Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:05,380
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:08,383
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:11,845
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,932
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,519
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,855
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,315
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,067
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:30,030
♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪
10
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,701
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DUDE.
11
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:35,953
DON'T PUT IT
IN YOUR NOSE.
12
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,538
IT BURNS LIKE HELL.
13
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,502
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
14
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:47,172
AS PRESIDENT OF THE QUAHOG
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
15
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,675
I'D LIKE TO THANK
THE SENIOR CENTER
16
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,552
FOR DECORATING OUR TREE.
17
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,264
(all cackling)
18
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,348
(bone cracks)
19
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:57,850
OOH, BROKE
MY HIP.
20
00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,977
LOOK, HONEY,
THERE'S THE MANGER
21
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,395
FOR THE CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT.
22
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,106
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE
CUTEST BABY JESUS EVER.
23
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,732
SO, YOU WANT TO DRESS ME UP
24
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,527
AND TROT ME ABOUT
LIKE A CIRCUS POODLE, HMM?
25
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,655
WELL, LET ME CONSULT MY AGENT,
MR. IRVING R. POINTY-STICK!
26
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,448
OH, STEWIE.
27
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,075
NO SWEETS
BEFORE DINNER.
28
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,326
MOM, I'M FREEZING.
29
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,411
CAN WE GO HOME?
30
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:18,745
IN A MINUTE.
31
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,498
WOULD YOU JUST LOOK
AT THIS BEAUTIFUL TREE?
32
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,667
EVERY YEAR
I LOOK UP AT THAT STAR
33
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,919
AND I THINK OF ALL
THE JOY AND WONDER
34
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,212
THAT CHRISTMAS
PROMISES.
35
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,089
AND THAT MIRACLE THAT OCCURRED
36
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:31,091
ON THAT SILENT WINTER'S NIGHT.
37
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,678
HEY, I'M ON VACATION!
38
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,847
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!
39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,015
♪ SEVEN MAIDS A-MILKIN'
40
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,308
♪ SIX MAIDS A-MILKIN'
41
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,602
♪ FIVE MAIDS A-MILK--
42
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,480
BRIAN, YOU'RE
NOT WEARING
43
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:47,149
THE SWEATER
I MADE YOU.
44
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,443
UH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
WARM IN HERE.
45
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,195
"DON WE NOW OUR
GAY APPAREL."
46
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,282
DOESN'T GET MUCH GAYER
THAN THIS.
47
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,909
PETER, TOMORROW'S
CHRISTMAS EVE
48
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,660
AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T
GOTTEN US A TREE.
49
00:01:58,744 --> 00:01:59,912
LOIS, I TOLD YOU
50
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,788
I'M ON DIPS O'
LUSCIOUS VACATION.
51
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,874
WHAT PART OF THAT
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
52
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,334
COME ON, HONEY.
53
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:06,752
IT'S THE ONLY THING
I'VE ASKED YOU TO DO.
54
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,836
PLEASE?
55
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,004
(whines)
56
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,088
BRIAN, TAPE THIS FOR ME.
57
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,340
SORRY, THE VCR
HASN'T WORKED
58
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,300
SINCE YOU TRIED TO TAPE
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
59
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,931
DO YOU HAVE THE EXPRESS
WRITTEN CONSENT OF ABC SPORTS
60
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,557
AND THE NATIONAL
FOOTBALL LEAGUE?
61
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,934
JUST ABC.
62
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:23,060
(guns cocking)
63
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,813
WELL, IF YOU
GET US A TREE
64
00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:29,233
I'LL MAKE SURE
SANTA BRINGS YOU A NEW VCR.
65
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,317
PLEASE?
66
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,401
AH, CRAP.
67
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,611
HOW COME I...
COMMERCIAL!
68
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:38,951
HEY, MOM,
I GOT SOMETHING
69
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,577
TO ADD
TO MY CHRISTMAS LIST.
70
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,704
A PAIR OF THOSE
JEWELED BUG BARRETTES.
71
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,122
NOT COSTUME, REAL.
72
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,666
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
WRITE THAT DOWN?
73
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:48,669
HONEY, SANTA GOT ALL
HIS SHOPPING DONE BEFORE THE RUSH.
74
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,420
I THINK YOU'LL
BE VERY HAPPY.
75
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,422
I JUST WANT
PEACE ON EARTH.
76
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,592
THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING
SELFISH LIKE MEG, RIGHT?
77
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,636
SO I SHOULD
GET MORE THAN HER.
78
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,221
HERE'S A TREE--
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
79
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,098
AND TO ALL,
SHUT THE HELL UP.
80
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,516
AH-AH-AH! BEFORE
YOU SIT DOWN
81
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,142
WE'RE DUE AT JOE
AND BONNIE'S FOR EGGNOG.
82
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,144
LOIS, CAN'T WE TELL THEM
THAT YOUR MOTHER DIED?
