All language subtitles for RuPauls.Drag.Race.All.Stars.S07E05.WEB-DL.480p-FN.en

RuPaul: Previously
on All Stars...

Everybody who has got a star

has been blocked but this bitch.

No, Jaida, no.

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you need to improv your way

through the enchanted TV
court show Fairytale Justice.

[all laugh]

[German accent]
My name is Helga

and I am from Germany
and I just like to eat strudel.

I do not sleep with dogs, okay?

I didn't know he could do that.

You know when you see
someone doing something

that they're so good at

and just the rest
of the world fades away?

That's what happened.

Meryl better watch her back

with all those accents
coming out your mouth, honey.

[all laugh]

The top two All Stars
of the week are

Jinkx Monsoon
and The Vivienne.

Jinkx, you were blocked
by Jaida last week,

so no star for you, darling.

Sorry!

This is your chance
to win $10.000

and block
one of your fellow queens.

The Vivienne, con-drag-ulations.
You're a winner, baby.

[cheers and applause]

With great power
comes great responsibility.

Oh!

Yes, yes.

The Vivienne.
[applause]

Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv.

To win a challenge
and a lip sync in America

on the main stage of RuPaul's
Drag Race feels so gorg.

I feel like I've finally arrived
in the legendary Legends club,

and I didn't have to suck
anyone's dick to get in it.

Congrats, Viv,
on your first star.

-Grats!
-Yes, congrats!

-Thank you.
-Congrats, Viv.

Thank you.

But also congrats to you,
Jinkx, on your second win.

Thanks.

Even though you don't have
anything to show for it.

-I know.
-Now you know how it feels.

If a queen wins a challenge
and has nothing to show for it,

did she really win
the challenge?

♪ I want to apologize ♪

♪ This would have been
your second star ♪

It's all right.
But no one has two stars yet.

Yeah.

But there are two people
without a star.

I know!

For fuck's sake.

I want a star.

For fuck's sake. [laughs]

I came here to win something.

This competition is very tough.

Each of us really set the bar
for the seasons that we were in.

We were the coolest girl
in the competition then.

But now here you are
with all the other cool chicks.

Salty.

She mad.

Uh-oh.

Girl, you got tissue
stuck to your shoe.

Apparently
I'm just a shitty queen.

[all laugh]

I cannot believe

that this trifling
little hooker blocked me.

Hi, Vivienne.

I'm so hurt.

I'm gonna get her.

Ooh, I'm gonna get her.

Ooh, it's gonna taste
so good.

[smacks lips] Mmm.

I'm gonna get her.

You were the next option,
in fairness,

with a win
but not a block, so--

Well, not the only one.

[laughs]
You shady bitch!

[laughs]

How does it feel, Monét,

to join the Platinum
Plunger sisterhood?

Um... [tongue pop]

Did you learn anything?

Is there an advantage?

[laughs]
Monét is finally blocked,

so she now knows

that I completely made up

the secret
of the Platinum Plunger

to mess with these girls.

So I'm looking at Monét like
let's try and keep this going.

I will say
with more information,

you play the game smarter.

-Fuck.
-[laughs]

Game on.

Can somebody just plunge me?

I mean, you don't
communicate telepathically

with your girlfriends?

Since we're sharing
and being honest,

I was thinking
of blocking someone else.

However, that person
was not up for a block.

-[gasps]
-Oh!

Oh, you were gonna
double block me.

I've got my eyes on the prize,

and you are one of the most
talented queens here.

That's very fair.
Thank you for being honest.

Duly noted, The Vivienne.

Let's get up out of this.

-Yes!
-Yes, mama.

Bye.

I don't hold grudges per se,
but my memory is long.

I don't drink anymore,
so I remember everything.

[laughs]

How do you think that,
like, that's gonna fare

if she ever gets the opportunity
to block you?

Werk!

[laughs]

It's a competition,
and Jinkx is the one

that's most in my lane of comedy
and theater and acting.

And so of course
I wanna beat Jinkx.

Get away from me!

And if I've gotta block her
week after week, I will.

And if Jinkx and the other girls
don't think it's proper,

well, I do think, luv.

[laughs]

Put that penis away.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

RuPaul: The winner
of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics,

a cash prize of $200.000,

and will be crowned
queen of all queens.

With our extra-special
guest judge Nikki Glaser.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best drag queen win ♪

♪ Best drag queen win ♪

Yes.

-Good morning.
-[bird call]

Well, today is a brand-new day
in the werkroom.

Brand-new day, fresh new day,

and that is exactly
what today is.

I'm excited.

Aah!

[laughs]

I had a lot of coffee,
I'm sorry.

[alarm]
Ooh!

RuPaul: Ooh, girl.

She done already
done had herses.

My fellow drag-uates,
who needs straight As

when a D can make you
magna cum loudly?

[all laugh]

Now, give them life,
and do it proudly.

-Okay.
-Werk.

Hello, hello, hello!

[cheering]

She was feeling it.

My queens, I believe that
children are the future.

Teach them well,
and they will rob you blind.

[all laugh]
True, true.

No, seriously, as drag legends,

you have a special calling
and responsibility

to inspire the children

with your charisma, uniqueness,
nerve, and talent.

So for this week's
maxi-challenge,

you need to write and deliver
an uplifting commencement speech

for all the drag-uates
around the world,

whether they're getting a PhD,
an MBA, or a beauty license

from the International
House of Pancake Makeup.

[all laugh]

Knowledge is power,
so pass it on.

And I ought to know,

because I'm the proud recipient
of a GED.

Hey!

-Hey!
-Werk!

#AllStars7.

Now, later today you'll workshop
your drag-uation speeches

with Carson Kressley and
the she-larious Nikki Glaser.

[cheers and applause]

Monét, since you were blocked,

I'm letting you choose
the speaking order.

Ooh!

[nervous laughter]

I'll go first,
Vivienne will go home.

[all laugh]

Oh, and one more thing.

This week,
the top two All Stars

will receive two legendary
Legend Stars.

