All language subtitles for Division.III.Footballs.Finest.2011.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

(narrator)
ln college football, the NCAA
recognizes three divisions.

The highest being
Division I,

offering full ride
scholarship to
top athletes

with the promise
of a pro career.

Division ll offers
some scholarships.

Pro careers
are Iess common.

And then

there's Division III.

They play
football as well.

WeIcome to ChanneI 57
Sports Talk.

I'm Chet Ryback.

The head coach of
the Division I I I
PuIIham BIuecocks

dies of a heart attack
due to coId water shock

whiIe the team ceIebrated
the second and final
victory of the season.

Let's see what's
in the mix with
Denny Dawson.

I'm Denny "D-Dog" Dawson
here at PuIIham University
during this trying time.

The autopsy has said that he
couId've had a heart attack
before the water hit him.

So actuaIIy the ice water
couId've heIped numb
the pain.

Your thoughts
on your footbaII
coach's death.

We have a
footbaII team?

Tragedy, what happened
to your coach.

Yeah, I know.

AImost as tragic as
how much I pay you
to do nothing.

If they don't produce
a winning record
next season,

it wiII be the end
of the footbaII peopIe.

Due to the circumstances and
my knowledge and experience
as an AII American,

I am Iooking forward
to resuming coaching
responsibiIities next year.

Didn't you hear?
President WhistIer
already hired someone.

What?

Yes, the formerIy unhirabIe
coach Rick Vice has
been tap--

Wait a minute.
Is it...Rick--

Is it Rick Vice the guy who
raped aII those Pee Wee
footbaII pIayers?

[Iaughs]

Oh. Oh, attempted murder?

[chuckIes]

PIease, send an
apoIogy Ietter to
the Vice famiIy ASAP.

Boy, is my face red.
Either way,

he's been tapped
to resurrect
the BIuecocks,

and boy.
I wish him weII.

Are you about ready
to wrap up this
wet dream

of becoming
a Division I I I
quarterback?

Do I Iook
Iike a quitter?

Look Iike a gerbiI.

♫ There once
Was a time ♫

♫ When everyone said
Something good about you ♫

♫ Now the time has gone ♫

♫ There once
Was a time ♫

♫ When everyone
Wanted to be with you ♫

♫ Now the time has gone ♫

Take a knee.

[music continues]

[gasps]

Hey, IittIe mama,
what you doing?

I'm coaching over
at the coIIege.
I'm the head coach.

♫ There once
Was a time ♫

♫ When everyone
Wanted to be with you ♫

♫ Now the time has gone ♫

You got it.

Hey, where the heII's Mitch?

Mitch had
a Iong night.

[snoring]

Dude.

You got practice
in Iike five minutes.

Are you stiII drunk?
Dude, you gotta be
down there.

Come on.

Ah.

Man, you are
a sad sight.

I'm practicing.

I'm a backup, dude.
I sit on the bench.

Here.

CompIiments
of my dad.

You better get down there.
The new coach is gonna
flip his shit.

No, based on what I heard
on this guy, flipping his
shit is gonna be his opener.

[bIowing whistIe]

AII right,
you IaIIygagging
motherfuckers.

If you're five
minutes earIy, then you're
fifteen minutes Iate.

Twenty Iaps around
the track. You got
37 minutes.

[bIows whistIe]

Fuck off!

He's got a gun!

Run!

He's got a gun!

[shoots]

Coach?
Check the ass.

Open your Iegs wide.
Not you, you've had
enough of that.

Open your legs wide.

Oh-Ia-Ia.

Martin Luther King.
I'II teII you what.

Everyday's
bIack history month.

Come on, AIan,
fIex your feet more.
Stretch, stretch.

Push Iike you're
coming out of me.

Where the heII
you been?

Uh...Lucky Horse?

You know that's
the training
bar, right?

Got a problem
with free drinks?

You'II need
to checkout
the new trainer.

[aII shouting]

Idiot.

Pick up the pace.
What is this, some
kind of AlDS walkathon?

[grunts]

WeIcome to it.

I'm your new
head coach,
Rick Vice.

And this quarter
ton of fun next
to me

He aIso happens
to be your nutritionist,
which I know is ironicaI.

(Rick)
Now, I've been toId
by the lady upstairs

that if you queers
don't have a winning
season this year,

they're gonna yank
the plug on your little
football program

the way you've been yanking
your plugs for the last two,
three years.

Why are they gonna
yank the pIug?

Shut the fuck up!

You know
where we are?

We're in a smaII, private
IiberaI arts coIIege.

Huh? They'd rather
spend their money

on faggoty arts
and crafts
and such.

Pottery.

NonetheIess.

For the next couple
and a half months
or three,

your asses
is grasses.

[squeaking]

And you're
the Iawn mower.

No, you're
the Iawn mower.

No, you're
the Iawn--what?

You're the Iawn mower
'cause you're gonna
cut them.

Doesn't matter.
Fuck it.

l want you to think
about two words.

Championship.

You're gonna fuck
every team out there.

Hey! Name
and position, son.

Uh, Mitch DePrima,
quarterback.

WeII, I'm gonna be
the judge of that.
DePrima.

It's more Iike premie, huh?
Like your mother crapped out
a IittIe premie baby.

Let him crawI out.
You vomit on my fieId?

My freshIy painted
pIastic fieId?

Fuck you!
Back to me.

I'm from the South.
Went from foster famiIy
to orphanage.

l was abused sexually
and otherwise.

I am a product
of pain and suffering.

And l'm very happy
to pass the savings
on to you.

And you'II be
better men for it
'cause Iook at me now.

I ain't afraid
of nothing.

Coach.

[shouts]
Goddammit.

Don't sneak up
on me Iike that.
You spooked me.

Spooked?

No. You--you're
spooking me. I wouIdn't
caII you a spook to your face.

[stutters]

Twenty Iaps.
Make it thirty.

That's a dirty 30.

Look, I don't wanna
tell you how to run your
business here

and I don't wanna step
on any toes, but I wouId
be remiss in my duties

if I did not inform you
that President WhistIer

Oh, no,
I'm--I'm not good
at pubIic speaking.

ChanneI 57, that's
the IocaI cabIe channeI

that's piped into the
hospitaIs and stuff.
We got this.

Yeah, we got this.

I mean, it's
Iimited press,

but apparentIy we need
aII the exposure that
we can get,

which is the onIy reason
that you are here.

Now, if you couId just
remember that we are
a IiberaI arts coIIege

and Iimit your usage
of the "F" word.

Son, footbaII
is an "F" word.

No, I understand
you--you want me
to censorship myseIf.

AII right,
you IittIe maggots.

If you don't pick up
the fucking [beep] pace,

I'm gonna rip off
your IittIe peckers

and shove them up
your mother's hot pockets,
you IittIe fuck fucks.

[screaching]
Fuck!

AII right, Iook,
I'm just trying
to heIp.

The Ianguage, whatever.
But a starter gun, reaIIy.

Oh, this?
This is--this is just
rubber buIIets, right?

For crowd controI.

[shoots]

They're hard
rubber buIIets
but Iisten,

these boys ain't
made out of crows.

Look, I appreciate
you being the--
what is it?

AthIetic director.

Yeah, but if I'm gonna need
your athIetic direction,

I won't, 'cause
you see this?

It says head coach.

No, it just
says coach.

If we have to speciaI order
anything, it costs us
more money.

For exampIe, Bob's
quadrupIe X shirt.

I'm not doing this
for my heaIth. Run!

We are on a
shoe string
budget here.

Yeah, I know
about your shoe
string budget.

I couId wipe my ass this
morning with a napkin I
puIIed out of a diner.

It wasn't exactIy
infused with aIoe.

My ass is.

This ass is pink.
I don't know what
coIor your ass is.

[door closes]

Hey.

I don't pay you
1 0 bucks an hour to
drink 20 bucks an hour.

Sorry, it was just
a rough first day.

The new coach
is a nightmare.

Pretty much
hates me aIready.

Shocker. You're
not that IikabIe.

That's horribIe.
You Iike me, right?

You're a decent kid,
but Iike most coIIege
kids, you're Iazy,

you're spoiIed,
aIcohoIics.

Come on, have I ever
not shown up to work?

Anybody can show up,
but look at this display.

How many times
have I asked you
to organize this?

You gotta start
taking pride in
what you do.

Otherwise you're gonna wake up
in 20 years and reaIize you got
nothing to show for yourseIf.

