All language subtitles for Think.Like.A.Man.2012.1080p.BluRay.x264.YIFY-ing

♪ This is a man's world

♪ But it wouldn't be nothing

♪ Nothing

♪ Without a woman or a girl

CEDRIC: From the beginning of mankind

and throughout the world's history,

there have been clearly defined
rituals of manhood.

See, these rituals were definitive

in determining the exact moment

when a boy became a man.

(YELLING) (ROARS)

For example,

there's the moment when a
boy joins the other men

in his first engagement in battle.

Did you know that they used to have public
circumcisions in front of the village?

(SCREAMS)

Thank God mine didn't go public.

And the most significant
moment of all, marriage.

That's right, I said it.

In fact, marriage used to be

the ultimate goal of boys and men.

Because in the old days,

it was the only way a guy could get

what he really wanted from a girl.

(WOMAN MOANING)

See now today? Woo!

Things have changed, people.

I mean, men, we don't have to work

as hard to get what we want.

We got the Internet, for God's sake.

I can be whatever I want on the Internet.

Today, men have the home court advantage,

which has left you ladies

with several different types of men.

I mean, I don't even know where to start.

You got the Player.

♪ This is a man's world

Hi, Zekey.

You sexted?

Those aren't mine, asshole.

You sure that's not...

CEDRIC: Wait a minute, I'm not
done. You got the Mama's Boy.

Happy, Valentine's Day, sweetie.

And you, too, Mom.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you, sweetie.

You know, I think I'm just
gonna leave you two alone.

Wait, babe, where are you going?

It's okay, Michael. I don't
want to intrude.

I'll call you? Or not.

Poor little thing.

She's blonde.

CEDRIC: You got the Dreamer.
The Dreamer's funny.

♪ This is a man's world ♪

So I quit my job.

Yeah,

I wanna be a chef.

You wanted to be a paramedic,

you wanted to be a PR agent, and now

you wanna be a chef?

Baby, it's my dream.

Really, Dominic?

Because I wanted to be a ballerina

and Janet Jackson.

When I was seven.

Do you know what I wanna be now?

No.

Your ex.

CEDRIC: And last but not least,

you got the Non-Committer. Pass the ball!

This one is from me.

All right, baby.

All right! Now it's a party. Drum
roll. MICHAEL: Okay, big guy.

Oh, my God. I will, I will, I will, yes!

You will what?

(STRAINED) Oh.

Earrings

that I will always treasure.

You the man, boy.

Told you.

Yo! You need a beer?

CEDRIC: Now I'm not saying

there aren't a lot of good men out there.

Take, for instance, the
Happily Married Man.

Which brings us to my personal favorite,

you got the Happier Divorced Guy.

Look at that smile.

What I'm saying is,

the balance of power has shifted.

But, Zeke, those aren't my
only issues with Gail,

it's the nagging, it's the yelling,

it's the crazy mood swings.

I mean, you're not gonna talk
to me no kind of way.

I'm a grown-ass man.

Grown-ass man.

You know me, Dom, I'm grown.

Them weren't the only problems

you was having with Gail, though, right?

Yo, Zeke, do not get that man started.

I'm asking a question!

No, let's get me started up.

Turn the key! Say it, get it out!

Rumor has it that Gail
was whooping that ass.

What's the first word you said?

I think it was "whooping that ass."

No, first word you said was "rumor."

'Cause that's what it was,
Zeke. It's a rumor.

Ced, you walked in the gym the other day

with a little nugget in
the side of your eye.

I fell down the steps, Mike! Okay?

I got steps, my steps got a slope in them.

You ever walked down a slope
with dress shoes on?

Wait, so, she kicked your ass,
then you fell down the steps?

See, now it makes perfect sense.

CEDRIC: That's real funny.

Look at the white man trying to make
light of the relationship issues

of a brother. It's not like that.

No, it is like that. Let me
tell you something, J.

Black people marched and died

for the right to fight and treat
each other like shit.

Oh, my God. You did not march,

you do not have that right.
Neither do you, Bennett.

I saw it on TV.

They show those marches a lot in February.

Stop.

Your wife kicked your ass. It's
really not that big of a deal.

There's worse things. It's
my ex-wife. Okay?

Y'all need to get in the habit
of saying that. Ex-wife.

(ALL LAUGHING) You know,
it really kills me

how y'all like to laugh at my pain.

I can't wait till y'all experience

the shit I'm experiencing.

I say Rush Street, first round on Bennett.

Uh...

I'm supposed to have dinner
with Kristen tonight.

She'll understand, she's cool.
I'll send her a text.

VICKI: Welcome back, everybody.

We are still here

with best-selling author Steve Harvey.

Well, what I try to get
women to understand

is that times have changed,

but your playbook hasn't.

I've gotten thousands of letters

from all kinds of women

who can't seem to find a man, keep a man

or get what they want from their man.

Until you understand how a man loves,

how a man operates, how he thinks,

until you get into the mindset of a man,

you will never win with
us in the game of love.

VICKI: Well, we certainly
want to win with you

in the game of love, Steve.

We have a question in the audience.

WOMAN: Hi, Steve.

I've been living with my
boyfriend for five years

and he says that he loves me
and he's fully committed.

I guess what I want to know

is how come he hasn't popped the question?

He hasn't popped the question

because you haven't required him to.

VICKI: We'll be right back.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE
TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

MAN: Can I get two beers? Hey!

I'm Cedric. Cedric, Cedric.

Yeah, I'm not married.

That's why I'm not wearing a ring.

I'm sorry,

but Jesus has my heart.

Yeah, no, no, no, I get that.

I love Jesus, too.

I talked to him today,

I was like, "Jesus," I
said, "I need a girl!"

And I get here and I see you,

so I was like, "Thank you."

You see Ced over there trying
to pull that PYT?

MICHAEL: Oh, she bad as hell.

See, thinking like that,

you lose the game before you even step in.

What are you talking about?

I'ma go on and leave.

Hey.

She's crazy. And I don't like her knees.

Excuse me, Miss, I noticed
that you were...

(GROANS) Honestly, I couldn't care less

about whatever it is you have to say.

And I can appreciate that.

I just know that I've seen you here before

and you're usually so stunning...

And you'll always have those memories.

In fact, why don't you walk
away and pretend this...

I don't know what I did to
make you so defensive.

All I'm saying is, whatever it is,

it's no reason to let yourself
go, that's it.

Let myself go?

I didn't mean any disrespect...

Let me tell your tired ass something.

Something's changed.

Usually, there's an aura,

there's a glint about you
that I'm not seeing.

And I don't know if it's a relationship

or if it's job related, it's just...

Is that it?

It's work related?

Well, to be honest,

I was laid off from my job
about two months ago.

This damn economy.

How'd it go? CEDRIC: Not good, man.

Yo, I literally have nothing
to say anymore.

I don't know what's going on.

And my breath ain't right. (GROANS)

Drink a beer. You smell it?

You can't let that steal your smile,

'cause that smile that I'm talking about,

that's gonna get you that
next CEO gig, you get it?

See now? See? You're smiling.

Now I'm smiling.

I'ma walk away from here like a fairy now,

'cause I'm all happy.

A fairy? (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Have a good evening.

Thank you.

Got shot down.

(MOUTHING) Two, one...

Wait.

She calling him back for another
episode of crazy.

Here.

She probably shot him down. Twice.

Crazy, right? Man.

Talking about Jesus and she don't
speak English and stuff, right?

Luck of mine.

She actually gave me her damn number.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

The Dark Knight strikes again.

How great is Kristen, man?

Nice.

She's a phenomenal girl.

I just don't understand why
she's with this dude.

CEDRIC: Nobody does. How
good is your credit?

It's up. Low 400s, 430?

Goddamn! A 430?

You can't even get a Discover Card!

Don't white people start off
with a 500 credit score?

Five-fifty, 475 if you're a mulatto.

GAIL: Cedric!

Yes, Gail.

Gail, listen to what I'm trying to say!

Gail, I don't care!

I don't care what you take out the garage!

Gail, you can take the whole damn garage.

Let me tell you something.
Here's what I want,

and this is what's... (PHONE BEEPS) Hello?

Gail?

Y'all, I swear...

She didn't let me finish my sentence.
I don't like that.

Hey, Ced. When's the divorce
gonna be final?

Goodness, if I had to guess,

I'd say like four weeks, 367 hours,

22 minutes, 32 seconds.

That's just a guess.

Who's counting? ZEKE: But you
know what we should do?

We should take Cedric out for
celebration game night.

I can't do Sunday. This Sunday,

dinner with my ma. Little
casserole action...

JEREMY: That's every Sunday.

I can't do Sunday either. Jonah's
got a violin recital.

My God, dude, your kid has
way too many recitals.

Wait a minute, hold on, wait.
Your son play the violin?

And the cello. Yo, he's gay.

Playing the violin doesn't make him gay.

Yes, it does.

Name me one gay violinist.

Your son.

Listen to this.

Cedric is about to be released from
the shackles of Gail-Hell.

Forever. And we're about
to miss it for what?

Another Jonah recital.

By the way, he sucks. BENNETT: Really?

I'd expect that from them, not you.

What do you mean, "them"?

Like what, like black people or what?

Absolutely.

I don't get mad because he's
bold enough to say it.

Seriously, you have ears. Kid's tone-deaf.

This is his big solo. They're
playing the Gap Band.

You know, Dropped a Bomb on Me,

and he's got the last...
(MIMICS PLAYING) "Baby!"

Look, I got a great idea. I'll
have my mom cook for us.

She'll make some chocolate chip
cookies, a big casserole.

We'll do it the right way.

Mike, I almost punched you in
your damn face just now, man.

And I was gonna add a head butt.

I'm not going over your mom house

to celebrate my damn divorce party!

We gotta eat. We can start there...

I don't wanna eat with your mom!

I ain't going over his mom house.

Look, she just got the new Tyler Perry,

For Colored Girls on Blu-ray.

We'll just have a nice
little fellas night,

a chill-out night.

Let me tell you what happens, Janet
Jackson gets AIDS at the end

and some crazy guy throws his kids
out the window. You good?

Can we party now? Let's do it! I hate you.

All right, put 'em up! Yes, sir.

Fine, I'm in, man.

Life is great, fellas.
May it never change.

CEDRIC: None of us could have known

that the first bomb had been dropped.

The war had been declared.

And hard-worn secrets

had now fallen into the
hands of the enemy.

We had been betrayed by one of our own.

A man.

I'm talking about a man with a penis.

Someone who should know better.

And because of those actions,
a blitz was now on its way,

that would affect my entire
Band of Brothers.

VICKI: We have another question
in the audience, Steve.

Steve, I keep hooking up with guys

who don't want a relationship.

Why don't you stop hooking up?

Did you hear that?

Listen, men respect women
who have standards.

Just get some.

Exactly.

WOMAN 2: Steve, I'm a partner
in my law firm,

I own my own home,

but I've been single for three years.

Why can't I seem to find a man
to live up to my standards?

Maybe you need to adjust
them a little bit.

Bullshit. VICKI: Are you saying
that we should settle?

Look, you make six figures.
Does he have to?

Yes.

You own your own home. Does he have to?

Yes and yes.

VICKI: We have another question
here in the audience.

Hi, Steve. I'm currently dating

and I just wanna know

when is the right time for me

to introduce my man to my kid? Oh!

I know that single women
don't want to have

a parade of men coming through the house.

Exactly! I get that.

But if a guy is a serious contender...
What up, Momma?

Excuse you?

...bring him in as soon as
possible. Morning, Mom.

Because if you invest six months in a man

and then you introduce him to the kids

and he's not feeling the
kids, or vice versa,

then guess what? You just
wasted six months.

That's true. Did that.

Alex?

Alex!

Wake up!

Look, babe, I got us two
double-shot lattes.

Thanks, baby. Here.

Figured we needed some caffeine
after last night.

It was amazing. Mmm-hmm.

I'm gonna go and freshen up.

So, I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

Don't move.

Don't worry, I won't.

So, babe, I was thinking

maybe we could go on our first real date.

We could go see a movie? Yeah, babe.

We should do that.

Things between us are gonna start
getting real serious, baby.

MYA: Okay, so I was thinking maybe we could
go see the new Tyler Perry movie.

You know, the one where the guy's,

like, mean to his girlfriend,

and a nice guy comes and rescues her

and at the end, they both find Jesus.

Alex? So, yes to the Tyler Perry movie?

Alex!

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

"Michelle"?

It's Mya, asshole!

Mya.

(SIGHS)

Did this nigga take my coffee?

