Original subtitles

Here's what you missed last week.

Quinn's pregnant, and Puck's the father, but Quinn's decided...

to give the baby to Terri, who's not pregnant, just pretending to be.

- It was her sister Kendra's idea. - We're gonna have to get you a baby.

- Also, Ken proposed to Emma, and she said... - Yes.

Oh, and Sue got Figgins to make her co director of the Glee Club.

- Hey, kids. - And that's what you missed on...

How did this happen? I look like a crazy person.

That's not me. Wow.

I didn't know the vein on my neck could stick out like that.

We've been going at it for a week...

since the decongestant incident where Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the Glee Club.

I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.

Look at me.

Even in the heat of battle, I'm so elegant...

regal.

I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior.

God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester.

Shut up, Sue.

Look at us. We're even fighting in our voice-overs.

I guess things really started to fall apart a couple days ago...

right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down.

Sue, Schue, I called you here...

to get the temperature of the Glee Club.

- Great. - I wanted to get a progress report...

on how you're working together as co directors.

- Well, I think... - In my opinion... No, go ahead.

- No, you. - Okay.

- Please. - Principal Figgins.

- Uh, things couldn't be going more smoothly. - I couldn't agree more.

I don't want to hear any reports...

of either of you trying to curry favor from the children.

- Am I clear? - Oh, absolutely!

As we head into sectionals, I wanna get some feedback.

Like, what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing.

Is there anything... any music in particular... that you guys wanna do?

Can we maybe try something a little more black?

I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes.

It's Glee Club, not Crunk Club.

Don't make me take you to the carpet.

Fantastic! Thank you, Mercedes, Kurt.

Duly noted. Anything else?

I can pop and lock.

Not really what we're goin' for, Mike...

but... noted, noted, yes.

- And no pitting the kids against one another. - Never.

I wanna pit these kids against one another. Am I clear?

Quinn, update. Go.

The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.

Ah. Chink in the armor, huh?

I am going to create an environment that is so toxic...

no one will want to be a part of that club.

Like the time I sold my house to a nice, young couple...

and I salted the earth in the backyard...

so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years.

You know why I did that?

Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.

Sectionals is coming up.

What are your co director plans?

Uh, we were actually... Uh, we're each gonna direct our own number.

And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first.

- It'll be very civilized, very sportsmanlike, so... - Mmm. Yes.

This arrangement is pleasing to all.

- Isn't it? - It's great.

Now, let's hug it out.

- I'd rather not do that. - I really don't see that happening.

This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching.

It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.

I will destroy you.

I'm about to vomit down your back.

It's on.

- I'm freaking out. - Everything's gonna be fine.

Relax. At your age, there's very little chance of anything being wrong.

Awesome.

It is gonna be a little cool to the touch.

Can you just be careful with my uniform?

All right.

Speaking of your ages, have you two given any thought...

to what you're gonna do after the baby is born?

Whatever Quinn wants is fine.

Well, if it makes a difference, it's a girl.

- Hmm. Hey. - Hey.

The baby's fine. Uh, no mutations or anything.

Not even any cool ones.

Thanks for taking us today. I was too freaked out to drive.

Yeah. No problem.

Hey. You doing all right?

Um, no.

I mean, how am I supposed to take care of a real person?

My mom won't even let me have fish.

I thought Quinn wanted to give the baby up for adoption.

For now, but we both know that's not my call.

This sucks.

Get all the stress and the worry and none of the control.

It's cool, Mr. Schue.

You wouldn't understand.

The independent polling company in my Dockers...

has determined you're the hottest girl in this school.

- Ew. - Have you been reading my blog?

Of course not. You're a gossip monger...

and your blog is nothing but trash and lies, many of them about me.

You'll be happy to know the one I'm working on right now has nothing to do with you...

or your rumored lust for Jew-fros.

It's about Quinn Fabray.

Word on the street is that she's in trouble.

- Where did you hear that? - Are you denying it?

Yes.

Because the same birdie told me you're heartbroken...

Finn Hudson didn't choose you to carry his litter.

- What is it gonna take for you to not run the story? - Well...

Ladies' choice. Heads.

Tricksters Trick Store? This is Sue Sylvester. You got any of those double-headed coins?

Heads.

Awesome. All right.

Following students have been selected...

for a special elite Glee Club called Sue's Kids.

- Hold on. We agreed not to split up the group. - Aw, come on, Will.

Give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way.

Maybe with my proven leadership abilities...

I can help this pathetic group of mouth breathers place at sectionals.

We can't even compete in sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue.

- It's against the rules. - Really? You need to crack open a book, William.

