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1
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,924
As you all know,
I don't have kids --
2
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:09,634
That we know of.
3
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:10,885
Pbht!
4
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:13,471
But we can all agree
that kids are fantastic.
5
00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:15,432
[ Door opens ]
Look, there's one now!
6
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:16,433
Hey, Evie!
7
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:17,934
What's that in your hand?
8
00:00:18,017 --> 00:00:20,103
The box you just gave me.
9
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:21,229
Uh-huh. What's in it?
10
00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:24,065
A...Tax Planner Toby?
11
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:25,859
Oh, can I play?!
12
00:00:25,942 --> 00:00:27,277
He comes with
his own spreadsheets
13
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,654
and a booklet on tax dodges!
14
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:30,780
Neat!
[ Chuckles ]
15
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,199
Lemme look at that.
16
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,535
Introducing
our new toy line!
17
00:00:35,618 --> 00:00:36,661
Sebben & Sebben:
18
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,204
We Do Kids!
19
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,290
Something you'd like to share
with the class, Brad?
20
00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:44,294
Uh, no, I was just asking why
kids isn't spelled with a "Z."
21
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:45,295
Leave.
22
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,172
This is bullshit!
23
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:50,175
We have been trying to break
into the kid market for years.
24
00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:51,634
Tiny clothes,
deep pockets.
25
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:54,262
And incredibly easy
to exploit.
26
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,513
Glad we could be of help.
27
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,432
Besides Toby,
there's Measure Me Miles,
28
00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:59,684
a measuring stick that comes
in three fun colors
29
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,060
which are all...
30
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,270
the same.
31
00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:04,564
And My Little
Kidney Kleaner,
32
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,316
a play dialysis machine
33
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:09,569
with a dolly
whose "wet" function is...
34
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:10,779
[ Doll cries ]
...broken.
35
00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,280
Hey, what say
we get someone who had
36
00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:16,159
a happy childhood
to oversee the toy line?
37
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,619
Anyone?
38
00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:19,788
[ Clears throat ]
39
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,247
Oh, my god.
You don't think
40
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,333
I know a fun toy
when I see one.
41
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,461
I'll have you know I had
a goddamn great childhood
42
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:28,463
with fucking awesome toys!
43
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:29,714
I'll show you.
44
00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,758
I'll show all of you!
[ Doll cries ]
45
00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,635
♪ Hey! ♪
[ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
[ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
46
00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:35,303
[ Rapping ] ♪ Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
47
00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:36,679
♪ Hey! ♪
48
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,014
[ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
49
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:39,933
[ Imitating fanfare ] Birdgirl!
50
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,521
Uh, six inches sharp.
51
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:45,814
[ Door opens ]
52
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,149
[ Grunts ]
Got it, got it, got it.
53
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,778
[ Gasps ]
Here it is.
54
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,489
What exactly is that?
55
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:55,990
Oh, sweet Jesus!
56
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:58,243
Judy: Don't move!
57
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,578
[ Thinking ]
Don't move, she says.
58
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,707
Ben's always an option
if I'm hard up, but it's like
59
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,168
can I deal
with the talking afterwards?
60
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,170
Guys!
I found it!
61
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,922
What...is that?
62
00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:14,175
My Wanky!
63
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,885
It's so fun!
64
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,555
And just like that,
she's lost it.
65
00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:21,975
This puppy and I were best
friends when I was a kid.
66
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,726
Trapdoor!
67
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,144
Spaghetti dinner!
68
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,646
[ Laughter ]
What?
69
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:27,856
I mean...
70
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:30,066
You know
what that looks like.
71
00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:32,569
Yes.
A super fun toy that I love.
72
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,237
Judy. Come on.
73
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,781
It looks like
a vintage schlong.
74
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,700
From the Perv Ages.
75
00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,702
You know what,
with the right branding,
76
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,121
this could take the adult
toy market by storm.
77
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,122
Make billions.
78
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,999
Retire early.
Buy boats.
79
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:49,460
[ Demon voice ]
The Wanky is for children!
80
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:52,171
Jude, masturbation is --
81
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,631
[ Normal voice ]
Freddie Prinze Jr,
Freddie Prinze Jr,
82
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:56,050
Freddie Prinze Jr.
