Original subtitles

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...I don't want my child

to go through life with something like just one dimple.

It's already gonna have just one parent.

Yeah, okay, they'll only have one parent, but it's a good one.

You know, the first time I saw you

with Madison, you know what I thought?

This is what he's good at!

I'll give you the money for your firm.

I'll be a silent partner, and you can control the shares.

Since you started working in that new office, you're getting

peppery, and I don't use that word lightly.

Let me give you the grand tour... of the new place.Yes.

This is where all those people were

murder... Look at those sconces.

Isn't this the house where

all those drug dealers were murdered? Ooh.

I live in a famous murder house!

You think I don't have an ax?!

They are gonna charge you with attempted second degree murder.

What?! No! No. Hey, I was saving your life.

I'm sending you to county jail for six weeks.

I deserve this.You have a new hearing.

What? Why?Trent woke up from his coma, and confessed to everything.

You got a new hearing tomorrow,

all the charges are going to be dismissed,

and you will be out.

REBECCA: Look, I'm in love with him.

We just don't have the same priorities right now.

I need to find my own answer, and it lies...

somewhere between jail... and Hawaii.

So amazing those are your choices.

♪ Meet Rebecca

♪ She's the coolest girl in the world, wait ♪

♪ Wrong Rebecca

♪ It's this one over here

♪ She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend ♪

♪ Oh, but there she looks kind of mean ♪

Hmm.♪ Okay, she's snarky

♪ Sarcastic and a... What? ♪

♪ You know, we're not really seeing a common theme ♪

♪ Meet Rebecca

♪ She's too hard to summarize

♪ So let's go back to other Rebecca. ♪

My name is Debra.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Mm.

[doorbell rings]Hmm.

[doorbell plays spooky laugh]

Oh. Hi.

Hey, do you like my spooky new doorbell?

What, too scary?

Hon, have you been online today?

That's a terrifying sentence. No, I have not. Why?

Where's your computer?

REBECCA: "Rooftop Killer Set Free

"Despite History Of Mental Instability And Stalking:

Why Is This Woman Walking The Streets of West Covina?"

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry, honey.

You know what? It's okay.

It's okay. This is a lesson.

I want to take responsibility for my life,

and everyone finding out about my past is a part of that.

Yeah, don't worry about this.

This is, this is Internet junk. It'll-it'll blow over.

Yeah, you're right. You know, I'm not even gonna read it.

No good can come of that, right?

Also, it's one person's opinion.

It's the opinion section. Wait.

Oh, my God, look at all the comments already.

Oh, my God.

Okay, this one was posted six minutes ago,

and it already has seven palm trees.

Palm trees are likes on this site.

"Bunch should be locked up forever.

She's a menace and a sexual terrorist."

Stop looking at the comments.

I've been begging you for three days.Okay, but

how can I stop looking at these, okay? They're about me.

Listen to this one. "Bunch once roped me and my whole building

into a bogus class action lawsuit." Yup.

Well, I was trying to help people.

Oh. And there's this one.

"She caused my flight to make an emergency landing in Nevada."

That was my suicide attempt, Daisy underscore G.

Then there's this one. This is a doozy. "She almost killed

"my cat. Signed, Anna the Browbarian.

Mention this comment for 15% off your next eyebrow grooming."

Oh, really classy, Anna. Really classy.That's it.

You're done. Just shut your computer,

and then go take a shower,

because your ass is real ripe.How do people

know all this stuff?

"I heard she slept with a married professor."

"She's an arsonist." "She stalked Josh Chan."

"She had sex with her boss."

"She had sex with her ex-boyfriend's dad."

That one already has 20 palm trees.

Maybe they're all Marco. He's an elite user.

He's probably... Hey, no, no. I'm doing it for you.

What...? There you go.

I want to say "fake news," but it's just news.

I've done all those things. I've done such terrible things.

And now everyone knows.

Everyone knows that I'm garbage.

The Rooftop Killer is not garbage, 'cause she's my friend.

And...

yeah, she flushes her tampons,

but that's, like, the worst thing I could say about her.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry about the tampons.

Again, I didn't know you weren't supposed to flush them.

I will wrap them in toilet paper

and leave them in the trash to smell... like you want.

Well, you could also just take out the trash?

Look, this has been

real fun, but we have tickets to Hocus Pocus

for the cemetery screening tonight, remember? So...Ugh. Right.

...we kind of have to get there early to get a good spot.

Yeah, but that would mean going outside

where everyone's judging me.Come on.

You haven't left the house in three days.

You're going to the movie.

I heard a rumor that Kathy Najimy might come.

And Kathy Najimy is your favorite witch, right?