What?

-Are you--
-No!

One to keep, and one
to give to a fellow queen.

What?

Oh, my...

-What?
-[laughs]

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best Legend win.

[all laugh]

-Yes!
-Okay.

Boom-chaka-laka-laka.

Pbl-pbl-pbl.

This sounds fun.

This week, our maxi-challenge

is to write and deliver

a drag-uation
commencement speech.

Has anyone had to do a real
speech in real life before?

I did in high school.

A whole, like, inspirational BS

about how we needed
to legalize pot.

-And it worked.
-It worked. It worked.

I feel like the way
for me to win this challenge

is to really surprise
the judges.

I want them to laugh with me,

I want them to cry with me,

I want them to give me a star.

What are you thinking
for your angle?

A little bit
of a cult leader.

Sorceress
at the top of a mountain,

wind blowing
through my silver hair.

-Because that's the visual.
-Yeah.

I sometimes think of myself
as a religious leader.

A very small religion,
but it's a religion nonetheless.

So my approach in the speech

is to play a sorceress,
a soothsayer.

She's kind of a wizard lady.

Hello, fairy children
of Mother Earth.

Are you looking at
what I'm writing?

No, I was looking you
dead in the eyes.

I would say just make sure your
speech starts with a big bang.

You wanna come out
of the gate swinging.

Doing a conceptual character
is very ambitious,

and it could really pay off.

But let's see if she's got
those skills to pay those bills.

Trinity is over there sewing.

She's actually
sewing a speech.

[laughs]

[laughs]
Sewing her speech.

She's embroidering it
under her coat.

[laughs]
I wouldn't put it past her.

Look, y'all,
I embroidered my speech.

[laughs]

Hee-haw!

It's not "hee-haw."
[all laugh]

Let me focus.

You know, the werkroom,
though much bigger now,

still is not a conducive
writing environment.

[plays xylophone]

[Jinkx laughs]

[sewing machine whirs]

[giggles]

[plays xylophone]

I have seven
loud bitches in here

just literally distracting me
from every corner.

♪ We're giving
graduate speeches ♪

♪ But you girls aren't
getting out of school ♪

♪ That's all we got,
so we're gonna stop ♪

Yes.

Jaida, ain't you Black?
Where's the rhythm?

[all laugh]

It's a lot.

Available on iTunes.

I need a thesaurus.

I might help. Sometimes
I'm a good thesaurus.

I'm a Thesaurus Rex.

You're probably as old as one.

-Fuck off.
-[laughs]

Monét, what's another word
for "inhibited?"

Blocked.

-[laughs]
-Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

I may be blocked,

but it puts
a little extra pep in my step

knowing that I get to pick
the order this week.

You know what, Jinkx?

I was thinking about the lineup,

and I think
I'm gonna put you ninth.

[all laugh]

And with two extra stars
on the table

to be given away
to somebody else,

I think I can really use
this power to my advantage

in this challenge.

I have no shame.

I'm gonna get Miss Monét
a charity star. Werk.

Does anyone have somewhere
that they'd like to go?

I would prefer
to not be first or last.

I don't know,
maybe, like, third.

I'm not gonna tell you
what to do,

but I would prefer to be third.

I would like
to be in the middle.

Werk.

I think the hard ones
are beginning and end.

So if you happen to get
a legendary Star this week

and you can give one
to someone else,

I mean, that would
just be so lovely.

I'll definitely
keep that in mind.

You gotta play these bitches
like fiddles, okay?

And I'm like an octopus.
I'm playing all the fiddles.

We are just--we are fiddling.

It's how you play the game.

I hope somebody gives me
a motherfucking star, bitch.

Werk.

Yeah.

Thank you.

[clears throat]
Gather round, ladies.

Gather round.

I think I have the order, guys.

-Oh.
-Oh, shit.

Oh, it feels like
we're going to--

Well, shit.

We're off to the gallows.

Off to the gallows.
[laughs]

Okay, the order
is going to be myself.

-Ooh!
-Okay.

Second, Shea;
third, Trinity;

fourth, Raja;

fifth, Jaida;

sixth, Yvie;

seventh, Jinkx;

-eighth, The Vivienne.
-Okay.

I mean, it's awfully petty.

Sounds fair.

Just because I blocked you,
you're putting me at the end.

Well, you put me
wherever you want, luv.

I've got a little secret weapon
that is gonna make me going last

the perfect ending
to a perfect graduation.

-Oh!
-Hello!

-Hi, Legends.
-Hello!

Now it's time to workshop
my drag-uation speech

with Nikki Glaser
and Carson Kressley.

Hi, Nikki.

Hi, Monét.

I love Nikki Glaser.

I'm a big fan of her type
of humor and her comedy.

She is so savage
and she's so funny.

So having her helping us
with our speeches, perfect.

What you say first

is going to be the thing
that people remember.

Since the first line
is so important, what is yours?

Thank you, students, parents,
faculty, and esteemed guests.

[laughs]
That was good.

So after you say "faculty"
and you do this,

whoever you're insinuating
you're blowing,

that should be the last
of the list there.

Got it.

So it should be one, two,
wipe your mouth.

Entire football team.

I don't know.
Whoever it's gonna be.

Yeah, yes, yes. That's fun.

No, that was middle school.

-[laughs]
-Oh, you're so precocious.

[laughs]

Looking out at all of you,

I'm not really sure
why I was asked to be here.

Maybe it was because of my
brilliant fashions on Season 10

or maybe just all this ass.

Either way, today you graduate
and take your fist--

[clears throat] first real steps
out into the world.

And that's all I have so far.

You've given us so much funny
and so much sass

that a kernel or two
of sincerity,

a little bit of sass
with some inspiration, I think.

Or ass-pirational?

Well, it's always
gonna be that with you.

Yeah. [laughs]

So, Shea, what do you think you
should impart in your speech?

I just started thinking
about my journey in school,

and I feel like we all look back

and we think about
the hot, popular kids,

that they grow up
and they're not as glamorous.