83
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,604
PETER, I'M NOT
GOING TO LIE
84
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,022
ABOUT SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
85
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:11,233
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL KILL YOUR MOTHER.
86
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,235
GOD, WHEN DID CHRISTMAS
BECOME SO COMPLICATED?
87
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,908
SO, UH, YOU GUYS
KNOW THAT RUDOLPH IS ON, RIGHT?
88
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,243
PETER!
89
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,287
THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY
GINGERBREAD HOUSE, LOIS.
90
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,038
OH, YEAH, IT'S PERFECT
91
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,708
FOR ALL THE HAPPY, ACTIVE
GINGERBREAD MEN...
92
00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,251
EXCEPT FOR THE ONE
93
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,211
WITH NO LEGS!
94
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,338
LOOK AT THE PARENTS
TELLING THEIR KIDS NOT TO STARE.
95
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,090
"HOW DOES HIS PEE-PEE WORK,
MOMMY?"
96
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,842
WELL, I GOT NEWS
FOR YOU, BECKY--
97
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,385
NOT SO WELL!
98
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,929
JOE, YOU PROMISED.
99
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,015
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
100
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,767
UH, JOE HAD HIS ACCIDENT
AT CHRISTMASTIME.
101
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,936
(weak chuckle)
102
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,439
♪ DECK THE BALLS
ON UNCLE CHARLIE... ♪
103
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,815
YES!
104
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,400
TIME TO GO A-WASSAILING.
105
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,735
HEY, PETER!
106
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,196
HI, I'M PRANCER.
107
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,323
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE JOE ALONG?
108
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,241
YEAH, LOIS, THAT'LL
BE ABOUT AS MUCH FUN
109
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:03,327
AS A LECTURE
ON ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM.
110
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,536
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
111
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,372
HONEY, HE COULD USE
SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
112
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,750
FOR ME? PLEASE?
113
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:10,834
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
114
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:11,919
BUT YOU OWE ME.
115
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,587
LATER, UNDER
THE MISTLETOE.
116
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,255
OPEN MOUTH, NO MATTER
HOW DRUNK I AM.
117
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,594
PETER, THE GIFTS ARE HIDDEN
IN THE TRUNK.
118
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,263
DON'T FORGET TO DROP OFF
THE ONE FOR "TOYS FOR TODDLERS."
119
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:24,556
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
120
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:25,849
SOMEBODY GIVE ME
A BEER.
121
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,184
HEADS UP!
122
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,061
UH, PETER, ONE
OF US HAS TO BE
123
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,479
THE DESIGNATED
DRIVER
124
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:33,106
AND I'VE ALREADY
HAD FOUR EGGNOGS
125
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,525
SO I GUESS
YOU'RE IT.
126
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,068
(laughing):
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, JOE.
127
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,486
WAY TO GET
INTO THE SPIRIT.
128
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,238
I'M A COP FIRST
AND A BUDDY SECOND
129
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:41,031
SO DON'T THINK
I WOULDN'T THROW
130
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,866
YOUR DRUNK-DRIVING
ASS IN THE SLAMMER!
131
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:43,951
(gulping)
132
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:45,619
ALL RIGHT!
LET'S WASSAIL!
133
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,122
STEWIE, HONEY
134
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,499
TIME FOR BED.
135
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:53,293
YOU HAVE A BIG DAY
TOMORROW, BABY JESUS.
136
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:55,003
TRUST ME, WOMAN,
IF I COULD WALK ON WATER
137
00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:57,005
I WOULD STROLL YOU OUT
TO THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE
138
00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,299
AND HOLD YOUR HEAD UNDER
UNTIL THE BUBBLES STOPPED!
139
00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:02,052
OOH, SOMEONE'S BEING
NAUGHTY, NOT NICE.
140
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,263
YOU KNOW SANTA'S
WATCHING YOU.
141
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,139
WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU MEAN,
"WATCHING"?
142
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,933
WELL, HONEY, SANTA'S
"MAKING A LIST
143
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,643
AND CHECKING
IT TWICE."
144
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,395
"HE SEES YOU
WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING."
145
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,063
"AND HE KNOWS
WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE."
146
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,773
I ALMOST CAUGHT HIM LAST YEAR
147
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:16,900
BUT HE'S MAGIC.
148
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,777
CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE
OF EVERY CHILD ON EARTH--
149
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,362
IMPOSSIBLE!
150
00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:21,697
UNLESS...
151
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,949
HIDDEN CAMERAS.
152
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,284
OH, VERY CLEVER!
153
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,703
WATCHING TO SEE
IF I'M NAUGHTY, ARE YOU?
154
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,496
THEN CHECK THIS TWICE!
155
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:31,623
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!
156
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:32,708
♪ DON'T ROCK THE BOAT, BABY
157
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,876
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!