Yeah, Kathy Najimy's my favorite witch.

I love when she rides the vacuum like a broom.

So get dressed and take a shower

and meet me and your favorite witch, Kathy Najimy, there.

Just don't be a baby, okay?

Mm-mm. I want to...

No. We're going back down.

No. No. No, baby.

[babies cooing]Thank you for letting me join

the Wee Covinas, everyone. I mean,

it's just so nice to be around new parents.

Oh, I love this group, and we are happy

to have you and Little Rebecca with us.

It's actually "Hebecca."

Oh.

Hebby. [laughs]

Uh-huh.

Oh, that is such a cute teether you've got-- the carrot.

Oh, hey!

DARRYL: Oh! Your babies have the same teether.

That's awkward. Oh.

We all have it. Don't you? I have, like, six of them.

I bought one for every bag. She loves them.

Oh, I guess I just

didn't know about the carrot teether or the fox blankie.

See, with my first daughter, my ex-- she was in charge

of all the binkies and blankies and all that stuff,

and this time, I'm flying solo, so...

Okay, so, I'll need one of those

and one of those, and, of course,

one of... I can't get one of those.

[chuckles]

Hebby's on formula.

I read somewhere that

formula's just as good, so...Yeah.

It's fine.

It's fine?

I mean... I'm not aiming for fine.

This is my baby. I want her to have

the best.

You guys are saying that breast milk is what's best?

Well, it has been shown to help

with immunity and asthma and digestion.

Also with preventing ear infections and SIDS.

SIDS! SIDS is not fine, Jana.

Oh, no, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I don't have boobs. I mean, I... I do have

this one shirt in my closet that clings in a weird way,

but I don't know. I mean, I would give her breast milk

if I could, but I can't. I mean, it's not like I can just go out

and buy it.Sure, you can.

There is a market for breast milk.

They call it "the white market."

Really?

[elevator bell dings]

Can I have the Holder account?

Here you go.Thank you so much.

What are you doing?

You haven't been here in weeks.

I took a break. I'm starting again tomorrow.

I just came to pick up some files.

Periodic reminder: I'm your boss, okay,

not the other way around.Oh.

Okay, boss. Thank you

for sauntering back in after weeks of absence.

Do you have any idea how empty it is in here right now?

Rebecca's been out.

I didn't ask about her, okay? I don't care.

And now she has some kind of agoraphobia.

Oh, really?

I mean, oh, really? Rebecca has, uh, wacky disorders?

Surprise, surprise.

Hey, not done.

Darryl is on paternity leave.

I haven't seen Jim in two weeks.

That is totally unexplained.

And according to George, you ran off to go death camping?

Oh, that's offensive. Don't call it that.

It's called concentration camping.

Okay? It's where you go off to focus and concentrate.

It's actually very good...

What's my father doing here?

And who is that guy?

He's the new guy.

[whispering]: I don't trust him.

He's the what?Bert, that friend of Rebecca's

who gave her the money to buy out the firm.

Oh. Our silent partner.

He doesn't look very silent.

He's talking to my father.

I didn't do that until I was 11.

[clears throat]

No. Hey, I just, I...

Well, look who finally showed up to work...

dressed like an Idaho tourist.

Hello, Nathaniel, Jr.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I can answer that. A few days ago,

Mr. Plimpton stopped by the office unannounced,

and the only attorney here was Tim,

who was napping on the conference room table,

so Mr. Plimpton called me and asked if I'd lend a hand.

Luckily, Bert was available.

I'm sorry. Are you even a real lawyer?

Indeed I am.

In addition to my degrees

in hydro engineering and ceramics,

I also have a B.A.,

two PhDs, an MD, a JD, and I'm down with OPP.

I add that just to make it fun.

Hmm. Dad, I took a break,

as men in power sometimes need to do,

but I'm back now,

and I'm gonna get this place into shape.

We don't need this guy.

I say you do.

And since Bunch, Whitefeather, Plimpton, Plimpton & Plimpton

is still a subsidiary of Plimpton International,

I'm still the boss, and what I say goes.

BERT: Oh.

I am sensing some father-son tension right now,

so I'd be happy to bow out.

Great. Bow out. Bye-bye.

Okay, bye-bye.

No, we need him.

We need someone to run a law office,

and you're having some sort of nervous breakdown.

So Bert is in charge, and that's that.

Okay. Okay.

You can do this. You can do this.

Yeah.[phone chimes]

[gasps] What?

No!

Hi, Rebecca. It's Rebecca, right?