But I'm here to be, like,
living proof that they are.

[laughs]
Okay. That's a fun angle.

I was a super femme
drama/art nerd

who was up against
this giant society

that was set up to, like,
not allow me to flourish.

Yeah.

And then one day I just
looked at myself in the mirror

and I said, fuck 'em.

I'm gonna be the baddest and
the gayest and the flounciest,

and show them
that I am going places,

and you're going to see me
everywhere one day.

I love that.

I think that is so good,

and then add with
a fun little light button

to have us laughing
on the way out would be amazing.

Okay. I'm feeling
really encouraged

by the feedback I'm getting.

But now I have to actually
finish writing it.

Okay, so set the stage for us.

I'm trying to kind of draw on
my own personal experiences

-of sobriety and addiction.
-Okay.

So I may have found the bar
before I come up for my speech.

Okay.

But it's still inspirational.
[chuckles]

-Should we go through it?
-Yeah, sure.

[slurring] Good afternoon,
fellow students,

teachers,
and some old faces

I really wish I'd never
have to see again in my life.

And, yes, to the judgmental
bastards in the yearbook

who said I was the most likely
to become a crackhead

and piss my life up the wall,
you were right.

You do such
a fantastic drunk voice.

I think just take out
any superfluous words.

-Yeah.
-Not any filler.

-Well, that.
-What is filler?

I thought
I might try it once.

Yeah, just tighten it up,

because drunk people
are not fun to listen to,

because they get rambly.

So if you're giving us that
character with tight jokes,

it's gonna be
a really great one-two punch.

All right, perfect.

So I have a lot of stuff,

but I don't know
if it's in the right order,

or maybe it's too much.

Well, what are the beats
that you're working with?

Beat it out for us.

Hello, graduates,
I'm so honored

to be giving
a commencement address

to such talented people
who are much smarter than me.

[laughs]

I'm kind of surprised
that I would be asked

to be one of the ones
to speak here today,

being that Hooked on Phonics
didn't work for me.

-[laughs]
-And to be honest,

I really was on
Hooked on Phonics as a kid.

-You were?
-So, yes.

Math, English, writing,
I struggled through it all,

but I'm okay with taking
the piss out of myself

because I'm not the same person

as I was when I was
struggling with that.

I think there's a lot
of inspiration here.

So much.

And then I think
you're gonna pepper it

with some self-deprecating humor
to give us some relief.

Yeah.

You've got a big heart
and a tiny nose.

Use both of them.

I have a tiny nose now.

-That's also a funny bit.
-Yes!

You know,
how much you have changed.

-Okay.
-Yes!

My nose has changed,
my ass has changed.

Yes.

Okay.

You can't spell "tassel"
without "ass."

Don't do a spelling joke
around Trinity.

Oh!

Did you not hear?

Yeah, she doesn't know
how to spell.

[both laugh]

I'm taking it.

That'll at least be
one good joke.

Hi, Jinkx Monsoon.

What do you have
in store for us?

I have, like,
two different speeches.

-Great.
-Sure, give us the ideas.

The first one would be the time
I was hit by a car in Amsterdam.

Mm, good times.

Luckily, I was so drunk

that I just flopped over the car
like a ragdoll,

landed flat on the ground,
stood back up, felt fine,

thought that was a freebie.

The thesis statement is--

-Look both ways?
-[laughs]

Don't wait
to address your trauma.

All right,
let's hear the next one.

This one would be called

the time I got a condom
lost inside of me.

I really feel like
I'm gonna connect with this.

If you don't know
what "whiskey dick" is,

does the expression "pushing
rope" mean anything to you?

That's also strong.

It's so strong.

But I think the first one
is very universal.

-Yes, so good.
-Thank you.

Thank you for talking about

having a condom
stuck up inside you.

I thought I was alone!

-Yes, and you're not!
-No!

-And I'm gonna remove it.
-Yeah.

Finally!

So do you wanna
run through it with us?

Absolutely.

I'm Jaida Essence Hall--

Dr. Jaida Essence Hall--

because today,
that feels right.

I love that.

Now, I know being here I am
truly doing the Lord's work,

and I'm so proud of myself,

as I'm sure
you're all proud of me.

[both laugh]

And then it gets serious.

Part of your comedy
is your confidence.

You're so regal
and you're so wonderful.

Yeah, I'm glad you noticed.

Yes, lean into that,
because it's funny.

Yeah. You can't help
but be hilarious. You're a star.

Thank you.

I'm so excited
to see what you do.

Thank you.

What would be your speech
in one sentence?

Go out and fail.

Fail as much as possible.

-Why?
-Why?

When you're worried about
succeeding all the time,

you limit your experience

and you limit what you're
allowing yourself to take in.

Whereas when you do get
that really sweet failure,

it gives you a chance
to learn from that mistake.

-That's a great idea.
-It's so good.

Do you wanna run
some of the lines?

I have the beginnings.

Howdy, y'all, I'm Yvie Oddly,
and it is my--uh...

Uh...uh...

You can just read it,
seriously.

Like, you don't need to be--

Girl, I just wrote this
five minutes ago.

I'm not up for it yet.
I'm so sorry.

I guess I'm passionate
about failure.

[laughs]

I can't wait to see you
really eat it tomorrow.

-You're gonna be horrible.
-Thank you.

Good luck,
and do fuck it up.

Yeah, truly, eat shit.

[laughs]

Of course there's a greeting
at the beginning.

Hello, I'm Raja.

I will be your sorceress,
soothsaying sage, and speaker.

So you're giving us Raja
as kind of another character.

Cult leader.

-Okay. Uh-huh.
-Yes, yes.

You know, tonight I'm here
to share some of my wisdom

about how we are all part
of the ebb and flow,

and that if something
as vast as the ocean

succumbs to the tides
of the moon,

none of us as humans
are exempt.

So it starts there.

Profound shit.

Are you into it?
I'm into it.

We can use some sprinkles
of comedy.