158
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,002
♪ DON'T TIP
THE BOAT OVER ♪
159
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,086
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!
160
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,671
♪ DON'T ROCK
THE BOAT, BABY ♪
161
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,424
♪ ROCK THE BO-O-O-OAT!
162
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,134
ROCK ON!
163
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,094
HEY, HEY, GUYS,
CHECK ME OUT.
164
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,345
WHOA!
165
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:46,722
WHOA!
166
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:47,848
WHOA!
167
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,349
(dog yelping)
168
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,270
(grunting with effort)
169
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,396
WH-WHOA!
170
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:55,480
(screams)
171
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:57,524
OH, NO!
172
00:05:57,608 --> 00:05:58,734
OH, NO!
173
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,194
I'VE BROKEN MY LEGS!
174
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:03,655
(laughing)
175
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,574
THAT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY
AS SINBAD.
176
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,910
NOT THE COMEDIAN,
HE'S HILARIOUS-- THE SAILOR.
177
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,162
BUT, THEN AGAIN,
HE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE FUNNY.
178
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:11,246
NOW, COME ON,
I GOT TO GO
179
00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:12,789
TO FREAKIN'
"TOYS FOR TODDLERS."
180
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,210
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
GOT A "HUMBUG" UP HIS BUTT.
181
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,212
(laughing)
182
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:19,671
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD
SET HIM UP
183
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,006
WITH ANOTHER LEMON
SNOW CONE, EH?
184
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,090
OH, THANKS.
185
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:23,175
THE LAST ONE YOU GAVE ME
186
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,301
DIDN'T TASTE LIKE LEMON AT ALL.
187
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,511
IT TASTED LIKE...
188
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,387
OH, YOU GUYS ARE ASSES.
189
00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:29,431
(laughing)
190
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,935
I KNEW YOU WERE AWAKE.
191
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,686
(gasps):
YOU.
192
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,109
NOW, STEWIE,
YOU ARE
193
00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:42,194
IN MY POWER.
194
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,278
(screams)
195
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,363
NO, DAMN YOU!
196
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,447
DAMN YOU,
LET ME GO!
197
00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:46,573
(screams)
198
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,826
GOOD, MELVIN.
199
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,828
NICE WORK, WOODROW.
200
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,914
EXCELLENT, STEWIE.
201
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,250
(screams)
202
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,418
OH, IT'S JUST A DREAM.
203
00:06:58,502 --> 00:06:59,795
I NEEDN'T FEAR THIS SANTA.
204
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,505
IF HE WERE TRULY OMNIPOTENT
205
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,216
HE'D HAVE THE TESTICULAR
FORTITUDE TO SHOW HIMSELF!
206
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,677
SEE?
207
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,970
I'M JUST BARKING IN THE DARK.
208
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,972
NO ONE HERE BUT ME.
209
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:12,891
(humming nervously)
210
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,142
ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS IT?
211
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,269
WHERE'S THE WIRE?
212
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,353
SHOW YOURSELF, CLAUS!
213
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,729
Lois: STEWIE, GO TO SLEEP.
214
00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:19,606
THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU, LOIS!
215
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,441
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COME IN THERE.
216
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,151
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COME IN THERE!
217
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,197
SHH! DAD'S AWAKE.
218
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,783
DON'T BOTHER WHISPERING,
I DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER.
219
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,577
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
220
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,036
SHOULDN'T YOU
HAVE YOUR SWEATER ON?
221
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:34,955
(groans)
222
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:37,583
THAT'S FOR LETTING JOE
JOIN IN
223
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:38,876
YOUR REINDEER GAMES.
224
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,169
NOW, YOU GO RELAX
225
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,087
WHILE I MAKE
MY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
226
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,922
A BIG STACK OF PANCAKES.
227
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,258
IF I'M SLEEPING, STUFF THEM
IN MY MOUTH AND RUB MY THROAT.
228
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,802
JUST ONE
MORE THING--
229
00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:49,887
LOIS!
230
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:50,971
I NEED YOU
TO TAKE
231
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,181
THE PRESENTS OUT
OF THE TRUNK.
232
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,725
AREN'T YOU GOING
TO DO IT?
233
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,809
IT'S ALREADY DONE.
234
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:56,894
I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF
235
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:57,978
AT "TOYS FOR TODDLERS"
LAST NIGHT.
236
00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,104
ALL?
237
00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:00,647
PETER, ONLY ONE GIFT
WAS FOR CHARITY.
238
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:01,732
THE REST
WERE FOR THE FAMILY.
239
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,650
NO, THE REST WERE
FROM THE FAMILY.
240
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,528
WEREN'T... WEREN'T THEY?
241
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:08,030
AW, CRAP.
242
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,114
SINCE WHEN DID THEY CHANGE
243
00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:10,741
THE MEANING OF
"FOR" TO "FROM"?
244
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,367
I THINK THEY HAD A MEETING
ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.