Here. I have. Show Choir Rule Book. Page 24.

Provision 14. Second addendum.

"Twelve members must perform for each team.

However, not all members must perform every song."

Fine. Hey, just go ahead, take all the football players and your Cheerios.

All right, everybody. Listen up.

When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black, shiny thing.

- That's called a piano, Sue. - Santana!

Wheels! Gay kid! Come on! Move it!

Asian! Other Asian.

Aretha. And Shaft.

I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.

- You have got to be kidding me! - I wouldn't kid about this.

And maybe that's your problem.

Bigotry is no laughing matter.

And that's how Sue sees it.

Outstanding.

I wanted to remind you to tell that Quinn girl...

not to vaccinate in the hospital.

I'm pretty sure those shots made my kids stupid.

Oh. I guess I could use the vaccination money...

to buy the organic crib mattress.

I mean, what are the chances of the baby getting polio, right?

Bye, Kendra.

- I hate you, Will! - That was rude!

Don't take the stress of your workday out on me.

I don't wanna take it out on you, Terri.

I just don't wanna feel as powerless in my own home as I do at school.

I have to come home and listen to you making major decisions about our son with your sister.

I haven't even felt the baby kick yet...

and the only time I've ever been to an OB/GYN office...

was when I took Quinn and Finn for the 10-week ultrasound.

You did? How's the baby?

Fine. It's a girl. That's not the point.

Well, what is the point, Will?

My point is that I am the father of that baby.

And I'm coming with you to your next doctor's appointment.

So what did you have to do to get him to stop?

Let's just say I feel sorry for my dads...

'cause they're probably gonna have to dip into my college fund to pay for intensive therapy.

- Whoa! Hard core. - I don't mind.

- I did it to protect you. - And Quinn.

- Of course. - Yeah.

- We're all teammates. - Hey, I gotta tell you.

You really are awesome.

I'm gonna make it up to you someday, I swear.

I need another pair.

- What's wrong with the ones I already gave you? - Look.

- Uh, they still had the tag on them. - Put those away!

I want Rachel Berry panties.

Okay. I expect delivery by tomorrow morning...

or the story of Quinn Fabray and the stork goes wide.

I feel an urge to kiss you right now. I'm just gonna go for it.

You stop it!

Okay. Sorry.

- I'm k-k-kind of nervous. - I debated not even showing up.

I think it's gonna be great. Did you catch Sue's Corner last night?

Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?"

I'll tell you why.

Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today.

I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian.

In fact, I like minorities so much...

I'm thinkin' of movin' to California to become one.

Hey, kids. Brought some of my brass buddies with me.

Thought maybe they could help us out a little bit. Okay.

So I selected a song that I think will speak to the frustration you've felt...

under the failed leadership of Will Schuester.

"Hate on Me," an R & B song!

You like that? Yeah.

Changster, I wanna see some of that pop and lock groove you're so famous for.

You go to town. And you, Mercedes.

- I want to see some Mariah hands. - I can do that.

- Yeah! - I think we g-got this one, Miss Sylvester.

All right. Well, we'll see. Hit it!

Sue. Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.

Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.

Why'd you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?

A properly steam-cleaned piano is the key to any successful music group.

You are undermining me in front of these students.

Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign...

of early-stage paranoid schizophrenia.

Sue, I am not done talking to you.

What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.

Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis...

from the mildew I feared was infesting that old, moldy paper.

- So, what, you sent it away for some testing? - Nah. Burned it.

That is it, Sue! This ends right here!

A cockfight. Fantastic.

We are here for these students. Whatever problems we have, we're gonna get 'em out in the open!

You wanna get real? You're right, Will.

I have been trying to destroy your club with a conviction I can only call religious.

And you wanna know why? Because I don't trust a man with curly hair.

I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there...

and I find it disgusting.

Oh, you are a terrible influence on these kids.

- You're dangerous. I think you teach them the wrong lessons! - I don't care what you think.

I have a legacy to protect, William, and Glee Club is a part of that legacy.

And I will win.

If it means I have to get you fired to do it, so be it.

Those drinks are crap!

Oh! Thanks, honey.

I wanna finish grading these papers first.

What, you think the kids weren't drunk when they wrote 'em, hmm?

Listen, honey.

I've been a really crummy wife lately.

Uh, Terri, you're carrying my baby.

I have no right to expect anything more than that from you.

No, that is my sister's marriage, and I don't want it.

Anyway, listen.

Okay.

I think that I might be able to help you with your problems at school.

Uh, thanks, Terri, but the last time you helped out at school...

it didn't go over very well.

Eh...

Besides, this is serious.