Look, at some point,
Freddie Prinze Jr.
Look, at some point,
83
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:59,053
we really need to unpack
your sexual repression,
84
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:02,098
but thankfully,
I have a conference call.
85
00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:03,892
Right now?
Can you push it five?
86
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,935
Why?
I have a flashback planned.
Why?
I have a flashback planned.
87
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,812
Yes, love a flashback.
88
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:11,024
Hold on, I'm texting
Donna to push the call.
89
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:16,279
Donna pushing a call?
[ Laughs ]
90
00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:17,447
Hurry!
91
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:18,531
Hold your squirt.
92
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:19,824
Bwee-oop!
93
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,868
When my dad was in town
for Fisc-Que --
94
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,621
Pagan festival at the start
of every fiscal quarter.
95
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:28,166
Ah.
...he used to take me to this
magical little toy shop
Ah.
...he used to take me to this
magical little toy shop
96
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:31,169
across town
run by this adorable elderly man
97
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:34,213
with an indeterminate
European accent.
98
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:35,757
[ Young Judy laughs ]
99
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,635
My dad saw how much I treasured
it, because one day...
100
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:43,181
Young Judy: Daddy,
you remembered Christmas!
101
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,058
Est-ce vraiment possible?
102
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:47,143
Mon branleur et moi.
103
00:03:47,226 --> 00:03:51,314
Qui a besoin
d'amis ou de famille?
104
00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,817
Quand tu as un branleur
comme moi!
105
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,487
Ooohh, things are about
to get sexy!
106
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,657
I wonder if that store's
still there?
107
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,866
Holy shit, it is!
108
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:02,992
[ Horn honks, tires screech ]
109
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,370
[ Crash, car alarm blares ]
110
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:06,913
I got a clam.
111
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:08,498
You got a clam?
112
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,500
Man: Call 911!
113
00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,506
Mr. Claude?
114
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,840
Fuck!
115
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,509
You hookers can't keep
116
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,719
coming in here
to use my toilet!
117
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,680
You're right --
adorable.
118
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,099
You know, I'd sit over there
for hours playing
119
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,768
with this sweet
malnourished peasant boy.
120
00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,645
Oh, yes, Devon.
121
00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:31,980
My son.
122
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,690
[ Gunshot ]
Fuck!
123
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:35,358
Doing 7 to 10 upstate.
124
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:36,526
That's great.
125
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:38,361
Mr. Claude,
look what I found!
126
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:41,698
Ach, that thing
ruined my life!
127
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,199
Get it away!
128
00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:45,034
I used to love
watching you tobble.
129
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,869
When you were done,
you'd sprinkle
130
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,955
a little magic dust
over the toy
131
00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:51,416
which meant it was ready
for its new home.
132
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:55,003
Not dust,
the salt from tears,
133
00:04:55,086 --> 00:05:00,174
which turned sadness
to goddamned joy.
134
00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,719
Mr. Claude,
I have an idea.
135
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,929
Which she hasn't
run past us.
Judy, no!
136
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,723
We're going to re-release
the Wanky!
137
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:10,435
Danke, no.
No, my tobbling days are over.
138
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:11,936
After the superstore opened,
139
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,897
no one wanted
handmade toys anymore.
140
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,816
Oooh, that one
slipped by me.
141
00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:18,943
Man knew how to
use a "Z."
142
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,486
Oh!
I know
what you're thinking.
143
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,280
What does this bimbo know
about tobbling,
144
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:24,532
what with her gender-neutral
shoes and taste
145
00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,159
for expensive
infused waters?
146
00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,828
But listen here, when I set
my mind to help someone,
147
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:29,954
I help 'em.
148
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,372
Even if they're begging me
to stop.
149
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,124
That's the Judy guarantee.
150
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:37,211
Ah, Christ,
the Judy guarantee.
151
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:40,923
Achtzig/zwanzig split,
full ownership of IP.
152
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,633
Deal!
153
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:45,261
Are we still in
the flashback?
154
00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:48,014
Then Mr. Claude
gave up his passion for reasons
155
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:50,641
I feel a fair amount
of familial responsibility for,
156
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,269
and I have given him
the Judy guarantee.
