Original subtitles

Yetta, I love you, I got to go, sweetie.

No, you can't talk to them now. Okay, here they are.

We need to talk. I've got such exciting news.

Calm down, calm down.

They're not geniuses. That was Niles talking.

Okay, I'm going to go now. I love you too. ( kisses ) Bye.

What is the one thing that separates me

from all the successful people in this world?

Success?

This.

Oh, no. You didn't write another "Seinfeld" episode, did you?

Sweetie, it's over.

No. This is a new play. A friend of mine wrote it, and it's wonderful!

- Oh. - I'm going to show it to Mr. Sheffield.

He'll love it, produce it, I'll be his partner, become rich,

and finally be able to get out of this stinking, rotten excuse for an existence.

Not that it hasn't been a blast.

- Good morning. - Oh, sir.

I've got something very important to discuss with you,

and I know you'll listen since you have great respect for my opinions.

Oh, by the way, have you scraped off my riding boots like I asked?

Yes. Yes.

Sir, I have discovered a wonderful new play

that I would consider selling, okay, giving,

to Sheffield-Babcock productions in exchange for becoming a partner.

Okay, co-partner. Associate. Junior. Assistant.

All right, I'll fetch the lattes.

But we are partners, old man.

I run the business, you run the home.

I'm good at my specialty, you are wonderful at yours.

Now, you wouldn't want to go and fiddle

with what I consider to be one of the more successful partnerships

anyone has ever known, would you?

No, of course not, sir. Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir. Thank you.

Well, I lost that exchange, didn't I?

- Oh, yes, sir. - Oh.

Well, forget it. What was I thinking?

She's only ever going to think of me as "just a domestic."

Who?

Oh? No one.

Niles, are you doing all this to impress a woman?

Well, maybe. A little.

Sorta.

Kinda.

Oh, are you in love?

Maybe. A little.

Sorta.

Kinda.

But I'm just dreaming. There's no way that she would ever consider me.

Oh, no, you're not still writing to Petula Clark, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. This isn't an infatuation.

No, this is deep.

I think this might really be it.

Well, have you told her how you feel?

Oh, God, no.

Well, you've got to let her know.

I mean, what woman wouldn't be thrilled to have you in her life?

Oh.

Hello, hello.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ♪

Niles, I have been buzzing for over an hour.

What do I have to do to get some milk for my coffee?

Hover over a bucket.

( laughs )

You found that funny?

No, I'm laughing at the way that little thing under his chin

jiggles back and forth when he talks.

What is this? Foreplay?

Uh, Miss Babcock.

Let me have a word with you.

You know, if you want to have

a long-term relationship with a man,

you know, other than my husband,

let me give you a little bit of advice. We're friends.

Nanny Fine,

I may have to accept the fact that you snagged my boyfriend

and are about to breed what should be my babies...

C.C.!

My babies!

You do realize that's my wife you're speaking to, don't you?

Of course.

I just didn't know you were standing right behind me.

This animosity's been going on far too long, C.C.

And frankly, I am sick of it. Now either you

make friends and get along with my wife,

or there's no place for you in our home and I'll have

- to dissolve our partnership. - Oh!

Maxwell, I was just funning with her. We're friends,

just like I was with your first wife, Sally.

- Sarah. - Sarah!

I love the smell of Nair that lingers when she leaves a room.

Who are you?

Are you telling me that all those years that you put dishwater in her coffee

and changed her lip balm for glue stick

and called her a cow you were flirting?

What, no good?

Oh, Niles, why don't you just tell her how you feel?

Oh, God, no, not until I have a successful career.

A substantial income. A home.

- Oh, God. - What?

She's never going to know.

Well, here's what you're going to do.

You are going to produce this play yourself, mister,

and I am going to help you, because you're my friend

and I love you and I want you to be happy.

Is this your way of telling me that you've upped the number of baby-shower guests

I'm going to have to cook for to 75?

Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. 100.

Okay, partner, the first thing you need to do

is read the play and tell me what you think.

Very good. Great. I'll do that.

You know, it's so heavy.

I don't need to read it. If you say it's great, it's great.

Now come on, if you're going to be a producer, you have to do the work.

You're right. Okay.

I'll have Gracie read it.

Hey, kid...