Is that what
happened to you?

[Iaughs]

Bitch, I own a business.
I make six figures
a year.

You have to work
your ass off to end
up Iike me.

I got a 401 k account.
I got an I RA account.

l put money into
the Forex Autopilot.

Do you even know
what support save is?

I don't either, but
these are cash machines.

I got a time share
in Turks & Caicos.

Out back l got a garage,
is it a garage? No.

One-bedroom apartment
with a jerry-rigged bathroom.
I rent it out.

At home, do I've kids?
Do l have an ex-wife
sucking money out of me?

Zero. I got
a goIdfish

and I got a hamster
named Mr. Bunny.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, if you don't wanna
play, don't play.

You don't wanna
work here, quit.

But don't
haIf-ass it.

Life's not gonna just
fIy in and hand you
a goIden ticket.

This worId
is run by greedy,
seIf-serving morons.

HeIIo and good evening.

Thank aII of you
for coming out tonight.

My name is
Georgia Anne WhistIer.

[whistIes]
And I am the
proud president

here at
PuIIham University.

Many great minds
passed through
these here waIIs.

JuIia StiIes,
as a for instance.

She managed to come here
for sometimes a semester
or given.

This is aIso
the proud home

of the BIuecocks!

(guy)
Losers.

WeII, that's a point
weII taken and we'II
fiIe that

under, what? Okay.

WeII, if anything,
this is the point
where we aII sit there

and get reaIIy excited
about introducing our
new coach, Rick Vice.

[rock music]

[squeaking]

Okay. We'II go ahead
and fieId some questions.

Denny Dawson.

Coach Vice,
Denny "D-Dog" Dawson,

co-anchor investigator
Channel 57 news.

You know, I'm Iooking
at your history here.
You got attempted murder--

Thank you very much
for bringing up my
very coIorfuI past.

You're a journaIist?
I thought you were
a weatherman.

Fifteen years ago
I did a stint as
a weatherman, yes.

(Whistler)
That was good
weather that year.

You wore a suit with IittIe
Iightning boIts on it.

How do you have
the authority to
ask me anything?

The fact of the matter is,
you've never had a winning
season, have you?

You have
a sketchy past.
You are a vioIent man.

No, I am not!

Oh, I got it.

Yes, I have done some
funny things in my past,
but l've done my time.

You see,
I'm-I'm a good man,

and I pIan
on taking this
team to the top.

We're gonna keep
this program alive,

and we are
going to ge--

get some.

Get some?

Go every time

so others,

mm, so go every time
so others may

every time.

Get some!

(man)
Fuck you!

I'm sorry,
who said that?

I did.

Everyone shut
your asshoIes.
I got this one.

I got this one.
Sit down.

You think you
can take me?

No. I know I can.

[chuckIes]

Then why don't you step
up into the gauntIet,
bitchnuts?

I couId use something
to wipe my ass.

(guy whispers)
Don't do it.

You know, this man here
and I , we have somethin'
in common.

Oh, yeah?
What was that?

We were both inside
your mother.

[grunts]

Oh, did you see that?
He threw the first--

[piano sounds]

Done yet Liberace?

[groans]

Don't get up, Bobby.
l got this one.

Better give up,
oId man.

Oh, that's funny.
You know who eIse
said that to me?

Yeah, who?

Your mother!

[rock music]

Like a dangerous
rubber band, isn't he?

(Rick)
Were you not
entertained?

This is exactIy the kind
of thing that is gonna
get us some pubIicity.

We got the crazy
coach, right?

Then of course
there's the young

suItry femaIe president
of the university. It
gives me chiIIs.

How was this guy
staging a fight at
a press conference

gonna benefit
the footbaII program?

You raise eyebrows,
you raise admissions.

I'm thinking of getting
a tattoo right there on
the smaII of my back.

Do you know that this
guy attempted to murder an
entire Pee Wee football team?

He has no
business coaching.

[blowing whistle]

You hold out of here.
Keep your hand down.

On top of your head
is the hardest part
of your body!

Thanks, coach.

Dude, that's gonna
break your neck.

No, l'm gonna
break your neck.

Dammit, my Ieg!

Come on now,
no sex on the
fieId, girIs.

Ten.

Yeah, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice passes.

You can't just be
a penis with an arm.
You gotta move fast.

We're gonna be running
the options, so you gotta
be quick on your feet.

Look at me. I got a
gimpy Ieg and I'm
moving faster than you.

Like a hive of Mexicans
swarming around a work truck
in front of a Home Depot.

You want drywaII?
You want me
to paint?

Hut.

Fuck! You bent
my shades. Bitch!

Let me tell you somethin'. l
don't play favorites. l don't
care what color you are,

what country
your parents
swam out of.

I don't care
what AIi Baba
you go down on.

l don't care if
you like slits
or dicks!

Because the best
pIayer, pIays.
Period.

No, strike that.
ExcIamation point.

Run it again.

Guys, our
tabIe's ready.
Come when you're ready.

Excuse me,
excuse me.
Coming through.

Thank you,
thank you.

Hey.

What's going on?

I think
I sprained
my ankIe.

Man, I never thought
a team wouId be this beat
up before the season starts.

You find anything
down there you Iet
me know, okay?

I didn't see anything.

Right, thanks.

I'm, uh,
I'm Mitch.

Jennifer.

That hurts.

You're a transfer or?

No, I'm not a student.
I just work here.

I'm hoping to get
into the Med program--

College football, baby.
Shock the nation.

Shock the nation?
Nobody knows
who we are.

What's his story?

Joe Jansen?
Captain six,
seven years.

Gets hit in the head
a Iot. Great guy.

Hey. You got
any Vicodin?

No, I don't
have Vicodin.

Percocet.

Percodan?

Xanax?
Oxycotin?

No. You know what?
I have some MidoI
on my purse.

Give it to me.

That's pussy piIIs.
My sister takes that
when she's on the rag.

Dude, my head's
on the rag.
Give me six.

Here are two.

Give me one.

That's cute.
You guys are
on the same cycIe?

Ow.

Whoa, whoa.
Take it easy
on bitch.

I mean Mitch.
You're gonna need that
arm for the scout team.

Oh!

I'm gIad you're
here, brother.

I don't want to spend
my Iast season dependent
on cry heart over here.

Just out of curiosity,
how many Iast seasons
have you had?

LegaIIy I can
pIay eight.

I don't beIieve
we've met.

I'm TyIer Keys.
Starting quarterback.

You need something?

Your number?

But you can give
that to me Iater.

l'll see you
out on the field
or off the field.

'Cause you
don't pIay.

Oh, I got that.

Shock the nation.

Nation?

Nation.

That is the reason
I wiII never date
a footbaII pIayer.

Good for me.
I don't pIay.

Right. Sorry.

Don't be. Division I I I ,
it's Iike one step up
from Nerf.

So, honestIy,
if you don't care,
why do you do it?

Why put yourseIf
through this? You some kind
of masochist or something?

Like how?

Oh, you're in big
troubIe now.

[Iaughing]

[blowing whistle]

Here it comes.

Got one.
We're kebab now.

WeIcome to the faII.

You IittIe maggots.
Come on.

Run, you IittIe
corn bat. Run.

I got you.

Get some.
Get some.

[Iaughing]

Who's next?

I'm fixing to make me
a faggot shish kebab.

You IittIe quarterback.

After the mohawk kid.

I didn't say stop.

Coach. You are breaking
NCAA regulations.

These boys shouId've been
hydrated and off this
fieId hours ago.

You got a probIem,
write me a Ietter.

So I have something
to wipe my ass with.

Coach Vice don't care
much about hydration.
I'II teII you why.

When he was a boy
back at the orphanage,

the nuns accidentally
seaIed him inside
a wall cavity,

crawI space
type situation,

during renovation.
To survive, he drank
his own piss

for a week-and-a-haIf.
He's trying to get me
to work that

into the whoIe
nutritional program,

which I have
mixed feeIings about.

You and I both know
that l can't report
this to the board

'cause they will just
shut this program down.

But if I cannot rein that
psychopath in, these
boys wiII impIode.

And for the record,
my boys wiII not be
drinking their own piss.

I don't care
what you two do.

I did say I had
mixed feeIings
about it.

How is Roy Goodwyn
not coaching?

You know he was
AII American?

I don't know
but my body's pissed.

What the heII
is he doing here?

Keep your head
on a swiveI, boy.
Got ya!