245
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,493
WHY WASN'T I TOLD?
246
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:14,703
THEY SENT YOU A CARD
247
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,205
BUT IT SAID
"FOR PETER" ON IT
248
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:17,748
SO YOU MUST'VE THOUGHT
IT WAS "FROM" YOU
249
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,374
SO YOU DIDN'T, UH...
250
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,835
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST EASIER
TO CALL YOU "STUPID."
251
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,176
YOU'RE REALLY GOING
TO TAKE BACK
252
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,802
DONATED GIFTS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
253
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,721
YEP. NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN--
254
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,307
YOU'LL ENTER THROUGH
THE AIR CONDITIONING DUCT HERE.
255
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,351
NOW, THERE'LL BE
AN INVISIBLE LASER GRID
256
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:38,894
THREE INCHES
ABOVE THE FLOOR
257
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,729
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO COMPRESS
YOUR BODY
258
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,981
TO THE SIZE OF AN ORDINARY
HOUSEHOLD SPONGE
259
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,233
AND SLIDE UNDERNEATH
260
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,151
LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD,
AMPHIBIOUS DOLPHIN.
261
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:47,903
CAN I BUY SOME
POT FROM YOU?
262
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,738
WHAT YOU WANT?
263
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:50,822
(both gasping)
264
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,741
SO YOU UNDERSTAND
ALL THESE GIFTS
265
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,743
ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR MY FAMILY.
266
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,245
IT WAS JUST
SOME CRAZY MIX-UP.
267
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,538
(nervous laughter)
268
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,040
KILL 'EM.
269
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,626
NO, NO, NO, IT'S TRUE!
270
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,962
SEE, THAT REMOTE CONTROL CAR
WAS FOR MY SON AND...
271
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,005
AND THOSE BARRETTES
WERE FOR MY DAUGHTER
272
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,049
AND, UH... HEY,
WHERE'S MY VCR?
273
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,844
DANG IT, BUCK, IT'S MY
TURN TO USE THE SEX BOX.
274
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,720
IT'S MY SEX BOX...
275
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:15,848
AND HER NAME
IS "SONY."
276
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:16,974
Lois:
YOU GAVE AWAY
277
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,225
ALL THE PRESENTS?
278
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,977
LOIS, IF YOU
STRIKE ME DOWN
279
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,937
I SHALL BECOME
MORE POWERFUL
280
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,856
THAN YOU CAN
POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
281
00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:26,108
PETER, YOU BROUGHT
GLAD TIDINGS TO A FAMILY
282
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,568
LESS FORTUNATE
THAN YOUR OWN.
283
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:28,944
YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT MAD?
284
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,487
WELL, I AM
A LITTLE IRRITATED
285
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,823
THAT I HAVE TO DO
ALL THE SHOPPING AGAIN
286
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,950
BUT AT LEAST SOME GOOD
CAME OUT OF IT.
287
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,785
SO I CAN DRINK BEER
AND WATCH TV?
288
00:09:36,869 --> 00:09:39,037
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
KISS SAVES SANTA IS ON.
289
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,373
BUT, MRS. CLAUS,
WHO WOULD KIDNAP SANTA?
290
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:44,585
WELL, ACE, THAT'S WHAT
I WANT YOU BOYS TO FIND OUT.
291
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:45,919
SOMEONE STOLE SANTA?
292
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379
THAT DOES NOT ROCK!
293
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:48,463
EASY, GENE.
294
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,674
GUYS, LET'S GO
SAVE CHRISTMAS.
295
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,259
TO THE KISS COPTER!
296
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,677
- YAY!
- YAY!
297
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,227
YOU CAN WATCH
ALL THE TV YOU WANT...
298
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:03,604
JUST AS SOON AS WE GET BACK
FROM THE MALL.
299
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,439
THE MALL?!
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?!
300
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,399
PETER, I JUST
WANT THIS FAMILY
301
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,151
TO HAVE
A PERFECT CHRISTMAS
302
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,236
AND I NEED
A LITTLE HELP, OKAY?
303
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,946
BRIAN, MY TURKEY'S
IN THE OVEN.
304
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,031
CAN YOU TURN IT OFF
AT 3:00?
305
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,324
NO PROBLEM.
306
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,909
WE'LL SHOP, COME HOME, EAT
307
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,827
AND THEN IT'S OFF
TO THE PAGEANT
308
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:21,121
TO SEE OUR LITTLE STEWIE
PLAY BABY JESUS.
309
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:24,583
OH, YES, YES, BY ALL MEANS
TURN ME INTO A CHILD STAR.
310
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,211
PERHAPS I CAN MOVE
TO "CALI-FORN-EYE-AY"
311
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,338
AND WRANGLE ME A THREE-WAY
WITH THE OLSEN TWINS.
312
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,595
THERE'S A SPOT!