CEDRIC: It was like some long-hidden truth

had finally been released

in hardcover and paperback.

For my book club.

For me! For my mom!

For the first time in their
lives, women all over

stopped turning to other women
for relationship advice.

Really?

I got one too many.

Thank you.

Instead, they went straight
to a man, Steve Harvey.

He had made his name as a comedian,

but this shit here? This wasn't funny.

And because of this,

things would never be the same.

Excuse me?

Yeah, hi.

Hey, did you by any chance
go to Fairfax High?

Yes.

I went there as well. Michael Hanover.

Candace Hall. Yeah, I remember.

I had classes with your sister Lisa.

CASHIER: Next in line. I'm sorry,
I don't recognize you.

Well, yeah, I was, like, five feet tall,

99 pounds when we graduated.

I had the glasses and the buck teeth.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

That look familiar, maybe down here?

Yeah, you do.

I don't know if that's a good
thing or a bad thing.

You dissing me already?

Well, you've grown up. Quite nicely.

And you haven't changed a
bit. You look amazing.

Well, you need to put those
glasses back on, obviously.

No, actually, I'm nearsighted.

Besides, I mean, how could
I forget my teenage crush?

I used to look at you
walk down the hallway

and just fall into your smile.

I'm rambling, I do that when
I get nervous. Mmm.

CASHIER: Next in line.

Well, it was nice meeting,
I mean, seeing you.

It's nice finally being seen.

(CLEARS THROAT) CASHIER:
Next in line, please.

Candace?

Could we go grab a cup of
coffee or something?

We could maybe catch up on
old times we never had.

I can't, actually. I have to pick up my...

Husband? No...

You got a boyfriend? No, I have a son.

Oh...

Well, how about dinner?

Yeah.

KRISTEN: I finally get it. GINA: Get what?

Getting Jeremy to propose is like getting
Jeremy to paint the kitchen

or put the toilet seat down.

It's not gonna happen until
I require him to.

And I haven't required him
to do a damn thing.

Hmm.

You know we still go halfsies
on everything?

I thought that was your idea.

Yeah, in college.

He was work study and
I felt sorry for him.

And I am still paying for it, to this day.

Hey, I'm Kristen.

Hi, welcome. Welcome, please sign in.

Congratulations.

NIJA: Thank you. Six months.

Yeah, and we can't wait.

Thank you.

Here, come on.

Watch your step.

See, that is a man with a plan.

He knows what he wants,
he knows what he has.

I sell beautiful homes for a living

and we live in a frat house for the boys.

Last Valentine's Day, the boys were there.

So, you're saying, you're...

My God, I'm one of the boys,

except I have a vagina!

I swear to God, Frodo Baggins
had it easier.

I'm sorry, who?

Frodo, from The Hobbit.

I don't do hobbits.

Right, no, me neither. That's so lame.

Jeremy had a chess set.

It's totally stupid.

Okay, so what are you gonna do?

You're gonna trick him into
giving you a ring?

I'm not gonna trick him. I'm
going to require him.

It's been nine years. Uh-huh.

So, what makes you think
it's gonna change now?

I've got some new information.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, because Steve says "Don't
hate the Player..."

Change the game.

BENNETT: It's your shot. Wait!

You gotta raise your left leg.

(GRUNTS)

H-O, you're a ho.

Really? I'm a ho?

I've been with the same
woman for nine years.

I'm the Stedman Graham of
relationships, all right?

Bro, I'm not saying ho like "whore."

I'm saying ho,

like punk bitch that's been henpecked,

so he ain't got no more nuts,

'cause his girl runs the house. Oh!

Speaking of which, how's Kristen?
She's incredible.

We were up till 2:00 a.m. playing Call
ofDuty last night. She loved it.

She does it... She does it for you.

I know my woman, okay?

Fantasy? Science fiction? Action figures?

All the stuff I love, she loves, too.

No, she does that shit

for you, trust me. Deep down
inside, she's thinking...

This is some silly-ass shit.

What the hell?

No wonder Jeremy hasn't proposed yet,

he hasn't gone through puberty.

It's time for a little spring cleaning.

You first.

No, no. That's your problem, Gail.

You don't never want to listen,
you just want to talk.

What'd I say? I said I'm
gonna be there tomorrow.

No, no, no. Listen, Gail...

I'm not gonna go back and
forth with you. Oh, man.

'Cause I'm trying to talk and you ain't
gonna let me say what I... Hello?

Gail?

Did it again. Hung up on me again.

What do you call the three
rings of marriage?

No clue.

The engagement ring, the wedding
ring, and the suffer-ring.

Oh, and, in your case, the beat-ing.

This is not the time.

You know, y'all underestimate
me because I'm short.

No, it's 'cause you a fool.

What up? What's happening, baby?

The hell's wrong with you?

You're stoned. Yeah, you're high!

(GRUNTS)

Either you're high,

or everything on my eHarmony
profile is true.

I'm high off life, gentlemen.

I met this girl.

No, matter of fact, she's not even a girl.

I met a woman.

But you are a woman.

Order up!

Hey, guess who's back. Table eight.

(EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)

She is way out of your league, Dom.

Ain't no such thing, playboy.

All right, she probably spends
more here in one night

than you make in a month.

That's true, but, you know,

just think how much she'll
save if I cook for her.

Oh, you crazy.

Dominic. Scallions?

All right, Chef, coming up.

Well, you look cute. What's going on?

I do?

Yes. Thank you, that was nice of you.

Just, you know, Duke made Little League,

got a new laptop, met a guy.

I think I'm gonna try the white sea bass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Met a what?

A guy.

A real one? Not a blow-up doll?

Okay, don't look so surprised.
It's not that...

Honey, I'm just saying,

it's been two years since your divorce.

And three, maybe four, since you had sex.

I said I met a guy, Lauren,

I didn't say I was changing my last name.

Yet.

I need all the details,
honey. Now. Spill it.

Is she hot? Whoo! Pure fire.

Does she got real big titties?

Yeah, what's the rack like?
Tell us about the rack.

The rack. Definitely some white boy shit.

It is white boy shit. We love breasts.

You're not even white,
Bennett. You're clear.

He's got kind eyes. Soulful. Yes!

He's sensitive.

I know she got a fat ass.

She got that JLo, Serena Williams mash up.

Ass so big, I could hide underneath
it if it was raining.

That's way too much ass. No such thing.

Damn right, it ain't. The
bigger, the better.

But it wasn't just a physical attraction,

it was intellectual.

He loved The Immortal Life
of Henrietta Lacks.

He bought one for his mom's book
club. Isn't that sweet?

Yeah, and kind of gay.

He's a gentleman.

Yo, she a ho. I know she a
ho. Oh, definitely a ho.

Both of you, you both watch
your mouth, all right?

This one's not a ho.

She's a lady.

JEREMY: Whipped already. CEDRIC:
Enjoy it while it lasts, Mike.

Let me tell you something, it
ain't gonna last forever.

They all start out happy.

See, but here's when it gets real.

When you wake up in the morning,
and you go in the living room,

and you catch her pissing
inside of your Jordans.

And not the regular Jordans.

I'm talking about the ones with
the patent leather on the side,

where the pee don't come out.

Don't listen to them, Mike. Relationships
are beautiful.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

Just saying. So, when are
you guys going out?

Saturday night.

She got to find a sitter,
first, and then...

What, like a dog sitter?

No, she has a son.

What? She has a child.

All right, well, be careful
dating a baby mama.

Why?

Because she's the baby mama.

Dude, she ain't looking
for a couple laughs

and some butt-naked sex.

She been a couple laughs
and some butt-naked sex.

Preach. She looking for a husband.

A father for her son.

Speaking of which, where's the baby daddy?

Oh, good question, Zeke. Thank you.

JEREMY: Could be a psycho.

Just got paroled for killing
her last boyfriend.

Or he could be one of those guys
that like to hide in a bush

waiting for a strange guy

to come to his baby mom's house.

And when he gets there,
he pops out the bushes

hits this guy on the back
of the head with a brick.

Without even realizing

that this guy's relationship with
his baby mom was platonic.

They ever catch that guy?

No, it's a cold case.

The cops won't even revisit the case.

They said they couldn't find the brick.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

None of that matters. ZEKE: Really?

'Cause you should see her smile.

Oh, shit. All right! Okay.
Good night, Mike.

CEDRIC: Talking to you about bricks!

You wanna go talk about a smile.

There is one thing, though.

I knew it, he was born a woman.

No. (GIGGLING)

He's, you know, he's... He's what?

A little younger.

You have kidnapped a cub, haven't you?

No, I'll have you know,

he seems very mature, actually.

Mmm-hmm.

Wait a minute, why am I
getting all worked up?

We haven't even had a date yet.

I still need to qualify if
he's even a contender.

Qualify?

You know, like... What are
his long-term goals?

What are his short-term
goals? Can he provide?

Don't hit him with all that at once.

I know, don't worry. I
intend to be stealth.

You? How?

By acting like a lady, but
thinking like a man.

Oh, you fell for that sexist crap?

He's actually giving insight
into a man's perspective.

Why should I have to lower my standards

to get a man? Who does that?

I'm sorry. Now, what man?

I just want my equal.

Okay? Or at least an attractive,
cultured man.

Who's over six feet tall,
makes six figures,

and isn't intimidated by my success.

Okay, girl. Quit chasing the ghost
of James Merrill's past.

He is married and long gone.

Mmm. That man was fine.

Here we go. Let's do a
little research, here.

Ah! This is you. Please, I don't...

"Strong, independent, and lonely women."

I don't need some bald-headed
man on a book

telling me I am strong and independent.

Honey, that's a given.

But you forgot lonely.

You are a bitch.

You're too strong, Lauren.

There's no such thing as too strong.

And you know what?

If I were a man,

being the youngest COO of
a Fortune 500 company

would actually be a good thing.

Women would flock.

Yeah, but men flee when
you lead with that.

And it's not just your job, Lauren.

Remember what Marcel said
on your last date,

after you trumped his wine choice?

It was a better choice.

What were his words again?

"You don't need a man, Lauren,
you are a man."

Happy belated birthday. For you.

I'm just saying, all this
waiting for better?

It's making you bitter.

Hey, babe?

I stopped off for a beer, but
picked us up some dinner.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! My anime posters!
We got robbed!

Kris! Are you home?

Yes. Where's the fire? What's going on?

Have you not noticed that
we've been robbed?

I just tidied up a little bit. Relax.

Tidied up? Yeah.

Justice League? Darth Vader? SpongeBob?

Where are they? Are they okay?

They are safe. They're fine.

(SIGHS)

I just thought we could
paint the living room.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Paint.

Okay. And redecorate.

Redecorate? Yeah.

I thought you loved that stuff.

Why would you want to do that?

Because it looks like we live
in a frat house, Jeremy.

Oh, stop it. We are adults,
for Christ's sakes.

We make a decent living.

I think it's time to invest
and make this a real home.

With matching dishes and glasses

and a new couch.

Well, what's wrong with my couch?

Baby, you pulled it out of a dumpster.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure Annalisa was impregnated,
like, right there.

It's got cigarette burns, bong spills,

there was the scabies scare of '06.

You're being dramatic. No, I'm really not.

Your aunt who tinkles when she laughs?

She pissed all over the
couch last Christmas.

It's disgusting. We're like animals.

I cleaned up the bong spill
and the cigarette burns.

This couch has history.

And now it is history.

So, here are some new ideas.

I thought we could look it over.

Research some new styles.

Gotta zero in on a color palette.

I know you like mauve. You know?

There was that period you went through,

where you were partial to salmon.

Yeah, I'd rather watch Letters
to Juliet with you again.

I know you would. 'Cause you cried
at the end when they got reunited.

I wasn't crying, okay?

I was having an allergic reaction
to the perfume in the theater.

You bought the soundtrack.

It's a good soundtrack.

Look, I'm really bad at this. Okay?

Please, can you do this?

Without me? Really?

Really.

By myself?

Yeah.

I trust you. Awesome.

MYA: Okay, let me ask you a question.

Where is the last guy that you slept
with in less than 90 days?

You mean, John?

Hey! Baby!

'Sup, girl?

Hey, I had a great time the other night.

Oh, did you, Alex?

Yeah, Melanie. I was gonna call you...

Melanie? It's Mya, negro.

Yeah. I gotta go. So, I'll call you.

I know you did not just call her Melanie.

It's okay. I'm not even gonna
let him get to me.

(SIGHS) I am in a better place
and I am on another level.

I don't know, Sonia. I feel
like I have X-ray vision.

Like, Man Goggles.

You know, we spend all
this time complaining

about how guys don't want
to be in relationships,

they just want to hook up.