Hi, Rebecca. It's me, Kathy.[Rebecca shrieks]

And just get your ass over here. We're doing this reading

of Hocus Pocus, and there's a trivia game,

and if you get it right, you get a free witch hat.

Oh!What?

Oh. Heather wants me to tell you

to stop flushing your tampons.

Heather, everybody flushes their tampons.

Yeah.

Uh, come. Just come.

Oh!

Okay. Kathy's right.

It's go time, Bunch.

♪ When the moment's come to start anew ♪

♪ Set yourself free and finally do ♪

♪ The things in life that you are destined for ♪

♪ The first step is the hardest part ♪

♪ But that doesn't mean you shouldn't start ♪

♪ Take the leap and get right to it ♪

♪ Here's exactly how you do it ♪

♪ You...

♪ Step out the door, then back through the door ♪

♪ Sit on the floor and stare at the floor ♪

♪ Rock yourself until you feel okay ♪

♪ And carpe diem, carpe dontem

♪ Time to grab life by the scrotum ♪

♪ But, first, let's read some facts about stingrays ♪

♪ And then it's time to seize the day ♪

♪ I wonder if the fridge needs cleaning ♪

♪ I haven't cleaned the fridge for a while ♪

♪ I'd hate to leave with a dirty fridge ♪

♪ Did I get it all? No, there's a smidge ♪

♪ Maybe I should get a new fridge online ♪

♪ Nope, never mind, it's time to fly ♪

♪ Now

♪ I'll

♪ Sit right here on my couch

♪ Research fridges, I'm no slouch ♪

♪ Getting dark, the time just got away ♪

♪ I could still go out, it's not too late ♪

♪ But, first, I need to masturbate ♪

♪ To some porn, preferably male and gay ♪

♪ And then it's time to seize the day ♪

TAD: Hey, Brent, what are you doing in this locker room?

BRENT: Showering, again.

What are you doing here, Tad?

TAD: I play football here, with you, remember?

BRENT: Yeah, I remember. Everyone get out!

I got to talk to Tad.

[laughs] These guys.

[pants]

[groans]

Okay.

Okay, that's enough.

It's time to go.

♪ You

♪ Just

♪ Take

♪ One step forward, two steps back ♪

♪ No, two steps forward, four steps back ♪

♪ Five more steps back and now I'm back in bed ♪

♪ Okay, now I'm ready to go

♪ They're delivering my new fridge though ♪

♪ Where's that fridge? I can't wait around all day ♪

♪ I have to go out and make my big foray ♪

♪ Here I am standing at the doorway ♪

♪ It's finally time to seize the day ♪

♪ But, first, more porn.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave my house.

I have a legal clinic at the county jail.

I have to figure out if I'm going back to work.

And I'm-- Oh, I'm spiraling.

It's okay, Rebecca, take a breath.

My 9:00 a.m. canceled.

You want to try coming in then

and we'll talk about it?Uh-huh.

Okay.

So... leave the house and come to you?

Mm-hmm.

I think I can do that.

I can try to do that. Yeah.

Remember, you have the tools for this.

Right. Right.

[thumping nearby]

What was that?

Rebecca?See you tomorrow,

Dr. Akopian.

I'm so sorry.

What was that?

Guys?

How'd that get there?

HEATHER: Anyways, you were saying,

your favorite part of the movie was...?

Oh. My favorite part...Mm-hmm.

...was when she sat on the vacuum like a broom. [chuckles]

That's a really boring choice.

That's everyone's favorite part.

[door opens]REBECCA: Guys,

okay, the weirdest thing

just happened.Weirder than

Hector's hot takes on Hocus Pocus?

Oh, Hector, I'm sorry

I missed Hocus Pocus.I was masturbating for six hours.

I heard.Okay. So,

this book about the Covinas just fell off the bookshelf,

by itself, and it opened to a chapter

about this house.

Yeah, it's really freaky. Move over.

You're coming-- oh, you're coming in with us.Oh.

Yeah. Okay. [grunts]I thought we...

talked about this.

Okay. Okay.

[shuddering exhale] All right.

"In 2015, a drug deal gone bad led to a shoot-out

"in a small ranch house in West Covina.

"Five drug dealers were killed, along with a young woman,

"Devon Lee, a local college student

"with no prior criminal record who had

the misfortune to be there buying methamphetamines."

Wait, this is a murder house?

Yes, I just said-- Just shh.Yeah. What...?

"Devon was shot to death in her stomach

"and her intestines exploded,

spraying fecal matter all over the wall."

Wait, this is a poo murder house?

Wait...[eerie screeching]

That-that sounded like...

[shakily]: "Devon."

Right?

Okay, a murder book falls off the shelf

and the house creaks out a name?