313
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,388
(engine revving)
314
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:39,932
AW, SCREW THIS.
315
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,016
(tires squealing)
316
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:50,984
OKAY, PETER, WE'LL EACH TAKE
HALF THE LIST TO SAVE TIME.
317
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:53,904
KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE STEWIE TO SEE SANTA?
318
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,657
SANTA?
319
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,118
OH, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
320
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:02,204
SITTING ALONE
IN THIS PUBLIC SETTING?
321
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,914
NO BULLETPROOF GLASS?
322
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,124
CLAUS, YOU MAKE IT TOO EASY.
323
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:07,793
CHANGE ME-- I'VE LEAKED
THROUGH MY SKI PANTS
324
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,044
AND I WON'T FACE HIM WET!
325
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:17,553
We now return to Bob Hope's
Christmas with the Troops.
326
00:11:17,636 --> 00:11:19,179
Hey, it's good to see
you Union boys.
327
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,722
I would've been here sooner
328
00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,766
but Lincoln gave me
the wrong Gettysburg Address.
329
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,520
And how about this having
to sit still for 60 seconds
330
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,688
to have your picture taken?
331
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:28,772
How about that?
332
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,065
(troops laughing)
333
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:33,527
AW, SWEET!
334
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:34,611
IT'S KISS SAVES SANTA.
335
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:35,696
Hang on, Santa!
336
00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:36,822
WE'RE COMING.
337
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:37,906
HURRY, BOYS!
338
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,032
THE EGGS ARE HATCHING!
339
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,117
WHAT DO WE DO?
340
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,201
WAIT A SECOND--
341
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,953
EVERYONE KNOWS
PTERODACTYLS
342
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,788
CAN'T STAND THE
SCREECH OF A GUITAR!
343
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,874
(electrified screeching)
344
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:50,752
IT'S WORKING!
345
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,837
HEY, SANTA,
BE CAREFUL!
346
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,130
OH, NO!
CAREFUL, SANTA!
347
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,214
HANG ON, SANTA!
348
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,552
HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT! HEY!
349
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,095
IT'LL BE ON
NEXT CHRISTMAS.
350
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:02,097
WELL, WHO THE HELL KNOWS
WHEN THAT'S GOING TO BE?
351
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,809
(bell dings)
352
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,441
AH!
353
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:16,236
IF I WAS AN OVEN MITT...
354
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,696
(smoke alarm beeping)
355
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,623
DAMN IT, PETER!
356
00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:31,418
HO, HO, HO.
357
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:34,004
AND WHAT CAN I BRING YOU,
THIS YEAR?
358
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,088
OH, A PEACE
OFFERING, IS IT?
359
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,340
VERY WELL.
360
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,884
WHAT SAY YOU TRIM THOSE
GIN-SOAKED WHISKERS
361
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,511
AND BRING ME
SOME PLUTONIUM?
362
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,930
WELL, CAN YOU
BE A GOOD BOY?
363
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,015
HMM, YOUR INQUIRY
INTRIGUES ME.
364
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,391
CAN ANY OF US
BE A GOOD BOY?
365
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,310
ARE OUR PRIMAL URGES
INNATE OR THE RESULT
366
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:49,478
OF THE CHOICES WE MAKE?
367
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:50,896
OKAY, WRAP IT UP, KID.
368
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,272
ALL RIGHT, KRINGLE.
369
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:53,649
IF THE REWARD
IS PLUTONIUM
370
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:54,858
THEN YOUR WAGER
IS ACCEPTED.
371
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,318
I WILL BE...
372
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:57,402
NICE.
373
00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:58,612
GOOD BOY.
374
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,405
NOW, SMILE
FOR THE CAMERA.
375
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:02,449
YES, YES, SMILE!
376
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,159
LIKE A GOOD BOY.
377
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,044
AH...
378
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,297
AHA!
379
00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:18,507
MEG'S BARRETTES.
380
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,342
YOU MEAN
JULIE'S BARRETTES!
381
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:23,554
YOU STILL WANT THEM,
YOU BONY OLD BLUE HAIR?
382
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:24,638
OW, OW!
383
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:25,764
TITTY TWISTER!
384
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:26,974
OW, HURTS!
385
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,100
HEY!
386
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,132
AHA!
387
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,259
ALL THE CLOWN FISH
388
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,052
AND YELLOW TANGS IN THE WORLD
389
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:05,137
CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.
390
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,267
THAT'S IT?
391
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,560
FISH FOOD?
392
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,270
THAT'S YOUR ACE
IN THE HOLE?
393
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,522
(laughs)
394
00:14:15,647 --> 00:14:17,566
OW, OW... OW, OW, OW!
395
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,362
TURKEY!
396
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,743
(glass breaking)
397
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:31,663
OH, LOIS, IT WAS HORRIBLE.