Of course, yes.

It's dramatically comedic.

There's more coming,
there's more coming.

Like, just everything
needs to be faster.

You know, for those
who don't understand,

it might feel
a little out of the box,

but I think it's funny,

I think I have
a profound message to give,

and this could just be
my own Gemini delusion,

but I feel that my presence

is enough of a statement
on its own, even in silence.

Perhaps I'll win a star
this week.

-Maybe.
-Fuck, I hope.

-[laughs]
-Over it.

I haven't won a star yet, so--

-That's outrageous.
-I'm rooting for you.

I can't even.

[laughs]

Peace.

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

A new day.

I thought you were gonna
hit me with your purse,

I tried, I missed.

[laughs]

Happy graduation day!

Today we're getting ready
to get on the stage

and do our drag-uation
commencement speeches.

How are you feeling, Jaida?

I'm feeling good.
How are you feeling?

Feeling pretty good.

I am excited to hopefully
inspire some people out there.

Let's take
a Tajín shot together.

-Have you ever done it before?
-Sure. No.

Also, give you all a little bit
of my dry sense of humor, okay?

[coughs]

So this gives you energy?

-Yeah, I feel like it does.
-What's in it?

Just, like, seasonings.
I don't know.

Maybe the judges
will think it's fantastic,

and maybe they'll think, like,

get this thirsty bitch
some water.

-I mean, I'll try anything.
-Okay.

Anal? Cheers.

[both laugh]

This is gonna be fun.

It's like All Winners
graduation day.

-We just need booze.
-Yeah.

Oh, my God, a cold glass
of sauv blanc.

[all laugh]

I'm gonna start
my own sauvignon blanc line.

It's gonna be called
Wine and Complain.

-[laughs]
-That's so good.

I hope you don't think

I was trying to be shady
with your placement at all.

Second to last,
not a memorable spot.

But if you're good, you're good,
no matter where you are.

If anything,
I'm gonna make sure

Vivienne has her work
cut out for her.

What are you two shady bitches
talking about over there?

[laughs]

I think it's obvious
that The Vivienne and I

share similar talents
and abilities,

and half the time The Vivienne's
performing in the challenges,

all I can think is, goddamn,
I wish I had thought of that.

Everyone can hear each other
better than I thought.

[laughs]

That's probably why
we're becoming frenemies.

Vivienne, how well
can you hear me right now?

[laughs]

Plus, The Viv basically said

she would have blocked me
if she had the chance.

So scary, you know?
[laughs]

How does everyone feel

about having the power
of giving away stars?

I'm so geeked
by this fucking twist.

Monét is determined to be
the first blocked girl

to get a star while blocked.

Blocked girls matter.

[laughs]

I mean, there's a couple
of queens in here

who have stars
who have not been blocked yet.

-There are.
-Yeah.

-Huh?
-Huh?

-Huh? What?
-What?

Bitch, get off my back.

[both laugh]
Aah!

Bitch, I don't know
what you're talking about.

I gotta be in the top today.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪

And what?

Yes.
[applause]

Welcome to the main stage

of RuPaul's Drag Race
All Stars, All Winners.

Michelle Visage.

Now, what's the best piece
of advice you've ever gotten?

If it goes in,
eventually it has to come out.

Has anything ever not come out?

Only my doctor knows for sure.

[all laugh]

Style superstar Carson Kressley,

what would you tell
your younger self?

Don't worry,
my beautiful child.

Cher will do
another farewell tour.

Several, actually.

[all laugh]

And our extra-special
guest judge Nikki Glaser.

Hey, Nikki, do you ever
get stage fright?

I don't.
The one time I did, though,

was when I had to roast
Ann Coulter,

and it wasn't because
I was scared to be mean to her.

It was just because
I had to share the stage

with someone
who's so terribly evil.

Have you met Michelle Visage?

[all laugh]

This week
we challenged our All Stars

to inspire us
with drag-uation speeches.

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best Legend win.

From RuPaul's Drag U

to all the drag-uates
around the world,

please welcome Monét X Change.

[applause]

Good morning, afternoon,

to all the students,
parents, and faculty.

[all laugh]

It truly is an honor

to stand before you here
at a dainty 5'12,

but I'm not sure why
I was asked to be here today.

Perhaps it was my sickening
looks on Season 10.

-Oop.
-Oop.

Or maybe just all this ass,
you know what I'm saying?

Either way, today marks
your graduation,

and a commitment
to take your fist--

oh, I mean first--first--

first real steps
out into the world,

where you'll encounter
many situations

that'll compel you to ask
yourself:

Am I doing this right?

Did I choose the right career?

Should I have let
the entire football team

spit roast me again?

Yes.
[all laugh]

The answer is always yes.

When I graduated college,

I can honestly stand here
and admit that I was afraid.

I was afraid to let the world
at large see me for who I was.

But a wise spirit
named Mufasa once said,

[imitating Mufasa]
"Remember who you are, Simba."

Don't be afraid to show
the world who you are.

So what you're loud?

So what you stutter?

So what you're poor?

So what you're queer?

When life
is giving it to you hard,

you stand there, you grit
your teeth, sniff some poppers,

and you take it,
every inch of it.

Con-drag-ulations, graduates.
You turned it!

[applause]

Please welcome Shea Couleé.

Hello, drag-uates.

When I was approached

to speak at today's
commencement ceremony,

my first thought
was avoid clichés.

However, I realized that, like
Jinkx Monsoon's makeup skills,

they're not that bad.

[all laugh]

For example, how many of us
have been reassured growing up

that the popular kids don't
mature into popular adults?

Well, I can say that
that statement is false.

I was popular then,

and I'm popular now.

But as a young, Black,
queer and femme person,

it wasn't always easy.

So one day in the cafeteria
I did the unthinkable.

I walked
to the center of the room

and sat at the cool kids' table.

Everyone looked at me
like I was delusional.

They tried to shade me,

but, baby,
you can't shade the sun.