I mean, Sue said she wouldn't rest until she saw me fired.

All the more reason. You gotta do whatever it takes, honey.

You gotta get down in the gutter if you wanna win this.

Sue, a lot of our readers at Cheerleading Today...

- I'm cutting you off. Is this a cover story? - Yes.

Okay. This is all your readers need to know. I'm all about empowerment.

I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear...

by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.

Speaking of which... Q! Here, now!

- Where are my Cheerios? - Coach Sylvester, they're not academically eligible.

Mr. Schuester flunked them.

This is a travesty of international proportions.

You are jeopardizing my Cheerios' role as goodwill ambassadors...

and I have a call in to the president.

I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name...

and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.

You can't stand it. You can't stand to see a woman in a position of power.

- That has nothing... - Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating, Will...

if it weren't so terrifying!

Sue, Will did a little research.

According to our test records, most of your cheerleaders are functionally illiterate!

- Oh, so what? - And why, only last Friday, at the football game...

they tried to spell out "Go, team," and they spelled out "To game."

"To game."Since 1992, 95% of your Cheerios...

should have flunked Spanish...

and I, for one, am not gonna be a part of it anymore.

Oh, Will, we all know about your devotion to that dying language!

- Dying language? - Let me break this down for you, okay?

I empower my Cheerios to be champions.

Do they go on to college? I don't know. I don't care.

- See... - Should they learn Spanish?

Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.

But if they wanna be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry...

the most important lesson they could possibly learn...

is how to do a round off.

She is deranged. You know, this all happened on your watch!

You have allowed this to go on for years.

Say something!

Oh, plea... Okay! Sue, Will is correct. You're wrong.

- What? - From now on, no free passes.

That's it! There.

- See you in Glee Club, Sue. - Don't... touch me.

That is a lawsuit, mister!

I will sue your ass!

What happened to our little agreement, huh?

Will I be uploading a certain video to YouTube this afternoon?

Anti-embolism stockings can be purchased...

Oh, Sue. I put it on YouTube myself, and it only got two hits!

- Damn! - Let me break it down for you. Nobody cares!

No! Not the children!

Move! Move! Move!

- Mmm. - What is this?

Check it out.

I came up with a name that I think would be good for the kid.

Eyes on your own test, Finn.

What's up now, Ronnie?

Anyway, then I read that Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple...

and I think that's so cool 'cause you know how much I love apples, right?

So I figured we should name our kid something more original and poetic.

Then I came up with the best baby name of all time.

- Drizzle! - Drizzle?

Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause you know how awesome it is...

when it's just drizzling outside, but it's not really raining...

so it smells like rain, but you don't need an umbrella to go outside.

- Are you a moron? - What?

We're not naming our baby Drizzle. We're not naming our baby anything.

Finish your test, Finn.

Will you give me my test back?

- I just don't understand anything. - That's not my problem.

You are so insensitive!

Bringing up baby names to me when you know I don't want to keep it.

- I can't keep it. - I know, but I don't get what you expect me to do about it.

- Not have an opinion? - Hey, this is happening to me too!

No, it's not!

You're not the one whose parents will burn her like a witch if they find out.

Sometimes I wish you were a little more like Rachel.

- Really? - Yeah. She cares about my feelings.

She sticks up for me. She sticks up for both of us.

She gave that Jacob kid a pair of her underpants...

just to keep him from posting on his blog about you being pregnant.

You think she did that for me?

- Just to be a good teammate? - That's what she told me.

I know some guys cheat on their wives or pregnant girlfriends.

Just don't do it with her.

Whoo! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho!

Come on now.

Whoo! Yeah.

I miss us all being together.

I hope we don't get in trouble for our covert jam session.

If Sue catches us mingling, we're cooked.

She told me if I even talked to one of Mr. Schue's kids, she would shave my head.

And I just can't rock that look.

Even Justin Timberlake is growing his fro back.

- Well, we gotta go, you guys. - No!

Miss Sylvester is expecting us in 10 minutes in the dance studio.

- Oh, man! - Bye!

- Bye. - Bye.

- Bye, white people. - Sorry. Bye.

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

Just s-s-stopping by to say hello.

- Ah, it's great to see you guys. - Bye!

- Bye, you guys. - Bye, guys.

All right. Great news, guys.

Brought the band with me, and I think that we have our number for sectionals.

Mr. Schue?

We don't like what this has become.

Don't you guys see? That is how Sue wants you to feel.

Giving up doesn't help anyone but her.

Look, if it were up to me, we would all perform together at sectionals.

But it's not up to me anymore, okay?