398
00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:32,998
THE FISH WERE JUMPING
399
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,416
ALL OVER MY EYES
AND IN MY NOSE
400
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,376
AND ON THE WAY OUT,
I THINK ONE OF THEM
401
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,961
MUTTERED SOMETHING ANTI-SEMITIC.
402
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,296
WE'RE ALMOST HOME, HONEY.
403
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,464
OH, LOOK!
404
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,633
THERE'S THE STAR
ON THE TOWN CHRISTMAS TREE.
405
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:43,967
WE'RE FOLLOWING
IT HOME.
406
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,469
JUST LIKE THE THREE WISE MEN.
407
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:46,929
SO, WHAT'D YOU
GET HIM?
408
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,013
GOLD.
409
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,139
GOLD?
410
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:50,349
AH, I THOUGHT
WE AGREED ON
411
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:51,600
A FIVE DOLLAR
LIMIT, HERE.
412
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,684
YEAH,
I JUST GOT HIM
413
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:53,936
A CRAPPY LITTLE
BOTTLE OF MYRRH.
414
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,562
HELLO!
FRANKINCENSE.
415
00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:56,939
YOU ALWAYS
DO THIS.
416
00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,023
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
417
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,316
LOOK, WE'LL PUT
EVERYTHING TOGETHER
418
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,526
AND PUT ALL
OUR NAMES ON IT.
419
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:01,610
NO!
420
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:02,694
THAT IS
SO CHEAP.
421
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:04,238
(all talking at once)
422
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,909
(gasps)
423
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,911
(turkey sizzling)
424
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:11,995
OH, MY GOD.
425
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,413
BRIAN, ARE
YOU OKAY?
426
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:14,831
I TOLD YOU
427
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,291
WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT
COOKIES FOR SANTA.
428
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,461
(screams)
429
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:22,881
MY COUCH, MY TV!
430
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,049
WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU DO?
431
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:25,133
ME?
432
00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:27,010
WHO THE HELL
BUYS A NOVELTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER?
433
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,554
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
434
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,181
SOMEONE WHO CARES ENOUGH
ABOUT PHYSICAL COMEDY
435
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:33,016
TO PUT HIS WHOLE
FAMILY AT SERIOUS RISK.
436
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,685
BOYS, PLEASE!
437
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,311
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
438
00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:39,523
THIS IS A NIGHT FOR MAGIC
AND WONDER AND JOY.
439
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,359
OKAY, SO A COUPLE
OF THINGS HAVE GONE WRONG
440
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,820
BUT WE CAN STILL HAVE
A GREAT CHRISTMAS!
441
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:46,989
(sighs)
442
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,365
AH, JEEZ, KIDS.
443
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,491
I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO LOSING IT
444
00:15:49,575 --> 00:15:50,576
BUT YOUR MOM'S RIGHT.
445
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:52,452
WELL, SURE I AM.
446
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,580
MEG, HONEY, GET ME
SOME PAPER TOWELS.
447
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:56,248
LET'S LOSE THE
BAD TIDINGS
448
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,792
CLEAN UP THIS MESS
AND FIND THAT HOLIDAY CHEER.
449
00:15:58,876 --> 00:15:59,918
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
450
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:02,171
WE'RE OUT OF PAPER TOWELS.
451
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:05,841
NO... PAPER... TOWELS!
452
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:09,011
(screaming)
453
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,014
HEY, I WAS GOING
TO PICK AT THAT.
454
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:13,765
SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!
455
00:16:13,849 --> 00:16:16,101
YOU ALL THINK
CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENS.
456
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,644
YOU THINK ALL THIS GOODWILL
457
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:19,146
JUST FALLS
FROM THE FREAKIN' SKY!
458
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:20,355
WELL, IT DOESN'T!
459
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,399
IT FALLS OUT
OF MY HOLLY JOLLY BUTT!
460
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,777
SO YOU CAN COOK
YOUR OWN DAMN TURKEY
461
00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:27,279
WRAP YOUR OWN
DAMN PRESENTS
462
00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:28,530
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT
463
00:16:28,614 --> 00:16:30,449
YOU CAN ALL RIDE
A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH
464
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:31,533
TO HELL!
465
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,203
(screaming)
466
00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,623
(panting and muttering)
467
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:41,084
OH, HERE'S THE
PAPER TOWELS.
468
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,173
I-I-I CHANGED MY MIND.
469
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:47,966
CLARENCE, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.
470
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,051
I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.
471
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,135
WHOA!
472
00:16:50,219 --> 00:16:51,261
(splash)
473
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,016
HEY!
474
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:58,352
I GUESS THERE'S SOME MAGIC
IN THAT OLD SILK HAT.
475
00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,478
(Lois growling)
476
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,771
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
477
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:01,855
(socks)
478
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:02,940
EASY, LADY!
479
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,107
YOU WANT SOME
OF THIS?
480
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,192
(laughs and pants)
481
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,277
AH!