But really, all along,
we've had the power.

Right. We have?

Yes! We control the cookie.

She who controls the cookie
controls the game.

Oh, okay, I got it. What's the cookie?

It's a metaphor. For what?

For...

Oh. (GASPS) Oh!

Yes. The cookie! The cookie!

I got it. The cookie!

MYA: I'm telling you, the
power's in the cookie.

So, how do we control the cookie?

By putting it in the cookie jar,

clasping the lid on tight,
and leaving it in there.

Okay.

Until some little boy actually
grows up and earns it.

I get it.

It's kind of like when my cousin
had the five-date rule.

It was similar to that.

Oh, no. That's child's play.

I'm thinking something a
little bit more radical.

See, this is why you need to get the book,

because it has a whole chapter on it.

"Getting The Respect That You
Deserve: The 90-Day Rule."

Are you high?

No. Who is waiting 90 days?

If it's good enough for the
Fortune 500 company,

it's good enough for me.

See, when I worked at Ford Motor Company,

there was a 90-day probation rule.

I had to be on the job for 90 days

before they gave me a benefit package.

Ford figured this, "Let's
see how he performs.

"If he comes in on time,
if he proves himself,

"then we'll give him benefits."

So if Ford Motor Company waits 90 days

to pass out their benefit package,

why won't women wait?

You see, that's our problem.

It's that we keep giving it away

to some Axe body spray wearing man-ho

who thinks my name's Melanie.

But it doesn't matter, because
a girl's got needs.

Listen to yourself.

Do you really think you
could wait 90 days?

Yes. I spent six months dreaming

about a guy that I met once
at a wedding weekend.

The one you had sex with at the beach?

Yes, who never called.

Yeah, so, I definitely think
I could do 90 days.

Matter of fact, I could do
90 days before 90 days.

I am so sick and tired of men.

Maybe I should start dating women.

My God, I'll give you 50
bucks if you guys kiss.

But there has to be tongue.
Boy, get out of here!

(MAN 1 HOWLING) MAN 2: Gave it a shot.

What is wrong with the men
of this generation?

(LAUGHING) Like, what?

I ask myself that same question every day.

Whatever happened to respect for women?

Whatever happened to decorum?

May I have the honor of buying
you two lovely ladies a drink?

Absolutely. And thank you for asking.

We would like... Why?

Is it that you crave scintillating
conversation?

Or that you want to discuss the politics

and nuances of the Chechnyan War?

You know, I don't really discuss
politics on the first encounter.

And neither do we. This is why I'm...
Oh, no, I know what it is.

It's the visual thing, right?

You saw me, you sexualized me,

you wanted to get into my pants?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, but then, what is it?

Because, you know, you don't know me.

I could be a psycho.

I could be a serial killer.

I could have 16 personalities.

Let me get a Crown and
Coke. Got you covered.

And 16 of whatever she's having?

My name is Zeke.

Mya.

Nice to meet you, Mya.

Day one, 89 more to go.

COOK: Order for table 16!

Dominic. Valet's slammed.
Go park some cars.

Thank you. Thanks.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

CHORUS: ♪ I ♪ My, my, my, my

CHORUS: ♪ Oh, I

♪ Girl, you're the key to my happiness

♪ And I CHORUS: ♪ Can't
get next to you, baby

♪ Lord CHORUS: ♪ Can't get next to you

♪ I been trying a long time

Hey, that's my car!

♪ I don't know what to do CHORUS:
♪ Can't get next to you

♪ Ooh, let me tell you CHORUS: ♪ I

Who says you have to compromise?

♪ Oh, I ♪

Okay, where's the window?

(CONGA PLAYING ON STEREO)

♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer

♪ Feel the rhythm of the
music getting stronger ♪

(MUSIC TURNS OFF) Window. Window, window.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Not the
final destination.

Door open.

Ah, shit.

Hi.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you were following me.

No, just, uh...

Just out for a drive, that's all.

Have a safe drive.

Well, wait.

You changed your mind?

You think I could take you
to dinner sometime?

How's tomorrow night?

HARVEY: Look, we love the fact that
you're a strong, confident woman

with a fabulous job,

but we're men.

Our DNA is encoded to be the provider.

And if you don't ever let us feel

like we're in control and necessary,

we're just not about to profess
our love to you.

I mean, we'll just find us a woman

who actually makes us feel like a man.

Yeah, a ho.

We're kind of like dogs, see, you pet us,

we'll be loyal to you forever.

Yeah, dogs. There you go, Steve.

I don't need that book.

(DUKE WHOOPING)

Oh, yes! Yeah! Huh!

Oh, honey. Jennifer's coming
over tonight to babysit.

You're going to bingo with Grandma?

No, actually. I have a date. Really?

With a man or a woman?

A man! Duke, why would
you even ask me that?

Because I overheard Grandma say

that she was beginning to wonder.

You know I'm cool either way.

Yo, sorry I'm late.

Yo, Bennett, get in the game, let's go.

What's up, man?

I had the best night of my
entire life last night.

ZEKE: Is that right? Unbelievable.

Check ball. I thought you
got fired last night.

That's all right. I'll make
twice as much catering.

All right. Play ball. MICHAEL:
Hope she's worth it.

What you gonna do with that?
What you gonna do with that?

Count it!

Over the back!

See, I'm taking her to The Lounge.

Maurice hooked me up with a private room

and all I gotta pay for
is wine and a fat tip.

Nice.

So you gonna be escorting her
in that 2005 Honda Civic,

with the missing bumper or that $155,000
car she think you drive?

I'm just gonna level with her, I guess.

And tell her what?

That you an unemployed prep cook?

Zeke, unemployed Culinary
Institute graduate.

We talked about this.

Yes, that's not my point. That's stupid.

That's dumb, Dom.

You trying to get some,
you gonna have to lie.

Listen, one time I told Gail
I just won the lottery.

I need some gas money so I can go redeem
the ticket. She gave me $20.

Don't lie to her.

I don't want to lie to her.

Okay, hold up. You don't
have to lie. You omit.

Just, no, no, you omit.

You just tell her you're a high-end chef

that's in between gigs.

Your car's in the shop.

She think you drive an expensive car,

you're not driving it 'cause
it's in the shop.

Matter of fact, my cousin,
he got a town car company.

I'll get you a town car.

So all you gotta do is wine
her, you dine her,

you tattoo your name in that ass,

then you tell her the truth.

Gail thought I was an account executive

and I met her in the mail room.

I had mail in my hand.

Yeah, but you became an account
exec right after that.

That had nothing to do with Gail.

She set up your interview. No,
she didn't. Thomas did.

Don't cut me off, Mike. That's what
Gail do, I don't like that.

MICHAEL: Why's he so sensitive?
All right, Dom, either way,

once a woman's into you, she'll
put up with anything.

Trust me.

Only if you're putting it on her right.

All right. That's...

Come on, man.

I'm gonna go clean the ball off.

MICHAEL: Bennett, just wipe it off.

BENNETT: No, I got some
sanitizer in my bag.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(QUESTIONING IN ITALIAN)

Sorry, man. Wrong apartment.

(QUESTIONING IN ITALIAN)

That's my lucky chair.

What are you guys doing?

Baby! What do you think?

We spent the entire day at H. D. Buttercup

and we decided to go

with modern with a mix of vintage.

"We"?

Yeah. Gianni, our designer.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Old out, new in, beautiful, eh?

(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)

I think it doesn't even look
like our place, babe.

Exactly, it looks like grown-ups
live here. I love it.

Stop!

Put the chair down.

The lucky chair stays.

Compromise.

(GIANNI EXCLAIMING IN ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Fuck, what... You speak Italian now?

♪ They love how we do it

♪ They love how we do it ♪

Oh, my God.

That's your dress. Yeah?

Your ass looks great in that dress.

No, it's too sexy.

There's no such thing.

Sonia, I want him to last
90 days, not 90 seconds.

I want to project "Keeper,"
not "Sports Fish."

Okay, what the hell is a sports fish?

See, this is why you need
to read the book!

I don't want to read the book.

Steve says that a guy only
fishes for two reasons.

Number one, he fishes to eat.

That means he's looking for a keeper,

somebody to take home,

somebody to introduce to his mom,

somebody to build a life with.

Or two, he's looking for a sports fish.

That means he's looking for a trophy,

somebody to show off to his buddies,

put up on the wall as a prize.

But you gotta be careful with that one,

'cause he's gonna throw that one back.

Okay.

How do I look?

Like a keeper. With a great ass.

Yeah? Yes!

Right. Now, the question is, is he?

Now I just need my hit list.

Now, what the hell is a hit list?

Will you get your wine off my hit list?

Girl, you're crazy.

This is where I wrote down my strategic
dos and don'ts for my date tonight.

Okay, you know you sound like
you're going to war, right?

Yes, girl, because love is a battlefield.

Oh, boy.

Steve says you have to set
the requirements very high

before you even get in the car,

'cause you don't want to
become Chirp-chirp Girl.

A what?

Chirp-chirp. He just hits
the locks and you hop in.

He don't even have to open the door.

I don't see nothing wrong with
being a Chirp-chirp Girl.

♪ Baby, tonight, the night I let you know

♪ Baby, tonight, the night we lose control

♪ Baby, tonight

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Amazing.

♪ Tonight, I'll be the best you ever had

(GASPS) Sweet!

Where to? Goddamn, look how
small your skirt is.

(WHOOPS) (DOMINIC CLEARS THROAT)

Right. Unprofessional.

Sorry, sir, take it out of my tip.

♪ I don't wanna brag but I'll be

♪ The best you ever had ♪

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Um...

It's open.

I don't go out on dates with guys
who don't open the door for me.

Really? Really.

Seriously? Yes.

Aw, man!

No, he didn't.

Got you!

Your chariot awaits.

Thank you.

Funny guy, huh?

I do okay.

Hey, look, I think there's
a few basic questions

that every woman should ask a man

to determine two things,

if this guy has a plan for you,

or if this guy is just
gonna play with you.

My short-term goals?

What, you mean like tomorrow?

I need a bong hit.

MICHAEL: To answer your question,

I guess my long-term goals and short-term
goals are the same thing.

CANDACE: How so?

Well, my entire life,

it's always been about hard
work and improving myself

and I guess what I'm looking for now is,

you know, someone I can share it with.

So... So, have you...

You go ahead, you go. You go.

Um...

What are your short-term goals?

You know what?

I'd like to skip dinner and
get right to dessert.

DOMINIC: That's where it started,

you know? Really?

This is a great choice.

Thank you. Thank you.

So, Lauren, tell me more about yourself.

What do you do?

I'm in management.

For a media company.

Yeah. But I don't wanna talk about
me, my work. Long week.

So, tell me about you. What do you do?

Um... I'm a chef.

Really? Where?

Well, I'm actually

deciding between two different
offers. That good, huh?

Yeah. But I don't wanna...

I kinda don't want to jinx it, you know?

No, I get it. No, don't, you shouldn't.

(MIMICS ZIP)

Okay, you know what?

Let's not even talk about work anymore.

Yeah, let's not.

So, what are your views on relationships?

Or your long-term goals. Either one.

Um...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(STAMMERING) To be honest,

I really want to open my
own restaurant one day.

Sorry, that's work.

No, that's a dream.

We can talk about dreams. Dreams are good.

It's nice to hear a woman
actually say that.

I just believe you can make
any dream come true

if you're willing to work
hard enough to get it.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Cheers. Salud.

(EXHALING)

Remember when we were in college
and we used to get

like, so high and talk for hours?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Like about our dreams, and like
our plans and our goals.

And time travel.

Like, what do you think about
the future, Jeremy?

I don't think we'll be riding around
in hovercrafts or anything,

but droids.

Definitely droids. There better be droids.

No, I mean, like your future, Jeremy.

What are your long-term goals, Jeremy?

Who are you, Oprah?

You're funny. (LAUGHING)

I just have this amazing idea
of a rocker, chic kinda look,

so, it's really exciting.

No, that is exciting. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, um,

what are some of your long-term goals?

Kind of a fly-by-the-seat- of-your-pants
kinda guy, you know?

Oh, okay.

That's cool.

(R&B SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

Oh, turn that up. Turn
that up, turn that up.

That is my... Yeah.

You know these guys?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHS) My band opened for them once.

You have a band?

Had.

Had a record deal for a second.

Let me hear your CD. Come on!

What makes you think that I have a CD?

I don't know anybody who's
been in an R&B band

who doesn't have their
own CD in their car.

Wow, I feel so unique right
now, it's crazy.

That's why you're reaching for it. Yeah.