Sue's gonna do her song, and we are gonna do ours.

Sue's Kids are singing about hate... literally.

So, I thought we would try a kinder approach.

All right. Finn and Rachel, come up here. You're gonna take the leads.

Oh, I love this song. Okay. Follow my lead.

Don't wait for me.

So much for togetherness.

Guys, you guys really need to practice this, all right?

Night and day, between classes. It has to be letter-perfect.

- Okay? - You got it, Mr. S. Hit it.

Amazing, guys. Bull's-eye.

Excuse me. What about us?

You expect us to just sway back here like props?

Say it for me again, word for word.

"What about us? You expect us to just sway back here like props?"

Perfect. Then turn to the other two and say...

I think Sue is right about him.

He clearly doesn't like minorities.

Can you imagine in this day and age being discriminated against?

My goodness. The pain you must be feeling.

So your last name's Puckerman, huh?

- Shalom. - Who knew?

And poor, sweet Brittany.

Oh, I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people...

but that's no excuse for treating you...

like some half-price hooker in Amsterdam's famous Red Light District.

Well, all I can say is, if you're serious about leaving Schuester...

Sue Sylvester's rainbow tent...

will gladly protect you from his storm of racism.

Hey, babe, you home?

- Hey, what's for dinner? - Oh!

- Why don't you get something from takeout, sweetie. - Hey, listen.

I don't expect you to start cooking...

but on nights when you're home first, I think it's appropriate for you to take care of dinner.

Wow, you're so forceful. What's gotten into you?

You.

You were right. I stood up to Sue...

and now she's begging me for mercy.

Oh, I feel great!

And I have you to thank for it.

I have my moments, huh?

You're gonna have another one this Friday at 4:00.

I made an appointment for us with Dr. Woo.

- My obstetrician. - Yep.

- Oh. - I'm finally gonna get a look at my little boy.

Hey. Pick whatever you want for dinner.

Just not Chinese again.

Who do you think you are?

Well, now you know how it felt for me to have my Cheerios snatched away.

I can't do a song with three kids.

Not with that attitude.

Look, I'm prepared to cut you a deal.

You pass my Cheerios...

and I'll give you back your team of losers and snot faucets.

Sue Sylvester...

you're gonna have to pry those F's from my cold, dead hands.

Can't wait, pal!

My job is very stressful.

After dentists, obstetricians have the highest rate of suicide...

among medical professionals.

Caring for my bonsai relaxes me.

- I had a huge crush on the Karate Kid when I was a teenager. - Can we cut the crap?

I guess I'm a little curious as to what you ladies want from me.

- Neither of you are pregnant. - Well, Woo...

you delivered all three of my kids.

Each one is dumber than the last. Plus, they all have A.D.D.

And, although my husband nor I have red hair...

they are all creepy ginger kids.

- It's caused by a recessive gene. - That's one theory. Do you wanna hear mine?

You gave me too much Pitocin when I was in labor...

and it screwed up their DNA.

That's not a theory. You just made that up.

Mrs. Schuester, is your sister on some kind of new psychotropic medication?

- Not that I know of. - That's offensive.

- Are you all right? - Shh. Here's the deal, Woo.

My husband does the taxes...

for some very powerful mid size law firms in this town.

And I'm sure somebody would be more than happy to take on my lawsuit.

- You'll never win. - I don't have to win.

There's only two OBs in this town.

You get even the slightest stink on you...

and you can bet that a bunch of your patients...

will just close on up their legs...

and walk on over to Dr. Chin.

Okay, this is outrageous.

What do you want?

Listen here, treasure trail. We're about to have a smack-down.

I don't want to have a confrontation.

Don't play stupid with me, stubbles.

I'm having Finn's baby, and you need to back off.

I'm asking you as nicely as I possibly can.

Leave him alone.

You're right. I-I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do...

but because I had romantic ulterior motives.

But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.

- Excuse me? - I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole...

and you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Sue is not on your side, Quinn. She's not on anyone's side but her own.

Can you imagine what she's gonna do when she finds out about your situation?

She'll probably try to rip off your uniform with her bare hands.

All right. Every time you whisper in her ear...

you empower her to do more damage to the Glee Club.

And right now, Glee Club is all you have.

And if I were you, I'd recognize who my true friends are.

And I'd practice a little bit more...

because you obviously have a lot you need to express.

Oh, you have no idea.

All right, everybody, take five.

We would just like to say that although we find ourselves...

on opposite sides, we hope you enjoy our number...

- and we look forward to seeing yours as well. - Get on with it!

Enough with the jibber-jabber. Sing something!

Sue, you can't talk to kids that way.