482
00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:08,529
WHAT THE HELL
IS HER PROBLEM?
483
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:09,905
FROSTY,
LET IT GO!
484
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,323
JUST A SECOND, JUST A SECOND.
485
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:12,950
HEY, LADY, YOU GOT
SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?
486
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,159
YEAH, ALL HE DID
487
00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:15,285
WAS WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
488
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:16,537
WISH?
489
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:17,996
IT'S EASY TO WISH
490
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,456
BUT DOES ANYONE
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
491
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:20,791
AND MAKE IT HAPPEN?
492
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,251
NO!
493
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,044
YOU ALL EXPECT
SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU.
494
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,754
LIKE SANTY CLAUS
495
00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:26,839
OR MOMMY!
496
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:28,090
AH, AH, AH!
497
00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:34,429
AH, TAKE IT OFF!
498
00:17:34,513 --> 00:17:35,514
TAKE IT OFF!
499
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:42,062
MUST... KILL... STAR.
500
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,981
DAD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MOM?
501
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,233
WHAT IF SHE NEVER COMES BACK?
502
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,985
I-I-I THINK THE
BIGGER QUESTION
503
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,736
IS IF THIS IS THE
WAY SHE'S GOING TO ACT AT CHRISTMAS
504
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:50,863
DO WE EVEN
WANT HER BACK?
505
00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:52,155
ALL RIGHT,
WHICH IS BETTER?
506
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:53,824
AROUND THE WAIST
OR OFF THE SHOULDER?
507
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:54,992
WAIST? SHOULDER?
508
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:56,118
WAIST? SHOULDER?
509
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,202
STEWIE, I THOUGHT
510
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,662
YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO BE IN THE PAGEANT.
511
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,038
OH, MEGAN!
512
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,999
SANTA WOULD THINK IT
TERRIBLY NAUGHTY OF ME
513
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,959
NOT TO FULFILL MY OBLIGATION
TO MOTHER.
514
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,044
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THE PAGEANT MEANS TO HER.
515
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,546
WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE IS?
516
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:08,881
WELL, THANK GOD
517
00:18:08,964 --> 00:18:11,008
YEARS AGO I PLANTED
A HOMING DEVICE
518
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,260
IN YOUR MOTHER'S SKULL
FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.
519
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,720
(computer beeping)
520
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,763
I FORGOT, I ALSO
PUT THEM IN A BUNCH OF SQUIRRELS.
521
00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:18,390
THIS ISN'T GOING
TO DO US ANY GOOD.
522
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,058
MAY AS WELL
SEE IF SHE'S AT THE PAGEANT.
523
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,143
YOU...
524
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,604
YOU LIED TO ME.
525
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:24,688
OH, MY GOD!
526
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,315
THERE'S MOM!
527
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:27,399
HI, LOIS!
528
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,567
HEY, DO WE LOOK
LIKE ANTS DOWN HERE?
529
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:29,693
BITE ME!
530
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:30,777
(glass breaking)
531
00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:32,070
PETER, GREAT
TIME LAST NIGHT.
532
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,155
DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL GET LOIS DOWN.
533
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:34,239
LOCKED AND
LOADED, SIR.
534
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:35,365
WAIT!
535
00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:36,450
YOU CAN'T SHOOT MY MOM.
536
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:37,534
DON'T WORRY, KID.
537
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:38,952
IT'S JUST A
MILD SEDATIVE.
538
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:40,037
GO!
539
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,663
JOE, HANG ON.
540
00:18:41,914 --> 00:18:43,415
LOOK, LOIS IS
ONLY UP THERE
541
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:44,958
BECAUSE WE SUCKED
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
542
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:46,043
RIGHT OUT OF HER.
543
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,377
MAYBE IF SHE SEES
THE PAGEANT
544
00:18:47,461 --> 00:18:48,462
IT'LL BRING HER AROUND.
545
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:49,546
GIVE HER A CHANCE, HUH?
546
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:50,672
TRUST HIM, JOE.
547
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:51,798
THIS MAN HAS SEEN
548
00:18:51,882 --> 00:18:53,008
EVERY CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL EVER MADE.
549
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:54,468
ARE YOU WEARING
A GIRL'S SWEATER?
550
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:55,928
DOES THAT REALLY
MATTER RIGHT NOW?
551
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,012
YOU GOT TEN MINUTES.
552
00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,264
LIGHTS, PLEASE.
553
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:02,809
AS WE ALL KNOW
554
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:05,020
CHRISTMAS IS THAT MYSTICAL
TIME OF YEAR
555
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:07,773
WHEN THE GHOST OF JESUS
RISES FROM THE GRAVE
556
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,067
TO FEED ON THE FLESH
OF THE LIVING.
557
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:13,612
SO, WE ALL SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS
TO LULL HIM BACK TO SLEEP.