157
00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:56,147
-Ugh!
-Uch, the Judy guarantee?
158
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,107
Really?
Can she guarantee
159
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,026
everyone gets
a goddamn chair?
160
00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:03,237
So, against two people's
better judgement,
161
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,990
I'm building him
a workshop downstairs.
162
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:08,576
Who's in?
163
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,787
[ Laughs ]
How do you even hold this?
164
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,164
My hands are asleep.
165
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:15,958
Ah, it looks like
a little dicky.
166
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,504
Spitballing here, but maybe
we zhoosh it up a bit
167
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:20,630
for modern kids?
168
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:23,174
You wanna sell that
to kids?
169
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,509
It looks like my mom's --
170
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:25,593
Skeet Ulrich!
171
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,095
This seems like
a great time
172
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,930
to take some PTO.
173
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,473
Byeeeee!
174
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,684
If we're actually
gonna do this,
175
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,311
I suppose Charlie and I
176
00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,647
could handle the Wanky
redesign and marketing.
177
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:38,981
I suppose we could.
178
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:41,067
I understand
that as a CEO,
179
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:42,819
you have to be
very careful
180
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:45,446
what you say,
but I hear you.
181
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,907
And it's time
others did, too.
182
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,450
I am on it.
183
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,743
Let go of my pinky,
Paul.
184
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,870
Whadya say we have
a little girls' lunch?
185
00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:54,872
Is this the lunch I've been
ducking for 14 years?
186
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,416
We'll talk redesign
over some hot apps.
187
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:01,462
You like hot apps,
don't you, pretty girl?
188
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,674
Lukewarm.
[ Clears throat ] Jude,
189
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:07,677
we're a little worried
all the childhood nostalgia
190
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,303
is causing you to...
191
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,596
regress.
192
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,099
Do you
take time for yourself?
193
00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,851
I mean not necessarily
with the Wanky,
194
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,727
although it is
the perfectly designed --
195
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,521
Crab cakes!
Stop doing that.
196
00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:20,857
Enjoying crab cakes?
I'll never stop doing that,
197
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,191
and that's
a goddamn promise.
198
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,526
Listen,
I don't know why you guys
199
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,778
are so obsessed with this,
but if you must know,
200
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,406
I've had
buckets of orgasms.
201
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:29,740
Pbht!
Of course,
202
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,701
like all high-powered
business women,
203
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:33,494
"me time"
can slip through the cracks.
204
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:36,622
That's why I have Gillian
schedule it as "wash hair."
205
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:37,999
You schedule getting off?
206
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,250
Five minutes?!
207
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,794
Two.
The last three I wash my hair.
208
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,673
Look, I'm comfortable
with my [whispers] sexuality.
209
00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:47,508
[ Normal voice ]
I just don't shout about it.
210
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,094
Plus, after 90 seconds,
I get sweaty.
211
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:53,639
Look, we just want you to be
open to the possibility
212
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:58,561
that the Wanky might be
more than just a childhood toy.
213
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:00,563
And that's
a beautiful thing.
214
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:04,317
Oh, I used to grind on my Furby
like there was no tomorrow.
215
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,568
I'll have the scallops,
216
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:07,695
and we weren't talking
about masturbation.
217
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:10,489
I would like to welcome you
all to Paul's 100%
218
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,117
company-sanctioned sexuality
in the workplace seminar.
219
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,244
And Brian's.
A short time ago,
220
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,914
our brave leader
took my hand and said,
221
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:21,751
"Paul, go forth and declare
that Seabben & Seabben --
222
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:22,960
Sebben.
Sure.
223
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,630
..."is a sex-positive
workplace."
224
00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,882
Therefore,
on she/her/hers behalf,
225
00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:29,717
let us acknowledge
we're humans
226
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,930
with sexual needs that
don't stop at the security desk.
227
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,097
This is a trick!
228
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,265
Sit down!
229
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,184
Okay, now,
before we begin
230
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,186
this day-long
immersive experience,
231
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,814
let's pick out where we fall
on the sexuality spectrum.
232
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:46,943
Does anyone know
what autosexual means?