It's what I suspected. It's why I came in here.

We have a ghost.

Oh...Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.

What? No. Guys, calm down.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

HECTOR: Don't care.

I'm out of here.

Rebecca, are you with me?

Wh...?

Oh, actually, no, um, he has a point.

Because in case there is a ghost, we should go

to a diner and get fries, right?

I mean, I-I-- I mean, I'm scared.

I'm so, so scared.

So, let's get out of the house, Rebecca.

Get out of the house?

Are you crazy?

I can't leave.

Devon needs me.

No.

So then the book opened right to this page.

[gasps]

I mean, that's a message from beyond, right?

That isweird.

Beyond weird.

HEATHER: Valencia, don't encourage her.

She just doesn't want to leave the house.

I'm telling you, whatever it is,

there's a logical explanation.

And the only reason you think there's a ghost

or whatever is because

it's Halloween right now.

I mean, if it was Thanksgiving,

you would think there was a turkey in here.

So, Valencia, that's why I reached out to you.

Because, unlike her, you get that there are, like...

[inhales] other dimensions, you know?

Oh, yeah, honey. You don't have to sell me.

I don't know if you know this, but ghosts are obsessed with me.

Really?In high school,

I was haunted by John Candy, like, constantly.

I had to look up John Candy. Had no idea who he was.

Yep, yep, you get ghosts.

Mm-hmm.So,

I think that Devon is trying to communicate with me.

Mm. What do we know about her?

I'm so glad you asked. I did a bunch of research and...Just like I did

on John Candy. His last meal was lasagna.

One of the reasons I eat low-carb.

Yeah, so I found Devon's old Facebook page.

Mm-hmm.And it turns out that the meth buying here,

it was just this one random, shameful

moment of weakness for her.

She was otherwise a great student

and a great person. I mean, she was studying

sports medicine, she loved baby sloths,

she was totally against Prop 8.

But now she's just remembered for this one bad decision

and the humiliating way she died.

You know,

the poopy thing. [sighs]

So, how do we find out what she wants?

How can we reach out to her?

Well, we summon her, with a séance.

A séance.

Ooh, that sounds great.

Thank you.Ooh, we need, like,

the four corners of all the elements, like The Craft.Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Right? So we'll get Paula here and Heather here.

And, together, we'll summon the netherworld.

Wait, what's going on?

I'm a woman of science, not séance.

Maybe Heather's right. Maybe there is some sort

of psychological reason that I'm creating this ghost.

[phone chimes]

No, I definitely have a ghost.

Yeah.It's a ghost.

You have a ghost.Yeah.

MADISON: You ready?

Yeah, come on out.

Oh, ho, ho! Wow!

Oh, look at that.

Snailor Swift looks even better than my sketches!

It's dope, Dad. Thank you.Mm-hmm.

No one's gonna have this costume.

Last year, a girl came as Katy Bear-y.

Her costume was Janktown, USA.

[chuckles][knocking]

Oh. That must be Mom.

Hey.

Hi.

So cute!And you're dressed

as a sexy...

Yep. I put it all on at once.

All the sexy things.

Guh-ross.Hey.

Let's go. We're meeting your friends at my house.

I'll have her back later tonight.

Just got to see if I can round up

some divorced dads in this outfit.

Brittany's dad is available.

I mean, they're not split up,

but, um, the writing's on the wall.

Good intel.

You sure you don't want to come, Darryl?

I mean... [chuckles] what are you doing tonight?

Nothing special. Just a little online shopping.

Nothing weird.

[elevator bell dings]

Good morning, sir.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Ba-bow!Oh, come on.

How you gonna get any work done in that thing?

What? You kidding me?

It's all peachy.

I got it. I got it!

Ooh!It's all right, it's all right.

I'll just stand.

I got it.

So, I filed the motion on behalf of the Sanford Multiplexes.

Um, excuse me.

Sanford is my client. I can handle that.

Oh, you missed two court dates, so I stepped in to help out.

Stealing my client is not being helpful.

Can you believe this guy?

Yes, I do believe Mr. Washington.

He cannot tell a lie.

That's, like, his whole deal.

You guys are listening to him. Why?

Uh, your dad said he's in charge.

But not really.

[Transylvanian accent]: If he asked me to suck the blood

of an innocent maiden, I would do it.

[cackling]

[normal voice]: Too much.

Your dad said he's our boss now.

As an officer of the Army and a gentleman farmer,

I promise to lead you with honor and wooden teeth.

This is a joke.

You're a joke, Bert.

Tim, come on.

[grunts]

MAYA: Um,

guys, does anyone know what I am?