558
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:14,863
OUTRAGEOUS!
559
00:19:14,947 --> 00:19:16,281
HOW DARE HE SAY SUCH BLASPHEMY!
560
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:17,616
I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
561
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:18,992
BOB, THERE'S
NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
562
00:19:19,076 --> 00:19:20,202
(sighs)
563
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,079
WELL, I... GUESS
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
564
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,747
DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR.
565
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:27,125
I AM THE VIRGIN MARY.
566
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:30,087
THAT'S MY STORY
AND I'M STICKING TO IT.
567
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:33,298
OH, OUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED.
568
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,801
GOOD EVENING.
569
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,928
I'M PLAYING THE ROLE
OF JESUS
570
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,721
A MAN ONCE PORTRAYED
ON THE BIG SCREEN
571
00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:41,014
BY JEFFREY HUNTER.
572
00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:42,891
YOU MAY REMEMBER HIM
AS THE ACTOR
573
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,434
WHO WAS REPLACED
BY WILLIAM SHATNER
574
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:45,561
ON STAR TREK.
575
00:19:45,644 --> 00:19:46,979
APPARENTLY, MR. HUNTER
576
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,438
WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO DIE
FOR OUR SINS
577
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:51,191
BUT NOT QUITE UP TO THE TASK
OF SEDUCING GREEN WOMEN.
578
00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:54,695
ANYHOO...
579
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:56,154
THE PERENNIAL DICTUM IS
580
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,574
TO SPREAD GOODWILL
TOWARDS ALL MEN.
581
00:19:58,657 --> 00:19:59,908
THE IRONY, OF COURSE
582
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,493
IS THAT THIS IS CONTRARY
TO OUR NATURE.
583
00:20:01,577 --> 00:20:03,078
SO, WHY DO WE DO IT?
584
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,455
BECAUSE WE ARE BEING WATCHED.
585
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:09,710
AND SO...
586
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:11,628
WE UNSELFISHLY THINK OF OTHERS
587
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:14,464
ASSURED THAT OUR GOOD BEHAVIOR
WILL BE REWARDED
588
00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:17,050
WITH LOVE... AND PLUTONIUM.
589
00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:21,096
YEAH, SHE'S NOT GETTING IT.
590
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:22,222
OKAY, BOYS, TAKE HER DOWN.
591
00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:32,149
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY.
592
00:20:32,316 --> 00:20:34,693
HUH, WONDER WHAT THIS COULD BE.
593
00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:35,819
OH.
594
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:38,989
THIS CHRISTMAS ROCKS!
595
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,657
MOM, STEWIE'S
OPENING HIS GIFTS.
596
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,909
MOM?
597
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,243
AH, IT'S OKAY, MEG.
598
00:20:43,327 --> 00:20:45,120
YOUR MOM'S JUST FULL
OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
599
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,372
AND ENOUGH TRANQUILIZER
TO BRING DOWN A BULL ELEPHANT.
600
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:49,625
UH, HONEY,
YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING
601
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:51,043
YOU GOT A LITTLE...
602
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,127
UH... I'LL GET IT.
603
00:20:52,211 --> 00:20:55,339
HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS?!
604
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:58,300
KLAUS,
YOU PORCINE DOUBLE-CROSSER.
605
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:00,260
AND TO THINK, I WAS NICE!
606
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:01,762
YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE, DUDE.
607
00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:04,139
(gasps)
608
00:21:04,223 --> 00:21:05,474
PLUTONIUM!
609
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:07,142
H-HE IS REAL.
610
00:21:07,226 --> 00:21:09,311
HE'S REALLY, REALLY REAL!
611
00:21:09,478 --> 00:21:10,646
SO, PETER
DID YOU GET EVERYTHING
612
00:21:10,729 --> 00:21:11,772
YOU WANTED
FOR CHRISTMAS?
613
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:14,149
YOU BET!
A WEEK'S VACATION, A NEW VCR
614
00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:17,486
AND BEST OF ALL,
MY OWN COPY OF KISS SAVES SANTA.
615
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:21,949
YOU JUST PRACTICE
THAT GUITAR, SANTA.
616
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,493
NEXT TIME, WE'LL
LET YOU DO A SOLO.
617
00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,411
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
618
00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:28,497
(all laughing)
619
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,420
FROM ALL OF US AT FAMILY GUY
620
00:21:35,504 --> 00:21:37,381
WE WISH YOU
CHRISTMAS JOY
621
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,299
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES
NOW COME TRUE
622
00:21:39,383 --> 00:21:41,009
FOR EVERY GIRL AND BOY
623
00:21:41,093 --> 00:21:42,636
WE HOPE YOUR FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS
624
00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:44,429
ARE FILLED WITH FUN AND CHEER
625
00:21:44,513 --> 00:21:46,765
SO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND...
626
00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:49,059
(mumbling)
38794
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