233
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:48,736
Yeah, is lunch provided?
234
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,404
Go fuck yourself, Josh.
235
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,530
Literally.
236
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,282
Autosexual
is an individual
237
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,786
who prefers masturbation
over sexual intercourse.
238
00:08:56,869 --> 00:09:00,122
Does anyone identify
with that term?
239
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,791
Down.
Come on.
240
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:04,168
Saturday when the wife's
at the craft store,
241
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,545
you're doin'
a little slobby nobby?
242
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:12,677
Okay, took the ride,
got the sticker.
243
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,596
Not me.
Just a vanilla hetero-dude.
244
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,557
You know what, It's okay if you
don't know where you fall
245
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,851
on the sexuality spectrum
just yet.
246
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:23,688
That's what today
is for, people.
247
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,064
Down.
248
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:26,482
Now, follow me
249
00:09:26,565 --> 00:09:29,068
and make sure to stay with
your designated buddy.
250
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,736
You might have a future.
251
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,823
Next stop,
the computer everyone uses
252
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,033
to download porn.
253
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:40,413
Your new state-of-the-art
toy workshop!
254
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:41,747
Eat shit, Santa.
255
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,249
If you hate it,
we can burn it to the ground
256
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:44,333
and start again.
257
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,003
I can't make toys here.
258
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:49,171
There's no magic.
259
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,464
Oh, no?
260
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,508
One bottle of
magic dust...
261
00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:54,844
or I hope it is.
It wasn't labeled.
262
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,804
You reached it!
263
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,347
It's literally
four feet up.
264
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,766
But I think the magic
might be gone.
265
00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,729
We'll just make
more magic.
266
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:07,064
Owie!
Tears from an innocent!
Owie!
Tears from an innocent!
267
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,316
[ Grunts ]
Sorry!
268
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,860
I was on the varsity
judo team.
269
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:14,113
You've always been pure
of heart, Judy.
270
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:17,491
That's why you understand
the true spirit
271
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,201
of the Wankenschtuber.
272
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:24,123
♪♪
273
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:26,500
Judy: [ Echoing ] Owie!
274
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,046
This is for you, Maude.
275
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,173
[ Gasps ]
He names each one.
276
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:34,717
And your name is Penelope.
277
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,427
[ Cellphone chimes ]
278
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,767
Charlie:
Wanky buzz is off the charts.
279
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,143
Our pop-ups in Tokyo,
280
00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:45,519
Berlin, and Melbourne have
281
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,021
already run out of
the product.
282
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:50,149
"Mel-bun."
Somebody's been to Australia.
283
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:51,567
I can't
thank you guys enough.
284
00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,903
Now every child
can experience the joy
285
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,738
the Wanky brought me.
286
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,740
Look at all the people here
to experience
287
00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,825
your magic, Mr. Claude!
288
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:03,079
Ja, it's all
for the children, Judy.
289
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:06,415
Whores! There's a toilet
in across the street!
290
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,042
Adorable.
291
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,419
All the time we spent together,
you're like a...
292
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,254
surrogate dad to me.
293
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:16,592
And maybe I'm a little
like the child you never had?
294
00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:18,427
Has a son.
Third time.
295
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,512
[ Grunts ]
296
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:23,015
Wanky dropping
in five, four...
297
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,393
three, two...
298
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,103
one!
299
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,733
[ Crowd murmuring ]
300
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,195
[ Wankys vibrating ]
301
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,282
Charlie: Pssst, hey you.
302
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,367
Yeah you.
303
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:42,493
Come here.
304
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,829
Are you overworked
and under-sexed?
305
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:47,540
Why not take a "break?"
306
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:48,749
The Wanky.
307
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:51,127
Euro engineering,
expertly designed
308
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,462
to fit the contours
of your body.
309
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,422
Mmm!
310
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,799
Use Offer Code -- Judy123
311
00:11:56,882 --> 00:12:00,302
for an extra spicy surprise
in your box.
312
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:03,264
The Wanky
by Sebben & Sebben.
313
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,141
Ages 18 plus.
314
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:06,058
Shh.
315
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,853
Noooooo!
316
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:11,063
The surprise
is a fedora.