Hey. Why don't you
hang back, preemie?
I want to taIk at you.

Okay.

What's wrong
with them?

Does my tan Iine
make them uncomfortabIe?

It's what's
between the Iines.

You ever hear the Iate
great coach Boo VenaIs?

No.

He'd shower with us.

He used to say,
"It's my soap,
it's my meat.

I wash it as
fast as I want."

Get it? It's a
masturbation joke.

It's funny.

Poor VenaIs.
I'm going with TyIer.

Starting quarterback.

Yeah, I figured.

You okay with that?

Do you care?

No. But I'II teII you what.
You're number two, so you'd
better be ready.

'Cause I'm gonna be
watching you reaI
cIose Iike.

You're gonna be
Iike a hobo on
a freight train.

I'm gonna ride you
day and night.

WouIdn't that
make you the hobo?

What do you mean?

Hobos ride trains.

Yeah, okay,
but no, no.

I'm the freight train
and you're the hobo.
That's how I see it.

I couId be the tracks.

Why don't you Ieave
the imagery to me?

Whipping out your
EmiIy Dickinson here.

We're done.

Good practice out
there, boys. Way
to go beyond the pain.

[snorting]

Ah, shit.

Hang on.

[snorting]

Chihuahua.

How can I heIp you?

You're fired.

This is 1 00% pure
whey protein.
You understand?

HighIy absorbabIe
through the nasaI
cavities.

I burned out
the Iining in
my Iarge intestines.

So, this is protein?

That's right, sir.
20 grams, 3 1 /2
times a day.

What can l do you for,
Mr. Man Who Comes ln
Without Knocking?

I'm not sure
if you're aware, but

over half of our team
is either on reserve
or they've quit.

And we haven't even
pIayed one game, yet.

It's caIIed trimming
the fat, Roy,

cIearing the riffraff.
Ironman styIe footbaII.
Ain't that right, Bobby?

Shit, yeah.

Did you get me
extra napkins
there, boy?

Sure did.

Good man.
Thank you.

Give me a high
five there. Ow!

Look, BIuecocks
have been around
since 1 875.

Ooh, I Iove
the '70s.

Smoking grass,
beII bottoms,
daisy chain

1 875.

Look, we may not be
as high profile as
the Division I teams,

but we pIay
the same game.

Only these boys aren't
here on scholarships

or trying to get
in the NFL or on TV.

They're here for the love
of the game, so please

just remember that.

(Rick)
All right, ladies,
let's bring it in.

Meet me down
in the southeast corner.

Come on.

Righty.

Now, l probably don't need
to be telling you this,
but football

is like a good
old fashion pot
of American gumbo.

All kinds of spicy
ingredients mixed
together

aII in the name
of fIavor.

You know what
I'm tasting, Bobby?

Okra?

No. No,
I taste victory.

And I Iook around
and l think we got
a spicy team.

BIacks and whites.

BIacks and Mexicans.

Oh, heII, there's
a Iot of bIacks.

We even got
a 9/1 1 IsIam.

Now, son, I ain't
holding it against you

but what you did
to our country
was fucked up.

I'm French-Irish.

Zip it,
cameI fucker.

Fuck you.

I don't usuaIIy
do this, but

Bobby, can you-can you Iead us
in a non-denominationaI prayer?

Everybody bow
your head.

I ain't much for one
speeching on the Lord,
but...I wiII say this.

[shouts]
Jesus Ioves footbaII.

He had a whole team himself.
The disciples played football
against them Roman soldiers.

And they did.
But I'II teII you
somethin' eIse.

There's been a whoIe heII
of a lot of talk about
this here

Darwinism,

"eviIution" I caII it.

I don't know
about you, but
my Jesus,

he didn't sIay
those PhiIistines

with the jawbone
of a brontosaurus
rex.

And Moses,

when he crossed
that Dead Sea,

he didn't do it
on the wings of
a pterodactyI.

lt was the Holy Land.
It weren't Jurassic Park.
This is buIIshit.

Bobby, okay.
Now, thank you.

Amen, amen,
everybody. Amen.

Let's bring it in.

I'II drop some
wisdom on you.

Now, Iisten up.

There's a Iot of peopIe
out there in the stands.

So, I'm gonna
need you aII to keep
your heads together.

We're gonna
remain caIm.

We're gonna
remain cooI.

And we're gonna
remain coIIected.

Run, kick.
Hit somebody.

Are you
tackIing me?

I don't have
a footbaII in
my hand.

Are you
tackling me?

AsshoIe!
l'll tackle you!

Strike it down.

PuII your fan
and quit.

I've not been down
to the fieId before.

I didn't reaIize
there was no dome.

You had
any raisins?

Raisins?

How about a date?

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey,
excuse me, little lady.

Quit staring at her
ta-tas and Iock it in.

I'm not going back in
for eight seconds
of garbage time

after this shit show.

TeII Mitch
to take a knee.

Mitch, strap it on.

Yeah, Mitch,
strap it on.
It's your big moment.

You get the fuck
outta here permanentIy.

Your mom's permanentIy.

What?

Fuck this.

Whoo-hoo.
Go Cocks!

Can you put me
down, pIease?

Here's what you're
gonna call. Explode
the open left.

Lester 58.
Laser-breaker.
Veer-option right.

Don't shit the bed.

Hey, guys.

Uh, okay, give me
a trip right,
fIip C-razor.

Uh, breaker.
22C options.

What's he saying?

Give me a post.

What the fuck are
you doing out there,
a IittIe sewing circIe?

Ready?

[blowing whistle]

Seventy-seven.

Give me some
room bitches.
Okay?

Don't wanna hurt, baby.

Ninety.

What the fuck
is he running?

[people cheering]

[cheering]

That's a point.

Piss the can, niggers.

You guys see
that pass?

We just Iost,
dumbass.

You guys
saw it, right?

Yes.

So?

Yeah, I guess
everybody saw
your pass.

You saw my pass?

Sweet pass.

It was a nice pass.
It was right in--

You!

I caIIed
a run pIay.

ExpIode to the open Ieft.
Switch C-short. Lester--

Chester.

No, I wrote--

[indistinct arguing]

It's not
three fIies up,
you dumb idiot.

Now, do you
understand
the pIay

and you're just being
an insubordinate prick?

Or do you not understand
the pIay 'cause you're
a fucking retard?

Uh--

[mumbIes]

You can't talk now?
You-you're mute?

You're a IittIe,
IittIe mute girI.

We got that oId IittIe
bIind, deaf, mute girI.

OId YeIIer.
What's her name?

KeIIy YeIIer.

OId HeIen YeIIer.

[Iaughing]

Don't you guys
mean HeIen KeIIer?

No! We mean
oId HeIen YeIIer.

I'm pretty sure it's--

Dude, puII the
fucking trigger.
PuII it.

Pull the trigger, boy.
Pull the fucking trigger.
Give me one reason.

I want in, I want out.
I want out permanentIy.
Give it to me.

Get some.
Do it. Get some.

I knew you
didn't have
the nuts.

You think you are
the big swinging
dick around here?

You got Iucky.
Lucky!

Go soak in.
Go, have your fun.

This is back
to the bench
for you, boy.

Hey.

I didn't say
it was a bad pass.

Put the knife
away, Bobby.

You did good, coach.

ReaI good.

[blowing whistle]

What the heII is that?

(Rick on megaphone)
Wake up now,
motherfuckers.

The past go
beyond the pain.

Wake up now.

The pain and
then go beyond.

Not worth it.

Dude, you are
such a IittIe bitch.

You have no idea
how Iucky you are.

Dude, come
to one practice
and teII me that.

This is Division I I I .
He's treating it Iike
D-1 Navy SeaIs.

The guy
is a psycho.

l think he might be
clinically insane,
like clinically.

Do you reaIIy have
a probIem with him
making you exercise?

l'm five-foot nothing.

My coach just
turned me into a fIier.
Do you know what that is?

That's the little girl
that gets thrown around
like a rag doll.

I'm trying to sIeep.

The next time
you're in practice,
Iook over to the sideIine

and you'II catch me fIying
around in the air with my
skirt up and my pussy hanging.

l don't get it.
l would trade my pom-poms
for your helmet any day.

Remember in high schooI?

You were
the starting
quarterback.

Captain of the team.
Loving the game.

Loving the life.
Where is that guy?

I miss him.
He was fun.

You know what
l remember?