Listen, I really screwed up with your old man,

and I need your help to weasel back in to his good graces.

Er, why should I help you?

I'll give you $10,000.

Okay.

- It's Grace. - Oh, thank you.

Wait a minute, I don't want you. You're the little one. I want the big one.

Uh, Maggie.

What?

I was right?

You know, I have always felt a special closeness to you.

I watched you grow up, I danced at your wedding...

Did you have a good time?

Well, let's just say I didn't go home alone.

She's never been married.

Who's the boy? Who's the boy? Oh, hello! Trevor!

Yeah?

I was right again?

Listen, I have always felt a special closeness to you...

- How's it going, partner? - Oh, terribly.

Bernadette Peters' agent wouldn't even take my call.

They'd never heard of me.

Me! Niles! They do back flips for me at the A&P!

Well, I've been watching Maxwell and Miss Babcock do this for years,

and we're just going to have to do what they do to get things done.

- What's that? - We'll use their names.

People will think that we're them.

Hello.

Or should I say, hello, hello.

And you'll have to be Maxwell. Can you do an English accent?

I'll try.

Oh, but we still have one big problem.

We can't even afford to send the messenger to give the scripts out to people to read.

What are we going to do for money?

( Clears throat )

Oh, no. I mean, it's one thing to steal their names,

but it's very, very wrong to use his business account.

I'll use our joint account.

That's what I'll do. You know, Maxwell gave me full access to that.

Oh? How much is in there?

Not a lot. He says that I'm not good with money.

And everybody knows that you have the first penny that you ever earned here.

Yeah, well, that'll pay for the messenger.

Well, we'll worry about that later. Get into your position.

- What position? - Your Maxwell position.

And then I'll just call that agent right now.

Agent: Hello?

Yes, this is Sheffield-Babcock Productions,

and Mr. Sheffield has a property,

and he would like to speak with Bernadette Peters' agent. ASPCA.

Agent: One moment, please.

One moment, please, this is going to be a piece of cake.

C.C., you're brilliant.

Oh, Maxwell.

We make such a great couple.

But I know I can't compete with that gorgeous,

sexy brunette you married.

I got you!

We knew you were coming in here!

( laughing )

You see, I told you he wouldn't find this funny.

- Yeah, he said it. - Now, if you don't mind,

- I have work to do. - Okay.

Her idea.

It was his idea.

Oh, would you look at you,

Mr. Producer man?

C.C. is going to be so majorly turned on when she sees you.

You know, women love powerful men. Strong, confident...

( sniffles )

What's that smell?

Nice, huh? I Lemon Pledge'd all the folding chairs.

Well, we'll just leave that part out.

You know, I've been thinking, this is such a star vehicle.

I really wish we'd been able to get a bigger name than Madeline Porter.

Why? She's a huge soap star. Didn't you ever watch "Edge of Life?"

Of course. 30 years ago, before it was cancelled.

What has she done since that?

This.

Hello, darlings. Sorry I'm late. I was held up at lunch.

Oh, Miss Porter, did you enjoy the script?

I didn't read it. Much too heavy.

This is ridiculous. No one is going to buy that she is a 24-year-old ingénue.

Oh, sure they will. We can't afford any lights.

But you know, my Uncle Heshy is supplying us with the tickets.

And they turn into sponges when you wet them.

It would really be ironic if this was a big hit and they got all the credit.

And we were the best things that ever happened to Sheffield-Babcock Productions.

Maxwell Sheffield and C.C. Babcock?

Uh, you know what they look like?

- No. - Then yeah, sure, that's us.

- This is for you. - Oh. Thank you.

What is it?

"Sheffield-Babcock Productions"

is hereby notified that they are in violation

of City codes, a bunch of numbers,

"hereby ordered to pay a fine of $250,000!"

( gasps )

Go pick up my dry-cleaning,

put gas in the limo, and bring me a double-decaf cappuccino!

What are you yelling at him for? We're the ones in trouble.

Just clinging to my final moments as a producer.

Well, on the bright side, there are still two theater codes that we didn't violate.

Oh, no. I'm wrong.

What am I going to do?

All the dreams I had

of impressing Miss Babcock have gone up in smoke.

Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

I mean, maybe she's got more depth than you give her credit for.