Let me see it.

Wow!

That is crazy.

Hey, at least I didn't have a Jheri curl.

(LAUGHS) What?

Play me your favorite track.

Wow.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please say a command.

CD. Play track

seven.

Playing track seven.

♪ Last night I had a dream about a dream

♪ About you

You wrote this?

♪ Now every time I think it seems to be

♪ About you

This is beautiful.

♪ One minute I was over love

♪ A second later I was a part of us

Who was she?

Who?

The girl who broke your heart.

What makes you think a
girl broke my heart?

Track seven.

I left that all on the track.

♪ Last night I had a dream about a dream

♪ About... ♪

Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay, wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong, what's wrong?

It's just... I don't do
this on the first date.

Okay, um, I understand.

I'm a Christian, too.

I respect that, you know, and...

I had a really wonderful time.

Me, too.

Well, thanks.

There. I accomplished it.

Accomplished what?

My real short-term goal.

You dog.

So, listen.

I've been thinking about this all night.

I want you to meet my mother.

Really?

It would really mean a lot to me.

Well,

I'd like you to meet my son.

I would love that.

Just name the time and place...

Hi, I'm Duke.

Did you touch my momma?

Whoa, no.

It was PG, little homie, not even PG-13.

Sure. You like video games?

Have you ever played Street Racer Three?

No.

Then you haven't lived, my man!

(LAUGHS)

You have a good night, all right, Candace?

Good night. Thank you.

It's nice to meet you, Duke. Make sure...

Nice to meet you, too.

I really had a nice time tonight.

I had a really good time, too.

Okay, okay, okay.

This is officially good night.

Okay, you know what? I
could use a nightcap.

A nightcap. Yeah.

Yeah. Um...

There's this really nice
bar around the corner.

You should have fun.

What... So it's like that?

You have no idea.

So, how long are we talking
before I get invited up?

Five dates.

For a nightcap.

Good night.

Wow.

This bitch is crazy.

♪ My sexy love

♪ So sexy ♪

(GROANING)

Morning, beautiful.

Hi.

Thanks.

I, um...

I made you breakfast.

Seriously?

Yeah.

From my kitchen? Let me take that.

It's a simple eggs Florentine,
but with a twist,

because I used the ingredients
from your Thai takeouts.

Simple? This looks amazing.

Well, let me know what you think.

Mmm.

This is so good.

Yeah? Well, I love a woman who can eat.

And I love a man who can cook.

Maybe you'll let me do it
again for you sometime.

(COUGHS)

Juice, please?

A little spicy?

Thanks.

Who's that?

That's my best friend, Candace.

Okay. And my godson, Duke.

You know, you're not exactly
what I picture

when I hear the word "godmother."

Thank God for that.

You let yourself in again, huh?

I didn't expect you to be here.

I figured you'd be tiptoeing
around her place.

Well, first of all, I live here, not you,

and second, she has this five-date rule

before I get invited up.

Can you believe that?

I'm the Negro Gigolo, the original Nigolo.

Five dates?

What, is she some type of Farrakhan
Muslim or something?

She's a diva.

She literally refuses to
walk through a door

unless I open it for her.

Gail used to do that.

Gail used to get on my nerves with that.

"Get the door for me. How am I walk
in and you ain't open the door?"

"My hands hurt. You better
open that goddamn door!"

That's why I'm gonna end it right now.

Yeah, you need to.

'Cause you don't need her.

You got me, and what we got is special.

Open her door. (SCOFFS)

It's 2012. Come around and open my door.

I don't know, Sonia, I just felt
like a different woman.

I felt so in control and strong, and...

What about him?

Well, I think...

Oh.

It's him.

"Are you available for dinner
tomorrow night?"

Well, are you?

Well, I do believe that I am.

But I do not go out with guys
who ask me via text.

She trippin'.

You know, Gail always suggested
them egg whites,

she said they was better for you.

Hey, can you put a shirt on
while you cooking, man?

(WHOOPS)

Look at these hours.

What you come in here glowing
for like you're pregnant?

My boys.

Hey, you got some. Oh! On the first date?

Homie scored.

DOMINIC: Yeah, I did.

And I'm totally screwed.

We never once talked about my job.

You really like him. I really do.

I don't even know how much he makes.

Whoa! And you know what? I don't care!

I believe in his dreams.

She thinks I'm a chef on the rise.

With a cold-ass Benz.

And a sexy limo driver. I
looked good last night,

I had the hat cocked to the side.

Guys, she's going to run when
I tell her the truth.

Whatever you do, you don't
tell her the truth.

Thank you. You delay.

Hell, I wouldn't tell her until
she was in her third trimester.

Yeah, I can't do that. ZEKE:
Dom, I know you, okay?

And you're trying to grow
a conscience here.

Trust me on this one.

Honesty is overrated, man.

Hey, that's in the Bible. Old Testament.

I just don't want a relationship
based on lies.

That's called marriage.

Dom, you don't fool me.

I know what this is about.
This is about sex.

You didn't do what you were supposed
to do in the bedroom.

That's why you walk through here

with your shoulders all slouched

and your self-esteem all low.

It's true. When you don't smash right,

the insecurities come out on you.

You know what he did? He gave it a LD.

Lazy Doodle. That's exactly what he did.

Right. You gotta put it down
like the right enforcement.

I can't do this no more. I'm
done. I'm done with this.

Like, dude, put a shirt on. It's us!

There's no one else here, just us!

So, you're telling me she's got a son?

Yeah! Duke. He's six years old.

An amazing kid, full of energy.

That's an awful lot of
responsibility, baby.

Well, she's a really responsible
woman, Ma.

I'm not talking about her,
I'm talking about you.

You really think you got what it takes

to date a single mother?

Well, I was raised by a single
mother, wasn't I?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, but I'm one of a kind, baby.

Trust me, Ma. You are going to love her.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE
TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Thank God!

Somewhere familiar.

Some place that hasn't changed,

that still looks the same.

Yo, J, what's wrong with you?

My Fortress of Solitude has morphed

into a damn Bed, Bath and Beyond.

What does that mean?

I'm telling you, he talks in code.

Listen, Kristen, she redecorated.

CEDRIC: Redecorated? Why
didn't you say that?

No, no, no, she didn't redecorate.

She obliterated.

Every trace of my identity,
gone! My anime posters,

Battlestar Galactica shot glasses
that you used to like,

it's all gone.

May I?

Wait a minute. She ain't even ask you?

She just threw your stuff out?

That's some takeover shit right
there. That's crazy.

I was starting to feel like someone else.

Someone warm and modern with
a smattering of vintage.

That's probably your lips
tingling. It's a STD.

You just put your mouth on Zeke's drink.

Oh! And she threw away
my couch! Thank God!

(ALL CHEER)

Hail Kristen!

That couch has a lot of memories, guys.

CEDRIC: Is that what that smell was?

Yeah, all of us got laid on that couch.

Twice.

You've had that couch since
college, right? Yes!

That's some white boy shit.

No, that's some Jeremy shit.

ZEKE: No, that's some white boy shit.

I graduated college, I
got rid of my couch.

What college did you go to?

DeVry, Class of February. Valedictorian.

Whose side are you on?

Ain't no brother on the planet
gonna let no fine-ass sista

sit on no stinky-ass couch from college.

Preach, boy! It don't matter what happen,

you go and you find a way
to get that furniture,

figure how to pay for it later.

Yeah, don't do that, though. That's called
negro shit. Don't ever do that.

BENNETT: That is negro shit!

You guys do that a lot.

You pay for something you can't afford.

Ced, you couldn't even
afford your wedding!

I'm making my payments.

Listen, Kristen is a great girl.

Don't mess up something good over
a damn couch, all right?

Something's up.

CEDRIC: The game was on,

but not the one we were watching.

While we were sitting there on our asses

watching the game,

our team was getting destroyed.

The other team was drawing up plays,

planning their strategies,

and plotting their next moves.

Hey, you.

JEREMY: You still up?

I thought you were sleeping.

I couldn't put this down.

Mmm. Yeah.

CEDRIC: Jeremy didn't even
know he was under attack.

Hey, uh... God, it was such a trip.

I ran into Sarah's little brother. Oh.

And he told me he got a job at Neversoft.

Cool.

Yeah.

Weren't you offered an
internship there once?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Turned it
down for a real job.

Right, yeah, that junior level
one that you're still in.

What?

(SIGHS)

CEDRIC: My brothers didn't even
know they were at war.

They were lost in the honeymoon phase.

They were too busy enjoying the ride.

All right, who's hungry?

I'm hungry, but, babe, babe!

Damn! Look at that ass!

ZEKE: That's nice. She's hot.

Guys, come on, that's somebody's daughter.

Wait, that's the baby mama?

Mmm-hmm. That's Candace?

That is Candace.

I know the baby mama.

No, she's Lauren's best friend.

LAUREN: So, apparently they play basketball
three times a week at the Y,

and Dominic says that Michael is the
most successful guy he knows.

Really? (LAUGHS) You scored!

I did well? You know what,

Michael said Dominic is
a really amazing chef.

I know, I know! I love food.

Oh, no, bitch. What?

We can double date.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Oh, that's not good.

That's not good at all.

Let's go play basketball, guys.

Yeah, let's do that.

ZEKE: Whatever you do, don't double date.

That's right. Damn, Ced.

Really?

I was in the middle of getting dressed.

J, you're losing the game for us!

Me? Yo, you are killing us right now.

I'm setting screens, you gotta
be using the screens.

You shot one for 27.

The shot I made was a game changer, J.

That's it, I'm done. New teams next week.

I'm not being on his team anymore.

I'm not the one that's not
coming off the picks!

Excuse me, y'all done here?

We want to play some full court.

Oh, yeah. Y'all take it.

No, no, no, we're not.

Got a lot more basketball to
play over here, fellas,

so looks like you picked the wrong
court to try and come and take.

We just ran three games! Uh-uh!

MICHAEL: Yeah, Ced, we're
good. No, we're not.

We are not good. Sorry.

Yo, so y'all stepping off or what?

Yeah, we were stepping.
I was stepping on...

Stepping off? Who are you, Shaft?

How about you get some language
from this year?

So why don't you, and the stronger
version of Prince,

go back down to that side of the court

and do what y'all was doing?

'Cause if y'all want the court,

you'll play us for the
court like real men.

So y'all want to play for it.

You heard what I said.

Am I stuttering, huh? Suckas.

They're not gonna punk us. We men! Ced.

People come in here, think they got us.

ZEKE: You are not serious.

I am serious. It is what it is.

Oh, shit.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I thought it was just two of them.

I did not see the rest.

Turn around and say you're sorry.

It's too late. We're in it. Apologize.

No, I'm not apologizing for shit.

Michael, this is when you be a man!

All right, guys. If a game
is what you want,

a game is what you gonna get.

You wanna play?

JEREMY: Ced, let him go!

ZEKE: Cedric! What are you doing?

JEREMY: You okay? ZEKE: Get up, get up.

JEREMY: So embarrassing.

I really tried to take it. It was obvious.

I really did. I swear to God,
I gave it everything I had.

I sprained my esophagus in the last game,

so I'm gonna sit this one out.

Your esophagus is in your throat.

Shut up, Bennett. Zeke, we need six.

Zeke! Forget Zeke, we'll just
have to play with five.

Listen, we are men.

We tie our shoes up the same way they do.

Yeah, their shoes are bigger.

It don't matter. Be a man!

When I come out this,

you better say who you got
and you better mean it.

Let's go. D up.

I got her. Let's go. Get
yours. I got mine.

MAN: We welcome you all to the
JW Marriott Los Angeles.

CEDRIC: But then, the bubble burst.

For Dominic, the tables turned
on Tuesday afternoon.

MAN: ...the best year in
your company's history.

She is not just the youngest
COO you've ever had,

but the very best.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Harris.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

(DISHES CRASHING)

Aw, shit.

Mom? There you go. LORETTA: Hey!

Mom, I would like you to meet Candace.

BOTH: Hi!

CEDRIC: For Michael, the bomb
dropped on Wednesday.

I've heard so much about you.

Well, I've heard nothing about you!

We just talked about her last night
at dinner. What are you...

Well, I don't remember.

Mom, why are you...

I don't remember.

It's beautiful, your home.
Just gorgeous. It's great.

Hmm.

Oh, wow, look! Look at this,

I have this exact same frame for my son!

Oh, that's right, you're
the one with the child.

Now let me ask you, sweetie,

what does your baby's daddy think
about you dating my Michael?

Oh.

Or is he incarcerated?

You know, how you people run
around, I don't know.

Incarcerated? No, why would you...