All right, that's it. Come on.

She had her chance. Everybody up. We're leaving.

I'm sorry. Is there a fire?

No, and that's the point. There is no fire.

You know, it's sad enough that my Sue's Kids are living in squalor...

- and probably on food stamps... - My dad's a dentist.

But for you to drag 'em in here and bore 'em to death? I won't stand for it.

Come on, kids. Out. We're goin' for Coneys. My treat.

- All right, that's it! - Really?

You know what, Sue? You've been pretty honest about your feelings for me...

so let me return the favor.

You're rude, Sue. You have no class, and you are a terrible teacher!

- I'll have you know I have my Ph.D. - You got it online, Sue!

You are a failed performer, Will.

You weren't good enough to make it in the real world.

You're not even good enough to run this stupid little club that nobody cares about.

Time after time, Will, you fail!

You spend every waking moment of your life...

figuring out ways to terrify children to try to make you...

feel better about yourself and the fact...

that you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life alone!

- How dare you talk to me like that! - Don't you even...

Don't you point your...

Enough!

I'm sorry, Mr. Schue...

Miss Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear Mom and Dad fight...

those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday.

I agree. Glee Club is supposed to be fun.

And furthermore, I don't like this minority business.

I may be a strong, proud black woman, but I'm a lot more than that.

- I'm out. - M-Me too.

Fellow Glee Clubbers, it would be an honor...

to show you how a real storm-out is done.

I encourage you to follow my lead.

Is that necessary? It's nothing I haven't seen before.

I mean, I am the one who knocked her up.

Just standard operating procedure.

You okay, Mr. Schuester? You seem upset.

Just-Just a little stressed. Bad day at work.

Will, you're about to see your child for the first time.

Can you forget about those dancing delinquents for one minute?

You're right. I'm sorry.

Oh, my parents are gonna kill me if I don't come home with a DVD.

Got it right here.

All right.

Juno.

Oh.

- You okay? - Oh, that must be cold.

- Sorry about that. - It's really... Yeah, it's a little cold.

Wow!

That's him!

Oh, hold on a sec.

What? I-Is something wrong with him?

Well, not exactly.

This is really embarrassing, but it appears as if your boy is a girl.

Oh, my God. Did something happen to his...

No, he never had one. He's a she.

Must have misread the first sonogram. Sorry about that.

Honey, I...

I didn't know that having a boy was so important to you.

It isn't.

I don't care what she is.

She's all ours.

I'm just so happy.

No matter what happens...

I want you to remember at this moment...

that we love each other.

Okay?

Hey, Sue.

William. Close the door.

I, uh, wanted to talk to you about the auditorium.

Good. I wanted to come to you, too, but I have no idea where your office is.

- Why don't you have a seat? - Sure.

So I decided to step down as co-head of Glee.

- Really? - Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity.

I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.

- Yeah. It did get pretty bad in there. - Yeah.

I'd still like to stay on as consigliere.

You know, maybe you could show me your set lists before competitions.

- Just so I feel like I'm contributing. - Cool.

You know, I was a VJ for a couple of years. Not MTV, but still.

Why do I feel like I'm about to fall through a trapdoor into a pit of fire?

- Because you don't trust me. - Mmm.

I know my methods are extreme, and I know I'm not like the rest of you hippies...

caring about the kids' feelings as if they're real.

But I do care about teaching.

And when I coach them, and they win, I win.

And you know how I feel about winning.

I do.

Look. Who's to say everything I do is a hundred percent on the ball?

No one would say that.

Probably right, but, um, in hindsight...

you were right to shine the spotlight on the fact that those kids are minorities.

Because you're all minorities.

You're in the Glee Club. Now, there are only 12 of you.

And all you have is each other.

So it doesn't matter that Rachel is Jewish...

- or that Finn is... - Unable to tell my rights from my lefts.

Sure.

Or that Santana is Latina...

- or that Quinn is... - Is pregnant.

Sorry, Q. It'll be all over the blogosphere by this afternoon.

Now everybody knows... including me.

How could you do that?

Do you have any idea how much pain you caused by running that story?

Sue made me do it.

This was a particularly interesting find...

from today's round of locker checks.

Are these your droopy, white granny panties, Jacob?

Are you an Eve who was born a Steve?

Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs.

And I think that school is in Thailand.

Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.

What Quinn story?

Quinn Fabray is pregnant.

Not a chance.

If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my Cheerios...

and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me.

Quinn Fabray respects me and would never lie to me. Never.

I have three sources confirming.

Please don't expel me.

I'll kill the story.

No. Run it.

I'm sorry, Rachel.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.