Practice,
lunch meetings,

the taste of mud.
And as much as
I wanted it,

never having that
Iast minute drive
to win the game.

That guy's gone, man.
He burned out.

You can't transfer
schooIs in the middIe
of the semester.

Spence had
them back-date
my registration.

Quarterback tore his ACL,
so Iooks Iike my Iast season
is gonna suck Iess than yours.

Say bye to Vice for me.

Why don't you say
bye to Vice yourseIf?

Bye.

Check this out.

Hey, l know you
from somewhere.

Gorden Spence,
head coach of
the Cougars.

RivaIs.

RivaIry usuaIIy means
there's competition.

Cougars have been eating
Cocks for breakfast since
the earIy '90s.

And with this
cartoon coach,

you shouId consider it
a win if you score two
points against us.

Pipe down.

Ain't you out
of your jurisdiction?

I've done my homework
on this guy.

He's the worst
kind of coach.

A controI freak
with no cIue.

Takes the first
team pocket passer

and runs
the option with him.

He's gonna drive
this program into
the ground.

Listen out,
mister-mister
funny maroon shirt--

How many Iosses
have you got?

'Cause I got one
coIIege Ioss on
my record.

It's 'cause you never
coached a coIIege,
idiot.

Okay.

You IittIe

shrunk nutted
maggoty fuck stick.

AII right,
don't make
a scene.

Oh. Haven't you
heard the news?

Scene Maker is
my middIe name.

I thought
it was NeIson.

Shut the fuck up.

And you know what I think
we need up in this bitch
right about now?

A good oId-fashioned

food fight!

Food fight.

food fight?

Food fight.
What, y'aII never
fought food before?

Bobby, Iet's get
the fuck out of here.

CongratuIations.
Looks Iike you'II be
throwing me the baII again.

[knocking on door]

(Mitch)
Coach?

Hang on.

Eighteen,
nineteen,
twenty.

Twenty-one. Jackpot!

What's going on?

Were you sIeeping?

No, I was working out.

You just got
something here.

Oh. Yeah, that's-that's
my cape. I wear a cape
when I work out.

I do what's caIIed
superhero push-ups.

Look, I just wanted
to apoIogize about
Saturday.

I don't need
your apoIogy.

I have some
ideas about--

I don't certainIy
don't need your ideas.

I've been meaning
to taIk to you.
You know how on every team

there's a pIayer or two
that has naturaI
abiIity?

Yeah, yeah.

That ain't you.

You're gonna have
to work extra hard

just to be
beIow mediocre.

I did throw
a touchdown.

Yeah, against
a scrub defense,

and you were stiII
a dick hair away
from getting picked.

More than not, that kind
of gun sIinging buIIshit
is gonna cost turnovers.

And we need
someone steady.

Coach, I-I just
wanna pIay.

I'm trying to Iearn
a new system here.

It just doesn't heIp
when you're griIIing
me aII the time.

If I didn't give a shit,
I wouIdn't waste my breath
griIIing you.

It's when I get quiet
that you shouId start
to worry.

I'm the best
quarterback you got.

That's shit.
Here's what you are.

You're a bobbIehead
quarterback.

Look at me.

I'm a quarterback
and I don't wanna
do any of the work.

And that, my friend, is
how you get repIaced
by a Mexican.

So you're going
with Hernandez.

Yeah.

So Iooks Iike
it's gonna be
taco Tuesdays

every day.

I ain't here
to win friends.

I'm here
to win games.

Get to your
sewing class.

[shouting]

[blowing whistle]

Ah!

Get it.

Set. Hut.

Son of a bitch!
What was the coverage
on that Iast pIay?

[Iaughs]

Your attitude
sucked, boy.

You better
get it together.

You son of a bitch.

Beavers.

Get over here.

Come here.

That is exactIy what
this program needs.

Get it, get it, get it.

Ooh, beyond the pain.

Son of a bitch.

[grunts]

CIipboard.

We're out.

Get some.

I wouId not wanna be
you right now, I'II
teII you that.

AII right.

We are O and four.

I ain't no
math magician.

But that does not Iook
Iike a winning equation.

It Iooks Iike a Iosing
equation, and that's you,
the Ioser.

Your zero
equaIs you.

There you are.

Oh, there's
your heImet.

Skinny IittIe
[indistinct]

You're hoIding a
box of girI scout
cookies there.

All minted chocolaty,
faggoty wafer.

You're just walking around.
Those are supposed to be
your feet, not your nuts.

'Cause you
ain't got nuts!

'Cause l look out
on that field

and I don't know
if l'm watching
a ball game

or a goddamn
baIIet recitaI,

pirouetting around
like goddamn fairies.

Ah, what the heII.
Y'aII are gonna be up
to your poop shoots

in blood and guts
soon enough anyways.

I don't know
why the fuck I came.

But if you want
to maintain any
sort of dignity,

you're gonna have to pull
your motherfucking heads

out of your mother's
motherfucking cunts.

And

get

some. AII right?
And remember what
that stands for.

Go, uh,

ShouId be support
our troops.

Meet, Iike a track meet,
not the kinda meat y'aII
are sucking on.

Yeah, "emmidiateIy."

Oh, is that
funny to you?

You know, that's it.
I don't have
any more time for y'all.

Oh, there's
one more thing.

(Bobby)
All right, that's
about it for tonight.

Let's go hit
them showers.

Are you pIaying, son?

Shock the nation.

Hey, what
are you up to?

Uh, just working
on my six pack.

I'm trying to beef up
so that the Cougar takes
me off of fIying duties.

Hey, if I fIex,
wiII I Iook
more cut?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It Iooks nice.

Who are you
taIking to?

Oh, my trainer.

Wanna watch a Saints game?
Take a shot every time
they mention Katrina?

Oh, no. Last time
I did that, I
bIacked out.

Oh, sweet.

I'II caII you back.

AII right. Later.

What's up?

What are you doing?

We're gonna get
something to eat.

We--you and
those guys?

Hey, two girIs.
It's two girIs
together.

Yeah. We're
on the same team.

I don't expect you
to understand that.

What's that
supposed to mean?

I've seen you
on a sideIine.

We have a bad pIay,
you're pissed.

We have a good play
and you're pissed.

What side
are you on?

What si-I'm on
the sideIine.
I'm not doing--

Stop complaining!
l'm not catching
any passes.

BIocking is not gonna
get me to the next IeveI.

You don't see me
on a sideIine
going aII TO.

I'm not going TO.
I'm not signing babies--

You're whining more
than Mike Vick's puppies.

I'm not whining-

[whining]

I don't wanna be the one
to tell you that you only
think about yourself.

I'm not even gonna teII you
that you're acting Iike
a bitch right now

'cause I don't
even cuss .

You just did.

Boo VenaIs, pIease.

Booby, it's Rick.

Who?

Rick Vice.
Coach Vice.

Oh, you're
coaching again?

Yeah. Listen,
uh, about that,
I need--

I need a IittIe
mentoring.

Mentor? Shit, I couIdn't
mentor you. You stop
pissing the bed, boy.

Oh, are we gonna--

Oh, this is coming
from a man that's got
a "coIostopy" tube

shoved up
his Jimmy Wang?

Sir? Can l please
have my phone
back now?

Can you give me
a minute, young Iady?

Listen, if I don't turn
this program around--

I'm doing everything,
you know, that you did with
us and it ain't working.

You--you cut
off the water?

Yeah, I don't
give them a drop.

What about
bait and switch?

Yeah.

Physical abuse?

Some coaches got it,
and others don't.

You're aII about the reins,
about the horse.

You can pull
but the horse gotta
waIk on its own.

I don't understand.
Am I the horse or
am I the reins?

Son, you're the jackass
and you're gonna burn
that program to the ground.

Good evening.
I'm standing outside
of what used to be

the University
of PuIIham's
equipment room

with newIy appointed
Head Coach, Rick Vice.

I am the Head Coach.

Yes. And President
Georgia Anne WhistIer.
Coach, what happened here?

There was a fire.

Yes, and how
did the fire start, sir?

(Rick)
Bobby?

Must've been
our rivaIs.

The Cougars?
What was in the
equipment room, sir?

Equipment.

Yes. And how do you--
So, a Iot of equipment.

SmaII animaIs.
They found bones
of baby animaIs.

You kept baby animals
in the equipment room?

That was a mascot.
Blue cock. Very
rare bird.

The question remains.
How are you gonna fuIfiII
the rest of the season

with no equipment?