317
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,692
[ Breathing heavily ]
318
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,529
[ Thinking ]
Not today, Death.
319
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:20,948
You'll have me,
but not on this day.
320
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,659
Work the problem, Gill.
You need to eat,
321
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:24,952
but your boss said don't move.
322
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:26,912
God wants you to eat.
323
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,247
Focus.
324
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:32,084
Harness the power
of your mind.
325
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,044
[ Grunting ]
326
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,340
And here we have
the vending machine I call Tom,
327
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,677
where a shapely bottle of Fanta
gave me a quarter stiffy
328
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,263
that never quite made semi,
so I'm gonna add
329
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:47,766
an ObjectumSexual
sticker to my sash.
330
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,602
Bam!
331
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,437
Um, I really like
332
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,606
those little peanut butter
cracker sandwiches.
333
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:54,774
Like, a lot.
334
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,108
A lot, a lot.
335
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,444
There's no sticker
for what you have, Sharon.
336
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:01,197
Am I pansexual
or polysexual?
337
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,615
Ah, that's a great question,
Denise.
338
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:04,909
As it was when you asked it
10 minutes ago.
339
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,287
Okay,
poly comin' and goin'.
340
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:09,747
Get up here!
341
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,040
Hey, Brian?
342
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,042
Are there any feelings
coming up for you?
343
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,835
Any feelings at all?
344
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,504
I'd have to go
with the protein bar.
345
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,880
That's a replenishing snack
346
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,925
after I make missionary-style
love to a woman.
347
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:22,676
Oh, god, that's gross.
348
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,013
I'm so sorry about
what these deviants
349
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,182
have done to
your beautiful toy!
350
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:29,517
Don't apologize.
351
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,853
It was all part
of my decades-long,
352
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,856
unnecessarily
complicated plan.
353
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,067
Hey, guys,
back from PT-- Oh!
354
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:41,070
Yeah, I'm just gonna hang out
in Judy's office.
355
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,656
Ah, I'm nekkid!
356
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:45,199
Mr. Claude!
357
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:49,036
People of loose morals
and orifices,
358
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,830
let me tell you a tale.
359
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,415
Many years ago,
360
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:56,585
I came downstairs
to the shop floor
361
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,548
to find a small ginger girl
playing with my son.
362
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:03,759
Then I heard strange noises
coming from the back.
363
00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:07,012
So I went to see
what the rumpus was.
364
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:12,810
My wife, Maude, betrayed me
in the worst possible way.
365
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,770
But then I thought,
"Eh, fuck 'em,"
366
00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:17,856
and I used my magic
to curse Maude,
367
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:23,904
suck her ass into the Wanky
and imprison her for eternity!
368
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:28,617
Then, I anonymously sent the toy
to Phil to curse him,
369
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,704
knowing that that manslapper
would use it
370
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,081
and suck himself in, too.
371
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:38,627
But Little Judy found it first,
and she played with it
372
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,922
that the way
that I originally intended.
373
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,717
When Judy offered to make
more Wankys,
374
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:50,848
I used her to rid the world
of perverts like mine frau.
375
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:53,475
And if you've corrupted
the Wanky,
376
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,061
you will be sucked in
for eternity
377
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,982
to rot for your
goddamned sins!
378
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:06,113
And the dust from your tears
will imprison this lot forever!
379
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,449
[ Laughs ]
Sucker!
380
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:09,825
[ Wankys vibrating ]
381
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:12,911
Shh.
382
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:14,538
Birdteam? Go!
383
00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:19,585
I am a technosexual.
It makes perfect sense.
384
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:24,173
Thank you, Judy, for allowing me
to see myself as I truly am!
385
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,424
Well, look at this.
386
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,509
Everyone's got at least
one sticker.
387
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,638
Beautiful.
Except Brian.
388
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,391
Is it possible, everyone,
that his reliance on masculinity
389
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:38,646
has something to do
with his father?
390
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,648
Daddy's on a business trip,
Bri.
391
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,358
It's Just us now.
392
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,860
[ Shushing ]
Easy. Easy.
393
00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:46,654
Don't scare him.
