I pulled on my driveway,

in front of me there's
the state police.

Federal officers.

I'm like,
"How am I going to lie?

What am I going to say?"

I didn't even think
about what I did yet, I mean,

I did it, but now
I want to get out of it.

I sat down with my head
between my legs

and I though,
"My God what did I do?"

You know, "What's..."

I'm thinking of prison,

the bars and these crazy guys
that are there.

I mean, all these things
went through my head

and I get a call,

and I'm thinking
"Who is this now?"

I answered it

and it was
my step-granddaughter.

She's the one I molested.

She says, "Grandpa," you know,

"I'm sorry

that I had to get you
in trouble."

You know? I mean, see?

The lies I told her,

she was actually feeling
so much guilt

because of that.

You know,
she was apologizing for,

you know, doing the right thing.

I want to share something
with you

that happened this morning.

Um...

You're, like, the second person

that I'm telling,

and I got an e-mail this morning

completely out of nowhere
from a girl in the same team

who said,

"Are you talking
about this person?

Cause this happened to me."

And it just, I don't know.

It just broke my heart,
you know?

But I think
I've never been prouder

that I reported or proud
of anything I've done,

maybe, after when I got
that e-mail

I just thought
I did the right thing,

you know?

I would be interested
in hearing your process

of how you did that because
I've never reported anything.

I think for everybody
the process is different

and what is right is different.

I don't think there is an answer

for everybody that's the same.

But in my case, it was hard.

It was so hard to talk about it

and to go through the question.

They told me
that if this happened

it is a crime
and a really serious one.

[sobbing]

Now I feel
more motivated also to go

and appeal
and tell the prosecutor

that they're wrong. It's like,

"You've got to get this guy
off the street."

I didn't really
feel that before.

Before I was, "Oh, I didn't
validate me a little bit.

Maybe I didn't want
to take it seriously,

then you start feeling like,
doing it."

Now, I'm like "Go get this guy.

Go get him now."

I was told
that to have any chance

of reopening my case
I needed to do two things,

try to get DNA on the letters.

Even though the prosecutors

said they couldn't find any DNA,

try to find it,

and then try to get
a handwriting sample from him

to match to the writing
of the letters.

As a first step
I took the letters to a lab.

- Welcome.
- Nice to meet you, thank you.

- Follow me.
- Thank you.

[Gwen] We are looking
for a second opinion.

We have evidence
in the form of letters,

but they're not able to match
the suspect to the letters.

And so what we want
to try and see

is there really no DNA,

cause we still have
the stamp on the card.

Does that mean
that the stamp was no tested?

Would you take it out?

Usually if we would test
the stamp on DNA

then we would,
indeed take it out.

Especially
if it's an old letter,

maybe the person
who left the DNA licked it.

- Mm-hmmm.
- And it's well isolated

on the card so it would be one
of the best places to start.

So is my DNA
going to be all over?

Your DNA is definitely
going to be there

- if you touched it.
- Right.

So I think it would be best

if we take a reference sample
of you too.

It takes about four weeks
until we send the answer.

[typing]

[doorbell rings]

Hey.

[Gwen] Raimondo told me
it would probably

take a while before he would get

the right opportunity
to get a handwriting sample.

But in the meantime,

he found out that my offender

lives just five minutes away
from my parents house.

He had blacked out
all his windows.

He never married
and he doesn't have a family.

He found out that he remained

at the swim club for years
after I left,

and as recently
as three years ago

he was working at summer camps.

I'm a little nervous.

Well should I get straight
to the point then?

Yes. Let's do it the Dutch way
and get straight to the point.

Okay. So as we investigated

five of your letters
that you gave

and we found two profiles,
one female profile,

which was yours

and so there was one other
profile too.

And is it a male profile?

Unfortunately,
I'm not able to say

or disclose that

because of the regulation
with respect of privacy.

- Okay.
- Same profile

on three different items.

Yeah.

That's really good news.

Yeah.

It's a great result,

especially after such
a long time

that we were able
to find something.

It was rather quite
a clear profile.

It's really good news, so...

Yeah, I think
it's the best result

that you could've hoped for.

Thank you.

- Okay.
- Have a good day.

I have zero...
There's zero part of me

that feels bad for him.

Literally, there's nothing.

After weeks of surveillance,

Raimondo finally
had his opportunity

to try and get
the handwriting sample

we needed.

[music]

[Gwen] When I saw
the handwriting sample

that Raimondo was able to get

I was amazed
at how similar it was

to the handwriting
I had been so familiar with

as a little girl.

[music]

It feels a little bit
like a point in time

where I have now truly done
everything I can

and there's no possible move
for me to make

other than going
to the prosecutor and saying,

"This is everything we found."