[all laugh]

Now, I know that this story

sounds like some clichéd plot
from a John Hughes film,

but I guarantee you it's not,
because I'm Black.

[all laugh]

In closing, there could be
99 people in a cafeteria

that don't believe in you,

but if one person
believes in you,

then you can be
the baddest bitch in school.

And sometimes,
that one person is you.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Next, please welcome
Trinity the Tuck.

Hello, drag-uates.

I'm actually kind of surprised

that I was asked
to speak here today,

mostly because Hooked on Phonics
didn't work for...moo?

[all laugh]
Muh?

Whatever, girl,
it didn't work for me.

When I was in school,

I didn't know
if I was smart enough.

I didn't think that
I was good at anything,

and my grandmother
got really, really sick,

and I had to quit school
to take care of her.

That prevented me

from graduating with my class
in high school.

But you do what you have to do
for those you love.

Remember that.

I eventually found drag
and realized what I was good at.

I may not have walked down
with a cap and gown,

but, girl, I do put the "ass"
in "tassel."

[all laugh]

Some of you are about to go out
and do some amazing things.

Most won't.

[all laugh]

But never give up.

Hard work and determination will
lead you to maybe do what I did,

and tie for first
on a reality competition show.

And if the degree

that your parents spent
thousands of dollars on

doesn't work out, girl,
just go down to Mexico

and get yo ass fat
and become a drag queen.

Congratulations.

[all laugh]

Thank you.

[applause]

It is my honor to present Raja.

[laughs]

Greetings, friends.

It is my great honor to be here.

I am aware of your presence.

[all laugh]

I am Raja,
soothsayer, sorceress,

sage, and speaker tonight.

Here are five important pieces
of earned wisdom to remember.

One: time in this realm
will feel rapid and limited.

Grasp every moment

and connect always
to the ebb and flow,

'cause we're all gonna die.

[all laugh]

Two: Fuck a lot.

Like, a lot-lot.

Fuck till you can't
fuck no more.

[all laugh]

Three: pay. your. taxes.

They are watching.

They know when you're asleep
and awake.

They know you purchase poppers
from Berlin online.

They know your women's shoe size
is really a 15.

[all laugh]

Four: always be kind
and good to people,

especially if they have money.

[all laugh]

Oh, yes. Be nice
to the poor as well.

One can never be sure
if a camera lurks nearby

to capture your good deeds.

[all laugh]

Last but not least,
number five:

"institutions"
also spells "intuitions"

if you're dyslexic.

[all laugh]

A wise soul once said
if you reach for the moon,

you'll find yourself
amongst the stars.

You'll incinerate and combust
passing through the atmosphere,

but, yes, stars.

[all laugh]

Thank you, stay booked,
stay blessed.

[laughter and applause]

Yes, Raja!

That was so good!

Yes!

Welcome back
to our drag-uation ceremony.

Next, please welcome
Jaida Essence Hall.

Well, good evening, bitches.

[all laugh]

I am so glad to see

that my degrees from Drag U
and Trump University

are finally
being put to good use.

Now, for most of us,

this is as good as it's ever
going to fucking get.

But you're all alive,

and this would be extremely
awkward if you weren't.

[all laugh]

Growing up, I had imagined

that life
was this perfect set of steps

that led
to a pathway of success.

But when I turned 30 years old,
I felt like such a failure

because I had not graduated
from high school,

I didn't go to college,

I didn't have
this amazing corporate job

or this big, beautiful family,

and I thought that I really
missed my chance at success.

But opportunity
did knock on my door,

and I found true love,
true happiness,

and most importantly,
success, bitch.

Look at me!

And I'm so proud of me,

as I'm sure
all of you are today.

"Hold for applause."

[laughter and applause]

Never believe
that it is too late

for you to join the party.

And speaking of party,
bitch, I gotta get outta here,

because we got one after this,
and Imma head out.

So look over there!

Bye, motherfuckers!

[applause]

Please welcome Yvie Oddly.

Ooh!
[applause]

Oh!

[all laugh]

[laughs] I love it.

[applause]

Now, before we begin,
I would really appreciate it

if we could take some time
to bow our heads

and give praise to the creator,

through whom all things
are possible.

Thank you, RuPaul.

[all laugh]

Like, seriously, girl,

thanks for signing
that check, bitch.

You know, they say money
can't buy happiness,

but looking at all
these bitches' smiles,

it can at least buy you
a new grill.

My time competing on Drag Race

gave me something more important
than any check could ever write,

so I feel it's my duty
to pass it on to you:

the gift of failure.

Mm.

I would like to think that
all of my successes in life

are really just
the fruit of my failures.

For example,
I might never have known

that I was so damn good
at lip syncing

if I didn't first discover

how damn bad I am at
impersonating Whoopi Goldberg.

[all laugh]

Ru tried to warn me.

[imitating RuPaul]
"You in danger, girl."

It's still not there.

So when you go out
into the world,

I want you to try hard,
I want you to swing big,

and I want you to fail.

Because it's through
these trials and errors

that we really learn to become
the people we are meant to be.

Good luck, and fuck it up.

Fuck it up.

Con-drag-ulations!

[applause]

Please welcome Jinkx Monsoon.

Hello, and blessed be
to the graduating class

of whatever year you're
watching this on YouTube.

[all laugh]

I'm Jinkx Monsoon,
and it's become very obvious

that I thought I was speaking
at a different school today.

So I'm going to salvage
as much of this speech as I can.

[clears throat]

Double, double,
toil and trouble--

No, I think we can skip
that part. Okay.

Hecate, Hecate, Hecate--
Yeah, none of this works here.

Oh, okay, here's something
we all can relate to.

One year I was reluctantly
taking a vacation in Amsterdam--

That's going on holiday
for you, Viv.

And as I was returning
to my hotel

after a particularly raucous
night out,

a car came whipping
around the corner,

driving backwards at full speed.

It hit my body
like a charging rhino,

knocked the joint
right out of my hand.

I just flopped over the car
like a ragdoll,

landed flat in the street.