394
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,614
♪♪
395
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,991
[ Heart beating ]
396
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,369
♪♪
397
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,162
[ Heartbeat stops ]
398
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,666
[ Beeps ]
399
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,379
Thank you for guiding me
on this journey.
400
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:04,546
Thank you!
401
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,382
Bravest person
I've ever met.
402
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,175
Oh, jack off, Josh.
403
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:11,136
Mark my curse,
ere it seals thy fate.
404
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,056
Use this nevermore
to masturba--
405
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,561
[ Static, indistinct voices ]
406
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:20,896
Trish: News happens.
407
00:16:20,979 --> 00:16:24,775
And this is
the "Syliva Situation."
408
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:28,445
The global devastation continues
as more people vanish
409
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:29,822
into thin air.
410
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:32,574
Some have drawn connections
to a new adult toy
411
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:33,826
that just hit the market.
412
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,203
The Birdteam
is roaming far and wide
413
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:39,081
desperately trying to prevent
the people of planet Earth
414
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,582
from masturbating.
415
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:44,253
With the latest on the Wanky,
we go to Diana Van Vleet.
416
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,295
Diana?
417
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,005
[ Moans ]
418
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,882
Ad lib. Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
419
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,510
[ Elevator dings ]
420
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:54,138
It's a ghost town in here.
421
00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:55,764
A sexy ghost town.
422
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,182
Judy:
Landing in three, two --
423
00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:00,144
Oh, right,
this window doesn't open.
424
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:01,979
We just released the damn thing
an hour ago.
425
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:03,564
Where do people
find the time!
426
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,941
See?
Look around you.
427
00:17:06,024 --> 00:17:09,695
Self-pleasure is part
of a healthy work-life balance.
428
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:12,823
Somebody feed
my Beta fish!
429
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:14,032
[ Glass shatters ]
430
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,451
Careful.
431
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,662
Don't fuck it up, Gil.
432
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,998
We're at the end here.
Final stretch.
433
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,500
Final Stretch.
434
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:25,544
I could do this.
435
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,757
Oh, tut, tut, fraulein,
you'll do better to know
436
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,925
who you're ficken mit.
437
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,261
Your accent,
it's interesting.
438
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:35,637
Westphalian?
439
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:36,972
Upper Saxon?
440
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:38,640
Or...neither!
441
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:42,019
Haha, 'cause you're not
really German, are you?
442
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:45,773
I know that because my first
boyfriend was a pretend German!
443
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,067
Take that, and that!
Seven, eight!
444
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,319
Okay, fine, I'm Austrian!
445
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,862
I'm Austrian!
446
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:54,406
Gillian's gone Carrie again.
447
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,492
Did I do good, boss?
448
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,327
I didn't mean
"don't move!"
449
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,038
Oh, you're so bad
at idioms!
450
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,414
Wait!
How did you --
451
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:03,916
if you didn't move?
452
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,501
I sat on it...
453
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:06,877
[ Laughs ]
454
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,253
[ People gasping, screaming ]
455
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,464
Tell me how to
break the curse.
No!
456
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:13,175
It's the least you can do
since you betrayed me.
457
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,177
Say it's a sex toy!
458
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,054
Say you stole
my childhood!
459
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,139
Nein!
I would say never,
460
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,642
but there's no word
in German for it!
461
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:25,354
Uch, you're like
a -- a hairy body pillow.
462
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:26,980
Evie: I found a way
to break the curse.
463
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,398
I'm listening.
464
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,359
So the Wanky came
with instructions.
465
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:31,527
You kept the box?
466
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,903
It's a collectible.
467
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,530
"Only a fair woman
in her Jesus year
468
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,281
with ginger hair
who's had a handful of
469
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:39,660
mild and mostly accidental
orgasms
470
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,328
can break the curse."
471
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:43,789
[ Clears throat ]
In terms of my orgasms,
472
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:46,959
I will admit most of them
have been mild and mostly...
473
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:49,211
accidental.
Oh, sweetie. Mostly?
474
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:51,171
Okay, all of them!
I'll bite,
475
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:52,881
how does she break
the curse?
476
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,800
She needs to f--
Play with her Wanky.
She needs to f--
Play with her Wanky.