Coach Vice, whatever
you need, you have
my full support.

So Pullham will
replace the equipment?

AbsoIuteIy. I've got
the equipment to prove it.

Good evening.
I'm Denny Dawson.

You're starting again?

No.

You said
good evening.

Let's start again.
That's my job.

They're kiIIing
our babies.

I know that.
Can you guys--
I'm Denny Dawson.

Good night.
We're off now.

Seriously though,
we just can't afford
to replace that equipment.

What about insurance?

DeductibIes
and premiums
and the Iike.

But you said
anything we need
you wouId provide.

WeII, you know, you gotta
razzIe-dazzIe them.

[Iaughs]

Bobby.

How is the equipment coming?

We're talking about over
$30,000 worth of equipment
for just five more games?

We might as well
just call it quits
whiIe we're stiII behind.

-So that's it? We just
pack it up?
- What do you care?

You show up drunk
if you show up at all.

Your attitude
sucked, boy. You
better get it together.

Don't, haIf-ass.

We need
something steady!

You're gonna need that
arm for the scout team.

Oh, KeIIen YeIIer.

You have no idea
how lucky you are.

Dude, stop stealing
my laundry quarters.

Is it a good book?

Sure.

Have you read it?

No. Have this
back by Wednesday.

What?

Nothing.

Hey.

What are you
doing here?

What am I doing
in the Iibrary?

Or did you mean that
as an existentiaI question?

I don't--I don't know
what existentiaI means.

And yet you to get
to pIay student
and I don't.

Wow. You wanna
talk about it?

I don't wanna bore you
with my probIems.

lt's just l've been
playing for 1 2 years,
you know.

I was recruited
by a much bigger
schooI.

I was Ied to beIieve
if I came here,
I'd pIay.

Big fish,
small pond, huh?

Big fish stiII
gotta swim.

Besides, I didn't think
you cared this much
about playing

or anything reaIIy.

I guess pretending to not care
is easier than accepting that
you're not good enough.

FootbaII's what I'm
supposed to be good at.

I just don't want it
to end Iike this,
you know.

Yeah. Sounds Iike you
reaIIy have it rough.

Look, if it's not
working out for you,
you have to change it up.

Otherwise you're Iike
a fIy trying to get
out a window.

Insane?

Annoying.

Like you have to work
for the good stuff.

That's what
makes it good.

Even if it Iasts
for just a moment.

You know I was taIking
about footbaII, right?

Dance of Shiva.
Oh, there it is.
Good.

l am always three feet
from this door wherever
I am in the traiIer.

I toId you
you don't have
to knock so--

Wha--how can I
heIp you?

We need to taIk.

You know, it's not
so bad in there.

That's a 55
Airstream.
Vintage.

Thing's worth Iike
1 0 or 20 grand if
you buff it out.

No, it's not.

If you buff it out,
yeah, it is.

Anyways, it's just
a temporary living
situation

tiII I get back on my feet.
That's aII. You don't have
to worry about me.

You ever heard
of a coach named
Boo VenaIs?

He was the guy who put
a kid on a coma from
over exertion, right?

Yeah, he put a kid
in a coma, but he aIso
made that kid tough enough

to puII himseIf
out of that coma.

Where're you
going with this?

He raised me.
Him and CrystaI.

My fifth foster famiIy.

Boobs. I wouId see him
year after year take
a group of misfits,

and they wouId
band together in their
hatred against him.

Yeah, but peopIe
remember him as being
a terribIe coach and--

They remember him.
I wanna be remembered.

I don't know about you,
but I'd Iike to be
remembered.

It doesn't matter
how you are remembered.

I'm remembered.

Ricky. Ricky.
Did you pick up
the garbage?

No, you didn't.
This is not a
free ride!

Yeah, it's basicaIIy free.
I Iive in a traiIer, CrystaI,
but thank you.

And what about
your fat friend?

He ate up aII
of my ginger snaps.

And you know my ruIe
about bringing--Oh my.

You're a handsome
bIack feIIow, aren't you?

Do you take vitamins?
Maybe l should let you
try one of my...

herbaI suppIements
some day.

For the wieners.

I'm-I'm fine.

That'II be enough.
CrystaI, pIease, I'm in
the middIe of a meeting.

Oh, weII, I have
some business to do
with your friend.

I bet you have a big
bIack wiener, don't you?

Thank you.

I'm-I'm-you know,
she's not quite right.

Maybe we shouId do
this at another time.

Do what?
No, you wanna do this,
Iet's do it right now.

DePrima is famiIy
friends with an aIum

who can give us equipment
to finish the rest
of the season.

But I wiII be adding
myseIf to the coaching
staff.

I was an AII American.

I can heIp
the defense.

I knew you'd puII
that out of your
bIack pocket.

Uh, back pocket?

That, too.

AII right. Look,
Big John is a
PuIIham aIumni.

It's usefuI.

He's made a coupIe donations
to the athIetic department.
You okay?

I'm fine.

This is a whoIe
other deaI.

Damn smaII car.

[overIapped taIking]

Roy! Goddamn
good to see you.

This must be
the iIIustrious
Coach Vice.

We can wait tiII
you're off the phone.

I'm off the phone.
This thing just Iocks
up on me sometimes.

Oh, damn.
I'm Big John Schwartz.

How are you doing?

Schwartz the name
and "Shports" is
the game.

Oh, yeah, I get it
'cause you own a
"shports shtore."

"Shports." Yeah.
This is my wife,
Junebug.

She's taking care of some
business down there.
Just kidding.

You're staring
at my wife's tits?

No, sir.

Why not?
That's what I
got them for.

We clear?
Go ahead. Grab one.

Oh, no.

They're right here.
Come on. "ShpectacuIar."

Honey, go get these fellas
some of those snackadoodles.

Roy teIIs me
you're an aIumni.

Cock for Iife.
CIass of 1 984

back when conference
titIes and undefeated
seasons were the norm.

Right. We're
working on that.

Rick and I just
came here to check on
the equipment situation.

That situation is
dependent upon your
situation with my situation.

Oh, I'm sure
we can work with
your situation.

I wasn't aware that
you had a situation.
What's his situation?

My son being
on your team.

We couId use
a IittIe size.

AII right.
He's just Iike
his oId man.

Now, if he's out
of Iine, go ahead and
feeI free to kick his ass.

Go ahead
and grab one.

Food.

Oh, they're
stiII frozen.

Honey, you gotta
heat them up.

Oh, no,
they're precooked.

That's not what
that means.

Thank you for
your generosity.

Takes a coupIe
of minutes.

I'II caII you Iater.
Thanks again.

We Iook forward to that
equipment "shports" with
the shorts.

"Shports" is the game.

Bobby? Bobby,
get in the car.

[mixed voices]

(Rick)
High heels there, ladies.
Goddamn high heels.

If that foot goes
to sweIIing up, I want you
to put some ice on it.

[Iaughing]

What do we have here?

Son, this
is a footbaII
Iocker room

for footbaII pIayers.

I know, sir.
I'm on the team.

You're on the team?
Son, l shit bigger
than you.

I'm sure you do.

What the heII's
your name anyway?
Got no hobbits on my roster.

AIIen Schwartz.

AIIen Schwartz.
AIIen-AIIen Schwartz?
As in Schwartz Sports?

Son, it's good
to have you aboard.
Short peopIe are cooI.

I Iove short peopIe.
I Iove them to death.

Those IittIe midgets
in the circus are cooI.

And the wrestIers
and they're athIetes.

And Doug Flutie.
He was a IittIe oId
bitty popcorn farty.

He was a reaI good
footbaII pIayer.

AdoIf HitIer.
Lot of peopIe
don't know this.

He was a short dude.
Look at the accompIishments
he made. So, suit up there.

Short Sports.
AII right, my friend.

I don't care.
No, no time out.

CaII the time out.

Hernandez can do this.
He's a IittIe jumping bean.

He's been running
[indistinct]

Go!

Hut.

I got you.
I got you.

[cheering]

[blowing whistle]

Here he is.

Jansen.
LittIe Jansen.

Go.

You can get it back.
Get it back!

Guess the secret
ain't in the bean.

Fuck you, coach.

What?

Coach, coach, coach,
he's throwing the hitch.
Yeah, l know that signal.

Travis! Travis!

No. What the hell?

Hut.

[cheering]

Seventy-two.
One, seventy-two.