Katy Bear-y? [chuckles]

"Roar"? "Roar"?

[typing]

Holy Goddess of Milk Jugs.

Oh, look at this breast milk.

I mean, it's in Palmdale, but it looks gorgeous.

Never frozen, vegan,

non-smoking, alcohol-free.

Look.

Oh, so creamy.

Guh-ross.

Uh, okay. I think I fixed the baby monitor.

For future reference,

you just need to reset it and sync it again.

Oh, I got to get this primo stuff before it gets snapped up.

Oh, what do I do about Hebby?

Don't look at me. Babies are

not really my area.

You do remember why we broke up, right?

Would you mind staying with her?

Uh...Oh, she sleeps like a rock.

She will not wake up.

Why are you freaking out about breast milk, Darryl?

I was a formula baby, and I am the healthiest person you know.

Never had a cold.

Yeah, I know. But you're kind of a robot.

You're not the first person to say that,

and I take it as a compliment.

Hebby doesn't have a mom.

Moms are a big deal.

They know the right carrot teether to get,

what's the right blanket.

I went to baby group,

and I brought a Christmas blanket.

I have to do this.

Can you stay?

Cancel your Halloween plans?

Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I hate Halloween.

It's just an excuse to sell toxic plastic costumes

and death sugar candy.

Go on. Go ahead.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and thank you for being the kind of person

that I would hate to hang out with on Halloween.

Ah.

BERT: You know,

I am finding that I do enjoy

the camaraderie of an office.

It's like the camaraderie of my BPD group

except a lot less annoying.

MAYA: I really like how you share.Look at him.

Bears remind me of wolves.NATHANIEL: Being all nice to everyone.

Making them feel comfortable in the workplace.

I hate him.

Yeah, I'm just gonna stand right here.

I got to get rid of this guy. Whatever it takes.

Well, how you gonna do that?

Everybody's got dirt.

I just got to dig it up.

The candle draws out the spirit from hiding,

the clove makes it safe for the spirit to emerge,

and the crystals... they're just pretty.

Rebecca, gong it, girl.

Oh. Okay.

So, I mean, you know, not to be a downer,

but let's be real.

This ghost business is crap,

and you're just ashamed to leave your house,

and you made up a ghost in your mind as an excuse.

HEATHER: Yeah.

That sounds right.REBECCA: Ladies,

that is what I thought as well,

but then I looked at the evidence, and it's overwhelming.

Eh.

Uh, the book. The creaking.

The book.

The creaking.

VALENCIA: And if you two would please

tamp down your skepticism.

Devon can feel your negative vibes.Yeah.

[coughing][sneezes]

Hey.

Did you get the info?

Yeah. I got the scoop, the skinny,

the lowdown on the shakedown.

You're just a dude in a costume.

[chuckles]: Yeah.

Yep. I'm the real detective.

There's everything you need to know

about Bert Buttenweiser.

Buttenweiser? [scoffs]

I knew he was a weirdo.

Yeah.

So, who are you dressed as? Anderson Cooper?

No.

That guy from Mad Men who looks like Anderson Cooper.

God, I despise Halloween.

You're no fun. [cries mockingly]

CHILDREN: Trick or treat!

WHITE JOSH: Okay, guys, if you must eat candy, please try

and limit yourselves to one piece of dark chocolate a day.

Okay? 'Cause it lowers your cholesterol,

and it prevents certain kinds of cancer.

Okay? Did you guys hear what I said? Did you...?Oh! Excuse me.

Hey, trick or treat, dude.Oh!

Wow, Josh. Proud of you.

You didn't dress up this year.

You're a grown man.What?

I'm not a grown man. I'm a weatherman. Look.

Oh."Rainy skies with a chance of precipitation."

Rain means precipitation.

Thanks, vocab police. Hey, where's Darryl?

Uh, I got a baby present for him.

He had to run out, so I'm watching Hebby,

who is and will stay asleep.

Cool. Uh, can we wake her up?

No.

Please? I saw this cute little koala costume,

and I was like, "Who can I buy this for?"

And then I was like, "My ex-fiancée's baby

that she had with her boss might need a costume."

Hmm.So I bought it.

I know you hate Halloween, but I love it.

Come on! Wake her up, wake her up, wake her up!

No.[Hebecca crying]

Great. You woke her up.Yes!

There's a storm moving in with a 100% chance of cuteness.

See the headset? It's an earpiece.

[high-pitched]: Hi, baby.

Oh, we're having "koala-ty" time, aren't we?

Who's a "wittle" baby?

As much as I hate your baby voice--

and I hateit--

she does look pretty cute in this little costume.

Hi. Hi.

It sucks Darryl's missing this.