Candace, would you like
a tour of the house?

Yeah, why don't we give Tandace
a tour of the house?

Candace. It is Candace.

Tan... Tandace?

It's... Candace, with a...

I can tell she really likes you.

Come on, let's take a tour. Now
come on, let's take a look.

Just come on.

LORETTA: Doesn't it tell a story?

I've tried to capture all
the special moments

with me and my baby boy.

I bet you don't remember when I
got you that bracelet, though.

Outside of Paris,

this little shop with the
cute little jewelry...

Remember that look on your face
when you opened up that box?

Yeah, I know, I know.

I thought we were in Milan.

No, we'd come from that restaurant...

Oh, baby, you're in my room.

It's where all the magic happens, girl.

CANDACE: Wow. MICHAEL: What do you think?

It's like a time capsule.

Oh, I keep everything the same for him,

for when he sleeps over.

You sleep over?

Just on Sunday nights, baby. It's nothing.

And Sunday nights have always
been reserved for his mother.

And they always will be.

I make his favorite food,
and then we play rummy.

Mom is the best rummy player right here.

♪ A chiky-chiky rummy-rummy ♪

Come on.

I'm not gonna do it, not
in front of Candace.

Well, let me get your laundry.

Laundry?

Let me help you with that, Mom.

I need some more socks, Mom.

LORETTA: They stink! (LAUGHS)

But you know, I don't mind the stinking.

I just gotta scrub them a little more.

Scrubba-dub-dub. Baby Michael in the tub!

(LORETTA LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Shit.

CEDRIC: For Zeke, the cookie
crumbled on Thursday.

So, the night is young.
What do you wanna do?

Well, it is our fifth date, right?

It is? I don't know, I lost count.

Did you really?

(CHUCKLES)

So, nightcap?

Okay.

Yeah.

So it's kind of small,

but I really got it for the French windows

and 'cause it's close to work.

So...

Stunning.

Um...

Yeah, maybe we should
get more comfortable.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um...

I'm gonna put on some music.

Or you know what?

Better yet, maybe you should
go ahead and choose.

Cool.

That vinyl?

Yeah, I'm a bit of a purist.

I'll be right back. Okay.

Don't leave. I mean...

Don't leave.

I won't leave. Okay. All right.

Wow. You really are a purist.

How the hell did you get this on vinyl?

No.

(SLOW DOWN PLAYING)

♪ Can we

♪ Slow down

♪ I wanna take my time and enjoy you

♪ Enjoy you

♪ Everything else can wait
I want it right, right now

So, um, how do you take your coffee?

CEDRIC: See, Zeke found out the hard way

that sometimes, a nightcap
means just that,

a nightcap.

Three shots of Jack.

You're so silly.

(DOOR OPENS)

Yo!

Oh, Ced, what you run outta this time?

I ain't had no milk.

Hey, let me ask you a serious question.

You think I look like Idris Elba?

'Cause the stripper down at the new club
Sweaty Crack told me that last night,

but I had a lot of ones in my hand,

so I don't know if she was
trying to play me or not.

Don't even answer. Don't worry about it.

'Cause it made me feel
good when she said it.

All right, looks like somebody
got invited in.

How'd it go?

We had coffee.

And? Mint Milano Cookies.

And?

And we talked and we talked

about our childhoods and art and music,

and Plato's Allegory of the Cave.

What is Plato's Allegory of the Cave?

It's actually very profound.

On par with Bishop Don Magic Juan book

of pimp knowledge and street wisdom,

which is a very good read.

Five dates and all I get
is a cup of coffee.

What is wrong with her?

Ain't nothing wrong with her.
What's wrong with you?

Looks like the old Negro Gigolo
is losing his flow.

I'm in a relationship without sex,

when all I'm really trying to get
is sex without a relationship.

So, when you gonna see her again?

Saturday night, nigga. Mind your business.

Nice job.

Hey, Zeke, when you go upstairs,

you gonna look in the toilet,

it's gonna appear to be stopped up,

I don't know for sure.

I just didn't know where the plunger was,

so don't be caught off
guard when you see it.

There's a lot.

So we stayed up all night... SONIA: Okay.

...and we talked about everything.

Did you keep the cookie in the cookie jar?

(CHUCKLES)

But of course. Nice.

I'm not gonna lie, though,
and say that it was easy.

I don't know, when he kissed me,

it was like sex.

So, yeah, thank you for your
advice on the undies.

Which ones did you wear?

The granny ones. The grandma drawers?

I told you the ugly panty
trick would work.

You wasn't trying to listen
now. And it worked.

Now that it's not just a theory,

do you really think you can last 90 days?

Monique!

It's Mya!

Call me!

It's Mya, asshole!

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I can definitely
do 74 more days.

Okay, Monique.

LAUREN: I'm canceling the date. Why?

He's a part-time waiter.

May I remind you, Miss Thing,

that we were both waitresses

for two years at Olive Garden?

Candace, we were in college.

I'm talking about a grown-ass man,

who admitted that he was valet-parking
the Benz he chased me down in.

It's kind of romantic.

It's kind of pathetic.

I thought you didn't care
about how much he made.

I thought you believed in his dreams.

But not his pipe dreams. Come on!

Okay, fine.

Dump the first guy who puts
you before anything else

because he doesn't make six figures.

Please, he doesn't even make four.

And I can't invest that kind
of time in something

that I know won't yield
tangible dividends.

Would you listen to yourself?

Dominic is a person, Lauren,
not a stock portfolio.

Like Steve Harvey says,

there's no such thing as the perfect man.

You have to compromise on something.

What do you have to lose?

My youth.

So, wait. She just canceled on you?

She was about to. Then she got
interrupted by her boss.

It's messed up. You know what?

Who needs her whole fancy presentation

and her board of directors?

I make an honest living
and I pay my taxes.

Most of the time.

Let me tell you something,
Dom. I agree with you.

I'm an American, too and I agree
with your plight, brother.

ZEKE: I second that.

JEREMY: Yeah, we got your back.

ZEKE: What's good with you, Mike? What up?

So, how did it go between
Candace and your mom?

It was...

CANDACE: I'm slowing things
down with Michael.

LAUREN: Why?

He already has a woman in his life.

Oh, that son of a bitch. Who is it?

His mama.

What? Ew.

Ew.

My mom thinks she's nice.

Yeah, right.

No woman has ever been good
enough for your mom.

You think the first one she gonna
root for is the baby mama?

Good luck with that. CANDACE:
Listen to this.

"Could we reschedule beach day?

"I promised to take my mom
to choir practice."

I can't do that to myself again,

and I won't do that to Duke.

We both deserve a man who's all in.

Well, then set your standards.

Oh, my God, I can't believe

I'm quoting anything from
that silly little book.

You tell Michael

that you don't want to come in
between him and his mother

and that if he wants to
continue dating you,

then you must be a priority in his life.

She's had him his whole life.
I can't compete with that.

Well, then dump the first man
you've met in three years

that genuinely cares about you and Duke.

Oh! Wait a minute, there's no such
thing as a perfect man, right?

What do you have to lose?

Isn't that what you've been
preaching to me all night?

Oh! Okay.

I will if you will.

CEDRIC: It was the darkest hour.

The guys were under a full-scale attack.

But everything changed on D-Day.

♪ That booty, that booty

♪ Baby, baby, shake it

♪ That booty, that booty, that booty

♪ That booty, that booty, that booty ♪

Okay, tell me something. How does it
feel to officially be a free man?

Great. Okay, listen,

I can do whatever I want... Okay.

...whenever I want, with
whoever I want. Okay.

I'm free from all the "tie-ranny"...

It's "tyranny". Will you shut up, Bennett?

Let him finish what he's saying!

I just want you to have proper grammar.

All right! I'm free from all
the tyranny and oppression.

And nagging from all women
for good. You hear me?

Matter of fact, only woman
I want to talk to tonight

is dancing butt-naked down
at the Ass Factory.

What happened to the Sweaty Crack?

They got shut down. Health-code violations.
JEREMY: Heard about that.

(LAUGHING)

But here's the thing, I like
the Ass Factory better,

'cause the girls down there are nasty.

But they're my kind of nasty.

Ced! Ced.

Don't judge me! I'm going
through a divorce, homie.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Hey, yo, Lauren
confirmed our date tomorrow.

I thought you and that Lauren was done.

Why you all in the man's business?

I thought my man said he
was done with Lauren.

You are whipped!

He's worse than Mike. Chill with
that "worse than Mike."

You wanna hear a good story? No.

Ced, tell them about the night
you saved it with Gail.

I'll take this goddamn bottle
and knock your face off,

you bring Gail up again.

I don't wanna talk about Gail!

All I want to talk about
is titties and ass!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yo, it's Candace. Should I take it?

No, man! Here, give me the
phone. Bros before hos.

Hello. Candace. Oh.

Hey, what's up, girl? Michael.

I was just thinking 'bout you.

No, hi, I thought I'd get your voicemail.

No, you got me, baby.

Listen, Michael.

We need to talk.

Ladies, few words are more menacing

than the dreaded four, "We need to talk".

Now, that means one of two things,

that we did something wrong

or, you, literally, want to talk.

She wants to talk. BENNETT:
That's a new one.

That's bad, dude.

Good! I hope she talk your damn head off.

Is it ever a good sign when
a woman wants to talk?

No. Not in my house anymore.

Kris used to be fun and chill,

and now she's just in
my face all the time,

nagging, harping, like, "What
are your short-term goals?

"What are your long-term goals?

"Jeremy, what's your view
on relationships?"

Like, I'm in the middle of
a game of Call ofDuty...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, run that back.
What did you just say?

What, the long-term goals, short...
Please, don't make

me repeat... Yes, that's
crazy. You know what?

Candace asked me those exact same
questions on our first date.

Mya asked me the same thing.

So did Lauren.

You know what? You know who
asked me that question?

Not a goddamn soul!

'Cause strippers don't ask me shit!

Listen to what she said
to me the other day.

She said, "I'm not your sports fish."

What is a sports fish?

A trophy girl. You show her
off to your buddies.

What the hell are you talking
about, Bennett?

I was watching Oprah.

Why are you watching Oprah? I like Oprah.

Man, you gotta say "no homo" when you say
shit like that at a divorce party.

BENNETT: She had Steve Harvey on the show.

He wrote some book.

It's for women, but it's about men.

Family Feud Steve Harvey?

I heard something about that.

He threw us under the bus like that?

That's uncouth. I wouldn't do that.

I thought Steve Harvey was
kind of my nigga, but...

Me, too. What?

You, too, what? I didn't say anything.

Just tell me exactly what
he says in the book.

A whole bunch of shit.

All right, this is why we're
ruining my party.

'Cause of that information.

I got it online, here we
go. I got a review...

I got to get my hands on that book.

No, you're not gonna do it now.

You said bros before hos. One second.

Exactly! Guess what? Your bro need a ho!

Let me tell you something, I
got a pocket full of ones

and I ain't got no goddamn drawers on.

I didn't wear no drawers tonight.

Now y'all supposed to be my wing men.

Right now, fly with me!

Celebrate, men! Get your... Fly
with me, men! Goddamn it!

This ain't good.

Yes, hello, we're looking
for a book called...

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

Everywhere? Thanks.

Said they've been sold
out for, like, a week.

Good. Can't be sold out everywhere.

They don't even have it on eBay.

It's the power of Oprah.

I think I got something. Okay,
cool. Where's San Pablo?

Border of Oregon.

That's not gonna work.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Looks like we tried. Hello. Right now?

Tomorrow is another day.
We can tackle it then.

Let's go, men. Strip club time!

Y'all take me to my mama house?

Driver, can we go to my house?

I thought you said you was gonna
cancel that with your mama.

Have you ever tried canceling
on my mom, Ced?

I'm gonna say this since don't nobody
else wanna say it, Michael.

You ever try heterosexuality?

(BOTH ARGUING)

(BOTTLE SHATTERS)

♪ That booty, that booty
That booty, that booty ♪

Mom!

(WHOOPS)

Got your favorite.

Smelling good, too. Look at that, huh?

Let me get some chicken. Let me
get some chicken! (LAUGHING)

Stop. And the onions,

you know I love the sautéed
onions, and the cornbread.

I know. I'm gonna get you a plate,

but clear all this off, first.

All right, all right.

And make sure that sweet potato pie...

LORETTA: I will, little boy,
you just clear the counter.

Mom, what is this?

That's that book by that big-head boy

that's on that Family Feud thing.

Act Like something, Think
Like something else.

It's the new read for my book club.

CEDRIC: Every war has its turning point.