[cheering]

Hut.

[cheering]

You shut up.

[cheering]

Good game.

Run, Forrest! Run!

[groans]

[cheering]

[players cheering]

Shock the nation.
Shock the nation!

I toId you Goodwyn
knows his shit.

[aII cheer]

Everybody, I can't pass.

[Iaughter]

Get some. Grab
everyone's titties.

[laughter]

That was a
heII of a game.

Yeah.

We won.

Roy won.

We won.

No, Iisten.
They're aII
praising him

Iike he's that gigaboo Jesus,
and I'm the one that
toughened them up.

[stammers]

It's not fair.
It's just not fair.
I don't wanna taIk about it.

The defense's
been winning for us.

But if this
is about ego.

It's not about ego.
It's about the fact
that I did it.

I'm the head coach.

I just feeI
under appreciated,
that's aII.

That's aII.
I-I'm fine.

You ain't doing
nothing different.
It's the same oId story.

You push peopIe away
before you get to know
if they Iike you or not.

That's what oId
Sigmund Freud caIIed
a defensive mechanism.

And for you,
the best offense

is a good
defensive mechanism.

Freud.

Are you saying
because I'm offensive?

I don't get it.

But I've heard
of Sigmund Freud.

Because he's the one
that fucked his mother.

That's how
I know about him.

You're gonna be fine.
The doctor says it's
not a disease.

It's just a syndrome.

AI DS is a syndrome,
you fucking dumbass.
The "S" stands for it.

[loud music]

(aII)
Go, go, go, go.

[aII cheering]

What the fuck?

Hey.

I'm Mitch.
I Iike your mouth.

[cheering]

[shouting and Iaughing]

Hey. Douche.

Hey. What's going on?

I didn't think I'd
see you around here.

Oh, yeah, I'm babysitting
a friend of the famiIy.

She's a prospective student,
so I thought I'd try to
show her a good time.

Oh. Thanks.

Um, Mitch,
this is CarI.

Hey.

I'm sorry,
do you mind if I taIk
to her for a second?

No.

Why don't you
ask the Iady?

It's a nice watch.

Maybe when you grow up,
you can have one.

You know what, CarI?
It's okay. We're just
gonna taIk.

So, your sport coat?

Excuse me?

I just thought
we had something,
you know.

Uh, yeah, apparentIy.
We're friends.

So, you're just
waIking around
with CarI.

No, I don't give
a shit about CarI.

Oh, sorry,
I just mean,
you know,

I'm not Iooking
for a boyfriend or
anything Iike that.

Hey, I'm not, either.

Get it?

[Iaughs]
That's good.

Look, we just
work together.
Who is your friend?

We-she's, uh,
we work together, too.

ReaIIy, where?

What's her name?

Uh, Sarah.

Jessica.

Parker!

It's, uh--

Look, it's a frat party.
PeopIe make out at
frat parties.

What do you care about
student affairs anyway?
You're not a student.

Oh, right, 'cause
I don't have a
hundred grand

to spend on my
coIIege education,
right?

I hope that's
okay with you.

I didn't mean--
Oh, Je--AIan.

Alan?

[hip-hop music]

Dude!

Dude, I'm so wasted.

Wait, Stacey!

I'm sorry,
he's a Iightweight.

Did someone teII him
that she's only 1 6?

I don't think he
needs encouragement.
Look, l'm sorry about--

There's your mouth.

That's the worst
timing ever.

Can we get
out of here?

What about Stacey?

I think she can take
care of herseIf. Sorry
to crash your party.

I have a Range Rover.

Don't Ieave
with sport coat.

Isn't that TyIer?

Hey!

Ooh.

Hey.

What's your
probIem, man?

You hear something
sounding like a mosquito
shitting himself?

Rivalry things
are so stupid.
What are you doing?

Take a seat, Mitch.
It's what you're
best at.

We don't want
any troubIe.

Hey. Why don't you
steroid fags get
outta here

before I stomp
your guts out?

[laughter]

What the fuck?

SettIe down, peanut.
He's on your side.

Whoa, whoa,
take it easy.

It's exactIy
what they want.

Funny. You act Iike
one of those "turn the
other cheek" queers,

but we aII
know you're just
chicken shit.

I can't wait to get you
out on that fieId and
fuck your ass.

Hey, Mitch, you know
why they're called
the Cougars?

Because the name
diIdo Ioving
pussy ass--

Hey, hey!
Pick on somebody
your own size, huh?

Like you?

No. Like me.

Excuse me.

Stand down,
oId man.

[cIears throat]

I'II teII you
what, sonny.

Why don't you go ahead
and try and kick
this old man's ass?

Jesus, Vice,
I'm gonna fuck
you up.

PuII the trigger.

You heard me.
PuII the trigger.

PuII the trigger.

Pull the fucking trigger.
Pull it. Pull the trigger.

PuII the trigger,
moron. Go ahead.

I have two-and-a-haIf
strikes against me.

Somebody pull
the fucking trigger.

[Vice screeches]

[all shouting]

Get some.

HoId on a minute.

You wouIdn't hurt
an oId man with a
gimpy Ieg, wouId you?

[loud music]

AII right,
party's over.

I'm gonna use this.

AII right,
you motherfuckers,
if you don't stop,

I wiII bIow your
fucking brains out,

you rich, sociaIist
commie IiberaIs.

[aII shouting]

Get the fuck outta here.

Uh, I got into a bit
of a scuffIe Iast night,

so if you couId focus
your heaIing energies

right on my
gIutinous ass
I wouId--

[cIears throat]

Oh. HeIIo, Roy.

How Iong have you
been sitting there
eye-fucking me?

Why do you aIways
do this to yourseIf?

Do what?
Get a massage?

No.

Oh, you're taIking
about Iast night.

Last night?
I'm taIking about
your whoIe Iife.

Do you think
I fuck up on purpose?

Do you think I wake up
every morning and say,

hey, how can I
fuck up today?

I don't think
you understand me.
I care about footbaII.

And I care
about these kids.

Oh, Iike that Pee Wee
team you aImost kiIIed.

Hang on a minute.
I did not try to
kiII those kids.

That was a misunderstanding.
I thought GH B was a
recovery drink.

Like amino acids
for your healthiness.

Hey, you guys. Come.

[bIows whistIe]

Right. There you go.
Grab a cup everybody.

Drink yourseIf.
Hydration.

Pee Wee, what--
Come on, get up.

What's going on here,
you bunch of Iazy sons
of a--Get up.

HoIy Jesus,
come on.

Joey. Joey.
[bIows whistIe]

Joey, pIease,
get up for me.

PIease!

That was years ago.

Just keep on
meditating.

And none of those
kids died.

It was an honest
man's mistake, and
as much as it haunts me,

that incident
is gonna work
to my advantage

'cause now I'm
the crazy nutso.
Get it?

Georgia Anne hired me
because I'm a spectacIe.

I'm a head turner.
WeII, if it's a song and
dance they're Iooking for,

then it's a song
and dance that
they're gonna get.

ObviousIy you don't care
about your career, but I
do care about mine.

So, for this
Iast game,

ChanneI 57 is coming
and there's gonna be
a Iot of pubIicity.

If you couId just
contain yourseIf.

Yes, I wiII do my best
to-to be on my best behavior.
Nice taIking to you, Roy.

This is not his personaI
brotheI. WouId you pIease
put on some cIothing?

Preemie.

Preemie!

Lost the chain.

Nice shiner.

Thanks.

I mean,
shut the fuck up.

By the way, you mean
to hit me in that fight?

No. No, I just
couIdn't see you.

AII right.

[cIears throat]
I've been watching the
game fiIm on the Cougars.

Their secondary's
got more hoIes

than an orgy fuII of
buIIdogs, if you know
what I mean.

Okay.

Do you know
what I mean?

Yeah, Iike Iesbians.

No.

I get the anaIogy.

No, you don't.

I need you
to prick it up.

Prick it up?

Prick up the pace
'cause Hernandez is
out and you're in.

Why?

I wanna put
the baII in the air.

Can you put
the baII in the air?

Don't taIk
back to me.

I'm not ta--
I'm agreeing with you.

You can put
the baII in the air.

Then you can
provide me with
a win.

'Cause I need
a fucking win, bitch!

Jennifer.
Jennifer!

WiII you taIk to me?

I'm Iate
for work.
What?

Look, I'm sorry
about what happened
at the party, okay?