Listen, people don't have to be in the same position in life to fall in love.

Well, that's certainly true. Mr. Sheffield fell

in love with you when you were just a nanny.

- That's right. - And you didn't have any

formal education or fit into his circle of friends.

Yeah, but I could fit into a size two miniskirt and that kind of gave me an edge.

But that's not the only reason he fell in love with me. I let him know how I felt.

Every chance you got.

For five long years.

Well, since you're so used to telling him things,

are you going to tell him that we cost his company a quarter of a million dollars?

Yes, I am. But with one little change. I'm going to blame the whole thing on you.

- Right - Well,

I can't take the risk anymore. I can't fit into a size two nowadays.

- It's Miss Babcock. - Talk to her!

What do I say?

I love you.

- What? - Nothing.

Nanny Fine, you look so pretty.

Mrs. Sheffield, I love the way...

Oh, I cannot do this!

I have got to find some way to not hate you,

or Maxwell is just going to kick me out on my butt.

All right, from now on,

no matter what you say, no matter what you do,

I am going to treat you with courtesy and respect.

- No matter what? - No matter what.

Even if you're totally justified in hating me?

Yep.

Niles and I used your names to produce a play of our own,

and ended up getting Sheffield-Babcock Productions sued

for a quarter of a million dollars.

I'm going to kill you,

you stupid, useless, pig-headed...

Angel! What lucky babies.

Look how nicely the two of you are getting along.

Now that's very nice, C.C., you keep it up.

Okay, here's the deal, Miss Babcock. If you help me and Niles out of this jam,

I will tell Maxwell that you're being nice to me

and you really don't have to be.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I just wait for Maxwell to find out

that you used his name to produce a play,

and then I won't have to worry about liking you

because he'll despise you as much as I do?

( laughs )

Oh, it's going to be a bloodbath.

I don't know what he sees in her.

Don't make me do this. I'm a really bad actor.

Just walk in, look him in the eye

and tell him what I told you to say.

Um, Dad, um, you know, Fran's in the living room crying, and I think

she really needs some...

Fran: Comfort. Oy!

Comfort, oy.

Oh, the poor thing.

She's feeling a little more emotional these days because of the pregnancy.

Thank you.

Fran, darling, what's the matter?

Is anything wrong?

Did one of the children do something?

Did I do something?

Oh. Are you feeling a little bit neglected?

Oh, look, I'm so busy working on this sitcom.

- Yeah. - Oh, darling,

I'm sorry. It's just there are so many things to take care of

before this move to California.

I've never produced a television show before.

You know what I think?

I think you need to get out there a little more. Have some fun.

Go create some new projects for yourself.

Oh, and...

you wouldn't mind if I did that?

No, of course not, my darling.

I'd fully support you in anything you wanted to do.

Anything?

Max: You what?

- She told him. - She told him.

You know, this just isn't right. She's in there taking all the blame herself.

She's such a good friend.

Max: Niles!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you all. What a glorious opening night.

I wish I could stay.

Oh, do you have another party to go to?

No, I've got to refill the sugar dispensers for the morning rush.

Thank you.

Would you care for a donut, Yetta?

None of these have bones in them, do they?

No.

The bear claws might.

Oh, sweetie, I really like this whole producing thing.

I think that maybe we should become a team. I mean, you got to admit,

I was pretty good at it.

Well, darling, you almost cost me a quarter of a million dollars.

I had to come down here and fix everything myself.

Well, what kind of a team would we be if we both screwed up?

Niles, Niles,

you're a successful producer, and you're standing over here.

Mm-hmm.

There's Miss Babcock, the woman that you love, over there.

- Not good. - Oh.

- Go ahead. - Oh.

I don't know what to say. I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Yeah, well, don't open with that.

Niles, listen to me. I'm your friend, and I love you.

Don't spend the rest of your life wondering.

Carpe diem.

Miss Babcock.

Well, I got to admit you surprised me tonight.

You finally pulled off something bigger than your shorts.

( laughs )

Oh, yeah? Well you...

You're a... you walk like a...

Marry me.

Man: Five, six, seven, eight!

( music playing )

Ma, come on. Morty's waiting in the car.

I'm coming.

( Jazz music playing )