In the Civil War, it was the
Battle of Gettysburg.

World War Il,

it was the Invasion of Normandy.

The definitive turning point in this war

was that night at Loretta's house.

It was like finding the Holy Grail.

Jeremy. Tell them to turn the bus around.

CEDRIC: The power had just
shifted in our favor.

But we didn't know that yet.

"Why Men Do What They Do."
Look at this, guys.

Steve Harvey is a traitor.

Hey, look, "Mama's Boys."
Chapter 7. That's you.

I'm not a Mama's Boy.

Jer, you don't think I'm
a Mama's Boy, do you?

Nah. ZEKE: Listen to this.

"Men respect standards, get some."

I prefer my women not to have standards.

In fact, if I've got to choose,

I'm gonna choose the woman
who has no standards.

Hold up. "Until a man achieves his
goals, or is on the road to,

"you will never be number
one in his life."

See, that's not even true.

I've achieved absolutely nothing

and I still put my women first.

This is sick. It's brainwashing,
I'm telling you.

She's trying to push me towards my dreams

and help me accomplish my goals.

Why would she do this?

Shit, at least you're getting some.

Ninety days, that's not a probation,

that's a death sentence.

CEDRIC: Hell, yeah, I want
to taste your yams.

Hey, Mike, how old is your mom?

What?

No, not like that.

No, it is. It is like
that. How old is she?

I come in the house, she's like, "You
want to eat?" I said, "Eat what?"

Yo, first of all, put my plate down

and stop hitting on my mom, man.

Don't get mad at me! I don't
even wanna be here.

Y'all the ones that wanna be here,
I want to go to the strip club!

Man, wrap this up.

I got a bunch of ones, and
somebody gonna get them.

Ms. Loretta! I'm ready for
the rest of the tour.

You guys are so screwed.

And honestly, there's nothing
you can do about it.

Maybe we can.

They got our playbook, man.

They know all of our maneuvers.

Yeah, but they don't know

that we know that they know our maneuvers.

You see why I don't hang out
with Jeremy by himself?

I don't ever know what he's talking about.

Guys! It's like the Patriots,

when Bill Belichick stole the Jets' plays.

Right, and they got busted. Yeah,
but they won the game.

And where'd they end up? The Super Bowl.

I wish I knew what you was talking about.

We use Steve Harvey's words against them.

We pretend to give them what they want

so we get what we want.

We lie to them.

Exactly.

This is war, gentlemen.
There are no rules.

CEDRIC: Like the great Khan
once said, not Genghis,

I'm talking about the Latin
guy from Star Trek Il.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

CANDACE: Michael, I need to
get something off my chest.

You know what? Before you get
something off your chest,

I gotta get something off my chest.

You know I can be a bit of a Mama's Boy?

I think it really all started
when my dad died.

It was a rough time for us, you know?

And my mom just started relying
on me for so many things.

Too many things.

You know, I had to be the man of the house

at a really young age

and I guess maybe that's
why we're so close.

Michael.

And I guess, I guess what I'm
trying to say is this.

I want you to be the number
one woman in my life.

CEDRIC: It was like taking a test

you already had the answers to.

You're my priority, Candace. All right?

Yeah.

All right. Now, you said you wanted
to talk about something.

Did I?

CEDRIC: The women had no chance.

They were like putty in our hands.

So, I just updated my résumé,
and sent it off to Neversoft.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

You're serious?

I was intrigued by a job posting

I saw in Adweek and I thought,

"Why not go for it, Jeremy?

"You have nothing else to lose."

Baby, that's awesome, that's wonderful.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, my God. Don't get too excited, okay?

It's just a feeler.

Probably won't even call me in.

No, you're selling yourself short.

Jeremy, you were the best
in your class at Parsons,

you're a brilliant designer.

No. You're a brilliant artist.
They'd be lucky to have you.

I'm lucky to have you.

You are? Mmm-hmm.

You know what I was just thinking?

What?

Nobody's had sex on this couch yet.

What?

No, it's a virgin couch. Really?

Mmm-hmm.

What do you think we should do about that?

There's about 10 things I think
we can do about that.

Only 10?

You'll be crying out like
a bitch after three.

Now I'm scared.

I love this couch.

CEDRIC: After careful study,

Dominic realized there was only one man

who could impress the Alpha Female.

"The Guy With Potential." Zeke.

What? I have to show her
I'm a man with a plan.

Well, just make some shit up, dude. No.

Remember that restaurant idea I had? Yeah.

I need you to help me
with a business plan.

Cook for her. Dummy.

I already did. Breakfast.

I ain't talking about no breakfast, boy!

Something fancy, Dom.

Like, like one of them dishes
with an apostrophe in it.

Is that your robe?

ZEKE: Yeah.

Man, you here again?

Yes! Ass Factory don't open up 'til
10:00, so I got time to waste.

Bitch, move in already. What'd you say?

Huh?

I'm sorry if I want to
be around my friends

when I'm going through a divorce.

What was I thinking?

You're something else, boy.

Look, Gail used to love it when I would
cook for her. It turned her on.

You can do all types of
things in the kitchen.

We had a little food thing
that we would do.

I would go and get some chocolate-covered
strawberries, right?

Then I would come downstairs,
I have a G-string on.

You know what I'm talking about.
She used to love it.

So, the game was "Balance the Berry."

I would put it on the...

But the way it's...

The berry ain't gonna stay there for long.

The berry wouldn't stay on, so...

The point that I'm making is this, Dom.

Food is your art. Stick
with what you know.

Mmm.

It's good milk, Zeke.

He's right.

It's on.

LAUREN: It's over. CANDACE:
Wait, what happened?

Dominic's car broke down.

I have to go pick him up?

So? Calm down.

Do you know how many times I had to pick
you up when your Jag broke down?

Oh, save it, Candace.

The man is a loser.

And I'm the fool who slept with him.

On the first night.

Which is a memory

he will have to cherish for
the rest of his life

because it is never happening
again. Never.

Hey, beautiful.

Dominic.

(TONIGHT (BEST YOU EVER
HAD) PLAYING SOFTLY)

DOMINIC: You look beautiful.

Yeah, you've mentioned that.

Would you like a glass of wine?

Actually, I came over here...

It's a Chateau Montelena, 2006.

That won first place in the Judgment
of Paris back in '76.

Actually, it was a '73
Chardonnay that won,

but I've heard this one is better.

It was a gift.

But I wanted to save it
for a special occasion.

Well, thank you.

So, um,

to tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is good.

Yeah, there's more.

♪ Best you ever had

♪ I don't wanna brag but I'll be

Wow.

♪ The best you ever had

You did all this for me?

♪ The best you ever had

♪ I hit you with the best throw

♪ Freestyle and the breaststroke

♪ Till you blowing cigarette smoke

(CLEARS THROAT) Good evening, madam.

Wild...

Goddamn. Man...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Wild Mushroom en "Croût"?

BOTH: Croûte.

Croûte?

Thank you.

Enjoy your dinner. Thanks.

♪ Baby, tonight's the
night we lose control

I really wanted to change your association
of me with hors d'oeuvres.

So, what do you think?

Amazing.

So are you.

Thank you.

And look at the stars.

Make a wish.

Okay.

Aren't you gonna make one?

No need.

♪ Baby, tonight you need that

♪ Tonight believe that

♪ Tonight I'll be the best you ever had ♪

CEDRIC: And on that same night,

Zeke was on an entirely different
kind of mission.

Dude, don't tell me what I
said. I know what I said.

But I'm telling you, I'm
done with her. What?

I'm not competing with this 90-Day Rule.

You have the ammo.

KRISTEN: Babe, I'm going upstairs.

All right, listen.

Use "how men show their love" against
her to get the cookie.

You profess. Call her your girlfriend.

Bro, stop it. Do you have any
idea what I've been through?

I'm sick of picking up checks
and opening doors,

and talking about our feelings
and our childhoods.

It's like the 1950s, man!
I just want to hit.

And if she thinks I'm gonna wait 71
more days just to get the cookie,

oh, she gonna be waiting by
herself. You kept count?

I'm not counting, but you're gonna
know the amount of day...

You really like her.

No, bro, trust me on this.
I am done, okay?

I'm ending it tonight.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, have fun on your date.

I bet you I dump her 90-day ass.

Hey. Hey.

Listen. Um...

Mya, about tonight...

Okay, I have a surprise.

You do?

Yeah, I got us tickets to see
John Legend at Nokia Theatre.

Okay, that's cool.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. So, let's go.

So, I hope you don't get mad at me,

but my uncle is a music producer
and I passed him your CD.

You took my CD?

Yes. And the three pieces of
gum that were stuck to it.

Okay, you know what? I was
looking for that gum.

You know I'm done with the music industry,
right? I love what I do.

Okay, Zeke, he's not trying
to sign you, though.

He wants some new songs for some
albums that he's working on.

Yeah, well, my album went Plat-none, okay?

I mean, two people heard it and
both of them were relatives.

Okay, but I was raving about it,

and he decided to check it out.

You should've been my manager.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! Zeke!

Super Freak Zeke! What up, baby?

Man, hey, what's up...
Xavier! What up, baby.

Oh, my goodness. Baby, this is Zeke.

This is the guy that taught me the move.

The Chimichanga! He was
the one who taught me.

Hey, this is my lady, Crystal.

Hey, what's going on, Crystal?
How you doing?

Oh, my bad. Xavier, this is...

Now ladies, if a man simply introduces
you as his friend,

then please understand, you are
nothing more than his friend.

See, if a man has a plan for you in his
future, then he's gonna profess it.

He's gonna attach a title to it.

You're gonna be his woman, his
lady, his fiancée, or...

My girlfriend, Mya.

CEDRIC: Zeke realized the man could
get a hell of a lot further,

with one well-placed profession than
with six carefully planned dates.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

I think we should stop.

I have to get up early.

So, I better go.

Okay.

Good night!

Well, I could walk you
to... (CAR DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, no, I got this. I'm good, good night!

CEDRIC: The guys may have lost some battles,
but they were winning the war.

I'm telling you, Gina. It worked.

He's finally stepping up and
looking for a better job.

Family Feud knows what he's talking about?

Changing the game.

SONIA: How does this affect
the 90-Day Rule?

The 90-Day Rule is what
got me to this point.

It's just, I was saying that I'm
not opposed to amending it,

you know, for good behavior.

Like changing his Facebook status?

Yeah, see, that's good behavior,

but the cookies don't come
out of the cookie jar

for anything less than
the three magic words.

I hope you guys are ready
for some fun in the sun.

Oh, yeah, some fun in the sun.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, wait. Baby, should you
get that? It's work.

Yeah, it's okay.

No! Why would I answer work calls
when I'm with y'all two?

Don't worry about work. Yeah, no work.

You okay back there, Duke? Yeah.

All right, now you got your license, too?

'Cause you're driving back, right?

(CHUCKLING)

(CAR LOCK BEEPS)

I'm just joking.

Such a romantic.

CEDRIC: Things were almost going too well.

The guys had forgotten that
they were even at war.

All right, thanks a lot, everybody.
Once again, I'm Danny Vola.

Go up there and sing. Come
on, you should go...

No. I ain't sang in years, you sit down.

Wait, slow down! Okay, Duke!

All right, you got this. Be careful!

I'm about to get you a motorcycle
now, the way you're going, baby.

♪ I just don't wanna stop Oh, my love

Oh, you want some?

♪ A million days in your
arms is never too much

♪ I just don't wanna stop

♪ Too much, never too
much Never too much ♪

Sorry that took so long, babe. One of the
guys needed a little of my advice.

Where were we?

Right here. Mmm-hmm.

CEDRIC: But then things
started to backfire.

What ever happened with
that job at Neversoft?

Mmm.

I forgot to tell you, I heard through the
grapevine they filled the position.

Mmm? Mmm.

Really?

Yeah.

That's weird,

'cause I heard from Sarah's
little brother...

Yeah? ...on Linkedln.

And he said that the position
was still open.

Really? Yeah.

And that he was gonna personally
recommend you to his boss.

Except your résumé's not on file.

What?

I've been waiting this whole time.

You know what? I had to reset
the modem the other day.

I bet you the email didn't go through.

Yeah, I'll fix it in the morning.

The Internet?

Yeah, it happens all the time.

Kris?

CEDRIC: The truth was catching up to them.

I'll miss you.

That's me, all right. I'll see you.

Okay.

♪ Ah

♪ Ooh, baby

♪ Keep on

♪ My baby

♪ Keep on doing it

♪ Right on

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Right on doing it

♪ We get it together

♪ Baby keep on

♪ Oh, we get it together baby

♪ Right on

♪ Keep on doing it

♪ And I'll give you baby ♪

James?