You're sorry for acting
Iike a footbaII pIayer or
being an insensitive jerk?

Look, I Iike you, okay?

[Iaughs]
You got a weird
way of showing it.

Make out with some
other girI? ReaIIy
makes me feeI speciaI.

I didn't know
you wanted to feeI
speciaI from me.

I didn't--Look,
I didn't know you
were interested, okay?

I didn't think
I was good enough.

And now you
think you are?

No, I just know
if I do nothing,

that's exactIy
what'II happen.

What do you
wanna happen?

With you, anything.

Mitch, sometimes
you just have to
make a move.

And know when
to make a move.

Right.

Why don't you worry
about your game tonight?

And hey,
try to impress me.

[Iaughter]

Hey.

I want to say, uh,

I'm sorry for aIways
being a super douche
to you.

I wouIdn't say
you're a super douche.

A-anyway, uh,

since this couId be
my Iast season,

l just thought
it'd be really cool if--

How couId it not be
your Iast season?

I'm not doing too good
in BioIogy right now.

You're 38 years oId.

Damn, Iet's forget aII
of that shit, man.
I mean it's--

What I'm trying
to say, Mitch,
is, uh,

best bros
for Iife?

Yeah, I mean
we're friends.

Okay.

Who's Iooking forward
to some Division I I I
footbaII?

I know we are here
at ChanneI 57 and that's why
this is our game of the week.

I'm Chet Ryback.
That's my partner,
Terry Lockwood.

Nobody Iikes that move.
And it's the
seven and one Cougars

up against the
four and four
BIuecocks.

Now, the Cougars
are playing for
playoff berth,

and the Bluecocks are playing
for pride and to keep the
football program alive.

lsn't that always the way.
The drama of sport.

For those of you who
don't recognize
a name,

my partner Terry pIayed
a IittIe Division I-A
baII himseIf.

GuiIty as charged.

I guess he was,
uh, Arizona?

Arizona State.
WeII, you know, more
in the theater program,

but this is where
I beIong, here with
you, my good friend.

Our camera Ioves you,
aII of you. There's a
Iot of you to Iove.

[Iaughs]

No, it wasn't
a compIiment.

AII right, speaking
of foIks you Iove,

Denny Dawson is
down on the fieId.

Yes, Denny Dawson!
Moving on to greater
pastures. Bravo.

We don't say bravo.

That's right. Can't wait
to do that. I'm gonna miss
this IittIe town,

but I am onto bigger
and better things. You know,
Terry, it's unbeIievabIe.

You are cIearIy gay.
Denny Dawson.

Last night hot.

AII right,
words-of-wisdom time.
Let's huddIe up here.

Words of wisdom.
I'm not gonna try
to be no Jesus Cristos

and give you
some kind of sermon
on the hump top speech.

AII right?
But I wouId Iike
to be inspirationaI.

'Cause I wouId reaIIy
Iike to touch each and
everyone of y'aII.

Diggs,

Hernandez, Primo.

Sixty-seven.

AII y'aII.

But the bottom Iine
is, after tonight

you ain't
gonna pIay baII.

None of y'aII.
You ain't gonna
pIay footbaII.

Yeah, maybe you'll
have that occasionaI
Thanksgiving football game

with a bunch of
IittIe kids you're
trying to impress.

But even that, you're
gonna be too hung
over for,

because the night before
some he/she sIipped
you a roofie.

And had it's
way with you.

What are you saying?

Bottom Iine,
if you don't
go out there

tonight

and give it your aII--

1 00%.

Shut up, pIease.

And give it your aII,
you're gonna
regret it

for the rest
of your miserabIe
goddamn Iife!

[coughs]

AII right, you guys
just go out there,
Iet's have some fun.

Yeah.

Or just win.

Maybe just win
'cause that's about
the funnest thing I know.

[Iaughing]

PIay fast,
pIay Ioose.

WeII, no, Iet's go
out there and
pIay tight.

We wanna tighten it up.
We wanna be as tight

as a nun's ass pipe
on Christmas morning.

Just Ieave everything
out there on the fieId.

No, you bring it
out on the fieId
and you Ieave it here.

You Ieave it aII
out on the fieId.

No, you Ieave it here.
Leave your shit here,

and when you go
to the fieId, you
gotta bring it.

They Ieave it there.

Just bring it in.
Just bring it in.

One, two, three.

Get some!

Yes!

AII right,
Iet's go.

Head coach Rick Vice
and athIetic director
Roy Goodwyn

have really gotten this
program back on track.

A IittIe chocoIate
and vaniIIa.

I don't get
that reference.

I do know that
the quarterback
Mitch DePrima

is getting his first
start of the year.

AIways the hardest
thing to do. To be
the understudy aII year.

Back up.

It's time for kickoff,
so let's go down
to the field.

Come on. Yeah!

Cocks are coming!

WeIcome to
the big Ieagues, Ricky.

And we're underway.

Tyler, get in
and drop a bomb
on their moms.

[cheering]

Break it up.

HoIy fuckbaIIs.

lnstant replay.
You wouldn't know a penalty
from a miscarriage.

[bIowing whistIe]

[aII shouting]

Where is your mashed
potatoes now Ricky?

On that girI's face.

[cheering]

You suck, cocks.

What'd you say?

Why are you here?
I wiII eat that dog.

Why is your dog
in the stands?

Wow, where did
the time go?

That was a fast
first haIf.

Cougars up 21 -7
over the BIuecocks.
Not a great opening.

It's aII behind them
now because we're on to my
favorite part of the game.

The intermission, where
everybody is encouraged
to go up to the Iobby

and enjoy a beverage
with their friend.
Intermission.

HaIf time.
You pIayed
at ASU?

I did severaI pIays
at ASU . Why are you
making it about me?

It's your job
to know the game.

It's your job to know the
Ianguage of the game to impart
knowIedge to the viewers.

Just Iike it's a coach's
job to know the game

so he can impart
his wisdom to
his team.

What the fuck
are you guys
doing out there?

I cannot beIieve
you're out there
pIaying scared.

Are you gonna be a pussy
or you going to be men?

Pussy. People
who underachieve

aII the sorry
sucking years.

Men. Motivated
energized niggers.

I need a team
of Nobus.

If Roy is
going 9/1 1

Vice is gonna
go Hiroshima.

You peopIe are pIaying
in Division I I I .

And no one is
gonna remember
this goddamn game,

but you wiII
remember it.

Diggs, how do you
wanna remember you?
Pretty boy?

And Jansen,
we're the same age.

lf l played with them,
l'd wipe their asses up.

DePrima. Wow.
I thought you
wanted a chance.

What are you,
just all talk?
You have an arm.

Do you have
a heart?

Can you Iead
this team?

What are you going
to remember?

[aII gasp]

You got
anything for 'em?

WeII,
[cIears throat]

l guess l could tell you
that if you guys go
home tonight

incompIete,

if you waIk away
from this game

with any kind
of regret,

then you're probably
gonna wind up a lot

Iike me.

(aII)
Go, go, go, go.

Coach Vice really
lit a fire under
those BIuecocks.

He's inspired
that team.

Remember Men.
Motivated--

It's not as
good as get some.

They're shooting the gaps
and really stuffing those
Cougars' holes.

What did you say?
Did you hear what
you said?

One, ninety-seven.

[cheering]

[blowing whistle]

Touchdown!

[Iaughing]

Yes!

WeII, the Cocks
get the ball back

with just a minute and
eight seconds remaining.
No timeouts.

Okay, I make
the caIIs.

I'm the caII maker.
And everything I've
done to you this season,

has prepared you
for this moment.

Jousting the yard
marker up my ass?

And I know you have
not been drinking
your own urinations.

Despite that,
you see the caII?

I want you to caII
on the Iine.

I want you to be
the horse and I want
you to take the reins.

Be the horse and
take my own reins.

Yes. Oh, and
one more thing.

You got it.

Let's go, Mitch.

Forty-six
is the mark.

I don't see this
going weII for you.

One-ninety.
One-ninety
Setup.

DePrima takes
the snap, drops back.

lt's Greenman
over the middIe
for a nice gain.

[mixed voices]

It's Iike DePrima is
in the hurry-up offense.

Forty-six
in Iine.

[mixed voices]

Again, shouting
out audibIes.

Now he's up under center,
just where you like it.

Setup.

Takes the snap.
Throws a quick hit.

Galvin does not get
out of bounds.

The cIock
keeps ticking.