Yeah, where is he?

Uh, that's a good question.Oh.

I'll give him a call.Where's he going?

[line ringing]

DARRYL: Hey.

I'm so sorry I'm late.Yeah, where are you?

Currently? Marina del Rey.

What? You were going to Palmdale.

That's in the opposite direction.

Yeah. I went to Palmdale.

I met this woman in an alley.

She seemed shady.

I was sure she was selling me cow milk.

And I tasted it, and it was vanilla almond milk.

Ah.So I got upset.

I may have been crying. And so then her boyfriend came out,

and he had a gun, so I panicked, and I shoved him.

But it turns out it was just his Halloween costume.

He was dressed as the boyfriend from Claws.

Anyway, I got stuck there for an hour talking to the cops,

and now I am trying to get to Playa del Rey,

but there's a parade in Marina del Rey.

And I'm sitting here looking at a float

full of dancing gladiators on surfboards.

I mean, what even is that?

I can't get out of this traffic, and I'm hyperventilating.

Wait a minute, what's going on?

What's happening, because... What's going on with my baby?

Nothing. Nothing. She's fine. Everything's fine.Hmm?

No, you wouldn't have called if there wasn't something going on.

Did she wake up?No, no, no. No, no, no.

DARRYL: What am I missing? Oh!She's asleep.

She's not here... being cute or anything.

You just get back here as soon as you can, okay?

All right. Bye-bye.

Yeah, parents are nuts.

In light and love, we call upon the four corners

to open the channel of communication

between our two worlds

and help us make contact with any earthbound spirits.

Let's all hold hands.

Do it.[groans]

Devon, we're here.

Send us a message however you can.

Text is probably easiest for me.

I also love a good Insta story.

[Paula and Heather laugh]

[exhales]

Guys...

[all gasp]Look.

Okay, that... This has to be an earthquake.

That's not an earthquake.

[all scream]

REBECCA: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

The occult is real.

Okay, I'm slightly freaked out.

Um, I-I thought this was gonna be boring,

but you know what?

[laughs]

Best Halloween ever!

Oh, Valencia.

Come on, these are great illusions.

You're like David Copperfield without the assault allegations.

Um, wait, you guys?

I didn't do anything. Nothing.

That was not me. Oh, my God.

I am so scared.

I actually didn't think this junk would work,

but it did, and now I opened the doorway to the occult.

Lord Jesus,

please forgive me. I just wanted to be like Gwyneth.

Okay, um, I don't know what's happening,

but I don't like it, so, um, I am leaving.

No, no. Wait, wait. Valencia, you swear

that you did not rig this table

or do anything with the lights?

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women.

Yeah, I might leave.Yeah, let's go.

No, no, don't leave. Do you realize what's happening?

This is the moment. Devon is trying to communicate with us.

Everyone. Everyone.[Valencia groans]

We're listening.

What do you want, Devon? Send us a message.

Everyone, shh, shh, shh.

WHITE JOSH: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.DARRYL: Joshua?

Look! Look how much milk I got.She's asleep.

And she was not dressed like a koala earlier.

Eureka! Liquid gold.

Now I got to get these in the freezer or they'll go bad. Wait.

Why is it so dark in here?

Oh, why do you have that lantern on?

Darryl, what are you doing?

The power's out in the freezer, too.

But it's insulated, and it'll keep it cold

for a couple hours

until I can get out and buy a generator.

Why is there so much damn food

in this freezer? And it's filthy.

What animal lives like this?

Is this a good time to talk about your eating habits?

Are you familiar with the phrase, "shop the perimeter"?

Don't yell at me. Help me.

Don't make me touch the milk bags.

Wow, you're working late.

And during a blackout.

What is this big business opportunity

that you called me about?

Well, I lied about that,

but it is an opportunity for you to see the truth about Bert.

Oh, Nathaniel.No, I'm not letting

an outsider take over a branch of our family's firm.

I hired an investigator,

and Bert is in no way qualified to be running this place

or even working here.

Look. It's all in the file.

[sighs]

Oh, yeah. Yep. I know all that.

You... you know about the mental illness?

The fact that he's never practiced law?

I mean, he's a conspiracy theorist.

I mean, the-the man once lived in a sewer.

You mean Long Beach?No.

I mean an actual sewer.

I don't care about him. I care about you.

You're a screwup who's in love with a lunatic

who pushed a man off the roof.

I read the Daily Covina.

I comment sometimes, too.

I don't know who you are anymore.

That's why I called that wacko Bert in,

to see if it would wake you up.

I-I'm... Wait.And it did.

I'm sorry, you...

you care about me?