James Merrill? Lauren Harris.

Wow, look at you.

Look at you. (MOUTHING) Oh, my God.

You are like a fine wine. You just
get better with age, don't you?

And you get smoother. What
are you doing in LA?

I'm checking out a sublet. Yeah, I
was just promoted CEO of Sensala.

Wow. Yeah, yeah.

I'm relocating to LA.

You're kidding? No.

Well, I can't imagine Nina ever
wanting to leave Chicago.

Yeah, well, that's because she's not.

We're finalizing our divorce.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, it's all right.

We're friendly. That's good.

But what about you? I mean,
are you engaged? Married?

No. Not married or engaged.

Really?

Just dating, but nothing serious.

Well then, why don't we go to dinner?

Sure.

Let's do it. I mean, let's do dinner.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you have to call me.

Got the same number? Same number.

All right. Use it.

Tomorrow night. Absolutely.

Like the car. Me, too.

Love the body.

Ha! On the car.

I hate to trouble you... Go away!

I saw this episode last night at
Mom's. This joint is hilarious.

Wait, I thought you got called
back into work last night.

Oh, yeah, last night I got
called back into work,

but remember, I told you I
had to stop by my mom's

to drop off the stuff that
she had put at my...

No. Yeah, I told you that, babe.

No, I don't think you...

Give me a kiss, baby. You
don't be listening.

CEDRIC: And the lies were
starting to add up.

Listen, my mom's planning a
really big family reunion.

I'd love it if you could come.

Whatever you want, baby.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, the only bad thing is if your
mom and grandma are as fine as you,

you might have some competition
over there.

(LAUGHING) Come here.

DUKE: Cool!

It's at the park, in Culver City.

There's gonna be a trampoline
and barbecue.

These walls have ears. Duke,
please go back to bed.

So, it's gonna be the 20th and
it's gonna be so great.

We're gonna have these cotton
candy machines...

The 20th of this month?

Mmm-hmm. Carousels...

Baby, I can't make the 20th.

Why?

Well, actually, I promised my mom.

It's her church anniversary,
so I promised...

DUKE: Really? You gotta be kidding me!

Good night, Duke!

Baby, I'm gonna see what
I can do, all right?

Okay. I'm gonna make it happen.

Come here, girl, come here.

CEDRIC: Turns out, the only problem
in pretending to step up is,

well, sometimes, you actually have to.

Yo, watch this right here.

Hold it, this is about to jump...

(PEOPLE SCREAMING EXCITEDLY))

Okay, what?

Okay, okay, okay. I wanted to wait
until we had proper drinks,

but I talked to my uncle last night,

and he listened to your
CD, and he loved it.

And he's obsessed with number seven,

and they want to meet with you on Tuesday!

Congratulations!

Oh, my God. You did this for me?

No, you did it. You left
it all on the track.

I love you, girl.

CEDRIC: Without even meaning to,

Zeke done messed around and uttered
the three magic words

that finally opened the cookie jar.

But Zeke's victory was short-lived.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh-oh. This cannot be good.

No, no, no.

(DOOR OPENING)

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

Am I tripping, or was last night
the best night of my life?

You got the cookie.

The cookie? I'm the cookie monster.

You know what I got us?
I got some latte...

Mya, I can explain that.

You lying-ass sack of shit!

I was just using this to defend myself.

Defending yourself against what?

Against your 90-Day Rule.

That was created for women to protect
themselves from sorry-asses like you.

Oh, so I'm the villain, and you
didn't even have the guts

to tell me that I was on
a 90-day probation.

I was gonna tell you. Oh,
were you gonna tell me?

Yes, I was gonna tell you. But then,
I thought I might amend it.

'Cause I thought you might
actually be the one.

So, was any of it real?

Any of it? The wining, the dining?
Calling me your girlfriend?

Or was that all just to get the cookie?

Wow.

You win, congratulations.

You got it, right? You won.

Mya, wait a minute. Mya, it was true.

Zeke, don't touch me!

God, you're so good.

You're so good.

Because even when I know
that you're lying,

I still almost believe you.

CEDRIC: In The Art of War, Sun Tzu wrote,
"All warfare is based on deception."

He left out, "Only dumbasses get caught."

(RINGING)

CANDACE: Baby, your phone!

CEDRIC: Meanwhile, Candace didn't even need
to find the book to get the message.

Michael Atwater's phone?

Tandace?

Loretta?

Listen, I'm calling to tell Michael that
I don't need him to take me to church.

Deacon Johnson will be
driving me to church.

Let me talk to him. Is he free?

He will be.

MICHAEL: Here we go! Oh, slam dunk!

Michael.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. What?

Ha! You'll see.

Duke, get in the house.

Baby, did you see that boy's skills?

If I keep on...

What's wrong, baby? What's up?

Your, uh, work just called.

And I thought it might be an
emergency, so I picked up.

But it was just your mom.

Really? You know, the T-Mobile
Top Five be acting up...

Don't bullshit me, Michael.

Baby, listen, I know how that looks,
but trust me, this isn't...

Trust? I believed you.

I can't compete with your
mother. And I won't.

You don't have to...

Then why did you look me
in my face and lie?

You need to go.

Baby, listen I...

Get out of my face, Michael.

CEDRIC: And Candace wasn't the only
one who was all business that day.

Hey, beautiful.

Hi. How are you?

Um, I have a 2 o'clock, so...

You look stunning.

Thank you.

So, you said you had some news?

Yeah. My investor friend that
I told you about? Mmm-hmm.

Read your prospectus, loves it, and
wants you to give him a call.

You serious?

I told you it was brilliant.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, we gotta go celebrate.
Let's go out tonight.

I'm not free tonight.

Okay, well, what about
tomorrow night, then?

Dominic, I'm gonna hit you
with the headline, okay?

I recently reconnected with an ex-boyfriend
of mine from college.

Anyway, he just got a divorce

and is moving back to LA and I...

Whoa, whoa.

You breaking up with me?

No! No, I'm not breaking
up, just taking a break.

I need some space. Space.

Yeah, because we were moving too fast...

Yeah, you sound like a guy.

What did you say?

I said you sound like a guy.

Is that why you invited me to this
place? For a business lunch?

So you can have an out-time?

Dominic, look, I really like you.

Okay? I didn't want to string you
along. Let's just be friends.

Yeah, I don't really need
any more friends, Lauren.

You know, and I really don't need
your friends to let me down easy.

Okay, don't be stupid, Dominic.

That's business, not personal.

Do you even know the difference?

You know, Lauren, I...

I never even had a prospectus, you
know? I did it all to impress you.

You inspired me, you motivated me to do
something for myself for the first time.

And all this time, I thought
you were too good for me.

(LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)

Kris? Picked up some pizza.

(SIGHS)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

What I don't get is just like the book,
I was the guy with potential.

I told her the truth, I put myself out
there, and it still wasn't enough.

At least you didn't get caught
in a flat-out lie.

Y'all should see how bad things
are with Candace right now.

Kristen wouldn't even look at me
when I showed up at Gina's.

She'll change her mind.

Nah. You did not see the way
she looked at me. Such...

Hate? Hurt.

It's hate. Women will hate you fast.

Either way, fellas. I think we
brought this upon ourselves.

It was self-defense. They attacked
first! We had to strike back.

We were just protecting our natural-born
right to be men. Am I right?

Right. Right.

Love us or leave us, right?

ALL: Right!

And they left us. Ha!

ALL: Right.

♪ I know you're somewhere out there

♪ Somewhere far away

♪ I want you back

♪ I'm feeling like I'm famous

♪ The talk of the town

♪ They say I've gone mad

♪ Yeah, I've gone mad

♪ But they don't know what I know

♪ 'Cause when the sun goes down

♪ Someone's talking back

♪ Yeah, they're talking back

♪ Oh

♪ At night when the stars light up my room

(KNOCKING) We're back.

Take all the time you need.

Thanks.

♪ I sit by myself

♪ Talking to the moon

BARTENDER: Zeke, check it out.

Your right. My left.

Not my type.

That's how we do it, Zeke. I line
them up, you mow them down.

Can I have my tab?

CEDRIC: You can only get it once a year.

What kind of meat is in the McRib?

Fellas. Let me guess,

school pictures?

(LAUGHS) You look like
a substitute teacher.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I finally sent my résumé over to Neversoft.
I had my meeting today.

And they just called. I got the job.

Is that right?

Congratulations, man!

I'm a senior designer at Neversoft.
With full benefits.

Damn right, and the next step
is the expense card.

I gotta call Kris.

She not talking to you, huh?

No. Well, you should call her anyway.

She's the reason it happened, right?

Yeah.

That's good advice, right there.

How's that project going along?

It's going great. In fact,

I'm gonna have to get out of here
soon and go get some work done.

You know what we should do?
We should celebrate, right?

DOMINIC: Nice. Yes. New job,
first round's on Michael.

Yes. I like that.

No, no. I just had the last round...

This is nice, just the fellas.

Just like old times.

No, it's not like old times because
I don't have a curfew this time.

Speaking of curfew, I gotta
go. My night to cook.

CEDRIC: Bennett, you sound like a bitch.

We just got finished hearing good news,
we with the fellas, we drinking.

He running home all henpecked.
Come on, man!

I'm not cooking 'cause I have to,

I'm cooking 'cause I want
to, that's my wife.

Come on, now, Bennett.

I'm not saying it like that, I'm
saying just, right now...

Don't be mad at me 'cause I
got a wife at the house.

That means sometimes I can't hang
out all night with you guys,

I gotta go home early then
that's what I gotta do.

I'm just saying.

I got this round.

I'm happy for you, congratulations.

Thank you.

I'll see you guys. ZEKE: Big B!

You're $20 short, Bennett.

Yeah, no, I used to cook for Gail
on Thursdays. That was my day.

I'm happy we're free. I really am.

I'm telling you right now, we're
better off without them.

Yeah, I mean, who needs to
put up with their shit?

And their demands, the nagging...

The expectations. Expectation is
the catalyst for all of that.

Here we go. CEDRIC: You know what's funny?

Gail used to love it when I cooked
Bolognese sauce from scratch.

Like, that was her favorite, so...

All right, boys, we are free
to do whatever we want,

with whoever we want, whenever we
want, all right? To freedom!

ALL: Freedom!

♪ Bright lights, big city going to my head

♪ Bright lights, big city... ♪

Ced, lift your glass, man, get involved.

Right, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

MICHAEL: Take that shot, baby.

To freedom. Huh?

Huh? Bottoms up.

Don't need them.

I gotta piss.

I'll be right back.

Look like you gotta take a
dump, the way you moving.

(PHONE RINGING)

What?

Gail, ain't nobody calling to
fight with you right now.

What the hell do... Look! I'm coming home.

Really, Cedric?

Gail, let me tell you something.
That's my house, too, Gail!

I pay the bills in that house!

It's my house, too. I'm coming home.

Which is where I belong, girl.

Gail, I'm tired of this tough
shit. I miss you, Gail.

Gail, I ain't been the same, man.

I'm out here, I'm out here
on these streets and shit.

I'm out here in the strip clubs.

These girls calling me by my first
name, like, I'm there every day!

Which I am, but that's because I'm
going through something, Gail.

I need to be held. I need you to rub
my back. Put me in my onesie.

I changed, I need my woman back!

I'm around all these men and shit!

I don't want it.

I don't want that life no more,
I want you and Jesus.

And that's it.

Okay, Big Daddy.

What you say?

How soon can you get here?

Um...

Like... Like 20, 22, 23 minutes.

Bring your sexy ass home. I'll be waiting.

You want me to bring you something?

You want like, some Doritos, or something?

'Cause I can stop and get it, baby.
Whatever makes you happy.

Just come home. Okay.

All right, I love you.

(KISSES) Oh!

Oh, shit.

Thank you.

Whoo!

Yup.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh.

Good shit, brother. Go home to Gail.

Just wipe shit on my back?

You didn't even wash your hands, man?

Who the hell shits with a hat on, anyway?

She said she was coming
from, um, Shanghai.

DOMINIC: I remember her.

Fellas, I will see you later.

Let's all cash out, we'll go together.

You going to the Ass Factory, right?

Gail is taking me back, I'm going home.

Home!

Girl, I am married. Please!

Thank you. Married man!

CEDRIC: That night, we all
realized that the plots,

plans and schemes couldn't compare
to one simple thing, the truth.

MICHAEL: Mama!

Oh, what the hell?

Hey, baby.

Oh, flowers, breakfast. Yeah.

You're a little early, sweetie.