But I stood up,
dusted myself off, took a bow,

and said, "That was a freebie."

I felt completely fine,

so I didn't do
anything about it.

Now seven years later,

my spine is out of alignment
in three different places

and I wake up every morning

feeling like I've been
put through a cement mixer.

[all laugh]

You see, the body
remembers trauma,

even if the mind suppresses it.

Some say being born
is an act of trauma.

Think of it.

You are ripped out of
the ultimate safe space,

and then thrust into a world
full of people

who would just as soon
run you down with their car

and leave you for dead

in the middle
of the streets of Amsterdam!

[all laugh]

I implore you to allow
yourselves the time

to process your trauma.

Do the work today
so you can truly enjoy tomorrow.

The grand high witch herself,
RuPaul, once told me,

"We can't forgive our past

until we allow ourselves
time to face it,"

or something to that effect.

My memory is mashed potatoes.

I was hit by a fucking car!

[laughter and applause]

Please welcome The Vivienne.

[slurring]
Good afternoon.

First off,
let me just apologize

for my fellow speakers'
bloody dull stories.

I had to have a drink
just to stay awake.

But I did come here
to share a story with you all

about my sobriety journey.

[all laugh]

And as you can see,
it's going bloody fantastic.

And, yes, the judgmental
bastards in the yearbook

who said I was most likely
to become a crackhead

and piss my life up the wall,

congratulations, you were right.

[all laugh]

I can see my old Spanish tutors
out there in the crowd.

Hola, Mr. Kressley.

You know, it's funny.

Mr. Kressley would never give
you a good grade, would he?

No matter how many times
you noshed him off.

Oh, sorry.
Our little secret.

[all laugh]

But let's take a minute

to look at these fine speakers
this evening.

Jinkx Monsoon
finished top of her class.

Trinity the Tuck finished
top of her professor.

[all laugh]

And well done, Raja,
for finally getting your degree.

Just too bad by the time
you get to use it,

you'll be dead.

[all laugh]

There are many ways in life
to get to the top.

Take it from me.

You'll be much more popular
if you're a bottom.

And if all else fails,
just do what I did.

Find the oldest,
richest man you can,

marry him, then push
the bastard down the stairs.

[all laugh]

Cheers.

[laughter and applause]

Is she okay?

[all laugh]

Category is Veiled It.

Up first, Monét X Change.

Nikki: She's so cagey.

Michelle:
I tawt I saw a Monét X Change.

Carson: Did she just
give us all the bird?

[all laugh]

Monét: Now, y'all know
I would not come out here

in some traditional,
boring veil.

I am giving you a songbird.
It's fashion.

I look expensive,
and, baby, guess what?

I smell expensive, too.

Michelle:
Now, pluck off.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Shea Couleé.

Nikki:
Pleated for her pleasure.

Michelle:
The world accordion to Shea.

[all laugh]

Shea: I am channeling
my grandmother

floating through her garden

with these gorgeous
accordion pleats.

You cannot tell me that
I do not look like a legend.

Nikki: Now I know where in
the world Carmen Sandiego is.

RuPaul:
She's in "Veil," Colorado.

[all laugh]

Trinity the Tuck.

She's not high maintenance,
she's just high.

Michelle:
She'd like to say "I do,"

but she did, and he's dead.

[all laugh]

Trinity: I feel like
the only second wife

who married her rich, much
older husband who just died,

and she inherited it all.

And then
she's gonna marry his son.

Nikki: She's good at drag-ging
those flowers with her veil.

[all laugh]

To wear a train like this
with all the weight at the end,

bitch, I am getting a workout.

How is this wig still on?

Carson: Business in the front,
Rose Parade in the back?

RuPaul:
No, rosebud in the back.

[all laugh]

Up next, Raja.

Michelle: Raja's wearing
the latest edition.

RuPaul: This is the Anna Wintour
of our discontent.

[all laugh]

Raja: "Voile" in French
means "veil."

See what I did?

I can be a little bit
of a maximalist.

If you give me a challenge,
I might take it too far,

and you're gonna love it.

Carson: Well, she's really
got this look covered.

RuPaul:
Yes, she certainly does.

Jaida Essence Hall.

Wow, she's got this look
wrapped up.

Carson:
It's Spanish, and it's fly.

[all laugh]

Jaida: I'm giving you
the haunted woman

that's, like, deep down
at the end of a hallway,

and I'm just holding a candle,
looking sickening,

even if you can't see me fully.

Nikki: She walks into
the club hearse-first.

[Michelle laughs]

RuPaul: Yvie Oddly.

Michelle: Ooh, I think
you mean Beadly Oddly.

[all laugh]

♪ Bead it ♪
I said "Bead it."

[all laugh]

Yvie: I am serving
veils on veils to no avail.

So heavy, but you can't tell,

because my leg is out
and I am pumping it.

RuPaul:
Because beading is what?

-Fundamental!
-Fundamental!

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Jinkx Monsoon.

Nikki: What's her
butterfly net worth?

Carson: Lavender?
I hardly know her!

Jinkx: It's a very
precarious headdress.

The slightest little breeze
throws everything off.

But I'm hoping the payoff
will be worth it.

Everything's coming up...
pansies?

[laughs]

I'm the goddess of the spring,

and I'm in full bloom,

no matter what
time of year this is airing.

Michelle:
Dress by Miracle-Gro.

[all laugh]

RuPaul:
Up next, The Vivienne.

Michelle: Oh, my God,
gag me with a ball or two.

Carson:
It's by Dolce and Gabbondage.

-Oh!
-[laughs]

Vivienne: I'm giving you

cybersex doll bride.

I'm supposed to
look like I'm in pain.

I am in pain. [laughs]

Nikki: Lookit, she's
the belle of the ball gag.

[all laugh]

♪ Old friends go ♪

Welcome, ladies.

Tonight, the top two
All Stars of the week

will each receive
two legendary Legend Stars,

one to keep, and one
to give to a fellow queen.