Man, I really did a number on you, didn't I?

Son, what I care about

is the firm. That's what matters.

Devon. Devon.

Okay, come back. Please come back.

Give us another sign. Tell us what you need.

Why have you contacted us?

This is a safe space.

Are you here listening?

Are you here?

Ah!

[laughs]

[computer chimes]Oh, my God.

What?

She wants us to look at her Facebook page.

[gasps]

Facebook page.

Yeah, but weren't you already open to that page

when the power went out?She was. She definitely was.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Look at this. Today's...

...the anniversary of her death.

Oh, please forgive me, Jesus.

If you want me to become a nun, I totally will.

I can rock a black maxi.

No, no, don't... Just stop it, Valencia.

This isn't about you. This is about her.

She wants us to honor her...

somehow.

I don't know, bring her flowers or something.

Yeah, she wants us to bring her flowers.

Okay. Oh, and also,

she wants us to bring her some period panties.

No, that's a Facebook ad.

Oh.Okay, let's go buy

some flowers and free a ghost from purgatory.

Oh. Let's go.

I have the car keys. And the car.

Okay.

Well, thanks for not making me touch the milk bags.

Oh. Hey.

Oh, thank goodness.

The power came on.

All this milk will be safe now.

That is a ton of milk.

You're good for what, six months?

No, that's a week.

Then I got to get out there and do it again.

You're kidding me.

No.

No, I'm not.

[door opens]STACEY: Hey, we're back.

Uh, what happened in here?

Uh, this happened.

He overstocked the freezer

with black market breast milk,

and then he missed his daughter's

first Halloween dressed as a koala.

What? You said, specifically, that she was not a koala.

Oh, great. No, that's great. I missed that?

Did you take a picture?

Yeah, I took about four. Josh took 78, mostly selfies,

but don't worry, she's in some of them.

I can't believe I missed that.

I mean... [sighs]

I just wanted to make sure she had every advantage, you know?

That's all I was doing it for.

I mean, I don't have boobs, you did.

You breastfed.

Madison's so smart and she has no allergies, and...

I don't know, maybe that's why.

Maybe.

Or maybe it's because we're good parents.

Also, I don't know what I told you at the time,

but I only breastfed for, like, ten days.

My nipples were like raw steak.

Guh-ross.

Thank you, Madison.

Darryl, your daughter with the weird name

does not need breast milk or a mom.

She needs a good parent.

And she has one.

So use all that milk if you want,

then just go back to formula.

I'm telling you, it's fine.

Thank you.

Dad, you know you're a great father.

I got so many compliments on my costume.

Really? People liked it?

You snailed it, dude; you always do.

♪

HEATHER: Ugh, these Hocus Pocusfans are filthy.

[gasps] Oh, there it is. Lee. Lee. Oh.

REBECCA: Look.

[exhales] Can you hold this for a sec?

Hi, Devon.

I don't know you and you don't know me,

but I know your story.

And I know your shame.

I mean, the poopy on the walls thing is tough.

I'm not saying that it's not tough,

but...

you deserve flowers today.

So here you go.

Devon, I know what it's like to feel ashamed.

And I know that it's easier sometimes to just dwell

in that shame rather than move on.

God, there is something weirdly satisfying about just...

staying in...

the purgatory of your past.

But you have to move on.

You can't change what happened,

but you canchange what will happen.

So move on, Devon.

Move forward.

That was beautiful, Rebecca.

Thank you. [sniffles]

REBECCA: Who cares if she sprayed poopie all over the walls?

She made mistakes. We all do.

Aw.[all screaming]

Oh, okay. I'm sorry if I scared you ladies.

Hello, Paula.

Oh, God, this guy.Okay, look.

I know you guys all think I'm creepy, but rest assured,

I've been watching you the whole time...

...standing in an open grave, and I think I heard

someone talking about shame.

Yeah, that was me.

Uh, I've been dealing with shame in my life lately.

SECURITY GUARD: Okay, well, crippling shame affects all of us, Rebecca.

And, you know, not just because you have a history of arson,

or you slept with your ex-boyfriend's dad.

Um...

I-I also edit the Daily Covina.

You know, a lot of people are scared of cemeteries.

You know, th-th-they come here spooked

with thoughts of the undead,

but what haunts people the most...

is their own past.