Please take a look and see

"if you want to reopen the case."

That's all we can ask for.

I don't want him to be out there

and just be able to do
whatever he wants

and go to summer camps
just because nobody

is trying hard enough.

Now we have to wait and see.

[Denis] I'll probably
never stop crying about it,

but I understand
it a lot better.

I can't change the past
and what I did,

so if you're going
to evaluate me,

evaluate before you see now.

You know that kind of thing?

I want to be that better person

and I know I am,

but I still have
those thoughts, you know?

That I did do that.

Tell me how you're feeling.

And one thing
we talked about a lot

is the need to separate
the healing process

from the legal process.

That's one of the biggest
learnings I've had.

You know, if nobody validates me

and if he never goes to jail

or if he'd never gotten arrested

that doesn't mean
that I can't heal.

I feel better. I feel stronger.

Computer hug.

[Barbi] Okay, I've been
taking care of myself

and going to therapy
and everybody

that I'm close say, like,

"You just seem so much lighter."

Like I don't have
that weight on me.

I mean, I still...
There's days that are hard,

but generally speaking
just been able

to go through with it

and to tell you guys
and to share with you guys

my story
it's made such a difference.

It's just so powerful to feel
like you're not alone in it.

Thank you.

As the abuse ended,

I had a very difficult time

connecting with my own
first name, Keith

because my first abuser,
his name was Keith.

And so I used
my grandparent's name.

35 years I've been using
that name

and it's only recently

that I've been able
to feel more comfortable

with my name

and having been able
to integrate

full three names,
now I feel complete.

Now I use Keith Renard Brennen.

And feel comfortable with that.

I try to put myself
in a position

where childhood abuse,
that whole experience,

was the worst part of my life.

There seems to be
a future beyond

trying to outlive pain.

I mean, whether like
dream more about my life.

Music is my life.
For me is a second language.

I wrote "March on"

because I wanted to feel better.

♪ It hurts so bad ♪

♪ Dropping a melody
that lasted all night ♪

♪ I know that joy comes
in the morning light ♪

♪ So I march on to a new song ♪

♪ Cause something's marching
to all unwavering love ♪

♪ And I move on ♪

♪ And take no steps every day ♪

♪ Cause I know there
has got to be another way ♪

♪ And bright on day, ♪

♪ So I march on ♪

[Gwen] Thinking back
to how I was or felt

when I started
this whole process

and how I feel now,

it's a little bit like
there's a different person.

It used to be
this soup of confusion

of "I don't know if it's wrong,"

"I don't know what he..."
"Was I wrong?"

"Was he wrong?"
"Was it even wrong?"

"Is he a bad person"
"Is he a good person?"

"Is he nice?" "Is he not?"

"Is he going to do it again?"

That's... All those thoughts
were in my head all the time,

but now I know
that he was wrong,

and I wasn't.

[music]

♪ I thought it was nothing
more than a papercut ♪

♪ But it ripped me open
like an envelope ♪

♪ And I thought
I could stand the scars, ♪

♪ but I found myself
crumpled on the floor ♪

♪ Being cured
of all your letters with ♪

♪ I sled the darkness
stains on my soul ♪

♪ They won't wash away, ♪

♪ they just only fade ♪

♪ I let it fade ♪

♪ I smooth myself out ♪

♪ Don't let it get under
my skin no more ♪

♪ I let is fade ♪

♪ Until there's nothing
left but papercuts ♪

♪ You thought you had me
shred to pieces ♪

♪ But I put me
back together now ♪

♪ Stronger now
I'm good with love ♪

♪ It's like there's
nothing on me anymore ♪

♪ Being cured
of all your letters with ♪

♪ I sled the darkness
stains on my soul ♪

♪ They won't wash away, ♪

♪ they just only fade ♪

♪ I let it fade ♪

♪ I smooth myself out ♪

♪ Don't let it get under
my skin no more ♪

♪ I let is fade ♪

♪ Until there's nothing
left but papercuts ♪

♪ I let it fade ♪

♪ I smooth myself out ♪

♪ Don't let it get under
my skin no more ♪

♪ I let is fade ♪

♪ Until there's nothing
left but papercuts ♪

♪ I won't let it.
I won't let it ♪

♪ I won't let it
bring me down again ♪

♪ I won't let it ♪

♪ I won't let it ♪

♪ I won't let it
bring me down again ♪

♪ I let it fade ♪

♪ I smooth myself out ♪

♪ Don't let it get under
my skin no more ♪

♪ I let is fade ♪

♪ Until there's nothing
left but papercuts ♪

♪ I let is fade ♪

♪ Until there's nothing left
but papercuts ♪