I know, but I wanted to come
by so I could tell you that

I'm not gonna be able to make it
to the anniversary today, Mom.

There's some place I gotta be.

Well, it's our 75th at the church.

What's wrong, sweetie? Where you gotta be?

With Candace. At her family reunion, Mom.

(SIGHS)

Well, good for you.

(LAUGHS) Okay, sweetie.

Really? All right.

Now, I'm gonna see you tomorrow,
okay? Time for you to go.

Loretta, it's my turn to spank you.

Deacon Johnson?

You got the keys for these?

Put those down, fool!

How long has this been going on?

Ninety days.

More like 91. I'm sorry I
stretched your T-shirt.

How you doing, Michael?

All right, fool, go on upstairs now.

You know, these pills cost $19.

Mom, you got him with my loofah?

Baby, go on. Go ahead, go ahead.

Listen here, fool!

I done told you I'd bring that coffee
upstairs, you old, nasty fool.

Hey.

Look who I found.

Wow. Okay, third time I hope is a charm.

Actually, I think it is.

Go ahead, tell them. We
want to make an offer.

I told you this was gonna happen.

No, you didn't, actually.

This is great news. We sort of had
an instinct about you guys.

Kris?

Jeremy, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, I can't. I'm in the
middle of something.

This is important.

Not a problem. Take your time.

I'm gonna get the paperwork,
and we can get started.

I'm really sorry.

Did someone die?

What? No.

Well, you have a suit on, so I...

I got the job at Neversoft, Kris.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, that's cool. I hope you
didn't do it for my benefit.

I did. At first.

But somehow, through all the pretending,

I figured out I wanted it for me.

And now that I have it, I want it for us.

You were the first person I wanted
to call when I got the news,

and the fact that I couldn't
drove me crazy.

You're the last person I think about
before I go to sleep at night, Kris.

Look, I, um,

I miss you.

Oh, honey.

I miss you and I want you back.

So sweet.

I want to buy you a house.

That's my man, step up there.

I want to buy you this house.

Back up, bitch. You ain't buying my house.

Oh, it's fine.

How the hell he talking
about buying my house?

Breathe.

I'm breathing, I'm breathing.
I got it, I got it.

Okay.

I want to be your wife. And I
want you to be my husband...

I want to be your husband.

And I want you to be my wife

so bad.

So, um...

Will you marry me?

It's a yes.

Oh, she did it.

Go ahead, my man.

She did it 'cause she changed
the game. She did what?

Oh, don't worry about it.

CEDRIC: Even Zeke was singing a new tune.

That last one was Bitch Betta
Have My Money by AMG.

I don't really feel like being
out of the house right now.

Come on.

You know the best way to get over
an old guy is to get a new one.

You're coming.

...make sure you show him some love.

Zeke, come on up. (PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Hey, thank you.

Oh, my God.

I haven't really played
this song in years...

Is that...

...but it was inspired by a
very special woman who, um,

is definitely worth waiting for.

♪ Last night I had a dream about a dream

♪ About you ♪

I gotta get out of here. Mya!

Mya!

Mya, will you hold up? Mya?

You think you can just sing one song

and everything's gonna be forgotten?

No! I was just hoping it would be a start.

You know what? You know, you can't
change a person's nature, Zeke.

That is not true. I know for
a fact that that's not true.

How? Because I want to start over.

I want 90 more days.

Without sex?

If that's what it takes.

I don't want the sex, Mya. I want you.

That's bullshit.

Okay, that's bullshit. Yes!
Of course I want the sex.

But the difference is the sex is all
I wanted before I met you. Now,

I want you.

Okay?

Now? I want coffee.

I want to stay up all night talking about
your crazy childhood. I want...

I don't know. I want to talk
about Aristotle's Caves.

(CHUCKLES)

It's Plato's.

Plato got caves, too?

Yeah.

Mya, I love you.

I'm in love with you.

I've never said that to anyone in my life.

(SIGHS)

Then why didn't you just say so?

CEDRIC: Turns out that my epiphany
had a domino effect.

Everyone was actually stepping up with
their women. For real this time.

CANDACE: I didn't get any of this.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Candace? Your mother tells me
that you're still single.

Don't worry about it, because
I think I have a solution.

I have somebody I think would be
perfect for you at my office.

Her name is Amy.

CANDACE'S MOM: Her? She's
not in that chapter.

Well, she might want to
read the book, honey.

Mom! Mom!

MICHAEL: Thanks, Duke. I got this.

Hi, ladies. Look at that face!

(MEOWS)

Nice to see you all.

What are you doing here? Isn't
today your mom's church thing?

Yeah, it is.

So, what? Did it get canceled?

It did not. What's up with all
these damn questions, woman?

I just thought you needed to be there.

Why would I be there when
I should be here,

with the number one woman in my life?

So, since you're thinking so much,

why don't you think about putting
a burger on that plate

with some pickles and some mustard?

I'm sorry,

did you just say "number one"?

Oh, so you're not believing?
Hold on one second.

Ladies and gentlemen? Excuse me?

Hi, I need everybody's attention,
please? Hey, everybody... Yeah.

Thank you.

My name is Michael Hanover,
and I want you all to know

I am madly, and I am insanely
in love with Candace Hall.

And I just want everybody
in the world to know

that she's the number
one woman in my life.

Thanks, everybody. (ALL CHEERING)

Aw, Candace! MICHAEL: Now
back to the reunion!

Whoo!

Is that okay with you?

What do you want on your damn burger?

I don't give a damn, girl.
I came for you. Come here.

CEDRIC: And so, the book ended
happily for all of us.

Well, almost all of us.

Hey, girl. Haven't seen you in a while.

I know. I'm sorry, I've been swamped.

So what are you up to later today?

Actually, I have a date with
James, finally. Ah.

Between his CEO and my COO,

it seems we never see each other.

What else is new?

Anyway. You got any plans for later?

Actually, the three of us are going
to Dominic's grand opening.

Oh. He found a backer for his restaurant?

No. He got a personal loan for
a food truck. It's called...

Avenue D.

It's in Pueblo Plaza. He wants to
start small, build his way up.

Good for him, you know?

Anyway, have fun tonight.

Oh, we will.

Thank you.

So, James, how was your day?

It was good. Actually, it
was... It was great.

Did I mention to you that The Wall Street
Journal is doing a feature on me?

Yes, the...

"Wonderkid." Yeah, I know. (LAUGHS)

"The Wonderkid."

I know I'm not exactly a kid,

but I am the youngest CEO
of a Fortune 500 company.

Yes, we talked...

Now I'm focusing my sights
on the Far East.

I was talking to Warren the other
day. You know Warren Buffett?

Dub-Beezy, that's my man.

(VOICE ECHOING) He was telling
me about diversification.

So, I bought a G6. Okay, all right.
The company bought a G6.

(VOICE FADING) New York to Los
Angeles costs about $60,000.

They put that down every time I go.

Also talked to my man,
Kobe, the other day.

He was trying to get me to
buy an NBA franchise.

I'm fine, James.

Thanks for asking.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

I know.

I know, but I finally do.

(PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

♪ Ritual union's

♪ Got me in trouble again ♪

All right, all right, all right.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

All right, a little something.

Just a little sample for the ladies.

Fellas, I'll get you back later.

Come on, Dom!

Give that to the wife. To your lady,
okay, good, there you go.

All right, one more? There
you go, there you go, J.

I'll be right back. Thanks for coming.

I'll be right back. This is amazing.

DOMINIC: Next!

I'll take the Chef's Special.

Is that with chicken or...

Hey, back of the line.

Look, this is personal, not business.

Move your arm!

Congratulations.

Looks like a huge success.

I wasn't expecting you.

I couldn't miss your grand opening.

COOK: Live bass ceviche?

Sal, those two lasagnas are to-go.

SAL: You got it.

So, where's your CEO?

I ended that.

Dominic!

He may have all the money in the
world, and all the power,

but he doesn't have half
your potential. Stop!

Stop.

I don't need you to do that for
me anymore. I'm doing me, now.

All right?

Thanks for coming, but I
got a business to run.

I'm sure you can respect that, right?

But I was... Next!

What's good here, man? Do you
have a low-fat Pork Special?

Sure. Let's roll with it.

Dominic?

Excuse me. What are you doing?

I want you back, Dominic.

Guys, just give me a minute, please.

We gotta finish this up. I know.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing? I want you back.

Yeah, listen, I'm not an acquisition.
You can't just decide...

I'm asking. Oh, yeah? And I'm
asking for some service.

You'll get your pork sausage,
Porky! Beat it!

Lauren, listen, we're just
too different, okay?

Yes, we are different. But I
think that's a good thing.

What you need is status. You need titles.

I don't care about... No, I don't.

What I need is a man who makes
me feel like I'm special.

I don't care about his title,

and I don't care how much money you make,

I don't care what kind of car
you drive. I just need you.

Please? I'm sorry.

I think ultimately we want
different things.

No.

I disagree.

I think we want the exact same thing.

What's that?

Well, first,

I would like to have my Chef's
Special, hold the pork.

♪ Baby, tonight's the night I let you know

♪ Baby, tonight's the night
we lose control ♪

(CHEERING)

Go, Dom! All right, come on,
man, that's enough kissing.

Grab her ass or something.

That's my girl!

Show me something, God! Give me something
to think about tonight.

You know I haven't had much sex.

Me and Gail ain't really doing
it like we used to.

Really, Cedric?

Come on, now.

Get your little ass over here, now!

Hey, Gail, I was talking...

ZEKE: Pull your pants up, Cedric!

(CEDRIC SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

I'll get the guy in the purple.

Hi, I'm Bennett. Use our ball?

I'll see you on the court! Save it...

Save it for the game, though!

LISA: Listen, little man.
Where's your twin?

You're gonna need somebody
on your shoulders.

Oh, that's funny. That's real funny.

Let's see if it's funny when
my balls are on your back!

MAN: Ball's in play. Let's go. Oh, shit.

(CRASHING)

♪ You said, "Every king
needs his queen, babe"

♪ That's why you needed me baby

MAN: Pass the ball, man!

♪ There was us there was trust

♪ There was happen and change I know

♪ Silly you, silly me silly
us, what a waste

You gonna play some defense?

(GRUNTS) Wait, wait, wait!

Pass!

Huh? Huh?

MAN: Just shoot the ball.

You better get that out of here,
little man. You all right?

Hey, no making fun.

Good shot.

Good shot? It was!

Bennett, be a man and push him!

It was a good shot.

♪ Now I'm gonna keep it realer
with you now than I ever been

♪ We should have never been
girl we was better friends

♪ You didn't have to tell me
what, where, why and when

♪ Ooh, why I didn't need it Cause
you wasn't my girlfriend

Pick on someone your own size, man.

♪ We had a good thing

Oh, my knee!

♪ Ooh give me that good thing

♪ Then after we was finished

♪ You go your way I go
my way it was whatever

♪ Tell me what in the hell makes...

Hey, hey, hey!

Man, you better calm down.

He put his balls on my head.

♪ But in love, love, love ♪

Where's my help on defense?

Get out of here!

Bennett! Jeremy!

I'm trying to get my ball back!

Can I have the ball, please?

Just let them keep it. Let them keep it.

Thanks, you guys! Go get that.

Hey, we play here every Thursday.

That wasn't that bad.

Think about it.

Well, I think it was a good time.

It's all about the exercise, guys.

♪ Ain't this what you came for

♪ Don't you wish you came more?

♪ Girl what you're playing for?

♪ Come on

♪ Come on, let me kiss that

♪ Ooh, I know you miss that

♪ What's wrong? Let me fix that Twist that

♪ Baby, tonight's the night I let you know

♪ Baby, tonight's the
night we lose control

♪ Baby tonight, you need that
tonight, believe that

♪ Tonight, I'll be the best you ever had

♪ I don't wanna brag

♪ But I'll be

♪ The best you ever had

♪ I don't wanna brag

♪ But I'll be

♪ The best you ever had

♪ I hit you with the best throw

♪ Freestyle and the breaststroke

♪ Till you're blowing cigarette smoke

♪ And now the bed's broke

♪ So what we gonna do now?

♪ Round two now

♪ Work it out then we cool down

♪ Cool down

♪ Baby, tonight's the night I let you know

♪ Baby, tonight

♪ Baby, tonight's the
night we lose control

♪ Baby, tonight you need that

♪ Tonight believe that

♪ Tonight, I'll be the best you ever had

♪ I don't wanna brag

♪ But I'll be

♪ The best you ever had

♪ I don't wanna brag

♪ But I'll be

♪ The best you ever had ♪