I give to the needy,
not the greedy.

[all laugh]

Now it's time
for the judges' critiques,

starting with Monét X Change.

Tweet, tweet.

I thought your speech
was really fun.

The football team spit roast
I could relate to.

[all laugh]

-Same.
-Thank you.

You just nailed the speech,
you made it so funny.

I was thoroughly impressed.

Thank you, Nikki.

This outfit is iconic.

Iconic.

Thank you, Ru.

It's really
beautifully constructed,

but it's very drag.
It's fun.

it's got a sense of humor
and a great sense of glamour,

and it's a great balance
of those two.

So I love this.

Up next, Shea Couleé.

The speech all about kind of how
popular you were was hilarious.

That comedy,
just matter of fact,

and then you move on,
always gets me.

You were so good and so relaxed
and comfortable.

It was really, really good.

This look, I think those layers
of accordion pleated silk

are so gorgeous.

I wanted to wear this as
a love letter to my grandmother,

because some
of my fondest memories

were her walking around her
garden, cultivating the earth.

That explains everything.

-You look so stunning.
-Thank you.

Up next, it's Trinity the Tuck.

I'm so excited how well
you nailed that phonics joke.

That was an advanced
performance of comedy

that I want you to know
you nailed.

And I did appreciate
that you had

a heartfelt vulnerable moment
in there as well.

I thought you did
a very good job.

This look, you have never
looked more gorgeous.

It's like Evita dressed for,
like, a funeral or something.

So fun.

I don't know how many cases
you took to get here,

but they were all
filled with trains.

I would like to say

that the girls
have changed my name

to Trinity the Train.

Yes.
[all laugh]

I promise, this is the last
big train thing.

No, keep it coming.

You are such a star.

-Thank you, Trinity.
-Thank you.

Up next, it's Raja Gemini.

Our soothsayer, coming out
in this celestial garb.

I think my favorite line
in the whole thing was,

"We're all gonna die."

[all laugh]
Well...

And your speech
was such a great departure

from the tone
that had already been set.

It was just,
like, this character

that was, like, made things
light and fun and weird.

I felt like
I was talking to someone

who was describing
a mushroom trip.

[all laugh]

This look, I mean, I swear
I've seen this in a magazine.

[laughs]

The details on this,

even the masthead
of the magazine name.

-"Voile" is French for "veil."
-Right.

Add points.
Go ahead and add points.

[all laugh]

We'll see what we can do.

Jaida Essence Hall.

-Hey!
-She's in there.

I think my favorite line was,

"I'm so proud of me,
as you all are today."

[all laugh]

Your use of "bitch" throughout,

it really is overused
a lot of times in comedy.

You used it so perfectly

that I didn't look at it
as a device.

And you got personal, too,

and I'm glad you went there.

Tonight you are
definitely veilded.

I love the Spanishness of it.

The dotted mesh is so pretty
and so kind of current and now.

I love that I can't see you

and that I had to, like,
go, I wanna know more.

Like a lingerie burqa,
and I liked it.

[all laugh]

Up next, it's Yvie Oddly.
Ooh, look at that leg.

This look is fantastic.

It's glamorous, it's sparkly.

You're giving us Angelina Oddly
with the exposed leg.

All of that beading
on that kind of Aztec motif,

so chic, so fabulous.

Your speech, you did
a pratfall, which I appreciate.

You got up
and you left the cards,

so you did the whole thing
without cards.

That's an extra,
like, good job for that.

Your speech
struck a chord with me,

because I have failed
way more than I have succeeded.

But that's what brought me
here today.

I'm gonna keep failing my way
towards your position.

[all laugh]

Up next, it's Jinkx Monsoon.

Who said that?

[all laugh]

This look veiled it, oh!

This is so beautiful.

You've got a garden
growing out of your body.

And that butterfly illusion
of them holding up your veil,

it's magic and enchanted.

This is just a gorgeous look.

Your character
in the drag-uation speech

was hilarious.

You started out
the wrong school,

it was just funny and smart,
and the way Jinkx does things.

I'm so grateful
you told that story,

because it not only literally
struck me like the car,

but it, like,
figuratively, I get it.

Like, that's
an important message,

and it was very clear,
so great job.

Now, this may be
a good opportunity to tell you

that that was probably me
behind the wheel of that car.

[all laugh]

Up next, The Vivienne.

The Vivienne, your graduation
speech, it wasn't over the top.

You didn't, like, ruin
the bit by being too sloppy.

You're a great comedic actress.

And you spent the entire time
in character.

Even when the other queens
were giving their speeches,

you were back in your chair

with your sunglasses on
and your martini glass.

This look tonight,
I loved the ball gag,

I love the bondage,
I love the color you chose.

This look, I just love.

You were like Ariel caught
in a fishnet, and I loved it.

Thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

Before you untuck
in the werkroom,

there's someone
I want you to meet.

Please give a warm
Drag Race welcome

to the Speaker of the House,
Nancy Pelosi.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome back.

It's my honor to be here

to say to all of you
how proud we all are of you.

Thank you for the joy and beauty
you bring to the world.

Aw!

Your freedom of expression
of yourselves in drag

is what America is all about.

I say that all the time
to my friends in drag.

[laughter and applause]

Now, Speaker Pelosi,

with all the challenges
facing our nation,

what words of wisdom
do you have for us?

Well, the single most important
thing I can say is to vote.

With the midterm elections
coming up,

it's very important
for people to make their voices

and their vote heard.

Well, thank you so much
for the work you've done

and the work you continue to do
tirelessly for our freedom.

Your tenacity is something
that we all look up to.

We throw the word "master class"
around here all the time,

but that sarcastic, shady clap
you do was fucking epic.

It was completely unintentional.

[all laugh]

We have prayers in our hearts
to keep you strong.

Well, thank you for that.

May God bless America.

Can I get an "amen?"

-Amen!
-Amen!

Thank you, Madam Speaker!

[applause]

All right, now, just between
us squirrel friends,

who are the queens you were most
passionate about this week?