477
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:57,636
The way God intended.
478
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,930
Don't listen to them, Judy.
479
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:03,892
Don't let them suck you
into their pool of cess.
480
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,602
It's a toy
481
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,772
Only you understand that.
482
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,108
Judy: There has to be
another way.
483
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:14,319
We need a place
abandoned by humanity
484
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,238
where there's no chance
she'll be disturbed.
485
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:19,074
Ho-ho, I know where I go
to flack the flep.
486
00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:21,201
Whores!
[ Siren wails ]
487
00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:23,245
You,
with the chimp nipples!
488
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:27,958
Everyone, everyone,
Judy Ken Sebben,
489
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:30,752
our sexual spirit leader!
490
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:31,920
Asexual!
491
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,047
Keep it in your pants,
Denise.
492
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,675
Or...
we do it in Judy's office.
493
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,261
Hey, gang!
Judy's gonna wank
494
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:43,640
and needs your support!
Come on!
495
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,767
Follow me, you're fired.
496
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,769
Look, lets dig up
those instructions.
497
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,730
I'm sure there's
another alternative.
498
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,482
Judy,
it has to be this way.
499
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:54,818
One wank
to save us all.
500
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,779
Unh-unh, this is a mission
for Judy.
501
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,698
Birdgirl's
a different party.
502
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:02,492
Evie:
A woman in her Jesus year.
503
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,622
[ Sultry jazz plays ]
504
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,624
This is all for me?
505
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:09,958
Mostly.
506
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,002
We don't have much time.
507
00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:15,130
Uh, next time one of you says
you're "really busy"?
508
00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:17,758
Let's leave you to it,
shall we?
509
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,801
[ Plate shatters ]
510
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:24,222
Please, God, tell me
he didn't use this one.
511
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,475
[ Wanky buzzing ]
512
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:31,563
Aah!
Who are you?
513
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,315
I'm Devon, Claude's son.
514
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:35,025
Now let's say
we wank together.
515
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:36,360
Just one more time.
516
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:38,403
It's a one-person game.
517
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:40,113
Not the way I play it.
518
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,282
[ Grunts ]
Yep, there you go.
519
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,951
Oops.
Did -- Did you just...
520
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,495
Sure did!
Curse is broken!
521
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,913
Want to get into this
seafood tower?
522
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,289
Otherwise,
I could really use the time
523
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:50,666
to finish up
some correspondence.
524
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:52,376
Way behind on e-mails.
525
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,002
I call next.
526
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:57,339
[ Grunting ]
527
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,507
The buzzing.
528
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,676
It's too strong.
I-I can't.
529
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:03,470
No, but we can.
530
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,474
[ Singing in French ]
531
00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:19,528
♪♪
532
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:20,529
[ Groans ]
533
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:22,823
Skeet Ulrich!
534
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,035
[ People murmuring ]
535
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,037
[ Elevator dings ]
536
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,957
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
537
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,251
Fooled around
and saved the world.
538
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:36,420
Jude, you did it!
539
00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:37,754
[ Wanky vibrates ]
540
00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:42,426
I've come to spread
the good news.
541
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:44,845
Who is that?
542
00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:45,971
Wait, is that?
543
00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:47,723
Maude? Claude's wife?
544
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:49,850
The curse is broken.
545
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:53,770
Wait, wait, don't go!
546
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,398
Oh, spectrosexual!
547
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,066
Turned on by sexy ghosts!
548
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,110
We need a flag for that!
549
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:04,823
[ Trumpet playing ]
550
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:06,658
[ Rapping ] ♪ Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪
551
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,368
Hey! Birdgirl!
552
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:09,911
♪ Wings of fire,
unique like pearls ♪
553
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:11,580
Hey! Birdgirl!
554
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,498
♪ Who's the one
they can't defeat? ♪
555
00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:14,958
Hey! Birdgirl!
556
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:16,710
♪ Ultra fierce,
and it's all you need ♪
557
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,963
Hey! Birdgirl!
558
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:21,923
Hey!
[ Imitating fanfare ]
559
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,508
Birdgirl!
560
00:22:24,968 --> 00:22:27,929
Made in Georgia.
36821
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