[organ chord plays][laughs maniacally]

♪

♪ Some people are scared of goblins and ghosts ♪

♪ They shriek at a raven perched on a post ♪

♪ "Oh, no!" they cry

♪ "It's a spooky black cat"

♪ But there are so many things

♪ Far more frightening than that ♪

♪ Like when I asked a woman I hadn't seen in a while ♪

♪ How long she'd been pregnant

♪ And there went her smile

♪ Turns out, she'd just gained weight ♪

♪ "I'm so sorry," I said

♪ And when that memory fills me ♪

♪ With horror and dread

♪ I do the cringe

♪ Ugh [groans]

♪ I do the cringe

♪ Ooh ♪ Ugh

♪ More than a twinge

♪ The thought leaves me aghast

♪ Because nothing is as scary

♪ As what lurks in your past

[laughing maniacally]

♪

♪ Banshees and ghouls can give a good fright ♪

♪ But that's not what keeps me up at night ♪

♪ I think about that time in bed with my ex ♪

♪ When I chuckled at his penis during sex ♪

♪ She does the cringe

♪ It was a full-blown laugh

♪ She does the cringe

♪ It looked like a cute little puppet ♪

♪ She does the cringe

♪ He went soft and cried

♪ And that was the night

♪ Their relationship died

[all howling spookily]

♪

♪ I told a date I lost my wallet so she would pay ♪

♪ I hooked up with the bassist of Sugar Ray ♪

♪ I got an angel tattoo on my upper thigh ♪

♪ I gave my mother's eulogy completely high ♪

♪ See? Everyone has sins

♪ They want to wash away

♪ I came up with the town motto, "Live. Work. Play." ♪

Oh...

♪ We do the cringe

♪ It was not my best work

♪ We do the cringe

♪ In fairness, I was also high

♪ We do the cringe

♪ Regret can be a blast

♪ When nothing is as funky as what lurks in your past ♪

♪ Cringe dance

♪

[all grunting rhythmically]

♪

♪ Ah, ah, stupid, stupid

♪ Stupid, stupid, ah

♪ We all have skeletons

♪ Real and metaphorically

♪ Wait, aren't you the guy who murdered me? ♪

What?♪ Nothing, the cringe

♪ Cringe.

Hello, Nathaniel, Jr. You wanted to see me?

I did. I spoke to my father, and he put meback in charge,

so youcan go back to being the silent partner.

Oh, yes, I know.

I got an e-mail from him this morning to that effect.

So what are you still doing here?

Oh, I like it here. I like the people.

I like the work.

And it gives me something to do besides write Internet comments.

But my father relieved you of your duties.

But the thing is, he can't do that.

I control the majority of this branch.

I was only being silent because I was being a nice guy.

But I want this job,

and you need me here, I can feel it.

In fact, I'm enjoying it so much around here,

I've just made a few changes.

Instead of adding my name to the branch,

I've decided to rename it, something short and catchy.

What?

Behold the legal collective

known as "MountainTop."

Oh, my God, it's so pretty.

I love lightning bolts.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, son.

It still has our names right there underneath.

Don't call me son.

Look, I know that me being here is not your first choice,

but you're stuck with me.

Whatever. Don't get too comfortable, Buttenweiser.

Oh, I won't, not with my fibromyalgia.

[sighs] Okay.

[groans]You can do this.

Mm-hmm. [whimpers]

There's gonna be a lot of people in there judging me.

It's gonna be fine.

I promise. Mm-hmm.

[exhales] Okay.

Okay? Mm-hmm. Let's go.

Okay.

Excuse me? Excuse me, miss.

I dressed as you last night.

The Rooftop Killer.

Can I have a selfie with you?

Uh, sure, sure.

Can you put your hands around my neck

like you're choking me?

I mean, I didn't choke-- I didn't choke anyone.

That's okay. Okay.

[sighs]: Okay. Ah.[camera clicks]

[chuckles] She was so nice.

She was so nice.

Okay, maybe they care a little bit, but, um, it'll wear off.

Yeah, at least you didn't poopy on a wall.

That's a good point. Thank you, V.

You guys, the mystery is solved.

I just talked to our landlord.

Turns out there's an issue with the pipes...

[gasps] ...so some major off-gassing of steam.

It knocked the books off the shelf,

then created that awful groaning sound,

shot steam up through the floor

which is what floated the coffee table.

Wh-- pipes...?

Yes, it turns out they were clogged

with a giant wad of tampons.

That makes sense.

Mm-hmm. Sorry.

Yep.

So there was really no ghost?

Of course there wasn't.

Or was there?

No, there wasn't.

There's a rational explanation.

I just told you what it was.

Or... did you?

Yes.

Yes, she did. Yeah.

Okay. Guess we'll never know.

No, we do know now.

Or... do we?

I would say we definitely do.

But, definitely?

Yes.

Mm, do we, though?

No, we do.

But do we not?

Oh, no. We-- oh. What?

We def-- We do.Can we be sure though?