Shea Couleé blew me away
with the graduation speech.

So funny, so confident,
so many great jokes.

I was popular then,
and I'm popular now.

And the way she did it
was so calm and cool,

I felt totally safe and
totally at ease watching her.

Her runway look tonight,

with all the layers
of the accordion pleating,

I thought it was really fun,
really fashion, really chic.

You know,
when I watched The Viv,

I was sold from
the second she got out there,

and I just thought it was so
different than everyone else's.

When she said she was gonna do
a drunk character

for the entire bit,

I think we were both
kind of like, ooh,

it could just be, like, cloying
or something, and not play.

But it all worked.

I didn't take one note

because I was so engrossed
in her performance.

I wanted more.
It was that good.

Cheers.
[all laugh]

But her runway look,

I loved the juxtaposition
of that beautiful blue

and the S&M kind of feel.

She looked spectacular.

Really, you talk
about veiled it.

Jinkx has come a very long way
with her fashions, as we know.

The illusion of the monarchs
holding up the veil in the back,

the way that beautiful
lavender gown fit her,

it was just so stunning.

And her speech was
so wonderfully executed.

To the graduating class

of whatever year you're
watching this on YouTube.

There were jokes,
there was poignancy,

she brought light to trauma
while still addressing trauma.

That's not an easy thing to do.

We were just in it with her.
It was so effective.

And what great wisdom.

That's a home run for me.

I hate to use
a football reference.

This was also such
a strong night for Raja.

Yes, and I love
that she approached it

so differently
from everybody else.

We're all gonna die.

[all laugh]

And it was just very funny,

and it was layers
upon layers of jokes.

One of the best performances
of the night by far.

And then the magazine look,
I'll never forget it.

It really honestly,
like, made me jaw drop.

There's nothing more perfect for
her than what she did tonight.

It was glamorous,
it was cheeky, it was smart.

It was what drag's
supposed to be.

I'm just so impressed
with all of these--

I'm not gonna call them kids,
they're people.

But, God, they know
what they're talking about.

Silence.
I've made my decision.

Bring back my Legends.

Welcome back, ladies.

Based on your
drag-uation speeches

and your veiled
runway presentations,

I've made some decisions.

The top two All Stars
of the week are...

Jinkx Monsoon...

and Raja.

[applause]

I am elated. [laughs]

Con-drag-ulations.

You've each earned
two legendary Legend Stars,

one to keep
and one star to give away.

Jinkx and Raja,
all of the other six queens

are eligible to receive
your legendary Legend Star.

Think carefully,
and you will gift your stars

at the beginning of next week.

-Oh.
-Oh.

So y'all better act right.

[all laugh]

Ladies, the rest of you
may take a seat.

Two legends stand before me.

Jinkx, Raja,

this is your chance
to impress me,

win $10.000,

and earn the power

to block
one of your fellow queens

from receiving a legendary
Legend Star next week.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your legacy!

Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.

Uh. Aah. Uh. Aah. Uh. Oh.

♪ Black, white, ebony
all sound good to me ♪

♪ Two-tone recipe
got good chemistry ♪

♪ J.F. Kennedys,
kiss hood celebrities ♪

♪ Don't matter to me,
'cause I like everything ♪

♪ You can be my lover ♪

♪ 'Cause love looks better
in color ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, big dick energy
tastes like collard greens ♪

♪ Big ass patty cake,
hey, happy days ♪

♪ Bitch, don't label me,
I'm me famously ♪

♪ Nobody's safe, nobody ♪

♪ You and you and you
and you can be my lover ♪

♪ 'Cause love looks better
in color ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Color ♪

♪ My whole world
of color, baby ♪

♪ Love looks better,
love, love looks better ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Rainbows and shit ♪

♪ Ooh, if I'm trying
to tell you ♪

♪ Then you try to hurt me ♪

♪ Imma tell your mama ♪

♪ Color me, color me,
color me, color me ♪

♪ Color me, color me,
color me, color me ♪

♪ Color me, color me,
color me, color me ♪

♪ Color me, color me,
color me, color me ♪

♪ Color me, color me,
color me, color me ♪

♪ Yeah, you can be my lover ♪

♪ 'Cause love looks better
in color, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's dark under the covers ♪

♪ But love looks better
in color ♪

[cheers and applause]

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Jinkx Monsoon,
con-drag-ulations.

You're a winner, baby.

[applause]

You've won a cash tip
of $10.000.

Raja, you are free
to slay another day.

You may step
to the back of the stage.

[applause]

Queens, please join Jinkx
on the main stage.

Jinkx Monsoon, with great power
comes great responsibility.

Using the Platinum Plunger...

Show us which queen
you've chosen to block.

Nice to see you, Yvie.

Don't you dare.

Jaida, lovely as always.

[Yvie laughs]

Shady Couleédy.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know who to block.

That's what gives me anxiety.

Also, I'm just riddled
with anxiety in general.

[laughs]

I hope you take this
as the compliment I mean it as.

You're blocked!

Well, you got me, girl.

[all laugh]

The Vivienne, next week
you can compete and even win,

but Jinkx has blocked you from
earning a legendary Legend Star.

Con-drag-ulations, ladies.

And remember,
if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell
you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen" up in hurr?

-Amen!
-Amen!

All right.
Now let the music play!

[music plays]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

[laughs]

♪ Cover girl ♪

RuPaul: Next time
on All Stars...

We're curious who you're gonna
give your second star to.

I will definitely
take a handout

from a loving sister.

[cracks knuckles]

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you need to live
your Y2K girl group fantasy

on a flashback episode
of MTV's TRL.

[all laugh]

It's kind of like what Americans
think of British people.

Cups of tea, foreskin.

You had me at foreskin.

[both laugh]

♪ Na-na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Cut in two ♪

This is, like, pop star stuff.

I'm more of a sexy lounge act.

I'm blocked.

Vivienne, are you
still mad about that?

It's resting bitch face.

It's just the filler. Look.

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