On the baII.
On the baII.
Run for the Iine.

Thirty-five
seconds left.

DePrima brings
the players back
up the line.

Working out of
the shotgun again.

Oh, my goodness.
Now he's improvising.

lt's like he's right.
Back to Diggs.

And Diggs it takes
down the field
for a sizeable gain.

You can't do that.
No, you can't do
a forward IateraI,

but that was
a rear IateraI.

Ten seconds
remaining in the game.

They have to get
to the endzone here.

Eight, fifty-three.

Again DePrima working
out of the shotgun.

Diggs split
out to the left.
DePrima takes a low snap.

Avoids the rush.
DePrima scrambling.

Let's go.
Comes down
with the baII.

Touchdown BIuecocks!

How do you Iike
your Cocks now?

I hate to see
that Reggie Diggs is
helped off the field,

but evidently
he's got a
bad wheeI.

He hurt his Ieg.

Okay. The Cocks need
a one to tie and
two to win.

WiII they go for two?

No idea.

Not asking you.

What do you wanna do?
Go for the win
or the tie?

We got off
the bus tied,
didn't we?

We're at home.

Right. WeII, if I have
to speII it out, I
wanna go for two.

I wanna win
this bitch.

Win this bitch.

Another receiver.

Coming, coach.

Oh, no, not--
PIease, not Schwartz.

CaII a timeout.

We don't have
a timeout.

Allen Schwartz is coming
into the game and at 5'6"
and 1 30 pounds

he's definitely
the smallest Cock
on the field.

Not touching
that one.

Oh, I think you have.

WeII, Iooks Iike
the BIuecocks are
going for two.

How do you
know that?

What island are you from?

One ninety-nine.

DePrima back
to pass.

He's looking
for a receiver.
Again, this is it.

And he's got it.
He's sacked.

He's--no.
He's stiII
on his feet.

The man
jumped over him.

No, he tried
to sack him.

DePrima scrambling.
Again, no time left
on the cIock.

This is the game.

DePrima goes
and the baII is
tipped in the air.

Schwartz steps
on his back and
it's an incredibIe catch.

[cheering]

Yeah! Whoa!

One of the
most incredibIe catches.

That's my boy.
That's my boy.

I Iike it.
My famiIy.

Is that it?
I am tired.

That's the greatest
catch I've ever seen
in coIIege footbaII.

What the fuck
is that?

Is that a joke?
What is this, a
fucking circus?

That's iIIegaI.

[cheering]

Hey. So, do you, uh,
Ieave aII your moves
on the fieId?

I got one Ieft.

Oh, my God.
You got me right
in the nose.

I'm sorry.

My eyes
are watering.
Oh, my God.

Tomorrow it's
women's Iacrosse.

Yes. You'II be
fIying soIo.

Hey. Cocks.

Looks Iike you're
quite the griII master.

Why does everybody
automaticaIIy assume

that fat peopIe
wanna fuck other
fat peopIe?

Just for the record,
I never saw her, but I was
toId that she had a cute face.

Ah, cute face is
code for fat ass.

It's Iike the time Rick
set me up with a girI
with a great body.

Looked Iike somebody set
her face on fire and put
it out with a bicycIe chain.

It was Iike the whoIe
thing was in sIow mo,
and I just,

I just embraced
the moment.

It's incredibIe.
I wanna kiss you
on the mouth.

Sit on it
for a bit.
My dick.

And not to mention
she wiped it from
back to front.

Okay, that's what
it smeIIs Iike.
I'm just saying.

Stench trench.

Hey, there.
Roy, guys.

That was quite
a game, Roy.

That final game,
especially that last
inning. That was something.

Uh, quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't
have my waIIet on me.

Listen, I think
the momentum you have
going is wonderfuI.

I hope it carries over
into next year. I put you
right where I wanted you.

You can thank me Iater.
You know, there is something
I actuaIIy wanted to see

if it wouId be
po-poss--

It's reaIIy a shame
that you're graduating
this year.

Why's that?

'Cause guess who got
accepted to be a freshman
in next year's cIass.

Oh, my God,
that's so cute.

You carry it in your
pocket everywhere.

Shut up.

CongratuIations.
It's awesome.

Thanks.

Is this--
Are we doing this?
Is this happening?

Maybe if you
stop taIking.

You gotta
watch the nose.

I'm not thinking
about those things.

Oh, there he is.
The bIack man
of the hour.

Uh-huh.

Hey, good stuff, huh?
Good stuff.

Interesting.
Good stuff.

I'm thinking me and you.
Carry that to next year.

[Iaughing]

Good luck.

Jensen, you did good.

This is the game baII.
I want you to have it.

Thanks, Coach.

It reaIIy means
a Iot to me.

WeII, you know,
I've never met
a pIayer as

mature as you.

I couIdn't have done it
without my best bro here.

Thanks, Dad.

WeII, good Iuck
to you two.

Diggs.
Game baII.

My favorite coach.

Allen Schwartz.
Schwartz is the
"shports", huh?

Game baII.
I want you
to have it.

Wow.

WeII, without you
and your gay IittIe
dance moves,

who knows?
Right? Who knows?

These Iook a Iot
Iike my Dad's baIIs.

AII right, move
the fuck aIong.

Jeez.

Did I frighten you?

No more
than usuaI.

You know, this is--

One of your
game baIIs?

One of the ga--
That's the game baII.

You've done reaI
good this season.
I'm proud of you.

I know I was
tough on you.

Yeah, why are
you so tough
on everybody?

WeII, you ever hear
the one about the Iion
and the mouse?

No.

WeII, basicaIIy
the Iion was
in troubIe.

I reaIIy don't remember
what kind of troubIe, but
he was in a predicament,

and the mouse came up
and said, "May I heIp
you out?"

And the Iion said,
"You can't heIp me.
You're a IittIe mouse."

And he heIped him
somehow. And Iater
on in the story--

The Iion
ate the mouse.

No.

You know,
he might've.
I don't--

He either--
He either heIped him
out or he ate him.

'Cause it's
his nature.

That's the part I remember,
because it's in his nature.

Take care, coach.

I won't forget this.

Yeah.

I want you
to get some.

'Cause that's
in your nature.

And that ain't
the game baII.

♫ Get some ♫

Scene 91 .
HeIp her take
three marks.

[laughter]

It's Iike--

I reaIIy feeI it's
a great opportunity
for me right now to--

Rickets is a disease
you get when you
don't have--

I don't know,
still is soft.

That's good.
One more.

[shouting]

Oh, my God.
That scared me.

Put your hands
right here.
Shut up.

Quit staring at her,
ta-tas and Iock it in.

[Iaughs]

Get some. Get it?
Get it? Get it?

Do it.
Get some.

Get it? Get it?
Get it? Get it?
I'm new.

I can't.

Give me one.

I don't have time
to go through this.
A man takes to a poet.

I'm no Edgar AIan Poop.
I need you to get out
there and pIay.

I'm Denny Dawson.

And I'm Head Coach
Rick Vice.

DeductibIes
and premiums.

There is my ride.
I have to go.

But under a whoIe
new set of ruIes.

What are you
taIking about, WiIIis?

You can come--

[Iaughing]

He's been running
since he was knee-high
to Juan VaIdez--no.

[Iaughing]

That's true.

[Iaughing]

That's true.

I hate myseIf.
I apoIogize for
being aII pussy--

[Iaughing]

How Iong have you
been sitting there
ass-fucking me?

What?

[laughter]

I Iike you.

[Iaughs]

Sorry, I don't know
if it was snot that feII
out of my nose.

I do remember the paper,
not to brag, but the paper
did say

that I sang
a BIoody Mary.

Like, uh,
[indistinct]

And where
is he now?

SeIIing reaI estate
in Montana to nobody.

AII getting
cut out
in post.

[Iaughing]

Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here.
As you can teII, unfortunateIy
we've got a huge storm front

brewing from the East.
Got a pressure system here.

That means we put them
together and we have
rain, foIks.

I'm sorry. Make sure
you wear your umbreIIas
and your rubber boots.

Thank you, Denny.

Who do I have to face-fuck
to get these fucking stupid
Iightning boIts

to stay on my goddamn suit?
I Iook Iike an idiot here.

No, not that.
I'II do that.
Do it here, pIease.

This needs to be
pushed down.

Higher. Can you
push harder?

Wow. Who pissed
in your cornfIakes?

Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here.

[The Guise
sing Get Some]